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DedicationFor all of our clients who have been through mergers, acquisitions, difcult times andlifes many challenges. Thank you for all you have taught us about persistence, strengthand caring for others during tough times. You are the true inspiration for this brief guide.


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Tough Time Tactics:A Brief Practical Guide to De-stressing,

Recharging and Focusing

By Tim Ursiny, Ph.D. & Carole Cowperthwaite-OHagan, RCC

Table of Contents Page

Introduction: Tough Times 1

Theres a lot going on 1

People respond differently 2

Objectives and overview 2

Section I: Stress and Worry 4

Sources of Stress 5 The Psychology of Fear and Worry 10 What we can do about it 12

Section II: De-stressing Tactics 17

Three physical activities 19

Seven energetic approaches 20 Two mental techniques 23 Three spiritual approaches 25

Section III: Recharging Techniques 29

Four ways to pamper yourself 31 Three activity techniques 34 Five paths for building condence 35

Section IV: Focusing Strategies 43

Five things to block (protecting yourself from focus challenges) 46 Eight tackling strategies (ways to bring out your best) 47

Conclusion: Helping and Guiding Others 54

Calm the ght or ight 55 Inspire them to more realistic closure 56 Create a productive response 56


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Introduction:

Tough Times

Theres a lot going on...

Many people are experiencing tough times. The situations may be very different, but the danger of stress is real,no matter what the circumstances.

Bill had been with the same company for 28 years. He took pride in the name and the culture of the

company. When the company was acquired he felt lost and angry. Did the cultures match? Could he

trust the leaders? What did this mean for his clients? So many questions and so few immediate answers.

Kathy has been a successful nancial advisor for years. However, when the nancial crisis hit she lost an

incredible amount of money due to the amount of company stock she owned. In addition, many of her

clients lost a signicant amount of money due to the incredibly volatile market. Every day brought more

angry or fearful calls. To top things off, her ofce peers were very negative and scared of the future. She

is not sleeping and wonders if it is time to leave the industry.

It looks like cancer the doctor said with little emotion in her voice. Kim was shocked. She was only 35

and was always so healthy. She could barely hear the doctor as he talked about her treatment options.

Sam is in sales and since his clients are widespread throughout the city, he needs to drive from the

suburbs to Chicago every day. The trafc jams, constant construction, bad weather, rising gas prices and

stupid drivers can make Sams stress level seem unbearable at times.

Dan lost his top client a few months ago. He had been the highest performing salesperson in his

company for two years, but this year doesnt look so good. He is worried about maintaining his standard

of living and wonders if he will be able to put his kids through college. He has always lived well off of

his commissions, but for months he hasnt been able to meet his expenses with what he is bringing

home. He has been tapping into his ever dwindling savings and sees no light at the end of the tunnel.

Geraldine is 80, retired and has been living off her 401k and a few stocks she and her husband, Richard,

had invested in many years ago. With the ailing economy, and her retirement money losing its value daily,

she is extremely worried and unsure if she will have enough money to keep her home. Every day she

watches the news and reads the paper and wonders if there will be a turnaround soon.

Sheri is a single mom whose job is in jeopardy and her stress is reaching its limits. She does not have a

savings account and lives paycheck to paycheck. Every Friday she waits at her desk hoping for two

things: her paycheck and the absence of a pink slip.

1


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To accomplish this task, we have tapped into previous books and articles we have written as well asgenerated new material to bring you our best and favorite approaches for de-stressing, recharging andrefocusing. If you read this book AND do each of the exercises, you WILL improve your tenacity, life balanceand happiness. In order to help you do this we have structured sections I IV in a no-nonsense format as fol-lows:

The Story Each chapter will start with a story or illustration related tothe chapter topic.

The Stuff In this part of each section we will share with you the strategiestop performers use to de-stress, recharge and refocus.

The Drills At the end of each section we will encourage you to do twoexercises. Do not skip these as they are crucial for making these

tactics work for you.

The InspirationEach section will give you quotes to help inspire and move you.

The ResourcesWe will end each chapter with a list of additional resourcesfrom Advantage Coaching & Training (ACT) to help youcontinue your journey.

We started this introduction with stories of people who were stressed out by the circumstances of life. By the

end of this guide we trust that you will fully believe that their LEVEL of stress is their choice. Using the rightapproaches, none of us have to suffer unnecessarily. We may need to mourn losses and spend time in problem-solving, but we can thrive in any circumstance. We may not always be able to choose our circumstances, butwe can always choose our attitude. We can always choose what we do in response to difculties. We can alwayschoose to nd opportunity if we use tough times tactics.


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Stress and Worry

The Story

The Stuff

Sources of Stress

Every Halloween my three sons and I put on a haunted house in our basement. We have been doingthis for years and we have learned a few things in the art of scaring the neighborhood children (andadults). One rule that we have learned to follow is that you must leave a signicant amount of timein your haunted house where nothing pops out at the people. In fact, we have found that if we jumpout too often, people are actually LESS frightened. At rst glance this doesnt make any sense, but ifwe look deeper we can see why this works. You see, when people are walking through a room full ofdummies and scary decorations they are constantly on alert for the danger. They are thinking the entiretime, Something is going to happen, Someone is going to pop out, or I know they are around hersomewhere. This ANTICIPATION of the danger is actually more powerful than the actual pop out.By the time we do jump out, they have worked themselves into such a frenzy that our surprise sends

them screaming.

Now lets apply this to your life and work. What are your expectations about the future? What are youanticipating these days? What are your clients, customers or family concerned about? Are you speculat-ing and wondering about what is going to happen? Is your team (at work or home) full of worst casescenarios? Are the people you know stuck in this anticipatory anxiety? We believe that the person whunderstands fear will excel in times of challenge. The person who fails to get fear or who gets suckeup into fear is vulnerable to failing during difcult, ambiguous or recessionary times.

Stress can come in many forms and events. From travel time commuting to work, mergers, job inse-curity or loss, other people, the economy, etc., there is no end to the number of things that can stressus out (if we allow it). In our workshops we do an exercise where we divide the room into groups andeach group has to come up with a list of all of the things that bother, frustrate or stress them out. Aftabout 8 minutes we go over the results. We then ask the groups what most of the items have in com-

mon. The main answer? They are things we cant control. If you want to depress yourself today simplyspend an hour or so focusing on all of the things in life that you cant control. We guarantee that youwill feel badly after that exercise. On the other hand, if you want to empower yourself, feel better andgenerate great solutions you will focus your energy on those things you can control. In this section wewill cover four things you can impact in tough times:

Mind-trafc Your emotions How you deal with change Your interactions with other people


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Mind Trafc...

How does your mind work? Are you the type of person who has a quiet country road rolling through yourbrain or do you have to deal with a 16 lane highway? Most of our clients are top performers which meansthey have a lot of mind trafc. They are smart and capable people, but they can be their own worst enemiein terms of getting lost in their head. This is something we can control! In each of the following sections wwill help you utilize concrete tactics to eliminate distractions and focus on what really matters.

Your Emotions...

We are beings of both intellect and emotion and we need to accept that. We work with individuals who discount emotional intelligence as touchy-feely stuff . That touchy-feely stuff can make a huge differencein our life satisfaction and success. That said, emotions can get in our way if we arent smart about them.Our instincts do not always serve us well because they can be based on the past or even on primal responses. We will cover these primal responses when we talk about the ght or ight responses to fearful events.

At this point we just want to emphasize that you MUST have strategies to handle your feelings during stresful times. We have to use our emotions for fuel rather than let them drive us. Persistent people know howto channel their emotions into tenacity and conviction rather than destructive forces that take us off of oucritical mission. The tactics covered in sections II IV will help you channel your emotions effectively to gresults even during tough times.

How You Deal With Change...

