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The Review Must Go On - Script by Doug and Rob Walker
Citation preview
"The Review Must Go On"
By
Doug Walker
Rob Walker
January 10, 2013
This material is the property
of Channel Awesome and is
intended solely for use by its
personnel and other authorized
persons. Distribution or sale
to any unauthorized persons or
duplication in whole or in
part is strictly forbidden.
INT. STUDIO
We see a black mug marked D. It’s Donnie’s mug. He picks it
up, and while humming a tune, places it under the coffee
machine. He flicks a switch, and the machine starts whirring
as liquid pours into the cup. He goes to pick up a camera
and returns. His mug is now a solo cup. The liquid stops
pouring, and he picks it up. Donnie examines the cup and
sniffs it and puts on a funny face like he smells something
foul. He shrugs and leaves into the writing room. Tacoma is
waiting for him.
TACOMA
So, we doing this?
DONNIE
Yeah, I just needed to get some
coffee.
Tacoma looks at Donnie funnily.
TACOMA
That’s water.
Donnie stops smiling and awkwardly looks into the cup. After
staring for a few seconds, he realizes that it is water.
DONNIE
So it is.
TACOMA
Come on, let’s get started.
He exits the frame, as Donnie continues to stare into his
cup. Eventually, he follows Tacoma.
CUT TO:
We see Donnie at a table. He’s blandly staring at the ground
with a flat expression on his face. Rebecca and Tacoma are
discussing happily.
REBECCA
This is gonna be so good.
TACOMA
It’s perfect!
REBECCA
Wow, this is some of your best
work.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
TACOMA
Thanks, but your input really made
it come full circle.
REBECCA
What’s a movie without rabid
monkeys?
TACOMA
Exactly!
REBECCA
No one does that anymore!
TACOMA
Never. We’ve seen rabid raccoons
and squirrels, simians...
REBECCA
So, Donnie, what do you think?
Donnie doesn’t hear her.
REBECCA’S VOICE (V.O.)
Come back.
Rebecca’s voice is unsettling.
DONNIE
Huh?
REBECCA
Earth to Donnie. You listening or
not?
DONNIE
Oh, sorry. Where were we?
TACOMA
Well, I think it’s time to film
something different. Something
other than a remake.
DONNIE
OK. I’m with you.
REBECCA
How are you with Carmen Sandiego?
Donnie appears confused.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
DONNIE
A... Carmen Sandiego movie?
REBECCA
Except we don’t half-ass it like
all those other video game movies.
We throw everything we can into it.
TACOMA
For example: It opens up with the
assassination of Abraham Lincoln.
REBECCA
Except Lincoln turns around and
blows John Wilkes Booth away.
Donnie still appears mystified.
DONNIE
How is that possib-
TACOMA
Carmen Sandiego has stolen a time
machine and she’s going back
through history settling all of
history’s greatest scores.
REBECCA
Killing Hitler, letting Crazy Horse
win... and then stealing all their
shit.
TACOMA
So the police are not only trying
to arrest her, but also trying to
award her the medal of honor.
DONNIE
Cool, I like it. Makes her complex.
TACOMA
First things first. All our hopes
rest on the Nostalgia Critic.
People will love that.
Donnie appears surprised.
DONNIE
What did you say?
TACOMA
I said all our hopes rest on the
nostalgia. Critics love that and
people will too.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
DONNIE
Hm. Well, obviously we have our
leading lady.
Tacoma looks confused.
TACOMA
We do?
DONNIE
Yeah, Rebecca.
Tacoma still looks confused.
TACOMA
She a friend of yours?
Donnie looks even more confused.
DONNIE
And yours.
Tacoma still draws a blank.
DONNIE (CONT’D)
Dude, what the hell’s wrong with
you? She’s sitting right there.....
He points to where Rebecca was sitting earlier. However,
nobody’s there. He slowly moves back. Tacoma looks nervous.
TACOMA
Donnie, are you okay?
DONNIE
How many people work here?
TACOMA
Four. You, me, Quinn, and Carl.
