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Jay Kerner Publisher/Local Product Pimp

Anyone acquainted with my wife, (the Queen), knows about her love of skin care products. Particularly lotions.

She applies it liberally in both her morning and evening ministrations, and the hands get periodic reapplications throughout the day.

Now if that sounds like a complaint of any kind, well… perish the thought!

A lifetime of this routine has left her exteri-or surfaces, (CAUTION: EXPLICIT DETAILS AHEAD!)…pretty much head to toe, the ap-proximate tone and texture of the proverbial

baby’s bottom. (What? TMI?)Anyway, let’s just say the girl’s picky about her lotion.Over the years, she’s found several that have made her rotation. Some she likes for the smell. Others, for the feel.She’s got some for her feet and others for her face.I once foolishly thought I’d buy her a jar of one of her favorites for Mother’s

Day or some other occasion. The lady behind the counter of the department store rang it up, and I honestly, just about choked. I quickly did some men-tal arithmetic, and was faced with the options of buying my wife some lotion or putting gas in my car for the next couple of months. Seriously! I couldn’t believe it.

That’s when I exercised one of the secret methods we employ to keep our marriage in shape, well into our fourth decade; I turned a blind eye to it.

I decided I don’t want to know what she spends on lotion, and I don’t need to. And it goes without saying that she doesn’t need to know about… well… every little thing I do either.

This would probably be a good time to bring up her love of samplers. Any bottle with a pump and a “try me” sticker, draws her like a moth to the flame.

But while they easily entice her to sample, they rarely convince her to buy.

Like I say, she has a pretty good assortment already.

That’s why I was surprised about a month ago, when I first heard her gushing about a new lotion she’d found at Hy-Vee.

It didn’t really register, until I heard “Gosh, I really love this lotion!” for maybe the fifth or sixth time. We’re always on the lookout for things to turn our readers on to, and when I mentioned the idea to the Queen she was all about it.

I found the website on the bottle, and did a little online digging. The more I learned, the more I liked about Artisan Thoughtful Body Care.

First they have a really large selection of lotions

and cremes, all formulated with the highest quality, natural ingredients by a scientist from right here in the Northland. We love that stuff!

But as important as what’s in his products, is what’s not. We actually learned some disturbing things about com-mon additives in an awful lot of mass-marketed products. Like industrial chemicals and suspected carcinogen stuff! Yikes!

Needless to say, Artisan products have none of that. The list of things they are free of, includes all the ones you would want or care about.

There’s also a bunch of science info that was frankly above my pay grade. I’m sure it would be compelling to our friends among the pocket protector crowd, but the Queen’s endorsement was plenty good enough for me.

It’s also surprisingly inexpensive, or at least it seemed so to me, after seeing what she paid for others.

So far she’s turned on her friends at work and her other girlfriends as she encounters them.

If you, or someone you care about is a “lotion freak” like the Queen, hit the sampler at any area Hy-Vee, where they stock the main sellers in the Artisan line. For other options and specialty products, go to their website, at www.artisanlotions.com.

The Queen Loves This Lotion

Dear Joe,Thanks for the piece on Oregano Oil. Ive been using it for a couple of weeks now and can already tell the difference. My sinuses which have always been congested, are now flowing like crazy. You might have mentioned all the nose blowing but otherwise I’m thrilled.

Dear Joe, How does one submit material for your consider-ation?I have an idea for an organic gardening column I’d like to present to The Regular Joe.I refer to myself as“The Green Elf”.

Dear Elf,Sounds interesting but how about if you start by send-ing us a piece and we’ll see where it goes from there? Happy to look at anything you would like to submit.Joe

Contact The Regular Joe816-617-5850

email@theregularjoepaper.comP.O. Box 1304 St. Joseph, Mo. 64502

Read us onlinewww.theregularjoepaper.com

Danny R. PhillipsRegular Joe Music Guy

The late great “Gonzo” journalist Hunter S. Thompson once said of roller derby, “Anything that gets your blood racing is a good thing.” Well, I would agree with the good doctor on this: live life to its fullest and enjoy your time. On the 27th day of February 2015, I attended a roller derby bout for the first time ever with former roller derby referee Brick House. What I got was an up-close look at St. Joseph Roller Derby; my heart raced, my blood pumped and I fell in love with women on wheels.

