The Importance Of Being Ernest (Oscar Wilde).doc

8/10/2019 The Importance Of Being Ernest (Oscar Wilde).doc

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THE SCE ES O# THE P!A"

)CT . )l ernon Moncrieff2s 0lat in -alf3Moon 4treet, (.

)CT . The arden at the Manor -ouse, (oolton.)CT . Dra/in 3*oom at the Manor -ouse, (oolton.

T M 6 The Present.

!O $O % ST& 'A(ES)S THEATRE

Lessee and Mana er6 Mr. eor e )le ander

0ebruary 1#th, 1795

8 8 8 8 8

'ohn (orthin , '.P.6 Mr. eor e )le ander.)l ernon Moncrieff6 Mr. )llen )ynes/orth.*ev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.6 Mr. -. -. incent.Merriman6 Mr. 0ran Dyall.Lane6 Mr. 0. :insey Peile.Lady +rac nell6 Miss *ose Leclerc;.-on. /endolen 0airfa 6 Miss rene anbru h.Cecily Carde/6 Miss velyn Millard.Miss Prism6 Mrs. eor e Cannin e.

#IRST ACT

SCE E

Mornin 3room in )l ernon2s flat in -alf3Moon 4treet. The room islu uriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a %iano is heard in thead

Algernon& Did you hear /hat /as %layin , Lane?

!ane& didn2t thin it %olite to listen, sir.


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Algernon& 2m sorry for that, for your sa e. don2t %lay accurately@any onecan %lay accurately@but %lay /ith /onderful e %ression. )s far as the

%iano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. ee% science for Life.

!ane& Aes, sir.

Algernon& )nd, s%ea in of the science of Life, have you ot the cucumbersand/iches cut for Lady +rac nell?

!ane& Aes, sir. =-ands them on a salver.>

Algernon& = ns%ects them, ta es t/o, and sits do/n on the sofa.> Bh . . . bythe /ay, Lane, see from your boo that on Thursday ni ht, /hen Lord4horeman and Mr. (orthin /ere dinin /ith me, ei ht bottles of cham%a neare entered as havin been consumed.

!ane& Aes, sir ei ht bottles and a %int.Algernon& (hy is it that at a bachelor2s establishment the servants invariablydrin the cham%a ne? as merely for information.

!ane& attribute it to the su%erior ;uality of the /ine, sir. have oftenobserved that in married households the cham%a ne is rarely of a first3rate

brand.

Algernon& ood heavens s marria e so demoralisin as that?

!ane& believe it is a very %leasant state, sir. have had very little e %erienceof it myself u% to the %resent. have only been married once. That /as inconse;uence of a misunderstandin bet/een myself and a youn %erson.

Algernon& =Lan uidly .> don2t no/ that am much interested in yourfamily life, Lane.

!ane& Eo, sir it is not a very interestin sub

Algernon& Lane2s vie/s on marria e seem some/hat la . *eally, if thelo/er orders don2t set us a ood e am%le, /hat on earth is the use of them?They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral res%onsibility.

= nter !ane .>

!ane& Mr. rnest (orthin .

= nter 'ac* .>

=!ane oes out .>Algernon& -o/ are you, my dear rnest? (hat brin s you u% to to/n?


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'ac*& Bh, %leasure, %leasure (hat else should brin one any/here? atinas usual, see, )l y

Algernon& =4tiffly .> believe it is customary in ood society to ta e somesli ht refreshment at five o2cloc . (here have you been since last Thursday?

'ac*& =4ittin do/n on the sofa.> n the country.

Algernon& (hat on earth do you do there?

'ac*& =Pullin off his loves .> (hen one is in to/n one amuses oneself.(hen one is in the country one amuses other %eo%le. t is e cessively borin .

Algernon& )nd /ho are the %eo%le you amuse?

'ac*& =)irily .> Bh, nei hbours, nei hbours.

Algernon& ot nice nei hbours in your %art of 4hro%shire?'ac*& Perfectly horrid Eever s%ea to one of them.

Algernon& -o/ immensely you must amuse them = oes over and ta essand/ich.> +y the /ay, 4hro%shire is your county, is it not?

'ac*& h? 4hro%shire? Aes, of course. -allo (hy all these cu%s? (hycucumber sand/iches? (hy such rec less e trava ance in one so youn ?(ho is comin to tea?

Algernon& Bh merely )unt )u usta and /endolen.'ac*& -o/ %erfectly deli htful

Algernon& Aes, that is all very /ell but am afraid )unt )u usta /on2t ;uitea%%rove of your bein here.

'ac*& May as /hy?

Algernon& My dear fello/, the /ay you flirt /ith /endolen is %erfectlydis raceful. t is almost as bad as the /ay /endolen flirts /ith you.

'ac*& am in love /ith /endolen. have come u% to to/n e %ressly to %ro%ose to her.

Algernon& thou ht you had come u% for %leasure? . . . call that business.

'ac*& -o/ utterly unromantic you are

Algernon& really don2t see anythin romantic in %ro%osin . t is veryromantic to be in love. +ut there is nothin romantic about a definite

%ro%osal. (hy, one may be acce%ted. Bne usually is, believe. Then thee citement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. f ever et married, 2ll certainly try to for et the fact.


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Algernon& (ell, /ish you /ould offer one. ha%%en to be more thanusually hard u%.

'ac*& There is no ood offerin a lar e re/ard no/ that the thin is found.

= nter !ane /ith the ci arette case on a salver. Algernon ta es it atonce. !ane oes out.>

Algernon& thin that is rather mean of you, rnest, must say. =B%ens caseand e amines it.> -o/ever, it ma es no matter, for, no/ that loo at theinscri%tion inside, find that the thin isn2t yours after all.

'ac*& Bf course it2s mine. =Movin to him.> Aou have seen me /ith it ahundred times, and you have no ri ht /hatsoever to read /hat is /ritteninside. t is a very un entlemanly thin to read a %rivate ci arette case.

Algernon& Bh it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about /hat one shouldread and /hat one shouldn2t. More than half of modern culture de%ends on/hat one shouldn2t read.

'ac*& am ;uite a/are of the fact, and don2t %ro%ose to discuss modernculture. t isn2t the sort of thin one should tal of in %rivate. sim%ly /antmy ci arette case bac .

Algernon& Aes but this isn2t your ci arette case. This ci arette case is a %resent from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn2t no/any one of that name.

'ac*& (ell, if you /ant to no/, Cecily ha%%ens to be my aunt.

Algernon& Aour aunt

'ac*& Aes. Charmin old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbrid e (ells. 'ustive it bac to me, )l y.

Algernon& =*etreatin to bac of sofa.> +ut /hy does she call herself littleCecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbrid e (ells? =*eadin .> F0romlittle Cecily /ith her fondest love.2

'ac*& =Movin to sofa and neelin u%on it.> My dear fello/, /hat on earthis there in that? 4ome aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matterthat surely an aunt may be allo/ed to decide for herself. Aou seem to thinthat every aunt should be e actly li e your aunt That is absurd 0or-eaven2s sa e ive me bac my ci arette case. =0ollo/s Algernon round theroom.>

Algernon& Aes. +ut /hy does your aunt call you her uncle? F0rom littleCecily, /ith her fondest love to her dear Gncle 'ac .2 There is no ob


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may be, should call her o/n ne%he/ her uncle, can2t ;uite ma e out.+esides, your name isn2t 'ac at all it is rnest.

'ac*& t isn2t rnest it2s 'ac .

Algernon& Aou have al/ays told me it /as rnest. have introduced you toevery one as rnest. Aou ans/er to the name of rnest. Aou loo as if yourname /as rnest. Aou are the most earnest3loo in %erson ever sa/ in mylife. t is %erfectly absurd your sayin that your name isn2t rnest. t2s onyour cards. -ere is one of them. =Ta in it from case.> FMr. rnest(orthin , +. #, The )lbany.2 2ll ee% this as a %roof that your name is rnestif ever you attem%t to deny it to me, or to /endolen, or to any one else.=Puts the card in his %oc et.>

'ac*& (ell, my name is rnest in to/n and 'ac in the country, and the

ci arette case /as iven to me in the country.Algernon& Aes, but that does not account for the fact that your small )untCecily, /ho lives at Tunbrid e (ells, calls you her dear uncle. Come, old

boy, you had much better have the thin out at once.

'ac*& My dear )l y, you tal e actly as if you /ere a dentist. t is veryvul ar to tal li e a dentist /hen one isn2t a dentist. t %roduces a falseim%ression.

Algernon& (ell, that is e actly /hat dentists al/ays do. Eo/, o on Tell

me the /hole thin . may mention that have al/ays sus%ected you of beina confirmed and secret +unburyist and am ;uite sure of it no/.

'ac*& +unburyist? (hat on earth do you mean by a +unburyist?

Algernon& 2ll reveal to you the meanin of that incom%arable e %ression assoon as you are ind enou h to inform me /hy you are rnest in to/n and'ac in the country.

'ac*& (ell, %roduce my ci arette case first.

Algernon& -ere it is. =-ands ci arette case.> Eo/ %roduce your e %lanation,and %ray ma e it im%robable. =4its on sofa.>

'ac*& My dear fello/, there is nothin im%robable about my e %lanation atall. n fact it2s %erfectly ordinary. Bld Mr. Thomas Carde/, /ho ado%ted me/hen /as a little boy, made me in his /ill uardian to his rand3dau hter,Miss Cecily Carde/. Cecily, /ho addresses me as her uncle from motives ofres%ect that you could not %ossibly a%%reciate, lives at my %lace in the countryunder the char e of her admirable overness, Miss Prism.

Algernon& (here is that %lace in the country, by the /ay?


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'ac*& That is nothin to you, dear boy. Aou are not oin to be invited . . . may tell you candidly that the %lace is not in 4hro%shire.

Algernon& sus%ected that, my dear fello/ have +unburyed all over4hro%shire on t/o se%arate occasions. Eo/, o on. (hy are you rnest into/n and 'ac in the country?

