www.theflatbushfauxnix.com | 1

A Student Publication of the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School • 1609 Avenue J, Brooklyn, New York • Issue 6 • Purim 2016 / 5776

Alumnus Profile:Bernie Sanders ('58) Page 2

Standard of Fabulous:District 12: Yeezy, breezy, beautifulPage 7

Sports:James Buchanan, lacrosse superstarPage 8

In This Issue

New Teacher Spotlight: Mrs. FrizzleBy Daliah Ben-AriSophomore Editor

If you haven’t heard of our newest ad-dition to the Science department, Mrs. Frizzle, you’ll have no problem spotting her. All you need to identify her is to look for her curly red hair in a bun and yep, that’s Mrs. Frizzle!

Mrs. Frizzle, commonly known as “The Friz,” initially taught third grade at Walk-erville Elementary School. She specializes in all types of sciences, but The Friz is best known for her exotic trips on her magic school bus.

Mrs. Frizzle wasn’t always sure that she was destined to teach science. After teaching for 20+ years, she decided to pursue her long desired dream of acting. However, her Disney career didn’t go anywhere because the Disney audience often con-fused her with Merida from Brave. When she decided to abandon her brief acting career, she knew she was destined to come teach at Flatbush.

Her hobbies include endless hours spent searching for a parking spot on Av-enue J for her magic school bus, driving Liz (her pet lizard) all over Brooklyn the Sunday before chesed hours are due, and walking up and down Ave J and East 16th looking for Ready to Roll.

“I am aiming to strengthen the school by instituting a program called MagicFind-ers,” The Friz explained. This program is designed through the Science department to create daily trips for students. It enables real-life experiences at dangerous loca-tions on Mrs. Frizzle’s school bus.

Another change Mrs. Frizzle hopes to implement is the removal of the alarm on the annex door. “This way, my students have the freedom to go on MagicFinders trips all day without having the displea-sure of constant blaring alarms!”

The part she most enjoys about Flat-bush is the unity of the student body. “I mean, it’s truly uplifting when I see every single girl unite at Chock just to buy a green tea lemonade,” she exclaimed.

Clearly Mrs. Frizzle is ex-tremely happy to be

working in this school. She’s up

for any-thing, as long

as it pays enough for the

gas in her magic school bus!

By Daniella BabaeeEntertainment Editor

Clothing stores across the world are suffering from a devastating scarcity of sweaters. In fact, wool products of all kinds—coats, hats, and even teapot cozies—are unavailable for purchase worldwide, and beloved history teacher Mr. Engel is allegedly the one to blame.

Known for his signature sweaters, worn whether it rains or shines, he re-cently caused chaos throughout the world’s wool-related businesses. Approx-imately three weeks ago, Mr. Engel, who also serves as the Sophomore Grade Ad-

viser, was saddened over having to disci-pline yet another sophomore for his, um, sophomoric behavior. To cheer himself up, Mr. Engel went shopping. But what started as an innocent trip to a sweat-er store soon spiraled into a whirlwind sweater-shopping spree that has left men’s clothing stores around the globe reeling.

“There are no available sweaters in any of the stores,” said a spokesman for Macy's. “We’ve been out of stock for a while now.”

The hardships are being felt all the

By Esther LevyJunior Editor

After decades of reporting the Yeshi-vah’s news, The Phoenix has announced that it will permanently stop printing, ef-fective immediately. When they heard the news, students were unconcerned.

“Huh? What’s a Felix?” said Junior Ben Wade when I asked him what he thought of the latest issue of The Phoenix. I pro-nounced each syllable, FEE-nicks, and I even spelled it out. “Oh, like that Harry Potter thing,” Waide said before walking away.

This is a typical response among Flat-

bush students. Only 1 out of every 93.5 students even knows that the school has a newspaper, and those who know certain-ly don’t read it. “Ugh,” sophomore Brenda Tawil explained. “It just looks so boring. Like, even reading a sentence of it would suck all the energy out of my entire day.” When asked if she thinks the poor quality is due to Mr. Hofstetter, the English teach-er who oversees the school newspaper, she said, “Who?” before exclaiming, “Oh! Mr. Hofstetter—he’s the short, dark one with the beard, right?”

Speculation over the reason for The Phoenix’s sudden closure abounds. Some blame the toxic relationship among the

student editors who produce the paper. There’s no unity or friendship at all. In fact, it’s the opposite.

Just last Wednesday, Junior Editor David Az-rak was seen on the balco-ny shoving Web Editor Joey Baum into a locker, shouting, “You’re a disgrace to mankind! A disgrace, I tell you!” The incident is be-lieved to have stemmed from a disagree-ment over the use of an Oxford comma in an article Azrak and Baum were co-writ-ing.

Entertainment Editor Daniella Babaee

said the incident is pretty typical. “We had to stop hav-

ing meetings because of all the fistfights that’d break out.”

Naomi Sanders, Junior Editor, added, “Lots of what

goes down is from the inca-pability of some writers to han-

dle sass and … that’s just their prob-lem. I’m just here to gain college credit. If you’re interested in fighting, do it on your own time, and from a distance.”

Others blamed Editor-in-Chief Mi-chelle Harari, who was described as un-

continued on page 4

continued on page 3

The Phoenix Permanently Shuts Down

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A Student Publication of the Yeshivah of Flatbush Joel Braverman High School • 1609 Avenue J, Brooklyn, New York • Issue 5 • February 2016 / 5776

Student Survey:

How do you usually listen to

music?

Page 2

Special Section:

Technology inside (and outside)

the classroom

Page 4-5

Entertainment:

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,

oh my!

Page 6

Sports:

Kassin and BenHaim lead Boys’

Tennis on championship quest

Page 8

In This Issue

Ninety-nine percent of Flatbush ju-

niors scored above the national average

on the PSAT, according to Associate Prin-

cipal Ms. Bacon. Additionally, a review of

the 11th graders’ PSAT results reveal that

24 juniors got at least three-fourths of the

exam correct.

On October 14, 168 students from the

Flatbush junior class took the PSAT, the

pre-test to the SAT exam that many of the

same students will be taking in the up-

coming months. The PSAT assesses stu-

dents’ strengths and weaknesses, letting

them know what they need to work on in

order to earn the scores they are striving

for when the time comes to take the SAT.

The test is especially important this

year, as the College Board is debuting a

revamped version of the SAT in 2016.

According to the CollegeBoard website,

the new SAT will no longer require stu-

dents to “memorize obscure words.” Test

questions will reportedly apply more

commonly to people’s lives. For example,

a math question would now ask students

to solve a problem in a career scenario.

