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The Leadership Relationships of Married

Couples Within The Home & Church

Part 1: A Balanced & Correct

Approach for Married

Women Towards Their

Husbands as Co-Pastors or

Ministers

Much thanks for the input from Pastor

Gerardo Arley and his Prophetess wife Elda

Alvarado, House of Prayer in Rio Jimenez,

Costa Rica, for their contributions. Those

people teaching this article are encouraged to

expand on any contents or revelations from

the Lord to fit into their own subjective

circumstances.

H G A M Heavens Gates Apostolic Ministries Costa Rica

Apostle-Teacher George A. Gates Jr.

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Table of Contents

Topic Page Numbers

Introduction………………………………………………………………..……….……….3-5

Married Couples Relationships in the Church…………………………………….…….6-8

Incorrect and Ungodly Past Experiences Brought into the Marriage………...……….8-12

Married Couples in Authority in the Church……………………..……………….……..12-17

Life and Death Are in the Power of the Tongue………………………………..………18-22

Matriarchal Societies………………………………………………………………………23-27

Solutions………………………………………………………………..………..…………27-30

Conclusion…………………………………………………………………………………..31

Scripture Index by Gender……………………………………………………..………….32

Scripture Index For the Wife……………………………………………………..………..32

Scripture Index For the Husband……………………………………………..….……….32

Scripture Index For Both Spouses……………………………….……………………….33

Scripture Index References Validating Women in Ministry…………………………….34

Appendix 1: A Prophesy Regarding a Real-life situation ……….…………….………30-31

Appendix 2: A Picture of a “Flesh Driven Wife”…………………...……………………37-38

Case Studies………………………………………………………….……………………39-42

End notes & References……………………………………………………….………….43-44

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Introduction

This article “Part 1” article discusses some very important concepts of the role of

married women who lead a church or ministry with their husbands. “Part 2” targets the

husbands. However, in both articles we mention both genders because of the

inseparable connection between the husband and wife. I do not cover every possible

scenario of issues with a Christian marriage in relation to inside and outside the church.

For every scenario during counseling or teaching sessions the Holy Spirit can lead us to

all truth to provide solutions for marriage problems. Proverbs 16:1 states, “The

preparations of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.”

The main focus of our teaching is towards a strong-willed and out-of-balance wife within

the confines of church and the home. Writing about married women first is because of

several pressing situations have arisen recently in our ministry in Costa Rica. Another

purpose of this teaching is to identify specific evil fruits within the marriage and how to

eliminate them. We will identify as each problem as a stronghold. Each stronghold

needs to be identified, eliminated, and defended against if it attempts to resurface. All

of the married women we are attempting to assist have little knowledge of the concepts

I am writing about in this article. Hence, we must educate many wives on what their role

should be within guidelines of scripture. However, some husbands are also guilty of

their own behavior or lack of it, in creating an atmosphere for the wife to rebel against

her husband and the Lord. Both the husband and wife have important roles in the

Church. However, each spouse needs to know what their behavior and role should and

should not be.

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As far as ministry or leadership is concerned both male and female can be called

to the 5-fold ministry. This includes Christian married couples in the 5-fold ministry

together. Women, including a single woman, can start their own ministry if she is led by

the Holy Spirit to do so. However, in this article, I do not discuss single women starting

their own ministry. One focus point is going to be on married women who have a

tendency who dominate their husbands, both in and outside the church. When I use the

word dominate, I am referring to a wife whose motivation is based on her flesh or old

man and not the Holy Spirit as is written in Romans 6:6. i The flesh or old man, is that

part of our persona that still causes us to sin. ii Once we understand several

controversial passages about women in ministry, we can understand that women can

be called to the 5-fold ministry according to the will of Jesus Christ. However, ministry

does not mean fleshly domination or lording over of either spouse over the other. If we

want to be great we must learn to humble ourselves, prefer one another, and serve one

another. There are several passages of scriptures used to deny that women can be

called as an apostle, prophet, evangelist, pastor, and teacher. The most prominent

passages, 3 of them, used to deny women in ministry are 1 Corinthians 14:34-35,

Ephesians 4:7 and 1 Timothy 2:12. However, we must examine the Greek language

that the New Testament was written in and also consider the cultural issues involved in

these passages. Because I start with the wife in this teaching does not mean I am

against women. The Apostle Pau wrote, “There is neither male nor female in Christ

Jesus, (Galatians 3:28.) Many of us have heard a teaching in the church, “Women can’t

be leaders, pastors or speakers in churches because 1 Timothy 1:12, states, ‘I do not

permit a woman to teach or exercise authority over man but be in subjection.’ ”

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A better rendering of this passage would be, “I do not permit a married woman to

teach (the reversal of divine order of Adam and Eva [verse 13]) nor dominate her

husband (in the flesh) but be in subjection.” Read page 15. Another popular passage

falsely used to prevent women from speaking in churches is 1 Corinthians 14:34-35

stating,

“34 Let your women keep silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to

speak; but they are to be submissive, as the law also says. 35 And if they want to

learn something, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is shameful for

women to speak in church.”

Both passages in 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 and 1 Timothy 2:12, deal with married women

and not women in general. The passage in 1 Timothy 2:12 takes some time to explain

that the woman spoken of in this passage written by the Apostle Paul was a married

woman. In Ephesians 4:7-8 we read, “7 But to each one of us grace was given according

to the measure of Christ’s gift. 8 Therefore he says, “When he ascended on high, he led

captivity captive, and gave gifts to men.” Since the New Testament was written in

Greek, the Greek word for “men” is “anthropos,” meaning humanity in general and not

just the male gender who can be called to the 5-fold ministry. I elaborate the details

about these 3 passages in my book Women Are Called to Minister and Preach.

