Two Dicks and a Pussy

7/30/2019 Two Dicks and a Pussy

1/20

TWO DICKS AND A PUSSY.

by

Eric Shepherd.

Eric Shepherd,

26 Beach Rd,

Oamaru 9400.

(03) 434-0911


2/20

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO. DAY.

In a poorly equipped low budget television studio, LOUISE

DAY, a fashionably dressed woman in her twenties issitting at a presenters desk. Various STUDIO CREW are

setting about their tasks of adjusting lighting and

cameras in preparation for a show.

INT. STUDIO PRODUCTION BOOTH. DAY.

In a small production booth lined with a few monitors and

mixing desks THREE TECHNICIANS are sitting at the

controls making minor adjustments. YANNICK SERVOLE the

Producer, an overweight man in his late forties and

casually dressed is pacing behind the men, he looks at

the clock on the wall, it reads 9.55am. Yannick reaches

over to a switch on a mixing desk and switches it on.

YANNICK.

In five Janis.

He looks at one of the monitors and sees a view of Louise

in the studio.

LOUISE.

Okay Yannick.

INT. PHYSICS LABORATORY. DAY.

In a modern physics laboratory filled with expensive

scientific apparatus stands MICHELLE GREEN, an attractive

and smartly dressed thirty year old female reporter.

MIKE, a casually dressed, tall, well built cameraman in

his late twenties and SUSAN, a casually dressed plain

looking sound recordist in her early thirties. They are

both standing off to one side adjusting their equipment.

At the front of the room standing beside a desk with alarge stack of heavy bound books is PROF LEON LIMP, a

tall gangly man in his fifties wearing a white coat and

PROF TIFFANY DILLY, a very short stocky woman in her

forties with frizzy hair also wearing a white coat.

MICHELLE.

Mike, Susan, you ready?

Mike and Susan give the thumbs up signal to Michelle, she

then turns to the two Professors.


3/20

MICHELLE.

Okay now there's no need to worry,

we'll be live but just keep your eyes

on me, you'll feel more relaxed if

you just try and ignore Mike and

Susan.

Susan turns to Mike.

SUSAN.

(sounding depressed)

Doesn't everyone?

MIKE.

(laughing)

Hey not me, chicks dig a bloke with a

big lens.

Susan points her mic boom at Mike, it has a large fluffy

wind sock on it covering the microphone.

SUSAN.

Lucky you, blokes don't dig a chickwith a big fluffy.

MIKE.

I dunno, a trim here, a shave there,

a Rycote with a Brazilian might be

just the ticket.

SUSAN.

(sarcastically)

Oh aren't we so bloody clever this

morning.

Michelle turns and walks briskly over to Mike and Susan.

MICHELLE.

Hey you two, please. Can we get

serious.


4/20

MIKE.

Serious? Have you forgotten what

outfit we're working for, since when

did we do anything anyone could

consider serious.

MICHELLE.

(slightly pleading)

Come on, Yannick says this could be

my big break.

MIKE.

(overtly serious)

Ah I see, he's seen the real

potential in you and has offered to

give you a pointer. (Pauses) Or two.

Michelle gives Mike a look of disgust, turns and walks

back to the two Prof's. Mike looks at Susan.

MIKE.

(quietly)

Looks like Yannick has his beady eyes

on someone. (Pauses) There you go,

you ever considered flashing your

fluffy at him?

SUSAN.

Get bent!

Michelle gently adjusts and straightens her jacket and

collar.

MICHELLE.

Like I say, ignore them, everything

will be fine, unlike some I consider

myself a professional.

Mike turns to Susan.

MIKE.

I know what Yannick considers her.


5/20

SUSAN.

He's always just ignored me, but then

I'm just the sound chick, everyone

ignores me.

MIKE.

You girl are in dire need of a hot

night with a big lens.

SUSAN.

Get bent!


Louise looks at the clock on the wall, the sweep hand is

passing 9.59.30am.

