53
THOROUGHFARE FALL 2013 The Search for Meaning

Thoroughfare Fall 2013

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Thoroughfare is a multimedia literature and fine arts magazine catering to the diverse creative pursuits at Johns Hopkins University.

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Page 1: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

THOROUGHFAREFALL 2013

The Search for Meaning

2

Table of Contents

4 UNTITLED Jenny Cho

5 FAITH Mary Berman

6 THE GIRL I CARRY Laura Grau

8 FULL OF HOT AIR Colleen McDermott

12 THE FIDDLER Kat Lewis

26 SENESCENCE Jennifer Baik

28 I KNOW Laura Grau

32 FOLLIES Evelyn Ho

34 DEAR GOD Diana Chen

35 UNBELIEVER John Sweeney

36 WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS Laura Grau

40 SOFA Ruth Portes

42 THAT DYING HUM Ran Liu

43 WARRIOR Laura Grau

44 WELCOME HOME John Belanger

46 FRAMES Anamaria Penagos

48 LET GOD SORT THEM OUT Kat Lewis

54 VIVID Tania Chatterjee

56 OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY Ruth Portes

58 ATAXIA Davis Einolf

60 LrsquoACCORD PARFAIT Laura Grau

62 YOUNG LOVE Cyrus Beh

63 WET JUNCTION Cyrus Beh

64 THE LAST MUSIC LESSON Arielle Kaden

66 SPLINTERS OF CLARITY Caitlin Dwyer

70 THE LONG ROAD Cyrus Beh

72 TRIPTYCH 1 Liana Sanders

73 TRIPTYCH 3 Liana Sanders

74 WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL Matthew Moores

76 SAFFRON Tania Chatterjee

77 MOLOTOV COCKTAIL Jennifer Baik

78 HOW IT IS Katie Robinson

84 DANIELLE Kat Lewis

85 CAUGHT MOMENTARILY Hong-Wai Wong

86 DONrsquoT MOVE Shayer Chowdhury

87 SPIDERHOLE Samuel Cook

88 UNTITLED Hannah Danzinger

89 FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAY Arielle Kaden

90 SELF INSERTION Kate Orger

94 NELIPOT Laura Grau

96 HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT Hong-wai Wong

TOWELS AND APPLE JUICE

98 UNTITLED Hannah Danzinger

99 STORY TIME Keven Perez

101 MEANING Jennifer Baik

Cover Stock photo courtesy of Bev Lloyd-Roberts at sxchu

4

UNTITLEDJenny Cho

Ever since I learned to hold my tongue

My motherrsquos dragged me to our silt-gray church

Such buildings are unfriendly to the young

To those who have not yet been taught to search

For something thatrsquos not there as I had not

Then as I aged I thought I understood

The power in the hymns and statues wrought

From iron and from faith and from dark wood

Or even if I did not understand

I thought the others did and I recalled

The words of those whorsquod felt the Fatherrsquos hand

The words of one who had seemed so enthralled

(My mother) by this house on serious earth

She had not thought to question from her birth

Now that Irsquove grown deliberated read

The Scriptures that they taught and did not teach

Now after tasting wine and breaking bread

And listening to inconsistent speech

I think I may have been mistaken Yet

On those rare weekends when Irsquom home I still

Sit and suffer myself to be beset

By words of those who say they know the thrill

Of faith I do try but I canrsquot conceive

Of what they mean Perhaps theyrsquore comforted

By always being told what to believe

What difference will it make when they are dead

I hate it Still I kneel and still I stand

And at the Lordrsquos Prayer hold my motherrsquos hand

Mary Berman

6

1 The last thing she said was my name She said my name and stopped breathing She said my name and I stopped breathing2 She says her legs hurt The ice doesnrsquot help Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see they hurt Shersquos crying I rub and rub her legs with cream My arms are sore but if I slow down it hurts Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see we hurt3 We need to bathe her Maybe shersquoll feel better She canrsquot stand so I carry her Maybe if we bathe her shersquoll get up tomorrow Maybe the water will make it all better Only I can bathe her Nobody else I dip a towel in water and begin to rub Be gentle Be gentle Donrsquot move me too much I dip the towel in water and gently scrub I feel the tumor in her back the tumor in her head the tumor in her leg Therersquos a tumor I dip the towel in water and I rub praying that it wonrsquot move me too much4 She says shersquos too tired to go out and play Not even for ice cream No not today She says that the wheelchair is too much to carry She says if it didnrsquot hurt maybe she would walk But today she is tired Maybe tomorrow we can go out and play5 Chemo and radiation every day at three I run out of school to pick her up Shersquos always so pretty dressing in pink Any other little girl would look healthy Shersquos always so pretty hidden beneath her blanket She says shersquos too weary to walk on her own I squat to the floor and let her hug my neck I pick up her legs and make sure it doesnrsquot hurt I canrsquot do harsh movements when Irsquom carrying her Together as one we go through the door Security knows us the best friend and her She is the angel I am the wings I help her fly and I feel the wind 6 The doctor says she can go out today Bring her back tomorrow We get in the car and drive for a long

time She falls asleep One night our night Today we can I drive to Santarsquos Enchanted Forest We laugh as she sits next to me on the rides We spin Itrsquos not as bad as chemo she says We laugh I buy her a snow cone and she spills it on her shirt Covered in red but laughing she glows Our night We laugh and drive back to IVrsquos and such7 Movie nights in the hospital Those are the best Microwave brownies Popcorn Sushi She laughs as we eat I eat caviar and she says she doesnrsquot want fishies growing in her belly The nurse comes in and says she needs platelets hanging the bag from her IV pole then leaving She says she feels itchy Her eyes start to swell They forgot the Benadryl I run to the nurses I say she canrsquot breathe They donrsquot let me in until she is asleep They say itrsquos an allergy They say shersquoll be fine I fight them until I am by her side 8 We swam in the pool and baked cakes at my house We jumped in the pool holding hands came out of the water and couldnrsquot stand We swam to the edge and held on for dear life We laughed at each other for not being able to swim When we got out I cleaned her port Alcohol prep pads gauze and bandaids The things I always kept in my purse 9 We went to butterfly world She loved it so much She picked up a sick butterfly and helped it fly One landed on her head I ran for my camera but landed facedown on the floor instead She just stood there with a butterfly on her head laughing at me 10 I see her She is fine Even her peach fuzz is gone I look at her and shersquos fine Yet the doctor sayrsquos shersquos going to die I see my friend and I canrsquot think The doctor says she has ten weeks to live I see her now her eyes a bit weak Please doctor donrsquot tell her She canrsquot know I hug her mom I tell her wersquore strong and from now on we have to just make her happy Please doctor donrsquot tell me I canrsquot know I just want us to be happy

THE

GIR

L I C

ARR

YLa

ura

Gra

u

Stock photo courtesy of Piotr Menducki

8

Colleen McDermott

FULL O

F HOT AIR Lararsquos temples throbbed as her boss flung

accusations and petty remarks at her They were

all completely unnecessary but it wasnrsquot like he

was the type to appreciate the hours of work that

went into a project or understand the difference

between a reasonable request and an unreasonable

mandate She exhaled through clenched teeth

emptying her lungs so deliberately as if requiring

attention from usually autonomous functions

would be able to keep the tears from coming

When it was over she used every ounce

of restraint not to slam the hardwood office

door The second she got to her own office she

tore off her heels- the clacking was making her

headache worse She headed for the elevators

and jabbed the button for the lobby This of

course was the day the elevator stopped on

six of the eleven floors between Lara and her

sanity and she congratulated herself on not

yelling ldquoIs there something wrong with the

stairsrdquo to the lady who got on the second floor

Finally she was free She didnrsquot care that she

looked as if she were on a walk of shame she fled

the office heels in hand The smooth pavement

felt good on the balls of her feet A passerby told

her it was dangerous to walk in the city barefoot

Lara figured that if she got tetanus or hepatitis she

at least wouldnrsquot have to go to work tomorrow

All of a sudden Lara broke her stride She

shook her head in disbelief her boss stood on the

corner ahead of her She put her head down and

hoped to power walk past him so he wouldnrsquot see

her As she approached him the density of the

crowd before her lessened allowing her to see

him clearly Lara breathed a sigh of relief- it wasnrsquot

actually him It was only his head floating above the

ground attached to a cotton string like a balloon

Lara laughed as her bossrsquos head floated

gingerly above the sidewalk He looked

bewildered but seemed unable to speak let

alone yell A sly smile crept across her face

and she took his string in her hand She tied

him around her wrist as if she were a child and

continued walking She glanced up at him as she

crossed 49th street He was changing His ears were

bigger now almost simian Each block the two

traveled together brought more exaggerations

to his features until he resembled a mere

caricature of himself Lara liked it better this way

She held her head high as she neared her

exrsquos place She hated that it was smack dab in the

middle of the quickest route to her apartment

She told herself she was over what had happened

because she was finally past the point of walking

ten blocks out of her way just to avoid the chance

of seeing him She really only had run into him on

a couple of occasions but it was never a pleasant

encounter He was always so polite to her so calm

10

He really thought he had never done anything

wrong Every time she saw him the casual glibness

irked Lara so much it was all she could do to slap

him across the face in the middle of the sidewalk

Inevitably after these encounters she

would find herself at the gym listening to the

angsty punk music she should have outgrown by

now and she would run until she wasnrsquot so upset

She would run through the flashbacks of the

insults that swirled through her head She would

run through the sense of loss for what had once

been such a good thing She never could have

imagined that a relationship she thought was

absolutely perfect would end with him callously

telling her he couldnrsquot stand to spend another

three hours with her and that he could go a year

without being intimate with anyone as long as

it meant hersquod never have to see her again Lara

never knew what she could have possibly done

to him but had given up trying to figure it out

Of course her ex was outside his building

today Lara strode toward him Today might

just be the day she actually slapped him She

reached out to strike him but discovered he

too was not really himself Lara chuckled at this

realization and slapped the balloon head of

her ex anyway Then she tied him to the same

wrist her boss was on She figured they could

be friends since they had so much in common

A couple blocks later Lara smiled

as she examined the grotesqueness of the

newly caricature-ized features that her ex

had She kept sneaking secret glances and

felt a rush of smug triumph with every look

In the park Lara found another balloon

It was her college roommate who had not only

let her boyfriend live with them without asking

and without making him paying rent but ran

off with him while they still had three months

left on their lease She never returned and never

sent Lara a check She left Lara with an apartment

she had no way of affording on her own and no

prospect of someone to sublet with only a few

months of college left She eagerly added her

roommate balloon to the growing collection

muttering that she belonged with her people

After that Lara vowed to collect the

rest of them and took off through the city for

balloons to add to her growing bunch She found

her statistics professor floating near a bench

acting as if he had never failed her because she

had refused to sleep with him He joined the

collection and fit right in growing ugly just like

the others Lara found her high school soccer

coach in the park too She plucked him from

the sidelines of a game before he had a chance

to badmouth another player to every college

scout just because she wouldnrsquot leave her club

team to play for his sketchy startup group

As her collection grew Lara felt herself get

lighter and she decided to broaden the circle

She found the girl who told everyone else on the

soccer team that Lara was bulimic the day after

she had food poisoning At least she and the

coach already knew each other so there wouldnrsquot

be any awkward tensions in the balloon bunch

She found the teacher from middle

school who took the note with the name of the

boy Lara had a crush on and read it to the entire

school over the PA system She found her piano

teacher who used to make her cry no matter how

beautifully she would play She found the girls

in from seventh grade who told Lara she was fat

because she wasnrsquot allowed to weigh 100 pounds

until she was sixteen She even collected Davy

Commisky and Billy OrsquoToole from elementary

school They were the ones who put glue in her

hair and told her it was anti-cootie medicine

Lara had quite a collection by the time

she had made her rounds She paced for awhile

until she was sure all of their transformations had

been completed The world now could see what

shersquod always known-exactly how ugly they were

Finally she took all of her balloons and

climbed to the roof of her building She took one

last look at their distorted features with a perverse

sense of pride She let herself be angry She let

herself hate them for a minute Then slowly she

untied them all from her wrist looked at them all

one last time and let them go

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE I was cleaning out a binder I

used to use for biochemistry lab and found one

of my old sketches (I clearly used downtime

during experiments wisely) so I decided to give

it a story

12

THE FIDDLERKat Lewis

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through

the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in

the road

DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but

torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with

determination She carries a violin case to the center of

the crossroad

Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she

unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her

neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24

As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips

around her The light above her head grows brighter until it

bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the

moonbeam She stops playing

Silence blankets the desert

Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over

her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the

other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears

above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk

DEVIL

Are you here to challenge me

DANI

No Irsquom here to defeat you

The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle

DEVIL

Oh child That is some big talk

for a little girl like you What

business do you have with me

Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the

mouth They squint at the girl

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone

DANI

Itrsquos just Dani

The Devilrsquos grin widens

14

FADE IN

DEVIL

Irsquove been waiting for you

INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT

FLASHBACK TO

Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches

the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s

pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her

hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand

Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed

DOCTOR

Just one more push Elise Yoursquore

doing great

Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as

the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms

DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)

Itrsquos a girl

The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby

to a NURSE to be washed off

ELISE

How is she

DOCTOR

No complications so far Very

fortunate for a couple your age

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

TIME CUT TO

Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a

chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed

Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn

ELISE

Isnrsquot she precious

MATT

I canrsquot believe we did it After

all these years we finally did it

Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek

A beat of silence falls on the hospital

Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like

falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating

beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames

crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital

bed

DEVIL

Elise

Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the

bed allows Dani cries

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

You know why Irsquom here You breached

our contract

ELISE

I found a loophole With all the

lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault

you canrsquot write an airtight

contract

The Devil lets out an indignant snort

DEVIL

Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal

with me Now I break you

He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his

grin to the side

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos

name

Danielle

DEVIL

Danielle Meaning God is my judge

Satan laughs

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

How appropriate

ELISE

God damn it What do you want

DEVIL

16

Oh I donrsquot know

He looks from Elise to her daughter and back

ELISE

(reluctant)

No You gave us this You canrsquot

take our baby

DEVIL

Naked came I out of my motherrsquos

womb and naked shall I return

thither the Lord gave and the

Lord hath taken away blessed be

the name of the Lord

Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before

spitting a wad of fire onto the ground

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute

shit I donrsquot want the baby Just

your assured misery I lay a curse

on little Danielle Should you or

anyone else touch her a family

member will perish Donrsquot worry

though if you love your husband or

your mother more you can just

leave her in the crib to rot

Elise and Satan stare each other down

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The choice is yours

The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the

flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries

between them

TIME CUT TO

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about

ELISE

I think shersquos hungry What do we

do

Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives

it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her

mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile

floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly

shaking her head

MATT

Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll

take our chances

Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones

look to one another A tense silence fills the room before

they all let out a relieved sigh

Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face

MATT (CONTrsquoD)

Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone

want anything

The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt

walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a

groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles

turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt

He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his

body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks

his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes

her head

The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back

at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from

its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the

side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his

neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words

coming out a hoarse whisper

MATT

(The Devilrsquos voice)

This is only the beginning

The body falls limp

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER

Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo

Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to

18

only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the

changing table a TV is heard from the next room

Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand

into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear

zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box

for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to

the baby

TIME CUT TO

Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile

playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant

half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper

GRAMMY

Elise

ELISE (OS)

Yeah

GRAMMY

An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos

funeral came in the mail today

ELISE (OS)

Jeez How old was she

GRAMMY

24 Are we going

Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby

giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration

ELISE (OS)

Irsquoll have to--

Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist

Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in

the next room

GRAMMY

Elise

Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room

CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over

eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly

strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she

looks to the grinning baby

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER

Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo

On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a

fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos

strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler

Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a

grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she

curtsies

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - LATER

Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs

speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy

stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a

hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes

shifting around the room

A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something

snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy

pulls Dani closer

WOMAN

Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter

is just phenomenal Only five years

old and playing like that

Dani smiles before shyly speaking

DANI

Irsquom four

She holds up four fingers

WOMAN

My word Yoursquore a little Mozart

arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had

half your talent

The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and

Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years

old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an

20

untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin

like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face

shaking her head

The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile

WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)

Anyway you were fabulous today

Keep it up

Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem

to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a

congratulatory but condescending pat on the head

Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand

Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a

chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor

ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His

family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries

out a back door

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK

SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo

Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around

a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN

reports an accident at a construction site The box in the

corner displays the headline Construction Accident

17-year-old boy found dead

Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from

somewhere in the house

GRAMMY

Dani

The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a

turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered

except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off

the TV

GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)

