Googies praised for alerting

Inland Revenue about Starbucks

A popular coffee shop in Folkestone was praised this week for

blowing the whistle on tax dodgers Starbucks.

Googies art cafe / bar in Rendezvous

Street first alerted the government to

Starbucks’ tax dodging shenaningans after

placing a sign outside their cafe saying

‘We pay our taxes and STILL make better

than Starbucks’.

It was by pure chance that MP Margaret

Hodge saw this and immediately contacted Starbucks chairman

and demand he explain himself to a public accounts committee.

“I had no idea that this sort of thing was going on”, said Hodge,

“I just happened to be on my way to the hairdressers when I

saw the sign. I asked Keith what this was all about and he said

that Starbucks don’t pay tax. The fucking cheek of it”.

Keith Holland, who co-owns the popular hang out with partner

of 30 years Steve Rees said, “What’s right is right, right? If they

spent more time making coffee rather than dodging taxes,

they’d learn how to make a decent coffee instead of that God

awful shit they make. Not that I’ve ever been there”.

Hodge said, “We need more people like Keith and Steve to be

vigilant about these tax dodging corporations. Heaven knows,

it’ll be Amazon and Google before we know it! LOL!”

Starbucks’ chief financial officer Troy Alstead said, “We would

have got away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids”.

A couple of ramblers have

spoken of their horror at

being attacked by the rogue

sofa that has been terrorising

people around Seasalter.

Alec and Karen Marsh were

enjoying a Sunday afternoon

stroll along the saxon shore

way when they claim that the

sofa leapt on Alec and tried to

‘Bum him off’.

“He pinned my husband to

the ground and said, ‘You sure

have got a pretty mouth,

boy’...and tried to take his

pants down”.

However, the sofa was seen

off by a man passing in his

canoe with a bow and arrow.

A grateful Karen Marsh said,

“If it wasn’t for this man, my

husband could have been

seriously injured”.

Sgt Harold Par Boil said, “We

are doing all we can to find

this sofa, but so-far we

haven’t had any leads. Ha!

See what I did there!?”.

The Wind

Farm The Truth, The Half Truth and Anything But The Truth....

Issue 84 includes....

Ask Sweary ...

That Pissed Bloke From

The Marine Hotel...

Speaking Words Of

Wisdom...From inside the

Whitstable Helmet...

The BIG story! – with

Sandy Pandy...

Rogue sofa

attacks again

Whitstable

florist voices

concerns for

Ocean Finance

actor’s future.

A florist from Whitstable

has launched a charity

aimed at raising money for

acting lessons for anyone

who appears in finance

ads.

Jane Helena Farquar, of Albert

Street Flowers, launched the

campaign after watching the

advert where the bloke has a

lightbulb on his head.

“I feel terribly sorry for these

actors”, she said, “I feel sure

that, with the proper training,

they could pull off

Shakespeare at the Globe”.

Farquar plans on starting

flower arranging classes and

has pledged that 60% of her

fee will go towards JAFFA

(Jane’s action fund for finance

actors).

Neil Flack, who plays that

bloke with the large light bulb

on his head said, “This is

terrific news for struggling

finance adverts everywhere.

That light bulb is heavier and

hotter than it looks. I had hair

before those adverts”.

Michelin Star Awards ‘Rigged’ - says local

Chef.

A local pub chef has accused the Michelin awards of being

‘corrupt’ after losing out again.

Robert Merch, head chef of The Fictional Arms in Albert Street

accused the panel of ‘taking back handers from the restaurants

that make good money’ in order to achieve the prestigious

award.

“Everyone knows that the mark of a good restaurant is how

quickly the head chef can slice and onion”, he said, “I can slice

a big Spanish onion – without even looking at it – in under 5

seconds”.

The ability to humiliate waitresses, get commis chefs to clean

the fat trap and buy dodgy looking mushrooms for foragers

were also skills that he claimed were ‘ignored’ by the Michelin

panel.

“Being a good chef is not all about cooking good food”, said

Robert, also known as ‘Four Finger Bobby’, ‘They need to

widen their scope a bit. I cooked fish for the Queen Mother in

1982, and I’ll wager that some of these so called Michelin

chefs hadn’t even started catering college back then”.

