O R E G O N

JUNE 21, 2000 VOLUME XVII, ISSUE XIII A JOURNAL OF OPINION

The Tater Awards

The OLCC Strikes Back • Brown-Bagging It • Andy, We Knew Ye Too Well

FOUNDED SEPT.27,1983 • MEMBER COLLEGIATE NETWORK

The OREGON COMMENTATOR is a conservative journal ofopinion. All signed essays and commentaries herein representthe opinions of the writers and not necessarily the opinions ofthis magazine or its staff. The COMMENTATOR is an independentpublication and the Oregon Commentator Publishing Co., Inc.is an independent corporation; neither are affiliated with theUniversity of Oregon nor its School of Journalism. And, con-trary to popular, paranoid opinion, we are in no way affiliatedwith either the CIAor the FBI.

The OREGON COMMENTATOR accepts letters to the editorand commentaries from students, faculty and staff at theUniversity of Oregon, or anyone else for that matter. Letters andcommentaries may be submitted personally to Room 205 EMUor placed in our mailbox in Suite 4 EMU. All other correspon-dence should be mailed to Box 30128, Eugene, OR, 97403. Oure-mail address is at: ocomment@darkwing.uoregon.edu: Phonenumber: (541) 346-3721. Unsolicited commentaries are limitedto 700 words and letters to 300 words. We reserve the right toedit material we find obscene, libelous, inappropriate or lengthy.We are not obliged to print anything that does not suit us.Unsolicited material will not be returned unless accompanied bya stamped, self-addressed envelope. Submission constitutes tes-timony as to the accuracy.

The OREGON COMMENTATOR is an independent journal of opinionpublished at the University of Oregon for the campus community.Founded by a group of concerned student journalists Sept. 27 1983, theCOMMENTATOR has had a major impact in the “war of ideas” on cam-pus, providing students with an alternative to the left-wing orthodoxypromoted by other student publications, professors and student groups.During its seventeen-year existence, it has enabled University studentsto hear both sides of issues. Our paper combines reporting with opin-ion, humor and feature articles. We have won national recognition forour commitment to journalistic excellence.

The OREGON COMMENTATOR is operated as a program of theAssociated Students of the University of Oregon (ASUO) and is staffedsolely by volunteer editors and writers. The paper is funded throughstudent incidental fees, advertising revenue and private donations. Weprint a wide variety of material, but our main purpose is to show stu-dents that a political philosophy of conservatism, free thought and indi-vidual liberty is an intelligent way of looking at the world — contraryto what they might hear in classrooms and on campus. In general, edi-tors of the COMMENTATOR share beliefs in the following:

• We believe that the University should be a forum for rational andinformed debate — instead of the current climate in which ideologicaldogma, political correctness, fashion and mob mentality interfere withacademic pursuit.

• We emphatically oppose totalitarianism and its apologists.

• We believe that it is important for the University community to viewthe world realistically, intelligently and, above all, rationally.

• We believe that any attempt to establish utopia is bound to meet withfailure and, more often than not, disaster.

• We believe that while it would be foolish to praise or agree mindless-ly with everything our nation does, it is both ungrateful and dishonestnot to acknowledge the tremendous blessings and benefits we receiveas Americans.

• We believe that free enterprise and economic growth, especially atthe local level, provide the basis for a sound society.

• We believe that the University is an important battleground in the“war of ideas” and that the outcome of political battles of the future are,to a large degree, being determined on campuses today.

• We believe that a code of honor, integrity, pride and rationality are thefundamental characteristics for individual success.

• Socialism guarantees the right to work. However, we believe that theright not to work is fundamental to individual liberty. Apathy is ahuman right.

MISSION STATEMENT

PHOTOGRAPHY

Dan AtkinsonSho Ikeda, Mike Recken

COVER CONCEPT BY

Dakia Anheluk, Brian Boone, Aaron K. Breniman, Jerome Cole,Danzig, “Buck” Grove, Jason Larimer, Napoleon Linardatos,

Ben Nahorney, Amanda Nottke, Brandon Oberlin, Brian Ouellette, Billy Pilgrim, Joe Ryan, Ted Whitaker

BOARD OF THREE AMIGOS

Steve Martin, ChairmanMartin Short, Director, Chevy Chase, Director

COUNCIL ON FOREIGN RELATIONS

Thomas Mann ‘88, Charles H. Deister ‘92, R.S.D Wederquist ‘92, Scott Camp ‘94,

Ed Carson ‘94, Owen Brennan Rounds ‘95, Farrah L. Bostic ‘98 Mark Hemingway ‘98

BOARD OF FORTY-YEAR-OLD MEN

Richard Burr, Robert Davis, Paul S. Holbo, Michael Rust

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

William “Stalin” BeutlerPUBLISHER EMERITUS

Andy “Lenin” Combs

BUSINESS MANAGER

Skye “Brezhnev” TenneyASSOCIATE EDITORS

Kerry “Andropov” Delf, Brandon “Chernenko” Hartley

COPY EDITOR

Heather “Khrushchev” McConochie

GRAPHICS

Cory “Gorby” Falk

VOLUME XVII, ISSUE XIII

June 21, 2000Copyright ©2000 Oregon Commentator Publishing Co., Inc.

We have met our staff quota for Brians and Brandons. No more at this time, please.

INSIDE

THE YEAR IN REVIEW

This is the way the year ends: with a dull,lifeless thud.

By Brian BoonePAGE 8

THE TATER AWARDS

Remember: it’s not whether you win or lose,it’s how big a douchebag you are.

PAGE 10

DIVERSITY U.The UO is spending a lot of money to realizethat familiar, unrealizable goal, diversity.

By Brandon OberlinPAGE 12

BROWN BAGGING 101If we had a forty, we’d hammer it in themorning.

By Ted WhitakerPAGE 14

ALRIGHT, I’VE HAD ENOUGH

Au revoir, arrivederci, adiós, sayonara, aufwiedersehn, good riddance.

By Andy CombsPAGE 16

DEPARTMENTSEDITORIAL 4NOBODY ASKED US, BUT... 5LETTERS 7RED MEAT 19ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE 20SPEW 22

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PUBLISHER’S NOTE We promise this

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4 OREGON COMMENTATOR

As of press time, our editor’s whereabouts are unknown. Various

reports allege several destroyed mailboxes (vomit), cars parked

and moving (vomit), and supermarkets (vomit). T

he reliability

of this information is inconclusive. According to eyewitnesses,

he was last seen in the back of a Jeep at the corner of 13th and

Kincaid toting a handle of Cutty Sark and wearing a Viking hat

— only a Viking hat. The only address/contact we had is a

mobile phone unit somewhere in the vicinity of the Silver Dollar

Club — and all efforts to reach him at that number proved futile.

The last article to be submitted was this editorial, which remains

incomplete. In there interests of journalistic purity, we are pub-

lishing the partial manuscript as it was found, scribbled illegibly

on the side of an OSPIRG Renter’s Rights handbook, recovered

in the wake of the carnage.

Notes left on the back of a pack of Camels were inde-cipherable, due to some viscous liquid encrusted in thepackaging. There is a certain consistency to the garbledramblings however, indicating his disgust with theUniversity’s last nine months, disapproval of BlitzWeinhard’s relocation to Tumwater, WA, and in theonly distinguishable passage, that “the supermarketwas asking for it.”

The OREGON COMMENTATOR will resume publicationwhen (and if) he resurfaces.

Andy Combs,Publisher

JUNE 21, 2000 *Viggy is currently in contract renegotiations. Or passed out. Whichever. 5

The OC’s disharmony with the Sociology department struck a newfalse chord this week when our AP columnist was accosted by anunidentified faculty member, moments after delivering copies of ourlast issue to the seventh floor of PLC — just outside Julia Fox’s office,as fate would have it.

