Tips forCorporate American

JournalistsRules,

Regulations,Standards,Practices!

Remember!Remember!• Never write or say anythingthat could be consideredoffensive by anyone…

• Journalists are supposedto be politiciansnot activists!

• “You can’t ever loseby smiling and nodding.”

• Never write or say anythingthat could be consideredoffensive by anyone…

• Journalists are supposedto be politiciansnot activists!

• “You can’t ever loseby smiling and nodding.”

Remember!Remember!

• Always wear suits and ties…• Otherwise normal peoplewill not trust or respect you.

• Being enslaved by conventionwill make your life much easier.

• Always wear suits and ties…• Otherwise normal peoplewill not trust or respect you.

• Being enslaved by conventionwill make your life much easier.

Remember!Remember!• Never feed starving childrenthat you photograph…

• Journalists are supposedto be vultures,not humanitarians.

• Never feed starving childrenthat you photograph…

• Journalists are supposedto be vultures,not humanitarians.

Remember!Remember!

• Having or expressing yourown opinions about anythingis a sure-way to get fired…

• “We can’t afford another lawsuit.”

• Having or expressing yourown opinions about anythingis a sure-way to get fired…

• “We can’t afford another lawsuit.”

Remember!Remember!

• Never disagree with your editorif you know what’s good for you…

• “You can’t wina fight with your boss.”

• Never disagree with your editorif you know what’s good for you…

• “You can’t wina fight with your boss.”

Remember!Remember!

• Make sure everythingyou write or photographis as mediocre and blandas possible…

• “We’re on deadline, buddy!”

• Make sure everythingyou write or photographis as mediocre and blandas possible…

• “We’re on deadline, buddy!”

Remember!Remember!

• You’d rather do a story on STDsthan about sports?

• Absolutely not,sports SELL papers!

• You’d rather do a story on STDsthan about sports?

• Absolutely not,sports SELL papers!

Remember!Remember!

• Don’t forget:“Journalism is a business!”

• Making your newspaper moneyis more importantthan actually helping people!

• Don’t forget:“Journalism is a business!”

• Making your newspaper moneyis more importantthan actually helping people!

Remember!Remember!

• Don’t you dare ask for a raise!!!

• $18,000 a year is a lot of money…

• (in communist China).

• Don’t you dare ask for a raise!!!

• $18,000 a year is a lot of money…

• (in communist China).

Remember!Remember!

• Gannett, News Corp, Time-Warner…

• It’s your job to be poor,so that they can be rich!

• Gannett, News Corp, Time-Warner…

• It’s your job to be poor,so that they can be rich!

Remember!Remember!

• Don’t ever question the methodsof your newspaper’s advertisers…

• Don’t ever break any bad newsabout the advertisers…

• “They pay your bills!”

• Don’t ever question the methodsof your newspaper’s advertisers…

• Don’t ever break any bad newsabout the advertisers…

• “They pay your bills!”

Remember!Remember!• For those who criticize newspapersfor not doing enough storieson relevant social issueslike homelessness or poverty…

• Kindly remind themthat the homeless and poordon’t buy newspapers.

• For those who criticize newspapersfor not doing enough storieson relevant social issueslike homelessness or poverty…

• Kindly remind themthat the homeless and poordon’t buy newspapers.

Remember!Remember!• For those who ask whywe don’t do more storieson issues surrounding minorities…

• Kindly remind them that stories surrounding middle and upper-middle class white Christian suburbanites are more important to newspapers because…

• there is more of them and…• they buy more papers.

• For those who ask whywe don’t do more storieson issues surrounding minorities…

• Kindly remind them that stories surrounding middle and upper-middle class white Christian suburbanites are more important to newspapers because…

• there is more of them and…• they buy more papers.

Remember!Remember!• Cover all international issues withthe most narrow-minded, xenophobic,and nationalistic perspectiveas possible…

• Especially on issuesconcerning brown people,like Mexicans or Palestinians.

• Cover all international issues withthe most narrow-minded, xenophobic,and nationalistic perspectiveas possible…

• Especially on issuesconcerning brown people,like Mexicans or Palestinians.

Remember!Remember!

• What do you meanyou don’t likebeing spied onby the NSA?

• Then SURELYyou must have something to hide!

• What do you meanyou don’t likebeing spied onby the NSA?

• Then SURELYyou must have something to hide!

Remember!Remember!

• Don’t everchallenge the government!

• Big Brotherdoesn’t appreciate dissent.

• Don’t everchallenge the government!

• Big Brotherdoesn’t appreciate dissent.

Remember!Remember!

• Do what you’re told to do…• Say what you’re told to say…

• Be who you’re told to be…• Live in a fucking-cave.

• Do what you’re told to do…• Say what you’re told to say…

• Be who you’re told to be…• Live in a fucking-cave.

American Journalism

» Sucking Corporate Dicks Since ‘96!