The Vicar of Bray Libretto

8/13/2019 The Vicar of Bray Libretto

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The Vicar of Bray An Original English Comic Opera in Two Acts

written by Sydney Grundy composed by Edward Solomon

Dramatis ersonae

!e"# $illiam Barlow %Vicar of Bray&!e"# 'enry Sandford %his Curate and upil&Thomas (erton) Es*# %of Bray (anor ++ another upil&(r# Bedford !owe %a Confidential ,amily Solicitor&-ohn Dory .eter iper . %Students&Samuel Spicer .,irst 'untsmanSecond 'untsman(rs# (erton %a $idow&/elly Bly %a remiere Danseuse&Cynthia .

Agatha .Blanche . %0ady Teachers&!ose .Gertrude .$inifred %the Vicar1s Daughter&

Chorus of 'untsmen) Students) 0ady Teachers) and 0adies of the Ballet#

Act# 2# ++ 0ow Church# Scene# ++ The Village Green#

Act 22# ++ 'igh Church# Scene# ++ The Vicarage Grounds#3ACT 2

SCE/E# ++ The Village Green#

C'O!4S of SC'OO0 C'20D!E/#

'urray5 hurray5 hurray5 $e1"e got a holiday5 And that is why we gaily cry) 'urray5 hurray5 hurray5

A00# 0adies and gentlemen) how do you do6BO7S# $e bring from our master a message to you#

G2!0S# Our re"erend pastor instructs us to say ++BO7S# That these are the schools of the Vicar of Bray#G2!0S# $e are the children who go to the schools ++BO7S# And this annual holiday1s one of the rules#G2!0S# At s8ipping rope ++BO7S# eg+top ++G2!0S# $e1re longing to play ++A00# So we all of us wish you a "ery good day#

'urray5 hurray5 hurray5



$e1"e got a holiday5 The cat1s away ++ the mice will play 'urray5 hurray5 hurray5

Enter 0AD7 TEAC'E!S#

C'O!4S of 0AD7 TEAC'E!S#

To a slow and stately measure) $al8ing out in single file) Sadly do we ta8e our pleasure) $or8ing slippers all the while# Ah me5 for how many preachers 'a"e we laboured6 $e forget5 $e are the young lady teachers) And we are not married yet5

AlthoughThey follow us methodically)

And they periodically

S*uee9e our hand spasmodically ++ Tantali9ing tribe5 (en who so insensible are) And so indefensible are) $ords that are reprehensible are Only can describe5

Enter $2/2,!ED#

$2/2,!ED# The old refrain5C7/T'2A) B0A/C'E# The old refrain5AGAT'A# 'ow many years ha"e we been singing it6$2/2,!ED# E"er since papa began to recei"e pupils to be prepared for their D#D# And he1s had a good many#C7/T'2A# 7es) they come and go#B0A/C'E# $e don1t#$2/2,!ED# 2t1s "ery discouraging) but don1t lose heart#C7/T'2A# 2f the Vicar changed his curate as often as his students) our prospects would be brighter: but (r# Sandford seems to be a fi;ture#$2/2,!ED# ,ortunately) papa has him on a lease#C'O!4S# A lease5$2/2,!ED# $hen he was *uite a boy) so e;emplary was his conduct) that he became my father1s fa"ourite pupil: and when he was ordained) papa determined to secure his ser"ices for a term of years#B0A/C'E# At what rent6

$2/2,!ED# ,ifty pounds per annum#AGAT'A# 2t isn1t "ery much#$2/2,!ED# True5 but you must remember that papa co"enanted to 8eep him in good order and preser"ation) and to deli"er him up on the e;piration of the term in the same e;cellent condition in which he found him#C7/T'2A# Then it1s a repairing lease#$2/2,!ED# recisely so#AGAT'A# The Vicar must ha"e thought "ery highly of him#$2/2,!ED# 'enry is a man after papa1s heart#



B0A/C'E# After yours) you mean#AGAT'A# There is no man after my heart#C7/T'2A# She wishes there was#B0A/C'E# Cynthia5 you are so unmaiden+li8e#C7/T'2A# (y dear) when men persist in being maiden+li8e) the only recourse for maidens is to be man+li8e#$2/2,!ED# 2 *uite agree with Cynthia#

SO/G# ++ $2/2,!ED#

Oh) why is my lo"e so cold to me6 Oh) why is my lo"e so blind6 'is passion he long since told to me ++ Oh) can he ha"e changed his mind6 As certain as 21m an only lass) 2 shouldn1t ha"e been so sad) 2f he had been born a lonely lass And 2 had been born a lad#

TEAC'E!S# That1s "ery true#

$2/2,!ED# $hat1s "ery true6TEAC'E!S# As certain as you1re an only lass) 7ou wouldn1t ha"e been so sad)A00# 2f he had been born a lonely lass And 2 had been born a lad#

'is lo"e for me once was strong enough ++ Oh) can it ha"e passed away6 Alac8+a+day) life1s not long enough ,or dalliance and delay# Oh5 why is my lo"e so cold to me6 Oh) why is my lo"e so coy6 A maiden had been more bold to me) 2f 2 had been born a boy#

TEAC'E!S# /o doubt of that5$2/2,!ED# /o doubt of what6TEAC'E!S# /o doubt that your lo"e is cold to you5 /o doubt that your lo"e is coy5 A maiden had been more bold to you 2f you had been born a boy#

$2/2,!ED# Come) girls) let us <oin the children#AGAT'A# E"en in its hours of recreation youth re*uires control#B0A/C'E# Besides) we may meet the students#

E=2T of $2/2,!ED and TEAC'E!S#

TEAC'E!S# All the bold and all the bad girls 'usbands without number get: $e are sober) staid) and sad girls) And we are not married yet# E;eunt#

Enter SA/D,O!D and ST4DE/TS#

C'O!4S of ST4DE/TS



On) Students) on5 On) Students of Di"inity5 Brothers in lo"e) 2f not in consanguinity5SA/D,O!D# On) Students) on5-O'/# Oh) stay) for we are weary5SA/D,O!D# $hy weary) -ohn6ST4DE/TS# The Vicar1s style is dreary#SA/D,O!D# %shoc8ed& Oh) Students) oh5ST4DE/TS# Our hapless heads are aching#SA/D,O!D# So) Students) so5ST4DE/TS# Besides our hearts are brea8ing#SA/D,O!D# ,ie) Students) fie5ST4DE/TS# $e lo"e the lady teachers#SA/D,O!D# $hy) Students) why5ST4DE/TS# They are our fellow creatures#SA/D,O!D# And from our youth up we1"e been taught By one and all our teachers) That e"ery "irtuous student ought

To lo"e his fellow creatures#A00# That e"ery "irtuous student ought To lo"e his fellow creatures#

SA/D,O!D# (y friends) let us not dwell on this distressing theme: 2 ha"e much to say to you#-O'/# 7es) 'arry) you generally ha"e#SA/D,O!D# 2 wish to unbosom myself to you on a sub<ect which has for years occasioned me the greatest distress and consternation# 2 allude to the melancholy deterioration in the moral character of my old friend and tutor) (r# Barlow#SA(4E0# $hat1s the matter with him6ETE!# 2 li8e him well enough#-O'/# Out of the lecture+room#SA/D,O!D# E"er since he was inducted into the Vicarage of Bray) he has been a changed man# /ot only ha"e the flowing periods in which he was wont to indulge gi"en place to a collo*uial diction) but that lamentable latitudinarianism which is traditionally associated with the li"ing) appears to ha"e penetrated his intellectual and spiritual nature# 'e is now 0ow Church#-O'/# $ell) so are you#SA/D,O!D# 2 was always 0ow ++ so was (r# Barlow originally: but when he became Vicar of Bray) he became Broad ++ "ery Broad ++ shoc8ingly Broad# Then he turned 0ow again) and

married the late (rs# Eleanor Ann Barlow# 2 am unable to shut my eyes to the fact that the late (rs# Barlow was also 0ow#-O'/# She had a little money) hadn1t she6SA/D,O!D# That is the painful part of the case# Distressing as it is ++ETE!# Oh) 2 say) 'arry5 %7awns#&SA/D,O!D# 2 cannot shut my eyes ++SA(4E0# And we can scarcely 8eep ours open#-O'/# $e1"e had one lecture this morning#



SA(4E0# Gi"e us a song#SA/D,O!D# 2t always affords me pleasure to accede to re*uests with which it is in my power to comply# 2 will gi"e you a song#

SO/G# ++ SA/D,O!D) with C'O!4S of ST4DE/TS#

$hen 2 was a Sunday+school scholar) 2 was an e;ample to boys) ,or 2 ne"er rumpled my collar) And 2 ne"er made any noise: 2 ne"er spo8e words out of season) 2 ne"er did anything wrong) And that) 21"e no doubt) is the reason (y youth was as happy as long# Ah) why was it happy6 because A better boy ne"er was seen: 2 was not only as good as 2 was) But as good as 2 ought to ha"e been5

ST4DE/TS# Ah) why was he happy6 etc#

2 grew up to manhood1s estate) $ithout ha"ing told an untruth: 2 practise) 21m proud to relate) The precepts 2 learnt in my youth# 2 carry them out to the letter) 21m really as good as a boo8:

2ndeed 2 am "ery much better: 2n fact) 21m as good as 2 loo85 2 re"el in pastry and <am) 21m a terrible topper at tea: 2 am not only as good as 2 am) But as good as 2 ought to be5

ST4DE/TS# 7ou may tell by the loo8 of his phi9 'e re"els in toffee and tea: ,or he is not only as good as he is) But as good as he ought to be5

>The following "erse appears in the "ocal score but not in thelibretto#?

