Trapped in the Silver Screen

Trapped In The Silver Screen

Trapped In The Silver Screen

CAST

Teddy Potsdorf--Daring and resourceful

matinee idol type.

Eudora Melon--The heroine.

Pervis--Teddy's faithful sidekick.

Perry--A cowardly screenwriter

Herbert East--Evil...unspeakably evil.

Alopecia--Proprietor of the Caf Ol.

Francois--Maitre d' at said establishment

Chorus (Teddy's party, restaurant crowd, nuns, lost tribes, execs.)

Heinrich

Fritz

5 Execs. (sexes can be picked as deemed necessary.)

SCENE ONE--The serial lover's serial.

Our story begins in the jungles of

deepest, darkest Africa.

OPENING NUMBER

Teddy Potsdorf, Pervis McAllistar!

Daring hunters of lost treasure!

Clever, resourceful! Seekers of great my'stries of yore

Always with excitement in store!

Teddy! And Pervis! They can take a risk with pleasure,

Courageous sages beyond measure!

They came from a tiny town in England

And now their fame has spread across the globe

Teddy seeks the wonders of creation

And Pervis writes about them in the Galveston Macram and Bilge Water

Society Herald Bugle Mirror Gazette Times Globe!

Teddy Potsdorf, Pervis McAllistar

Daring hunters of lost treasure

Clever, resourceful! Seekers of great my'stries of yore

Frankly I think he is a bore!

Adventure, Excitement! He's always got us out on alimb

My mother warned me of men like him!

Teddy seems to think that we adore him

But his little games are getting rather old,

For six months we've been wandrin' through this jungle

With little food or water and we're cold!

Teddy Potsdorf, Pervis McAllistar!

Daring hunters of lost treasure!

Idiot! Moron! If Teddy should be near perfection,

Then why can he not read directions!

Weakling! Coward! I feel the need for a vacation,

So here dear Pervis is my resignation!

(PERVIS stands aside watching the exchange

between EUDORA and TEDDY.)

EUDORA

Oh, Teddy, I can't believe you built that telescope entirely out of old

fountain pen cartridges and animal beaks.

TEDDY

(putting telescope away) And through this telescope I can see the lost

Jungles of Sinirama--the last possible resting place of the mythical

lost eyes of the goddess Kalkaput, perhaps the most significant find of

my career.

PERVIS

Yeah, look, Mr. Potsdorf, I hate to piss on your parade.

TEDDY

(through clenched teeth) What is it, my faithful sidekick?

PERVIS

our entire caravan has resigned the expedition.

TEDDY

Deserted us? Pray tell, why?

PERVIS

It's my guess that they were a little upset about the fact that we have

putzed about the same patch of jungle for six months looking for the

lost eyes of the goddess Kalkaput.

TEDDY

But Pervis, this is not a problem.

PERVIS

Why worry, we're just stranded in the jungles of deepest, darkest Africa

and all of our guides just scampered off into the bush with no hope of

return!

EUDORA

Better to travel light...Teddy (motioning towards PERVIS)

PERVIS

Yeah, thanks for the tip. Teddy, what about this situation we got here?

TEDDY

Pervis, can't you see? Behold! The lost jungles of Sinirama!

PERVIS

Great! More jungles.

TEDDY

Be patient, Pervis! Soon we shall find the lost eyes of Kalkaput!

PERVIS

When, Teddy, when?

TEDDY

(unfurling his map) Well, according to my calculations...

PERVIS

(snatching the map) According to your calculations we should have found

the eyes six months ago when we were in Kalkaput!

TEDDY

Exploration is not an exact science! Why, this very map was drawn by Sir

Quentin Scurvy with his dying gasp before being devoured by mountain

goats. You just can't expect 100% accuracy from such a prediction.

PERVIS

Particularly since he appears to have been eaten before he drew the

exact location of the lost eyes of the Goddess of Kalkaput in the map.

EUDORA

Only a minor set back. Right, Teddy?

PERVIS

A minor set back? It's no wonder our exploration party left us! Why

didn't you tell us?

TEDDY

I don't think that would have been quite the thing to drum up support

for our expedition.

PERVIS

NO! Really?

EUDORA

Now, now, Pervis. This is only a minor crisis we shall soon correct.

Right, Teddy baby?

PERVIS

Butt out! Do you know what this reminds me of? Do you? This reminds me

of the time you became convinced that I had been possessed by a demon

and you tried to perform an exorcism by setting my head on fire.

TEDDY

That was an honest mistake! You were speaking in a low voice and

vomiting.

PERVIS

I had the flu, Teddy. The flu.

EUDORA

Pervis, why is it that every time you get angry, you bring up Teddy's

failures?

PERVIS

There's been so many of them.

TEDDY

There have not.

PERVIS

This is all your fault, Eudora Melon! If you hadn't shown up with that

map...

EUDORA

It's not my fault.

(Soon enough everybody is yelling at each

other.)

TEDDY

Stop! This bickering is pointless.

PERVIS

What now?

TEDDY

Pervis, I have a mission for you.

PERVIS

What?

TEDDY

Because our position is so precarious, I have decided that you , Pervis

McAllister, are to return to civilization and warn our friends that I am

about to enter deep uncharted lands.

PERVIS

What happens if you find the Treasure? What about me?

TEDDY

Pervis, the lovely lady archaeologist Eudora Melon and myself shall take

care of this. Leave us alone in the jungle, I BEG YOU!

PERVIS

You've gone nuts, Teddy!

TEDDY

That's what they said at the explorer's club, but we'll show them, we'll

show them all, it will be like that time I built the bulldozer out of a

ripe coconut and your belt!

SCENE TWO--bored of executives.

VOICE OF EXEC. #1

Stop it. Stop it right there.

PERVIS

Fine. Fan-frigging-tastic!

EUDORA

Good.

TEDDY

Excellent.

ALL THREE

Perfect!

1

Stop it. Stop the film. Flip the switch, maggot!

(TEDDY, EUDORA and PERVIS freeze)

1

Where's Perry?

(Spotlight on center stage. Perry stands

alone)

PERRY

What's up you guys? Whaddaya think? Dynamite stuff, isn't it?

1

Where's the rest of it?

PERRY

Guys, it's a movie serial. We can finish it up as we go, right?

2

Time is money! Money talks!

PERRY

Well, yes, I agree, but what do you think of what I've done so far?

3

This Potsdorf character is something of a wimp.

PERRY

I plan on revealing why.

3

When?

PERRY

Episode 33.

4

We told you it was only going to be 12 parts, Perry.

3

Why does he follow this Eudora woman everywhere?

PERRY

Its' a surprise. We find out later.

2

Now is later! Time flies! Dog eat dog! Facts and figures!

5

Why isn't there any death? Where's the death?

PERRY

It's for kids! It's a movie serial. There's no death.

6

Then where's the sex? Kids love sex.

PERRY

But this is the thirties. We can't...

4

This is nothing like Flash Gordon. I thought we were going to rip-off

Flash Gordon.

PERRY

Well, this is Teddy Potsdorf, daring explorer.

5

We need more death.

6

Or sex.

2

Sex sells. Sex is natural. Sex is good. Big bucks. Big, big bucks.

5

Death. Death! Always more death.

1

I think we need a rewrite.

PERRY

Don't say that word!

All EXECS.

REWRITE!

5

And death.

PERRY

When?

ALL

Now!

PERRY

(Meekly.) Now?

2

Hey, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

4

Can't you make it funny?

2

Yeah, yucks are bucks!

3

And give us some interesting characters.

5

And...

PERRY

Death?

5

Yes!

1

Rewrite!

2

Now!

5

Death!

6

Sex!

PERRY

Wait!

ALL EXEC.

What?

PERRY

In one night?

ALL EXEC.

Yes!

PERRY

I can't do that!

1

Do it or its the end of your meal ticket!

PERRY

Teddy Potsdorf is not a meal ticket!

1

All right. I'll just phone one of out hack screenwriters.

2

Ten cents a word! Cheap!

PERRY

Fine! Fine! I'll do it. I need to think. I need to go think.

1

(as PERRY starts out) Where are you going?

PERRY

I'm going for a drink.

(exit PERRY)

1

Let's see the rest of it. Roll 'em!

Scene Three: at the Caf Ol

PERRY enters the caf. ALOPECIA stands by

the bar, FRANCOIS greets our hero.

FRANCOIS

On behalf of our proprietor, Alopecia Fulminans, I bid you a good

evening, Monsieur!

PERRY

Yeah, what's so good about it?

FRANCOIS

Why, every night is wonderful here at the Caf Ol! We have dining and

dancing and the best floor show this side of Kilimanjaro.

PERRY

Kilimanjaro?

FRANCOIS

Where else?