The Top Performers Guide to Changeby Tim Ursiny and Barbara Kay was written specically to help individuadeal with transitions in life. While that book goes into the dynamics of change in great detail, in this sec-tion we just want to emphasize two choice continuums that you have when dealing with change. How wedeal with and experience change will be highly impacted by our approach (passive vs. active) and our focus(things we can control/impact vs. things we cant control/impact). The gure below shows the four choiceand presents how we would describe that person when they are falling into each category:

Angry

Victim

Helpless

Worrier

Condent

PerformerIrresponsible

Avoider

Focus on whatyou can control

ActivePassive

Focus on what

you cant control


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Irresponsible AvoiderThis is the individual who knows what needs to be done and has the ability to impact it,but decides not to step up to the plate. Usually this person is letting fear dictate thedecision rather than condence.

Helpless WorrierThis person takes a passive approach and focuses on what cant be controlled. This stancecreates hopelessness and can be the result of fatigue from going through multiple changesin a short period of time. The result is a person who constantly worries about the changes.Research shows that at least 85% of the things we worry about never come true.

Angry Victim

Like the helpless person, this individual tends to focus on what they cant control, but theyare very active about addressing it. These people consistently talk about the negative aspectsof the change without engaging in problem-solving areas of potential impact. They tend toassume hidden motives, exaggerate the dangers of change and recycle the negativeconsequences of the change.

Condent PerformersThe top performer actively focuses on things he or she can impact and change. Theyembrace the parts of change that cant be controlled and empower themselves by taking

positive action wherever and whenever possible. This person not only serves theorganization best, but also handles change in the best way for his or her own healthand sanity.

All of us fall into different categories at times. What is important is to catch ourselves and continuallyremind ourselves of the benets of actively focusing on the areas where we can have the most positiveimpact.

How we deal with change highly impacts our stress levels. Another critical area involves our interactions

with other people.


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Your Interactions With Other People...

Few things can frustrate us as much as other people. Whether it is the clueless or angry client, thedemanding manager, the irresponsible friend, the crazy family member or even just the bad drivers, we

allow other people to cause us a lot of pain and stress. Learning how to deal effectively with othersis a mission critical skill, but it is also a skill on which very few of us get adequate training. While thistopic is far too vast to cover here, we simply want to present a conversation model for when someoneconfronts you with frustration or anger. The GROWS model has ve steps which we will describe byadapting a segment taken from The Top Performers Guide to Conictby Tim Ursiny and David Bolz.

ReectReect back and clarify,

making sure you verbalizeyour desire to resolve the

conict.

GatherUse questions and listening

skills to determine the sourceof conict and understand

fully the other personsperspective and points.

WantLet the other personknow what you need

from him or her

OwnBe account-able foryour contributions

to the conict

StrategizeBrainstorm

win-win solutions.

Lets look at each part of the conversation model.


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GatherUse questions and listening skills to determine the source of conict. Explore the catalysts and reasonsfor the conict. Work to fully understand the other persons perspective and points. To do this you mus

use powerful questions and keen listening skills. Sample questions to ask in this part of the conversatioare:

What do you think is the main case for the conict?

How did we get into this situation?

What do you think is going on here?

How do you feel about all of this?

What is your perspective on the issue?

Of course, eventually both parties need to show a willingness to gather (as well as participate in all ofthe other phases of this conversation), but make sure that you are the top performer and are leading thway, rather than being reactive. Remember that the stronger person will dictate the emotional mood of

the conversation.

ReectIn conictual situations, we generally do not believe that the other person understands our perspectiveand emotions unless they fully verbalize them with empathy and insight. In this stage of the conversatiit is important to summarize and paraphrase what the other person said and what they feel. You needto do this genuinely and with emotional insight rather than just repeating words. Reections are fairlysimple to do and usually follow this formula:

If I understand you correctly, you feel ________________________ because of

______________________ . Is that correct?

In addition to building trust through summarizing and paraphrasing, a simple, I really want us to workthrough this can put the other people at ease. Do not forget the importance of verbalizing your desire

to resolve the conict.

OwnOne great way to cleanse your soul and yet also diffuse the other person is to show 100% accountabil-ity for your behavior. In this phase of the conversation you verbalize your contributions to the conictEven if you did not do something horrible, odds are there was something that you could have done beter. When you take 100% ownership for that behavior it often leads others to do the same. Of course idoesnt work to justify why you did it or to throw in a but (i.e., Im sorry I was rude, but you were oof line too). Without any justication, take ownership and do so with passion and conviction. Do notworry if the other person will do the same. Even though they often will, the main point is that you areletting responsibility and integrity guide your conversation EVEN if they are too immature to fully own

their part of the conict.


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WantIn order to truly work through the conict you need to be able to ask the other person for what you need

or want. Verbalizing a want as a want is important. In other words, it may not necessarily be a need andmight not be something that you are necessarily entitled to receive. Entitlement often produces resistanceIf you instead show humility in your request along with a desire to hear and respond to what the otherperson wants, you will increase your chances for success at this stage.

StrategizeSo you have explored perspectives, summarized positions, owned behavior and asked for what you want. is now time to be creative and brainstorm win-win solutions. Remember to return to the true interest anddesires that you both have, asking questions like:

How can we both get what we want here?

What new approaches or ideas havent we tried yet that could satisfy us both?

How could we think of this differently to create different results?

The simplicity of this model is that whenever the conversation starts going badly you simply need to shifback to the previous stage of the model or jump back in to the Gather phase. For example, lets say thatyou are starting to tell the person what you want and they start criticizing you for the way you asked for

your wants earlier. Simply return to the Own part of the conversation and apologize for anything you genuinely feel you could have done better. Or simply jump back in the Gather phase and ask questions aboutthe other persons perspective and how they felt at the time. Then ow through the rest of the model.Most conversations can be positively resolved by following this simplistic process. However, this processrequires that you demonstrate self-control and discipline! The payoff of less relationship stress makes the

process worth the effort and discipline.

While frustration and anger are often what we show in stressful times, if there is one emotion that canstress us out the most it would be fear. In order to master ourselves and impact others we must understan

the mechanics of this core emotion.

In order to understand the psychology of fear you need to master the basic equation of:

Fear Instincts + Negative Closure = Unproductive Worry

Lets look at each piece of this equation.

Fear InstinctsMany will remember from their introductory psychology classes that we have two primal responses to feaWe either run from it or we club it (commonly called ght or ight). This comes from primitive daysand is an instinct that protected us from physical dangers. These same instincts do not serve us as well witabstract principles. How do you club a recession? How do you club a merger? How do you club unfavor-able market conditions? You cant! Therefore, clients or customers might be more likely to show a ight

Psychology of Fear and Worry


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response. If you are their nancial advisor, they may pull all of their money out of the market. If you ara retail store they may quit buying from you. When it comes to your team, they may show a ight responby going to another company or calling in sick more or simply becoming demotivated and not workingas hard. And if customers or team members dont run away, they may go to a ght response by verballyclubbing you! People will have these automatic instincts and the seasoned leader knows how to deal withese instincts.

This is especially true when dealing with the unknown. A story taken from The Top Performers Guide toSpeeches and Presentationsby Tim Ursiny, Gary DeMoss and Jim Morel demonstrates this well:

Have you ever gone on a cruise? Did you love it or hate it? For the most part I hated my cruise.For those of you who have never been on one but want to know what it is like, simply go to anall-you-can-eat buffet, have someone shake you back and forth from behind, and then sleep in the

closetyou basically have had a cruise experience. However, there is one thing that redeems a

cruise in my mind, and that is the excursions off the boat and doing interesting things in excit-

ing places. One day on our cruise heading to the Cayman Islands, my oldest son Zach brought

me a brochure that said, Frolicking Family Fun on the cover and asked me if we could do the

activity. As I opened the brochure it completed the cover by saying , Frolicking Family Fun GoSwimming with the Stingrays. Now, I didnt think that swimming with something with the wordsting in its name made great sense, but words like safe and fun were sprinkled throughoutthe brochure so I agreed to the adventure. When we arrived at Grand Cayman we boarded the

smaller boat that was taking us to the lair of the stingrays. As we started getting close, our captain

passed out the informed consent forms that we had to sign before they would allow us to participate.

This form replaced the words fun and safe from the brochure with words like death, ill-ness, injury. In fact, death was listed several times since stingrays are poisonous if you step ontheir tales. Oh, and by the way, if you die it is not their fault because you were stupid enough to

swim with poisonous animals that have sting in their name! Despite this, Zach and I signed the

forms.