Meanwhile, a total of 110 Flatbush

juniors earned an accumulated score

of over 1000. Both the critical reading

and math sections are scored out of 800

points each. The highest critical reading

score in the grade was 730 and the high-

est math score was 740. The average total

score was 1064, with the critical reading

average coming in at 524 and the math

average at 530.

Some students took the PSAT but

don’t plan on taking the SAT, opting in-

stead for the ACT exam. Lauren Ishay,

3V, expressed concern over taking the

SAT because it’s a relatively unknown en-

tity.

“It’s a new test,” she said. “There are

more tests to review from [the ACT].”

Senior Sarah Coopersmith, who

earned a 1400 on the old SAT, offered ad-

vice to the juniors. “Find an app … for

the math and just practice,” she said, be-

fore adding, “Don’t listen to me because

the SAT is totally different now.”

New Teacher

Spotlight: Ms. Lamm

By Mary Jajati

Sophomore Editor

Among the many new teachers Flat-

bush has recruited this year is Ms. Tziri

Lamm, an English teacher to juniors and

seniors. Ms. Lamm has taught in several

all-girls schools, including Bais Yaakov.

Ms. Lamm grew up just a few blocks

away from the Yeshivah. She says, “I’ve

always heard about what a great school it is.” Specifically, before getting her job

here, Ms. Lamm had heard about Flat-

bush’s reputation for rigorous academics

and for strong connections to Israel.

Ms. Lamm’s students really appreciate

her. Junior Frida Eskenazy of class 3-HN

said, “I enjoy her class because she pro-

vides a stress-free environment in which

we can discuss things freely.”

When she’s not in school, Ms. Lamm

is busy raising her three children: Betza-

lel (9), Rivky (8), and Naftali (6). Each

of her children goes to a different school

because, as she explained, “Different kids

have different needs and as a parent (like

as a teacher), it’s important to focus on

what each individual child (and student)

needs in order to best succeed.”

Ms. Lamm still lives in Brooklyn, “still

pretty close to school.” Her hobbies in-

clude baking and reading but otherwise,

she said, “I’m a very boring person.”

For the past few summers Ms. Lamm

was in school getting her second master’s

degree, this time in school leadership.

With her degree completed, this summer

should be a lot more relaxing. She said

she’ll “probably just enjoy spending time

with my kids, and prep for next year of

course!”Surprisingly, Ms. Lamm didn’t al-

ways like English, because she didn’t like

her English teachers. Then, she had one

teacher for creative writing “who showed

me how different it could be, and I knew

I wanted to be like her.” She said she’s very

happy with her career choice. “Teaching

English is a lot of work but I love watch-

ing teenagers learn to think independent-

ly and surprise themselves with what they

can accomplish,” she said.

YOF Juniors Above

Average on PSATBy Miriam Zenilman

Managing Editor

Mr. Engel Causes Global Wool Shortage

#sorrynotsorry

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The Fauxnix StaffEditor-in-Chief: Michelle HarariManaging Editor: Miriam ZenilmanSenior Editor: Gabriel VizganSchool News Editor: Gabrielle CohenReligion Editor: Sarah TorguemanEntertainment Editor: Daniella BabaeeMusic Editor: Esty FromerSports Editor: Albert DweckFun and Games Editor: Merle DweckStandard of Fabulous Editors: Sylvia Ashkenazie, Aida HassonWeb Editor: Joey BaumJunior Editors: David Azrak, Diana Hoffstein, Mimi Lazerowitz, Esther Levy, Naomi Sanders, Jane ZakaySophomore Editors: Daliah Ben-Ari, Mary Jajati, Marlene Levy

Design: Therese BerkowitzFaculty Adviser: Adam Hofstetter

Rabbi Raymond Harari Head of School

Rabbi Ronald Levy Principal

Ms. Jill W. Sanders Associate Principal Director of Admissions

Ms. Sari Bacon Associate Principal

Rabbi Joseph Beyda Assistant Principal

High School Administration

Meet a Flatbush Family

Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe KardashianBy Gabi CohenSchool News Editor

Teachers and students alike have been buzzing with anticipation, excited to meet the newest Flatbush family: Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe Kardashian, and they are finally here. The Kardashian sis-ters have recently become Flatbush stu-dents after getting expelled from Magen David. In an exclusive Fauxnix inter-view, the sisters refused to discuss their expulsion but they did say that they are most excited for Mrs. Pahuskin’s fashion class. Our interviewer heard their mom-ager, Kris Jenner, screaming in the back-ground, “Tell them you all can’t wait to get your diploma!”

Academically, the sisters are strug-gling to adjust to their rigorous classes,

although Dr. Wolowelsky mentioned that Kim’s arithmetic is improving slow-ly and steadily. Otherwise, teachers say that class is no different from before they arrived, except for the increase in the number of selfies taken during class.

Socially, however, the Kardashians are making their presence felt. You might see Kourtney and Khloe making fun of Kim, the oldest Kardashian, but it’s all in good fun. Kim gets her revenge on the Dance team, where she outshines her younger sisters. SGO president Danielle Ashkenazie reports that Kourtney and Khloe are becoming an essential part of the school, starting Fashion Business and Modeling Commissions.

All three girls agreed that learning Talmud is more exciting and intellec-tually stimulating than photo shoots or working in their family clothing store. Rabbi Levy is especially happy to have the Kardashians sisters at Flatbush, and he has high hopes they will lead the To-rah Bowl team to victory.

It warms everyone’s hearts to see them in the lounge passing out their hand-me-down clothes. They are all examples of a Ba’alat Chesed. Lastly, the Kardashians have graciously offered to pay all stu-dents’ tuition, as a token of their grati-tude to Flatbush for letting them in when no other school would.

Alumnus Profile: Bernie Sanders (’58)By Diana HoffsteinJunior Editor

His Brooklyn accent is now well known to all Americans, but few people know that presidential candidate and current U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders got his start in politics at Yeshivah of Flat-bush, where he starred on the Debate team and ran unsuccessfully for SGO President in the spring of 1957. His plat-form, much like it is today, was based on equality and sharing the wealth. Specifi-cally, he called for all students to receive the same grade of B- in every class, rath-er than having some students enjoy A’s while most of the school had to get by with C’s and D’s.

Despite a move to Vermont years ago and a bid for the White House, the Flatbush alumnus has not forgotten his roots. In fact, his ties to the Yeshivah are closer than ever now that his grand-niece and -nephew Naomi and Perry Sanders are students here. Perry cer-tainly takes after his grand-uncle, who was in every Flatbush production until his graduation in 1958. Bernie has often FaceTimed Perry in the middle of a na-tionally televised debate just so that they can catch up. This is why Hillary Clinton sometimes looks so frustrated.