DONNIE
You never heard of a woman named
Rebecca Stone who did a one-woman
Titanic, beat a turkey to death and
wears a t-shirt that says Malkovich
Equals Balls?
Tacoma looks into what’s inside Donnie’s solo cup.
CUT TO:
Donnie sits blankly at a table. His head rests on his hands.
A drink is placed in front of him.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
QUINN
A cup of warm Irish milk. Just like
me grandmother used to make every
night before she’d go to bed.
Donnie sips the drink.
DONNIE
This tastes like microwaved
Bailey’s.
QUINN
There’s more alcohol in that.
Donnie sits the drink back on the table and sighs.
DONNIE
Could it be I possibly fabricated a
person out of nowhere? It can’t be.
She seemed so real.
TACOMA
Nope. It’s always been just you,
me, and Carl.
DONNIE
And Quinn.
TACOMA
Who?
Donnie slams his fist on the table. He then points in the
direction of the fridge.
DONNIE
Qui....
However, Donnie realizes once again that there’s nobody
there. A shocked look hits him.
TACOMA
Is Quinn the refrigerator?
Donnie stands up. He starts walking around the table,
approaching the camera.
DONNIE
He’s not the refrigerator. Quinn?
Quinn?!
No response.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
DONNIE (CONT’D)
Who gave me this warm Bailey’s?
TACOMA
That’s not Bailey’s. That’s
Yoo-Hoo.
Donnie spits the drink out.
CUT TO:
Tacoma’s sitting at a computer.
TACOMA
I searched the whole internet.
Public records. Everything. There
is no Quinn.
DONNIE
But Carl...
TACOMA
works alone.
CARL
So, are we done with this little
interrogation or what?
DONNIE
Yeah. Yeah, you can go.
Carl goes to leave. However, Donnie grabs him back.
DONNIE (CONT’D)
No, wait. If you go out there, you
could disappear like everyone else.
I ... When did he grow the goatee?
He didn’t have a goatee.
Everything’s topsy-turvy now. It’s
an upside-down world.
CARL
Enough! The goatee was a bi-product
of drinking so many sauerkraut
Schnapps last night. And it was
delicious.
He leaves. Donnie follows him, but doesn’t try to stop him.
DONNIE
I guess you weren’t out drinking
with Quinn then.
He sighs and cups his hands over his mouth.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
DONNIE (CONT’D)
I think I’m going to have myself
committed.
TACOMA
Donnie. It’s okay. I already called
911.
DONNIE
Thanks. You’re a good friend. I
think.
TACOMA
We try. Tell you what. I’ll stay
with you until it arrives.
DONNIE
Doesn’t matter. You’ll be gone with
all the rest of them.
TACOMA
Donnie, I’m not going anywhere.
Listen. Just let me tell you
something.
DONNIE
What?
However, Tacoma has vanished. Donnie looks around the room,
and sees a script on the table. He pages through it to find
nothing but "COME BACK" written on all the pages multiple
times. He walks into the living room with the white board
covered with messy "COME BACK"s written all over. He then
enters a hallway. Uncomfortable music is building.
DONNIE
Carl!
Donnie runs into the warehouse space of the hallway. Carl
appears to be standing there, with his back facing the
camera. Donnie is relieved.
DONNIE (CONT’D)
Carl.
He walks down the hallway. Carl’s there, but he’s wearing a
dinosaur mask.
CARL
Ja?
Donnie looks horrified.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
He looks up and Carl opens the door. A bright light fills
the hallway. Donnie shields his eyes. As the light dies down
Donnie focuses on what it is. He looks shocked and
horrified.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
We see a computer screen. The above paragraph is present,
however, after the final sentence, another unfinished
sentence appears. It reads "Donnie looks up and sees". We
see Doug Walker. His fingers are positioned on the keyboard,
tapping the buttons, but not typing anything. He clearly has
no idea how to continue the story. He continues getting no
work done.
The following title appears. It reads "The Review Must Go
On." White text on black.