According to this irate Marxist-by-default, the COMMENTATOR iscomposed entirely of “undergraduate punks” who have no concept ofthe consequences of their actions, and that we bear some responsibili-ty for a death threat Ms. Fox allegedly received last week. The OC isofficially appalled: appalled at Ms. Fox’s irresponsible in-classdefamation of our fine publication, which started this whole imbroglio;appalled at the indecency of any buffoon who might sink to deaththreats (if you are among our readership, moron, you are officially dis-owned); and especially appalled at the childishness of a member of theSociology department who would hurl insults at an otherwise sympa-thetic student. Shame on all of you.

The word on the grapevine is that last year’s Professor of the YearAward recipient has had enough of this cesspool, and will now be leav-ing us to our own devices. We’ll miss you, Foxy.

The Fox and the Clowns

Not to worry, the South University neighborhood is safe andsecure. Especially since the EPD has now decided to take theiractions to private property.

Early on a Sunday morning, (according to the officers onthe scene) somebody apparently decided to steal gas from vehi-cles in the area — that, or they were breaking into a van. TheEPD wasn’t too clear about that part. Hell, they could havebeen harvesting kidneys.

Either way, whoever it was got away clean while the EPDspent about half an hour hassling an OC staffer and a fellowboozer, asleep in his own back yard. Credibility lost again.Here they were, completely assed out, right in the middle of anopen yard with two pillows and a bottle of Knob Creek brandquality whiskey. The sleeping perpetrators were rudely awak-ened by obnoxious flashlights and a short-tempered police K-9.Including the dog, there were five of them — you know, theusual overkill.

After the typical bombardment of copper jack moves, thefriendly drunks were free to go about their business. That is,after an official commendation on their choice of whiskey.They may not have been straight, but their story was. Ah,Eugene’s finest hard at work.

Knob Creek Blues

On May 24th, Roselio Reyes, a former Nike plant worker and currentlabor activist, spoke to a crowd of 150 people in the Knight LawCenter. While the majority of Roselio’s speech played into the handsof the anti-Nike sentiment, there was one major point that Roseliomade that was missed by many people there and lacked coverage in theEmerald.

“When the students are buying these [products] they are support-ing the families in the Dominican Republic whom have no othermeans of employment,” Roselio said. “If we boycott these companiesand stop buying their products they’ll simply close down the facto-ries.”

What Roselio would like to see is an improvement in the work-ing conditions in the plants, not a boycott. He asked students to buythe products so that students will wear them and in return the workersget a paycheck. No Nike, no jobs. We at the OREGON COMMENTATOR

are working to put food on these people’s tables by wearing our Nikeshoes. What are you doing?

Roselio Goes Bananas

Coy and Vance’s HAIKU CORNER*

Dave and Dave: We know they’re intimate, but the nose should be off-limits. Hey funboys, get a room.

Things to Do• Sue your landlord. He/she deserves it, don’t they?• Visit Nerve at http://www.nervemag.com for your coital

position of the day.• Drink. The year is over. You’ve earned it. Come to think

of it, you’ve earned a hit off a crack pipe. It’s up to you.

PUNK FEST-AKUPuppet shows and chaosBean bag bruises sure do smartCan’t wait til next year

6 OREGON COMMENTATOR

INTERVIEW

t all has to start somewhere, it always comes to an end, andin between are the antics. A cause being fought that affectsa majority should expect verbal confrontation as well as

some non-vocal assaults. Eggings? Yes, they happened, but thecredit is in the wrong place. For the perpetrators, on that one spon-taneous intoxicated evening, the result of theiractions could not have been more pleasing — the factthat there was a reaction at all. Full sheeted experi-ments like this don’t usually expect to create much ofa reaction, except for the camaraderie shortly after-ward and the guilt in the morning. But this time, afew ill-informed, scapegoat-seeking individualsdecided to point the blame at a potentially obvioussource. This is not surprising considering the com-mon mob mentality that bears down our fair on cam-pus. Autumn DePoe, former student senator andactivist, credulously attributed the assault to C.J.Gabbe, Matthew Swanson and their fraternity. Itseems they were playing capture the flag, hence a lotof running around in camouflage, the same night ofthe eggings. The so-called conspiracy behind theevent went as far as pointing out a potential master-mind behind it all as well, once thought to be ScottAustin. Well, guess what kids: this incident hadnothing to do with WRC politics, fraternities, orprotests. It was simply a reaction from a group ofstudents who actually had the balls to represent the“real” majority on campus.

The following is a face-to-face interview withOREGON COMMENTATOR correspondent Ted Whitaker and the anti-WRC protesters.

OC: So how many of you were there?

A: Well there were three people, but one we didn’t know, hewas just a disgruntled person we met at Circle K while picking up ourbeverages to go home with. It was not a premeditated event, the ideacame from a discussion we had while standing in line.

B: I guess you could say that it was premeditated in thesense that we just wanted to have a little indiscriminate, ignorantfun. You know, messing with the hippies. As we kept thinkingabout it, the protesters were not representing anybody but a verysmall group and they were very ill-informed. While sitting there,

and of course having some drinks and discussing politically in theback of the tavern like in the old days, we kept coming up withproducts we saw being used that they were protesting: Nike,North Face, Mountain Smith. It was inconceivable for us to seethese people protesting and not going full bore at it.

OC: So would you guys like to establish a theme for youractions, maybe a group name?

A: Why do you keep asking us that, it isn’t important! Areyou going to take this and turn it into a bunch of sensationalism?If you want to put a name on us you could say that we are the“concerned citizens.” I want to state now that I am not an anar-chist, I don’t have a name, I’m a concerned citizen, so that will bemy name since you insist.

OC: What was the philosophy behind your actions?

A: My whole gig is that by taking away jobs from people

BY TED WHITAKER

Goo goo g’joob: Two of the three egg men pose for the OC’s cameras, dressed as they were on that fateful April evening.

When ideologies clash and eggs are thrown, the COMMENTATOR will be here to tell you about it. An exclusive interview with the Johnson Hall egg-tossing trio.

Wh

itak

er

TURN TO EGG MEN, PAGE 18

I

JUNE 21, 2000 7

THE OLCCRESPONDS

Wassup OC:

Your April 3 series on OLCC brought back memories of mycollege days. Like many students today, I saw little use for theOLCC. But in the intervening years I’ve seen the toll alcoholabuse has taken on families, friends and society in general. I even-tually changed my view.

I appreciate the time and ink you took to get information toyour readers about OLCC’s health and safety mission. And Iunderstand that not all your readers, much less OC’s editorial poli-cies, appreciate that Oregon is a liquor-control state. But I’m surewe all can agree on the importance of informing Ducks and otherfeathered folks about their responsibilities under the law. Yourseries was of great help in carrying that message to students — akey audience for OLCC.

In fact, I’d bet that OC and OLCC have more in common thana partially shared acronym. Clearly we’re both interested in ensur-ing that students have reasonably in-bounds, safe and legal fun forexample. OC and OLCC could easily form a strong public-privatepartnership — that’s government lingo for working together overthe long haul.

And by the way, I’m also sure that your liquor price guide forminors was simply meant as casual information for your readers.As a socially responsible publication, I’m confident that OCwould not encourage or otherwise advise breaking the law. Butyou know, the Great Communicator was fond of saying, “Trust,but verify.”

Sincerely,Pamela S. EricksonAdministrator, Oregon Liquor Control Commission

Dear Ms. Erickson:

Thank you for your response to our April 3, 2000 OLCCissue. We at the OREGON COMMENTATOR appreciate the fact thatyou took the time and effort to reply to our criticism of the OregonLiquor Control Commission.

