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Table of Contents
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
Arthur Robert Goshin
Time Changes Nothing
Table of Contents
One Hundred and Twenty Four Moons
Longing Before Dawn
Love’s Cloth
Both The Harvest And The Seed
Copyright © 2011 Arthur Robert Goshin
ISBN 978-0-9843461-1-0
Table of Contents
One
Time Changes Nothing ..............................................................2
The Telling ..................................................................................3
The Past Never Forgets ..............................................................4
The Unseen .................................................................................5
Childhood Is Forever ..................................................................6
The Heart Knows ........................................................................7
What Kind Of Poem? .................................................................8
Regret ..........................................................................................9
The Dead Never Leave .............................................................10
All The Moments ......................................................................11
A Wasted Life ............................................................................12
‘Granpa’ .....................................................................................13
Two
I Can’t Dance On The Wind ....................................................16
The Realm Of Silence ...............................................................17
Forgotten ...................................................................................18
Possession ..................................................................................19
My Hiding Place........................................................................20
This Inferno ...............................................................................21
What Do They See? ..................................................................22
Is That Not Enough? ................................................................23
Look For The Unknowable ......................................................24
Better About What Lies Ahead .................................................25
My Quartet ................................................................................26
Table of Contents
Three
Down Together .........................................................................30
What If I Just.........? .................................................................31
Yes, Dream .................................................................................32
Should I Tell Them? .................................................................33
Day And Night ..........................................................................34
Whispers? ..................................................................................35
Entropy ......................................................................................36
Where Did She Go? ..................................................................37
I Once Had A World .................................................................38
Life Is For Discovery .................................................................39
Four
Just One More Time .................................................................42
At This Intersect ........................................................................43
Your Permission? .......................................................................44
Doubts About Love ...................................................................45
Ah, Dessert!! ..............................................................................46
Time’s Harvest ...........................................................................47
The Failure To Protect ..............................................................48
You Will Not Be Consumed .....................................................49
Observer Or Participant ............................................................50
A Turnstile .................................................................................51
Table of Contents
Five
Untethered.................................................................................54
At The Crossroad ......................................................................55
What I Lost ...............................................................................56
Searching ...................................................................................57
Keep Them Safe ........................................................................58
Along The Shore .......................................................................59
My Things .................................................................................60
An Acknowledgement ...............................................................61
I See It, Love It ..........................................................................62
Below The Surface ....................................................................63
Six
Was I Ever Younger? .................................................................66
The End Of Love ......................................................................67
Caught In Yin And Yang ...........................................................68
Summer Drifting .......................................................................69
Above The Fog, Below The Clouds .........................................70
What If? .....................................................................................71
Can I Outlive Me? .....................................................................72
Never Reject Hope ....................................................................73
When To Love, Who To Love .................................................74
Let Your Life Live .....................................................................75
Table of Contents
Seven
Lasting Tracks ...........................................................................78
Moonlight Desire ......................................................................79
Faith In My Hope......................................................................80
Young Again? .............................................................................81
Always Traces .............................................................................82
Because.......................................................................................83
Protect The Thread ..................................................................84
Just Like That! ...........................................................................85
Improbable Lives .......................................................................86
Ignore The Truth? .....................................................................87
Eight
Where Will You Find Me? ........................................................90
Only The Prelude ......................................................................91
Losing Your Way? .....................................................................92
Much More Than Enough ........................................................93
The Veneer ................................................................................94
Words Bumping And Tripping .................................................95
The Final Queue .......................................................................96
A Love Archeologist ..................................................................97
In Gratitude ...............................................................................98
A Promise Fulfilled ....................................................................99
Table of Contents
Nine
The Moment ...........................................................................102
My Love Space ........................................................................103
Good Enough? ........................................................................104
Every Morning ........................................................................105
Love And Death ......................................................................106
The Call Of The Sirens ..........................................................107
We Can Always Use Hope ......................................................108
Please, Take Me With You ......................................................109
Love Lost .................................................................................110
What I Need ............................................................................111
Ten
No, You Will Not Find Me .....................................................114
Why Do We Hold Back? ........................................................115
Night Of The Full Moons ......................................................116
Yes, There Is Evil .....................................................................117
We Need Doubt, We Need Uncertainty ................................118
Me? ..........................................................................................119
See The Heavens Fill ..............................................................120
Scattered ..................................................................................121
Thankful Wonder ....................................................................122
Please, More Silence................................................................123
Table of Contents
Eleven
My Shadow ..............................................................................126
The Beast Within ....................................................................127
No, Not In A Moment ............................................................128
A Poet? .....................................................................................129
That First Day And After ........................................................130
This Picture .............................................................................131
Hope And Promise ..................................................................132
The Pity Of It ..........................................................................133
Now What? .............................................................................134
Cherish The Unfathomable ....................................................135
Twelve
Forgiveness?! ...........................................................................138
Life In Retrograde ...................................................................139
Love Matter .............................................................................140
Slipping Through ....................................................................141
What To Make Of It? ..............................................................142
Just Out Of View .....................................................................143
Keeping Count ........................................................................144
The Wind At Your Back ..........................................................145
Evidence...................................................................................146
Inevitable .................................................................................147
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
1
One
2
TIME CHANGES NOTHING
Time changes nothing.Even more than sixty years on,I still long to play with my yellowtruck, have my milk and cookies,want my mother’s warmth andmy father’s time.I still want to be the sheriff in‘High Noon’, feel my toes in thesand, kick stones in the street.And, even after all these years, I still yearn to relive all of our times together.Indeed, time changes nothing.
3
THE TELLING(To be read slowly while listening to Claude Debussy’s ‘Clair De Lune’)
Please, come here.To me.Now bend in closer.No, still closer.I’ve something to share,something to tell.Only for you to hear.It’s my whispers, my story,being told,about us.Only for us.Because I want you, us,to know, to understand.I will tell it softly,sweetly, completely, becausethat’s my memory of it.Telling with the fondestremembrance, and the mostloving tenderness.But please, don’t notice thetears as they roll down my cheek, or the catch in my voiceas I choke back the bittersweetsadness caused by timeand circumstance.I just can’t help it.
4
THE PAST NEVER FORGETS
They were all there.Waiting for me.My beloved parents,grandparents, great grandparents, uncles,aunts, cousins, and the others I missed so.I knew them all, but someI had never known.‘Sholem aleykhem!!’All so happy to see me, so happy to be with me.Finally.There to celebrate, towelcome my arrival, backto our village.All the candles creatingthis wondrous golden glow.Singing, dancing, my favorite foods.I wept so in happiness.We continued on and on,through that night and every one after.I had longed so deeply tosee them, to talk to and bewith them again.Here, where I always knewI was meant to be.Yes, the past never forgets.
5
THE UNSEEN
At age six, I recall being mesmerized by a late afternoon’sgolden light filtering in through the wooden blinds in our Brooklyn apartment.I watched in amazement as what mymother said were dust particles dancedabout to their own tune.But, where did they go when darkness came?And where, exactly, did they come from?I tried using a flashlight to see if I couldfind them on cloudy days, but that didn’t work.I could never locate these particles outside, evenin the sunlight.I finally came to realize that there were unseenthings of mystery occurring all around mein this world.Things that I might never fully understand.I still look for such mysteries, and whenfound I consider each one a wonderful new treasure.
6
CHILDHOOD IS FOREVER
Why do I have to grow up?Where is the sense in that?I’ve never really understood the concept.I don’t mean about acceptingmany of the responsibilitiesthat come with being older.No, I mean abandoning thejoy, openness, playfulness,innocence, inventiveness,sense of freedom, and thelimitless possibilities in how to view and interact with the world.Too many ‘adults’ become dour, too serious, constrained,drained of laughter andspontaneity, accepting of afated, too predictable future.No, childhood is most definitelyforever.
