THE SIMPSONS

"Illuminati and Cheese"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. GAME SHOW SET - DAY

SKIP SKIPPERADINKYDOO (45) is hosting a game show. ProfessorFrink, Homer, and Disco Stu are the contestants. Lisa,Marge, and Bart are among the 30 people in the STUDIOAUDIENCE.

SKIP(to Audience / camera)

Welcome to Tele-Trivia. Im yourhost, Skip Skipperadinkydoo--andthis is the lowest budget show inTV history. I actually got paidmore when I was doing migrant farmwork in Guadalajara. But then Ithought, with a name like SkipSkipperadinkydoo, I either have tobe a game show host, or thespokesman for Dindery Doodles--theworlds only snack food you can eatwithout opening yourmouth. Alright! Our contestantstoday are John Nerdelbaum Frink,Jr., Homer Simpson, and Disco Stu.

BART(calls out)

Homer, Homer, hes our man! If hecant do it, its because hes toodumb.

HOMERWhy you little!

Homer runs up to Bart and starts choking him.

SKIPHomer--please stop choking thestudio audience.

HOMERHes my son.

SKIPOh. Well, then--continue choking.

Homer chokes Bart for a few more seconds, and then walksback to the contestants area.

SKIPAnd heres our first question.

2.

PROFESSOR FRINKIll take Star Trek for 2000, Alex.

HOSTNice try, Professor--but this isntJeopardy. Its Tele-Trivia. AndDindery Doodles are part of acomplete, nutritious dinner.

(to all three contestants)OK. Heres our first question. For$10. What Hee-haw character wasrepeatedly hit over the head with arubber chicken?

HOMERUm. I dont have a buzzer.

SKIPWe cant afford buzzers. Just raiseyour hand.

Homer raises his hand.

HOMERSamuel B. Sternwheeler

SKIPThats correct! You just won $10.

HOSTWoo-hoo!

SKIPHowever, we charge a $5 service feeany time you answer a questioncorrectly.

HOMERDoh! ... Wait a second. You charge$5 whenever whenever Im right?

SKIPThats correct! And were gonnahave to charge you another $5 forthat second correct answer.

HOMERBut I wasnt even answering aquestion that time.

SKIPThats correct! And that bringsyour total down to negative $5.

3.

Skip walks up to Homer, takes Homers wallet out of hispocket, and removes a $5 bill.

MARGEHomer. Try not to say so manycorrect things.

INT. WHITE HOUSE MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

BARACK OBAMA and MICHELLE OBAMA are in bed and watching theTele-Trivia show on TV.

MICHELLE OBAMABarack. Why are we watching thisgarbage? Youre President of theUnited States, and Im the FirstLady. We should be watchingsomething something moredignifying.

BARACK OBAMAYeah. Says the woman who, fivehours ago, was binge watching TheReal Housewives of Orange Country.

INT. GAME SHOW SET - DAY

SKIP(to all three contestants)

OK. For $10. This tough man is bestknown for playing B.A. Baracus onthe 1980s action series The A-Team.

Disco Stu holds a Travolta-like disco pose, and it appearsas if hes raising his hand.

SKIPDisco Stu.

DISCO STUI wasnt raising my hand. Disco Stuwas just doing his daily discostretch.

(does the disco move with hisleft arm and then his rightarm)

Disco left, disco right, shake thatbooty day and night.

Professor Frink raises his hand.

4.

SKIPProfessor Frink.

PROFESSOR FRINKWell. Im not familiar with TheA-Team. But you said "1980s" and"tough man," which leads me tobelieve youre referring to the1980s celebrity Mr. Tough, morecommonly known as Mr. T.

SKIPYou just won $10, minus a $5service charge, and minus a $5 feebecause you provided too muchcommentary with your answer.

(to Everyone)OK. Were out ofquestions. Homer--Ill give you $6to wrestle Disco Stu.

HOMERUm. OK.

Homer starts wrestling Disco Stu.

MARGE(to Lisa)

Dont forget, Lisa. All of yourfathers winnings are going rightinto your college fund.

LISA(unenthusiastically)

Woo-hoo. Community college, here Icome.

SKIP(listens in to earpiece)

OK. The network is telling me thatweve spent too much onelectricity, and were now overbudget.

The lights turn off.

INT. MOES TAVERN - DAY

Barney, Carl, and Lenny are seated at the bar while Moebartends.

Homer walks in.

5.

MOEWell, if it isnt Mr. Tele-Trivia.

