THE JUGGLER

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S HOME (COMPUTER ROOM) - NIGHT

Gil (35) is watching a Benny Hill video on his computer.

BRITNEY (35) walks in.

BRITNEY

Are you watching Benny Hill again?

GIL

Yeah.

BRITNEY

Ugh. I can’t stand him and that

freaking music. What’s so funny

about Benny Hill, anyways?

GIL

I don’t know. I like Benny Hill. So

I watch Benny Hill.

BRITNEY

Well can you at least shut the door

when you watch that, and turn down

the volume?

GIL

Britney--it’s Benny Hill, not porn.

It’s not like I have my hand in my

pants.

She walks out and shuts the door.

INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

Gil and Britney are seated at a table and eating pizza.

BRITNEY

How come you didn’t fix the cabinet

door?

GIL

I’ll do it. I have to go to Home

Depot and get some screws.

A few seconds pass.

BRITNEY

You know who I saw today? Ben

Taylor?

2.

GIL

Who?

BRITNEY

Ben Taylor. From college. You

remember him.

GIL

No I don’t.

BRITNEY

Sure you do. Ben Taylor. The guy in

our sociology class. He had a dark

tan, and wavy hair.

GIL

I don’t know. Maybe I remember him.

BRITNEY

I saw him at the mall. He’s married

with two kids. He owns a greeting

card store.

GIL

Honey. I don’t know who the fuck he

is.

BRITNEY

How could you not remember Ben

Taylor?

GIL

Probably because he’s a prick.

BRITNEY

I thought you said you didn’t

remember him.

GIL

I don’t. But anyone with a dark tan

and a greeting card store is a

prick.

BRITNEY

He doesn’t have a dark tan anymore.

He had a dark tan in college.

GIL

If you say one more thing about Ben

fucking Taylor, I’m gonna go down

to his greeting card store and beat

the shit out of him.

3.

BRITNEY

How the hell could you not remember

Ben Taylor?! He remembered you. I

told him I married Gil Albright

from our sociology class, and he

was all like, "Oh, Yeah. I remember

Gil, How’s he doing?"

GIL

Well. The next time you see Ben

Taylor at the mall, tell him my

cholesterol is 165, and tell him

that I don’t know who the fuck he

is.

BRITNEY

You know, I’m trying to have a

normal conversation with you, and

you’d rather talk about going to a

greeting card store to beat the

crap out of your college classmate

because he said hi to you.

GIL

You’re trying to have a normal

conversation with me?

BRITNEY

Yes.

GIL

What’s so normal about telling me

that I know Ben Taylor, even though

I keep telling you that I don’t

know Ben Taylor?

BRITNEY

How could you not remember Ben

Taylor?

GIL

Is this you trying to have a normal

conversation with me?

BRITNEY

Yes.

GIL

This is not normal.

BRITNEY

If it’s not normal, it’s because of

the abnormalities you keep on

injecting into the conversation.

4.

GIL

OK. I’ll inject some normality into

it right now. How was your day,

honey?

BRITNEY

Good! I went to the mall, and guess

who I saw there?! Our old college

classmate, Ben fucking Taylor!

INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

Gil and Britney are in bed and watching TV.

NARRATOR / ANNOUNCER (ON TV)

You’re watching Home is a House, on

TBC.

(ON TV) INT. HOME (BATHROOM) - NIGHT

SARAH (40) is putting toothpaste on her toothbrush. JOE (40)

is washing his face.

Sarah notices a toothpaste stain on the counter.

SARAH

Can I ask you something?

JOE

Am I allowed to say no?

SARAH

No. How come whenever you brush

your teeth, there’s a toothpaste

stain on the counter? Is it that

difficult to get the toothpaste

from the tube to your toothbrush,

and from your toothbrush to your

teeth?

JOE

Just be happy I manage to get all

my pee in the toilet.

SARAH

Great. Now all you need to do is

make your tooth brushing technique

a little more like your urination

technique.

5.

JOE

You want me to unzip my pants when

I brush by teeth?

SARAH

No. I want you to aim. And by the

way, this toilet still isn’t

working.

JOE

I know the toilet still isn’t

working. What--you think I’ve been

using the guest bathroom all day

because I want to pleasure myself

next to fancy soap?

SARAH

My point is, why hasn’t your

plumber been over here to fix this?

JOE

Because he’s been busy working on

that home on Macy Street.

SARAH

So it’s more important for you to

fix up a home you’re renovating,

than it is to fix up the home we

live in?

JOE

Honey. The home on Macy Street

needs to be ready by a certain

date. We don’t need to pee in a

specific toilet by a certain date.

INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

Gil and Britney are still in bed and watching TV.

INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

Britney is brushing her teeth. Ben has just gotten out of

the shower, and is in a towel.

BRITNEY

What time should we get to Jackie’s

house?

6.

GIL

Three o’clock.

BRITNEY

Three? No. Let’s get there earlier.

Like at two.

GIL

I can’t get there that early. I got

some stuff I gotta do.

BRITNEY

What stuff do you have to do?

GIL

I have to go to Home Depot, and do

some other stuff.

BRITNEY

Well. We should really get there at

two.

GIL

Well then why did you ask me what

time we should get there?

BRITNEY

Why wouldn’t I ask you?

GIL

Here’s a little recap of what

happened. You asked me, I answered

you, and then you vetoed my answer.

BRITNEY

Because your answer was wrong.

GIL

Well then why did you ask me in the

first place, if you already had an

answer that you were gonna stick

to?

BRITNEY

I didn’t have an answer. I wanted

some input from you.

GIL

I gave you input, and you

immediately ignored it.

7.

BRITNEY

I ignored your input because it was

the wrong input.

