The Woodlands Serving Central Ohio, Inc. …...Post-Divorce for Adults Children can find their needs neglected when adult caregivers are distracted by conflict, as often occurs when

2014 The Woodlands Serving Central Ohio, Inc. 1

This seminar for parents is required by the Licking County Domestic Relations Court for parents who have

filed for divorce or dissolution. At the request of the Court and to make it more convenient for parents, this

online version of the course was developed. If you feel that you would be better able to pass the course by

attending our live seminar, please contact us at the phone number below to obtain information on the next

available live course at our Newark, Ohio location.

Helping Children

Succeed after divorce

The Woodlands Serving Central Ohio, Inc.

Responding with integrity and compassion to people facing challenges

The Woodlands Serving Central Ohio, Inc.

195 Union Street, Suite B-1

Newark, Ohio 43055

Phone (740) 349-7066


WELCOME

Helping Children Succeed after Divorce

Before we begin:

This seminar will take an approximate total of 90 minutes to complete. You

will need to

1. Print this document

2. Complete all sections

3. Follow this guide during the presentation

4. View all videos

5. Pass all quizzes with an 80% or better score in order to receive the

certificate of completion that the Licking County Domestic Relations

Court requires. You can watch the videos and take the quizzes as many

times as it is necessary to receive the 80% or higher score.

PLEASE FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS IN ORDER ON THE

FOLLOWING PAGES.

Changes in structure are stressful for children and adults. Rising to the challenge of recog-

nizing and addressing your child’s fear and pain while dealing with your own set of emotions

can tax the most loving of parents. This seminar will help parents:

Recognize signs of stress

Understand similarities and differences in their needs and the needs of their children

Develop strategies to help your child cope


Look for directions in these gray boxes! To

get started, complete the PARTICIPANT

PROFILE in the “surveys” tab.

*Remember - You must complete each section

to receive your certificate. After you complete

the activity, you may continue reading below

THE BRAIN AND STRESS

Three Types of Stress

The Center for Disease Control has identified three (3) types of stress:

1. Positive Stress: This is shor t term stress that causes minor changes in the

body. When adults are caring and responsive to this type of stress, it teaches

children healthy coping skills for stress management throughout life.

2. Tolerable Stress: More intense than shor t term but still time limited.

Examples include death of a loved one or family disruption from separation or

divorce. If the child is well supported by a responsive and loving adult, this can

benefit the child and become positive stress. If the caregiver is overwhelmed and

distracted, unable to provide proper support, “tolerable stress can become toxic

and lead to long-term negative health effects.” (Middlebrooks, Audage, 2008.)

3. Toxic Stress: Which is “intense” and “sustained” negative exper iences that

activate the stress response system (fight-flight-freeze) for such a long duration

that it negatively impacts brain development, resulting in permanent structural

changes. Supportive adult caregivers who provide positive experiences can help

the stress response system return to normal functioning and lessen damage caused

by stress that might otherwise be tolerable.


An adult has established pathways in their brain to

respond to stress, based on their genes and their

accumulated experiences.

Your past will impact how you react the stress in the present, which will

impact how your child’s brain develops its own stress response. Adults

have more skills and tools to use to manage when they are stressed. Those

are worked into your brain, so well typically, that you use them without

thinking. High levels of conflict that sometimes occur when parents are

separating can cause adults to bypass their skills and revert to fight-flight-

freeze types of behaviors much more frequently.

Furthermore, there is a great deal of overlap in symptoms from different

emotions. When we are aroused, adrenaline goes up, heart rates increase,

muscles tense, stomachs flutter, etc. When we are frightened by some-

thing our child does, we often raise our voices. Our child sees what they

believe is anger. We know it is fear. Even “falling in love” causes those

same arousal symptoms, so attraction can look and feel much like anxiety.

It can be stressful teasing all this apart, even with adult insights and skills.


Common Reactions to Stress

Many changes, such as sleeping, eating and crying/clinging, occur normally

in development. You are looking for changes that are abrupt and unusually

intense that signal something is at work other than the normal changing

patterns that young children experience as they mature.

Infants: Sleeping and eating changes, crying, clinging

Age 18 months - 3yrs: Sleeping and eating changes, regression in toilet

training, talking and independence, aggressiveness or fearfulness

Age 3-5: Regression in talking, toileting, sleeping & eating, Aggressive

behaviors, over-compliance, anxiety, self-blame, clinging, difficulty with

separating

Age 6-12: School and peer problems, anger/aggressiveness, may blame one

parent, withdrawal, self-blame, physical complaints

Age 13-19: Academic problems, physical complaints, delinquency, substance

abuse, teen pregnancy, depression, suicidal thoughts withdrawal, fear of

commitment


Open “The Brain and Stress” Quiz in the

“quizzes” tab. Watch video “Toxic Stress Derail

Brain Development” and complete the quiz using

the section you just read and the video.