Did you do this

Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his

family

DANI

Irsquove never seen any of those people

before

Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face

GRAMMY

Have you been wearing gloves You

know itrsquos only skin to ski--

DANI

For God sake Grammy Yes I know

what to do Itrsquos not like you let

me leave the house anyway

GRAMMY

Itrsquos for your own good

DANI

My own good I havenrsquot gone outside

in six days Irsquom going crazy In

the last month yoursquove let me out

of the house to get the mail maybe

four times I have a right to a

life you know

GRAMMY

Your mother signed away any rights

you had long ago

DANI

Maybe I should make a deal with Him

too Irsquom sure Hell is much more

bearable than here

GRAMMY

You want to leave Then go I canrsquot

look at you right now

Dani points to the TV

DANI

I didnrsquot do that

GRAMMY

Get out

Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV

22

rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door

slams Grammy flinches

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to

see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani

notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the

palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle

END FLASHBACK

RETURN TO

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the

Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips

DEVIL

You know Irsquove got your Grammy

right here Would you like to say

hi

DANI

Cut the shit Lucy

The Devil groans at the nickname

DANI (CONTrsquoD)

Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom

gonna kick your ass in this stupid

fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift

the curse

DEVIL

Or you could just let me bring you

to Hell now

DANI

And why would I agree to that

DEVIL

Hellrsquos actually not that bad And

Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom

itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes

from time to time bad things

happen to its residents like a limb

gets chopped off or they get turned

into serpents But thatrsquos life

right

Dani stares at him unconvinced

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my

neighbor Last week he went to

visit Van Gogh in the Seventh

Circle I watched his cat while he

was gone and that thing was an

angel Adorable playful God my

kid loved it Hersquos begging me for

one now

DANI

(incredulous)

You have a kid

DEVIL

Thatrsquos not the point Whether you

win or lose you end up downstairs

with me The price for freedom is

your soul So itrsquos only a matter

of time Why donrsquot we skip this

whole battle nonsense and take you

to your new home You look like a

girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna

meet Hemingway

DANI

Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose

DEVIL

Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the

fucking devil Irsquom not scared of

anything

Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over

each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted

under the moon they played He plays the call and she the

response For every question his nimble extremities sing to

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 2: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

2

Table of Contents

4 UNTITLED Jenny Cho

5 FAITH Mary Berman

6 THE GIRL I CARRY Laura Grau

8 FULL OF HOT AIR Colleen McDermott

12 THE FIDDLER Kat Lewis

26 SENESCENCE Jennifer Baik

28 I KNOW Laura Grau

32 FOLLIES Evelyn Ho

34 DEAR GOD Diana Chen

35 UNBELIEVER John Sweeney

36 WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS Laura Grau

40 SOFA Ruth Portes

42 THAT DYING HUM Ran Liu

43 WARRIOR Laura Grau

44 WELCOME HOME John Belanger

46 FRAMES Anamaria Penagos

48 LET GOD SORT THEM OUT Kat Lewis

54 VIVID Tania Chatterjee

56 OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY Ruth Portes

58 ATAXIA Davis Einolf

60 LrsquoACCORD PARFAIT Laura Grau

62 YOUNG LOVE Cyrus Beh

63 WET JUNCTION Cyrus Beh

64 THE LAST MUSIC LESSON Arielle Kaden

66 SPLINTERS OF CLARITY Caitlin Dwyer

70 THE LONG ROAD Cyrus Beh

72 TRIPTYCH 1 Liana Sanders

73 TRIPTYCH 3 Liana Sanders

74 WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL Matthew Moores

76 SAFFRON Tania Chatterjee

77 MOLOTOV COCKTAIL Jennifer Baik

78 HOW IT IS Katie Robinson

84 DANIELLE Kat Lewis

85 CAUGHT MOMENTARILY Hong-Wai Wong

86 DONrsquoT MOVE Shayer Chowdhury

87 SPIDERHOLE Samuel Cook

88 UNTITLED Hannah Danzinger

89 FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAY Arielle Kaden

90 SELF INSERTION Kate Orger

94 NELIPOT Laura Grau

96 HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT Hong-wai Wong

TOWELS AND APPLE JUICE

98 UNTITLED Hannah Danzinger

99 STORY TIME Keven Perez

101 MEANING Jennifer Baik

Cover Stock photo courtesy of Bev Lloyd-Roberts at sxchu

4

UNTITLEDJenny Cho

Ever since I learned to hold my tongue

My motherrsquos dragged me to our silt-gray church

Such buildings are unfriendly to the young

To those who have not yet been taught to search

For something thatrsquos not there as I had not

Then as I aged I thought I understood

The power in the hymns and statues wrought

From iron and from faith and from dark wood

Or even if I did not understand

I thought the others did and I recalled

The words of those whorsquod felt the Fatherrsquos hand

The words of one who had seemed so enthralled

(My mother) by this house on serious earth

She had not thought to question from her birth

Now that Irsquove grown deliberated read

The Scriptures that they taught and did not teach

Now after tasting wine and breaking bread

And listening to inconsistent speech

I think I may have been mistaken Yet

On those rare weekends when Irsquom home I still

Sit and suffer myself to be beset

By words of those who say they know the thrill

Of faith I do try but I canrsquot conceive

Of what they mean Perhaps theyrsquore comforted

By always being told what to believe

What difference will it make when they are dead

I hate it Still I kneel and still I stand

And at the Lordrsquos Prayer hold my motherrsquos hand

Mary Berman

6

1 The last thing she said was my name She said my name and stopped breathing She said my name and I stopped breathing2 She says her legs hurt The ice doesnrsquot help Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see they hurt Shersquos crying I rub and rub her legs with cream My arms are sore but if I slow down it hurts Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see we hurt3 We need to bathe her Maybe shersquoll feel better She canrsquot stand so I carry her Maybe if we bathe her shersquoll get up tomorrow Maybe the water will make it all better Only I can bathe her Nobody else I dip a towel in water and begin to rub Be gentle Be gentle Donrsquot move me too much I dip the towel in water and gently scrub I feel the tumor in her back the tumor in her head the tumor in her leg Therersquos a tumor I dip the towel in water and I rub praying that it wonrsquot move me too much4 She says shersquos too tired to go out and play Not even for ice cream No not today She says that the wheelchair is too much to carry She says if it didnrsquot hurt maybe she would walk But today she is tired Maybe tomorrow we can go out and play5 Chemo and radiation every day at three I run out of school to pick her up Shersquos always so pretty dressing in pink Any other little girl would look healthy Shersquos always so pretty hidden beneath her blanket She says shersquos too weary to walk on her own I squat to the floor and let her hug my neck I pick up her legs and make sure it doesnrsquot hurt I canrsquot do harsh movements when Irsquom carrying her Together as one we go through the door Security knows us the best friend and her She is the angel I am the wings I help her fly and I feel the wind 6 The doctor says she can go out today Bring her back tomorrow We get in the car and drive for a long

time She falls asleep One night our night Today we can I drive to Santarsquos Enchanted Forest We laugh as she sits next to me on the rides We spin Itrsquos not as bad as chemo she says We laugh I buy her a snow cone and she spills it on her shirt Covered in red but laughing she glows Our night We laugh and drive back to IVrsquos and such7 Movie nights in the hospital Those are the best Microwave brownies Popcorn Sushi She laughs as we eat I eat caviar and she says she doesnrsquot want fishies growing in her belly The nurse comes in and says she needs platelets hanging the bag from her IV pole then leaving She says she feels itchy Her eyes start to swell They forgot the Benadryl I run to the nurses I say she canrsquot breathe They donrsquot let me in until she is asleep They say itrsquos an allergy They say shersquoll be fine I fight them until I am by her side 8 We swam in the pool and baked cakes at my house We jumped in the pool holding hands came out of the water and couldnrsquot stand We swam to the edge and held on for dear life We laughed at each other for not being able to swim When we got out I cleaned her port Alcohol prep pads gauze and bandaids The things I always kept in my purse 9 We went to butterfly world She loved it so much She picked up a sick butterfly and helped it fly One landed on her head I ran for my camera but landed facedown on the floor instead She just stood there with a butterfly on her head laughing at me 10 I see her She is fine Even her peach fuzz is gone I look at her and shersquos fine Yet the doctor sayrsquos shersquos going to die I see my friend and I canrsquot think The doctor says she has ten weeks to live I see her now her eyes a bit weak Please doctor donrsquot tell her She canrsquot know I hug her mom I tell her wersquore strong and from now on we have to just make her happy Please doctor donrsquot tell me I canrsquot know I just want us to be happy

THE

GIR

L I C

ARR

YLa

ura

Gra

u

Stock photo courtesy of Piotr Menducki

8

Colleen McDermott

FULL O

F HOT AIR Lararsquos temples throbbed as her boss flung

accusations and petty remarks at her They were

all completely unnecessary but it wasnrsquot like he

was the type to appreciate the hours of work that

went into a project or understand the difference

between a reasonable request and an unreasonable

mandate She exhaled through clenched teeth

emptying her lungs so deliberately as if requiring

attention from usually autonomous functions

would be able to keep the tears from coming

When it was over she used every ounce

of restraint not to slam the hardwood office

door The second she got to her own office she

tore off her heels- the clacking was making her

headache worse She headed for the elevators

and jabbed the button for the lobby This of

course was the day the elevator stopped on

six of the eleven floors between Lara and her

sanity and she congratulated herself on not

yelling ldquoIs there something wrong with the

stairsrdquo to the lady who got on the second floor

Finally she was free She didnrsquot care that she

looked as if she were on a walk of shame she fled

the office heels in hand The smooth pavement

felt good on the balls of her feet A passerby told

her it was dangerous to walk in the city barefoot

Lara figured that if she got tetanus or hepatitis she

at least wouldnrsquot have to go to work tomorrow

All of a sudden Lara broke her stride She

shook her head in disbelief her boss stood on the

corner ahead of her She put her head down and

hoped to power walk past him so he wouldnrsquot see

her As she approached him the density of the

crowd before her lessened allowing her to see

him clearly Lara breathed a sigh of relief- it wasnrsquot

actually him It was only his head floating above the

ground attached to a cotton string like a balloon

Lara laughed as her bossrsquos head floated

gingerly above the sidewalk He looked

bewildered but seemed unable to speak let

alone yell A sly smile crept across her face

and she took his string in her hand She tied

him around her wrist as if she were a child and

continued walking She glanced up at him as she

crossed 49th street He was changing His ears were

bigger now almost simian Each block the two

traveled together brought more exaggerations

to his features until he resembled a mere

caricature of himself Lara liked it better this way

She held her head high as she neared her

exrsquos place She hated that it was smack dab in the

middle of the quickest route to her apartment

She told herself she was over what had happened

because she was finally past the point of walking

ten blocks out of her way just to avoid the chance

of seeing him She really only had run into him on

a couple of occasions but it was never a pleasant

encounter He was always so polite to her so calm

10

He really thought he had never done anything

wrong Every time she saw him the casual glibness

irked Lara so much it was all she could do to slap

him across the face in the middle of the sidewalk

Inevitably after these encounters she

would find herself at the gym listening to the

angsty punk music she should have outgrown by

now and she would run until she wasnrsquot so upset

She would run through the flashbacks of the

insults that swirled through her head She would

run through the sense of loss for what had once

been such a good thing She never could have

imagined that a relationship she thought was

absolutely perfect would end with him callously

telling her he couldnrsquot stand to spend another

three hours with her and that he could go a year

without being intimate with anyone as long as

it meant hersquod never have to see her again Lara

never knew what she could have possibly done

to him but had given up trying to figure it out

Of course her ex was outside his building

today Lara strode toward him Today might

just be the day she actually slapped him She

reached out to strike him but discovered he

too was not really himself Lara chuckled at this

realization and slapped the balloon head of

her ex anyway Then she tied him to the same

wrist her boss was on She figured they could

be friends since they had so much in common

A couple blocks later Lara smiled

as she examined the grotesqueness of the

newly caricature-ized features that her ex

had She kept sneaking secret glances and

felt a rush of smug triumph with every look

In the park Lara found another balloon

It was her college roommate who had not only

let her boyfriend live with them without asking

and without making him paying rent but ran

off with him while they still had three months

left on their lease She never returned and never

sent Lara a check She left Lara with an apartment

she had no way of affording on her own and no

prospect of someone to sublet with only a few

months of college left She eagerly added her

roommate balloon to the growing collection

muttering that she belonged with her people

After that Lara vowed to collect the

rest of them and took off through the city for

balloons to add to her growing bunch She found

her statistics professor floating near a bench

acting as if he had never failed her because she

had refused to sleep with him He joined the

collection and fit right in growing ugly just like

the others Lara found her high school soccer

coach in the park too She plucked him from

the sidelines of a game before he had a chance

to badmouth another player to every college

scout just because she wouldnrsquot leave her club

team to play for his sketchy startup group

As her collection grew Lara felt herself get

lighter and she decided to broaden the circle

She found the girl who told everyone else on the

soccer team that Lara was bulimic the day after

she had food poisoning At least she and the

coach already knew each other so there wouldnrsquot

be any awkward tensions in the balloon bunch

She found the teacher from middle

school who took the note with the name of the

boy Lara had a crush on and read it to the entire

school over the PA system She found her piano

teacher who used to make her cry no matter how

beautifully she would play She found the girls

in from seventh grade who told Lara she was fat

because she wasnrsquot allowed to weigh 100 pounds

until she was sixteen She even collected Davy

Commisky and Billy OrsquoToole from elementary

school They were the ones who put glue in her

hair and told her it was anti-cootie medicine

Lara had quite a collection by the time

she had made her rounds She paced for awhile

until she was sure all of their transformations had

been completed The world now could see what

shersquod always known-exactly how ugly they were

Finally she took all of her balloons and

climbed to the roof of her building She took one

last look at their distorted features with a perverse

sense of pride She let herself be angry She let

herself hate them for a minute Then slowly she

untied them all from her wrist looked at them all

one last time and let them go

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE I was cleaning out a binder I

used to use for biochemistry lab and found one

of my old sketches (I clearly used downtime

during experiments wisely) so I decided to give

it a story

12

THE FIDDLERKat Lewis

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through

the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in

the road

DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but

torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with

determination She carries a violin case to the center of

the crossroad

Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she

unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her

neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24

As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips

around her The light above her head grows brighter until it

bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the

moonbeam She stops playing

Silence blankets the desert

Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over

her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the

other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears

above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk

DEVIL

Are you here to challenge me

DANI

No Irsquom here to defeat you

The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle

DEVIL

Oh child That is some big talk

for a little girl like you What

business do you have with me

Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the

mouth They squint at the girl

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone

DANI

Itrsquos just Dani

The Devilrsquos grin widens

14

FADE IN

DEVIL

Irsquove been waiting for you

INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT

FLASHBACK TO

Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches

the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s

pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her

hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand

Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed

DOCTOR

Just one more push Elise Yoursquore

doing great

Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as

the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms

DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)

Itrsquos a girl

The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby

to a NURSE to be washed off

ELISE

How is she

DOCTOR

No complications so far Very

fortunate for a couple your age

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

TIME CUT TO

Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a

chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed

Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn

ELISE

Isnrsquot she precious

MATT

I canrsquot believe we did it After

all these years we finally did it

Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek

A beat of silence falls on the hospital

Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like

falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating

beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames

crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital

bed

DEVIL

Elise

Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the

bed allows Dani cries

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

You know why Irsquom here You breached

our contract

ELISE

I found a loophole With all the

lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault

you canrsquot write an airtight

contract

The Devil lets out an indignant snort

DEVIL

Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal

with me Now I break you

He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his

grin to the side

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos

name

Danielle

DEVIL

Danielle Meaning God is my judge

Satan laughs

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

How appropriate

ELISE

God damn it What do you want

DEVIL

16

Oh I donrsquot know

He looks from Elise to her daughter and back

ELISE

(reluctant)

No You gave us this You canrsquot

take our baby

DEVIL

Naked came I out of my motherrsquos

womb and naked shall I return

thither the Lord gave and the

Lord hath taken away blessed be

the name of the Lord

Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before

spitting a wad of fire onto the ground

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute

shit I donrsquot want the baby Just

your assured misery I lay a curse

on little Danielle Should you or

anyone else touch her a family

member will perish Donrsquot worry

though if you love your husband or

your mother more you can just

leave her in the crib to rot

Elise and Satan stare each other down

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The choice is yours

The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the

flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries

between them

TIME CUT TO

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about

ELISE

I think shersquos hungry What do we

do

Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives

it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her

mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile

floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly

shaking her head

MATT

Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll

take our chances

Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones

look to one another A tense silence fills the room before

they all let out a relieved sigh

Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face

MATT (CONTrsquoD)

Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone

want anything

The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt

walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a

groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles

turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt

He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his

body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks

his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes

her head

The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back

at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from

its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the

side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his

neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words

coming out a hoarse whisper

MATT

(The Devilrsquos voice)

This is only the beginning

The body falls limp

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER

Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo

Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to

18

only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the

changing table a TV is heard from the next room

Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand

into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear

zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box

for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to

the baby

TIME CUT TO

Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile

playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant

half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper

GRAMMY

Elise

ELISE (OS)

Yeah

GRAMMY

An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos

funeral came in the mail today

ELISE (OS)