The BIG story

with Folkestone correspondent Sandy Pandy

It came to light this week that a Kent based recycling group was being used to

rehome unwanted family members.

The site, 'Folkestone Free Stuff', was set up so that local people could recycle

unwanted household goods and clothing, but this week members took a vote to

allow family members to be included amongst the listings for bric-a-brac and old

sofa's.

The move came about after lengthy debate on the site about the morality and

practical details about rehoming. Members voted overwhelmingly in favour of

allowing the adverts to be placed on the site, an indication of the tough times facing

households in the current financial climate.

Amongst the listings now on the site was an

advert for 'Beryl, 86'. The advertiser, Mrs Ingrid

Bred of Pond Lane, Cheriton said “Unfortunately

we have had to take this sad decision to re-

home my Mother-in-law. It breaks my heart, but

my husband has recently been made redundant

and we have had to look very hard at the family

finances and have come to the conclusion that

we can no longer afford to keep Beryl. She

comes with her own dentures and commode,

and we are sure she will make a happy addition

to a family who currently don't have their own

Grandma”.

Tommy (Left) – “House Trained”

Also being offered is 'Tommy, 13 year old male'. The listing reads 'Tommy is house

trained and comes with his own X-Box and Nike trainers'. When contacted by our

news team, his mother, Miss Barbie Made of Briggton Avenue, Folkestone said that

she was a single mother and had been forced to make this decision because of rising

food and utility prices.

“I'm a single mother with 4 mouths to feed, and after much soul-searching I have

made the decision to let Tommy go. As the eldest, Tommy consumes the most and

has been the most expensive to keep”.

She added “I'll keep the little ones for now, but who knows how circumstances may

change with this double dip recession. I'm going to make sure that any prospective

family for Tommy can provide him with a nice place to sleep and a garden to run

about in. I'm hoping that the x-box will provide an incentive for new owners to take

him on.”

Mrs P. Station of Lydd has listed 'Max, 17 months loving, happy male' on the site.

When contacted she said “Our rental contract said we weren't supposed to have

children, but we thought we'd give it a try and hoped to get away with it.

Unfortunately our downstairs neighbour reported us to the landlord after

complaining about Max's whimpering and whining when we left him in the flat all

day whilst we went out to work”.

When contacted for comment, Miss Fay Sless-Beaurocrat, of Shepway Social

Services said “We'd urge people to use common sense and do thorough checks on

prospective families for their unwanted loved ones. Times are hard and tough

decisions are having to be made, but as long as nice new homes are found for these

people it's OK Isn't it? It's better than being put down.”

Sweary’s Food Blog – Step aside Jay Rayner, there’s a new kid in town.

Every morning without fail, I pay my friend Dave Brown a visit at his Deli in Harbour Street. It’s one of those

little gems that so many eateries aspire to be, but fail. It’s a tiny place, with one chair – yes ONE chair – which

is usually occupied by some bloke who comes all the way from Herne Bay just to drink their coffee. That tells

you a lot doesn’t it? I cannot see customers of Costa making the same fackin’ pilgrimage, can you?

Dave has a sandwich board outside proclaiming that his is ‘The Best Coffee In Town’ – and few can argue. But

let’s not stop at mere coffee – the food here is fackin’ superb! A seasoned chef, Dave Brown, alongside his

sister Ali and the gorgeous Vivian (Lovely bum) serve amazing food to a loyal army of regulars who enjoy

eating it on the ‘terrace’ outside.

I cannot recommend Dave’s Tortilla highly enough, nor his carrot cake topped with orange icing which

Harriet, my beloved, described as a ‘mouthgasm’. And don’t get me started on his custard tart. Want a full

English? No problem, Dave will knock you one up from ingredients that YOU request. How many other cafes

in town do that? Here, you can buy all manner of cheese, meats, hams, biscuits, pickles, drinks and all the

ingredients that he uses in his own dishes, should you wish to emulate them. But don’t. I tried it, complete

waste of fackin’ time that was. The man’s a genius.