2n me is a li"ing e;ample) Of what you should be if you can) 2 hope you will all ta8e a sample Of perhaps a phenomenal man:

,or if you don1t pay me attention 7ou1ll come to a "ery bad end# And lastly 2 may as well mention 2t1s ne"er too late to amend# Abandon the pipe and cigar And drin8 nothing stronger than tea 7ou1ll be not only as good as you are) But as good as you ought to be5

ST4DE/TS# Abandon the pipe and cigar) etc#



!e+enter O(/ES#

E/SE(B0E# ++ $2/2,!ED) V2CA!) C'20D!E/) TEAC'E!S) and ST4DE/TS#

C'20D!E/# 'urray5 hurray5 hurray5 The Vicar comes this way5 That1s why we trip and hop and s8ip) And hop and s8ip along5 'urray5 hurray5 hurray5 'e1s promised us a song5 That1s why we say) hurray5 hurray5 And may his life be long5

$2/2,!ED# 'ere comes apa5 'urrah5 hurrah5 hurrah5

TEAC'E!S# /ow let us gi"e him greeting5C'20D!E/# The first of (ay 2t is today ++

A00# So this is a (ay meeting#

4niting our "oices this morning All hail to the Vicar of Bray5

Enter V2CA!#

C'20D!E/# 0ong li"e he) his office adorning ++ 'is humble parishoners pray5TEAC'E!S# $e teachers) we send to him greeting5C'20D!E/# $e children) who go to his school5TEAC'E!S# $e members of his Dorcas meeting5ST4DE/TS# $e students who1re under his rule#

V2CA!# (y brethren) as swelleth the ocean) So swelleth my bosom today#C'20D!E/# 'e cannot control his emotion5A00# All hail to the Vicar of Bray5

SA/D,O!D# %ad"ancing& (r# Barlow) it has been publicly announced that it is your intention to oblige the company with a comic song#V2CA!# 21"e promised to tell the children how 2 came to be Vicar of Bray#SA/D,O!D# Sir) 2 would seriously as8 you to reconsider your determination#V2CA!# Certainly not#

SA/D,O!D# Then 2 will withdraw#$2/2,!ED# %approaching him& 'enry) 2 may not agree with you ++ 2 may e"en regard your scruples as @ui;otic ++ but 2 will accompany you#

E;eunt SA/D,O!D and $2/2,!ED#

-O'/# That young man gi"es himself airs#V2CA!# And yet he ob<ects to my gi"ing you one# 2 must admit) the song is scarcely of a sacerdotal character) but



/on semper tendit acrum Apollo) eh) Spicer6ST4DE/TS# 'a5 ha5 ha5V2CA!# This is the first of (ay) and 2 will unbend#

SO/G# ++ V2CA!#

7our Sandford and (erton you1"e read) 2 suppose6 2t1s a story that e"ery little boy 8nows ++ 'ow Tommy was wealthy and Tommy was bad: And 'enry) he was an e;emplary lad: Their tutor you ha"en1t forgotten) 21m sure: 'is style was didactic) his manner demure) Of language he had a magnificent flow)

And his name was the !e"erend (ister Barlow#

C'O!4S# 'is name was the !e"erend (ister Barlow#

2n -amaica the scene of the story was laid) $here the father of Thomas made money by trade) But a fe"er soon carried off Tommy1s papa)

And Tommy came o"er here with his mama# 'is clerical teacher was in the same boat) And the e;cellent 'enry was also afloat: The passage was rough) and 2 happen to 8now) Very ill was the !e"erend (ister Barlow#

C'O!4S# Very ill was the !e"erend (ister Barlow#

Together they landed in England one day) And they all settled down in the "illage of Bray) ,or there (rs# (erton) 2 ought to remar8) 'ad a beautiful mansion) and also a par8# $hat is more to the point) in her patronage lay The gift of the snug little li"ing of Bray) And into it she) her good feeling to shew)

2nducted the !e"erend (r# Barlow#

C'O!4S# 2nducted the !e"erend (r# Barlow#


/ow 'enry1s the Curate) and Tommy1s the S*uire) $hat more can their !e"erend tutor desire6 E;cept to be (aster ++ albeit a Cler8 ++ Of the beautiful mansion and also the par8: To marry his daughter to Tommy the bad)

2nstead of to 'enry) the e;cellent lad: ,or between you and me) but no further to go) An eye to the main chance has (r# Barlow#

C'O!4S# An eye to the main chance has (r# Barlow#

!e+enter SA/D,O!D#

V2CA!# 'ere again) 'enry6SA/D,O!D# 2 want to spea8 to you seriously#



V2CA!# 7ou always do# 2 wish to goodness you wouldn1t#SA/D,O!D# 2 will ma8e no further allusion to the unseemly song of which the fri"olous refrain still echoes in my ears#V2CA!# 'enry) your rounded periods irritate me# Do tal8 rationally#SA/D,O!D# 2t is you) (r# Barlow) who are responsible for the rotundity of my periods# $as it not you who instructed me6V2CA!# 7ou were a babe then) and 2 ga"e you mil8 for babes# /ow that you are a man) you ought to ha"e more common sense#SA/D,O!D# Sir) 2 would as8 you seriously to reflect whether common sense in con<unction with rectitude can reasonably be e;pected for fifty pounds per annum#V2CA!# $ell) perhaps not#SA/D,O!D# And that brings me to the point: 2 want to apply to you for an augmentation of my stipend#V2CA!# 7ou forget) (r# Sandford) that 2 ha"e you on a lease#SA/D,O!D# 2t is too true# 7ou too8 ad"antage of my ignorance of the mar8et "alue of my noble *ualities to secure the

e;clusi"e en<oyment of them for a term of years# But inasmuch as 2 am about to become your son ++V2CA!# (y son5SA/D,O!D# $inifred has <ust accepted me#V2CA!# 0oo8 here) Sandford) 21"e put up with you and your rounded periods long enough# 2 gi"e you a month1s notice# 7ou can loo8 for another curacy#SA/D,O!D# 7ou forget) (r# Barlow) that the term of our indenture has not yet e;pired#V2CA!# At least) 2 can refuse to sanction your engagement to $inifred# 2 ha"e other "iews for her#SA/D,O!D# 7ou allude to my old fellow pupil) Tommy (erton#V2CA!# /e"er mind what 2 allude to#SA/D,O!D# (r# Barlow) 2 ha"e long been a melancholy witness of your moral degeneration) but ne"er ++V2CA!# Don1t lecture me) sir#SA/D,O!D# 7ou lectured me enough in my youth) and it is only right that 2 should return the obligation# Bruised reed that 2 am ++V2CA!# Go) sir ++ go) without further argument#SA/D,O!D# Sir) 2 will go ++ 2 go in tribulation#V2CA!# 7ou may go in what you li8e) sir#SA/D,O!D# But remember) you ha"e bro8en my heart# This is a distinct breach of co"enant# 2 shall at once ha"e my in<uries assessed by a sworn appraiser) and tomorrow you will hear from my solicitor# >E;it#V2CA!# ,rom his solicitor5 As if a man on fifty pounds a year

can possibly afford a solicitor5 2 must consult !owe about this# Ah5 here he comes5 >Goes up#

C'O!4S# ++ C'20D!E/) TEAC'E!S) and ST4DE/TS#

ST4DE/TS# Bow5 Students) bow5TEAC'E!S# And ladies) curtsey low5C'20D!E/# Bob5 children) bob5A00# To (ister Bedford !owe5ST4DE/TS# $hilst some are gentlemen by birth)



And some are so by station)TEAC'E!S# $hat others are by ran8 and worth) 'e is by 0egislation#C'20D!E/# The <ustice and the common sense

Of this we ne"er saw#A00# Still let us humbly re"erence The ma<esty of law5

Bow5 Students) bow5 etc#

Enter (!# BED,O!D !O$E#

SO/G# ++ BED,O!D !O$E and C'O!4S%C'20D!E/) TEAC'E!S) and ST4DE/TS&#

21m as sharp as a ferret: ,rom dad 2 inherit A legal and logical mind: 21m as cle"er and comely As 0umley and 0umley

