Things You Dont Want to Hear From Your Dm

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collection of bad things to hear from your dm

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101 Things You Never Want To Hear Your DM Say...Compiled & edited by Joel HahnWritten by: Anthony Law, Dusk, Cold, Augustus Caesar, Jessen Yip, Art Wendorf, Varsil, Granwel Wands, Tuatha de Danaan, Kevin Chan, M.J. Lush, der Joachim, Sasha Petef, pblock, Cold Fire, R. Scott Roberts, DMGorgon, Khammao Chang, Vicki Hembrow, PJS, Mittierim, Andrew Tellez, Smurflord, Jason Lotito, Barry Smith, Jay Haffner, Parsley(R), Rook, Tach Deneva, Bryan J. Maloney, Dave Harper, Denakhan the Arch-Mage, A'koss, mrneko, Barry B. Wood, planemaster, Donald Bachman, Ian R. Malcomson, Weston D. Griffiths, The Chanteuse, Perry Holley, Robert Baldwin, Barbara Johnson-Haddad, Peter Seebach, Perigryne, Dave Brohman, Nick Reed. JoMaC2K, Dale Moore, tussock1) "You actually put on the ring?!"2) "Okaaaaaaaay..."3) "Oh no..."4) "This is going to hurt."5) "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Man, it sucks to be you!"6) "I modified this creature a little..."7) "You can bring any character you want... it probably won't come out alive."8) "He gets up again and starts advancing on the party. He looksunwounded."9) "20 more Thri-Kreen come around the dune."10) "Evidently that wasn't the [lich's] phylactery."11) "Oh...don't mind these rolls...all just unimportant..."12) "Plot twist time..."13) "The ring won't come off."14) "You feel compelled to ."15) "Ooooo, well. How many hit points did you say you had left?"16) "Complete silence while he stares blankly at me."17) "No, you REALLY like that ring. In fact, you think you'd MUCHrather keep it on..."18) (DM rolls dice for about 30 seconds, during which we assume he'sjust idly rolling D6's). "Saving throws everyone!"19) "You do what?!! Okay, everyone have 4d6 handy?"20) "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1..."21) "Okay, as you come into the clearing you see a bunch of monks runningaround, while castrated men scream, chained to an altar. Now...I can'tpronounce what they are saying...Nylarthio...Nlatotep....ah hell, make yourfear checks!"22) "I need some more d6's."23) "I really didn't expect you guys to do that. *sigh*"24) "Did you not hear me when I said EMANATING EXTREME EVIL?! That meansDON'T TOUCH!"25) "Look I'm getting a bit drained GMing so I want to take a break. Butdon't worry I've got Irwin the Trainspotter in to fill in for me. Bye...."26) "You don't mind if my nongamer, _very_ affectionate significant othersits in on the game?"27) "Hey, another crit!"28) "Eek! Ran out of coffee."29) "I never wanted to be a DM, I wanted to be a lumberjack!"30) "...and then you notice her eyes are glowing."31) "How many hit points did you say you had left?"32) "Thought I'd bring my 9 year old son to the game. I want him to learnto play."33) "My 9 year old son wrote this adventure... He'll be right out to DM it..."34) "Whose miniature is that on the far right? Ewwww, sorry."35) "No, you saved--that *is* half."36) "Save."37) "Can I borrow all your dice?"38) "Can I borrow EVERYONE'S dice?"39) [When the DM starts answering questions directed at you.]40) "Explain to me **EXACTLY** what you are doing."41) "THE GUY IN FRONT OF YOU IS CARRYING A SCYTHE AND TALKING TO YOU INCAPITAL LETTERS!!!!!"42) "My favourite monster? Well, any level draining undead, really..."43) "Oops."44) "Read this note. Don't tell anyone else what happened."45) "What level were you?"46) "You aren't, by any chance, immune to...?"47) "Take a few minutes to check your character sheet. See if you cansqueeze out another save bonus."48) "Don't worry about the damage. Just lie still for a while. We'll seehow things go."49) "You are under a magical compulsion. Direct your most effectiveattack against ."50) "Roll 4d6 six times and drop the lowest die each time."51) "I need to speak with you...alone."52) "Give me your character sheet."53) "Check your perception please. You