What I saw were athletes, skating at top speed, checking people out of the way and sacrificing their bodies for the sport they had grown to love. I had never given roller derby much thought past Jim Croce’s immortal song, “Roller Derby Queen,” the movies “Whip It” (a reference to a move called “Cracking the Whip”), 1972’s “Kansas City Bomber” and a fleeting interest as a child at the tail end of the 1970’s roller derby popularity boom.

Witnessing roller derby in St. Joseph was nothing I could have expected or imagined; The seats, walkways and refreshment booths were all busy, teeming with Fans ready to watch The Venomous Vixens, The Danger Dolls, The Jesse Janes and Rushin’ Rollettes. I had often thought of roller derby as merely a dis-traction, woman in hot pants and fishnets, each player with a colorful moniker.

Women with fire in the eyes and names like Jenicide, Hot-ness Monster, Dictator Devyn, Hiplash, Head Hunt-ress, Betty Clock-Her and Italian Ice all skated with wild abandon, fighting their way through the pack, ready to slip, slide and bloody their way to the front, hurriedly trying to score points.

Brick House, a wealth of knowl-edge when it comes to all things roller derby, tried in vain to explain the rules of the sport to me. Telling me what a “jammer” is (all I remember is its most generally the fastest skater on any given team), a whip, how a skater can draw penalties and points reductions, what constitutes whether or not a hit is clean or dirty. The information that rolled out of her mind was astonishing, captivat-ing. Like, when I get on a roll with mu-sic facts, her eyes lit up as she searched her brain for more to tell me, more files to share. The sheer joy I saw on her face as she told me these things was price-less, something I will not soon forget.

My education went on as I watched the action on the floor from my front row seat. The Intensity these play-ers show could rival any football player or hockey fanatic, some had fire in their

guts, and others were calculating their next move, ready to pounce at a moment’s notice, knocking their competitors out of the way with a well place shove or check, setting the trap that would put them on top.

Part of the show, for me, was in the stands. Fans descended upon Civic Arena with a resolute task: they were there to see their favorite player, perhaps drink some beer and cheer or jeer the players as they skated by, giving off an energy that must have fed the players and, by extension, escalating the level of urgency to the match. Kids wore t-shirts extolling the virtues of their favorite team, drawing clear lines in fandom, arguing and playing simultaneously, hating on rivals will playing hacky sack with the enemy.

The point to all this rambling is, it is exciting to see St. Joe this excited about roller derby or anything else for that matter. It is good to see folks com-ing out as community and supporting something together. With sewer problems, school board scandals and the like, its great that there is something for us to get behind. I may not understand sport but I will be going back. Thompson was right. Anything that can get your blood racing is a good thing. And after what I saw, with all the speed, aggression, patience and skill, this past Friday night, it showed me that roller derby in St. Joe is a very, very good thing.

5

A Night at the Derby

Shannon Bond

Garmin devices do not fare well when you run over them. This seems obvious I know, but we recently, and quite involuntarily, conducted this experiment. All I can say is that somehow it jumped out of my riding back and slid over the garage floor directly into the path of our car. I’m a bit of a techno junky but didn’t realize how this would affect my cycling. This particular device was a Garmin Edge 810. It had been with me on a lot of adventures, including the Dirty Kanza 200,

not that I get sentimental about gadgets mind you. I wasn’t really upset and figured I would replace it, but I also have my

phone with all of the go-to cycling apps and a Garmin Fenix 2 multisport watch, and even a full blown Android watch (I’m kind of a gadget geek). Surely these would tide me over as I peddled. But, after a few rides I realized how specific technology affects the way I interact with the physical world. I was ready for an-other Garmin Edge with a large screen and readable maps. The watch wasn’t cut-ting it, and the phone’s screen wasn’t visible in direct sunlight. My favorite kind of riding is adventure and exploration and I like that visible map in front of me.

