Cartoon crabs replace real ones as

population dwindles

Crabbing enthusiasts landing animated crabs

Canterbury council were slammed this week after paying an animator £40,000 to make fake crabs in

Whitstable.

The artist, Jason Herring, was hired after sales of crabbing lines

plummeted following a decrease in the crab population of

Whitstable and Herne Bay. A mystery disease is said to be wiping

the crab population out, and Canterbury council were said to be

‘desperate’ to save the multi thousand pound industry.

Despite the criticism, Cllr Marjory Barjory was quick to defend her

decision.

“It’s simple economics”, she told us, “The crabbing industry is

worth £200,000 to the local economy and we rely heavily upon

sales of crab lines and little buckets. Early trials have been

successful and Herring is such a good animator that children can

barely tell the difference between his animated crabs and the real ones. Some of his creations even

talk, which has pleased children no end!”.

However, concern has been growing that the crab population could soon be wiped out by the

untimely arrival of the deadly eraser lobster.

The lobster (latin name purgamentum lobstercus), looks like an ordinary lobster, except for its claws

which are made out of staedtler erasers.

The transformation took place when a large colony of lobsters who were living beneath a waste

outlet pipe besides the Staedtler factory in Ramsgate became infected with rubbery waste. Over

time, their claws turned to rubber and have since been the scourge of all animated fish, including

Nemo.

“Ever wondered why there wasn’t a sequel to Nemo?”, asked Herring, who drew Dory the fish as

well as Bruce the shark in the original Nemo fim, “It’s because Nemo and his dad and most of the

turtles were rubbed out by the eraser lobsters. We just hope that doesn’t happen in Whitstable”.

Cllr Marjory Barjory said, “As far as we know, no crabs have been rubbed out by the lobsters yet, and

we are keeping a close on the situation. We may have to put up nets to prevent the lobsters from

reaching the cartoon crabs”.

Whitstable residents ‘Getting older’ –

shock report reveals

Most Whitstable folk will grow old and die – Predicts grim report

They say, “I’m not getting any younger” – and in Whitstable’s case, it’s true. Research has discovered

that we are all going to get older and die.

The shock revelation was announced by Professor Eugene Flake of The

University of West Tankerton this week – and so far, few experts have

disagreed. Studying a group of people aged between 60 and 78, Flake

(Right) discovered that eventually they would die after a period of

what he described as ‘Aging’.

“It seems that it’s a gene that we all have”, he told The Wind Farm,

“And all the deaths were caused by what I call “Getting Older”.

My studies have shown that it happened to 60% of the group, and will

no doubt happen to the other 50%. Quite simply, we are all going to

die when we are around 75 – 90 years old. Unless you get run over by a lorry tomorrow”.

The news came as little surprise to local residents whom The Wind Farm spoke to on the streets of

Whitsable.

Gladys Lindsay, 66, said “I suspected this to be the case. A few of my friends have died, and my

parents died when they were in their 80s. So Flake is probably right”.

Forget-me-not centre manager Carole McBarrell, said “Professor Flake really is a knobber. I could

have told him that people die when they get older. I’d just show him my accounts for the year and

he’d soon see. What a wanker”.

Ask Sweary (About The

Beatles)

Dear Sweary – On Maxwell’s Silver Hammer, McCartney starts to

giggle on the line that says “Writing 50 times....”. What was he

laughing at? R.Daltry, Surrey

Sweary Says – Ah yes. I think he was still laughing at the fact

that Yoko Ono had been injured in a car crash the day before. Lennon was in hospital

when McCartney recorded this song, so he seized the opportunity to get it recorded whilst

Lennon wasn’t around to object. But it was probably something to with Ono being hurt.

Dear Sweary – do you remember Joey Deacon from Blue Peter? You know the one whose

‘carer’ conned loads of children out of money trying to raise money for him? Well, I heard

that Joey Deacon pulled that face after seeing a picture of Lennon doing it. Is this true? G.

Andthepacemakers – Liverpool

Sweary Says – Absolutely bang on. Yes indeed,

Deacon’s carer taught him how to pull that face

after seeing Lennon do it in the picture on the

right. It must have worked, as Deacon and his

carer raised enough dough to go to New York to

see the Harlem Globetrotters twice that year!

Dear Sweary – Lennon famously said once that Ringo ‘Wasn’t even the best drummer in the

Beatles’.....so, who was? – J. Brown – London

Sweary Says – RINGO, you Twunt! Lennon was just trying to be funny. Pffft...

Dear Sweary – On ‘Lovely Rita’, if you listen really carefully, you can hear a ‘Pop’ sound right

after he sings ‘had a laugh and over dinner’. I heard that it was Harrison farting. Is this true?

– P. Townsend, Shepherd’s Bush

Sweary – ah yes, good ol’ Shagger Harrison! There are many legends about him and yes,

that pop sound is indeed Harrison letting one off. He was born with an underdeveloped

sphincter muscle and his farts were never louder than a champagne cork popping.

Dear Sweary – Are there really 4,000 holes in Blackburn Lancashire? – K. Richard, London

Sweary Says – Yes mate – all in their defence! Meeeeh! Meh!

Meh!

Where’s Wallace? Hello, hello, hello.....what’s Wallace up to THIS week?

Mmmmm? Look at the picture closely. Looks a bit shifty,

doesn’t he. Has he just stolen that chair? There’s no price

tag on it, so it could have been stolen.

Check your furniture. Do YOU have chair missing? Where

was this picture taken? Looks a bit like The Dukes’

courtyard. Did YOU see Wallace there recently? Did he

steal YOUR chair when you went to get another drink....