At this point, the captain of our vessel issued a challenge to the group. The hardest part is get-

ting one of you in the water. Once one gets in, then the rest will follow. Who is my leader in this

group? Who is the brave person who will get in rst? My son Zach immediately raised his hand.As a parent my chest inated and I looked around at the other dads thinking, Yep, thats right,thats my boy. Then Zach did something I did not expect; he said, My dad will do it! My pridequickly turned to other emotions less positive, but I had no choice but to accept the challenge.

As I looked at the scary twenty or thirty stingrays swimming around the boat I had a choice; Icould back down or dive in. I chose to dive in (although very carefully). After getting in the water I

turned to Zach to signal him to get in. His method of diving in was to jump on my back and wraphis entire body around mine. As the stingrays surrounded us he screamed in my ear every time one

touched him. But true to the captains prediction everyone else started getting in and everyone was

yelling and screaming. It was pure chaos. The scream fest lasted for several minutes. We were all

out of our comfort zones and did not feel safe. However, an interesting thing happened after a few

minutes: people started enjoying themselves. Eventually, we all actually did have frolicking familyfun swimming with the stingrays. The point of my story is that our fear came from the unknown.

We had never gone swimming with stingrays and our minds lled in the unknown with dangergreater than we were going to experience.


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This happens to most of us during tough times. If your group is going through a merger they often willexpect the worst. If you are not getting your sales numbers people often exaggerate the future dangers. Ifyou have bad media coverage and lots of upset clients then your team will often want to hide from those

ringing phones because they dont know what the conversation will be like. This tendency is related tosomething called negative closure.

Negative ClosureHuman beings have a natural tendency to ll in the gap. This is the psychological principle of closure.Since the future is ambiguous there are lots of lines to ll in. During an era of negative news, foreclosuresrising gas prices and nancial uncertainties, many clients naturally ll in the lines with the worst case sce-narios. This can be very demoralizing.

Since we dont know what the future really holds it does not serve us to think negatively about it. In fact,negative closure could actually help create the negative results because we will not be looking for positiveopportunities. Unfortunately, negative closure in ambiguous times is the natural response. It is our way oftrying to protect ourselves. Sadly, many people get stuck on those negative thoughts. Top performers, in

contrast, are aware of and prepare for potential negative results while focusing on and believing in positivoutcomes. Lower performers combine primitive instincts of ght or ight with negative closure and enup with unproductive worry.

= Unproductive WorryNot all worry is bad. Productive worry:

alerts us to real dangers and solutions.focuses on things we can control.has a realistic view of now and the future.

helps us know when to pull back and when to move ahead.

Everyone should spend time in productive worry. In contrast, unproductive worry:

generates no clear course of action. focuses on unlikely events. catastrophizes the future. erodes condence and wastes time.

impacts sleep and energy. distorts by overestimating the threat and engaging in extensive what-if thinking.

The person who engages in unproductive worry hurts his or her performance and does not lead well durinchallenging times. Team or family members who engage in unproductive worry make emotional decisionsand often cause extensive grief for others. Also, if these same people do not know how to deal with theirown worry, how in the world can they walk customers, clients or friends through their fear?

So lets go through some drills to form some insight into your personal reactions to fear and stress.


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Worry area #2

I get highly frustrated with people who worry.

I use a systematic approach to deal with others fears and anger.

I procrastinate calling angry people.

I have difculty shaking off people criticizing me.

I increase my communication and productivity efforts in challenging markets.

I seek out reassurance from clients/customers or my family during difcult times.

I am very comfortable with emotional discussions with others.

Worry Area #2

Add up all of the numbers that have a + in front of them and put the total here: ________

Add up all of the numbers that have a in front of them and put the total here: ________

Subtract the negative numbers from the positive numbers and put the result here: ________

So what does this all mean? Well, Worry area #1 is related to your internal reactions to worry.

The scoring key for Worry Area #1 is as follows:-12 to -17 = You have a strong tendency to worry.-11 to -6 = You struggle some with worry.-5 to +5 = You are average in your worry tendencies.

+6 to +9 = You have excellent coping mechanisms.+10 to +11 = You might not worry enough! A little worry moves us to action.

+1 +2 +3 +4 +5Never Rarely Sometimes Most times Always

1 2 3 4 5Rarely Sometimes Often Most times Always

+1 +2 +3 +4 +5Never Rarely Sometimes Most times Always


+1 +2 +3 +4 +5

Never Rarely Sometimes Most times Always


1 2 3 4 5

Rarely Sometimes Often Most times Always


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Worry area #2 is more focused on your reactions to others in stressful times. The scoring key for thatarea is slightly different:

-12 to -17 = You have a strong tendency to react poorly during stress.-11 to -6 = You struggle some with stress and could improve how you react.-5 to +5 = You are average in your reaction to difcult times.+6 to +9 = You have excellent coping mechanisms and habits.

+10 to +11 = You have either mastered stress or you might benet fromunderstanding the stress of others more.

Of course there are weaknesses with any self assessment tools, but hopefully this assessment gives you

some ideas of potential areas for improvement. Remember, you need to deal with your own worry andreactions before you can successfully help others.

Drill#2: Chapter Application

Review the chapter. What principle or insight stands out to you the most? Use the space below to writdown how you can utilize this insight:

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Archie doesnt know how to worry without getting upset.Edith Bunker

When I look back on all these worries I remember the story of the old man who said on

his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened.

Winston Churchill

Additional resources from Advantage Coaching & Training include:

The Coping & Stress Prolefrom Inscape PublishingThis prole examines your current level of stress, your personal coping resources, andsatisfaction in four life areas. It then guides you to develop effective coping strategies. Iis also available in an on-line version.

The Inspiration

The Resources


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The Top Performers Guide to Changeby Tim Ursiny, Ph.D. & Barbara A. Kay, M.A. ThiTop Performers Guide inspires results, giving you the tools you need to managechange and come out on top.

The Top Performers Guide to Conictby Tim Ursiny, Ph.D. & Dave Bolz. Top perform-ers face conict head-on and come out on top. You are just a short read away frommastering this essential skill.

For more information please call us at 630-293-0210 or email us at [email protected] see our website at www.advantagecoaching.com.


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Section II:

De-Stressing Tactics

In this section, we focus on four ways to eliminate stress from your life.These are:

Three Physical Activities

Exercise Progressive Muscle Relaxation Venting

Seven Energetic Approaches

Brush Technique Drop-Off Points

Protecting Yourself from Negative People

Venting Letters Talking to Others Journaling Worry Chair

Two Mental Techniques

Taking the what if all the way... TruthTalk

Three Spiritual Approaches

Prayer Meditation Forgiveness


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De-Stressing Tactics

The Story

The Stuff

I (Tim) recently visited the Czech Republic and spent time in a spa town in order to rest and recharge.

Following the recommendation of my travel guide, I decided to go to a peat moss spa. Well, I ar-

rived and the people there spoke very little English and my Czech consisted of good day, yes, no,

please and thank you so we had some trouble communicating. They pointed to a room and signale

me to wait there. Within 15 minutes someone came and called my name. They then took me to room

number 5 and left without saying a word. Well, room number 5 consisted of a hook on the wall, a mas

sage table and a bathtub with all sorts of pipes and handles in and around it. Not knowing what to do,

I just stood there and waited. Eventually a nurse came in and started yelling at me! I tried to tell her

that I had no clue what she was saying, but she just yelled louder. Finally I gured out that she wanted

me to take off my clothes. I just looked at her and said, Right here? Right now? In front of you? butshe kept insisting. So I stripped down and quickly jumped in the tub (which her wildly gesturing arms

seemed to suggest was the appropriate behavior). She then turned on this contraption and smelly, black

peat moss full of dirt and twigs started lling my tub. She lled it up, pushed my body down into it all

the way, set a timer and then left. After twenty minutes the timer went off, and once again I did not

know what I was supposed to do, so I just sat there. Eventually she came back in yelling and gesturing

for me to stand and then started vigorously spraying me off with a hose. I grabbed a towel that was

next to the tub and she started yelling neh, which was fortunately one of the ve Czech words I kne

Neh means no so obviously I was not supposed to dry myself off. She motioned to the massage

table and had me lay face down on the table. She then quickly wrapped me up in a sheet like a pig in a

blanket and told me to wait. After about ve claustrophobic minutes I heard a noise and turned my heand there is a guy in his late 70s taking off his clothes. My only thought was, Please dont let this be th

massage therapist! It turns out he was just the next peat moss victim as the massage therapist (a burly

man with a Czech name) came in and said in clear English, Massage now! Hurry! As we raced down

the hall, him in this white massage uniform and me in my hastily draped sheet, I was wondering if goin

to this spa was such a good idea. When we got to the room, he grabbed my sheet off of me and put it

on the table. He then proceeded to beat my body into submission (with not so much as a washcloth to

cover me) in what can only be compared to how a car must feel going through an automatic car wash.