Associate Principal Ms. Jill Sanders claims that her brother-in-law reminds her of the character George Costanza on the show Seinfeld.

Bernie is a crucial branch in the Sanders’ family tree. Uncle Bernie hosts the bi-annual Sanders Thanksgivukkah Barbecue. He said that these barbecues are loads of fun because he and Naomi have a tradition of singing karaoke until

the sun comes up. At their last barbecue, Bernie and Naomi belted Justin Bieber’s “Love Yourself.”

After discussing his love for his fami-ly, Sanders reminisced about his years in high school. “I remember back when the pool was still a pool, there wasn’t a fan-cy auditorium, and the cereals were still knock-offs.” He said he always had the main role in the Flatbush plays and had a passion for being on stage. In his fresh-man year, he played Piglet in a Hebrew version of Winnie the Pooh: The Musical, and the rest is history.

He recalls that whenever his friends forgot lunch money, he would split his Bagel Hole order equally among all of them. “Democratic socialism means that we must create a system that works for all, not just those who can bring lunch money to school,” he remembers telling them. They didn’t quite understand him back then, but he still believed he could make a difference.

Today he credits his time at Flatbush with preparing him for a life in politics: “If I can find a parking spot on 17th, how hard can it be to run the country?”

Student Survey: Did you respond to this survey?

Yes: 28%No: 54%

Not sure: 18%

642 responses

Sanders rehearses for the Hebrew Play (1956)

www.theflatbushfauxnix.com | 3

D’var Torah: Check Your LulavBy Sarah TorguemanReligion Editor

Breaking news: lulavim are no lon-ger kosher! Sukkot is just around the corner and the preparations have been outstanding. Sukkot have been popping up around the neighborhood since Rosh Hashana. Last-minute errands are being made in preparation for the upcoming chag, but will the Jewish community be unable to fulfill the mitzvah of shaking the lulav this year?

The Zika virus has infested 90% of the lulavim that have been grown for this year’s chag of Sukkot, thus they can no longer be shipped. The infested lulavim will be destroyed immediately and used for fertilizer to grow next year’s lulav crop. Lulavim are no longer kosher, con-sidering that the majority of the shaking will be done to only the hadassim and arevot. The middle spaces of the sets will be empty.

This outbreak cannot stop the chag from taking place. Sukkot will remain the chag of simchah, or happiness. As stated in Deoraytah, or the Torah shebichtav, it is a mitzvah to be happy on Sukkot. The infestation of lulavim will not stop the simchah of Sukkot. Please, refrain from worry about not being able to fulfill the full mitzvah of shaking the lulav.

In the Sha’arei Teshuva (Orech Chay-im 625), we find that “one should in-

crease the giving of charity on … Sukkot.” As stated in the Gemara, one is required to own his own lulav on the first day of Sukkot, considering the word “lachem.” In other words, one that belongs to him. However, when it comes to the remaining days, borrowing is permitted.

This new infestation teaches a crucial lesson. In times of need, it is important to understand the idea of achdut, or uni-ty. The Jewish people are united as one, ke'ish echad belev echad. Tragedies will occur, struggles will come, and infesta-tions can take place. We cannot let this obstacle, or unfortunate occurrence, hin-der the Jewish people as a whole from fulfilling the mitzvah. It is important to perform the mitzvah to the best of our abilities. For those 10% of Jews who were fortunate enough to own their own Zi-ka-free lulavim this year, they may take advantage of the opportunity to fulfill the mitzvah of giving charity on Sukkot; they can lend their lulavim to those who need to fulfill the mitzvah.

This outbreak can be seen as a sign as well. The four minim of Sukkot can rep-resent many different objects, ideas, or concepts. Without the lulav as the spine that holds up the hadassim and aravot, the hadassim and aravot have the oppor-tunity to stand on their own without hav-ing to rely on their spine to carry them through. Without the lulav, the etrog is still has the power to stand on its own. The heart has the strength to beat with-out the reliance on the spine. As Sukkot approaches, let us remember to step up as leaders without relying on the “spines” in our lives so that we can fulfill the mitzvah of charity on this chag. Together, we can work together and make the best of what we do have with us for Sukkot this year. Chag sameach and stay safe!

By David AzrakJunior Editor

GOP presidential candidate and hair enthusiast Donald Trump has finally an-nounced his running mate in anticipa-tion of his inevitable nomination, and it is none other than our own Ms. Shelley Kaplowitz.

“She’s fabulous. Frankly, I wish I could marry her. Maybe I will when I inevita-bly tire of my current wife. I can assure you there’s no problem. I’ve never met Shelley Kaplowitz, but my dear friend Senator Rokita told me she would be a perfect running mate,” Trump said in an exclusive Fauxnix interview.

On Monday, Trump could be seen landing his helicopter on the Yeshivah’s rooftop tennis court to take Ms. Kaplow-itz to Trump Towers for the formal an-nouncement.

When asked about the unexpected nomination, Ms. Kaplowitz said, “It tru-ly is an honor to be working with such a great man. I have adored Mr. Trump ever since he first started publicly insulting highly accomplished women based on their appearance. I especially admire his position on immigration, his embracing of the KKK, and the way he has restored class and dignity to the presidential de-bates. I feel very much like Sarah Palin, a truly intelligent and successful woman

whom I deeply admire.”As part of the “Trumpification” pro-

cess, Ms. Kaplowitz will be given a spray tan, a Trump-like hairdo, and have her fingers shrunken in order to better con-vey what the Trump brand truly means. In fact, Trump will now be running with a brand new slogan: “My fingers may be small, but I’ll still build that wall!”

Only one question remains, of course: what will become of Kaplowitz’s classes?

“None of my students follow current events so they have no idea this has hap-pened,” Ms. Kaplowitz explained. “In fact, they’re probably not reading The Fauxnix either. So they’ll find out when I stop showing up to class. For now, though, my classes will be taught by Mr. Engel and Mr. Lazar.”

Mr. Engel, currently in hiding after wiping out the world’s wool supply, was unavailable to fully comment and merely said “Really?!” 12 times. Mr. Lazar an-swered our questions in Latin, which we are just going to casually ignore for lack of comprehension.

Finally, as part of a new sponsor-ship deal, the Yeshivah of Flatbush will now officially be called Trump Yeshivah. Trump wigs will replace kippot as man-datory headgear, Mr. Kweller’s business elective classes will now be part of Trump University, and the Spanish department has been deported.

Flatbush to Welcome Syrian RefugeesBy Michelle HarariEditor-in-Chief

As of March 2016, the Yeshivah of Flat-bush has decided to take it upon itself to help solve the Syrian refugee crisis in a cre-ative way: take them in to the Yeshivah as students.