And 0ewis and 0ewis combined# 7ield to 0ic8fold 2 don1t) nor To $ontner and $ontner: 21m e"en with Bolton and (ote: 7ou ha"e no need to call

On ,re8e almer at all ++ 2 can row in the "ery same boat#

C'O!4S# 7ou ha"e no need to call) etc#

!O$E# /ow) witness) remember) you are on your oath ++ answer me) aye or no) were you drun8 on the occasion in *uestion6 $ell) it depends on what you call drun85 /e"er mind what 2 call drun8) sir6 Answer me) aye or no6 $ell) 21d had a glass5 Only one glass) sir6 Aye# 7es) you) sir) you5 Aye5 Answer my *uestion) sir5 21"e answered it# /o) sir: you as8ed another# 7ou said 1261 $ell) you told me to say aye or no# !eally) m1lud) in the course of my professional e;perience ++ %resumes seat#&

!O$E# A witness 21ll bustle As well as Charles !ussell) Sir Edward 2 e*ual in s8ill# 21m a 0oc8wood at lar8s And at hitting my mar8s

21m a second edition of Gill#

C'O!4S# 'e1s a 0oc8wood at lar8s) etc#

!O$E# But when one fine morning The bench 21m adorning ++ And one day 2 mean to be there ++ 7ou will find) all the 8nowledge 21"e learnt in life1s college 'as disappeared into thin air#



2n my ignorance crass 2 shall be such an ass) The grass itself won1t be as green: 2n my innocence ++ well)

2 shall fairly e;cel (ister Gilbert1s young maid of fifteen5

C'O!4S# 2n his innocence) etc#

!O$E# Spoof6 $hat is spoof6 Spoof) m1lud) is a slang term) signifying ++ Slang5 what is slang6 Slang) m1lud) is a sort of spo8en shorthand) compressing the greatest possible *uantity of meaning into the smallest possible *uantity of words ++ a summing+up) in fact) m1lud# 2 do not find any mention of the word) spoof) in -ohnson1s Dictionary# /o) m1lud) the word is not to be found in -ohnson) 2 admit# 2f your ludship pleases) may 2) as amicus curiae) be permitted to e;plain that spoof is the name collo*uially

applied to the game that lawyers play with their clients# Oh) than8 you) (r# 0oc8wood ++ now 2 understand# 2f y1ludship pleases#

!O$E# But about my pretense Of supreme innocence There1ll be <ust a suspicion of fudge ,or the baby unborn 2s not such a greenhorn As the octogenarian <udge5

C'O!4S# ,or the baby unborn) etc#

V2CA!# And now) my young friends) 2 must as8 you to lea"e me for a few moments) as 2 ha"e important business with my confidential family solicitor#

C'O!4S# Good morning) dear Vicar) good morning#

E;eunt Chorus#

!O$E# 7ou sent for me5V2CA!# 7es) !owe5 2 want to consult you generally as to my affairs# ,irstly) as you are aware) 2 ha"e some thoughts of marrying (rs# (erton# She is a widow ++ 2 am a widower#!O$E# She has money ++ you ha"e none#

V2CA!# recisely5 !owe) what 2 li8e about you is your happy 8nac8 of coming to the point without any circumlocution# 7ou are the confidential family solicitor of the late Thomas (erton#!O$E# ,ormerly of -amaica) sugar planter# 2 was#V2CA!# $hat 2 want to 8now is) does or does not (rs# (erton1s property re"ert to her late husband1s estate in the e"ent of her re+marriage6!O$E# 2t does not#V2CA!# 7ou1re *uite sure6



!O$E# Drew the will myself#V2CA!# Good5 Secondly) 2 wish to marry $inifred to Tommy (erton#!O$E# Capital match5 7ou couldn1t do better5V2CA!# 4nfortunately) Tommy has set his affections on the premiere danseuse of the corps de ballet of the Theatre !oyal ++ a notorious young person ++!O$E# /elly Bly5V2CA!# 7ou 8now her6!O$E# 2 am her confidential family solicitor#V2CA!# To ma8e matters worse) $inifred has ta8en it into her head to fall in lo"e with my curate# 7ou 8now Sandford6!O$E# 2 am his confidential family solicitor#V2CA!# !owe) what 2 li8e about you is) that you1re e"erybody1s solicitor5 7ou must 8now 2 ha"e Sandford for a term of years#!O$E# Didn1t 2 draft the indenture myself6V2CA!# So you did5 Conse*uently 2 can1t gi"e him notice: and yet 2 can do nothing to bring matters between $inifred and Tommy to a head whilst he is in the neighbourhood#

!O$E# 7ou want me to get rid of him6V2CA!# !owe) your happy 8nac8 of coming to the point is truly wonderful#!O$E# 2t1s the simplest thing in the world# Sandford is conscientious# 'e is a prig) but he is a conscientious prig#V2CA!# !owe) your happy 8nac8 of calling a spade a spade ++!O$E# 'e is 0ow Church#V2CA!# 'e is#!O$E# 7ou are also 0ow Church6V2CA!# 2 am#!O$E# But you are a time+ser"er#V2CA!# !owe) your offensi"e habit of calling a spade a spade ++!O$E# 2 spea8 as between attorney and client# Turn 'igh Church#V2CA!# $hat then6!O$E# Sandford will of his own accord resign his curacy#V2CA!# A capital idea5 (y dear !owe) you1re an ornament to your profession#!O$E# (y dear Barlow) we1re a pair of ornaments#

(!S# (E!TO/ %without&# 'as anyone seen the ytchley pac86 'as anyone met the @uorn6 Or a handsome youth on a horse1s bac8) $ho carries a bugle horn6

V2CA!# The widow) 2 declare5

Enter (!S# (E!TO/#

(!S# (# Good morning) gentlemen#V2CA!# (y dear (rs# (erton5(!S# (# 'a"e you seen Tommy6 2 feel sure some dreadful accident has happened# 'e will go out hunting) and he doesn1t 8now how#



!O$E# 'unting in (ay5(!S# (# 2t doesn1t matter what the season is) it1s all the same to him#V2CA!# 7our son was always fond of ha"ing his own way#(!S# (# Ah) (r# Barlow5V2CA!# Ah) (rs# (erton5(!S# (# 2f he1d only settle down5 2f he1d marry $inifred5V2CA!# Ah) (rs# (erton5(!S# (# Ah) (r# Barlow5!O$E# E;cuse me for interrupting you# 7ou wish your son to marry (r# Barlow1s daughter# $hy not ma8e him6(!S# (# 'ow6!O$E# Simplest thing in the world# 7ou ha"e a general power of appointment o"er your late husband1s estate# Threaten to disinherit him#(!S# (# A happy thought5 'ow can 2 than8 you6V2CA!# !owe) as a confidential family solicitor) 2 don1t 8now your e*ual#

T!2O# ++ (!S# (E!TO/) V2CA!) and !O$E#

!O$E# /ow) if you1ll e;cuse me) 21ll wish you good day 21"e a sort of a feeling that 21m in the way#(!S# (# Oh) dear me) no5V2CA!# /ot a bit of it) !owe#!O$E# 2 am perfectly certain that 2 am de trop#

V2CA!# Oh) Bedford) what nonsense5 now) don1t run away5(!S# (# (y dear (r# !owe) 2 implore you to stay#!O$E# Oh) dear me) no) 2 had much rather go# 2t is perfectly e"ident 2 am de trop#

E/SE(B0E#

!O$E# 2t is perfectly e"ident 2 am de trop#(!S# (# ,or goodness sa8e) don1t be absurd) (r# !owe#V2CA!# There isn1t the slightest occasion to go#

E;it !O$E#

V2CA!# $e are alone5 the lawyer1s gone at last5(!S# (# $e are alone5 $hy beats my heart so fast6

D4ET# ++ (!S# (E!TO/ and V2CA!#

V2CA!# (y dear (istress (erton) pray cease these alarms5

(y re"erend office suspicion disarms# This coyness is prompted by e;cellent taste) But neither of us has a moment to waste) So don1t shilly+shally) but wed while you can5(!S# (# Go along with you) will you) you obstinate man5V2CA!# Oh) wal8 in the footsteps of Eleanor Ann5

(!S# (# 7ou 8now "ery well you1"e been married before) And the late (istress Barlow had beauty galore) $hate"er) such being the case) can you see



To admire in a middle+aged widow li8e me6V2CA!# The late (istress Barlow was nothing to you)(!S# (# Oh) you obstinate man) go along with you) do)V2CA!# Oh) put yourself into Ann Eleanor1s shoe#

V2CA!# (atilda) enough of this e;cellent taste) And let me encircle that matronly waist5 !emember the time will be soon out of <oint) So don1t shilly+shally) but come to the point5 Oh) come to the arms that are waiting for you5(!S# (# Oh) you e;cellent man) 2 don1t mind if 2 do)V2CA!# $ell) 21m sure that is *uite the best thing you can do#