Given the tone of your letter we draw the conclusion that youintended, a) to connect with us by speaking the “lingo” of our“generation,” b) to talk down to our level, or c) no disrespect andthis is simply how you always address professional letters on offi-cial, State of Oregon letterhead. Nevertheless, we were honored.

Our main point of contention is, and continues to be, whoshould be making decisions about the consumption of alcohol: theindividual, or the collective? The COMMENTATOR is of the opinionthat individuals should make such decisions for themselves, what-ever the consequences; it is not the place of bureaucrats in Salemor Washington to regulate private actions.

Students should have the right to enjoy themselves howeverthey see fit, without interference from a government-imposedmorality, so long as they do so in a manner that does not harm oth-ers. We also believe that students are going to drink and will to doso regardless of what we print or how strict you make your laws.

We thank you again for your letter and hope to continue thisdiscourse into the future. If you have any comments or inquiries,please do not hesitate to write again or call. Next time you’re inEugene, drinks are on us.

Sincerely,Editor and PublisherOREGON COMMENTATOR

ong ago – we’ll say the 1950s – college was reserved forintelligent, highly motivated, achievement-minded futureleaders of the community; those who were not up to the task

were soon weeded out. Over time, universities like this one haverelaxed their standards to the point where almost any mildly retard-ed high school graduate with a debit card can attend college.

It wouldn’t be so bad if the morons around campus would justblend into the grass and stay out of basic university operations, sothe rest of us could go about our business in peace. But they don’t.On this campus, the dumber you are – the more notable you are. Asthe 1999-2000 school year ran its inevitable course, the visibilityand power of campus idiots grew exponentially.

It was a time marked by political and public relations debaclesthat tried the patience of the university community. The year beganlike any other: UO President Dave Frohnmayer helped exactly onestudent move into the dorms for a generic photo op; the standardissue ASUO Executive promises of tuition freezes and increaseddiversity; and the lame Emeraldcolumns by lame Emeraldcolum-nists, skewering the foibles of college life.

GENOCIDE AWARENESS PROJECTBut the tone of the year (i.e. overblown outrage followed by

useless public discourse) quickly set in with the GenocideAwareness Project’s display, brought to an EMU amphitheater nearyou by the fledgling student group Justice For All. Bent on sicken-ing the populace into a pro-life stance with massive, unavoidableposters of aborted fetuses, the GAP brought many importantuntruths to light. First, that the Holocaust was a minor tragedy thatkilled a handful of people – nothing compared to the insidioustragedy of a woman’s right to choose. Justice For All apparentlythought the best way to create an open forum on abortion was tovisually attack anyone who walked by. Justice For All’s freeexploitation of the practice they aim to stop, coupled with theircasual disregard for the Holocaust and the Jewish race as a whole –

makes you wonder if Bible Jim was somehow involved. Expectmore next year: Justice For All is now a funded student program. Ifluck prevails, the Abortion Fair could be a yearly occurrence, sand-wiched between the ASUO Street Fair and the biannual keep-or-ditch OSPIRG controversy.

FROHNMAYER’S ARRYHTHMIACampus life was more than useless debate and protesters with

nowhere to go, at least when President Frohnmayer was struckdown by a touch of extreme physical distress. “The Frohn” experi-enced a heart arrhythmia, first believed to be a heart attack, whileattending a conference in Washington, DC. The Frohn was rushedto the fortuitously-nearby Bethseda Medical Center, where he wastreated and spent his recovery. Over that fateful weekend, the UOcommunity was glued to its televisions, newspapers and onlinenews services, in pursuit of any little bit of available information:Is he okay? Is he getting better? Is he dead yet? We didn’t bother tocheck before we ran our overwhelmingly popular and well-received “Dave Frohnmayer: 1940-1999” cover in the fall.Apparently he’s still alive, so good for him, I guess.

INITIATIVE 2000No matter how barbaric or physically dangerous, certain things

are essential to the college experience, and such traditions must beupheld forever. This includes an almost inhuman consumption ofcheap, effective booze at that old bastion of collegiate alcoholism,the frat house. Then came sagging fraternity enrollment, followedby Initiative 2000, which threatens to permanently end the DeltaHouse-inspired lifestyle of Jello shots, keg stands, shooters andbeer goggles. Initiative 2000 is a pledge by fraternities and sorori-ties promising to not hold functions that serve alcohol, or even keepalcohol of any kind at chapter houses (yeah, right). All of this ispurely image related, selfishly motivated and has nothing to do withalcohol safety – the Greek houses get kickbacks for signing on.

8 OREGON COMMENTATOR

LAT YEAR’S END

WTO / BATTLE IN SEATTLEEugene and the surrounding area made

the national news a couple of times, mosteminently when a considerable number ofanti-capitalist demonstrators and politicalactivists made good on their promise to shutdown Seattle via riots and vandalism duringthe WTO conferences in November. Thiswas the major national news story for aweek or so, bringing the national press backto Eugene for the first time since June of1999 – also because of anarchists. Oldergenerations, which had once labeled us apa-thetic and jaded, now called us reckless andhypocritical. They also decided that theEugene branch of the anarchist populationrepresented the entire array of protesters inSeattle, which isn’t fair: some of them wereprobably from Springfield.

WHEREFORE ART THOU,Y2K?To those of you just now crawling out

of your Y2K bunkers, I’m sorry to reportthat a computer glitch did not destroy theworld on January 1, 2000. No martial law,no nuclear winter, no cannibalism, nonuthin’. Even the Space Needle survived.Kind of a letdown. All we really was extra-neous news coverage of children in everytime zone dancing around while fireworkswent off at the major landmarks behindthem. Nevertheless, winter break was twodays longer to allow for any nationalmishaps – apparently, the end of the world

would have been fixed in two days, justenough time for school to start up again.

STUDENT SENATE INCOMPETENCEThis year marked the long-awaited pub-

lic admission that most of the popularlyelected student senate are incompetent, ofunsound mind, and are wholly unfamiliarwith Robert’s Rules of Order. Accusations ofmisallocation of funds and failure to holdoffice hours led to much finger-pointing andbuck-passing. The attempt by longtime rab-ble-rouser Scott Austin to impeach severalsenators proved futile, but did cause a num-ber of senators to quit post haste, bailing onstudent govt, likely because the senate lead-ership was making the job unbearable.

ASUO ELECTIONSStudent Senator CJ Gabbe was a cen-

tral figure in the ongoing senate bitch-fight,and over the past year has been involved inmore scandals than any other student offi-cial in recent memory. The floppy-earedsycophant made an unsuccessful bid forASUO Executive in the spring, amidst fur-ther allegations, grievances and question-able ethics. Gabbe and running mate PeterLarson sponsored an International StudentAssociation coffee hour/voter information(read: Vote for CJ and Peter) meeting. Sincethey paid for the coffee and cookies and

9JUNE 21, 2000

If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught usanything, it is that every year is a catastrophe at the UO.

BY BRIAN BOONE

Clockwise, highlights from the 99-00 year:If you put up pictures of dead babies, they willcome; a big tree fell over; The Collier House closedand reopened to zero fanfare; Squirrels ran amok,mocking us from their treetop perches; The 1992Democratic Convention was a big hit; This fencewas later murdered in cold blood; Frohnmayertried to salvage some dignity; Jay Breslow didn’t somuch win ASUO Exec as CJ lost it; Group hugs pre-ceded group sex; Even Ryan isn’t sure who heagrees with; And just who is that sexy woman?

TURN TO THE YEAR, PAGE 19

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T A T E R OREGON COMMENTATOR

1999-2000

AS THE YEAR GOES, SO GO THE TATER AWARDS.There are only seven categories to begin with, and in the end, only seven

lucky individuals/organizations/trends make the cut. This year the finalists

were all worthy and the voting (carried out by secret ballot at the May 17

OC staff meeting) was close in all categories — except for Woman of the

Year, for which frequent pariah Gabbe was the unanimous choice. The cat-

egories changed slightly this year, with Professor of the Year giving way

to the broader Faculty of the Year, but everything else is the same, as is

these awards’ purpose: to highlight this campus’ most flagrant examples of

arrogance, stupidity, malfeasance, incompetence and misconduct. Enjoy.