After about 15 minutes of pounding, he announced that we were done and I went back and got dresse

As I walked out, my nurse was hysterically laughing with another employee as she waved goodbye to

me. I went back to my hotel room and took a two-hour nap to recover from the ordeal. So what is the

morale of the story? If you are going to de-stress, make sure you do it right.

We cant control things in the world that have the potential to cause us stress, however we can controlhow much we let them impact us! In this section we are going to discuss several de-stressing categoriesincluding physical activities, energetic approaches, mental techniques and spiritual centeredness.


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ExercisePhysical exercise is one of your best ways to release stress. It changes your body chemistry,helps you create more energy and just makes you feel good about yourself. It is also effective to

add a mental component of imagining that you are releasing tension, anger, stress or whateveryou need to release while you are working out. This doubles the stress busting benets of theworkout. While imagining that you are releasing negative emotions wont impact the amount ofweight you will lose off of your body, it will release some of the weight you are carrying around

on your shoulders!

Progressive Muscle RelaxationThis relaxation technique has been around for decades and is very effective for those of us whocarry around tension in our bodies. Introduced by Dr. Edmund Jacobson, it was shown to beeffective in decreasing tension before patients went into surgery. The basic technique involvestensing and relaxing multiple muscle groups in order to teach your body to quickly recognize anrelease tension rather than carry it around all day. You can use the technique in the sitting posi-tion or by lying on the oor. It is best to work one-on-one with a coach or buy a CD that walksyou through this, but we will describe one version of the basic process here:

o You tense each muscle for less than 10 seconds and then release the tension. o As you tense and relax you are studying how each feels. o You do this for each muscle group twice. o When you tense, you do it at only 60 70% of how much you could tense (w

dont want you going into knots) You also need to be very cautious around

any areas where you have an injury. o When you release, you release the tension immediately rather than gradually. o You take yourself through the following muscle groups:

Hands (make sts) Biceps Shoulders Face Chest (by breathing in deeply and holding your breath) Stomach Buttocks Thighs

Calve muscles Feet

oYou can meditate on a single word like calm or peace while you do this. oThe entire process should take about 20 30 minutes the rst time. oAs with any physical technique, you may want to check with your physician to

make sure you can do it.

If you practice this on a regular basis then you will start automatically catching yourself whenyour body is tensing and then be able to immediately relax. Also with practice, you can cut the

time necessary to release the tension to minutes rather than a half hour.

Three Physical Activities


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VentingSometimes you just need to punch something! Over a decade ago I had a punching bag in mybasement and when I was feeling stressed or angry I would go down and beat the stufng out

of that thing (with ofcial gloves so I did not hurt myself). After awhile I didnt need it and ithas been in storage for a long time. Venting techniques allow us to release the physical negativity.There are a few factors that will make venting very effective:

1. Allow yourself to be really primal. Dont hold back (except if it would hurtyou physically).

2. Do not vent on anyone else.3. Do not imagine that you are hitting anyone (if you choose to vent on a

punching bag).4. As you are expending the energy mentally imagine that you are releasing the

negativity by simply thinking something like, I refuse to hold this in I amletting this go!

5. Do it until you are done.

Venting in this way hurts no one! So there is no guilt. There is no bitterness.And there are no repercussions.

In addition to physical techniques, we also can utilize some strategies that may seem a littleweirder because they are based on symbolism, energy and emotion.

Seven Energetic Approaches

Some of the de-stressing techniques could certainly fall under several of our categories. We havtried to pick techniques for this section that emotionally-built people tend to gravitate to morefrequently.

Brush TechniqueI used the brush technique when I was a therapist in private practice. At one point, I specialized

in aggressive men (many of whom were forced to therapy through the threat of divorce). Someof them would spew negativity on me for a majority of their session and I had the tendency tointernalize this and go home in a bad mood. A silly, but effective technique for me was the brustechnique. After the angry men left I would simply brush off my body with my hands. This wassymbolic act of refusing to let their negative energy cling to me. Yes, it is silly. It is also very effetive. We dont fully understand the science of energy, but if 30 seconds of brushing helps me gohome a happier person, then I will do it every time I need to!

Drop-Off PointsAnother symbolic technique to use if you have had a stressful day is to designate a drop-off poi

for all of your challenges. If you are someone who commutes to and from work and does notwant to take your problems home, then you simply need to do the following:


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Pick a spot about half way home. During the rst half of your commute, you can allow yourself to ponder or

process the challenges you are facing at work. Once you hit your drop-off point then you imagine wrapping all of those issue

up in a bag and you toss them out the window at your spot. During the rest of your commute, you spend thinking about your blessings and

how you want to be when you get home.

Get home and have a great evening. Pick up your bag (mentally) on the next day you commute back to work.

Again, we know this sounds a little different. That said, if you are a creative type, have a goodimagination or are open to trying things, it can be very effective.

Protecting Yourself From Negative PeopleHave you ever walked into a room of negative people and just felt it? We do an exercise in frontof groups where we show that just by holding hands with a negative person that your physical

strength drops dramatically. Who are you allowing into your world that drains you? Build boundaries around that relationship and surround yourself with people who motivate, inspire and feed yoenergy vs. those who act as the Count Dracula of this life source.

Venting LettersVenting letters have much in common with the punching bag technique, but involve words. Withventing letters, you allow yourself to use any language and you absolutely blast the person withwhom you are upset. You let it out and you let it out very directly without worrying about gramm

or clarity. It is a technique that allows you to release the emotion without hurting anyone, becauseafter you are done, you simply read the letter aloud and then tear it up, shred it or burn it as a symbolic act of releasing the anger.

For months, I had nightmares about a previous boss who I thought treated me horribly while Itried to treat him with respect. A friend of mine suggested that I write a venting letter to him. Asjoke, I wrote 10 pages that simply said, You suck! I wrote it big, I wrote it small, I wrote it in reI wrote it in black, I wrote it with pressure, Iwell you get the idea. I gave it to my friend to readand I got my expected response with her laughter. The funny thing? I never have been bothered

about that relationship since that time and he has never visited me in my dreams since that funkyletter. We also made amends later which was easier to do because I had no bitterness about thepast.

You can use this technique with someone who has upset you and is still living or even with some-one who has passed away. Or if you are upset with life you can even use this technique to writeletters to God. Some religious people resist this and we just refer them to the Psalms in the Biblewhich are full of venting letters to God. The goal is to release the bitterness and not allow it to liv

within you.

Just make sure you do this in physical writing and not on an email. One client did not heed thiswarning and accidentally sent his boss a really foul letter. Needless to say, the result was not pretty


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Talking to OthersSometimes it helps just to share your fears or stress with another human being who cares. Just maksure you are venting instead of being negative. The difference between the two comes in intent anin duration. The person who vents talks about issues for a certain length of time with the intent torelease the emotions and move on to other things. The negative person can talk about the bad stufforever and has the intent of recycling the pain and sometimes bringing others into the same nega

tive space. So make sure you tell your friends you are venting and talk in order to let it go!

JournalingMany people benet from journaling their feelings. A journal is basically a diary in which you ex-

plore what is going on in your life and how you feel about it. You can also add a great component What am I learning form this? or How am I growing from this experience? Just make sure youprotect your journal from prying eyes.