GIL

So you wanted input that would just

echo what was already in your head?

BRITNEY

No. I wanted my husband and I to

settle on what time we’d get to

Jackie’s house. Because we’re

married, and we’re going somewhere,

and married couples collectively

settle on a time when they’ll get

to Jackie’s house. That’s why I

wanted your input.

GIL

Well. Here’s some more input. I

can’t stand Jackie. She’s annoying.

How’s that? How’s that input? Are

you gonna use it?

BRITNEY

No--I’m gonna veto it. Jackie’s one

of my best friends. Why do you have

to trash her?

GIL

You trash my friends all the time.

BRITNEY

That’s because your friends are

idiots and degenerates.

GIL

I thought you said you liked

Ashton.

BRITNEY

I do. So please hang out with him

more, and hang out with Tim less.

You hardly ever see Ashton anymore.

If I could set a a playdate between

him and you, I would.

GIL

Well. Whatever. I got stuff to do.

So I can’t get to Jackie’s house

until 3.

8.

BRITNEY

Fine. I’ll get there at 1:30, and

then you come at 2:30.

GIL

3.

BRITNEY

2:30.

GIL

2:45.

BRITNEY

2:30.

GIL

Fine. 2:30.

BRITNEY

Actually--get there are 2:15.

INT. TIM’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

TIM (35) and Gil are playing a video game.

GIL

This game is kind of stupid.

TIM

I know. Why are we playing it?

GIL

It’s one of those games that are,

like, stupid but addictive.

TIM

Yeah. It’s like that show Friends.

It’s stupid, but for some reason I

keep watching it.

GIL

You watch Friends?

TIM

Um. Yeah.

GIL

I fucking hate that show. It’s not

stupid but addictive. It’s stupid

but unbelievably stupid.

9.

TIM

You hate Friends that much?

GIL

Britney watches that crap every

day.

TIM

Right. You hate it the way she

hates Benny Hill.

GIL

Exactly.

TIM

By the way--does she know you’re

hanging out with me?

GIL

No. She kind of implied that she

doesn’t want me to hang out with

you more than once a week.

TIM

Implied? What did she say?

GIL

Um. Let’s see. She said, "Fuck Tim.

He’s an idiot. If you hang out with

him more than once a week, I’ll

kick your ass."

TIM

Oh. Well. Tell her I said hi. ...

Isn’t it interesting how your wife

tells you who you should be friends

with?

GIL

What’s that supposed to mean?

TIM

Hey. Calm down. I didn’t mean to

offend you. I’m just saying that

she basically owns you.

GIL

So. Your girlfriend owns you.

TIM

No she doesn’t.

10.

GIL

I know. ... How exactly does that

work?

TIM

Well. We have a relationship. And

she doesn’t own me.

GIL

But how did you make that happen?

Did you, like, do some voodoo on

her?

TIM

No. We just have a relationship

where she doesn’t own me.

GIL

Yeah. But you’re not married.

Marriages are different. Marriages

aren’t like that. Marriages are,

you know... they’re hard work.

TIM

What the hell does that have to do

with her owning you?

GIL

I don’t know. It’s just--marriages.

They’re... hard work. ’Cause. You

know. It’s a marriage. We’re

married. You’re not married. We

are. It’s hard work. Marriage.

Marriages are hard work. You have

to work hard.

TIM

That doesn’t even make any fucking

sense. How is marriage hard work?

Does a marriage involve mining for

coal?

GIL

No. It’s just that sometimes, I’d

rather mine for coal than go home

to my wife.

TIM

How often is "sometimes?"

GIL

You know. Just, like, once a week.

Sometimes twice a week. When she’s

(MORE)

11.

GIL (cont’d)

in a good mood. But when she’s in a

normal mood, it’s more like three

or four times a week. The thing is,

she hasn’t been in a normal mood

in, like, a year. So it’s more like

five times a week. Six, max. Except

when it’s seven. When it’s seven,

then it’s seven max. So it’s one to

seven times a week. Seven is the

maximum.

TIM

And one is the minimum?

GIL

No. The minimum is more like three.

But, you know. I love her. And we

have fun. You know. Like, we eat

dinner. We go to movies. We swim

sometimes. She’s a good swimmer.

You gotta sea her backstroke. And,

you know. We hang out. I really

love her.

Tim wins the video game.

TIM

That’s game. You want to play

again?

GIL

No. Let’s eat.

INT. TIM’S APARTMENT (KITCHEN) - DAY

Tim and Gil are making sandwiches.

TIM

OK. So you were saying that you

really love Britney.

GIL

Yeah.

TIM

But you’d rather mine for coal than

spend time with her.

12.

GIL

Well, yeah. I mean, no. Listen.

Coal mining is actually kind of

fun. And uh, look. Marriage... is

hard work.

TIM

Yes. I’ve heard.

GIL

She doesn’t own me or anything.

It’s just...

TIM

It’s just that according to her

rules, you’re not allowed to hang

out with me more than once a week.

And she also doesn’t like it when

you play your guitar, or go

golfing, or go to a bar--so you

that stuff secretly.

They take their sandwiches back to the living room and sit

down.

INT. TIM’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

GIL

Dude. The thing you don’t get is

that, you know--when you’re

married, you have two identities.

You’re your married self. And then

you’re also someone else that you

keep secret from your wife. And,

you know. Marriages are hard work.

It’s hard work making sure your

wife doesn’t know what you’re

doing.

TIM

Gil--you’re a married man. Not a

Chinese spy. If you want to hang

out with a friend, just hang out

with a friend.

GIL

Dude. You totally don’t get how

marriage works.

TIM

How does marriage work?

13.