They dance off#

!e+enter $2/2,!ED and SA/D,O!D

$2/2,!ED# 7ou1"e spo8en to papa6SA/D,O!D# And he refuses to accord his sanction to our betrothal: but this trifling circumstance does not alter my

determination to ma8e you my wife#$2/2,!ED %embracing him&# Dearest5SA/D,O!D %withdrawing) shoc8ed&# $e are not married yet) $inifred) and 2 cannot conscientiously permit demonstrations of affection which ha"e not recei"ed the sanction of a ci"il and religious ceremony#$2/2,!ED# 'arry5SA/D,O!D# (y name is 'enry: and the familiar contraction of my baptismal appellation is painfully suggesti"e of theatrical and sporting publications of a pernicious character#$2/2,!ED# 'ow happy we shall be together5SA/D,O!D# 7ou are indeed a fortunate woman# All that /uttall1s Dictionary can do to ma8e you happy) shall be done#$2/2,!ED# But 'arry ++ 'enry5 A dreadful thought occurs to me5 Are you your own to gi"e away6SA/D,O!D# 2t is true that your father held me for a term which has yet some years to run: but he has repudiated his co"enants) so 2 ha"e re+entered and determined the lease#$2/2,!ED# But) in that case) what shall we li"e upon6SA/D,O!D# There is a considerable sum due for dilapidations#$2/2,!ED %about to embrace him again&# 'arry5SA/D,O!D %putting her aside&# $inifred) 2 cannot allow it# The utmost that 2 can permit you to do is <oin me in a duet ++ which 2 ha"e desired the composer to arrange in such a fashion that 2 shall appear to greater ad"antage than

you#

D4ET# ++ $2/2,!ED and SA/D,O!D#

SA/D,O!D# Tell me) and oh tell me true) lo"e) $ill thy heart be e"er mine6 Tell me) will those eyes of blue) lo"e) E"er on my path+way shine6 0ife is not a marriage measure: Though our spirits bound awhile)



0o"e is pain as well as pleasure) And must weep as well as smile:

E/SE(B0E#

SA/D,O!D# Tell me) and oh tell me true) lo"e) $ith thy blue eyes fi;ed on mine) /aught shall come between us two) lo"e ++ Come between my heart and thine5$2/2,!ED# 7es) 21ll tell thee) tell thee true) lo"e) $ith my blue eyes fi;ed on thine) /aught shall come between us two) lo"e ++ Come between thy heart and mine5

$2/2,!ED# 7es) 2 tell thee) tell thee true) lo"e) Thou art mine and 2 am thine5 0oo8 into mine eyes of blue) lo"e) And my inmost heart di"ine# She who lo"eth) lo"eth e"er) Through the sunshine) through the rain)

0o"eth on without endea"our# Though her heart be only pain#

E/SE(B0E#

SA/D,O!D# Tell me) and oh tell me true) lo"e) etc#$2/2,!ED# 7es) 21ll tell thee) tell thee true) lo"e) etc#

E;eunt#

Enter C'O!4S of '4/TS(E/) led by TO((7 (E!TO/#

C'O!4S of '4/TS(E/#

-olly) <olly huntsmen) huntsmen we5 7ou should see us riding 1cross countree5 'unting with the ytchley) hunting with the @uorn) 7oi8s) tally+ho) boys5 sound the bugle horn5

SO0O# ++ TO((7 (E!TO/#

Our chorus is somewhat peculiar erhaps you1"e not heard it before) But if you won1t thin8 we unruly are) $e1ll presently gi"e you some more# To tell the truth of the matter

$e1re none of us huntsmen at all)

$e only create a great clatter And hulloa and halloa and bawl#


$e <oin in the meet and "iew hallo And then we are prudently dumb ,or if we attempted to follow To grief we should certainly come#



Although as fo; hunters we1re painted Our portraits are hanging at home The brush with which we are ac*uainted 2s that which is used with a comb#

$e purchased these pictures*ue raiments) Though there no more huntsmen than earls) %And settle by *uarterly payments& Because it goes down with the girls# $e flatter oursel"es) our collecti"e Appearance is rather the thing: The bugle horn1s "ery effecti"e) And that1s why we halloa and sing#

'4/TS(E/# -olly) <olly huntsmen) huntsmen we5 etc#

TO((7 %mopping his forehead&# hew5 This is "ery hard wor85ST '4/TS(A/# And no girls to hear us#TO((7# /ot yet) but they1ll be here directly#/D '4/TS(A/# $ho6

TO((7# /elly Bly and the Corps de Ballet#ST '4/TS(A/# 'ere6/D '4/TS(A/# At the Vicarage6TO((7# The Corps de Ballet of the Theatre !oyal) horror+struc8 by the schisms and dissensions in the Church) ha"e formed themsel"es into a Co+operati"e Clerical !eform Association) and they are coming to inter"iew the Vicar# 'ere they are#

Enter CO!S DE BA00ET#

C'O!4S and SO0OS# ++ AGAT'A and C7/T'2A and CO!S DE BA00ET#

CO!S DE BA00ET#

lease to ma8e way for us) please to ma8e way5 $ay for a Terpsichorean display5 Don1t be alarmed) we are clothed to the feet 2n a becoming accordion pleat5

C7/T'2A# 2nto place sliding) Gracefully gliding) Eyeing the house with a languid eye) Soberly setting) And pirouetting Oh) did you e"er see maids so shy6AGAT'A# etticoats twin8ling)

Gi"e me but an in8ling) (odest and mystic) of an8les and feet:BOT'# ,lounces ad libit) 2s all we e;hibit 4nder the modern accordion pleat#A00# etticoats twin8ling) etc#

Enter /E007 B07#

DA/CE#



!e+enter O(/ES#

C'O!4S ++ TEAC'E!S and ST4DE/TS#

Oh5 shoc8ing sight to met a pious eye5 Spea8) someone spea85 this scandal <ustify5

V2CA!# Surely 2 8now some of these young ladies6AGAT'A# 7es) Vicar) 2 used to be one of your lady teachers#C7/T'2A# And 2#B0A/C'E# And 2#V2CA!# 2 thought 2 recognised you# 7ou ha"e left the Sunday school6C7/T'2A# $ell) of course) we only <oined the Sunday school to try and get husbands#B0A/C'E# And we tried hard#V2CA!# 7ou did ++ you did# 2 obser"ed your efforts#AGAT'A# But they failed#C7/T'2A# So we went on the stage#

V2CA!# And "ery nice you loo8 in your new dresses# But bless me5 2 was under the impression that on the stage young ladies wore ++ mind you) 2 ha"e not seen them ++ 2 ha"e only seen pictures#/E007# ictures of what6V2CA!# $ell) of this sort of thing#/E007# Ah) that was before the in"ention of the con"oluted s8irt# /owadays we lea"e that sort of thing to the bishops#V2CA!# $ho is this young person6/E007# /elly Bly) your re"erence#V2CA!# The name sounds familiar# 2s it possible that you are the young lady who) on a memorable occasion) shut her eye6/E007# 7es) 2 was "ery young then# 2t1s been opened since#V2CA!# 2 am delighted to meet you: but what brings you here6/E007# The ladies of the corps de ballet ha"e come to in"ite you to a tea party which they are about to gi"e to the clergy of the surrounding parishes# There will be ca8es and buns) after which we shall address you#V2CA!# 7ou will address the clergy6/E007# $hy not6 7ou1re always trying to impro"e us: why shouldn1t we try to impro"e you6 2 come to hear you preach twice a wee8) but you ne"er come to see me dance# 2 don1t call that fair#V2CA!# 2t is not fair# There is a great deal of common sense in this young lady1s obser"ations#

SA/D,O!D# 2f 2 might be allowed) 2 should li8e to say a few words#V2CA!# /o doubt) 'enry: it wouldn1t be you if you didn1t want to say a good many#SA/D,O!D# 2 would suggest that these young persons be re*uested to withdraw: the baleful influence of their presence is already only too apparent#

,2/A0E O, ACT 2#



SA/D,O!D# Bac8) students) bac8) Cast not these side+long glances5ST4DE/TS %to BA00ET&# Sisters in lo"e5TEAC'E!S %to ST4DE/TS&# They are not your fiancees5V2CA!# Stay) Sandford) stay5 And hear me ma8e confession5 $hat 2 ha"e heard today 'as made a deep impression5

21m 0ow at present) no one 0ower ++ But now) 0ow Church) good+bye5 2 mean to be a theatre+goer) And generally) generally 'igh5A00# And generally) generally 'igh5

C'20D!E/# 'urray5 hurray5 hurray5BA00ET) ST4DE/TS) and '4/TS(E/# 'urray5 for /elly Bly5SA/D,O!D# Alac8 the day5C'20D!E/# 'urray5 hurray5A00# 'e1s going to be 'igh5