7
THE HEART KNOWS
I can’t stop it.My heart.No matter what I do.It won’t rest, take abreather, a short vacation.From wanting yours.I seem to lack control, evensufficient influence, althoughyou’d think I would.It definitely needs sometime off occasionally.A respite, to meditate perhaps,enjoy some stillness, tranquility.To reflect, be certain, to alwayshave a clear plan about its intent.Although you do have to admireits resolute commitment and focus.I mean, after all, the heart knows.Doesn’t it?
8
WHAT KIND OF POEM?
So, what kind of poem shallit be this morning?The beginning of love?The end of love?Love unrequited?Love requited?The wonders of love orits burdens?Death and the Grim Reaper?The unkindness of time?Hope or hopelessness?The wonders of childhoodor the fears of senescence?The blessings of intimacyor the omnipresence ofloneliness?Physical beauty or the end of it?Memories or the loss of them?Come on, come on, pick one,so that I can just get on with it!!
9
REGRET
It may happen like this..............There will be something thatsuddenly reminds you of me, of us.Something that creates a warm,penetrating remembrance.It may be a word, a place we’ve been, something I gave to you.Maybe it will be a dream, or you’llbe thinking of a poem I wrote,something I said.You will feel that I am, so very painfully, just out of your reach.A forever, unrequitable longing.Missing me much more than even you thought possible.Something for which you werecompletely unprepared.You will feel a deep penetrating regret, a profound emptiness and sadness. But please, always know thatit was also my regret.That I, above all else, wantedso much more time for us.
10
THE DEAD NEVER LEAVE
The dead never leave.The ones you loved, theones who cared about you.They never abandon you.They are always there, nearby.Just at the very edge of yourawareness.You are what they still, andwill always cherish.When you need them, theyhold you close.For comfort, advice, support.It’s what they now do.No, not angels, but close.
11
ALL THE MOMENTS
Sometimes, I wish this wasn’t so.It can be a burden.Definitely a personal challenge.Maybe it helps to explain.But, each moment with you oftenseems to be all of our moments.A summation, taken together.Both of what’s been, and perhapswhat part of me hopes may yet be.All of our times, all of our memories,relived in that instant.Each word, each kiss, each touch,each whisper, and what was meantbut unsaid, and said and meant.Yes, each time.
12
A WASTED LIFE
I can imagine no greaterfear than to have had a wasted life.One without meaning, without love.The gift discarded, squandered.To have failed to care.To have failed to try to make theworld and others better.To have failed to share hopeand possibilities.A life without consequence,devoid of purpose.An aimless existence.To have taken but not given.A wasted life.
13
‘GRANPA’
I wasn’t sure that I had heard it correctly.So, I turned.There, in his stroller, with hand outstretched.18 months.Saying my ‘name’ for the first time.And calling out to me, to hold his hand.Oh my, oh my!There are a few special moments, gifts,treasures, that life offers for which youare surprisingly unprepared, but havesuch an indelible impact, that remind youhow wondrous your existence is and has been.How you are with purpose, the vital link to allthat has gone before, that has enabled you to bewho you are, where you are, connecting with whatmight yet be up on ahead.And to think, it only took one word.‘Granpa.’
14
15
Two
16
I CAN’T DANCE ON THE WIND(Read while humming Bob Dylan’s ‘I Want You’. Well, sort of.)
You ask too much.For me to love you differentlythan my heart demands.Because I’m not sure I can.You expect rules, limits, constraints.For me to deny every instinct.To do without the intimacy thatis my very oxygen.To be both distant and close inthe same moment.To be two when we should be one.To tolerate ambiguity when I need crystal clarity.I can’t dance on the wind.I can’t.
17
THE REALM OF SILENCE
Silence isn’t empty.It is filled with soundlesswhispers, secrets, thoughtsthat are never heard, imagesand stories never told.Unrevealed, unshared, butso often full of surprise andwonder.An imagined, personal,sometimes fantastical place.You can go there to visit,discover, escape, to reflect,whenever you want.Known only to you.Your own private cosmos.Surely, some of what is hiddeninside is more splendid than what your eyes have seen or ears have heard.Not everything needs to be, can be, should be, shared.
18
FORGOTTEN
I fear being forgottenmore than dying.I expect that those who I now love, care most about, will remember and miss medeeply, some even profoundly,after I’m gone.Perhaps long for, wish for, moremoments together.But, it’s the ones who follow, justafter, who will let me slip away.Because they’re busy with otherthings, because I wasn’t wellknown or known to them.Not relevant.Understandably unaware thattheir grasp on me constantlyweakens.That if they don’t somehow hold on I will tumble away, intothe void, lost forever.I know it’s my fate, everyones,but one that I, nonetheless, fearand wish were otherwise.
19
POSSESSION
Sometimes the strangestand most intractable thoughtstake root.No matter how hard you maytry to prevent it.And when the thoughts are of the so very potent mixture of loveand lust you are helpless,possessed actually.Your mind, you, have no choiceand must follow, with your heartin tow, to wherever it all leads.
20
MY HIDING PLACE
I know I’m not there,but it sure feels like it.I’m sitting in my hiding place.An alcove just off the backyardof my apartment building thatno one but me seems to go to.Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, 1951,Avenue P.It’s my favorite spot, mine,all mine.I can hear the cars and thestreet noise, but in here itseems very quiet.It’s just for me.I’m playing with my yellow truck.My favorite toy.Moving stones from here to there.So I can build something.Oh, do I love my secret spot.There is no place better.Still.
21
THIS INFERNO
Oh my gosh, the heat!How high can your own temperature really get?Is it possible to ignite, tomelt, to undergo sublimationand just disappear?I can feel every degree of thisburning heat.But, it does feel good, so veryvery good.This inferno lit by the spark of our love.The flames fanned so fiercelyby the winds of our passion.The cycle so thankfully endless.After each cooling, our constantlyrenewing desire simply createsthe next spark, and the next, and.....
22
WHAT DO THEY SEE?
What do I see, what do they see?My sons.I confess to always catching aglimpse of the child in the adult.Always.I can’t help it.Interestingly, I still see myself(well, except in the mirror) as I’vebeen through my life’s continuum.I’m still the same me as I was at8 years old sneaking off toConey Island, fighting snowballwars from the roof of myapartment building.All this ‘growing up’, what doesit mean in terms of our perceptions?Will that child that I see in me disappear?Will I stop seeing the child in my sons?What is it that my sons see now,and will see as I age?The father who held them close, or afather who appears to be becoming their grandfather and disappearing?I wonder.
23
IS THAT NOT ENOUGH?
I will gladly give you all of myself that you could possibly want.So happily much more than youever imagined.But never all.Who could fulfill and guaranteethat promise?There just is some of me that Imust keep only for myself.I know there are limits, althoughI don’t know now what they are.Perhaps I will in time.You have my heart, you have all of my love.Is that not enough?
24
LOOK FOR THE UNKNOWABLE
Look for things that are unknowable.That can be explored but neverdiscovered.That can be approached butnever reached.Touched but not fully grasped.Started but never completed.Problems to be understood withoutconcluding solutions.Things that may have enduring meaning.Look.
25
BETTER ABOUT WHAT LIES AHEAD
Strange, just moments ago all of my thoughts, and remnants of my heart,were consumed with my ruminating about the harsh realities sometimes present in life.But now, as I sit here in the park,watching the utter joy of children asthey laugh and play, with the sun lowin the horizon beginning to share thewonders of its palette with me, I feelso much better about what lies ahead.
26
MY QUARTET
Ah, love, happiness,hope, intimacy.My dazzling quartet, myprecious holy quaternary.The ayin, the nirvana, that I seek.Together for me, entwined,forever inseparable, as one.All my heavens aligned.Achieved tranquility.
