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Thoroughfare is a multimedia literature and fine arts magazine catering to the diverse creative pursuits at Johns Hopkins University.
Citation preview
THOROUGHFAREFALL 2013
The Search for Meaning
2
Table of Contents
4 UNTITLED Jenny Cho
5 FAITH Mary Berman
6 THE GIRL I CARRY Laura Grau
8 FULL OF HOT AIR Colleen McDermott
12 THE FIDDLER Kat Lewis
26 SENESCENCE Jennifer Baik
28 I KNOW Laura Grau
32 FOLLIES Evelyn Ho
34 DEAR GOD Diana Chen
35 UNBELIEVER John Sweeney
36 WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS Laura Grau
40 SOFA Ruth Portes
42 THAT DYING HUM Ran Liu
43 WARRIOR Laura Grau
44 WELCOME HOME John Belanger
46 FRAMES Anamaria Penagos
48 LET GOD SORT THEM OUT Kat Lewis
54 VIVID Tania Chatterjee
56 OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY Ruth Portes
58 ATAXIA Davis Einolf
60 LrsquoACCORD PARFAIT Laura Grau
62 YOUNG LOVE Cyrus Beh
63 WET JUNCTION Cyrus Beh
64 THE LAST MUSIC LESSON Arielle Kaden
66 SPLINTERS OF CLARITY Caitlin Dwyer
70 THE LONG ROAD Cyrus Beh
72 TRIPTYCH 1 Liana Sanders
73 TRIPTYCH 3 Liana Sanders
74 WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL Matthew Moores
76 SAFFRON Tania Chatterjee
77 MOLOTOV COCKTAIL Jennifer Baik
78 HOW IT IS Katie Robinson
84 DANIELLE Kat Lewis
85 CAUGHT MOMENTARILY Hong-Wai Wong
86 DONrsquoT MOVE Shayer Chowdhury
87 SPIDERHOLE Samuel Cook
88 UNTITLED Hannah Danzinger
89 FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAY Arielle Kaden
90 SELF INSERTION Kate Orger
94 NELIPOT Laura Grau
96 HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT Hong-wai Wong
TOWELS AND APPLE JUICE
98 UNTITLED Hannah Danzinger
99 STORY TIME Keven Perez
101 MEANING Jennifer Baik
Cover Stock photo courtesy of Bev Lloyd-Roberts at sxchu
4
UNTITLEDJenny Cho
Ever since I learned to hold my tongue
My motherrsquos dragged me to our silt-gray church
Such buildings are unfriendly to the young
To those who have not yet been taught to search
For something thatrsquos not there as I had not
Then as I aged I thought I understood
The power in the hymns and statues wrought
From iron and from faith and from dark wood
Or even if I did not understand
I thought the others did and I recalled
The words of those whorsquod felt the Fatherrsquos hand
The words of one who had seemed so enthralled
(My mother) by this house on serious earth
She had not thought to question from her birth
Now that Irsquove grown deliberated read
The Scriptures that they taught and did not teach
Now after tasting wine and breaking bread
And listening to inconsistent speech
I think I may have been mistaken Yet
On those rare weekends when Irsquom home I still
Sit and suffer myself to be beset
By words of those who say they know the thrill
Of faith I do try but I canrsquot conceive
Of what they mean Perhaps theyrsquore comforted
By always being told what to believe
What difference will it make when they are dead
I hate it Still I kneel and still I stand
And at the Lordrsquos Prayer hold my motherrsquos hand
Mary Berman
6
1 The last thing she said was my name She said my name and stopped breathing She said my name and I stopped breathing2 She says her legs hurt The ice doesnrsquot help Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see they hurt Shersquos crying I rub and rub her legs with cream My arms are sore but if I slow down it hurts Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see we hurt3 We need to bathe her Maybe shersquoll feel better She canrsquot stand so I carry her Maybe if we bathe her shersquoll get up tomorrow Maybe the water will make it all better Only I can bathe her Nobody else I dip a towel in water and begin to rub Be gentle Be gentle Donrsquot move me too much I dip the towel in water and gently scrub I feel the tumor in her back the tumor in her head the tumor in her leg Therersquos a tumor I dip the towel in water and I rub praying that it wonrsquot move me too much4 She says shersquos too tired to go out and play Not even for ice cream No not today She says that the wheelchair is too much to carry She says if it didnrsquot hurt maybe she would walk But today she is tired Maybe tomorrow we can go out and play5 Chemo and radiation every day at three I run out of school to pick her up Shersquos always so pretty dressing in pink Any other little girl would look healthy Shersquos always so pretty hidden beneath her blanket She says shersquos too weary to walk on her own I squat to the floor and let her hug my neck I pick up her legs and make sure it doesnrsquot hurt I canrsquot do harsh movements when Irsquom carrying her Together as one we go through the door Security knows us the best friend and her She is the angel I am the wings I help her fly and I feel the wind 6 The doctor says she can go out today Bring her back tomorrow We get in the car and drive for a long
time She falls asleep One night our night Today we can I drive to Santarsquos Enchanted Forest We laugh as she sits next to me on the rides We spin Itrsquos not as bad as chemo she says We laugh I buy her a snow cone and she spills it on her shirt Covered in red but laughing she glows Our night We laugh and drive back to IVrsquos and such7 Movie nights in the hospital Those are the best Microwave brownies Popcorn Sushi She laughs as we eat I eat caviar and she says she doesnrsquot want fishies growing in her belly The nurse comes in and says she needs platelets hanging the bag from her IV pole then leaving She says she feels itchy Her eyes start to swell They forgot the Benadryl I run to the nurses I say she canrsquot breathe They donrsquot let me in until she is asleep They say itrsquos an allergy They say shersquoll be fine I fight them until I am by her side 8 We swam in the pool and baked cakes at my house We jumped in the pool holding hands came out of the water and couldnrsquot stand We swam to the edge and held on for dear life We laughed at each other for not being able to swim When we got out I cleaned her port Alcohol prep pads gauze and bandaids The things I always kept in my purse 9 We went to butterfly world She loved it so much She picked up a sick butterfly and helped it fly One landed on her head I ran for my camera but landed facedown on the floor instead She just stood there with a butterfly on her head laughing at me 10 I see her She is fine Even her peach fuzz is gone I look at her and shersquos fine Yet the doctor sayrsquos shersquos going to die I see my friend and I canrsquot think The doctor says she has ten weeks to live I see her now her eyes a bit weak Please doctor donrsquot tell her She canrsquot know I hug her mom I tell her wersquore strong and from now on we have to just make her happy Please doctor donrsquot tell me I canrsquot know I just want us to be happy
THE
GIR
L I C
ARR
YLa
ura
Gra
u
Stock photo courtesy of Piotr Menducki
8
Colleen McDermott
FULL O
F HOT AIR Lararsquos temples throbbed as her boss flung
accusations and petty remarks at her They were
all completely unnecessary but it wasnrsquot like he
was the type to appreciate the hours of work that
went into a project or understand the difference
between a reasonable request and an unreasonable
mandate She exhaled through clenched teeth
emptying her lungs so deliberately as if requiring
attention from usually autonomous functions
would be able to keep the tears from coming
When it was over she used every ounce
of restraint not to slam the hardwood office
door The second she got to her own office she
tore off her heels- the clacking was making her
headache worse She headed for the elevators
and jabbed the button for the lobby This of
course was the day the elevator stopped on
six of the eleven floors between Lara and her
sanity and she congratulated herself on not
yelling ldquoIs there something wrong with the
stairsrdquo to the lady who got on the second floor
Finally she was free She didnrsquot care that she
looked as if she were on a walk of shame she fled
the office heels in hand The smooth pavement
felt good on the balls of her feet A passerby told
her it was dangerous to walk in the city barefoot
Lara figured that if she got tetanus or hepatitis she
at least wouldnrsquot have to go to work tomorrow
All of a sudden Lara broke her stride She
shook her head in disbelief her boss stood on the
corner ahead of her She put her head down and
hoped to power walk past him so he wouldnrsquot see
her As she approached him the density of the
crowd before her lessened allowing her to see
him clearly Lara breathed a sigh of relief- it wasnrsquot
actually him It was only his head floating above the
ground attached to a cotton string like a balloon
Lara laughed as her bossrsquos head floated
gingerly above the sidewalk He looked
bewildered but seemed unable to speak let
alone yell A sly smile crept across her face
and she took his string in her hand She tied
him around her wrist as if she were a child and
continued walking She glanced up at him as she
crossed 49th street He was changing His ears were
bigger now almost simian Each block the two
traveled together brought more exaggerations
to his features until he resembled a mere
caricature of himself Lara liked it better this way
She held her head high as she neared her
exrsquos place She hated that it was smack dab in the
middle of the quickest route to her apartment
She told herself she was over what had happened
because she was finally past the point of walking
ten blocks out of her way just to avoid the chance
of seeing him She really only had run into him on
a couple of occasions but it was never a pleasant
encounter He was always so polite to her so calm
10
He really thought he had never done anything
wrong Every time she saw him the casual glibness
irked Lara so much it was all she could do to slap
him across the face in the middle of the sidewalk
Inevitably after these encounters she
would find herself at the gym listening to the
angsty punk music she should have outgrown by
now and she would run until she wasnrsquot so upset
She would run through the flashbacks of the
insults that swirled through her head She would
run through the sense of loss for what had once
been such a good thing She never could have
imagined that a relationship she thought was
absolutely perfect would end with him callously
telling her he couldnrsquot stand to spend another
three hours with her and that he could go a year
without being intimate with anyone as long as
it meant hersquod never have to see her again Lara
never knew what she could have possibly done
to him but had given up trying to figure it out
Of course her ex was outside his building
today Lara strode toward him Today might
just be the day she actually slapped him She
reached out to strike him but discovered he
too was not really himself Lara chuckled at this
realization and slapped the balloon head of
her ex anyway Then she tied him to the same
wrist her boss was on She figured they could
be friends since they had so much in common
A couple blocks later Lara smiled
as she examined the grotesqueness of the
newly caricature-ized features that her ex
had She kept sneaking secret glances and
felt a rush of smug triumph with every look
In the park Lara found another balloon
It was her college roommate who had not only
let her boyfriend live with them without asking
and without making him paying rent but ran
off with him while they still had three months
left on their lease She never returned and never
sent Lara a check She left Lara with an apartment
she had no way of affording on her own and no
prospect of someone to sublet with only a few
months of college left She eagerly added her
roommate balloon to the growing collection
muttering that she belonged with her people
After that Lara vowed to collect the
rest of them and took off through the city for
balloons to add to her growing bunch She found
her statistics professor floating near a bench
acting as if he had never failed her because she
had refused to sleep with him He joined the
collection and fit right in growing ugly just like
the others Lara found her high school soccer
coach in the park too She plucked him from
the sidelines of a game before he had a chance
to badmouth another player to every college
scout just because she wouldnrsquot leave her club
team to play for his sketchy startup group
As her collection grew Lara felt herself get
lighter and she decided to broaden the circle
She found the girl who told everyone else on the
soccer team that Lara was bulimic the day after
she had food poisoning At least she and the
coach already knew each other so there wouldnrsquot
be any awkward tensions in the balloon bunch
She found the teacher from middle
school who took the note with the name of the
boy Lara had a crush on and read it to the entire
school over the PA system She found her piano
teacher who used to make her cry no matter how
beautifully she would play She found the girls
in from seventh grade who told Lara she was fat
because she wasnrsquot allowed to weigh 100 pounds
until she was sixteen She even collected Davy
Commisky and Billy OrsquoToole from elementary
school They were the ones who put glue in her
hair and told her it was anti-cootie medicine
Lara had quite a collection by the time
she had made her rounds She paced for awhile
until she was sure all of their transformations had
been completed The world now could see what
shersquod always known-exactly how ugly they were
Finally she took all of her balloons and
climbed to the roof of her building She took one
last look at their distorted features with a perverse
sense of pride She let herself be angry She let
herself hate them for a minute Then slowly she
untied them all from her wrist looked at them all
one last time and let them go
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE I was cleaning out a binder I
used to use for biochemistry lab and found one
of my old sketches (I clearly used downtime
during experiments wisely) so I decided to give
it a story
12
THE FIDDLERKat Lewis
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through
the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in
the road
DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but
torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with
determination She carries a violin case to the center of
the crossroad
Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she
unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her
neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24
As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips
around her The light above her head grows brighter until it
bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the
moonbeam She stops playing
Silence blankets the desert
Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over
her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the
other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears
above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk
DEVIL
Are you here to challenge me
DANI
No Irsquom here to defeat you
The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle
DEVIL
Oh child That is some big talk
for a little girl like you What
business do you have with me
Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the
mouth They squint at the girl
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone
DANI
Itrsquos just Dani
The Devilrsquos grin widens
14
FADE IN
DEVIL
Irsquove been waiting for you
INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT
FLASHBACK TO
Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches
the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s
pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her
hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand
Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed
DOCTOR
Just one more push Elise Yoursquore
doing great
Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as
the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms
DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)
Itrsquos a girl
The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby
to a NURSE to be washed off
ELISE
How is she
DOCTOR
No complications so far Very
fortunate for a couple your age
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
TIME CUT TO
Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a
chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed
Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn
ELISE
Isnrsquot she precious
MATT
I canrsquot believe we did it After
all these years we finally did it
Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek
A beat of silence falls on the hospital
Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like
falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating
beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames
crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital
bed
DEVIL
Elise
Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the
bed allows Dani cries
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
You know why Irsquom here You breached
our contract
ELISE
I found a loophole With all the
lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault
you canrsquot write an airtight
contract
The Devil lets out an indignant snort
DEVIL
Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal
with me Now I break you
He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his
grin to the side
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos
name
Danielle
DEVIL
Danielle Meaning God is my judge
Satan laughs
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
How appropriate
ELISE
God damn it What do you want
DEVIL
16
Oh I donrsquot know
He looks from Elise to her daughter and back
ELISE
(reluctant)
No You gave us this You canrsquot
take our baby
DEVIL
Naked came I out of my motherrsquos
womb and naked shall I return
thither the Lord gave and the
Lord hath taken away blessed be
the name of the Lord
Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before
spitting a wad of fire onto the ground
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute
shit I donrsquot want the baby Just
your assured misery I lay a curse
on little Danielle Should you or
anyone else touch her a family
member will perish Donrsquot worry
though if you love your husband or
your mother more you can just
leave her in the crib to rot
Elise and Satan stare each other down
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The choice is yours
The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the
flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries
between them
TIME CUT TO
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about
ELISE
I think shersquos hungry What do we
do
Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives
it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her
mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile
floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly
shaking her head
MATT
Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll
take our chances
Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones
look to one another A tense silence fills the room before
they all let out a relieved sigh
Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face
MATT (CONTrsquoD)
Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone
want anything
The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt
walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a
groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles
turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt
He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his
body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks
his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes
her head
The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back
at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from
its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the
side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his
neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words
coming out a hoarse whisper
MATT
(The Devilrsquos voice)
This is only the beginning
The body falls limp
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER
Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo
Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to
18
only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the
changing table a TV is heard from the next room
Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand
into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear
zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box
for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to
the baby
TIME CUT TO
Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile
playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant
half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper
GRAMMY
Elise
ELISE (OS)
Yeah
GRAMMY
An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos
funeral came in the mail today
ELISE (OS)
Jeez How old was she
GRAMMY
24 Are we going
Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby
giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration
ELISE (OS)
Irsquoll have to--
Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist
Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in
the next room
GRAMMY
Elise
Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room
CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over
eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly
strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she
looks to the grinning baby
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER
Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo
On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a
fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos
strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler
Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a
grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she
curtsies
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - LATER
Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs
speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy
stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a
hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes
shifting around the room
A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something
snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy
pulls Dani closer
WOMAN
Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter
is just phenomenal Only five years
old and playing like that
Dani smiles before shyly speaking
DANI
Irsquom four
She holds up four fingers
WOMAN
My word Yoursquore a little Mozart
arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had
half your talent
The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and
Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years
old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an
20
untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin
like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face
shaking her head
The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile
WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)
Anyway you were fabulous today
Keep it up
Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem
to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a
congratulatory but condescending pat on the head
Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand
Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a
chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor
ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His
family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries
out a back door
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK
SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo
Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around
a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN
reports an accident at a construction site The box in the
corner displays the headline Construction Accident
17-year-old boy found dead
Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from
somewhere in the house
GRAMMY
Dani
The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a
turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered
except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off
the TV
GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)
Did you do this
Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his
family
DANI
Irsquove never seen any of those people
before
Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face
GRAMMY
Have you been wearing gloves You
know itrsquos only skin to ski--
DANI
For God sake Grammy Yes I know
what to do Itrsquos not like you let
me leave the house anyway
GRAMMY
Itrsquos for your own good
DANI
My own good I havenrsquot gone outside
in six days Irsquom going crazy In
the last month yoursquove let me out
of the house to get the mail maybe
four times I have a right to a
life you know
GRAMMY
Your mother signed away any rights
you had long ago
DANI
Maybe I should make a deal with Him
too Irsquom sure Hell is much more
bearable than here
GRAMMY
You want to leave Then go I canrsquot
look at you right now
Dani points to the TV
DANI
I didnrsquot do that
GRAMMY
Get out
Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV
22
rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door
slams Grammy flinches
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to
see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani
notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the
palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle
END FLASHBACK
RETURN TO
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the
Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips
DEVIL
You know Irsquove got your Grammy
right here Would you like to say
hi
DANI
Cut the shit Lucy
The Devil groans at the nickname
DANI (CONTrsquoD)
Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom
gonna kick your ass in this stupid
fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift
the curse
DEVIL
Or you could just let me bring you
to Hell now
DANI
And why would I agree to that
DEVIL
Hellrsquos actually not that bad And
Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom
itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes
from time to time bad things
happen to its residents like a limb
gets chopped off or they get turned
into serpents But thatrsquos life
right
Dani stares at him unconvinced
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my
neighbor Last week he went to
visit Van Gogh in the Seventh
Circle I watched his cat while he
was gone and that thing was an
angel Adorable playful God my
kid loved it Hersquos begging me for
one now
DANI
(incredulous)
You have a kid
DEVIL
Thatrsquos not the point Whether you
win or lose you end up downstairs
with me The price for freedom is
your soul So itrsquos only a matter
of time Why donrsquot we skip this
whole battle nonsense and take you
to your new home You look like a
girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna
meet Hemingway
DANI
Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose
DEVIL
Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the
fucking devil Irsquom not scared of
anything
Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over
each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted
under the moon they played He plays the call and she the
response For every question his nimble extremities sing to
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
2
Table of Contents
4 UNTITLED Jenny Cho
5 FAITH Mary Berman
6 THE GIRL I CARRY Laura Grau
8 FULL OF HOT AIR Colleen McDermott
12 THE FIDDLER Kat Lewis
26 SENESCENCE Jennifer Baik
28 I KNOW Laura Grau
32 FOLLIES Evelyn Ho
34 DEAR GOD Diana Chen
35 UNBELIEVER John Sweeney
36 WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS Laura Grau
40 SOFA Ruth Portes
42 THAT DYING HUM Ran Liu
43 WARRIOR Laura Grau
44 WELCOME HOME John Belanger
46 FRAMES Anamaria Penagos
48 LET GOD SORT THEM OUT Kat Lewis
54 VIVID Tania Chatterjee
56 OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY Ruth Portes
58 ATAXIA Davis Einolf
60 LrsquoACCORD PARFAIT Laura Grau
62 YOUNG LOVE Cyrus Beh
63 WET JUNCTION Cyrus Beh
64 THE LAST MUSIC LESSON Arielle Kaden
66 SPLINTERS OF CLARITY Caitlin Dwyer
70 THE LONG ROAD Cyrus Beh
72 TRIPTYCH 1 Liana Sanders
73 TRIPTYCH 3 Liana Sanders
74 WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL Matthew Moores
76 SAFFRON Tania Chatterjee
77 MOLOTOV COCKTAIL Jennifer Baik
78 HOW IT IS Katie Robinson
84 DANIELLE Kat Lewis
85 CAUGHT MOMENTARILY Hong-Wai Wong
86 DONrsquoT MOVE Shayer Chowdhury
87 SPIDERHOLE Samuel Cook
88 UNTITLED Hannah Danzinger
89 FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAY Arielle Kaden
90 SELF INSERTION Kate Orger
94 NELIPOT Laura Grau
96 HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT Hong-wai Wong
TOWELS AND APPLE JUICE
98 UNTITLED Hannah Danzinger
99 STORY TIME Keven Perez
101 MEANING Jennifer Baik
Cover Stock photo courtesy of Bev Lloyd-Roberts at sxchu
4
UNTITLEDJenny Cho
Ever since I learned to hold my tongue
My motherrsquos dragged me to our silt-gray church
Such buildings are unfriendly to the young
To those who have not yet been taught to search
For something thatrsquos not there as I had not
Then as I aged I thought I understood
The power in the hymns and statues wrought
From iron and from faith and from dark wood
Or even if I did not understand
I thought the others did and I recalled
The words of those whorsquod felt the Fatherrsquos hand
The words of one who had seemed so enthralled
(My mother) by this house on serious earth
She had not thought to question from her birth
Now that Irsquove grown deliberated read
The Scriptures that they taught and did not teach
Now after tasting wine and breaking bread
And listening to inconsistent speech
I think I may have been mistaken Yet
On those rare weekends when Irsquom home I still
Sit and suffer myself to be beset
By words of those who say they know the thrill
Of faith I do try but I canrsquot conceive
Of what they mean Perhaps theyrsquore comforted
By always being told what to believe
What difference will it make when they are dead
I hate it Still I kneel and still I stand
And at the Lordrsquos Prayer hold my motherrsquos hand
Mary Berman
6
1 The last thing she said was my name She said my name and stopped breathing She said my name and I stopped breathing2 She says her legs hurt The ice doesnrsquot help Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see they hurt Shersquos crying I rub and rub her legs with cream My arms are sore but if I slow down it hurts Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see we hurt3 We need to bathe her Maybe shersquoll feel better She canrsquot stand so I carry her Maybe if we bathe her shersquoll get up tomorrow Maybe the water will make it all better Only I can bathe her Nobody else I dip a towel in water and begin to rub Be gentle Be gentle Donrsquot move me too much I dip the towel in water and gently scrub I feel the tumor in her back the tumor in her head the tumor in her leg Therersquos a tumor I dip the towel in water and I rub praying that it wonrsquot move me too much4 She says shersquos too tired to go out and play Not even for ice cream No not today She says that the wheelchair is too much to carry She says if it didnrsquot hurt maybe she would walk But today she is tired Maybe tomorrow we can go out and play5 Chemo and radiation every day at three I run out of school to pick her up Shersquos always so pretty dressing in pink Any other little girl would look healthy Shersquos always so pretty hidden beneath her blanket She says shersquos too weary to walk on her own I squat to the floor and let her hug my neck I pick up her legs and make sure it doesnrsquot hurt I canrsquot do harsh movements when Irsquom carrying her Together as one we go through the door Security knows us the best friend and her She is the angel I am the wings I help her fly and I feel the wind 6 The doctor says she can go out today Bring her back tomorrow We get in the car and drive for a long
time She falls asleep One night our night Today we can I drive to Santarsquos Enchanted Forest We laugh as she sits next to me on the rides We spin Itrsquos not as bad as chemo she says We laugh I buy her a snow cone and she spills it on her shirt Covered in red but laughing she glows Our night We laugh and drive back to IVrsquos and such7 Movie nights in the hospital Those are the best Microwave brownies Popcorn Sushi She laughs as we eat I eat caviar and she says she doesnrsquot want fishies growing in her belly The nurse comes in and says she needs platelets hanging the bag from her IV pole then leaving She says she feels itchy Her eyes start to swell They forgot the Benadryl I run to the nurses I say she canrsquot breathe They donrsquot let me in until she is asleep They say itrsquos an allergy They say shersquoll be fine I fight them until I am by her side 8 We swam in the pool and baked cakes at my house We jumped in the pool holding hands came out of the water and couldnrsquot stand We swam to the edge and held on for dear life We laughed at each other for not being able to swim When we got out I cleaned her port Alcohol prep pads gauze and bandaids The things I always kept in my purse 9 We went to butterfly world She loved it so much She picked up a sick butterfly and helped it fly One landed on her head I ran for my camera but landed facedown on the floor instead She just stood there with a butterfly on her head laughing at me 10 I see her She is fine Even her peach fuzz is gone I look at her and shersquos fine Yet the doctor sayrsquos shersquos going to die I see my friend and I canrsquot think The doctor says she has ten weeks to live I see her now her eyes a bit weak Please doctor donrsquot tell her She canrsquot know I hug her mom I tell her wersquore strong and from now on we have to just make her happy Please doctor donrsquot tell me I canrsquot know I just want us to be happy
THE
GIR
L I C
ARR
YLa
ura
Gra
u
Stock photo courtesy of Piotr Menducki
8
Colleen McDermott
FULL O
F HOT AIR Lararsquos temples throbbed as her boss flung
accusations and petty remarks at her They were
all completely unnecessary but it wasnrsquot like he
was the type to appreciate the hours of work that
went into a project or understand the difference
between a reasonable request and an unreasonable
mandate She exhaled through clenched teeth
emptying her lungs so deliberately as if requiring
attention from usually autonomous functions
would be able to keep the tears from coming
When it was over she used every ounce
of restraint not to slam the hardwood office
door The second she got to her own office she
tore off her heels- the clacking was making her
headache worse She headed for the elevators
and jabbed the button for the lobby This of
course was the day the elevator stopped on
six of the eleven floors between Lara and her
sanity and she congratulated herself on not
yelling ldquoIs there something wrong with the
stairsrdquo to the lady who got on the second floor
Finally she was free She didnrsquot care that she
looked as if she were on a walk of shame she fled
the office heels in hand The smooth pavement
felt good on the balls of her feet A passerby told
her it was dangerous to walk in the city barefoot
Lara figured that if she got tetanus or hepatitis she
at least wouldnrsquot have to go to work tomorrow
All of a sudden Lara broke her stride She
shook her head in disbelief her boss stood on the
corner ahead of her She put her head down and
hoped to power walk past him so he wouldnrsquot see
her As she approached him the density of the
crowd before her lessened allowing her to see
him clearly Lara breathed a sigh of relief- it wasnrsquot
actually him It was only his head floating above the
ground attached to a cotton string like a balloon
Lara laughed as her bossrsquos head floated
gingerly above the sidewalk He looked
bewildered but seemed unable to speak let
alone yell A sly smile crept across her face
and she took his string in her hand She tied
him around her wrist as if she were a child and
continued walking She glanced up at him as she
crossed 49th street He was changing His ears were
bigger now almost simian Each block the two
traveled together brought more exaggerations
to his features until he resembled a mere
caricature of himself Lara liked it better this way
She held her head high as she neared her
exrsquos place She hated that it was smack dab in the
middle of the quickest route to her apartment