Jeez How old was she

GRAMMY

24 Are we going

Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby

giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration

ELISE (OS)

Irsquoll have to--

Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist

Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in

the next room

GRAMMY

Elise

Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room

CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over

eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly

strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she

looks to the grinning baby

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER

Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo

On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a

fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos

strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler

Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a

grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she

curtsies

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - LATER

Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs

speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy

stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a

hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes

shifting around the room

A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something

snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy

pulls Dani closer

WOMAN

Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter

is just phenomenal Only five years

old and playing like that

Dani smiles before shyly speaking

DANI

Irsquom four

She holds up four fingers

WOMAN

My word Yoursquore a little Mozart

arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had

half your talent

The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and

Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years

old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an

20

untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin

like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face

shaking her head

The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile

WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)

Anyway you were fabulous today

Keep it up

Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem

to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a

congratulatory but condescending pat on the head

Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand

Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a

chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor

ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His

family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries

out a back door

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK

SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo

Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around

a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN

reports an accident at a construction site The box in the

corner displays the headline Construction Accident

17-year-old boy found dead

Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from

somewhere in the house

GRAMMY

Dani

The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a

turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered

except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off

the TV

GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)

Did you do this

Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his

family

DANI

Irsquove never seen any of those people

before

Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face

GRAMMY

Have you been wearing gloves You

know itrsquos only skin to ski--

DANI

For God sake Grammy Yes I know

what to do Itrsquos not like you let

me leave the house anyway

GRAMMY

Itrsquos for your own good

DANI

My own good I havenrsquot gone outside

in six days Irsquom going crazy In

the last month yoursquove let me out

of the house to get the mail maybe

four times I have a right to a

life you know

GRAMMY

Your mother signed away any rights

you had long ago

DANI

Maybe I should make a deal with Him

too Irsquom sure Hell is much more

bearable than here

GRAMMY

You want to leave Then go I canrsquot

look at you right now

Dani points to the TV

DANI

I didnrsquot do that

GRAMMY

Get out

Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV

22

rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door

slams Grammy flinches

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to

see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani

notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the

palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle

END FLASHBACK

RETURN TO

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the

Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips

DEVIL

You know Irsquove got your Grammy

right here Would you like to say

hi

DANI

Cut the shit Lucy

The Devil groans at the nickname

DANI (CONTrsquoD)

Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom

gonna kick your ass in this stupid

fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift

the curse

DEVIL

Or you could just let me bring you

to Hell now

DANI

And why would I agree to that

DEVIL

Hellrsquos actually not that bad And

Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom

itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes

from time to time bad things

happen to its residents like a limb

gets chopped off or they get turned

into serpents But thatrsquos life

right

Dani stares at him unconvinced

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my

neighbor Last week he went to

visit Van Gogh in the Seventh

Circle I watched his cat while he

was gone and that thing was an

angel Adorable playful God my

kid loved it Hersquos begging me for

one now

DANI

(incredulous)

You have a kid

DEVIL

Thatrsquos not the point Whether you

win or lose you end up downstairs

with me The price for freedom is

your soul So itrsquos only a matter

of time Why donrsquot we skip this

whole battle nonsense and take you

to your new home You look like a

girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna

meet Hemingway

DANI

Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose

DEVIL

Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the

fucking devil Irsquom not scared of

anything

Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over

each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted

under the moon they played He plays the call and she the

response For every question his nimble extremities sing to

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 3: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

4

UNTITLEDJenny Cho

Ever since I learned to hold my tongue

My motherrsquos dragged me to our silt-gray church

Such buildings are unfriendly to the young

To those who have not yet been taught to search

For something thatrsquos not there as I had not

Then as I aged I thought I understood

The power in the hymns and statues wrought

From iron and from faith and from dark wood

Or even if I did not understand

I thought the others did and I recalled

The words of those whorsquod felt the Fatherrsquos hand

The words of one who had seemed so enthralled

(My mother) by this house on serious earth

She had not thought to question from her birth

Now that Irsquove grown deliberated read

The Scriptures that they taught and did not teach

Now after tasting wine and breaking bread

And listening to inconsistent speech

I think I may have been mistaken Yet

On those rare weekends when Irsquom home I still

Sit and suffer myself to be beset

By words of those who say they know the thrill

Of faith I do try but I canrsquot conceive

Of what they mean Perhaps theyrsquore comforted

By always being told what to believe

What difference will it make when they are dead

I hate it Still I kneel and still I stand

And at the Lordrsquos Prayer hold my motherrsquos hand

Mary Berman

6

1 The last thing she said was my name She said my name and stopped breathing She said my name and I stopped breathing2 She says her legs hurt The ice doesnrsquot help Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see they hurt Shersquos crying I rub and rub her legs with cream My arms are sore but if I slow down it hurts Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see we hurt3 We need to bathe her Maybe shersquoll feel better She canrsquot stand so I carry her Maybe if we bathe her shersquoll get up tomorrow Maybe the water will make it all better Only I can bathe her Nobody else I dip a towel in water and begin to rub Be gentle Be gentle Donrsquot move me too much I dip the towel in water and gently scrub I feel the tumor in her back the tumor in her head the tumor in her leg Therersquos a tumor I dip the towel in water and I rub praying that it wonrsquot move me too much4 She says shersquos too tired to go out and play Not even for ice cream No not today She says that the wheelchair is too much to carry She says if it didnrsquot hurt maybe she would walk But today she is tired Maybe tomorrow we can go out and play5 Chemo and radiation every day at three I run out of school to pick her up Shersquos always so pretty dressing in pink Any other little girl would look healthy Shersquos always so pretty hidden beneath her blanket She says shersquos too weary to walk on her own I squat to the floor and let her hug my neck I pick up her legs and make sure it doesnrsquot hurt I canrsquot do harsh movements when Irsquom carrying her Together as one we go through the door Security knows us the best friend and her She is the angel I am the wings I help her fly and I feel the wind 6 The doctor says she can go out today Bring her back tomorrow We get in the car and drive for a long

time She falls asleep One night our night Today we can I drive to Santarsquos Enchanted Forest We laugh as she sits next to me on the rides We spin Itrsquos not as bad as chemo she says We laugh I buy her a snow cone and she spills it on her shirt Covered in red but laughing she glows Our night We laugh and drive back to IVrsquos and such7 Movie nights in the hospital Those are the best Microwave brownies Popcorn Sushi She laughs as we eat I eat caviar and she says she doesnrsquot want fishies growing in her belly The nurse comes in and says she needs platelets hanging the bag from her IV pole then leaving She says she feels itchy Her eyes start to swell They forgot the Benadryl I run to the nurses I say she canrsquot breathe They donrsquot let me in until she is asleep They say itrsquos an allergy They say shersquoll be fine I fight them until I am by her side 8 We swam in the pool and baked cakes at my house We jumped in the pool holding hands came out of the water and couldnrsquot stand We swam to the edge and held on for dear life We laughed at each other for not being able to swim When we got out I cleaned her port Alcohol prep pads gauze and bandaids The things I always kept in my purse 9 We went to butterfly world She loved it so much She picked up a sick butterfly and helped it fly One landed on her head I ran for my camera but landed facedown on the floor instead She just stood there with a butterfly on her head laughing at me 10 I see her She is fine Even her peach fuzz is gone I look at her and shersquos fine Yet the doctor sayrsquos shersquos going to die I see my friend and I canrsquot think The doctor says she has ten weeks to live I see her now her eyes a bit weak Please doctor donrsquot tell her She canrsquot know I hug her mom I tell her wersquore strong and from now on we have to just make her happy Please doctor donrsquot tell me I canrsquot know I just want us to be happy

THE

GIR

L I C

ARR

YLa

ura

Gra

u

Stock photo courtesy of Piotr Menducki

8

Colleen McDermott

FULL O

F HOT AIR Lararsquos temples throbbed as her boss flung

accusations and petty remarks at her They were

all completely unnecessary but it wasnrsquot like he

was the type to appreciate the hours of work that

went into a project or understand the difference

between a reasonable request and an unreasonable

mandate She exhaled through clenched teeth

emptying her lungs so deliberately as if requiring

attention from usually autonomous functions

would be able to keep the tears from coming

When it was over she used every ounce

of restraint not to slam the hardwood office

door The second she got to her own office she

tore off her heels- the clacking was making her

headache worse She headed for the elevators

and jabbed the button for the lobby This of

course was the day the elevator stopped on

six of the eleven floors between Lara and her

sanity and she congratulated herself on not

yelling ldquoIs there something wrong with the

stairsrdquo to the lady who got on the second floor

Finally she was free She didnrsquot care that she

looked as if she were on a walk of shame she fled

the office heels in hand The smooth pavement

felt good on the balls of her feet A passerby told

her it was dangerous to walk in the city barefoot

Lara figured that if she got tetanus or hepatitis she

at least wouldnrsquot have to go to work tomorrow

All of a sudden Lara broke her stride She

shook her head in disbelief her boss stood on the

corner ahead of her She put her head down and

hoped to power walk past him so he wouldnrsquot see

her As she approached him the density of the

crowd before her lessened allowing her to see

him clearly Lara breathed a sigh of relief- it wasnrsquot

actually him It was only his head floating above the

ground attached to a cotton string like a balloon

Lara laughed as her bossrsquos head floated

gingerly above the sidewalk He looked

bewildered but seemed unable to speak let

alone yell A sly smile crept across her face

and she took his string in her hand She tied

him around her wrist as if she were a child and

continued walking She glanced up at him as she

crossed 49th street He was changing His ears were

bigger now almost simian Each block the two

traveled together brought more exaggerations

to his features until he resembled a mere

caricature of himself Lara liked it better this way

She held her head high as she neared her

exrsquos place She hated that it was smack dab in the

middle of the quickest route to her apartment

She told herself she was over what had happened

because she was finally past the point of walking

ten blocks out of her way just to avoid the chance

of seeing him She really only had run into him on

a couple of occasions but it was never a pleasant

encounter He was always so polite to her so calm

10

He really thought he had never done anything

wrong Every time she saw him the casual glibness

irked Lara so much it was all she could do to slap

him across the face in the middle of the sidewalk

Inevitably after these encounters she

would find herself at the gym listening to the

angsty punk music she should have outgrown by

now and she would run until she wasnrsquot so upset

She would run through the flashbacks of the

insults that swirled through her head She would

run through the sense of loss for what had once

been such a good thing She never could have

imagined that a relationship she thought was

absolutely perfect would end with him callously

telling her he couldnrsquot stand to spend another

three hours with her and that he could go a year

without being intimate with anyone as long as

it meant hersquod never have to see her again Lara

never knew what she could have possibly done

to him but had given up trying to figure it out

Of course her ex was outside his building

today Lara strode toward him Today might

just be the day she actually slapped him She

reached out to strike him but discovered he

too was not really himself Lara chuckled at this

realization and slapped the balloon head of

her ex anyway Then she tied him to the same

wrist her boss was on She figured they could

be friends since they had so much in common

A couple blocks later Lara smiled

as she examined the grotesqueness of the

newly caricature-ized features that her ex

had She kept sneaking secret glances and

felt a rush of smug triumph with every look

In the park Lara found another balloon

It was her college roommate who had not only

let her boyfriend live with them without asking

and without making him paying rent but ran

off with him while they still had three months

left on their lease She never returned and never

sent Lara a check She left Lara with an apartment

she had no way of affording on her own and no

prospect of someone to sublet with only a few

months of college left She eagerly added her

roommate balloon to the growing collection

muttering that she belonged with her people

After that Lara vowed to collect the

rest of them and took off through the city for

balloons to add to her growing bunch She found

her statistics professor floating near a bench

acting as if he had never failed her because she

had refused to sleep with him He joined the

collection and fit right in growing ugly just like

the others Lara found her high school soccer

coach in the park too She plucked him from

the sidelines of a game before he had a chance

to badmouth another player to every college

scout just because she wouldnrsquot leave her club

team to play for his sketchy startup group

As her collection grew Lara felt herself get

lighter and she decided to broaden the circle

She found the girl who told everyone else on the

soccer team that Lara was bulimic the day after

she had food poisoning At least she and the

coach already knew each other so there wouldnrsquot

be any awkward tensions in the balloon bunch

She found the teacher from middle

school who took the note with the name of the

boy Lara had a crush on and read it to the entire

school over the PA system She found her piano

teacher who used to make her cry no matter how

beautifully she would play She found the girls

in from seventh grade who told Lara she was fat

because she wasnrsquot allowed to weigh 100 pounds

until she was sixteen She even collected Davy

Commisky and Billy OrsquoToole from elementary

school They were the ones who put glue in her

hair and told her it was anti-cootie medicine

Lara had quite a collection by the time

she had made her rounds She paced for awhile

until she was sure all of their transformations had

been completed The world now could see what

shersquod always known-exactly how ugly they were

Finally she took all of her balloons and

climbed to the roof of her building She took one

last look at their distorted features with a perverse

sense of pride She let herself be angry She let

herself hate them for a minute Then slowly she

untied them all from her wrist looked at them all

one last time and let them go

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE I was cleaning out a binder I

used to use for biochemistry lab and found one

of my old sketches (I clearly used downtime

during experiments wisely) so I decided to give

it a story

12

THE FIDDLERKat Lewis

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through

the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in

the road

DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but

torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with

determination She carries a violin case to the center of

the crossroad

Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she

unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her

neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24

As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips

around her The light above her head grows brighter until it

bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the

moonbeam She stops playing

Silence blankets the desert

Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over

her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the

other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears

above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk

DEVIL

Are you here to challenge me

DANI

No Irsquom here to defeat you

The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle

DEVIL

Oh child That is some big talk

for a little girl like you What

business do you have with me

Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the

mouth They squint at the girl

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone

DANI

Itrsquos just Dani

The Devilrsquos grin widens

14

FADE IN

DEVIL

Irsquove been waiting for you

INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT

FLASHBACK TO

Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches

the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s

pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her

hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand

Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed

DOCTOR

Just one more push Elise Yoursquore

doing great

Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as

the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms

DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)

Itrsquos a girl

The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby

to a NURSE to be washed off

ELISE

How is she

DOCTOR

No complications so far Very

fortunate for a couple your age

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

TIME CUT TO

Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a

chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed

Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn

ELISE

Isnrsquot she precious

MATT

I canrsquot believe we did it After

all these years we finally did it

Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek

A beat of silence falls on the hospital

Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like

falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating

beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames

crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital

bed

DEVIL

Elise

Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the

bed allows Dani cries

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

You know why Irsquom here You breached

our contract

ELISE

I found a loophole With all the

lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault

you canrsquot write an airtight

contract

The Devil lets out an indignant snort

DEVIL

Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal

with me Now I break you

He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his

grin to the side

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos

name

Danielle

DEVIL

Danielle Meaning God is my judge

Satan laughs

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

How appropriate

ELISE

God damn it What do you want

DEVIL

16

Oh I donrsquot know

He looks from Elise to her daughter and back

ELISE

(reluctant)

No You gave us this You canrsquot

take our baby

DEVIL

Naked came I out of my motherrsquos

womb and naked shall I return

thither the Lord gave and the

Lord hath taken away blessed be

the name of the Lord

Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before

spitting a wad of fire onto the ground

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute

shit I donrsquot want the baby Just

your assured misery I lay a curse

on little Danielle Should you or

anyone else touch her a family

member will perish Donrsquot worry

though if you love your husband or

your mother more you can just

leave her in the crib to rot

Elise and Satan stare each other down

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The choice is yours

The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the

flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries

between them

TIME CUT TO

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about

ELISE

I think shersquos hungry What do we

do

Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives

it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her

mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile

floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly

shaking her head

MATT

Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll

take our chances

Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones

look to one another A tense silence fills the room before

they all let out a relieved sigh

Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face

MATT (CONTrsquoD)

Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone

want anything

The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt

walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a

groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles

turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt

He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his

body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks

his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes

her head

The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back

at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from

its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the

side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his

neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words

coming out a hoarse whisper

MATT

(The Devilrsquos voice)

This is only the beginning

The body falls limp

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER

Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo

Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to

18

only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the

changing table a TV is heard from the next room

Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand

into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear

zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box

for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to

the baby

TIME CUT TO

Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile

playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant

half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper

GRAMMY

Elise

ELISE (OS)

Yeah

GRAMMY

An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos

funeral came in the mail today

ELISE (OS)

Jeez How old was she

GRAMMY

24 Are we going

Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby

giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration

ELISE (OS)

Irsquoll have to--

Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist

Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in

the next room

GRAMMY

Elise

Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room

CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over

eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly

strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she

looks to the grinning baby

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER

Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo

On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a

fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos

strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler

Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a

grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she

curtsies

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - LATER

Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs

speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy

stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a

hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes

shifting around the room

A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something

snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy

pulls Dani closer

WOMAN

Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter

is just phenomenal Only five years

old and playing like that

Dani smiles before shyly speaking

DANI

Irsquom four

She holds up four fingers

WOMAN

My word Yoursquore a little Mozart

arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had

half your talent

The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and

Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years

old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an

20

untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin

like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face

shaking her head

The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile

WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)