failed? I guess you don't sense this coming..."54) "You will advance at the rate of one x.p. per game."55) "I hope y'all didn't create big backgrounds, because we're playingTomb of Horrors!"56) "Damn. That was my last cigarette."57) "Hang on, I gotta look this one up!!"58) (After you make a request that'll put unimaginable power into the handsof your character) "Okay."59) "Tell me *EXACTLY* where you are standing when you do this."60) "Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!"61) "Now is it pronounced Wyrm, Worm, or Vorm?"62) "SIGH. . ."63) "You don't find any traps."64) "You don't find the trap."65) "You don't seem to find anything."66) "Heheheh....cool." 67) "*cough*....OOOOOkay."68) "What WAS your Con?"69) "Take X damage. Permanently."70) "You do that? I'll get back to you."71) "Uhm...Tim...how about going out for a soda run?"72) "Now that's gonna hurt!"73) "Oops, I forgot he had that." "Now who was the first oneto insult him?"74) "What's your standing with your god right now?"75) "Did your character have a will that wasn't on his body?"76) "You told the priest who your next of kin was, right?"77) "I didn't know those things hit so hard..."78) "You didn't like that character, did you?"79) "Kevin, you hear . Everyone else, you hear "80) (In a sarcastic tone) "Saving throw?"81) "Sorry."82) "Hey-- Neat." 83) "Now that's just swell."84) "Are you _sure_ you don't want to attack him? You don't _seem_ to begrasping the 'easy' solution..."85) [Any of the assorted evil laughs that come up regularly.]86) [While rolling up a crit] "I'd like to _see_ that. It'd just befunny to actually see..." 87) "You know, this game is supposed to have a high turnover rate. I've beentoo nice to you guys lately."88) During any conversation out of game: "Now _there's_ an idea. I'm goingto have to do that to you guys..."89) "Oh dear. I'm going to need more dice for this."90) "OK, guys, I'm not gonna sit here rolling all these dice. I'll justuse the average damage. And I'll just assume you save."91) "Come with me and bring your dice."92) "..and a pencil with an eraser..."93) "Hmm... I have a good session planned. I'm pretty sure the survivors willgo up a level..."94) "I forgot and left all my stuff home, so I'll wing it."95) "You think you saw a shadow moving around the corner."96) "You think you heard some indistinct noise from your side."97) "You feel a sudden chill."98) "Click."99) "It smells kinda funny in here. Roll a d20 please.."100) "As far as you can tell, the room appears to be empty."101) "Don't get too comfortable, this won't last long."102) "...So then Odin says 'Oh YEAH?!? Well take THIS...'"103) "Hey Bob, remember that $20 I lent you that you never paid back? Well,consider THIS payback!"104) "Then your new, jet-black sword says..."105) "Then the demon says..."106) "What is your save vs. death? Oh, wait a minute, it doesn't matteranyway."107) "You realize that the sun seems to be getting a lot bigger..."108) (rolls dice, laughs) "Wow! How unlucky can you guys get...?"109) "Oh god! Please tell me someone can beat my initiative 2."110) "But I'm Sure I gave out the XP Last week!"111) "You know, I've never managed to run this dungeon All the way through..."112) "Sorry guys - I forgot my notes this week. So, err, if I remember correctly,you were all in a big, errr, you know, big room, with, like, some corridorscoming off it and stuff. Right?"113) "Right, it's the middle of the night and you're all asleep..."114) "Where were you keeping that vial?"115) "Nothing happens."116) "The minotaur is clearly dead, everyone in the room knows that obviously theminotaur is dead. Everyone is absolutely sure the minotaur is dead... exceptthe minotaur."117) "Do you guys really want to play out the gruesome details, or do youwant the short narrative version?"118) "...Ok, left the corridor goes for 30' then turns. To the right it goesfor 120' and then just ends. Nothing special about the hallway at all."119) "Hand me that calculator."120) "Oh crap... That's the last of you, isn't it?"