27
28
29
Three
30
DOWN TOGETHER
After awhile you begin to wonder.The thought seeps in.You pretend to be unconcernedabout yourself, but you are.Some of your contemporaries are dying.Crippling illness suddenly strikes thoseyou know, some who you love.Seemingly a selection made at random.You speculate, ‘will death and diseasepass over me and my house, or am I about to hear its knock?If them now, why not me?’There is no comfort when it’s someoneelse and not you, no deep sigh of relief.Actually, you feel that their loss alsochips away at you, your continuance.That somehow, you are part of acollectivity, and even part of a shared and special generation in time that has begun to disappear.As you think about this, a rememberedphrase from the tune ‘Goodnight Saigon’,by Billy Joel, keeps repeating itself within you, ‘.........and we will all go down together....’.And then you know, that no matter how muchyou might wish otherwise, your far horizonjust isn’t that far away.
31
WHAT IF I JUST............?
It’s the wind.The snow tappingagainst the window.Dawn is dawning.Now awake, I turn to you.You are deep in REM sleep.On your back.So still, barely breathing.Face serene, beautiful, delicious, irresistible.Lips dry, just parted, mestruggling to resist.Watching, enjoying.Both your hands high up near your neck.Oh, that neck.Your contours calling me.What is the dream, am I in it?Right leg, next to me,uncovered.Oh, my my.What if I just lift thecover and............?
32
YES, DREAM
Go ahead, fall in love.In love with who and what youare and still aspire to be.Live life as a great romanticadventure.Constantly move out fromyour ‘comfort zone’, yourroutines.Think obliquely.Keep fun and comic relief central.Read fiction, all types.Date and court ideas, leadthem on to consummation.Imagine the unimaginable.Smile and laugh a lot.Notice the details around you, ask questions.Be 9 when you are 43, 8 when 50, you get the idea.Make a list each day of at least five inspiring wonders you experience.Dream.Yes, dream.
33
SHOULD I TELL THEM?
They seem so content and happy.So, I often wonder, ‘should I tell themand spoil things?’You know, the key secret about a life.The one disregarded, removed fromawareness, the undesired truth,not spoken about.Though I’m not sure that I would reallybe believed, that the fact wouldchange what they do.So, why say it?Why tell them that their life will end,that it’s length and all the momentsin between are unpredictable, so they should cherish every momentespecially those of love and wonder?That a life, when later viewed, is not much more than a blink of an eye.And later, when they do realize this truth,that the years and memories willseem so faint that they’ll puzzle overwhether these recollections were simply last night’s dreams.Well then, maybe its best to say nothing.
34
DAY AND NIGHT
When the gift of the days’ first light arrives from the easternhorizon, and when it departs atthe western edge, I feel the fullblessing for all life, its continued presence, and my existence aspart of it.With sleep I prepare for what is next.I wait and anticipate.Gratification then comes frommodest rewards, reaffirmations.The feel of the wind against myskin, the fresh scents in the air,the sounds of laughter,but most especially thecomfort and joy your voice, your presence brings to me.
35
WHISPERS?
Although faint, I think I can stillhear your whispers of love.They seem to pierce through thefog of anger since your hurtful words.But, are these just echoes from before,or messages to me from your heartas it now beats?A cruel deception, a trick of the wind,or a foolish self-deception?Maybe I’ll never know.Unless you tell me.
36
ENTROPY
Are you in the grip of entropy?Your life defined by disorder, a lackof energy to do most anything.Feeling strapped in, barely ableto move.Not really concerned with what’s next,or for that matter what’s past.Not able to differentiate between sleepand awake, because they seem the same.Wondering what the word ‘purpose’has to do with your life.But finally, after lots of reflection, yourealize that you’d like the opposite tocharacterize your life.Well then, you most definitely need love,and a lot of it.Yes, the emotional part and lots of thephysical stuff as well.The intimacy, the passion, the......Love is life’s basic energy source tocombat entropy.So, get to it!
37
WHERE DID SHE GO?
She first appeared walking, passing before my eyes,going from right to left.Slowed motion, very slow.Outside somewhere, a breeze.Her face first sideways, then turningto look at me while moving.A faint, indefinable, perplexing smile.All of her beauty though, so brilliantlyilluminated by a resplendent sun.A playful glint shown in her eyes, butpaired with a slight questioning frown.The background, a changing palette of deep water blues and spring fresh greens.Then, without a warning, as suddenlyas she had appeared, total darkness.
38
I ONCE HAD A WORLD
I once had a world.Mine.Inside, here.What a treasure.Far exceeding all hopes,all expectations.It took a lifetime to discover,nourish, create.Filled with serendipitous wonders.Filled with love and happiness.Fulfillment beyond all dreams.But, in a time yet to come, in thebriefest of moments, perhapswithout warning, it will disappear.Almost as though it never happened.Almost as though I never happened.Strange.So very strange.
39
LIFE IS FOR DISCOVERY
In so many ways I’m still a child.And, will likely always be one.That’s not bad, I guess.Although at this age, it is a bit hardto think of myself precisely that way.It’s just that I still find myselftrying to take first steps.For things I’ve never done or thought about before, things brand new.No parents left to help me.I just do them on my own.Yes, our inner and outer worlds, life,is for discovery.
40
41
Four
42
JUST ONE MORE TIME
This morning I awoke from a very vivid dream.In the dream I had taken a ride on my bicycle to see my grandfather.But, when I arrived in front of hisapartment building I suddenly remembered,to my sad disappointment, that hehad died thirty years before.I stood there confused, uncertainabout what to do.So, I thought, what was this dream’s meaning,its message?Not that all do, but I was certain thatthis one did.Inevitably, the parents and grandparentswho you loved so dearly, die and slowly fade away from your awareness.This dream, I think, helped me to realize a previously unexpressed, powerful desire, this wish, to see those I loved just one more time.To be with them just once more, and to make absolutely sure that I told themall, absolutely all, that was in my heart.
43
AT THIS INTERSECT
I am here.At this intersect.A particular spot.Between time and place.Waiting.Our known universe,13.7 billion years old,93 billion light years to traverse.Our own galaxy with its 200+ billionstars and a diameter of 90,000light years.Within our own solar system born 4.6 billion years ago.Residing on planet earth, 93million miles from our sun, one of6+ billion people.Western Hemisphere, North America, USA.Latitude 42.980, longitude 78.735.My own ancestors dispersed fromIsrael about 2600 years ago, eventually forced to settle in what became Poland, the Ukraine and Latvia.Arriving in New York City 106 years ago.I, myself, came to this location about50 years ago.I am now sitting here, with that backdrop,remembering how I got here.At this intersect of time and place.Waiting for you.Hoping that you will arrive, soon.
44
YOUR PERMISSION?
I need your permission.To take up residence.On your cheek, perhaps.Maybe as a freckle or abeauty mark.You won’t even know thatI’m there.I promise.Only for a day or two.I want to see what you see.Experience what youexperience.To also feel the warmth ofthe sun, the cooling of thewind on your cheek.To observe, to feel, totry and know.More.About you.OK?
45
DOUBTS ABOUT LOVE
I’m not sure.Maybe I’m beginning tohave some doubts about love.No, not about seeking it, or fullyenjoying it when blessed withthe opportunity to have it.But, the probability that it lasts,can be fully sustained, constantlysatisfying, fulfilling, evenexceeding your expectations.Is it just a cloudy day or am I changing from being a romantic to a realist?It would be too bad for that.
46
AH, DESSERT!!
It is fascinating to watch.Mesmerizing, erotic actually.Because the same way she’s enjoying her food, her dessert, reminds me of how she seems to enjoy me.I can’t take my eyes off of the performance.First, her delicious lips seem to move in slow graceful motion as her tonguedelicately moistens them in preparation.Her eyes joyously watch in eager anticipation as the spoon delivers its sweet gift.She lingers, time suspended a bit, inhaling the aroma as the heavenly morsel arrives.When the lucky spoon is removed she takesher tongue and licks the spoon clean. There is an intake breath of delight, followedby an audible sigh of pleasure, ended by a faint smile of utter contentment to her inner self.Oooooo.........That lucky dessert!
