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THREE SHORT VALENTINE'S DAY PLAYS

By

Dale Andersen27702 Crown Valley Parkway

Suite 117, D-4Ladera Ranch, CA 92694

(562) 508-5820http://www.linkedin.com/in/daleandersen

andersen.dale@gmail.com

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Table of Contents

The Half-Eaten Chilidog………………………………………………………………………Page 3

Thank You…………………………………………………………………………………………………………Page 13

Anniversary……………………………………………………………………………………………………Page 25

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THE HALF-EATEN CHILIDOG

Character Breakdown

She………………………………………female, twenty-somethingHe…………………………………………male, twenty-something

Synopsis

It's Valentine's Day and a woman on the rebound decides to run off to a cabin on a deserted beach to get away from men.

Technical Requirements

Mattress, table, 2 chairs, 2 matching keychains, 2 cellphones, attache case, overnight bag.

Note: Half-Eaten Chilidog had productions at the Chance Theatre in Anaheim, CA, and at Stages in Fullerton, CA.

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(SHE enters cabin Sets backpack on table Sits at tableGets comfortable by stages Begins writing letterSuddenly stopsThinks better of writing andInstead takes out her cell phoneShe dials and waits)

SHE:Hey! Happy Valentine's day!S’meYeah s’me againReally really me againReally really really me and guess what?I made it. I’m hereMade it all the wayI know I know what I saidHey, I know I rememberI know!Hey, I can change my mind, OK?Look, I know what I saidBut that was 20 minutes agoThat was a different phone call.That was thenThis is nowHey!New call, new rules.Janey.Janey.That was back at Der WienerschnitzelWhen I stopped to get a chilidogAnd I was thinkingGirlThere you go again. Another five poundsSee what happens?You dump your boyfriend And leave your workout groupThe bad habits come right back

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SHE(Cont):Like they never left.Well guess what?So I threw the chili dog awayHalf eatenHey!Half eaten doesn't count.No, it doesn't.Does not.Does not.JaneyJaneyStop it Janey.Janey.The important thing isI didn’t turn aroundAnd drive back And camp out In your living roomLike a big fraidy catI’m hereI am really really hereAnd it’s really Really kind ofI mean actually kind of not badI mean hey it’sNot Corona Del MarNot La Jolla. Not Newport BeachOr someplace out there with the Hoity toity rich and famousBut stillIt’s kinda coolKinda neatIn a blah kinda wayAnd I’m uhHello??Hello?Oops thought I lost you there, JaneyJaney, thanks so much for finding this place for me.You are the bestest best friend In the whole wide world and.What’s it like? You wanna know what it’s like here?Well uh the house is like uh nothing

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SHE(Cont):Just four walls and a mattress on the floorAnd a tableAnd two chairsWhat’s the word? Basic? Yeah basic. But nice.And the beach outside is kind of desertedI mean it's February and everybody’s goneWhen they say off season around hereEven the really smelly bums leaveSeriously reallyNot one hard male body in milesSo really it’s kinda really really peacefulI can breathe againNo Janey. Stop. JaneyDon’t you say thatDon’t you even think thatJaney noListen to meIt’s overWendell is over.Wendell is over, historyWhat I need what I need what I need nowWhat I need right now is a place with some spaceFor a soft landing.What I need is a week with no menNo no no!!Don’t you dare tell Wendell where I amIf you do, I’ll tell that pimply boy at Starbucks You want his baby. I swear I will, Janey.That’s better.Now be sure to thank Matthew for letting me stay hereWhat? Not Matthew? His name’s not Matthew? It’s Brett?Then why do I keep calling him Matthew?I mean Brett isn’t even close to Matthew.Blonde moment. Duh! Whatever.All I know is I don’t want to seeAny Toms, Dicks, Harrys, Wendells, Bretts Or Matthews. I don't want any reminders that it's Valentine's Day. That means no men. Not here. Not now.

(HE enters with an old beat up suitcase and an old beat up attaché case. HE is very surprised to see her, unpleasantly so)

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SHE(Cont):Uh Janey. Janey! A man just walked in. What? No, I’m not making things up. I’m telling you a man just walked in here. And he has a key and a suitcase.