YANNICK. (O.S)

Okay Louise here we go, remember

you're on camera two.

Louise turns towards the camera and a green light on it

flashes.

LOUISE.

Welcome everyone to Science Live, I'm

your host Louise Day and today we'll

be speaking to two Professors who,

after many years of research, believe

they have discovered the answer to

what many believed was the unsolvable

riddle of Schrdinger's Cat. We'll

now go over to our reporter Michelle

Green at the University of Auckland

who'll be speaking to the Professors

involved. Over to you Michelle.


Michelle is standing beside the two Professors, all are

facing the camera.

MICHELLE.

Thank you Louise, I'm here with Prof

Leon limp and Prof Tiffany Dilly who

indeed believe they have discovered

the answer to the riddle of

Schrdinger's Cat.

Michelle turns and faces the two Professors.


6/20

MICHELLE.

If I could start with you Prof Dilly,

if for our viewers, you could give a

quick overview of just what the

riddle of Schrdinger's Cat is.

TIFFANY.

Yes Michelle, well you grab a cat,

bung it in a box, chuck in a grenade

then try and figure out if it's alive

or dead, and you can call me Tiffany.

MICHELLE.

Eloquently and concisely put Tiffany,

however perhaps for the viewers wecould have just a little more detail

from you Leon.

PROF LIMP.

That's Professor Limp Miss Green. In

short Dr Schrdinger proposed if you

placed a cat in a box that was

completely sealed and armed the door

with a uranium capsule set to explode

if the door was touched then the

metaphysical argument remains, once

the door is shut is the cat alive or

dead? Only by opening the door of the

box to see would you find out but in

finding out you'd kill the cat.

Untill now it was the ultimate

unsolvable riddle of life and death.

MICHELLE.

Fascinating, so Tiffany, what induced

you to be part of this.

Tiffany blushes, slightly looks down and shuffles one

foot.

TIFFANY.

Well, I mean to say, who wouldn't

want to work with Prof Limp.

Mike and Susan slowly turn to each other and roll theireyes slightly.


7/20

MICHELLE.

Well , hmm yes indeed. (pauses) No

doubt a joy. So Professor, what

induced you to begin this research?

PROF LIMP.

The name is Professor Limp Miss

Green, not Leon, not Professor but

Professor Limp. However in answer to

your extremely inept question, pure

research into the dichotomies of the

metaphysical and the speculative

reasoning of unexamined assumptions

that have not yet been logically

examined or confirmed by observation

would have been self explanatory and

my interest in such, as a research

scientist, is an obvious conclusion

any rational party or half way

intelligent reporter would arrive at.

Tiffany blushes again.

TIFFANY. (V.O)

Gosh I love it when he talks dirty.

MICHELLE.

Well, yes indeed, but I'm sure some

of our viewers would have been

interested. (pauses). I think.

MICHELLE. (V.O)

Was I just insulted?

Michelle indicates with a hand gesture to a huge white

board covered with physics symbols behind the Professors.

MICHELLE.

So, do we take it that this is the

resulting answer?

PROF LIMP.

No, that's quite obviously the

statistical chances of my chicken

dinner being thawed by the time of my

return home.


8/20

TIFFANY (V.O)

(singing)

Leon drumstick, yummy yummy

drumstick.

MICHELLE.

So Professor Limp, what was your

primary role?

PROF LIMP.

My role was the design of the box.

Prof Limp picks a single sheet of A4 paper from the desk

and holds it in front of himself and toward the camera.

It has a crude drawing of a box on it plus a few lines of

math's. He then places the paper back down on the desk.

Tiffany looks down at the piece of paper.

PROF LIMP.

(cont)

I consider it a masterpiece of..

TIFFANY.

(cutting across him)

Um Leon,(pauses)you forgot to carry

the one. (pauses) And the decimal

point is in the wrong place and

XY+7X5-3RX doesn't equal 23 it equals

72 and a box has 6 sides not 5.