PERRY

Yeah, right. Can I get a drink?

FRANCOIS

Right this way, Monsieur.

PERRY

(bursting into a grudging laugh) Caf Ol! I get it.

FRANCOIS

What is there to get?

PERRY

Just pour me a drink.

(PERVIS enters)

PERVIS

Alopecia! Alopecia!

ALOPECIA

(stepping down from her stool) Pervis! Settle down. What is the matter?

PERVIS

The matter? The matter? The bovine residue is about to hit the fan,

that's the matter!

ALOPECIA

(lading PERVIS to the bar) Pervis, Pervis...calm down! Have a drink.

Enjoy the floor show.

PERVIS

Screw the floor show. Teddy's gone missing.

(FRANCOIS moves towards them and pours

them drinks)

ALOPECIA

Missing? Where?

PERVIS

Rhodesia.

ALOPECIA

Zimbabwe?

PERVIS

Sinirama.

FRANCOIS

Gesundheit.

ALOPECIA

How could Teddy Potsdorf, intrepid explorer of the seven continents be

missing?

PERVIS

Him and that nutbar Eudora Melon got a hold of information which may

lead them to find the lost eyes of the goddess Kalkaput.

ALOPECIA

The lost relics which could restore unity to the lost tribes of

Kalabala?

PERVIS

One and the same.

ALOPECIA

They shant find it without this!

PERVIS

(as ALOPECIA unfurls the map) Sir Quentin Scurvy's map. But he was

devoured by mountain goats.

ALOPECIA

Yes, but luckily we were able to administer an antidote in the nick of

time.

FRANCOIS

Antidote?

ALOPECIA

So, the secret of the jewels shall remain safe in my hands forever.

Drink up.

PERVIS

Teddy has a copy of that map.

FRANCOIS

Mon Dieu!

(ALOPECIA spits out a thin mist of liqueur

in surprise.)

ALOPECIA

Those jewels must not be found! The eyes should remain a secret.

PERVIS

Why?

EXPLANATION OF THE EYES MYTH

The eyes of the Godess Kalkaput

Must no be found if you value your country

The Kalabala people are a shifty sort of folk, you know

They drove their Godess Kalkaput to the brink of insanity

She could not take their fussin' and fumin'

So she gouged out her own eyes

And now they are the key to rulin' the people!

PERVIS (spoken): I don't care about two stupid stones. Teddy could die

out there. Or worse.

Who ever hilds the eyes of the Godess of Kalkaput

Shall unite the mighty tribes of Kalaba

The people here would perish

For nothing is greater than the power of Kalkaput

The eyes must remain a secret

No one can see that map

PERRY

I wish I could write exposition like that.

ALOPECIA

If those stones are found-

PERVIS

Look, if you loan me the map, I can find Teddy, get him away from that

woman and the sanctity of the stones can be preserved!

ALOPECIA

I cannot allow you alone in the jungle.

PERVIS

You always gonna worry about me. I found myself some help.

FRANCOIS

Who?

ALOPECIA

Whom.

FRANCOIS

Who?

PERVIS

I heard that Potsdorf's brother is in town. I found his hotel and I've

left him a message.

ALOPECIA

He has a brother?

FRANCOIS

Teddy Potsdorf?

PERRY

Teddy Potsdorf? Daring explorer of the 7 seas?

FRANCOIS

Intrepid hunter of the 5 continents?

ALOPECIA

Resourceful sage of the hidden treasures of yore?

PERRY

You've heard of him.

PERVIS

So have you.

PERRY

I know Potsdorf well.

PERVIS

Then you'll help me find him.

ALOPECIA

(handing PERVIS the map) It seems you've found your man. Come, Francois.

(ALOPECIA and FRANCOIS go on about their

business.)

PERRY

I didn't know the actors came here.

PERVIS

I'm not an actor.

PERRY

(sipping his drink) Sorry, whatever you call yourself.

PERVIS

I call myself Pervis.

PERRY

(aside) Great, a method actor.

PERVIS

You know Teddy?

PERRY

I'm familiar with Teddy.

PERVIS

Then you'll help me find Teddy.

PERRY

Look, I'm in no mood for acting games.

PERVIS

This isn't a game. If we don't find Teddy it could mean-

PERRY

The end of both our jobs.

PERVIS

Aren't you even the least bit concerned about Teddy?

PERRY

I'll write him a good ending, don't worry.

PERVIS

All right. If that's the way you want to see it, come on. Let's get this

happy ending written.

PERRY

So that's what this is all about. Look, I don't collaborate!

PERVIS

(as PERRY stands) If Teddy dies-

PERRY

He's not going to die!

PERVIS

Without my help he might. Don't be a moron!

PERRY

Hey! You do your job, I'll do mine. (he turns to go)

PERVIS

But (following) You have to come with me.

PERRY

Go away. I'll see you at the studio.

PERVIS

The studio? When?

PERRY

Tomorrow morning. Goodbye.

PERVIS

The studio. I'll be there! You be ready. The studio.

PERRY

Right. Right.

(Exit PERVIS, PERRY watches her go)

What a nutbar.

HERBERT

Tell me about it.

PERRY

(Startled to have found this man so close to him) What a nutbar. Excuse

me.

HERBERT

(sung) Hey What's your hurry? Sit yourself down,

I've never seen ya' here, Ya new in town?

Jus' take a load off and let me buy you a drink.

PERRY

Fine, fine. (taking a sip of an already poured drink on the table before

which HERBERT has pushed him) Happy?

HERBERT

I noticed you were talking to Pervis McAllister.

PERRY

Yeah, well, that's what she thinks. Poor creature.

HERBERT

Poor creature indeed.

PERRY

Look, I've got work to do.

HERBERT

You can do it for me, I'll pay better than Potsdorf.

PERRY

Look, Potsdorf doesn't pay great, but it's steady work, thanks. I've got

writing to do.

HERBERT

You cannot write about this to anybody.

PERRY

I have to finish this up, all right?

HERBERT

Then you know the plot.

PERRY

Of course I know the plot.

HERBERT

You must tell me.

PERRY

I can't, come on. You are the competition.

HERBERT

In that case, prepare to die!

PERRY

(incredulously) Now, come on. Isn't that a bit extreme? Who are you?

HERBERT

(sung) I am the guy who needs no introduction

I am the guy who gives the devil instruction

And I'm the guy you're gonna be sorry you messed with

There's nothing but evil filling my soul

Ruling the world that is my goal

And you're gonna help me, whether you like it or not!

I'm the master of disaster, the one the only, the original bastard.

I am the one that ya' never should mess with

I am the quintescential son-of-a-bitch!

Be that as it may I'm a reasonable man

Tell me, tell me, does Pervis have a plan?

Clue me into the plot and maybe you'll leave here alive.

But if you deny me and refuse my request

Let it be known that at torture I'm the best

You'll regret clamming up, and then you'll know why people say...

[chorus]

I will rip off your arms so you cannot fight back

Then I'll pop out your eyes and I'll have a light snack

And when you beg me to stop, I will just laugh in your face.

I can see in your eyes that you're not yet convinced

Well how would you like to see your friend Pervis minced

Into real tiny bits and sent to you by US Mail?

PERRY (spoken): My that's a graphic image.

Well Jesse James was a wimp and

Ghenghis Khan was a freak and

Jack the Ripper was a

lilly-livered sex-starved geek.

Hey I could wipe them all out

Without a hitch or a glitch

because...I am the quintescential son-of-a-bitch

(key change) I am the quintescential son-of-a-bitch [Chorus]

Tag: I am the master of evil in this world

You'll never top me and you sure as hell won't stop me, no not in this

world!

(Gunshot. The knife flies from HERBERT'S

hand. The screaming crowd exits, once the

crowd has cleared, we see PERVIS standing

at the door.)

PERVIS

(Blowing the smoke from her gun) Herbert East, the vile graverobber and

arch nemesis of Teddy Potsdorf!

PERRY

But you don't appear until episode 14!

PERVIS and HERBERT

What?

PERRY

Never mind!

HERBERT

(slowly turning to face PERVIS) Don't mind if I do.

(The screaming crowd runs onstage once

more. FRANCOIS behind them, wielding a

bottle)

FRANCOIS

(brandishing a champagne bottle) OUT! OUT OF THE KITCHEN! Mon Dieu! He's

got a gun!

(HERBERT stands onstage holding a gun. All

duck but FRANCOIS, HERBERT fires his gun

and the bottle in FRANCOIS' hands

explodes. FRANCOIS promptly screams.)

FRANCOIS

Merde! (exits)

HERBERT

Fritz! Heinrich!