DEBACLE OF THE YEAR

WRC/KNIGHT TUG-OF-WARPhil Knight may not be the world’s most popular guyat the moment, but the fact that he can look at himselfin the mirror is not because he is heartless — it’sbecause he’s right. As far as the protesters are con-cerned, using the University as an experiment in thedangerous field of social engineering is stupidenough, but when thequasi-governmentalagency charged withcarrying out saidexperiment is as dis-organized and precar-ious as the WRC,well, only moretumult is on the way.

RISING STAR

SARAH JACOBSON,WRCUntil the Worker Rights Consortium hit the big time,Sarah was just another unwashed and slightly dazedinhabitant of Suite Four. Today, when not saving theindigenous people of third-world countries from thehands of ruthless industrialists, Jacobson spendsmost of her time getting letters printed in the Op-Edpage of the New York Times,plotting future blows to theevil regime of global capi-tal, and talking on her cellphone. With the WRC up forreview in just a year’s time,look for her name to pop upagain and again and againand again.

FACULTY OF THE YEAR

DAVE FROHNMAYEROnce just a washed up gubernatorial candidate, nowresponsible for one of the most costly mistakes inUniversity history: President Dave Frohnmayer. Takeour advice, Dave, when 30 million dollars is on the line,it doesn’t hurt to make a 30 cent phone call to ensure thatyour bumbling and fumblingwon’t cost the UO the singlelargest donation ever. Youlacked the foresight to seethe possible consequences ofyour decisions; now presentand future students will haveto pay the difference. Dave,we have staff positions avail-able after you get canned.

HACK OF THE YEAR

JEN EVANS, OREGON VOICEWasting no time out of the gates as Executive Editorof the Oregon Voice, Evans worked overtime to pro-duce the single worst issue of the Voice this year.The Voice’s Annual Sex Issue proved one thing, andthat’s that down at the Voice, nobody’s getting any.Mad with power as she may be (her name appearson almost every page, sometimes multiple times),this queen has no subjects. Since fall term, themasthead has slowly thinned out; what were once afew dozen rejects are now just a few rejects. If themagazine continues on for more than another year orso without being forcibly taken over, it’ll be a god-damned miracle. The Voice may have sucked thisyear, but the way things are shaping up, next yearJen is going to shoot the moon.

WOMAN OF THE YEAR

CJ “WHAT, ME WORRY?” GABBEOh CJ, you must look back at this year and really kickyourself. You got a well-connected, marginallydiverse running mate and campaign manager, out-spent your opponents three-fold, and campaigned

your little tail off.But you lost, and bya pretty convincingmargin. And now totop it all off, you’vebeen named Womanof the Year. But,hey, look at it likethis: at least youwon something.

MAN OF THE YEAR

MELISSA “MUNGER” UNGERMelissa Unger has arrivedon the scene and has fol-lowed her brother’s foot-steps to become one of thebiggest targets for the OCthis year. For those of youwho aren’t familiar withMunger, let us give you ashort run-down: She’swasted thousands of yourdollars with OSPIRG, ille-gally campaigned on behalfof CJ and Peter as their campaign manager, and was alarge contributor to the WRC protest. Have you hadenough? We have.

STUDENT GROUP OF THE YEAR

JUSTICE FOR ALLWhat do you get when you add Scott Austin to afledgling student group? Answer: A mix of fun,excitement and pro-life hijinks. Justice For All con-tributed to probably one of the most controversialevents to hit the campus when they helped sponsor theGenocide Awareness Project last fall. In order to pro-tect the sanctity of human life, they chose to showsome of the most horrific pictures on the face of theEarth. Here’s something to remember: anything takenfrom the human body looks disgusting. It could be anaborted fetus; it could be a gall bladder — either wayit will gross you out. Now the group has been grant-ed student money so next year your incidental feeswill pay to bring the grotesque images back to cam-pus. Long live Southworth.

THE “IT WOULD ALL BE

WORTH IT IF C.J. WOULD JUST

TALK TO ME AGAIN” AWARD

Jay Breslow, ASUO phyrric victor

THE “I’VE GOT NOAM ON

THE OTHER LINE” AWARD

Sarah Jacobson,anti-globalization

flavor of the month

THE TODAY THE VOICE, TOMORROW

THE YM INTERNSHIP AWARD

Jen Evans, Voice despot

THE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD

Autumn DePoe, closing in on her first decade of undergraduate education

THE MY HEADPHONES TOLD

ME TO VOTE ‘YES’ AWARD

Michael Anthony Dixon II,not paying attention

THE BILBO BAGGINS AWARD

Randy Newnham,Suite One elf

THE I AM NOT MY AGE AWARD

Jack Clifford, Emerald heir apparent

THE WHO FORGOT TO RENEW

THE NATION SUBSCRIPTION? AWARD

Suite One collective,hierarchically-challenged

THE LIVING PROOF THAT THERE

IS AN ASUO NEWSGROUP AWARD

Autumn DePoe, Jeff Miholer,Brian Wise, bravely posting

where no one else posts

THE “GEE, I HOPE DAVE IS

STILL GONNA WRITE THAT

LETTER FOR ME” AWARD

Wylie Chen, future Eugene city councilman

THE IMPROBABLE NIKE

ENDORSEMENT AWARD

Willie Thompson,Commiehater hater

THE BEADS MAKE THE MAN AWARD

Mason West,Emerald Vince Medeiros stand-in

THE SILENT Z AWARD

Jereme Grzybowski,unpronounceable senator

THE WTO DISMANTLE-BY-ABSENTEE BALLOT AWARD

Spencer Hamlin,ASUO miniature collectible

THE NBC MUST-SEE-TV IS MY LIFE AWARD

Laura Cadiz, Emerald czar

THE THEY’LL ALL MISS

ME WHEN I’M GONE AWARD

Scott Austin, finally promising to leave, hopefully

THE “IF I MENTION THE WORD

‘BEER’ ONE MORE TIME, THEY’LL

JUST HAVE TO SPEW ME” AWARD

Jessica Timpany,Student Senate potentate

THE “WHEN AM I GOING

TO GET SPEWED IN THE

COMMENTATOR?” AWARD

Jeremy Gibons, impatient former ConCourt Chief

THE “I WASTED $6,000” AWARD

Robin Miller, ASUO FederalAffairs Tycoon

THE REGGIE WHITE AWARD

FOR GRIDIRON EVANGELISM

Ryan Schmid, Ducks religious magnate

THE “I CAN GET MY DAD TO

RECYCLE ALL OF YOU” AWARD

Mitra Anoushiravani,waste-management heiress

THE ASUO BORES THE

HELL OUT OF ME AWARD

Travis Geny, KWVA News Kingpin

THE ROTATING CAST

OF CHARACTERS AWARD

Kameron Cole; NapoleonLinardatos; Mason West; Fred

Collier; Whit Sheppard, temporary Emerald

op-editorializers

A W A R D S15JUNE 21, 2000

HONORABLE MENTION

Complaints may be directed to:ocomment@darkwing.uoregon.edu.

Please wait four to six months for sarcastic reply.

he word “diversity” gets tossed around at the U of O quitea bit, but what does it mean? According to the officialdiversity web site (http://diversity.uoregon.edu) of the UO

it means “understanding that each individual is unique, and recog-nizing our individual differences.”