V2CA!# 'enceforth) 2 proclaim a "endetta Against E"angelical ways: 2n a chasuble and a biretta The wrath of my bishop 21ll raise5 2 was always a bit of a sham5 Consistency1s nothing to me5 So 21ll be no longer 0ow as 2 am) But as 'igh as 2 oughtn1t to be5A00# $hat terrible language is this6 'e says we shall presently see That he1ll be no longer as 0ow as he is But as 'igh as he oughtn1t to be5

!O$E# Great is my learning and research2n all pertaining to the church ++

21ll <ust gi"e you a sample5A00# 'e1ll <ust gi"e us a sample5!O$E# $hate"er (r# Barlow be ++ Or 'igh or 0ow) it1s clear to me 'is students of di"inity (ust follow his e;ample#V2CA!# /ot a doubt of it) !owe) that is certainly so#(!S# (# To argue the matter is really de trop#A00# To argue the matter is really de trop#

SA/D,O!D# 2) rather than infringe the law)

To foreign climes will go: The Casowary and Choctaw Shall cheer me in my woe#$2/2,!ED# Oh) do not lea"e me)

Do not lea"e me so#C'O!4S# Do not lea"e her so#$2/2,!ED# Spea8 to me) 'enry Say why need you go#C'O!4S# Say why need you go#SA/D,O!D# 1Tis duty calls me hence) 2 must not stay#



C'O!4S# 'e must obey$2/2,!ED# 2f duty calls you) then you must not stay#A00# 'eroic girl5

!O$E# %to V2CA!&# This is your own contri"ing5V2CA!# 2 can1t ma8e out at what on earth you1re dri"ing#

SA/D,O!D# ,arewell) students5ST4DE/TS# ,arewell) 'enry5SA/D,O!D# Grief of mine no words can tell#C'20D!E/# ,arewell) 'enry5SA/D,O!D# ,arewell) children5

2 can only say farewell5A00# ,arewell5

E;it SA/D,O!D

V2CA!# But whither tends your argument6 2 fail to see to what e;tent 7our premises you carry#

!O$E# All being 'igh) 2 beg to state 2t will be your untoward fate ,or e"er to be celibate) So none of you can marry#A00# Oh5 horror5 misery5 despair5 'owe"er long wethey tarry The thought is more than wethey can bear5 $eThey none of usthem can marry5

End Of Act 2#

Twel"e (onths Elapse#3ACT 22#

SCE/E#++ The Vicarage Grounds#

C'O!4S O, 0AD7 TEAC'E!S#

0isten to the merry music of the bells) $edding bells) wedding bells)

Sweet is the tale it tells5 /ow it coyly carols ++ now it soars and swells) Singing their madrigal) list to the bells5 Chiming) chiming5

!inging out cheerily) Sigh not so wearily) Though sorrow smite you again and again) Carolling merrily) telling us "erily

0ife has its pleasure as well as its pain5

!OSE# $hat a change in our prospects5GE!T!4DE# 2 can scarcely belie"e it5 Suppose it should turn out to be all a dream5C'O!4S# Oh) Gertrude5!OSE# 2 ha"e consulted (r# Bedford !owe) my confidential family solicitor#C'O!4S# So ha"e 25!OSE# And he assures me that our engagements to the huntsmen



are absolute and indefeasible# $hat fine fellows they are5GE!T!4DE# 'ow pictures*ue their costume5!OSE# 'ow manly ++ how thoroughly English in their de"otion to the chase# Out e"ery day) regardless of the weather#GE!T!4DE# Or the season#

The Students1 symphony is heard in the distance#

!OSE# 'ere come those stupid students5GE!T!4DE# To their morning lecture#C'O!4S# $e won1t spea8 to them5

All wal8 aside#

Enter ST4DE/TS#

CO/CE!TED 2ECE# ++ ST4DE/TS) TEAC'E!S) and V2CA!#

ST4DE/TS# $hat is life6 a dreary desert: hapless) hopeless)

pilgrims we) Doomed for e"er and for e"er to celibacy5 Cruel maids) we stand before you) Bro8en+hearted) bruised men: nowing well how we adore you) $ill you not adore again6TEAC'E!S# 7ou robbed us of our peace of mind) The 'untsmen ha"e restored it#ST4DE/TS# $e1ll marry you) if you1ll be 8ind#TEAC'E!S# Oh) no) you can1t afford it5

E;it TEAC'E!S#

ST4DE/TS# Single e"er) married ne"er) piteous is our fate5

Enter V2CA!#

V2CA!# 0ife is a Gregorian measure long and desolate5

V2CA!# 2 must admit that when 2 became a per"ert) 2 did not foresee all that it in"ol"ed: but let me point out that there are compensating ad"antages# ,irstly) we ha"e got rid of Sandford#-O'/# oor 'arry5ETE!# 'as nothing more been heard of him6V2CA!# Since the disco"ery of his hymn+boo8 amongst the remains of a cannibalistic festi"al) not a word# 2t is

only too ob"ious that although we couldn1t swallow him) the Casowaries ha"e found him more to their taste#C'O!4S# oor 'arry5V2CA!# Secondly) it cannot be denied that in my new "estments 2 present an imposing appearance# 2 not only loo8 imposing++C'O!4S# 7ou are imposing5V2CA!# Thirdly and lastly) we are now regular attendants at the theatre) and also at the instructi"e and fascinating fi"e o1cloc8 tea parties of the ladies of



the corps de ballet#C'O!4S# 'ear5 hear5V2CA!# Gentlemen) inasmuch as my dear daughter) $inifred) is about to gladden my heart in marrying this morning my esteemed and opulent old pupil) Tommy (erton) my lecture to+day will be remar8able chiefly for its bre"ity# 2ts sub<ect will be The 2nstitution of (atrimony#

SO/G# ++ V2CA! and C'O!4S of ST4DE/TS#

V2CA!# A maiden who marries) her steps may retrace ++ST4DE/TS# a+ce the -ac8son case5V2CA!# She may 8ic8 up her heels up all o"er the placeST4DE/TS# Vide the -ac8son case5V2CA!# A husband1s no longer a right to the wife ++ST4DE/TS# E#g# the -ac8son case5V2CA!# But still he is bound to support her for lifeST4DE/TS# Good) good old -ac8son case5

V2CA!# The old superstition) That wi"es ha"e a mission) 2s slapped in the face ++ST4DE/TS# By the -ac8son case5

V2CA!# But mar8 you) a bridegroom has <ust the same grace ++ST4DE/TS# /#B# the -ac8son case5V2CA!# A husband may also 8ic8 o"er the trace ++ST4DE/TS# a+ce the -ac8son case5V2CA!# A man and a woman are married for life ++ST4DE/TS# E#g# the -ac8son case5V2CA!# But a husband1s not bound to go home with his wife5ST4DE/TS# Good) good old -ac8son case5

V2CA!# The female opinion) That man is a minion 2s slapped in the face ++ST4DE/TS# By the -ac8son case5

V2CA!# The -ac8son decision is e;cellent law#ST4DE/TS# Good law) the -ac8son case5V2CA!# And if anybody1s inclined to say pshaw5ST4DE/TS# ooh5 ooh5 the -ac8son case5V2CA!# The reason is simply they don1t understandST4DE/TS# Either the -ac8son case# ++V2CA!# Or what has been always the law of the land ++ST4DE/TS# 2#e# the -ac8son case5

V2CA!# A pre"alent error) That wedloc81s a terror 2s slapped in the face ++ST4DE/TS# By the -ac8son case5

E;eunt ST4DE/TS#

Enter $2/2,!ED#



V2CA!# $inifred5$2/2,!ED# 7es) father6V2CA!# 21m surprised at you# 7ou are about to be married to the most eligible young man in my congregation) and yet you persist in wandering about in an aimless and disconsolate manner distressing to behold#$2/2,!ED# 2 hate Tommy (erton5V2CA!# ooh) pooh5$2/2,!ED# 2 lo"e 'enry#V2CA!# Tommy is rich) Tommy is rollic8ing5$2/2,!ED# 'enry was true) 'enry was tender5V2CA!# Tender5 $ell) let1s hope the Casowaries found him so5$2/2,!ED# 'ow can you <est on such a sub<ect6 'ere is his hymn+ boo8) forwarded by the British Consul per boo8 post# See) it is scorched#V2CA!# Thin8 no more of him: he has been de"oured#$2/2,!ED# 2 cannot wonder at the Casowaries# 2 could ha"e eaten him myself# But it is "ery hard5V2CA!# The hymn+boo86 7es) they e"idently found that indigestible#

$2/2,!ED# ,ather5V2CA!# /ow no e;postulation5 'a"en1t 2 annoyances enough6 'ere is my Bishop plaguing me to death with prohibitions and remonstrances against my ritualistic practices# And to add insult to in<ury) he is acting under the ad"ice of (r# Bedford !owe) my own confidential family solicitor#$2/2,!ED# But you forget) he is the Bishop1s family solicitor as well#V2CA!# That1s what 2 disli8e about !owe# 'e1s e"erybody1s solicitor#