47
TIME’S HARVEST
I am Time’s harvest.My moments stored away in its granary.For purposes never made quite clear.I can’t recall all of the plantings, the fields beingtilled, but in sum the experience has beenabsolutely wondrous.I’ve used my best judgment, since youcan never be sure what it is Time wants.My fields now seem smaller, no longerrolling beyond a far horizon.However, I do still feel the hope and promise that the sun’s warmth and the sky’s rain bring, and am grateful for itsince I always thought at this point that hope would fade.
48
THE FAILURE TO PROTECT
I don’t remember precisely why, at thatvery moment, I showed you my heart, andoffered it to you so willingly.I then asked for yours, and you gave it to me so eagerly.While all our expectations weren’t stated,we clearly understood the nature of our bond, the dimensions of the promise.We knew to always protect and sharewhat was most vulnerable in the other.That we were placing somethings that were essential of our selves in the other.To make us one, to keep our love sacred.There was never ambiguity about trust,about obligation.How then was it so easy to break thepromise, violate the trust, fail to protect whatwas so vulnerable?I just don’t understand.
49
YOU WILL NOT BE CONSUMED
Oh, don’t worry, be assured.No, you will not be consumed by it.Love, that is.And, you will not be diminished by yielding to its power.So, don’t be so stingy, parsimonious,with the giving.Seize the opportunities, take the time.It can be constantly renewing withthe right other.Remember that the possibility of loveis there, within you, as life’s mostmagical gift.But that potential, if not shared, can wither and disappear forever.Be alert, pay attention.Because, sometimes, there is only onegood chance in a lifetime.
50
OBSERVER OR PARTICIPANT
Do you ever feel as though you’rean outside observer to your own life?A bit strange isn’t it?You do realize, don’t you, that it’snot supposed to be like that?Just watching as your life goes by.The things that you prefer and wantto happen that don’t.You’d like to adjust, alter, make changes, but can’t seem to sinceyou’re not a participant.Sometimes then you just have toscream, ‘stop!!’, and take charge.Step out of the shadows.Yes, go ahead.Bring forward a new light to showthe way.Act!!Whose life is it anyway?
51
A TURNSTILE
Do you ever feel as though yourlife is a turnstile, a revolving door?Some things always leaving.New things arriving.It seems that much of life just is that way.Perhaps to enjoy life more fully you haveto learn to more easily let go as youembrace with enthusiasm that which comes next.Yes, let’s try it.
52
53
Five
54
UNTETHERED
What if gravity didn’t always work?That sometimes you weren’ttethered to the ground.That occasionally you couldactually float up.What is it you might want to do?Catch a ride with the wind?Hold onto some clouds and glidealong lazily on a summer day?Play tag with the sparrows?Go south with the geese?Tap dance on the stars?Slide down a rainbow perhaps?Just what might it be?Because, you never know.
55
AT THE CROSSROAD
Have you ever found yourselfstanding there all alone, at acrossroad, with all the trafficof your life whizzing by?Knowing that you are in a placeof danger.So very confused, bewildered,wondering, ‘how did I get here,where do I go?’With no one to ask, without aclue to the answer?Yeah, me too.
56
WHAT I LOST
I lost something that day.Hard to say exactly whatit was.But it was important, veryimportant.I think it was part of mygyroscope.I was destabilized a bit.A certain absolute confidenceabout the future.That there might be much ofone for me.What it might be like.Life now more about ambiguitythan certainty.The length and clarity of mypath now unknown.
57
SEARCHING
I am out here, theresomewhere.Wrapped tightly in the black cloth of the night.Embraced by it.Indistinguishable from it.Part of it.Unseen.Not sure where I beginand it continues.Searching.But, not sure for what exactly.For meaning, surely.For you, always.But, for what else?I’m not really sure.Wish I knew.Or do I?
58
KEEP THEM SAFE
Take these words and keepthem safe.They are yours, only yours.These words are my greatest treasure.A gift of true valuethat is only mine to give.Keep them close, as youmight me.Know where they always are,know where they can be found.Return them should they beno longer wanted.These words are -----‘I love you.’
59
ALONG THE SHORE
Imagine for a moment that youare floating down your own river.As it meanders past your life.All that you pass on shore isyour own past, everything.Now you’re watching, tosee where you’ve been, whatyou’ve done and not done.Imagine that you have just five places along the shorewhere you could stop.Not to change anything, but torelive it exactly.Where would you stop?Why there?
60
MY THINGS
So frustrating.Those personal things thatI want to find, but can’t.I know they’re there, someplace.These things that are part ofmy story.That I need to have, to see again, to then pass on,so that I can feel completed.I wish these things could speak,call out to me, to tell me exactly where I can find them.Pictures, documents, personal‘effects’, the tangible thingsthat verify, ‘I was here’.I need them revealed, in my hands, to hold once again.My story.It’s an essential portion ofwhat one really has and leaves.Isn’t it?
61
AN ACKNOWLEDGMENT
No, I do not expect a response.No, I do not require one, butwould prefer it.Occasionally, at least.Because honestly, it does matter to me.A real acknowledgment wouldbe nice.Some sort of thoughtfulreciprocation.That you saw, heard, agree or disagree, like or dislike.That perhaps there is somemeaning there for you.Maybe something that youmight even treasure.
62
I SEE IT, LOVE IT
I see it, loved it.Your vulnerability, how delicatelyfeminine and almost fragile you are.Your sweetness and warm affection.I think most others only see what youallow them - your strength,competence and toughness.For me your beauty is actually soft,tender, graceful, even though I know thatyou’d think such words belonged tosomeone else, but not you.And you might be surprised how your bareflesh continues to hold such mysteryand arouse such desire for me.Yes. Now come closer.
63
BELOW THE SURFACE
There is so much there.Far more than we can imagine.Yes, there, just below that vastpristine mountain lake known asyour consciousness.Think about the complexity, the inventiveness of your dreams.What, you think they’re a podcastfrom an iPod?!What about the knowledge, thememories that emerge up duringthe course of your day?What, you think someone hasimplanted an advanced, not yetreleased PC or Mac?!And, there are no wires, chips,uploads, downloads, batteries, etc.Realize how truly unique and specialyou really are.Go ahead, roll up your sleeves,reach below the cool, clear, surfaceof that lake and find those thoughts,ideas, words that can make yourlife, and the life of the others youcare about even better.Yes, sure, right now!!
64
65
Six
66
WAS I EVER YOUNGER?
Was I ever really younger than I am now?Was my skin really firm, moist, without blemish?Was I ever able to see, to hear without assistance?Did I ever have full balance, able to get up and walk without pain or stiffness?Sleep through the whole night?Be unconcerned about the inevitable progression of time?Strange, I no longer remember being young like that, but still perceive myself to be unchanged.How can that be?
67
THE END OF LOVE
I must banish this consuming desire that can no longer be fulfilled.Tear the need out by its roots.Shut off this fountainhead of caring and remembrance.To regain my balance.To see my world as foreground not background rather than how it now appears.Please, may I be made blind to the memory of her beauty, deaf to the fading echoes of her sweet endearments, mute to her response or lack of one.Can’t I put an end to all of this?Oh yes, I will.But when?
68
CAUGHT IN YIN AND YANG
There are those impossiblyfrustrating moments.When what you want and need is there and available, but circumstances make it not obtainable.When desire says ‘yes’, but decorum says ‘no’.When you are struggling so in the same moment to both exert control and to relieve tension.Caught in the yin and yang of denial and pleasure.Maybe next time.