She told herself she was over what had happened
because she was finally past the point of walking
ten blocks out of her way just to avoid the chance
of seeing him She really only had run into him on
a couple of occasions but it was never a pleasant
encounter He was always so polite to her so calm
10
He really thought he had never done anything
wrong Every time she saw him the casual glibness
irked Lara so much it was all she could do to slap
him across the face in the middle of the sidewalk
Inevitably after these encounters she
would find herself at the gym listening to the
angsty punk music she should have outgrown by
now and she would run until she wasnrsquot so upset
She would run through the flashbacks of the
insults that swirled through her head She would
run through the sense of loss for what had once
been such a good thing She never could have
imagined that a relationship she thought was
absolutely perfect would end with him callously
telling her he couldnrsquot stand to spend another
three hours with her and that he could go a year
without being intimate with anyone as long as
it meant hersquod never have to see her again Lara
never knew what she could have possibly done
to him but had given up trying to figure it out
Of course her ex was outside his building
today Lara strode toward him Today might
just be the day she actually slapped him She
reached out to strike him but discovered he
too was not really himself Lara chuckled at this
realization and slapped the balloon head of
her ex anyway Then she tied him to the same
wrist her boss was on She figured they could
be friends since they had so much in common
A couple blocks later Lara smiled
as she examined the grotesqueness of the
newly caricature-ized features that her ex
had She kept sneaking secret glances and
felt a rush of smug triumph with every look
In the park Lara found another balloon
It was her college roommate who had not only
let her boyfriend live with them without asking
and without making him paying rent but ran
off with him while they still had three months
left on their lease She never returned and never
sent Lara a check She left Lara with an apartment
she had no way of affording on her own and no
prospect of someone to sublet with only a few
months of college left She eagerly added her
roommate balloon to the growing collection
muttering that she belonged with her people
After that Lara vowed to collect the
rest of them and took off through the city for
balloons to add to her growing bunch She found
her statistics professor floating near a bench
acting as if he had never failed her because she
had refused to sleep with him He joined the
collection and fit right in growing ugly just like
the others Lara found her high school soccer
coach in the park too She plucked him from
the sidelines of a game before he had a chance
to badmouth another player to every college
scout just because she wouldnrsquot leave her club
team to play for his sketchy startup group
As her collection grew Lara felt herself get
lighter and she decided to broaden the circle
She found the girl who told everyone else on the
soccer team that Lara was bulimic the day after
she had food poisoning At least she and the
coach already knew each other so there wouldnrsquot
be any awkward tensions in the balloon bunch
She found the teacher from middle
school who took the note with the name of the
boy Lara had a crush on and read it to the entire
school over the PA system She found her piano
teacher who used to make her cry no matter how
beautifully she would play She found the girls
in from seventh grade who told Lara she was fat
because she wasnrsquot allowed to weigh 100 pounds
until she was sixteen She even collected Davy
Commisky and Billy OrsquoToole from elementary
school They were the ones who put glue in her
hair and told her it was anti-cootie medicine
Lara had quite a collection by the time
she had made her rounds She paced for awhile
until she was sure all of their transformations had
been completed The world now could see what
shersquod always known-exactly how ugly they were
Finally she took all of her balloons and
climbed to the roof of her building She took one
last look at their distorted features with a perverse
sense of pride She let herself be angry She let
herself hate them for a minute Then slowly she
untied them all from her wrist looked at them all
one last time and let them go
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE I was cleaning out a binder I
used to use for biochemistry lab and found one
of my old sketches (I clearly used downtime
during experiments wisely) so I decided to give
it a story
12
THE FIDDLERKat Lewis
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through
the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in
the road
DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but
torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with
determination She carries a violin case to the center of
the crossroad
Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she
unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her
neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24
As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips
around her The light above her head grows brighter until it
bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the
moonbeam She stops playing
Silence blankets the desert
Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over
her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the
other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears
above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk
DEVIL
Are you here to challenge me
DANI
No Irsquom here to defeat you
The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle
DEVIL
Oh child That is some big talk
for a little girl like you What
business do you have with me
Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the
mouth They squint at the girl
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone
DANI
Itrsquos just Dani
The Devilrsquos grin widens
14
FADE IN
DEVIL
Irsquove been waiting for you
INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT
FLASHBACK TO
Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches
the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s
pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her
hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand
Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed
DOCTOR
Just one more push Elise Yoursquore
doing great
Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as
the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms
DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)
Itrsquos a girl
The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby
to a NURSE to be washed off
ELISE
How is she
DOCTOR
No complications so far Very
fortunate for a couple your age
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
TIME CUT TO
Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a
chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed
Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn
ELISE
Isnrsquot she precious
MATT
I canrsquot believe we did it After
all these years we finally did it
Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek
A beat of silence falls on the hospital
Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like
falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating
beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames
crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital
bed
DEVIL
Elise
Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the
bed allows Dani cries
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
You know why Irsquom here You breached
our contract
ELISE
I found a loophole With all the
lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault
you canrsquot write an airtight
contract
The Devil lets out an indignant snort
DEVIL
Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal
with me Now I break you
He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his
grin to the side
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos
name
Danielle
DEVIL
Danielle Meaning God is my judge
Satan laughs
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
How appropriate
ELISE
God damn it What do you want
DEVIL
16
Oh I donrsquot know
He looks from Elise to her daughter and back
ELISE
(reluctant)
No You gave us this You canrsquot
take our baby
DEVIL
Naked came I out of my motherrsquos
womb and naked shall I return
thither the Lord gave and the
Lord hath taken away blessed be
the name of the Lord
Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before
spitting a wad of fire onto the ground
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute
shit I donrsquot want the baby Just
your assured misery I lay a curse
on little Danielle Should you or
anyone else touch her a family
member will perish Donrsquot worry
though if you love your husband or
your mother more you can just
leave her in the crib to rot
Elise and Satan stare each other down
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The choice is yours
The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the
flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries
between them
TIME CUT TO
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about
ELISE
I think shersquos hungry What do we
do
Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives
it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her
mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile
floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly
shaking her head
MATT
Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll
take our chances
Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones
look to one another A tense silence fills the room before
they all let out a relieved sigh
Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face
MATT (CONTrsquoD)
Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone
want anything
The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt
walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a
groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles
turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt
He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his
body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks
his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes
her head
The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back
at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from
its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the
side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his
neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words
coming out a hoarse whisper
MATT
(The Devilrsquos voice)
This is only the beginning
The body falls limp
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER
Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo
Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to
18
only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the
changing table a TV is heard from the next room
Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand
into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear
zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box
for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to
the baby
TIME CUT TO
Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile
playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant
half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper
GRAMMY
Elise
ELISE (OS)
Yeah
GRAMMY
An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos
funeral came in the mail today
ELISE (OS)
Jeez How old was she
GRAMMY
24 Are we going
Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby
giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration
ELISE (OS)
Irsquoll have to--
Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist
Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in
the next room
GRAMMY
Elise
Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room
CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over
eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly
strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she
looks to the grinning baby
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER
Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo
On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a
fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos
strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler
Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a
grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she
curtsies
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - LATER
Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs
speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy
stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a
hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes
shifting around the room
A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something
snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy
pulls Dani closer
WOMAN
Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter
is just phenomenal Only five years
old and playing like that
Dani smiles before shyly speaking
DANI
Irsquom four
She holds up four fingers
WOMAN
My word Yoursquore a little Mozart
arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had
half your talent
The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and
Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years
old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an
20
untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin
like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face
shaking her head
The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile
WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)
Anyway you were fabulous today
Keep it up
Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem
to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a
congratulatory but condescending pat on the head
Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand
Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a
chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor
ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His
family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries
out a back door
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK
SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo
Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around
a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN
reports an accident at a construction site The box in the
corner displays the headline Construction Accident
17-year-old boy found dead
Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from
somewhere in the house
GRAMMY
Dani
The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a
turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered
except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off
the TV
GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)
Did you do this
Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his
family
DANI
Irsquove never seen any of those people
before
Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face
GRAMMY
Have you been wearing gloves You
know itrsquos only skin to ski--
DANI
For God sake Grammy Yes I know
what to do Itrsquos not like you let
me leave the house anyway
GRAMMY
Itrsquos for your own good
DANI
My own good I havenrsquot gone outside
in six days Irsquom going crazy In
the last month yoursquove let me out
of the house to get the mail maybe
four times I have a right to a
life you know
GRAMMY
Your mother signed away any rights
you had long ago
DANI
Maybe I should make a deal with Him
too Irsquom sure Hell is much more
bearable than here
GRAMMY
You want to leave Then go I canrsquot
look at you right now
Dani points to the TV
DANI
I didnrsquot do that
GRAMMY
Get out
Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV
22
rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door
slams Grammy flinches
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to
see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani
notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the
palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle
END FLASHBACK
RETURN TO
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the
Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips
DEVIL
You know Irsquove got your Grammy
right here Would you like to say
hi
DANI
Cut the shit Lucy
The Devil groans at the nickname
DANI (CONTrsquoD)
Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom
gonna kick your ass in this stupid
fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift
the curse
DEVIL
Or you could just let me bring you
to Hell now
DANI
And why would I agree to that
DEVIL
Hellrsquos actually not that bad And
Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom
itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes
from time to time bad things
happen to its residents like a limb
gets chopped off or they get turned
into serpents But thatrsquos life
right
Dani stares at him unconvinced
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my
neighbor Last week he went to
visit Van Gogh in the Seventh
Circle I watched his cat while he
was gone and that thing was an
angel Adorable playful God my
kid loved it Hersquos begging me for
one now
DANI
(incredulous)
You have a kid
DEVIL
Thatrsquos not the point Whether you
win or lose you end up downstairs
with me The price for freedom is
your soul So itrsquos only a matter
of time Why donrsquot we skip this
whole battle nonsense and take you
to your new home You look like a
girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna
meet Hemingway
DANI
Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose
DEVIL
Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the
fucking devil Irsquom not scared of
anything
Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over
each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted
under the moon they played He plays the call and she the
response For every question his nimble extremities sing to
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
4
UNTITLEDJenny Cho
Ever since I learned to hold my tongue
My motherrsquos dragged me to our silt-gray church
Such buildings are unfriendly to the young
To those who have not yet been taught to search
For something thatrsquos not there as I had not
Then as I aged I thought I understood
The power in the hymns and statues wrought
From iron and from faith and from dark wood
Or even if I did not understand
I thought the others did and I recalled
The words of those whorsquod felt the Fatherrsquos hand
The words of one who had seemed so enthralled
(My mother) by this house on serious earth
She had not thought to question from her birth
Now that Irsquove grown deliberated read
The Scriptures that they taught and did not teach
Now after tasting wine and breaking bread
And listening to inconsistent speech
I think I may have been mistaken Yet
On those rare weekends when Irsquom home I still
Sit and suffer myself to be beset
By words of those who say they know the thrill
Of faith I do try but I canrsquot conceive
Of what they mean Perhaps theyrsquore comforted
By always being told what to believe
What difference will it make when they are dead
I hate it Still I kneel and still I stand
And at the Lordrsquos Prayer hold my motherrsquos hand
Mary Berman
6
1 The last thing she said was my name She said my name and stopped breathing She said my name and I stopped breathing2 She says her legs hurt The ice doesnrsquot help Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see they hurt Shersquos crying I rub and rub her legs with cream My arms are sore but if I slow down it hurts Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see we hurt3 We need to bathe her Maybe shersquoll feel better She canrsquot stand so I carry her Maybe if we bathe her shersquoll get up tomorrow Maybe the water will make it all better Only I can bathe her Nobody else I dip a towel in water and begin to rub Be gentle Be gentle Donrsquot move me too much I dip the towel in water and gently scrub I feel the tumor in her back the tumor in her head the tumor in her leg Therersquos a tumor I dip the towel in water and I rub praying that it wonrsquot move me too much4 She says shersquos too tired to go out and play Not even for ice cream No not today She says that the wheelchair is too much to carry She says if it didnrsquot hurt maybe she would walk But today she is tired Maybe tomorrow we can go out and play5 Chemo and radiation every day at three I run out of school to pick her up Shersquos always so pretty dressing in pink Any other little girl would look healthy Shersquos always so pretty hidden beneath her blanket She says shersquos too weary to walk on her own I squat to the floor and let her hug my neck I pick up her legs and make sure it doesnrsquot hurt I canrsquot do harsh movements when Irsquom carrying her Together as one we go through the door Security knows us the best friend and her She is the angel I am the wings I help her fly and I feel the wind 6 The doctor says she can go out today Bring her back tomorrow We get in the car and drive for a long
time She falls asleep One night our night Today we can I drive to Santarsquos Enchanted Forest We laugh as she sits next to me on the rides We spin Itrsquos not as bad as chemo she says We laugh I buy her a snow cone and she spills it on her shirt Covered in red but laughing she glows Our night We laugh and drive back to IVrsquos and such7 Movie nights in the hospital Those are the best Microwave brownies Popcorn Sushi She laughs as we eat I eat caviar and she says she doesnrsquot want fishies growing in her belly The nurse comes in and says she needs platelets hanging the bag from her IV pole then leaving She says she feels itchy Her eyes start to swell They forgot the Benadryl I run to the nurses I say she canrsquot breathe They donrsquot let me in until she is asleep They say itrsquos an allergy They say shersquoll be fine I fight them until I am by her side 8 We swam in the pool and baked cakes at my house We jumped in the pool holding hands came out of the water and couldnrsquot stand We swam to the edge and held on for dear life We laughed at each other for not being able to swim When we got out I cleaned her port Alcohol prep pads gauze and bandaids The things I always kept in my purse 9 We went to butterfly world She loved it so much She picked up a sick butterfly and helped it fly One landed on her head I ran for my camera but landed facedown on the floor instead She just stood there with a butterfly on her head laughing at me 10 I see her She is fine Even her peach fuzz is gone I look at her and shersquos fine Yet the doctor sayrsquos shersquos going to die I see my friend and I canrsquot think The doctor says she has ten weeks to live I see her now her eyes a bit weak Please doctor donrsquot tell her She canrsquot know I hug her mom I tell her wersquore strong and from now on we have to just make her happy Please doctor donrsquot tell me I canrsquot know I just want us to be happy
THE
GIR
L I C
ARR
YLa
ura
Gra
u
Stock photo courtesy of Piotr Menducki
8
Colleen McDermott
FULL O
F HOT AIR Lararsquos temples throbbed as her boss flung
accusations and petty remarks at her They were
all completely unnecessary but it wasnrsquot like he
was the type to appreciate the hours of work that
went into a project or understand the difference
between a reasonable request and an unreasonable
mandate She exhaled through clenched teeth
emptying her lungs so deliberately as if requiring
attention from usually autonomous functions
would be able to keep the tears from coming
When it was over she used every ounce
of restraint not to slam the hardwood office
door The second she got to her own office she
tore off her heels- the clacking was making her
headache worse She headed for the elevators
and jabbed the button for the lobby This of
course was the day the elevator stopped on
six of the eleven floors between Lara and her
sanity and she congratulated herself on not
yelling ldquoIs there something wrong with the
stairsrdquo to the lady who got on the second floor
Finally she was free She didnrsquot care that she
looked as if she were on a walk of shame she fled
the office heels in hand The smooth pavement
felt good on the balls of her feet A passerby told
her it was dangerous to walk in the city barefoot
Lara figured that if she got tetanus or hepatitis she
at least wouldnrsquot have to go to work tomorrow
All of a sudden Lara broke her stride She
shook her head in disbelief her boss stood on the
corner ahead of her She put her head down and
hoped to power walk past him so he wouldnrsquot see
her As she approached him the density of the
crowd before her lessened allowing her to see
him clearly Lara breathed a sigh of relief- it wasnrsquot
actually him It was only his head floating above the
ground attached to a cotton string like a balloon
Lara laughed as her bossrsquos head floated
gingerly above the sidewalk He looked
bewildered but seemed unable to speak let
alone yell A sly smile crept across her face
and she took his string in her hand She tied
him around her wrist as if she were a child and
continued walking She glanced up at him as she
crossed 49th street He was changing His ears were
bigger now almost simian Each block the two
traveled together brought more exaggerations
to his features until he resembled a mere
caricature of himself Lara liked it better this way
She held her head high as she neared her
exrsquos place She hated that it was smack dab in the
middle of the quickest route to her apartment
She told herself she was over what had happened
because she was finally past the point of walking
ten blocks out of her way just to avoid the chance
of seeing him She really only had run into him on
a couple of occasions but it was never a pleasant
encounter He was always so polite to her so calm
10
He really thought he had never done anything
wrong Every time she saw him the casual glibness
irked Lara so much it was all she could do to slap
him across the face in the middle of the sidewalk
Inevitably after these encounters she
would find herself at the gym listening to the
angsty punk music she should have outgrown by
now and she would run until she wasnrsquot so upset
She would run through the flashbacks of the
insults that swirled through her head She would
run through the sense of loss for what had once
been such a good thing She never could have
imagined that a relationship she thought was
absolutely perfect would end with him callously
telling her he couldnrsquot stand to spend another
three hours with her and that he could go a year
without being intimate with anyone as long as
it meant hersquod never have to see her again Lara
never knew what she could have possibly done
to him but had given up trying to figure it out
Of course her ex was outside his building
today Lara strode toward him Today might
just be the day she actually slapped him She
reached out to strike him but discovered he
too was not really himself Lara chuckled at this
realization and slapped the balloon head of
her ex anyway Then she tied him to the same
wrist her boss was on She figured they could
be friends since they had so much in common
A couple blocks later Lara smiled
as she examined the grotesqueness of the
newly caricature-ized features that her ex
had She kept sneaking secret glances and
felt a rush of smug triumph with every look
In the park Lara found another balloon
It was her college roommate who had not only
let her boyfriend live with them without asking
and without making him paying rent but ran
off with him while they still had three months
left on their lease She never returned and never
sent Lara a check She left Lara with an apartment
she had no way of affording on her own and no
prospect of someone to sublet with only a few
months of college left She eagerly added her
roommate balloon to the growing collection
muttering that she belonged with her people
After that Lara vowed to collect the
rest of them and took off through the city for
balloons to add to her growing bunch She found
her statistics professor floating near a bench
acting as if he had never failed her because she
had refused to sleep with him He joined the
collection and fit right in growing ugly just like
the others Lara found her high school soccer
coach in the park too She plucked him from
the sidelines of a game before he had a chance
to badmouth another player to every college
scout just because she wouldnrsquot leave her club
team to play for his sketchy startup group
As her collection grew Lara felt herself get
lighter and she decided to broaden the circle
She found the girl who told everyone else on the
soccer team that Lara was bulimic the day after
she had food poisoning At least she and the
coach already knew each other so there wouldnrsquot
be any awkward tensions in the balloon bunch
She found the teacher from middle
school who took the note with the name of the
boy Lara had a crush on and read it to the entire
school over the PA system She found her piano
teacher who used to make her cry no matter how
beautifully she would play She found the girls
in from seventh grade who told Lara she was fat
because she wasnrsquot allowed to weigh 100 pounds
until she was sixteen She even collected Davy
Commisky and Billy OrsquoToole from elementary
school They were the ones who put glue in her
hair and told her it was anti-cootie medicine
Lara had quite a collection by the time
she had made her rounds She paced for awhile
until she was sure all of their transformations had
been completed The world now could see what
shersquod always known-exactly how ugly they were
Finally she took all of her balloons and
climbed to the roof of her building She took one
last look at their distorted features with a perverse
sense of pride She let herself be angry She let
herself hate them for a minute Then slowly she
untied them all from her wrist looked at them all
one last time and let them go
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE I was cleaning out a binder I
used to use for biochemistry lab and found one
of my old sketches (I clearly used downtime
during experiments wisely) so I decided to give
it a story
12
THE FIDDLERKat Lewis
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through
the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in
the road
DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but
torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with
determination She carries a violin case to the center of
the crossroad
Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she
unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her
neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24
As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips
around her The light above her head grows brighter until it
bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the
moonbeam She stops playing
Silence blankets the desert
Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over
her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the
other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears
above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk
DEVIL
Are you here to challenge me
DANI
No Irsquom here to defeat you
The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle
DEVIL
Oh child That is some big talk
for a little girl like you What
business do you have with me
Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the
mouth They squint at the girl
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone
DANI
Itrsquos just Dani
The Devilrsquos grin widens
14
FADE IN
DEVIL
Irsquove been waiting for you
INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT
FLASHBACK TO
Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches
the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s
pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her
hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand
Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed
DOCTOR
Just one more push Elise Yoursquore
doing great
Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as
the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms
DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)
Itrsquos a girl
The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby
to a NURSE to be washed off
ELISE
How is she
DOCTOR
No complications so far Very
fortunate for a couple your age
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
TIME CUT TO
Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a
chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed
Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn
ELISE
Isnrsquot she precious
MATT
I canrsquot believe we did it After
all these years we finally did it
Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek
A beat of silence falls on the hospital
Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like
falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating
beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames
crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital
bed
DEVIL
Elise
Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the
bed allows Dani cries
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
You know why Irsquom here You breached
our contract
ELISE
I found a loophole With all the
lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault
you canrsquot write an airtight
contract
The Devil lets out an indignant snort
DEVIL
Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal
with me Now I break you
He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his
grin to the side
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos
name
Danielle
DEVIL
Danielle Meaning God is my judge
Satan laughs
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
How appropriate
ELISE
God damn it What do you want
DEVIL
16
Oh I donrsquot know
He looks from Elise to her daughter and back
ELISE
(reluctant)
No You gave us this You canrsquot
take our baby
DEVIL
Naked came I out of my motherrsquos
womb and naked shall I return
thither the Lord gave and the
Lord hath taken away blessed be
the name of the Lord
Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before
spitting a wad of fire onto the ground
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute
shit I donrsquot want the baby Just
your assured misery I lay a curse
on little Danielle Should you or
anyone else touch her a family
member will perish Donrsquot worry
though if you love your husband or
your mother more you can just
leave her in the crib to rot
Elise and Satan stare each other down
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The choice is yours
The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the
flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries
between them
TIME CUT TO
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about
ELISE
I think shersquos hungry What do we
do
Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives
it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her
mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile
floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly
shaking her head
MATT
Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll
take our chances
Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones
look to one another A tense silence fills the room before
they all let out a relieved sigh
Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face
MATT (CONTrsquoD)
Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone
want anything
The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt
walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a
groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles
turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt
He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his
body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks
his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes
her head
The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back
at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from
its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the
side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his
neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words
coming out a hoarse whisper
MATT
(The Devilrsquos voice)
This is only the beginning
The body falls limp