Cut back to Doug not writing anything. He continues placing
his hands over the keyboard, but he clearly has no ideas. He
continues pondering, until he hears a familiar noise of a
garbage truck.
DOUG
Shit.
He rushes out the room.
EXT. WALKER RESIDENCE
Doug opens the door, now wearing a hat and a jacket, and
hastily hops down his steps. He grabs a garbage can, but
trips and falls. We see him drag it past his house and to
the curb.
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
Doug takes his jacket off and dumps it onto the floor. He
sits back down on the chair.
DOUG
Ah. Okay.
He looks enthuastic, however, he quickly realizes he still
doesn’t know what to write. Suddenly, we hear his doorbell.
In a quickly edited fashion, we see him answer the door,
sign for a package, and close the door. Holding the package,
he happily sits down on a sofa in his living room. As he
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
opens the package and removes the plastic protectors. His
smile fades. We see an obviously fake DVD of The Odd Life of
Timothy Green. The cover shows the dad, the mom, and the
boy, as they stand in a sunflower field. There is a tagline
beneath them, reading:
"We don’t care if you believe us. We grew a child in our
back yard! No, really. That’s our story. We said we didn’t
care."
Doug is suddenly standing up, on his phone.
DOUG
I ordered the original Odd Couple,
not The Odd Life of Timothy Green.
I don’t even think it’s the real
movie. I think it’s a pirated
version! Well, that’s all fine and
good. What am supposed to do with
this? Oh, I see. Plant it in the
back and see if the real movie
grows, huh? *shouting* Screw you!
He hangs up and heads back to his writing room. The script
for his Demo Reel episode remains unfinished. He looks at
the DVD and decides to watch the movie. He sits down on the
bed, as he inserts the movie into his DVD player.
DOUG
Gonna regret this.
He presses the play button on his remote. He has a blank
expression. Some cheesy piano music begins playing.
Title card: One Movie Later
The cheesy music plays on. Doug has a disgusted look on his
face. He presses another button on the remote. The music
dies out.
DOUG (CONT’D)
My god.
Doug starts pacing around the room.
DOUG (CONT’D)
Okay, so this is supposed to be a
feel-good family film about a
couple that plants a child in the
backyard. No!
Jump cut. He’s now sitting on the bed.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.
DOUG (CONT’D)
First of all, before you grow your
tomato child, didn’t you think
like, an orphanage! Hello! You
could go to an orphanage! There’s
lots of children there. You could
pick from them like a garden,
except you don’t have to grow them!
Another jump cut, he’s now in front of the camera.
DOUG (CONT’D)
Everybody should get a Jesus kid!
That’s what it is, a kid that
popped up with no sex. Jesus
Kid...or Anakin Skywalker. That’s
even better!
Another jump cut. His hands are flailing around as he paces
close to the camera.
DOUG (CONT’D)
How am I supposed to like these
people? At all? They’re all
horrible! You’re horrible people!
Jump cut. Doug’s now laying back on the bed kicking his
legs. His hands are covering his mouth, making his speech
muffled.
DOUG (CONT’D)
AWFUL! AWFUL!
Another jump cut. He is standing on the bed, with his anger
growing.
DOUG (CONT’D)
People who made this movie should
be studied! They thought this is
how people would act! This is how
people would-It’s not! It’s not how
anybody would act! They would
donate that kid to science!
He is now calm after another cut.
DOUG (CONT’D)
That was new. That was a new
experience for me. You got balls,
Timothy Green. I don’t know, maybe
they’re leaves but... Oh wow, that
was something.
11.
He looks into the hallway. A shadow passes by. He looks out,
but nobody’s there.
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
We see Lewis Lovhaug sitting on his sofa in his apartment.
His phone rings and he picks it up.
LEWIS
Hello!
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
Doug’s on his phone.
DOUG
Hey, Lewis.
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
LEWIS
Hey Doug. What’s up?
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
DOUG
I’ve got a question for you.
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
LEWIS
Shoot!
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
DOUG
Do you think I did the right thing
ending the Nostalgia Critic?
