The great British FAKE off! A baker from Seasalter has claimed that he made all the cakes for BBC favourite The Great

British Bake off.

Arnold Cartouche claims that Mary Berry called him for help after a bizarre mix up which

saw all 10 contestants end up on The Apprentice. And the contestants on The Apprentice

ended up on Big Brother.

“It was total chaos”, he told The Wind Farm from his Harbour Street Bakery, “I had to make

all the cakes, including the technical challenge. I was half dead by the end of the day”.

Cartouche claims that Mary Berry rang him after finding his number in the yellow pages and

immediately sent a taxi to collect him.

“Before I knew it, I was in the Marquee and running around like a blue arsed fly. I asked Paul

Hollywood to help but he just fixed those malevolent eyes on

me and told me to get on with it. Mary Berry wasn’t much

help either”.

He even claims that he wrote the ‘Bun Puns’ for Mel and Sue

after their writers failed to turn up as they were doing their

11+ exams that day. “You know that line that Sue always

uses – ‘Are our bakers able to rise to the bread challenge?’ – I

wrote that. I also wrote came up with ‘D’ough!’ for

everytime Catherine dropped her cake on the floor. And all

the time, I was making 10 different cakes. It was like spinning

plates – with cakes on”.

Cartouche – ‘Chaos’

Order was restored, however, when the contestants arrived back from the Apprentice

studio and were able to pose for the cameras just in time, Cartouche claimed. But the

contestants were less than grateful at his efforts, it seemed.

“James whinged that I didn’t do enough fancy stuff on his

technical challenge, and that fat one started crying when

she saw the signature bake I did for her. Brendan was very

polite, although he did try to touch my bottom every time I

walked past him”.

Cartouche says that he was paid for the day and then driven

back to Whitstable with a signed Mary Berry cook book as a

‘memento’.

Anita Baker, yesterday

Sue Perkins said, “It was a tough day. It was ironic that all the contestants ended up on the

apprentice, especially as it’s presented by Alan Sugar!......because we use a lot of sugar here,

you see”.

A grateful Paul Hollywood said, “We were very thankful for Arnold’s efforts, and I have to

admit that he is a neater baker than most of the others”.

Cricketers tazered as Police mistake match

for ‘terrorist training camp’.

Members of Whitstable cricket club were recovering in hospital yesterday after their match

against Herne Bay was raided by the anti-terrorist squad.

Stunned on-lookers looked on stunned as police descended on the ground in Chestfield and

began tazering the cricketers.

“It was horrible”, said Mavis Goodthrop, whose husband was among the injured, “The police

turned up in several vans and stormed the pitch, screaming at the players. My husband is

still in intensive care”.

Witness claim that the police’s first target was bowler Harry Diamond, who was tazered in

his run-up after police mistook his cricket ball for a hand grenade.

“They were shouting ‘Drop the fucking grenade! Drop it!! Lay on the ground!”....at Harry, the

poor thing. When he stopped and held the ball up to show it wasn’t a grenade, they zapped

him. I’ve never heard such coarse language. They all sounded like Ray Winstone”.

Worse followed as his friends ran to his rescue,

witnesses claim.

“The batsmen were the first to run to his aid”, said

umpire Ken Yeoman, “But they were immediately

tazered when police mistook their cricket bats for

grenade launching machine guns. Even the wicket

keeper was hit because Police thought he may’ve been

concealing a nuclear warhead in his keeper’s gloves. It

was utter madness”.

Within the space of a minute, every player on the field

was tazered before being dragged off for questioning.

Sgt Par Boil – “Information received”

The clubhouse was destroyed also after police convinced themselves that it was a bomb

making factory, killing two pensioners who had been making cucumber sandwiches.

Last night, the players were still recovering in hospital, and police have issued an apology for

what they described as ‘an honest mistake’.

“We were only acting on information received”, said Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable

police, “We can’t be too careful nowadays, what with all these terrorists roaming the

countryside”.

. ....ere, get this right. You know the airport Boris

Johnson wants to build in the sea? Off Whitstable?

Yeah? Ain’t gonna happen. I drink in the Marine

Hotel now, yeah – class place, Great food,

everything microwaved to perfection. Lovely. Guess

who else drinks here? Malcolm Jackson.....never

heard of him? You wouldn’t, but you may have seen

him on TV...he’s Johnson’s senior policy advisor.

Yeah, basically makes Johnsons decisions for him.

And guess what......the new airport they’ve been

banging on about is going to be in – Tankerton! Yeah, perfect, innit? Think about it. Tankerton is just

one long road that goes all the way from the roundabout to Jo Jo’s place up the other end. They’re

gonna close the road and make it into a runway. Right length, see? Build an air traffic control tower

on the roundabout they reckon.....Tankerton, see...full of charity shops and bakeries. Gonna close

them all down and open Starbucks and another costa coffee. And M&S, and WH Smith, and JB

Sports, Anne Summers, HMV....gonna make Tankerton a bit metropolitan. Turn the slopes into a ski

resort. They’re using that machine that Kate Bush used in that song to make the snow. She’s local.