GIL

Well. Basically, here’s what it

comes down to. When you’re married,

sometimes you are like a Chinese

spy.

TIM

How often are you like a Chinese

spy?

GIL

Well. Just, like, once a

week. Sometimes twice a week. Three

times a week, max. But sometimes

it’s four. But, you know. Marriage

is hard work. You know. She thinks

I’m at Home Depot right now. But

I’m not. So I have to make her

think I spent a few hours at Home

Depot.

TIM

But she’s gonna know you didn’t go

to Home Depot, when you don’t come

home with any stuff.

GIL

Do I look like an amateur to you?

I’ve been married for three

years--OK? I know how to make her

think I went to Home Depot.

TIM

How?

GIL

Last week, I was at Home Depot, and

I bought five items. I also got

five bags. And I’ve kept everything

in my trunk this entire time. So

today when I get home, I’ll take

one item in one bag out of my

trunk. I’ll take that item into the

house, with the bag. And she’ll

think I went to Home Depot. Today.

Even though I went there last week.

Plus, I can do that four more

times. Because I have four more

bags, with four more items.

TIM

So you’ve been driving around with

five hammers in your trunk for the

last week?

14.

GIL

It’s not just Home Depot

merchandise in my trunk. I’ve got

like hundred of alibis everywhere.

TIM

Are you serious?

GIL

Yeah. I have an ample supply of

alibis. Plus, I have gifts. I have

hidden gifts. Ten of them. So if I

come home and she’s acting all

PMS-y or I forgot her birthday or

something, I can just hand her a

gift. I’ve got gifts, and Home

Depot stuff, and a whole lot more.

TIM

I guess marriage is hard work. But,

uh, isn’t she gonna think you’re a

lunatic for going to Home Depot so

often just to pick up one time at a

time?

GIL

I don’t give a fuck. I’m married.

She thinks I’m a lunatic, I think

she’s a lunatic. That’s a big part

of what being married

involves. Anyways, I gotta go. I

have to change, and be somewhere at

2:15. Not 2:30, not 2:45, not 3

o’clock.

EXT. JACKIE AND CLYDE’S HOME (BACKYARD) - DAY

JACKIE (35) and CLYDE (35) are talking to Britney and Gil.

About 15 other PEOPLE are present.

CLYDE

...So the valet gives me my car. I

drive a few blocks away. I’m at a

red light. And I hear something. I

look at the back seat, and you

won’t believe what I saw there.

GIL

A clown’s anus.

15.

CLYDE

Uh. No.

GIL

Oh. It seemed like you were leading

up to how you discovered a clown’s

anus.

BRITNEY

Gil. Shut up.

CLYDE

Anyways, I look back, and I see a

cage with a hamster in it. Yeah.

The valet had given me the wrong

grey BMW 320i. And someone had a

hamster in theirs.

JACKIE

(to Gil and Britney)

Can you believe that?

GIL

That’s crazy. Most people store

their hamsters in a clown’s anus.

JACKIE

Gil. Enough.

CLYDE

Anyways. I drive back to the

restaurant. And the guy who owns

the BMW I’m in--he’s standing in

the parking lot. And as soon as he

sees me in his car, he yells out,

"Hussein!" Because Hussein... was

the name of the hamster. So the

guy...

JACKIE

Who was American, by the way.

CLYDE

Right. Yeah. The owner of Hussein

the hamster was American--not

Arabic or something. He gets in the

car the second I get out of it. He

doesn’t say or look at me or the

valet. He just gets in the car, he

looks back at the hamster, and he

drives away. Now, I still don’t

know who Hussein is. I’m just

standing there, wondering why that

(MORE)

16.

CLYDE (cont’d)guy yelled Hussein when I drove

in. So I look at the valet driver,

and I’m like, "Who’s Hussein?" And

he says, "Did you notice a hamster

in the back seat?" I say, "Yeah."

And the valet says, "That hamster

was Hussein." Yeah. The valet guys

knew about Hussein. Because the

owner of the car had spent the last

five minutes talking about his

hamster.

GIL

Wow. That turned into a really good

story. It was even better than the

one about the clown’s anus. Unless

the clown’s name was Hussein.

CLYDE

So what’s going on with you, Gil?

GIL

Well. Let’s see. I, uh--I learned

how to juggle last week. Let me

show you.

(points to a bowl of fruit)

I can use those oranges over there.

BRITNEY

Gil. You don’t need to juggle for

us right now.

GIL

Honey. I gotta do something big, to

top that Hussein the Hamster story.

BRITNEY

Well do something else.

GIL

Honey--it’s no big deal. I’m just

gonna juggle.

BRITNEY

I’d rather you didn’t.

GIL

Why not?

BRITNEY

It’s just a little silly to juggle

in the middle of this party.

17.

GIL

This isn’t the White House, honey.

It’s Jackie and Clyde’s house.

Jackie and Clyde--not Michelle and

Hussein Obama. I’m just gonna do a

little juggling.

BRITNEY

Gil. No.

GIL

Honey. Listen. I was talking to

your delightful friend Jackie, and

her delightful husband Clyde.

He asked what I’ve been up to. And

I’ve been juggling. So I’m gonna

juggle for Jackie and Clyde.

BRITNEY

Well. Suppose you’ve been

masturbating a lot lately. Does

that mean should masturbate for

Jackie and Clyde right now, in

their yard, at their party? Are you

gonna do that after your juggling

show? Maybe you should do it, Gil.

Maybe after you’re done, they’ll

tip you a dollar.

GIL

Honey. Masturbation is a private

activity. Juggling is a more social

one.

BRITNEY

Juggling is a clown activity. Is

this a five year old’s birthday

party, and are you a clown?