(SHE holds up her key. HE holds up his key. They are exactly the same)

His key looks just like mine. Janey, this is not good. This is not good at all.

HE:(Glares, takes out cellphone and speedials)

Brett? Just got here. What the hell gives?

SHE:Janey, he’s calling that Brett guy.

HE:Who’s the chick?

SHE:I am trying to ignore him. But he’s loud. Really really loud.

HE:Oh right, her. Whaddaya mean, “Oh right, her?”

SHE:Oh oh. I just went from a chick to an “oh her.”

HE:You better have a game plan, dude.

SHE:Oh oh. Now they’re huddling.

HE:Negative. She can’t stay here. No way. I got the bar exam on Thursday. I need absolute quiet to study.

SHE:Uhhh Janey, did Brett actually like know I was coming?

HE:OK. So tell me this. Where’s she gonna sleep?

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SHE:Uhhhh. What do you mean, he uh kinda knew?

HE:No way. I’m not responsible. What if she gets pregnant?

SHE:(Holds up key)

So you’re saying this is Sheryl’s key?

HE:What if she has a disease?

SHE:Uhhh, Janey, just who exactly is Sheryl?

HE:Do you have insurance?

SHE:Sheryl’s his ex? Sheryl is Brett’s ex?

HE:All I know is, it’s your ass if - -

SHE:Do I know this Sheryl? Did I ever meet her?

HE:(Brandishes a signed contract)

Did she sign a contract?

SHE:Monica knows Sheryl???

HE:(Brandishes a deposit receipt)

Did she pay a deposit? Does she have a deposit receipt?

SHE:Who is Monica?

HE:It's an open-and-shut case. She has no legal standing.

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SHE:Monica’s in your Internet chat group??

HE:She’s a damn trespasser.

SHE:Monica’s in your cyber chat group???

HE:Move her ass out of here.

SHE:A cyber chat group???

HE:No! No way, man. It's not my job. You evict her.

SHE:Janey, do you like actually know these people?

HE:I know my rights.

SHE:You kinda know them.

HE:I know the law, dude.

SHE:And you kinda don’t know them.

HE:And when I finish with you, you’ll be eating dog food till the day you die.

SHE:Janey sweetie. Help me on this. Do you by any chance haveBrett’s phone number.

HE:Negative. I’m not telling her anything.

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SHE:(Writes number on paper)

Thanks, Janey. And tell Sheryl, Monica and the other cyberchatters hi.

HE:What if she's a nutcase? What if she's a terrorist?

SHE:(Hangs up)

This is getting really really insane.

HE:Negative, man. She can’t use my phone.

SHE:(Dials Brett’s phone number)

Brett. Brett. Brett. Ring. Ring. Ring.

HE:Nobody breathes on my phone. What if she has a virus? I have a 10K Tea Party Walkathon on Friday.

SHE:Ringing. Ringing. Please hold. Your call is very important. Yadda yadda yadda.

HE:I don’t care how you do it. Just handle it. What? You have another call? Hold? Yeah whatever, I’ll hold.

(He continues to hold phone to ear)

SHE:Hello? Hello? Is this Brett? Mister Brett Yammer?

HE:One table. Two chairs. Un-freaking-believable.

SHE:Mister Yammer? Brett? This is Alison. Alison Cribbs. Yeah! The girl at the beach house? Yeah, that’s me.

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HE:Not even a bed. Just a mattress on the floor. Un-freaking-believable.

SHE:Oh yes. That’s so so right. Oh yes. Yes. Yes. You’re right. You’re so very very right. It’s been one really really big big big snafu out here.

HE:(Looks out window)

And the beach. Trash from the summer still out there. One big pile of crap. Un-freaking-believable.

SHE:Right. Really really really for sure. Sheryl should have told you. I really totally totally agree.

HE:Please hold. Your call is very important to us. Yadda yadda freaking yadda.

SHE:Oh, so really actually honestly true, Brett. You are so soright on the mark. Communication between a couple is a sacred cross your heart hope to die obligation. I mean, itis so really really key to a nurturing caring loving hugs and kisses relationship. Hold? Sure. Of course I will.