'ac*& My dear )l y, don2t no/ /hether you /ill be able to understand myreal motives. Aou are hardly serious enou h. (hen one is %laced in the

%osition of uardian, one has to ado%t a very hi h moral tone on all sub


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/oman at all, or t/o. n the third %lace, no/ %erfectly /ell /hom she /ill %lace me ne t to, to3ni ht. 4he /ill %lace me ne t Mary 0ar;uhar, /hoal/ays flirts /ith her o/n husband across the dinner3table. That is not very

%leasant. ndeed, it is not even decent . . . and that sort of thin is enormouslyon the increase. The amount of /omen in London /ho flirt /ith their o/nhusbands is %erfectly scandalous. t loo s so bad. t is sim%ly /ashin one2sclean linen in %ublic. +esides, no/ that no/ you to be a confirmed+unburyist naturally /ant to tal to you about +unburyin . /ant to tellyou the rules.

'ac*& 2m not a +unburyist at all. f /endolen acce%ts me, am oin toill my brother, indeed thin 2ll ill him in any case. Cecily is a little toomuch interested in him. t is rather a bore. 4o am oin to et rid of rnest.)nd stron ly advise you to do the same /ith Mr. . . . /ith your invalid friend/ho has the absurd name.

Algernon& Eothin /ill induce me to %art /ith +unbury, and if you ever etmarried, /hich seems to me e tremely %roblematic, you /ill be very lad tono/ +unbury. ) man /ho marries /ithout no/in +unbury has a verytedious time of it.

'ac*& That is nonsense. f marry a charmin irl li e /endolen, and she isthe only irl ever sa/ in my life that /ould marry, certainly /on2t /ant tono/ +unbury.

Algernon& Then your /ife /ill. Aou don2t seem to realise, that in marriedlife three is com%any and t/o is none.

'ac*& =4ententiously.> That, my dear youn friend, is the theory that thecorru%t 0rench Drama has been %ro%oundin for the last fifty years.

Algernon& Aes and that the ha%%y n lish home has %roved in half the time.

'ac*& 0or heaven2s sa e, don2t try to be cynical. t2s %erfectly easy to becynical.

Algernon& My dear fello/, it isn2t easy to be anythin no/adays. There2ssuch a lot of beastly com%etition about. =The sound of an electric bell isheard.> )h that must be )unt )u usta. Bnly relatives, or creditors, ever rinin that (a nerian manner. Eo/, if et her out of the /ay for ten minutes, sothat you can have an o%%ortunity for %ro%osin to /endolen, may dine /ithyou to3ni ht at (illis2s?

'ac*& su%%ose so, if you /ant to.

Algernon& Aes, but you must be serious about it. hate %eo%le /ho are notserious about meals. t is so shallo/ of them.

= nter !ane .>


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!ane& Lady +rac nell and Miss 0airfa .

=Algernon oes for/ard to meet them. nter !adyBrac*nell and +,endolen .>

!ady Brac*nell& ood afternoon, dear )l ernon, ho%e you are behavinvery /ell.

Algernon& 2m feelin very /ell, )unt )u usta.

!ady Brac*nell& That2s not ;uite the same thin . n fact the t/o thin srarely o to ether. =4ees 'ac* and bo/s to him /ith icy coldness.>

Algernon& =To +,endolen .> Dear me, you are smart

+,endolen& am al/ays smart )m not, Mr. (orthin ?

'ac*& Aou2re ;uite %erfect, Miss 0airfa .+,endolen& Bh ho%e am not that. t /ould leave no room fordevelo%ments, and intend to develo% in many directions.=+,endolen and 'ac* sit do/n to ether in the corner.>

!ady Brac*nell& 2m sorry if /e are a little late, )l ernon, but /as obli edto call on dear Lady -arbury. hadn2t been there since her %oor husband2sdeath. never sa/ a /oman so altered she loo s ;uite t/enty years youn er.)nd no/ 2ll have a cu% of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sand/iches

you %romised me.Algernon& Certainly, )unt )u usta. = oes over to tea3table.>

!ady Brac*nell& (on2t you come and sit here, /endolen?

+,endolen& Than s, mamma, 2m ;uite comfortable /here am.

Algernon& =Pic in u% em%ty %late in horror.> ood heavens Lane (hyare there no cucumber sand/iches? ordered them s%ecially.

!ane& = ravely.> There /ere no cucumbers in the mar et this mornin , sir.

/ent do/n t/ice.Algernon& Eo cucumbers

!ane& Eo, sir. Eot even for ready money.

Algernon& That /ill do, Lane, than you.

!ane& Than you, sir. = oes out.>

Algernon& am reatly distressed, )unt )u usta, about there bein nocucumbers, not even for ready money.


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!ady Brac*nell& t really ma es no matter, )l ernon. had some crum%ets/ith Lady -arbury, /ho seems to me to be livin entirely for %leasure no/.

Algernon& hear her hair has turned ;uite old from rief.

!ady Brac*nell& t certainly has chan ed its colour. 0rom /hat cause , ofcourse, cannot say. = Algernon crosses and hands tea.> Than you. 2ve ;uitea treat for you to3ni ht, )l ernon. am oin to send you do/n /ith Mary0ar;uhar. 4he is such a nice /oman, and so attentive to her husband. t2sdeli htful to /atch them.

Algernon& am afraid, )unt )u usta, shall have to ive u% the %leasure ofdinin /ith you to3ni ht after all.

!ady Brac*nell& =0ro/nin .> ho%e not, )l ernon. t /ould %ut my tablecom%letely out. Aour uncle /ould have to dine u%stairs. 0ortunately he isaccustomed to that.

Algernon& t is a reat bore, and, need hardly say, a terrible disa%%ointmentto me, but the fact is have


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!ady Brac*nell& Than you, )l ernon. t is very thou htful of you. =*isin ,and follo/in Algernon .> 2m sure the %ro ramme /ill be deli htful, after afe/ e %ur ations. 0rench son s cannot %ossibly allo/. Peo%le al/ays seemto thin that they are im%ro%er, and either loo shoc ed, /hich is vul ar, orlau h, /hich is /orse. +ut erman sounds a thorou hly res%ectablelan ua e, and indeed, believe is so. /endolen, you /ill accom%any me.

+,endolen& Certainly, mamma.

=!ady Brac*nell and Algernon o into the music3room, +,endolen remains behind.>

'ac*& Charmin day it has been, Miss 0airfa .

+,endolen& Pray don2t tal to me about the /eather, Mr. (orthin .(henever %eo%le tal to me about the /eather, al/ays feel ;uite certain thatthey mean somethin else. )nd that ma es me so nervous.

'ac*& do mean somethin else.

+,endolen& thou ht so. n fact, am never /ron .

'ac*& )nd /ould li e to be allo/ed to ta e advanta e of Lady +rac nell2stem%orary absence . . .

+,endolen& /ould certainly advise you to do so. Mamma has a /ay ofcomin bac suddenly into a room that have often had to s%ea to her about.

'ac*& =Eervously.> Miss 0airfa , ever since met you have admired youmore than any irl . . . have ever met since . . . met you.

+,endolen& Aes, am ;uite /ell a/are of the fact. )nd often /ish that in %ublic, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative. 0or me you haveal/ays had an irresistible fascination. ven before met you /as far fromindifferent to you. = 'ac* loo s at her in amaHement.> (e live, as ho%e youno/, Mr. (orthin , in an a e of ideals. The fact is constantly mentioned inthe more e %ensive monthly ma aHines, and has reached the %rovincial

%ul%its, am told and my ideal has al/ays been to love some one of the nameof rnest. There is somethin in that name that ins%ires absolute confidence.The moment )l ernon first mentioned to me that he had a friend calledrnest, ne/ /as destined to love you.

'ac*& Aou really love me, /endolen?

+,endolen& Passionately

'ac*& Darlin Aou don2t no/ ho/ ha%%y you2ve made me.

+,endolen& My o/n rnest


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'ac*& +ut you don2t really mean to say that you couldn2t love me if my name/asn2t rnest?

+,endolen& +ut your name is rnest.

'ac*& Aes, no/ it is. +ut su%%osin it /as somethin else? Do you meanto say you couldn2t love me then?

+,endolen& = libly.> )h that is clearly a meta%hysical s%eculation, and li emost meta%hysical s%eculations has very little reference at all to the actualfacts of real life, as /e no/ them.

'ac*& Personally, darlin , to s%ea ;uite candidly, don2t much care about thename of rnest . . . don2t thin the name suits me at all.

+,endolen& t suits you %erfectly. t is a divine name. t has a music of its

o/n. t %roduces vibrations.'ac*& (ell, really, /endolen, must say that thin there are lots of othermuch nicer names. thin 'ac , for instance, a charmin name.

+,endolen& 'ac ? . . . Eo, there is very little music in the name 'ac , if anyat all, indeed. t does not thrill. t %roduces absolutely no vibrations . . . have no/n several 'ac s, and they all, /ithout e ce%tion, /ere more thanusually %lain. +esides, 'ac is a notorious domesticity for 'ohn )nd %ityany /oman /ho is married to a man called 'ohn. 4he /ould %robably never

be allo/ed to no/ the entrancin %leasure of a sin le moment2s solitude.The only really safe name is rnest.

'ac*& /endolen, must et christened at once@ mean /e must etmarried at once. There is no time to be lost.

+,endolen& Married, Mr. (orthin ?

'ac*& =)stounded.> (ell . . . surely. Aou no/ that love you, and you ledme to believe, Miss 0airfa , that you /ere not absolutely indifferent to me.

+,endolen& adore you. +ut you haven2t %ro%osed to me yet. Eothin has been said at all about marria e. The sub


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list as the dear Duchess of +olton has. (e /or to ether, in fact. -o/ever, am ;uite ready to enter your name, should your ans/ers be /hat a reallyaffectionate mother re;uires. Do you smo e?

'ac*& (ell, yes, must admit smo e.

!ady Brac*nell& am lad to hear it. ) man should al/ays have anoccu%ation of some ind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is.-o/ old are you?

'ac*& T/enty3nine.

!ady Brac*nell& ) very ood a e to be married at. have al/ays been ofo%inion that a man /ho desires to et married should no/ either everythinor nothin . (hich do you no/?

'ac*& =)fter some hesitation.> no/ nothin , Lady +rac nell.!ady Brac*nell& am %leased to hear it. do not a%%rove of anythin thattam%ers /ith natural i norance. norance is li e a delicate e otic fruit touchit and the bloom is one. The /hole theory of modern education is radicallyunsound. 0ortunately in n land, at any rate, education %roduces no effect/hatsoever. f it did, it /ould %rove a serious dan er to the u%%er classes, and

%robably lead to acts of violence in rosvenor 4;uare. (hat is your income?

'ac*& +et/een seven and ei ht thousand a year.