69
SUMMER DRIFTING
Well, here I am.Enjoying this day.And, why not?Alone, peaceful, in abeautiful park.Everything and everyoneseems in harmony.The flowers are open, smiling,sweetening the air.The trees, the grasses, areswaying and nodding to mein full agreement.The children are laughing,happy as they should be.I lean back, the sun warmingmy face, as I start to drift intoan hypnotic summer haze.I sense your presence, evenfrom this distance.Content, my eyes close as I float into your waiting arms.
70
ABOVE THE FOG, BELOW THE CLOUDS
I am now out of sight, but close.Just there, above the fog, below the clouds.In between.A place to wait in anticipation.The comfort and beauty of the sun and moon above are close, calling out to me, as you are.The miracles of the lush green and blue of the land and sea below beckons, as you do.All the while we are distant, know that Iam always much closer than you imagine.Yes, just there, above the fog, belowthe clouds.
71
WHAT IF?
What if we never saw each other again?Things like that do happen.What if our last glimpse was just now, as you were leaving, as you turned, gave me that huge smile, blew that kiss, and mouthed those three words,‘I love you’?That sweet moment that I am nowreplaying in the slowest motion,and wondering.......what if?
72
CAN I OUTLIVE ME?
I had this flash of a thought,‘can I outlive me’?But, what exactly did I mean?Does that ever happen to you?You know, an interesting butcryptic thought pops into yourawareness, and then you musttry and figure it out.Perhaps this one means to liveto an age, and in a way, that istotally unexpected.Or, maybe, it’s to find ways forthe ‘essence’ of whatever isme, my values, work, ideas,my place in the hearts of those I love, to live beyond,well, the real live me.Sure, why not try to ‘outlive me’.I mean, what do I have to lose?
73
NEVER REJECT HOPE
Why reject hope?Even when you might haveevery right to do so.Even when others do.Even as time whithers andcircumstances erode reasonsfor optimism.Better to believe that sometrace of light, a fragment ofenlightenment might appear.Better to have a continuedclarity of purpose and direction,and an unshakable belief in the possibilities of life.
74
WHEN TO LOVE, WHO TO LOVE
Somebody, please tell me.Someone who is unequivocally wise and all knowing.How to be certain.To solve these mysteries.When to love, when not to love, and, who to love, who not to love.You’d think it might be crystal clear instead of dense and murky.A heart can get really hurt in allthe confusion.So, knowing would be a reallygood thing.With no ambiguity.So, please, what are the answers?
75
LET YOUR LIFE LIVE
Just what is it that everyone seemsto be afraid of losing?So many cautions that seem to freezethe actual doing.An aversion to act.Is it the possibility of the loss of face,the harsh judgment others might make?Understandable if it were about health, safety, or the continuation of life.But it’s especially puzzling when it’sclear that the action is a good thing,both for oneself and even others.Like love.Or is it a free-floating anxiety, a vaguepremonition that things just won’t goright, therefore, don’t act?A fear of really living.So, embrace life, encourage it, act,stroke its cheek, feel its warmth.Go ahead, let your life live a bit.
76
77
Seven
78
LASTING TRACKS
In what now remains of my future,I want to follow my own path.One always covered with fresh,undisturbed snow.Where I can leave deep, indelible,lasting tracks.Of meaning for me, and others.One where every step, everymoment, is a fond remembrance.
79
MOONLIGHT DESIRE
I love seeing younaked in the moonlight.Monochromatic lush.The image imprinted.Your fleshtone auracreating this intense,magnetic desirethat must be fulfilled.Some sort of moonmagic, I guess.Your erotic curvesleading to everywhere.And, I must follow them.Shadows barely cloakinghidden treasures that Imust discover.Mmm... tonight’s a full moon.
80
FAITH IN MY HOPE
I’ll be patient.I will wait for the return of your affection and the certainjoy that will follow.No matter how long.Well, almost.I have faith in my hope.Even though it seems a bitbleak, I know there is a sliver of light somewhere in the fold of the unseen shadows that willseek me out.This is not an endless void, but an extended night with a dawn just beyond the horizon.And, if you listen so very carefully,you’ll know that the quiet isn’tsilence.For our hearts always hear thebeat and call of its forever other.Always.
81
YOUNG AGAIN?
Tell me.Would you want to beyoung again?To start over if youhad the choice.To be, let’s say ten years old.But without knowing what, orwho, you now know.Everything after ten erased.A fresh start. Or pick whatever youngerage you want, but with thesame terms.Do you think in your ‘re-life’you would make similar choices, take a different path?Or would you prefer to just‘play out your time’ as it now remains?Tell me, which is it?
82
ALWAYS TRACES
There are always traces.While the lipstick from yourkiss, the scent from yourfragrance, the warmth fromyour touch, the sound of yourwords, the pleasure of yourlook, and the results of ourpassion may fade and disappear on the outside,their inner imprint and memoryremains embedded here, inmy heart.Yes, there are always traces.
83
BECAUSE
I must write these wordsand share them now.Before I begin to forget.Because I think that’s possible.Before time runs out.Because I think it might.Before events must be altered.Because I don’t know if I can.So that you will now know the truth.Because you must.I do love you, but Ifear that I may lose my grasp on it.Because I doubt that I can hold on forever without more. The real, complete love that I requireneeds to be nurtured, regularlyreinforced, reciprocated.It only thrives when paired withits full reciprocal.
84
PROTECT THE THREAD
I have to always protect it.To make sure it never tears.This thread that constantly windsits way through my life.Connecting everything.Forever linking what was, withwhat is, with what will be.No discontinuity.Everything linked together.The thread, often unseen,is always there, and must beforever protected.
85
JUST LIKE THAT!
It’s so tough to get them just right.The exact way you intend it.Words can get twisted so easily.And sometimes you can wringall meaning from them bysaying either too much ornot enough.Then there are these creases in some words that are so hard to straighten.Other words need a reflective surface but only seem to absorbthe offered light.The surface of some are just tooslick and slippery, so easy to fall on them.Others too sharp or too dull.So sometimes simple and directis the best way.‘I love you now and will forever.’Yes, just like that!
86
IMPROBABLE LIVES
How do we come to lead suchimprobable lives?Are events so random?Does serendipity or chaos playso much of a larger role than weare capable of imagining?Aren’t you just a little surprised athow things have, or are turning out?Think of your own particulars now.What odds would you have given that your life would be the exact, or a closely similar life to the oneyou now have?Given that, how can we really predict what lies ahead?And yet, most believe that the trajectory of their lives is carefullyplanned, purposeful, predictable.Hah!!Is it that we want to, or need to believethat our existence is ordered, preformed?Must be.
87
IGNORE THE TRUTH?
Why ignore the truth?Especially about yourself.Although, we all do.Maybe though, that approach isn’t really helpful.Of course, that depends onyour aspirations for being thebest you can be, and having thebest life possible.It’s quite easy to self-deceive,dissemble, pretend, mislead.But, to what useful end?There are all sorts of prisms ofdistortion through which one canchoose to view the daily fluxof their own personal reality show.At some point though don’t youjust have to ask yourself, ‘howmuch fiction is helpful?’I mean, we’re not characters in another person’s novel or play.It’s our very own, one performanceonly, autobiographical documentarywe’re talking about.I don’t suggest abandoning or evendiminishing the presence of hope or avoiding those truths that will do more harm than good.Just an abundance of honest,constructive, reflective, objectivity.
88
89
Eight
90
WHERE WILL YOU FIND ME?
Now that I’m gone, wherewill you find me?Most certainly in your memories, in my poems,in your heart.In the remains of my works,and in their effects.In the pictures.In the bits of me now in you.But no, not in that box, nor inthat dirt and stone.No, never there.Not me at the end, only me before.Promise me that.I am now simply part of theharvest of what was.But you are still part of theseed of what can be.Please, cherish and neverneglect that gift.And know that my love foryou will never disappear.
