The Rival at UMD Fall 2016 Newsletter

8/16/2019 The Rival at UMD Fall 2016 Newsletter

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The Rival at UMD is a satirical publication serving UMD students, college students, and the world at largein order to prompt a more self-aware society. Along with poking fun at campus news and national stories, weserve as a satirical response to The Odyssey Online, Elite Daily, and other millennial-centered news outlets.

Te Rival at UMD is entirely satirical and is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

The 15 Things People at UMD Say Way Too Often

Who’s your daddy? Maybe Melo rimble? Original photo by Jamie Squire.

By Jason Siegel

Marylanders are a unique breedof people, complete with our owncustoms, traditions, and evenlanguage! Regardless of whetheryou’re a native Marylander or anout-of-stater, a graduate student ora wee freshman—if you’re a Terp,there’s no doubt you’ve heard (andsaid) these common UMD phrasesa few too many times!

1. “One shot of Old Bay, please!”

2. “Bing Bong”

3. “I am a student at the University of Maryland in College Park, Maryland,20740 go Terps!”

4. “It was slam dunk”

5. *High-pitched shrieking*

6. “I’m allowed to skip class because President Wallace Loh is my father.”

7. “I’m allowed to skip class because Melo Trimble is my father.”

8. “I am the living embodiment of Christ almighty.”

9. “I ride an army of Chesapeake blue crabs to class every day.”

10. “Can we stop by Testudo on the way to our test? I want to drop off myoffering of a small mammal.”

11. “I was the one who set Testudo on re in 2013.”

12. “I’m going to do it again.”

13. “On December 13, 2016, Testudo will once again light up the night sky.”

14. “When my parents went here, Cornerstone was called, ‘The ‘Vous.’”

15. “No one can stop me.”

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Quiz: Shit, Can You Identi y Tese White Powders?Syrian Re ugee Crisis as Explained by “Friends” GIFs

Vince Wil ork Enters Offseason with Bag o Chips on ShoulderMan Clumsily Applies Sports Analogy to Floundering Love Live

BREAKING: Baltimore Room Piano Collects Yet Another Dust ParticleStudent aking 19 Credits Stumps Physicists with Ability to Control ime

Area Student Discovers Passion or Kinesiology afer Flunking Organic Chemistry

B Y T H E N U M B E R S 75,000 -> rst month page views

24 -> active writers

7 -> numbers of days in the week

-$300 -> revenue so far

3.8 -> sum of two of our writer’s GPA’s

1 -> shot do not miss your chance to blow

>>>FALL 2016 ISSUE

pg.2 The Rival Network - A Message from The Rival COO

pg. 3 MARYLAND PRIDE - Melo Eats Yellow Jell-O

- UMD Student Finds Solace in that HighSchool Classmates Still Pursuing Rap Careers

pg. 4 An Open Letter to My Future Husband A Message from our Director of Content - Interested in Writing for The Rival?


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I started The Rival in 2014 to allow students to speak in anauthentic manner about subjects that they actually cared about. Whileother publications covered the club hockey team, we openedconversations about mental health and race on campus, forexample. And we would do it in a conversational and relatable waythat engaged students like never before.

Satirical news has a way of exposing truths about anumber of issues through comedy and creativity, not objectivity.When we started The Rival, we launched with a satirical section forthis exact reason: to reach more students. Despite The Rival at UMDbeing the only entirely satirical publication, they are one of the mostsuccessful. If our end goal is to entertain, educate, and engage, thenThe Rival at UMD ts in perfectly with every other school. We’re trying to distance ourselves from the competition bybringing integrity, authenticity, and relevance back to student media.The Rival at UMD enforces this standard by satirizing super cialcontent. Many for-pro t student publications are hell-bent on clicks,which means they’re prioritizing production over quality. The Rival atUMD is here to ensure that The Rival doesn’t make the same mistake.

Meet the Network

Josh Strupp COO & Co-Founder at The Rival, LLC

16 campuses. 300+ student writers.

Infographic by Adam Goldberg via PinMaps.net. Information from The Rival, LLC.