Anyway you were fabulous today

Keep it up

Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem

to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a

congratulatory but condescending pat on the head

Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand

Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a

chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor

ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His

family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries

out a back door

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK

SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo

Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around

a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN

reports an accident at a construction site The box in the

corner displays the headline Construction Accident

17-year-old boy found dead

Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from

somewhere in the house

GRAMMY

Dani

The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a

turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered

except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off

the TV

GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)

Did you do this

Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his

family

DANI

Irsquove never seen any of those people

before

Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face

GRAMMY

Have you been wearing gloves You

know itrsquos only skin to ski--

DANI

For God sake Grammy Yes I know

what to do Itrsquos not like you let

me leave the house anyway

GRAMMY

Itrsquos for your own good

DANI

My own good I havenrsquot gone outside

in six days Irsquom going crazy In

the last month yoursquove let me out

of the house to get the mail maybe

four times I have a right to a

life you know

GRAMMY

Your mother signed away any rights

you had long ago

DANI

Maybe I should make a deal with Him

too Irsquom sure Hell is much more

bearable than here

GRAMMY

You want to leave Then go I canrsquot

look at you right now

Dani points to the TV

DANI

I didnrsquot do that

GRAMMY

Get out

Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV

22

rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door

slams Grammy flinches

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to

see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani

notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the

palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle

END FLASHBACK

RETURN TO

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the

Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips

DEVIL

You know Irsquove got your Grammy

right here Would you like to say

hi

DANI

Cut the shit Lucy

The Devil groans at the nickname

DANI (CONTrsquoD)

Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom

gonna kick your ass in this stupid

fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift

the curse

DEVIL

Or you could just let me bring you

to Hell now

DANI

And why would I agree to that

DEVIL

Hellrsquos actually not that bad And

Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom

itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes

from time to time bad things

happen to its residents like a limb

gets chopped off or they get turned

into serpents But thatrsquos life

right

Dani stares at him unconvinced

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my

neighbor Last week he went to

visit Van Gogh in the Seventh

Circle I watched his cat while he

was gone and that thing was an

angel Adorable playful God my

kid loved it Hersquos begging me for

one now

DANI

(incredulous)

You have a kid

DEVIL

Thatrsquos not the point Whether you

win or lose you end up downstairs

with me The price for freedom is

your soul So itrsquos only a matter

of time Why donrsquot we skip this

whole battle nonsense and take you

to your new home You look like a

girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna

meet Hemingway

DANI

Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose

DEVIL

Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the

fucking devil Irsquom not scared of

anything

Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over

each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted

under the moon they played He plays the call and she the

response For every question his nimble extremities sing to

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 4: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

6

1 The last thing she said was my name She said my name and stopped breathing She said my name and I stopped breathing2 She says her legs hurt The ice doesnrsquot help Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see they hurt Shersquos crying I rub and rub her legs with cream My arms are sore but if I slow down it hurts Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see we hurt3 We need to bathe her Maybe shersquoll feel better She canrsquot stand so I carry her Maybe if we bathe her shersquoll get up tomorrow Maybe the water will make it all better Only I can bathe her Nobody else I dip a towel in water and begin to rub Be gentle Be gentle Donrsquot move me too much I dip the towel in water and gently scrub I feel the tumor in her back the tumor in her head the tumor in her leg Therersquos a tumor I dip the towel in water and I rub praying that it wonrsquot move me too much4 She says shersquos too tired to go out and play Not even for ice cream No not today She says that the wheelchair is too much to carry She says if it didnrsquot hurt maybe she would walk But today she is tired Maybe tomorrow we can go out and play5 Chemo and radiation every day at three I run out of school to pick her up Shersquos always so pretty dressing in pink Any other little girl would look healthy Shersquos always so pretty hidden beneath her blanket She says shersquos too weary to walk on her own I squat to the floor and let her hug my neck I pick up her legs and make sure it doesnrsquot hurt I canrsquot do harsh movements when Irsquom carrying her Together as one we go through the door Security knows us the best friend and her She is the angel I am the wings I help her fly and I feel the wind 6 The doctor says she can go out today Bring her back tomorrow We get in the car and drive for a long

time She falls asleep One night our night Today we can I drive to Santarsquos Enchanted Forest We laugh as she sits next to me on the rides We spin Itrsquos not as bad as chemo she says We laugh I buy her a snow cone and she spills it on her shirt Covered in red but laughing she glows Our night We laugh and drive back to IVrsquos and such7 Movie nights in the hospital Those are the best Microwave brownies Popcorn Sushi She laughs as we eat I eat caviar and she says she doesnrsquot want fishies growing in her belly The nurse comes in and says she needs platelets hanging the bag from her IV pole then leaving She says she feels itchy Her eyes start to swell They forgot the Benadryl I run to the nurses I say she canrsquot breathe They donrsquot let me in until she is asleep They say itrsquos an allergy They say shersquoll be fine I fight them until I am by her side 8 We swam in the pool and baked cakes at my house We jumped in the pool holding hands came out of the water and couldnrsquot stand We swam to the edge and held on for dear life We laughed at each other for not being able to swim When we got out I cleaned her port Alcohol prep pads gauze and bandaids The things I always kept in my purse 9 We went to butterfly world She loved it so much She picked up a sick butterfly and helped it fly One landed on her head I ran for my camera but landed facedown on the floor instead She just stood there with a butterfly on her head laughing at me 10 I see her She is fine Even her peach fuzz is gone I look at her and shersquos fine Yet the doctor sayrsquos shersquos going to die I see my friend and I canrsquot think The doctor says she has ten weeks to live I see her now her eyes a bit weak Please doctor donrsquot tell her She canrsquot know I hug her mom I tell her wersquore strong and from now on we have to just make her happy Please doctor donrsquot tell me I canrsquot know I just want us to be happy

THE

GIR

L I C

ARR

YLa

ura

Gra

u

Stock photo courtesy of Piotr Menducki

8

Colleen McDermott

FULL O

F HOT AIR Lararsquos temples throbbed as her boss flung

accusations and petty remarks at her They were

all completely unnecessary but it wasnrsquot like he

was the type to appreciate the hours of work that

went into a project or understand the difference

between a reasonable request and an unreasonable

mandate She exhaled through clenched teeth

emptying her lungs so deliberately as if requiring

attention from usually autonomous functions

would be able to keep the tears from coming

When it was over she used every ounce

of restraint not to slam the hardwood office

door The second she got to her own office she

tore off her heels- the clacking was making her

headache worse She headed for the elevators

and jabbed the button for the lobby This of

course was the day the elevator stopped on

six of the eleven floors between Lara and her

sanity and she congratulated herself on not

yelling ldquoIs there something wrong with the

stairsrdquo to the lady who got on the second floor

Finally she was free She didnrsquot care that she

looked as if she were on a walk of shame she fled

the office heels in hand The smooth pavement

felt good on the balls of her feet A passerby told

her it was dangerous to walk in the city barefoot

Lara figured that if she got tetanus or hepatitis she

at least wouldnrsquot have to go to work tomorrow

All of a sudden Lara broke her stride She

shook her head in disbelief her boss stood on the

corner ahead of her She put her head down and

hoped to power walk past him so he wouldnrsquot see

her As she approached him the density of the

crowd before her lessened allowing her to see

him clearly Lara breathed a sigh of relief- it wasnrsquot

actually him It was only his head floating above the

ground attached to a cotton string like a balloon

Lara laughed as her bossrsquos head floated

gingerly above the sidewalk He looked

bewildered but seemed unable to speak let

alone yell A sly smile crept across her face

and she took his string in her hand She tied

him around her wrist as if she were a child and

continued walking She glanced up at him as she

crossed 49th street He was changing His ears were

bigger now almost simian Each block the two

traveled together brought more exaggerations

to his features until he resembled a mere

caricature of himself Lara liked it better this way

She held her head high as she neared her

exrsquos place She hated that it was smack dab in the

middle of the quickest route to her apartment

She told herself she was over what had happened

because she was finally past the point of walking

ten blocks out of her way just to avoid the chance

of seeing him She really only had run into him on

a couple of occasions but it was never a pleasant

encounter He was always so polite to her so calm

10

He really thought he had never done anything

wrong Every time she saw him the casual glibness

irked Lara so much it was all she could do to slap

him across the face in the middle of the sidewalk

Inevitably after these encounters she

would find herself at the gym listening to the

angsty punk music she should have outgrown by

now and she would run until she wasnrsquot so upset

She would run through the flashbacks of the

insults that swirled through her head She would

run through the sense of loss for what had once

been such a good thing She never could have

imagined that a relationship she thought was

absolutely perfect would end with him callously

telling her he couldnrsquot stand to spend another

three hours with her and that he could go a year

without being intimate with anyone as long as

it meant hersquod never have to see her again Lara

never knew what she could have possibly done

to him but had given up trying to figure it out

Of course her ex was outside his building

today Lara strode toward him Today might

just be the day she actually slapped him She

reached out to strike him but discovered he

too was not really himself Lara chuckled at this

realization and slapped the balloon head of

her ex anyway Then she tied him to the same

wrist her boss was on She figured they could

be friends since they had so much in common

A couple blocks later Lara smiled

as she examined the grotesqueness of the

newly caricature-ized features that her ex

had She kept sneaking secret glances and

felt a rush of smug triumph with every look

In the park Lara found another balloon

It was her college roommate who had not only

let her boyfriend live with them without asking

and without making him paying rent but ran

off with him while they still had three months

left on their lease She never returned and never

sent Lara a check She left Lara with an apartment

she had no way of affording on her own and no

prospect of someone to sublet with only a few

months of college left She eagerly added her

roommate balloon to the growing collection

muttering that she belonged with her people

After that Lara vowed to collect the

rest of them and took off through the city for

balloons to add to her growing bunch She found

her statistics professor floating near a bench

acting as if he had never failed her because she

had refused to sleep with him He joined the

collection and fit right in growing ugly just like

the others Lara found her high school soccer

coach in the park too She plucked him from

the sidelines of a game before he had a chance

to badmouth another player to every college

scout just because she wouldnrsquot leave her club

team to play for his sketchy startup group

As her collection grew Lara felt herself get

lighter and she decided to broaden the circle

She found the girl who told everyone else on the

soccer team that Lara was bulimic the day after

she had food poisoning At least she and the

coach already knew each other so there wouldnrsquot

be any awkward tensions in the balloon bunch

She found the teacher from middle

school who took the note with the name of the

boy Lara had a crush on and read it to the entire

school over the PA system She found her piano

teacher who used to make her cry no matter how

beautifully she would play She found the girls

in from seventh grade who told Lara she was fat

because she wasnrsquot allowed to weigh 100 pounds

until she was sixteen She even collected Davy

Commisky and Billy OrsquoToole from elementary

school They were the ones who put glue in her

hair and told her it was anti-cootie medicine

Lara had quite a collection by the time

she had made her rounds She paced for awhile

until she was sure all of their transformations had

been completed The world now could see what

shersquod always known-exactly how ugly they were

Finally she took all of her balloons and

climbed to the roof of her building She took one

last look at their distorted features with a perverse

sense of pride She let herself be angry She let

herself hate them for a minute Then slowly she

untied them all from her wrist looked at them all

one last time and let them go

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE I was cleaning out a binder I

used to use for biochemistry lab and found one

of my old sketches (I clearly used downtime

during experiments wisely) so I decided to give

it a story

12

THE FIDDLERKat Lewis

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through

the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in

the road

DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but

torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with

determination She carries a violin case to the center of

the crossroad

Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she

unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her

neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24

As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips

around her The light above her head grows brighter until it

bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the

moonbeam She stops playing

Silence blankets the desert

Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over

her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the

other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears

above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk

DEVIL

Are you here to challenge me

DANI

No Irsquom here to defeat you

The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle

DEVIL

Oh child That is some big talk

for a little girl like you What

business do you have with me

Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the

mouth They squint at the girl

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone

DANI

Itrsquos just Dani

The Devilrsquos grin widens

14

FADE IN

DEVIL

Irsquove been waiting for you

INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT

FLASHBACK TO

Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches

the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s

pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her

hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand

Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed

DOCTOR

Just one more push Elise Yoursquore

doing great

Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as

the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms

DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)

Itrsquos a girl

The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby

to a NURSE to be washed off

ELISE

How is she

DOCTOR

No complications so far Very

fortunate for a couple your age

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

TIME CUT TO

Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a

chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed

Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn

ELISE

Isnrsquot she precious

MATT

I canrsquot believe we did it After

all these years we finally did it

Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek

A beat of silence falls on the hospital

Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like

falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating

beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames

crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital

bed

DEVIL

Elise

Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the

bed allows Dani cries

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

You know why Irsquom here You breached

our contract

ELISE

I found a loophole With all the

lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault

you canrsquot write an airtight

contract

The Devil lets out an indignant snort

DEVIL

Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal

with me Now I break you

He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his

grin to the side

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos

name

Danielle

DEVIL

Danielle Meaning God is my judge

Satan laughs

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

How appropriate

ELISE

God damn it What do you want

DEVIL

16

Oh I donrsquot know

He looks from Elise to her daughter and back

ELISE

(reluctant)

No You gave us this You canrsquot

take our baby

DEVIL

Naked came I out of my motherrsquos

womb and naked shall I return

thither the Lord gave and the

Lord hath taken away blessed be

the name of the Lord

Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before

spitting a wad of fire onto the ground

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute

shit I donrsquot want the baby Just

your assured misery I lay a curse

on little Danielle Should you or

anyone else touch her a family

member will perish Donrsquot worry

though if you love your husband or

your mother more you can just

leave her in the crib to rot

Elise and Satan stare each other down

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The choice is yours

The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the

flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries

between them

TIME CUT TO

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about

ELISE

I think shersquos hungry What do we

do

Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives

it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her

mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile

floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly

shaking her head

MATT

Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll

take our chances

Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones

look to one another A tense silence fills the room before

they all let out a relieved sigh

Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face

MATT (CONTrsquoD)

Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone

want anything

The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt

walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a

groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles

turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt

He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his

body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks

his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes

her head

The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back

at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from

its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the

side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his

neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words

coming out a hoarse whisper

MATT

(The Devilrsquos voice)

This is only the beginning

The body falls limp

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER

Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo

Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to

18

only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the

changing table a TV is heard from the next room

Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand

into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear

zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box

for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to

the baby

TIME CUT TO

Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile

playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant

half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper

GRAMMY

Elise

ELISE (OS)

Yeah

GRAMMY

An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos

funeral came in the mail today

ELISE (OS)

Jeez How old was she

GRAMMY

24 Are we going

Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby

giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration

ELISE (OS)

Irsquoll have to--

Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist

Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in

the next room

GRAMMY

Elise

Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room

CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over

eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly

strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she

looks to the grinning baby

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER

Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo

On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a

fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos

strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler

Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a

grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she

curtsies

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - LATER

Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs

speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy

stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a

hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes

shifting around the room

A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something

snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy

pulls Dani closer

WOMAN

Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter

is just phenomenal Only five years

old and playing like that

Dani smiles before shyly speaking

DANI

Irsquom four

She holds up four fingers

WOMAN

My word Yoursquore a little Mozart

arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had

half your talent

The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and

Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years

old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an

20

untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin

like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face

shaking her head

The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile

WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)

Anyway you were fabulous today

Keep it up

Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem

to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a

congratulatory but condescending pat on the head

Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand

Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a

chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor

ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His

family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries

out a back door

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK

SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo

Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around

a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN

reports an accident at a construction site The box in the

corner displays the headline Construction Accident

17-year-old boy found dead

Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from

somewhere in the house

GRAMMY

Dani

The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a

turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered

except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off

the TV

GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)

Did you do this

Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his

family

DANI

Irsquove never seen any of those people

before

Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face

GRAMMY

Have you been wearing gloves You

know itrsquos only skin to ski--

DANI

For God sake Grammy Yes I know

what to do Itrsquos not like you let

me leave the house anyway

GRAMMY

Itrsquos for your own good

DANI

My own good I havenrsquot gone outside

in six days Irsquom going crazy In

the last month yoursquove let me out

of the house to get the mail maybe

four times I have a right to a

life you know

GRAMMY

Your mother signed away any rights

you had long ago

DANI

Maybe I should make a deal with Him

too Irsquom sure Hell is much more

bearable than here

GRAMMY

You want to leave Then go I canrsquot

look at you right now

Dani points to the TV

DANI

I didnrsquot do that

GRAMMY

Get out

Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV

22

rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door

slams Grammy flinches

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to

see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani

notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the

palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle

END FLASHBACK

RETURN TO

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the

Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips

DEVIL

You know Irsquove got your Grammy

right here Would you like to say

hi

DANI

Cut the shit Lucy

The Devil groans at the nickname

DANI (CONTrsquoD)

Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom

gonna kick your ass in this stupid

fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift

the curse

DEVIL

Or you could just let me bring you

to Hell now

DANI

And why would I agree to that

DEVIL

Hellrsquos actually not that bad And

Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom

itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes

from time to time bad things

happen to its residents like a limb

gets chopped off or they get turned

into serpents But thatrsquos life

right

Dani stares at him unconvinced

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my

neighbor Last week he went to

visit Van Gogh in the Seventh

Circle I watched his cat while he

was gone and that thing was an

angel Adorable playful God my

kid loved it Hersquos begging me for

one now

DANI

(incredulous)

You have a kid

DEVIL

Thatrsquos not the point Whether you

win or lose you end up downstairs

with me The price for freedom is

your soul So itrsquos only a matter

of time Why donrsquot we skip this

whole battle nonsense and take you

to your new home You look like a

girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna

meet Hemingway

DANI

Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose

DEVIL

Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the

fucking devil Irsquom not scared of

anything

Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over

each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted

under the moon they played He plays the call and she the

response For every question his nimble extremities sing to

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 5: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

8

Colleen McDermott

FULL O

F HOT AIR Lararsquos temples throbbed as her boss flung

accusations and petty remarks at her They were

all completely unnecessary but it wasnrsquot like he

was the type to appreciate the hours of work that

went into a project or understand the difference

between a reasonable request and an unreasonable

mandate She exhaled through clenched teeth

emptying her lungs so deliberately as if requiring

attention from usually autonomous functions

would be able to keep the tears from coming

When it was over she used every ounce

of restraint not to slam the hardwood office

door The second she got to her own office she

tore off her heels- the clacking was making her

headache worse She headed for the elevators

and jabbed the button for the lobby This of

course was the day the elevator stopped on

six of the eleven floors between Lara and her

sanity and she congratulated herself on not

yelling ldquoIs there something wrong with the

stairsrdquo to the lady who got on the second floor

Finally she was free She didnrsquot care that she

looked as if she were on a walk of shame she fled

the office heels in hand The smooth pavement

felt good on the balls of her feet A passerby told

her it was dangerous to walk in the city barefoot

Lara figured that if she got tetanus or hepatitis she

at least wouldnrsquot have to go to work tomorrow

All of a sudden Lara broke her stride She

shook her head in disbelief her boss stood on the

corner ahead of her She put her head down and

hoped to power walk past him so he wouldnrsquot see

her As she approached him the density of the

crowd before her lessened allowing her to see

him clearly Lara breathed a sigh of relief- it wasnrsquot

actually him It was only his head floating above the

ground attached to a cotton string like a balloon

Lara laughed as her bossrsquos head floated

gingerly above the sidewalk He looked

bewildered but seemed unable to speak let

alone yell A sly smile crept across her face

and she took his string in her hand She tied

him around her wrist as if she were a child and

continued walking She glanced up at him as she

crossed 49th street He was changing His ears were

bigger now almost simian Each block the two

traveled together brought more exaggerations

to his features until he resembled a mere

caricature of himself Lara liked it better this way

She held her head high as she neared her

exrsquos place She hated that it was smack dab in the

middle of the quickest route to her apartment

She told herself she was over what had happened

because she was finally past the point of walking

ten blocks out of her way just to avoid the chance

of seeing him She really only had run into him on

a couple of occasions but it was never a pleasant

encounter He was always so polite to her so calm

10

He really thought he had never done anything

wrong Every time she saw him the casual glibness

irked Lara so much it was all she could do to slap

him across the face in the middle of the sidewalk

Inevitably after these encounters she

would find herself at the gym listening to the

angsty punk music she should have outgrown by

now and she would run until she wasnrsquot so upset

She would run through the flashbacks of the

insults that swirled through her head She would

run through the sense of loss for what had once

been such a good thing She never could have

imagined that a relationship she thought was

absolutely perfect would end with him callously

telling her he couldnrsquot stand to spend another

three hours with her and that he could go a year

without being intimate with anyone as long as

it meant hersquod never have to see her again Lara

never knew what she could have possibly done

to him but had given up trying to figure it out

Of course her ex was outside his building

today Lara strode toward him Today might

just be the day she actually slapped him She

reached out to strike him but discovered he

too was not really himself Lara chuckled at this

realization and slapped the balloon head of

her ex anyway Then she tied him to the same

wrist her boss was on She figured they could

be friends since they had so much in common

A couple blocks later Lara smiled

as she examined the grotesqueness of the

newly caricature-ized features that her ex

had She kept sneaking secret glances and

felt a rush of smug triumph with every look

In the park Lara found another balloon

It was her college roommate who had not only

let her boyfriend live with them without asking

and without making him paying rent but ran

off with him while they still had three months

left on their lease She never returned and never

sent Lara a check She left Lara with an apartment

she had no way of affording on her own and no

prospect of someone to sublet with only a few

months of college left She eagerly added her

roommate balloon to the growing collection

muttering that she belonged with her people

After that Lara vowed to collect the

rest of them and took off through the city for

balloons to add to her growing bunch She found

her statistics professor floating near a bench

acting as if he had never failed her because she

had refused to sleep with him He joined the

collection and fit right in growing ugly just like

the others Lara found her high school soccer

coach in the park too She plucked him from

the sidelines of a game before he had a chance

to badmouth another player to every college

scout just because she wouldnrsquot leave her club

team to play for his sketchy startup group

As her collection grew Lara felt herself get

lighter and she decided to broaden the circle

She found the girl who told everyone else on the

soccer team that Lara was bulimic the day after

she had food poisoning At least she and the

coach already knew each other so there wouldnrsquot

be any awkward tensions in the balloon bunch

She found the teacher from middle

school who took the note with the name of the

boy Lara had a crush on and read it to the entire

school over the PA system She found her piano

teacher who used to make her cry no matter how

beautifully she would play She found the girls

in from seventh grade who told Lara she was fat

because she wasnrsquot allowed to weigh 100 pounds

until she was sixteen She even collected Davy

Commisky and Billy OrsquoToole from elementary

school They were the ones who put glue in her

hair and told her it was anti-cootie medicine

Lara had quite a collection by the time

she had made her rounds She paced for awhile

until she was sure all of their transformations had

been completed The world now could see what

shersquod always known-exactly how ugly they were

Finally she took all of her balloons and

climbed to the roof of her building She took one

last look at their distorted features with a perverse

sense of pride She let herself be angry She let

herself hate them for a minute Then slowly she

untied them all from her wrist looked at them all

one last time and let them go

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE I was cleaning out a binder I

used to use for biochemistry lab and found one

of my old sketches (I clearly used downtime

during experiments wisely) so I decided to give

it a story

12

THE FIDDLERKat Lewis

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through

the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in

the road

DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but

torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with

determination She carries a violin case to the center of

the crossroad

Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she

unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her

neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24

As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips

around her The light above her head grows brighter until it

bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the

moonbeam She stops playing

Silence blankets the desert

Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over

her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the

other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears

above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk

DEVIL

Are you here to challenge me

DANI

No Irsquom here to defeat you

The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle

DEVIL

Oh child That is some big talk

for a little girl like you What

business do you have with me

Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the

mouth They squint at the girl

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone

DANI

Itrsquos just Dani

The Devilrsquos grin widens

14

FADE IN

DEVIL

Irsquove been waiting for you

INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT

FLASHBACK TO

Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches

the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s

pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her

hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand

Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed

DOCTOR

Just one more push Elise Yoursquore

doing great

Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as

the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms

DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)

Itrsquos a girl

The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby

to a NURSE to be washed off

ELISE

How is she

DOCTOR

No complications so far Very

fortunate for a couple your age

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

TIME CUT TO

Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a

chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed

Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn

ELISE

Isnrsquot she precious

MATT

I canrsquot believe we did it After

all these years we finally did it

Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek

A beat of silence falls on the hospital

Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like

falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating

beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames

crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital

bed

DEVIL

Elise

Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the

bed allows Dani cries

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

You know why Irsquom here You breached

our contract

ELISE

I found a loophole With all the

lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault

you canrsquot write an airtight

contract

The Devil lets out an indignant snort

DEVIL

Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal

with me Now I break you

He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his

grin to the side

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos

name

Danielle

DEVIL

Danielle Meaning God is my judge

Satan laughs

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

How appropriate

ELISE

God damn it What do you want

DEVIL

16

Oh I donrsquot know

He looks from Elise to her daughter and back

ELISE

(reluctant)

No You gave us this You canrsquot

take our baby

DEVIL

Naked came I out of my motherrsquos

womb and naked shall I return

thither the Lord gave and the

Lord hath taken away blessed be

the name of the Lord

Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before

spitting a wad of fire onto the ground

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute

shit I donrsquot want the baby Just

your assured misery I lay a curse

on little Danielle Should you or

anyone else touch her a family

member will perish Donrsquot worry

though if you love your husband or

your mother more you can just

leave her in the crib to rot

Elise and Satan stare each other down

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The choice is yours

The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the

flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries

between them

TIME CUT TO

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about

ELISE

I think shersquos hungry What do we

do

Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives

it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her

mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile

floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly

shaking her head

MATT

Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll

take our chances

Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones

look to one another A tense silence fills the room before

they all let out a relieved sigh

Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face

MATT (CONTrsquoD)

Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone

want anything

The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt

walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a

groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles

turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt

He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his

body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks

his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes

her head

The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back

at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from

its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the

side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his

neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words

coming out a hoarse whisper

MATT

(The Devilrsquos voice)

This is only the beginning

The body falls limp

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER

Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo

Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to

18

only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the

changing table a TV is heard from the next room

Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand

into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear

zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box

for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to

the baby

TIME CUT TO

Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile

playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant

half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper

GRAMMY

Elise

ELISE (OS)

Yeah

GRAMMY

An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos

funeral came in the mail today

ELISE (OS)

Jeez How old was she

GRAMMY

24 Are we going

Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby

giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration

ELISE (OS)

Irsquoll have to--

Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist

Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in

the next room

GRAMMY

Elise

Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room

CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over

eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly

strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she

looks to the grinning baby

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER

Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo

On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a

fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos

strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler

Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a

grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she

curtsies

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - LATER

Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs

speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy

stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a

hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes

shifting around the room

A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something

snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy

pulls Dani closer

WOMAN

Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter

is just phenomenal Only five years

old and playing like that

Dani smiles before shyly speaking

DANI

Irsquom four

She holds up four fingers

WOMAN

My word Yoursquore a little Mozart

arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had

half your talent

The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and

Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years

old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an

20

untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin

like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face

shaking her head

The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile

WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)

Anyway you were fabulous today

Keep it up

Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem

to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a

congratulatory but condescending pat on the head

Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand

Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a

chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor

ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His

family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries

out a back door

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK

SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo

Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around

a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN

reports an accident at a construction site The box in the

corner displays the headline Construction Accident

17-year-old boy found dead

Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from

somewhere in the house

GRAMMY

Dani

The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a

turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered

except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off

the TV

GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)

Did you do this

Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his

family

DANI

Irsquove never seen any of those people

before

Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face

GRAMMY

Have you been wearing gloves You

know itrsquos only skin to ski--

DANI

For God sake Grammy Yes I know

what to do Itrsquos not like you let

me leave the house anyway

GRAMMY

Itrsquos for your own good

DANI

My own good I havenrsquot gone outside

in six days Irsquom going crazy In

the last month yoursquove let me out

of the house to get the mail maybe

four times I have a right to a

life you know

GRAMMY

Your mother signed away any rights

you had long ago

DANI

Maybe I should make a deal with Him

too Irsquom sure Hell is much more

bearable than here

GRAMMY

You want to leave Then go I canrsquot

look at you right now

Dani points to the TV

DANI

I didnrsquot do that

GRAMMY

Get out

Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV

22

rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door

slams Grammy flinches

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to

see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani

notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the

palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle

END FLASHBACK

RETURN TO

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the

Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips

DEVIL

You know Irsquove got your Grammy

right here Would you like to say

hi

DANI

Cut the shit Lucy

The Devil groans at the nickname

DANI (CONTrsquoD)

Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom

gonna kick your ass in this stupid

fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift

the curse

DEVIL

Or you could just let me bring you

to Hell now

DANI

And why would I agree to that

DEVIL

Hellrsquos actually not that bad And

Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom

itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes

from time to time bad things

happen to its residents like a limb

gets chopped off or they get turned

into serpents But thatrsquos life

right

Dani stares at him unconvinced

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my

neighbor Last week he went to

visit Van Gogh in the Seventh

Circle I watched his cat while he

was gone and that thing was an

angel Adorable playful God my

kid loved it Hersquos begging me for

one now

DANI

(incredulous)

You have a kid

DEVIL

Thatrsquos not the point Whether you

win or lose you end up downstairs

with me The price for freedom is

your soul So itrsquos only a matter

of time Why donrsquot we skip this

whole battle nonsense and take you

to your new home You look like a

girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna

meet Hemingway

DANI

Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose

DEVIL

Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the

fucking devil Irsquom not scared of

anything

Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over

each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted

under the moon they played He plays the call and she the

response For every question his nimble extremities sing to

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 6: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

10

He really thought he had never done anything

wrong Every time she saw him the casual glibness

irked Lara so much it was all she could do to slap

him across the face in the middle of the sidewalk

Inevitably after these encounters she

would find herself at the gym listening to the

angsty punk music she should have outgrown by

now and she would run until she wasnrsquot so upset

She would run through the flashbacks of the

insults that swirled through her head She would

run through the sense of loss for what had once

been such a good thing She never could have

imagined that a relationship she thought was

absolutely perfect would end with him callously

telling her he couldnrsquot stand to spend another

three hours with her and that he could go a year

without being intimate with anyone as long as

it meant hersquod never have to see her again Lara

never knew what she could have possibly done

to him but had given up trying to figure it out

Of course her ex was outside his building

today Lara strode toward him Today might

just be the day she actually slapped him She

reached out to strike him but discovered he

too was not really himself Lara chuckled at this

realization and slapped the balloon head of

her ex anyway Then she tied him to the same

wrist her boss was on She figured they could

be friends since they had so much in common

A couple blocks later Lara smiled

as she examined the grotesqueness of the

newly caricature-ized features that her ex

had She kept sneaking secret glances and

felt a rush of smug triumph with every look

In the park Lara found another balloon

It was her college roommate who had not only

let her boyfriend live with them without asking

and without making him paying rent but ran

off with him while they still had three months

left on their lease She never returned and never

sent Lara a check She left Lara with an apartment

she had no way of affording on her own and no

prospect of someone to sublet with only a few

months of college left She eagerly added her

roommate balloon to the growing collection

muttering that she belonged with her people

After that Lara vowed to collect the

rest of them and took off through the city for

balloons to add to her growing bunch She found

her statistics professor floating near a bench

acting as if he had never failed her because she

had refused to sleep with him He joined the

collection and fit right in growing ugly just like

the others Lara found her high school soccer

coach in the park too She plucked him from

the sidelines of a game before he had a chance

to badmouth another player to every college

scout just because she wouldnrsquot leave her club

team to play for his sketchy startup group

As her collection grew Lara felt herself get

lighter and she decided to broaden the circle

She found the girl who told everyone else on the

soccer team that Lara was bulimic the day after

she had food poisoning At least she and the

coach already knew each other so there wouldnrsquot

be any awkward tensions in the balloon bunch

She found the teacher from middle

school who took the note with the name of the

boy Lara had a crush on and read it to the entire

school over the PA system She found her piano

teacher who used to make her cry no matter how

beautifully she would play She found the girls

in from seventh grade who told Lara she was fat

because she wasnrsquot allowed to weigh 100 pounds

until she was sixteen She even collected Davy

Commisky and Billy OrsquoToole from elementary

school They were the ones who put glue in her

hair and told her it was anti-cootie medicine

Lara had quite a collection by the time

she had made her rounds She paced for awhile

until she was sure all of their transformations had

been completed The world now could see what

shersquod always known-exactly how ugly they were

Finally she took all of her balloons and

climbed to the roof of her building She took one

last look at their distorted features with a perverse

sense of pride She let herself be angry She let

herself hate them for a minute Then slowly she

untied them all from her wrist looked at them all

one last time and let them go

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE I was cleaning out a binder I

used to use for biochemistry lab and found one

of my old sketches (I clearly used downtime

during experiments wisely) so I decided to give

it a story

12

THE FIDDLERKat Lewis

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through

the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in

the road

DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but

torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with

determination She carries a violin case to the center of

the crossroad

Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she

unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her

neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24

As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips

around her The light above her head grows brighter until it

bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the

moonbeam She stops playing

Silence blankets the desert

Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over

her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the

other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears

above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk

DEVIL

Are you here to challenge me

DANI

No Irsquom here to defeat you

The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle

DEVIL

Oh child That is some big talk

for a little girl like you What

business do you have with me

Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the

mouth They squint at the girl

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone

DANI

Itrsquos just Dani

The Devilrsquos grin widens

14

FADE IN

DEVIL

Irsquove been waiting for you

INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT

FLASHBACK TO

Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches

the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s

pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her

hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand

Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed

DOCTOR

Just one more push Elise Yoursquore

doing great

Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as

the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms

DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)

