1

And so with Father Christmas disappearing into the

sunset, we set our eyes to the exciting horizon of 2014.

Yes it is going to be a good year, as long as you all

continue to be as disgraceful and forgetful as you are.

Out with the old and in with the new! Yes, even your

old newsletter is changing. As with most things, what

you put into something is what you get out and in the

end and this newsletter is no different.

Please, I cannot be everywhere so if you want your pretty face in the newsletter, or want

to tell us all about a ride or a rally or some biking event that you attended, kindly

contribute. This is my seventy first newsletter and I am finding it increasingly difficult

to find suitable content for our newsletters.

Some of you post a lot on Facebook but don’t send anything to me to use. I get tons of

jokes and while I try and keep you all happy I would prefer it if you sent me funny clean

jokes.

So as we start this interesting New Year, I would like to wish all of

you and your families an extremely happy and prosperous New

Year.

Ken.

SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune

to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

2

10-Jan-14

24-Jan-14

07-Feb-14

21-Feb-14

07-Mar-14

21-Mar-14 Human rights day 04-Apr-14

18-Apr-14 Good Friday 02-May-14

09-May-14 National Rally

16-May-14

30-May-14

13-Jun-14

27-Jun-14

11-Jul-14

25-Jul-14

08-Aug-14

22-Aug-14

05-Sep-14

19-Sep-14

03-Oct-14

17-Oct-14

31-Oct-14

14-Nov-14

28-Nov-14

12-Dec-14

19-Dec-14

Our Chairman has requested that you take note of our proposed Club nights

(below) so that you can mark them off on your calendars in advance. This is to

ensure that you are able to attend and not come with pathetic excuses for not being

there. This will be printed in every issue of our newsletter; just to help you old farts

remember these special evenings.

3

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

January

18th

Road Runners Poker Run.

26th

CMA Memorial Run.

31st-2

nd Feb. Stag Rally Villiers. Bev

034 315 5256

31st-2

nd Feb. Steppies Rally Hawston.

Randal 082 554 0567

31-2nd

Feb. South Coast Rally,

Margate. Des 083 454 9451

31st-2

nd Feb South Riot Rally (Teachers

Birthday Bash) Graaf Reinet. Jim

073 744 5680

February

8th

Vlakvarkrun. Fochville. Boerbok

076 152 1021

14th

-16th

CMA Freedom Rally,

Struisbaai.

21-23rd

Kwagga Rally Loskop.

Jannie 083 420 2599

28th

-2nd

of March. Impala Rally,

Hartebeespoort. 011 782 5521

4

Way down upon the Tswane River two Crocodiles lie sunning

themselves on a sandbank. The smaller one turns to the bigger one

and says, 'I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than

me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't

get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' answers the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down at the car park by the Union Buildings.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of the excessively flamboyant cars and

wait for one to open the car door. Then I jump out, grab him by the

leg, shake the crap out of him and eat him!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not

getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the

crap out of an ANC Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and

a laptop.

5

JANUARY

8TH Rodney Hiles (G)

21st Paul Goldacre (G)

22nd Geoff Wilmer (G)

30th Jenny Moss (G)

“I’m not getting older,

I’m getting better!”

Memo to our new and old farts

It is up to you to send me your Birth Dates. It is also up to you to inform me when you

move from (S) silver to (G) Gold and (P) platinum. (I do not have time to cut off your legs

and count the rings.) If you are (P) Platinum, you don’t have to do anything you have

reached the top. Yay!

6

It looks like our Durban Chapter has gone to a lot of trouble for this

year’s rally so let’s try and support them. Remember you can’t decide

at the last minute to go and then wonder why you can’t. No entries will

be accepted after the 31st of March. So please book early to avoid

disappointment.

7

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I

think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The

principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was

to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd

grader should know. The principal looks at

Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy and oval'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubblegum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog Does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,..................... I got

the last seven questions wrong.....'

BACK TO SCHOOL

8

I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, waiting for it to turn green.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half-burned

Union Jack duct taped on the boot of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted

on the side, stopped next to me.

The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit the pedal & darted off

ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheel truck came speeding thru the crossroads & ran

directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in the

car.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man ... that

could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a lorry driver.

First drink!! I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it - I had it.

I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it. It was the same with Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.

A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat darkie is dancing on a car roof."

You can't say that over the radio, use proper police talk." replies the operator. "You

have to use the politically correct terminology"

“OK" he says:

"Zulu....Tango....Sierra"

9

Ulysses Office

Contact Penny at:

Cell: 0832967749

E-Mail: ulyssessa@telkomsa.net

‘Disclaimer’

The opinions of the Scribe are not necessarily the product of a sound mind and do not necessarily reflect the opinions or values of Ulysses

East London or any “Sane” person! Scribe: Ken Heath

Tel: 0827102534 for verbal abuse.

E-Mail: heathken@telkomsa.net for any

contributions, comments etc. (Please….please

…please!!!!)

Lawyers: Legal Wise: “Don’t talk to me, talk

to my Lawyer!”

Greetings fellow old farts.

I trust that you all had a wonderful Christmas and an exciting start to the New

Year. Not much to report back on except the sad passing of John Buckler.

John was a member of our chapter for many years, and also rode with Steel

Wings. He was a solid guys and a friend to all. One of his most memorable

trips was on a Vespa all the way from East London to Mosselbay for the Buff

and then back to East London. He will be missed.

Please note that besides booking for the National Rally, if you want to go to the

Buff you need to book now. Most of the accommodation has already been

booked so you may have to camp.

Cheers, Ken.