Worry ChairOne common conditioning technique used by counselors is the worry chair strategy. It is especiallyuseful for those who have troubles falling asleep because they are ruminating about their day. Youcan use it at home or work, but we will use the example of someone with insomnia to demonstratethe process.

Step 1: Set up a specic chair in your house that is designated as the worry chair.

Step 2: If you are worrying about things and unable to sleep for more than 10 minutes,then get out of your bed and go sit in the worry chair.

Step 3: Allow yourself to worry all you want when you are in the chair. Take each worryto its conclusion before you move to the next worry.

Step 4: Stay there as long as you need to (until you are done worrying).

Step 5: Return to bed.

Step 6: If you start worrying again then go to your chair and repeat the process. Do notallow yourself to worry in any other spot in the house (or ofce if you do the process ther

Step 7 (optional)

: You can add journaling to your worry time if that is helpful for you.

While this technique may be strange, it is a method for you to condition your worry to that chairinstead of your bed, ofce chair or anywhere else. It puts you in control of the worry rather thanhaving the worry control you.

The worry chair is emotional in nature. It also shares much in common with the mental techniquesthat we turn our attention to now.


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Taking the What If All the Way...What if I lose my job? What if the market falls? What if this relationship doesnt work out?We can drive ourselves crazy by thinking about all of the what ifs in life. If you can keep yourselfrom going there then that is great, but many people cant stop that process. For these individuals

we encourage them to take the what if all the way! What if I lose my job? O.K., what if youlose your job? What would you do? How would you cope? How would you go about the job searchWho would you turn to for help? With this technique you keep asking and answering those ques-tions until you have a plan. By taking it all of the way and answering your own questions you havemoved the situation from ambiguity to strategy. We feel much better when we have a plan for han-dling the worst case scenario than when we just ask the what if question and never fully answer

TruthTalkRational-Emotive Behavior Therapy is a form of therapy that addresses and helps replace self-de-

feating thoughts. Research has shown that changing these beliefs can lead to greater success, emo-tional stability and happiness. TruthTalk, is based on this technique and focuses on the demotiva

ing things we can say to ourselves in the workplace.

During difcult times, we often form perceptions that impact our condence and create a great deof insecurity. Some common beliefs that can hold you back from your best condent self are:

--There is nothing I can do.-- All of our customers are upset right now.-- I am sure that more bad news is coming.-- Failure is terrible.

-- I cant deal with this.

These are not statements of fact. These are perceptions or beliefs that we form out of insecurity.These thoughts interfere with our focus and suck out the energy we need to maximize performancin difcult markets and conditions. Parallels to these thoughts that are more truthful and more conducive to high condence are:

--Most challenges also bring opportunities and it serves me better to look for those

-- This is a chance to really help our customers during a difcult time.-- I am going to prepare for whatever the future holds.-- Failure is part of living and I can learn from every mistake.-- Through focus and tenacity I can tackle the current challenges.

With practice you can eliminate insecure thoughts and replace them with a mindset and attitude thwill take you to your next level of condence. TruthTalk helps you do this in a structured man-ner that quickly helps you master your thoughts. On the following page is the process, as well as anexample from a client with whom I was coaching who I challenged to move from a reactive to a

proactive stance during tough times:

Two Mental Techniques


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ExampleStep

Step 1: Write down the facts aboutthe situation. Do not recordyour interpretation of thefacts, but just the truthful data.

My coach challenged me to prospect during a time where

I am busy putting out res.

Step 2: Write down what you felt fromthe event

I felt helpless.

Step 3: Taking full responsibility foryour emotions, record what youare saying to yourself to makeyou feel what you felt in step 2.(In this step you fully acceptthat only YOU can upset you.

No one and nothing else hasthat power unless you allow it).

Im doing the best I can. It is impossible to move to

offense during this time.

Step 4: If the perception in step 3does not serve you then createa more truthful, realistic or

helpful thought that would buildyour condence and move youto positive action.

Everyone is just putting out res right now. This is

a perfect time to prospect because most people are not

doing it. Clients are being ignored and that always

creates opportunities!

You will need to repeat your new thought over and over until you believe it and are moved to actio

Individuals who use mental strategies to build condence and look for opportunities will nd thosopportunities that others will miss during this time.

Lets do an example that may t for those of you who are managers.

ExampleStep

Step 1: What happened?One of your top sales professionals is very upset about a

change in compensation procedures.

Step 2: How might you feel? Afraid.

Step 3: What thought would causeyou to feel fear?

This is the last straw. Dave is going to leave and go

to the competition!

Step 4: What would be a betterthought to have in your head

when you go to talk withDave?

Of course he is upset and there is nothing wrong withthat. I want to use this as an opportunity to coach himthrough this and even solidify our relationship. Im going

to tackle this head on!

TruthTalk Example #1

TruthTalk Example #2


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While there are no guarantees to Daves reaction, your new thought would help you address the issuwith less dread, greater condence and more positive energy. That, in turn, would increase your oddfor a more positive result.

In addition to mental techniques, we can also de-stress by increasing our spiritual centeredness.

Three Spiritual Approaches

PrayerYour authors have always found prayer to be of great comfort in tough times. Prayer can be used tomake requests, worship God (which gets us out of our own stuff), give thanks for our many bless-ings, focus on others or to ask for strength to handle adversity. People with powerful prayer lives oftreport many benets from this sacred activity.

I (Carole) recently had a baby boy named Charlie and although he is perfect and healthy today, the

journey to deliver him was very stressful. I was 31 weeks pregnant and my water broke. I was putin the hospital on bed rest and told I could not leave until I had my baby. His lungs were not fullydeveloped and leaving the bed, let alone the hospital, would put us both in danger. In fact, they couldnot make any guarantees that he would be O.K. even if I stayed bed ridden. Now, it would have beenmuch better for me if they gave me something to DO to help his chances, but dont tell me NOT todo anything! This does not t my personality whatsoever. I am a person who likes to stay on the moand accomplish things. To make me sit in a bed for weeks is pure torture. However, this was abouttaking care of someone who could not protect himself and so, despite my tendencies, I had to focuson doing the right thing. While difcult, I obeyed doctors orders and stayed bedridden. As the day

crawled by, I tried to focus on what I could learn from this time about patience and peace and havinhope despite the dangers of the situation. Prayer was also a critical part of my journey. I prayed forstrength and for the health of my baby and asked all of my friends and family to do the same.

My journey ended within two weeks and I had my beautiful baby boy, who continues to develop weland brings such joy to my life. The point is that we can learn, grow and handle anything that comesour way if we choose to do so and that tapping into a source more powerful than ourselves can beextremely comforting and impactful.

MeditationMeditation can also be used to de-stress. While there are many forms of meditation, almost all showgreat health and stress benets. You can empty yourself during meditation (thinking of nothing) oyou can focus on a single concept or feeling like love or strength.


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ForgivenessWe dont talk about forgiveness much in a business setting, but if you have been hurt by acompany or a person, forgiveness can be an essential part of releasing stress. When we refuseto forgive others, then we carry the hurt around with us. This hurt shows up as anger and bit-terness and is poison for our souls. Sadly, many times the person we are hurting the most bycarrying around these feelings is ourselves!

At times we have clients who get stuck in anger and keep repeating stories about how someonehurt them. While we are rm believers that hurt people need to vent, we dont think we do ourclients a service by encouraging them to replay the hurts over and over. So at these times wewill introduce the concept of forgiveness to them. A common response is, He doesnt deservemy forgiveness. When this happens, we simply respond, You can only give forgiveness whenthey dont deserve it. You see, if they deserve it, then you are being unfair to them (and needto ask for their forgiveness). Forgiveness is what you give when they dont deserve it, but youlet go of the hurt and need for vengeance anyway. Forgiving others frees us from emotionalchains. It doesnt make what they did O.K., but it just might make you O.K.