Itrsquos a girl

The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby

to a NURSE to be washed off

ELISE

How is she

DOCTOR

No complications so far Very

fortunate for a couple your age

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

TIME CUT TO

Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a

chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed

Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn

ELISE

Isnrsquot she precious

MATT

I canrsquot believe we did it After

all these years we finally did it

Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek

A beat of silence falls on the hospital

Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like

falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating

beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames

crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital

bed

DEVIL

Elise

Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the

bed allows Dani cries

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

You know why Irsquom here You breached

our contract

ELISE

I found a loophole With all the

lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault

you canrsquot write an airtight

contract

The Devil lets out an indignant snort

DEVIL

Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal

with me Now I break you

He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his

grin to the side

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos

name

Danielle

DEVIL

Danielle Meaning God is my judge

Satan laughs

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

How appropriate

ELISE

God damn it What do you want

DEVIL

16

Oh I donrsquot know

He looks from Elise to her daughter and back

ELISE

(reluctant)

No You gave us this You canrsquot

take our baby

DEVIL

Naked came I out of my motherrsquos

womb and naked shall I return

thither the Lord gave and the

Lord hath taken away blessed be

the name of the Lord

Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before

spitting a wad of fire onto the ground

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute

shit I donrsquot want the baby Just

your assured misery I lay a curse

on little Danielle Should you or

anyone else touch her a family

member will perish Donrsquot worry

though if you love your husband or

your mother more you can just

leave her in the crib to rot

Elise and Satan stare each other down

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The choice is yours

The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the

flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries

between them

TIME CUT TO

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about

ELISE

I think shersquos hungry What do we

do

Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives

it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her

mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile

floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly

shaking her head

MATT

Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll

take our chances

Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones

look to one another A tense silence fills the room before

they all let out a relieved sigh

Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face

MATT (CONTrsquoD)

Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone

want anything

The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt

walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a

groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles

turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt

He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his

body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks

his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes

her head

The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back

at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from

its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the

side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his

neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words

coming out a hoarse whisper

MATT

(The Devilrsquos voice)

This is only the beginning

The body falls limp

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER

Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo

Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to

18

only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the

changing table a TV is heard from the next room

Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand

into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear

zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box

for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to

the baby

TIME CUT TO

Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile

playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant

half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper

GRAMMY

Elise

ELISE (OS)

Yeah

GRAMMY

An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos

funeral came in the mail today

ELISE (OS)

Jeez How old was she

GRAMMY

24 Are we going

Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby

giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration

ELISE (OS)

Irsquoll have to--

Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist

Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in

the next room

GRAMMY

Elise

Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room

CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over

eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly

strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she

looks to the grinning baby

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER

Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo

On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a

fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos

strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler

Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a

grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she

curtsies

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - LATER

Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs

speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy

stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a

hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes

shifting around the room

A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something

snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy

pulls Dani closer

WOMAN

Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter

is just phenomenal Only five years

old and playing like that

Dani smiles before shyly speaking

DANI

Irsquom four

She holds up four fingers

WOMAN

My word Yoursquore a little Mozart

arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had

half your talent

The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and

Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years

old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an

20

untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin

like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face

shaking her head

The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile

WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)

Anyway you were fabulous today

Keep it up

Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem

to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a

congratulatory but condescending pat on the head

Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand

Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a

chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor

ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His

family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries

out a back door

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK

SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo

Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around

a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN

reports an accident at a construction site The box in the

corner displays the headline Construction Accident

17-year-old boy found dead

Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from

somewhere in the house

GRAMMY

Dani

The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a

turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered

except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off

the TV

GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)

Did you do this

Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his

family

DANI

Irsquove never seen any of those people

before

Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face

GRAMMY

Have you been wearing gloves You

know itrsquos only skin to ski--

DANI

For God sake Grammy Yes I know

what to do Itrsquos not like you let

me leave the house anyway

GRAMMY

Itrsquos for your own good

DANI

My own good I havenrsquot gone outside

in six days Irsquom going crazy In

the last month yoursquove let me out

of the house to get the mail maybe

four times I have a right to a

life you know

GRAMMY

Your mother signed away any rights

you had long ago

DANI

Maybe I should make a deal with Him

too Irsquom sure Hell is much more

bearable than here

GRAMMY

You want to leave Then go I canrsquot

look at you right now

Dani points to the TV

DANI

I didnrsquot do that

GRAMMY

Get out

Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV

22

rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door

slams Grammy flinches

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to

see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani

notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the

palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle

END FLASHBACK

RETURN TO

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the

Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips

DEVIL

You know Irsquove got your Grammy

right here Would you like to say

hi

DANI

Cut the shit Lucy

The Devil groans at the nickname

DANI (CONTrsquoD)

Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom

gonna kick your ass in this stupid

fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift

the curse

DEVIL

Or you could just let me bring you

to Hell now

DANI

And why would I agree to that

DEVIL

Hellrsquos actually not that bad And

Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom

itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes

from time to time bad things

happen to its residents like a limb

gets chopped off or they get turned

into serpents But thatrsquos life

right

Dani stares at him unconvinced

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my

neighbor Last week he went to

visit Van Gogh in the Seventh

Circle I watched his cat while he

was gone and that thing was an

angel Adorable playful God my

kid loved it Hersquos begging me for

one now

DANI

(incredulous)

You have a kid

DEVIL

Thatrsquos not the point Whether you

win or lose you end up downstairs

with me The price for freedom is

your soul So itrsquos only a matter

of time Why donrsquot we skip this

whole battle nonsense and take you

to your new home You look like a

girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna

meet Hemingway

DANI

Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose

DEVIL

Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the

fucking devil Irsquom not scared of

anything

Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over

each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted

under the moon they played He plays the call and she the

response For every question his nimble extremities sing to

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 7: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

12

THE FIDDLERKat Lewis

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through

the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in

the road

DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but

torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with

determination She carries a violin case to the center of

the crossroad

Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she

unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her

neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24

As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips

around her The light above her head grows brighter until it

bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the

moonbeam She stops playing

Silence blankets the desert

Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over

her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the

other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears

above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk

DEVIL

Are you here to challenge me

DANI

No Irsquom here to defeat you

The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle

DEVIL

Oh child That is some big talk

for a little girl like you What

business do you have with me

Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the

mouth They squint at the girl

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone

DANI

Itrsquos just Dani

The Devilrsquos grin widens

14

FADE IN

DEVIL

Irsquove been waiting for you

INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT

FLASHBACK TO

Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches

the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s

pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her

hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand

Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed

DOCTOR

Just one more push Elise Yoursquore

doing great

Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as

the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms

DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)

Itrsquos a girl

The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby

to a NURSE to be washed off

ELISE

How is she

DOCTOR

No complications so far Very

fortunate for a couple your age

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

TIME CUT TO

Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a

chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed

Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn

ELISE

Isnrsquot she precious

MATT

I canrsquot believe we did it After

all these years we finally did it

Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek

A beat of silence falls on the hospital

Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like

falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating

beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames

crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital

bed

DEVIL

Elise

Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the

bed allows Dani cries

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

You know why Irsquom here You breached

our contract

ELISE

I found a loophole With all the

lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault

you canrsquot write an airtight

contract

The Devil lets out an indignant snort

DEVIL

Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal

with me Now I break you

He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his

grin to the side

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos

name

Danielle

DEVIL

Danielle Meaning God is my judge

Satan laughs

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

How appropriate

ELISE

God damn it What do you want

DEVIL

16

Oh I donrsquot know

He looks from Elise to her daughter and back

ELISE

(reluctant)

No You gave us this You canrsquot

take our baby

DEVIL

Naked came I out of my motherrsquos

womb and naked shall I return

thither the Lord gave and the

Lord hath taken away blessed be

the name of the Lord

Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before

spitting a wad of fire onto the ground

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute

shit I donrsquot want the baby Just

your assured misery I lay a curse

on little Danielle Should you or

anyone else touch her a family

member will perish Donrsquot worry

though if you love your husband or

your mother more you can just

leave her in the crib to rot

Elise and Satan stare each other down

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The choice is yours

The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the

flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries

between them

TIME CUT TO

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about

ELISE

I think shersquos hungry What do we

do

Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives

it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her

mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile

floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly

shaking her head

MATT

Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll

take our chances

Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones

look to one another A tense silence fills the room before

they all let out a relieved sigh

Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face

MATT (CONTrsquoD)

Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone

want anything

The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt

walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a

groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles

turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt

He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his

body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks

his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes

her head

The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back

at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from

its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the

side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his

neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words

coming out a hoarse whisper

MATT

(The Devilrsquos voice)

This is only the beginning

The body falls limp

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER

Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo

Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to

18

only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the

changing table a TV is heard from the next room

Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand

into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear

zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box

for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to

the baby

TIME CUT TO

Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile

playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant

half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper

GRAMMY

Elise

ELISE (OS)

Yeah

GRAMMY

An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos

funeral came in the mail today

ELISE (OS)

Jeez How old was she

GRAMMY

24 Are we going

Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby

giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration

ELISE (OS)

Irsquoll have to--

Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist

Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in

the next room

GRAMMY

Elise

Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room

CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over

eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly

strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she

looks to the grinning baby

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER

Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo

On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a

fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos

strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler

Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a

grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she

curtsies

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - LATER

Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs

speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy

stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a

hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes

shifting around the room

A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something

snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy

pulls Dani closer

WOMAN

Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter

is just phenomenal Only five years

old and playing like that

Dani smiles before shyly speaking

DANI

Irsquom four

She holds up four fingers

WOMAN

My word Yoursquore a little Mozart

arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had

half your talent

The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and

Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years

old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an

20

untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin

like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face

shaking her head

The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile

WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)

Anyway you were fabulous today

Keep it up

Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem

to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a

congratulatory but condescending pat on the head

Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand

Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a

chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor

ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His

family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries

out a back door

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK

SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo

Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around

a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN

reports an accident at a construction site The box in the

corner displays the headline Construction Accident

17-year-old boy found dead

Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from

somewhere in the house

GRAMMY

Dani

The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a

turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered

except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off

the TV

GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)

Did you do this

Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his

family

DANI

Irsquove never seen any of those people

before

Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face

GRAMMY

Have you been wearing gloves You

know itrsquos only skin to ski--

DANI

For God sake Grammy Yes I know

what to do Itrsquos not like you let

me leave the house anyway

GRAMMY

Itrsquos for your own good

DANI

My own good I havenrsquot gone outside

in six days Irsquom going crazy In

the last month yoursquove let me out

of the house to get the mail maybe

four times I have a right to a

life you know

GRAMMY

Your mother signed away any rights

you had long ago

DANI

Maybe I should make a deal with Him

too Irsquom sure Hell is much more

bearable than here

GRAMMY

You want to leave Then go I canrsquot

look at you right now

Dani points to the TV

DANI

I didnrsquot do that

GRAMMY

Get out

Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV

22

rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door

slams Grammy flinches

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to

see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani

notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the

palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle

END FLASHBACK

RETURN TO

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the

Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips

DEVIL

You know Irsquove got your Grammy

right here Would you like to say

hi

DANI

Cut the shit Lucy

The Devil groans at the nickname

DANI (CONTrsquoD)

Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom

gonna kick your ass in this stupid

fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift

the curse

DEVIL

Or you could just let me bring you

to Hell now

DANI

And why would I agree to that

DEVIL

Hellrsquos actually not that bad And

Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom

itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes

from time to time bad things

happen to its residents like a limb

gets chopped off or they get turned

into serpents But thatrsquos life

right

Dani stares at him unconvinced

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my

neighbor Last week he went to

visit Van Gogh in the Seventh

Circle I watched his cat while he

was gone and that thing was an

angel Adorable playful God my

kid loved it Hersquos begging me for

one now

DANI

(incredulous)

You have a kid

DEVIL

Thatrsquos not the point Whether you

win or lose you end up downstairs

with me The price for freedom is

your soul So itrsquos only a matter

of time Why donrsquot we skip this

whole battle nonsense and take you

to your new home You look like a

girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna

meet Hemingway

DANI

Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose

DEVIL

Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the

fucking devil Irsquom not scared of

anything

Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over

each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted

under the moon they played He plays the call and she the

response For every question his nimble extremities sing to

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 8: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

14

FADE IN

DEVIL

Irsquove been waiting for you

INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT

FLASHBACK TO

Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches

the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s

pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her

hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand

Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed

DOCTOR

Just one more push Elise Yoursquore

doing great

Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as

the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms

DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)

Itrsquos a girl

The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby

to a NURSE to be washed off

ELISE

How is she

DOCTOR

No complications so far Very

fortunate for a couple your age

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

TIME CUT TO

Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a

chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed

Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn

ELISE

Isnrsquot she precious

MATT

I canrsquot believe we did it After

all these years we finally did it

Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek

A beat of silence falls on the hospital

Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like

falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating

beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames

crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital

bed

DEVIL

Elise

Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the

bed allows Dani cries

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

You know why Irsquom here You breached

our contract

ELISE

I found a loophole With all the

lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault

you canrsquot write an airtight

contract

The Devil lets out an indignant snort

DEVIL

Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal

with me Now I break you

He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his

grin to the side

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos

name

Danielle

DEVIL

Danielle Meaning God is my judge

Satan laughs

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

How appropriate

ELISE

God damn it What do you want

DEVIL

16

Oh I donrsquot know

He looks from Elise to her daughter and back

ELISE

(reluctant)

No You gave us this You canrsquot

take our baby

DEVIL

Naked came I out of my motherrsquos

womb and naked shall I return

thither the Lord gave and the

Lord hath taken away blessed be

the name of the Lord

Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before

spitting a wad of fire onto the ground

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute

shit I donrsquot want the baby Just

your assured misery I lay a curse

on little Danielle Should you or

anyone else touch her a family

member will perish Donrsquot worry

though if you love your husband or

your mother more you can just

leave her in the crib to rot

Elise and Satan stare each other down

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The choice is yours

The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the

flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries

between them

TIME CUT TO

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about

ELISE

I think shersquos hungry What do we

do

Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives

it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her

mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile

floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly

shaking her head

MATT

Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll

take our chances

Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones

look to one another A tense silence fills the room before

they all let out a relieved sigh

Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face

MATT (CONTrsquoD)

Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone

want anything

The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt

walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a

groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles

turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt

He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his

body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks

his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes

her head

The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back

at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from

its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the

side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his

neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words

coming out a hoarse whisper

MATT

(The Devilrsquos voice)

This is only the beginning

The body falls limp

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER

Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo

Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to

18

only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the

changing table a TV is heard from the next room

Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand

into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear

zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box

for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to

the baby

TIME CUT TO

Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile

playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant

half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper

GRAMMY

Elise

ELISE (OS)

Yeah

GRAMMY

An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos

funeral came in the mail today

ELISE (OS)

Jeez How old was she

GRAMMY

24 Are we going

Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby

giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration

ELISE (OS)

Irsquoll have to--

Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist

Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in

the next room

GRAMMY

Elise

Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room

CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over

eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly

strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she

looks to the grinning baby

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER

Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo

On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a

fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos

strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler

Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a

grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she

curtsies

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - LATER

Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs

speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy

stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a

hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes

shifting around the room

A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something

snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy

pulls Dani closer

WOMAN

Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter

is just phenomenal Only five years

old and playing like that

Dani smiles before shyly speaking

DANI

Irsquom four

She holds up four fingers

WOMAN

My word Yoursquore a little Mozart

arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had

half your talent

The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and

Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years

old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an

20

untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin

like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face

shaking her head

The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile

WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)

Anyway you were fabulous today

Keep it up

Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem

to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a

congratulatory but condescending pat on the head

Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand

Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a

chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor

ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His

family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries

out a back door

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK

SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo

Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around

a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN

reports an accident at a construction site The box in the

corner displays the headline Construction Accident

17-year-old boy found dead

Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from

somewhere in the house

GRAMMY

Dani

The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a

turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered

except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off

the TV

GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)

Did you do this

Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his

family

DANI

Irsquove never seen any of those people

before

Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face

GRAMMY

Have you been wearing gloves You

know itrsquos only skin to ski--

DANI

For God sake Grammy Yes I know

what to do Itrsquos not like you let

me leave the house anyway

GRAMMY

Itrsquos for your own good

DANI

My own good I havenrsquot gone outside

in six days Irsquom going crazy In

the last month yoursquove let me out

of the house to get the mail maybe

four times I have a right to a

life you know

GRAMMY

Your mother signed away any rights

you had long ago

DANI

Maybe I should make a deal with Him

too Irsquom sure Hell is much more

bearable than here

GRAMMY

You want to leave Then go I canrsquot

look at you right now

Dani points to the TV

DANI

I didnrsquot do that

GRAMMY

Get out

Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV

22

rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door

slams Grammy flinches

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to

see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani

notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the

palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle

END FLASHBACK

RETURN TO

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the

Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips

DEVIL

You know Irsquove got your Grammy

right here Would you like to say

hi

DANI

Cut the shit Lucy

The Devil groans at the nickname

DANI (CONTrsquoD)

Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom

gonna kick your ass in this stupid

fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift

the curse

DEVIL

Or you could just let me bring you

to Hell now

DANI

And why would I agree to that

DEVIL

Hellrsquos actually not that bad And

Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom

itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes

from time to time bad things

happen to its residents like a limb

gets chopped off or they get turned

into serpents But thatrsquos life

right

Dani stares at him unconvinced

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my

neighbor Last week he went to

visit Van Gogh in the Seventh

Circle I watched his cat while he

was gone and that thing was an

angel Adorable playful God my

kid loved it Hersquos begging me for

one now

DANI

(incredulous)

You have a kid

DEVIL

Thatrsquos not the point Whether you

win or lose you end up downstairs

with me The price for freedom is

your soul So itrsquos only a matter

of time Why donrsquot we skip this

whole battle nonsense and take you

to your new home You look like a

girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna

meet Hemingway

DANI

Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose

DEVIL

Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the

fucking devil Irsquom not scared of

anything

Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over

each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted

under the moon they played He plays the call and she the

response For every question his nimble extremities sing to

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 9: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

16

Oh I donrsquot know

He looks from Elise to her daughter and back

ELISE

(reluctant)

No You gave us this You canrsquot

take our baby

DEVIL

Naked came I out of my motherrsquos

womb and naked shall I return

thither the Lord gave and the

Lord hath taken away blessed be

the name of the Lord

Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before

spitting a wad of fire onto the ground

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute

shit I donrsquot want the baby Just

your assured misery I lay a curse

on little Danielle Should you or

anyone else touch her a family

member will perish Donrsquot worry

though if you love your husband or

your mother more you can just

leave her in the crib to rot

Elise and Satan stare each other down

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

The choice is yours

The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the

flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries

between them

TIME CUT TO

INT HOSPITAL - LATER

Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about

ELISE

I think shersquos hungry What do we

do

Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives

it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her

mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile

floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly

shaking her head

MATT

Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll

take our chances

Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones

look to one another A tense silence fills the room before

they all let out a relieved sigh

Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face

MATT (CONTrsquoD)

Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone

want anything

The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt

walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a

groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles

turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt

He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his

body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks

his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes

her head

The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back

at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from

its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the

side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his

neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words

coming out a hoarse whisper

MATT

(The Devilrsquos voice)

This is only the beginning

The body falls limp

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER

Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo

Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to

18

only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the

changing table a TV is heard from the next room

Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand

into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear

zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box

for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to

the baby

TIME CUT TO

Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile

playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant

half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper

GRAMMY

Elise

ELISE (OS)

Yeah

GRAMMY

An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos

funeral came in the mail today

ELISE (OS)

Jeez How old was she

GRAMMY

24 Are we going

Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby

giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration

ELISE (OS)

Irsquoll have to--

Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist

Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in

the next room

GRAMMY

Elise

Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room

CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over

eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly

strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she

looks to the grinning baby

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER

Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo

On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a

fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos

strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler

Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a

grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she

curtsies

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - LATER

Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs

speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy

stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a

hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes

shifting around the room

A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something

snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy

pulls Dani closer

WOMAN

Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter

is just phenomenal Only five years

old and playing like that

Dani smiles before shyly speaking

DANI

Irsquom four

She holds up four fingers

WOMAN

My word Yoursquore a little Mozart

arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had

half your talent

The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and

Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years

old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an

20

untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin

like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face

shaking her head

The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile

WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)

Anyway you were fabulous today

Keep it up

Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem

to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a

congratulatory but condescending pat on the head

Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand

Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a

chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor

ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His

family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries

out a back door

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK

SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo

Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around

a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN

reports an accident at a construction site The box in the

corner displays the headline Construction Accident

17-year-old boy found dead

Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from

somewhere in the house

GRAMMY

Dani

The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a

turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered

except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off

the TV

GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)

Did you do this

Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his

family

DANI

Irsquove never seen any of those people

before

Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face

GRAMMY

Have you been wearing gloves You

know itrsquos only skin to ski--

DANI

For God sake Grammy Yes I know

what to do Itrsquos not like you let

me leave the house anyway

GRAMMY

Itrsquos for your own good

DANI

My own good I havenrsquot gone outside

in six days Irsquom going crazy In

the last month yoursquove let me out

of the house to get the mail maybe

four times I have a right to a

life you know

GRAMMY

Your mother signed away any rights

you had long ago

DANI

Maybe I should make a deal with Him

too Irsquom sure Hell is much more

bearable than here

GRAMMY

You want to leave Then go I canrsquot

look at you right now

Dani points to the TV

DANI

I didnrsquot do that

GRAMMY

Get out

Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV

22

rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door

slams Grammy flinches

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to

see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani

notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the

palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle

END FLASHBACK

RETURN TO

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the

Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips

DEVIL

You know Irsquove got your Grammy

right here Would you like to say

hi

DANI

Cut the shit Lucy

The Devil groans at the nickname

DANI (CONTrsquoD)

Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom

gonna kick your ass in this stupid

fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift

the curse

DEVIL

Or you could just let me bring you

to Hell now

DANI

And why would I agree to that

DEVIL

Hellrsquos actually not that bad And

Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom

itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes

from time to time bad things

happen to its residents like a limb

gets chopped off or they get turned

into serpents But thatrsquos life

right

Dani stares at him unconvinced

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my

neighbor Last week he went to

visit Van Gogh in the Seventh

Circle I watched his cat while he

was gone and that thing was an

angel Adorable playful God my

kid loved it Hersquos begging me for

one now

DANI

(incredulous)

You have a kid

DEVIL

Thatrsquos not the point Whether you

win or lose you end up downstairs

with me The price for freedom is

your soul So itrsquos only a matter

of time Why donrsquot we skip this

whole battle nonsense and take you

to your new home You look like a

girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna

meet Hemingway

DANI

Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose

DEVIL

Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the

fucking devil Irsquom not scared of

anything

Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over

each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted

under the moon they played He plays the call and she the

response For every question his nimble extremities sing to

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 10: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

18

only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the

changing table a TV is heard from the next room

Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand

into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear

zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box

for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to

the baby

TIME CUT TO

Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile

playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant

half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper

GRAMMY

Elise

ELISE (OS)

Yeah

GRAMMY

An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos

funeral came in the mail today

ELISE (OS)

Jeez How old was she

GRAMMY

24 Are we going

Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby

giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration

ELISE (OS)

Irsquoll have to--

Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist

Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in

the next room

GRAMMY

Elise

Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room

CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over

eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly

strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she

looks to the grinning baby

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER

Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo

On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a

fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos

strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler

Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a

grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she

curtsies

TIME CUT TO

INT RECITAL HALL - LATER

Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs

speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy

stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a

hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes

shifting around the room

A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something

snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy

pulls Dani closer

WOMAN

Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter

is just phenomenal Only five years

old and playing like that

Dani smiles before shyly speaking

DANI

Irsquom four

She holds up four fingers

WOMAN

My word Yoursquore a little Mozart

arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had

half your talent

The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and

Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years

old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an

20

untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin

like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face

shaking her head

The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile

WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)

Anyway you were fabulous today

Keep it up

Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem

to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a

congratulatory but condescending pat on the head

Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand

Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a

chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor

ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His

family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries

out a back door

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK

SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo

Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around

a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN

reports an accident at a construction site The box in the

corner displays the headline Construction Accident

17-year-old boy found dead

Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from

somewhere in the house

GRAMMY

Dani

The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a

turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered

except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off

the TV

GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)

Did you do this

Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his

family

DANI

Irsquove never seen any of those people

before

Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face

GRAMMY

Have you been wearing gloves You

know itrsquos only skin to ski--

DANI

For God sake Grammy Yes I know

what to do Itrsquos not like you let

me leave the house anyway

GRAMMY

Itrsquos for your own good

DANI

My own good I havenrsquot gone outside

in six days Irsquom going crazy In

the last month yoursquove let me out

of the house to get the mail maybe

four times I have a right to a

life you know

GRAMMY

Your mother signed away any rights

you had long ago

DANI

Maybe I should make a deal with Him

too Irsquom sure Hell is much more

bearable than here

GRAMMY

You want to leave Then go I canrsquot

look at you right now

Dani points to the TV

DANI

I didnrsquot do that

GRAMMY

Get out

Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV

22

rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door

slams Grammy flinches

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to

see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani

notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the

palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle

END FLASHBACK

RETURN TO

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the

Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips

DEVIL

You know Irsquove got your Grammy

right here Would you like to say

hi

DANI

Cut the shit Lucy

The Devil groans at the nickname

DANI (CONTrsquoD)

Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom

gonna kick your ass in this stupid

fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift

the curse

DEVIL

Or you could just let me bring you

to Hell now

DANI

And why would I agree to that

DEVIL

Hellrsquos actually not that bad And

Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom

itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes

from time to time bad things

happen to its residents like a limb

gets chopped off or they get turned

into serpents But thatrsquos life

right

Dani stares at him unconvinced

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my

neighbor Last week he went to

visit Van Gogh in the Seventh

Circle I watched his cat while he

was gone and that thing was an

angel Adorable playful God my

kid loved it Hersquos begging me for

one now

DANI

(incredulous)

You have a kid

DEVIL

Thatrsquos not the point Whether you

win or lose you end up downstairs

with me The price for freedom is

your soul So itrsquos only a matter

of time Why donrsquot we skip this

whole battle nonsense and take you

to your new home You look like a

girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna

meet Hemingway

DANI

Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose

DEVIL

Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the

fucking devil Irsquom not scared of

anything

Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over

each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted

under the moon they played He plays the call and she the

response For every question his nimble extremities sing to

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 11: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

20

untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin

like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face

shaking her head

The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile

WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)

Anyway you were fabulous today

Keep it up

Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem

to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a

congratulatory but condescending pat on the head

Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand

Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a

chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor

ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His

family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries

out a back door

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK

SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo

Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around

a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN

reports an accident at a construction site The box in the

corner displays the headline Construction Accident

17-year-old boy found dead

Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from

somewhere in the house

GRAMMY

Dani

The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a

turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered

except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off

the TV

GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)

Did you do this

Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his

family

DANI

Irsquove never seen any of those people

before

Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face

GRAMMY

Have you been wearing gloves You

know itrsquos only skin to ski--

DANI

For God sake Grammy Yes I know

what to do Itrsquos not like you let

me leave the house anyway

GRAMMY

Itrsquos for your own good

DANI

My own good I havenrsquot gone outside

in six days Irsquom going crazy In

the last month yoursquove let me out

of the house to get the mail maybe

four times I have a right to a

life you know

GRAMMY

Your mother signed away any rights

you had long ago

DANI

Maybe I should make a deal with Him

too Irsquom sure Hell is much more

bearable than here

GRAMMY

You want to leave Then go I canrsquot

look at you right now

Dani points to the TV

DANI

I didnrsquot do that

GRAMMY

Get out

Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV

22

rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door

slams Grammy flinches

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to

see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani

notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the

palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle

END FLASHBACK

RETURN TO

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the

Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips

DEVIL

You know Irsquove got your Grammy

right here Would you like to say

hi

DANI

Cut the shit Lucy

The Devil groans at the nickname

DANI (CONTrsquoD)

Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom

gonna kick your ass in this stupid

fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift

the curse

DEVIL

Or you could just let me bring you

to Hell now

DANI

And why would I agree to that

DEVIL

Hellrsquos actually not that bad And

Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom

itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes

from time to time bad things

happen to its residents like a limb

gets chopped off or they get turned

into serpents But thatrsquos life

right

Dani stares at him unconvinced

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my

neighbor Last week he went to

visit Van Gogh in the Seventh

Circle I watched his cat while he

was gone and that thing was an

angel Adorable playful God my

kid loved it Hersquos begging me for

one now

DANI

(incredulous)

You have a kid

DEVIL

Thatrsquos not the point Whether you

win or lose you end up downstairs

with me The price for freedom is

your soul So itrsquos only a matter

of time Why donrsquot we skip this

whole battle nonsense and take you

to your new home You look like a

girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna

meet Hemingway

DANI

Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose

DEVIL

Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the

fucking devil Irsquom not scared of

anything

Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over

each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted

under the moon they played He plays the call and she the

response For every question his nimble extremities sing to

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 12: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

22

rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door

slams Grammy flinches

TIME CUT TO

INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to

see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani

notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the

palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle

END FLASHBACK

RETURN TO

EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT

A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the

Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips

DEVIL

You know Irsquove got your Grammy

right here Would you like to say

hi

DANI

Cut the shit Lucy

The Devil groans at the nickname

DANI (CONTrsquoD)

Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom

gonna kick your ass in this stupid

fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift

the curse

DEVIL

Or you could just let me bring you

to Hell now

DANI

And why would I agree to that

DEVIL

Hellrsquos actually not that bad And

Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom

itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes

from time to time bad things

happen to its residents like a limb

gets chopped off or they get turned

into serpents But thatrsquos life

right

Dani stares at him unconvinced

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my

neighbor Last week he went to

visit Van Gogh in the Seventh

Circle I watched his cat while he

was gone and that thing was an

angel Adorable playful God my

kid loved it Hersquos begging me for

one now

DANI

(incredulous)

You have a kid

DEVIL

Thatrsquos not the point Whether you

win or lose you end up downstairs

with me The price for freedom is

your soul So itrsquos only a matter

of time Why donrsquot we skip this

whole battle nonsense and take you

to your new home You look like a

girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna

meet Hemingway

DANI

Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose

DEVIL

Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the

fucking devil Irsquom not scared of

anything

Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over

each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted

under the moon they played He plays the call and she the

response For every question his nimble extremities sing to

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 13: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

24

her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers

and strings

Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a

gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder

lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the

distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until

Plink

A string pops

Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps

playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string

dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot

stop him

They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another

one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So

fast that the last strings spark and glow red

Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and

adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another

string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and

short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks

The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the

ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a

hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil

Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together

some composure

DEVIL

God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll

lift the curse Feel free to touch

and hug and love whomever yoursquod

like But donrsquot love too much On

June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming

for you

His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a

pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The

Devil holds out a hand to Dani

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

Do we have a deal

She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces

a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of

blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her

hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the

contractrsquos dotted line

DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)

(whispering)

See you soon

His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh

whisks it away The Devil disappears

The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down

to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to

the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black

calligraphy

June 6th at 606

FADE OUT

THE END

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 14: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

26

scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever

they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout

I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream

I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything

maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain

until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die

Jennifer Baik

SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 15: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

28

I felt useless just sitting there holding your

hand After years of doing everything I could to make

you happy the only thing that was left was for me to

just be there watching you struggle to breathe You

no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were

swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The

difference was that your tears were now a desperate

plea for someone to explain to you why this was

happening Your neck was so burned They warned us

when you started radiation after your surgery that it

might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked

as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it

with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I

sat there looking at you was knowing that the little

bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the

ones taking you from me

The nurse said that the best thing I could do

was distract you Apparently memories help patients

forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate

your mind from your body with my words If only you

could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot

have closed up every time I tried to talk to you

In that last week of January I had known that

it was time You called me a few days before telling

me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over

to help you Your breathing got worse each day You

Laura Grau

I KNOW

Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu

couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and

carry you even to the bathroom At first when the

cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my

back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod

make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the

lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me

going everyday It would come out of your stomach

as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little

because your cheeks would go up so much when

you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they

wondered why an eighteen year old like me was

laughing so much with an eleven year old in the

hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was

that we were together two warriors fighting your

cancer

Now it was time for me to be strong for you

One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom

of my school one day that I had always been the

one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say

ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept

fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go

My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you

that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could

not bring myself to give you permission to go when

I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you

ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we

went to butterfly worldrdquo

You opened your eyes and nodded You had

been in remission and your hair was growing back

It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all

the butterflies You found a white one on the ground

It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed

it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life

you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew

away My angel you fixed her

Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took

the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved

underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled

right next to you I could see that on your hand

was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone

shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and

one day when we were waiting for your appointment

in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig

Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never

took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little

piece of metal would keep you with me It always

reminded me of all the things people thought we

were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a

little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me

as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter

is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to

be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my

daughter My friends knew you were my best friend

After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday

nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back

I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my

daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond

anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were

soul mates

Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 16: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