CARLLet me ask you something, Homer. Onwhat 1960s TV show did Jerry VanDyke play a man whose mother was acar?

HOMERI believe that show was called MyMother the Car.

BARNEYThat was its own show? I thought itwas a 28 part episode of TheTwilight Zone.

LENNY(to Homer)

Well heres something I bet youdont know about TV. Thegovernment controls the show ModernFamily, and uses it to send secretmessages that make you want to eatmore cheese.

BARNEYI knew there was something strangeabout that show. I mean, I donttrust any program where JimmyRiddle is eefing, and the HamboneBrothers are slapping their knees.

MOENo, Barney. Youre thinking ofHee-haw.

(to Lenny)So Lenny--you were telling ussomething about cheese.

LENNYYeah. The Illuminatis behind itall. They control almosteverything.

HOMERUm. Ive never heard you sayanything like that before.

LENNYWell. Lets just say that Iverecently had my eyes opened.

6.

CARLAnd your brain removed.

LENNYYou sound like one of the sheepleright now.

HOMERSo youre, um, a whatchamacallit?

LENNYWell. Some people call it aconspiracy theorist. But for thoseof us who arent sheeple, we dontuse the c-word.

HOMERChimichanga?

LENNYConspiracy theorist.

HOMERI was pretty close.

BARNEYWait. Werent you guys once part ofa secret society?

MOENo, Barney. Youre still thinkingof Hee-haw.

LENNYActually, we used to be a member ofthe Stonecutters. But it turns outthat theyre even more misinformedthan the sheeple.

CARLHomer. What do you think of all ofthis?

HOMEROh. Well. Moe. What do you think ofall this?

MOEI just sell beer. I dont knownothing about no sheeple or cheese.

7.

LENNY(to Everyone)

You see. Moe is actually moreenlightened than most of society.

CARLIf hes so enlightened, then howcome hes using a toilet plunger toscratch his back?

Moe is scratching his back with a toilet plunger.

LENNY(to Everyone)

The point is, Moe knows what hedoesnt know. The government wantsus to think we know what we dontknow. I read all about it on theinternet.

CARLLenny. Do you know what types ofpeople post stuff on the internet?People like Moe and Barney.

MOEThats true. Ive left 1500 YouTubecomments about how Im not really asex offender, even though the statemakes me register as a sexoffender.

CARL(to Lenny)

And Barney Instagrams videos wherehe classifies his burps accordingto the Dewey Decimal system.

Barney is holding his cell phone and recording himself.

BARNEY(burps) That was a nonfiction burp,and it goes under 895.33J, rightbetween (burps) and (burps).

LENNY(to Everyone)

The internet is also used forspreading the truth about thegovernment, and about how AdamSandler and Adam Levine areactually vampires.

8.

CARLLenny. If you want to learn aboutthe world, then by all means do.But all this stuff about thegovernment and cheese andvampires--it makes no sense.

LENNYI see. And how do I know youre notone of the reptilian aliens whocontrol the world?

CARLYou know perfectly well that Imnot a reptile. Youve even seen myDNA analysis.

LENNYThat was your short form DNAanalysis.

HOMERHes got you there, Carl. If thatis your real name, Johnny.

INT. SIMPSONS HOME - DAY

Marge is in the kitchen. Homer walks in. Marges back is toHomer.

HOMERWhats for dinner?

MARGEI ordered a pizza.

Marge turns around holding a pizza in an open box.

HOMER(scared)

Ah! The cheese!

MARGEI thought you loved cheese.

HOMEROh yeah.

He grabs a slice with each hand, and starts scarfing theslices down.

9.

HOMERMarge. Next time, order extracheese.

Marge puts the pizza on the kitchen table.

MARGE(calls out)

Kids! Dinner!

HOMERYou know, Lenny said some of thestrangest things today at the bar.

Bart and Lisa walk in, sit down, and start eating.

MARGEWhich ones Lenny again?

HOMERYou know the black guy I hang outwith all the time? Lennys theother guy. And he said that theworld is controlled by theIlluminati, and Carl needs topresent his long form DNA analysisto prove hes not a reptilianalien.

MARGESo Lennys a conspiracy theoristnow?

HOMERYes. But dont use the c-wordaround him.

BARTCrouton?

Helen Lovejoy is standing on the other side of their windowand listening in.

HELEN LOVEJOYPlease dont use the c-word in thisneighborhood! I mean, the children!Will somebody please think of thechildren!