(FRITZ and HEINRICH, HERBERT'S evil

henchmen enter the bar. In the melee that

ensues the 2 following things have to

happen--a. FRITZ and HEINRICH perish or

are otherwise duly disposed of so as to

make my accounting for them later in the

play unnecessary and b. the following

exchange must take place [preferably in

between thrown chairs and gunshots])

PERVIS

I got your code signal immediately after leaving!

PERRY

What code?

PERVIS

There are no studios in Namibia! Thank God I caught on before he

skewered you!

PERRY

This is not Namibia.

PERVIS

Buddy, if you don't know that you need a new travel agent.

FRANCOIS

(Peering in from the kitchen, PERRY and PERVIS turn to face him) East

has un baton de dynamite.

PERRY

What?

FRANCOIS

Un baton de dynamite.

PERRY

What's he saying?

PERVIS

I don't know! Who am I, the UN?

FRANCOIS

(Vehemently pointing toward EAST) Just look at him you idiots!

(FRANCOIS runs into the kitchen. Indeed,

EAST has just lit the fuse. He throws the

stick of dynamite. PERRY and PERVIS dive

and go into a tuck and roll away from it.

The stick of dynamite rolls in through the

kitchen door. There is an explosion in the

midst of which EAST escapes.)

PERVIS

That was close.

PERRY

What a trite line.

(Enter FRANCOIS. He is smoking and his

body is charred beyond recognition)

PERRY

Good God, man!

FRANCOIS

Welcome to the Caf Ol. I assure you that this explosion will in no way

impede upon the floor show.

PERVIS

Francois!

FRANCOIS

Oh my, am I shaken.

PERVIS

Where is Alopecia?

FRANCOIS

She was standing right beside me when...oh no!

PERVIS

Son of a bitch!

PERRY

She's not...is she? (hats are doffed, crosses are signed)

(beat)

PERVIS

Now are you going to help me?

PERRY

I'm not suited for this. I'm just a writer looking for a happy ending.

PERVIS

(grabbing PERRY's lapels) You consider this a happy ending? That madman

will not stop until Teddy Potsdorf lies dead at his feet.

PERRY

Teddy Potsdorf does not exist.

PERVIS

Denying it isn't going to get you anywhere!

PERRY

I'm trying to get you to understand-

PERVIS

Understand this, you will help me, pudknocker! Let's get out of here.

(exits)

PERRY

(after PERVIS, spitefully) You know, you shouldn't say "let's get out of

here."

PERVIS

(walking in from offstage) Why not?

PERRY

(humbled) We put that line in over 70 % of all movies. That's why.

PERVIS

Shut up and move!

(The lights dim as PERRY and PERVIS exit)

FRANCOIS

Bon chance, Mademoiselle Pervis, adieu! And cut the bastard's balls off!

Scene Four: Welcome to the Jungle

The jungle. Although we have different

scenes in different places, we use the

same set including a bridge which spans

the length of the stage. With some minor

modifications this set becomes the temple

in which lie the eyes of Kalkaput.

(TEDDY runs onstage, brandishing the map.)

TEDDY

We're close to it, oh so close, I can feel it. Just you and I, alone at

last.

EUDORA

(walking out to meet TEDDY) Weeks. We have been tromping about the

thicket for weeks, haven't we?

TEDDY

We've been hours. Ten hours exactly.

EUDORA

It's felt like weeks.

TEDDY

Surely you haven't found my company unpleasant. Have you?

EUDORA

(snatching the map) Perhaps we should split up.

TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE

T: No Eudora, we musn't split up (sung) Two heads are better than one

E: (spoken) We must....

T: Two heads can have so much more fun.

E: (spoken) Oh, Ted....

T: It takes two arms to hold you and two lips to kiss, Now tell me that

one head feels feelings like this! (kisses her)

Remember...All of those places we've been, the tight spots we've found

ourselves in. Without you I don't know what I would have done, 'cause

Two heads are better than one.

E: We should split up and find the eyes

t: I see the ones that I prize...Burning foals

E: Coals

T: Limping Fools

E: Limpid pools

T: What can I say when I'm around you? Except when your eyes are looking

in mine, it makes this whole world look fine. When I first saw you this

thing just begun, 'Cause two heads are better than one.

E: (spoken) OK let me get this straight. (singing) Two heads are better

than one, With two heads you have so much more fun.

T: (spoken) That's right. (sung) It takes two arms to hold you and two

lips to kiss (they kiss)

Both: Tell me that one head feels feelings like this. Picturing life

without you, I really don't know what I'd do.

E: I'd be in a city

T: I'd be in a slum, looking at you shows me how far I've come!

Both: For with your eyes just looking in mine, It makes the whole world

look fine. Without you what would I have done? Two heads are better than

one. (they kiss)

TEDDY

Can't you see that for the first time in the five years I have known you

I have at last summoned the intestinal fortitude to tell you what I have

always wanted to tell you.

EUDORA

What? Get it over with!

TEDDY

Eudora...I truly am...really...really.. moderately fond of you.

EUDORA

Not now, Teddy! Not yet! (she takes the map and runs off)

TEDDY

Come back, Eudora. I have a fire in my loins!

(Teddy gives chase)

(PERRY and PERVIS enter

through another opening.)

PERRY

My God, it's hot. I mean this is hot. I've never seen such...heat.

PERVIS

Look, dammit, I promise that the next time I drag you into the

hinterlands of Africa, I'll try and pick a cool spot.

PERRY

And I've never seen mosquitos that big. I think one of them carried off

my lunch.

PERVIS

That was no mosquito.

PERRY

Thank God.

PERVIS

There are dozens of species of birds of prey, any one of which could

have carried off your lunch.

PERRY

Great...grand...thanks a lot.

PERVIS

Hey, something has to get the spoor the tigers leave behind.

PERRY

Tigers?

PERVIS

Of course. There's a food chain going on in this here verdant paradise.

PERRY

If this is paradise I wish I had a lawnmower.

PERVIS

Right! And leave the rhinos with nothing to eat?

PERRY

Rhinos?

PERVIS

Ah, don't be such a wimp.

PERRY

Wimp? Wimp? I just live for being surrounded by wild animals in some

twisted primeval capeteria.

PERVIS

Do you see any animals? (PERRY looks around, shrugs) I rest my case.

PERRY

This is so not me.

PERVIS

You know, you're pretty squeamish for Teddy Potsdorf's brother.

PERRY

Teddy Potsdorf doesn't exist.

PERVIS

Not this again.

PERRY

I am not his brother!

PERVIS

Then why was Herbert East shooting at you?

PERRY

Because he saw me with you!

PERVIS

I know I have a bad rep but this is ridiculous!

PERRY

If you had bothered to ask me I would have told you before you dragged

me into the jungle.

PERVIS

You could have told me, jerk!

PERRY

I don't even believe that Teddy Potsdorf is alive.

PERVIS

(grabbing PERRY's lapels) Dammit! Teddy's not dead!

PERRY

I didn't say he was dead! I said he was a mythical figure!

PERVIS

You don't knock off this mythical milarky, I'm gonna put a mythical fist

into your mythical face.

PERRY

How could I tell you when you keep threatening to hit me? Didn't it

strike you as somewhat odd that I keep denying the existence of the man

we're looking for?

PERVIS

I figured it was some kind of demented sibling rivalry.

PERRY

Oh, fantastic, stuck in the jungle with Sigmund frigging Freud.

PERVIS

You could have said something.

PERRY

Well, what did you expect? "Hello, I'm not Teddy Potsdorf's brother but

please get out of the way of the big, nasty man with the stick of

dynamite who is about to incinerate you!"

PERVIS

Jesus Christ, where did they grow you?

(Load beastlike roar)

PERRY

What was that?

PERVIS

We have to get moving. Come on whoever you are.

(Roar, exit PERVIS)

PERRY

What was that?

PERVIS

(angrily from offstage) Nothing.

PERRY

(running after PERVIS) Was it an angry nothing?

(EUDORA and TEDDY, locked in a

passionate embrace, tumble on-

stage.)

EUDORA

Oh...Teddy!

TEDDY

Oh, Eudora. I spend my every waking moment in memory of our one night of

passion in Tiri Hala all those years ago.

EUDORA

(disengages, slaps him) And I too have spent my time remembering Abu-

Dhabi!

TEDDY

You're not still sore over Abu-Dhabi! (beat) Come on, that was two years

ago!

EUDORA

The scars run deep!

TEDDY

Scars? It was you who left me alone with the jewels in that train

station in Dwanga with fifty customs officers on my tails!

EUDORA

The train station in Dwanga--was that where we were supposed to meet?

TEDDY

Of course! After the wreck of the second truck, Pervis and I took the

first truck and the jewels and I expressly told you to take the third

truck and meet us at eight o'clock.

EUDORA

Eight o'clock.

TEDDY

Eight o'clock.