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
Lewis is clearly surprised.
12.
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
DOUG (CONT’D)
It’s just... you ever think we left
too early? Like, there’s more
things we could have done with him?
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
LEWIS
What do you mean?
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
DOUG
We stopped because we thought we
were done, but... recently a lot of
new ideas have been coming up in my
head.
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
LEWIS
Such as...?
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
DOUG
Well... for example, I just saw The
Odd Life of Timothy Green.
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
LEWIS
Oh, Doug, why?
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
DOUG
It doesn’t matter.
13.
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
LEWIS
I think it does!
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
Doug ignores him.
DOUG
It was weird. I felt the exact
same way I did when we first
started! I mean, the excitement,
the fresh ideas. I’m wondering if I
made the right choice.
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
LEWIS
Well, I’m not sure I’m the guy that
can answer that for you. Really,
it boils down to you.
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
DOUG
Yeah... But I made a choice, you
know. I... just felt that it was
the right time to go.
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
LEWIS
Your fans didn’t seem to think so.
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
DOUG
Oh, did they notice? The ass number
of emails asking the Critic to come
back didn’t seem to tip me off! I
can’t just do it for the fans,
though. I gotta do it because I
wanna do it.
14.
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
LEWIS
Well, that’s why it’s your
choice. Bottom line, if you feel
like there’s potential and you can
keep it going for a long time,
bring him back. But if you think
you only have enough for once in a
while, just keep it once in a while
and go out on top.
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
DOUG
Alright. Thanks, man.
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
LEWIS
Hey, Pollo and Harvey say hi too.
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
Doug is alarmed.
DOUG
Lewis? Buddy? Are you convinced
that the characters from your show
are real people?
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
Lewis laughs.
LEWIS
Doug, of course not! I’m not
derranged. It’s just Pollo and
Harvey that are real.
Lewis hangs up, and starts talking to someone off-screen.
LEWIS (CONT’D)
So, Pollo, what are your thoughts
on the subject?
Pollo is a simple cardboard cutout doll. He doesn’t do
anything, but Lewis nods.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.
LEWIS (CONT’D)
Yeah, and what’s that?
Pollo just sits there. Lewis burts into huge fits of loud
laughter.
LEWIS (CONT’D)
Oh man, that’s a great one!
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
Doug is once again sitting at his computer. He still hasn’t
progressed a bit. He closes the script window and boots up a
video. It’s the Nostalgia Critic’s review of Doomsday
Machine. The review continues normally. Until Doug hears a
line that’s not from the review!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
So, what are you waiting for?
Doug’s eyes pop. The video is still playing, but the Critic
is addressing him!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC (CONT’D)
You know it’s just a matter of
time.
DOUG
You’re not real. You’re just a
fragment of my not very concernable
imagination.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Maybe. Or maybe it’s like what you
said before.
DOUG
And what did I say before?
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
How a character can become so real
that they cease being a character.
They become ingrained in your mind,
and you can’t get rid of them no
matter how hard you try. Even to
the point where they take on a life
of their own.
DOUG
No. You were the buried remains of
some nostalgia that I have left
behind.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.
The Critic scoffs.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Oh, isn’t that cute? You’re
nostalgic for the Nostalgia Critic.
DOUG
I made a choice. I said that I’m
not going back and I’m gonna do
exactly that.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Why? What’s stopping you?
DOUG
What am I supposed to do anyway?
Quoting memes and running jokes?
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
It isn’t always about memes and
running jokes. It’s about that
passion for film and that love of
making people laugh. And I know you
still have a hunger for both.
DOUG
It ran its course.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Listen to yourself! You got so sick
and tired of it that you actually
forgot you enjoy it.
Doug glares at him.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC (CONT’D)
Remember?
The Critic snaps his fingers. A montage of clips from past
episodes of The Nostalgia Critic play.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC (CONT’D)
Every single time you thought you
were done with it you came up with
something better. When you had time
to think, time to focus, time to
put that extra effort in. But you
had anniversary movies,
conventions, other shows, your own
life to live. All trying to write,
act, and edit a 20 minute video
every single week. Face it buddy,
you weren’t done yet. You just hit
burnout.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.