Watching the Syrian civil war play out from afar, the Flatbush School Board de-cided to take matters into its own hands. “The government has a rigorous screening process before allowing any refugees into the country,” said Associate Principal Ms.

Sanders, who oversees admission. “We have a rigorous screening process before allow-ing any students into the school. It’s a nat-ural fit.”

The administration believes this will aid the homeless and scared Syrian children as well as the Flatbush high school students. “We’ll teach them math and English and they’ll teach the students self-defense and combat skills,” noted Assistant Principal Rabbi Beyda. “It’s a win-win situation.”

Principal Rabbi Levy explained the pro-cess. First the refugees will be absorbed into the high school and, after the administra-tion analyzes how well they adapt to the life here, they’ll be admitted to the elementary school as well. “We will begin enforcing fur-ther security measures for the first couple of weeks, until we smooth things out fully,” Rabbi Levy added. “We really want to try to bring them in before the seniors leave so

they can all learn a thing or two from each other.”

When asked for comment, Mr. Galpert responded that he’s now swamped with even more work, trying to arrange new schedules and timings for all these new students. He added, “But there is no way they can make it

on to senior ski trip, I’ll tell you that much!”We’re all looking forward to an interest-

ing end-of-term and especialy in the future, when the Syrian refugees will no longer be considered merely refugees here, but just another part of the Syrian community of Brooklyn.

Editor's Note: For those unable to detect sarcasm, Ms. Kaplowitz would like it known she would rather chew off her own foot than be associated with Mr. Trump in any way.

Trump Taps Kaplowitz as VP

Welcome, Class of 2020!

likeable and abusive by many members of the staff, who all requested anonymity in order to avoid Harari’s vengeance. Teach-ers, who are similarly afraid of Harari’s violent temper, described her as irrespon-sible, immature, and “chutzpadik,” what-ever that means.

Rabbi Levy, who approves all arti-cles before they can be printed, has also weighed in on the demise of The Phoenix, noting how fed up he was with checking boring articles. “It’s torture reading those articles,” Rabbi Levy stated. “I’m actually retiring just to escape.”

Rabbi Levy and Ms. Sanders revealed

that banning The Phoenix has been dis-cussed on multiple occasions—almost every day. “We were just waiting for an excuse,” Sanders exclaimed, excited by the idea.

However, such action, or rather the lack of action, had angered much of the faculty, who protested the continuation of The Phoenix. “The level of discourse is simply atrocious,” remarked Ms. Bloom. “The whole thing is rubbish.”

Ultimately none of our sources were able to pin down the precise reason for the newspaper’s termination. However, nobody seems to be sorry to see it go.

Phoenix Shuts Down... continued from front page

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By Naomi SandersJunior Editor

After much tension with the admin-istration, Mr. Howard Rothbort, Chair of the History Department, has decid-ed that he is done with teaching and is ready to start a new chapter of his life. While the administration is struggling to remain calm, Mr. Rothbort says he wants to “turn back time” to pursue his childhood dream of becoming a stand-up comedian. “No need to give out plus fives to students telling me I look young, by the way. Doing standup comedy helps me feel young again, like back when I had hair,” Rothbort explained. “I don’t want to be on a teacher’s salary for the rest of my life. I have no money anyway.”

Mr. Rothbort says he is leaving Yeshi-vah of Flatbush because he’s “not gonna take it! No! We ain’t gonna take it! We’re not gonna take it anymore!” He claims to be “hadjed with the kibbe lahmajin” that goes into teaching students who have “no shot of passing this class.”

Mr. Rothbort adds, “Also, they’re such a tough crowd; it’s time I am ap-preciated for my humor.” The adminis-tration has tried its best to get Mr. Roth-bort to stay and even offered him better transportation (instead of his moped),

but the genie is already out of the bot-tle. Associate Principal Ms. Sanders ex-presses her despair to Mr. Rothbort in an e-mail: “Surely there is something we can do to get you to change your mind?” His response: “Don’t call me Shirley.” When asked about the correspondence, Mr. Rothbort replied, “The administra-tion can’t touch this. No touchy.”

Will his comedy career be successful? Only time will tell, but Mr. Rothbort is confident. “I figure my funny ties alone will get me a one-hour comedy special on HBO. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll just quote lines from The Princess Bride.”

This is hardly the first time Mr. Roth-bort has changed careers. He said he used to work in the food businesses. For example, he used to work for a bakery but he wasn’t making enough dough. He also worked for Tropicana, but his boss said he couldn’t concentrate. He also has put his muscles to the test as a lum-berjack but, sadly, they gave him the ax. We were going to ask whether he ever worked in a bank, but we lost interest.However, he is excited to finally be pur-suing his calling every weeknight, where his jokes will be on a roll, not a bagel.

Mr. Rothbort told The Fauxnix that now he is only working nights and will have more time to spend with his kids, Tehila, Zeke, Shishi, and Eliav, and take care of his cats, Salt and Pepper. He says, “I’ve always told my students that they gotta get out more. It’s time I took my own advice.”

His departure leaves the History de-partment in turmoil. With Mr. Lazar leaving for Rome, Ms. Kaplowitz pur-suing her political aspirations, and Mr. Engel in disgrace after ruining an inter-national industry, Mr. Kweller will be the new department chairman. Asked for his thoughts about handing the reins to Mr. Kweller, Mr. Rothbort said, “Mr. Kweller is very tall.”

Long Live Rothbortji!

Vending Machine Attacks StudentBy Marlene LevySophomore Editor

Exasperated after years of abuse, one of the vending machines outside the Stu-dent Lounge erupted last week and at-tacked junior Jack Bawabeh of class 3-T.

“Every day that kid hits me and shoves me against the wall,” explained the middle snack machine. “Yesterday he shoved his entire arm in me and tried to rip out my insides. I figured it was time to let him know what it feels like.”

Several students who should have been in class at the time told security

guards that they saw the machine vio-lently shake Bawabeh for several seconds until Bawabeh eventually coughed up a Kit-Kat.

Mr. Hofstetter, who for some reason teaches most of his classes in the Music Room despite being an English teacher, heard the commotion and intervened, yelling at the machine to unhand the student.

Witnesses say that Mr. Hofstetter simply yelled, “I’m trying to teach a class in here! Keep it down!”

The machine remained enraged for several minutes, calming down only when Leiby arrived and gave it a sooth-ing pep talk. Unfortunately that was soon interrupted when Jimmy approached and he and Leiby started arguing for rea-sons still undetermined.