Drives a BMW. K 13USH is her number plate. Worthless at the moment.....Tankerton, that is, not

Bush’s beamer....see, this is why Harris and Hoole want to open a coffee shop in town, innit?

Diversion plan. While everyone’s trying to shut that down, they’re buying up the shops in Tankerton.

Think about it. Tesco metro’s already there, and before you know it, Boris Johnson’s airport will be

there. That’s what his mate thinks, got pissed and started mouthing off in the Marine. Nice place.

Great food......

Sweary’s FREE

gift! Cut out

and stick on

someone’s car

next time they

park like a....

Man wins right to ride camel through town

A man from Swalecliffe has finally won his right to ride a camel through Whitstable and

surrounding areas.

Canterbury Council initially refused to grant Victor Murphy, of Goodwin Crescent, a licence to use a camel as

transport on health and safety grounds.

But Murphy launched an appeal with the high court in Strasbourg and

this week saw the ruling overturned. Canterbury Council immediately

said they would appeal the decision.

Councillor Marjory Barjory, head of Ungulate transport facilities, said,

“We will stick by our decision. We have been generous in the past about

issuing animal transport licences, but after the incident involving the

Elephant last year, we had to re-think and our decision remains the

same”.

Murphy and his Camel, yesterday

Last year, a man from Seasalter was granted a licence to ride his Indian Elephant to work, but it ended in

tragedy when a church mouse ran out in front of it, causing it to rampage through town, killing people and

injuring dozens of others. Noel Edmonds was flown in specially to shoot it.

Murphy said, “This is a great day for Camel owners everywhere. They’re cheap to run, environmentally friendly

and, as you know, don’t use much water. Lol!”.

Murphy added, “I shall all also change my name now to Lawrence O’farabia, but people can call me ‘Larry’ if

they wish”.

Whitstable and Camels: The Facts

Harbour Street Newsagents is the only shop in Whitstable that sells Camel cigarettes

The rock band ‘Camel’ are said to have come from Canterbury (Which is near

Whitstable), but they didn’t. When recently asked if any member of the band had ever

heard of Whitstable (Which is near Canterbury), their drummer said, “No”.

The humps on a camel’s back do not contain water, as is often believed. They carry fat

which they use to keep them warm in the winter. It gets very cold in Whitstable during

the winter, and if camels lived here, they’d have the lowest fuel bills in town.

An anagram of Camel is Clam, if you take away the ‘E’. Clams are sometimes mistaken

for Oysters, and many visitors to Whitstable are often disappointed to learn that Clams

can only be bought in Yorkshire, and some parts of North Scotland. There are no plans

as yet to import Clams to Whitstable

If someone describes the weather as ‘Clammy’ – don’t worry, you’re not likely to be

rained on by camels falling from the sky, like in biblical times! It simply means that the

weather is hot and humid. It’s sometimes called ‘Muggy’ also, but don’t worry – you’re

unlikely to be mugged by a Camel!

Sofa still sought after bus driver becomes latest victim

A bus driver has become the latest victim of the rogue abandoned sofa that has been

terrorising Seasalter.

57 year old Buster Driver claims that the sofa tried to rob him when he pulled up at a

scheduled stop in Faversham Road.

“It was sheer bad luck”, the father of 11 told The Wind Farm,

“The Whitstable to Faversham bus only runs three times a year,

and on the one occasion that I drove the bus, the sofa was

waiting for me”.

Driver claims that the sofa leapt out from behind a bush and

grabbed him around the neck, demanding money. Luckily,

several passengers stepped in and managed to free Driver from

the sofa’s grip and wrestle him outside the bus before the sofa

made its escape across the marshes towards the caravan park.

Driver – ‘Sheer bad luck’

Driver was unharmed but was said to be ‘shaken’ by the ordeal. Police carried out a search

for the sofa but Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police admitted, “It could be anywhere by

now. But we haven’t given up. We can’t have rogue sofas roaming the countryside”.

“Keep Calm And Read The Wind Farm” Mugs

celebrate a year of not being bought by anyone.

Champagne flowed at Wind Farm towers this week as staff and writers

celebrated the anniversary of the ill fated “Keep Calm...” mugs.

The mugs, pictured left, were hastily printed up on the back of the “Keep Calm” craze that began a

lot longer ago than people actually realised, and was effectively dead in the water by the time they

were printed.

A source at The Wind Farm said, “We couldn’t give them away. We were mugs to have them printed

up in the first place”.

“Still, they’re good for mixing eggs and throwing at Seagulls”, he added.