91
ONLY THE PRELUDE
I love to watch her move.Spellbound, actually.I’m at rapt attention.A love reflex.So many delicious partsto follow, each competingfor my attention.The urges they create.The desire.I don’t think she really knows, understands.I have no choice.Looking away, impossible.I am compelled.It is required sustenance for me.I study, admire, marvelat what I see.Of course, the watchingis only a prelude to thetouching that follows.I hope.
92
LOSING YOUR WAY?
How is it possible to just‘lose your way’?To forget your intent, yourhopes, your purpose,your dreams.What you love, who youlove, and why.Even the whole intended trajectory of your life.How can such a thing happen?I mean, it’s not like misplacingyour keys, or something just‘slipping your mind’.Is it?
93
MUCH MORE THAN ENOUGH
I can now just see the top halfof my window as I lie in bed.It’s my first look at this next day.Spring is in the foreground, beforeits time.Every tree and bush has theirbuds opening, greeting themorning’s warmth and what the newseason promises.In counterpoint, there is a harsh winter sky, clouds dark grey andsilver moving northeast and fast, with wide streaks of blue peekingthrough.A day with an identity problem.I begin to wonder, what will thegift of today be?Because every day does haveat least one.Each day and each gift is a specialtreasure.My hope, my wish, is that today’sgift will be to hold your hand, hearyour voice, see the love you havefor me in your eyes, and feel mylips on yours.Yes, that would, indeed, be muchmore than enough for any day.
94
THE VENEER
Just who are they?I see them everywhere.They seek to exist only atthe surface of things.They are the veneer, theironly concern being theirown veneer.They don’t engage in the body of all life, and don’tseem to care.Except for themselves,that is.They wait impatiently fortheir own pleasures.What is it to me anyway?Let them sleepwalkthrough life.Let them be vacuousvacuums.Let the rest of us be with purpose, to see beyondsurfaces, to where our hearts need to be, over there, whereit’s cold, dark, unseen, alone,where there is a difference tobe made in the lives of others.
95
WORDS BUMPING AND TRIPPING
It is so hard to say just whatyou mean sometimes.Words keep bumpinginto each other, tripping outof your mouth.They don’t seem to know who they are or where theyare supposed to go exactly.Confused.There sometimes is this vastchasm between the knowingwhat you want to say and the doing of it.So, it’s probably best to keepit as simple and direct, on point, as is possible.
96
THE FINAL QUEUE
They are queuing up.The mourners.Each waiting their turn.To shovel some dirt.Offering their last respects.Taking their portion tohelp bury me deep.For some finality.The ‘amen’ of Kaddish,and I begin to disappear.Memory of me quicklybegins to seep deep intomy fresh grave, day by day,until nothing, nothing, remains.
97
A LOVE ARCHEOLOGIST
I’m now a love archeologist.Looking for artifacts, remembrancesof our times together.Gathering the evidence, things fromwritings, pictures, clothing, notes,anything offering information aboutthe past of us.I’m gathering it all together.Wanting to document and tell our story.About our so wonderful love.Now increasingly made of memories as time withers.
98
IN GRATITUDE
I offer thankful gratitude for the strength, humanity, wisdom,joyfulness, cordiality of my spirit.This essence, defining, unique,distinguishing characteristic that is me.Not sure who or what should take credit for its ever presence, or howexactly it was implanted, grew, flourished.And I don’t remember purposelyconstructing and designing it.It surely has been a wondrous companionand guide for, and through, my life.Providing a balance of admirablechoices, while pointing the way that I’ve, thankfully, mostly followed.
99
A PROMISE FULFILLED
Are you a promise fulfilled?Well, at least to yourself.Have you done what you set out to do with your life?Have you exceeded, or failedto meet, your own expectations?Should you have set your sightshigher or differently?It’s not too late yet, there is still time.For new promises to be made to yourself and others, and to be kept.With a bit more time, focus, andthe will to do so, you just mightget there.
100
101
Nine
102
THE MOMENT
There is this moment in timewhen you first realize, with absolute clarity, that you are no longer, and will never again be, who you were.You’ve crossed over withouta return ticket.The changes are irreversible,your denouement the destination.All that’s left is setting the date.A moment of overwhelming,overpowering melancholy.
103
MY LOVE SPACE
Our pheromones so happily meet at the door.A prelude to all intimacies.Then I seem to disappear.As we begin to love a very different state of awareness takes firm hold.Where is it that I go?I mean, here inside me.It’s some hidden, special,treasured place.There in my deeplyembedded neural network.Where the physical and emotional are being fused,where intimacy and trustflower.Where the wellspring ofpleasure, happiness andcontentment is found.My love space.
104
GOOD ENOUGH?
Can we ever be good enough for the ones we love?Probably not.They might think we are, but it’sunlikely we’ll believe it.Maybe that’s a good thing.You know, the way it should be.Then we’re always trying, striving to be better, and yet still betterfor them.To bring them more happiness,to make the bond stronger,more resilient.And, because their joy is alsothe main source of ours.
105
EVERY MORNING
Every morning I imagineendings and beginnings.About my life.Stories, thoughts, fiction,non-fiction.Anticipating, reflecting,musing.Can’t help it.I want to know what mightoccur before it does,regardless of its likelihood.A preview of sorts.Sometimes, I imagine the worst.Makes for better drama.Usually, it’s the best thathappens.Tomorrow morning thedaily cycle will begin again.Can’t wait.
106
LOVE AND DEATH
I’ve had this belief, this foreboding, that somehowthe end or interruption of lovebrings one closer to death.That love, and its close companion hope, help to keep death at arms length.That they create a temporaryimmunity, a protection, a purpose that compels life to continue.And with love gone, theGrim Reaper knows whereyou are.
107
THE CALL OF THE SIRENS
How did Odysseus resist?The call of the Sirens toavoid being destroyed.Because, maybe there’s alesson there for me, justin case.In case sometime in the future I need to stop this uncontrollable imperative to be drawn to your ‘call’.Not that I really want to stop,but the ‘call’ does make me obsessive and confused.Oh yes, I remember, Odysseus orderedhis men to plug his ears with waxand strap him to the ship’s mast.Mmm, sure, that might work.
108
WE CAN ALWAYS USE HOPE
Love is too complicated.So much is in the eye of the beholder.Where is the line betweenreality and imagination, reality and wishes?What for one might be just a pleasant lunch with an acquaintance, for the other is a rendezvous with love potential.What for one is a friendly ‘goodmorning, hello, how are you?’, forthe other is, ‘he really, reallycares about me.’Yes, you do know what I mean.It’s just not possible to know thefull intentions of the other, whatexactly is their meaning of words,where the boundary then is betweenones hopeful fantasy and stark reality.Could be that’s a good thing sometimes,I guess.After all, we can always use hope.
109
PLEASE, TAKE ME WITH YOU
Please, take me with you.Whenever, wherever it is youmight go.Even when I’m not there.Always carry me in your heart.Whisper to me in the night.Let me feel the stroke of yourcaress, the taste of your kiss.Hold me fast in the awakeningwarmth of the morning.Imagine us there, together.Listen for my words of love.Remember our times and smile.Just don’t let me slip away.
110
LOVE LOST
Think of what you’ve lost.Lost by witholding the love you so want and need to share.Think of what your other has lost.All the happiness, pleasure, joy,satisfaction, in the giving and receiving.For what, to what end?Love exists to be shared, not depositedinto a bank where it can never be withdrawn.How many lives do you think you have anyway?How much time do you really know is left?Probably far far less than you think.What possibly could be a good reason?What, for spite, indefensible caution, doubtabout reciprocation, momentary fatigue,some other free-floating concern, anxiety?These excuses pale in comparison to what isbeing lost.Don’t be a fool, a Love Scrooge, who will onlyonly be empty with sad regrets.