!ady Brac*nell& =Ma es a note in her boo .> n land, or in investments?'ac*& n investments, chiefly.

!ady Brac*nell& That is satisfactory. (hat bet/een the duties e %ected ofone durin one2s lifetime, and the duties e acted from one after one2s death,land has ceased to be either a %rofit or a %leasure. t ives one %osition, and

%revents one from ee%in it u%. That2s all that can be said about land.

'ac*& have a country house /ith some land, of course, attached to it, aboutfifteen hundred acres, believe but don2t de%end on that for my realincome. n fact, as far as can ma e out, the %oachers are the only %eo%le/ho ma e anythin out of it.

!ady Brac*nell& ) country house -o/ many bedrooms? (ell, that %ointcan be cleared u% after/ards. Aou have a to/n house, ho%e? ) irl /ith asim%le, uns%oiled nature, li e /endolen, could hardly be e %ected to residein the country.

'ac*& (ell, o/n a house in +el rave 4;uare, but it is let by the year to Lady+lo ham. Bf course, can et it bac /henever li e, at si months2 notice.

!ady Brac*nell& Lady +lo ham? don2t no/ her.


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'ac*& Bh, she oes about very little. 4he is a lady considerably advanced inyears.

!ady Brac*nell& )h, no/adays that is no uarantee of res%ectability ofcharacter. (hat number in +el rave 4;uare?

'ac*& 1#9.

!ady Brac*nell& =4ha in her head.> The unfashionable side. thou htthere /as somethin . -o/ever, that could easily be altered.

'ac*& Do you mean the fashion, or the side?

!ady Brac*nell& =4ternly.> +oth, if necessary, %resume. (hat are your %olitics?

'ac*& (ell, am afraid really have none. am a Liberal Gnionist.

!ady Brac*nell& Bh, they count as Tories. They dine /ith us. Br come inthe evenin , at any rate. Eo/ to minor matters. )re your %arents livin ?

'ac*& have lost both my %arents.

!ady Brac*nell& To lose one %arent, Mr. (orthin , may be re arded as amisfortune to lose both loo s li e carelessness. (ho /as your father? -e/as evidently a man of some /ealth. (as he born in /hat the *adical %a%erscall the %ur%le of commerce, or did he rise from the ran s of the aristocracy?

'ac*& am afraid really don2t no/. The fact is, Lady +rac nell, said had lost my %arents. t /ould be nearer the truth to say that my %arents seemto have lost me . . . don2t actually no/ /ho am by birth. /as . . . /ell, /as found.

!ady Brac*nell& 0ound

'ac*& The late Mr. Thomas Carde/, an old entleman of a very charitable andindly dis%osition, found me, and ave me the name of (orthin , because heha%%ened to have a first3class tic et for (orthin in his %oc et at the time.

(orthin is a %lace in 4usse . t is a seaside resort.!ady Brac*nell& (here did the charitable entleman /ho had a first3classtic et for this seaside resort find you?

'ac*& = ravely.> n a hand3ba .

!ady Brac*nell& ) hand3ba ?

'ac*& = ery seriously.> Aes, Lady +rac nell. /as in a hand3ba @asome/hat lar e, blac leather hand3ba , /ith handles to it@an ordinary hand3

ba in fact.


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!ady Brac*nell& n /hat locality did this Mr. 'ames, or Thomas, Carde/come across this ordinary hand3ba ?

'ac*& n the cloa 3room at ictoria 4tation. t /as iven to him in mista efor his o/n.

!ady Brac*nell& The cloa 3room at ictoria 4tation?

'ac*& Aes. The +ri hton line.

!ady Brac*nell& The line is immaterial. Mr. (orthin , confess feelsome/hat be/ildered by /hat you have 0oroodness2 sa e don2t %lay that hastly tune, )l y. -o/ idiotic you are

=The music sto%s and Algernon enters cheerily.>

Algernon& Didn2t it o off all ri ht, old boy? Aou don2t mean to say/endolen refused you? no/ it is a /ay she has. 4he is al/ays refusin

%eo%le. thin it is most ill3natured of her.


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'ac*& Bh, /endolen is as ri ht as a trivet. )s far as she is concerned, /eare en a ed. -er mother is %erfectly unbearable. Eever met such aor on . . . don2t really no/ /hat a or on is li e, but am ;uite sure thatLady +rac nell is one. n any case, she is a monster, /ithout bein a myth,/hich is rather unfair . . . be your %ardon, )l y, su%%ose shouldn2t talabout your o/n aunt in that /ay before you.

Algernon& My dear boy, love hearin my relations abused. t is the onlythin that ma es me %ut u% /ith them at all. *elations are sim%ly a tedious

%ac of %eo%le, /ho haven2t ot the remotest no/led e of ho/ to live, northe smallest instinct about /hen to die.

'ac*& Bh, that is nonsense

Algernon& t isn2t

'ac*& (ell, /on2t ar ue about the matter. Aou al/ays /ant to ar ue aboutthin s.

Algernon& That is e actly /hat thin s /ere ori inally made for.

'ac*& G%on my /ord, if thou ht that, 2d shoot myself . . . =) %ause.> Aoudon2t thin there is any chance of /endolen becomin li e her mother inabout a hundred and fifty years, do you, )l y?

Algernon& )ll /omen become li e their mothers. That is their tra edy. Eoman does. That2s his.

'ac*& s that clever?

Algernon& t is %erfectly %hrased and ;uite as true as any observation incivilised life should be.

'ac*& am sic to death of cleverness. verybody is clever no/adays. Aoucan2t o any/here /ithout meetin clever %eo%le. The thin has become anabsolute %ublic nuisance. /ish to oodness /e had a fe/ fools left.

Algernon& (e have.

'ac*& should e tremely li e to meet them. (hat do they tal about?

Algernon& The fools? Bh about the clever %eo%le, of course.

'ac*& (hat fools

Algernon& +y the /ay, did you tell /endolen the truth about your beinrnest in to/n, and 'ac in the country?

'ac*& = n a very %atronisin manner.> My dear fello/, the truth isn2t ;uite thesort of thin one tells to a nice, s/eet, refined irl. (hat e traordinary ideasyou have about the /ay to behave to a /oman


19/59

Algernon& The only /ay to behave to a /oman is to ma e love to her, if sheis %retty, and to some one else, if she is %lain.

'ac*& Bh, that is nonsense.

Algernon& (hat about your brother? (hat about the %rofli ate rnest?'ac*& Bh, before the end of the /ee shall have ot rid of him. 2ll say hedied in Paris of a%o%le y. Lots of %eo%le die of a%o%le y, ;uite suddenly,don2t they?

Algernon& Aes, but it2s hereditary, my dear fello/. t2s a sort of thin thatruns in families. Aou had much better say a severe chill.

'ac*& Aou are sure a severe chill isn2t hereditary, or anythin of that ind?

Algernon& Bf course it isn2t

'ac*& ery /ell, then. My %oor brother rnest to carried off suddenly, inParis, by a severe chill. That ets rid of him.

Algernon& +ut thou ht you said that . . . Miss Carde/ /as a little too muchinterested in your %oor brother rnest? (on2t she feel his loss a ood deal?

'ac*& Bh, that is all ri ht. Cecily is not a silly romantic irl, am lad tosay. 4he has ot a ca%ital a%%etite, oes lon /al s, and %ays no attention atall to her lessons.

Algernon& /ould rather li e to see Cecily.

'ac*& /ill ta e very ood care you never do. 4he is e cessively %retty, andshe is only Bh t al/ays is nearly seven.

Algernon& (ell, 2m hun ry.

'ac*& never ne/ you /hen you /eren2t . . .

Algernon& (hat shall /e do after dinner? o to a theatre?


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21/59

=Algernon , /ho has been carefully listenin , smiles to himself, and /rites theaddress on his shirt3cuff. Then %ic s u% the *ail/ay uide.>

+,endolen& There is a ood %ostal service, su%%ose? t may be necessaryto do somethin des%erate. That of course /ill re;uire serious consideration. /ill communicate /ith you daily.

'ac*& My o/n one

+,endolen& -o/ lon do you remain in to/n?

'ac*& Till Monday.

+,endolen& ood )l y, you may turn round no/.

Algernon& Than s, 2ve turned round already.

+,endolen& Aou may also rin the bell.'ac*& Aou /ill let me see you to your carria e, my o/n darlin ?

+,endolen& Certainly.

'ac*& =To !ane , /ho no/ enters.> /ill see Miss 0airfa out.

!ane& Aes, sir. = 'ac* and +,endolen o off.>

=!ane %resents several letters on a salver to Algernon . t is to be surmisedthat they are bills, as Algernon , after loo in at the envelo%es, tears them u%.>

Algernon& ) lass of sherry, Lane.

!ane& Aes, sir.

Algernon& To3morro/, Lane, 2m oin +unburyin .

!ane& Aes, sir.

Algernon& shall %robably not be bac till Monday. Aou can %ut u% my dressclothes, my smo in

Algernon& ho%e to3morro/ /ill be a fine day, Lane.

!ane& t never is, sir.

Algernon& Lane, you2re a %erfect %essimist.

!ane& do my best to ive satisfaction, sir.

= nter 'ac* . !ane oes off.>


22/59

'ac*& There2s a sensible, intellectual irl the only irl ever cared for in mylife. =Algernon is lau hin immoderately.> (hat on earth are you so amusedat?

Algernon& Bh, 2m a little an ious about %oor +unbury, that is all.

'ac*& f you don2t ta e care, your friend +unbury /ill et you into a seriousscra%e some day.

Algernon& love scra%es. They are the only thin s that are never serious.

'ac*& Bh, that2s nonsense, )l y. Aou never tal anythin but nonsense.

Algernon& Eobody ever does.

='ac* loo s indi nantly at him, and leaves the room. Algernon li hts aci arette, reads his shirt3cuff, and smiles.>

)CT D*BP

SECO $ ACT

SCE E

arden at the Manor -ouse. ) fli ht of rey stone ste%s leads u% to the

house. The arden, an old3fashioned one, full of roses. Time of year, 'uly.+as et chairs, and a table covered /ith boo s, are set under a lar e ye/3tree.

=(iss Prism discovered seated at the table. Cecily is at the bac /aterinflo/ers.>

(iss Prism& =Callin .> Cecily, Cecily 4urely such a utilitarian occu%ationas the /aterin of flo/ers is rather Moulton2s duty than yours? s%ecially at amoment /hen intellectual %leasures a/ait you. Aour erman rammar is onthe table. Pray o%en it at %a e fifteen. (e /ill re%eat yesterday2s lesson.