However, in an upcoming seminar I will be explaining some of the details and answering

questions.

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In any situation we deal with that includes marriage we must approach the

situation in an attitude of “restoration, mercy and forgiveness.” Each spouse must be

willing to forgive the other and never bring up the past once forgiveness is exercised.

Married Couples Relationships in the Church

In this Part 1 teaching we have actual cases where married women have assumed a

domineering and unbiblical role of leadership in the home and in church. In essence, the

married woman has tried to dominate the marriage by acting in opposition to the Spirit of

God. Much of this problem is that women in general are not taught what their role is in

the Church in the home. The problem becomes even more severe when we discuss

Matriarchal Societies. Matriarchal Societies are where heavy-handed women dominate

almost everything in society from politics, business, home, and the church. Some

Christians have labeled these type of women as having a Jezebel spirit. This domination

activity whether caused by the flesh or evil spirits is very deceptive. Often times this evil

activity buries itself in scriptures to the point I heard a married woman say once to her

husband, “I was called by God to correct and rebuke you.” Men as well can have

problems with un-Christ like behavior and dominance of what some call the Luciferian

spirit that tends to treat a woman like a door mat or a slave as an extreme. Husbands

have the more prominent role in the marriage for they are as, “Husbands, love your

wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her, (Ephesians 5:25.)

Just as Jesus did the husband must be willing to lay his life down for his wife. God is not

talking about a one-time giving of your life like Jesus did on the cross.

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The husband gives up his life as a single man and single man activities. In 1

Peter 3:7 we read more about the husband,

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives and treat

them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift

of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

In talking to many people in Costa Rica this Jezebel issue has been a problem in

various parts of the country. This behavior has damaged many marriages and churches.

This female dominance was the same problem at Ephesus where Paul was addressing

Timothy in 1 Timothy 2:12. Timothy was the leader of the church at Ephesus. She was

trying to dominate her husband. This married woman was in the flesh and should not

have been behaving in that domineering manner. So what exactly was she teaching her

husband that Paul tells her not do? Verse 13 explains most of the problem. Most of us

realize that Adam was created first and Eve second. However, within the culture of

Ephesus and many other cities in the region of modern-day eastern Turkey, was a false

myth about Adam and Eve. The myth taught the reversal of divine order that the

“woman was created first and Adam second.” The myth was called Apocalypse of

Adam, written in approximately 50 A.D. The myth reads as follows,

"Adam says ‘Eve taught me a word of knowledge of the eternal God.'

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A false interpretation of Genesis chapters 1-6 in The Hypostasis of the Archons

(200-300 CE,) Adam acknowledges Eve gave him life; ‘The rulers took counsel

with one another and said, “Come, let us cause a deep sleep to fall upon Adam.”

And he slept. Now the deep sleep that they caused to fall upon him, and he slept

is ignorance. They opened his side like a living woman. And they built up his side

with some flesh in place of her, and Adam came to be endowed only with soul.

And the spirit-endowed woman came to him and spoke with him, saying, 'Arise,

Adam.' And when he saw her, he said, ‘It is you who have given me life; you will

be called ‘mother of the living. For it is she who is my mother. It is she who is the

physician, and the woman, and she who has given birth.’ ”

This story sounds far-fetched, but the spirit of this false myth is still active today. In the

Temple of Diana, which was a false religion in Ephesus, this religion was a female

dominated religion. Men were not allowed to have any part at all in the Temple of Diana.

Incorrect and Ungodly Past Experiences Brought into the Marriage

Many Christians grow up in family circumstances that do not follow Biblical patterns

regarding the role of a husband and wife. If you bring the fruit of non-Christian traits into

a God inspired marriage then you have a recipe for major trouble. I have seen several

marriages that were severely damaged when either one or both spouse brought past

ungodly marriage patterns into their own marriage. The list of problems from the past

brought into a current marriage would be a long list.

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Some of the more prominent problems includes, people having poor financial

habits, and drug and alcohol abuse even as a supposed Christian. Some individuals

bring unbiblical sexual perspectives. To assess part of the sexual responsibilities please

read 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, but focus on verse four.

“2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife,

and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife

the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does

not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the

husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not

deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves

to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you

because of your lack of self-control.”

I counseled a couple once where the wife would say something like, “The way I am now

is the example I was taught growing up. So I think it is OK to yell at my husband and

kids.” Or the husband would say, “My dad ruled the home with an iron fist. He always

told my mother what to do and she always obeyed.” Both of these attitudes are wrong

but there are Christians who actually believe these patterns are OK. When a Christian

couple gets married they need to pattern their behavior after many of the positive

attributes I teach in this article.

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However, sometimes buried deep within incorrect or past experiences are the

issues of hidden things of darkness that only God sees. Ephesians 4:11 tells to have

nothing to do with the deeds of darkness. These hidden things could be areas that your

spouse somehow seems to ignite. These dark areas when manifested can lead to

destruction of a marriage. For example, as simple as it seems, do you lose patience in

ways you never have before when your spouse says or does things that really irritate

you about things that are trivial? If yes, that is an area of darkness. I know of a single

man, a friend of mine, who wanted to get married for the 2nd time. He even told the Lord

in his prayer, “Lord, I am ready to get married again.” Then one night he had a dream

which I will write.

“In this dream he is drinking a Diet Coke. As he takes a sip he swallows the

aluminum tab. Afraid the tab could damage his insides he reaches all the way

down in his stomach to retrieve the tab. He pulls the tab up through his throat but

attached to the tab was a mushroom. Then another tab and another mushroom

until the tabs and mushrooms were a chain. The man pulls the chain out and the

dream ends.”