JACKIE

Um. You know what? I’m gonna go

check on the, um, thing in the

other room.

GIL

Yeah. Go check the thing.

Jackie starts walking away.

CLYDE

I’m gonna go check the thing with

her.

Clyde also walks away.

18.

GIL

(to Britney)

I just want to juggle. I don’t see

what the big deal is.

BRITNEY

It’s not a big deal.

GIL

Well, it seemed like you were

making a big deal about it.

BRITNEY

I wasn’t making a big deal about

it.

GIL

So you agree that it’s not a big

deal?

BRITNEY

Yeah.

GIL

Great. Bring Clyde and Jackie back

over here, and I’ll juggle for

them. And ask them if they have

tangerines instead of

oranges--because I juggle

tangerines better.

BRITNEY

Gil. Enough.

GIL

But this is no big deal.

BRITNEY

And since it’s no big deal, why are

you so intent on juggling fruit?

GIL

If it’s no big deal, why are you so

intent on making me not juggle

fruit?

BRITNEY

Because this is a lunch party at my

friend’s house, and I don’t want

you to act like a damn clown. No

juggling.

19.

GIL

Clyde just told a fucking story

about Hussein the Hamster. That

means this is a fun, casual party.

The type where juggling is

perfectly appropriate. You bringing

up masturbation, on the other hand,

wasn’t so appropriate.

BRITNEY

It was the appropriate response to

you saying, "I’m gonna juggle

oranges in the middle of this

party."

INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Gil and Britney walk in through the front door.

GIL

Well. That was fun.

BRITNEY

Was it?

GIL

Yeah. From now on, any time I see

my car being driven by someone

else, I’m gonna yell, "Hussein!"

BRITNEY

So where’d you go today, before the

party?

GIL

You know where I went.

BRITNEY

Refresh my memory.

GIL

I went to Home Depot.

BRITNEY

Right. Yeah. Home Depot. Did you go

anywhere else?

GIL

I went to, uh, Taco Bell. And I

went for a walk.

20.

BRITNEY

Gil--I talked to Macy. And she told

me that Jennifer said that you and

Tim played basketball at the park,

and then you played video games at

his apartment.

GIL

Great. So now you’re using Macy to

spy on me?

BRITNEY

No. There’s no using, and no

spying. I’m just friends with

someone who’s roommates with Tim’s

girlfriend.

GIL

Yeah. But you’ve become closer

friends with Macy over

time--because you know you can use

her to spy on me.

BRITNEY

A--you’re an idiot. And B--the

central issue here is that you were

hanging out with Tim.

GIL

So? He’s my best friend. Why can’t

I hang out with him more than once

a week?

BRITNEY

It’s not that. Why do you have to

lie to me?

GIL

Fine. I won’t lie. I’ll just hang

out with him as much as I want, and

I’ll tell you about it.

BRITNEY

I really don’t want you to hang out

with Tim. He’s a bad influence on

you.

GIL

Well that’s why I lie to you.

BRITNEY

Gil. We’re married. Married couples

aren’t supposed to lie about who

they spend time with.

21.

GIL

But you complain when I see my best

friend more than once a week.

That’s why I lie.

BRITNEY

Your best friend pisses me off, and

he’s a bad influence on you. That’s

why I don’t want you constantly

spending time with him.

GIL

But you just said that that’s not

the issue. You said the issue is

that I lie to you.

BRITNEY

Well excuse me for wanting a

husband who’s honest with me.

GIL

I’m willing to be honest with you.

I’m gonna hang out with Tim, and

tell you about it.

BRITNEY

I don’t want you to hang out with

that schmuck Tim.

GIL

That’s why I lie. That’s the issue.

The issue is that you don’t want be

to be around Tim.

BRITNEY

The issue is that you hang around

with an annoying guy like him, and

the issue is that you lie.

GIL

Those are the branch issues. The

branches! The root issue is that

you won’t let me hang out with my

best friend.

BRITNEY

That’s not the root. That’s the

trunk. The root is that you’re best

friends with someone you shouldn’t

even be acquaintances with, and you

lie and tell me that you don’t see

him that often.

22.

GIL

How the fuck is that the root?

Maybe you need to study a tree for

a few hours to understand what

roots, trunks, and branches are.

BRITNEY

Who gives a shit about trees, Gil?

Fuck you and your stupid tree

analogy. You’re just using it to

put a spin on this whole thing. I’m

not a root. You’re a root.

GIL

I though you didn’t like the tree

analogy. Why are you bringing up

roots again?

BRITNEY

Because you already planted the

damn tree, and now I have to use

the tree analogy to illustrate my

point.

GIL

What point? You have no point.

BRITNEY

The point is that you have the

wrong friends, and you’re unwilling

to be honest with me, your wife.

GIL

Those are branches! By the way--who

says Tim is a bad influence on me?

You want me to exercise more--and I

played basketball with Tim today.

Basketball is a form of exercise.

BRITNEY

You’re dodging the issue again.

GIL

This pertains to the issue.

BRITNEY

What issue? What issue does it

pertain to?

GIL

The issue of whether Tim is a bad

influence on me.

23.

BRITNEY

The issue is that you lie to me.

GIL

That’s the other issue. And really,

the main issue is that you want to

tell me who to be friends with.

BRITNEY

The main issue is that you want to

be friends with the wrong people.

GIL

The main issue is that you keep on

finding ways to be a pain in the

ass.

BRITNEY

The main issue is that you’re a

lunatic who wants to juggle oranges

at parties, and beat the crap out

of Ben Taylor because you don’t

remember him, and you want to hang

out with bad influences like Tim.

GIL

Once again, I exercised with Tim.

So how is he a bad influence?