111
WHAT I NEED
I don’t need you to just love me.I need you to love me and towant me.All of the time.As I do you.Yes, both loved and desired.Anytime, all of the time.
112
113
Ten
114
NO, YOU WILL NOT FIND ME
No matter where you look,you will not find me.No matter what you test,measure, examine, observe.I’m not what you can touch,see or analyze.Even if you could translate myencoded electrochemical neuroactivity, synapse bysynapse, you still would not know.I am all of, and none of, the sumand the parts.Even if you could gather allpossible information and inputs,it might only be an approximationof the ‘was’ me, not the ‘now’ me,or the ‘to be’ me.I’m not a static, constant thing.I’m continually changing,evolving,devolving, even mutating occasionally.Different than before, differentthan whatever is next.No, you will not find me.
115
WHY DO WE HOLD BACK?
Why do we hold back?From saying what is in our hearts.From saying what is on our minds.To each other.Are you aware, do you notice?I don’t mean to imply that it maybe wrong.Just that it might be good to reflect on the ‘why’.Surely we are always editingwhat it is we say.We want the words to have theirintended meaning.And, not everything that is insideus has to become external or wewould only have time for talking and not listening.Still, you can’t help but wonder,why is it that we do hold back?
116
NIGHT OF THE FULL MOONS
I long to hear that tune again.The one from the night of the full moons.The one that I now miss so much.The one that called out to my heart.The one that I dared not resist.The one that I would always humat both the first and the last light.The one delivered from your lips.The one heard under a night’sblanket of crystal lights.The one that sometimes slips from memory.But, how could that be?So, please, come close, closer,and whisper that tune once again,and again, and again, and............forever.
117
YES, THERE IS EVIL
Oh yes, there is evil.It is out there.Go, turn and face the wind.You will smell its stench.If you search in the darkcorners you will see itsface, its bestial ugliness,barely hidden.It waits.For its moment.To inflict pain, sadness,and suffering.Beware.
118
WE NEED DOUBT, WE NEED UNCERTAINTY
Imagine, each and every day, you awakewith unambiguous clarity of purpose.Knowing exactly what you want to do, whatyou’re going to do, what you will accomplish,that you will fulfill your purpose, have allthat you might want.Yes, every day.No struggle, no uncertainty, no doubt, andno serendipity.Everything completely predictable, knownin advance, fulfilled.I wonder whether true love, wonder, joy, andhappiness could exist in that world.While we don’t like being without, or beingthe occasional prisoner of uncertainty anddoubt, I think that both probably are necessaryfor having, appreciating, and enjoying life’smost special treasures.So, what do you think?
119
ME?
Wait, that can’t be me.I know me, and that isn’t it.I’d remember, wouldn’t I?I’d be able to tell with absolute certainty.I couldn’t have changedthat much.I mean, it’s just too different.But, anything is possible,I guess.They say it’s me, but maybethey’re confusing me withsomeone else.I’d know better than anyone,wouldn’t I?Sure, things change overtime, but not like that.Or do they?
120
SEE THE HEAVENS FILL
Do you ever take the time?Time to watch the wonder.The grandeur.A reminder of how lucky you are.Well, why don’t you?Yes, tonight.Go ahead, take a chair outside.Just before the sun is about torotate down below the horizon.Keep your eyes on the sky.Watch all of the spectacularmajesty of daytime disappearing.Then, the magnificence of thearrival of nighttime.Now, sit for awhile longer andsee the heavens fill.Really something, isn’t it?
121
SCATTERED
The wind was sudden, unexpected,ferocious, merciless.Blowing my words and thoughts everywhere.They were scattered, swirling about.I couldn’t gather them up, no matterhow hard I tried.Scraps that could not be sewn orpieced together.To make things coherent.To say and write what I had to express.Moments, days, things can sometimesbe like that.There are forces and events that justcan’t be foreseen.Sometimes the only way forward isto make a fresh start.But, how do you know whenand where to start?
122
THANKFUL WONDER
I wonder what others see.Do they see all of the beautythat is around them?I confess to being constantlyoverwhelmed by what I see.Sometimes, it brings me to thevery brink of tears of thankfulwonder.The purity, innocence, hopeand expectation in the facesof infants and children.The soft, so delicate perfectionof a flower petal, the arc andrhythmic movement of treebranches in the wind.The varying and emotive pastelcolors embedded in evershapechanging clouds at eachsunrise and sunset.And the playful sparkle your emerald eyes create fromreflected light, the erotic curvesof your neck, shoulders and backas you lean into me.All this and so much, so much, more.
123
PLEASE, MORE SILENCE
Is it real conversation I’m hearing oris it just noise?Are they communicating or only‘flapping their gums’?I’m referring to both actual talkingand the texting.So much of it, too much of it.Doesn’t anyone, anymore, know aboutthe benefits of silence?Time to reflect, take stock, consider,develop a point of view, do somelife planning.Perhaps spend more time in physicalintimacy, touching, holding, smiling,laughing, even frowning, but in silence.Maybe some time alone to get to knowoneself better.To think, to contemplate, to wonder,to formulate ideas.However, it doesn’t seem that this notionof reflective silence has much appealto most.Are people actually afraid to be by themselves, to ‘talk’ to themselves?
124
125
Eleven
126
MY SHADOW
Night is approaching.My shadow furtivelyslips away.I’ve noticed how at dusk hewaits impatiently to mergewith the coming darkness.This night I decide to follow.It’s not that easy, but I amdetermined.I follow around corners, upstreets, through gardens.A full moon and emergingstars help me to see.My shadow is unaware thatI follow.Finally, he seems to havereached his destination.Well, I shouldn’t be surprised,but am, nonetheless, peculiarlyenvious.He coils around, and soenthusiastically melds with theobject of his intense affection.Your shadow.
127
THE BEAST WITHIN
Sometimes, especially when weare close, don’t be misled by myapparently calm demeanor.For beneath, there is a fiercestruggle.To control a burning lust.A raging battle is underway tostrap down this carnal desire.You are as a feast before me,and my hunger seems as thoughit has been unmet for weeks.So, be careful about encouragingthis beast within.Because you just might get exactlywhat you are wishing for.
128
NO, NOT IN A MOMENT
A thoughtless word, anawkward pause, a silencemisjudged.Creating unintendedemotional distance.Bonds of worth are built overtime, brick by brick.They are neither destroyednor constructed in a moment.
129
A POET?
A knowledgeable friend, who has read my poems, recently called me a ‘poet’.But, am I really a ‘poet’?It sounds lofty, implying a talent and skill, a gift of artistry, that I don’t recognize in myself.Coming to the activity later in life, with littlebackground and experience, I just can’tseem to affix the ‘poet’ label to my lapel.However, that’s not what really matters.What is are the words that I’ve fastenedtogether to express thoughts and feelingsthat I would like some others to read.Yes, to be read, that’s it.By some who I know, and others who I don’t.For them, hopefully, to discover something of personal meaning and perceived value for themselves.To have taken time for reflection, with someenriching consequence for their lives.Yes, that’s the result that I seek.
130
THAT FIRST DAY AND AFTER
It must have been deeply imprinted,embedded within me, then, that first day.I must have felt their adoring kisses,tasted her milk’s sweetness, known love.On that first day I must have seen thesun, felt its warmth and promise, listenedto my parents’ whispers for the me tocome, known hope.On that first day I must have heard theirlaughter, seen their smiles, known happiness.On that first day I must have been heldso very close, so tenderly, known caring.Everything, everything, I needed to know-------- love, hope, happiness, caring --------I was taught by them on that first day andevery day after.
131
THIS PICTURE
I’m sitting here, holdingthis picture of you.Wondering, what it is thatI see, and what it is I feel.It’s from long ago.You look gorgeous,beautiful, as you do now,but different.A moment that was ours.You are smiling, radiant.It really, really pleases me.To see and remember you so very happy.
