�1© Justin Coulson PhD — happyfamilies.com.au"

Why do toddlers and pre-schoolers have such enormous tantrums? Is it normal? How long should these tantrums last? And what can parents do about it?"

Psychological researchers have made some vital discoveries for parents trying to get their toddlers, and themselves, through the pre-school years unscathed."

This tip-sheet outlines why tantrums happen and what you can do to reduce or even eliminate the dreaded toddler tantrums in positive ways that you, and your child, can feel good about."

Toddler TantrumsTIP SHEET DR JUSTIN COULSON

�2© Justin Coulson PhD — happyfamilies.com.au"

Toddler Tantrums are normal. Toddlers are supposed to push limits, express strong preferences, say no, and may even be explosive. Mild tantrums will usually start at around 18-24 months, and continue until around the age of 4 years. How we handle tantrums is vitally important.

Development!Three important developmental milestones are achieved as our children become toddlers and move into the preschool years:

1. Desire for autonomy

2. Language development

3. Theory of Mind

Desire for Autonomy!In simple terms, our children begin to develop a desire to determine their own actions. They want to choose what they do and when they do it. Until now, our children have been content to go with us, do as we’ve asked, and generally follow along. As they enter toddlerhood, this all changes. Their preferences become clear, and when something we want clashes with something they want, they’re not shy in letting us know about it.

Language Development!Language begins to ‘explode’ at this stage of our children’s life. Their favourite words are usually mumma, dadda, and NO! I think this is

partly because it’s what they hear most from us!

Theory of Mind!Theory of mind is the ability to recognize that other people see the world differently to the way we see it. To determine whether your child has developed theory of mind, you can try this test:

Find two dolls, a box, a basket (with lid), and a ball. Ask your child to watch as both dolls put the ball into the basket. Then one of the dolls “leaves”. The doll that remains moves the ball from the basket to the box. The doll then comes back into the room. Where will she look for the ball?

If your child points to the place the ball is NOW, theory of mind has not developed. This is because your child thinks the returning doll sees what s/he sees.

This cognitive milestone does not typically develop until 4½ - 5½ years of age.

Why tantrums occur!Our children are most likely to have tantrums when there are issues in one or more of these three areas. For example:

They may want something, but we tell them they can't have it. This intrudes on their growing sense of autonomy.

They may want something but not know how to communicate it. This is a language issue.

They may want something and not be able to perceive that it is not what others want. This is related to their development of Theory of Mind.

There can also be other reasons for toddler tantrums. The acronym HALTS explains five of these reasons. That is, a child who tantrums may be:

• Hungry

• Angry

• Lonely

• Tired

• Stressed

The final two reasons for tantrums are competence and interpersonal stress.

A tantrum over competence issues simply means that your toddler or preschooler wants to do something and cannot.

A tantrum may also develop because of us. This is the interpersonal element. Often, in spite of our best intentions, we get our response to our

toddler wrong, and that is all it takes to send them over the deep end.

So let's briefly review. Tantrums are normal. They usually start around the age of 18 months and can continue through until around age four or five. Tantrums are usually aligned with developmental milestones including desire for autonomy, language acquisition, and theory of mind. But tantrums also occur (for little people AND big people) due to hunger, anger, loneliness, being tired or stressed, feeling incompetent, and relationship issues.

What do we do about tantrums?!Many parents, with the best of intentions (and heightened stress levels), believe when their child is angry or throwing a tantrum, their child should be left alone.

The argument generally goes like this:

“I’m not going to give any attention to behaviour I don’t like.”

“My child has to learn this is not the way to get what you want.”

”I’ll either ignore him, or whack him. I think ignoring him is the better option.”

Such statements appear to make sense when managing (or handling) tantrums. They correspond with the prevailing mainstream approach to “behaviour modification” or “behaviour management”. Many psychologists will still advocate such an approach today.

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But this approach ignores much of what current research tells us about healthy brain development, and healthy stress responses.

These 'typical' responses can be described as dismissing (turning away), or disapproving (turning against).

What should we do instead?!Remember, it is not about handling or managing. It is about guiding and supporting. We manage and handle things. We guide and support children and each other. Notice the important difference in the language.

Here are my top ten toddler tantrum taming tips:

1. Stay present. Sometimes letting go of our agenda and focusing on the moment is the most helpful thing we can do. When you're upset, do you look for someone to say, "Not now! We've got things to do!", or do you prefer that they stop, understand, and support?Time-in will usually be far more kind and beneficial than time-out.