Explain that to me, Britney.

BRITNEY

Fine. Whatever. Hang out with Tim

all day, every day.

GIL

OK. I will.

BRITNEY

You better not!

INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

Gil and Britney are in bed, watching TV.

GIL

You know, I just had, uh, one of

those--what do you call it?

Epiphanies.

BRITNEY

Great. Don’t forget to fix the

cabinet door tomorrow morning. Make

(MORE)

24.

BRITNEY (cont’d)sure your epiphany doesn’t get in

the way of that.

GIL

Britney. I had an epiphany.

BRITNEY

OK. What’s your epiphany?

GIL

Well. Here’s what it comes down to.

You and me. Me and you. The two of

us.

BRITNEY

That’s your epiphany?

GIL

No. I’m in the middle of describing

it.

BRITNEY

OK. Continue epiphanizing.

GIL

Me and you. You and me. The two of

us. We’re like Joe and Sarah.

BRITNEY

Joe and Sarah?

GIL

On the show Home is a House. We’re

like Joe and Sarah.

BRITNEY

You mean I’m always right and

you’re always wrong?

GIL

No. That’s definitely not my

epiphany.

BRITNEY

Well then what the hell is your

epiphany? How are we like Joe and

Sarah?

GIL

We’re like Joe and Sarah in the

sense that you’re arrogant, you’re

whiny, and you’re bossy.

25.

BRITNEY

No I’m not. And by the way--you

only described one person. So how

does that make us like Joe and

Sarah?

GIL

No. Because I’m the guy who’s

married to the woman who’s like

Sarah. You know. The woman who’s

arrogant, and whiny, and bossy.

BRITNEY

No. You’re like Joe in the sense

that you’re immature, you piss me

off, and you don’t know anything.

GIL

Joe is none of those things. And

neither am I. Except maybe for the

part about pissing you off. And

it’s not that I piss you off so

much as it is that you’re arrogant,

and whiny, and bossy. That’s the

root issue.

BRITNEY

Don’t start that root bullshit with

me again, Gil. No more root

discussions.

GIL

Don’t you see what’s going on here?

Don’t you understand you understand

the nature of our relationship?

BRITNEY

What are you talking about? What

nature of our relationship?

GIL

I wanted to juggle at a freaking

party, and you pretty much

threatened to murder me. You’re

like Sarah on Home is a House.

BRITNEY

You don’t understand Sarah--and you

definitely don’t understand me. And

you don’t understand the nature of

our relationship. And you don’t

understand the root of all this.

26.

GIL

I thought you said we weren’t

talking about roots anymore.

BRITNEY

Fine. Were not talking about roots.

We’re talking about epiphanies. And

here’s my epiphany. Kiss my ass,

Gil!

GIL

That’s your epiphany? What kind of

epiphany is that?

BRITNEY

Oh. Like you had some great

epiphany. You’ve never had an

epiphany in your freaking life. The

only types of ideas that float

around in your head are ones like,

"I should eat a sandwich." "I like

Die Hard 1 more than Die Hard 2."

"I hate the show Friends." "I’m

gonna go hang out with Tim." Those

are your epiphanies.

GIL

Oh really? Well here’s a freaking

epiphany. We should get divorced.

And I should eat a sandwich.

BRITNEY

Gil. What are you talking about?

GIL

I’m talking about how any time I

watch Home is a House, I think,

"Joe should divorce Sarah. And he

should eat a sandwich."

BRITNEY

We’re not Joe and Sarah.

GIL

But if I were Joe, I’d divorce

Sarah. I’m Gil--so I’m gonna

divorce you. Epiphany.

BRITNEY

Well here’s my epiphany. You’re an

idiot. This is not a freaking

sitcom! We’re a married couple.

27.

GIL

You just called me an idiot--just

like Sarah calls Joe an idiot on

almost every episode of Home is a

House.

BRITNEY

That’s because Joe is an

idiot--just like you.

GIL

Great. Be sure to tell your next

husband what an idiot I am. And

I’ll tell him what an idiot he is

for marrying you.

BRITNEY

You know what? Fuck you! You think

you’re better than me?

GIL

That sounds like something Sarah

would say. Except for the "fuck

you" part. But if Home is a House

were on HBO, she’d totally say

"fuck you" to Joe. She’d use more

f-words than Tony Soprano.

BRITNEY

Well good for Sarah, and good for

HBO. Will you stop talking about TV

shows, Gil? We’re trying to have a

serious conversation.

GIL

I’m not trying to have a

conversation with you, period.

That’s the freaking point. Remember

the whole thing about the epiphany

and the divorce? I’m trying to not

have conversations with you.

BRITNEY

Well try harder--because it seems

like we’re having a conversation

right now as we speak.

GIL

Well--we’re not. We’re not having a

conversation.

28.

BRITNEY

Well for a non-conversation, you

seem to be running your damn mouth

an awful lot.

GIL

You’re the one who won’t shut up.

BRITNEY

Says the guy who just said

something.

GIL

Fine. I’m not saying anything.

Starting now.

BRITNEY

Me neither. Starting now.

They stare at each other for a few second.

BRITNEY

Damn it, Gil. You better start

saying something. This conversation

is not over.

GIL

Oh, it’s over! It’s freaking over!

This is the most over conversation

that’s ever been conversed in the

history of conversations! There is

no conversation. OK. This is the

series finale. "Tonight, on the

series finale of Home is a House,

Joe and Sarah have a

non-conversation and get a

divorce." The end. OK?

BRITNEY

Damn it, Gill--I’m not Sarah, and

this is not Home is a House.

GIL

Fine. "Tonight, on the series

finale of Gill and Britney’s

marriage, Gill and Britney have a

non-conversation and get a

divorce."