DOUG
I’m not going back.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Yeah? Then why don’t you just make
me go away?
Doug closes the review. He opens up the login page on
Facebook. He breathes a sigh of relief. Suddenly, we hear a
crashing noise. Debris flies in from the right side on the
screen, and the Critic tumbles in.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
See? I told you you can’t get rid
of me!
Doug brings up Google. The same thing happens.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
It’s gonna cost ya, Tinkerbell.
The Critic clicks away to a Todd in the Shadows video.
TODD
I don’t get it. Why would a song
have a lyric as stupid as -
He’s interrupted. The Critic appears again. This time, his
clothes are all messy and disjointed.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
See? You can’t make me dissapear!
Todd notices the Critic.
TODD
What the hell are you doing in my
video?
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Oh, piss off, Alfred Hitchcock!
TODD
Get the hell out.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
You get the hell out!
TODD
I live here!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
You know what? Bite me, Hamburglar!
Todd and Nostalgia Critic continue to banter. Doug clicks
away to Google again. The Critic doesn’t show up. Doug turns
around and sees the posters of the anniversary videos.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Have you ever googled "do a barrel
roll?" It’s really cool!
DOUG
Okay, that’s it!
EXT. WALKER RESIDENCE
In a swiftly edited fashion, we see Doug get into his car,
pull out of the garage, and go to a Walgreens. We hear a
cash register sound, as the camera focuses on the
"Drive-Thru Pharmacy" part of the title.
INT. ELLIS RESIDENCE
We see Lindsey Ellis drinking coffee. Her phone starts to
ring.
LINDSEY
Hello?
EXT. DOUG’S CAR
The camera is zoomed in on the bottom of Doug’s car. We hear
his strange voice, like he has a huge wad of gum in his
mouth.
DOUG
Lindsey, Lindsey? I need your help.
INT. ELLIS RESIDENCE
LINDSEY
Doug? Are you chewing something?
19.
EXT. DOUG’S CAR
Now, it’s focused on his windshield. His voice is also
normal, however, it’s a little panted.
DOUG
Tranquilizers. I’ve eaten enough to
kill a baby rhinocerous.
He guzzles some more.
INT. ELLIS RESIDENCE
LINDSEY
Well, that’s a great way to start a
conversation.
EXT. DOUG’S CAR
DOUG
Look, you’re a friend and I just
need you to be straightforward with
me on something.
INT. ELLIS RESIDENCE
LINDSEY
Okay, what?
EXT. DOUG’S CAR
DOUG
Should I bring back the Nostalgia
Critic?
INT. ELLIS RESIDENCE
LINDSEY
What?
EXT. DOUG’S CAR
DOUG
I mean, I know it won’t be entirely
impartial seeing how nostalgic
movies are now your domain and
everybody comes to you for them but
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.
DOUG (cont’d)I trust you on this and I want your
honest opinion.
INT. ELLIS RESIDENCE
LINDSEY
No.
EXT. DOUG’S CAR
DOUG
No? Just like that?
INT. ELLIS RESIDENCE
LINDSEY
Exactly. You made your choice and
you should stick with it. The
Critic had a great run but now it’s
time to branch out and do new
things. I mean, do you really want
to do this for the rest of your
life?
EXT. DOUG’S CAR
DOUG
Well, I don’t really think it would
-
INT. ELLIS RESIDENCE
LINDSEY
Of course you don’t! So why don’t
you just stick with the plan and do
what you know is right?
EXT. DOUG’S CAR
DOUG
Yeah, you’re right. I do want to
try new things. Thanks a lot,
Lindsey. I know a lot of people in
your position would probably have
an agenda but it’s good to know you
always give it to me straight.
21.
INT. ELLIS RESIDENCE
LINDSEY
Anytime, Doug, anytime.
She hangs up. Nella is sitting beside her. She’s reading a
book, and it’s over her face. She pulls it down.
