The Withering Torture

8/14/2019 The Withering Torture

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I will never forget the day when Iraqinvaded Kuwait, it was on august the 2nd1990 and as every one knows how peopleoften like to talk about what they weredoing when some major event occurred.

So I'll replay the screen of my memoryand show what was I doing that very hotday, for it was imprinted on my mind and

changed my life.

I woke up that Thursday morning at thecontinuous voice of bombing, it was far butvery fearful. My husband was a doctor andhe had a night shift in the hospital, so Itook the telephone and called him. A

strange feeling came to me that squeezed


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my chest when the nurse answered tellingme that my husband never had a nightshift on any Thursday.I know that Kuwait was invaded from atelephone call from my parents. Asking meto leave my apartment with my fivemonths son and stay with them for acouple of days.

Two major events in the life of a 22years oldmother in oneday.

I rose, dressedand drove

myself to my parent's house with my babyon the back seat. Tears covered my face,shaking from fear, but I decided to bestrong when I saw his face on the rear

mirror, strong. At least until I arrive home.It seemed that it was the end of the

world. I parked my car, grabbed my son,my parents were waiting for us. That Iforgot to mention, I'm their only daughter. Ihugged my father. Thinking that I was


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crying only for what happened to Kuwait,which that alone struck me in my heart.

During those moments, it felt as therewas no one else in the world but us.I remember every thing about that day,

when I was sitting in the kitchen, searchingthe radio channels for news that wecouldn't watch them because it was taken

by the Iraqi invaders.I kept blaming my self of what happened,it was strange, but I did.It was unjust and unfair.

A week passed. a very hard one ,and wenever heard of my husband , until we

knew later that he was killed trying to fleeto Saudi Arabia .


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were happy when the allied forces enteredKuwait on the 26th of February 1991

they over whelmed the Kuwaiti's andgathered to see the allied soldiers on topof their tanks crossing through , so I tookmy baby and I followed them .

Every one was excited and extremelyhappy they were waving to the soldiers

I got tired and my son slept on myshoulder. So I sat on the street pavementto rest a while putting him on my lap. Iraised my head and suddenly I saw themost wonderful eyes looking at me, he was

an American soldier, I knew he was anAmerican from the flag on his tank. he wassmiling at me , I couldn't smile back ,hejumped off his tank , came to me , wentdown on his knees on the ground andcovered me with a plastic cover on my

head , then I realized it was raining .


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He went back to his tank with a biggoodbye smile; I just nodded, not knowingthat he will be the heaviest burden of mylife.

A month later, my father died, leaving

the three of us alone, not forgetting tomention that we were and still verywealthy family. But very poor in emotions.His death broke my heart even more. He

was the father and the friend. I discoveredthat I had the strength to deal with crises,

so I decided to take my mother to Paris fora visit; it was only a try to make a changeinside.

We were in the airport waiting for ourflight, their I saw him walking in front ofme with a lot of soldiers carrying heavymilitary bags, he turned his face towardsme and stopped walking , he came to meand said ' hello again ' , he looked at my

son and said 'hello sleepy head ' I was
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surprised that he remembered us . Heintroduced him self to me and we talkedfor a few minutes, then he asked for mytelephone number and said goodbye. Thistime I smiled but it came from within myheart.

I had the feeling that it was as if life wenton pause for a while and then began again.

I asked my self if I was fooling my self ofthe thought of admiring a stranger, so itwas best to forget all about the fiveminutes conversation and his wonderfuleyes.We flew to Paris trying to understand our

new life and prayed that only time willcover every harm happened to us.''You were right dear, we needed this

holiday'' my mother said ' but it endedvery quickly ' I replied, holding my eyes onher that I knew she was in pain and hiding

her feelings away from me. She wasthinking of my father. He was a wonderfulhusband and father and I wished that I cansay the same to my son about his fathersomeday.

Days past and one day while I was being

busily inside the villa , with my son


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following my steps , he was 16 months ,the telephone rang and when I answered ,I actually felt how fragile I was , hearingthat warm voice , it was him , he told methat he was in Kuwait and wanted to meetme with my son . I squeezed my hand andsaid ''ok, we will see you after one hournear Kuwait Towers ''.