PROF LIMP.

What?

Tiffany points at the piece of paper.

PROF LIMP.

Ah, that could explain it.

MICHELLE.

(excitedly)

Explain what?


9/20

PROF LIMP.

The radiation leak that shriveled my

testicles.

TIFFANY.

You mean?

PROF LIMP.

Alas, mere raisons.

TIFFANY.

So, (pauses) no more..

PROF LIMP.

Nope, completely buggered, been using

a strap on test tube for the last

three months. (pauses) So much for

your powers of observation.

TIFFANY. (V.O)

Explains your increased staying

powers though.

PROF LIMP.

Let's face it Tiff, Pyrex can only

take so much abuse, being castrated

by radiation is one thing, being

shredded by a broken test tube is

something else entirely. Considering

the fact that this work has now come

to a satisfactory conclusion it's

probably for the best we put our

intellectual and physical

intercourses to rest. Besides next

week Dr Whither and I are beginning astudy into the genetics of producing

a unicorn.

Tiffany looks dejected then stares down at the floor.

TIFFANY.

(quietly)

Looks like she'll struggle getting a

horn out of you.


10/20

MICHELLE.

Perhaps we could get back to your

research.

PROF LIMP.

Quite.

MICHELLE.

So the cat, did you encounter any

problems from activist groups with

the ethics of animal welfare?

Tiffany looks up and sees Mike, she blushes and gives him

a little flirtatious wave with her fingertips.

TIFFANY (V.O)

(sexily)

Hello big boy.

PROF LIMP.

Well obviously, isn't there always.

Ministry of Woman's Affairs demanded

we not use a female cat, Race

Relations people told us not to use a

black cat and the Celtic Association

said the IRA would bomb the facility

if we used a ginger cat. Thusly we

acquired a tabby of no fixed abode.

MICHELLE.

So are the results to be published?

TIFFANY.

Already have.

Tiffany taps on the large stack of volumes on the desk.

MICHELLE.

Very impressive, so you've been

working on this for fifteen years

now, any idea of the cost.

PROF LIMP.

Yes Miss Green, eighty two million,

certainly money well spent


11/20

furthering our understanding into the

nature of the human condition.

MICHELLE.

Eighty two million and fifteen years

to find out if a cat is alive or

dead, a bit excessive?

TIFFANY.

Ah but wait till you see the results.


Yannick is looking at a monitor of the interview taking

place. He flips on a switch and speaks into a microphone.

YANNICK.

Going to a break Michelle.


Michelle places her fingertip to her ear, gives a small

signal to Mike and then turns toward him.

MICHELLE.

Thank you professors, we'll leave it

there for a moment and be right back

after this break to see the final

results of this fascinating work.


Yannick flips a switch on the control desk. He looks at a

monitor showing Louise sitting at the presenters desk.

YANNICK.

Louise, what the fuck?

LOUISE.

Don't look at me Yannick, this is not

one of my stories. (Pauses)Perhaps if

you bothered to turn up to the

occasional production meeting and had

some input instead of leaving it up

to the juniors to try and pick the

best of the most pathetic that comes

our way this show might not be so

much of a joke.


12/20

YANNICK.

It's days like this that make me

wonder why I'm still working here.

LOUISE.

Perhaps the need to pay off the new

BMW along with your uncontrollable

urge to take a deeply personal and

intense interest in the education of

all the new female reporters.

YANNICK.

Well you didn't seem too unwilling.

LOUISE.

No Gordon, a leg up and a leg over

are two different things entirely.

The Three Technicians in the production booth all lean

back in their chairs, turn towards Yannick and smirk

openly.

Yannick looks at the Three Technicians.

YANNICK.

And you lot can shut the fuck up too.

FIRST TECHNICIAN.

Didn't say a word Yannick.

Yannick looks at the monitor showing Louise in the

studio.

YANNICK.