(She continues to hold the phone to ear)

HE:So is she leaving? Whaddaya mean, hold your horses? What?You want to know what she looks like?! Well, let’s see. Wait a minute! Whaddaya wanna know that for? Ok. Ok. Just hang on. She’s ummm hmmmm not bad looking. Ummm. Kind of blonde. A little on the heavy side maybe.

SHE:Geez, starting to sound like a meat market in here.

HE:But I guess I wouldn’t kick her out of bed.

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SHE:Thank God for small blessings.

HE:Hold? Yeah go ahead. What the hell.

SHE:Please continue to hold. Your call is. Hello? Hello? Brett? Oh thank you. Well, it’s like my name. Like it ornot, I’m stuck with Alison. Oh, that’s so really kind of you. You know, I think Brett is a really really masculine name. Yes, I really do. It’s so so ummmm hands on take charge sounding. Yes. For sure. I do think you sound thatway. I really really do. Say, do you like chili dogs? You do? Well, I know this really really neat little place. Do you live close by, by any chance? Really? Well, that is actually so very convenient.

HE:Please continue to hold. Your call yadda freaking yadda.

SHE:(Packs her gear at a panic pace)

Brett. Do you know the Trader Joe's on Moulton Parkway? OK. I’ll meet you there. Well, I’m going to tell you. I’ll be the girl with the dirty blonde hair and the big smile and, oh yeah, I’ll be driving a blue VW Beetle. What?You have a blue Beetle? So much in common already. May I ask you a really really personal question? What’s your long distance company? Verizon? Oh My God, mine too! This is so really really deep. It’s like fate, like kismet. Really really looking forward to meeting you, Brett.

(Hangs up. Starts to leave. Stops. Turns)Nice talking to you. Happy Valentine's Day.

(She exits)

The End

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THANK YOU

Cast of Characters

Joan………………Female, age mid 20’sToni………………Female, age early 20’s

Synopsis

Joan and Toni are about to have their Commitment Ceremony. But first, some unfinished business.

Technical Requirements

A sofa, a chair, 2 doors, sound-effect of a party in next room.

Note: Thank You had productions in Hollywood and Off-Broadway and a staged reading at Edward Albee's Last Frontier Theatre Conference. Also, it was a featured play on Scribd.com in 2011.

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(Inside a room. Sounds of a party in the next room. Two doors. One door leads to party. The other leads to a bathroom. JOAN paces, drink in her hand. She sips nervously, glances at watch)

JOAN:Toni. Come on. Please, Toni. Please don’t be late. Please don’t be late for this. Toni, come on. I needyou, Toni. Come on, Toni. Toni, walk through that door. Now.

(Mimes sending telepathic message to door)Door opens. Toni enters. Joan sighs.

(Snaps finger, sees nothing has changed) Darn!

(Sits, takes out cellphone)Love stinks. Sometimes.

(Dials. Listens)Toni, where are you? Toni, please pick up. People are waiting. I’m waiting. Mitch is waiting. No, darn you! I. I will not leave a message!

(Door opens, laughing voices, clinking glasses. Enter TONI, dressed Goth/Industrial, with drink in hand)

TONI:They’re serving cuba libres out there.1

JOAN:Well, hi stranger. Happy Valentine's Day and - -

TONI:So. You were trying to call me?

JOAN:Yes.

TONI:Lost my phone.

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(pronounced "KOO-buh-LEE-bray") contains 2 to 3 ounces of cola, the juice and hull of one lime, 1 ounce rum, half an ounce of gin, and two dashes of bitters.

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JOAN:Lost your phone?

TONI:Yeah. Gonzo. Like into thin air.

JOAN:How?

TONI:Dunno. It was there one minute and.

(Drains glass)Dog ate it, I guess.

(Laughs at joke. Holds up empty glass)Oh oh. Empty. Gotta go refresh.

JOAN:Toni.

TONI:Yeah?

JOAN:(Indicating TONI’s glass)

No more after this.

TONI:Yeah. Right.