The interpretation of the dream was that this man was wanting the “real thing” in a

relationship. Diet Coke is not the “real thing.” Coke, not diet coke is the real thing. He

could not have the “real thing” yet because he had a root of bitterness and

unforgiveness… a chain of mushrooms in his heart.

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Mushrooms are classified as a parasite and God was showing this man that he

had the evil root in his heart and God would not allow him to get married again unless

he got rid of the bitterness and unforgiveness. The man confessed this unseen area in

his heart the next day. If this bitterness and unforgiveness was left alone, changes are

these negative traits would eventually surface in the current message. As Christians,

God has said to us in 2 Corinthians 5:17, ”Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new

creature; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” The above

scripture is our position in Christ. But why at times do we act like old things have not

passed away? For one, we are unaware of this passage. Two, we still have to walk out

our position by walking in the power of the Holy Spirit. We have to render dead in our

walk with God the old relationship habits that have been passed down to us by our

relatives and society. We have to learn new things of following the details of God’s

pattern. As a note of caution I know of Christian couples who tell me, “Oh I know not to

do those things and I will change.” But they end up failing in their efforts. What ends up

happening in many occasions is that people make external mechanical behavior

modifications on their own strength without making an internal nature change based on

the Holy Spirit working within them. The recipients of this teaching must learn to do the

“will of God from the heart.” In other words some people make external changes based

on their own mechanical efforts, instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to get to the root of

their behavior and make the change to the inner person. As we fix the root the fruit gets

fixed. We need to discern the Holy Spirit within our hearts making changes. We need to

identify those areas pointed out to us from the Lord and ask him to dig them out and get

rid of them… never to return.

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Some men come from such a male dominated environment that by the time they

grow old they end up just the opposite to how they were raised. They become a frail,

weak, and non-confident young man, unable to reach his true manhood as the Holy

Spirit led husband so he can both be the father and husband that Jesus wants him to

be. This deceptive teaching of female dominance also spread its evil tentacles as part

of the women’s liberation movement we see in many Western civilizations. In some

churches this issue of female dominance is not as much a problem because the wife is

not called as a 5-fold ministry gift. She might be functioning in another area of ministry in

the church. We see the spirit of this myth called the Hypostasis of the Archons in

various levels in other select cultures. The question to ask ourselves, “has this teaching

ever reached Costa Rica?” I would definitely say “yes.” As I have discussed this with

many Costa Rican leaders, let us ask ourselves, “where are the results of this myth

affecting churches and marriages in specific regions of Costa Rica? Is the influence of

married female dominance in Limon, San Jose, Rio Jimenez, Bribri, Perez Zeledon,

Sarapiqui and other cities in Costa Rica?” Again, the answer is “yes.” This same spirit

has also manifested in my own country of the United States. In Ephesians 5:22-26 we

read where the husband is the head of the wife. The Apostle Paul writes,

“22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is

head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and he is the Savior of the

body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to

their own husbands in everything.

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25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave

himself for her, 26 that he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of

water by the word”

We must also keep in mind the following words written by the Apostle Paul in 1

Corinthians 11:9, “neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.” When

Jesus established these rules and roles in the relationship between a husband and wife,

the roles are not reversed in the Church such as the wife being the head of the Church

and the husband submitting to her. The wife must position herself first in her attitude

with a renewed mind to allow the husband to wash her with the spoken Word of God. In

essence, the husband is a type of a prophet to the wife. The husband on the other hand

must walk close to the Lord, strengthening himself by the power of the Holy Spirit, to

walk in the calling of the priest in the home and towards his wife. If a married couple is

pastoring a church the husband is still the head of his wife. Local cultural issues where

we live do not change divine order in the church. Paul was correcting this situation in

Ephesus of a married woman attempting to usurp authority over her husband. If we

have the same situation in Costa Rica we need to consider that the husband is still the

head (not the dictator) over the church with his wife in subjection to him. In the church,

both men and women, once they understand the truth about men and women in

ministry, should respect the respective married couple that could be joint pastoring a

church or ministry. However, the husband should still be the lead pastor. To repeat

myself, God “will not have the husband be head of his wife in the marriage, and then

reverse those roles in the church.

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The wife is not to be the lead pastor over the church and her husband.” This

issue of married couples leading churches can become more complicated when we

could have a wife with a stronger personality than her husband, thus creating the

perception that she is the leader. The married couple over the church, needs to behave

in such a way in the Lord, that the flock knows the husband is the leader in the home

and the church. For example, I know of a married couple who lead a church, but the

wife, at times, creates a perception because she comes across in a stronger tone than

her husband. However, the husband tends to have more of a calmer mercy side to him

that accompanies his restoration ministry. However, the people in the church

understand that the husband is the leader of the church. Several points need to be kept

in mind when considering the different roles.

1. Both the husband and wife can add tremendous value to the church. The

husband and wife should have mutual love and respect for one another.

It is not the role of the married woman to dominate her husband in the church

and attempt to control him according to her flesh. That does not mean the wife

cannot minister under the leading of the Holy Spirit in the church. We also all

know at times, by the leading of the Holy Spirit, that only women should minister

to women, and men should minister to men. Anyone, male or female, operating

under the leading of the Holy Spirit would ever dominate another person.

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2. If the wife is being led by the Lord to minister the Word of God, then the husband

needs to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit to allow his wife to minister the Word of

God.

3. This can include the written Word or the spoken Word as in the Gifts of the Holy

Spirit. A good example is Priscilla and Aquila explained the gospel to Apollos in

Acts 18:26, “So he (Apollos) began to speak boldly in the synagogue.