2. Remember that behind every challenging behaviour is an unmet need. Whether the need is sleep, food, hugs, or feeling overwhelmed, our children only scream and shout and kick when they don't know what else to do. I'm not suggesting we should meet their needs. Some needs should

not be met! But we must understand those needs to help children through tantrums.

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What is driving the behaviour?!

Remember the HALTS acronym. Tantrums usually come from hunger, anger, loneliness, tiredness, or stress and frustration. If a child needs to feel us close, wants to do something that is over-challenging, or is feeling too controlled, tantrums are likely to ensure. Identify the cause."

What is my child's emotional level?!

If you 'catch' your child's emotion, you will both end up loud, angry, and upset. Emotionally intelligent parents identify their own emotions and regulate them, regardless of their child's emotion. Then they can respond to their child maturely and effectively."

Do we need to leave for a time?!

Sometimes the best option for dealing with a tantrum is to get out of the environment you are in. This might mean leaving shopping in an aisle, or walking out of a social gathering. If you need to leave do it gently, peacefully and kindly. "

Apply emotional first aid?!

If our child fell and skinned a knee, we would provide first aid (band-aids). Yet when our children experience emotional pains, our typical reactions to tantrums are threats, time outs, and other punishments. When we offer emotional first-aid, we provide them with the compassion, understanding, and love they need to calm down so we can then help them resolve their problem peacefully.

3. See the opportunity in the problemChildren's big emotions may seem really inconvenient (and they can be!), but if we shift our mindset, they can become powerful bonding experiences. Rather than seeing the tantrum as a problem, see it as an opportunity for connection and closeness.

4. Keep things calm.Our emotions are contagious. Remain calm.

5. Go somewhere quiet Trying to work things out with angry offspring in front of a crowd is usually ineffective. Find somewhere without an audience before you start working through the issue.

6. Let go of logic When our child starts getting worked up, it is easy to tell them why their feelings are not ok, what we expect instead, and what will happen if things continue. But this usually makes things worse, not better. Statements of instruction should always be preceded by statements of understanding. Our children are not looking for us to understand things intellectually. That comes later. Right now, they want to know we get how they're feeling.Think of a time you got emotional and your spouse/partner looked at you grimly and said, "You're getting really worked up. It's not going to help. Would you just settle down?" Chances are it didn't help.

When our children feel understood emotionally, then we can begin the process of showing we understand intellectually.

7. Name it to tame it To show your child that you actually do understand their emotion, it can be helpful to actually name the emotions he or she is feeling. You might say, "You're feeling really frustrated aren't you." Or "When it's time to leave the park it makes you really, really sad." At this point it is not about solving the problem. It's simply about understanding it. And if you get the emotion wrong, most kids will tell you!

8. Allow space and offer comfort As you privately and quietly offer understanding, just 'be there'. Offer hugs. Show you understand. And then stop.If your child will not calm down, offer hugs when they're ready, and then give them the choice as to whether you should stay or go. (Of course, always stay close, but give them space if they choose it.)

9. Problem solve together When things have calmed down (which may be 2 minutes or 10 minutes) ask this one questions: "What should we do now?" Then problem solve together.

10. TeachWhen things are calm and the moment is passed, talk about it together and use the experience to teach your child how to act.

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About Dr Justin Coulson!Dr Justin Coulson is one of Australia’s most respected parenting speakers, authors, and researchers. He is the founder of ‘Happy Families’, an Honorary Fellow at the University of Wollongong, and a Senior Associate at the Positive Psychology Institute.

Dr Coulson earned his PhD in psychology from the University of Wollongong. He is the author of several peer-reviewed journal articles and book chapters, and has written a number of popular books and e-books about parenting and happiness. He provides his parenting expertise to well-known organisations including the Australian Government’s Raising Children Network, Life Education, Intel Security, and the Alannah and Madeline Foundation.

In addition, Dr Coulson writes a weekly parenting advice column for Sydney’s Daily Telegraph, appears regularly on The Project and Studio 10, and he is the parenting expert at kidspot.com.au – Australia’s #1 parenting website.

Justin works with individuals, families, schools, and organisations to improve relationships, boost motivation and performance, and inspire happiness and wellbeing.

Most importantly, Justin is an expert in wrestling with his children, reading Dr Seuss, sliding down steep hills on cardboard boxes, and teaching his children to ride bikes.

Justin and his wife Kylie are the parents of six children and live on the South Coast of NSW.

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