Cecily& =Comin over very slo/ly.> +ut don2t li e erman. t isn2t at all a becomin lan ua e. no/ %erfectly /ell that loo ;uite %lain after myerman lesson.

(iss Prism& Child, you no/ ho/ an ious your uardian is that you shouldim%rove yourself in every /ay. -e laid %articular stress on your erman, ashe /as leavin for to/n yesterday. ndeed, he al/ays lays stress on yourerman /hen he is leavin for to/n.

Cecily& Dear Gncle 'ac is so very serious 4ometimes he is so serious that thin he cannot be ;uite /ell.


23/59

(iss Prism& =Dra/in herself u%.> Aour uardian en


24/59

(iss Prism& )las no. The manuscri%t unfortunately /as abandoned.=Cecily starts.> use the /ord in the sense of lost or mislaid. To your /or ,child, these s%eculations are %rofitless.

Cecily& =4milin .> +ut see dear Dr. Chasuble comin u% throu h the arden.

(iss Prism& =*isin and advancin .> Dr. Chasuble This is indeed a %leasure.

= nter Canon Chasu-le .>

Chasu-le& )nd ho/ are /e this mornin ? Miss Prism, you are, trust, /ell?

Cecily& Miss Prism has s%o e meta%horically.@ My meta%hor /as dra/n from bees. )hem Mr. (orthin , su%%ose, has notreturned from to/n yet?

(iss Prism& (e do not e %ect him till Monday afternoon.

Chasu-le& )h yes, he usually li es to s%end his 4unday in London. -e is notone of those /hose sole aim is en ) classical allusion merely, dra/n from the Pa anauthors. shall see you both no doubt at venson ?

(iss Prism& thin , dear Doctor, /ill have a stroll /ith you. find have aheadache after all, and a /al mi ht do it ood.

Chasu-le& (ith %leasure, Miss Prism, /ith %leasure. (e mi ht o as far asthe schools and bac .

(iss Prism& That /ould be deli htful. Cecily, you /ill read your Politicalconomy in my absence. The cha%ter on the 0all of the *u%ee you may omit.


25/59

t is some/hat too sensational. ven these metallic %roblems have theirmelodramatic side.

= oes do/n the arden /ith $r& Chasu-le .>

Cecily& =Pic s u% boo s and thro/s them bac on table.> -orrid Politicalconomy -orrid eo ra%hy -orrid, horrid erman

= nter (erriman /ith a card on a salver.>

(erriman . Mr. rnest (orthin has FMr. rnest (orthin , +. #, The )lbany,(.2 Gncle 'ac 2s brother Did you tell him Mr. (orthin /as in to/n?

(erriman . Aes, Miss. -e seemed very much disa%%ointed. mentioned thatyou and Miss Prism /ere in the arden. -e said he /as an ious to s%ea toyou %rivately for a moment.

Cecily& )s Mr. rnest (orthin to come here. su%%ose you had better talto the house ee%er about a room for him.

(erriman . Aes, Miss.

=(erriman oes off.>

Cecily& have never met any really /ic ed %erson before. feel ratherfri htened. am so afraid he /ill loo -e does

Algernon& =*aisin his hat.> Aou are my little cousin Cecily, 2m sure.

Cecily& Aou are under some stran e mista e. am not little. n fact, believe am more than usually tall for my a e. = Algernon is rather ta en abac .> +ut am your cousin Cecily. Aou, see from your card, are Gncle 'ac 2s brother,my cousin rnest, my /ic ed cousin rnest.

Algernon& Bh am not really /ic ed at all, cousin Cecily. Aou mustn2tthin that am /ic ed.

Cecily& f you are not, then you have certainly been deceivin us all in a veryine cusable manner. ho%e you have not been leadin a double life,

%retendin to be /ic ed and bein really ood all the time. That /ould behy%ocrisy.

Algernon& =Loo s at her in amaHement.> Bh Bf course have been ratherrec less.

Cecily& am lad to hear it.


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27/59

Algernon& /ill. feel better already.

Cecily& Aou are loo in a little /orse.

Algernon& That is because am hun ry.

Cecily& -o/ thou htless of me. should have remembered that /hen one isoin to lead an entirely ne/ life, one re;uires re ular and /holesome meals.(on2t you come in?

Algernon& Than you. Mi ht have a buttonhole first? never have anya%%etite unless have a buttonhole first.

Cecily& ) Marechal Eiel? =Pic s u% scissors.>

Algernon& Eo, 2d sooner have a %in rose.

Cecily& (hy? =Cuts a flo/er.>Algernon& +ecause you are li e a %in rose, Cousin Cecily.

Cecily& don2t thin it can be ri ht for you to tal to me li e that. Miss Prismnever says such thin s to me.

Algernon& Then Miss Prism is a short3si hted old lady. = Cecily %uts the rosein his buttonhole.> Aou are the %rettiest irl ever sa/.

Cecily& Miss Prism says that all ood loo s are a snare.

Algernon& They are a snare that every sensible man /ould li e to be cau htin.

Cecily& Bh, don2t thin /ould care to catch a sensible man. shouldn2tno/ /hat to tal to him about.

=They %ass into the house. (iss Prism and $r& Chasu-le return.>

(iss Prism& Aou are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble. Aou should etmarried. ) misanthro%e can understand@a /omanthro%e, never

Chasu-le& =(ith a scholar2s shudder.> +elieve me, do not deserve soneolo istic a %hrase. The %rece%t as /ell as the %ractice of the PrimitiveChurch /as distinctly a ainst matrimony.

(iss Prism& =4ententiously.> That is obviously the reason /hy the PrimitiveChurch has not lasted u% to the %resent day. )nd you do not seem to realise,dear Doctor, that by %ersistently remainin sin le, a man converts himself intoa %ermanent %ublic tem%tation. Men should be more careful this verycelibacy leads /ea er vessels astray.

Chasu-le& +ut is a man not e;ually attractive /hen married?(iss Prism& Eo married man is ever attractive e ce%t to his /ife.


28/59

Chasu-le& )nd often, 2ve been told, not even to her.

(iss Prism& That de%ends on the intellectual sym%athies of the /oman.Maturity can al/ays be de%ended on. *i%eness can be trusted. Aoun /omenare reen. = $r& Chasu-le starts.> s%o e horticulturally. My meta%hor /asdra/n from fruits. +ut /here is Cecily?

Chasu-le& Perha%s she follo/ed us to the schools.

= nter 'ac* slo/ly from the bac of the arden. -e is dressed in the dee%estmournin , /ith cra%e hatband and blac loves.>

(iss Prism& Mr. (orthin

Chasu-le& Mr. (orthin ?

(iss Prism& This is indeed a sur%rise. (e did not loo for you till Mondayafternoon.

'ac*& =4ha es (iss Prism)s hand in a tra ic manner.> have returned sooner than e %ected. Dr. Chasuble, ho%e you are /ell?

Chasu-le& Dear Mr. (orthin , trust this arb of /oe does not beto en someterrible calamity?

'ac*& My brother.

(iss Prism& More shameful debts and e trava ance?

Chasu-le& 4till leadin his life of %leasure?

'ac*& =4ha in his head.> Dead

Chasu-le& Aour brother rnest dead?

'ac*& Juite dead.

(iss Prism& (hat a lesson for him trust he /ill %rofit by it.

Chasu-le& Mr. (orthin , offer you my sincere condolence. Aou have atleast the consolation of no/in that you /ere al/ays the most enerous andfor ivin of brothers.

'ac*& Poor rnest -e had many faults, but it is a sad, sad blo/.

Chasu-le& ery sad indeed. (ere you /ith him at the end?

'ac*& Eo. -e died abroad in Paris, in fact. had a tele ram last ni ht fromthe mana er of the rand -otel.

Chasu-le& (as the cause of death mentioned?

'ac*& ) severe chill, it seems.


29/59

(iss Prism& )s a man so/s, so shall he rea%.

Chasu-le& =*aisin his hand.> Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity Eone of usare %erfect. myself am %eculiarly susce%tible to drau hts. (ill the intermentta e %lace here?

'ac*& Eo. -e seems to have e %ressed a desire to be buried in Paris.

Chasu-le& n Paris =4ha es his head.> fear that hardly %oints to any veryserious state of mind at the last. Aou /ould no doubt /ish me to ma e somesli ht allusion to this tra ic domestic affliction ne t 4unday. = 'ac* %resses hishand convulsively.> My sermon on the meanin of the manna in the/ilderness can be ada%ted to almost any occasion, have %reached it at harvest celebrations,christenin s, confirmations, on days of humiliation and festal days. The last

time delivered it /as in the Cathedral, as a charity sermon on behalf of the4ociety for the Prevention of Discontent amon the G%%er Brders. The+isho%, /ho /as %resent, /as much struc by some of the analo ies dre/.

'ac*& )h that reminds me, you mentioned christenin s thin , Dr.Chasuble? su%%ose you no/ ho/ to christen all ri ht? = $r&Chasu-le loo s astounded.> mean, of course, you are continuallychristenin , aren2t you?

(iss Prism& t is, re ret to say, one of the *ector2s most constant duties inthis %arish. have often s%o en to the %oorer classes on the sub


30/59


31/59

'ac*& My brother is in the dinin 3room? don2t no/ /hat it all means. thin it is %erfectly absurd.

= nter Algernon and Cecily hand in hand. They come slo/ly u% to 'ac* .>

'ac*& ood heavens =Motions Algernon a/ay.>Algernon& +rother 'ohn, have come do/n from to/n to tell you that amvery sorry for all the trouble have iven you, and that intend to lead a better life in the future. = 'ac* lares at him and does not ta e his hand.>

Cecily& Gncle 'ac , you are not oin to refuse your o/n brother2s hand?

'ac*& Eothin /ill induce me to ta e his hand. thin his comin do/n heredis raceful. -e no/s %erfectly /ell /hy.

Cecily& Gncle 'ac , do be nice. There is some ood in every one. rnest has

Chasu-le& t2s %leasant, is it not, to see so %erfect a reconciliation? thin /emi ht leave the t/o brothers to ether.

(iss Prism& Cecily, you /ill come /ith us.

Cecily& Certainly, Miss Prism. My little tas of reconciliation is over.

Chasu-le& Aou have done a beautiful action to3day, dear child.