When Aquila and Priscilla heard him, they took him aside and explained to him

the way of God more accurately.”

4. We also have the apostolic couple Andronicus and Junia in Romans 16:7 who

ministered together in ancient Pannonia (modern-day Hungary) for many years

leading many people to Christ.

5. In 1 Timothy 2:12 the word “dominate or authority” in the Greek text, is not the

usual word, “exousia,” used for “authority,” that is used 103 times in the New

Testament. Exousia is used to describe the authority and Jesus Christ had.

6. The Greek word for “authority or dominate” in this passage in 1 Timothy 2:12 is

the Greek word, authentein. Authentein only appears once in the New Testament

and is defined in simple terms as, “someone who strongly works up their flesh

motivated by self.” In Greek literature authentein is used as a word to describe

“violent acts.” It the Spanish RVR 1960 translation authentein is rendered as

“dominio” and in the Spanish NIV, authentein is rendered at “autoridad.”

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7. In essence this married woman was behaving in an awfully bad way. I suspect,

that if over a period of time if not dealt with, this women could be open to evil

spirit influence. I elaborate more on authentein word in my book entitled Women

Are Called to Minister and Preach.

8. Both the husband and wife needs to have their spiritual senses in tune to the

Holy Spirit of God to know when each spouse should minister the Word and

when they should stop.

9. As led by the Holy Spirit, the husband has the prerogative to stop the

domineering wife if he feels she is not following the leading of the Spirit in the

church. We can also say that anyone not following the leading of the Holy Spirit

can also be stopped by the Holy Spirit led pastor.

10. Whether a person is a male or female we read in 1 Peter 4:11a, “If anyone

speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone

serves, they should do so with the strength God provides.” Speaking the very

words of God is extremely important. We must learn to speak only those words

that God causes us to speak.

11. One of the problems that has an effect on leadership in the church is a weak

man, husband, or male leader. In many church circles this weak man is

associated with an Ahab spirit. Teaching on the Ahab spirit is in a subsequent

article.

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12. However, the opposite of this behavior is a strong man in the Lord who stands up

to all by the Holy Spirit all things according to divine order. Often times the man

or husband lacks confidence for various reasons to be a strong leader.

13. However, I have also seen cases where the husband has been strong in the

Lord, but the wife can still try to rise up in the flesh. The result of this type of

encounter is more like a war zone until one or both back down.

14. Another problem encountered in some leadership/marriage situations is that of a

Luciferian spirit. This situation deals with the opposite of the Ahab spirit in that

the husband lords over the wife similar to a master lording over a slave.

15. In all of the above cases we need keen discernment on how to handle them

according to the Lord’s ways. Obviously, the old man or flesh exalts itself either

willingly or unwillingly in these cases… some people still like their sins. However,

we need to discernment when evil spirits are involved.

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Life and Death are in the Power of the Tongue

In Proverbs 18:24 we read, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those

who love it will eat its fruits.” The verse is a powerful message. I do not think most of us

understand the power of words… especially when the words are words that God or

Jesus speaks. In Hebrews 1:3 we read where Jesus “upholds all things by the word of

his power.” Psalms 33:9 states, “For he (God) spoke, and it came to be; he

commanded, and it stood firm.” When it comes to how we speak to each other in the

Body of Christ we have to speak as God wants us to speak. When you were first saved

did you ever notice at times you stated to say something negative and something inside

of you tried to restrain you? That was the Lord restraining you… trying to get you to not

speak those words. We desperately need to notice this restraining influence! On the

other hand there will be times God wants us to speak and our inner is like a volcano

about to explode unless we speak up. One of the most destructive forces in a marriage,

if not the worse in some cases, is the lack of controlling our tongue. In James 3:2-12, we

read just how powerful the tongue can be,

2 For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a

perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. 3 Indeed, we put bits in horses’

mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. 4 Look also at ship;

although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a

very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. 5 Even so the tongue is a little

member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles!

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6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our

members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and

it is set on fire by hell. 7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature

of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. 8 But no man can tame the

tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our God and

Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God.

10 Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these

things ought not to be so. 11 Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from

the same opening? 12 Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine

bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.”

We also need to be good listeners as spoken of in James 1:19, “Know this, my beloved

brothers; let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Whenever it

comes to speaking the way God wants us to speak we should obey the next passage. In

1 Peter 4:11 that, “whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God.” If we really

think about this passage a number of key issues need to be addressed which I list

below. However, the main thing we should pay attention to is knowing how God

communicates to us, so we do not break the heart of our spouses with our words. Each

spouse should try to discern God’s voice in how to or not how to treat their spouse.

1) If we are going to be speaking we must learn to hear and follow God’s voice. If we

cannot hear God’s voice than how can we follow him? However, in identifying God’s

voice is also discovering the various ways that God communicates.

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2) For example, we might not hear the Lord speak audibly to us, but we can sense his

presence giving us peace about changing our speech habits. In Colossians 3:15

Paul writes, “Let the peace of God rule your hearts.”

3) Paul also speaks about our choice or words in Ephesians 4:29-32 by stating,

“29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for

necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. 30 And do not

grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of

redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put

away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted,

forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”

If you notice in verse 30 the verse comes right after Paul states, “Let no corrupt word

proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart

grace to the hearers.” These two verses are in sequence for a reason… corrupt words

can grieve the Holy Spirit. The problem with our speech at times is that our senses are

not trained to discern good and evil proceeding out of our mouths. In Hebrews 12:11 we

read, “Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless,

afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained

by it.”

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4) Learn to only speak those words that edify. Even if we are right in what we are

saying, if our voice tone is condescending then we need to adjust how we speak.