I was excited like a school girl, yet afraidbut I can't keep my self from jumpingahead.


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I took my son, we got ready then we wentto meet him. we got on time , he wassitting on a garden chair waiting , when Isaw him , I heard my heart ,that feelingnever came through me before .

We walked towards him, and when hesaw us, he got up, came to us with faststeps as if he knew us from a long time. He

took my son, hugged him as if he was hisown. 'Hello I've been looking forward tomeeting you ' he said to my son but thenhe looked at me with smile .his smile spokepoetry and I replied with one too, it wasthe smile of joy.

He gave my son a teddy bear and sat him

around his neck around his shoulders .then


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we walked. I was happy, that I wassearching for someone to trust, anotherheart in which I can place my hopes anddreams safely.'We should get to know each other and I

am happy that you will tell me more aboutyou ' he said.

I told him every thing about me without

looking at his blue eyes directly but thatwas difficult for I wanted to look at themvery much.

I knew that his wife died and he had nochildren and he was 12 years older thanme. He knew that I'm a Muslim and I knew

that he was Christian. Now I can say that Ireached the point that made our feelingsto each other a burden.


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We went home after saying goodbye .Icalled my mother and told her about him .Inoticed that she was nervous and said becareful , you are my girl and I trust you ,think before doing any thing . Then she left

me alone. Shocked of what she said.As a matter of fact I understood what shehad in mind.I decided to reserve judgment on that

and go to sleep and when I woke up in themorning by the voice of my son playing, I


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went and saw him with the teddy bear hegave him yesterday.At that moment I realized that we take riskany time for the sake of our beloved, thensomething deep inside me said 'no. no oneis worth the risk .fate decided for meagain. I can't see him anymore.After breakfast I took my son to the

daycare and in my way back home I keptthinking of my luck and why shouldsomeone have such a curse

I arrived home and while I walked downthe corridor , I heard the telephone , Istopped for a moment and then answeredit was him , I can't explain the feeling thatcame to me . He asked me to have dinnerand he had only one week in Kuwait. Well Ican't see you anymore; I'm sorry ' I said'why ' he answeredThen I replied 'it's complicated ,I hedidn't let me finish my sentence and

begged me to come .
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He made it very hard but I agreed on onecondition, that it will be the last. Thattelephone call brought tears to my heart Irecognized immediately that I was feelingevery thing about him.Soon that night I was sitting in front of himat the dinner table in the hotel restaurant Ifelt terrible and regretted coming.

What was wrong with me? He said, Iraised my face and looked at him and said' nothing, it's us. Not only you ' 'how ' he

said'Why do you want to see me? I said ' well, Iliked you at the first, but I think that I'm inlove with you and to your son'.His magical words ached me and

weakened me, I didn't have to say any

word, my tears did.' we have lots of time totalk ' he saidYou don't understand, can you tell me

what is your future plan with us? IAsked'Of course, we'll get married ' he replied'you see that is what I'm trying to tell you

I'm a Muslim woman, I can't marry you,


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you are Christian ' . I said it wasn't longbefore he started to eat, he ate quickly ,looking at me and asked me If I wasn'tangry and told me ' please eat ' ,I wasn'table to do any thing at that moment andasked him to leave .I was deeply in love with that man

because he was one of those people who

were born in the wrong historical period.He held my hand and escorted me to mycar.Getting back to that wonderful first day I

saw him, I must describe what happenedas a disaster.

I ignored his telephone calls for the restof the week which made me moreobsessed with him, I felt guilty but I had todo it.At 1993 new years eve, nearly 10 o'clock

with a lot of family members around, the

telephone rang and it was him .wishing meand my son a happy new year, I
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Apologized for not answering his calls andhe replied that he will be there for us atanytime and hang up. I kept reminding myself why I should not call him because Idiscovered that I still had feelings for him. Iwasn't happy at all but had a verycomfortable conscience. I was and I stillam a religions woman, I never committed

adultery in my life or any sin. Also I alwaysdid the best I can for my family and for theothers.