George Washington University, University of Rochester, University of Notre Dame, Indiana University, Duke University,University of Miami, American University, Howard University, George Mason University, Syracuse University, Fordham University,

University of Maryland, New York University, University of Missouri, University of Wisconsin, College of Charleston

Photo courtesy of Josh Strupp


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By Hugh McFarland

University of Maryland studentEric Zimmerman reportedly spent anhour after class Wednesday listeningto poorly-produced andbadly-written rap songs that his highschool classmates had posted toSoundcloud to lift his spirits.

“I failed the in-class quiz for my stat class,”the sophomore English major said. “So Ireally needed a pick-me-up.”

Unlike most college students, Zimmerman has yet to gure out what exactlyto do with his life, a reality that causes him a great deal of stress. Despitethis, Zimmerman claims that he has found the perfect antidote to his crushinguncertainty.

“Whatever happens to me, at least I’m not like those kids from high schooltrying to be the next big thing, like Vanilla Ice or 2 Chainz,” he said.

“Sure, I’m worried about my future, but when the alternative is calling myself‘Young EZ,’ making an awful song that my friends listen to ironically, and thenbecoming a used car salesman, I think I’m on the right path so far,”Zimmerman said.

Other students have also become aware of this technique. Freshman PaulHarring shared his thoughts on the subject.

“Of course every upper-middle class kid dreams of being a great rapper oneday,” he said. “Most of us know when to give up on that hope and let ourparents convince us to major in business.”

Harring then went back to listening to a track by four of his formerclassmates from Montgomery High School, who now refer to themselves as“Rich Homiez.”

At press time, Harring was showing his friends the song, chuckling, andlooking as though a humongous weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

“Just think,” he said, “that could’ve been me.”

What’s up? My name is Hugh McFarland and Iam a freshman history major from Havre de Grace,Maryland. A couple of the rappers from my highschool are actually good, but the vast majority arenot. I wanted to write a piece comparing the pipedream of becoming a rapper with the stress anduncertainty of college. I’ve wanted to be a writerfor several years, and even took a ction writingworkshop last semester. I have always thought ofmyself as a funny person, so whatever I write willprobably be tinged with humor, regardlessof whether it is a screenplay, novel, orsomething else entirely.

Photo source: Jeremy Noble

Melo Eats Yellow Jell-O

Hey, my name is AlistairFaghani and I am a freshmanbusiness major fromBethesda, Maryland (GoTerps!) I knew someone wasgoing to write that poem, I

just really wanted it to be me.In addition to writing satire,I’ve been writing sketches,performing stand up, butabove all, I consider myself afreestyle fanatic.

UMD Student Finds Solace in That High SchoolClassmates Still Pursuing Rap Careers

Point guard positioned, eyes on the prizeOur boy, our hero, the source of our prideMelo lifts up the lid, and beholds with his eyesthe most glorious, golden, yellow Jell-O inside!

In one fell swoop, he spoons up his prey“Jell-O be gone, I will eat you today!”

And just like thatlike a scene from OthelloMelo lays wasteto his sweet yellow Jell-O

But lo what is this?Still hungry for moreMelo makes hasteto the nearest convenience store

He zips through the aislesscanning with precision,all the many different colors,with his yellow Jell-O vision

But seeing only a sea of greens, and blues andungodly reds galoreour dismayed hero collapsed to the oor Without his yellow Jell-OMelo was no more

Original Photo Source: Jamie Sabau

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AlistairFaghani

Photo courtesy of Alistair Faghani

Follow Alistair onTwitter @Alistairpanini

Photo courtesy of Hugh McFarland

HughMcFarland Follow Hugh on Twitter@hughbie_doobie

MARYLAND PRIDE

By Alistair Faghani


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When glancing back at the rest of the audience from the third row, I noticed a lotof laughing and amused glances, but above all, I noticed an opportunity

If this many students appreciate the comedic brilliance of The Onion, thenwhy don’t we satisfy the needs of these students and start up a student-runsatirical publication?

Fast forward a few months later, and my team of 20+ staff wri ters andlmmakers have taken the campus by storm, publishing hilar ious content to

make you giggle, gasp, but also think. Our goal is not to mislead people bymaking anyone think our stories are real—but if people do think they’re real,it’s just a lil’ cherry and cream on top.