One side note on forgiveness is that sometimes the hurt is intentional and sometimes it is un-intentional. One woman told me the story of her missionary friend who was down in Mexicoand talking to a local family about going to dinner. The missionary didnt know much Spanish,but wanted to communicate to the father that he wanted to drive him and his two daughters tothe restaurant. He only knew a little Spanish and he tried to say, I would very much like to takeyou and your daughters. Unfortunately, he messed up on one word. The Spanish word for takeis tomar. The missionary used the word tocar which means to touch. Thus, what he said

was, I would very much like to touch you and your daughters. Needless to say, the Spanishfather was taken a little aback at his comment. Fortunately, he realized it was unintentional andthey were able to have a nice dinner!


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Drill #1: TruthTalkThink about something you are stressing yourself out about and use the blank TruthTalk form

below to transform your thinking.

The Drills

Step Your example

Step 1: Write only the facts aboutthe event here (nointerpretations).

Step 2: Write down how you felt.

Step 3: Write down the perceptionthat made you feel that way.

What were you saying to yourself that caused the emotion?

Step 4: What would have been amore truthful, realistic orhelpful perception to haveat the time?


Review the chapter and pick an additional technique to help you de-stress. Write your goal with this tech

nique below. Also, write down when and how you plan to use the tactic.

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________


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I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I

had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufcient

for that day.

Abraham Lincoln

But those who trust in the Lord will nd new strength. They will soar high on wings

like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31 NLT

The Inspiration

The Resources


One-on-one coachingACT coaches are available to work with you in-person or over the phone to help yodevelop a personalized de-stressing plan. If you have not worked with us before,contact us for a complimentary 30 minute coaching session (on any topic of your

choosing). Please note that this session will not be used to sell you on coaching. Wesimply want you to experience the coaching for yourself and trust you can decide ihiring a coach is right for you. Also, these sessions will be provided on a rst comerst serve basis only.

You can nd more on TruthTalk in The Cowards Guide to Conict: Empowering Solu-tions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fightby Tim Ursiny, Ph.D. In this book,

you will learn how to deal with conict with skill and condence. You will also learnhow to avoid the top 10 mistakes made when dealing with upset people.

For more information please call us at 630-293-0210 or email us at [email protected]

or see our website at www.advantagecoaching.com.


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Section III:

Recharging Techniques

This section is about renewal! Here you will nd three main categories of re-charging yourself that include:

Four Ways to Pamper Yourself

Spa

Music Sleep Relaxation CDs

Three Activity Techniques

Hobbies Regular Breaks

Nature

Five Paths to Building Condence

Afrmations and Attitude Choices Media Input--Laughter Do It Surround Yourself With the Right People Altruism


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Recharging Techniques

The StoryI was traveling from Dallas to Atlanta one summer and as we left the gate and started heading out, thepilot shut down the plane. This, of course, is never a good sign.

He got on the loudspeaker and announced that there was bad weather in Atlanta and we were likely go-ing to be grounded for some time. Passengers started grumbling because the plane was extremely hotwith hot air blowing through our vents. Several passengers asked if we could be taken back to the gate,but we were informed that if we returned to the gate the ight crew would now be over their hours andour ight would be cancelled. So we had to wait in the hot Dallas sun until Atlanta said we could go.Well, one hour passed, then two, then three and they nally announced, Shut down your phones and

your laptops. We have to go NOW or we will miss our window. I obediently shut down my laptop, butafter 15 minutes we were still not moving. At this time I heard a ight attendant yelling at a passenger

to turn off his cell phone. I looked, and there was this man about six rows behind me who was refusingto get off his phone. The ight attendant yelled, Sir, you are holding up 130 people. Get off your cellphone! After a few seconds, he closed his phone and the ight attendant started down the aisle. At thipoint the passenger next to this yahoo yelled, Hes making another call! In a blur, the ight attendantran down the aisle grabbed his cell phone out of his hand and started walking away.

The passenger jumped out of his seat and aggressively grabbed the ight attendant and yanked back hiphone. So we now just went from someone being annoying to a possible federal offense. So the crew algot together and were trying to make a decision. Do we go back to the gate and have him arrested here

or do we y with this guy to Atlanta and have him arrested there? After multiple conversations, theywalked around and got eight of the biggest guys they could nd on the plane and surrounded the pas-senger with these big guys. Then they immediately took off.

Well, the passenger continued to be annoying and was whining, Theyre being rude to me, and thingslike that (like any of us cared at this point). However, it was annoying, so I walked back to the ight at-tendant station and introduced myself. I said, Hi, my name is Dr. Tim Ursiny and I have written severbooks on conict. Would you like me to sit next to that passenger and diffuse the situation? The ight

attendant looked at me for a few seconds, sized me up and said, No thanks, we got the big guys! Wellwith wounded ego, I sat back down and listened as this passenger hit his call button repeatedly for the

rest of the trip.

When we got to Atlanta, he was arrested and I went to one of the big guys and asked if the passengewas drunk or on drugs or what. He replied, I dont think so, I think he was just mad about the threehours in the heat. He said he was going to get that plane to go back to the gate no matter what. So whis the moral of the story? Sometimes it is better to chill and recharge than react to the world around yo


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The Stuff

In this section we are going to look at three main categories of recharging yourself:

Pampering yourself

Activity techniques Building condence

SpaThere is a time to work and there is a time to recharge. Whether you enjoy taking a bath surroundedby scented candles or heading to a full service spa in Napa, California, it serves you well to occa-sionally pamper yourself. Massage has especially been proven to be a highly effective technique forrecharging (not counting stressful peat moss experiences).

MusicWhat kind of music do you listen to when you need to recharge the batteries? Some recharge withclassical while others prefer rock or another form. Whichever it is, start using it more. I have a sixCD changer in my car and I listen to music very strategically to impact my mood. Before a sales situ

ation I listen to high energy music full of hope and positive emotions. To release stress, I like classical pieces that soothe and focus me. Music can hit those primal areas of our brain that words cantalways reach. So make a list of recharging music.

SleepAmericans in general do not get enough sleep and it shows up in our frustration tolerance and attention span. I know very few professionals who get 7 or 8 hours of sleep per night despite what all ofthe research says about the great benet of sleep. Sometimes something can seem so big and un-manageable and a night of rest can put it in perspective. So consider pampering yourself by gettingenough rest.

Relaxation Cds: Recharging While You SleepI was recently with a group of highly stressed managers from the nancial services industry and Iasked how many of them listened to relaxation CDs. Out of about 800 participants I had about 10people who used this technique. This does not make any sense to me! Relaxation or hypnosis CDswork while you sleep! Basically, you can use these resources during stressful times to help you get tosleep and also to feed messages into your subconscious while you sleep that will help you wake uprefreshed and recharged in the morning. Of course, it is very important what messages you send toyour subconscious, but as long as you trust the message then this is a technique that is inexpensive,takes no effort and utilizes no additional time. It is short-sighted not to tap into something like this

Four Ways To Pamper Yourself


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Some have mentioned that the term hypnosis is what turns them off. They have visions ofpeople on stage barking like dogs. Because hypnosis is commonly misunderstood, we are going take a little time here to explain the principles.

The History Of Hypnosis

Hypnosis has been used across time and cultures since ancient Egypt and Greece. In fact, it isabout 6,000 years old. However, in the late 1700s a Viennese doctor named Franz Anton Mes-mer created the forerunner of our modern hypnosis. One of his students, Armand de Puyseguradvanced the work by discovering the power of words when someone was hypnotized. He foun

that people could be operated on in deep hypnosis without experiencing pain.

The interest in hypnosis continued over the years, but really started coming to fruition in the 20tcentury. For example, after World War II, psychiatrists realized that soldiers suffering psychologcal traumas experienced rapid cures from the use of hypnosis. In 1955, hypnosis was ofciallyapproved as a tool in medicine by the British Medical Association. Today we know that hypnosiis extremely effective for a variety of challenges and is compelling because it is non-intrusive an

taps into your own mental power. Despite the fact that the research about the effectiveness ofhypnosis is well documented, there are still some common misconceptions about its use. Wed

like to cover a few of those with you.