BARTI am the children.

She walks away.

10.

HOMERI meant, "conspiracy theorist."Dont say "conspiracytheorist" around Lenny. And dontsay "alcoholic" around Barney. Heconsiders that the a-word. Heprefers the term "booze hound."

LISAYou know, conspiracy theories havegained a great deal of popularityduring the internet era. I mean,when youre online, and you findyourself surrounded by thousands ofpeople promoting the same belief,you become much more willing toaccept the idea that the moonlanding is a hoax, or that PaulMcCartney died in 1966, or thatreptilian aliens are running theworld.

HOMEROh. That reminds me. Dont use theword "hoax" around Moe. He doesntlike words that have two vowelsbefore an x. Oh--and dont use theword "chilax" around Flanders.

MARGEWell. I for one am really concernedabout Lenny.

HOMERMarge. Will you just chilax?

MARGEI am not gonna chilax. I dont wantLenny to get sucked into some crazybelief system.

HOMERYou didnt even know which personLenny was a minute ago.

MARGEBut Im very fond of both of thoseguys. And since youreLennys friend, its your duty toset him straight.

11.

HOMERI thought my duty as a friend wasto back up any lies he tells hiswife.

MARGEHes not married. ... Wait asecond. Does he back up the liesthat you tell me?

HOMERMarge. Chilax.

MARGEStop saying chilax.

INT. POWER PLANT LUNCH ROOM - DAY

Carl, Lenny, and Homer are seated at a table and eatinglunch.

CARLManning was really on fire. I cantbelieve the Broncos won. That wasthe best fourth quarter comebackIve ever seen in my life.

LENNYMe, too. The Illuminati couldnthave scripted it any better. Imean, by bombarding us withexciting sporting events, thatshow they get us to eat less cheese.

CARLWait a second. I thought you saidthat they want us to eat morecheese.

LENNYThey want us to eat more cheese,and then eat less cheese. When ourcheese consumption is inconsistent,thats when our minds become easyto control. And thats why I eatexactly 1.47 ounces of cheese aday, every day. Oh--and on aslightly related note, did Imention that Adam Sandler is avampire?

12.

HOMERYes. And on a completely unrelatednote,

(hands out a few sheets ofpaper)

heres my weekly list of new liesIve told Marge, that I need youguys to back up.

Carl reads part of the list.

CARLYou told her we spent all Saturdayshopping for containers at TheContainer Store?

A SPY in a ninja suit is standing several yards away fromthem.

INT. MR. BURNSS OFFICE - DAY

The Spy is now standing across from Mr. Burns, and nearSmithers.

SPYI have the daily spy report foryou, sir.

MR. BURNSWell. Before you start with that,let me ask you this: does anyone inthe company suspect that youre theman I use to spy on them?

SPYNo, sir. I mean, they mightveraised a few eyebrows at first, onaccount of my ninja suit, and mylack of a Japanese accent, and myrefusal to eat donuts. But after Istarted chit chatting with themabout sports and beer, they totallybought my story that Im Johnsonfrom accounting.

MR. BURNSExcellent. Now, what do you have toreport today?

SPYWell. Not much. Except Thompson isplanning to overthrow you.

(MORE)

13.

SPY (contd)Oh--and Lenny is spreading theoriesabout how the world is run by asecret society of reptilian aliens.

MR. BURNSWhat?! Smithers--go on the internetat once, and find out more aboutthis secret society.

SMITHERSSir. If there really is a secretsociety that runs the word, thenwouldnt you--a powerfulbillionaire--be part of it?

MR. BURNSExcellent point, Smithers. Get myDNA analyzed immediately, to findout if Im a reptilian alien. Ineed to know what types ofshenanigans this Mr. Burns fellowmight be up to.

INT. POWER PLANT PARKING LOT - DAY

Carl is walking with Homer.

CARLWe gotta do something about Lenny.

HOMERI know. I didnt think his fashionsense could get any worse--and thentoday he showed up wearing purplesuspenders with a green shirt.

CARLHomer--I was talking about the factthat hes into all this Illuminaticheese stuff.

Lenny walks up to them.

LENNYWere you guys just talking aboutme?

HOMEROf course not. We were talkingabout... some other... guy.

14.

LENNYWho?

HOMERUm. Lenny. I mean, Carl. I mean,Lenny. Smith. Sonian. LennySmithsonian. The Third. His recordis 27 wins and 7 losses, with 19wins by way of knockout.