JOAN:I mean it, Toni. No more after this one. You know how you.

TONI:Listen, I don’t need this from you. I work fucking hard. I earned me some R & R. Now back off.

JOAN:I know you work hard.

TONI:No, you don’t. And don’t say you do when you don’t. And don’t gimme no speech.

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JOAN:Okay. Sure. Go. Go refresh.

TONI:Fucking A.

(Opens door, laughing voices, clinking glasses. TONI exits)

JOAN:(Walks to an imaginary mirror. Mimes brushing her hair)

We get one supremely magical night and we spend the remainder of our days trying to resurrect it. A part of us says, forget it, the effort is futile, while another part thinks our case might be the unique one. The exception to the rule. So we keep on keeping on, hoping against hope. That’s how it is with magic. Even so, you could have said something. It wouldn’t have cost you to say something. I wish you had. It hurt you didn’t notice I bought a pretty cocktail dress. And a pretty pair of heels. I recall I was dressed like this the night we.

(Trails off. A short silence while she collects her thoughts)

I so want things to be perfect tonight. I so want youto be proud. Why did you say nothing?

(Door opens, laughing voices, clinking glasses. TONI re-enters carrying two drinks)

TONI:(Holds one drink out to JOAN)

Got you a fresh Shirley Temple.

JOAN:(Takes it. Sips)

Thank you.

TONI:(Holds her drink in front of her close to her. Covers top of glass with her hand)

Look uh. I’m sorry.

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JOAN:It’s okay.

TONI:No. It’s not okay. Look, I’ll just kind of nurse this one along. Okay?

JOAN:Okay.

TONI:Nurse. Nursing a drink. I wonder where that came from.

JOAN:I don’t know.

TONI:You’re the word girl. You know the meanings of all the words. Why we say what we say. Just thought you might know.

JOAN:No. Sorry.

TONI:(Takes sip)

Bogart said the world’s always three drinks behind. Did you know that?

JOAN:No.

(Silence. Then……)I’m thinking.

TONI:Yeah.

JOAN:Thinking about New York.

TONI:Yeah, think. Hey, I got one. Think. Who said, “Whatwe think, we are?”

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JOAN:Did you hear me?

TONI:Yeah. You said New York bla bla. And I said, “who said, ‘what we think, we are?’ bla bla.”

JOAN:I’m thinking about going back to New York.

TONI:Guess.

JOAN:I don’t want to guess.

TONI:I said guess.

JOAN:No.

TONI:Dammit, who said, “What we think, we are?”

JOAN:Oh for God’s sake. Kennedy.

TONI:Which Kennedy?

JOAN:I don’t know! Toni, I’m going to New.

TONI:I heard. Three times. We’re not going to New York!

JOAN:No, I’m going.

TONI:No, you’re not.

JOAN:Why are you saying no? You don’t want me.

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TONI:This is how it starts. When she wants to mix it up, she starts with the you don’t want me.

JOAN:You’re dressed like we’re going to a Goth club. You can’t touch me without getting drunk. I bore you.

TONI:And then she says bored. She doesn’t know bored. I know bored. You want bored? Here’s bored. Trivial Pursuit. Disco. Sushi. That’s bored. Everything else is a fucking huge galactic extravaganza, so awesome it makes me come just thinking about it.

JOAN:I dreamt I was in a cage. And you were watching me. I said, Toni, touch me and you looked away.

TONI:Then she trots out the dreams and the psychic shit. Itouch her. Sometimes I touch her. See?

(Touches JOAN’s arm. She jerks her arm away)

You’re not going.

JOAN:Yes. I am.

TONI:No. Case closed.

JOAN:You won’t stop me.

TONI:Buddha!

JOAN: I mean it.

TONI:It was Buddha!

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JOAN:This is dying. This thing. This thing we have. It’sdying. I’m dying. You’re dying. We’re dying.

TONI:Look at me. Do I look like I’m dying? It was Buddha.Buddha said, “What we think, we are.” Now Buddha’s a stupid-looking fat fuck. A stupid-looking fat fuck who sits and jacks off. Look how he sits. Crosslegged on the floor. With that shit-eating grin. That’s thejackoff position. But every so often, the fat boy comes up with a gem. Something simple. Something clean. What we think, we are.