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER
Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo
Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to
18
only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the
changing table a TV is heard from the next room
Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand
into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear
zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box
for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to
the baby
TIME CUT TO
Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile
playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant
half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper
GRAMMY
Elise
ELISE (OS)
Yeah
GRAMMY
An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos
funeral came in the mail today
ELISE (OS)
Jeez How old was she
GRAMMY
24 Are we going
Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby
giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration
ELISE (OS)
Irsquoll have to--
Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist
Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in
the next room
GRAMMY
Elise
Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room
CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over
eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly
strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she
looks to the grinning baby
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER
Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo
On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a
fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos
strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler
Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a
grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she
curtsies
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - LATER
Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs
speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy
stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a
hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes
shifting around the room
A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something
snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy
pulls Dani closer
WOMAN
Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter
is just phenomenal Only five years
old and playing like that
Dani smiles before shyly speaking
DANI
Irsquom four
She holds up four fingers
WOMAN
My word Yoursquore a little Mozart
arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had
half your talent
The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and
Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years
old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an
20
untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin
like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face
shaking her head
The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile
WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)
Anyway you were fabulous today
Keep it up
Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem
to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a
congratulatory but condescending pat on the head
Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand
Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a
chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor
ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His
family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries
out a back door
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK
SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo
Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around
a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN
reports an accident at a construction site The box in the
corner displays the headline Construction Accident
17-year-old boy found dead
Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from
somewhere in the house
GRAMMY
Dani
The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a
turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered
except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off
the TV
GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)
Did you do this
Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his
family
DANI
Irsquove never seen any of those people
before
Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face
GRAMMY
Have you been wearing gloves You
know itrsquos only skin to ski--
DANI
For God sake Grammy Yes I know
what to do Itrsquos not like you let
me leave the house anyway
GRAMMY
Itrsquos for your own good
DANI
My own good I havenrsquot gone outside
in six days Irsquom going crazy In
the last month yoursquove let me out
of the house to get the mail maybe
four times I have a right to a
life you know
GRAMMY
Your mother signed away any rights
you had long ago
DANI
Maybe I should make a deal with Him
too Irsquom sure Hell is much more
bearable than here
GRAMMY
You want to leave Then go I canrsquot
look at you right now
Dani points to the TV
DANI
I didnrsquot do that
GRAMMY
Get out
Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV
22
rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door
slams Grammy flinches
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to
see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani
notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the
palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle
END FLASHBACK
RETURN TO
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the
Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips
DEVIL
You know Irsquove got your Grammy
right here Would you like to say
hi
DANI
Cut the shit Lucy
The Devil groans at the nickname
DANI (CONTrsquoD)
Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom
gonna kick your ass in this stupid
fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift
the curse
DEVIL
Or you could just let me bring you
to Hell now
DANI
And why would I agree to that
DEVIL
Hellrsquos actually not that bad And
Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom
itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes
from time to time bad things
happen to its residents like a limb
gets chopped off or they get turned
into serpents But thatrsquos life
right
Dani stares at him unconvinced
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my
neighbor Last week he went to
visit Van Gogh in the Seventh
Circle I watched his cat while he
was gone and that thing was an
angel Adorable playful God my
kid loved it Hersquos begging me for
one now
DANI
(incredulous)
You have a kid
DEVIL
Thatrsquos not the point Whether you
win or lose you end up downstairs
with me The price for freedom is
your soul So itrsquos only a matter
of time Why donrsquot we skip this
whole battle nonsense and take you
to your new home You look like a
girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna
meet Hemingway
DANI
Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose
DEVIL
Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the
fucking devil Irsquom not scared of
anything
Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over
each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted
under the moon they played He plays the call and she the
response For every question his nimble extremities sing to
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
6
1 The last thing she said was my name She said my name and stopped breathing She said my name and I stopped breathing2 She says her legs hurt The ice doesnrsquot help Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see they hurt Shersquos crying I rub and rub her legs with cream My arms are sore but if I slow down it hurts Nurse up the morphine canrsquot you see we hurt3 We need to bathe her Maybe shersquoll feel better She canrsquot stand so I carry her Maybe if we bathe her shersquoll get up tomorrow Maybe the water will make it all better Only I can bathe her Nobody else I dip a towel in water and begin to rub Be gentle Be gentle Donrsquot move me too much I dip the towel in water and gently scrub I feel the tumor in her back the tumor in her head the tumor in her leg Therersquos a tumor I dip the towel in water and I rub praying that it wonrsquot move me too much4 She says shersquos too tired to go out and play Not even for ice cream No not today She says that the wheelchair is too much to carry She says if it didnrsquot hurt maybe she would walk But today she is tired Maybe tomorrow we can go out and play5 Chemo and radiation every day at three I run out of school to pick her up Shersquos always so pretty dressing in pink Any other little girl would look healthy Shersquos always so pretty hidden beneath her blanket She says shersquos too weary to walk on her own I squat to the floor and let her hug my neck I pick up her legs and make sure it doesnrsquot hurt I canrsquot do harsh movements when Irsquom carrying her Together as one we go through the door Security knows us the best friend and her She is the angel I am the wings I help her fly and I feel the wind 6 The doctor says she can go out today Bring her back tomorrow We get in the car and drive for a long
time She falls asleep One night our night Today we can I drive to Santarsquos Enchanted Forest We laugh as she sits next to me on the rides We spin Itrsquos not as bad as chemo she says We laugh I buy her a snow cone and she spills it on her shirt Covered in red but laughing she glows Our night We laugh and drive back to IVrsquos and such7 Movie nights in the hospital Those are the best Microwave brownies Popcorn Sushi She laughs as we eat I eat caviar and she says she doesnrsquot want fishies growing in her belly The nurse comes in and says she needs platelets hanging the bag from her IV pole then leaving She says she feels itchy Her eyes start to swell They forgot the Benadryl I run to the nurses I say she canrsquot breathe They donrsquot let me in until she is asleep They say itrsquos an allergy They say shersquoll be fine I fight them until I am by her side 8 We swam in the pool and baked cakes at my house We jumped in the pool holding hands came out of the water and couldnrsquot stand We swam to the edge and held on for dear life We laughed at each other for not being able to swim When we got out I cleaned her port Alcohol prep pads gauze and bandaids The things I always kept in my purse 9 We went to butterfly world She loved it so much She picked up a sick butterfly and helped it fly One landed on her head I ran for my camera but landed facedown on the floor instead She just stood there with a butterfly on her head laughing at me 10 I see her She is fine Even her peach fuzz is gone I look at her and shersquos fine Yet the doctor sayrsquos shersquos going to die I see my friend and I canrsquot think The doctor says she has ten weeks to live I see her now her eyes a bit weak Please doctor donrsquot tell her She canrsquot know I hug her mom I tell her wersquore strong and from now on we have to just make her happy Please doctor donrsquot tell me I canrsquot know I just want us to be happy
THE
GIR
L I C
ARR
YLa
ura
Gra
u
Stock photo courtesy of Piotr Menducki
8
Colleen McDermott
FULL O
F HOT AIR Lararsquos temples throbbed as her boss flung
accusations and petty remarks at her They were
all completely unnecessary but it wasnrsquot like he
was the type to appreciate the hours of work that
went into a project or understand the difference
between a reasonable request and an unreasonable
mandate She exhaled through clenched teeth
emptying her lungs so deliberately as if requiring
attention from usually autonomous functions
would be able to keep the tears from coming
When it was over she used every ounce
of restraint not to slam the hardwood office
door The second she got to her own office she
tore off her heels- the clacking was making her
headache worse She headed for the elevators
and jabbed the button for the lobby This of
course was the day the elevator stopped on
six of the eleven floors between Lara and her
sanity and she congratulated herself on not
yelling ldquoIs there something wrong with the
stairsrdquo to the lady who got on the second floor
Finally she was free She didnrsquot care that she
looked as if she were on a walk of shame she fled
the office heels in hand The smooth pavement
felt good on the balls of her feet A passerby told
her it was dangerous to walk in the city barefoot
Lara figured that if she got tetanus or hepatitis she
at least wouldnrsquot have to go to work tomorrow
All of a sudden Lara broke her stride She
shook her head in disbelief her boss stood on the
corner ahead of her She put her head down and
hoped to power walk past him so he wouldnrsquot see
her As she approached him the density of the
crowd before her lessened allowing her to see
him clearly Lara breathed a sigh of relief- it wasnrsquot
actually him It was only his head floating above the
ground attached to a cotton string like a balloon
Lara laughed as her bossrsquos head floated
gingerly above the sidewalk He looked
bewildered but seemed unable to speak let
alone yell A sly smile crept across her face
and she took his string in her hand She tied
him around her wrist as if she were a child and
continued walking She glanced up at him as she
crossed 49th street He was changing His ears were
bigger now almost simian Each block the two
traveled together brought more exaggerations
to his features until he resembled a mere
caricature of himself Lara liked it better this way
She held her head high as she neared her
exrsquos place She hated that it was smack dab in the
middle of the quickest route to her apartment
She told herself she was over what had happened
because she was finally past the point of walking
ten blocks out of her way just to avoid the chance
of seeing him She really only had run into him on
a couple of occasions but it was never a pleasant
encounter He was always so polite to her so calm
10
He really thought he had never done anything
wrong Every time she saw him the casual glibness
irked Lara so much it was all she could do to slap
him across the face in the middle of the sidewalk
Inevitably after these encounters she
would find herself at the gym listening to the
angsty punk music she should have outgrown by
now and she would run until she wasnrsquot so upset
She would run through the flashbacks of the
insults that swirled through her head She would
run through the sense of loss for what had once
been such a good thing She never could have
imagined that a relationship she thought was
absolutely perfect would end with him callously
telling her he couldnrsquot stand to spend another
three hours with her and that he could go a year
without being intimate with anyone as long as
it meant hersquod never have to see her again Lara
never knew what she could have possibly done
to him but had given up trying to figure it out
Of course her ex was outside his building
today Lara strode toward him Today might
just be the day she actually slapped him She
reached out to strike him but discovered he
too was not really himself Lara chuckled at this
realization and slapped the balloon head of
her ex anyway Then she tied him to the same
wrist her boss was on She figured they could
be friends since they had so much in common
A couple blocks later Lara smiled
as she examined the grotesqueness of the
newly caricature-ized features that her ex
had She kept sneaking secret glances and
felt a rush of smug triumph with every look
In the park Lara found another balloon
It was her college roommate who had not only
let her boyfriend live with them without asking
and without making him paying rent but ran
off with him while they still had three months
left on their lease She never returned and never
sent Lara a check She left Lara with an apartment
she had no way of affording on her own and no
prospect of someone to sublet with only a few
months of college left She eagerly added her
roommate balloon to the growing collection
muttering that she belonged with her people
After that Lara vowed to collect the
rest of them and took off through the city for
balloons to add to her growing bunch She found
her statistics professor floating near a bench
acting as if he had never failed her because she
had refused to sleep with him He joined the
collection and fit right in growing ugly just like
the others Lara found her high school soccer
coach in the park too She plucked him from
the sidelines of a game before he had a chance
to badmouth another player to every college
scout just because she wouldnrsquot leave her club
team to play for his sketchy startup group
As her collection grew Lara felt herself get
lighter and she decided to broaden the circle
She found the girl who told everyone else on the
soccer team that Lara was bulimic the day after
she had food poisoning At least she and the
coach already knew each other so there wouldnrsquot
be any awkward tensions in the balloon bunch
She found the teacher from middle
school who took the note with the name of the
boy Lara had a crush on and read it to the entire
school over the PA system She found her piano
teacher who used to make her cry no matter how
beautifully she would play She found the girls
in from seventh grade who told Lara she was fat
because she wasnrsquot allowed to weigh 100 pounds
until she was sixteen She even collected Davy
Commisky and Billy OrsquoToole from elementary
school They were the ones who put glue in her
hair and told her it was anti-cootie medicine
Lara had quite a collection by the time
she had made her rounds She paced for awhile
until she was sure all of their transformations had
been completed The world now could see what
shersquod always known-exactly how ugly they were
Finally she took all of her balloons and
climbed to the roof of her building She took one
last look at their distorted features with a perverse
sense of pride She let herself be angry She let
herself hate them for a minute Then slowly she
untied them all from her wrist looked at them all
one last time and let them go
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE I was cleaning out a binder I
used to use for biochemistry lab and found one
of my old sketches (I clearly used downtime
during experiments wisely) so I decided to give
it a story
12
THE FIDDLERKat Lewis
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through
the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in
the road
DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but
torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with
determination She carries a violin case to the center of
the crossroad
Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she
unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her
neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24
As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips
around her The light above her head grows brighter until it
bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the
moonbeam She stops playing
Silence blankets the desert
Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over
her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the
other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears
above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk
DEVIL
Are you here to challenge me
DANI
No Irsquom here to defeat you
The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle
DEVIL
Oh child That is some big talk
for a little girl like you What
business do you have with me
Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the
mouth They squint at the girl
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone
DANI
Itrsquos just Dani
The Devilrsquos grin widens
14
FADE IN
DEVIL
Irsquove been waiting for you
INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT
FLASHBACK TO
Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches
the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s
pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her
hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand
Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed
DOCTOR
Just one more push Elise Yoursquore
doing great
Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as
the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms
DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)
Itrsquos a girl
The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby
to a NURSE to be washed off
ELISE
How is she
DOCTOR
No complications so far Very
fortunate for a couple your age
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
TIME CUT TO
Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a
chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed
Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn
ELISE
Isnrsquot she precious
MATT
I canrsquot believe we did it After
all these years we finally did it
Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek
A beat of silence falls on the hospital
Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like
falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating
beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames
crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital
bed
DEVIL
Elise
Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the
bed allows Dani cries
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
You know why Irsquom here You breached
our contract
ELISE
I found a loophole With all the
lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault
you canrsquot write an airtight
contract
The Devil lets out an indignant snort
DEVIL
Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal
with me Now I break you
He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his
grin to the side
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos
name
Danielle
DEVIL
Danielle Meaning God is my judge
Satan laughs
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
How appropriate
ELISE
God damn it What do you want
DEVIL
16
Oh I donrsquot know
He looks from Elise to her daughter and back
ELISE
(reluctant)
No You gave us this You canrsquot
take our baby
DEVIL
Naked came I out of my motherrsquos
womb and naked shall I return
thither the Lord gave and the
Lord hath taken away blessed be
the name of the Lord
Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before
spitting a wad of fire onto the ground
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute
shit I donrsquot want the baby Just
your assured misery I lay a curse
on little Danielle Should you or
anyone else touch her a family
member will perish Donrsquot worry
though if you love your husband or
your mother more you can just
leave her in the crib to rot
Elise and Satan stare each other down
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The choice is yours
The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the
flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries
between them
TIME CUT TO
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about
ELISE
I think shersquos hungry What do we
do
Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives
it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her
mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile
floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly
shaking her head
MATT
Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll
take our chances
Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones
look to one another A tense silence fills the room before
they all let out a relieved sigh
Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face
MATT (CONTrsquoD)
Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone
want anything
The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt
walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a
groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles
turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt
He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his
body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks
his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes
her head
The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back
at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from
its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the
side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his
neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words
coming out a hoarse whisper
MATT
(The Devilrsquos voice)
This is only the beginning
The body falls limp
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER
Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo
Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to
18
only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the
changing table a TV is heard from the next room
Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand
into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear
zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box
for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to
the baby
TIME CUT TO
Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile
playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant
half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper
GRAMMY
Elise
ELISE (OS)
Yeah
GRAMMY
An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos
funeral came in the mail today
ELISE (OS)
Jeez How old was she
GRAMMY
24 Are we going
Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby
giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration
ELISE (OS)
Irsquoll have to--
Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist
Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in
the next room
GRAMMY
Elise
Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room
CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over
eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly
strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she
looks to the grinning baby
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER
Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo
On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a
fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos
strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler
Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a
grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she
curtsies
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - LATER
Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs
speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy
stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a
hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes
shifting around the room
A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something
snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy
pulls Dani closer
WOMAN
Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter
is just phenomenal Only five years
old and playing like that
Dani smiles before shyly speaking
DANI
Irsquom four
She holds up four fingers
WOMAN
My word Yoursquore a little Mozart
arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had
half your talent
The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and
Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years
old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an
20
untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin
like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face
shaking her head
The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile
WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)
Anyway you were fabulous today
Keep it up
Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem
to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a
congratulatory but condescending pat on the head
Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand
Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a
chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor
ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His
family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries
out a back door
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK
SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo
Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around
a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN
reports an accident at a construction site The box in the
corner displays the headline Construction Accident
17-year-old boy found dead
Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from
somewhere in the house
GRAMMY
Dani
The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a
turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered
except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off
the TV
GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)
Did you do this
Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his
family
DANI
Irsquove never seen any of those people
before
Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face
GRAMMY
Have you been wearing gloves You
know itrsquos only skin to ski--
DANI
For God sake Grammy Yes I know
what to do Itrsquos not like you let
me leave the house anyway
GRAMMY
Itrsquos for your own good
DANI
My own good I havenrsquot gone outside
in six days Irsquom going crazy In
the last month yoursquove let me out
of the house to get the mail maybe
four times I have a right to a
life you know
GRAMMY
Your mother signed away any rights
you had long ago
DANI
Maybe I should make a deal with Him
too Irsquom sure Hell is much more
bearable than here
GRAMMY
You want to leave Then go I canrsquot
look at you right now
Dani points to the TV
DANI
I didnrsquot do that
GRAMMY
Get out
Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV
22
rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door
slams Grammy flinches
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to
see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani
notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the
palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle
END FLASHBACK
RETURN TO
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the
Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips
DEVIL
You know Irsquove got your Grammy
right here Would you like to say
hi
DANI
Cut the shit Lucy
The Devil groans at the nickname
DANI (CONTrsquoD)
Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom
gonna kick your ass in this stupid
fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift
the curse
DEVIL
Or you could just let me bring you
to Hell now
DANI
And why would I agree to that
DEVIL
Hellrsquos actually not that bad And
Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom
itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes
from time to time bad things
happen to its residents like a limb
gets chopped off or they get turned
into serpents But thatrsquos life
right
Dani stares at him unconvinced
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my
neighbor Last week he went to
visit Van Gogh in the Seventh
Circle I watched his cat while he
was gone and that thing was an
angel Adorable playful God my
kid loved it Hersquos begging me for
one now
DANI
(incredulous)
You have a kid
DEVIL
Thatrsquos not the point Whether you
win or lose you end up downstairs
with me The price for freedom is
your soul So itrsquos only a matter
of time Why donrsquot we skip this
whole battle nonsense and take you
to your new home You look like a
girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna
meet Hemingway
DANI
Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose
DEVIL
Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the
fucking devil Irsquom not scared of
anything
Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over
each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted
under the moon they played He plays the call and she the
response For every question his nimble extremities sing to
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
8
Colleen McDermott
FULL O
F HOT AIR Lararsquos temples throbbed as her boss flung
accusations and petty remarks at her They were
all completely unnecessary but it wasnrsquot like he
was the type to appreciate the hours of work that
went into a project or understand the difference
between a reasonable request and an unreasonable
mandate She exhaled through clenched teeth
emptying her lungs so deliberately as if requiring
attention from usually autonomous functions
would be able to keep the tears from coming
When it was over she used every ounce
of restraint not to slam the hardwood office
door The second she got to her own office she
tore off her heels- the clacking was making her
headache worse She headed for the elevators
and jabbed the button for the lobby This of
course was the day the elevator stopped on
six of the eleven floors between Lara and her
sanity and she congratulated herself on not
yelling ldquoIs there something wrong with the
stairsrdquo to the lady who got on the second floor
Finally she was free She didnrsquot care that she
looked as if she were on a walk of shame she fled
the office heels in hand The smooth pavement
felt good on the balls of her feet A passerby told
her it was dangerous to walk in the city barefoot
Lara figured that if she got tetanus or hepatitis she
at least wouldnrsquot have to go to work tomorrow
All of a sudden Lara broke her stride She
shook her head in disbelief her boss stood on the
corner ahead of her She put her head down and
hoped to power walk past him so he wouldnrsquot see
her As she approached him the density of the
crowd before her lessened allowing her to see
him clearly Lara breathed a sigh of relief- it wasnrsquot
actually him It was only his head floating above the
ground attached to a cotton string like a balloon
Lara laughed as her bossrsquos head floated
gingerly above the sidewalk He looked
bewildered but seemed unable to speak let
alone yell A sly smile crept across her face
and she took his string in her hand She tied
him around her wrist as if she were a child and
continued walking She glanced up at him as she
crossed 49th street He was changing His ears were
bigger now almost simian Each block the two
traveled together brought more exaggerations
to his features until he resembled a mere
caricature of himself Lara liked it better this way
She held her head high as she neared her
exrsquos place She hated that it was smack dab in the
middle of the quickest route to her apartment
She told herself she was over what had happened
because she was finally past the point of walking
ten blocks out of her way just to avoid the chance
of seeing him She really only had run into him on
a couple of occasions but it was never a pleasant
encounter He was always so polite to her so calm
10
He really thought he had never done anything
wrong Every time she saw him the casual glibness
irked Lara so much it was all she could do to slap
him across the face in the middle of the sidewalk
Inevitably after these encounters she
would find herself at the gym listening to the
angsty punk music she should have outgrown by
now and she would run until she wasnrsquot so upset
She would run through the flashbacks of the
insults that swirled through her head She would
run through the sense of loss for what had once
been such a good thing She never could have
imagined that a relationship she thought was
absolutely perfect would end with him callously
telling her he couldnrsquot stand to spend another
three hours with her and that he could go a year
without being intimate with anyone as long as
it meant hersquod never have to see her again Lara
never knew what she could have possibly done
to him but had given up trying to figure it out
Of course her ex was outside his building
today Lara strode toward him Today might
just be the day she actually slapped him She
reached out to strike him but discovered he
too was not really himself Lara chuckled at this
realization and slapped the balloon head of
her ex anyway Then she tied him to the same
wrist her boss was on She figured they could
be friends since they had so much in common
A couple blocks later Lara smiled
as she examined the grotesqueness of the
newly caricature-ized features that her ex
had She kept sneaking secret glances and
felt a rush of smug triumph with every look
In the park Lara found another balloon
It was her college roommate who had not only
let her boyfriend live with them without asking
and without making him paying rent but ran
off with him while they still had three months
left on their lease She never returned and never
sent Lara a check She left Lara with an apartment
she had no way of affording on her own and no