5) Learn to follow God’s timing and his leading on when to speak. Proverbs 25:11

states, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver,” (New King

James Version.) In the Hebrew text the word fitly can be rendered different ways.

In the Christian Standard Bible we read this passage a little differently. “A word

spoken at the right time is like gold apples in silver settings.” And in the New

American Standard Bible we read, “Like apples of gold in settings of silver Is a

word spoken in right circumstances.” Proverbs 12:18 gives even more insight of

how not to speak, “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the

tongue of the wise promotes health.”

6) Learn by listening to God if you are the right person who should deliver a Word

from the Lord. For example, suppose we know of a situation that needs

intervention from the Lord. Ask yourself a few questions. Am I the person God is

choosing to deliver the Word? Am I mature enough to handle the situation?

Rather than speak rashly should I perhaps I should pray and ask God to handle

the situation?

7) Just because you are aware of a problem that needs to be solved does not

necessarily mean you are the person to directly handle the situation.

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As you have just read the scriptures speaks of many places of how we should or

should not use our tongue. But in our close relationships is where we can utterly destroy

the relationship when we cannot control our tongue. As with dealing with the main topic

of this article with wives that are out of control, some of these scriptures I am mentioning

below deal with women.

Proverbs 25:24, “It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared

with a contentious woman.”

Proverbs 27:15-16, “15A constant dripping on a rainy day and a contentious woman are

alike, 16 restraining her is like holding back the wind or grasping oil with one’s right

hand.”

One the issues a husband will face is how to respond to his wife who bears fruit relative

to the two passages mentioned above or any other manifestation not of God. Should he

verbally resist her which could lead to worse problems such as yelling and screaming or

even physical contact leading to a fight? I know of some husbands who tried to resist

with his own words which led to a huge fight. The situations got out of control. This is

where the husband should withdraw physically and even leave the premises if need be.

However, if the reverse happens and the husband gets violent the wife needs to leave

the premises and seek protection. With situations like this is when outside help is

needed. At this moment, the couple needs to be willing to submit to godly counsel of

people who know the voice of God.

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Matriarchal Society’s

One of the main motivations of this teaching is an awareness of Matriarchal

Societies within the confines of our ministry. When I write, “in the confines of our

ministry” means that there are several of us ministers working together to try encounter

and reverse the effects of this society. Many of these people we are dealing with see no

error in the way they are approaching their behavior in the church and home. As is

written in Hosea 4:6, “my people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge.” There is

nothing non-Christian about Christian women having roles in politics and civil affairs.

However, a problem arises in the spirit, attitude and motivation in which dominance is

established and maintained and then possibly carried into the church. In the church at

Ephesus Paul was fighting against elements of a matriarchal society. A matriarchal

society is defined as, “a social system in which females hold the primary power

positions in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and control of

property.” Within the Church, which has a Christian male-female leadership model, a

matriarchal system of female dominance is not permitted. In the case of weak men

complicates the situation. The husband should strengthen himself in the Lord and now

allow anyone, not just his wife, to dominate the church according to the flesh as

authentein is defined. A dominate female needs to restrain herself in the Lord as Paul

states in 1 Timothy 2:11-12, “to learn in submission” in verse 11 and verse 12, “Let her

learn in silence.” However, the Greek word for “silence” does not mean to “shut up

completely.” This Greek word implies a quiet attitude.

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The wife needs to behave as according to Titus 2:3-5,

“3 the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not

given to much wine, teachers of good things, 4 that they admonish the young

women to love their husbands, to love their children. 5 To be discreet, chaste,

homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may

not be blasphemed.”

To read about an ideal wife we will turn to Proverbs 31:10-31. The passage speaks for

itself of the numerous attributes of the Godly wife.

10 Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. 11 The heart of

her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain.12 She does him

good and not evil all the days of her life.13 She seeks wool and flax, and willingly

works with her hands.14 She is like the merchant ships, she brings her food from

afar.15 She also rises while it is yet night, and provides food for her household,

and a portion for her maidservants. 16 She considers a field and buys it; from her

profits she plants a vineyard. 17 She girds herself with strength and strengthens

her arms. 18 She perceives that her merchandise is good, and her lamp does not

go out by night. 19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hand holds

the spindle. 20 She extends her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her hands

to the needy.

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21 She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household is clothed

with scarlet. 22 She makes tapestry for herself; her clothing is fine linen and

purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of

the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them and supplies sashes for

the merchants. 25 Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to

come. 26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of

kindness. 27 She watches over the ways of her household and does not eat the

bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also,

and he praises her; 29 ‘Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all.’

30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord,

she shall be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works

praise her in the gates.”

A Holy Spirit lead women means she is not in the position to correct or try to rebuke her

husband. We also read a similar statement in 1 Peter 3:1-6,

“1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not

obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,

2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear (reverence.)

3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward arranging the hair, wearing gold,

or putting on fine apparel 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart. With the

incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.

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Which is very precious in the sight of God. 5 For in this manner, in former times,

the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive

to their own husbands. 6 As Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, (Genesis

18:12) whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any

terror.” iii

Sarah even called Abraham lord after he lied about her in Genesis chapter 12.

However, let us also keep in mind there is nothing wrong with a married woman hearing

from God and giving her husband encouragement he might need to hear. Relative to the

above statement we read the incident between God, Abraham, and Sarah in Genesis

21:8-13. God told Abraham to listen to his wife about the weaning of Isaac and Ismael.

However, some friction arose between Abraham and Sarah. Sarah was speaking the

mind of God and not her own understanding. Next, we will read this passage for

contextual understanding.

