Too Cool for School 4th Draft

7/29/2019 Too Cool for School 4th Draft

1/13

INT - BEDROOM - MORNING

FECAL CHADWICK is sleeping in a sleeping bag. It is

completely closed, and his feet are sticking out the

end where his head should be. His alarm goes off,

and he immediately tries to hit his alarm with his

hands. He ends up falling off of the bed and

knocking over his whole night stand on to him. He

takes a really long time to get out of the sleeping

bag. His alarm is still playing, as he lays

motionless on the ground.

CUT TO:

INT - PARENTS BEDROOM - MORNING

BILLY-BOB HUGHES and EBONY WHITE lay in bed. BILLY

is a 40 year old white trash loser. EBONY is a black

woman. EBONY is reading "Life As A Stereotypical

Black Woman." BILLY is asleep. When he hears the

ruckus in the other room, he jolts up and revealsBIG BOXING gloves on his hands. He is sitting next

to a large tub Spicy Hot Cheese Puffs.


2/13

BILLY-BOB HUGHES

PET MY EARS AND CALL ME SALLY, WE

GOT A HOUSE BURGLAR, EBONY.

EBONY WHITE

(unsurprised, still

reading)

No, it's just Fecal. He does this

every morning.

BILLY-BOB HUGHES

What, sets off an atomic bomb the

size of Russia?

EBONY WHITE

No, he ends up backwards in his

favorite sleeping bag during the

night, he forgets he's backwards,

and falls off the bed when his

alarm plays. Then his whole night

stand falls on him. Shortly

after, he tries to stand up in

his sleeping bag, loses control,

and falls while saying "DANGIT!"

We hear a large crash from FECAL's room.

2.


3/13

FECAL

(from other room)

DANGIT!

BILLY-BOB HUGHES

(quietly)

No wonder he's brain dead.

EBONY lightly slaps him.

EBONY WHITE

You be nice. Just because he's

almost your step-son doesn't mean

you can be so mean all the time.

BILLY-BOB shrugs. He pulls up a book titled "You GoGirl; and Other Inspiring Quotes" He grabs a handful

of Spicy Hot Cheese Puffs and eats them with his

boxing gloves on.

BILLY-BOB HUGHES

Ebony...how do you read?

CUT TO:


FECAL lays motionless on the ground.

3.


4/13

FECAL CHADWICK

Uhhhhh.

He turns around in his sleeping bag, and it takes a

really long time. His head finally pops out, and hegets up. He's wearing shuttershades.

FECAL CHADWICK (CONT'D)

(to the camera)

My name is Fecal Chadwick, and

I'm pretty much the coolest kid I

know.

CUT TO:


BILLY-BOB is confused. EBONY doesn't even seem to

hear FECAL talking like Ferris Bueller.

CUT TO:


FECAL gets up, and walks to the bathroom. He's

listening to Nickelback on his Walkman. He looks at

his toothbrush, shrugs, and goes straight to

chugging an energy drink. He finishes.

4.


5/13

FECAL CHADWICK

I'm like, 2 and A Half Men meets

Nickelback cool.

CUT TO:


BILLY-BOB is confused.

BILLY-BOB HUGHES

Good lord this kids crazy.

EBONY WHITE

Don't worry about it. He started

doing it every morning after

watching Ferris Bueller last

spring.

CUT TO:

INT - BEDROOM - DAY

1. FECAL spends a while trying to tie his heelies

while boy band music plays from his stereo.

CUT TO:

5.


6/13

INT - PARENTS BEDROOM - DAY

BILLY-BOB shakes his head.

CUT TO:


FECAL lifts extremely light weights. He isn't doing

any of the workouts correctly.

FECAL CHADWICK

My mom says I'm the strongest

person she's ever met. And she's

only seen me naked twice.

CUT TO:


BILLY-BOB is annoyed.

BILLY-BOB HUGHES

Hey, Fecal!

Beat. FECAL turns the boy band music off.

FECAL CHADWICK

(from other room)

What?

6.


7/13

BILLY-BOB HUGHES (CONT'D)

Shut up!

CUT TO:

INT - FECAL'S BEDROOM - MORNING

FECAL is still lifting.

FECAL CHADWICK

(quieter)

I was born naked, and the other

time was at church camp. Long

story short, there wasn't much

room for Jesus.

BILLY-BOB jumps in from the other room.

BILLY-BOB HUGHES

(from other room)

Hey, Fecal!

FECAL CHADWICK

(annoyed)

What?

BILLY-BOB HUGHES

You're not Ferris Bueller. And

where'd you write that joke, a

mental ward?

7.


8/13

CUT TO

INT - PARENTS BEDROOM - DAY

BILLY-BOB taps EBONY while chuckling. She swats him

away.

CUT TO:

FECAL CHADWICK

(to camera, Ferris

Bueller-esque)

That's my stepdad. He isn-

BILLY-BOB cuts him off.

BILLY-BOB HUGHES

(slow, methodical)

We can hear everything your

saying. You can't just stop time

like that.

Beat.

FECAL CHADWICKYeah...so?

BILLY-BOB HUGHES

So shut up.

8.


9/13

INT - COMPUTER ROOM - DAY

FECAL searches how two be cool on google.

FECAL CHADWICK

(back to camera, to

himself, quiet)

How to be cool...

(to camera again,

louder)

But, that's just me. Fecal

Chadwick. Coolest kid on Earth.

Title Screen Shows: Too Cool for School; The Movie

As the title is playing, we hear BILLY-BOB from the

other room.

BILLY-BOB HUGHES

1. Don't make me drop these

cheese puffs. 2. Don't make me

drop the gloves. 3. You're name

means poop. 4. That was really

really stupid. 5. Seriously shut

up.

Title Screen fades.

9.


10/13

INT - LIVING ROOM - EARLY MORNING

FECAL stands, playing a Guitar Hero style game in a

ridiculous outfit. There's a knock on the door.

FECAL moves, while still playing guitar hero game.

It is very intense. FECAL opens the door as BILLY-

BOB walks into view. One cop is wearing a BOBA-FETT

costume doing the robot, and the other is trying not

to laugh. BILLY-BOB is in the background eating

cheese puffs.

BOBA-FETT

(robot voice)

Hello, is this Fecal Chadwick,

son of Poop Chadwick?

The other cop lets out a large amount of air from

his nostrils.

COP

Ha, sorry about him. We just

thought the whole Fecal and poop

thing was hilarious, right? Andthe delivery from this guy! WOW!

Beat.

10.


11/13

FECAL

What's with Boba Fett over here.

COP is somehow surprised that FECAL asked.

COPWha- ohhh, that! I don't really

know. We found it in the play pen

over at Mickey D's while doing

some

(quote fingers)

"investigatory work."

They both laugh harder than necessary.

COP (CONT'D)Oh, and sorry. We're from the

Juvenile...Juvenile Squad Troo-

Agh! Who knows these days, right?

We have NO idea what we're

doing.

BOBA-FETT takes off his mask.

BOBA-FETT

All we know is it has something

to do with a tazer, so we liked

that. . . A lot.

11.


12/13

12.


13/13

COP

Think fast!

The COP shoots at FECAL from his hip with a pistol.

CUT TO:

INT

13.

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Too Cool for School 4th Draft