LINDSEY
You know what to do.
Nella gets up, and walks down the hallway.
EXT. ELLIS RESIDENCE
She opens the door to her yellow car. However, she has
difficulty pulling it out of the parking space, due to
trying not to hit the other parked cars. When she finally
does, she speeds down the street, only to stop nearly
instantly. She pulls down the window.
NELLA
Hey, Doug! Yeah, that’s right, I’m
talking to you.
We see Rob walking down the street. He looks at her like
she’s crazy.
NELLA
You shouldn’t be the Nostalgia
Critc anymore! You should go off
and do those new things. Everybody
loves them! Don’t believe the
haters, man. Just don’t be doing
Nostalgia Critic anymore. So there.
Rob looks at her confused and horrified. He whips out his
iPhone as she drives off.
CUT TO:
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
We see Doug asleep at the dining table. We then hear a phone
ringing, and then his voicemail.
DOUG (V.O.)
Hey, it’s Doug, leave a message at
the beep.
We hear the beep.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.
ROB (V.O.)
Hey, Doug, it’s Rob. Er, I’m never
traveling to New York again.
We hear a familiar hanging up "click." Then, the camera
zooms in onto Doug’s face. We hear the Nostalgia Critic, in
his mind.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC (V.O.)
Bring me back, bring me back, bring
me back... you know it’s your
destiny... you know it’s your
destiny... bring me back...
PEE-WEE HERMAN (V.O.)
Ha-ha! Yeah, bring him back! Bring
him back!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC (V.O.)
Pee-Wee Herman? What are you doing
here?
PEE-WEE HERMAN (V.O.)
It’s a dream. Dreams are like that.
C’mon! Let’s go ride Mark
Wahlberg’s fake penis from Boogie
Nights!
NOSTALGIA CRITIC (V.O.)
Boy, he’s gonna have a lot of
questions when he wakes up.
PEE-WEE HERMAN (V.O.)
HAAAA!
Doug wakes up. He rubs his forehead and looks at the DVD of
The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Then, he pulls out his phone,
and dials Brad Jones.
INT. BRAD’S APARTMENT
Brad picks up the phone.
BRAD
Hello!
23.
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
DOUG
Hey, Brad, I’m having a debate on
whether or not to bring the
Nostalgia Critic back.
INT. BRAD’S APARTMENT
With a cheesy grin, he replies, while laughing.
BRAD
Oh, well. I don’t care.
He hangs up.
INT. WALKER RESIDENCE
Doug puts the phone down. He sees the Nostalgia Critic
standing in his living room. As the Critic walks off, Doug
gets up and follows him, while shouting.
DOUG
I’m not bringing him back, you
hear! I’ve got other ideas I want
to try, new ideas! Stuff I’ve
always wanted to do!
There’s no reply. After looking around a bit for the Critic,
Doug enters the bathroom. He splashes some water on his
face, opens the mirror, and takes some mouthwash. As he
closes the mirror, he sees the Nostalgia Critic smirking at
him.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Who’s to say you can’t do your
other ideas?
DOUG
I’m done talking to you.
He leaves the bathroom. The Nostalgia Critic still appears
in the mirror.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
The only one you’d have to give up
is Demo Reel.
Doug stops walking away from the bathroom, and stands there,
listening to the Nostalgia Critic.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 24.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC (CONT’D)
And we already know what that was
this whole time. What Donnie was
this whole time. You were even
starting to write it. Once again, a
character you love is hard to get
away from. You dedicated so much
time to our show. Making sure there
was a new episode every week for
over four and a half years! Maybe
you didn’t need to stop altogether,
maybe you just needed a break. A
chance to take a little time off
and come back fresh and new. Did
that ever come into your mind? I’ll
tell you what. If you answer this
honestly, I’ll go away forever.
Tell me, right now, without any
hint of distrust: Do you want to do
this again? Do you have that same
passion you had before? That
passion for comedy, film and
reviewing? Do you honestly want me
to come back?
Doug stares at the ground for a bit.