32/59

(iss Prism& (e must not be %remature in our

(erriman . have %ut Mr. rnest2s thin s in the room ne t to yours, sir. su%%ose that is all ri ht?

'ac*& (hat?

(erriman& Mr. rnest2s lu a e, sir. have un%ac ed it and %ut it in theroom ne t to your o/n.

'ac*& -is lu a e?(erriman& Aes, sir. Three %ortmanteaus, a dressin 3case, t/o hat3bo es, anda lar e luncheon3bas et.

Algernon& am afraid can2t stay more than a /ee this time.

'ac*& Merriman, order the do 3cart at once. Mr. rnest has been suddenlycalled bac to to/n.

(erriman& Aes, sir. = oes bac into the house.>

Algernon& (hat a fearful liar you are, 'ac . have not been called bac toto/n at all.

'ac*& Aes, you have.

Algernon& haven2t heard any one call me.

'ac*& Aour duty as a entleman calls you bac .

Algernon& My duty as a entleman has never interfered /ith my %leasures inthe smallest de ree.

'ac*& can ;uite understand that.

Algernon& (ell, Cecily is a darlin .

'ac*& Aou are not to tal of Miss Carde/ li e that. don2t li e it.

Algernon& (ell, don2t li e your clothes. Aou loo %erfectly ridiculous inthem. (hy on earth don2t you o u% and chan e? t is %erfectly childish to bein dee% mournin for a man /ho is actually stayin for a /hole /ee /ithyou in your house as a uest. call it rotes;ue.


33/59

'ac*& Aou are certainly not stayin /ith me for a /hole /ee as a uest oranythin else. Aou have ot to leave . . . by the four3five train.

Algernon& certainly /on2t leave you so lon as you are in mournin . t/ould be most unfriendly. f /ere in mournin you /ould stay /ith me, su%%ose. should thin it very un ind if you didn2t.

'ac*& (ell, /ill you o if chan e my clothes?

Algernon& Aes, if you are not too lon . never sa/ anybody ta e so lon todress, and /ith such little result.

'ac*& (ell, at any rate, that is better than bein al/ays over3dressed as youare.

Algernon& f am occasionally a little over3dressed, ma e u% for it by bein

al/ays immensely over3educated.'ac*& Aour vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outra e, and your %resencein my arden utterly absurd. -o/ever, you have ot to catch the four3five,and ho%e you /ill have a %leasant

Algernon& thin it has been a reat success. 2m in love /ith Cecily, andthat is everythin .

= nter Cecily at the bac of the arden. 4he %ic s u% the can and be ins to/ater the flo/ers.> +ut must see her before o, and ma e arran ements for another +unbury. )h, there she is.

Cecily& Bh, merely came bac to /ater the roses. thou ht you /ere /ithGncle 'ac .

Algernon& -e2s one to order the do 3cart for me.

Cecily& Bh, is he oin to ta e you for a nice drive?

Algernon& -e2s oin to send me a/ay.

Cecily& Then have /e ot to %art?

Algernon& am afraid so. t2s a very %ainful %artin .

Cecily& t is al/ays %ainful to %art from %eo%le /hom one has no/n for avery brief s%ace of time. The absence of old friends one can endure /ithe;uanimity. +ut even a momentary se%aration from anyone to /hom one has


34/59

= nter (erriman .>

(erriman& The do 3cart is at the door, sir. = Algernon loo s a%%ealin lyat Cecily .>

Cecily& t can /ait, Merriman for . . . five minutes.(erriman& Aes, Miss. = it (erriman .>

Algernon& ho%e, Cecily, shall not offend you if state ;uite fran ly ando%enly that you seem to me to be in every /ay the visible %ersonification ofabsolute %erfection.

Cecily& thin your fran ness does you reat credit, rnest. f you /ill allo/me, /ill co%y your remar s into my diary. = oes over to table and be ins/ritin in diary.>

Algernon& Do you really ee% a diary? 2d ive anythin to loo at it. May?

Cecily& Bh no. =Puts her hand over it.> Aou see, it is sim%ly a very younirl2s record of her o/n thou hts and im%ressions, and conse;uently meant for

%ublication. (hen it a%%ears in volume form ho%e you /ill order a co%y.+ut %ray, rnest, don2t sto%. deli ht in ta in do/n from dictation. havereached Fabsolute %erfection2. Aou can o on. am ;uite ready for more.

Algernon& =4ome/hat ta en abac .> )hem )hem

Cecily& Bh, don2t cou h, rnest. (hen one is dictatin one should s%eafluently and not cou h. +esides, don2t no/ ho/ to s%ell a cou h. =(ritesasAlgernon s%ea s.>

Algernon& =4%ea in very ra%idly.> Cecily, ever since first loo ed u%onyour /onderful and incom%arable beauty, have dared to love you /ildly,

%assionately, devotedly, ho%elessly.

Cecily& don2t thin that you should tell me that you love me /ildly, %assionately, devotedly, ho%elessly. -o%elessly doesn2t seem to ma e muchsense, does it?

Algernon& Cecily

= nter (erriman .>

(erriman& The do 3cart is /aitin , sir.

Algernon& Tell it to come round ne t /ee , at the same hour.

(erriman& =Loo s at Cecily , /ho ma es no si n.> Aes, sir.

=(erriman retires.>


35/59

Cecily& Gncle 'ac /ould be very much annoyed if he ne/ you /ere stayinon till ne t /ee , at the same hour.

Algernon& Bh, don2t care about 'ac . don2t care for anybody in the /hole/orld but you. love you, Cecily. Aou /ill marry me, /on2t you?

Cecily& Aou silly boy Bf course. (hy, /e have been en a ed for the lastthree months.

Algernon& 0or the last three months?

Cecily& Aes, it /ill be e actly three months on Thursday.

Algernon& +ut ho/ did /e become en a ed?

Cecily& (ell, ever since dear Gncle 'ac first confessed to us that he had ayoun er brother /ho /as very /ic ed and bad, you of course have formed thechief to%ic of conversation bet/een myself and Miss Prism. )nd of course aman /ho is much tal ed about is al/ays very attractive. Bne feels there must

be somethin in him, after all. daresay it /as foolish of me, but fell in love/ith you, rnest.

Algernon& Darlin )nd /hen /as the en a ement actually settled?

Cecily& Bn the 1#th of 0ebruary last. (orn out by your entire i norance ofmy e istence, determined to end the matter one /ay or the other, and after alon stru le /ith myself acce%ted you under this dear old tree here. The

ne t day bou ht this little rin in your name, and this is the little ban le /iththe true lover2s not %romised you al/ays to /ear.

Algernon& Did ive you this? t2s very %retty, isn2t it?

Cecily& Aes, you2ve /onderfully ood taste, rnest. t2s the e cuse 2veal/ays iven for your leadin such a bad life. )nd this is the bo in /hich ee% all your dear letters. =:neels at table, o%ens bo , and %roduces letterstied u% /ith blue ribbon.>

Algernon& My letters +ut, my o/n s/eet Cecily, have never /ritten youany letters.

Cecily& Aou need hardly remind me of that, rnest. remember only too /ellthat /as forced to /rite your letters for you. /rote al/ays three times a/ee , and sometimes oftener.

Algernon& Bh, do let me read them, Cecily?

Cecily& Bh, couldn2t %ossibly. They /ould ma e you far too conceited.=*e%laces bo .> The three you /rote me after had bro en off theen a ement are so beautiful, and so badly s%elled, that even no/ can hardlyread them /ithout cryin a little.


36/59

Algernon& +ut /as our en a ement ever bro en off?

Cecily& Bf course it /as. Bn the KKnd of last March. Aou can see the entry if you li e. =4ho/s diary.> FTo3day bro e off my en a ement /ith rnest. feel it is better to do so. The /eather still continues charmin .2

Algernon& +ut /hy on earth did you brea it off? (hat had done? haddone nothin at all. Cecily, am very much hurt indeed to hear you bro e itoff. Particularly /hen the /eather /as so charmin .

Cecily& t /ould hardly have been a really serious en a ement if it hadn2t been bro en off at least once. +ut for ave you before the /ee /as out.

Algernon& =Crossin to her, and neelin .> (hat a %erfect an el you are,Cecily.

Cecily& Aou dear romantic boy. =-e isses her, she %uts her fin ers throu hhis hair.> ho%e your hair curls naturally, does it?

Algernon& Aes, darlin , /ith a little hel% from others.

Cecily& am so lad.

Algernon& Aou2ll never brea off our en a ement a ain, Cecily?

Cecily& don2t thin could brea it off no/ that have actually met you.+esides, of course, there is the ;uestion of your name.

Algernon& Aes, of course. =Eervously.>

Cecily& Aou must not lau h at me, darlin , but it had al/ays been a irlishdream of mine to love some one /hose name /as rnest.=Algernon rises, Cecily also.> There is somethin in that name that seems toins%ire absolute confidence. %ity any %oor married /oman /hose husband isnot called rnest.

Algernon& +ut, my dear child, do you mean to say you could not love me if had some other name?

Cecily& +ut /hat name?

Algernon& Bh, any name you li e@)l ernon@for instance . . .

Cecily& +ut don2t li e the name of )l ernon.

Algernon& (ell, my o/n dear, s/eet, lovin little darlin , really can2t see/hy you should ob . . . if my name /as )l y, couldn2t you love me?


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Cecily& =*isin .> mi ht res%ect you, rnest, mi ht admire your character, but fear that should not be able to ive you my undivided attention.

Algernon& )hem Cecily =Pic in u% hat.> Aour *ector here is, su%%ose,thorou hly e %erienced in the %ractice of all the rites and ceremonials of theChurch?

Cecily& Bh, yes. Dr. Chasuble is a most learned man. -e has never /ritten asin le boo , so you can ima ine ho/ much he no/s.

Algernon& must see him at once on a most im%ortant christenin @ meanon most im%ortant business.

Cecily& Bh

Algernon& shan2t be a/ay more than half an hour.

Cecily& Considerin that /e have been en a ed since 0ebruary the 1#th, andthat only met you to3day for the first time, thin it is rather hard that youshould leave me for so lon a %eriod as half an hour. Couldn2t you ma e itt/enty minutes?

Algernon& 2ll be bac in no time.