This made me think about the digital age that we live in. Maybe you call it the in-formation age, or the digital revolution, but it’s all the same. Technology has permeated our tangible reality. It’s sneaky though, be-cause often times we don’t realize how it af-fects us. Is it common practice for you to look up a product in a store? This goes beyond price matching; we are no longer at the mer-cy of the salesman and their assumed knowl-edge. We can look up the specifications for anything, anytime, anywhere. We can read reviews from real buyers, and make informed decisions. It’s scary because it seems natural; we don’t even think about it, but fifteen years ago it would have been science fiction.

Whether we ride or run for adventure, fitness or competition, we track every route and share it in real time. We see every stat that we want, from our power and cadence to our heartrate, steps per minute, and swim stroke. Your chosen platform will show you trends for the week, month and year. Want to know how many miles you rode last year? That’s easy. How about the miles on a par-ticular set of shoes? If you track gear, you can do that, too. This helps us to make even more informed training decisions without a high paid trainer. The digital has transferred to the

tangible in a profound and diverse way. I prefer to use the navigation of a dedicated bike computer, but there are a

host of watches and phone apps that serve the same purpose. This also inspires brand loyalty in a new way since we invest our time and money into a specif-ic ecosystem such as Gamin Connect, Strava, MapMyRide or others. And, we haven’t even talked about fitness tracking. Do you feel naked if you’re not wear-ing your tracker? Do you feel cheated if you aren’t getting credit for the steps you take or the hours of sleep you get? Again, this marries the conceptual digital world with the physical.

Not only is our world digital, it’s digitally social. I’m not sure what long term effect this has on our psyches but I do know that it can help motivate us. If we set weekly goals in our fitness calendar, which is integrated with our devices, and we compete against others or ourselves, we are motivated to get out and beat those goals. Since everything is social, we can track our friends and fall prey to peer pressure, which in this case is good, because if Gary is crushing more miles than you are this week, it may get you off the couch. Does this take away from the soul or purity of fitness? I don’t think so, that’s the beauty of a device that works well. Set it and forget it. I may look at my speed while I’m out and use the navigation but if the device works well without the need to tinker, I don’t even think about it. It’s naturally integrated into my everyday life and ride.

Our Digital Age

Brew Top Pub North8614 N. Boardwalk Fri 3/6 DolewiteSat 3/7 SwitchThur 3/12 Dueling PianosFri 3/13 Noe PalmaSat 3/14 Groove TherapyThurs 3/20 Twice on Sun-dayFri 3/21 Money for Nothin’Thur 3/26 Dueling PianosFri 3/27 WonderfuzzSat 3/28 Stolen Winneba-gos

Fat Fish Blue7260 NW 87th in Zona Rosa all shows 8pmSat 3/7 AZ OneFri 3/13 RivertownSat 3/14 Steamboat BanditsFri 3/20 The M-80’sSat 3/21 Kyle Sexton BandFri 3/27 Titanium BlueSat 3/28 Brother Bagman

Sherlock’s Underground858 S 291 in Liberty

Every Wed at 8pm Oasis

The Hideout 6948 N. Oak Every Thursday is Bike Nite withDave Hayes Band, Levee Town, and Blue 88Open blues jam Sundays, 7 p.m.

Pat’s Pub1315 Swift in NKCEvery Wed nite Open Jam hosted by Rob Gray

Live Music Hi-Lites across the Northland

THANKSFOR

READINGTHE

REGULARJOE!