DOUG
Yes.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC (O.S.)
Then what are you waiting for?
Doug turns, hearing the Critic’s voice from his living room.
He walks there, and finds the Critic seated at the table.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC (CONT’D)
We have work to do.
Doug sits at the opposite end of the table.
DOUG
First, some ground rules.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Fair enough.
DOUG
Reviews every two weeks.
The Critic appears shocked.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 25.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Two weeks?
DOUG
Maybe every other week I can do a
mini-review or a film editorial but
if we still want these jokes to
still be fresh and funny, I need
more time on them and that’s gonna
be two weeks.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
So be it. Rule two, no more cutoff
dates.
Doug appears confused.
DOUG
What?
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
I want to review whatever I want,
whenever I want.
DOUG
But you’re the Nostalgia Critic.
It’s in your name.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
I won’t review anything currently
in theaters. And besides, if you’re
seeing something after it came out
in the cinema doesn’t that
technically make it nostalgic?
DOUG
Well, I guess horrible films aren’t
restricted to just one time period.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Very true.
DOUG
One last condition.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
What?
Doug holds up the DVD of The Odd Life of Timothy Green.
DOUG
This has to be the first review.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 26.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Why?
DOUG
This is the movie that brought you
back. That made me realize I could
actually do this again. I feel like
I owe it.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
But nobody saw it! I don’t even
know how many people remember it.
DOUG
Maybe it’s to show that even
something that’s regarded as
terrible or forgettable can still
inspire something creative.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Done.
DOUG
Alright then. What’s next?
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
I think you know what’s next.
Doug looks up to find the Critic gone. He heads back to his
computer and finishes the Demo Reel script and adds the
words "the Plot Hole" to the end of the script, making the
sentence read "Donnie looks up and sees the Plot Hole".
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO
Donnie’s in the exact same place as before, during the first
scene. As he looks up, he sees a swirling blue vortex. It’s
the PLOT HOLE.
PLOT HOLE
Hello, Donnie.
DONNIE
Wha...? who are you? What are you?
PLOT HOLE
I am the creator of a web series
that takes a critical look at
nostalgic movies.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.
DONNIE
I don’t understand.
Tacoma steps up behind him.
TACOMA
The person you are now is a direct
result of a choice.
DONNIE
Tacoma?
TACOMA
A choice you made for the sake of
the plot.
DONNIE
Plot?
Rebecca appears from behind Tacoma.
REBECCA
Yes. You sacrificed yourself to the
Plot Hole, bringing order to chaos,
logic to insanity. But something
went wrong.
DONNIE
What?
Quinn appears from behind Rebecca.
QUINN
Your mind couldn’t handle the
paradox of your own martyrdom. It
wouldn’t let you believe that you
were capable of such a selfless
act.
DONNIE
Well then... What is this? Where am
I?
Carl appears from behind all of them. He isn’t a dinosaur
anymore.
CARL
It is a...
He finds himself unable to say anything, because he can’t
address Donnie being this crowded. He pushes Rebecca and
Quinn to the wall and squeezes past Tacoma. Now in the
front, he resumes his speech.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 28.
CARL (CONT’D)
A prison, a purgatory. Forged deep
in the depth of your own neurosis
and made flesh by the Plot Hole.
Now at last you will know what it’s
like to experience failure and see
through the eyes of tortured child
stars and watch as all of your
ambition crumbles into a mangy pile
of heap. A lifetime of harsh
criticisms atoned for at last.
PLOT HOLE
And it’s for precisely these
reasons that you need to come back?
DONNIE
Come back? To what? I sound like a
fucking maniac!
PLOT HOLE
To some. To others...
DONNIE
Who was I?
A montage of Nostalgia Critic clips play.
DONNIE (CONT’D)
Oh my God. YOU SON OF A BITCH! Do
you have any idea how much this
shit scarred me? Do you have any
idea the hell I had to go through
here? I was a godawful filmmaker! I
made movies that nobody liked! I
tried telling everybody my good
intentions but no one ever listened
to me! I was a horrible child star
actor! My mother was destroyed by
the Hollywood system! This is the
worst possible punishment that
could ever be devised for me! Sweet
Jesus tap dancing Christ with
dinner, a show and a kiss
goodnight!