(Takes a sip. Sees her glass is half-full)Hey, guess what? I think I’m a drink. I’m gonna havethem kind of top me off. You okay with that?

(Starts to exit)

JOAN:Please, Toni. Please don’t upset Mitch.

TONI:Brother Mitch can bite me.

(TONI opens door, laughing voices, clinking glasses. TONI exits)

JOAN:(Walks to imaginary mirror. Takes out handkerchief and dabs her makeup)

I went to see Mitch last week. I didn’t tell you. I wanted to see how we stood. He’s not like you say, Toni. He’s nice, he’s a gentleman, he makes you feel important when he’s talking to you. And he listens. I like that. He said, thank you, Joan. I was taken back! Thank you? Thank you for what? Thank you, he said, for bringing some sanity to my sister’s life. Thank you. Wow! That was a shocker. It’s been a while since anyone said thank you to poor Joannie.

(Door opens, laughing voices, clinking glasses. TONI enters carrying two drinks)

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TONI:See? Still sober. Got you a fresh Shirley Temple.

JOAN:I just don’t want you being sick.

TONI:Don’t start on me, Joan. Mitch says we go in ten.

JOAN:No.

TONI:Okay, fine. Make it twenty.

JOAN:No.

TONI:What do you mean, no?

JOAN:I. I mean.

TONI:No way you’re standing me up with Mitch out there. That dickhead would ride me till my dying day.

JOAN:Toni. Toni, please. Let’s just.

TONI:No! We’re gonna do this. No is not an option. You’re gonna back me up. Remember, you’re on my side.

(Drinks half her glass)We’re gonna go out, hand in hand, just like we said. I’m gonna look at you and smile and say bla-bla-bla.

JOAN:(Starts slowly backing toward the bathroom)

No.

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TONI:(Advancing toward her, hand outstretched)

Yes. You’re gonna smile and flutter your eyelashes.

JOAN:(Backing away)

No.

TONI:(Advancing)

Yes. Mitch is gonna grin from ear to ear. All the guestie-guests are gonna go, awwww, ain’t that sweet?

JOAN:(Backing away)

No.

TONI:(Advancing)

Yes. Now come on, let’s do it. Let’s roll.

JOAN:(Slips inside bathroom)

No.

TONI:Hey come on. Don’t do this to me.

(JOAN closes bathroom door. Locks it)Oh shit, she did it.

(Knocks on door)Joan. Come on. Come on out. Joan, please, we got to dothis thing. We got to do this thing right now. Mitch is getting everybody ready. We gotta be there. Cause this is for us. They can’t do it without us. So please.

(Pounds on door)Damn it, Joan! You can’t leave me alone and naked! You get your ass out here and stand by me.

(Silence, then……)We have good times. Sometimes. Good times. Fun times. Maybe not like we used to. But. Well. Now there’s thisone thing. She wants me to go to meetings. She won’t go. Says I’m the one with the problem. So I have to go. Well, they. They want you to go together to these things. Someone’s gonna say,

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TONI(Cont):where’s your mate? And see, I’d have to invent something. Well, I’m not going to do that. I don’t make up stories. That’s not my way.

(Knocks softly on bathroom door)Uh look, I’m sorry. Sorry I’m a bit drunk. Sorry I rained on your parade. I know, I know. Don’t have tosay it. I’m like one of those jerks who dances with his wife maybe once every ten years and has to be shitfaced to do it. I’m clumsy, awkward. I fall overstuff. I don’t know how to act. Sure, I admit it. Like a bull in a China shop. All thumbs? Yeah, that’sme. A stumbler? A bumbler? You got my number. But you gotta remember, Joan. You picked me. Out of all the women you could have picked, you picked Toni. And, let me tell you, I want to thank you. I know I don’t show it so good, but I want you to know it’s an honor to be with you. To know people are saying, “Yousee her? That’s Toni. Her and that Joan chick got a thing going.” They all talk about how Joan is so cool, so reserved, so controlled. And I have to tell you it drives me a little crazy sometimes. Like I don’t know how to act around you. I’m like the noise and the racket on the the edge of your calm. I need your calm. I need you touching me so I know it’s okay. I need some rules so I don’t act stupid. I don’t need someone to stand back and watch me fall on my face and say, “Just look at her. That’s Toni, that dumb bitch.” I’m scared, Joan. I need you. I need you with me. I need you next to me. I need you now.