What you can do for your child at

each stage of development

Infants: meet your baby’s needs promptly and consistently, avoid changes in people

and routines. Do NOT fight or argue in front of the baby

Age 18 months - 3 yrs: Give love and reassurance, avoid changes in people and

routines, stay involved, keep your commitments, provide clear, concrete, age-

appropriate explanations of changes, listen to the child’s feelings. Do NOT fight or

argue in front of the child

Age 3-5: Give love and reassurance, keep routines consistent, keep commitments,

provide explanations of changes, listen. Do NOT fight or argue in front of the child.

Age 6-12: Give love and reassurance, maintain consistent routines, be specific about

plans, stay involved, encourage good relationship with the other parent, listen. Do

NOT fight or argue in front of the child

Knowing that the intense and sustained stress causes the body to respond in unhealthy

ways, it is important to highlight the fighting and arguing in front of children of any

age causes a reaction in the body and brain that, in some cases, can cause permanent

damage. Parents going through the phases of divorce are often unknowingly

contributing to this damage by fighting and arguing in front of the children. The

children who continue to witness this kind of behavior experience brain trauma that

can have long-term effects on their mental health, decision-making ability and their

future relationships with others. As such, parents should be very careful not to

contribute to these negative behaviors in front of their children. It is also important to

note that children also perceive shutting down, the “silent treatment” or passive-


STAGES OF DIVORCE AND GRIEF

Emotions: Behaviors:

Dissatisfaction Fighting

Disappointment Withdrawal

Uncertainty Reconciliation efforts

Fear of failure Diminished parenting capacity: The normal human condition of having your own

resources depleted by stress, so that you are not able to attend as easily and appropri-

Hurt

Guilt


Anger Filing for divorce

Resentment Consulting attorney

Blame Considering legal issues (custody, finances, property)

Fear of loss of the chil-

dren

Using mediation and/or counseling

Anxiety about finances Physically separating

Anxiety about legal

“victory”

Helping children cope

Lowered self esteem Finalization of legal divorce

Pre-Divorce for Adults

During Divorce for Adults



Sadness/loss New friends/relationships

Acceptance/resignation Focus on the future

Relief Resumed parental role

Rediscovery of autonomy Building a co-parenting relationship

Renewed self-confidence Develop parallel parenting skills

Post-Divorce for Adults

Children can find their needs neglected when

adult caregivers are distracted by conflict, as

often occurs when parents separate.

Parents can learn to mediate their children’s responses by understanding how

a child’s developmental stage affects their understanding, how grief affects

children vs. adults, how communication can influence the level of conflict

that impacts the child and how to recognize the child’s signals and respond

effectively.

The grief process takes different amounts of time for different people. It is

difficult to estimate the amount of time that it may take some children to

overcome their grief following a divorce. The stages of grief are self-

repeating. Therefore, you will need to do the work to assist your children in

the day and time that you are needed to do it. You or your child may feel as

though you have finally reached acceptance but something will trigger you

and you return to speaking the language of anger, or depression or

bargaining, etc. When each individual is processing in this way, family

members can be in different stages of grieving at the same time, leading to

conflict as opposed to support. Extended periods of depression or anxiety can

result in a child feeling abandoned, even when a parent is present. Also, it is

important to note that parents should watch children during transitions, as

this can trigger shifts in stage of grief.


Stages of Grief for children

Shock and Denial

Children think “this divorce isn’t really happening”

Children may act as if the divorce isn’t happening, for instance, refusing to talk

about it or hear parental explanations

May have a delayed reaction

Anger

Children think “How dare my mom and dad do this to me!”

May blame one parent or the other

May anger easily and/or in unrelated situations

The anger can be complicated or created by feeling isolated or betrayed by

parents

Bargaining

Children think “I’ll get them back together.”

Usually under the age of twelve

May use misbehavior to get the attention of both parents

Over-compliance, scheming to arrange get-togethers

Believe they caused the divorce and it is their responsibility to get parents back

together

Depression

Children may be overwhelmed by feelings of sadness, as evidenced by

withdrawal or frequent, unexpected tears over small occurrences

Become very irritable

Acceptance

Children think “My parents are divorced, but I still have a mom and a dad.”

Talk more openly about having two homes

Pursue other interests


Open “Stages of Divorce and Grief”

Quiz in the “quizzes” tab. Watch

video “The Still Face Experiment”

and complete the quiz using the

section you just read and the video.