LENNYWhat a bunch of bullcrap! He has22 knockouts!

HOMEROh. Right. I mixed him up withMuhammad Ali. Smithsonian. TheFourth.

MUHAMMAD ALI SMITHSONIAN IV walks up to them.

MUHAMMAD ALI SMITHSONIAN IVHey. Im Muhammad Ali Smithsonianthe Fourth. Are you guys talkingabout me?

INT. ADAM SANDLERS HOUSE - DAY

Homer and Carl are seated next to ADAM SANDLER.

ADAM SANDLERWait. You want to record meswimming in a pool of garlic?

HOMERThats correct, Adam Sandler.

ADAM SANDLERIm confused. Are you guys movieproducers, perverts, or both?

CARLNeither.

ADAM SANDLERI dont get it.

HOMERWe just want to prove to our friendthat youre not a vampire. Thatway, hell start doubting some ofthis other weird ideas.

15.

ADAM SANDLERHey! I dont need to swim in garlicto prove Im not a vampire. All Ineed to do is not bite your neck.

HOMERUm. What?

ADAM SANDLERJust record me sitting next to you.And if I dont bite into your neck,thatll show how Im not a vampire.

HOMERUm. Well. I guess thats a goodidea. But what are we supposed todo with the truckload of garlic webrought over here?

ADAM SANDLERHow the hell should I know?! Open afreaking Olive Garden or something!Alright.

(takes his iPone and beginsrecording himself and Homer)

"Adam Sandlers Not a Vampire,"take one. And, action!

Adam Sandler looks at Homers neck for a few seconds, andthen he moves in and bites it.

HOMEROw!

ADAM SANDLERSorry. I just couldnt help it. Imnot a vampire--but you gotta admitthat you have a nice, succulentneck. I mean, look at that neck.Look at it.

HOMERI cant look at my own neck.

ADAM SANDLER(to camera)

"Adam Sandlers Not a Vampire,"take two. And, action!

Adam Sandler looks at Homers neck for a few seconds, andthen he moves in and bites it.

16.

HOMEROw!

ADAM SANDLERMan! I just cant help but bitethat neck! I mean, come on! Im nota vampire or anything, but thatsthe most bite-able neck Ive everseen in my life.

(Cut to later)

ADAM SANDLER(to camera)

"Adam Sandlers Not a Vampire,"take 43. And, action.

Homers phone rings.

HOMER(into phone)

Yello.

MARGE (ON PHONE)Homie. Can you pick up some milk onyour way home tonight?

HOMERUm. OK. But I might get home late.Im kind of busy with somethingright now. By the way, Im gonnaneed to schedule an appointmentwith Dr. Hibbert, to get a hundredtetanus shots.

MARGEOK. Bye, honey.

HOMERBye.

Homer puts away his phone.

ADAM SANDLER"Adam Sandlers Not a Vampire,"take 44. And, action.

Adam Sandler looks at Homers neck for a few seconds, andthen he moves in and bites it.

HOMEROw!

17.

ADAM SANDLERWell. Come on now! I mean, yourneck is just right there, and itsasking to be bitten. How am Isupposed to not bite it?

HOMERCan you just swim in the garlic?

ADAM SANDLERThere are two things that AdamSandler refuses to do. One, swim ingarlic. And two, star in stupidmovies. Now if youll excuse me, Ihave to prepare for my role in mynext movie. Its called Hey! WhyAre My Sneakers Wet?

HOMERHa, ha, ha, ha! That sounds reallygood.

ADAM SANDLER(to camera)

Wait a second. Why do I feel sowatery?

(looks down at his shoes)Its my sneakers. Theyre wet. Whyare my sneakers wet?

HOMERHa ha ha ha!

EXT. ADAM SANDLERS HOME - DAY

Homer and Carl are walking away from Adam Sandlers home.

CARLGreat. Now how are we supposed toprove to Lenny that Adam Sandlerisnt a vampire?

HOMERCarl. Ive got 43 bite marks in myneck that say he is a vampire, andthe government does want toregulate my cheese consumption.

CARLDont tell me that yourealso becoming a conspiracytheorist.

18.

HOMERIm telling you that maybe--justmaybe--were all being controlledlike puppets. Were told what toeat, what to watch, how to think,how to live. And I want to find outwhos doing the puppeteer-ing, andhow theyre puppeteer-ing us.

A MAN IN A SUIT is standing near them, and holding 20 DVDboxes.