(Door opens. JOAN enters)

JOAN:Say. You’re Toni, aren’t you?

TONI:Yeah, that’s me. I’m Toni.

JOAN:Don’t you and this Joan chick have something going?

TONI:Yeah, we sure do. She’s some gem.

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JOAN:That’s what I heard. I heard she’s a gem. I heard you two are doing the thing tonight.

TONI:You heard that?

JOAN:Everyone’s heard. Talk of the town. Valentine's Day commitments are special.

TONI:Yeah. That was Joan’s idea. She’s smart that way.

JOAN:She must be. Well, I just had to come. I hope I’m not late.

TONI:(Offering arm)

You’re right on time. It’s just about to start. Grabonto me. I’ll escort you in. You’ll get the best seat in the house.

JOAN:(Takes arm)

Thank you.

TONI:Oh, say.

JOAN:Yes?

TONI:Nice dress you have on. Nice shoes too. Real classy.

JOAN:Thank you.

(They walk together arm in arm. Blackout)

The End

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ANNIVERSARY

Cast of Characters

Michael…………………………male. 40-somethingAngel………………………………female. 40-something

S ynopsis

Two cheating lovers wake up in a hotel room,but one of them is dead.

Note: Anniversary had productions at FirstStage and at the Write Act Repertory.

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The Time: The present.

The Place: In a bed in a hotel room.

(At Rise: early morning, about 4:30 a.m. Subdued lighting. MICHAEL and ANGEL asleep, lying back to back. Silence except for MICHAEL’s breathing. Presently MICHAEL begins moving, slowly at first. Then we see him moving more, tossing about. Then he starts waking up by degrees. He props himself up to get his bearings. He switches on light)

MICHAEL:Angel. Angel. Wake up, Angel. The cushion is soaked. Wake up.

(Silence. ANGEL does not move)

MICHAEL:(A little louder)

Angel. Wake up. Angel!

(Silence. ANGEL does not move)

MICHAEL:(Prods ANGEL with hand)

Angel. Angel. Are you okay? Are you sick? Angel please. Angel. Wake up. Please wake up.

(His face close to her lips)You’re not breathing, Angel. What’s the matter, Angel? Oh God, Angel, no. Please, Angel. Please beokay. Please. What do you do when there’s no breathing? Tilt head back. Yes! Tilt head back!

(He rolls ANGEL onto her back. Tilts her head back)

What’s next? What do I do next? Listen for breathing. Yes! Listen for breathing.

(He listens)Oh God, you're not breathing. Breathe, Angel. Come on, breathe.

(He listens)

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MICHAEL (Cont):No breathing. What next? Uh. Pinch nose, cover mouth and blow.

(He does this)Nothing. Oh God. Oh God.

(He does it again)Nothing. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Angel, please.

(He straddles her body, starts pressing on her chest, speaking panicky encouragement through grunts)

Come on, Angel. Please start breathing. You can do it, Angel. Let’s see you start now. Come on. In. Out. In. Out. Breathe, Angel, breathe. Do like this. In. Out. In. Out. Come on. Do it for me. Do it for Michael. Please, Angel. Breathe. Breathe.Come on, Angel. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Oh God,God, it’s not working.

(Stops. He is out of breath. He puts hand in front of her nose)

Nothing.(Then he slowly gets off her. Then he stands, stares down at her, running his handthrough his hair in dismay. Silence. Then suddenly he blurts out……)

My God, Angel. You’re……you’re dead. You’re……dead.

ANGEL:Yes.

MICHAEL:I. I can't believe this.

ANGEL:I'm sorry, Michael.

MICHAEL:You know, you’re. You’re my first. My first dead person.