“1 And the Lord visited Sarah as He had said, and the Lord did for Sarah as He

had spoken. 2 For Sarah conceived and bore Abraham a son in his old age, at

the set time of which God had spoken to him. 3 And Abraham called the name of

his son who was born to him whom Sarah bore to him Isaac. 4 Then Abraham

circumcised his son Isaac when he was eight days old, as God had commanded

him. 5 Now Abraham was one hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to

him. 6 And Sarah said, ‘God has made me laugh, and all who hear will laugh with

me.’

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7 She also said, ‘Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse

children? For I have borne him a son in his old age.’ 8 So the child (Isaac) grew

and was weaned. And Abraham made a great feast on the same day that Isaac

was weaned. 9 And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, whom she had

borne to Abraham, scoffing. 10 Therefore she said to Abraham, ‘Cast out this

bondwoman and her son; for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my

son, namely with Isaac.’ 11 And the matter was very displeasing in Abraham’s

sight because of his son.12 But God said to Abraham, ‘Do not let it be displeasing

in your sight because of the lad or because of your bondwoman. Whatever Sarah

has said to you, listen to her voice; for in Isaac your seed shall be called. 13 Yet I

will also make a nation of the son of the bondwoman, because he is your seed.’ ”

Solutions

Any way that the couple looks at their marriage they must have an ear to hear the Lord

and allow him to be Lord of their lives. The things of the flesh that have infiltrated the

marriage must come under the control of the Holy Spirit. They must learn to have the

mind of Christ if they are going to overcome. They also need discernment to

discernment the different between their flesh and forces of evil. Put another way… they

cannot blame the devil when their problems originate with the flesh. However, they must

also realize that once they give way to the flesh, then the flesh can give place to the

demonic forces of evil. James 4:7-8 states, “7 Submit yourselves therefore to God.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to

you.”

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As they submit themselves to God then the Lord in turn can do as Paul states in

Romans 12:2, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the

renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and

perfect will of God.” Those issues that previously brought problems into the marriage

can be eliminated as they walk in the Spirit. However, below I have listed some thought

processes I have seen in marriages and more solutions. We also know that these

negative situations exist in these present situations in Costa Rica.

1. If the husband seems weak to the wife, which could be a false perception, she

does not have authority in the Lord to overwhelm her husband and attempt to

remove him from his pastoral position. She also cannot try to take over either as

head of the home or in leadership in the Church or ministry.

2. She should also not start calling people on the phone and spreading matters that

should be handled by qualified people in private. iv

3. This is why discernment is so critical which also means allowing the Lord to

expose and discern your own intentions and motives. If the husband is spiritually

weak then he is setting up a situation similar to Ahab in 1 Kings, chapters 16-22.

People qualified to handle such situations should pray for both the husband and

wife and get the mind of the Lord in the matter. Having both the husband and

wife in a private counseling session by anointed and trained people about the

roles of a husband and wife is a must for a solution.

29

However, the best counseling a person could ever get is from people who know

the voice of God. When we know the voice of God we can also know exactly how to

pray as Paul states in Romans 8:26-27,

“26 Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we

should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with

groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 Now He who searches the hearts knows

what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints

according to the will of God.”

The right people knowing the voice of God, should also be led of the Holy Spirit to flow

in the 9 gifts of the Holy Spirit mentioned in 1 Corinthians 12. I cannot emphasize

enough the need to flow in these 9 gifts. In the case in flowing in the 9 gifts the

miraculous definitely occur.

4. Keen discernment is needed in these cases and if these situations have been

occurring over a period of time, there could be demonic involvement. Any

demonic activity needs to be rebuked, strongholds pulled down and removed

from the situation.

5. If a marriage has been delivered from this situation they need wisdom from the

Lord, or their minds renewed, on how to maintain a proper marriage.

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6. Other 5-fold ministry gifts or elders equipped and called to deal with matriarchal

situations could get involved until the situation is dissolved.

7. This also means both the husband and wife should be educated by the Word of

God on how their behavior should be.

8. There is “safety in a multitude of counselors” and the situation could take more

than one person to assist in deliverance and continuous victory. Proverbs 11:14

states, “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of

counselors there is safety.”

9. And in Proverbs 24:6 we read, “For by wise counsel you will wage your own war,

and in a multitude of counselors there is safety.”

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Conclusion

Married couples need to know what their roles are in the marriage and in the

church according to the Word of God. However, their most important aspect is their

individual walk with God, knowing his voice and obeying him. If couples knew his voice

and obeyed him many marriage problems would vanish. Married women are not to

attempt to usurp authority over their husbands in the home or in the church and ministry.

How to prevent the married woman from dominating the marriage or ministry is where

we need an answer from the Lord. Men are not to behave in a domineering manner

either by controlling his wife according to the flesh. The husband is to love his wife as

Christ loved the church and the wife is to submit herself to the husband in the church

and outside the church. Both the husband and wife need to know the voice of God in

such matters and follow after the Holy Spirit. As spoken of earlier once direct guidance

from the Lord comes forth the couple must obey the Lord. As we seek the Lord for

answers we must be sensitive to his Holy Spirit and allow him to speak to us through the

gifts of the Holy Spirit.