(drawing himself closer to

EUDORA once more.)

EUDORA

You never told me where!

TEDDY

I told you when!

EUDORA

(pushing him away) Oh thank you...thank...you.

TEDDY

Perhaps we should split up now.

EUDORA

(snatching the map) Perhaps that would be for the best.

TEDDY

But only temporarily...right?

EUDORA

Whoever first finds the eyes find the other one, all right?

TEDDY

But I have no map!

EUDORA

I know.

TEDDY

(sweltering) All right! All right! I get it! I shall find the eyes! I

shall find the eyes and I shall do it all for you! I shall prove myself

worthy of your love!

EUDORA

(Not believing Teddy's incredible obtuseness) Exactly.

TEDDY

(running back to EUDORA) Then you shall forgive me for Abu-Dhabi...

EUDORA

(kissing TEDDY, though not nearly passionately enough) Then we shall

see.

TEDDY

We shall see about those eyes.

EUDORA

Which eyes?

TEDDY

Your eyes...kiss me!

EUDORA

(Harshly.)The eyes of Kalkaput.

TEDDY

I'll find the eyes! I'll find the eyes!

EUDORA

Yes, the eyes...the eyes.

TEDDY

(reaching for her) Please! Please!

EUDORA

First find the eyes.

TEDDY

Aye, aye!

(Exit TEDDY. TEDDY runs back in, stands in

front of EUDORA, panting, he lets out a

roar and soon runs back out. EUDORA then

makes her exit.)

(PERRY runs onstage)

PERRY

Oh my God! Oh my God! I've never seen a cat that big!

PERVIS

(wearily strolling in) They only hunt humans when they're wounded.

PERRY

Oh, great, great. Simba nicks himself on a twig and I'm hamburger. I

think I'm hyperventilating!

PERVIS

You queer-o! Who the hell are you anyway?

PERRY

Perry Arnold, I'm a writer.

PERVIS

I should have known, you've probably never even stepped on the grass!

PERRY

Hey! I've done my share of the rough and rugged!

PERVIS

Like?

PERRY

I was a cub scout...once.

PERVIS

You want a cookie?

PERRY

It's not my fault I was kicked out in my first week...

PERVIS

Please, stop, I'm weeping.

PERRY

Just 'cause I couldn't undo a triple Nelson half sling quadruple slash

triple knot.

PERVIS

That's touching, wimp!

PERRY

I'm not all wimp!

PERVIS

Hey...it's all right. I'm a writer myself.

PERRY

I know, Pervis McAllister, the once stock broker now ace cub reporter

for the Galveston Macram and Bilge Water Society Herald Bugle Mirror

Gazette Times.

PERVIS

Ace cub reporter first class.

PERRY

I thought all writers were wimps.

PERVIS

I got some weaknesses.

PERRY

Soon to be revealed, perhaps?

PERVIS

You talk like a movie.

PERRY

I write movies.

PERVIS

Oh yeah?

PERRY

You know, "Teddy P-," "Tales from the Tin Parrot," "Saboteur Smasher,"

"Biff Corbett, Space Cadet." I wrote 'em all.

PERVIS

Then what were you doing in a caf in Namibia?

PERRY

Trust me, I wish I knew.

PERVIS

You weren't doing research, were you?

PERRY

No...no.

PERVIS

Good, I've got dibs on the Potsdorf scoop. I've been following this

story for five years now...

PERRY

You've been following him for five years?

PERVIS

(snaps) He's a very interesting man!

PERRY

No! No! I'm sure he is.

PERVIS

Good!

PERRY

I just can't see how anybody could follow somebody for five years.

PERVIS

None of your damned beeswacks.

PERRY

That story you're gonna write is going to be one heck of a meal ticket.

PERVIS

TEDDY POTSDORF IS NOT A MEAL TICKET!

PERRY

Fine! Fine!

PERVIS

This is futile!

PERRY

Damned straight.

PERVIS

(tearing the map in 2) We're going to have to split into two.

PERRY

Wait, remember me? The ex-cub scout, couldn't undo a triple Nelson half

sling Quadruple slash triple knot?

CONFUSION IN THE JUNGLE

Pervis: Don't worry, I'll give you the speed-course on exploring.

(Music begins. The word "now" of Pervis' first line should come on the

downbeat)

Pervis: Where are we now?

Perry: We're here, in this God-forsaken jungle!

Pervis: Yes, but what is unique about where we're at?

Perry: Well, there are trees, and there is grass, and there are vines,

but no paths...

Pervis: (frustrated) AND IT'S A CLEARING!

Perry: (Sheepishly) I was leading up to that.

Perry/Pervis: It won't be hard to rescue Teddy,

As long as we know just where we are.

It won't be hard to rescue Teddy,

Perry: As long as Teddy didn't go very far.

Pervis: When will we meet?

Perry: In a while...when we've finished with our search

Pervis: Not in a while! In exactly how much time?

Perry: (trying to get it right) Well, ten minutes seems too short, and

two hours seems too long...how 'bout one hour?

Perivs: (with a note of sarcasm) Very good! One hour should be just

fine.


As long as we know when we will meet,


Perry: It sure as hell won't be easy in this heat!

Pervis: Where will we meet in one hour?

Perry: (really trying hard, but he is hopeless) How about...in the

jungle!

Pervis: (dripping with sarcasm) In the jungle. Well, you certainly got

that one right.

Perry: (desperate now) Near a stream? By a tree? On a vine? Please tell

me!!

Pervis: (pissed off) IN THIS CLEARING!!!!

Perry: I will NEVER get this right.


As long as we keep track of ourselves too!


Perry: As long as the one who rescues him is you!

BRIDGE

Pervis: But if you find Teddy don't look for me in this clearing.

Perry: Where should I find you?

Pervis: (a bit confused herself) OUTSIDE the clearing!

And if I find Teddy I won't come to the clearing...

Perry: And you will look for me...

Pervis: Everywhere but here!


As long as we follow the plan we've made.


Perry: As long as my memory doesn't fade!

(The next section is spoken very rapidly and in rhythm and is intended

to confuse the audience!)

Pervis: What's the plan?

Perry: We will meet in an hour in this clearing in the jungle if we

haven't

found Teddy by then.

And when we meet we will then decide if we should search for him again.

But if I find Teddy, or if you find Teddy, then we will not come back

here.

We will find the other person outside of the clearing 'cause the

clearing will be clearly clear!

(Pervis and Perry look confused for about four beats)

Pervis/Perry: Oh it might be hard to rescue Teddy,

'Cause things are getting way out of hand!

But we've got to try to rescue Teddy,

Even if we've got a lousy plan!

(Four beats of fill as Perry silently tries to remember the plan.

Finally, he looks at Pervis hopelessly)

Pervis: (spoken) See, you're a seasoned explorer already! (Pervis exits)

PERRY

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CLEARINGS THERE ARE AROUND HERE?

(PERRY scampers off into the bushes. No

sooner has he done this, EUDORA appears

and whistles a signal. Enter HERBERT

EAST.)

EUDORA

(running to him) Herbert! Herbert!

HERBERT

I see you have acquired the map!

EUDORA

Soon you and I shall rule as the rulers of the lost tribes of Kalabala.

HERBERT

Yes. Soon my vengence over Potsdorf shall be complete.

EUDORA

I should say that stealing his treasure. laying claim to half of Asia

Minor and living out the rest of our lives in royal luxury while he

lives the rest of his miserable existence in well deserved obscurity is

a fitting vengence.

HERBERT

Not entirely.

EUDORA

Not?

HERBERT

Entirely. Potsdorf must die.

EUDORA

Kill Teddy?

HERBERT

A fitting test of queenly virtue, do you not agree?

EUDORA

But Herbert, Teddy and I...

HERBERT

And soon thereafter he left you to rot in a country you did not even

know.

EUDORA

That he did.

HERBERT

(holding out an elaborate dagger) And now you must show him that Eudora

Melon is not someone to be trifled with.

EUDORA

But death seems so ...extreme.

HERBERT

Are you so naive as to believe that the world operates on a more-or-less

basis?

EUDORA

Maybe...I suppose...

HERBERT

The world is either-or! Not more or less! It is everything or nothing.

EUDORA

But this is my vengence.

HERBERT

Was I or was I not at Abu-Dhabi, did I or did I not suffer from the

clumsiness of that wanton fool Potsdorf! I did and this revenge shall

show the extreme of my wrath. Humiliation is nothing. Death! Everything!

EUDORA

Then why don't you kill him?

HERBERT

Because I love you, Eudora. Because I know that the only thing which can

cleanse you of the meek stain of that buffoon is to see him die by your

own hands.

EUDORA

I can't.