Enter (!S# (E!TO/#

$2/2,!ED# Oh) father) why did you turn 'igh6 The 0ow are so much happier than the 'igh5V2CA!# $hy6 To get rid of Sandford# But my conscience sometimes pric8s me# 21"e a great mind to turn 0ow again and marry (rs# (erton#(!S# (# %aside&# 'e1d marry me# %Ad"ances&

$2/2,!ED goes up#

(!S# (# $hen shall it be6V2CA!# %aside& The $idow here5 Oh) dear5

D4ET# ++ (!S# (E!TO/ and V2CA!#

(!S# (# Dearest Vicar) tell me why 'a"e you grown so cold and shy6 $hy ha"e you so altered) why6V2CA!# 1Cause 21m 'igh) ma1am) 1cause 21m 'igh5 (arried we can ne"er be: 7ou must not ma8e lo"e to me# Such a course) you surely see) Outrages propriety#(!S# (# Oh) oh) oh) oh) oh) oh) oh5V2CA!# Don1t e<aculate so) so5



(!S#(# $ill you not turn 0ow) 0ow) 0ow6V2CA!# /o) 2 tell you) no) no) no5

V2CA!# (adam) 2 regret to say That 2 can no longer stay#(!S# (# $illiam) do not go away#V2CA!# (oderate your ardour) pray) 2f you ha"e connubial "iews) Try the (atrimonial /ews5(!S# (# 2 ha"e neither time to lose) Time to pic8) nor time to choose#V2CA!# /o) 2 tell you) madam) no5(!S# (# Oh) oh) oh) oh) oh) oh) oh5V2CA!# 2 must really go) go) go#(!S# (# Do not lea"e me so) so) so5

E;it V2CA!#

(!S# (E!TO/ sin8s) weeping) to the ground#

Enter TO((7 and C'O!4S of '4/TS(E/#

TO((7# %raising her& Good gracious5 2t1s my mother5C'O!4S# (rs# (erton5 %She sobs#&TO((7# And dissol"ed in tears5 $hat is the matter6 $hy do you sob6 %She sighs#&ST '4/TS(A/# $hy do you sigh6TO((7# Tell me) and tell these gentlemen#(!S# (# 2 will5 %wiping her eyes&

SO/G# ++ (!S# (E!TO/) with TO((7 and C'O!4S of '4/TS(E/#

(!S# (# 7ou as8 me why2 sob and sigh:

The reason1s plain)And so am 2 ++

$orse luc85 2 try in "ain

To find a swain: ,or widowed men

$on1t wed again ++ /o pluc85 2 am a widow at thirty+three And that1s what1s the matter) the matter with me5TO((7# She is a widow of fifty) sir#C'O!4S# And that1s what1s the matter) the matter with her5

(!S# (# $hat can 2 doBut pipe my eye6

,or 2 am too!obust to die ++

7ou see5 2n such a pass)

$hat can 2 say E;cept) alas)

Alac8+a+day5 Ah) me5



2 am a widow at thirty+three) etc#

(!S# (# Shall 2 despair And rent a flat) And cherish there An orphan cat6 /ot 25 At some fair youth $ho hath not yet Cut wisdom1s tooth) (y cap 21ll set5 21ll try5 $ho1d be a widow at thirty+three6 And if people chatter) what matter to me6TO((7# ,or e"ery (adam there1s sure a Sir ++(!S# (# And if people chatter $ell) what does it matter) $ell) what does it matter) it matter to me5C'O!4S# $ell) what does it matter) it matter to her5

Dance off#

$2/2,!ED comes down#

$2/2,!ED# Ah) what a loss is mine5 Once there were moments when 2 thought 'enry a trifle too particular) e"en pedantic5 but now my eyes are opened to his true worth# $ho else will whisper sweet nothings in my ear in so correct and elegant a style6 But 2 must not gi"e way# 2 must remember 2 am another1s) 2 must forget 2 e"er was his#


$2/2,!ED# ,ull well 2 8now for e"ermore (y lo"e is lost to me: And yet my heart is on the shore) (y eyes are on the sea: And still a grief 2 cannot crush

Burns in me li8e a flame: And yet a "oice 2 cannot hush eeps calling on his name5 ,ore"er crying out in "ain Across the sighing sea) Oh) my lost lo"e) come bac8 again) Come bac8 again to me5SA/D,O!D %without&# Come bac8 again to thee5 /o) not in "ain5

$2/2,!ED# /o) not in "ain5 Oh wondrous power of prayer5 2 seem to hear his "oice again#SA/D,O!D %without&# $here is my darling) where6

$2/2,!ED# Ah) me5 how real fancies seem5SA/D,O!D %without&# 'e has come bac8 again to thee#$2/2,!ED# 2t is no dream5SA/D,O!D# 2t is no dream5



Enter SA/D,O!D#

BOT'# 2t is reality5 2 called upon hisher name) and lo5 Across the sighing sea) (y own lost lo"e of long ago5 Thou hast2 ha"e come bac8 to methee#

$2/2,!ED# Then you ha"e not been eaten6SA/D,O!D# Good gracious) no5 $hat put such an idea in your head6$2/2,!ED# This hymn+boo8) which was found amongst the remains of a cannibalistic festi"al#SA/D,O!D# The remains of a Casowary bonfire#$2/2,!ED# But why did you not answer my letters6SA/D,O!D# 2 ne"er recei"ed them5$2/2,!ED# That e;plains e"erything# But) 'enry) how you1"e altered# $hat has wrought this change6SA/D,O!D# Tra"el) my dear: at home 2 studied only copyboo8s ++ abroad) 2 studied men# 2 went out to con"ert the CasowariesF they taught me) 2 was sadly in need of

con"ersion myself#$2/2,!ED# 'ow did you get on with them6SA/D,O!D# ,irst rate5 2 found the ing a "ery <olly fellow# Sandford) he said to me one day) 2 admire your principles) but you seem to me lamentably deficient in common sense# /ow) 21"e lots of common sense) but my principles are *uisby#$2/2,!ED# @uisby6SA/D,O!D# A Casowary term) my darling) signifying *ueer# 2 ta8e you prisoner) till you1"e taught me principles and 2 ha"e taught you common sense5 'e did it# ,inally) he let me go) but on one condition5$2/2,!ED# $hat6SA/D,O!D# Before 2 sailed) he made me ta8e an oath that 2 would ne"er again tal8 in rounded periods#$2/2,!ED# Oh) 'enry) this accounts for the change in your con"ersation#SA/D,O!D# 2sn1t it an impro"ement6$2/2,!ED# 2 li8e you e"er so much better) now that you occasionally use an ad<ecti"e where a punctilious purity insists upon an ad"erb#SA/D,O!D# But) 2 say) $inifred) you must drop your rounded periods as well#$2/2,!ED# (ay 26SA/D,O!D# 7ou must#$2/2,!ED# 'ow <olly5SA/D,O!D# 2 ha"e come to the conclusion that a strictly

grammatical life is not worth li"ing#


SA/D,O!D# ,or the future) say 2) 0indley (urray) good+bye5 2 shall not mind my 1s or my @1s5$2/2,!ED# 2 shall not cross my T1s) And to loop all my E1s 2 politely but firmly refuse#



SA/D,O!D# Disregarding the tense 2 shall tal8 common sense5$2/2,!ED# $e ne"er ha"e tal8ed it before5SA/D,O!D# /ow that once 2 ha"e seen $hat a prig 2 ha"e been) 2 won1t be a prig any more5$2/2,!ED# /o) don1t5SA/D,O!D# 2 won1t5 2 won1t be a prig any more5

$2/2,!ED# 0i8e a mute 2 won1t loo85SA/D,O!D# 2 won1t tal8 li8e a boo85$2/2,!ED# 21ll play you the li"eliest tunes5SA/D,O!D# ,or the future) say 2) 0indley (urray) good+bye5 ropriety) prisms) and prunes5BOT'# ropriety) prisms) and prunes5

$2/2,!ED# 7ou may go to your club Ta8e a hand at the rub ++

SA/D,O!D# And you1ll thin8 all the better of me: ,or a wife always snubs That e;ample to hubs) $ho always comes home to his tea5$2/2,!ED# To the play we will go And see e"ery show ++ 7ou will ta8e me to concerts and balls6SA/D,O!D# And sometimes you and 2 ++ 2n a "ery blac8 tie ++ $ill "isit the music halls5$2/2,!ED# $e will5SA/D,O!D# $e will5BOT'# $e1ll "isit the music halls5$2/2,!ED# $e1ll ha"e supper at Scott1s And of fun we1ll ha"e lots5SA/D,O!D# Though married) we1ll always be spoons5$2/2,!ED# ,or the future) say 2) 0indley (urray) good+bye5 ropriety) prisms) and prunes5BOT'# ropriety) prisms) and prunes5