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Scripture Reference Index by Gender

Behavior Scripture References for the Wife

Passages Topics Pages

1. Ephesians 5:22-26 Submit to husband…………………….……....12

2. James 3:2-12 Control your tongue…………….…………..….18

3. 1 Timothy 2:11 Learn to listen…………………………………23

4. Titus 2:3-5 Obedient to husbands etc………………...……..23-24

5. Proverbs 31:10-31 The virtuous wife……………………………….24-25

6. 1 Peter 3:1-6 Submit to husbands……………………………..25

Behavior Scripture References for the Husband

Passages Topics Pages

1. 1 Peter 3:7 Treat wives respectively…………....………….6

2. Ephesians 5:25 Love wife as Jesus would……………….……...6

3. 1 Peter 3:7 Respect… do not dominate…………………….6 & 16

4. Proverbs 25:24 Go to the rooftop in needed……….……………22

5. Proverbs 27:15-16 Avoid the contentious woman……………….….22

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Behavior Scripture References for Both Spouses

Passages Topics Pages

1. Proverbs 16:1 Get the answer from God………………………….3

2. Romans 6:6 Do not act like the old man………………………..4

3. Ephesians 4:7-8 All genders are called to ministry……………………..5

4. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 Spouse owns your body…………………………..9

5. Ephesians 4:11 Expose your own darkness…………………………9-10

6. 2 Corinthians 5:17 Act like a new creation…………………………….11

7. Acts 18:26 Aquilla and Priscilla ministered together………………….15

8. Romans 16:7 Andronicus and Junia……………………………..15

9. 1 Peter 4:11 Speak only by the Holy Spirit………….……..………16,19

10. Proverbs 18:24 The tongue brings life or death………………………..17

11. James 3:2-12 Then tongue can be evil fire…………………………18

12. Colossians 3:15 Peace of God should rule your heart……………………19

13. Ephesians 4:29-32 Speak no corrupt word……………………………20

14. Hebrews 12:11 Allow God’s chastising……………………………20

15. Proverbs 25:11 When and how to speak…………………………..21

16. Proverbs 12:18 Wise tongues promotes health………………………21

17. Hosea 4:6 Destroyed by lack of knowledge……………………..23

18. James 4:7-8 Submit to God…………………………………27

19. Romans 12:1 Renew your mind…………………………………..27

20. Romans 8:26-27 Pray the mind of God…………………………...…29

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Scripture References Validating Women Can Be in Ministry

Passages Topics Pages

1. Galatians 3:28 Nor male nor female…………………….………..4

2. 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 Not for women in general………………….………..4-5

3. Ephesians 4:7-8 Both genders are called to ministry……………….…….5

4. 1 Timothy 2:12 About a married woman only………………...………5,7,15

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Appendix 1: Real-life situation

This appendix deals with a real-life situation between an anonymous husband and wife

who were pastors of a Church. There were some marital issues that the couple had to

deal with. The wife was relying on her own understanding in handling some personal

information between her, the husband, and another family member. I prophesied some

wisdom to the wife, exhorting her to stop relying on her own understanding among other

things. She and her husband and another couple who are involved with counseling this

couple agree the prophesy was from the Lord.

“Sister, I believe the Lord wants you to learn how to get quiet before him and

learn to meditate in his presence, and as you draw near to him and learn his

voice. As you learn his voice and how he wants you to handle things in your life,

your attitude will change about many things. God wants you to stop relying on

your own understanding to figure things out, but to trust him to work out matters

you cannot control. I also believe the Lord wants you to change your speech

patterns and only speak those things that edify others. The scriptures also tell us

in Philippians 2:14 to “Do all things without grumbling or disputing,” for “life and

death are in the power of the tongue.” This also means to not be so fast to speak

your own opinion but to seek the mind of the Lord. This change also includes

God wanting you to focus on assisting your husband more in matters in the

church.

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Last, let not yourself judge others according to 2 Corinthians 5:16, ‘Therefore,

from now on, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we have

known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know him thus no longer.’

There are many things the Lord would love to reveal to you but the above

prophetic word from him is a good place to start in hearing his voice. As we also

go to our church assemblies, let us be serious minded in how we approach the

Lord as it is written in Ecclesiastes 5:1-2, ‘1 Walk prudently when you go to the

house of God; and draw near to hear rather than to give the sacrifice of fools, for

they do not know that they do evil. 2 Do not be rash with your mouth and let not

your heart utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you on

earth; therefore let your words be few.’ ”

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Appendix 2: A Picture of a “Flesh Driven Wife”

“Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism” v

In this article those men who have experienced what is written below will be very

familiar with the information below. vi

1. Many things that happen in her life will be portrayed by her as your fault

2. She will blame you for the poor marital relationship that is the result of her

contentiousness

3. She will believe that she has a right to be contentious toward you because of a

combined view that a. you are not good enough for her and b. she is superior to

you. (This is one reason that trying to stop her from being contentious will not

work – she cannot tolerate any perceived criticism, especially from someone

inferior.)

4. What you do will never be enough

5. She will not change based on your urgings – only God can do it. (So do not try to

persuade her to understand what she is doing to you and to the relationship, but

you can ask God to open her eyes to what she is doing)

6. Since a contentious woman is close to a scoffer/mocker, she will not respect you

but lean towards (publicly) shaming you. This will feel like rottenness in your

bones.

7. Her controlling nature seeks to prevent you from being yourself, but rather seeks

to make you conform to her will.

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8. Because her contentiousness is inside her and not about you (you’re just the

most relevant and convenient target), she will be randomly upset with things in

her life and be grouchy about them

9. If she asks your opinion, she is looking for you to give the answer that she wants

to hear, and she may take the opposite side of any answer you give her

10. There is an underlying sense that she really only cares about herself, not you –

which from a human perspective makes “loving her” feel as though it is not worth

the effort (although God has a different perspective on this).

11. The root cause of all her contentiousness is a strong drive to conform the world

to her (changing, arbitrary) desires, based on an inner drive to get what she

wants, and with an underlying sense of entitlement to get she wants.

