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Vladimir O'Leary, the product of an Irish window cleaner and a Russian ballet dancer, is currently Ireland's self-styled Poet Laureate. You will find his latest collection of entertaining, wistful,or disturbing poetry, ideal for reading to an elderly and wealthy aunt.
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Absolutely
The absolutely generation
drives me absolutely mental.
In every single conversation.
absolutely is essential.
They don’t say ‘Yes’ or ‘I agree’
and when did you last hear ‘indubitably’?
Together, we must make a stand
and get this absolutely banned.
What say you? Don’t you agree?
‘Oh absolutely!’
2
Why must I be a senior citizen in love?(To the tune of Why must I be a teenager in love?)
Each time we have a quarrel, it almost breaks my heart,
Cause I am so afraid that we will have to part,
Each night I ask the stars up above,
Why must I be a senior citizen* in love?
One day I feel so happy, the next I feel so sad.
Its normal for my age - according to my dad.
Each night I take the stairlift above.
To prove that I’m a senior citizen in love.
I slipped a disk doing things with you
things that aren’t quite normal for a guy of eighty two.
Well, if you want to make me cry, that won't be so hard to do.
Go hide my free bus pass and my viagra too
Each night I ask the stars up above,
Why must I be a senior citizen in love?
I’ve cried till tears run down my face
and damaged parts that the doctors can’t replace.
But if you want to make me happy, that wont be so hard for you
Just grab my zimmer frame and show me something new
Each night I ask the stars up above
Why must I be a senior citizen in love. (Repeat three times)
*or 'an old age pensioner’ (UK) '
25
The Engineer’s Lament
There’s a gang of people mooning at my train.
It’s a mystery that no one can explain.
But each time that I drive in
They just drop their pants and grin
And embarrass all the good folk on my train
Its a sight that makes some passengers complain
When I told my supervisor, he said ‘Just go drive that train’
In the old days when I drove along this track
They would wave at me and I would wave right back
I’d be feeling kinda proud
And I’d hoot my horn real loud
Giving anxious folks nearby a heart attack.
But I’ve still got that old catapult of mine
and this air gun filled with pellets will do absolutely fine.
For a gang of people mooning at my train.
It’s a mystery that that no one can explain.
So the next time we go past
And they drop their pants half-mast
I’ll make damn sure one of them goes home in pain.
So the moral of this story is quite plain
Don’t be tempted to go mooning at my train!
26
Push away from the table(To the tune of John Brown’s Body - well almost)
The guy has got a belly
that looks like a big bass drum.
and from the back, his head and neck
remind you of a thumb.
He waddles round the buffet
piling food upon his plate.
And wearing shorts that would look silly
on a kid of eight.
Push away from the table
Push away from the table
Push away from the table
and leave some crumbs for the other hungry bums.
His partner’s even larger
but knows how to hold her booze.
She looks just like a stranded whale
that's covered in tattoos.
She follows close behind him
loading up with food galore.
Enough to feed a hungry nation
for a week or more.
Before they leave the dining hall
they fill a secret sack
With doughnuts, buns and pastries
just for their morning snack.
Then lie there sizzling on the beach
and only need to rise.
To grab a few greaseburgers
and a bucketful of fries.
There’s not enough to go around
or so the experts say.
The have’s are getting larger
while the have-nots fade away.
Let’s pray there’ll come a day
when certain people will be able
To say ‘We’ve had enough’
and push away from the table.
27
Skinny Dipping
Now, there’s a place that I recall, where we would go to swim
It wasn’t at a swimming pool down at the local gym.
And though the water was too deep, too muddy and too cold.
We all loved skinny dipping at the old swimming hole
Chorus:
Oh, for just another of those sunny days of old
When we went skinny dipping at the old swimming hole
We didn’t have a lifeguard watching from a little boat
Just a rubber tyre that would keep us all afloat.
We learnt to do the backstroke, the breast stroke and the crawl
The butterfly was silly, never did that one at all.
Like monkeys in the jungle, we would swing from tree to tree
Hanging from a piece of rope and every ride was free
Leaping from the tallest rock, I did a cannon ball
And landed on Fat Louie, who was cushioning my fall
One day a stranger took our clothes, and then away did run
At first we didn’t notice it, ‘cos we were having fun.
We had to wait till sundown and all the folks were in,
Then sneak back home in darkness, dressed in nothing but our skin
For no particular reason that we could understand,
A law enforcement officer told us that it was banned
We grabbed his arms and legs, and everybody took a hold
And he went skinny dipping at the old swimming hole.
The other day, I came this way while on a business trip
The weather was so hot I thought I’d have a skinny dip
A restaurant and a parking lot was all that I could see
My dear old swimming hole was just a part of history.
28
!itanicand o"er ques#onable poem$
%is co&ec#on of short poems is dedica'd ( "e )A*ica Merc+,
-lease read about "e work of "is hospital ship o. /ww.mercyships.or0