=:isses her and rushes do/n the arden.>

Cecily& (hat an im%etuous boy he is li e his hair so much. must enter

his %ro%osal in my diary.= nter (erriman .>

(erriman& ) Miss 0airfa has

Cecily& Miss 0airfa su%%ose one of the many ood elderly /omen /hoare associated /ith Gncle 'ac in some of his %hilanthro%ic /or in London. don2t ;uite li e /omen /ho are interested in %hilanthro%ic /or . thin it isso for/ard of them.

= nter (erriman .>

(erriman& Miss 0airfa .


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= nter +,endolen .>

= it (erriman .>

Cecily& =)dvancin to meet her.> Pray let me introduce myself to you. My

name is Cecily Carde/.+,endolen& Cecily Carde/? =Movin to her and sha in hands.> (hat avery s/eet name 4omethin tells me that /e are oin to be reat friends. li e you already more than can say. My first im%ressions of %eo%le are never /ron .

Cecily& -o/ nice of you to li e me so much after /e have no/n each othersuch a com%aratively short time. Pray sit do/n.

+,endolen& =4till standin u%.> may call you Cecily, may not?

Cecily& (ith %leasure

+,endolen& )nd you /ill al/ays call me /endolen, /on2t you?

Cecily& f you /ish.

+,endolen& Then that is all ;uite settled, is it not?

Cecily& ho%e so. =) %ause. They both sit do/n to ether.>

+,endolen& Perha%s this mi ht be a favourable o%%ortunity for my

mentionin /ho am. My father is Lord +rac nell. Aou have never heard of %a%a, su%%ose?

Cecily& don2t thin so.

+,endolen& Butside the family circle, %a%a, am lad to say, is entirelyun no/n. thin that is ;uite as it should be. The home seems to me to bethe %ro%er s%here for the man. )nd certainly once a man be ins to ne lect hisdomestic duties he becomes %ainfully effeminate, does he not? )nd don2tli e that. t ma es men so very attractive. Cecily, mamma, /hose vie/s oneducation are remar ably strict, has brou ht me u% to be e tremely short3si hted it is %art of her system so do you mind my loo in at you throu h mylasses?

Cecily& Bh not at all, /endolen. am very fond of bein loo ed at.

+,endolen& =)fter e aminin Cecily carefully throu h a lor nette.> Aou arehere on a short visit, su%%ose.

Cecily& Bh no live here.

+,endolen& =4everely.> *eally? Aour mother, no doubt, or some femalerelative of advanced years, resides here also?


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Cecily& Bh no have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations.

+,endolen& ndeed?

Cecily& My dear uardian, /ith the assistance of Miss Prism, has the arduous

tas of loo in after me.+,endolen& Aour uardian?

Cecily& Aes, am Mr. (orthin 2s /ard.

+,endolen& Bh t is stran e he never mentioned to me that he had a /ard.-o/ secretive of him -e ro/s more interestin hourly. am not sure,ho/ever, that the ne/s ins%ires me /ith feelin s of unmi ed deli ht. =*isinand oin to her.> am very fond of you, Cecily have li ed you ever since met you +ut am bound to state that no/ that no/ that you are Mr.

(orthin 2s /ard, cannot hel% e %ressin a /ish you /ere@/ell, rnest never mentioned to me that he hada brother.

Cecily& am sorry to say they have not been on ood terms for a lon time.

+,endolen& )h that accounts for it. )nd no/ that thin of it have neverheard any man mention his brother. The sub


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Cecily& Juite sure. =) %ause.> n fact, am oin to be his.

+,endolen& = n;uirin ly.> be your %ardon?

Cecily& =*ather shy and confidin ly.> Dearest /endolen, there is no reason

/hy should ma e a secret of it to you. Bur little county ne/s%a%er is sure tochronicle the fact ne t /ee . Mr. rnest (orthin and are en a ed to bemarried.

+,endolen& =Juite %olitely, risin .> My darlin Cecily, thin there must besome sli ht error. Mr. rnest (orthin is en a ed to me. The announcement/ill a%%ear in the Morning Post on 4aturday at the latest.

Cecily& = ery %olitely, risin .> am afraid you must be under somemisconce%tion. rnest %ro%osed to me e actly ten minutes a o. =4ho/sdiary.>

+,endolen& = amines diary throu h her lor nettte carefully.> t is certainlyvery curious, for he as ed me to be his /ife yesterday afternoon at 5. !. fyou /ould care to verify the incident, %ray do so. =Produces diary of hero/n.> never travel /ithout my diary. Bne should al/ays have somethinsensational to read in the train. am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is anydisa%%ointment to you, but am afraid have the %rior claim.

Cecily& t /ould distress me more than can tell you, dear /endolen, if itcaused you any mental or %hysical an uish, but feel bound to %oint out that

since rnest %ro%osed to you he clearly has chan ed his mind.+,endolen& =Meditatively.> f the %oor fello/ has been entra%%ed into anyfoolish %romise shall consider it my duty to rescue him at once, and /ith afirm hand.

Cecily& =Thou htfully and sadly.> (hatever unfortunate entan lement mydear boy may have ot into, /ill never re%roach him /ith it after /e aremarried.

+,endolen& Do you allude to me, Miss Carde/, as an entan lement? Aou

are %resum%tuous. Bn an occasion of this ind it becomes more than a moralduty to s%ea one2s mind. t becomes a %leasure.

Cecily& Do you su est, Miss 0airfa , that entra%%ed rnest into anen a ement? -o/ dare you? This is no time for /earin the shallo/ masof manners. (hen see a s%ade call it a s%ade.

+,endolen& =4atirically.> am lad to say that have never seen a s%ade. tis obvious that our social s%heres have been /idely different.

= nter (erriman , follo/ed by the footman. -e carries a salver, table cloth,and %late stand. Cecily is about to retort. The %resence of the servantse ercises a restrainin influence, under /hich both irls chafe.>


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(erriman& 4hall lay tea here as usual, Miss?

Cecily& =4ternly, in a calm voice.> Aes, as usual. = (erriman be ins to cleartable and lay cloth. ) lon %ause. Cecily and +,endolen lare at eachother.>

+,endolen& )re there many interestin /al s in the vicinity, Miss Carde/?

Cecily& Bh yes a reat many. 0rom the to% of one of the hills ;uite closeone can see five counties.

+,endolen& 0ive counties don2t thin should li e that hate cro/ds.

Cecily& =4/eetly.> su%%ose that is /hy you live in to/n? = +,endolen bitesher li%, and beats her foot nervously /ith her %arasol.>

+,endolen& =Loo in round.> Juite a /ell3 e%t arden this is, Miss Carde/.

Cecily& 4o lad you li e it, Miss 0airfa .

+,endolen& had no idea there /ere any flo/ers in the country.

Cecily& Bh, flo/ers are as common here, Miss 0airfa , as %eo%le are inLondon.

+,endolen& Personally cannot understand ho/ anybody mana es to e istin the country, if anybody /ho is anybody does. The country al/ays bores meto death.

Cecily& )h This is /hat the ne/s%a%ers call a ricultural de%ression, is itnot? believe the aristocracy are sufferin very much from it Than you. =)side.> Detestableirl +ut re;uire tea

Cecily& =4/eetly.> 4u ar?

+,endolen& =4u%erciliously.> Eo, than you. 4u ar is not fashionable anymore. =Cecily loo s an rily at her, ta es u% the ton s and %uts four lum%s ofsu ar into the cu%.>

Cecily& =4everely.> Ca e or bread and butter?

+,endolen& = n a bored manner.> +read and butter, %lease. Ca e is rarelyseen at the best houses no/adays.

Cecily& =Cuts a very lar e slice of ca e, and %uts it on the tray.> -and that toMiss 0airfa .


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=(erriman does so, and oes out /ith footman. +,endolen drin s the teaand ma es a rimace. Puts do/n cu% at once, reaches out her hand to the

bread and butter, loo s at it, and finds it is ca e. *ises in indi nation.>

+,endolen& Aou have filled my tea /ith lum%s of su ar, and thou h as edmost distinctly for bread and butter, you have iven me ca e. am no/n forthe entleness of my dis%osition, and the e traordinary s/eetness of mynature, but /arn you, Miss Carde/, you may o too far.

Cecily& =*isin .> To save my %oor, innocent, trustin boy from themachinations of any other irl there are no len ths to /hich /ould not o.

+,endolen& 0rom the moment sa/ you distrusted you. felt that you/ere false and deceitful. am never deceived in such matters. My firstim%ressions of %eo%le are invariably ri ht.

Cecily& t seems to me, Miss 0airfa , that am tres%assin on your valuabletime. Eo doubt you have many other calls of a similar character to ma e inthe nei hbourhood.

= nter 'ac* .>

+,endolen& =Catchin si ht of him.> rnest My o/n rnest

'ac*& /endolen Darlin =Bffers to iss her.>

+,endolen& =Dra/s bac .> ) moment May as if you are en a ed to be

married to this youn lady? =Points to Cecily .>'ac*& =Lau hin .> To dear little Cecily Bf course not (hat could have %utsuch an idea into your %retty little head?

+,endolen& Than you. Aou may =Bffers her chee .>

Cecily& = ery s/eetly.> ne/ there must be some misunderstandin , Miss0airfa . The entleman /hose arm is at %resent round your /aist is myuardian, Mr. 'ohn (orthin .

+,endolen& be your %ardon?Cecily& This is Gncle 'ac .

+,endolen& =*ecedin .> 'ac Bh

= nter Algernon .>

Cecily& -ere is rnest.

Algernon& = oes strai ht over to Cecily /ithout noticin any one else.> Myo/n love =Bffers to iss her.>


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ine %erienced in doin anythin of the ind. -o/ever, /ill tell you ;uitefran ly that have no brother rnest. have no brother at all. never had a

brother in my life, and certainly have not the smallest intention of everhavin one in the future.

Cecily& =4ur%rised.> Eo brother at all?

'ac*& =Cheerily.> Eone

+,endolen& =4everely.> -ad you never a brother of any ind?

'ac*& =Pleasantly.> Eever. Eot even of any ind.

+,endolen& am afraid it is ;uite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is en a edto be married to any one.

Cecily& t is not a very %leasant %osition for a youn irl suddenly to findherself in. s it?

+,endolen& Let us o into the house. They /ill hardly venture to come after us there.

Cecily& Eo, men are so co/ardly, aren2t they?

=They retire into the house /ith scornful loo s.>

'ac*& This hastly state of thin s is /hat you call +unburyin , su%%ose?