28ANGEL:

His first. He always does that. He's big on making lists and prioritizing things. First, second, third, etc. Like it means something.

MICHAEL:And. And I don’t know what’s supposed to happen next.What are the rules when. When you wake up and you get. This?

ANGEL:He’s asking me? He thinks I know? Believe me, Michael. This wasn’t planned. You’ll just have to feel your way along.

MICHAEL:I read somewhere. People Magazine, I think. I read. That people who. You know. People who uh. Like. Die? Their souls don’t leave right away. They uh. You know. They stick around for a while.

ANGEL:Yes. That’s right. I’m still here. Some of the cellgroups take a while to switch off. I stay until all the systems are down. Then I get to turn off the lights.

MICHAEL:You have such a beautiful body, Angel.

ANGEL:Speaking of which. Not to sound crude, but I’m kind of lying here in my own pee. It would be nice if someone moved me.

MICHAEL:I wish I could take you in my arms right now.

ANGEL:Yes. Please. Please do. I’m asking you to. Take mein your arms, Michael.

MICHAEL:But the police.

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ANGEL:Darn!

MICHAEL:They’ll want nothing disturbed.

ANGEL:Fine. Okay. Whatever.

(Silence. Then MICHAEL starts weeping)

ANGEL:Oh gosh, what now?

MICHAEL:(Sobbing)

All I wanted. All I ever wanted was a simple, uncluttered office romance.

ANGEL:I wish he wouldn’t do that. I can’t deal with a crying man. If anybody should be crying, it’s me.

MICHAEL:(Blubbering)

All the other managers have simple uncluttered office romances.

ANGEL:All the other managers are simple uncluttered pricks. Oh God! Did I just say that?

MICHAEL:I just wanted to be like the guys.

ANGEL:Michael, you’re a lot of things, but you’re not like. Like them.

MICHAEL:Was it so wrong for me to want an uncomplicated relationship?

30ANGEL:

Is this a rhetorical question?

MICHAEL:A relationship uncomplicated by - -

ANGEL:Uncomplicated by you-know-what. Oh, sure. Right. What’s love got to do with it?

MICHAEL:It was supposed to be about sex. And no regrets.

ANGEL:Exactly. Love never says, “Oh gee, what if she goes and gets all emotional and starts making things complicated?”

MICHAEL:No apologies.

ANGEL:Exactly. Love never says, “Oops, sorry about that.”

MICHAEL:No second thoughts.

ANGEL:Right again. Love never says, “Uh, can we maybe go back and, like, undo what we did?”

MICHAEL:No tears. No fears.

ANGEL:No recriminations. Love never says, “You’re wearing meout. You’re suffocating me. How about let’s just be friends for a while?”

(He pulls himself together, dabs his eyes, blows his nose on a Kleenex. Silence, then...)

MICHAEL:You know, it’s funny.

31

ANGEL:Funny? You hear me laughing, Michael?

MICHAEL:Today's our anniversary. Our one-year anniversary.

ANGEL:Oh really? I wasn’t aware. I totally forgot that.

MICHAEL:Valentine's Day. A year ago. Megan was out of town visiting relatives. I was working late on a report. You agreed to stay and help get it typed up.

ANGEL:Oh yes. Yes! I do remember.

MICHAEL:Valentine's Day means nothing to Megan. She's not the sentimental type. She's a practical, by-the-numbers person. She - -

ANGEL:Yes. You described her as clinical. As passionless.

MICHAEL:Not that I'm complaining, mind you. She's a good mother. A wonderful housekeeper.

ANGEL:Those are, of course, fine qualities.

MICHAEL:And as for this being our anniversary, I guess it’s a moot point now.

ANGEL:Moot. Why do manager types use that word? What exactly is a moot?

(He picks up a wrapped present, holds it up)

MICHAEL:I was going to surprise you.

32

ANGEL:Well. This is definitely a surprise.

MICHAEL:Happy anniversary, Angel. Happy Valentine's Day.

(He sets the present on the bed)

ANGEL:Thank you, Michael.