Don't 'spose after the show Louise,

(pauses) for old time's sake.

LOUISE.

Yannick that's so pathetic it's

almost charming.

YANNICK.

Charming eh?


13/20

LOUISE.

(sarcastically)

A day has dawned on a whole new era

of obliviousness.

THE THREE TECHNICIANS.

(singing in unison)

Sun arise, she come every morning,

sun arise, each and every day, sun

arise, she come every morning..

YANNICK.

Can it dipshits.


Michelle is looking at Prof Limp, Tiffany is walking

coyly around Mike and the camera gear occasionally

stroking the leg of the tripod with her fingertip. Susan

is sitting on a chair with an extremely bored expression.

MICHELLE.

Now we seem to have wavered just a

little off topic from time to time,

when we go back on air if you andTiffany. (pauses) Where's Tiffany?

Michelle quickly turns around and sees Tiffany attempting

to flirt with Mike.

MICHELLE.

Tiffany, please.

Michelle gestures to Tiffany to rejoin her, Tiffany gives

Mike a wink and a little fingertip wave and walks over to

Michelle and Prof Limp.Susan looks at Mike.

SUSAN.

There's nothing like a university

education to prepare you for life.

MIKE.

Lord if this is life I shudder to

think what the afterlife is like.


14/20

MICHELLE.

Now in this second segment if we

could please stay just a little more

on the subject. Remember we are live.


One of the Technicians holds up his hand to Yannick with

his fingers splayed wide, Yannick nods acknowledgement.

YANNICK.

Okay Louise. (pauses) Back on in

three, two, one and stuff it all.


Louise turns toward the camera, the green light flashes.

LOUISE.

Welcome back everyone to Science

Live, let's return now to our

reporter Michelle Green at the

University of Auckland, over to you

Michelle.


Michelle and the two professors have resumed their

positions beside the desk.

MICHELLE.

Thank you Louise, now Professors on

to the results, you say you have

cracked the answer, the important

question is, was the cat alive or

dead?

PROF LIMP.

Well dead of course, just like my

testicles, the uranium booby-trap saw

to that. However thanks to the

painstaking research of Professor

Dilly the cat was also alive.

MICHELLE.

(confused)

It was dead and alive?


15/20

PROF LIMP.

Precisely, once Prof Dilly worked out

the theorem BTB=FU it all fell into

place. The cat was of course indeed

dead but also very much alive.

MICHELLE.

BTB=FU?

TIFFANY.

Bashing the box equals feline urine.

MICHELLE.

I'm still confused, you're saying by

scaring the cat enough for it to pee

itself meant the cat was alive?

TIFFANY.

Yes, I'm ever so proud of my theorem,

you see once the cat urinated we then

had a sample of DNA from which to

work with. Once extracting that

sample meant we were then able to

clone the dead cat, and here he is.

Tiffany reaches under the desk and produces a small tabby

cat kitten.

PROF LIMP.

You see Miss Green, we've now proved

cat urine is the most indestructible

compound in the universe, not even

being blasted by uranium can destroy

it. As the essence of the cat is in

the DNA and the DNA in the urine

survived then the cat is alive but

also of course dead.

Tiffany gives the kitten a big cuddle, looks at Mike and

winks.

TIFFANY.

I think I'll call him Mike.

Susan leans over toward Mike.


16/20

SUSAN.

(quietly)

I think someone has her eye on your

lens.

MIKE.

(quietly)

At least it looks like your fluffy is

safe by the sounds of it.


Yannick is watching a monitor, on it is seen the

interview with the Professors taking place.

YANNICK.

Is this the best we could do?

FIRST TECHNICIAN.

Well it was either that or an

Entomologist that reckons ants are

solid proof for the existence of God

or that Biologist who says the same

thing about bananas. (pauses) Oh, and

that Neurologist that says he is God.

YANNICK.

You're kidding that's it, nothing

else?

SECOND TECHNICIAN.