From that day he got used to call meevery Friday night for three years .that Ididn't see him until March 1996 when he

called me and said he was waiting to seeme in the airport for he had a transit stopfor a few hours. I was very happy and Icouldn't let him go without seeing him 'allwrong ' I heard my inner self reply , and Iasked my self why can't I get that blue

eyes out of my mind ?I ignored that and went to see him and

when I arrived at the airport I was able toput my self together for I don't want tolose this opportunity.


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I went inside and I saw him , hefascinated me , I crawled through thepeople in the airport and when I reachedhim I wanted to hug him but I couldn't , heheld my hands and kissed them . At that

point I believed in my self.How is sleepy head? He asked about myson, I felt secure near him and to me hemade the airport that day as a place ofsalvation. I couldn't think of letting him go.He looked at me with his smiley eyes, he

sensed my struggle and said 'I respect youand I'll help will you.'How? 'I asked ' let's be friends, let us try

at least ' his words made me happy andsad, and I was like someone caught beingwhere he knew he shouldn't be. I shook my

head and I avoided as many as I can of hislooks.' I'm sorry I have to go now 'he said Ithanked him for remembering me andwent inside the gate. I reached my carthinking of our rare relationship. Any way, Iwas angry of myself, and I remembered

every significant event in my life and I


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wanted to bring this man back. And I did inmy heart .I went to sleep that night withhis name on my lips.'Good morning ' my mother said, she

opened the curtains, then she turnedtowards me 'still thinking of him ' sheasked.'No ' I answered

She raised her eyebrows and smiled andsaid ' you have someone waiting for youdown stairs and she turned away.

I got up took my shower and dressed. Iwent down and my mother was settingwith someone that I saw only his back '' Idon't know, maybe '' I was telling my selfsoftly , then I said no , he turned , lookedat me and I almost fainted .

'' I thought you were already too far gone ''I said '' well, we had engine trouble andour flight was cancelled until next week, soas a friend, I wanted to say hi to yourfamily, he said. His eyes widened a littleand talled me:I'll tell you a secret its waymore than that. '' How? '' I replayed.
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Where is sleepy head? I want to see him,he added. So I called my son he wasalmost 6 years old and very handsome.He came and when he saw him he smiledand said you are the teddy bear man.He took him between his arms and kissedhim on his forehead.'' you are very tall ''my son said, he laughed and his voice

sounded like the voice of a father laughingto his child. It was truly music and it hadbeen so long time since I shared such ahappy moment. We had breakfast and Iremember that it tasted happiness.

It was summer and he asked about theplaces were we can take my boy forswimming. My mother dropped the forkfrom her hand and gazed at her plate. She

rose and walked away. '' My boy '' that wasthe word that shocked her. Me too.Fawaz my son , was jumping from joy ,

hugging him , I followed my mother and Ifound her in her bedroom and when shesaw me , she made her self buisy avoidingmy question . She was afraid; I took her
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hands and kissed them. '' Don't worrymother, trust me '' I said.

My heart was burning, her feelings wereabsolutely right. I went back, I found myson with Alex talking about swimming andhow he will teach him how to be aswimmer. They both looked at me andeven my son felt something in me. He

came and hugged me as if he was beggingme to let his happiness be true.

I went down on my knees and asked himwhen do you want to buy your swimmingsuite?His eyes widely opened and answered ''now ''.I found Fawaz's words carrying it self not

only in my mind but deep in my heart aswell. His fast response is an effort to helphim self and his mother, me. Ok Fawaz .Let's see where we can buy you the mostwonderful swim suite. He said, pressing hislips together and held his small hand. They

went towards the door and turned his face
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back, '' come on '' he called me with astrong voice. '' yes '' I said and I followed , Ican't predict the future and I can't readpeople's minds but it wasn't hard to seethat there emotional ups and downsmoments made me week . I drove them toa shopping mall and there I was amazedhow he shared Joy with Fawaz. And

influenced him self spending that timetrying to make him feel happy. every thinghe did brought a new smile to Fatwa's lips ,and deep inside of me, I trusted , he lovedmy son , I was impressed with his kind souland I wondered to my self . is this what is

meant by fatherly love ?