Gil gets up and begins walking out of the room.

29.

BRITNEY

Where are you going?

BRITNEY

I’m gonna go on the computer and

Google divorce.

BRITNEY

What do you mean you’re gonna

Google divorce?

GIL

I mean, I need to do some research

on how to divorce someone--hence

the Googling. Oh--and then I’m

gonna go to YouTube and watch Benny

Hill with the door open and the

volume turned up.

BRITNEY

So you’re serious about this

divorce thing?

GIL

Yes. That’s what I’ve been telling

you, in no uncertain terms, for the

past three minutes. We should get

divorced. And here’s the HBO

version: We should get fucking

divorced.

BRITNEY

Gill--we are not getting fucking

divorced!

GIL

How could you not be on board with

this? This is one of the best ideas

I’ve ever had--right next to the

one about eating a sandwich, and

the one about watching Die Hard.

BRITNEY

So just like that, out of nowhere,

you want to get divorced?

GIL

Out of nowhere? Nowhere? What

nowhere are you talking about?

There’s no nowhere. There’s

somewhere. Were you at that fucking

party?

30.

BRITNEY

You want to get divorced because of

one small fight we had at a party?

GIL

No. I want to get divorced because

of almost every single conversation

we’ve had over the past two years.

Like the one about roots and

branches, and the one about Ben

fucking Tucker.

BRITNEY

It’s Ben fucking Taylor. Taylor.

GIL

I don’t give a shit what it is. If

you’re so obsessed with Mr. Taylor

or Mr. Tucker or Mr.

Whatever-the-Fuck-His-Name-Is, then

why don’t you go marry him?

BRITNEY

He’s married. Weren’t you even

listening to what I was saying

yesterday? Ben fucking is Taylor is

fucking married, with two fucking

kids, and a fucking greeting card

store!

TIM

There you go. Now you really got

the HBO, Tony Soprano thing going

on all cylinders.

BRITNEY

You know, you’re really out of your

damn mind, Gil.

TIM

I’m out of my mind?! I’m out of my

mind?! This is as "in my mind" as

I’ve ever been. Holy shit am I in

my mind! My mind is my new

residence, Britney. I moved in. I

put a TV in there, and a hammock.

If you want to know where to find

me, it’s in my mind, on my hammock,

in front of my TV. And you want to

know what I’m not watching on that

TV? Home is a Fucking House. I’m

not watching that. I’m watching Die

Hard. Part 1.

31.

BRITNEY

That speech made absolutely no

sense at all! Hammock?! What

freaking hammock?!

GIL

The hammock in my mind--my mind

being the place I’m in.

BRITNEY

This is the dumbest discussion

we’ve ever had with each other.

GIL

It’s not a discussion. Remember?

We’re having a non-conversation.

BRITNEY

Will you stop bringing up the whole

non-conversation?!

GIL

I’m bringing it up, Britney! I’m

bringing up the non-conversation.

BRITNEY

Well. By bringing it up, you’re

having a conversation with.

GIL

And what makes you the arbiter of

what is and isn’t a conversation?

BRITNEY

My brain, and my common sense.

That’s what makes me the arbiter.

GIL

What about your arrogance? That

makes you the arbiter of

everything.

BRITNEY

Excuse me for having a few

opinions! I didn’t know you were

looking for a woman who’d agree

with every dumb thing that comes

out of your mouth.

GIL

Even if I were Albert freaking

Einstein you’d be disagreeing with

everything that comes out of my

(MORE)

32.

GIL (cont’d)mouth! You’d be disagreeing with

the E, and the MC squared, and the

equals! And then you’d be all like,

"Listen, Albert--you dumb son of a

bitch! Stop hanging out with Tim,

and watching Benny Hill, and

juggling oranges."

BRITNEY

Albert Einstein wouldn’t hang out

with Tim, or watch Benny Hill, or

juggle oranges.

GIL

He would definitely watch Benny

Hill.

BRITNEY

Says who?

GIL

Look at his haircut! Look at that

picture of him with his tongue out!

BRITNEY

I don’t give a shit about his

haircut or his tongue! Why are we

talking about Albert Einstein?!

GIL

Fine. We’ll go back to having our

non-conversation about my epiphany,

and Joe and Sarah, and our divorce.

BRITNEY

Gill--don’t be such a lunatic. We

can’t get divorced

GIL

Why not?

BRITNEY

What about the kids?

GIL

We don’t have any kids.

BRITNEY

Joe and Sarah have two kids.

33.

GIL

We’re not Joe and Sarah--remember?

BRITNEY

What gave you the idea to divorce

me? I want to know. I’ll bet I

know. I know. Tim. You hang out

with Tim every week, you see his

life as a single guy, and he makes

it seem so fun, and glamorous, and

appealing. And now you’re in line

to be single, too. Well guess what?

Tim is a jackass, and his life is

ridiculous.

GIL

You’re calling Tim a jackass?

BRITNEY

Yes.

GIL

Wow. This is just like the episode

where Sarah calls Joe’s friend Tom

a dumbass.

BRITNEY

If you mention that show one more

time, I’m gonna kick your ass.

GIL

You’re gonna kick my ass? You must

have me confused with your husband

the schmuck. Well guess what? I’m

now your ex-husband the

non-schmuck.

BRITNEY

OK. What are you gonna do as my

ex-husband? I want to know. What’s

your life gonna be like as

my-husband?

GIL

I’m gonna watch TV, and play video

games, and go on dates, and mine

for coal.

BRITNEY

Mine for coal? What the hell does

that mean?

34.

GIL

It means that a marriage is hard

work when the person I’m married to

is you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I

have some work to do on the

computer.