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Case Studies and Examples

The cases I am using below do not necessarily apply to all marriage problems. Each

situation is subjective and to identify the root causes of problems and eliminate them

needs specific wisdom from the Lord

1. Putting the groceries away.

Many years ago I was preaching in a church in Ohio. There was a married couple I

knew well that had four children. One Sunday near the end of the service the Lord

revealed to me the wife was very troubled about something. Without letting out to the

church that I knew something about her I said to the church, “Someone here is very

troubled about something and if you will meet with me after church we can discuss and

pray about your situation.” The wife explained to me that she was very upset with her

husband whenever she returned from the grocery store with a car full of household

items. When she would get home he would never unload the car for her. She had to

carry all the bags of heavy canned goods and other items by herself and then put them

away. Her response was to get anger and yell at him. In return he would withdraw even

more. So I told her not to say a single word and drop the matter and he would change.

Approximately two weeks later she calls me on the phone and says to me something

like, “What is it with you men?

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I did what you told me to do and he completely changed!” So asked her about the

details. So one day she comes home from the store and he was waiting for her in the

driveway to unload the car. He completely unloads the car and even puts them away.

Needless to say she was very happy and they both cheered up in their attitude towards

one another. But the story does not end there. They had a swimming pool outside the

house. At night after the children went to bed the wife would sometimes swim but

always by herself and not with her husband. So one night she was swimming alone

when she heard to gate in the fence around the pool open. When she turned to look she

saw her husband walking to the pool. So she says to me, “He gets in the pool with me

and George you can figure out on your own what happened… but my husband and I

had the pool water very hot.” So just by keeping her mouth shut and allowing God to do

an invisible work on her husband his attitude completely changed.

2. The night playing pool.

One night a friend of mine and I were at another brother in the Lord’s house

shooting pool. About the time to head home, his wife comes home from work.

She was a nurse and sometimes worked long hours on her feet.

When we all congregated in the kitchen the husband began to passionately

complain to his wife about empty pizza boxes left out on the kitchen table. His

wife was obviously humiliated in front of us. Then the husband opens the

refrigerator door and complains again about the refrigerator being out of order.

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He keeps complaining about other things as well. My friend and I were shocked

about how he treated his wife. My oldest daughter was friends with his daughter. I

asked my daughter how the husband treated everyone in the household. My daughter

told me the husband would yell and scream at not just the wife but also all three

children. A couple of years goes by and my daughter comes home one day and tells me

that the wife had an affair. My response was, “I blame him (the husband) for his wife’s

affair.” My daughter was surprised at my response. I told my daughter that I did not

condone the wife’s affair, but I also said that if the husband would not have continually

treated his wife the way he did, the chances are his wife would not have had an affair.

The husband put his wife in a vulnerable and compromising situation. Marriage is a

covenant. Sometimes we think that physical adultery is the only way to be unfaithful.

However, if you do not obey the rules about the behavior of the husband and the

behavior of the wife then you are still being unfaithful to your spouse.

3. Fix him breakfast

A wife I knew explained a story to me about her husband. She would complain about

him doing stuff in the garage instead of spending time with her. She would let him know

with some harsh words about how she felt. So one day praying about her situation she

asked the Lord what to do. God told her, “Start fixing him breakfast.” So she started

fixing him breakfast every morning and he really began to change and spend quality

time with him. So one evening she did something amazing.

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Trying to spark her marriage even more she slips on some intimate lingerie.

However, she puts on his winter overcoat and puts it on, and she slips out the front door

quietly. She then knocks on the front door and when he opens the door she opens the

overcoat slightly. I think we can figure what happened next but what she did forever

changed their marriage.

Conclusion:

Even if you are correct in your assessment of your husband in how he treats or does not

treat you, does not give you the right to try to correct or rebuke him. While it is OK to

bring problems to your husband, how you handle this can be critical. My suggestion is to

get the mind of God on each specific detail of your marriage.

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End Notes & References

i “Knowing this, that our old man was crucified with him, that the body of sin might be

done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin.”

ii “12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts.

13 And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin,

but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members

as instruments of righteousness to God. 14 For sin shall not have dominion over

you, for you are not under law but under grace.”

iii “Lord” The same word in Hebrew used as one of the proper names of God. Lord in

this case means “Adon.” According to Gesenius Hebrew-Chaldee Lexicon, “Adon”

means ‘owner, master, sir.’ Therefore, “adon” is a strong word with serious

implications.

iv Qualified People: As a utopian situation a qualified marriage counselor “should” have

the following skills

1. They have a living relationship with God.

2. They know the voice of God and the many ways that God speaks.

3. They have an active spiritual knowledge of the Word of God and how to rightly

divide the Word.

4. They believe, know, and can function in the 9 gifts of the Holy Spirit.

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5. They are called of God to work in this area.

6. They believe in the baptism of the Holy Spirit.

7. They manifest the fruit of the Holy Spirit.

What is not necessary:

1. A college degree in counseling.

2. A college degree in psychology.

Having knowledge about relationships can be extremely valuable as learned in training

sessions and colleges. A counselor must be careful to rely on natural knowledge

learned by study in place of being led by the Holy Spirit.

v Narcissistic personality disorder: One of several types of personality disorders is a

mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance,

a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a

lack of empathy for others. This disorder can also be called by other names such

as a “Jezebel spirit.” Women associated with this disorder do not always have

the same symptoms. Therefore, there are variations of this disorder.

vi “Biblical Perspectives On Narcissism” (2020). Retrieved May 22, 2020 From

https://biblicalperspectivesonnarcissism.com/2018/03/25/how-to-live-at-peace-

with-a-contentious-woman-and-still-be-a-real-man/