I never refused anything to buy for my son

and he almost had everything he wantedfor a seven years old child, but he wasextremely happy of what he bought forhim that day and took his things andshowed them to his grand mother trying tomake her share his sweet Joy.
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''What's happening? What's wrong ''? Iasked my self that night. I felt that I wasinvolved in a closed situation. '' Howterrible '' I whispered to my self feeling toodistracted? I couldn't sleep that night andwhen the morning sun shine enteredbetween the curtains I closed my eyes anddecided to give my soul a relaxing

confidence and encouraged myself toleave a way those troubling thought . Wedecided and agreed to be friends, justfriends.

Ironically, I became grateful for Alex thathe gave Fawaz the love of a father andhow he comfortably mange to let himsense it. He had no children but hispersonality was programmed to be a

father. His reactions to Fawaz were niceand he knew it just as much as I did.The telephone rang and my son ran to

answer that he knew he was calling, hepromised him that we will go to the beachand give him a swimming lessen.
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I talked to him after Fawaz and told methat he was on his way to take us. I was ina great conflict; on one hand I was doingall in my power to help Fawaz have thelove of a father and on the other, I wasangry, blaming and criticizing myself.It wasn't long when he arrived and

permitted him self in, calling Fawaz to

bring his swimming bag. He took his bag inone arm and grabbed him in the other andwent to the car with laughter. They werehappy. He secured him in the back seatand came back, held my hand and withoutany word, pulled me out. I couldn't imagine

how I missed him.

It was a good day, we chose a good spotin the beach and he started to order thepicnic things, then he took a small plastic

tent from the car that he brought with himand said '' Fawaz can change inside awayfrom the air currents ''.I confess and I confirm, he had a sense of

fatherhood. ''Why should I take a wayFawaz ' Joy, he deserved it '' I thought,

while watching them swimming ''.
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A thought came to me and I asked myself would it work? '' But I'll give it a try ''on our way back home, he asked me if wehad a good time and I looked at him andsaid, if? What? We had the most wonderfultime. I thank you Alex, thank you. Fawazwas a sleep at the back seat .so he heldhim and escorted me inside. He asked me

if he could put him in bed, then He went upand I showed him his room, put him on thebed, took his shoes and covered him.Looked at him and kissed his forehead.We went out of his room and silence wasall I hared, he was learning and at the front

door he tried to tell me something but heturned his face opened the door and wentout.

I noticed something. He was sad and Isaw disappointment in his eyes. That nightI did not want to think of any thing so I

went to bed with a book, Reading relaxesme.
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Over the next few days. We kept meetingwith Fawaz we became obsessed with eachother. Every little thing about him wascaught in my mind. one night, while wewere sleeping a door bell a wakened me,so I went to look from my bedroomwindow, and I saw him in his militaryuniform, so I grabbed my shawl and ran

down .I opened the door and I told me thatthey called him for a mission in irag .

I grabbed his hand and couldn't say a word

but he understood what I felt ''I'll be back''I promise '' he said. I burst into tearswhile he was getting in the car. I didn't feelthat my mother was pulling my arms to getme inside. She hugged me and I asked her'' what do you expect will happen mother?

'' She looked at me and said: can't you seehow impossible all this is? The villa wasdark and it wasn't because of the nighttime but it felt dark.
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Every night, when I laid back on my pillowI kept tossing and turning, keeping my selffrom dreaming of him. We haven't heardfrom him and he didn't call me over thenext few months until. Finally on April 1998after I had finished lunch and Fawaz hadgone to do his homework he was in thesecond grade. I sat on the sofa and

grabbed the T.V remote control when thedoor rang then I rose to open it, and I sawa tall shadow behind the smoked glassdoor. I froze for a moment but I held thedoor knob and pulled the door. I was right,it was him he was fine, he looked angelic

to me. I wanted to hug him but instead Istarted to hit him on his chest while I wascrying. '' Why did you do that, why did youleave me? '' I asked him why he was tryingto stop me from hitting him.