prospect of someone to sublet with only a few
months of college left She eagerly added her
roommate balloon to the growing collection
muttering that she belonged with her people
After that Lara vowed to collect the
rest of them and took off through the city for
balloons to add to her growing bunch She found
her statistics professor floating near a bench
acting as if he had never failed her because she
had refused to sleep with him He joined the
collection and fit right in growing ugly just like
the others Lara found her high school soccer
coach in the park too She plucked him from
the sidelines of a game before he had a chance
to badmouth another player to every college
scout just because she wouldnrsquot leave her club
team to play for his sketchy startup group
As her collection grew Lara felt herself get
lighter and she decided to broaden the circle
She found the girl who told everyone else on the
soccer team that Lara was bulimic the day after
she had food poisoning At least she and the
coach already knew each other so there wouldnrsquot
be any awkward tensions in the balloon bunch
She found the teacher from middle
school who took the note with the name of the
boy Lara had a crush on and read it to the entire
school over the PA system She found her piano
teacher who used to make her cry no matter how
beautifully she would play She found the girls
in from seventh grade who told Lara she was fat
because she wasnrsquot allowed to weigh 100 pounds
until she was sixteen She even collected Davy
Commisky and Billy OrsquoToole from elementary
school They were the ones who put glue in her
hair and told her it was anti-cootie medicine
Lara had quite a collection by the time
she had made her rounds She paced for awhile
until she was sure all of their transformations had
been completed The world now could see what
shersquod always known-exactly how ugly they were
Finally she took all of her balloons and
climbed to the roof of her building She took one
last look at their distorted features with a perverse
sense of pride She let herself be angry She let
herself hate them for a minute Then slowly she
untied them all from her wrist looked at them all
one last time and let them go
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE I was cleaning out a binder I
used to use for biochemistry lab and found one
of my old sketches (I clearly used downtime
during experiments wisely) so I decided to give
it a story
12
THE FIDDLERKat Lewis
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through
the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in
the road
DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but
torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with
determination She carries a violin case to the center of
the crossroad
Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she
unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her
neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24
As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips
around her The light above her head grows brighter until it
bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the
moonbeam She stops playing
Silence blankets the desert
Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over
her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the
other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears
above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk
DEVIL
Are you here to challenge me
DANI
No Irsquom here to defeat you
The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle
DEVIL
Oh child That is some big talk
for a little girl like you What
business do you have with me
Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the
mouth They squint at the girl
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone
DANI
Itrsquos just Dani
The Devilrsquos grin widens
14
FADE IN
DEVIL
Irsquove been waiting for you
INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT
FLASHBACK TO
Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches
the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s
pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her
hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand
Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed
DOCTOR
Just one more push Elise Yoursquore
doing great
Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as
the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms
DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)
Itrsquos a girl
The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby
to a NURSE to be washed off
ELISE
How is she
DOCTOR
No complications so far Very
fortunate for a couple your age
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
TIME CUT TO
Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a
chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed
Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn
ELISE
Isnrsquot she precious
MATT
I canrsquot believe we did it After
all these years we finally did it
Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek
A beat of silence falls on the hospital
Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like
falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating
beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames
crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital
bed
DEVIL
Elise
Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the
bed allows Dani cries
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
You know why Irsquom here You breached
our contract
ELISE
I found a loophole With all the
lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault
you canrsquot write an airtight
contract
The Devil lets out an indignant snort
DEVIL
Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal
with me Now I break you
He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his
grin to the side
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos
name
Danielle
DEVIL
Danielle Meaning God is my judge
Satan laughs
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
How appropriate
ELISE
God damn it What do you want
DEVIL
16
Oh I donrsquot know
He looks from Elise to her daughter and back
ELISE
(reluctant)
No You gave us this You canrsquot
take our baby
DEVIL
Naked came I out of my motherrsquos
womb and naked shall I return
thither the Lord gave and the
Lord hath taken away blessed be
the name of the Lord
Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before
spitting a wad of fire onto the ground
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute
shit I donrsquot want the baby Just
your assured misery I lay a curse
on little Danielle Should you or
anyone else touch her a family
member will perish Donrsquot worry
though if you love your husband or
your mother more you can just
leave her in the crib to rot
Elise and Satan stare each other down
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The choice is yours
The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the
flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries
between them
TIME CUT TO
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about
ELISE
I think shersquos hungry What do we
do
Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives
it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her
mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile
floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly
shaking her head
MATT
Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll
take our chances
Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones
look to one another A tense silence fills the room before
they all let out a relieved sigh
Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face
MATT (CONTrsquoD)
Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone
want anything
The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt
walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a
groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles
turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt
He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his
body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks
his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes
her head
The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back
at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from
its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the
side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his
neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words
coming out a hoarse whisper
MATT
(The Devilrsquos voice)
This is only the beginning
The body falls limp
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER
Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo
Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to
18
only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the
changing table a TV is heard from the next room
Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand
into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear
zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box
for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to
the baby
TIME CUT TO
Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile
playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant
half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper
GRAMMY
Elise
ELISE (OS)
Yeah
GRAMMY
An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos
funeral came in the mail today
ELISE (OS)
Jeez How old was she
GRAMMY
24 Are we going
Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby
giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration
ELISE (OS)
Irsquoll have to--
Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist
Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in
the next room
GRAMMY
Elise
Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room
CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over
eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly
strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she
looks to the grinning baby
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER
Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo
On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a
fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos
strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler
Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a
grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she
curtsies
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - LATER
Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs
speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy
stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a
hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes
shifting around the room
A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something
snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy
pulls Dani closer
WOMAN
Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter
is just phenomenal Only five years
old and playing like that
Dani smiles before shyly speaking
DANI
Irsquom four
She holds up four fingers
WOMAN
My word Yoursquore a little Mozart
arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had
half your talent
The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and
Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years
old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an
20
untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin
like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face
shaking her head
The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile
WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)
Anyway you were fabulous today
Keep it up
Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem
to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a
congratulatory but condescending pat on the head
Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand
Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a
chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor
ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His
family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries
out a back door
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK
SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo
Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around
a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN
reports an accident at a construction site The box in the
corner displays the headline Construction Accident
17-year-old boy found dead
Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from
somewhere in the house
GRAMMY
Dani
The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a
turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered
except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off
the TV
GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)
Did you do this
Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his
family
DANI
Irsquove never seen any of those people
before
Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face
GRAMMY
Have you been wearing gloves You
know itrsquos only skin to ski--
DANI
For God sake Grammy Yes I know
what to do Itrsquos not like you let
me leave the house anyway
GRAMMY
Itrsquos for your own good
DANI
My own good I havenrsquot gone outside
in six days Irsquom going crazy In
the last month yoursquove let me out
of the house to get the mail maybe
four times I have a right to a
life you know
GRAMMY
Your mother signed away any rights
you had long ago
DANI
Maybe I should make a deal with Him
too Irsquom sure Hell is much more
bearable than here
GRAMMY
You want to leave Then go I canrsquot
look at you right now
Dani points to the TV
DANI
I didnrsquot do that
GRAMMY
Get out
Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV
22
rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door
slams Grammy flinches
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to
see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani
notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the
palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle
END FLASHBACK
RETURN TO
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the
Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips
DEVIL
You know Irsquove got your Grammy
right here Would you like to say
hi
DANI
Cut the shit Lucy
The Devil groans at the nickname
DANI (CONTrsquoD)
Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom
gonna kick your ass in this stupid
fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift
the curse
DEVIL
Or you could just let me bring you
to Hell now
DANI
And why would I agree to that
DEVIL
Hellrsquos actually not that bad And
Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom
itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes
from time to time bad things
happen to its residents like a limb
gets chopped off or they get turned
into serpents But thatrsquos life
right
Dani stares at him unconvinced
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my
neighbor Last week he went to
visit Van Gogh in the Seventh
Circle I watched his cat while he
was gone and that thing was an
angel Adorable playful God my
kid loved it Hersquos begging me for
one now
DANI
(incredulous)
You have a kid
DEVIL
Thatrsquos not the point Whether you
win or lose you end up downstairs
with me The price for freedom is
your soul So itrsquos only a matter
of time Why donrsquot we skip this
whole battle nonsense and take you
to your new home You look like a
girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna
meet Hemingway
DANI
Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose
DEVIL
Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the
fucking devil Irsquom not scared of
anything
Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over
each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted
under the moon they played He plays the call and she the
response For every question his nimble extremities sing to
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
10
He really thought he had never done anything
wrong Every time she saw him the casual glibness
irked Lara so much it was all she could do to slap
him across the face in the middle of the sidewalk
Inevitably after these encounters she
would find herself at the gym listening to the
angsty punk music she should have outgrown by
now and she would run until she wasnrsquot so upset
She would run through the flashbacks of the
insults that swirled through her head She would
run through the sense of loss for what had once
been such a good thing She never could have
imagined that a relationship she thought was
absolutely perfect would end with him callously
telling her he couldnrsquot stand to spend another
three hours with her and that he could go a year
without being intimate with anyone as long as
it meant hersquod never have to see her again Lara
never knew what she could have possibly done
to him but had given up trying to figure it out
Of course her ex was outside his building
today Lara strode toward him Today might
just be the day she actually slapped him She
reached out to strike him but discovered he
too was not really himself Lara chuckled at this
realization and slapped the balloon head of
her ex anyway Then she tied him to the same
wrist her boss was on She figured they could
be friends since they had so much in common
A couple blocks later Lara smiled
as she examined the grotesqueness of the
newly caricature-ized features that her ex
had She kept sneaking secret glances and
felt a rush of smug triumph with every look
In the park Lara found another balloon
It was her college roommate who had not only
let her boyfriend live with them without asking
and without making him paying rent but ran
off with him while they still had three months
left on their lease She never returned and never
sent Lara a check She left Lara with an apartment
she had no way of affording on her own and no
prospect of someone to sublet with only a few
months of college left She eagerly added her
roommate balloon to the growing collection
muttering that she belonged with her people
After that Lara vowed to collect the
rest of them and took off through the city for
balloons to add to her growing bunch She found
her statistics professor floating near a bench
acting as if he had never failed her because she
had refused to sleep with him He joined the
collection and fit right in growing ugly just like
the others Lara found her high school soccer
coach in the park too She plucked him from
the sidelines of a game before he had a chance
to badmouth another player to every college
scout just because she wouldnrsquot leave her club
team to play for his sketchy startup group
As her collection grew Lara felt herself get
lighter and she decided to broaden the circle
She found the girl who told everyone else on the
soccer team that Lara was bulimic the day after
she had food poisoning At least she and the
coach already knew each other so there wouldnrsquot
be any awkward tensions in the balloon bunch
She found the teacher from middle
school who took the note with the name of the
boy Lara had a crush on and read it to the entire
school over the PA system She found her piano
teacher who used to make her cry no matter how
beautifully she would play She found the girls
in from seventh grade who told Lara she was fat
because she wasnrsquot allowed to weigh 100 pounds
until she was sixteen She even collected Davy
Commisky and Billy OrsquoToole from elementary
school They were the ones who put glue in her
hair and told her it was anti-cootie medicine
Lara had quite a collection by the time
she had made her rounds She paced for awhile
until she was sure all of their transformations had
been completed The world now could see what
shersquod always known-exactly how ugly they were
Finally she took all of her balloons and
climbed to the roof of her building She took one
last look at their distorted features with a perverse
sense of pride She let herself be angry She let
herself hate them for a minute Then slowly she
untied them all from her wrist looked at them all
one last time and let them go
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE I was cleaning out a binder I
used to use for biochemistry lab and found one
of my old sketches (I clearly used downtime
during experiments wisely) so I decided to give
it a story
12
THE FIDDLERKat Lewis
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through
the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in
the road
DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but
torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with
determination She carries a violin case to the center of
the crossroad
Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she
unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her
neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24
As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips
around her The light above her head grows brighter until it
bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the
moonbeam She stops playing
Silence blankets the desert
Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over
her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the
other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears
above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk
DEVIL
Are you here to challenge me
DANI
No Irsquom here to defeat you
The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle
DEVIL
Oh child That is some big talk
for a little girl like you What
business do you have with me
Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the
mouth They squint at the girl
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone
DANI
Itrsquos just Dani
The Devilrsquos grin widens
14
FADE IN
DEVIL
Irsquove been waiting for you
INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT
FLASHBACK TO
Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches
the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s
pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her
hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand
Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed
DOCTOR
Just one more push Elise Yoursquore
doing great
Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as
the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms
DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)
Itrsquos a girl
The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby
to a NURSE to be washed off
ELISE
How is she
DOCTOR
No complications so far Very
fortunate for a couple your age
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
TIME CUT TO
Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a
chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed
Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn
ELISE
Isnrsquot she precious
MATT
I canrsquot believe we did it After
all these years we finally did it
Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek
A beat of silence falls on the hospital
Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like
falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating
beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames
crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital
bed
DEVIL
Elise
Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the
bed allows Dani cries
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
You know why Irsquom here You breached
our contract
ELISE
I found a loophole With all the
lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault
you canrsquot write an airtight
contract
The Devil lets out an indignant snort
DEVIL
Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal
with me Now I break you
He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his
grin to the side
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos
name
Danielle
DEVIL
Danielle Meaning God is my judge
Satan laughs
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
How appropriate
ELISE
God damn it What do you want
DEVIL
16
Oh I donrsquot know
He looks from Elise to her daughter and back
ELISE
(reluctant)
No You gave us this You canrsquot
take our baby
DEVIL
Naked came I out of my motherrsquos
womb and naked shall I return
thither the Lord gave and the
Lord hath taken away blessed be
the name of the Lord
Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before
spitting a wad of fire onto the ground
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute
shit I donrsquot want the baby Just
your assured misery I lay a curse
on little Danielle Should you or
anyone else touch her a family
member will perish Donrsquot worry
though if you love your husband or
your mother more you can just
leave her in the crib to rot
Elise and Satan stare each other down
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The choice is yours
The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the
flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries
between them
TIME CUT TO
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about
ELISE
I think shersquos hungry What do we
do
Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives
it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her
mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile
floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly
shaking her head
MATT
Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll
take our chances
Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones
look to one another A tense silence fills the room before
they all let out a relieved sigh
Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face
MATT (CONTrsquoD)
Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone
want anything
The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt
walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a
groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles
turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt
He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his
body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks
his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes
her head
The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back
at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from
its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the
side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his
neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words
coming out a hoarse whisper
MATT
(The Devilrsquos voice)
This is only the beginning
The body falls limp
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER
Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo
Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to
18
only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the
changing table a TV is heard from the next room
Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand
into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear
zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box
for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to
the baby
TIME CUT TO
Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile
playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant
half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper
GRAMMY
Elise
ELISE (OS)
Yeah
GRAMMY
An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos
funeral came in the mail today
ELISE (OS)
Jeez How old was she
GRAMMY
24 Are we going
Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby
giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration
ELISE (OS)
Irsquoll have to--
Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist
Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in
the next room
GRAMMY
Elise
Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room
CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over
eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly
strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she
looks to the grinning baby
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER
Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo
On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a
fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos
strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler
Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a
grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she
curtsies
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - LATER
Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs
speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy
stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a
hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes
shifting around the room
A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something
snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy
pulls Dani closer
WOMAN
Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter
is just phenomenal Only five years
old and playing like that
Dani smiles before shyly speaking
DANI
Irsquom four
She holds up four fingers
WOMAN
My word Yoursquore a little Mozart
arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had
half your talent
The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and
Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years
old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an
20
untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin
like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face
shaking her head
The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile
WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)
Anyway you were fabulous today
Keep it up
Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem
to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a
congratulatory but condescending pat on the head
Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand
Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a
chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor
ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His
family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries
out a back door
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK
SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo
Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around
a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN
reports an accident at a construction site The box in the
corner displays the headline Construction Accident
17-year-old boy found dead
Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from
somewhere in the house
GRAMMY
Dani
The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a
turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered
except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off
the TV
GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)
Did you do this
Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his
family
DANI
Irsquove never seen any of those people
before
Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face
GRAMMY
Have you been wearing gloves You
know itrsquos only skin to ski--
DANI
For God sake Grammy Yes I know
what to do Itrsquos not like you let
me leave the house anyway
GRAMMY
Itrsquos for your own good
DANI
My own good I havenrsquot gone outside
in six days Irsquom going crazy In
the last month yoursquove let me out
of the house to get the mail maybe
four times I have a right to a
life you know
GRAMMY
Your mother signed away any rights
you had long ago
DANI
Maybe I should make a deal with Him
too Irsquom sure Hell is much more
bearable than here
GRAMMY
You want to leave Then go I canrsquot
look at you right now
Dani points to the TV
DANI
I didnrsquot do that
GRAMMY
Get out
Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV
22
rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door
slams Grammy flinches
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to
see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani
notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the
palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle
END FLASHBACK
RETURN TO
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the
Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips
DEVIL
You know Irsquove got your Grammy
right here Would you like to say
hi
DANI
Cut the shit Lucy
The Devil groans at the nickname
DANI (CONTrsquoD)
Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom
gonna kick your ass in this stupid
fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift
the curse
DEVIL
Or you could just let me bring you
to Hell now
DANI
And why would I agree to that
DEVIL
Hellrsquos actually not that bad And
Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom
itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes
from time to time bad things
happen to its residents like a limb
gets chopped off or they get turned
into serpents But thatrsquos life
right
Dani stares at him unconvinced
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my
neighbor Last week he went to
visit Van Gogh in the Seventh
Circle I watched his cat while he
was gone and that thing was an
angel Adorable playful God my
kid loved it Hersquos begging me for
one now
DANI
(incredulous)
You have a kid
DEVIL
Thatrsquos not the point Whether you
win or lose you end up downstairs
with me The price for freedom is
your soul So itrsquos only a matter
of time Why donrsquot we skip this
whole battle nonsense and take you
to your new home You look like a
girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna
meet Hemingway
DANI
Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose
DEVIL
Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the
fucking devil Irsquom not scared of
anything
Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over
each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted
under the moon they played He plays the call and she the
response For every question his nimble extremities sing to
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
12
THE FIDDLERKat Lewis
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A beaten up station wagon kicks up dirt as it drives through
the California desert It slows and pulls over at a fork in
the road
DANI STONE 16 gets out of the car Her face is pretty but
torn by worry Her eyes however shimmer with
determination She carries a violin case to the center of
the crossroad
Under the sole lamp post that illuminates the crossing she
unpacks and tunes her fiddle She brings the violin to her
neck and plays Paganinirsquos Caprice No 24
As her fingers fly up and down the fretboard wind whips
around her The light above her head grows brighter until it
bursts Glass shards rain down scintillating in the
moonbeam She stops playing
Silence blankets the desert
Suddenly Dani looks up at a giant black fiddle looming over
her LARGE RED HANDS appear next one taking the bow the
other the instrumentrsquos neck A disembodied MOUTH appears
above the violin slipped to the side in a cocky smirk
DEVIL
Are you here to challenge me
DANI
No Irsquom here to defeat you
The DEVIL lets out an amused cackle
DEVIL
Oh child That is some big talk
for a little girl like you What
business do you have with me
Before Dani can reply two RED EYES materialize above the
mouth They squint at the girl
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Well if it isnrsquot Danielle Stone
DANI
Itrsquos just Dani
The Devilrsquos grin widens
14
FADE IN
DEVIL
Irsquove been waiting for you
INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT
FLASHBACK TO
Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches
the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s
pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her
hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand
Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed
DOCTOR
Just one more push Elise Yoursquore
doing great
Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as
the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms
DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)
Itrsquos a girl
The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby
to a NURSE to be washed off
ELISE
How is she
DOCTOR
No complications so far Very
fortunate for a couple your age
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
TIME CUT TO
Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a
chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed
Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn
ELISE
Isnrsquot she precious
MATT
I canrsquot believe we did it After
all these years we finally did it
Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek
A beat of silence falls on the hospital
Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like
falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating
beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames
crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital
bed
DEVIL
Elise
Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the
bed allows Dani cries
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
You know why Irsquom here You breached
our contract
ELISE
I found a loophole With all the
lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault
you canrsquot write an airtight
contract
The Devil lets out an indignant snort
DEVIL
Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal
with me Now I break you
He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his
grin to the side
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos
name
Danielle
DEVIL
Danielle Meaning God is my judge
Satan laughs
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
How appropriate
ELISE
God damn it What do you want
DEVIL
16
Oh I donrsquot know
He looks from Elise to her daughter and back
ELISE
(reluctant)
No You gave us this You canrsquot
take our baby
DEVIL
Naked came I out of my motherrsquos
womb and naked shall I return
thither the Lord gave and the
Lord hath taken away blessed be
the name of the Lord
Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before
spitting a wad of fire onto the ground
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute
shit I donrsquot want the baby Just
your assured misery I lay a curse
on little Danielle Should you or
anyone else touch her a family
member will perish Donrsquot worry
though if you love your husband or
your mother more you can just
leave her in the crib to rot
Elise and Satan stare each other down
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The choice is yours
The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the
flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries
between them
TIME CUT TO
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about
ELISE
I think shersquos hungry What do we
do
Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives
it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her
mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile
floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly
shaking her head
MATT
Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll
take our chances
Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones
look to one another A tense silence fills the room before
they all let out a relieved sigh
Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face
MATT (CONTrsquoD)
Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone
want anything
The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt
walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a
groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles
turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt
He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his
body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks
his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes
her head
The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back
at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from
its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the
side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his
neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words
coming out a hoarse whisper
MATT
(The Devilrsquos voice)
This is only the beginning
The body falls limp
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER
Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo
Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to
18
only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the
changing table a TV is heard from the next room
Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand
into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear
zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box
for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to
the baby
TIME CUT TO
Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile
playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant
half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper
GRAMMY
Elise
ELISE (OS)
Yeah
GRAMMY
An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos
funeral came in the mail today
ELISE (OS)
Jeez How old was she
GRAMMY
24 Are we going
Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby
giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration
ELISE (OS)
Irsquoll have to--
Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist
Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in
the next room
GRAMMY
Elise
Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room
CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over
eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly
strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she
looks to the grinning baby
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER
Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo
On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a
fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos
strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler
Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a
grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she
curtsies
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - LATER
Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs
speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy
stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a
hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes
shifting around the room
A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something
snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy
pulls Dani closer
WOMAN
Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter
is just phenomenal Only five years
old and playing like that
Dani smiles before shyly speaking
DANI
Irsquom four
She holds up four fingers
WOMAN
My word Yoursquore a little Mozart
arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had
half your talent
The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and
Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years
old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an
20
untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin
like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face
shaking her head
The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile
WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)
Anyway you were fabulous today
Keep it up
Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem
to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a
congratulatory but condescending pat on the head
Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand
Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a
chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor
ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His
family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries
out a back door
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK
SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo
Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around
a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN
reports an accident at a construction site The box in the
corner displays the headline Construction Accident
17-year-old boy found dead
Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from
somewhere in the house
GRAMMY
Dani
The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a
turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered
except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off
the TV
GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)
Did you do this
Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his
family
DANI
Irsquove never seen any of those people
before
Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face
GRAMMY
Have you been wearing gloves You
know itrsquos only skin to ski--
DANI
For God sake Grammy Yes I know
what to do Itrsquos not like you let
me leave the house anyway
GRAMMY
Itrsquos for your own good
DANI
My own good I havenrsquot gone outside
in six days Irsquom going crazy In
the last month yoursquove let me out
of the house to get the mail maybe
four times I have a right to a
life you know
GRAMMY
Your mother signed away any rights
you had long ago
DANI
Maybe I should make a deal with Him
too Irsquom sure Hell is much more
bearable than here
GRAMMY
You want to leave Then go I canrsquot
look at you right now
Dani points to the TV
DANI
I didnrsquot do that
GRAMMY
Get out
Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV
22
rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door
slams Grammy flinches
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to
see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani
notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the
palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle
END FLASHBACK
RETURN TO
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the
Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips
DEVIL
You know Irsquove got your Grammy
right here Would you like to say
hi
DANI
Cut the shit Lucy
The Devil groans at the nickname
DANI (CONTrsquoD)
Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom
gonna kick your ass in this stupid
fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift
the curse
DEVIL
Or you could just let me bring you
to Hell now
DANI
And why would I agree to that
DEVIL
Hellrsquos actually not that bad And
Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom
itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes
from time to time bad things
happen to its residents like a limb
gets chopped off or they get turned
into serpents But thatrsquos life
right
Dani stares at him unconvinced
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my
neighbor Last week he went to
visit Van Gogh in the Seventh
Circle I watched his cat while he
was gone and that thing was an
angel Adorable playful God my
kid loved it Hersquos begging me for
one now
DANI
(incredulous)
You have a kid
DEVIL
Thatrsquos not the point Whether you
win or lose you end up downstairs
with me The price for freedom is
your soul So itrsquos only a matter
of time Why donrsquot we skip this
whole battle nonsense and take you
to your new home You look like a
girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna
meet Hemingway
DANI
Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose
DEVIL
Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the
fucking devil Irsquom not scared of
anything
Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over
each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted
under the moon they played He plays the call and she the
response For every question his nimble extremities sing to
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
14
FADE IN
DEVIL
Irsquove been waiting for you
INT HOSPITAL - NIGHT
FLASHBACK TO
Danirsquos mother ELISE STONE mid 40s and pregnant clenches
the hospital bedrsquos sheets Danirsquos father MATT STONE 50s
pushes greying hair out of his wifersquos face as he holds her
hand GRAMMY Danirsquos grandmother takes Elisersquos other hand
Elise screams A DOCTOR sits at the end of the bed
DOCTOR
Just one more push Elise Yoursquore
doing great
Elise shrieks one last time She lets out a heavy breath as
the Doctor stands with a crying BABY in his arms
DOCTOR (CONTrsquoD)
Itrsquos a girl
The happy parents share a smile The Doctor hands the Baby
to a NURSE to be washed off
ELISE
How is she
DOCTOR
No complications so far Very
fortunate for a couple your age
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
TIME CUT TO
Balloons fill the Stonersquos hospital room Grammy sleeps in a
chair by a window An empty crib lingers next to the bed
Matt and Elise cuddle on the bed holding their newborn
ELISE
Isnrsquot she precious
MATT
I canrsquot believe we did it After
all these years we finally did it
Guilt catches onto Elisersquos face as Matt kisses her cheek
A beat of silence falls on the hospital
Suddenly all the light fixtures burst one after another like
falling dominoes A fire swarms the walls its heat beating
beads of sweat out of Elise and her family As the flames
crackle Satanrsquos eyes and mouth appear over the hospital
bed
DEVIL
Elise
Grammy jumps awake Danirsquos parents scoot as far away as the
bed allows Dani cries
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
You know why Irsquom here You breached
our contract
ELISE
I found a loophole With all the
lawyers in Hell itrsquos not my fault
you canrsquot write an airtight
contract
The Devil lets out an indignant snort
DEVIL
Doesnrsquot matter You broke a deal
with me Now I break you
He lays his crimson gaze on the child A smirk twists his
grin to the side
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Ooo Whatrsquos the pretty baby girlrsquos
name
Danielle
DEVIL
Danielle Meaning God is my judge
Satan laughs
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
How appropriate
ELISE
God damn it What do you want
DEVIL
16
Oh I donrsquot know
He looks from Elise to her daughter and back
ELISE
(reluctant)
No You gave us this You canrsquot
take our baby
DEVIL
Naked came I out of my motherrsquos
womb and naked shall I return
thither the Lord gave and the
Lord hath taken away blessed be
the name of the Lord
Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before
spitting a wad of fire onto the ground
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute
shit I donrsquot want the baby Just
your assured misery I lay a curse
on little Danielle Should you or
anyone else touch her a family
member will perish Donrsquot worry
though if you love your husband or
your mother more you can just
leave her in the crib to rot
Elise and Satan stare each other down
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The choice is yours
The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the
flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries
between them
TIME CUT TO
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about
ELISE
I think shersquos hungry What do we
do
Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives
it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her
mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile
floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly
shaking her head
MATT
Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll
take our chances
Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones
look to one another A tense silence fills the room before
they all let out a relieved sigh
Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face
MATT (CONTrsquoD)
Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone
want anything
The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt
walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a
groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles
turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt
He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his
body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks
his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes
her head
The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back
at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from
its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the
side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his
neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words
coming out a hoarse whisper
MATT
(The Devilrsquos voice)
This is only the beginning
The body falls limp
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER
Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo
Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to
18
only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the
changing table a TV is heard from the next room
Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand
into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear
zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box
for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to
the baby
TIME CUT TO
Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile
playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant
half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper
GRAMMY
Elise
ELISE (OS)
Yeah
GRAMMY
An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos
funeral came in the mail today
ELISE (OS)
Jeez How old was she
GRAMMY
24 Are we going
Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby
giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration
ELISE (OS)
Irsquoll have to--
Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist
Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in
the next room
GRAMMY
Elise
Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room
CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over
eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly
strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she
looks to the grinning baby
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER
Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo
On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a
fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos
strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler
Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a
grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she
curtsies
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - LATER
Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs
speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy
stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a
hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes
shifting around the room
A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something
snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy
pulls Dani closer
WOMAN
Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter
is just phenomenal Only five years
old and playing like that
Dani smiles before shyly speaking
DANI
Irsquom four
She holds up four fingers
WOMAN
My word Yoursquore a little Mozart
arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had
half your talent
The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and
Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years
old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an
20
untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin
like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face
shaking her head
The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile
WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)
Anyway you were fabulous today
Keep it up
Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem
to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a
congratulatory but condescending pat on the head
Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand
Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a
chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor
ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His
family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries
out a back door
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK
SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo
Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around
a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN
reports an accident at a construction site The box in the
corner displays the headline Construction Accident
17-year-old boy found dead
Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from
somewhere in the house
GRAMMY
Dani
The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a
turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered
except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off
the TV
GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)
Did you do this
Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his
family
DANI
Irsquove never seen any of those people
before
Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face
GRAMMY
Have you been wearing gloves You
know itrsquos only skin to ski--
DANI
For God sake Grammy Yes I know
what to do Itrsquos not like you let
me leave the house anyway
GRAMMY
Itrsquos for your own good
DANI
My own good I havenrsquot gone outside
in six days Irsquom going crazy In
the last month yoursquove let me out
of the house to get the mail maybe
four times I have a right to a
life you know
GRAMMY
Your mother signed away any rights
you had long ago
DANI
Maybe I should make a deal with Him
too Irsquom sure Hell is much more
bearable than here
GRAMMY
You want to leave Then go I canrsquot
look at you right now
Dani points to the TV
DANI
I didnrsquot do that
GRAMMY
Get out
Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV
22
rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door
slams Grammy flinches
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to
see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani
notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the
palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle
END FLASHBACK
RETURN TO
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the
Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips
DEVIL
You know Irsquove got your Grammy
right here Would you like to say
hi
DANI
Cut the shit Lucy
The Devil groans at the nickname
DANI (CONTrsquoD)
Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom
gonna kick your ass in this stupid
fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift
the curse
DEVIL
Or you could just let me bring you
to Hell now
DANI
And why would I agree to that
DEVIL
Hellrsquos actually not that bad And
Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom
itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes
from time to time bad things
happen to its residents like a limb
gets chopped off or they get turned
into serpents But thatrsquos life
right
Dani stares at him unconvinced
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my
neighbor Last week he went to
visit Van Gogh in the Seventh
Circle I watched his cat while he
was gone and that thing was an
angel Adorable playful God my
kid loved it Hersquos begging me for
one now
DANI
(incredulous)
You have a kid
DEVIL
Thatrsquos not the point Whether you
win or lose you end up downstairs
with me The price for freedom is
your soul So itrsquos only a matter
of time Why donrsquot we skip this
whole battle nonsense and take you
to your new home You look like a
girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna
meet Hemingway
DANI
Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose
DEVIL
Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the
fucking devil Irsquom not scared of
anything
Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over
each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted
under the moon they played He plays the call and she the
response For every question his nimble extremities sing to
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
16
Oh I donrsquot know
He looks from Elise to her daughter and back
ELISE
(reluctant)
No You gave us this You canrsquot
take our baby
DEVIL
Naked came I out of my motherrsquos
womb and naked shall I return
thither the Lord gave and the
Lord hath taken away blessed be
the name of the Lord
Fear grows on the Stonersquos faces The Devil smiles before
spitting a wad of fire onto the ground
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The Lordrsquos full of shit Absolute
shit I donrsquot want the baby Just
your assured misery I lay a curse
on little Danielle Should you or
anyone else touch her a family
member will perish Donrsquot worry
though if you love your husband or
your mother more you can just
leave her in the crib to rot
Elise and Satan stare each other down
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
The choice is yours
The Devilrsquos voice haunts the air in an echo as he and the
flames vanish Matt and Elise exchange a glance Dani cries
between them
TIME CUT TO
INT HOSPITAL - LATER
Dani cries in the crib with balled up fists flailing about
ELISE
I think shersquos hungry What do we
do
Elise gives Matt a worried look He takes her hand and gives
it a gentle squeeze Elisersquos eyes shifts to Grammy Her
mother sits in the chair with her gaze locked on the tile
floor Grammy draws her arms tight across her chest slowly
shaking her head
MATT
Shersquos all wersquove ever wanted Wersquoll
take our chances
Elise nods and picks up Dani to breastfeed her The Stones
look to one another A tense silence fills the room before
they all let out a relieved sigh
Matt stands up with a small smile claiming his face
MATT (CONTrsquoD)
Irsquom going to the cafeteria Anyone
want anything
The girls shake their heads settling into their seats Matt
walks to the door He reaches for the door knob before a
groan escapes his mouth His hand seizes his chest knuckles
turning white as he clutches his heart through his shirt
He collapses trembling a moment before stillness claims his
body Elise screams as Grammy rushes to his side She checks
his pulse Elise and her mother share a gaze Grammy shakes
her head
The two look at the body as Mattrsquos lifeless eyes stare back
at them Suddenly the body jolts unnaturally rising up from
its chest He sits before them his head hanging to the
side A lurid red glow fills his eyes Veins pop out of his
neck as his limp jaw is forced to move He speaks the words
coming out a hoarse whisper
MATT
(The Devilrsquos voice)
This is only the beginning
The body falls limp
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - BABY ROOM - DAY - SIX MONTHS LATER
Super ldquoSix months laterrdquo
Grammy carries Dani into the baby room She is careful to
18
only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the
changing table a TV is heard from the next room
Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand
into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear
zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box
for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to
the baby
TIME CUT TO
Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile
playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant
half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper
GRAMMY
Elise
ELISE (OS)
Yeah
GRAMMY
An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos
funeral came in the mail today
ELISE (OS)
Jeez How old was she
GRAMMY
24 Are we going
Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby
giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration
ELISE (OS)
Irsquoll have to--
Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist
Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in
the next room
GRAMMY
Elise
Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room
CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over
eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly
strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she
looks to the grinning baby
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER
Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo
On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a
fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos
strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler
Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a
grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she
curtsies
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - LATER
Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs
speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy
stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a
hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes
shifting around the room
A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something
snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy
pulls Dani closer
WOMAN
Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter
is just phenomenal Only five years
old and playing like that
Dani smiles before shyly speaking
DANI
Irsquom four
She holds up four fingers
WOMAN
My word Yoursquore a little Mozart
arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had
half your talent
The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and
Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years
old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an
20
untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin
like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face
shaking her head
The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile
WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)
Anyway you were fabulous today
Keep it up
Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem
to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a
congratulatory but condescending pat on the head
Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand
Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a
chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor
ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His
family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries
out a back door
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK
SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo
Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around
a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN
reports an accident at a construction site The box in the
corner displays the headline Construction Accident
17-year-old boy found dead
Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from
somewhere in the house
GRAMMY
Dani
The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a
turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered
except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off
the TV
GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)
Did you do this
Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his
family
DANI
Irsquove never seen any of those people
before
Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face
GRAMMY
Have you been wearing gloves You
know itrsquos only skin to ski--
DANI
For God sake Grammy Yes I know
what to do Itrsquos not like you let
me leave the house anyway
GRAMMY
Itrsquos for your own good
DANI
My own good I havenrsquot gone outside
in six days Irsquom going crazy In
the last month yoursquove let me out
of the house to get the mail maybe
four times I have a right to a
life you know
GRAMMY
Your mother signed away any rights
you had long ago
DANI
Maybe I should make a deal with Him
too Irsquom sure Hell is much more
bearable than here
GRAMMY
You want to leave Then go I canrsquot
look at you right now
Dani points to the TV
DANI
I didnrsquot do that
GRAMMY
Get out
Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV
22
rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door
slams Grammy flinches
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to
see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani
notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the
palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle
END FLASHBACK
RETURN TO
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the
Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips
DEVIL
You know Irsquove got your Grammy
right here Would you like to say
hi
DANI
Cut the shit Lucy
The Devil groans at the nickname
DANI (CONTrsquoD)
Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom
gonna kick your ass in this stupid
fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift
the curse
DEVIL
Or you could just let me bring you
to Hell now
DANI
And why would I agree to that
DEVIL
Hellrsquos actually not that bad And
Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom
itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes
from time to time bad things
happen to its residents like a limb
gets chopped off or they get turned
into serpents But thatrsquos life
right
Dani stares at him unconvinced
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my
neighbor Last week he went to
visit Van Gogh in the Seventh
Circle I watched his cat while he
was gone and that thing was an
angel Adorable playful God my
kid loved it Hersquos begging me for
one now
DANI
(incredulous)
You have a kid
DEVIL
Thatrsquos not the point Whether you
win or lose you end up downstairs
with me The price for freedom is
your soul So itrsquos only a matter
of time Why donrsquot we skip this
whole battle nonsense and take you
to your new home You look like a
girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna
meet Hemingway
DANI
Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose
DEVIL
Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the
fucking devil Irsquom not scared of
anything
Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over
each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted
under the moon they played He plays the call and she the
response For every question his nimble extremities sing to
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
18
only touch childrsquos clothes As she places Dani on the
changing table a TV is heard from the next room
Grammy grabs a box of blue latex gloves She slips a hand
into a glove As she pulls it down the latex rips A tear
zigzags from her wrist up to her palm She looks in the box
for a fresh pair only to find it empty Her eyes turn to
the baby
TIME CUT TO
Dani goos and gahs at her grandmother with a sweet smile
playing on her face Grammy replies with a reluctant
half-grin and starts to change Danirsquos diaper
GRAMMY
Elise
ELISE (OS)
Yeah
GRAMMY
An invitation for cousin Ninarsquos
funeral came in the mail today
ELISE (OS)
Jeez How old was she
GRAMMY
24 Are we going
Grammy fights with Dani to put on the fresh diaper The baby
giggles at the old womanrsquos frustration
ELISE (OS)
Irsquoll have to--
Dani kicks - her tiny foot just grazing Grammyrsquos wrist
Horror sinks onto her face Something drops to the floor in
the next room
GRAMMY
Elise
Grammy finishes up with Dani and takes her out of the room
CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Grammy stands in the doorway staring ahead with glazed over
eyes Elise lays on the floor her arms and legs awkwardly
strewn about her A grimace stains Grammyrsquos face as she
looks to the grinning baby
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - DAY - 4 YEARS LATER
Super ldquoFour Years Laterrdquo
On stage four-year-old Dani stands alone outfitted in a
fancy velvet dress Her bitty fingers tango with a violinrsquos
strings as she plays an advanced piece for a preschooler
Her song rolls into its final measures She finishes with a
grand flourish of her bow The AUDIENCE claps and she
curtsies
TIME CUT TO
INT RECITAL HALL - LATER
Dani and Grammy linger by the refreshment table Dark crumbs
speckle Danirsquos mouth as she chows down on a brownie Grammy
stands too close to her granddaughter guarding her like a
hawk She sips water from a plastic cup her paranoid eyes
shifting around the room
A WOMAN in her 60s saunters over to them Therersquos something
snooty about her clothes and the manner of her walk Grammy
pulls Dani closer
WOMAN
Oh Marilyn Yoursquore granddaughter
is just phenomenal Only five years
old and playing like that
Dani smiles before shyly speaking
DANI
Irsquom four
She holds up four fingers
WOMAN
My word Yoursquore a little Mozart
arenrsquot you I wish my grandson had
half your talent
The Woman glances down a row of folding chairs Grammy and
Dani follow her line of sight to a BOY about eight years
old He stands by his MOTHER in wrinkled slacks and an
20
untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin
like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face
shaking her head
The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile
WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)
Anyway you were fabulous today
Keep it up
Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem
to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a
congratulatory but condescending pat on the head
Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand
Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a
chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor
ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His
family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries
out a back door
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK
SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo
Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around
a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN
reports an accident at a construction site The box in the
corner displays the headline Construction Accident
17-year-old boy found dead
Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from
somewhere in the house
GRAMMY
Dani
The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a
turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered
except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off
the TV
GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)
Did you do this
Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his
family
DANI
Irsquove never seen any of those people
before
Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face
GRAMMY
Have you been wearing gloves You
know itrsquos only skin to ski--
DANI
For God sake Grammy Yes I know
what to do Itrsquos not like you let
me leave the house anyway
GRAMMY
Itrsquos for your own good
DANI
My own good I havenrsquot gone outside
in six days Irsquom going crazy In
the last month yoursquove let me out
of the house to get the mail maybe
four times I have a right to a
life you know
GRAMMY
Your mother signed away any rights
you had long ago
DANI
Maybe I should make a deal with Him
too Irsquom sure Hell is much more
bearable than here
GRAMMY
You want to leave Then go I canrsquot
look at you right now
Dani points to the TV
DANI
I didnrsquot do that
GRAMMY
Get out
Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV
22
rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door
slams Grammy flinches
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to
see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani
notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the
palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle
END FLASHBACK
RETURN TO
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the
Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips
DEVIL
You know Irsquove got your Grammy
right here Would you like to say
hi
DANI
Cut the shit Lucy
The Devil groans at the nickname
DANI (CONTrsquoD)
Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom
gonna kick your ass in this stupid
fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift
the curse
DEVIL
Or you could just let me bring you
to Hell now
DANI
And why would I agree to that
DEVIL
Hellrsquos actually not that bad And
Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom
itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes
from time to time bad things
happen to its residents like a limb
gets chopped off or they get turned
into serpents But thatrsquos life
right
Dani stares at him unconvinced
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my
neighbor Last week he went to
visit Van Gogh in the Seventh
Circle I watched his cat while he
was gone and that thing was an
angel Adorable playful God my
kid loved it Hersquos begging me for
one now
DANI
(incredulous)
You have a kid
DEVIL
Thatrsquos not the point Whether you
win or lose you end up downstairs
with me The price for freedom is
your soul So itrsquos only a matter
of time Why donrsquot we skip this
whole battle nonsense and take you
to your new home You look like a
girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna
meet Hemingway
DANI
Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose
DEVIL
Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the
fucking devil Irsquom not scared of
anything
Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over
each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted
under the moon they played He plays the call and she the
response For every question his nimble extremities sing to
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
20
untucked button down He headbangs and shreds on his violin
like a guitar His Mother drags a hand down her face
shaking her head
The Woman sighs and gives the Stones one last smile
WOMAN (CONTrsquoD)
Anyway you were fabulous today
Keep it up
Grammy watches the Woman with a cautious gaze Things seem
to move in slow motion as she reaches out and gives Dani a
congratulatory but condescending pat on the head
Grammy flinches crushing the plastic cup in her hand
Behind the Woman the Boy drops to the ground taking a
chair down with him His violin thumps against the floor
ringing out mismatched notes Gasps hang in the air His
family rushes to his side Grammy picks up Dani and hurries
out a back door
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - LAST WEEK
SUPER ldquoLast Weekrdquo
Grammy stands in front of the TV with a rosary snaked around
a hand covering her mouth On the screen an ANCHOR WOMAN
reports an accident at a construction site The box in the
corner displays the headline Construction Accident
17-year-old boy found dead
Under the Anchor Womanrsquos words a violin sings from
somewhere in the house
GRAMMY
Dani
The violin stops Dani now 16 enters the room wearing a
turtle neck and jeans Every inch of her body is covered
except her face and hands Grammy doesnrsquot take her eyes off
the TV
GRAMMY (CONTrsquoD)
Did you do this
Dani looks at the screen seeing photos of the boy and his
family
DANI
Irsquove never seen any of those people
before
Something hysterical grows on Grammyrsquos face
GRAMMY
Have you been wearing gloves You
know itrsquos only skin to ski--
DANI
For God sake Grammy Yes I know
what to do Itrsquos not like you let
me leave the house anyway
GRAMMY
Itrsquos for your own good
DANI
My own good I havenrsquot gone outside
in six days Irsquom going crazy In
the last month yoursquove let me out
of the house to get the mail maybe
four times I have a right to a
life you know
GRAMMY
Your mother signed away any rights
you had long ago
DANI
Maybe I should make a deal with Him
too Irsquom sure Hell is much more
bearable than here
GRAMMY
You want to leave Then go I canrsquot
look at you right now
Dani points to the TV
DANI
I didnrsquot do that
GRAMMY
Get out
Dani storms out of the house Grammy stares at the TV
22
rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door
slams Grammy flinches
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to
see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani
notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the
palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle
END FLASHBACK
RETURN TO
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the
Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips
DEVIL
You know Irsquove got your Grammy
right here Would you like to say
hi
DANI
Cut the shit Lucy
The Devil groans at the nickname
DANI (CONTrsquoD)
Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom
gonna kick your ass in this stupid
fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift
the curse
DEVIL
Or you could just let me bring you
to Hell now
DANI
And why would I agree to that
DEVIL
Hellrsquos actually not that bad And
Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom
itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes
from time to time bad things
happen to its residents like a limb
gets chopped off or they get turned
into serpents But thatrsquos life
right
Dani stares at him unconvinced
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my
neighbor Last week he went to
visit Van Gogh in the Seventh
Circle I watched his cat while he
was gone and that thing was an
angel Adorable playful God my
kid loved it Hersquos begging me for
one now
DANI
(incredulous)
You have a kid
DEVIL
Thatrsquos not the point Whether you
win or lose you end up downstairs
with me The price for freedom is
your soul So itrsquos only a matter
of time Why donrsquot we skip this
whole battle nonsense and take you
to your new home You look like a
girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna
meet Hemingway
DANI
Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose
DEVIL
Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the
fucking devil Irsquom not scared of
anything
Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over
each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted
under the moon they played He plays the call and she the
response For every question his nimble extremities sing to
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
22
rolling the rosaryrsquos beads in her hand The front door
slams Grammy flinches
TIME CUT TO
INT DANIrsquoS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dani returns home She walks into the dark living room to
see Grammy sleeping on the couch As she steps closer Dani
notices the rosary still snared around her hand Also in the
palm of that hand rests an empty pill bottle
END FLASHBACK
RETURN TO
EXT CROSSROADS IN DESERT - NIGHT
A breeze sends some dust tumbling between Dani and the
Devil Satan laughs the same smile playing on his lips
DEVIL
You know Irsquove got your Grammy
right here Would you like to say
hi
DANI
Cut the shit Lucy
The Devil groans at the nickname
DANI (CONTrsquoD)
Herersquos whatrsquos gonna happen Irsquom
gonna kick your ass in this stupid
fiddle-off and yoursquore going to lift
the curse
DEVIL
Or you could just let me bring you
to Hell now
DANI
And why would I agree to that
DEVIL
Hellrsquos actually not that bad And
Irsquom not just saying it because Irsquom
itrsquos overlord or whatever Yes
from time to time bad things
happen to its residents like a limb
gets chopped off or they get turned
into serpents But thatrsquos life
right
Dani stares at him unconvinced
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Okay for instance Hemingwayrsquos my
neighbor Last week he went to
visit Van Gogh in the Seventh
Circle I watched his cat while he
was gone and that thing was an
angel Adorable playful God my
kid loved it Hersquos begging me for
one now
DANI
(incredulous)
You have a kid
DEVIL
Thatrsquos not the point Whether you
win or lose you end up downstairs
with me The price for freedom is
your soul So itrsquos only a matter
of time Why donrsquot we skip this
whole battle nonsense and take you
to your new home You look like a
girl who reads Donrsquot you wanna
meet Hemingway
DANI
Yoursquore scared yoursquore gonna lose
DEVIL
Donrsquot be ridiculous Irsquom the
fucking devil Irsquom not scared of
anything
Dani brings her violin to her neck and runs her bow over
each of her strings The devil does the same Spotlighted
under the moon they played He plays the call and she the
response For every question his nimble extremities sing to
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
24
her she answers with a well-timed waltz of her own fingers
and strings
Their bows quickly grow fray horse hair sloshing about in a
gust of wind that stirs the desert Their song gets louder
lulling life into nearby coyotes As the dogs howl in the
distance the fiddlesrsquo tune moves from piano to forte until
Plink
A string pops
Panic scribbles its way onto Danirsquos face but she keeps
playing Her eyes shift to the Devil Pieces of string
dangle from either side of his instrument but that doesnrsquot
stop him
They play on their notes getting darker Angrier Another
one of his strings breaks Satan growls playing faster So
fast that the last strings spark and glow red
Danirsquos fingers continue to dance occasionally rocking and
adding vibrato to notes The Devil grinds his teeth Another
string snaps and sends sparks flying He plays fast and
short notes on his last string before it too finally breaks
The fiddle catches fire and the Devil slams it on the
ground The instrument burns a moment before leaving a
hissing pile of ash between Dani and the Devil
Satan curses He sucks in a deep breath and scraps together
some composure
DEVIL
God I hate to lose Okay Irsquoll
lift the curse Feel free to touch
and hug and love whomever yoursquod
like But donrsquot love too much On
June 6th at 606 Irsquoll be coming
for you
His hands gesture almost as if theyrsquore reaching into a
pocket They pull out a contract penned on parchment The
Devil holds out a hand to Dani
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
Do we have a deal
She takes his hand but he doesnrsquot shake hers Satan produces
a knife from the air and slices Danirsquos palm As beads of
blood seep over the edge of the cut the Devil shakes her
hand Danirsquos signature ornately scrawls itself across the
contractrsquos dotted line
DEVIL (CONTrsquoD)
(whispering)
See you soon
His whisper stands stiff in the air before a ghostly laugh
whisks it away The Devil disappears
The contract hangs in the air a moment before dancing down
to Danirsquos feet Blood dribbles down her hand and drips to
the dusty ground She stares at the date written in black
calligraphy
June 6th at 606
FADE OUT
THE END
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
26
scientists have determined thatcells(like everything else)cannot live forever
they find that one day they are stretcheda little too thinand cannot divide themselvesinto any more piecesso they eat themselvesfrom the insideout
I wonder if people can also performapoptosis as they watchthe cyanide act as a lysosome does eating itselffrom the insides of the bloodstream
I could never understandwhy humans attach meaning to everything
maybe we just get too old too quicklywatching the trees undress themselvesoverand overagain
until one day we reachsenescenceand thuswe peter outand die
Jennifer Baik
SENESCENCEStock photo courtesy of gerard79 at sxchu
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
28
I felt useless just sitting there holding your
hand After years of doing everything I could to make
you happy the only thing that was left was for me to
just be there watching you struggle to breathe You
no longer looked like you Not really Your eyes were
swollen kind of like mine from all the crying The
difference was that your tears were now a desperate
plea for someone to explain to you why this was
happening Your neck was so burned They warned us
when you started radiation after your surgery that it
might hurt your skin This was beyond hurt It looked
as if they had taken apart your neck and replaced it
with pieces of burnt flesh What hurt the most as I
sat there looking at you was knowing that the little
bumps on your legs arms chest and head were the
ones taking you from me
The nurse said that the best thing I could do
was distract you Apparently memories help patients
forget the agony theyrsquore in It was as if I could separate
your mind from your body with my words If only you
could do that to me too that way my throat wouldnrsquot
have closed up every time I tried to talk to you
In that last week of January I had known that
it was time You called me a few days before telling
me you could barely breathe and I had to rush over
to help you Your breathing got worse each day You
Laura Grau
I KNOW
Stock image courtesy of Danka P at sxchu
couldnrsquot get up anymore I had to pick you up and
carry you even to the bathroom At first when the
cancer spread to your legs I had carried you on my
back everywhere we went It was fun though Irsquod
make you laugh as I jumped down each stair to the
lobby of the hospital Your laugh was what kept me
going everyday It would come out of your stomach
as you giggled and your eyes would close just a little
because your cheeks would go up so much when
you smiled People always looked at us Maybe they
wondered why an eighteen year old like me was
laughing so much with an eleven year old in the
hospital Age didnrsquot matter All that mattered was
that we were together two warriors fighting your
cancer
Now it was time for me to be strong for you
One of my friends told me as I cried in the bathroom
of my school one day that I had always been the
one to tell you to keep fighting I always used to say
ldquoYou are my warriorrdquo Maybe that was why you kept
fighting this It was as if you just didnrsquot want to go
My friend said that maybe if I was the one to tell you
that it was ok to stop fighting yoursquod listen I just could
not bring myself to give you permission to go when
I myself wasnrsquot ready to lose you
ldquoHey Sandy Do you remember that time we
went to butterfly worldrdquo
You opened your eyes and nodded You had
been in remission and your hair was growing back
It had made me so happy to see you chasing after all
the butterflies You found a white one on the ground
It had a broken wing and couldnrsquot fly You grabbed
it and held it for a while Even butterflies felt the life
you transmitted with your touch The butterfly flew
away My angel you fixed her
Sitting next to you took all my energy so I took
the spot I had always taken on your bed I moved
underneath the tubes with the oxygen and cuddled
right next to you I could see that on your hand
was the bracelet that matched mine You had gone
shopping on one of those Make-A- Wish trips and
one day when we were waiting for your appointment
in radiation you pulled out half a heart that said ldquoBig
Sisterrdquo You had the other half ldquoLittle Sisterrdquo I never
took it off I wore it every day hoping that this little
piece of metal would keep you with me It always
reminded me of all the things people thought we
were One time when we went to Chuck-E- Cheese a
little girl with beautiful blue eyes had come up to me
as you played in the arcade She said ldquoYour daughter
is beautifulrdquo I still donrsquot think I look old enough to
be a mom but I know in my heart that you were my
daughter My friends knew you were my best friend
After all I would ditch them on Friday and Saturday
nights to go visit you in the hospital Thinking back
I wouldnrsquot exactly say that you were my friend my
daughter or my sister You and I extended beyond
anything this world has ever seen Itrsquos like we were
soul mates
Now my soul mate was suffering struggling to
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
30
stay here with me ldquoYou canrsquot let the love hide in the
darknessrdquo you had said to me a few months before
We were hanging out on your hospital bed singing
Nikki Minaj and eating sushi I was telling you about
some boy I liked and you were telling me about the
boy you loved His name was Christian Your mom
used to babysit him so yoursquod always be with him You
told me that one day you told him you loved him You
even kissed It was a secret though and I laughed at
the idea that you had a better love life than me even
if you were seven years younger Maybe itrsquos because
cancer is a disease that makes people erase those
limits Maybe thatrsquos why your love was so strong
your friendship so powerful and your will to live so
invincible You canrsquot let the love hide in the darkness
Thatrsquos what cancer taught us
My time to prove it to you was running out I
couldnrsquot let you go without you knowing how much
I loved you Memories flooded my mind and soon
there werenrsquot enough words to tell you our story
They say life flashes before your eyes when yoursquore
about to die You and I were reliving our moments
together You nodded every time I brought to the
light a memory Before going to the movies dancing
at concerts and baking in my kitchen had been ways
to encourage you to keep going Now these things
were becoming the strongest morphine I could see
your face relax as I continued telling you our story I
could see the pain go away My pain only increased I
thought back to the day I met you It was at the Pizza
Party the Pre-Med club of my school hosted One
hundred student volunteers thirty patients and I
found you Standing before a crowd in your purple
hat you told jokes We were the ones that were
supposed to make you happy but you just stood
there pulling me towards you with your wonderful
smile After that day I could never stay away When I
ran out of words to say I realized you were spending
more time unconscious than conscious now You
hadnrsquot responded to my words for a few minutes and
I was so scared that yoursquod go without knowing You
had to know so I sang like the many times we sang
together in my car I sang our song ldquoNext to Yourdquo by
Chris Brown
ldquoYou got that smile That only heaven can
make I pray to God everyday That you keep that
smilerdquo
You hummed You hummed along as my lips
pronounced the lyrics You came back
ldquo One day when the sky is falling Irsquoll be standing
right next to yourdquo
I knew then that my friend had been right You
were going to keep fighting You always had plans
You couldnrsquot go without making sure your family
would be ok You wouldnrsquot leave me here unless
you were sure that Irsquod do all the things we had plan
You wouldnrsquot leave unless you were sure I caressed
your arm for hours growing weaker You had been
strong for six years in your battle against cancer and
I perfectly healthy felt weak when I had to pretend
to be strong for you I couldnrsquot bare to see you suffer
like this anymore My hands shook and I cried I
cried by your bedside while your family stepped out
of the room They knew this good bye would never
be easy I wept for you I wept for the warrior who
fought so hard I wept for the angel whose wings
were spreading I wept
ldquoSandykinsrdquo
You didnrsquot answer ldquoSandykins baby wake uprdquo
You opened your eyes
ldquoSandy itrsquos ok to stop fighting now Yoursquove
fought so hard I am so proud of you Irsquoll take care of
your family here ok Your sister is going to be ok and
so is your mommy I promiserdquo
You closed your eyes
ldquoSandy Irsquom going to go now I want you to close
your eyes and have the sweetest of
dreams Promise me yoursquoll have sweet dreamsrdquo You
nodded
I kissed your forehead and I walked towards
the door I needed to let you go ldquoI love you Sandyrdquo
ldquoI knowrdquo
Itrsquos been months since the day you died I still
remember getting the phone call an hour
after I left your room The nurse said that it takes
around an hour for the body to shut down in cases like
yours When she told me that she didnrsquot understand
why I smiled I knew you would listen You always had
At your funeral your family told me that you
called out my name with your last breath Your mom
still asks me every time I visit her why I think you were
calling for me At first I didnrsquot know why We had
promised to always be next to each other but I could
not believe that my name was the last thing you said
Now I understand When you promised me to have
sweet dreams you knew I was talking about heaven
You knew and thatrsquos why you were calling for me You
were calling me to tell me that that was exactly what
you were about to do just like you always yelled my
name when you were going to show me something
extraordinary
Itrsquos hard to miss you so much Some days I lay
down outside in the middle of the night and look at
the stars I relive the moment when I prayed for the
first time in my life We were in the Black Eyed Peas
concert Everyone had taken out their cell phones
and the stadium looked like a starry night You were
so concentrated on the music on stage that it took
you a while to realize what was happening Your arms
were wrapped around my neck as I held you up so
you could see the stage I felt you gasp when you
turned and saw all the lights I could feel this magic
going through your body as if there was nothing in
the world you wanted more than to stay there forever
I looked up at the sky that night and I begged God to
let me stay there right next to you
I know
Thatrsquos all that matters
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
32
FOLLIESEvelyn Ho
Stock photo courtesy of leovdworp at sxchu
null
32015402
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
34
Dear God
Irsquove often heard it said God canrsquot exist no God would watch as countless children starve
would hearing women pray for peace resist
No God would build a world so rough then carve soft humans who will harden with their sins
What perfect God would draw imperfect man who steals and plunders rapes and murders kin
and then to Hell have him forever damned They thus conclude no perfect being drew in permanence the men who on Earth trod
for to repair Hersquod have to start anew Yes Irsquod agree there is no perfect God
But I know my first man to paper fixed was just a circle and five crooked sticks
Sincerely Another Imperfect Being
Diana Chen
As I stand at the edge of songI stare with unbelieverrsquos eyesAt the beauty of silence
For silence has been my only friend in these times of troubleWhen my heartrsquos shown up at my doorstepBeaten and bloodyCrying for forgivenessIn a drunken stupor
Irsquove only found comfort in the solitudeOf a blind eye towards the furyTowards the fervency of revelation
But what is a blind eyeTo the persistence of the mindrsquos eye
It wanders aimlesslyUntil I meet you in Paris under lightsIn London on a rainy nightBut never far from home
Always closer than the last time
But never as closeAs the meetings of my eyelidsAnd the reassurance of the light that finds its wayInto the tumbling darkness
And if your love were even just fleetingItrsquod be rose petals in the windWith mine weeds deep-rooted in hopesOnly found in the imaginationOf someone who wants To believe
My soul has found no directionBut in the one of your walkingAway
UNBELIEVERJohn Sweeney
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
36
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS
Laura Grau
When Daddy wakes me up I ask again if Ma-marsquos back from her tripmdashDaddy had said there was an accident with her car but wersquod see her soon Irsquove been learning to do things properly for myself so Mama can see what a grown-up girl I am now
Yoursquove done so well wersquore going to see her now he says so how about we put on the black dress with the nice lace trim
Daddyrsquos already wetted and put toothpaste on my toothbrush I start brushing and walk back out so Daddy can make sure Irsquom not swallowing any toothpaste Mama brushes with me in the morning but Daddyrsquos making my bed right now He doesnrsquot fold the blanket down like Mama does Still I hug him after I spit and rinse
Can you dress yourself Daddy asks
I nod and Daddy takes the dress down from the hanger in my closet and lays it on my bed before walking out Looking at the shimmering velvet I re-
member that Mama usually helps me into my good dresses since she says I shouldnrsquot struggle and ruin them by accident I want to tell Daddy but remember how his fingers pinched and pulled at my hair braid-ing it last night Itrsquos not his fault theyrsquore just little acci-dents But I donrsquot want any accidents Then I couldnrsquot look my best for Mama And I want Mama to know Irsquove been doing what Daddyrsquos been saying these past few days so she can come home
Irsquoll just go real slow Shrugging one then the other shoulder into the dress works to get my arms in the right holes I lift my arms carefully but still they get tangled in the dress as I pull it over my head May-be I should start over I try to bend my arms so I can push the dress back up off of me but I feel the dress stretching Itrsquos not supposed to stretch and I hear a small snap of a thread I freeze stuck in the darkness of the thick fabric my hands bound above my head
Tears well up in my eyes What does it mat-ter now The fabric could fall perfectly down on me
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
38
now but somewhere in this dress is a torn thread a slowly stretching seam I cry I could see Mama and she could be so proud of me but sooner or later the broken thread would unravel Eventually you could poke a pinky and then a pointer through a growing hole and scratch my skin It was just an accident Why should it matter
But it doesnrsquot matter whether or not it was an accident because what matters is that itrsquos happened Thatrsquos something Mamarsquod say All you can do is fix it
Now look what a knot yoursquove worked yourself into Mama would say as shersquod slide the dress around until it could slide down onto me I try a wiggle and find I can twist a bit without tugging at the dressrsquo seams Another twist faster this time and another snap sounds Slow and steady wins the race Mama always says to remind me to have patience I grit my teeth and slowly slither to and fro in the fabric One last shift of the dress allows it to slip down Then I pretend Irsquom Mama tugging the dress down from the
skirt and using my hands to smooth the velvety top and sleeves Finally the dress lays smoothly on me without any wrinkles
I walk down the hallway on tiptoe like Mama when she wears her Sunday shoes Daddyrsquos sitting on their bed One big hand covers his eyes and the oth-er is tangled in his dark messy hair Hersquos still wearing the same grey shirt from yesterday and the day be-fore that and itrsquos all wrinkly Mama would tell him so
Arenrsquot you going to change Daddy Wersquove got to look our best so Mama can see
His eyes are all red when he looks up You look just like your mama he whispers
Are you all right Daddy Wersquore going to see Mama soon
He smiles a wet smile and tells me hersquoll get cleaned up
-
We see Mama sleeping like Snow White in a one person bed-in-a-box Her light skin is white as snow and instead of her bedtime braid her warm brown gold-streaked hair lies in long waves Usually she rocks me to sleep in our jammies but now shersquos sleeping in her best blue gown her hands resting still on her belly I think itrsquos because shersquos sleeping in church I ask Daddy if hersquos going to kiss her like the prince did Snow White He says Mama needs a spe-cial rest and we canrsquot wake her up
-
That night Daddy comes into my room after bedtime He climbs into my bed and hugs me real tight But he isnrsquot doing it right Mama always gen-tly sways and softly sings our lullaby I guess Daddy doesnrsquot know because he just breathes really loud and uneven shaking us
Daddy can you sing me the lullaby the way Mama does
But Daddy just shakes harder burying his head in the back of my neck
Irsquom sorry Daddy donrsquot cry Irsquoll sing it for you Mamarsquoll see we can do bedtime on our own too
I try to rock us as I sing but Daddyrsquos too big so I just rock in his arms
Rock-a-bye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
and down will come Ashley cradle and all
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
40
Her eyes reflected the glass of white wine ldquoCome on Maria You know I donrsquot have time for thatrdquo
ldquoMariarsquos right Emmsrdquo Mitch said stabbing the stray pasta on his plate ldquoYou need to get out there How long have you been single Three years now And Irsquom not even going to count Jasonrdquo ldquoMitch I was very emotionally unstable when that wonderful enlightening perfect healthy relationship endedrdquo Emma said pretending to hide a grin She looked dramatically at the wall behind Maria ldquo I donrsquot think Irsquoll ever really get over my dear dear Jasonrdquo
Mitch snorted into his empty plateldquoShersquos hopelessrdquo Maria said to Mitch setting her fork on her plate
ldquoNothing we ever say is going to get into that girlrsquos brainrdquoldquoMaria I am a woman now and must be referred to as suchrdquo she said
finishing her wineldquoYoursquore worse than you were in collgerdquo Maria saidldquoAm notrdquoldquoShersquos right Emms just accept itrdquo Mitch saidEmma stuck her tongue out at him and continued bickering with Maria
She had tied her dark waves into a stiff ponytail she had told him it made her look more serious when he teased her about it on their way to dinner
ldquoMy hair makes people want to pat my head and tell me to go play in a cornerrdquo Emma had said
So the hair had stayed The only things betraying her personality were her constantly amused dark blue eyesmdashotherwise she looked like every other young no-nonsense lawyer clawing her way to the top
ldquoEmms I donrsquot like the hairrdquo Mitch said after they had waved goodbye at Mariarsquos car window and began weaving their way down to 37th street
ldquoWhy is it bothering you so muchrdquo she asked There The eyes were amused again Hurt too though
SOFARuth Portes
ldquoI mean you look great butmdashOh never mindrdquo he fell silent
ldquoYou doing alrightrdquoHe nodded ldquoWorried about my mom is allrdquo She squeezed his arm for a moment ldquoShersquoll be
alrightrdquo He never noticed how nice her voice sounded when she was concerned
ldquoBut not if she has another attackrdquoldquoThe doctors know what theyrsquore doingrdquoldquoShe misses himrdquo he said stopping in front of
her building ldquoHe was a better father than mine will ever berdquo
ldquoHe wasrdquo she said ldquoEvery time I came over hersquod always make me a milkshake Remember thatrdquo
Mitch smiled ldquoHe always asked about you and why we werenrsquot married yetrdquo
Emma laughed loudly ldquoHe loved making jokes like thatrdquo she said
They stood in silence ldquoCome on uprdquo she said ldquowhat say you to a old-school movie nightrdquo
ldquoItrsquos like you assume I have no social liferdquo She stared at him ldquoYou know I have other
friendsrdquo he said while opening the glass door ldquoOf course you do dorkrdquoldquoAfter you Missrdquo he said indicating for her to
go firstldquoOh pleaserdquo she said curtsying and walking
ahead of him with clownish grace He followed her out of the elevator to her apartment door Her skirt fit her well
Making himself at home he took off his suit jacket and tie while Emma changed
ldquoMy dad sent me some winerdquo she said as she came out of her room with a two glasses She was wearing her Barnard sweatpants he liked her better this way She had let her hair down and it tumbled around her shoulders around her small face ldquoWant anyrdquo
ldquoSure whatrsquos one more glass of winerdquo he said smirking
She glared at him and crouched by her wine cabinet ldquoThat was once and I made it home in one
piece thank yourdquoMitch laughed ldquoAnd itrsquos blackmail for the rest
of your liferdquoldquoItrsquos not blackmail when there were so many
witnesses MitchrdquoldquoAnd how many of those witnesses do you
still talk tordquoShe stopped pouring the wine for a moment
ldquoOh shut uprdquo she said handing him a glass and pouring herself one
They chose from their still unfinished list of movies they had written during high school
ldquoWe havenrsquot done this in so longrdquo she sighed ldquoItrsquos so nice being able to hang out without one of your girlfriends getting jealousrdquo She said connecting the computer to the TV
ldquoHey Amy never didrdquoldquoThatrsquos true she was the only one I likedrdquo She
clicked lsquowatchrsquo Dances With Wolves ldquoIrsquom kind of glad yoursquore not with her anymore thoughrdquo she said more quietly
He dimmed the lights as the movie began ldquoI think I am toordquo He had never been more aware of the catlike way she folded her long legs under her when she sat on the couch or how her eyes were still so blue in the dark or how strange the empty space between them felt
He froze when an hour into the movie she resettled herself resting her head on his thigh and tucking her legs to the side He wanted to move her hair away from her face
ldquoEmmardquo He said He didnrsquot know why he just called her by her full name
ldquoHmmrdquo ldquoMeet for dinner next ThursdayrdquoShe didnrsquot look away from the screen ldquoAm I
invited to a bro-festrdquoldquoJust yourdquo he said after a long pauseldquoOkayrdquo she said hoping he couldnrsquot hear her
heart pounding She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt him move her hair out of her eyes
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
42
To Grace my friend companion confidanteI call you now because you taught me howA man expecting greatness can for wantOf love abandon outward pride to follow
His innermost beliefs They taught me songThe snow-capped hills that I have walked alone
I stood and struck there on the lonely gongThat old boast of my heart ldquoI am I amrdquo
Though you had told me once that I could learnHumility most difficult of the virtues-
Perhaps I know it now though I forgotSo long your lessons wore my ardent flaws
As armor arrogant and black I riseTo wake and think of waking to your beauty
And finding insufficient othersrsquo praiseRemember the way that you reached lightly
Before my parting handed me a cloakThat I have worn and keep with me still
To return as that dying hum draws closeTo you in hopes that I have worn it well
THAT DYING HUMRan Liu
Stock photo courtesy of magda18 at sxchu
Your eyes are clouded overBy Vaseline Your lips are brokenAt the edge where the doctorsTaped the tube Your bald head
Stares at me reminding meOf the hair you once had
Doctors say you will soonWake up but the surgeryDid not work The tumor
is inoperable There will beOnly a few more weeks
Until you start feeling worse
I want to make you happyWe will keep dancing