Misconception #1: i cantbehypnotized

Have you ever heard anyone claim that they cant be hypnotized? These individuals dont realizethat hypnosis is a natural state that we all move in and out of every day. Many of our daily rou-tines are performed in a hypnotic state. For example, have you ever driven home without realizieverything that is going on around you? You may be very aware of important things going onaround you, but most of us are oblivious (especially if we have been driving on a long trip) to u

important things. You may choose to look out the window and notice the natural beauty aroundyou or the color of the houses, but you might also drive right past them and be completely un-aware of your surroundings. That is a light hypnotic state.

Or have you ever been captivated by a good book and then completely shocked when you look the clock and see how long you have been reading? Again, time passes without your knowledgein this mild state of hypnosis. If your phone were to ring, you could answer it and be completelawake and aware, but you are in a mild trance until that moment. You may not realize you are intrance, but you are. So, hypnosis is no different than driving a car or being enthralled with a goobook. When you do these things, you are in the light hypnotic trance we call Alpha. In Alpha,your mind is slowed down just a little, your focus is narrow, your breathing is slow, and you are r

laxed. Since everyone goes through this in some form, we know that everyone can be hypnotize

Misconception #2: i havetogointoadeeptranceandnotbeawareof

whatisgoingontobenefitfroMhypnosis

Some people think that you have to go into a deep trance in order to be hypnotized. The fact isthat we also have learned that people are 200 times more suggestible in the light hypnotic state oAlpha than when they are fully awake. So to get the benets of strategic hypnosis, you dont hav


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to go into some deep trance that you wont remember. In fact, you may be fully aware of every-thing I am saying on a CD and that is completely O.K. It doesnt mean that you werent hypno-tized. You can be in hypnosis and still remember everything that happened in the session.

Misconception #3: if i fallasleep i willlosethevalueofthehypnosis

Now on the other hand, some people worry about falling asleep while listening to their CD. Actu-ally many CDs are designed to help you fall asleep. Research groups have found that even whenour eyes are closed, our hearing acts like a surveillance camera. Our eyes close, but our ears cant.

Many parents can testify to this because they can be asleep, but wake up immediately when a babycries. We are never fully asleep. A part of our brain is awake and our ears are scanning our envi-ronment. It protects us and our offspring and is on constantly. Therefore, even if you fall asleep,your ears will be awake and your subconscious mind will be taking in all of the necessary informa-tion.

Misconception #4: intelligentpeoplearehardtohypnotize

Another common piece of misinformation is that intelligent people are harder to hypnotize. Theexact opposite is true. Intelligent people are actually more easily hypnotized. The smarter you arethe more naturally close you are to a hypnotic state of Alpha. Therefore you enter hypnosis easily.

This is why intelligent people are able to transfer information from their subconscious mind totheir waking life and invent creative solutions to challenges.

So, to review:

Everyone can be hypnotized.

You may be aware of everything said on a hypnosis CD.If you fall asleep, it will still be ne.

Highly intelligent people actually are easier to hypnotize.

The bottom line is that you are in control. As long as you agree with the content of the CD and it

is not against any of your moral or religious beliefs, we see only benet in utilizing this technique.In fact, we believe in it so much that we have created relaxation CDs specically for top perform-ers who want to relax and wake up recharged. We will talk more about these when we shareadditional resources.


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Three Activity Techniques

HobbiesPeople love their hobbies and these activities can be very recharging. Here is a sample list of some

hobbies our clients are involved in:

Gardening Skeet shooting Stamp collecting Magnifying glass collecting Scrapbooking Dolls Comics

Cooking Drawing Theatre Knitting Golf Fishing Etc.

The list goes on and on. How much time have you been spending in your hobby?

Regular BreaksMany hard-driving individuals get busier under stress. They quit taking breaks, start eating lunch at

their desks and try to solve the problem by working harder. In the short-term this can be effectiveIn the long-term it will destroy your effectiveness.

Small breaks in your day have been shown to recharge your batteries. When you feel stressed, getup from your desk and walk around the ofce building (weather permitting). This acts to clear

your head and allows you to come back and tackle complex tasks with greater energy.

NatureThere is just something about getting out in nature that refreshes the spirit. Experiencing thesights, sounds and smells of the planet grounds us. It reminds us that there is something biggerthan us. In our chaotic information/technological world, a trip to the ocean or woods or evensimply to a park allows us to breathe in energy as we experience a world away from computers,cars and cell phones.


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We always call condence the fuel for success. In my book, The Condence Plan, I explore a 6week plan covering ve paths for taking your condence to the next level. These ve paths ar

MentalEmotional

Behavioral

Relational

Spiritual

In this guide we will present one technique for each path.

Mental: Afrmations And Attitude ChoicesWhenever I travel overseas I like to spend my rst day walking around. So when I arrived inLondon several years ago, I quickly unpacked and then started my walk about. London was

beautiful. The sun was shining, the architecture was amazing and I just loved hearing their ac-cent. As I was enjoying my lovely walk a gypsy woman ran up to me and grabbed both of mhands. She then proceeded to tell me my fortune. After about ten minutes of telling me howfamous, wealthy and loved I was going to be, she boldly asked for the tip. I gave her what Ithought was a generous tip and went on my way feeling positive about the interaction.

About 15 minutes later I looked down at my watch to see what time it was and noticed that mwedding ring was missing! My rst reaction was simply being stunned. My second reaction wa

outrage. How dare she steal my ring? I thought to myself. I mean, I gave her a nice tip andshe still stole my ring! All of the sudden my entire mood changed. As I looked around, Londowas dark, wasnt anything different from New York except it had a few extra churches, and Ihated that accent. The irony of the situation was that I was visiting London to nish a book Iwas writing called The Top Performers Guide to Attitude. The basic premise of the book is that yocan choose your attitude in any situation. So after my initial negative reaction I simply said tomyself that she probably needed the money to get by and that I could easily afford a new ringI also gured that my wife would forgive me, so everything would be O.K. I was then able tonish my walk enjoying the beautiful city.

Then I returned to my Bed and Breakfast and went to wash my hands. There on the sink coun

ter wasyou guessed it; my wedding ring. The entire crime had been in my mind. Sadly, wedo this very often. We can cause a lot of self-inicted pain with negative attitudes and beliefs.We can also, with the right attitudes, create amazing possibilities and relationships, and live avery satisfying and signicant life.

In my bookThe Top Performers Guide to AttitudeI discuss 21 different attitude choices that we

can make every day. I hope that you take the time to read the book and study all of thesechoices. For this manual we will simply focus on three of these choices:

Five Paths for Building Condence


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Ownership not victimhood

Gratitude not entitlement Opportunities not problems

Ownership, Not VictimhoodIf I could change anything from my work as a therapist over a decade ago, I would change theamount of time I encouraged people to talk about past hurts. Now, dont get me wrong, it isgood to vent harms from the past. That said, there is a lot of danger in recycling our hurts.When we obsess over the past we can subconsciously develop the identity of a victim. Well, whathappens to victims? They get victimized! By adopting an identity of victimhood we can subcon-sciously attract harm. Have you ever met someone like this? No matter what goes on in their life,they seem to always get hurt emotionally.

Again, this does not mean that people dont get victimized at times. They do! However, they

do not need to choose the identity of a victim. Instead, they can focus on the things in theirlife over which they do have control and take 100% ownership in these areas. Even people inconcentration camps in World War II at times chose to give away their last piece of bread ratherthan horde it. They refused to let their captors change their identity!

When we take full ownership over our lives and our emotions we thrive. When we choose vic-timhood, we slowly erode our condence and our joy. You have probably met people in your

workforce over the years who love to spend time blaming the company, the clients, or you fortheir performance. These are people stuck in victim thinking. Now, this does not necessarilymean that they dont have some real and valid concerns. What it means is that they would rather

blame than problem-solve. Top performers, on the other hand, focus on ownership and evenif their part is only 5% of the issue, they focus on that part and control it 100%. When we takeownership, we are more likely to nd peace, happiness and results in tough times.

A second attitude choice we can make in difcult times is gratitude vs. entitlement.