DA/CE

Enter TO((7 (E!TO/#

TO((7# Good gracious5 Sandford5 and flirting with my intended wife5

SA/D,O!D# 'is wife5 $hat does he mean6$2/2,!ED# Oh) by the bye) 2 *uite forgot to tell you) 2 am to be married to Tommy this morning#SA/D,O!D# (arried5$2/2,!ED# Belie"ing you had been de"oured) 2 no longer cared what became of me) so 2 reluctantly consented#SA/D,O!D# But you won1t marry one another now 2 ha"e turned up again6$2/2,!ED# Are we not engaged6SA/D,O!D# $inifred) you raise a "ery delicate *uestion# A young



lady supposes her first fiance to ha"e been de"oured) she becomes affianced to a second fiance# But her first fiance has not been de"oured# To which of her fiances is she affianced6TO((7# Sandford) you awa8en old associations# 2f it ta8es two men and a boy two+and+a+half days to build a bric8 wall) in how many days could three men and three+ *uarters of a boy ++ no) 2 gi"e it up# 2 was ne"er good at that sort of thing#SA/D,O!D# The point re*uires consideration#$2/2,!ED# 2 will lea"e it to you to consider it: but whate"er you decide) 2 shan1t marry Tommy#TO((7# Then 2 thin8 that decides it#

T!2O# ++ $2/2,!ED) SA/D,O!D) and TO((7#

SA/D,O!D# -ust one word before you go) -ust one more caress5 /ow we are engaged) you 8now) $hat1s one more or less6

TO((7# Oh) you rude beha"er5 /ot while 2 am here#$2/2,!ED# issing goes by fa"our++SA/D,O!D# Don1t you interfere# >EmbraceTO((7# Sandford ha"ing had his share) Gi"e me one as well) >Sei9es $2/2,!ED#SA/D,O!D# This is more than 2 can bear#TO((7# iss and ne"er tell# >isses $2/2,!EDSA/,O!D# 'ere) 2 say) young sha"er5TO((7 %to $2/2,!ED&# Gi"e me bac8 my own) issing goes by fa"our#$2/2,!ED# 0ea"e my lips alone#

E/SE(B0E#

TO((7# issing goes by fa"our) Gi"e me bac8 my own#

$2/ SA/D# issing goes by fa"our# 0ea"e myher lips alone#

E;eunt SA/D,O!D and $2/2,!ED#

!e+enter V2CA!#

V2CA!# At last 2 ha"e escaped the widow1s clutches#TO((7# (y respected tutor5

V2CA!# 'ere already5 7ou1re before your time5TO((7# Such was my impatience ++V2CA!# Oh) pooh) pooh5 2 ha"e some business matters to attend to before the wedding# A most important appointment with (iss Bly#TO((7# (iss Bly is coming here6V2CA!# Our Society has now been in operation twel"e months) and the consideration of our first annual report demands immediate attention#TO((7# $ill she be alone6



V2CA!# Certainly not# She will be accompanied by the ladies of the corps de ballet# There is safety in numbers#TO((7# 2 must inform my groomsmen of this assignation# >E;it#V2CA!# By all means# Anything to get rid of him# 2 find from e;perience that the harmony of the relations between Church and Stage is always marred by the presence of third persons# (iss Bly5 2 8now her footstep#

Enter /E007 B07 and BA00ET#

/E007# Good morning) Vicar#V2CA!# Good morning) (iss Bly#/E007# 'ow well you1re loo8ing5V2CA!# 2 was about to ma8e the same remar8# But let us to business#AGAT'A# .C7/T'2A# . Good morning) Vicar#B0A/C'E# .V2CA!# (y dear young ladies) e;cuse me for not greeting you before# Bless me) how remar8ably well all of you ++ but

let us to business#/E007# 'ere is my report# %reads& ++ 2n presenting their ,irst Annual !eport) the committee of the Co+operati"e Clerical !eform Association regret to announce that the finances are in a deplorable condition# 4nder these circumstances) it has been unanimously resol"ed to appeal to the public for subscriptions#V2CA!# A "ery wise determination#C7/T'2A# At the same time) 2 don1t *uite see what the public has to do with it#V2CA!# (y dear child) whene"er there1s money to be raised the public has e"erything to do with it# /ow don1t distress yourself# 0ea"e that to the clergy# 2s the clergy are proficient in anything) it is appealing to the public for subscriptions#B0A/C'E# 2t seems to me) the less the public has to do with it) the better#V2CA!# Decidedly# 0et the public find the money) and the less the public has to do with it the better#/E007# %reads& The committee also regret that since the inaugural meeting not a single patron of the society %after ha"ing en<oyed the full benefit of the ad"ertisement& has put in an appearance) with the e;ception of the !e"# $illiam Barlow) Vicar of Bray#C'O!4S# Bra"o5 bra"o5/E007# $hose assiduous attentions to the ladies of the ballet ++ ++

V2CA!# $hat1s that6 $hose assiduous attentions to the ladies of the ballet ha"e been highly appreciated# 2 don1t *uite li8e the way that1s put#AGAT'A# $hat1s the matter with it6V2CA!# This is e"idently an unsophisticated composition# 'a"e you a pencil6 Than8 you# $hose assiduous attentions to the duties of his position cannot be too highly commended#C'O!4S# 'ear) hear) hear5/E007# On the "e;ed *uestion of the length of their s8irts)



the ballet ha"e consented to a compromise# 2n consideration of the clergy agreeing to shorten their discourses) the ballet ha"e lengthened their dresses#V2CA!# 'umph5 2 thin8 you1"e o"erdone it5C7/T'2A# 2t is a matter of taste) Vicar#V2CA!# Alas) we li"e in a degenerate age# E"en the ballet is not what it used to be#/E007# $ait till you see our new pas de cin*) and 2 thin8 you will admit) it is a great impro"ement#V2CA!# 7ou are rehearsing a new pas de cin*6 $hat is it li8e6/E007# 4nfortunately) one of the girls is absent) or we1d show you#V2CA!# Couldn1t you find a substitute6C'O!4S# The Vicar5 The Vicar5B0A/C'E# $ill you <oin us6V2CA!# Anything 2 can do to promote a better feeling between Church and Stage 21ll do with pleasure# 'ow do 2 begin6/E007# $e begin# 7ou stand doing this#V2CA!# Oh5 2 stand doing that6 2 see#/E007# $ell) do it#

V2CA!# 2 shall be rather clumsy at first#/E007# /ow) off5 /ow) cross to me5 /ow) do as 2 do5 Very good indeed5V2CA!# Oh5 2 shall soon get used to it#/E007# 0adies) begin5

DA/CE#

E;eunt#

!e+enter TO((7 (E!TO/ and C'O!4S of '4/TS(E/#

TO((7# (y friends) 2 ha"e to inform you of a slight modification in the bridal arrangements# There will be no bride#C'O!4S# /o bride5TO((7# At the last moment (iss Barlow has thrown me o"er# 2 may obser"e) you all 8now what it is to be thrown o"er#ST '4/TS(A/# $hat has caused this cropper6TO((7# The une;pected arri"al of our old friend) Sandford#C'O!4S# Sandford5ST '4/TS(A/# 2 thought he was de"oured#TO((7# On the contrary) he was ne"er better in his life#ST '4/TS(A/# /o wonder you1re annoyed#TO((7# But 21m not annoyed# 21m o"er<oyed# ercei"e my parado;ical position#

CO/CE!TED 2ECE# ++ TO((7) !O$E) and '4/TS(E/#

TO((7# 2 am not so much "e;ed As pu99led and perple;ed: (y *uandary is curiously curious# 'ere 2 am o"er<oyed) $hen 2 should feel annoyed ++ 2n fact 2 should feel frantically furious# 2n this dilemma) who Can counsel me but you6



2n no one is my confidence impliciter) To whom am 2 to go6

Enter !O$E#

C'O!4S# To (r# Bedford !owe5!O$E# 7our confidential family Solicitor5

TO((7 C'O!4S# 7our coming) (r# !owe) 2s "ery a propos: 2n no one is our confidence impliciter To whom am 2is he to go) 2f not to (r# !owe6!O$E# 7our confidential family Solicitor5

TO((7# 4ndoubtedly) his charge 2s "ery much too large ++!O$E# A parsimony paltry and penurious) 2n legal matters is The worst of policies)

As in<udicious as it is in<urious#TO((7# 7ou mean) ta8e your ad"ice And ne"er mind the price6!O$E# (y meaning) Sir) could not be well e;pliciter)TO((7# 7ou mean 2 ought to go To (r# Bedford !owe!O$E# 7our confidential family Solicitor5

(E!TO/ C'O!4S# Oh ne"er mind the price But act on yourhis ad"ice 2n no one is myour confidence impliciter To whom am 2is he to go) 2f not to (r# !owe6!O$E# 7our confidential family Solicitor5

!O$E# Gentlemen) 2 cannot fail to be deeply touched by this proof of your esteem) but 2 must consider the interests of my other clients#TO((7# $hat are those6!O$E# $rits5 As the confidential family solicitor of the ladies of the corps de ballet 2 ha"e issued thirteen of them) of which as your confidential family solicitor 2 ha"e accepted ser"ice) in thirteen actions of breach of promise of marriage#C'O!4S# hew5!O$E# This is a serious matter# 7ou must be aware that you ha"e trifled with their young affections#