MAN IN SUITWell. Instead of doing that,wouldnt you rather watch these 20Adam Sandler movies?

HOMER... Yes.

Homer takes the DVDs and walks away.

INT. SIMPSONS HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

Marge and Lisa are in the kitchen. Homer walks in holding acarton of milk and the 20 DVDs. He puts them down.

MARGEHomer. What happened to your neck?

HOMERI, uh, cut myself 43 times shaving.Using that Mach 43 razor.

Lisa looks down at his shoes.

LISAWhy are your sneakers wet?

HOMERI dont know.

(imitates Adam Sandler)Why are my sneakers wet?

Bart walks in.

BARTI did some research on all thatconspiracy theory stuff--and itturns out that reptilian aliensdont run the world. They runelementary schools. Principal

(MORE)

19.

BART (contd)Skinner is from Neptune, and hisreal name is Tarazan Minera.

LISAWhere did you do your research?

BARTIn my brain.

MARGE(to Homer)

So how are things with Lenny? Haveyou changed his mind yet?

HOMERWell. Me and Carl were working onit earlier. But then I decided thatLenny is 100% right abouteverything. ... So, whats fordinner?

MARGEUm. Macaroni and cheese. Itll beready in five minutes.

HOMERGreat. In the meantime, Im gonnasearch our home for surveillanceequipment hidden in the walls.Wheres my sledgehammer?

MARGENow, Homie. Wouldnt you ratherwatch an Adam Sandler movie?

HOMERYes.

INT. MR. BURNSS OFFICE - DAY

Smithers is holding a stack of papers, and talking to Mr.Burns.

SMITHERSSir. I got the results of the DNAanalysis. It says here that youre50% human, and 50% Dindery Doodle.

MR. BURNSWait a second! How do I know thatyoure not a reptilian alien whos

(MORE)

20.

MR. BURNS (contd)trying to convince me that Im nota reptilian alien?

SMITHERSWell, sir. I figured youd askthat--so I went ahead and testedmyself as well.

(hands Mr. Burns a separatestack of papers)

Here are the results.

MR. BURNS(looks over the papers)

Well. I didnt know that you wereone sixteenth Native American.Um--remind me again which NativeAmerican tribes I have a feud with?

SMITHERSThe Arapaho and the Cherokee.

MR. BURNSRight. And do you belong to eitherof those tribes?

SMITHERSNo, sir. Im an Apache.

MR. BURNSExcellent. Be sure to mention thatto the affirmative action people.And add something about how yourea quarter Indonesian, a quarterBangladeshi, and a quarter Iranian.

SMITHERSUh. Yes sir. Or as we Indonesianssay it, "Pong tooksah."

EXT. POWER PLANT PARKING LOT - DAY

Carl is leading Homer and Lenny somewhere.

HOMERUm. Its lunch time, Carl. Why arewe not eating lunch right now?

CARLI got you guys a gift. I want togive it to you.

21.

HOMERWait. I didnt know guys wereallowed to give other guys gifts.Cause, I mean, one time, I sawthis stuffed giraffe at a fleamarket, and I thought, "This wouldmake a great gift for Barney." Butthen I thought, "Guys arentsupposed to give..."

CARLYeah. Just shut up for a second,Homer.

He leads them to BILL CLINTON and GEORGE W. BUSH.

HOMERWow! Former President George W.Bush! And some other guy!

BILL CLINTONIm former President Bill Clinton.

HOMERMy memory is only willing toremember George Washington, AbrahamLincoln, the current President, andthe President before him. I deleteevery other President. Like, uh,whats-his-name, and that otherguy.

BILL CLINTONI see. Interesting. Its like howmy memory is only willing toremember the names of the last twowomen Ive slept with.

GEORGE W. BUSH(to Homer)

Well. I think that if you want tobe a good American, you gottaremember more than four USPresidents.

BILL CLINTONThats true. I know all 43 USPresidents. Including Rutherford B.Hayes.

GEORGE W. BUSHAnd Im a really good American, soI know the names of hundreds of US

(MORE)

22.

GEORGE W. BUSH (contd)Presidents. Like John QuincySmithsonian the Third, and DwayneD. Eisenhower, and Roger, andRerun. And Mahatma Luther King, andMatt Lauer, and Benjamin Franklin.

BILL CLINTONBenjamin Franklin wasnt President.

GEORGE W. BUSHBut hes on all my hundred dollarbills.

(takes three hundred dollarbills out of his wallet)

Are you saying that these bills arecounterfeit?