Gratitude Not EntitlementEntitlement is ugly and, unfortunately, all too common. When we are entitled, we focus on what

we deserve (and it is usually more that what others think we deserve). The word deserve itselfis very tricky. Do we deserve a raise when there is a child starving in another country? Do wedeserve more respect when there may be someone in your town who is physically abused every

day? Im not saying that there is anything wrong with wanting a raise or wanting more respect. Iam just concerned with how much we feel entitled to it. Entitled people do not do well in toughtimes. In contrast, those who live in a state of gratitude do much better. They have much greaterpeace in difcult markets, possible recessions or mergers. They count their blessings even asthey face challenges. Living in a state of gratitude helps keep the difculties in perspective andalso helps us to leave work problems at work and not bring them home.

It is easy to fall into entitlement. This is one of the reasons why I like to go on a mission trip atleast once a year to work with groups that have far less than I do. I remember one trip I took


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with my eldest son where we worked with a group to build a small house for a family that previ-ously lived in a shed. When we handed the wife the electronic doorbell, she broke out in tears. Shhad never had a door her entire life. I try to remember this during the times when I feel offendedthat I didnt get something I wanted. All of the sudden, getting the middle seat on the plane is nthe biggest tragedy in the world.

So what are you grateful for? Make a list and review it often!

Opportunities Not ProblemsThe third attitude choice for this manual is the choice to focus on opportunities instead of prob

lems. For this section I would like to give a few excerpts from The Top Performers Guide to Attitude.

Martha Washington said, The greatest part of our happiness depends on our disposi-tions, not our circumstances. Do you believe this when challenges come your way? Whfacing difculties, do you focus on the problems or on the opportunities waiting to be

born? Those who choose to focus on the problems usually feel threatened, discouragedor controlled by the world. They complain about the problems rather than nding theunique angle that will turn those lemons into lemonade. Others embrace the challengeand work diligently to make good come from the bad.

Take the story of Lou Holtz:

Despite achieving the best record in university history, in 1983 Lou Holtz was red ashead football coach of the University of Arkansas. Despite his disappointment, Lou de-cided to be positive and focus on creating his future. Therefore, he did not make a publispectacle out of his unfair ring. Within a few years, Lou applied to be the head coach a

the University of Notre Dame. The Athletic Director did proper due diligence and calleLous references, including the University of Arkansas. Lous former boss gave him aglowing recommendation and focused on his positive attitude and the graceful way that

he left. He also confessed that ring Lou was a mistake. Of course, Lou went on to creaa legendary career as Head Coach of Notre Dame.

What would have happened if Lou had made other choices, like focusing on his unfairring and letting it depress him, or publicly complaining? He likely would have failedto nd the opportunity hiding right behind the challenge. Seeing opportunities even inthe most difcult times allows top performers to excel from challenges rather than becrushed by them.

Marcus Aurelius teaches, If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not dueto the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke atany moment. External challenges are given much of their power due to our choice to bfrightened by them. The truth is that great fortune comes from times of discomfort. Infact, author M. Scott Peck says, The truth is that our nest moments are most likely tooccur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfullled. For it is only isuch moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts anstart searching for different ways or truer answers. The discomfort of challenges has


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led to incredible discoveries, advanced thinking and stronger people. If we focus onopportunity, challenges stretch us instead of stress us. Martin Luther King, Jr. claimethat, The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comforand convenience but where he stands at times of challenge. Challenge reveals andshapes our character. If we let it, challenge has the potential to take us to heights we

have never previously achieved. Perhaps Maya Lin, the architect who designed theVietnam Wall, captured it best with, To y, we have to have resistance. If our eyesare too focused on the problem we will miss the opportunity. As Helen Keller, who

was no stranger to dealing with things she could not control, puts it, When one dooof happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door thawe do not see the one which has been opened for us.

So we have covered three attitude choices. And when we choose ownership, gratitude and opportunities, we will excel when others ounder.

While attitude represents a mental approach to condence, there are four other paths that we willreview briey.

Emotional: Media Input LaughterYou have heard that Laughter is the best medicine and there is a lot of truth to this statement.Humor has been shown to have many positive effects on our emotions and health. During toughtimes, it can be helpful to watch comedies and ll your world with laughter. Whether your taste isThe Ofce or Stripes, go buy or rent some DVDs and have some fun!

Behavioral: Do ItIf you are a procrastinator, then you are draining energy from yourself every time you avoid thatdreaded activity. When we just do it we release ourselves from the chains of dread. Consider thecost to your energy every time you avoid and then build a plan of attack. There are two main ways

to do thisyou either dip or you dive!

Consider the analogy of a cold swimming pool. Some people are divers. They jump in and freezetheir behind off, but they get use to the water quickly. Dippers do it differently. They start with a tothen get up to the knees, move in further (wait a little) and then eventually get all of the way in thewater. They dont have as much immediate pain as the divers, but the process is slower in terms ofgetting use to it. Neither is intrinsically better than the other, but each has its costs and its benetsThe main point is that neither is avoiding the water. They both get in. So, whether you need to dip

or dive quit procrastinating and do it!

Relational: Surround Yourself With The Right PeopleThis segment is not really complicated. Dump the drainers and surround yourself with high energypeople. Make a list of the people you would like to spend more time with. Who inspires you? Whorespects you? Who makes you feel good about the world? Who makes you feel good about yourselStart down the list and invite them to lunch, coffee, etc. Its fun. Its recharging. It works.


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Drill #1: Self-Care Balance Wheel

Most of us know exactly what we need to do to decrease stress in our lives. However, we get use

to reacting to our environment and often fail to take the few minutes necessary to assess how weare treating ourselves. Many professionals are incredibly strong and tenacious. However, you areNOT invulnerable. Take this simple assessment to help discover areas where you could be takingbetter care of yourself.

Within each of the following eight areas, circle the number that best represents your level ofsatisfaction in that area of self-care (7 = Completely satised; 1 = Completely dissatised):

Now connect the dots. How would your car travel if the wheels were in this shape? Use theimage to convict yourself to focus more on taking better care of yourself. As you look at yourscores ask yourself the following questions and write the answers below:

1. What stands out to you from your self-assessment?

2. What would you like to change about your wheel?

3. What will achieving that change do for you?

4. What stops you from making that change already?

5. How are you going to make the change happen?

The Drills

12

34

56

7

1 2 3 45 6 7

1

23

4

5

6

7

1

234567

7 6 5 4 3 2 1

7654321

76 5

43

21

76

5

4

3

2

1

Engagin

gin

humorou

sand

funactivit

es

Eatin

gw

ell

Gettingrestful

sleep

Exercisin

g

Sociali

zin

g

with

friends

Usingm

usic

toso

othe

yourstress

Protectingyourenergyfrom

negativepeople

Keeping

a

positive

mindset

/

perspect

ive


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Review the chapter and pick an additional technique to help you recharge. Write your goal with thitechnique below. Also, write down when and how you plan to use the tactic.

____________________________________________________________________________

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To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly

in love with spring.

George Santayana

The only disability in life is a bad attitude.

Scott Hamilton


The Inspiration

The Resources

The ACT Tough Times TacticsnewsletterThis free semi-monthly newsletter offers brief reminders for weekly de-stressing or

recharging tactics along with a quote of the week. Simply email us [email protected] and ask to subscribe.

Top Performers Guide to Attitudeby Tim Ursiny, Ph.D., Gary DeMoss & MarcYbaben, Ph.D. See how you can capture the power of attitude with the latest inthe Top Performers series.


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The Condence Plan: How to Build a Stronger Youby Tim Ursiny, PhD. The

Condence Plan is a revolutionary 6-week program which addresses ve

essential elements needed to build your self-condence

Work on your motivation while you sleep using our Relaxation/Goal-Focus CD. In it, we simply walk you through peaceful imagery to relax

you and then suggest messages about having great energy, focus and re-sults while you work.

For more information please call us at 630-293-0210 or email us at [email protected] see our website at www.advantagecoaching.com.


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Section IV:

Focusing Strategies

In this section you will learn how to block and tackle your way to focusing moreproductively. We will cover:

Five Things to Block (Protecting Yourself

Documents

Tough Times Tactic Book Med_Res