HERBERT

You cannot? Then you shall continue this meager existence, scouring the

globe for the lost trinket of civilizations long extinct. You have

proven yourself unworthy of the man who rescued you from Abu-Dhabi!

EUDORA

No!...Yes!

ABU-DHABI

E: I'm sick and tired of waiting for him to come home again

There'll be no waiting again, while he takes Pervis with him

I'm too old to cry, You've got to live not die

Deal with with what you've got, go on livin your lot

I learned my lesson at Abu-Dhabi.

H: Abu-Dhabi

I rescued you from that fool, now show your love for me

Ride yourself of him, His weakness stains you

Prove yourself worthy To be my Queen!

I rescued you at Abu-Dhabi!

E: I'm sick and tired of waiting for him to come home again

H: Sometimes you just have to do some things you do not want to

Both: But revenge is sweet, Teddy is dead meat,

Just try and cross my path, you'll incur my wrath,

E: I learned my lesson at Abu-Dhabi.

H(at same time): I rescued you at Abu-Dhabi.

HERBERT

Then take the blade and shove from the face of the earth the man who is

the bane of my existence. Then I"ll know, I'll know that the woman I

have chosen as my queen is indeed worthy to rule over millions. Then,

you will have confirmed the extremes to which you are willing to go for

me!

EUDORA

(taking HERBERT by the waist) You're unspeakably evil.

(EUDORA and HERBERT slap each other's

buttocks, kiss and separate.)

HERBERT

(snatching the map) I prefer to think of myself as adorable.

Deductive reasoning: Note: although this

scene requires all characters to be

onstage at the same time, the characters

never truly see one another as they are

actually in different places.

(PERRY tumbles out of the bushes)

PERRY

Oh my God! I can't believe it! The lovely Eudora Melon and the vile

graverobber Herbert East are in league with one another. I have to warn

Teddy! I never wrote this! I never wrote this! Who writes this crap?

(PERRY scampers off into the bushes, enter

HERBERT EAST, turning the map around)

HERBERT

This map is illegible! I'll never find Potsdorf like this. (exits)

PERVIS

(entering) Perry's never going to find this spot again, Jeez. PERRY!

PERRY! IT'S ME, PERVIS! (underbreath) moron. (exits)

EUDORA

(running in, still brandishing the blade) Teddy! Teddy! I have something

for you.

(PERRY enters, opposite side of the stage)

PERRY AND EUDORA

(EUDORA sheaths the blade) I'm never going to find him this way.

PERVIS

(entering elsewhere on stage) Oh, this is useless.

PERRY

What would the intrepid Teddy Potsdorf do at a time like this?

TEDDY

(swinging on a vine into center stage) I should very well say I am lost!

I shall have to rely solely on my native wit.

PERRY

Teddy would use his highly developed powers of reasoning.

PERVIS

explore every possible avenue...

EUDORA

...trace every possible connection...

TEDDY

...and solve the riddle through deductive reasoning!

ALL BUT TEDDY

We're doomed.

TEDDY

I shall find it soon.

DEDUCTIVE REASONING

Verse 1...Sing:

We'll explore every avenue

And every possibility.

We'll solve this riddle,

And we'll use Deductive Reasoning.

Trace every connection,

Leave no stone unturned.

Think through the problem logically,

Deductive Reasoning!

Spoken:HERBERT

The eyes of Kalkaput cannot be far away!

TEDDY

...and the eyes re the window to the soul...

PERRY

...in Hindu mythology..

EUDORA

The third eye

PERVIS

And the eyes are an Indian relic!

TEDDY

And since the third eye is the sun source of all consciousness, we must

take three steps in the direction of the rising sun!

Sing:







The direction of the rising sun,

Three steps to the east!

(All follow suit as if they have arrived

at this conclusion independently)

TEDDY

And what comes to mind with the rising sun?

PERVIS

Scrambled eggs?

EUDORA

Diamonds?

PERRY

Japan?

HERBERT

Portable radios!

TEDDY

And what comes to mind when I say the word "marconi"?

EUDORA

...and cheese?

TEDDY

The Italian inventor...

HERBERT

Guillermo Marconi!

TEDDY

Who first broadcast the human voice through radio waves in 1901! And

what do we listen to in the radio?

PERRY

Music...

TEDDY

And what do we do to music?

EUDORA

Well, usually I break out the cognac, put a log on the fire...

TEDDY

Dance! Dance!

EUDORA

I could dance out here. But in which direction?

TEDDY

And the national dance of Italy is the Tarantella, which in a dictionary

resides right next to what?

PERRY

Teddy, where are you?

TEDDY

In a regular dictionary perhaps, but in a dictionary which encompasses

only musical terms I would find it comfortably nestled right next to...

HERBERT

The Tango!

TEDDY

The national dance of Argentina! And because the tango is usually in 4/4

time...

PERVIS

We must take eight steps in the direction of Argentina!

Sing:







Turn toward Argentina now,

Eight paces that way!

(All take eight steps in completely

different directions)

TEDDY

And because Argentina is one of the many countries with the distinction

of being located in the southern hemisphere, and because this zone of

the earth is an odd sort of place where due to the coreolis effect

everything from the four season of the year to the flushing of a simple

commode work in reverse...

HERBERT

I must work back to my previous association in order to avoid falling

into an erroneous conclusion!

PERVIS

It is back to the Tango, then.

TEDDY

Which to a cartographer or a telegraph operator...

EUDORA

Would be longhand for the letter "T"!

PERVIS

The 20th letter of the alphabet!

PERRY

What a stroke of luck!

EUDORA

The 20th letter on the west end of the alphabet...

HERBERT

20 steps to the west!

TEDDY

That's exactly what they are expecting us to believe!

ALL BUT TEDDY

(Music cuts) Huh?

TEDDY

But to a cartographer this would mean the 20th longitude!

PERVIS

(looking at his map) and the 20th latitude!

Sing:






Leave no stones unturned.

To a map maker it's longitude,

Twenty-twenty.





Trace every connection


Think through the problem logically

Deductive Reasoning!

PERRY

The 20th longitude and the 20th latitude...hmmm.

TEDDY

Exactly in the kaukau velt, only a few miles due south.

HERBERT

And if my timing is right...

EUDORA

I can beat all of them there!

(everybody but PERRY grabs a vine and

swings offstage)

PERRY

But how do I get there? (a vine swings in, hits him on the head) I can't

get used to this lifestyle.

(PERRY swings off at the same time EUDORA

swings in. There are now several walls

facing center stage, where there is an

altar bearing the jewels. EUDORA begins to

feel about the wall)

EUDORA

The temple! And inside, the mythical eyes of Kalkaput.

TEDDY

(swinging in) So! It wasn't all "idol" gossip (TEDDY grabs EUDORA by the

waist)

EUDORA

Oh, Teddy, you slay me. (EUDORA holds knife behind TEDDY's back)

TEDDY

Oh, Eudora. Seeing you again has sparked my...fondness...for you with

an intensity the likes of which I have not felt in my tens of years as

an explorer. (Deep kiss)

EUDORA

Oh, Teddy...I can't do it!

TEDDY

Do what?

EUDORA

(hiding the knife) This...we must find the eyes!

TEDDY

The eyes are beyond that wall. You know that, I know that. But right now

I feel as if someone has dropped a pachiderm down my pants. Your love

has turned me into a vast pool of creosote. Let me taste your tonsils!

EUDORA

(turning the knife around) Forgive me, Teddy.

(EUDORA bops him over the head with the

knife handle)

TEDDY

There is nothing to be forgiven. I can feel my desire pounding inside my

head.

(EUDORA takes TEDDY'S helmet again and

hits him even harder.)

TEDDY

Yes! Pounding relentlessly!

EUDORA

Teddy, the wall is moving!

TEDDY

Am I that good?!

(The wall gives way. TEDDY and EUDORA fly

across the stage and right back out, we

hear a deafening crash.)

EUDORA

Oh, Teddy!

(PERVIS and PERRY both swing in at the

same time. PERRY turns around and sees

PERVIS and lets out a rather ungentlemanly

yelp)

PERVIS

It's just me, Bozo!

PERRY

Well, excuse me! I've been a little bit on edge since you left me alone

in the jungle!

PERVIS

That's not the only thing you've been on!

PERRY

(realizing he's jumped into PERVIS' arms) I'm sorry (extricating

himself) I must have slipped.

PERVIS

Freudianly.

PERRY

What?

PERVIS

I said, "Look, there's the temple!"

PERRY

That's not the half of it! The lovely lady archaeologist Eudora Melon is

actually in league with the vile graverobber Herbert East. They're

plotting to kill Teddy.

PERVIS

I'll kill the horny broad!

PERRY

No, wait! If we find the jewels first, we may be able to exchange them

for Teddy's life!