30

stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the

darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before

We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing

Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about

some boy I liked and you were telling me about the

boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom

used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You

told me that one day you told him you loved him You

even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at

the idea that you had a better love life than me even

if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because

cancer is a disease that makes people erase those

limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong

your friendship so powerful and your will to live so

invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness

Thatrsquos what cancer taught us

My time to prove it to you was running out I

couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much

I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon

there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story

They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore

about to die You and I were reliving our moments

together You nodded every time I brought to the

light a memory Before going to the movies dancing

at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways

to encourage you to keep going Now these things

were becoming the strongest morphine I could see

your face relax as I continued telling you our story I

could see the pain go away My pain only increased I

thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza

Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One

hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I

found you Standing before a crowd in your purple

hat you told jokes We were the ones that were

supposed to make you happy but you just stood

there pulling me towards you with your wonderful

smile After that day I could never stay away When I

ran out of words to say I realized you were spending

more time unconscious than conscious now You

hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and

I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You

had to know so I sang like the many times we sang

together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by

Chris Brown

ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can

make I pray to God everyday That you keep that

smilerdquo

You hummed You hummed along as my lips

pronounced the lyrics You came back

ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing

right next to yourdquo

I knew then that my friend had been right You

were going to keep fighting You always had plans

You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family

would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless

you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan

You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed

your arm for hours growing weaker You had been

strong for six years in your battle against cancer and

I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend

to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer

like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I

cried by your bedside while your family stepped out

of the room They knew this good bye would never

be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who

fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings

were spreading I wept

ldquoSandykinsrdquo

You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo

You opened your eyes

ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove

fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of

your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and

so is your mommy I promiserdquo

You closed your eyes

ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close

your eyes and have the sweetest of

dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You

nodded

I kissed your forehead and I walked towards

the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo

ldquoI knowrdquo

Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still

remember getting the phone call an hour

after I left your room The nurse said that it takes

around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like

yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand

why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had

At your funeral your family told me that you

called out my name with your last breath Your mom

still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were

calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had

promised to always be next to each other but I could

not believe that my name was the last thing you said

Now I understand When you promised me to have

sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven

You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You

were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what

you were about to do just like you always yelled my

name when you were going to show me something

extraordinary

Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay

down outside in the middle of the night and look at

the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the

first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas

concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones

and the stadium looked like a starry night You were

so concentrated on the music on stage that it took

you a while to realize what was happening Your arms

were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so

you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you

turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic

going through your body as if there was nothing in

the world you wanted more than to stay there forever

I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to

let me stay there right next to you

I know

Thatrsquos all that matters

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 17: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

32

FOLLIESEvelyn Ho

Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu

null

32015402

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 18: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

34

Dear God

Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve

would hearing women pray for peace resist

No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins

What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin

and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod

for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God

But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks

Sincerely Another Imperfect Being

Diana Chen

As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence

For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor

Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation

But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye

It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home

Always closer than the last time

But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness

And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe

My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway

UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 19: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

36

WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS

Laura Grau

When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now

Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim

Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse

Can you dress yourself Daddy asks

I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-

member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home

Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head

Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 20: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

38

now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter

But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it

Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the

skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles

I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so

Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see

His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers

Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon

He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up

-

We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up

-

That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us

Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does

But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck

Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too

I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms

Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come Ashley cradle and all

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 21: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

40

Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo

ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo

Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate

ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said

finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria

She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner

ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said

So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top

ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street

ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though

SOFARuth Portes

ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent

ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be

alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned

ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of

her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo

ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo

Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo

Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said

They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo

ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other

friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to

go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking

ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well

Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed

ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo

ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking

She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one

piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest

of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many

witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you

still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment

ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one

They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school

ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV

ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She

clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly

He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt

He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face

ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name

ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I

invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her

heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 22: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

42

To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow

His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone

I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo

Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-

Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws

As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty

And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly

Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still

To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well

THAT DYING HUMRan Liu

Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu

Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head

Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had

Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor

is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks

Until you start feeling worse

I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing

Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink

Dresses and cancerwith a crown

WAR

RIO

R

Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu

Laura

Gra

u

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 23: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

44

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 24: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

46

I hid the remnants of my childhood

Inside a wooden box when I was seven

In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop

There I spent my days

Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines

And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations

I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust

Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash

That riveted my sight

I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces

Under the morning draft

That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles

At times Grandfather brought me spare

Wooden sticks box nails and tools

With those I built small houses that collapsed

But the smell of wood glue still remains

Within the creases of my hands

Years passed and on my return

I found but languid stares of older men

The dust had vanished from the air

I saw that the men had lost the driving force

Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion

I searched but did not find

The box that hid the remnants of my childhood

FRAMESAnamaria Penagos

Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 25: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

48

Three days into the apocalypse and I was

already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself

behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine

trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I

reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my

derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged

before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my

waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as

I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked

down to find my reflection glaring back at me from

the blade of a hunting knife

ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice

slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum

odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had

only recently been broken down and reassembled

into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos

going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to

that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through

another day of this Hellrdquo

A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best

be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I

supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the

girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin

As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced

ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my

friend is in the cabrdquo

She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo

As we struggled into the clearing where I

had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle

clanking against her side I glanced back to my

assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just

above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him

to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the

cab only to find it empty

ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree

behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked

out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered

like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his

shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest

you back awayrdquo

As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed

my elbow was conveniently pressed against her

stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling

Nick not to

shoot with a

quiet shake of

the head

A

tensed silence

lapsed and I

elbowed her

in the gut

She staggered

b a c k w a r d s

but managed

to counter

with a well-

placed right

hook to my

jaw Cradling

the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered

ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle

that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly

stumbled into the line of fire between me and my

end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit

fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he

fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him

mouth trembling eyes watering

ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping

her gun and then to her knees After a string of

apologizes she told us her story

ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo

the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes

painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite

clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor

that made her look even smaller She looked about

n i n e t e e n

maybe twenty

but the past

three days

had aged her

face The bags

under eyes

sagged to her

knees and

spoke volume

to her lost

sleep

In the

cab Nick shyly

diverted his

gaze from her

and I took a

look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear

as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that

throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised

me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of

us could feel anything more than nothing When we

did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to

get us through the day The redhead miserably tore

her eyes from my comrade

As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she

began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting

started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up

in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that

time the infection had already hit the neighborhood

Most of the infected were killed or moved on because

there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old

bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep

But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the

house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but

I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have

to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his

dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was

all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again

Adam went to get the bear and by the time he

got back two looters found a way into the cellar My

brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight

them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped

the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr

Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat

before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot

them I was too scared to move I stayed under the

bed until morning After burying them in the yard I

left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo

Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of

the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she

added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets

Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window

His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief

occupied them He was always too sensitive to the

happenings of others I swear that empathy will be

the death of him In times like these the selfish see

the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish

survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled

Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 26: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

50

I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze

as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a

careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have

the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time

The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo

A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was

right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle

of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom

Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that

there is Nicholasrdquo

ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not

unpleasant

ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She

tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in

one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last

drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her

eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each

other beforerdquo

I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first

night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He

nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick

rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four

Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo

The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with

her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked

ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of

Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My

eyes skipped around the woods checking for any

sign those atrocities

ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo

Nick asked hopeful

I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of

my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the

slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed

Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from

me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the

POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too

blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell

He needed to learn how to leave things behind how

to pick himself up and move forward He stole a

second glance with those pathetically sympathetic

eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has

a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all

stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made

it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the

woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see

one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that

boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo

ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to

think about the plausibility of survival at sea From

the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that

plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking

at me for the first time since she had a knife to my

neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at

sea No food No waterrdquo

I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you

rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I

shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore

welcome to stay with usrdquo

ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo

The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I

buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before

Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her

asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked

finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind

whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull

of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds

singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless

groan of cicadas

ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft

crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze

The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every

step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought

her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun

and nudged for Nick to do the same

ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking

down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window

ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed

as she took aim The crunching grew louder and

louder until a figure broke into the clearing

ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost

jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college

kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair

when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving

with every labored breath and face beaten to shit

Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye

and some minor cuts were scattered across his face

Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most

part free of blood and more importantly free of

bites

Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with

his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel

ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were

no other footsteps

He looked from me to Nick and back again

before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying

nothing more he took off the way he came

Nick threw open the door to run after him but

I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is

right suspicious He could be infected and trying to

save us ammordquo

ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both

know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting

their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my

Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo

ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if

yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his

gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor

ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos

turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance

he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your

friend without doing anything at allrdquo

Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk

into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear

After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually

made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone

cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once

been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in

a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing

from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke

sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now

the season of dying and the house and its windows

was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn

burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles

spreading over the length of a football field Their

faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body

parts scattered throughout the field staining the

beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to

be found

ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as

we stepped out of the truck guns in hand

ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about

Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my

belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up

to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 27: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

52

hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something

horrible

Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets

in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing

perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony

as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick

stood beside me clutching his stomach before

staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah

watched on terror tearing across her face at the

sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless

face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal

murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced

it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and

pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the

corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter

blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell

whoever it was good and dead

I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the

crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt

end into the window I followed the hail of shattered

glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so

he wouldnrsquot hit me

ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a

scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped

against the sink before sliding together into the

blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered

into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding

head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I

looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened

Why are you tied uprdquo

ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind

enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo

He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot

look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns

He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get

away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo

Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he

said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo

I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky

with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board

up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo

That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked

and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow

are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he

was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and

calm as stone his hands quivered

ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo

I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the

graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery

one of those bodies was either just like us or about

to be us They all had their own shitty families and

irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one

day their hardest decision would be which bottle

of champagne they should pop open tonight Even

though they already lost themselves what wersquove

done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic

man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo

Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying

to cheer him up It was such an impossible task

anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He

laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some

feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this

Something immoral about killing a living thing

Killing other peoplerdquo

ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I

agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to

justify Survival is survivalrdquo

ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo

ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and

cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the

next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot

have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of

mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod

have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the

CDC finds a cure If they find a cure

Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on

the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of

the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The

pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the

silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the

cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen

brothers to what they hoped would be their warm

fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my

shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is

survival outside of your moral compassrdquo

Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his

automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling

the gunrsquos strap over his head

ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could

hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one

last long look at the army that clambered before us

and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let

God sort lsquoem outrdquo

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 28: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

54

VIVIDTania Chatterjee

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 29: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

56

OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY

A woman in a rich dress

made for arid days

Is followed by her flock

of timid slaves

Her children and anotherrsquos

children his heirs

Who will fight over

the friendless country

Their sandaled feet tap

on spotted beasts

Trapped inside mosaic

floors surrounding

other wives taken from

their fathersrsquo homes

for having been cursed

with sweet eyes

And the bronze chariots

wait for battle

Lined in front of

four thousand stables

Filled with fiery

Mounts stomping

For the African

Queen

Ruth Portes

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 30: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

58

You never need much time whenever she

comes around The day of waiting eclipses her

actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the

shelf above the stove only slows down the time like

watching the second hand on a clock If you called

the night before set aside the time for the next

evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you

will wake up far too early for a weekend and with

no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had

a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but

not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold

air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize

that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no

good excuse From there regardless of whether you

decide to drink the juice or not you will probably

take a shower turning the temperature as high as

it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The

rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and

looking at your phone Honestly though why would

she call

If you call only a few hours in advance like

maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind

to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just

cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing

and drinking more condensed-like

The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even

worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about

calling and by the time you try to dial her number

ATAXIA

Davis Einolf

yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with

her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and

confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you

try to say something it comes out more like your

voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia

Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don

Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm

shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you

imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and

fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you

see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly

she has better things to do than wait for you to dry

your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and

dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always

happy to talk always ready to come over always so

sweet

These are the longest hours of your life

longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour

workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking

her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding

out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards

the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced

lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more

than you probably should have All of that for such

a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even

though you watched her arrive through the curtains

and you have to collect yourself for a moment still

glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her

in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds

to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit

than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume

creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with

the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is

beautiful smiling

Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk

but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely

respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested

in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter

With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore

She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy

woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk

for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about

a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like

about her other work either and there really isnrsquot

much else to discuss besides brushes with better

people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the

hour and then shersquos back out the door down the

stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to

watch her turn the corner through the window and

then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer

and another day older These nights you dream that

you are rooted in place on your back immobile

You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes

are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the

clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly

migrate south for the winter

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 31: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

60

Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu

LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau

You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated

with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing

the power of your spellas your mutual movement

drove me to want that too

My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers

seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth

You tickled her makingme wish your fingers

were tracing my belly

Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself

For months I have called you mine yet never have

you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll

learn to make love to me the way you make love

to your guitar

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 32: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

62

WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh

YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 33: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

64

I hope this music gives you

at least half that itrsquos given me

Take these black notes in your hand

and play them like you breathe

Now caress the willow and drive the bow

Feel the songs I played seconds ago

Smell the hardwood taste the sounds

This yellow chair your stage

Oh my sister I wish I could stay here

and play duets with you all day

But my new husband calls and I must

move on my new home is far away

But just know that when you practice

there will be two more ears from my way

My heart beating the same beat

dancing to the pieces you play

Now before our time together ends

let me just teach you this last song

My sister this violin is now yours

Through you this tune lives on

AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse

The Last Music Lesson

Arielle Kaden

Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim

at sxchu

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 34: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

66

SPLINTERS OF CLARITY

Caitlin Dwyer

Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu

ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a

block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo

ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 35: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

68

ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so

much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in

Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head

Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-

sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 36: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

70

THE LONG ROAD

Cyrus Beh

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 37: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

72

TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders

TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 38: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

74

At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone

WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL

Matthew Moores

Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 39: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

76

SAFFRONTania Chatterjee

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL

bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle

you were my molotov cocktail

Jennifer Baik

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 40: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

78

How it isKatie Robinson

Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu

It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that

Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving

1

2

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 41: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

80

3

4

the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply

Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room

Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like

they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days

Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure

When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn

5

6

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 42: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

82

Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home

How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it

Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over

7

8

When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say

Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing

You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is

9

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 43: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

84

GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile

Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd

- Swijnenburg at sxchu

DANIELLEKat Lewis

Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone

CAUGHT MOMENTARILY

Hong-Wai Wong

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 44: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

86

Let me pull your strings

like the tides in

their silent moondance

Anchors aweigh and

I cast you

onto the seafloor

Irsquoll give you back to your

self later

maybe

Let me spin you out

like a spool of thread

eyeing needles and

leaving the air stitched

rippled with our slips

Your hips

open like a book

I find you at chaptersrsquo edges

and curl your page inwards

Let me pour into you

like cream into my coffee

coffee into my core

You stick to the shore

left behind by the ebb

My hands web and

spider on your spine

donrsquot

move

DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury

SPIDERHOLEArtist

SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 45: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

88

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me

This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands

This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap

Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours

Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid

But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-

You were too good to play down here

FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 46: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

90

self insertionKate Orgera

The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out

No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan

And more importantly a partner

She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo

The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo

Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo

ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo

Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo

Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo

Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo

Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 47: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

92

ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat

So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all

Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara

But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her

Which he then did

It would all have been very meta if she had

known she was doing it

It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land

But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side

She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he

And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if

Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background

Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him

ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo

Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo

ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo

ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo

ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye

There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo

Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo

And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo

ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo

ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo

Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood

up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all

by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot

Shakespeare at least the story had been on course

for a happy ending

But now Now the story was off course And

either it was careening off with no control or some-

thing else had taken the wheel But either way the

former writer was in the dark as to whether she

would get a happy ending

Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood

chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the

gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves

Lilia would come around Eventually

All Julie could do now was try to sleep

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 48: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

94

NELIPOTLaura Grau

Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here

The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo

A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese

Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 49: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

96

HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE

The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that

Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes

She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom

Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an

Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles

For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and

Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again

And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches

Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these

Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and

Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls

Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly

Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes

The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as

She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my

Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she

Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain

Glued to my shoes

Hong-wai Wong

Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 50: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

98

UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger

STORY TIMEKeven Perez

My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together

Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect

Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down

Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 51: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

100

its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me

MEANINGJennifer Baik

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 52: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

102

2013-2014 Executive Board

President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk

Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino

Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes

Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri

Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron

Prose Committee

Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes

Abigail Sussman

Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz

Gulnar Tuli

Hillary Jackson

Jesse Chen

Katie Robinson

Katherine Seger

Lydia Youngman

Madeline Wheeler

Ran Liu

Ruth Marie Landry

Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester

Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application

No experience is necessary

THOROUGHFARE

STAFF FALL 2013

Poetry Committee

Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk

Cara Schulte

Constance Kaita

Dael Norwitz

Evelyn Ho

Hannah Ingersoll

Katherine Quinn

Lauren Altus

Laura Ewen

Nadya Kronis

Shayer Chowdhury

Visual Art

Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino

Andrea Massaro

Brittany Zwang

Candice Gard

Caroline Youse

Hannah Danzinger

Julia Bradshaw

Madeline Wheeler

Yuqing Zhu

Layout Committee

Head Hillary Jackson

Dael Norwitz

Helena Chung

Ruth Marie Landry

Si Yeon Lee

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
Page 53: Thoroughfare Fall 2013

104Thoroughfare 2013

  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack
  • _GoBack