Even a few days after the attack, Bawabeh was clearly shaken (sorry, we couldn't resist). “There was a sign on the machines a few months ago that said two Americans are killed by vending ma-chines every year. I almost became one of them,” he said.

way down the supply chain. Not only has this shortage of sweaters caused businesses selling wool products to lose a staggering amount of income, but also manufacturers are suffering. Factories have been shuttered internationally, some temporarily and some for good.

“My livelihood is ruined,” said Ban-gladeshi factory owner Hasan Dweck. “How will I feed my family? Without wool, I cannot manufacture clothing. Now I can’t afford to buy clothing for my children. Oh, the situational irony!”

Ultimately, the shortage goes all the way back to the sheep themselves, as shepherds around the world are unable to keep up with the increased demand of an Engel shopping spree. Several countries that lead in wool production have extended their shepherds’ working hours by 50% to support the growing de-mand.

“All I see is wool all day and night.” says New Zealand shepherd John Tweed.

“All I want is to go home and see my family after a long day of work.”

Shepherds in countries that econo-mize their wool, such as New Zealand and Great Britain, are threatening to strike. But even with increased hours, shepherds are unable to keep up with or-ders for their wool.

“My sheep are exhausted,” Tweed said. “They can’t grow the stuff fast enough.”

“Aye,” agreed Scottish shepherd Jack “Scotty” McTawil. “I’m giving her all I’ve got, but the sheep, she can’t take no more.”

Meanwhile, despite the new addi-tions to his wardrobe, Mr. Engel remains despondent, though his depression is now due to his guilt over destroying an entire sector of the world’s economy.

“Sigh,” Mr. Engel said sadly. “I apolo-gize for the madness, mayhem, and cha-os.” And then he coughed up a hairball.

Wool Shortage... continued from front page

Seniors Ditch Senior Ditch DayBy Gabe VizganSenior Editor

If you missed this year’s Senior Ditch Day, the day when upperclassmen unanimously decide to miss school for a day of grade-wide fun, you’re not alone. For the first time ever, seniors decided not to attend the refusal to at-tend school. This seemingly paradoxical state-ment is really quite logical. Instead of ditching school, seniors attended all classes, took notes, participated in class discussions, turned in as-signments when required, and went home.

Some teachers speculated that the se-niors’ decision to ditch Ditch Day was made

out of laziness, as this year’s seniors can’t even be bothered to not even be bothered to go to class. However, the truth turned out to be quite the opposite.

Over the years, Senior Ditch Day has gained a negative reputation as a day of ne'er-do-wells acting recklessly and doing inappro-priate things. This year’s senior grade simply respects the faculty too much to let them prepare lessons and materials for a class that doesn’t show up. Thus the seniors decided to ditch Ditch Day as a testament to the school’s character, and to showcase their dedication to their studies.

“We’re practically adults. We’re too mature for this nonsense,” said one senior who re-quested anonymity to avoid taking credit for the wonderful middot of his peers.

“I don’t want to be associated with delin-quency,” senior David Bendayan  said when asked why he was partaking in the refusal to partake in this event. “My parents pay a lot for tuition; why would I waste even one day of my education?”

Mr. Rothbort Leaves to Pursue Comedy Career

"I'll be here all week."

"I will no longer be a victim," the vending machine declared.

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By Mary JajatiSophomore Editor

With so many Flatbush teachers ei-ther pregnant or having given birth re-cently, the administration has decided to transform the school’s Board Room into a nursery.

For the 2016–’17 school year our lucky teachers will have somewhere sort-of safe to put their children while they work, and they’re ecstatic about it. They praise the proximity, which will allow them to visit the nursery during their free periods.

Assistant Administrator David Galp-ert explained that the transformation will cost the school nothing, as babysit-ters are built in. “There are always stu-dents in the office. Instead of dealing with their complaints I can just ask them to wait in the nursery for a min-ute. They’ll get distracted by all the cute babies, and voila—free childcare. Better yet, they’ll forget all about whatever rea-son they came to talk to me!”

Staff children of any age will be welcome in the nursery. However, the school is expecting mostly babies, due to the fact that 14 of them have already been born to members of the faculty this year and another 27 are expected within the next two months. And that’s not even counting Mrs. Hanon’s grandchildren!

During national or Jewish holiday,s a bigger bunch is sure to show up. Preg-

nant English teacher Ms. Marcus said, “I’m so glad I’ll have somewhere to put Eddie (and whomever comes next) on days like New Years or Chanukah when daycare is closed. Normally, I would have to either pay for a babysitter or take the day off.”

Rabbi Beyda expressed excitement about the change. The principal-to-be said he’s “delighted that during my first year as principal, Flatbush will be taking this big step to support our faculty.” He added that he will be happy to help if any of the babies need to clear cuts.

Students are unanimously in favor of the situation. For example, sophomore Moshe Finkel said, “The nursery will definitely comfort the teachers. More comfort means better moods. Better moods mean more generous grades. Ev-erybody wins.”

Jeff Fried also likes the plan but for a different reason. “The teachers will be distracted by the fact that their kids are just a few flights of stairs away. They’ll go to check on their babies, they’ll get caught up, and suddenly I’ll have double lunch!”

The only person who expressed dis-approval was Mr. Engel, who waited for years to get his own official classroom, only to lose it a year later to a bunch of babies. When asked for his opinion, he let out a deep, sad sigh, before adding, “This is depressing. Maybe I’ll go buy a new sweater to cheer myself up.”

Seminar to Be Held On Cruise Shipby Mimi LazerowitzJunior Editor

Continued repairs at the Somer-set Hotel and constant weddings at the Berkeley Oceanfront Hotel have left Dean of Students Rabbi Besser with no suitable land-based venue to hold Sem-inar. Never discouraged, Rabbi Besser says the show will go on. Starting next year, Seminar will be held instead on a cruise ship, the S.S. Tipton.

In preparation for this new venture, students next year will be able to take several new tzei ulemads, including knot tying, semaphore, Morse code, and the especially popular “Salty Sailor Talk.”

The manager of the S.S. Tipton, Mar-ion Moseby, said he was hesitant at first, reluctant to allow a large group of stu-dents on his ship. In his initial e-mail to Rabbi Besser he wrote, “I don’t need any more hooligans running around my lob-

by.” However, Moseby’s outlook changed when he realized that the size and fre-quency of the Flatbush contingent would fill all available rooms and thus impress his boss, Mr. Tipton.

The Tipton family seems excited as well. London Tipton, heiress and per-manent resident of the ship, simply ex-claimed, “Yay me!”