Algernon& Aes, and a %erfectly /onderful +unbury it is. The most /onderful+unbury have ever had in my life.

'ac*& (ell, you2ve no ri ht /hatsoever to +unbury here.

Algernon& That is absurd. Bne has a ri ht to +unbury any/here onechooses. very serious +unburyist no/s that.

'ac*& 4erious +unburyist ood heavens

Algernon& (ell, one must be serious about somethin , if one /ants to haveany amusement in life. ha%%en to be serious about +unburyin . (hat onearth you are serious about haven2t ot the remotest idea. )bout everythin , should fancy. Aou have such an absolutely trivial nature.

'ac*& (ell, the only small satisfaction have in the /hole of this /retched business is that your friend +unbury is ;uite e %loded. Aou /on2t be able torun do/n to the country ;uite so often as you used to do, dear )l y. )nd avery ood thin too.

Algernon& Aour brother is a little off colour, isn2t he, dear 'ac ? Aou /on2t be able to disa%%ear to London ;uite so fre;uently as your /ic ed custom/as. )nd not a bad thin either.


45/59

'ac*& )s for your conduct to/ards Miss Carde/, must say that your ta inin a s/eet, sim%le, innocent irl li e that is ;uite ine cusable. To say nothinof the fact that she is my /ard.

Algernon& can see no %ossible defence at all for your deceivin a brilliant,clever, thorou hly e %erienced youn lady li e Miss 0airfa . To say nothinof the fact that she is my cousin.

'ac*& /anted to be en a ed to /endolen, that is all. love her.

Algernon& (ell, sim%ly /anted to be en a ed to Cecily. adore her.

'ac*& There is certainly no chance of your marryin Miss Carde/.

Algernon& don2t thin there is much li elihood, 'ac , of you and Miss0airfa bein united.

'ac*& (ell, that is no business of yours.

Algernon& f it /as my business, /ouldn2t tal about it. =+e ins to eatmuffins.> t is very vul ar to tal about one2s business. Bnly %eo%le li estoc 3bro ers do that, and then merely at dinner %arties.

'ac*& -o/ can you sit there, calmly eatin muffins /hen /e are in thishorrible trouble, can2t ma e out. Aou seem to me to be %erfectly heartless.

Algernon& (ell, can2t eat muffins in an a itated manner. The butter /ould

%robably et on my cuffs. Bne should al/ays eat muffins ;uite calmly. t isthe only /ay to eat them.

'ac*& say it2s %erfectly heartless your eatin muffins at all, under thecircumstances.

Algernon& (hen am in trouble, eatin is the only thin that consoles me.ndeed, /hen am in really reat trouble, as any one /ho no/s meintimately /ill tell you, refuse everythin e ce%t food and drin . )t the

%resent moment am eatin muffins because am unha%%y. +esides, am %articularly fond of muffins. =*isin .>

'ac*& =*isin .> (ell, that is no reason /hy you should eat them all in thatreedy /ay. =Ta es muffins from Algernon .>

Algernon& =Bfferin tea3ca e.> /ish you /ould have tea3ca e instead. don2t li e tea3ca e.

'ac*& ood heavens su%%ose a man may eat his o/n muffins in his o/narden.

Algernon& +ut you have


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'ac*& said it /as %erfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. Thatis a very different thin .

Algernon& That may be. +ut the muffins are the same. =-e seiHes themuffin3dish from 'ac* .>

'ac*& )l y, /ish to oodness you /ould o.

Algernon& Aou can2t %ossibly as me to o /ithout havin some dinner. t2sabsurd. never o /ithout my dinner. Eo one ever does, e ce%t ve etariansand %eo%le li e that. +esides have Bh, that is nonsense you are al/aystal in nonsense.

Algernon& 'ac , you are at the muffins a ain /ish you /ouldn2t. Thereare only t/o left. =Ta es them.> told you /as %articularly fond of muffins.

'ac*& +ut hate tea3ca e.

Algernon& (hy on earth then do you allo/ tea3ca e to be served u% for youruests? (hat ideas you have of hos%itality

'ac*& )l ernon have already told you to o. don2t /ant you here. (hydon2t you o


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Algernon& haven2t ;uite finished my tea yet and there is still one muffinleft. ='ac* roans, and sin s into a chair. Algernon still continues eatin .>

)CT D*BP

THIR$ ACT

SCE E

Mornin 3room at the Manor -ouse.

=+,endolen and Cecily are at the /indo/, loo in out into the arden.>

+,endolen& The fact that they did not follo/ us at once into the house, as

any one else /ould have done, seems to me to sho/ that they have some senseof shame left.

Cecily& They have been eatin muffins. That loo s li e re%entance.

+,endolen& =)fter a %ause.> They don2t seem to notice us at all. Couldn2tyou cou h?

Cecily& +ut haven2t ot a cou h.

+,endolen& They2re loo in at us. (hat effrontery

Cecily& They2re a%%roachin . That2s very for/ard of them.

+,endolen& Let us %reserve a di nified silence.

Cecily& Certainly. t2s the only thin to do no/. = nter 'ac* follo/ed by Algernon . They /histle some dreadful %o%ular air from a +ritish B%era.>

+,endolen& This di nified silence seems to %roduce an un%leasant effect.

Cecily& ) most distasteful one.

+,endolen& +ut /e /ill not be the first to s%ea .

Cecily& Certainly not.

+,endolen& Mr. (orthin , have somethin very %articular to as you.Much de%ends on your re%ly.

Cecily& /endolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, indlyans/er me the follo/in ;uestion. (hy did you %retend to be my uardian2s

brother?

Algernon& n order that mi ht have an o%%ortunity of meetin you.


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Cecily& =To +,endolen .> That certainly seems a satisfactory e %lanation,does it not?

+,endolen& Aes, dear, if you can believe him.

Cecily& don2t. +ut that does not affect the /onderful beauty of his ans/er.+,endolen& True. n matters of rave im%ortance, style, not sincerity is thevital thin . Mr. (orthin , /hat e %lanation can you offer to me for

%retendin to have a brother? (as it in order that you mi ht have ano%%ortunity of comin u% to to/n to see me as often as %ossible?

'ac*& Can you doubt it, Miss 0airfa ?

+,endolen& have the ravest doubts u%on the sub

Their e %lanations a%%ear to be ;uite satisfactory, es%ecially Mr. (orthin 2s.That seems to me to have the stam% of truth u%on it.

Cecily& am more than content /ith /hat Mr. Moncrieff said. -is voicealone ins%ires one /ith absolute credulity.

+,endolen& Then you thin /e should for ive them?

Cecily& Aes. mean no.

+,endolen& True had for otten. There are %rinci%les at sta e that one

cannot surrender. (hich of us should tell them? The tas is not a %leasantone.

Cecily& Could /e not both s%ea at the same time?

+,endolen& )n e cellent idea nearly al/ays s%ea at the same time asother %eo%le. (ill you ta e the time from me?

Cecily& Certainly. = +,endolen beats time /ith u%lifted fin er.>

+,endolen and Cecily =4%ea in to ether.> Aour Christian names are still aninsu%erable barrier. That is all

'ac* and Algernon =4%ea in to ether.> Bur Christian names s that all?+ut /e are oin to be christened this afternoon.

+,endolen& =To 'ac* .> 0or my sa e you are %re%ared to do this terriblethin ?

'ac*& am.

Cecily& =To Algernon .> To %lease me you are ready to face this fearfulordeal?

Algernon& am


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+,endolen& -o/ absurd to tal of the e;uality of the se es (here;uestions of self3sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.

'ac*& (e are. =Clas%s hands /ith Algernon .>

Cecily& They have moments of %hysical coura e of /hich /e /omen no/absolutely nothin .

+,endolen& =To 'ac* .> Darlin

Algernon& =To Cecily .> Darlin =They fall into each other2s arms.>

= nter (erriman . (hen he enters he cou hs loudly, seein the situation.>

(erriman& )hem )hem Lady +rac nell

'ac*& ood heavens

= nter !ady Brac*nell . The cou%les se%arate in alarm. it (erriman .>

!ady Brac*nell& /endolen (hat does this mean?

+,endolen& Merely that am en a ed to be married to Mr. (orthin ,mamma.

!ady Brac*nell& Come here. 4it do/n. 4it do/n immediately. -esitationof any ind is a si n of mental decay in the youn , of %hysical /ea ness in theold. =Turns to 'ac* .> )%%rised, sir, of my dau hter2s sudden fli ht by her

trusty maid, /hose confidence %urchased by means of a small coin, follo/ed her at once by a lu a e train. -er unha%%y father is, am lad tosay, under the im%ression that she is attendin a more than usually len thylecture by the Gniversity tension 4cheme on the nfluence of a %ermanentincome on Thou ht. do not %ro%ose to undeceive him. ndeed have neverundeceived him on any ;uestion. /ould consider it /ron . +ut of course,you /ill clearly understand that all communication bet/een yourself and mydau hter must cease immediately from this moment. Bn this %oint, as indeedon all %oints, am firm.

'ac*& am en a ed to be married to /endolen Lady +rac nell!ady Brac*nell& Aou are nothin of the ind, sir. )nd no/, as re ards)l ernon . . . )l ernon

Algernon& Aes, )unt )u usta.

!ady Brac*nell& May as if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr.+unbury resides?

Algernon& =4tammerin .> Bh Eo +unbury doesn2t live here. +unbury issome/here else at %resent. n fact, +unbury is dead.


50/59

!ady Brac*nell& Dead (hen did Mr. +unbury die? -is death must have been e tremely sudden.

Algernon& =)irily.> Bh illed +unbury this afternoon. mean %oor+unbury died this afternoon.

!ady Brac*nell& (hat did he die of?

Algernon& +unbury? Bh, he /as ;uite e %loded.

!ady Brac*nell& %loded (as he the victim of a revolutionary outra e? /as not a/are that Mr. +unbury /as interested in social le islation. f so, heis /ell %unished for his morbidity.

Algernon& My dear )unt )u usta, mean he /as found out The doctorsfound out that +unbury could not live, that is /hat mean@so +unbury died.

!ady Brac*nell& -e seems to have had reat confidence in the o%inion of his %hysicians. am lad, ho/ever, that he made u% his mind at the last to somedefinite course of action, and acted under %ro%er medical advice. )nd no/that /e have finally ot rid of this Mr. +unbury, may as , Mr. (orthin , /hois that youn %erson /hose hand my ne%he/ )l ernon is no/ holdin in /hatseems to me a %eculiarly unnecessary manner?