Well there was that Anthropologist

who reckons he's solved some weird

shit about human evolution using

those dumb symbols no one understandsin those DVD set up manuals, well

something like that anyway.

YANNICK.

(sighing)

Whatever happened to the days when

science was so unintelligible people

immediately believed it.


17/20

FIRST TECHNICIAN.

Gone like Sonic The Hedgehog Yannick,

fondly remembered but like this show

no one wants it anymore.

YANNICK.

You know I had dreams once of making

a mark in television, how the hell

did I end up in this death time slot.

FIRST TECHNICIAN.

Getting stoned at the Xmas party then

shoving your head into the punch bowl

and pretending to be a goldfish

probably didn't help your careerYannick.


Tiffany reaches under the desk and brings up an open top

box and places the kitten in it.

MICHELLE.

So Prof Limp, you say you are now

going to work in the field of

genetics.

PROF LIMP.

Well it is an obvious move on from

this, surely that is patent. Cloning

cats to cloning unicorns. (Pauses)

Have you never had any education

into following the train of a simple

conversation?

MICHELLE. (V.O)

He did just bloody insult me.

MICHELLE.

I just thought...

PROF LIMP.

(cutting cross)

And there lay the difference Miss

Green, scientists don't think.


18/20

MICHELLE.

Actually Leon, that is something that

truly is patently obvious!

Prof Limp goes to speak, before he can Michelle turns to

Tiffany.

MICHELLE.

(cont)

So Tiffany, where will you be moving

on to next?

Tiffany undoes the top button on her white coat and

begins to run her index finger slowly up and down the

lapel. She looks at Mike and winks.

TIFFANY.

Well there just might be an nice

opening in optics, hopefully one that

will really stretch my imagination.

(Pauses) I'll be needing a lab

assistant of course, Id pay very

good money for the right tripod.

Susan looks at Mike.

SUSAN.

(quietly)

I am never ever going to let you

forget this.

MIKE.

(quietly)

Get bent!


Yannick flips a switch on the mixing desk and looks at

the monitor showing Louise in the studio.

YANNICK.

Hey Louise, this is doing my fucking

head in, if I cut it do you think you

could vamp for five minutes till theend?


19/20

LOUISE.

Get real, with what, my own research

into the lack of intelligent males on

internet dating sites?

YANNICK.

Cool, what's your user name?

LOUISE.

Fuck off Yannick.

YANNICK.

If only Louise, if only.

Gordon turns to the First Technician.

YANNICK.

I'm cutting this, cue up a lost

transmission signal on my mark. Just

don't tell Michelle, let her think

she run it all the way through.

Gordon looks at the monitor showing the interview taking

place, he flips a switch on the mixing desk.

YANNICK.

Okay Michelle wrap it up there.


Michelle turns toward Mike and faces the camera.

MICHELLE.

Well thank you both for sharing your

fascinating research with ourviewers, now back to you Louise.


Louise turns toward the camera, the green light on it

flashes.

LOUISE.

Thank you Michelle, well that wraps

up our show for today, be sure to

tune in next week when Michelle will

be talking to a Proctologist who

believes he's discovered a link


20/20

between Hemorrhoids and The Big Bang.

So from all of us here at Science

Live have a pleasant week.


Yannick turns to the First Technician.

YANNICK.

Okay hit the signal now, run it for

five then roll the ads.

Yannick flicks a switch on the mixing desk then looks at

the monitor showing Louise in the studio.

YANNICK.

(cont)

That's it Louise, another riveting

week over and done with. (pauses) As

amazing as it might sound Louise I

actually think we've managed to hit

rock bottom, how you kept a straight

face with that one is beyond me.

LOUISE.

Cheers, but have you any idea just

how much I wanted to wrap that one upby saying "are they taking the piss?"

YANNICK.

That Louise, is probably the most

intelligent thing that has been said

today.

FADE OUT.

THE END.

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Two Dicks and a Pussy