SUCCESSFUL COMMUNICATIION

WHAT YOUR CHILDREN NEED TO HEAR

Mediation

The divorce process can be quite difficult. Parents going through

divorce are often unable to communicate in a healthy manner that

will bring resolution to their situation. Mediation is an action

taken between parties to effect a settlement or reconciliation.

Effective mediation can reduce financial costs, time and the level

of conflict involved in shifting a relationship from romantic

partners to partners in parenting . A mediator, who is usually an

attorney or other neutral party of which parties share the cost, can

help both parties stay focused on the issues that are most important.

One of the most important issues is maintaining a consistently

healthy environment for the children. If you choose mediation, you

can prepare for it by recording concrete, practical information that

you would like to settle in your case and focus on those issues only.

Factors that affect ongoing adjustment and

acceptance

There are a number of factors that come into play when

determining how well your children may adjust to your divorce.

Some of these factors have proven to be more detrimental or more

helpful and others.


1. Parental conflict: Many studies have shown that children who

are exposed to parental conflict will have a more difficult time ad-

justing to their new life as a divorced family and their acceptance of

the divorce. The less exposure they have to frequent, intense, and

ongoing parental conflict, the easier it is for them to move through

the stages of grief you studied in the previous section of this course.

2. Flexibility in the schedule: Just because your relationship has

ended, does not mean that the relationship between the child and

their other parent has also ended. Children want access to both par-

ents on their own timeline. Children want to attend different func-

tions with both parents, regardless of the parenting schedule. Your

ability to maintain flexibility so that children are able to go back and

forth as they choose, will make the transition to a life of having di-

vorced parent, far easier.

3. Ongoing contract with both parents: Children want contact with

both parents. Prohibiting that contact will only prolong the adjust-

ment period for your child. In fact, children who are encouraged to

maintain a healthy amount of contact with both parties through vis-

itation, phone calls, internet, etc., are far more likely to adjust.

4. Freedom to deal with emotions as they occur: Often, when par-

ents are caught up in their own emotions, they don’t make time to

assist their children with the emotions they are dealing with. Little

statements like “I miss mommy/daddy.” are often an opportunity for

parents to assist children with these feelings. Be supportive to your

children as you are all they have to lean on. Parents who are over-

whelmed when they hear a child talk about the other parent can en-

list other adults to help give the child a safe place to talk until they

have regained their equilibrium and can offer unconditional support

to their child.


1. You BOTH will continue to take care of and provide for them.

2. Your feelings for each other have changed but the special parent/child

relationship goes on forever.

3. The child’s relationships with friends, relatives, siblings grandparents,

parent, stepfamily members who have been close and supportive and

other family members will continue.

4. The children did not cause the divorce.

5. Children often wish that parents would get back together but this is not

going to happen.

6. When you married, you loved each other and hoped for a lifetime

together. The divorce was not an easy decision.

7. You are sorry for the hurt this decision is causing them.

1. Blame cast upon the other parent for the divorce

2. Adult details of what went wrong in the marriage

3. Negative comments about the other parent

What children

need to hear

What your children do

NOT need to hear


Open “Successful Communication” Quiz

in the “quizzes tab. Watch “Mrs.

Doubtfire” video included and complete

the quiz using the section you just read

and the video. Then click submit and

continue on the following page.

Limit communication to child related issues

Don’t let marital issues into the discussion

Don’t blame the other parent

Be courteous and respectful, even if you don’t feel he/she deserves it

Don’t expect appreciation or praise from the other parent

Act like a guest in the other parent’s house

Be explicit and detailed about child-related issues when speaking to the

other parent

Exchange written memos about verbal agreements

Focus on the present and the future, NOT the past

Speak in “I” messages

► “When this happens, I feel __________ .”

► “I would be ______________________.”

Communication and

Behavior Skills


SUMMARY

To finish the course, complete the

PARTICIPANT POST SURVERY in the

“surveys” tab . Enter your name, and contact

information into the PARTICIPANT POST

SURVEY and indicate how you would like to

receive your certificate. You will need to allow

48-72 hours for your certificate to be sent to

you. Additionally, when you receive your

certificate, you will need to present it in court

during your hearing.

Divorce is trying for both parents and children. There

is hope for children who experience divorce, as long

as their parents work hard to understand what they

are going through and promote behaviors that will

help them work through this difficult time.

Documents

The Woodlands Serving Central Ohio, Inc. …...Post-Divorce for Adults Children can find their needs neglected when adult caregivers are distracted by conflict, as often occurs when