BRITNEY

You better not Google divorce.

GIL

Who the hell are you to tell me

what I can and can’t Google? You’re

not the Chinese government, this

isn’t China, and I’m not a

Chinaman.

BRITNEY

You can’t say Chinamen. That’s an

offensive term.

GIL

I can say whatever I want. This is

America, and I have freedom of

speech. Plus, I’m not your husband,

and that also means I have freedom

of speech. As an American who’s not

your husband, I have freedom of

speech and freedom of speech.

Freedom of speech squared.

Chinaman, Chinaman, Chinaman,

Chinaman.

(sings)

Chinaman, Chinaman, Chinaman,

Chinaman.

BRITNEY

Well Congratulations, Gil, You get

to sing Chinaman.

GIL

By the way. All those times I said

I was at Home Depot? I wasn’t. I’ve

only been to Home Depot, like, ten

times total.

BRITNEY

What the fuck are you talking

about?

GIL

I’m talking about the Home Depot

alibi. Go see my trunk. I have four

(MORE)

35.

GIL (cont’d)Home Depot bags in there, each of

which has an item in it. Four

alibis.

BRITNEY

Are you fucking kidding me?

GIL

Hey. That’s what it takes to be a

Chinese spy.

Britney walks out of the room.

INT. APARTMENT GARAGE - NIGHT

Britney walks up to a car, and uses a key to open the trunk.

Gil is behind her. Britney looks in the trunk and sees a

large trash bag and some books.

BRITNEY

There are no Home Depot bags in

here.

GIL

Look in the trash bag.

She looks in it, and sees some old seat shirts.

BRITNEY

What are these sweatshirts?

GIL

It’s the stuff I put in front, to

make it look like that bag contains

a bunch of clothes I’m planning to

give to goodwill.

She takes out some sweats shirts and boxer short, and sees

the four aforementioned Home Depot bags.

BRITNEY

What the hell, Gil!

GIL

What do you mean "what the hell?"

BRITNEY

You’ve been faking going to Home

Depot throughout our marriage?

36.

GIL

Yeah.

She gabs one of the bags out of the trunk, and throws it

into a trash bin.

GIL

I really don’t care if you do that.

I don’t need the alibis anymore.

BRITNEY

You’re a freaking lunatic, Gil.

GIL

I’m a lunatic? You just threw a new

screwdriver into the trash.

A car drives into the garage and parks near Gil’s car. MR.

THOMPSON (60) gets out.

GIL

Hi. Mr, Thompson.

MR. THOMPSON

Hi.

Britney is digging through the trash bag. She takes out a

gift wrapped box.

BRITNEY

(to Gil)

What is this?

GIL

It’s a gift.

BRITNEY

For some whore girlfriend you have?

GIL

No. For some insane wife I have.

It’s your birthday gift, or

Valentine’s Day gift, or

anniversary gift.

BRITNEY

What do you mean? Which gift is it?

GIL

It’s the gift for whichever thing I

forget. I just go to my trunk--and

boom, there’s a gift.

37.

MR. THOMPSON

Well. I’ll, uh, see you two later.

GIL

Yeah. You probably have to go check

on that thing.

Mr. Thompson walks away.

Britney removes the gift wrap, and then opens a shoe box and

takes out a pair of high heels.

BRITNEY

This is my anniversary or

Valentine’s or birthday gift?

GIL

Yes. Happy anniversary, or

birthday, or Valentine’s Day.

Actually, I’m gonna go ahead and

make that a divorce gift.

BRITNEY

Where’s the card?

GIL

I got a dozen cards in the trash

bag.

Britney digs through the bag, takes out some greeting cards,

and throws them into the trash bin.

GIL

Maybe I should go down to Ben

fucking Tucker’s greeting card

store, and buy a divorce card.

BRITNEY

He’s not Ben fucking Tucker! He’s

been fucking Taylor.

GIL

Well good for him! Good for him and

his name, and his greeting card

store, and his dark tan, and his

two kids, and his wavy hair! Now

can I please have those high heels

back? I’m gonna go find a whore

girlfriend tomorrow, and give them

to her.

38.

BRITNEY

I’m keeping these heels! I’m gonna

wear them to your damn funeral!

A car drives into the garage and parks next to Mr.

Thompson’s car. MRS. THOMPSON (60) gets out.

GIL

Hi, Mrs. Thompson. Would your shoe

size happen to be an 8. Because

I’ve got a lovely pair of high

heels for you.

MRS. THOMPSON

Um. I’m a 7.

BRITNEY

Oh. Well that’s too bad! Because

now you can’t be my husband’s whore

girlfriend!

MRS. THOMPSON

I see.

GIL

Just to clarify--I don’t have a

whore girlfriend yet. I just have a

pair of high heels. So don’t go

gossiping to everyone in the

building about how the guy in 203

has a whore girlfriend.

MRS. THOMPSON

OK. Can I go now?

GIL

Absolutely, Mr. Thompson. You can

go. Go check the thing.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Britney is sitting a at the breakfast table and eating

cereal. Gil walks in.

BRITNEY

Hi.

GIL

Hi.

39.

BRITNEY

When are you gonna fix the cabinet

door?

GIL

We’re getting divorced--remember?

BRITNEY

Are you starting that again?

GIL

I’m not starting it again. It

reached a conclusion last night.

BRITNEY

Fine. You’re divorcing me. Good for

you, Gil. Are you gonna fix the

cabinet or not?

GIL

Yes. But I’m fixing it as a single

man.

BRITNEY

OK, single man. Let me ask you

this. If you’re so single, why are

you living here in this apartment

with me?

GIL

I’m gonna move.

BRITNEY

Well. We have four months left on

our lease.