Rabbi Besser assured worried stu-dents that the S.S. Tipton has an exten-sive variety of facilities that will be avail-able to the Yeshivah of Flatbush to use for Seminar. For example, the Shabbat meals as well as the tisch will be held in the ship’s atrium, sessions will take place on the Fiesta Deck, and other activities will be available on the huge Sky Deck. Although swimming, using the hot tub, and other water activities will be off lim-its due to issues of tzniut, there are many other fun activities such as fishing, play-ing shuffleboard or miniature golf, and rock climbing. Students can even com-plete a few of their chesed hours by play-ing bingo with the senior citizens on the Neptune Balcony.

The S.S. Tipton staff is looking for-ward to having Flatbush on deck!

By Jane ZakayJunior Editor

One of Flatbush’s most beloved History teachers, Mr. Lazar, is saying farewell this year. You may know him as your Global History teacher, or as your Latin instruc-tor, or even as the previous owner of the world-famous Lazar Diamond. Some know him to be the best person to go to if you ever need a motivational speech to help get you through the year. The facul-ty knows him as a best friend, a great co-worker and a really respected individual. This school will really be lost without him.

Mr. Lazar is moving to Rome because

he has been selected for a highly secre-tive position in government. As a bonus, he gets to practice his Latin and increase the amount of steps he takes on his Fitbit while walking up and down the famed Spanish Steps. He was able to receive this position because Flatbush’s very own Señora Birman happens to be a childhood friend of Pope Francis and she recom-mended her great friend, Mr. Lazar, for the job. When the Birmans went back to Argentina over Winter Break, they met up with Pope Francis and he asked her if she knows anyone that knew Latin and teach-es history from New York who lives in the

Five Towns and has four children. She, of course, thought of Mr. Lazar.

“It is hard for me to leave behind my students, since they are like another fam-ily to me,” said Mr. Lazar. “I just feel like, as a historian, this is an opportunity of a lifetime to live in a country with the rich-est history.” We all know that Mr. Lazar re-cently left us for the weekend of February 21st. He went to go visit his future home country. He said that Rome’s Jewish com-munity welcomed his family with open arms. “It’s a little different there because they don’t go by Sephardic or Ashkenazi traditions but rather Roman costumes that started even before those, but my family and I will still be keeping our traditions.”

Students expressed deep disappoint-ment in his departure, and many said they will miss his enjoyable and complete-ly reasonable homework assignments. “Honestly, without Mr. Lazar’s homework I’m going to have nothing to do all week-end. Who wants all that free time?” said sophomore Dubby Sasson.

Teachers were dismayed as well. “I can’t believe he won’t be around anymore,”

Ms. Wielgus lamented. “I don’t really care about him personally, but he makes the coffee in the teachers’ room. I need my coffee.”

“I’m going to miss him,” said Rabbi Skolnick, and then added, “Wait a sec-ond—does that mean I get his classroom? I get his classroom now, right?”

The move will also be hard on Mr. Lazar’s children. His oldest, Yaakov, who could once recite the names of all the U.S. Presidents in order, will now have to learn all the Popes. This move will be hardest on the newest Lazar, Teddy, who is named after Theodore Roosevelt. Mr. Lazar said the family is considering changing Teddy’s name to Silvio after Italy’s greatest-ever Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi. Daugh-ter Yoella, however, will be joining the Italian Olympic team for gymnastics. She tried out and they said she was the best they’d ever seen.

Mr. Hofstetter had perhaps the most poignant words about Mr. Lazar’s upcom-ing move: “Lazar? That doesn’t sound fa-miliar. I don’t think I know him.”

Mr. Lazar Moving To Rome

Board Room Becoming Nursery

"Vale, acetabulis!"

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Entertainment & FunBook Review: The Scarlet Letter SparkNotesBy Esther LevyJunior Editor

All readers yearn for the same feeling: to be able to start reading and not want to stop until the message of the book is swarming through their bodies, flowing through their veins, and taking up every thought of their brains, making it impos-sible to breathe. It’s a feeling that only a few authors can provide; the author of The Scarlet Letter chapter summaries on the SparkNotes website is one of them.

When you first open up to the website we all know, love, and frequent so often that it’s not merely bookmarked but per-manently opened on our screens, it can be a little overwhelming. The task of having to read not only 24 chapter summaries, but also the Plot Overview, Character List, Important Quotations, Themes, and, of course, the Quiz can be daunting. But once you click on any of the blue-worded links and start reading, all that dread instantly disappears as you find yourself glued to the screen, rapidly scrolling and scrolling through key quotes and in-depth analy-ses, which are filled with vibrant diction, dashes, and sentence-length variation that really help set the tone for the story.

This makes The Scarlet Letter easily ev-ery Flatbush student’s favorite SparkNotes novel. It’s hard to even walk through the halls without overhearing lively debates over anything from the symbolism of the town gossips to the true meaning behind Hester’s embroidery skills.

“The gossips are clearly a reflection of one’s inner self-analysis,” scoffs junior Deborah Coopersmith, rolling her eyes.

“Are you insane?” yells fellow junior Estelle Saad from the other side of the hall as she whips out her phone to present proof from the Symbolism section of Spar-

kNotes. Such discourse is usually followed by hordes of freshmen and sophomores rushing past with their hands over their ears, fearful of catching a spoiler before they have a chance to read the SparkNotes themselves.

The condensed analysis of the book has taken such favor with students that Ms. Bloom, Chair of the English Department, has recently announced that from now on every Tuesday will officially be known as “The Scarlet Letter Analysis Day” (TSLAD) and delegated as a day set aside for stu-dents and teachers to discuss—and quote from—the SparkNotes Analysis. Bloom explained that the idea came to her one day when Joe BenHaim, a junior in her AP Language class, ran into the room in tears, incoherently mumbling about the “elevat-ed diction” employed by SparkNotes and his desperate need to discuss the beauty of the chapter summaries.

Ms. Bloom explained that TSLAD is not only for her classes, but also for the whole school to partake in weekly discus-sions. Freshman and sophomore classes are focusing on Background and Histori-cal Context in preparation for junior year, when they will read the brief synopsis of the book. Meanwhile they will have to set-tle for the SparkNotes version of classics like Oedipus and Julius Caesar.

By Merle DweckFun and Games Editor

Dear Snow White,I’ve tried whistling while I work, but my

short story research project is not getting done any faster. Can you spare any helpful birds? It’s due next week. Please advise.

Desperate Sophomore

Desperate,I advise taking a walk in the woods

and stumbling upon a house full of old dwarves who invite you in. Please, trust these strangers immediately. They’ll build you a great casket when you die, and they will surely help you with your research paper. Just watch out for Dopey: he could delete everything on your computer. Oh, and don’t listen to Grumpy. Stay in school; good does come out of it. 

Always,Snow White

Dear Elsa,How do you spend your time in the

summer?Sincerely,Aspiring Princess

Aspiring,I guess that’s for me to know and you to

find out. I think the Frozen 2 release date has come out. Stay tuned. I may just turn spring into fall. 

