THE LITTLE DOG LAUGHED

THE LITTLE DOG LAUGHED

By Douglas Carter Beane

Book: Nicola Scott Lyrics: Kellan Meador Score: Ben Ginsberg

CAST: DIANE MITCH ALEX

ELLEN

TIME: Early 2000s

PLACE: Mitch’s Manhattan Penthouse

Musical Numbers

Act One integrated

script score 1. Happy Ending……...………………………………………..ALL 1 7

ELLEN(Soprano)

DIANE(Alto)

ALEX(Tenor)

MITCH(Baritone)

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ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

DIANE, ELLEN, MITCH, and ALEX all

sit around a coffee table in

Mitch’s Manhattan Penthouse.

DIANE

Mitch, you don’t want people to know you’re a homosexual. If you

were heterosexual, by this point, you’d have a lovely bride and

a child on the way and at least one franchise to your name.

MITCH

That’s true, if I were but I’m not.

DIANE

Ellen, you want to have a lovely home and millions of dollars.

ELLEN

And what’s wrong with that? Doesn’t everyone?

DIANE

Alex, you want to be with Mitch, keep Ellen as a friend and have

a child one day. If Mitch and Ellen were to get married, you

could all get what you want.

(DIANE places an unmarked envelope on the

coffee table. CUE: HAPPY ENDING)

1

I-1-1

2

I-1-2

DIANE

I’VE MADE A LIVING OFF SELLING HAPPINESS

NOT ON MY AWARD-WINNING FRIENDLINESS

IF YOU ALLOW ME TO SHUFFLE THE DECK

THEN MITCH CAN BE A STAR AND NOT A LONELY SPECK ELLEN

CAN HAVE THE EASE OF THE CELEBRITY DISEASE ALEX YOU’LL

NO LONGER DO YOUR MORAL BENDING

SO WE’LL ALL HAVE OUR HAPPY ENDING

ALEX/MITCH/ELLEN

Is she mad?

DIANE

The world would fall in love with you. Mitch you get your

franchises and still keep Alex. Call him a personal assistant.

Alex, you would have a nice high end job and keep Ellen as your

friend. Ellen, you would have wealth, a lovely home and a baby.

ALL

WE COULD HAVE IT ALL.

DIANE

Sorry, have to take this call. There’s the check. Think about

it.

MITCH

Why can’t I have what I want, what I really need?

ALEX

I know I’m a whore but at least I’m honest.

ELLEN

I’d get a big house, money, fame and a baby. How bad could that

be?

ALEX

There must be another way.

MITCH

I NEED WHAT I WANT BUT CAN I HAVE WHAT I NEED?

3

I-1-3

ELLEN

BIG HOUSE, MONEY AND FAME FOR SUCH A SIMPLE DEED?

ALEX

WHO IS THE REAL ME IF MY LIFE IS A LIE?

MITCH

CAN THE REAL MITCH PLEASE STAND UP. DON’T BE SO SHY.

ALEX

HUG ME AND KISS ME AND TAKE ME AWAY MITCH.

ELLEN

CALL ME PARTY GIRL ONE MORE TIME BITCH.

MITCH

I WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE WITH BRYAN WITH A Y.

ALEX

I CAN’T LIVE WITH ALL THIS MORAL AMENDING.

MITCH/ALEX/ELLEN

SO WE’LL ALL HAVE OUR HAPPY ENDING

DIANE

Did you take the check on the way out?

ALEX

(produces check)

Here, you can have it back-

DIANE

Open it.

ALEX

How did you know how to spell my last name?

DIANE

I figured you’d been too grand for all of this.

4

I-1-4

(her phone rings, and answers)

Hello. Yes. You know what I want. A happy ending, with the man

and the woman together. I don’t want it raining. That’s been

overdone. Just smiling and hugging.

ALEX

(seated in a plane)

I’m headed. I forget where.

I THOUGHT MY PAST WAS A PLACE I COULD FLEE

BUT I FIND IT’S EMBEDDED IN ME

DAZED AND LOST IN A HOLDING PATTERN

CIRCLING A BIG FAKE SATURN

I FINALLY SEE IT’S JUST A BLACK HOLE

WITH THE GRAVITY TO CRUSH MY SOUL

IF MITCH’S LOVE AND AMBITION START BLENDING

I WON’T EVER HAVE MY HAPPY ENDING

MITCH

Now I’ve left New York and you got your fairy tale story.

DIANE

The type where people smile and wind up together. And a

wonderful lady.

ELLEN

Stop it honey. You’ll make me blush.

ALEX

My life is just beginning. I can have what I had before, only

better.

MITCH

My life is just beginning.

ELLEN/MITCH

We’re so happy

5

I-1-5

DIANE

A MOVIE WHERE PEOPLE SMILE AND WIND UP TOGETHER.

ALEX

I JUST PICKED THE FIRST PLACE WITH NICE WEATHER.

MITCH

THREE BLESSINGS CAME TO ME. A WIFE, A PLAY ...

ELLEN

YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD NOT SAY ... FINE

MITCH/ELLEN

We’re expecting!!

ALEX

MY LIFE IS RESURRECTING.

DIANE

I WANT LOVE TO BE THE MESSAGE WE ARE SENDING.

ALL

SO WE’LL ALL HAVE OUR HAPPY ENDING.

DIANE

And we fade to black, the credits roll. They all live happily

ever after. The end.

THE END

6

I-1-6

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Cue: DIANE:IfMitchandEllenweretogetmarried,youcouldallgetwhatyouwant.

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∑ ∑DIANE:

musicbyBenGinsberglyricsbyKellanMeador

bookbyNicolaScott

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DIANE: Did you take the check on the way out?ALEX: Here, you can have it back-DIANE: Open it.

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ALEX: How did you know how to spell my last name?DIANE: I figured you’d been too grand for all of this. (phone rings)

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DIANE: Hello. Yes. You know what I want.A happy ending, with the man and the womantogether. I don’t want it raining. That’s beenoverdone. Just smiling and hugging.

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