“The University of Oregon considers diversity a top priority,”said David Hubin, Executive Vice-President. In fact it is such ahigh priority that they have spent more than $1.6 million of the uni-versity’s ‘99-00 budget on it. The majority of this money comesdirectly from the student in the form of tuition and incidental fees.

How much does diversity directly cost the student? With theexception of the diversity-related student unions, all of the diversi-ty spending comes from the general fund. The general fund is 65%student fees and tuition, with the rest coming from the state gov-ernment. The student unions are 100% funded by incidental fees.According to the Office of the Registrar, there were 16,342 stu-dents (full and part time) attending winter term 2000. This worksout to more than $73 per student, per year.

This year the UO offered many programs and activities aimedat increasing cultural diversity and multiculturalism. Among them:

• The Steering Committee for Diversity• Administration-sponsored speakers Edward James Olmos, Bobby Seale, Tim Wise, and Frances Fox Piven ($2000)

• Three administrators and two students sponsored to go to the Albuquerque, New Mexico “Educating All of One Nation” conference

• Ten diversity interns of summer ‘99 ($15,500)• The Administrative Team for Diversity• The President’s Council on Race• Eight administrators and three students sponsored to go to the National Convention on Race and Ethnicity

• President’s Advisory Board for the UO Native American Initiative

• Diversity-Building Scholarship program ($603,063)• UMAS & UMAS-J Scholarship (Underrepresented Minority Academic Scholarship [$293,052])

• The Bias Response team ($5000)There is also a permanent Office of Multicultural Affairs

($453,811), and as required by law, an office of AffirmativeAction. According to Hubin, the proposed Diversity Instituteshould be up and running next year. There are also several perma-nent positions devoted to diversity within various offices. Two ofthese are “Diversity Affairs Coordinator,” and “Assistant Dean ofStudent Life for Multiethnic Student Programs.” The offices ofStudent Life and Student Academic Affairs had not furnished thesebudget items by press time.

The ASUO is also very devoted to diversity: it funds some 25diversity-related student unions to the tune of $305,575 throughincidental fees. ASUO president-elect Jay Breslow put diversityon par with mathematics and reading, “It’s a core part of educa-tion.” Breslow worked closely with the President’s Office in thewake of the Johnson Hall sit-in of ‘99.

Based on the heavy emphasis placed on diversity one mightconclude that the UO is suffering from not enough minority stu-dents: this is not the case. According to the 1996 Census data forOregon, the minority fraction of the population is 12%, while theUO reported a 15% minority student population in 1998. For thisyear, President Dave Frohnmayer reports that “Acceptances for allgroups of students of color are running at about 150% of last year’sfigures.” In spite of these numbers, it seems that increasing theminority student population is very important to those in charge ofallocating funds. When asked if he thought the current diversityspending was justified, given the racial statistics, Breslow respond-ed, “We have to do better than [Oregon’s minority population].The diversity budget is justified and should be augmented.”

The ten diversity interns and the Steering Committee for

12 OREGON COMMENTATOR

DIVERSITY U.

Witness the horror as intrepid OC reporter Brandon Oberlin delves into the dehumanizing depravity of the University’s diversity policy.

BY BRANDON OBERLIN

T

Diversity were established to meet thedemands given by the Johnson Hall sit-inprotesters last summer. The only thing theten interns produced was a video aboutdiversity and a $15,500 bill for thePresident’s Office. This is a clear case ofthe administration slapping a band-aid onthe problem to pacify the protest crowd.The “problem” here is hard to define. Theprotesters claimed it was the “climate ofintolerance” that they were responding to,but in reality there have only been a coupleof isolated incidents, nothing like the sup-posed pattern of racial inequality they con-tend. The administration did the politicallysmart thing in this case: they made a rela-tively minor cash commitment and set up atemporary diversity internship. “I don’t seethe diversity internships being continued,”stated Hubin. What have the diversityinterns and other such programs at the UOactually accomplished? They certainly

haven’t changed the “climate of intoler-ance” because there is no “climate of intol-erance.” Eugene is easily the most liberaland tolerant campus in the state, and alongwith Berkeley and Evergreen, one of themost on the West coast. This was a non-issue from the start, with the proper non-response from the administration. “We’renot saying ‘throw money at this,’” Hubinsaid. “The amount of money currentlybeing spent is appropriate.” At least oneperson in charge of the budget isn’t pledg-ing huge sums of other people’s money fornon-issues.

The stated goals of the diversity-mind-ed are nebulous at best, but they do all haveone common denominator: a fixation onpolitically correct issues. Gender, sexualorientation, and particularly race are thecentral issues of those who administratethese exclusive programs. It is interestinghow the very people who tout a “colorblind

society” constantly make race a central partof their agenda. It’s no different with genderand sexual orientation. Sometimes though,the diversity issue takes on a more ominoustone. While commenting on the fragmentednature of the diversity bureaucracy, Breslowsaid, “We need to coordinate efforts. Theproblem right now is that there’s no systemof audits. If we had a central diversity orga-nization we’d be able to evaluate people andhold them accountable.”

Academics should not be sacrificed forgoals that are unattainable at best and socialengineering at worst. Money that is spentby the university should be spent on educa-tion and not on special interests who areonly concerned with spending other peo-ple’s money on their pet programs.

13JUNE21, 2000

Brandon Oberlin, a sophomore majoringin biology, is a staff writer for theOREGON COMMENTATOR

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OREGON COMMENTATOR10

BROWN BAGGING 101

BY TED WHITAKER PHOTOS BY DAN ATKINSON

hen the sun comes out, we dress down. “Skin to win” seems to be the commondenominator for the fabricated contest of sexual appeal. This is not true for every-thing. The 40oz lives in a strange world where its garnishing appears opposite to

that of the season we all tend to close in on nudity. That’s right people, it’s time to breakout those trusty jackets and take it to the streets.

Despite our nature to want to be in the sun, our booze seldom gets to see the light of day.Does that mean we must continue to confine ourselvesin local brothels and stuffy apartments to support “thecause” as we have all winter? No, and there is a simplebrown option.

The art of brown bagging is now reaching its peakseason, and as Ice Cube once said, “you need to checkyourself before you wreck yourself.” Are your skillsup to par? The OLCC does not grant special rights toour intoxicating glass enclosed friends during the suninduced season, so it is up to you to make sure they con-tinue to make it to the party. Help yourself by helpingothers and jot down these handy tips on covert drinkingoperations.

1. Figure one shows you what you will need (Duh).

2. Not only does your trusty brown bag conceal your incriminating partner, it also insu-lates during that high noon sun. Make sure to get that initial roll down nice and tight.

3. Can you palm a basketball, didn’t think so. Make it easier on yourself with this multi-purpose handle, good for chugging, passing and pouring a little out for yo’ dead homies yo’.

4. Now, as the nearly all-white hip-hop group named the Young Black Teenagers once said“tap the bottle and twist the cap.” The rest is up to you. Might I suggest chicken wings,“Shaft,” and some Excedrin for the morning.

5. Don’t make this mistake when at the quickie mart, ask the clerk for the wino bag. Withthis scenario you might as well try hijacking Cuban cigars in a jellyfish.

The critical roll-down. This allows formaximum insulation. It is also thecore for the next step. Don’t be a“busta” — get it right.

Here is your handle, here is your spout,when you get all steamed up, pour itinto the old gullet.

Maybe someday we’ll all be able toget em’off the shelf like this, right nextto the Torq display. Don’t forget theCorn Nuts.

The goods: your favorite malted mix-ture and ol’ browny. Get the rightsize; they have em’ for 24 and 16 oz.cans too.

W

1

2

3

4

Hear ye, hear ye, brown bagging proclaimed inconspic-uous by all! Heed said advice for care free debauchery.

11JUNE 21, 2000

Forty ouncers,porno mags,small childrenand procre-ation: somethings are justbetter off notwrapped inplastic.