PERVIS

(pointing to wall) Then push!

(They push the wall in.)

PERRY

My god...The mythical eyes of the goddess Kalkaput. They're as

beautiful as I had envisioned.

PERVIS

Kid, in this business when you have seen one B.F.E. glowing priceless-

power-amulet-mythical-enchanted-all encompassing-sun-source-of-all-evil-

on-earth trinket you have seen 'em all.

PERRY

Then get it and let's get out of here.

PERVIS

You said it! You said it!

PERRY

Just get it!

(We hear a long, droning chant-

ing in the distance.)

PERRY

What's that?

PERVIS

Oh crap! What time is it?

PERRY

Twelve noon.

PERVIS

Ah, Christ!

PERRY

Why? Why "Ah, Christ"? Why can't you just tell me?

PERVIS

Hide, pudknocker!

(PERVIS grabs PERRY and drags him behind

the altar. A slew of cloaked chanting

acolytes stream by. PERVIS and PERRY

emerge.)

PERRY

What the hell was that?

PERVIS

I forgot to tell you that every day at noon the temple clergy prepare to

worship the goddess Kalkaput with a human sacrifice.

PERRY

And you didn't tell me?

PERVIS

Must have slipped my mind.

PERRY

SLIPPED? SLIPPED? Of course! I see human sacrifices so often nowadays I

don't even flinch anymore.

PERVIS

Duck!

(clergy attack. One of them re-

mains onstage)

PERVIS

That was...too close.

PERRY

I hate that line!

EUDORA

(whipping off nun's cloak) No more than you'll hate this line!

PERRY

Oh, great! Let me guess-

PERRY AND EUDORA

I'm sorry to burst into your little party, but I have come to take that

which is rightfully mine!

PERVIS

Bitch!

PERRY

Eudora! You can't do this. You're Eudora Melon, the lovely lady

archaeologist! You're supposed to be up there with Tess Trueheart, Wilma

Deering and Dales Arden and Evans!

EUDORA

Kid, you talk like a movie serial, and I'm sick of it, I've had it up to

here with playing the doting heroine! I'm sick of purity...turtlenecked

bathing suits and floor length exploration skirts! I'm sick of

screaming, "Teddy, help me!" whenever a god-damned tiger comes on the

scene. And I'm sick of having to lug a make-up case to these third world

cesspools.

PERRY

You can't betray Teddy Potsdorf. The man who loves you.

PERVIS

You don't know dick, dick! She never loved him! She only wants him for

his jewels!

EUDORA

So what? So frigging what? I never asked to be made a pillar of

chastity!

(Nun attack. Enter TEDDY in

undershirt, shorts and pith hel-

met.)

TEDDY

What is all of this ruckus...Pervis!

PERVIS

Ah, fantastic! I put my crackers on the squisher for you and this is

what I get?

TEDDY

My word!

HERBERT

It is more like my word.

ALL BUT HERBERT AND EUDORA

HERBERT EAST!!!!

HERBERT AND TEDDY DUET (not done as of 1/22/90)

HERBERT

Good. Now that we are past the introductions, I can collect the eyes and

Eudora and I can get on with the task of uniting the lost tribes of

Kalabala and ruling as king and queen.

TEDDY

This is impossible, you died in the wreck of the second truck.

HERBERT

So it seemed. In fact, I was lucky to escape in the fourth truck.

PERVIS

But there was no fourth truck.

HERBERT

Never mind.

TEDDY

East, both you and I know you cannot get away with this, you are

unsuited to rule over millions.

HERBERT

I may be unsuited to rule, Teddy, but at least I am not...unsuited.

(There is a general shudder as Teddy

recognizes his state of undress.)

HERBERT

(pulling out gun) Hand them over! (collecting eyes) At last. Come,

Eudora, our time has come

TEDDY

Eudora, how could you do this to me?

PERVIS

This isn't the least of it. All this time she's been plotting to ice

you.

EUDORA

I'm sorry, Teddy, but this was the only way I could think of paying you

back for Abu-Dhabi.

TEDDY

I thought Abu-Dhabi was all paid for.

EUDORA

(looking TEDDY up and down) You couldn't begin to pay me for Abu-Dhabi.

TEDDY

You give me so little credit.

HERBERT

I suppose I was much more of a man in the fourth truck than you ever

were in the second truck.

PERVIS

Oh great! Do you know what this reminds me of? This reminds me of the

time you tried to build the submarines out of rat droppings and peanut

shells.

TEDDY

(Cutting PERVIS off) That would have worked! It's not my fault that

nobody told me that rat droppings are water soluble.

HERBERT

Well, Teddy, again we see the sort of mentality that got you expelled

from the explorer's club.

EUDORA

Ouch!

TEDDY

You're still holding that against me? I've done well without the

Explorer's Club.

HERBERT

Apparently not well enough.

PERVIS

Ouch!

TEDDY

You are evil, East, unspeakably evil, East.

HERBERT

(handing EUDORA a rope) Tie them up! (to TEDDY) Perhaps, but remember

what you spell when you write "evil" backwards.

PERRY

Elvis?

HERBERT

No, live! And that is what I shall do. And while I live in luxury, the

three of you shall acheive first hand knowledge of a human sacrifice.

Not a bad way to spend an evening, eh?

EUDORA

(kisses TEDDY) So long, Teddy.

TEDDY

(Mesmerized) Thank you sir, may I have another?

(Exit EUDORA and HERBERT. TEDDY stands up,

the ropes fall off from around him, PERRY

and PERVIS remain tied.)

PERVIS

Snap out of it and untie us!

TEDDY

In a moment! I must first find my clothes. (turns to leave)

PERVIS

Dammit all, Teddy, we are in danger here.

TEDDY

Pervis, I am a gentleman. I shan't face the peril of human sacrifice and

certain death without my trousers.

PERRY

A true gentleman would untie us.

TEDDY

(running out) Come along. Any cub scout in his first season can undo a

triple Nelson half sling quadruple slash triple knot.

PERVIS

Come back here you cowardly, boorish, vain, insensitive, pusillanimous,

oaf headed, male chauvinist pig!

TEDDY

(running in) I am not vain! The lovely lady archaeologist Eudora Melon

has fallen prey to the spell of the vile graverobber Herbert East. She

needs me!

(TEDDY prances off. We begin

to hear the chanting of the

coming nuns.)

PERVIS

(screaming after TEDDY) Can't you think with your other head for a

change!

PERRY

It's no use. We'll have to find the way out ourselves.

PERVIS

All of this I did for him.

PERRY

I know, but those monks...

PERVIS

All of the years I followed that scumbag.

PERRY

Look, I know how you...

PERVIS

How could he do this to me?

PERRY

We are going to die, Pervis!

PERVIS

If I had known this...

PERRY

Look, dammit, you are Teddy's sidekick!

PERVIS

What?

PERRY

I didn't mean to make you a woman! But the studio wanted more female

characters. I didn't mean to put you through this. If I had made you a

wisecracking midget named Emmett this never would have happened. But no!

The studio wanted more female characters!

PERVIS

What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean I could have been

a wisecracking midget named Emmett?

PERRY

You are Teddy's sidekick, his grease-monkey. Your job was to be a foil

to him. To say funny things and to get him out of trouble whenever I

wrote myself into a corner.

PERVIS

I can't help it. He was Teddy Potsdorf: dashing, funny, he always wore

that smoking jacket, he always had the right answer...

PERRY

What?

PERVIS

Well, he always seemed to have the right answer!

PERRY

I know. I created him after me.

BY HIS SIDE

By his side, I've always been

By his side, but he never sees the look in my eye

When I'm with him, it's that look that keeps me

By his side, oh how I've tried, to catch his eye

But I'll never hold his hand, kiss those lips

Yet I plan to stay here

By his side, does he know that I'm there?

I'm too far gone to care, that he's in love but not with me

There's something about him that keeps me

By his side, the way he looks, the way he speaks

I'll never be too proud as long as I'm allowed to stay here, By his

side.

PERRY

Look, I am sorry he put you through this.

PERVIS

For that hairbrained slut Eudora Melon.

PERRY

But if we don't get out of this, one of those nuns will sacrifice us to

the goddess Kalkaput, then you and Teddy will never get a chance to

settle this. (He stands up. The ropes fall)

PERVIS

Perry! You undid the triple Nelson half sling Quadruple slash triple

knot.

PERRY

(Nun's singing is now really, really close) You can give me the merit

badge at the jamboree!

(PERRY unties PERVIS.)

PERVIS

They're coming!

PERRY

What would Teddy Potsdorf do at a time like this?

PERVIS

Run?

PERRY

Don't be cynical! Too late!

PERVIS

For cynicism?