MICHAEL:I don’t mind admitting, I've been thinking long and hard about us, about this. This thing we have. Had. Several times I came into work with a speech all prepared.

ANGEL:Yes. Me, too. Several times I was going to break it off. I was going to say something like.

(Clears her throat)Michael, I love you, but I can’t do this. I can’t look at myself in the mirror and - -

MICHAEL:(Clears his throat)

Angel, I love you, but I can’t do this to Megan. I can’t look her in the eye anymore.

(They are both suddenly silent. Then...)

MICHAEL:You know, studies show office romances can result in a. A disruptive workplace.

ANGEL:Disruptive? He should count the times I worked overtime ALONE to save his bacon!

MICHAEL:And there’s always the appearance of showing undue favoritism.

33

ANGEL:Who made sure all his files were up to date? Who watched his back? Who made sure no one blindsided him? Who told him who’s coming in late, who’s leavingearly?

MICHAEL:Plus I have family obligations.

ANGEL:And I don’t?

MICHAEL:You have a cat.

ANGEL:Winston’s not just a cat.

MICHAEL:Winston’s not like. You know.

ANGEL:Okay! Okay! You don't have to say it again!

MICHAEL & ANGEL:Not like Megan and the twins.

ANGEL:I want you to promise me. Promise me that you’ll care for Winston.

MICHAEL:I don't want you to worry about Winston. I’ll go get him. I’ll take him to a shelter.

ANGEL:No!

MICHAEL:I’ll make sure it’s done tomorrow.

ANGEL:He’s an old cat. They’ll put him to sleep.

34MICHAEL:

He’ll find a nice home.

ANGEL:Read my lips. Nobody wants an old cat.

MICHAEL:You know I’d take him in a heartbeat, but the twins need a kitten. And I don't think Megan would - -

ANGEL:So this is how it ends. Just toss us out. File and forget. I must confess I always hated Valentine's Day. I'd see the ads on TV of a man bringing his lover a pearl necklace or a diamond bracelet and I'd cry out, “What about me? What do I get?” What is there for a woman with a cat who's married to her job? Forgive me, Michael. It's the wrong time for me to be venting.

(Long silence. ANGEL quietly sobbing. Then………)

MICHAEL:When Megan finds out, I don’t know what she’s going to do.

ANGEL:Megan’s a proud woman.

MICHAEL:It’s fifty-fifty she’ll take me back.

ANGEL:More like sixty-forty against.

MICHAEL:It’s a tossup.

ANGEL:More like a toss out. Be sure to keep a bag packed.

MICHAEL:I’ll tell her it was just one of those things. I'll say it didn’t mean anything. Purely physical.

35

ANGEL:No problem there. Just sex, no regrets. Every woman understands that. Nothing to worry about.

MICHAEL:Oh God. What am I saying? She’s going to kill me.

ANGEL:I read something about cheating. I think in People Magazine. A lot of men end up cheating after a couple of years, because they feel they’re missing out on something. It’s a kind of frustration thing and they need to get it out of their system. After which, in seven out of ten cases, they come back, renewed and recharged. Tell her that, Michael.

MICHAEL:She’ll kill me. No doubt about it. She’ll skin me alive.

ANGEL:I’m sorry. I wish I could be there for you, Michael. Oh God! Here it comes. I’m starting to stiffen.

MICHAEL:Angel?

ANGEL:(Trembling, scared)

Yes?

MICHAEL:I’ve changed my mind. I’ll take care of Winston.

ANGEL:Oh thank you, Michael. Thank you. You’ve made me very happy. Thank you.

(A sudden tremor, her voice shaking)Oh God! Cover me, Michael. I don’t mind your looking at me, but please, not the others.

(He covers her with a sheet. He picks up thephone and dials and waits while it rings at the other end)

36

ANGEL:(From under the sheet, struggling to speak)

I’m leaving, Michael. Good bye. Good. Bye.

MICHAEL:Megan? Hi. Yes, I know it’s early. Yes, I’ll. I’ll be flying home tonight. Flight 622. Yes, the usual flight. Listen, I have something to tell you. Something very bad has happened. Somebody died.

(Blackout)

The End