With yet another trendy coffee shop, Harris and Hoole, threatening to open in town, let’s embrace the

established family outlets with renewed vigour. Elliott’s, Windy Corner Stores,Tea and Times and The Beach

Cafe are all lovely family establishments, but if you want that little bit extra, the sort that The Guardian

creams over, you can do far worse than Dave’s Deli. Fackin’ magnificent 10/10

Bucket found in Cupboard may’ve belonged to Leslie Crowther.

A bucket found by a local man may have once

belonged to Lesley Crowther, he claims.

Harry Lawson, of Walmer Road, found the

bucket whilst looking for something else,

possibly another bucket, and noticed

the initials ‘L.C.’ written on the side in

marker pen.

“I was shocked at first”, the ex

window cleaner told The Wind Farm,

“To think that a bucket which once

belonged to the father-in-law of Phil

Lynot was discovered in our house

just beggars belief”.

The bucket has been taken away for analysis

by bucket historian Dennis Denis, who said,

“It’s too early to say at this stage, but we do

know that Leslie Crowther (above) lost a

bucket in 1968, according to his

autobiography. He never recovered from the

loss, and it is believed that this lead to his

alcoholism”.

The bucket’s value is said to be

anywhere between ten to twenty

thousand pounds, but the value

rocketed when it was claimed that

Lynot threw up into it after he tried

heroin for the first time.

“I just hope they find out soon”, said

Lawson, “I will probably sell it at

Sotheby’s. It’s a very exciting find”

Lawson’s enthusiasm was echoed by Denis,

who said, “Be under no illusion. This is no

ordinary bucket”.

Advert...

That Pissed Bloke From The Marine Hotel.....

Tell you what, you get to meet all sorts in Hotels. I haven’t been

home for weeks – they’ve got rooms with beds here and in the

morning, they make you breakfast!

Well, guess who I had breakfast with yesterday, huh? Only the

fackin’ CEO of Harris and Hoole Coffee shop. Now, no-one wants

it to open in town, right? Tescos own ‘em innit? But get this –

guess what trick’s they using to get people to drink there?

Huh.....? Cub scouts! Yeah, I couldn’t believe it

either....exploiting kids. You know what they do? He reckons

Tescos are going to sponsor the cub scouts to do Bob a Job

week again to get kids into peoples houses, and once they’re in

– get this – they hypnotise you. Yeah! They reckon that the cub

scouts have spent money hiring Derren Brown to teach cub

scouts how to hypnotise you in seconds. Easy they reckon. They

turn up and say “Bob a Job, missus?”. BUT – and this is the

clever part – they say ‘Drink at Harris and Hoole’, very quickly in

the middle. You only hear “Bob a Job, missus”. Old trick. Use it

in Weatherspoons to flog their food. Ever wondered why so

many people eat that shit? Even I wouldn’t eat their food. You

ask for a pint, they serve you and when they give you the

change, they say “Thank – eat our steak and chips for £4.99 –

you sir”. Before you know it, you’re having lunch there. No-one

knows about this, the CEO only told me because he was pissed,

but trust me. If a cub scout turns up on your doorstep, slam the

fucking door shut before they have a chance to say anything.

And don’t look ‘em in the eye neither. The Albert re-opens next

week. May start going back down there if they let me in.

Ask Sweary....

Dear Sweary – Would you like

to help sponsor a school

project where we make one of

them big tubes that go into the

ground and bring up water?

C.Bolton, aged 8 (Joy Lane

primary school)

Sweary – Aaah bless. Of course

I will. It’s going to be hard work,

but I think you mean well...

Dear Sweary – Someone

accused you recently of

‘exploiting’ readers of The

Wind Farm by charging £9.99

for a copy of the annual. What

do you say to them? E. John,

Whitstable

Sweary Says – Bollocks is what I

say. They’re happy to read it for

fuck all every week of the

fucking year, but get them to

put their hands in their pockets

twice a year for a book and

they shit themselves.

Dear Sweary – QPR really are

sorry sack of shit this season,

aren’t they? M. Hughes –

London

Sweary Says – Oh DO fack off,

Hughesy...

The Wind Farm Christmas Annual 2012

Available from:

Harbour Street books

Tea and Times

Dave’s Deli

And

Googies Cafe Bar, Folkestone

Buy on Line at

www.thewindfarmsuperstore.bigcartel.com