Soap Making WorkshopLocal soapmaker Angie Twitchel will be visiting Dew Yah’s on Saturday

March 14th, 1-3pm for a soapmaking 101 workshop. Learn how to work with lye and head home with a pound of your own personally scented soap. Class fee $35 (includes materials)

Chicken Keeping Workshop March 21st. 1-3pmAre your interested in keeping chickens in an urban environment?.

Wondering how to keep hens in the city without ruffling neighborhood or

government feathers . Topics we’ll cover are chickens and the law, breeds, proper feed storage, chicken housing, preventing urban chicken nuisances and more. Class fee $15, child is $5 with an adult.

109 Main Street in Parkville. 816-982-9560 or www.dewyahs.com.

Workshops Scheduled at Dew Yah’s in Parkville

11

Parkville April Cruise Night Saturday, April 04, 4:00 - 8:00 pmHistoric Downtown Parkville, MissouriCity Parking LotFree Admission Voted best in the Northland 2014 by NPG Newspapers! Northland’s most popular Cruise Night is returning for its 7th year on Saturday, April 4th in Historic Downtown Parkville! Join us for the first 2015 Parkville Cruise Night, find your dream ride while you listen to cool tunes, cruise hot wheels, and take in the sights, shopping and dining up and down Main Street. It’s a great trip down memory lane! Questions? Visit www.parkvillemo.org or call 816-505-2227. 2015 Parkville Cruise Night DatesSaturday, May 2ndSaturday, June 6thSaturday, August 1stSaturday, September 5th Please note: Events and times are subject to change.

Reverend Ron

Connie (my wife) and I were born and raised in Missouri. I grew up around Moberly, east of St. Joseph along Highway 24. Connie grew up in Independence. We met and married while I served a small church in Independence. Connie has lived elsewhere, Washington State, Korea, and always seemed to find her way back to Missouri. Outside of college, seminary, and a couple of churches in Oklahoma and Kansas, I am pretty much a Missouri boy.

In the year 2000, I accepted a call to a church in Berkeley, California, and served there until my retirement. After an Interim position in Vallejo with a church in transition, we moved back to Missouri. Selling our home and disengaging from the San Francisco area presented quite a challenge—we loved it so much!

When it came time to leave the Bay Area, we sent the moving van ahead and took a long slow trip across the country, our van loaded to the roof with boxes and the car full of loose items and one nervous cat. We passed across the Sierra Nevada Mountains into Nevada, right into “gun country.” All through Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, we saw signs and slogans advocating “gun rights”—bill boards, bumper stickers, tee shirts, trucks with rifles across the back window, etc. The Internet lists an abun-dance of these slogans, most of them humorous.

One bumper sticker reads, “Keep honking, I’m reloading.” A sign in a shop reads, “This house is guarded with a shotgun, three days a week. Guess which days.” A posting for a property reads, “Is there life after death? Trespass here and find out.” Lettering on a tee shirt: “Guns don’t kill people, dads with daughters do.” One slogan in particular caught my attention. “No woman ever shot a man

while he was doing dishes. Gun control is doing more dishes.”

While Connie and I enjoyed the humor, there was no mistaking the ambiance. I have attempted to characterize this in my mind. Along with a com-pelling sense of territory, in this part of the country there is a strong sense of independence laced with rich humor. Relationships seem close and based on respect. When people build fences, they mean it. The country feels rugged and a place where people stand up straight when they talk with one another. One can feel it in the air.

This stands in contrast with the area of the

country we had just left. In Berkeley, there is a deep sense of protest, carrying signs and speaking up for what people believe are “just causes.” This feels normal in Berkeley, and is that around which rela-tionships are built. They say that in Berkeley, two people go to a protest march, and one asks the other, “What’s this one about?” I do not believe a city like Berkeley would be possible in Wyoming.

What works in one part of the country may

not work in another. The density of people, shape of the land, industries and available resources—all are factors in shaping ambiance. Context, interest-stakes and personal values, all go to create the “per-sonality” of our cities or neighborhoods.