132
HOPE AND PROMISE
Sometimes I can feel it.As the air seems to fill withthe prospect of hope andpromise.A strange, but exhilarating sensation.No, not clairvoyance or aconcrete message delivered from one of the usual senses.It’s almost tangible, but notquite.Similar, but special.A very desired expectationthat will soon be realized.A heightened awareness,anticipation of its probability.A reward, reinforcement foryour unshakable belief iscoming.That good and desired thingswill happen.That hope and promise are,and will be, fulfilled.
133
THE PITY OF IT
Aye, the pity of it!Most don’t hear theuniversal calling, ordo hear, but don’t care.Its insistent, persistentvoice through all ages,all times.Because of the needthat’s always been there,will always be there.The need to help others.We’re needed you know.To help the many whocircumstances have deprived.That’s true enough.Too bad, too manyhave a tin ear, and don’thear the call.Aye, the pity of it!
134
NOW WHAT?
Ah, you’re in love.Well, it certainly seemsthat way.You plunge forward,headlong into the stormof passion and beyond.It envelops you, totally.You’re wrapped so tightlyin its arms.It holds you fast.You revel in your goodfortune.The happiness, theecstasy it brings.A little time passes.It’s wonderful.After awhile, you takea breather.You lift your head up.Have a look around.And then, you askyourself two questions:-’Just where am I?!’- ‘Now what?’
135
CHERISH THE UNFATHOMABLE
How little we really know.How little we really understand.So many penetrating mysteries.Unfathomables.That will always, forever, be there.Some insist on the creation of fablesto explain the unexplainable.Superstitions, rituals, invented with a claimthey originate from the ‘source’, and arethe one and only truth.So many, too many, blindly follow theseself-proclaimed authorities who assertthat they speak for, represent, the ‘source’.But what is beyond the beyond?What grand collective purpose is thereto our lives, our existence?Important questions to be seriously considered.However, why not be satisfied with dwellingon the question, knowing there is no final answer?That the unknowable can’t be known.Without accepting easy, convenient answers,simply because that’s what others believe.Without allowing oneself to conform tooutlandish, ritualistic answers that create an ‘us’and a ‘them’, and the hate filled insistence thatonly ‘we’ can be right?Beware of absolutes and their vendors.Cherish the unknowable.
136
137
Twelve
138
FORGIVENESS?!
Born into abject poverty.A life of constant struggle,torment, hardship.Each day, every day.Working from before dawnto after dusk.Just for food, clean water,basic sanitation, a roof,school for his children,access to health care, hope.He prays to God.Asking for forgiveness forwhatever it is that causes himto have this life, this misfortune.But, why should this man beasking for forgiveness?!It should be God asking thisman for forgiveness!!For His thoughtlessnessand cruelty.Let them exchange placesfor a bit.Amen.
139
LIFE IN RETROGRADE
Lately, I seem to be caught insome kind of weird time warp.With every step forward, it seems that life moves backward.With each tick of the clock,time recedes.That the only future seems to bethe past.And, what first appeared ahead,turns out to be behind.It is life in retrograde.Well, I guess, perhaps, maybe,sometimes, the certainty of beingback where you were may bebetter than what may, or may not,lie ahead.Could be.
140
LOVE MATTER
When we are close, really close,I feel porous, permeable.As though I’m both absorbing you,and a torrent rushing to you.That our ‘love matter’ is in rapid flow.That we are freely seeping into eachother across steep gradients.And, as it is happening, all of oursenses are on highest alert, to shareand experience the wonder.
141
SLIPPING THROUGH
If you don’t pay careful attentionthings can slip right throughyour fingers.Things that you really want tohave, to hold onto.Simple things like good moments lost, or more importantthings like the opportunity forhappiness that disappear.And, of course, even a wholelifetime can just vanish.Not paying attention, a failure of will, a naive belief that whatever is missed can laterbe found.But mostly what slips away islost forever.Time is unforgiving.There really are few, or even no, second chances.
142
WHAT TO MAKE OF IT?
I’m not sure what to make of it.Not certain I know what it means.There are important lessons here,but it’s not clear what they are.Young teenagers, HIV/AIDS orphans in remote, rural Africa.I’ve met them.Sweet, thoughtful, hard working,unspoiled, hopeful, purposeful.Is that how one would describeour advantaged Western teens?No?Well, why is that?
143
JUST OUT OF VIEW
Sometimes, it may seem that your other’sheart is just out of view.Indistinct beyond a gatheringmist, out of reach around an everbending curve, obscured by asun blinding haze, indefinable ina late afternoon’s dimming light,blurred by seemingly ambiguous movements, waiting behind an opaque curtain.Teasing, purposeful or unintentional,or just a lack of acumen on your part?So vexing to try and figure out.Maybe one can only truly know one’s own heart.
144
KEEPING COUNT
I’ve started to count.To keep track.Of the weeks, of the days.Of just how many, hopefully, are left.I guess some would say, ‘isn’tthat a bit morbid?’, or ‘you never know’.Perhaps, but I want to try andwaste less time, to pay closer attention.To each day.To make sure that I’m a bettercustodian of my own time.That I’m more conscious of thechoices to be made.Because what is missed, is gone.Saying otherwise is a lie.The only time you have is what iswithin your own jar, and you can’tsteal or borrow more.Ok then, ‘five thousand, six........’ .
145
THE WIND AT YOUR BACK
Hope can whither from disuse,fade away, even disappear.It’s easy to forget to live your ownlife, the one you want, expect,dream of, hope for, rather thanthe one others want for you.Always remember just what it is you truly long for.Then find your wind, the one that is there only for you, and alwayskeep it at your back.
146
EVIDENCE
I search inside for it.I know it’s there.Evidence.Of our moments, especiallythe best, that they occurred.That it wasn’t some fabulousimagining, a conjuring,invented through dreams.But time sometimes wipesaway such traces.Memory blends, confuses,even creates.In the end only fragments,pieces of a few remain.That’s why each next togetheris so important.It is both a confirmation ofwhat can be, and a reminderof what was.
147
INEVITABLE
I can’t quell the depth of mydisappointment, the anger.But, I don’t know to whom, orto what, to direct it.I still can’t grasp that it will be,has to be, that I am powerlessto alter the finality.Of course, I understand the facts, the absoluteness, the indisputable reality.Acceptance of, expecting, yielding to, the inevitable, is what’s sensible.But, how could it really be, that I will cease to exist, andnot be with you forever?
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‘For our hearts always hear the beat and call of its forever other. Always.’
- Faith In My Hope
‘Even after sixty years on, I still long to play with my yellow truck, have my milk and cookies, want my mother’s warmth and my father’s time.’
- Time Changes Nothing
‘Look for things that are unknowable..........that can be explored but never discovered..........approached but never reached..........
touched but not fully grasped..........look.’
- Look For The Unknowable
‘When we are close, really close, I feel porous, permeable, as though I’m both absorbing you, and a torrent rushing to you.’
- Love Matter
‘Go ahead, fall in love. In love with who and what you are and still aspire to be..........Dream. Yes, dream.’
- Yes, Dream
‘I’m not a static, constant thing. I’m continually changing, evolving, devolving, even mutating occasionally.’
- No, You Will Not Find Me
‘..........the love that I require needs to be nurtured, regularly reinforced, reciprocated. It only thrives when paired with its full reciprocal.’
- Because
‘Everything, everything, I needed to know ---- love, hope, happiness, caring ---- I was taught by them on that first day and every day after.’
- That First Day And After
‘The amen of Kaddish, and I begin to disappear. Memory of me quickly begins to seep deep into my fresh grave, day by day, until nothing, nothing remains.’
- The Final Queue
‘I must always protect this thread that winds its way through my life........ connecting everything........forever linking what was, what is, with what will be’
- Protect The Thread
