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A YOUNG LADY PINCHES MY TUMMY. It is not unpleasant. “Yes,” she nods. “Three kilos over.” This is unpleasant.

The young lady is Susie Burrell, Alpha’s sports nutritionist, and I am a person with no abdominal muscles. I also thought I was in pretty good shape. But no.

“You’re OK for an average person,” says Susie, which actually sounds worse the more you say it out loud.

Here is a tip for those who want to get a six-pack: don’t bother. It’s hard. If you’re easily put off, have a casual weakness for pies, or can’t live without the “odd beer” in the evening, give up now. If your only function in the gym is to shine up the biceps and pecs, stop reading.

Despite the attractions of “Get a six-pack for summer!”, the road to proper, rippling abs is long, demoralising, boring and drab. You eat bran and do painful, awkward exercises, and even when you’ve done all that, you still may not have a six-pack. What? You’re still reading? OK, then, maybe you do really want it.

Susie tells me some people don’t rip or ripple like others. It’s something to do with genetics and skin thickness. I could eat nothing but cardboard and do sit-ups for all eternity, but there’s a chance I will never see each individual muscle in my stomach. I realise there are bigger problems in the world, and it’s not like the editor has said, “Get a six-pack or you’re out”, but, hell, if you work for it, you want to see it.

In our February issue, we straw-polled all the women in the offi ce for what they wanted in a man. Among their laughably high expectations was abs, as if a bloke could just buy them down the corner shop. I have

thus decided to see just how hard it is for the average 35-year-old male with a job and limited time in the gym to get some. I will probably fail. But I will try.

Elsewhere on these pages is the advice given to me by Susie (see p120) and by Craig,

our handy personal trainer. Bear in mind that the diet and exercise detailed is purely to get fat off you fast, and not meant to be particularly rounded, long-term or fun. I’m having a day off it a week so I don’t go mad. I’ll report back in a month. Maybe two.

formlocker

THE MIDDLE MAN

Are you man enough to get a six-pack? Alpha’s managing editor Ivan Smith takes up the gut-to-cut challenge

The road to rippling abs is long and

demoralising. If you have a weakness for

pies, give up now.

“I’D LIKE A SIX-PACK AT LEAST ONCE IN MY LIFE.” That was how Ivan roped me into this seemingly impossible task. One of the biggest misconceptions about six-packs is that we need to acquire one, we don’t; we simply need to uncover it. Could your average desk jockey take the pain? Realising that time and resources were not limitless, I opted for the straightforward, no-frills combo of weights and cardio work. Keep in mind that getting that rippling stomach is not so much about building and chiselling the abs, as it is about ridding the body of excess fat to expose what’s already there. This program is designed to do just that, as well as tone that well-hidden upper muscle.

The Work-OutThe Work-OutCraig Harper’s training plan aims to strip the fat and reveal the six-pack beneath

DUMBBELL SHOULDER PRESS (DELTS AND UPPER TRAPS)

Sit on a bench with your back straight. Take two dumbbells in an overhand grip and lift them to your shoulders, palms facing forward. Inhale and press your arms up until they are fully extended and vertical. Return the weights to the starting position.

BRIDGE (PRONE HOLD)

Place a barbell across your shoulders with the

weight sitting on your trapezius muscles to protect your spine.

Inhale, arch your back slightly, look straight ahead and

lift the bar off the squat rack. With your feet shoulder-width apart and your toes slightly angled outwards,

slowly bend your knees and squat down, with your back bent slightly

forward and your arse sticking out a little. Pause when your thighs are parallel to the fl oor, slowly straighten back up to upright. Exhale as you return to the starting position.

Hold your body in a prone position – with only your toes, elbow and forearms making contact with the fl oor. Keep your body as straight (back fl at) and taut as possible. Draw your belly button in towards your spine and hold it.

WEIGHTS (TWO DAYS PER WEEK)

Increase the weight as you decrease the reps. The fi rst set is a warm-up; sets two and three are working sets. The weights program should take about 60 minutes per session.■ Barbell Bench Press . . . . . . . 20, 15, 12■ Lat Pulldowns . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20, 15, 12■ Dips . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15, 12, 10■ Dumbbell Shoulder Press . . . 15, 12, 10■ Deadlift . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15, 12, 10■ Squat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15, 12, 10■ Dumbbell Curls . . . . . . . . . . . . 15, 12, 10■ Ab Curl . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 x 15■ Bridge . . . . . . . . . . . 3 x 60-120 seconds■ Leg Raises . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 x 10

SQUATS (LEGS, LOWER BACK AND ARSE)

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