TO((7# Then it1s a trifling matter#!O$E# (r# (erton) as a pri"ate friend) 2 appreciate your wit and humour) but in my professional capacity it is my duty to warn you that a heartless and unseemly le"ity will only aggra"ate the damages#TO((7# Then what would you ad"ise6!O$E# 7our only course is to compromise the actions#TO((7# 'ow6!O$E# By marrying the young ladies#TO((7# But we are all engaged to the lady+teachers# 2f we



throw them o"er) can1t they all bring actions6!O$E# As their confidential family solicitor) 2 shall certainly ad"ise them to pursue that course#TO((7# Then it ma8es no difference which of them we marry6!O$E# To your confidential family solicitor) no difference whate"er#TO((7# Groomsmen) what say you6 7ou ha"e been engaged to each) which do you prefer6C'O!4S# The ballet5!O$E# Then 2 will call my clients5

E;it#

Enter C'O!4S of 0AD2ES of the BA00ET#

C'O!4S of CO!S DE BA00ET#

$e no longer gyrate: (easures much more sedate Better suit the estate

Of the unfortunate# Our di"ersion 2n desertion 2s a slide and a hop: Aggra"ating 2s rotating) So we stop) and we flop#

TO((7# 0adies) we ha"e seen the error of our ways) and we ha"e come bac8 penitent#/E007# Oh) that1s all "ery well) but will you marry us6TO((7# 2f you will settle the actions#/E007# $e must be settled first#TO((7# 7ou shall be# 7ou were our first lo"es) and you shall be our first wi"es# Seal the contract#

!e+enter C'O!4S of TEAC'E!S and C'O!4S of ST4DE/TS se"erally#

CO/CE!TED 2ECE# ++ TEAC'E!S) ST4DE/TS) '4/TS(E/) and CO!S DE BA00ET#

AGAT'A# See5-O'/# See5TEAC'E!S# $e saw5ST4DE/TS# $e saw5A00# A 8iss5

TEAC'E!S# $ith other girls they dallyBA00ET# $e1re no more girls than you are) miss#TEAC'E!S# $e will no longer suffer thisBA00ET# $e1re ladies of the ballet#'4/TS(E/# $e much prefer the balletTEAC'E!S# $e will no longer suffer this)A00# They much prefer the ballet#ST4DE/TS %to TEAC'E!S&# Oh gi"e us bac8 our peace of mind $e1ll marry you if you1ll be 8ind#TEAC'E!S# But you are 'igh)



2f we comply ++ST4DE/TS# 'igh we1ll be no more5 $e will be 0ow5 Oh) ladies) oh5 'ear us) we implore5'4/TS(E/# Do) ladies) do5BA00ET# ,or it is too Good a chance to miss#'4/TS(E/ BA00ET# Too good a chance to miss#TEAC'E!S '4/TS(E/# !ise) students) rise) OurTheir heart repliesA00# 7es) belo"ed) yes5

Enter C'20D!E/#

C'O!4S of C'20D!E/

0uc8y little boys and girls of Bray5 $e ha"e got another holiday5 (errily we s8ip and merrily we hop ++

Oranges and nuts and ginger pop5 Bread and <am for brea8fast) marmalade for tea5 0uc8y little boys and girls are we5

0uc8y little boys and girls of Bray5 Teacher) she is going to be wed today5 Tommy (erton1s promised us a slice of ca8e5 Tommy is a bric8) and no mista8e5 $hen the ca8e is eaten) won1t we ha"e a spree6 0uc8y little boys and girls are we5

!e+enter V2CA! with $2/2,!ED#

$EDD2/G C'O!4S and !OCESS2O/#

C'20D!E/) TEAC'E!S) BA00ET) '4/TS(E/) ST4DE/TS#

0ady fair)$e come to meet thee)

4pon this thy wedding day5 0ady fair) $e come to greet thee) And with flowers strew the way5

!ing out) bells) cheerily5 !ing out) unwearily5 !ing out your <ubilant message again5 Carol) bells) merrily5 Telling us) "erily)

0ife has its pleasure as well as its pain5 !ing out) ring out) ring out5

Enter SA/D,O!D#

SA/D,O!D# 'alt5V2CA!# $hat is this6 $ho has the impudence ++SA/D,O!D# Don1t you all recognise me6O(/ES# Sandford5V2CA!# Oh) there1s some mista8e5 Sandford was eaten and



digested long ago#SA/D,O!D# 2 am not eaten) and 2 claim my bride#V2CA!# 7our bride indeed5 2 beg your pardon) sir5 (y daughter us about to be married to Thomas (erton) of Bray (anor) Es*uire#SA/D,O!D# 2 dispute that assertion#V2CA!# 7ou1d dispute anything# 2 put it to any impartial person++SA/D,O!D# $ill you put it to $inifred6

!e+enter (!S# (E!TO/#

V2CA!# Oh) stuff and nonsense) to the Church proceed5

!e+enter !O$E#

!O$E# Stop5 2 in<unct you) Barlow5V2CA!# (ore obstruction5!O$E# As the confidential family solicitor of two of your scandalised parishioners) it becomes my painful duty to

ser"e you with this inhibition#V2CA!# Oh) 21m inhibited) am 26 ray) what for6!O$E# ,or your notorious ritualistic practices#V2CA!# /ow) !owe) old fellow) 2 don1t call this 8ind# $asn1t it by your ad"ice that 2 turned 'igh6!O$E# 7es) but you turned too 'igh# 2n fact) you1"e got *uite gamey# And to ma8e matters worse) the Court of Arches has this day depri"ed you of your benefice) and in consideration of his missionary labours has appointed the !e"# 'enry Sandford) Vicar of Bray#SA/D,O!D# (e6O(/ES# Sandford5V2CA!# That1s all nonsense# The Court of Arches has no power to do anything of the sort#!O$E# (y dear sir) it1s done it# 2t isn1t the first time the Court of Arches has e;ceeded its <urisdiction#V2CA!# Can1t 2 appeal6!O$E# Oh) yes) you can appeal#V2CA!# Then 21ll appeal#!O$E# But if you want to win) 2 should ad"ise you to turn 0ow again#V2CA!# Then 21ll turn 0ow# Vicar of Bray 2 am) and Vicar of Bray 2 mean to be) whate"er happens#SA/D,O!D# But how do you propose to deal with my pretensions6TO((7# And am 2 to be utterly ignored6V2CA!# 21ll soon settle you5 0oo8 here) resign your claim and 2 consent to your marriage with $inifred#

(!S# (# %to TO((7&# Then you can marry /elly#V2CA!# 7ou consent6SA/D,O!D# On one condition ++ that you will be 0ow once more#!O$E# Oh) that1s *uite understood#V2CA!# 2 will be 0ower than e"er#

,2/A0E#

(!S# (# Oh) $illiam) sweet $illiam) since 0ow you will be) There1s nothing to hinder you marrying me5



V2CA!# (y dearest (atilda) that1s perfectly true#(!S# (#%coa;ingly&# Oh come to the arms that are waiting for you)V2CA!# $ell 2 thin8 that1s about the best thing 2 can do#A00# 2 thin8 that1s about the best thing you can do#

C'O!4S# 'urray5 hurray5 hurray5 'e always ma8es it pay $ith heart and "oice 0et all re<oice 'e1s Vicar still of Bray5

And now this merry (ay morning 4niting our "oices) we pray 0ong li"e he) his office adorning5 All hail to the Vicar of Bray5

End of Opera#

The libretto has the following finale#

(!S# (# Oh) $illiam) sweet $illiam) since 0ow you will be) There1s nothing to hinder you marrying me5V2CA!# (y dearest (atilda) that1s perfectly true#(!S# (# Oh come to the arms that are waiting for you)V2CA!# 2 thin8 that1s about the best thing 2 can do#C'O!4S# 2 thin8 that1s about the best thing you can do#

!O$E# And if when you1re married) you find it a bore ++C'O!4S# /#B# the -ac8son case5!O$E# 7ou can easily show one another the door ++C'O!4S# E#G# the -ac8son case5(!S# (# But $illiam will ne"er 8ic8 o"er the trace ++C'O!4S# ooh) pooh) the -ac8son case5V2CA!# The li"ing of Bray 2 will ne"er disgrace5C'O!4S# Bad) bad old -ac8son case5V2CA!# $e1ll pro"e lo"e still lingers ++(!S# (# And gaily our fingers ++BOT'# $e1ll snap in the face of the -ac8son case5C'O!4S# They1ll snap in the face of the -ac8son case5

And now this merry (ay morning 4niting our "oices) we pray++C'20D!E/# 0ong li"e he) his office adorning5O(/ES# All hail to the Vicar of Bray5

Curtain#

Documents

The Vicar of Bray Libretto