You like cream… don’t you?

So give us a read, throw us a like, and if you want, hire us.We’re tomorrow’s comedy writers and most likely unemployed today.

Thanks, Adam Goldberg

Last October, 500 students lled the GrandBallroom in the Stamp Student Union to seethe head writer of The Onion and editor ofClickhole speak.

Photo courtsey of Adam Goldberg

A Message from our Director of Content

Photo source: Azchael

Hey Y’all! I’m Paige! I’m a freshman theatreand government and politics double major f romDallas, Texas. After seeing all of these cheesyopen letters all over Facebook, I couldn’t helpbut poke fun at the entire concept in this piece.In addition to writing satirical pieces for The Rivalat UMD, I am a current improviser for EraseableInc. I hope to be on Saturday Night Live one day,

so get off your butt and support live comedy!

An Open Letter to My Husband

Photo courtesy of Paige Weiss.

Paige WeissFollow Paige on Twitter@PaigeWeiss4444

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Interested in Writing for The Rival? Great, apply to join the team! Yet, before you do, it might be helpful tostudy up on the type of content we produce. All of our articles fall into oneof the following categories :

Entertainment - UMD - Sports - Opinion - Politics - US & World

Millennials Only! - A satirical response to The Odyssey Online, EliteDaily, and other college millennial-centered news outlets.

click here ya dingus - A place for our more experimental content. Weunderstand it’s not for everyone, but neither is underwater basket weaving.

by Paige Weiss

Have an idea for an article?

Pitch your idea, or send adraft to [email protected]

This article was written by a contibutor known as Maggleton.

Q: I want to help, but I’m REALLY busy...?

A: We hear you. We’re a little busy too. Our 20+ writers also representseveral clubs and student organizations, further informing our comedicperspective. You can contribute one article, or become a staff writer; theoption is yours. We hold weekly pitch meetings in an attempt to take thepulse of the campus through our social commentary. It might be fake news,but we believe our purpose could not be more real . If this passionresonates with you, we’ll see you at the next meeting.

Dear Future Husband,We need to talk.

No. I know we talked last week, but obviously that didn’t help because you continue to leave your suit jacket on the ground when you get home from work.It’s honestly not that big of a deal–it’s just that I’ve asked you to x it so many times, and you aren’t even trying. I feel like you don’t respect me or my opinionsabout our marriage. I’ve got other things that we need to discuss too, and no, do NOT tell me that I’m nagging again. We’re just having an adult conversation.

The rst thing is that you never take the kids to school. I have to go to work just like you do, yet somehow I’m always taking both Jane AND Tyler to middleand high school. I mean, COME ON?! They go to different schools!! Does it not make sense in your small mind that we would each take one of the kids??So we’ve covered the mornings now.

Ready for the night?? Okay, here goes. It pisses me off beyond belief when I get back from work and you’re watching tv and farting all over the place while

the kids run wild, and then you have the BALLS to ask me when dinner is going to be ready?? How about you make dinner for a change? Preheat the ovento 325 and shove a Stouffer’s l asagna in it for Christ’s sake.

And how about a “Hi, honey. How was your day?” Is that too much to ask? I’M TIRED, TOO. This marriage is not what I signed up for.

You know what? There’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you for a while, so I’m just going to do it! You’re a lthy pig. Please lower the toilet seatafter you’ve pissed your beer-smelling, yellow-ass pee all over its rim. Please fold the blankets that you’ve been using for the past three weeks while yousleep on the couch. Please take a shower you pathetic piece of shit. My parents are staying with us soon, and I don’t want them to see the wreck of a manyou’ve become. And PLEASE stop walking around the house in only your underwear; you’re making Jane believe that a 5’9 250 pound man is anappropriate specimen to settle with. And you’re making me feel uncomfortable and sad, because, let’s be honest, I look better than you and I carriedhumans in my uterus for 9 months at a time, TWICE.

You clean the dishes.

Love,

Your Future Wife

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The Rival at UMD Fall 2016 Newsletter