BILL CLINTON(imitating Moe of the ThreeStooges)

Ah--shut up!

He slaps George W. Bush.

GEORGE W. BUSHOoh!

George W. Bush pokes Bill Clinton in the eyes.

BILL CLINTONHey.

(points somewhere)Whats that?

George W. Bush turns around. Bill Clinton kicks him in thebutt.

George W. Bush turns around.

GEORGE W. BUSHOne or two?

BILL CLINTONOne.

GEORGE W. BUSHNo. Three.

George W. Bush slaps Bill Clinton three times.

23.

HOMERWait a second. You two are likeordinary guys.

GEORGE W. BUSHThats true. Except Bill is hornierthan an ordinary guy. And I eatmore chicken pot pies than anordinary guy.

George W. Bush has a chicken pot pie in his hands. He takesa bite out of it.

CARL(to Homer and Lenny)

See? If President Bush andPresident Clinton are like ordinaryguys, then how could they be keyplayers in a secret system with anIlluminati, and reptilian aliens,and cheese mind control?

GEORGE W. BUSH(to Everyone)

Yeah. I mean, do you think ajackass like Bill could really dosomething like that? Hes so dumb,he only knows the names of 43Presidents. He probably doesnteven know about Martin Van Dam, orHerbert Dam Hoover.

LENNY(to Carl)

Hold the phone here, Carl. Is thisall just part of your plan toconvince me that there is noIlluminati?

CARLWell. Yeah.

LENNYOh. Well. The thing is, I alreadystopped believing in conspiracytheories two hours ago, when Ifound out that Woody Harrelson is aconspiracy theorist.

CARLI thought you liked WoodyHarrelson.

24.

LENNYI like him as an actor. Not as atheorist. Hes one of my favoriteactors in the world, and one of myleast favorite theorists in theworld.

CARLAnd thats why youre no longer aconspiracy theorist?

LENNYYeah. And also, I had dinner lastnight with Adam Sandler at theOlive Garden, and he had threeplates of trenette col pesto.

CARLSo?

LENNYThat dish is 97% garlic.

Adam Sandler is standing a few feet away from them, andeating a piece of garlic bread.

ADAM SANDLERAnd now Im eating garlic bread.

(looks at Homers neck)Man. That is one bite-able neck.

(looks at his sneakers)Hey! Why are my sneakers wet?

HOMERHa ha ha ha!

EXT. STREET - DAY

Someone wearing sneakers steps in a puddle, and his sneakersget wet. The camera changes to reveal that Lisa is the onewearing the sneakers.

She notices ADAM LEVINE several yards away, sucking a MANsblood.

LISAAdam Levine?

ADAM LEVINEUh. Yeah.

25.

LISAAre you sucking someones blood?

ADAM LEVINEUm. No. ... Well. Maybe. But Imnot a vampire. This guy just has avery succulent neck.

Several yards away, PRINCIPAL SKINNER is walking on thesidewalk. His cell phone rings. He looks at the caller ID,and it says "Unlisted Caller - Unlisted Area." He answersthe phone.

PRINCIPAL SKINNERHello? ... Oh. Hi, Jermagolin. ...Yes. Im still running anElementary School. ... No. Nobodysuspects anything.

A small jet is flying above Principal Skinner.

INT. JET - DAY

Bill Clinton is seated in a luxurious private jet, andwatching an Adam Sandler movie on a computer.

ADAM SANDLER (ON SCREEN)Why is my hat wet?

BILL CLINTONHa ha ha ha.

HILARY CLINTON walks towards him.

HILARY CLINTONHoney. I filled out that form torun for President--but thegovernment wants to know why I lefta blank at the part where Imsupposed to include my spousesSocial Security number.

BILL CLINTONCindy. Youre forgetting one thing.

HILARY CLINTONMy name is Hilary!

BILL CLINTONHilary. Youre forgetting onething. Im not from here--so Iwasnt issued a Social Securitynumber.

26.

HILARY CLINTONI know that, Bill. But I cantleave that part blank. What did youput down when you ran forPresident?

BILL CLINTONI didnt put down anything. I justslept with some woman who workedfor the government.

HILARY CLINTONWhat woman?

BILL CLINTONI dont remember. You know. Causeshes not one of the last two womenIve slept with. I only rememberthe names of the last two womenIve slept with. You should knowthat by now, Beatrice Vanderbilt.

HILARY CLINTONMy name is Hilary Clinton!