It’s OK to pour a little out for... you knowwho, but this is ridiculous. What a waste.Quick, get a sponge and an empty glass!

Shake what your mama gave you, butdon’t toss the sauce. Start a collectioninstead. It’ll be off the streets andyou’ll have some mementos.

6. Here is a good example of mistake number two. Now where do you expect to get anoth-er $2.29 from?

7. Finally, pick up after yourself. Don’t leave cleverly concealed bottles laying around inpublic. The less EPD sees this kind of thing, the less they are going to look for it whilethey’re in action. Besides, you don’t want to give away your secrets. They could come inhandy during finals week.

5 6

7

OREGON COMMENTATOR16

f you’re looking for brilliant and insightful writing, pleasedo not read any further. However, if a trite ramble is whattickles your fancy, then continue on.

June 10, 2000 marks the day I get paroled from the Universityof Oregon. I have done my time and the board is letting me outearly for good behavior. Now it is decision time.

When I graduated from high school it was a foregone con-clusion that I would be attending the University of Oregon. Yousee, I was too lazy to fill out any college applications. My mom,a UO alum, filled out the UO application on my behalf and Isigned my name to it. That fateful signature landed me in Eugenefour years ago, and I’ve been here ever since.

My mom has put her foot down now and demanded that Istart filling out my own applications for grad schools, jobs, thePeace Corps, etc. This has severely hampered my post-bacprospects. Luckily, I coerced my girlfriend into filling out a cou-ple of applications, and so far the UO Law School and the Subwayat Valley River Center are the only places that have shown anyinterest in me for next year.

Well, I don’t know how I feel about being a lawyer or aSandwich Artist. I’ve never been very “artsy,” and the legal pro-fession has too many egotistical, assholes in it to support onemore like me. So here I sit, befuddled.

I think I just realized what the problem is: I lack the neces-sary skills to get a good job. I made the decision when I enteredcollege to major in political science and to minor in business andeconomics. I am now realizing that these decisions have crippledmy chance for success. I have been tested on my ability to thinkabout what others think about things. Who is going to pay menow to think about what others think? I’m not smart enough towork for a Washington think tank. They want people fromHarvard, Columbia, and Stanford working for them, not becausethey’re any smarter, but for some reason people listen a little clos-er to a fancy school graduate than to a UO grad. Go figure.

I took a class from Professor Jerry Medler in the Fall of 1997regarding political power. The most profound statement he madewas one day during lecture he stated, “You people are not elitestudents, I am not an elite professor, and this is not an elite uni-

ALRIGHT, I’VE HAD ENOUGHFour years, many thousands of dollars, and untold billions of brain cells later,

Andy Combs rides off into the sunset, leaving the place as he found it: mediocre.

BY ANDY COMBS

I

versity.” This just didn’t slip out of Jerry’smouth either. I could tell that he hadthought about this, and I also knew that hewas damn right. On the next quizProfessor Medler asked a True/False ques-tion asking us if we were elite students atan elite university being taught by an eliteprofessor. The correct answer was “false.”

I’ve thought about that statement a lotover the past three years. We really aren’telite here. We’re a second-rate school.Even our athletic programs that get every-one all excited about are second-rate.When was the last time an Oregon sportsteam did well in the post-season?Whenever it was, it was prior to my enroll-ment here.

I could have chosen to attend OregonState and possibly could have learned howto do something practical like engineering,animal husbandry, or forestry. But I’dprobably still be lost and confused andalready fed up with learning about treesand trying to get a goat to screw a cow inorder to get some new hybrid milk chain.

The UO is not a bad school, but it isnot too good either. It’s the home to medi-ocrity. To get anything from this placeyou cannot rely solely on your academicrecord, because that will not get yourespect from grad schools or employersnot directly related to the UO.Extracurricular activities are the key tohaving success here. If it was not for thethings I did out of the classroom, I wouldhave absolutely no chance of going any-where after graduation.

The main problem is that this schoolplaces the importance of its athletic pro-grams far over anything else including aca-demics, music, or the arts. Most people arecontent to know that as long as the Oregonsports teams are doing well than it doesn’tmatter how we stand anywhere else. Theadministration hopes that a good footballteam will attract incoming students, butthis strategy leaves our core learning areasignored.

This logic angers me greatly, becauseit is the same thing I saw in my small townhigh school. We had no AP classes and thelowest SAT scores of any high school in

southern Oregon, but it was all okaybecause our cross country, basketball, andwrestling programs were in good shape. Ifa kid got a scholastic scholarship to attenda college he or she was given a minimalamount of praise. But if some soon-to-bewashed-up athlete received some type oftuition waive at a community college itwas like he or she had just got drafted intothe pros.

To get a full picture of just howentrenched our little system of rewardingathletes is here, look no further than to theAlumni Association. Towards the end ofMay they held a senior send-off with freepizza from the Residence Halls. A com-mon passerby would probably think howgreat it was for the Alumni Association tohold such an event, but let’s take a littlecloser look.

The event’s main purpose was not forthe seniors but rather a shameless promo-tion for the Alumni Association. Theywanted to let us seniors know how impor-tant it is to give as an alum of this greatschool and gave us free pizza and a CD

holders to let us know that they caredabout the common student. Well, if youreally think that the Alumni Associationgives one thought towards the averageUO student, then you are sadly mistaken.The majority of the money collected frompast graduates through the AlumniAssociation goes directly to athletes.Until the UO changes its policies con-cerning athletics, the university will con-tinue to have problems attracting topnotch students and faculty.

Enough of that; I don’t want to sit hereand bitch about athletics. This is my lastpiece and just want to say all in all, I’vehad a fun time here at the UO. Also, youyounger folks think that it may seem like along time away, but graduation will comefor you too. Well, partner, I’m saddlin’ upand heading off into the sunset. It has beena pleasure.

SO FAR THE UO LAW SCHOOL AND THE SUBWAY

AT VALLEY RIVER CENTER ARE THE ONLY PLACES

THAT HAVE SHOWN ANY INTEREST IN ME FOR

NEXT YEAR. I DON’T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT

BEING A LAWYER OR A SANDWICH ARTIST.

17JUNE 21, 2000

Andy Combs, a senior double majoring insadism and masochism, is Publisher forthe OREGON COMMENTATOR

OREGON COMMENTATOR18 *Go to the Online Extra section at http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~ocomment to view the emails yourself.

that work in the Nike factories would domore harm than good. There is a differentstandard of living there, we can’t expect toput American living standards into thosecountries. Throughout the evening, thepeople who we talked to were agreeing tothese points and others with us.

OC: What kind of people?

B: Random groups of people we knewand did not know were all saying the samething.

OC: So pretty much what you are sayingis that you got feedback the same way thatstatistical information is traditionallygathered for any type of measurement.

A: Yes, we were inspired by what wewere hearing, and what you hear on thestreet is what is happening not what youhear in the news paper.

B: News paper, television, or the groupthat is being interviewed by television.It’s the same damn group that is going togo and protest the Snowy Egret next weekthat is endangered in New Zealand.Chances are they will have only half theinformation again.

OC: Did any kind of preparation go into this?

A: There was no preparation, it wasspontaneous. The only preparation was....

B: [Laughing] Drinking! Standing inline at Circle K.

OC: So how do you feel about the fingerpointing that went on afterward?

B: Again, It shows a lack of informa-tion. It’s like calling the kettle black. Itwas similar to what happened during theMcCarthy era. They needed a scapegoat.

A: The only finger-pointing that shouldbe apologized for is the finger-pointing atMr. Phil Knight.

OC: What about these emails* that weretraded back and fourth.