GIL

So?

BRITNEY

So wherever you live, you better

pay four months rent for this

apartment.

GIL

If I’m gonna pay rent, then I’m

gonna live here, and you’re gonna

move.

BRITNEY

I’m not moving. I love this

apartment.

40.

GIL

Since when? You’re always

complaining about the cabinet door,

and the fridge, and the neighbors.

BRITNEY

Those were branch complaints. The

root complaint was my husband.

GIL

Whatever. I’m moving out of here,

and I’m not paying any rent.

BRITNEY

Your name is on the lease.

GIL

Fine. I’m moving out of here, and

I’m paying half the rent.

INT. TIM’S HOME - DAY

TIM

You’re paying half the rent, and

she gets the entire apartment?

GIL

Yeah.

TIM

Where are you gonna live?

GIL

Um. I don’t know. I checked out a

few apartments today. They’re, uh,

kind of expensive. And shitty. The

rent is about $2 per shitty square

foot. And uh, my financial

situation right now is kind of, uh.

What’s the word?

TIM

Shitty?

GIL

Right.

TIM

So, uh, you want to live here?

41.

GIL

Well. I mean. Like, for the time

being...

TIM

Listen. Um. I’d ordinarily be happy

to have you here.

GIL

And what about un-ordinarily?

TIM

Un-ordinarily, for the time being,

you gotta get out of here and live

in a shitty, expensive apartment.

GIL

What’s so un-ordinary about the

time being?

TIM

Uh. Jennifer’s moving in with me

today.

GIL

What? I thought you said she

doesn’t own you.

TIM

She doesn’t. We’re just taking our

relationship to the next level. It

was my idea.

GIL

When did you come up with this

idea?

TIM

Yesterday. I was with with

Jennifer, we were setting up my new

cable box. We were trying to figure

out how to use the Tivo thingy, and

make it record Judge Judy. And I

looked at Jennifer, and I thought,

"I want to live with this woman. I

want to watch Judge Judy with her

every day."

GIL

... That’s the stupidest thing I’ve

ever heard in my life. I mean, it’s

one thing to have a woman move in

on account of Dr. Phil. But Judge

Judy?

42.

TIM

So, uh, what are you gonna do?

GIL

You know what? I’m gonna pay half

the rent. So why shouldn’t I use

half the apartment?

TIM

Because you’re getting a

separation. How are you gonna be

separated from a woman if she’s

five feet away from you?

GIL

I don’t know. All I know is I’m not

gonna pay half of the rent for none

of the apartment.

INT. GIL AND BRITNEY’S HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY

GIL

Hi.

BRITNEY

Hi. ... So, did you enjoy being

single today?

GIL

Yes. Thank you for asking.

BRITNEY

I enjoyed it, too. I had sex with

the cable guy at noon, and then at

one, I used your Derek Jeter jersey

to scrub my toilet.

GIL

What?!

BRITNEY

Just kidding.

Gil sits down.

GIL

Are you kidding about the cable guy

or the toilet?

BRITNEY

Both. I thought about doing those

things--but then I remembered that

(MORE)

43.

BRITNEY (cont’d)I’m the mature person in this

relationship.

GIL

What relationship? We’re separated.

BRITNEY

OK. Then separate your ass from my

sofa.

GIL

I will. When our lease is up.

BRITNEY

I thought you were moving out.

GIL

Well. I mean, you know what our

financial situation is like.

BRITNEY

Are you referring to the fact that

you’re a broke bastard?

GIL

Well. I don’t know about bastard.

But the point is, I can’t really

afford to pay half the rent here,

and the full rent somewhere else.

BRITNEY

Because you’re a broke bastard. And

because Tim won’t let you live at

his apartment.

GIL

How did you know about that?

BRITNEY

I talked to Macy. She told me that

Rebecca’s is moving out of her

apartment, and moving in with Tim.

GIL

Great. Well. I’m gonna be here for

four months. You know what you

should do? Move in with Macy, and

pay half of the rent for this

apartment.

44.

BRITNEY

You must be crazy if you think I’m

gonna do that.

GIL

Fine. Whatever. We both live here.

But we’re separated. Where’s the

duct tape?

BRITNEY

What do you need duct tape for?

GIL

I’m gonna mark your half of the

apartment from my half of the

apartment.

BRITNEY

What does this look like--I Love

Lucy?

GIL

Well. We’re definitely gonna split

our Tivo in half. Right now, your

shitty programs take up like 80% of

it.

He turns on the TV, and uses the remote to flip through the

recorded programs.

GIL

OK. Let’s see. The Real Housewives

of Atlanta? That’s gotta go. As

part of the terms of our

separation, I get to delete this

program.

BRITNEY

If you delete that, I’m gonna clean

our toilet with your Derek Jeter

jersey.

GIL

I thought you were the mature one

in this relationship.

BRITNEY

I am.

GIL

If you’re so mature, how come our

Tivo is filled up with The Real

Housewives and The Bachelorette?

45.

BRITNEY

At least I don’t juggle fruit and

watch Benny Hill.

GIL

Fine. You win. Britney. You’re the

mature one.

He goes to the kitchen, takes three tangerines out of the

refrigerator, takes them back to the living room, and

juggles them in front of Britney while singing the Benny

Hill song. She bats the tangerines away from him.

GIL

Real mature, Britney.

BRITNEY

I’ll be in my room.

She starts walking away.

GIL

You mean the bedroom?

BRITNEY

Yes.

GIL

I get 50% of that room.

BRITNEY

Fine. I’ll be in my half of the

bedroom. And you better stay the

hell out of the other half.

GIL

Oh yeah? Well you better...

fucking... uh... whatever.

She walks away.