For me, settling in Missouri after having lived elsewhere is offering an interesting perspective. I marvel at how each state and section of the country has a cultural context, a personality, an ambiance of its own. Having lived in Missouri most of my life, I look back on what generally has felt like a fish in water, unaware of the very water in which it swims.

The ambiance of Missouri is a “personality” into itself. I can’t put my finger on it, but one can feel it in subtle things—political rhetoric, a style of humor, the language with which people talk about their religion. It’s fun to notice these things and ponder how a visitor might characterize Missouri-ans.

Ambiance

Shannon Bond

Let’s talk about gods. Spe-cifically, American Gods by Neil Gaiman. The book has been around for a long time. As a matter of fact, it celebrated its 10th anniversary in 2010. To commemorate this, Neil Gaiman released a new version with previously unpublished content. Now I understand that this isn’t exactly breaking news since it happened five years ago, but at the Regular Joe we like to review things that have been out for a while, too. There is nothing wrong with getting your use out of something, especially a story. We are often caught up in the never ending tide of timely and forget that some things are timeless.

While I had read this book years ago, and appreciated it in print, this time I listened to the audio book. As other folks with full sched-ules can testify, audio books and NPR are like magic dust sprinkled over a long daily commute. This particular audio book was narrated by an entire cast. I’ve listened to a lot of audio books in my time but this was a first for me. I have to say that it added an interesting element to the mental pictures playing out in my mind. It was very much worth the time invested.

The story itself is about a man named Shadow who is thrust upon a journey to find himself. Of course, he doesn’t know that he needs to find himself, or that there previously wasn’t that much to find. His dead wife helps, along with a host of old gods brought over by their immi-grant believers. Naturally these gods are using him for their own selfish interests, and they are at odds with the pantheon of new gods. America, it turns out, is not a good place for gods at all. And gods, well, they turn out to be con men and seducers who survive on the attention of hu-mans. Does this all sound confusing? It should, I wouldn’t want to spoil it.

Gaiman, as usual, has done a fantastic job of weaving a clever tale. This story flowed out of his mind and landed on the pages while he moved about the country absorbing Ameri-cana first hand (he’s not from here you know). Since he actually explored the places that show up in the book (instead of using Google Earth), it adds something special to the narrative and makes you wonder just how much is imagina-tion, and how much may be true. Well, true about the places anyway, I’m not sure about the gods or what makes up a true place of power in America, you’ll have figure that part out. I’m sure you can find the audio book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble but you may want to try your local library or the Overdrive Media app for a

free version. I listened to it on Scribd, which I’m a big fan of since their subscription is only nine dollars a month for audio and e-book. Make sure you look for the ten year anniversary addition to get the benefit of a full cast of readers.

America: the Melting Pot….of Gods?

Brian J. Myers

The first rite of spring, Apple Blossom Week-end, will be filled with many fun events.

APPLE BLOSSOM PARADEThe main attraction will once again be the

Apple Blossom Parade that will be held on Satur-day, May 2nd beginning at 9:30 am. Once again, the parade will begin at Noyes and Frederick. The parade will progress west on Frederick to 9th Street where it will turn south to Felix Street, at Felix Street, it will turn west again and disband at 4th and Felix.

The theme for this year’s parade is “Our future is Bright”. The theme for this year’s parade cel-ebrates the future for the parade and our community.

The Apple Blossom committee is stressing that all parade entries be decorated. The Apple Blossom website (www.appleblossomparade.com) has a list of recommendations for individuals to fol-low for dressing up their entries.

Organizers are hopeful that more entrants will take time to do a float this year. President Ken Rosenauer stated that floats are the most popular units in the parade followed by the marching bands. To encourage more creative floats this year, the committee has increased the cash awards for the best floats. The float that best represents the parade theme according to the judges will receive $300, second place will receive $150 and third place will get $75.