B: Brian Wise had his facts straight, ,and wasn’t making fun of anybody. Thisguy Scott Austin on the other hand simplyripped on people, there are no facts, hedoesn’t state an argument, he doesn’t sup-port his comments, there is absolutelynothing in here that says he is educated.

OC: What was the deal with you beingquestioned by the authorities?

B: Yes, I was questioned about the situ-ation but luckily for me I was wearingcamoflague so I guess they had a hard timeseeing me.

OC: Do you feel that OPS did their job?

B: What job?

OC: Wasn’t there supposed to be someraw meat involved instead of just eggs?

A: Yes, but it is too expensive, wewould have thrown Malaysians but we did-n’t know where to buy any.

Not everything that happens on cam-pus is the result of a big-headed studentorganization. This proves that somebodyout there is paying attention: like ants inyour house, if you see a few, there is boundto be a nest nearby. If only they all hadthe guts to come out at once. So the warof ideas continues, and as sure as futureprotests are being contemplated, so too arethe gears turning in the minds of the reac-tionaries.

EGG MEN, FROM PAGE 6

whatnot as an official campaign action, fel-low candidate (and close runner-up to Mr.Austin in the ASUO heretic category)Autumn DePoe alleged that giving food tovoters constituted bribery. The ConstitutionCourt agreed, but could not remove Gabbeand Larson from the ballot due to an erroron the Elections Board’s part. So, the littleweasels got off on a technicality. Eventualvictors Hay and Jolly (as it were) used theunapologetic stance of their rivals to greatadvantage with a string of Got Ethics? cam-paign posters. Despite Gabbe’s campaignbudget of several thousand dollars, thirtydozen or so campaign volunteers/amateurspin doctors and unabashed manipulation ofthe system, they somehow lost the race.

SOUTHWORTHOSPIRG sends the money it collects

from student fees to its parent group/politi-cal lobby in Portland for reasons for them toknow and you to not ask; it goes withoutsaying that they are unethical, and perhapseven evil. Now, thanks to the Wisconsin v.Southworth ruling, they now have theSupreme Court’s permission to inexplicablycharge each and every student $9 for itsmeaningless political maneuvering. Thecase was brought by students at theUniversity of Wisconsin who objected to

paying incidental fees to support studentprograms they didn’t agree with – foremostbeing the political machine called thePIRGs. After considering the possibility ofallowing an option for students to directtheir portion of the fees away from particu-lar groups, the Court ultimately ruled thatstudents must pay the fee, so long as it isdistributed according to some unbiased,impartial method from Never-Never Land.Thus, OSPIRG et al, are safe – for now.

DO YOU AGREE WITH RYAN?If drinking doesn’t fill that painful void

inside of you, then religion is surely your lasthope. At least that’s what Ducks football cen-ter Ryan Schmid – the utterly idiotic, goonishfigurehead of the Do You Agree With Ryan?campaign – thinks. Our good friends inCampus Ministries unveiled the evangelicalassault over a two-week period this spring,with the full cooperation of the Emerald,which was clued in long before the ubiquitousquestion was put in context. This venture canbest be described as a third-rate Jesuswannabe backed up by a fourth-rate mediamachine. Alas, Ryan was not the Messiah, butwhen the son of God finally does show up,we’ll recognize him not by the halo and trum-pet herald, but by the football uniform, full-page newspaper ads, and slipshod rally.

WORKER RIGHTS CONSORTIUMBlah blah blah blah student protests

blah campus-wide division blah blah blahblah blah blah blah national media attentionblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahdown with Nike blah blah blah blah properlegal channels blah blah blah blah weeklongsit-in blah blah blah blah Phil Knight pullsout blah blah blah blah Sarah Jacobson blahblah blah blah victory for student democra-cy blah blah blah blah dead grass.

1999-2000 was another dismal year ofposturing and inflation of things that,beyond campus, are incredibly minor. TheGAP’s dead baby gallery made people ill,frats went dry against their will, CJ almostgot elected Prez, and Phil Knight won’t giveus any more money. Somehow, the worldkeeps on turning and we manage to get upeach morning. The same things will happennext year, the year after that, and the yearafter that. Campus events may seem high-pressured and exciting to the handful of uswho care – but will never, ever make a damnbit of difference outside this podunk town.

19JUNE 21, 2000

Brian Boone, a junior majoring inJournalism, is the designated driverfor the OREGON COMMENTATOR

THE YEAR, FROM PAGE 9

his is it: classes are ending; people are marching awayfrom the world of used books and smelly bars and into theworld of paychecks and financed cars. I feel very much a

part of this progression, being a senior and knowing a lot of peo-ple who are graduating. I also feel excluded from it, being that Istill have leftover incompletes from fall term and a needed class Icannot get into this summer, my supposedly last term, because ofthat deficiency. I am in self-imposed limbo. I don’t know whathappened. I had it all together when I arrived in this enigmaticburg a few years ago. Really, very together. Then at some point Idecided, without deciding, to become a wordsmith at the expenseof all other pursuits. I decided without deciding that the agony inthis world is more interesting than the satisfaction. So I have nodegree to show you. You will fax your resumes all over the coun-try and settle for a flavorless but well-paying job and put a downpayment on a house; I will wallow around and possibly finish mydegree and wind up a hypocritical advice columnist for some pub-lication I haven’t heard of yet. I am tempted to suggest that tomake a value judgment would be to miss the point — but suchassumes that I know what the point is, which I most certainly donot. All that I do know may be distilled into a collection of anemic

observations, most of which owe their existence to my search forthe everlasting hangover. Here’s what I really learned in college:

• People have little taste for sincerity. People revel in beingduped, which they call entertainment, and it satisfies their urge toescape all the other ways in which they can’t help being duped,and it makes them feel victorious. “Look at that over-sincerejackass,” people say. “By laughing at him I am better than him. Ibelieve that he is a dupe.” Somewhere a pathetic pantheon ofgods convenes to howl with ridicule at humanity.

• As humans, the act of being born constitutes a swindling ofthe world. While here we tend to take more than we give.

• You are quick to point out that (as far as we know) we do notchoose to be born. In a sense it is an act of violence that the worldperpetrates against us. It creates us, then commands us to apolo-gize. In response we conquer it for no apparent purpose.

• The only way to validate the experience of being alive is topress our love upon the world with all our strength, in every

20 OREGON COMMENTATOR

WHAT I REALLY

LEARNED IN

COLLEGEIn one fell two-page swoop

the over-educated Bryan Roberts

exposes the very pointlessness

of that over-education.

BY BRYAN ROBERTS

T

The views expressed in this column are those of Bryan Roberts, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of the OREGON COMMENTATOR.

McC

oy

instance. The trouble is that such anapproach is suicidal. The world has nosympathy for vulnerability, however braveor ethical. We are forced to love witheconomy.

• Drunken one-night stands simply donot lead to fulfilling romantic relation-ships. They may, however, sometimescomplement some very interesting friend-ships.

• If you desire moderate and stable suc-cess in a life of crime, go into lawenforcement. On top of all the free drugsyou’ll score in your “busts,” you’ll alsoreceive unprecedented opportunities tounleash your demoniac tensions uponsociety’s castaways. The state will sanc-tion this activity and sponsor a respectablehome life for you and your family, con-spicuously free of any hassle from yourneighbors, who will be dreadfully afraidof you. Or you could join the mob. Samething, really, but the law enforcement gigis far more stable. Eventually it maybecome monotonous. If you really want tomake a killing at the expense of your morehonest fellow humans, your best bet is torun for public office.