He held my head and hugged me. '' Let

me look at you '' he said with a smileneither of us spoke, but it was a moment Ican't forget. We did nothing more thanstand there looking at each other. Yes, thatwas not something that surprised me. I feltsecure and safe and I haven't felt that way

since.


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We went in the living room and I had thefeeling that I was walking in the dancinghall. '' Coffee? '' I asked

He nodded and said: please. But where issleepy head?

'' Homework '' I replied. '' Can I go andsee him? '' He asked. He didn't wait for myreply, and climbed the stairs. I heardFawaz's screaming from Joy. while I wasmaking coffee, I remembered that it wasmy birthday , I was 30 , but I felt like I was

60 . '' I'm here '' he said in the kitchen. Ifelt his eyes on the back of my head. Iturned to him and gave him his coffee. Hegazed at me and said '' I finally found thestrength to ask you something '' ''what? '' Iasked.

Do I mean anything to you? I had justcome to the point where I was able to trustmy self and I replied '' do you really needan answer? '' Do you know that you rarelyleave my thoughts? I can see you and hearyour voice every where. I'm fond of you.

And I never knew love like the love I feel
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for you.'' then let's get married '' he said. Iremained beside him. I couldn't look athim. '' Promise me you will understand,please '' I said and I continued. '' Religion ''my religion. I told you before

.

This complicated every thing.Complicated? He asked, I turned towardshim and I asked him '' will you be aMuslim? '' He said nothing for a moment Iwas afraid. '' But, this is so wrong, whycan't we just marry. I didn't ask you to be

Christian '' he saidA Muslim woman takes a Muslim husband

only. For the first time I saw a critical lookat his eyes looking over my face and itannoyed me. '' As you wish '' he said. I loveyou and I will always love you. You are my

life, but I was born Christian and im soproud of it. I'm proud of you to and Irespect you.He walked to the living room where my

son and my mother were sitting and toldthem that he came to take us to the United

States for a visit. My mother strongly
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refused but he begged her to think. I couldfeel her staring at me. He told me that hewill call me the next morning to know ourdecision. After he had gone I set near mymother and I tried to find a way just makeher feel relieved. She gazed at me withoutspeaking, I kissed her on her forehead andI said '' please mother help me ''. '' I'm

here for you '' she said. I said to her softly,I want to go to find a solution; I want tofind a way to end my struggle. Please trustme. She kissed me back and gave me oneof her precious smiles. I rose and pickedup the telephone and called him. I couldn't

wait for him to call me tomorrow ''wonderful '' give me your passports andleave every thing to me. He said.

It felt amazing, as if the whole world waschanging for me. before knowing Alex , Ididn't think anything mattered , I didn'tever think I had any importance . '' Finally Iwill put an end to the problem.'' I

whispered to myself I wasn't happy just to
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have a holiday to the United States but Iwas happy for two reasons, the one Imentioned before and the most importantone is to be near him.A Real change came over me , and itnever occurred to me that my son wouldtake any notice , that caught me bysurprise when he said to me '' you look

happy mama until the next day when hecame to take our passports and told us tobe ready to travel . Suddenly my motherasked for her passport to be returned, shedecided not to go.

'' Don't get your self all concerned about

me. I'll be fine honey. ''She said. I felt guiltyand my guilt made me want to please hermore than ever.

I avoided her eyes that she knew I'mgoing to find an answer. She trusted me. Ifelt more assured of my self, and I must

admit it, it was a strange feeling. We weretold that our flight is after two days, so, wekept packing when I noticed a warm smileon my son's face all day, and it wascharming. He was good at what he did, hewon our hearts.


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On the day of departure, Alex came totake us to the airport. My mother wasstrong but still I saw her eyes were full withtears. '' Goodbye mother '' I said trying topull myself together. Fawaz hugged hisgrandmother and kissed her. '' I will bringyou a present grandmother '', he said.

(do you want to know the rest ofthis novel?)

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The Withering Torture