Always,Elsa

Dear Elsa,One day school is oppressively hot, and

the next day it’s cold in every classroom. Please make up your mind.

Signed,Fire and Ice

Fire and Ice,I’m not sure if you got the memo, but

I’m a woman. I change my mind constant-ly. One day I want to lock myself in my

By Miri ZenilmanManaging Editor

Many YOF students know “Der Er-lkönig,” or “The Erlking,” from the mu-sic class taken sophomore year. Franz Schubert took Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s poem and set music to it in the 19th century, and it lives on as one of the profound love songs ever made. Recent-ly, Justin Beiber released a cover of “The Lied,” which instantaneously topped the Billboard Hot 100.

“The Lied,” as many students know, is about a misunderstood fairy looking for love while an overprotective father si-multaneously tries to shield his daughter from the world. In the end, the Erlking

meets the girl and is finally given the fa-ther’s blessing. It became an instant hit in Germany back in the 1800s, when it was first composed. It quickly spread across the ocean and reached America. Howev-er, its popularity faded in the early 2000s.

But as soon as Bieber released his cov-er, “The Erlking” regained its prestige in the United States. People of all ages have tuned into local radio stations, almost all of which have the new single playing on repeat.

Critics have praised the revival of “The Lied” but censured Beiber’s German, say-ing it sounded “choppy” and “as offbeat as all of his other songs.” But the fans have spoken, and the message is clear: Ameri-ca loves “The Lied”!

room and the next I want to let it all go and live my life. So what? I can’t crave French fries and milk at the same time? What if I wanted to wear a blue dress for half my life and then burst into song and change my whole outfit and hair entirely? Would you object so strongly? If you order pizza and a soda but want water, are you going to deprive your body of the H20 it needs to survive just because you refuse to change your mind? No no. You can’t hold it back anymore. Stand in the light of day and let the storm rage on. Buy the soda AND the water bottle.

Always,Elsa

Dear Pocahontas,Every day I talk to the tree in my back-

yard, but  it never talks back. Just once I would like a little bit of sage advice, deliv-ered lovingly by a large plant. Any tips?

Sincerely,Brown Thumb

Brown,Well, this just got awkward really fast.

And it was going so well. This is Merle speaking with a quick interference an-nouncement. I’m sure this question is filled with witty humor, but, alas, humor I will never understand. OK, I’ll say it: I never saw Pocahontas. I’m a deprived child. Any other questions?

Always,Merle

Music Review: Justin Beiber puts “The Erlking” Back on Top

Ask A Disney Princess

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Standard of Fabulous

By Sylvia AshkenazieSOF Editor

Purim is here. It’s a time to eat big meals, spend time with the family you never see, and just have fun. It’s also the one day of the year when you can dress

up as anyone or anything you want and no one will judge. Instead of buying some bor-

ing costume from the store like you do every year,

make one yourself. It’s time for a Purim cos-tume DIY!

The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Col-lins is still incredibly popular. But everyone

is going to dress up as Katniss, Peeta, Haymich, Effie, and any of those boring other main charac-ters. I mean, we all know that the peasants from District 12 are the best

people in the entire book. So obviously, this DIY is all about the peasants. This costume is going to look fabulous and it only takes a couple of steps.

Step 1: Rub black eye-shadow all over your face to make it look like dirt.

Do the same to your hands and arms once you have put on the full costume. Mascara may be used to give your eye-lashes any extra length that you may want to add.

Step 2: Don’t wash your hair for at least a week before Purim. This will give your hair a dirty yet natural look—you don’t want to be the loser at the party who tried to make his hair look dirty but severely failed. Your hair will have the wild and unkempt look that every good peasant needs.

Step 3: Purchase a shirt, pants, and a pair of shoes from Yeezy. Not only will these clothes give you the correct degree of bagginess and neutral color tones, but also they are available for purchase at incredibly cheap prices. Only one piece of this outfit can cost anywhere between $200 and $750! What an incredible steal!

Step 4: Put all the components togeth-er and you’ve got yourself one fabulous Purim costume. Everyone at the party will be oozing jealousy and it’ll only cost

y o u the equivalent of three years of cell phone service. Isn’t that just the greatest thing

you’ve ever heard?Be sure to catch up

with us again next year for another Purim DIY!

April Showers Bring May SuperpowersBy Sylvia AshkenazieSOF Editor

Even if it was just in kindergarten, ev-eryone has had the dream of becoming a superhero with incredible superpow-ers at one point in their lives. Well, this is your chance to fulfill your dream and cross one more thing off your bucket list. Associate Principal Ms. Bacon told The Fauxnix that she will personally be giv-ing all students capes and other superhe-ro attire, which they will be allowed to wear to school throughout the year.

Every superhero needs to have a name. Each student will receive a cape and some fabric paint. Capes come in maroon, gold, pink, blue, or green. All paint is either silver or white. One peri-od a day for the next week will be ded-icated to painting and designing your very own superhero cape. After you’ve finished your cape it will be left to dry along the railing above the gym and on the bleachers. Once the capes dry they

will be placed in students’ lockers, fold-ed and pressed. The superhero name on your cape will be the name your teachers will use in class, so pick one that you re-ally like.

After finishing the capes, students will be required to purchase silver span-dex skirts/pants. Recent studies have shown that sitting in class in boring ca-sual clothes has decreased the amount of participation that occurs throughout the school day. Wearing something comfort-able yet out of the ordinary will actually increase students’ desire to participate in class. Researchers predict that adding the spandex bottoms to the superhero cape will increase participation in class by 89%.

Assistant Administrator David Galp-ert has put barcodes on the underside of every cape; capes and bottoms must be returned to the office by the time a student graduates or he/she will have to complete an extra 25 chesed hours in order to graduate. Of course, superhero work is a great way to get those hours.

Cape designing will begin the week before Pesach vacation. Bottoms will be available for sale that Monday; all funds go to SBH.

You know what they say: dress for the job you want!

Sam SaysBy Sam

Contributing Writer

Hello there, Flatbush, Sam Says here. You know what? This month Sam DOESN’T Say. OK? Maybe Sam doesn’t even like fashion and is just doing this for the Archon credits. When I wake up every morning, do you think I have time to think “Oooh, this will look good with

this”? NO. No one has time for fashion. Fashion stinks! Who gets to decide what’s fashionable, anyways? Not any of us, no. The heads of the fashion world are just sitting in their castle monitoring all of the fashion. And then they say, “Hmmm, what extremely strange trend that actually

makes no sense should we create next?” Thanks for nothing, fashion people. You know, when I went on a date and tried to be all fashionable and cool, I got dumped, so fashion DOES NOT WORK. Thank you all, I will not be seeing you next week because I quit.