• Segregation is a time-honored toolinvented by evolutionary forces, imple-mented voluntarily and without ceremonyby humans far more often than by states,which preserves the integrity of evolution-ary phenomena — ideologies and prefer-ences just as often as races or classes —and allows them to flourish. Find a black-clad anarchist, a door-to-door evangelist,and a sports fan on his way home fromHooters all engaged in friendly, respectful,and agenda-less interaction, and you shallwitness not only the elusive answer tohumankind’s desperate search for peacebut also a retirement of those evolutionaryforces, an encroachment upon the integri-ty of those disparate groups which will

meet vehement resistance from the groupsthemselves. For me to admit that I am nodifferent from you is to alienate myselffrom all groups to which I already belong,and to be different from them.

• In 1668 Thomas Hobbes undertookthe impossible task of rendering a century-long war between two Christian empirescompatible with the obvious pacifism ofthe Gospel by declaring that all men arenaturally at war and that it is only by sub-mitting to a social contract, an explicitagreement, that men may be at peace. This

social contract he equated with Jesus’Golden Rule, “Do unto others as youwould have them do unto you.” Whetheror not Hobbes was correct is not nearly sopertinent a question as these: Why did thewhole of Europe, even and especiallythose who never read this philosophy, takeHobbes’ conclusion as fact and proceed towage war against the whole of the unpre-pared world in the interest of forcing it tosign the contract? And why have theaggressors refused to sign the damn thingin the wake of their victory?

• Philosophy is at best an interestingway of reiterating that we don’t know any-thing. Since most people find this unpalat-able, philosophy becomes a sophisticatedway of talking in circles to produce theillusion that we know everything.

• Any attempt to save face in an embar-rassing situation is a proclamation of youracceptance of the ignominy. To rage

against it is to flail your arms in feebleresistance to your consumption by amalevolent beast..• To expect a social movement of anysort to stand up to the trial of logic is todemand that a non-entity exist as an enti-ty. Social movements never exist as uni-fied ideas; they are bundles of various andsometimes disparate passions. To agreewith the movement is to identify with oneor more of these strains of passion, possi-bly because your mind, which you mightthink of as logical, can grasp it and tell

you a story about it. Or your agreementmight simply mean your failure to standdefiant in this passion’s path.

• Nothing that is written on this page istruth. Everything is an approximation ofsubjective observations. Truth really is achimera, no matter what these sophists tryto tell you. A very unfunny kind of ironylies in the impossibility of relating the ver-ity of such an idea from one party toanother, from me to you.

There you have it: a shining monument toa college education. I’ll see you in theunemployment office; or perhaps you’llrun across me near your horoscope.

DRUNKEN ONE-NIGHT STANDS SIMPLY DO NOT

LEAD TO FULFILLING ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS.THEY MAY, HOWEVER, SOMETIMES COMPLEMENT

SOME VERY INTERESTING FRIENDSHIPS.

21JUNE 21, 2000

Bryan Roberts, a senior majoring inEnglish, is a featured columnist for theOREGON COMMENTATOR

22 OREGON COMMENTATOR

ON OUR VERY OWN FALSE CHRIST

ON BETTER LIVING THROUGH DOUCHEBAGGERY

ON LUCRETIA MACEVILWhen the workers from the Dominican Republic are makingthese hats, they make them with all the care and love that theycan because they know that these hats are going to be going tostudents in the United States and we want the students at the uni-versity to wear these hats.—Former Nike slave and current anti-Nike activist Roselio Reyesat the Knight Law school. We American hat-wearers appreciatethe love, Rosie, but it’s the blood, sweat and tears that really sell.Thirty thousand more hats, stat!

ON GOOD TASTE

You guys can go about your business. By the way, we commendyou on your choice of whiskey.—EPD officer to an OC staffer passed out on his own back lawn,clutching a bottle of Knob Creek. That EPD: they may be fascists,but they sure do know their liquor. Excelsior!

Start freelancing for newspapers, magazines, and try to sell yourjournalism assignments/stories. Most importantly, start workingfor campus publications like the Oregon Daily Emerald, Oregons, and of course FLUX.—Rob Elder, in the zone. Hey Rob, we noticed you accidentallyleft us off the list. Where’s the love, Rob? Where’s the love?

Here is advice from Rob Elder, a senior who has been an internat the Redmond Spokesman, Warner Bros., the MilwaukeeJournal Sentinel, The Oregonian, the San Jose Mercury Newsand Premier Magazine.—From an email to J-majors, highlighting the wisdom of OregonVoice Douchebag Emeritus, Rob Elder. How many internshipsdoes it take to get yourself a real job?

Sarah is a remarkable human being, capable of juggling and bal-ancing the most intense passions for justice with an uncompro-mising rigor for intellectual clarity and honesty... What can I sayother than that I believe she models some of the greatest humanvirtues of our time.—Michael Dreiling, assistant professor of Sociology describingSarah Jacobson to the Eugene Weekly, in the June 1 edition.Man, is somebody trying too hard to get laid, or what?

I saw people being exploited and forced into depleting their ownnatural resources.—Sarah Jacobson, from the same article, explaining her decisionto pursue student activism. We understand how she feels. Afterall, it isn’t fair how impoverished third world countries have todeplete their own resources to survive, while here in civilizationwe get to make things materialize out of thin air.

23JUNE 21, 2000

ON PEOPLE ARE ASIAN, RUGS ARE ORIENTAL

ON KAZAAM!

ON THEN AGAIN...

The Bloodhound Gang’s “Yellow Fever” — whose chorus is“Chinky chinky bang bang I love you / Chinky chinky bang bangI hope you love me too” has drawn the ire of a coalition of theUniversity of Maryland’s student unions, which plan a protest ofthe band’s Friday night on-campus concert.—An emailed call to action, forwarded from Maryland to ocom-ment@darkwing.uoregon.edu. If the lyrics don’t offend your sen-sibilities, then rest assured: the rest of the music will.

Are you bilingual? I was wondering if you were, because yoursyntax in your paper is just a little, well, off, and it sounded kindof Asian. And since your last name is “Rice,” I thought thatmaybe you were Asian.—J312 Professor Deanna Robinson, handing back an assign-ment to an indisputably caucasian student. Just another exampleof the institutional racism that runs rampant at this university.

ON THE GRIZZ[Student Senator Jereme Grzybowski] traces his political “awak-ening” to a high school environmental group field trip to Salemwhere he observed OSPIRG staffers being ignored by lawmak-ers and business interests.—Eugene Weekly, June 1, highlighting the utter uselessness ofthe our favorite whipping PIRG. Thanks for the help, Jereme, butwhich side of the battle are you supposed to be on?

The whole song is about how I want to bang an Asian girl. —The Bloodhound Gang’s Jimmy Pop, in response. Jimmy’s realcrime isn’t his insensitivity to the peoples of Asia; it’s his insen-sitivity to the ears of discriminating (as it were) listeners expect-ing more than a chintzy drum track and a half-sung drone.

I’m the big Aristotle.—Los Angeles Lakers center and mental midget ShaquilleO’Neal, during the Lakers-Kings series of the NBA Playoffs.How did he fare? Big, yes; Aristotle, no. That’s one for two,Shaq — a little better than your free throw percentage.

Mon

day

Som

ebod

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kill

me.

Volu

me:

Bac

ardi

151

, Is

sue:

773

4

Sportz!

With the Ducks’

athletic seasons

over, the

Eugene

Anarchists are

ready to take

on the Eugene

Police for the

second time in

The Flash

Phil Knight donates $30 million to

BY BIT BITTER

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unity

Col

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mat

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been

.”W

EATHER

Yesterday:

Tomorrow:

Turn

to Moolah,

page

6

Uni

vers

ity

of O

rego

nEu

gene

, O

rygu

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ind

ie n

ewsp

aper

ww

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tile

proj

ect.

com

on

t

he

w

eb

Full moon

Total

eclipse

Above: the concrete exterior of the LCC complex,

soon to be replaced with slabs of the finest marble

known to man. Right: The enigmatic philanthropist,

Phil “Bucky” Knight.