Parade entry forms are available online at www.appleblossomparade.com or by calling 816-261-0422. Fees are $75 for non-profits, political candidates and individuals and $125 for com-mercial, for profit entries. Entry forms, including fees, must be submitted by mail to P,.O. Box 34, St. Joseph, Missouri, 64502 by April 15th. Entries submitted after April 15th will be assessed late fees. No entries will be accepted after April 30th.

BETTER BLOCKApple Blossom weekend will again include

Better Block. For this year’s event, Better Block will be occupying blocks on Frederick Ave. from 11th Street to 13th Street. Local pop-up businesses will be housed in each of the empty storefronts. For updates, check out their facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/betterblocksj

DISCOVER DOWNTOWNDiscover Downtown is a collaborative ef-

fort from downtown businesses, building owners and volunteers who have come together to create a two-day event that will fill empty store fronts with merchants and occupy Coleman Hawkins Park with multiple family friendly activities.

On Friday May 1st and Saturday May 2nd, Felix Street will come alive with a multitude of potential small businesses, offering their wares from several of the empty storefronts from 5th Street to 8th Street. Beginning at 10am, the public can enter these stores, and see what the prospective entrepre-neurs have to offer.

On Saturday, May 2nd, watch The Apple Blossom Parade from Felix Street, then stay after and make a day of being downtown. Discover Downtown will have a full day of events in Cole-man Hawkins Park including St. Joseph’s Passport (a festival of ethnic food and entertainment), a “Kids Zone” with multiple activities and entertain-ment, and live music from the best local bands.

Discover Downtown offers two days of shop-ping, art, music and culture that you won’t find anywhere else. Most events are free and open to all ages. For more information, please check the event page on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/events/912168462167848

FIRST SATURDAYS DOWNTOWN ST. JOSEPH

Join us on the first Saturday of each month in historic downtown St. Joseph for First Saturdays, a family friendly event that brings together the best of regional art and music, hosted within various downtown businesses.

Each month, participating busi-nesses host an art exhibit, live music, or show a film within their establish-ment. Those who make their way downtown for this monthly event also get the great retail deals, as many of the locally owned stores run their best sales during First Saturdays. Most events are free of charge and open to all ages.

Since 2012, First Saturdays has grown to incorporate nearly 20 busi-nesses each month and is continuing to grow. Several times each year, First Saturdays Downtown St. Joseph helps sponsor other events in the downtown including “Christmas at the Square” and “Discover Downtown”.

For a complete and updated schedule of monthly events, please visit our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/downtownstj?fref=ts. Tag us on Instagram and Twitter with the hashtag #downtownstjoe.

APPLE BLOSSOM BARBEQUEThe Northwest Missouri Children’s Advocacy

Center will once again sponsor the Apple Blossom Barbeque competition on May 1st and 2nd in Civic Center Park. Professional barbeque teams from the region will compete for prize money and the op-portunity to barbeque at the American Royal. The event kicks off on Friday evening with live music from Maria the Mexican and the popular People’s Choice Award. Individuals are invited to taste the barbeque for a small fee and pick their favorite. On Saturday, the competition heats up and the judg-ing begins. Proceeds from the event benefit the Northwest Missouri Children’s Advocacy Center. The center is a not-for-profit agency that works with children that have been sexually or physi-cally abused or severely neglected. They provide a child-friendly environment to conduct one interview to help law enforcement investigate and prosecute these crimes. They also provide counseling for victims of child abuse.

Apple Blossom Weekend in Downtown St. Joe

www.rrtst joe.org 816-232-1778 www.jomotickets.com

www.StJoMo.com

a non-stop comedyMarch 13-28, 2015 Robidoux Landing Playhouse

landing series • reserved seatingadult + dinner $28-$35 • children 12&under + dinner $16-$23

15Where to go...When you come to St. Joe!