And who’s the little child in the picture? Is it YOURS? Looks

like Wallace is about to knock him over. Was YOUR kid

knocked over by a man carrying a chair recently?

Let us know where Wallace was when this picture was taken and we’ll send you a FREE ‘Keep

calm and read The Wind Farm’ mug......

Man cut in half by spring loaded cake tin.

Tragedy as cake maker dies in freak accident.

Tesco have recalled their range of spring loaded cake tins this

week, after a man from Seasalter was cut in two whilst using

one. Gerald Butters died instantly when he released the spring

from the tin as his widow explained.

“He’d just made a lemon drizzle cake and was waiting for it to

cool before releasing it. He then flipped the spring and the

whole ring just whipped open and caught him in his midriff. He

was split clean in two, like the scientist in that Omen film”, she

cried, “He was only 57”.

A spring loaded cake tin, yesterday

A spring loaded cake tin, like the one above, should release its outer wall when the catch is pulled

away, and the cake is then free to move. But the Tesco cake tins have been ‘snapping’ away, with

some shooting as much as three foot in the air. A woman from Liverpool was decapitated in March

when hers ‘snapped’ and an entire family from Bude were wiped out after a similar incident.

“Spring loaded cake tins are deadly”, said Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police, “And I would

recommend that home bakers everywhere use the non-spring loaded variety that simply slip down

the side of the cake when it’s cool. We can’t have this sort of thing going on n Whitstable”.

Pierpoint Road sign

stolen – again! Albert Pierrepoint memorabilia reaching record prices

Police have launched in investigation into the theft of the famous Pierpoint Road sign in

Whitstable.

The sign , on the corner by the junction with Borstal Hill, was stolen last Friday by what

witnesses described as ‘Two men in a white van’. They were seen by a local man walking his

dog, and his quick thinking saved the other sign from being stolen.

Retired cave painter Bob Tablecloth said, “I saw two men remove the sign on the right hand

side and they were about to nick the other one when I shouted, “Oi You! Stop or I’ll make a

citizen’s arrest...”.....at which point they both scarpered’.

There has been a sharp increase in Pierrepoint memorabilia

ever since a recently discovered document revealed that

Albert Pierrepoint, Britain’s last hangman, was good friends

with Elvis Presley and invented the recipe for the ‘Golden

Loaf’, which eventually killed him.

Where the sign used to be, Friday

Police have praised Tablelcoth for his vigilance but have warned the public not to tackle

anyone seen stealing Albert Pierrepoint memorabilia.

Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable Police said, “Ultimately, it’s worthless because it’s spelled

wrong, but then most thieves who steal metal can’t read anyway! LMAO”

Pierpoint Road resident Arthur Bodwin said, “This is terrible for Pierpoint Road. Whoever

stole it deserves hanging! .....Or sending to Borstal”.

Borstal Hill: The Facts

Borstal Hill is the main road in and out of Whitstable and does not have a borstal or

any other kind of prison on it. ‘Borstals’ were invented in Borstal, near Rochester,

which is on a hill very similar to Borstal Hill in Whitstable.

The Whitstable version has one pub on it and a Windmill at the top. There is also a

fire station at the bottom and a small nursery opposite that. There is an electronic

speed sign at the top of Borstal Hill which ‘maxes out at 62 mph’ according to local

chavs who have tested it. Pierpoint road is so-named because residents could

apparently see Herne Bay pier from their homes before being blown down by the

1987 hurricane (The pier, not their homes).

Canterbury Council’s proposed charges in full: How

will the new ‘Citizen Bullshit Tax’ affect YOU?

It was revealed this week that Canterbury Council were planning on charging residents of

Cromwell Road to use their own footpath, as well as £122 to park their vehicles.

However, cash strapped councillors have now pledged to ‘review’ the situation whilst they come

up with some other phantom charges, known as the ‘Citizen Bullshit Tax’.

But The Wind Farm have obtained a leaked document from a local councillor known only as Mr

X, which clearly shows new charges that had been agreed upon by the council and plans are

afoot to introduce them on Friday night when everyone’s down the pub.

They include:

£30 a month to leave your wheelie bins out

£30 a month if you sleep more than 6 hours a night

£50 a month if your first name rhymes with a cheese which also happens to be your

surname (Bella Mozarella, Heather Cheddar, Milton Stilton etc)

A ‘Toilet Tax’ where home owners are charged £10 every time they use their loos

A ‘Pet tax’ – Pet owners will be charged £15 for every Cat / Dog they own. Owners of

any pets that have had a leg amputated will be exempt

£15 for every time someone is caught thinking about Buffalos

£20 a month to sit outside Windy Corner Stores, reading the Guardian and saying ‘Haw

Haw Haw’

£20 a month if your beard / moustache are two different colours. And that includes

men as well.

A ‘Ginger Tax’ of £40 a month if you have red hair, and an additional £10 if your freckles

are darker than the colour on the card that the new ‘Freckle inspector’ has

A ‘Deli Tax’ – you will pay £10 a week if you sit outside Dave’s Deli for more than two

hours a day

A ‘Sunset Tax’ - £20 a month if you post more than 5 pictures of a Whitstable sunset on

facebook

£20 a month to use facebook

£40 a month if you chain yourself to a tree and own a loudhailer

£50 a month for being in a covers band that plays ‘Mustang Sally’. Bands with original

material are exempt.

£80 a month if you speak to Fay Ripley more than twice a week.

Cllr Marjory Barjory (Below) said, “These are tough times but we have to pull together. If the

public want good service from Canterbury Council, they’ll fucking well have to pay for it”

Councillor Barjory – ‘Tough times’