Every night I will replaceHospital gowns with pink
Dresses and cancerwith a crown
WAR
RIO
R
Stock photo courtesy of Miguel Saavedra at sxchu
Laura
Gra
u
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
44
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
46
I hid the remnants of my childhood
Inside a wooden box when I was seven
In the far left corner of Grandfatherrsquos woodshop
There I spent my days
Enchanted by the vivid motion of machines
And hands of men who gave rise to long-lasting creations
I felt at ease under a cloud of sawdust
Safe from the jagged blatant sawmdash
That riveted my sight
I watched men polish and varnish plywood pieces
Under the morning draft
That seeped through the cracked ceramic roof tiles
At times Grandfather brought me spare
Wooden sticks box nails and tools
With those I built small houses that collapsed
But the smell of wood glue still remains
Within the creases of my hands
Years passed and on my return
I found but languid stares of older men
The dust had vanished from the air
I saw that the men had lost the driving force
Behind their hands Silence was their sole companion
I searched but did not find
The box that hid the remnants of my childhood
FRAMESAnamaria Penagos
Stock photo courtesy of linder6580 from sxchu
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
48
Three days into the apocalypse and I was
already tired of pissing outside I tucked myself
behind one of the many Carolina backwoods pine
trees just out of the view of Nick in the old Camino I
reckon that Boy Scout had no interest in seeing my
derriegravere I only managed to get my belt unhinged
before a pair of wax-paper-white hands seized my
waist and neck My shoulder twitched in a flinch as
I expected a bite to the neck or head but I looked
down to find my reflection glaring back at me from
the blade of a hunting knife
ldquoMove and I carve your throatrdquo A girlrsquos voice
slithered into to my ear The voice hit my eardrum
odd ndash almost weak ndash like all the kindness in it had
only recently been broken down and reassembled
into menacing hate She continued ldquoHerersquos whatrsquos
going to happen Yoursquore going to give me the keys to
that piece of shit of yours and you get to go through
another day of this Hellrdquo
A scoff easily left my lips ldquoHoney yous best
be ready to kill lsquocause Irsquoll be six feet under before I
supinely give you my homerdquo Without a word the
girl tilted the knife into my neck breaking the skin
As beads of blood eased onto her blade I winced
ldquoAlright Alright The keys are in the ignition but my
friend is in the cabrdquo
She kneed me in the back of the leg ldquoWalkrdquo
As we struggled into the clearing where I
had parked the POS I could hear her assault rifle
clanking against her side I glanced back to my
assailant noticing a blitz of red hair hazing just
above her shoulders ldquoBe cool Irsquom gonna call for him
to come out unarmedrdquo I said shifting my gaze to the
cab only to find it empty
ldquoD- donrsquot move Your brainsrsquoll be on that tree
behind you before you can hurt herrdquo Nick walked
out from behind a tree stuttering His hand shivered
like a fault line as he pressed his hunting rifle to his
shoulder He aimed for the gingerrsquos head ldquoI suggest
you back awayrdquo
As Nick spoke the girl stiffened and I noticed
my elbow was conveniently pressed against her
stomach Moron I thought before subtly signaling
Nick not to
shoot with a
quiet shake of
the head
A
tensed silence
lapsed and I
elbowed her
in the gut
She staggered
b a c k w a r d s
but managed
to counter
with a well-
placed right
hook to my
jaw Cradling
the side of my face I fell to the pine needle littered
ground I watched as the girl grab her assault rifle
that hung off her shoulder and cock it Nick stupidly
stumbled into the line of fire between me and my
end He mustered up the best glare a chickenshit
fifteen-year-old could and let the girl have it As he
fought the fear in his eyes she looked back at him
mouth trembling eyes watering
ldquoHe has his eyesrdquo she whispered dropping
her gun and then to her knees After a string of
apologizes she told us her story
ldquoI swear to God you look just like my brotherrdquo
the girl said from the bed of the struck her eyes
painfully fixed on Nickrsquos She was surprisingly petite
clad in a too-big gray hoodie and black Under Armor
that made her look even smaller She looked about
n i n e t e e n
maybe twenty
but the past
three days
had aged her
face The bags
under eyes
sagged to her
knees and
spoke volume
to her lost
sleep
In the
cab Nick shyly
diverted his
gaze from her
and I took a
look at him myself His cerulean eyes were clear
as the Atlantic but perennially suspended in that
throat clogging purgatory before tears It surprised
me how much Nick felt Since the outbreak few of
us could feel anything more than nothing When we
did feel it was only a pinch of just enough anger to
get us through the day The redhead miserably tore
her eyes from my comrade
As Nick patched up my neck in the cab she
began her story ldquoYesterday when all the looting
started my baby brother and I locked ourselves up
in storm cellar of boyfriendrsquos parents home By that
time the infection had already hit the neighborhood
Most of the infected were killed or moved on because
there was no one else to eat I was sitting on the old
bed in the cellar trying to get my brother to sleep
But he had left his teddy bear mom gave him in the
house Adam my boyfriend said hersquod go get it but
I wouldnrsquot let him until my brother said lsquoyou have
to Theyrsquoll get him Theyrsquoll eat himrsquo My mom and his
dad had died in a car crash this time last year It was
all he really had from them I couldnrsquot say no again
Adam went to get the bear and by the time he
got back two looters found a way into the cellar My
brother and I hid under the bed Adam tried to fight
them but he couldnrsquot take on two men He dropped
the bear and my brother ran out to save him and Mr
Yogirdquo She paused clearing the sad out of her throat
before continuing ldquoThey killed them both Shot
them I was too scared to move I stayed under the
bed until morning After burying them in the yard I
left It took forever to get their blood off my handsrdquo
Her listless gaze fell to the chipping white paint of
the POSrsquos bed ldquoI should have died with themrdquo she
added hiding her shaking hands in her pockets
Nickrsquos vision fell on something out window
His eyes slowly lost focus as the gingerrsquos grief
occupied them He was always too sensitive to the
happenings of others I swear that empathy will be
the death of him In times like these the selfish see
the sunrise and set In times like these the selfish
survive ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo he mumbled
Stock photo courtesy of m4tik at sxchu
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
50
I smoothed the medical tape over the gauze
as I looked over to the girl She eyed Nick before a
careless shrug hugged her shoulders ldquoWe all have
the same story No use in feeling sorry all the time
The sorry donrsquot make itrdquo
A small chuckle fell from my mouth She was
right Offering her a slight smile I slipped a full bottle
of water through the cabrsquos back window to her ldquoIrsquom
Dandyrdquo I said finally introducing myself ldquoAnd that
there is Nicholasrdquo
ldquoItrsquos just Nickrdquo He corrected irked but not
unpleasant
ldquoLeahrdquo she replied taking the water She
tossed the cap aside and downed the entire thing in
one gulp I stared at Leah as she shook the very last
drops from the plastic onto her cracked tongue Her
eyes moved back the Boy Scout ldquoDid you know each
other beforerdquo
I shook my head ldquoNo I found him the first
night wandering around North Carolinarsquos border He
nothing but tears and two bullets to his namerdquo Nick
rolled his eyes ldquoAnyway wersquore staying here until four
Wersquore hoping to meet up with the rest of our partyrdquo
The girl crushed the bone-dry plastic with
her jagged fingers ldquoWhere are theyrdquo she asked
ldquoA pack of wolves ambushed us outside of
Asheville last night We havenrsquot seen them sincerdquo My
eyes skipped around the woods checking for any
sign those atrocities
ldquoDo you think Ed and his cousin made itrdquo
Nick asked hopeful
I sighed trying to rub the tiredness out of
my eyes ldquoI am no psychic Nicholas I havenrsquot the
slightest whether or not they gonrsquo got them killed
Chances are theyrsquore deadrdquo Nick looked away from
me picking at the yellow foam bursting from the
POSrsquos cracked leather seats I may have been too
blunt but he needed to hear it You couldnrsquot dwell
He needed to learn how to leave things behind how
to pick himself up and move forward He stole a
second glance with those pathetically sympathetic
eyes With an inward sigh I added ldquoBut Boss has
a good head on his shoulders His cousin ainrsquot all
stupid either That being said Irsquom hopinrsquo they made
it and thatrsquos why wersquore waitinrsquordquo My eyes gave the
woods another quick scan ldquoBut the moment I see
one of those goddamn wolves Irsquom hightailing it that
boat in Virginia Beach No where on landrsquos saferdquo
ldquoA boatrdquo Leah echoed taking a moment to
think about the plausibility of survival at sea From
the way she scrunched her nose to her it wasnrsquot that
plausible ldquoThatrsquos pretty riskyrdquo she decided looking
at me for the first time since she had a knife to my
neck ldquoIf yoursquore not careful you could be stranded at
sea No food No waterrdquo
I smirked at this ldquoThe question is would you
rather be the starving or eaten by the starvingrdquo I
shrugged ldquoPlayerrsquos preference At any rate yoursquore
welcome to stay with usrdquo
ldquoThank you Survival is a game of numbersrdquo
The afternoon slowly drew to a close and I
buckled my seat belt Nick sadly did the same before
Leah called from the bed ldquoWaitrdquo Nick turned to her
asked what was wrong but she brought a crooked
finger to her lips We listened to the autumn wind
whirr against the pine needles Apart from the lull
of the wind there was nothing else to hear No birds
singing no crickets chirping not even the relentless
groan of cicadas
ldquoI donrsquot heandashrdquo Nick cut himself off as a soft
crunch of footsteps whispered under the breeze
The crunch grew harsh and quickened with every
step Leah rose to her feet in the bed and brought
her automatic to her shoulder I grabbed my gun
and nudged for Nick to do the same
ldquoWherersquos it coming fromrdquo I asked cranking
down the POSrsquos mud stained manual window
ldquoThree orsquoclockrdquo Her words left her lips hushed
as she took aim The crunching grew louder and
louder until a figure broke into the clearing
ldquoEdrdquo Nick and I both shouted almost
jumping out of the car Ed was a chunky college
kid already balding from a habit of pulling his hair
when stressed He stood there shoulders heaving
with every labored breath and face beaten to shit
Black quickly grew in rings around a punched in eye
and some minor cuts were scattered across his face
Other than that and a fat lip he was for the most
part free of blood and more importantly free of
bites
Ed stared at us like a deer in headlights with
his eyes wild with fear rage and something cruel
ldquoWherersquos Chaserdquo I asked noticing there were
no other footsteps
He looked from me to Nick and back again
before whispering a breathy ldquoIrsquom sorryrdquo Saying
nothing more he took off the way he came
Nick threw open the door to run after him but
I caught the back of his shirt ldquoThat there contrition is
right suspicious He could be infected and trying to
save us ammordquo
ldquoDid he look bitten or torn to piece We both
know them wolves ainrsquot in the business of letting
their dinner get awayrdquo I frowned as he mocked my
Georgia accent ldquoLet alone in one piecerdquo
ldquoDo you want to be the one to shoot him if
yoursquore wrongrdquo That shut him up right quick as his
gaze dropped to the carrsquos floor
ldquoIrsquoll do itrdquo Leah said from the back ldquoIf hersquos
turning Irsquoll do it But like you said therersquos a chance
he made it I canrsquot stand here and let you lose your
friend without doing anything at allrdquo
Nick looked at me for the final verdict I sunk
into the driverrsquos seat and put my POS into gear
After off-roading on Edrsquos tail we eventually
made it to a dirt road that wound up to a lone
cottage in a meadow It seemed like it had once
been a peaceful place with green grass billowing in
a spring breeze and warm yellowing lights glowing
from the windows accompanied by puffs of smoke
sailing from the chimney in winter But it was fall now
the season of dying and the house and its windows
was as dead as the corpses that covered the autumn
burnt grass The bodies lay upon each other in piles
spreading over the length of a football field Their
faces were frozen in pain with dismembered body
parts scattered throughout the field staining the
beige grass with purple blood Ed was no were to
be found
ldquoThese bullet holes still look hotrdquo Leah said as
we stepped out of the truck guns in hand
ldquoI reckon their buddies are still up and about
Be on the readyrdquo I added tucking a crowbar into my
belt loops and walking up to the porch I walked up
to the flowerbed-covered windowsill Cupping my
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
52
hands I peeped into the cabin and saw something
horrible
Blood splayed across the kitchen cabinets
in burst like fireworks It took to Edrsquos face smearing
perfectly pasty skin with the imperfection of felony
as he raised and bashed a bat over and over Nick
stood beside me clutching his stomach before
staggering away to vomit into a nearby bush Leah
watched on terror tearing across her face at the
sight As for me my eyes stay on Ed expressionless
face as I was taken aback by the gory and personal
murder I tore my gaze away from him and forced
it on Chase who was strangely tied to a chair and
pale as chalk A cut traced the space between the
corner of his left eye and jaw line The island counter
blocked Edrsquos victim from view but anyone could tell
whoever it was good and dead
I couldnrsquot take it anymore I slipped the
crowbar out of my pants and slammed the blunt
end into the window I followed the hail of shattered
glass into the cabin and charged Ed from the side so
he wouldnrsquot hit me
ldquoStoprdquo The word shot out of my lungs in a
scream as I tackled him into a tight hug We slumped
against the sink before sliding together into the
blood pooling on the hardwood floor Ed cowered
into me and I smoothed my hand over his balding
head feeling my blond locks sop up the blood I
looked over to Chase ldquoWhat in the hell happened
Why are you tied uprdquo
ldquoThose things chased us here He was kind
enough to take us Well kind until he tried to kill usrdquo
He gestured to Edrsquos victim with his head but I didnrsquot
look ldquoI donrsquot know why Maybe for ammo and guns
He was going to chop us up Ed managed to get
away and I told him to run Idiot had to come backrdquo
Ed crawled off of me Slipping to his feet he
said ldquoScrew you I saved your liferdquo
I glanced outside to the sun purpling the sky
with its set ldquoLetrsquos get the body out of here and board
up the windows Wersquore staying here tonightrdquo
That night Ed and I sat on the roof rifles locked
and loaded for the nightrsquos first lookout shift ldquoHow
are you holding up Bossrdquo I asked Ed Although he
was quiet and sat next to me with his face still and
calm as stone his hands quivered
ldquoAs well as a killer canrdquo
I laughed ldquoWersquore all killersrdquo Gesturing to the
graveyard from their battle earlier I continued ldquoEvery
one of those bodies was either just like us or about
to be us They all had their own shitty families and
irrelevant problems and hopes and dreams that one
day their hardest decision would be which bottle
of champagne they should pop open tonight Even
though they already lost themselves what wersquove
done was no difference than slaying a schizophrenic
man or senile grandmother No differentrdquo
Ed didnrsquot feel any better but I wasnrsquot trying
to cheer him up It was such an impossible task
anyway ldquoWay to sugar coat things Dandyrdquo He
laughed again but this time with some heart ndash some
feeling ldquoTherersquos just something wrong about this
Something immoral about killing a living thing
Killing other peoplerdquo
ldquoTherersquos definitely something wrongrdquo I
agreed before shrugging ldquoBut I ainrsquot got nothing to
justify Survival is survivalrdquo
ldquoYou feel nothing at all for these peoplerdquo
ldquoNoperdquo That was a lie I wanted to curl up and
cry about every soul I sent to God as much as the
next person but I didnrsquot have time for that I didnrsquot
have time for tears or fears Fear is the mother of
mortality and I was going to last through this Irsquod
have all the time in the world to feel sorry when the
CDC finds a cure If they find a cure
Morning crept up on the cabin I awoke on
the rooftop to the smell of Edrsquos first cigarette of
the day and a soundtrack of starving moans The
pink sunrise blinded me but I could make out the
silhouettes of wolves trekking up the hill to the
cottage The climbed and clawed over their fallen
brothers to what they hoped would be their warm
fresh fleshy breakfast I stood up and pumped my
shotgun with one hand ldquoSo whatrsquoll it be Boss Is
survival outside of your moral compassrdquo
Ed put out his cigarette and grabbed his
automatic ldquoWersquore going to Hellrdquo He sighed pulling
the gunrsquos strap over his head
ldquoNot without taking them with usrdquo I could
hear Nick calling for us to come inside I took one
last long look at the army that clambered before us
and brought my gun to my hip ldquoKill lsquoem all and let
God sort lsquoem outrdquo
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
54
VIVIDTania Chatterjee
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
56
OF WHICH SOLOMAN HAD TOO MANY
A woman in a rich dress
made for arid days
Is followed by her flock
of timid slaves
Her children and anotherrsquos
children his heirs
Who will fight over
the friendless country
Their sandaled feet tap
on spotted beasts
Trapped inside mosaic
floors surrounding
other wives taken from
their fathersrsquo homes
for having been cursed
with sweet eyes
And the bronze chariots
wait for battle
Lined in front of
four thousand stables
Filled with fiery
Mounts stomping
For the African
Queen
Ruth Portes
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
58
You never need much time whenever she
comes around The day of waiting eclipses her
actual visit and the alcohol you fetch from the
shelf above the stove only slows down the time like
watching the second hand on a clock If you called
the night before set aside the time for the next
evening the mornings are the worst Invariably you
will wake up far too early for a weekend and with
no tarrying head directly to the fridge as if you had
a purpose for setting your alarm this morning but
not the rest Once yoursquore there standing in the cold
air flowing out of the open fridge door you realize
that the half-full carton of orange juice is really no
good excuse From there regardless of whether you
decide to drink the juice or not you will probably
take a shower turning the temperature as high as
it will go In your apartment that isnrsquot very high The
rest of the day will be fretting pacing drinking and
looking at your phone Honestly though why would
she call
If you call only a few hours in advance like
maybe itrsquos a workday and you made up your mind
to phone while copying spreadsheets then you just
cut straight to the phone-looking fretting pacing
and drinking more condensed-like
The call itself is never easy Maybe itrsquos even
worse Your palms get sweaty just thinking about
calling and by the time you try to dial her number
ATAXIA
Davis Einolf
yoursquore almost swimming Itrsquos nothing to do with
her when you finally connect shersquos sweet and
confident shersquos always so sweet Every time you
try to say something it comes out more like your
voice in middle school when you tried to ask Patricia
Kearns to the spring dance than the debonair Don
Draper tone you rehearse so much in the lukewarm
shower Sometimes it makes it a little easier if you
imagine her sitting at home or even pacing and
fretting waiting for you to call Most of the time you
see through that convenient fantasy undoubtedly
she has better things to do than wait for you to dry
your hands off on your jeans and bite your nails and
dial Despite all this when she picks up she is always
happy to talk always ready to come over always so
sweet
These are the longest hours of your life
longer than the eight hour workdays in your 40 hour
workweeks By the time she finally shows up parking
her scratched Toyota Corolla languorously sliding
out and up the dandelion-riddled asphalt towards
the door yoursquove fretted your nails into tatters paced
lines into the linoleum and drunk a good bit more
than you probably should have All of that for such
a brief visit The buzzer makes you jump a little even
though you watched her arrive through the curtains
and you have to collect yourself for a moment still
glued to the pane before remembering to buzz her
in the front door It only takes her a couple seconds
to make it up the stairs ndash shersquos definitely more fit
than you even in high heels ndash and her perfume
creeps in the door even as yoursquore fumbling with
the deadbolt A twist of the knob and there she is
beautiful smiling
Yoursquove learned to avoid awkward small talk
but if you accidentally lapse into it shersquoll politely
respond The truth is shersquos never been very interested
in your job you havenrsquot been either for that matter
With her in the room it isnrsquot so hard for you anymore
She can never stay for too long shersquos a very busy
woman but sometimes shersquoll stick around to talk
for a couple extra minutes maybe tell you about
a celebrity she saw on the street She doesnrsquot like
about her other work either and there really isnrsquot
much else to discuss besides brushes with better
people Thatrsquos only tops five minutes on top of the
hour and then shersquos back out the door down the
stairs and then driving away You pick yourself up to
watch her turn the corner through the window and
then get back in bed a few hundred dollars poorer
and another day older These nights you dream that
you are rooted in place on your back immobile
You are out on that hot asphalt street and your eyes
are locked into staring straight up at the sky as the
clouds flow in and out in tides and the birds slowly
migrate south for the winter
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
60
Stock photo courtesy of Helldiran at sxchu
LrsquoACCORD PARFAITLaura Grau
You grasped her passionately your hands infatuated
with the perfectly calculated curvature of her waistI sat there witnessing
the power of your spellas your mutual movement
drove me to want that too
My hairs stood on endwhen the movement of your fingers
seduced a gentle noisefrom her mouth
You tickled her makingme wish your fingers
were tracing my belly
Longing for a love affair like yours I hugged myself
For months I have called you mine yet never have
you caressed me so Perhaps with time yoursquoll
learn to make love to me the way you make love
to your guitar
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
62
WET JUNCTIONCyrus Beh
YOUNG LOVECyrus Beh
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
64
I hope this music gives you
at least half that itrsquos given me
Take these black notes in your hand
and play them like you breathe
Now caress the willow and drive the bow
Feel the songs I played seconds ago
Smell the hardwood taste the sounds
This yellow chair your stage
Oh my sister I wish I could stay here
and play duets with you all day
But my new husband calls and I must
move on my new home is far away
But just know that when you practice
there will be two more ears from my way
My heart beating the same beat
dancing to the pieces you play
Now before our time together ends
let me just teach you this last song
My sister this violin is now yours
Through you this tune lives on
AUTHORrsquoS NOTE Based on ldquoThe Music Lesson Two Women Seated on a Divanrdquo by Henri Matisse
The Last Music Lesson
Arielle Kaden
Stock photo courtesy of Yejun Kim
at sxchu
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
66
SPLINTERS OF CLARITY
Caitlin Dwyer
Stock photo courtesy of Constantin Jurcut at sxchu
ldquoMommy I forgot my lunchboxrdquo Zach said a pained expression making its way onto his rosy face He forgot his lunchbox because it was never packed There was no lunch for him that day Anna-bel watched him shifting anxiously in the backseat through the rearview mirror of her late husbandrsquos old pickup truck Shersquod sold her car the previous month to pay the rent ldquoYou can ask Mrs Wilcox for lunch todayrdquo Annabel told her son The school knew her refrig-erator was always empty and was beginning to as Mrs Wilcox put it ldquostep inrdquo But Annabel felt that they were stepping on her squashing her like some kind of insignificant insect beneath Mrs Wilcoxrsquos patent leather heel It wouldnrsquot be long before one of them government agents would be knocking on her door trying to take her son away She pulled up next to Robert E Lee elementary school and stopped the truck Oddly enough it was snowing out and the backroads were slick with slush ldquoOkayrdquo Zach said struggling to unstrap his seatbelt seeming to drown in his fatherrsquos old yel-low parka There had never been a need to buy him a winter coat it was the first snowstorm Louisiana had seen in years But Annabel knew how the kin-dergartner wearing a manrsquos coat would look to Mrs Wilcox Leaning into the front seat Zach gave his mother a kiss on the cheek ldquoI love you Mommy Can Billy and I play in the snow laterrdquo ldquoWersquoll see Irsquoll give Billyrsquos mother a call Have a good day at schoolrdquo Annabel called watching as her son climbed out of the truck and walked up to the school door Sighing she glanced at the clock Damn it she was late for work again That day work was at the Baton Rouge Sanitarium Mrs DuPont sat on her cot watching the snow fall on the other side of the plexi-glass window The parking lot had been smothered in white cars bur-ied under at least two feet of snow the weeping wil-lows breathing heavily as white shackles tightened their grips weighing them down The only splotch of color in her room was a flower sitting on the windowsillmdashan orange rose she found in the hallway the last time she tried to escape One of the orderlies had given her a bud vase and some water so the flower could survive But the water in the bud vase had frozen overnight and now the flower was beginning to die its stem trapped in a
block of ice The edges of its petals were yellowing crusting over crumbling like stale lead paint chip-ping from the walls of an old plantation house It was a rare thing a blizzard in Louisiana And yet the snow continued to fall Knock-knock-knock ldquorsquoTis some visitor Mrs DuPont muttered tapping at my chamber door Only this and noth-ing morersquordquo
ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo No answer Annabel knocked again The doc-tors had said Mrs DuPont was a real tough one And during her first week on the job a tough one was the last patient Annabel wanted to treat She was Annabelrsquos last patient of the day spent spoon-feed-ing applesauce to the senile elderly and delivering care packages to clinically depressed teenagers ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo After carefully unlocking the door Annabel peeked into the room Sparsely fur-nished with nothing but a cot a white desk and two white chairs its loud whiteness hurt her eyes if she stared for too long Most patientsrsquo rooms were covered with photos of family and friends But there were no faces in Mrs DuPontrsquos room Nor were there ticket stubs from movies shersquod seen or postcards from places shersquod visited or even a single trinket ldquoMrs DuPontrdquo Seeing that the writer was at the moment calm Annabel pushed the door open and entered the room carrying a tray She would do what the doctors told her to domdashnothing more nothing less Give the patient the pills give the pa-tient the water call Billyrsquos mother and ask her to pick up Zach from school go home to her tiny apartment with duct-tape door hinges and Tupperware table settings ldquoHow nowrdquo Mrs DuPont replied a sugary hint of sarcasm in her voice She tucked a ratty strand of unwashed hair behind her ear She was overdue to have her hair dyed by almost a year Annabel fig-uredmdashthe top half of her head was a golden blonde but was black near the ends Skunky streaks of green ran down what were once bangs on either side of her face ldquoItrsquos time for your medicinerdquo ldquoSuch mortal drugs you haverdquo the patient re-marked wiping the salty residue of tears from her cheeks Annabel could tell that shersquod had herself a good cry her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was running Hysteria obviously
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
68
ldquoNo no these pills will help youmdashrdquo Annabel even smiled for good measure ldquoTo my friends they are mortalrdquo Wiping her nose Mrs DuPont stood up Setting the tray down on Mrs DuPontrsquos rickety desk Annabel closed the door behind her The last thing she wanted was Mrs DuPont running free in the hallways The pills sat on a tiny porcelain platemdashtwo red capsules as the patient had requested the day before Annabel poured some water into a paper cup and slowly walked to the patient ldquoHere you gordquo she said gingerly handing the pills and paper cup to Mrs DuPont Looking down at the medicine Mrs DuPont scoffed ldquoI said I wanted Capulets not capsules Take them backrdquo ldquoIrsquom afraid I canrsquot do that Your doctors want you to have themrdquo Biting her lower lip Annabel glanced at the clock hanging above the door It was almost three Her shift was going to end in a few minutes and she couldnrsquot leave till this DuPont character took her meds Zach would be left waiting at school again Damn it She hated this new job But it was the job she could get Any job was a good job for Annabelmdashshe was up to her hoop earrings in her husbandrsquos old medical bills Doctors she hadnrsquot heard from in years started calling ldquoTo swallow or not to swallow that is the question Whether tis Nobler in the mind to suffer the Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles Irsquoll take them notrdquo And Mrs DuPont drank only the water holding the pills in her fist In her other hand she crumpled the paper cup throwing it like a snowball against the window-pane ldquoMrs DuPont you donrsquot want to stay here for-ever do yourdquo Annabel asked ldquoIf you take your medi-cine we can let you go homerdquo And theyrsquod let Annabel go home to make dinner from the scraps of meatloaf leftovers from the night before The patient cleared her throat ldquoIn that direc-tionrsquo the Cat said waving its right paw round lsquolives a Hatter and in that directionrsquo waving the other paw lsquolives a March Hare Visit either you like theyrsquore both madrsquordquo A Cheshire Cat grin crossed her face ldquoAre you saying you donrsquot want to go homerdquo Annabel was beginning to grow impatient ldquoI became insane with long intervals of horri-ble sanityrdquo DuPont explained to Annabel Turning to her right she said ldquoSo did I Edgar Allan We have so
much in commonrdquo Annabel rolled her eyes ldquoIf you take your medicine everything will be alright That Cat wonrsquot be mad any-morerdquo ldquoThe lady doth protest too much methinks Queen Mab In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the fore-finger of an aldermanhelliprdquo ldquoYou ainrsquot giving me another choice Mrs Du-Pont Irsquoll have to call your doctorrdquo Reaching for the phone Annabel hoped DuPont would comply ldquoThough this be madness there is method int Mrs DuPont whispered with urgency ldquoDo you understandrdquo She reached out and grasped Annabelrsquos hand dropping the pills in her palm ldquoNo Mrs DuPont I donrsquot Donrsquot you want to see your friends againrdquo ldquoI do see my friends My friends are all around merdquo ldquoWho are your friends Who are you seeingrdquo ldquoWilliam the playwright Edgar Allan the poet and Lewis the authorrdquo ldquoBut donrsquot all them voices chattering in your head make you upsetrdquo Turning to face the window Mrs DuPont re-mained silent The snow was falling more heavily than before the orange rosersquos petals brittle with the cold Reaching for the bud vase Mrs DuPont pursed her lips ldquoNo I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched ldquoThank you Edgar Allanrdquo she added acknowledging an invisible guest once again grasping the bud vase on the windowsill ldquoAnd donrsquot even think about leav-ing me for Annabel We all know how much you adore that slut Annabel LeehelliprdquoBefore she knew what happened Annabel heard the shattering of glass and ice against the cinderblock walls Slivers of shimmering glass covered the floor and certain splinters were still stuck to the walls turn-ing the walls into a crystal cave The rose lay among seeds of clarity scattered across the floor ldquoNever to suffer would have been never to be blessedrdquo Mrs DuPont told the rose kneeling down amid the glass lifting the flower from the debris An-nabel rushed to stop her from hurting herself but she was too late Mrs DuPontrsquos knees were bleeding those same seeds of clarity lodged in her thin skin ldquoMrs DuPont donrsquot you want to live in the real worldrdquo Annabelrsquos face was suddenly white like the room as she cleaned the writerrsquos wounds ldquoWhat real world The world where it snows in
Louisiana I much prefer my writersrsquo group lsquoOh you canrsquot help thatrsquo said the Cat lsquowersquore all mad here Irsquom mad Yoursquore madrsquordquo She paused ldquoBut I like my madnessrdquo ldquoExcuse merdquo Annabel asked ldquoDo you like book clubs I do We meet official-ly on Tuesdays and Thursdays but I see them every day Irsquom special Give me a sample of your work and maybe you too can lend your ears to Shakespeare and Company The old sports are very selective so Irsquom not sure if yoursquoll make the cut Wednesdays we do word play Saturdays are reserved for soliloquies Sundays we dabble in sonnets Would you like to hear my rendition of the lsquoJabberwockyrsquordquo She cleared her throat ldquoTwas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabehelliprdquo Frightened Annabel back out of the room and as Mrs DuPont followed her she rushed down the hallway DuPont hurried after her and louder and fast-er continued to recite the poem ldquoBeware the Jab-berwock my son The jaws that bite the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird and shunmdashldquo Annabel continued to cry picking up speed as she raced down the hall ldquomdashthe frumious Bandersnatch Off with your head
Turning back Annabel saw that Mrs DuPont had retreated to her room had slammed the door behind her Catching her breath she strode towards the tiny kitchenette where the nurses took their cof-fee Sipping their Cups of Noodles like pelicans by the bayou they simultaneously turned to face Annabel awkwardly shuffling into the room ldquoWho knows that DuPont ladyrdquo she asked too loudly Exchanging knowing looks the other nurses cleared their throats and returned to their salty soups ldquoHer husband left her last yearrdquo an older fatter nurse without a neck said ldquoFor a manrdquo another nurse a young pale one added Though she tried to hide it she was losing hair ldquoAnd she was gone up therehelliprdquo the first nurse continued gently tapping her head ldquoBut she was a little nutsmdashexcuse memdashunsta-blemdashto begin with She lived at the librarymdashrefused to go home for months on endrdquo ldquoBecause shersquos in love with Edgar Allan Poerdquo ldquoWersquore telling you this on a need-to-know ba-