(PERRY and PERVIS look at one another, run

behind the altar and knock the statues off

their podiae and stand in their positions.

The nuns do their walkabout and are almost

offstage when)

TEDDY

(Now fully clothed) You two! Get off those podiums and let us find

Eudora!

PERVIS AND PERRY

(to TEDDY as nuns turn around) You schmuck!

TEDDY

Out this way! (they all scramble for the bridge)

PERVIS

They're coming!

PERRY

The bridge will only hold one person! (TEDDY crosses and leaves the

stage) You son of a...

PERVIS

We'll have to risk it! (PERVIS and PERRY begin to cross the bridge)

PERRY

What would Teddy Potsdorf do at a time like this?

TEDDY

(running in, holding his knife) Teddy would cut the bridge so as to

prevent those murderous nuns from coming after him!

PERRY

Good idea.

TEDDY

Jolly good. (TEDDY begins to cut the bridge)

PERVIS

Teddy, wait!

PERRY

Until we have come...

PERVIS AND PERRY

ACROSS!

(Spotlight on TEDDY, else black)

PERRY AND PERVIS

AHHHH!

TEDDY

Oh bloody hell!

Blackout.

Scene Five: Bar None

The scene takes place in the Caf Ol.

EUDORA and HERBERT walk through the door.

The caf is particularly crowded.

FRANCOIS

Ah, Monsieur, Madame, welcome to the Caf Ol. I am Francois

L'Asneparlant the proprietor of this establishment and we have a lovely

floor show planned for tonight.

HERBERT

Shut up.

EUDORA

Herbert, what are we doing here?

HERBERT

Getting rid of Teddy Potsdorf once and for all.

EUDORA

But we left him to be sacrificed in the jungle.

HERBERT

Sure we did (roughly grabbing EUDORA) But of course, any cub scout can

undo a triple Nelson half sling Quadruple slash triple knot.

EUDORA

It's the only knot I know!

HERBERT

You did not think I would notice?

EUDORA

I didn't do it on purpose.

HERBERT

Of course you did not. It would not surprise me if he has not already

sniffed us out like a bloodhound.

EUDORA

You're paranoid.

HERBERT

NOT!

EUDORA

And you're afraid of him.

HERBERT

I fear only one man...me!

EUDORA

Teddy's dead, can't you leave it at that?

HERBERT

Pray that I leave it at that, for your sake. Get me a drink.

(They go their separate ways: EUDORA to

the bar, HERBERT to a table where he meets

a black robed gentleman.)

HERBERT

Moustapha! (They embrace)

EUDORA

Francois.

FRANCOIS

Madame Melon, where is monsieur Potsdorf?

EUDORA

Sniffing my trail like a blood hound.

FRANCOIS

No, no, no. Monsieur Potsdorf would never get on the ground like that.

He would have Pervis do it for him.

(TEDDY swings in on vine)

EUDORA

Teddy!

FRANCOIS

No, Madame, mon nom est Francois!

TEDDY

Eudora. No time to speak. Come.

EUDORA

What are you doing?

TEDDY

I'm saving your life.

EUDORA

My life?

TEDDY

You can thank me later, come.

EUDORA

Thank you! I'm surprised you walked into this trap!

(Freeze. PERRY swings in on his own vine,

knocking a waiter down. As PERRY gets up

he notices HERBERT EAST and, taking the

waiter's tray and kerchief, eavesdrops on

the conversation.)

HERBERT

When the floor show begins, Moustapha...

MOUSTAPH

My agents shall descend upon Potsdorf like rodents to cheese.

HERBERT

And they may take Eudora Mellon as a bonus.

PERRY

The lovely lady archaeologist Eudora Melon?

HERBERT

Not for long.

(As the following exchange occurs, PERRY

continues to eavesdrop. FRANCOIS has

brought TEDDY and EUDORA a bottle of

wine.)

TEDDY

I am risking life and limb for you, Eudora. I'm not leaving without you.

EUDORA

If you will not leave without me, all that we've left to do is wait for

Herbert's men to do you in.

TEDDY

How can you say that after Abu-Dhabi, Tiri-Hala, Sinirama.

EUDORA

You fool. It is so like you to glorify our fling.

TEDDY

Fling?

EUDORA

A fling. A fleeting fluke!

(FRANCOIS fills EUDORA's glass, she throws

the wine at TEDDY. FRANCOIS fills Teddy's

glass.)

TEDDY

A fleeting fluke? Your fault! (throws his wine at her)

EUDORA

Fibber! (splash)

TEDDY

Flirt! I figured I felt fond of you! (splash)

FRANCOIS

Would you like another bottle?

TEDDY

Make it something cheap.

(PERRY runs across the stage to TEDDY and

EUDORA. The waiter he originally knocked

down is now coming to. PERRY places the

tray on his hand, crosses behind the

waiter. Still dazed, the waiter looks at

his tray, shrugs and goes about his

business.)

EUDORA

Go, Teddy, go! Go without me. Herbert will kill you. He's...

TEDDY

Unspeakably evil.

EUDORA

Yes.

TEDDY

East has never mustered the intestinal fortitude to kill me, and I'll

not leave behind the treasure I have labored so long to attain.

EUDORA

Perhaps death is in your fate.

PERRY

The joke's on you, Eudora Melon.

TEDDY

You!

PERRY

And that man sitting by Herbert East is Moustapha Kabir Bedi, the head

of the world's most notorious criminal league.

TEDDY AND EUDORA

The global united fellowship for assasin waiters!

PERRY

Guffaw! One and the same. And the prize is on both your heads!

TEDDY

Good God. We must plot a daring and resourceful escape. Where the devil

is Pervis in our hour of need?

PERRY

Pervis is missing.

TEDDY

Pervis? Missing? Never!

PERRY

You must have forgotten how both Pervis and I plummeted into that chasm

when you cut off the wrong end of that bridge!

TEDDY

That is ridiculous. Only a complete idiot would cut off the wrong end of

the bridge! (beat) Never mind! If Pervis is truly missing, we may be in

over our heads.

PERRY

If you had admitted that to Pervis a long time ago we might not be in

this mess.

TEDDY

Admit what?

PERRY

That without Pervis you can't get out of half the scrapes you get into.

TEDDY

I never!

PERRY

What about the time you tried to build the hang glider out of sheep's

tongues?

EUDORA

Stop! (to PERRY) You are the only one who knows Herbert's plan. You have

to help us.

PERRY

The hell I do. Do you think I want to be here when that floor show

begins and every assassin from here to Calcutta comes down on you?

You're the hero and the Heroine. It's high time you started acting like

it. (turns to leave)

EUDORA

Where are you going?

PERRY

To do what any self respecting writer would do when stuck in a room full

of assassins. Hide! (He exits)

EUDORA

So, Teddy, looks like we're skating on thin ice.

(Drumroll. Spotlight on FRANCOIS center

stage.)

FRANCOIS

Ladies and gentlemen...

TEDDY

Eudora, I've got it!

FRANCOIS

The Caf Ol proudly present...

TEDDY

If we're skating on thin ice...

FRANCOIS

Lola Salmonella...

TEDDY

We might as well dance.

FRANCOIS

And the Masters of Tango!

DEATH-TANGO NUMBER (instrumental)

FRANCOIS

(peeking from behind bar) Killer show.

(TEDDY and EUDORA stand along on center

stage. PERRY rushes in.)

TEDDY

Is that heroic enough for you?

HERBERT

(Cutting PERRY off) Not entirely, my fine feathered friend.

TEDDY AND EUDORA

Herbert East!

HERBERT

(pulling out a gun) Just me and my Beretta.

TEDDY

Your little charade is over, Herbert. Hand over the eyes.

HERBERT

You must be joking, I have the gun. I am not about to surrender to the

strength of your character.

EUDORA

But there are three of us.

PERRY

You're outnumbered, East.

HERBERT

Not entirely.

(HERBERT removes the medallion from a

pocket and calls out an incantation,

within seconds the club is flooded by the

chorus. All of whom are now swathed in

colorful robes and other flowing

garments.)

TEDDY, EUDORA, AND PERRY

THE LOST TRIBES OF KALABALA!

HERBERT

Not anymore. (addressing the crowd) And I, Herbert East hold the

treasure of your heritage. The jewel that is the godsend to your

divinely inspired ruler. And I shall give it to the highest bidder.

TEDDY

You're going to sell it?

HERBERT

Of course.

EUDORA

But...

PERRY

What a plot twist. Someone get me a pen!

TEDDY

This is a myth you're playing with. You cannot toy as such with destiny!

HERBERT

But my dear Teddy, we both agreed I was unsuited to rule. Better to

allow these fools to quarrel amongst themselves over the kingship. By

the time they have flattened each other out over it I will have retired

to that small suburban property I have always dreamed of buying.