By Aida HassonSOF Editor

OK, guys, you are going to freak out about how beautiful this is. The newest trend is plastic bhats. What is a plastic bhat, you may ask? Well, it’s a plastic bag hat, but the people in charge of fashion think that putting two words together is more fun. Which, it obviously is. So bag and hat become bhat (pronounced b’hat). Past trends like this include jeg-gings (jeans and leggings), earrings (rings in your ears), etc.

To achieve this look, all you have to do is get a clear plastic bag and place it over your head! Sure, there are lots of

cases of death by plastic bag suffocation, but sometimes fashion is worth a bit of pain.

The advantages are countless. First of all, it’s clear colored, so it literally match-es anything you wear. Then there is the fact that you don’t have to worry about your hair because the bag will smush it all down anyway. You also don’t have to worry about not being able to see, which is a huge problem in fashion trends these days. (For example, brown paper bhats, garbage bag veils, and Sia’s bangs.) And here’s a huge bonus: there’s no need to worry about rain! No more “What should I wear today? Is it going to rain?” It doesn’t matter when you have a bhat!

If you haven’t seen people wearing plastic bhats on the streets, you need to look up from your phone once in a while. People everywhere have been wearing them for ages, but they really took off a few weeks ago when fashion designer Lady Gaga was inspired by a bhat wearer (a homeless man on the street) and de-cided to create a high-end bhat made of more durable plastic. She pitched the idea to Shark Tank, and it has since been blow-ing up the fashion world.

Fashion police all over the world are stopping people and handing them cheap plastic bhats to wear until they can buy

a nicer version. Buy yours today before you are embarrassed and stopped by the fashion police! (It’s way worse than being stopped by the tzniut police, trust me.)

Prices for bhats range from $675 to about $1,800. Don’t settle for a cheap knock-off! The more expensive the bhat, the better the quality, and the longer it will last. They are available for purchase at local boutiques, as well as in the paper goods aisle of any supermarket. You can also purchase them online directly from Ziploc, which has raised its prices dra-matically since this trend began.

Doc, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, and Yeezy

Trend Alert: Plastic Bhats

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Sports

By Miri ZenilmanManaging Editor

The Yeshivah of Flatbush has an-nounced an addition to the Athletics De-partment: Quidditch.

“Colleges across America have Quid-ditch teams,” Athletics Director Mr. Am-kraut said. “It was only a matter of time before Flatbush set the precedent for high schools.”

Mr. Amkraut said he had been push-ing for the addition to the school for months, but Coach Black also claimed credit for the new Flatbush sport.

“This was all me,” she said. “Bringing gymnastics was the first step. When that was proven to be a clear success, Quid-ditch became the obvious next move.”

The announcemenet of the new team included the news that Dr. Wolowelsky has accepted the coaching position. He has been an avid Harry Potter fan for years, so the choice was easy.

“I’ve studied the sport since the release

of the first novel,” Coach Wolowelsky ex-plained. “It’s my dream to lead a Quid-ditch team. Students trying out should know I expect the best from them.”

Asked what he’ll be looking for at try-outs, Coach Wolowelsky said, “Obvious-ly we’ll need someone fast for the seeker position. Beyond that, I definitely favor well-rounded students. Those who reg-ularly read op-eds will be given special consideration.”

The magical game will be also be played in gym class. Mr. Amkraut said students will be able to enjoy themselves while also learning new skills. Coach Black, however, thinks there is more to be done.

“I think we need to focus more on de-fying gender roles,” she said. “Next year I plan to bring ballet to the boys and curl-ing to the girls. It builds both muscle and character.”

Team tryouts are to be held next week. Students are urged to bring their own brooms.

Season Preview: BullfightingBy Esty FromerMusic Editor

After a disappointing 2015 campaign, Flatbush Boys’ Varsity Bullfighting is off to a strong start for 2016.

Taking the helm this year as the team’s new coach is Flatbush's own Señora Bir-man. With her knowledge of Mexico and her ability to shout “Olé” at impressive decibel levels, Coach Birman is perfectly positioned to lead the Bullfighting Fal-cons to the playoffs.

The coaching position is far from the team’s only personnel change. The only holdover from last year’s roster is senior

Albert Dweck, whose teachers say he has earned his nickname, “Master of Bull.” Everyone else on the team is new this year, but scouts are expecting big con-tributions from junior Alan Frastai and

By Albert DweckSports Editor

With 22 teams in the growing Flat-bush athletic department, there’s no shortage of impressive student athletes to feature in this space. Today we focus on a player who’s gotten a lot of attention on a team that is not often in the spot-light at Flatbush: lacrosse.

James Buchanan is a once in a gener-ation player, someone who is born with the natural skills not only to excel at the game but to be the best, a gift to the world of sports. Though lacrosse is often ignored at Flatbush, Buchanan has been recognized by Division I schools across the nation and has received scholarship offers from Boston University, Duke, Florida State, and Harvard.

Buchanan’s beginnings were sim-ple by Flatbush standards: he grew up in a little log cabin on the outskirts of Brooklyn, taking his potty breaks in an outhouse. He received his first la-crosse stick—a homemade version with

a broomstick and hairnet—at the age of two, and practiced by knocking birds out of trees from 10, 50 then 200 yards away. He played for his first organized team at age five and was soon recognized to be a prodigy, as he learned the nuances of the game under the tutelage of Lacrosse Hall-of-Famer and Flatbush graduate Frank Pierce.

In lacrosse there is no bigger name than Pierce, the former New York Lets superstar. And Pierce can’t stop gushing about Buchanan’s talent. “I thought I was good, but then I saw the kid. He's tru-ly amazing; it's a shame he's not recog-nized.” And recognized he should be, as Buchanan has now scored more than 250 goals in his Flatbush career, demolishing all previous school records.

Despite his humble beginnings, Bu-chanan is well on his way to a spectac-ular finish, with the potential to be the greatest lacrosse champion of all time. So go out and support the man who could first bring lacrosse glory to the halls of our school.

YOF Quidditch Team Will Start Play Next Year

sophomore sensation Elie Feldman.“Señora not only helps us get fit with

her Zumba class and extensive knowl-edge of the Spanish language, she also helps us prepare for the oncoming force of the animal,” said junior Jacques Mos-

seri, another new member of the team.With Dweck already getting a schol-

arship offer from Universidad de Madrid and the team featured in prime time on MSG Varsity, the new season looks promising. We’ll see you in the playoffs!

Dweck shows perfect form in a March 7 match

Sportsman Spotlight: James Buchanan

Early tryouts for the new team looked promising, said Coach Wolowelsky