sis Because you need to know Has she invited you to her book club yetrdquo Pushing her broad shoulders back the first nurse nodded Annabel assumed shersquod been invited a few times herself ldquoPoor Lenore had to quit last week because Mrs DuPont was convinced Edgar was going to leave her you know for his lsquolost Lenorersquordquo ldquoMay I use the phonerdquo Annabel asked bare-ly processing the take of Mrs DuPont She needed to speak to Zach Dialing the number of Zachrsquos school she glued her eyes to the florescent clock on the mi-crowave It was 308 then 309 Each ring on the other end of the call seemed an eternity as she waited for a receptionist to pick up ldquoRobert E Lee Elementary Joan speakingrdquo ldquoHi my name is Annabel Kern Irsquom going to be a little late picking up my son Zacharias I got held up at workrdquo ldquoOh Mrs Kern I actually have a note here to schedule a meeting with you Mrs Wilcox would like to discuss a few things with you um about Zachrsquos life-stylerdquo ldquoYes of course um let me just check the social workerrsquos schedule and get back to yourdquo Annabel felt herself choke as she heard the words ldquosocial workerrdquo ldquoGood Irsquoll be by in a half-hour Make sure Zach stays inside Itrsquos chilly outrdquo Annabel told her ldquoAnd if you could give him a cup of Cheerios before school he likes those And he never goes anywhere without this scrap of a blanket hersquos has since he was a baby and therersquos this picture of his father he keeps in his pocket You can barely make out the picture any-moremdashitrsquos so crinkled and has been through the wash a few timeshelliprdquo ldquoSee you in a half hourrdquo the receptionist asked confused ldquoOf course Irsquom sorryrdquo Annabel hung up the phone ldquoAt least shersquos happy nowhelliprdquo a nurse said in a hushed tone ldquoWhorsquos happyrdquo Annabel asked wiping a tear from her cheek Sniffling she walked to the coffee machine and fixed herself a cup ldquoDuPont She crazy as hell but shersquos happy She lives in her own little worldrdquoLater that night as she made dinner on a hot-plate in her apartment Annabel watched Zach playing in the Louisiana snow without a clue as to what his future would hold
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
70
THE LONG ROAD
Cyrus Beh
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
72
TRIPTYCH 1Liana Sanders
TRIPTYCH 3Liana Sanders
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
74
At the funeral (she didnrsquot really know him a distant cousin it doesnrsquot matter) her grandparents ask ldquoJust 20rdquo and she smiles humbly and nods Then they squirm to find a joke She doesnrsquot save them The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask if they feel a sense of fear now that it looms over them when theyrsquore at a funeral or when theyrsquore visiting the doctor for another check-up or when they least expect it and the girl wants to stand there all night listening to them talk and ask millions of questions to pick apart their brains she wants to go and sniff the bouquets of flowers just to see if she feels really truly alive and run around and laugh at all the old people and stick her tongue out at them screaming ldquoYoursquore old and Irsquom twenty and yoursquore going to die soonrdquo and then to know what it feels like to die she wants to jump inside the casket and lie next to her distant cousin whose name was either Warren or Warner but that doesnrsquot matter now because she just has to join him and hug him and kiss his cold dead face that probably smells like formaldehyde anyway but she must know exactly what his very last thought was before the liver cancer took his pitiable little life (It may have been lung cancer) The girl wants to ask about death She wants to ask and almost does She almost says ldquoAre you afraid to dierdquo But instead she doesnrsquot Instead she stays quiet and blinks When she opens her eyes again everyone at the funeral is gone besides her grandparents They finally land on a joke and it is mediocre at best She throws them a courtesy laugh and then they die Now she is alone
WHAT HAPPENS AT EVERY FUNERAL
Matthew Moores
Stock photo courtesy of aschaeffer at sxchu
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
76
SAFFRONTania Chatterjee
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
bottle preferably glass take my heart and pour in the fuel that makes my skin burn gasoline or love it doesnrsquot matter they both set things on fire then choke me with a blanket of words dirtied by all the stains you tried to rub out but couldnrsquot itrsquos a shame itrsquos a shame because you told me that a love like this only happens once and once only before completely consuming me and you and leaving nothing but some second degree burns a broken bottle
you were my molotov cocktail
Jennifer Baik
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
78
How it isKatie Robinson
Stock photos courtesy of Claudia Meyer Colin Brough fcl1971 at sxchu
It was you who found him there dangling on that rope like a ragdoll limbs loose skin almost translucent like a thick sheet of ice It looked fake It looked like some kind of joke Kennedy was with you and he threw up on the spot You just stood there staring like Therersquos no way this is real This definitely isnrsquot Robby Itrsquos just one of his pranks You took a step closer and Kennedy was saying What are you doing and you werenrsquot listen-ing just looking closer Why would anyone want to go out like this Leaving life looking like some kind of twisted pintildeata You got this mental image of a paper mache version of Robby with bright shreds of paper hanging off of him swinging from a tree at a picnic You looked at him in his closet and thought someone should hit him with a bat and see what comes out And then you choked and fell to your knees heaving up sobs at the feet of a dead man and you felt the rough scratchy carpet where he walked his way to that closet and you smelled the rancid scent of Kennedyrsquos bile and you could hear Kennedy crying next to you into a phone to someone saying Robbyrsquos dead Robbyrsquos dead oh my god and you donrsquot remember much after that
Remember that time when you were fourteen and Robby and Kennedy were sixteen and you three were driving home from school Of course you do Of course you remember every detail You guys were stopped at a train crossing and you were in the backseat talking about that rumor that Chelsea Roberts got Derek Lawson off in the gym utilities closet and Robby and Kennedy were cracking up in the front seat near to tears because you were good at telling stories and adding your own embellishments and they were good at encouraging you to keep it up And then when you were mid-imitation of Chelsea going down on Derek you heard Robbyrsquos laughter choke off and saw him reach over and smack Kennedy on the arm Yo look Kennedy swung his head forward and you cut your imitation short and stretched your neck out so you could see it too There was a guy Some guy in a Jethro Tull t-shirt and worn-out jeans and no shoes And he was standing on the middle of the train tracks not moving What the fuck is he doing Robby yelled Yoursquod never heard Robby sound like that You took everything in real quick like therersquos the guy therersquos the train the guyrsquos not moving
1
2
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
80
3
4
the train is honking honking not gonna stop honking and the guy is standing standing not gon-na stop just standing and you wanna scream at him and tell him doesnrsquot he know hersquos gonna die but you already know that he knows that Oh shit Maybe everyone closed their eyes but you or maybe you all kept your eyes open You wouldnrsquot know because you never asked But you watched Jethro Tull Guyrsquos body get smashed against the train and rain down to the ground like streamers at a birthday party Oh Jesus Jethro Tull Guy was dead Fucking smithereens Smashed like a bug against a car windshield Laying in unidentifiable pieces along the sides of the rails and oh man you never wanted to know what the front of that train looked like because the leftovers were bad enough Everything was silent for a good minute after it was over and then traffic started moving again and you guys picked back up conversation like nothing even happened and Robby drove right over those tracks and shit you wanted to throw up but you kept talking even as you looked out the window one last time to see the splattered remains of Jethro Tull Guy You never mentioned it to anyone and you never talked about it with Robby or Kennedy But you dreamed about it sometimes waking up in cold sweats And you cried for a while that night when you got home up in your room with your trig homework laid out in front of you untouchedAnd you thought about it now sitting on a couch in the living room of Robbyrsquos house staring your nephew in the face thinking wow did he look like his dad and saying Why donrsquot we wait to talk til your mom gets here and he says Whenrsquos dad gonna be home and you get too sick to your stom-ach to reply
Ainrsquot it a funny thing death your mom said to you and Robby the year after dad died You were sitting at the kitchen counter with a plate of pancakes and eggs out in front of you She was leaning with her elbows on the counter and her round puffy face resting on her fists Funny isnrsquot how I would describe it Robby said in this biting way and you looked over at him like Why are you talking like that but he wasnrsquot looking back at you No no Mom said distantly like she hadnrsquot really heard her eyes staring off at something that wasnrsquot there Your dad would have loved to have been around to see you boys grow up to be hand-some as you are Itrsquos only been a year Robby said Wersquore not that different Mom snapped her head at him like Whatrsquos with the attitude Robby dropped his fork and knife on his plate with a clatter and said Irsquom not hungry and walked out of the room
Robby and Mom had never really gotten along and it was especially bad after dad died Like
they hung on to good relations for that last little stretch just to make dad happy while he was on his deathbed Dadrsquos death was slow and rough for everyone You remember telling your third grade class that your dad was dying And your fourth By your fifth yoursquod stopped wanting to talk about it He was gone midway through that year anyway Cancer ate away at him slowly and he always looked less and less like himself About two years into it you stopped even thinking of him as Dad he was just some eroded version of that guy With sunken in eyes and skin suction cupped to his bones and greasy stringy falling-out hair Some-times when he was in the middle of talking he would let out wails of pain Eventually he stopped wanting to talk at all Mom would cry all the time but when you walked into the room she would wipe off her eyes and turn around talking as if shersquod never been crying at all It just became custom to pretend you hadnrsquot noticed Robby got real distant and real odd when dad started going He was barely passing classes and you didnrsquot know where he was half the time At night yoursquod walk by his door and hear the sounds of spotty choppy breathing He didnrsquot cry at dadrsquos funeral But he stood there at the grave for hours and hours not moving and you and mom drove away and when you came back to get him he was still just standing there and when you called his name out of the car window and mom said Time to go sweetie he turned and walked back to the car and didnrsquot speak for three days
Well he was happy when he got married wasnrsquot he You remember him smiling and everyone saying he looked so in love You remember nodding blankly like Sure yeah But yoursquod never really seen what love looked like so you couldnrsquot say for sure
When you sit down with Lindsay you want to be able to say that yoursquod noticed hersquod been sad for basically his whole life but you canrsquot say that because it wasnrsquot true Shersquos got her head tilted a bit to the side and shersquos looking out the window but she isnrsquot crying Stop messing with me she says Itrsquos not funny Irsquom not messing with you You hear her swallow You watch her lip quiver Hersquos gone Linds And then she bursts into tears and you donrsquot know what to do so you reach out your hand across the table and she grabs it Shersquos saying she doesnrsquot understand Shersquos talking about their son Man you never wanted to do something like this You didnrsquot sign up for this You feel yourself get-ting mad at Robby for leaving behind a family and leaving you to clean up his mess and then you sink into yourself feeling like an ass for having thought that in the first place Goddamn
5
6
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
82
Jack-Jack is upstairs playing with some trucks just waiting for his dad to come home but he isnrsquot coming home and now Lindsayrsquos talking like How am I supposed to tell him that and shersquos crying even harder and hell now yoursquore crying a little bit too I mean I knew he wasnrsquot the happiest buthellip You nod at Lindsay so she knows she doesnrsquot have to finish and she starts crying harder and then Jack-Jack runs down the stairs saying Whatrsquos going on and oh my god hersquos only five years old and you stare at those glistening eyes and think of his happy-go-lucky smile and close your eyes picturing it for one second because you know he might not have that smile anymore pretty soon And Lindsayrsquos crying too hard to tell him whatrsquos going on and you donrsquot want to speak so you sit there and wait and you all sit there and wait for someone to finally tell him Robbyrsquos never coming home
How about that time when you were seven and you guys went hiking in the woods Kenne-dy was there too Kennedy was there lots He and Robby were up ahead leaving you way behind because at that time they thought you were annoying for being around even though you were all still kinda friends You were stopping to catch your breath when you heard Kennedy go Hey look and you ran to catch up and there was Kennedy pointing at a dead raccoon Half of it was nothing but bones and the other half was rotting and stinking and flies were going round it in circles landing and buzzing off and landing again Robby looked sick You said Gross and Kennedy smacked you on the head and told you to Shut up dweeb and Robby was saying Letrsquos go Hey what I think itrsquos cool Kennedy said with that grin he had that was always getting him out of trouble But Robby insisted on going so you left Later that night Robby told you he just didnrsquot like dead things not even animals and when you asked him why he said They just remind me of dad And then he said What do you think about death and you were seven and didnrsquot know much so you said I dunno Freaky I guess Yeah he said sounding like you didnrsquot get it And you both dropped it
Kennedy calls you up going Do you need to talk about it No Okay just thought Irsquod check Maybe What Maybe I need to talk about it Okay he says Okay Irsquom coming over
7
8
When he gets there he says hersquos glad you need to talk He says I definitely need to talk Do you want a drink Yes he says God please I could really use that right now You go pour the both of you the strongest thing you can find in the cabinet and come sit back down So you told Jack-Jack he asks You push out your bottom lip and blow air onto your face You swallow hard and after a mo-ment you finally say yes Christ Kennedy says I canrsquot believe that I canrsquot believe he wouldhellip Poor Jack You say I really donrsquot want to talk about Jack-Jack He goes Sorry He says he never even noticed that anything was wrong with Robby He says he never wouldrsquove imagined he would do that and that thatrsquos what makes him the most upsetmdashthat he was his best friend and never even noticed He says he knows you probably feel the same You say you do You say Do you remember that guy who got hit by the train He looks at you silently for a moment and then goes Yeah He gets real thoughtful Then he goes You know Robby used to bring that up a lot when we were kids Asking why I thought that guy did it Kennedy goes He was always haunted by how we just drove over those tracks afterwards like it was nothing Haunts me too you say
Really haunted him though He always said That was that guyrsquos final act His real last moment to make his mark Probably thought everyone would be struck by it Would finally see him And we just drove right over those tracks chatting about Chelsea Roberts like we didnrsquot see a goddamn thing
You remember when Robby got this one girlfriend when he was 19 and he brought her over and you guys were all hanging out She was laughing at your jokes and you were having a great time and he got real mad and just got up and left Huh she said when he was out of the room Is he alright Probrsquoly you said He gets real moody sometimes she said Likehellip I donrsquot know I just wonder about him some-times Wonder if everythingrsquos alright Up here you know she tapped on her head And in here she said and tapped on her heart Sometimes I think somethingrsquos really wrong Do you think You looked after him Nah you said Thatrsquos just Robby You said Thatrsquos just how he is
9
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
84
GoldHer hair was laced back in apathyThe braid sat on her neckrsquos napelike a weight of all innocence swallowed in sinBlack pride bound the yellow tailcontaining it to a rare swish fromleft to right and backagain It moved as still as her lipsin the shadow of a past smile RedHer nail polish was the only partof her that ever yelled It shinedon her fingers louder than her ownvoice that seldom amountedto more than a well-worn sigh lost in stirring airThe cold chill of her breathlike a nip of winter windkept most away and leftthe rest with bites of frostbitten wrath UntiedHer shoelaces grungy with disregard haphazardlydropped under each step Her foot justbarely missed the string to tripThe shoestrings flapped around in her gait They shoutedthat she was not afraid to fallbut whispered that she already had Irsquove seen her tie her scarf like a nooseWhen she stretched her shirt would ride up and Irsquod see the blue-black bruises on her sides from the times she walkedinto corners of counters mumbling ldquoouchrdquo with a smile
Last week I knocked on her door to findthat no one home But in the windowI saw two floating feet swaying from right toleft and back Stock photo courtesy of Goumllin Doorneweerd
- Swijnenburg at sxchu
DANIELLEKat Lewis
Looking down the terrace and Scanning the sun-drenched figure seated By the marble cascade andSeeing a tie-dye maxi a hatAnd her familiar grin isLike being a jaywalker caughtMomentarily In the headlightsOf a car whose radio blaresThe mellifluousSaxophone
CAUGHT MOMENTARILY
Hong-Wai Wong
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
86
Let me pull your strings
like the tides in
their silent moondance
Anchors aweigh and
I cast you
onto the seafloor
Irsquoll give you back to your
self later
maybe
Let me spin you out
like a spool of thread
eyeing needles and
leaving the air stitched
rippled with our slips
Your hips
open like a book
I find you at chaptersrsquo edges
and curl your page inwards
Let me pour into you
like cream into my coffee
coffee into my core
You stick to the shore
left behind by the ebb
My hands web and
spider on your spine
donrsquot
move
DONrsquoT MOVEShayer Chowdhury
SPIDERHOLEArtist
SPIDERHOLESamuel Cook
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
88
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
This is for the songsThat you once sang meWhen the stars came outAnd yoursquod kiss me goodnightAnd whisper that you loved me
This is for the liftingIn the air - flying your arms My wings my little body soaringLike a bird held steadyBy your mighty hands
This is for the dancingThat time we learned to tangoMy eyes just reached your waistBut oh how we loved that tuneI can still hear that tip-tap
Father I can still hear youThat bellowing laughWhen I hear it I turnTo see someone elsersquosFace happy like yours
Father I can still see youHigh up in that old tree youUsed to climb because you saidYou never stopped being a kid
But I guess you stay up there now Father Because God thought you were too good to stay too good to be alive-
You were too good to play down here
FATHER TOO GOOD TO STAYArielle Kaden
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
90
self insertionKate Orgera
The darkness had swallowed the shiprsquos brig whole but the stale air painted a vivid enough sense of the place in Juliersquos brain smelling of rancid sea water pit stains and rum The rum made her think of a funny quote from the Pirates of the Caribbean film which would have incited laughter except for two things one the chains wrapped around her chest which rather con-stricted her breathing and two the reason she was tied up in the first place Of course the setting of the Pirates films was exactly where she didnrsquot want to be right now ndash she truly did feel as though she had been dropped in the middle of such a film except there were no cameras no craft services tables and no way out
No she assured herself scrunching her face so that her glasses would slide back up the bridge of her nose Therersquos always a way out in these types of situations She just needed a plan
And more importantly a partner
She steeled herself before she called ldquoLiliardquo out into the darkness her vocal chords chafing from lack of use ldquoLiliardquo
The silence stretched for such a long time that Julie almost gave up on making contact when she heard a grumbled ldquoWhatrdquo
Juliersquos heart jolted in surprise and suddenly she found herself floun-dering for words ldquoUm I hellip look I know yoursquore not happy with me ndash rdquo
ldquoYeah thatrsquos a bigger understatement than lsquoOne does not simply walk into Mordorrsquordquo
Another line she wished she could laugh at Julie swallowed (though with what she was unsure as her mouth was as dry as sandpaper) Even though she could not see her cellmate she could imagine Liliarsquos facial expres-sion she knew it so well ndash thin dark eyebrows lowered to turn her dark blue gaze into a striking glare ldquoYes well I get thatrdquo Julie continued ldquoBut I figure the only way out is to work together I mean you have to get out of here and finish your quest And Irdquo She trailed off the imagined sobs of her mother piercing her mind ldquoI need to get homerdquo
Julie heard Liliarsquos light scoff ldquoThe quest Really Whatrsquos the point in fin-ishing the quest now that I know that you just made it all up on a whimrdquo
Julie honestly had no idea ldquoIrsquom guessing the expression lsquoItrsquos about the journey not the destinationrsquo wouldnrsquot be the right answerrdquo
Stock photo courtesy of Matthew Schubert of sxchu
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
92
ldquoYou know me too wellrdquo She didnrsquot say it in the way friends say it an understanding of the bond between them No Liliarsquos words with a cold acerbic bite on each consonant were as effective as any spell she could have cast (if not for the magic-cancelling chains) to make Juliersquos words die in her throat
So silence settled over them again As Julie felt her glasses begin to slip back down the bridge of her nose she squeezed her eyes shut though really it made no difference in her sight She took a deep breath through her mouth so as to avoid the rank stench of the cabin its pungence not only unset-tling her stomach but reminding her of the reality of the situation A reality that shouldnrsquot be a reality at all
Lilia the pirate ship they were trapped in the sea that it sailed on and the entire land of Palmara containing it had all started out as simple words in Juliersquos notebook It was a standard fantasy quest plot out of Tolkien and Tamora Pierce written as a fun summer diversion to get her mind off of college starting in the fall The story centered around Lilia a clarinetist and fantasy lover kidnapped from band camp into a magical world who discovers shersquos the only one with the power to defeat Gregort and save her homeland of Palmara
But one night in the middle of a writing fren-zy Julie found herself writing of one of the villainrsquos goons going after a special target that wasnrsquot her chosen protagonist She wrote him coming through the magic portal in front of a house that was eeri-ly like hers She wrote him going up and crashing though a door that was also eerily like hers And then she wrote about him kidnapping her
Which he then did
It would all have been very meta if she had
known she was doing it
It had of course only gotten worse from there Because once she had woken up on the ship and come to grips with the reality of the situation her villain Gregort of Martin a towering broad-chested tyrant had played his hand How he had broken the fourth wall to capture her she still couldnrsquot figure out but she knew he would want to use her to bend everyone to his will Why else kidnap an otherwise powerless teenage girl into a magical land
But she had not expected him to use her to get Lilia on his side
She would have envied who or whatev-er thought of that plot twist except that now the participant rather than the reader she was terrified rather than impressed She could still see Gregortrsquos sneering face could hear his mocking tone reading her own words aloud to Lilia resonating in the open air over the sounds of the churning sea below In his mouth her words sounded like drivel trite and taste-less and even worse he framed her as the monster not him ndash that she made him evil and anything he had done was her fault Everything that had hap-pened a ploy to boost a selfish teenage girlrsquos ego he said How dare he
And Lilia had stared wide eyes darting be-tween the man reading the words and their writer tied to the mast She neither looked angry nor teary nor shocked But all the nerve Julie had written into her seemed to drain away letting her sword drop to the deck unable to move The powerful chosen one rendered powerless by a book If she had been writing Julie would know what the girl was think-ing would have been able to talk or rather write her out of whatever dark thoughts Gregort was planting in her But she was as powerless as Lilia only man-aging to stammer out ldquoI didnrsquot knowrdquo before being overtaken by Gregortrsquos tirade again It seemed as if
Gregort had won hellip until suddenly galvanized Lil-ia leapt forward grabbed the notebook out of the villainrsquos hands and plunged it off the ship into the ocean It was pretty epic so much so that the memo-ry made Julie imagine some dramatic John Williams orchestral piece in the background
Unfortunately while her heroinersquos action had saved Palmara it had not saved either of them And while she clearly had not fallen for Gregortrsquos ldquoIrsquom ac-tually the good guyrdquo ploy something in what he said had clearly stuck for Lilia because she seemed to hate Julie as much as she did him
ldquoI was going to give you a happy ending you knowrdquo Julie said breaking the silence ldquoI mean even when I thought you were fictional I never wanted to hurt you rdquo
Julie heard Lilia sigh ldquoI know you didnrsquot know And Irsquom sure you meant no harm But it isnrsquot about comparing the good you did for me versus the badrdquo Julie heard a clinking sound and pictured Lilia clenching her hands into fists ldquoYou used merdquo
ldquoAgain I didnrsquot knowrdquo
ldquoIt doesnrsquot change that you did itrdquo Lilia said sharply her voice rising ldquoI was just a pawn in your clever little game Any power I ever had began rdquo Lilia stopped catching her breath then concluded ldquobegan and probably died with that notebookrdquo
ldquoWe donrsquot know thatrdquo Julie asserted quelling her own thoughts about what effect the notebookrsquos destruction had on her heroine ldquoAnd yoursquore not a pawn or powerless Yoursquore the hero Itrsquos your story I should know I wrote it that wayrdquo Julie wished she could look Lilia in the eye
There was a pause ldquoYou donrsquot actually realize do yourdquo
Julie frowned ldquoRealize whatrdquo
And Julie could practically feel Liliarsquos stare on her in the darkness ldquoThe story was never about me Maybe it seemed like it Maybe you even believed it But it was never about me Julierdquo
ldquoWhat is that supposed to meanrdquo
ldquoYou wrote me Figure it outrdquo
Julie tried to further question what Lilia meant but the protagonist refused to speak any-more Julie sighed cursing that she had made her so stubborn She didnrsquot understand why Lilia was so upset Yes it had to be strange to find out your life had been written about in a story And yes Grego-rtrsquos lambasting of her writing had not put Julie in a good light But it wasnrsquot her fault She was just trying to write a good story And it was a good story She had been guiding Lilia protecting her not forcing her to do something against her will Lilia had stood
up to Gregort fine without the notebook after all
by throwing it off the ship And even if Julie wasnrsquot
Shakespeare at least the story had been on course
for a happy ending
But now Now the story was off course And
either it was careening off with no control or some-
thing else had taken the wheel But either way the
former writer was in the dark as to whether she
would get a happy ending
Despite the denseness of the air Juliersquos blood
chilled She closed her eyes concentrating on the
gentle rocking of the ship the sound of the waves
Lilia would come around Eventually
All Julie could do now was try to sleep
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
94
NELIPOTLaura Grau
Kate tells me my eyes lie I donrsquot understand what she means but I canrsquot risk offending my bossrsquo daughter by questioning her She bends down to pick up a baby lemon tree from the back of the tractor and the glimmering sweat on her lower back makes me wonder why shersquos helping me Instead of planting the trees along the fence she could be lying by the pool and drinking iced lemonade like her friends have been doing since they got here
The first time I saw Kate she was hanging from the back of the bossrsquo Range Rover holding on to the spare tire I had heard about her from the other workers especially Pablo They used to play together in the corral before her father told him to keep his distance He always said she wasnrsquot like other rich girls But I never would have expected her to arrive barefoot wearing a white blouse that had been stained by the specks of mud that few from the tires as they drove through the puddles Once she and the boss had parked under the shade of the mango trees she jumped off and ran toward us ldquoSentildeoritardquo said Pablo as he took off his hat to greet her She hugged him ldquoYou must be Alex I heard we had a new addition to the ranch I canrsquot wait to see if you can beat me on Amarillo Pablo has been trying for years Shall we get the horses readyrdquo
A few hours later after spending the afternoon racing each other on horseback through the fields of the hacienda her parents yelled for her to go up to the house and eat fancy food yet she preferred to stay with us workers and fight me for the arepas with the most cheese
Ignoring the thick layer of dirt that is forming on the soles of her delicately-pedicured feet Kate brings a lemon tree to the hole I just dug She pats the soil around it making sure not to pack it down too much and she puts a few drops of water from her pink water bottle on it When she stands however she doesnrsquot return to the tractor She turns to me staring at me the same way she had looked at Plutorsquos leg the day we found him laying by the river her eyes glimmering softly at the corners We hadnrsquot been able to save him A thousand pound bull with a broken leg is impossible to take care of so Kate left while the vet and I put him down ldquoWhy do you look at me like that Alex Your eyes say something while your words say something elserdquo she whispers as if she was keeping a secret from the vast emptiness of this ten-acre field ldquoI donrsquot understand What are my eyes telling yourdquo ldquoThat you like me toordquo she says shifting her eyes to my hands ldquoSentildeorita I work for your family I would never disrespect yourdquo I say praying that the car I hear in the distance isnrsquot the Range Rover She grabs my hand with the hand she had been using to shield her face from the fiery sun and intertwining her fingers with mine she smiles I had been so afraid of touching her even when I shook her hand the day we met My hands were sandpaper compared to hers Hers slowly grew blisters as she continued to work with me around the ranch for the month of her summer vacation Mine didnrsquot even grow blisters anymore They were dry valleys covered in dirt that I could never get rid of
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
96
HANDS SCENTED WITH HOT TOWELS AND APPPLE JUICE
The pillbox hat illusionary scarf and pencil skirt so fits that
Unquestioningly despite impossible heels she glides yes
She glides away after reciting with her ready simper sorry Irsquom
Working at the moment to ndash I assume ndash yet another with an
Undone tie and she glides to the Polish tourist who fumbles
For words over a black screen and fishes for peanuts and
Wine and she glides away from the thirsty housewife again
And the cabin now dims as outside wind time space stretches
Endless its forbidden shimmer counterfeited on the ceiling these
Manufactured stars catch the forms of a stumbling restless and
Plastic cups on her tray as she glides to the baby who bawls
Out my fear of infinite floating ndash this fear that suddenly
Quiets to goo-goos in the sooth of her coos as she scopes
The baby and sings and swoops and loop-dee-loops and as
She glides off down the aisle the baby oohs bye bye and my
Vocabulary too is now reduced to this primordial gibberish as she
Asks where Irsquom from and omelet or rice and my eyes remain
Glued to my shoes
Hong-wai Wong
Stock photos courtesy of Jean Scheijen YaMaha91 Marcus Costa and John Nyberg at sxchu
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
98
UNTITLEDHannah Danzinger
STORY TIMEKeven Perez
My imagination ran rampant back theninfluenced by tales of the highest fancyAliens and wizards and talking monkeysEach with its own pretty storybut the real beauty was in meshing them together
Today the only stories I hear are news reportsinfluenced by tragedies of the highest caliberEarthquakes and shootings and political uncertaintyEach with its own worrisome outcomebut the real worry is in their combined effect
Back then the flick of a finger could turn away a tidal waveToday the pressing of a trigger can take a lifeTucked in I remember dreaming of flying a rocket into spaceGrown up all I hear is the fear of rockets falling from spaceAll it takes is a few years for onersquos world to be turned upside down
Reality is just as hard to believe in as fantasyHow can it be impossible for lizards to flyyet possible for evil men to tower over the goodThe nonsensical made sense back thenNothing makes sense today
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
100
its meaningless its meaningles its meaningle its meaningl its meaning its meanin its meani its mean its mea its me
MEANINGJennifer Baik
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
102
2013-2014 Executive Board
President Alessandra BautzeVice President Christina Luk
Secretary Kate OrgeraTreasurer Jose Nino
Publicity Chair Georgina EdionseriCo-Heads of Prose Lucy Miao amp Ruthie Portes
Head of Poetry Annie Cho amp Christina LukCo-Heads of Visual Art Jose Nino amp Georgina Edionseri
Head of Layout Hillary JacksonHead of Website Trevor Aron
Prose Committee
Heads Lucy Miao Ruthie Portes
Abigail Sussman
Chaconne Martin-Berkowitz
Gulnar Tuli
Hillary Jackson
Jesse Chen
Katie Robinson
Katherine Seger
Lydia Youngman
Madeline Wheeler
Ran Liu
Ruth Marie Landry
Interested in appearing on this staff list next semester
Just send an email to thoroughfaremggmailcom and request an application
No experience is necessary
THOROUGHFARE
STAFF FALL 2013
Poetry Committee
Heads Annie Cho amp Christina Luk
Cara Schulte
Constance Kaita
Dael Norwitz
Evelyn Ho
Hannah Ingersoll
Katherine Quinn
Lauren Altus
Laura Ewen
Nadya Kronis
Shayer Chowdhury
Visual Art
Heads Georgina Edionseri amp Jose Nino
Andrea Massaro
Brittany Zwang
Candice Gard
Caroline Youse
Hannah Danzinger
Julia Bradshaw
Madeline Wheeler
Yuqing Zhu
Layout Committee
Head Hillary Jackson
Dael Norwitz
Helena Chung
Ruth Marie Landry
Si Yeon Lee
104Thoroughfare 2013
104Thoroughfare 2013