PLOT HOLE
Yes.
DONNIE
And?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 29.
PLOT HOLE
But perhaps now, you’re a little
wiser. Everyone you criticize from
this point on has a face. In every
way, they are just like you. They
work hard, they feel pain, they
laugh, they cry. And when you mock
them, you also mock yourself. You
can still criticize all you want
but deep down inside, you’ll always
know what it’s like to be on the
other side. And never truly forget.
DONNIE
So now what?
PLOT HOLE
So now it’s time to go back and
review again.
DONNIE
Wait! What about the Plot Hole? I
mean, I was sent in to keep it
stable and I couldn’t do it.
Someone has to sacrifice their life
to obsess over all the little
mistakes of the world.
PLOT HOLE
It’s all right. I found someone
obsessed with mistakes and who had
no life worth sacrificing.
CUT TO:
INT. PLOT HOLE
We see Douchey McNitpick inside the plot hole.
DOUCHEY
There’s a mistake! There’s a
mistake! There’s a mistake! Oh my
God, this is the worst job ever!
He repeatedly zaps every mistake with his finger.
CUT TO:
30.
INT. STUDIO
PLOT HOLE
So, what are you waiting for,
Critic? There’s a whole world to
criticize.
Donnie smiles and heads toward the vortex. He stops and
looks at the others.
DONNIE
But wait? What about them?
PLOT HOLE
They belong to the Plot Hole now.
As soon as you leave.
DONNIE
But I’ve gotten to know them and-
TACOMA
Hey, don’t worry about us.
REBECCA
Yeah, we’ve gotten through tougher
scrapes.
QUINN
Like killer turkeys.
CARL
And Swedish terrorists.
DONNIE
Sure?
TACOMA
Yeah.
REBECCA
I think you learned your lesson.
QUINN
But if you ever need a reminder,
you know where to find us.
CARL
Now walk through that portal and
face your destiny. That’s an order.
DONNIE
Thanks, guys.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 31.
Donnie heads into the portal. The Demo Reel crew wave
goodbye, and Carl salutes him. The crew eventually fade into
thin air. As we zoom out from the light in the ceiling, we
see Donnie lying on the ground. He sees the Critic’s famous
leather chair. He hoists himself off the ground, and picks
up the Critic’s hat. He then notices the Critic’s outfit,
and smiles. He removes Donnie’s hat, puts on the Critic’s
outfit and hat, and sits down in the chair. He’s now the
Critic.
CUT TO:
INT. ELLIS RESIDENCE
Lindsey has her iPhone out, and she’s watching a video.
Nella has returned. She sits down on Lindsey’s couch.
NELLA
The deed is done.
Lindsey glares at her. Nella looks at her iPhone.
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO
We see the Nostalgia Critic. He is seated with his hands
together resting on the table, and the trademark peach
background is there too.
NOSTALGIA CRITIC
Hello. I’m the Nostalgia Critic.
And I’m back to remember it so you
don’t have to.
CUT TO:
INT. ELLIS RESIDENCE
NELLA
Oh. Oh, you meant for me to... Oh.
Nella laughs nervously, as Lindsey starts drinking some
alcoholic beverage.
NELLA (CONT’D)
That’s really funny. I’m gonna be
somewhere that’s not here.
Nella runs off as Lindsey collapses onto the couch.
32.
CUT TO:
INT. LEWIS’ APARTMENT
LEWIS
Pollo! That was a very off-color
joke you said! Don’t you agree,
Cybermats?
The Cybermats do nothing.
ASTRO-MEGASHIP
Well, I think that-
LEWIS
Nobody cares what you think,
Astro-Megaship.
INT. BRAD’S APARTMENT
Brad’s on the phone.
BRAD
Nostalgia Critic? Who the fuck is
that? When are you gonna bring back
Melvin?
THE END