EUDORA

Suburban property?

HERBERT

Utah.

TEDDY

Herbert East, you are...

HERBERT

Unspeakably evil. I know.

TEDDY

Mother always said you set a bad example.

PERRY

You mean you two are...

TEDDY AND HERBERT

Brothers.

PERRY

Jee-sus! Is someone getting this down?

EUDORA

But you wanted me to kill him.

TEDDY

All the best families fight.

PERRY

But you don't even have the same last name.

HERBERT

I took my mother's name when our father showed himself to be the

blustering fool Teddy seems to have taken after.

TEDDY

You shut up about dad! You never forgave him after the accident.

HERBERT

I suppose you still expect me to believe that he did not know that the

buffalo was going to explode.

PERRY

What?

TEDDY AND HERBERT

NOTHING!

HERBERT

Look, as much as I would love to stand here and reminisce about our dear

father's failures, these gentlemen are waiting.

TEDDY

You fiend.

HERBERT

Don't be so cross, shorty. You may bid on it too, your money is as good

as anybody else's.

TEDDY

Don't call me shorty!

BIDDING FOR THE EYES

H: Ladies and Gents, you will now have the chance

To buy back your kingdom, so just fix your glance

On these eyes--these eyes worth a country and more

Just shell out your money. I'll settle the score.

So...If you want to rule this kingdom, name your price

Give bids, lotsa bids, gimme gimme lotsa bids.

You won't regret it, so please take my advice

Gimme bids, lotsa bids, gimme gimme lotsa bids.

What do you have to lose?

Open your mouths, now who's

Gonna make a bid? Yes?

Man: I'd like to start the bidding

With this antique wooden chair

Granted, two legs of it are missing

But the carving's very rare.

H: I won't take that bid

Do you think that I am crazy?

If you weren't so nice

You'd be pushing up daisies

For making such a lousy bid.

I wanna hear good bids, and don't bid like he did

I wanna hear good bids now!

It's your country that's at stake here--gimme bids

Gimme bids lotsa bids gimme gimme lotsa bids

Don't you care at all--for God's sake?

Gimme bids lotsa bids gimme gimme lotsa bids.

Come on, I need a car, I won't get very far with these penny-pinching

bids

Man: I'm sure my offer to my country, Is so far above

Any other bid--I give these Hundred gold coins with my love

H: It's chocolate! I'm sorry, we can't make a deal with edible money

But thanks for the meal, It's a most delicious bid.

But this isn't funny, no junk or fake money

Come on give me real bids now! Let's go!

1: Twenty!

H: Jack it up!

2: Thirty!

H: Jack it up!

3: Forty!

H: Up!

4: Fifty!

H: Up! You've got to jack it up! What've I got to do, to get decent

bids from you? Now jack it up!

5: Sixty!

H: Sixty, going--

6: Seventy!

H: Going once--

7: Eighty!

H: Eighty!

8: Ninety!

H: Ninety!

9: One hundred!

H: One hundred bucks!

This is your last chance to make a winning bid, gimme bids, lotsa bids,

gimme gimme lotsa bids. Give me your final offer, I'm not kidding Gimme

bids lotsa bids gimme gimme lotsa bids

We've given you the best bids that we can possibly make. You criticize

them all, We think this auction is a fake!

H: What've I gotta do, A hundred bucks will do, If no one else will bid

C: What've we gotta do, We sure wish that you, will take our bids

H: Wait! This man has a diamond, beyond all compare

Do you offer it now, sir Or have you no care about your kingdom now?

Prince: Yes it's my bid.

>

HERBERT

(silencing the crowd) The kingship is declared.

PRINCE

And my first decree as prince is that you all feast and be merry...IN

PEACE!

(The tribesmen file to the bar, though

some still beat the crap out of each

other. FRANCOIS begins to serve drinks.

Only the prince and a henchman remain by

the principals.)

HERBERT

That may very well be the best advice I've heard all day. (snaps his

fingers, a vine lands in his open palms) So long...suckers! (exits)

TEDDY

(to PRINCE) I hope you're satisfied, ruler.

PERVIS

(removing the turban which until now served to disguise her as the

prince) I don't consider myself fit to rule!

PERRY

Pervis!

TEDDY

Thank heavens. I feared the worst had ensued as a result of my crass

mistake.

PERVIS

He admitted it!

PERRY

How did you escape? (PERVIS snaps her fingers, a vine lands in her open

palms).

EUDORA

More importantly, where did that diamond come from?

ALOPECIA

(removing her headgear) That was no diamond!

FRANCOIS

(from behind bar) You're alive! Madame Alopecia. (runs up) But we saw

you get blown out of the kitchen.

ALOPECIA

I suppose you all were too busy to count on my jacket getting caught on

that lamppost.

EUDORA

But what about the diamond?

PERVIS

Let's just say I don't want to be around when that piece of dry ice we

gave your brother evaporates into nothingness.

TEDDY

And the eyes?

ALOPECIA

Shall be returned to the place where they rightfully belong...to their

tribe in the jungle.

TEDDY

My God! Do you know what this means?

PERRY

What?

TEDDY

Without his nest egg, somewhere, somehow, my brother will be wreaking

unspeakable evil. He must be stopped. Come Eudora, we have the strength

of the righteous to uphold.

EUDORA

That is not the only thing we have to up hold.

TEDDY

Yes. (taking PERVIS' vine, TEDDY grabs EUDORA by the waist) Are you

coming, my faithful sidekick Pervis?

PERVIS

No, Teddy.

TEDDY

No?

PERVIS

Sorry, Teddy, but I've found my own story to write.

TEDDY

The story of the eyes.

PERVIS

And besides, maybe you'll learn to appreciate me a lot faster when I'm

not around.

TEDDY

Ah well, best of luck then, old boy, and do make me look good.

(TEDDY holds out his hand. PERVIS

grudgingly shakes it. EUDORA breaks it

up.)

EUDORA

Ahem...We do have unspeakable evil to stop, Teddy.

TEDDY

Damned straight. And remember what you get when you spell good

backwards. (TEDDY and EUDORA swing away)

PERRY, PERVIS, FRANCOIS, AND ALOPECIA

Doog?

(beat)

PERVIS

Aren't they a match made in purgatory. Do you think they'll ever be

happy together?

ALL

Nah.

PERRY

Not if I have anything to do with it.

ALOPECIA

(taking the eyes) And now these shall return to whence they belong!

Francois! Pack our bags, we're off to the jungle.

FRANCOIS

I love the jungle. It's so...feral. (ALOPECIA and FRANCOIS exit)

PERVIS

So, is this a happy enough ending for you?

PERRY

Well, I don't know.

(The lights close in on them. They stand

along in the spotlight)

PERVIS

What is there to know?

(The members of the lost tribes come

around them.)

PERRY

Well, you finally came to grips with this Teddy thing and Alopecia got

to preserve the eyes, and Teddy...well, Teddy rode off into the sunset

with the girl. It just seems that I didn't get anything heroic to do,

you know?

PERVIS

You finished your screenplay.

PERRY

What?

(The tribesmen whip off their cloaks to

reveal themselves as the studio execs.)

1

Good work.

3

I like the new Teddy.

4

Forget "Flash Gordon" this stuff's dynamite.

2

Explosive. Blammo. This stuff'll kill ya!

5

Not enough death.

1

If you can get this story you just told us on paper by tomorrow we'll

let you keep your job.

PERRY

Tomorrow?

PERVIS

I've been taking notes.

PERRY

Pervis, I'm really getting to enjoy working with you.

PERVIS

I wish you'd stop calling me that.

PERRY

Who are you?

PERVIS

The name's Penny. I've been your new script assistant for the past week,

wake up, pudknocker!

PERRY

Pervis, I'm really getting to enjoy working with you.

PERVIS

Cut the schmaltz, butthead, we've got work to do.

CLOSING NUMBER

Perry's done it! The story is written.

Good job! Great work! A winner for certain.

Adventure! Excitement!

This has everything we asked for,

Perry we will doubt you no more.

Teddy! Eudora! A happy ending for our lovers.

And Herbert gets just what he deserves.

The eyes of Kalkaput remain in safety.

The Kalabala people can now rest,

Pervis gets her story of a lifetime,

And everything has worked out for the best.

Perry's done it! The story is written.

Good job! Great work! A winner for certain.

Romance! Myst'ry! All the elements of great plot

Man I'll tell ya' this stuff is hot.

Treasure! Intrigue! The suspense is going to kill me.

When can we see part thirty-three.

Tag: Teddy Potsdorf! I love it! I love it!

Now go an write the script.

PERRY

You know, Pervis, reality is often stupendously well written.

THE END

11

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Trapped in the Silver Screen