'ac*& That lady is Miss Cecily Carde/, my /ard. = !ady Brac*nell bo/scoldly to Cecily .>

Algernon& am en a ed to be married to Cecily, )unt )u usta.!ady Brac*nell& be your %ardon?

Cecily& Mr. Moncrieff and are en a ed to be married, Lady +rac nell.

!ady Brac*nell& =(ith a shiver, crossin to the sofa and sittin do/n.> donot no/ /hether there is anythin %eculiarly e citin in the air of this

%articular %art of -ertfordshire, but the number of en a ements that o onseems to me considerably above the %ro%er avera e that statistics have laiddo/n for our uidance. thin some %reliminary in;uiry on my %art /ouldnot be out of %lace. Mr. (orthin , is Miss Carde/ at all connected /ith anyof the lar er rail/ay stations in London? merely desire information. Gntilyesterday had no idea that there /ere any families or %ersons /hose ori in/as a Terminus. = 'ac* loo s %erfectly furious, but restrains himself.>

'ac*& = n a clear, cold voice.> Miss Carde/ is the rand3dau hter of the lateMr. Thomas Carde/ of 1#9 +el rave 4;uare, 4.(. ervase Par , Dor in ,4urrey and the 4%orran, 0ifeshire, E.+.

!ady Brac*nell& That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses al/ays

ins%ire confidence, even in tradesmen. +ut /hat %roof have of theirauthenticity?


51/59

'ac*& have carefully %reserved the Court uides of the %eriod. They areo%en to your ins%ection, Lady +rac nell.

!ady Brac*nell& = rimly.> have no/n stran e errors in that %ublication.

'ac*& Miss Carde/2s family solicitors are Messrs. Mar by, Mar by, andMar by.

!ady Brac*nell& Mar by, Mar by, and Mar by? ) firm of the very hi hest %osition in their %rofession. ndeed am told that one of the Mr. Mar by2s isoccasionally to be seen at dinner %arties. 4o far am satisfied.

'ac*& = ery irritably.> -o/ e tremely ind of you, Lady +rac nell havealso in my %ossession, you /ill be %leased to hear, certificates of MissCarde/2s birth, ba%tism, /hoo%in cou h, re istration, vaccination,confirmation, and the measles both the erman and the n lish variety.

!ady Brac*nell& )h ) life cro/ded /ith incident, see thou h %erha%ssome/hat too e citin for a youn irl. am not myself in favour of

%remature e %eriences. =*ises, loo s at her /atch.> /endolen the timea%%roaches for our de%arture. (e have not a moment to lose. )s a matter ofform, Mr. (orthin , had better as you if Miss Carde/ has any littlefortune?

'ac*& Bh about a hundred and thirty thousand %ounds in the 0unds. That isall. oodbye, Lady +rac nell. 4o %leased to have seen you.

!ady Brac*nell& =4ittin do/n a ain.> ) moment, Mr. (orthin . ) hundredand thirty thousand %ounds )nd in the 0unds Miss Carde/ seems to me amost attractive youn lady, no/ that loo at her. 0e/ irls of the %resent dayhave any really solid ;ualities, any of the ;ualities that last, and im%rove /ithtime. (e live, re ret to say, in an a e of surfaces. =To Cecily .> Come overhere, dear. = Cecily oes across.> Pretty child your dress is sadly sim%le, andyour hair seems almost as Eature mi ht have left it. +ut /e can soon alter allthat. ) thorou hly e %erienced 0rench maid %roduces a really marvellousresult in a very brief s%ace of time. remember recommendin one to youn

Lady Lancin , and after three months her o/n husband did not no/ her.'ac*& )nd after si months nobody ne/ her.

!ady Brac*nell& = lares at 'ac* for a fe/ moments. Then bends, /ith a %ractised smile, to Cecily .> :indly turn round, s/eet child. = Cecily turnscom%letely round.> Eo, the side vie/ is /hat /ant. = Cecily %resents her

%rofile.> Aes, ;uite as e %ected. There are distinct social %ossibilities inyour %rofile. The t/o /ea %oints in our a e are its /ant of %rinci%le and its/ant of %rofile. The chin a little hi her, dear. 4tyle lar ely de%ends on the/ay the chin is /orn. They are /orn very hi h,


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!ady Brac*nell& There are distinct social %ossibilities in Miss Carde/2s %rofile.

Algernon& Cecily is the s/eetest, dearest, %rettiest irl in the /hole /orld.)nd don2t care t/o%ence about social %ossibilities.

!ady Brac*nell& Eever s%ea disres%ectfully of 4ociety, )l ernon. Bnly %eo%le /ho can2t et into it do that. =To Cecily .> Dear child, of course youno/ that )l ernon has nothin but his debts to de%end u%on. +ut do nota%%rove of mercenary marria es. (hen married Lord +rac nell had nofortune of any ind. +ut never dreamed for a moment of allo/in that tostand in my /ay. (ell, su%%ose must ive my consent.

Algernon& Than you, )unt )u usta.

!ady Brac*nell& Cecily, you may iss me

Cecily& =:isses her.> Than you, Lady +rac nell.

!ady Brac*nell& Aou may also address me as )unt )u usta for the future.

Cecily& Than you, )unt )u usta.

!ady Brac*nell& The marria e, thin , had better ta e %lace ;uite soon.

Algernon& Than you, )unt )u usta.

Cecily& Than you, )unt )u usta.

!ady Brac*nell& To s%ea fran ly, am not in favour of lon en a ements.They ive %eo%le the o%%ortunity of findin out each other2s character beforemarria e, /hich thin is never advisable.

'ac*& be your %ardon for interru%tin you, Lady +rac nell, but thisen a ement is ;uite out of the ;uestion. am Miss Carde/2s uardian, andshe cannot marry /ithout my consent until she comes of a e. That consent absolutely decline to ive.

!ady Brac*nell& G%on /hat rounds may as ? )l ernon is an e tremely, may almost say an ostentatiously, eli ible youn man. -e has nothin , but heloo s everythin . (hat more can one desire?

'ac*& t %ains me very much to have to s%ea fran ly to you, Lady +rac nell,about your ne%he/, but the fact is that do not a%%rove at all of his moralcharacter. sus%ect him of bein untruthful. = Algernon and Cecily loo athim in indi nant amaHement.>

!ady Brac*nell& Gntruthful My ne%he/ )l ernon? m%ossible -e is anB onian.


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'ac*& fear there can be no %ossible doubt about the matter. This afternoondurin my tem%orary absence in London on an im%ortant ;uestion ofromance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false %retence of

bein my brother. Gnder an assumed name he dran , 2ve Come here, s/eet child. = Cecily oes over.>-o/ old are you, dear?

Cecily& (ell, am really only ei hteen, but al/ays admit to t/enty /hen o to evenin %arties.

!ady Brac*nell& Aou are %erfectly ri ht in ma in some sli ht alteration.ndeed, no /oman should ever be ;uite accurate about her a e. t loo s socalculatin . . . = n a meditative manner.> i hteen, but admittin to t/enty atevenin %arties. (ell, it /ill not be very lon before you are of a e and freefrom the restraints of tutela e. 4o don2t thin your uardian2s consent is,after all, a matter of any im%ortance.

'ac*& Pray e cuse me, Lady +rac nell, for interru%tin you a ain, but it isonly fair to tell you that accordin to the terms of her randfather2s /ill MissCarde/ does not come le ally of a e till she is thirty3five.

!ady Brac*nell& That does not seem to me to be a rave ob


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Cecily& Aes, felt it instinctively, but couldn2t /ait all that time. hate/aitin even five minutes for anybody. t al/ays ma es me rather cross. am not %unctual myself, no/, but do li e %unctuality in others, and/aitin , even to be married, is ;uite out of the ;uestion.

Algernon& Then /hat is to be done, Cecily?

Cecily& don2t no/, Mr. Moncrieff.

!ady Brac*nell& My dear Mr. (orthin , as Miss Carde/ states %ositivelythat she cannot /ait till she is thirty3five@a remar /hich am bound to sayseems to me to sho/ a some/hat im%atient nature@ /ould be of you toreconsider your decision.

'ac*& +ut my dear Lady +rac nell, the matter is entirely in your o/n hands.The moment you consent to my marria e /ith /endolen, /ill most ladlyallo/ your ne%he/ to form an alliance /ith my /ard.

!ady Brac*nell& =*isin and dra/in herself u%.> Aou must be ;uite a/arethat /hat you %ro%ose is out of the ;uestion.

'ac*& Then a %assionate celibacy is all that any of us can loo for/ard to.

!ady Brac*nell& That is not the destiny %ro%ose for /endolen. )l ernon,of course, can choose for himself. =Pulls out her /atch.> Come, dear,=+,endolen rises> /e have already missed five, if not si , trains. To miss anymore mi ht e %ose us to comment on the %latform.

= nter $r& Chasu-le .>

Chasu-le& verythin is ;uite ready for the christenin s.

!ady Brac*nell& The christenin s, sir s not that some/hat %remature?

Chasu-le& =Loo in rather %uHHled, and %ointin to 'ac* and Algernon .>+oth these entlemen have e %ressed a desire for immediate ba%tism.

!ady Brac*nell& )t their a e? The idea is rotes;ue and irreli ious

)l ernon, forbid you to be ba%tiHed. /ill not hear of such e cesses. Lord+rac nell /ould be hi hly dis%leased if he learned that that /as the /ay in/hich you /asted your time and money.

Chasu-le& )m to understand then that there are to be no christenin s at allthis afternoon?

'ac*& don2t thin that, as thin s are no/, it /ould be of much %racticalvalue to either of us, Dr. Chasuble.

Chasu-le& am rieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. (orthin .

They savour of the heretical vie/s of the )naba%tists, vie/s that havecom%letely refuted in four of my un%ublished sermons. -o/ever, as your


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%resent mood seems to be one %eculiarly secular, /ill return to the church atonce. ndeed, have Miss Prism Did hear you mention a MissPrism?

Chasu-le& Aes, Lady +rac nell. am on my /ay to 4he is the most cultivated of ladies, andthe very %icture of res%ectability.

!ady Brac*nell& t is obviously the same %erson. May as /hat %ositionshe holds in your household?

Chasu-le& =4everely.> am a celibate, madam.

'ac*& = nter%osin .> Miss Prism, Lady +rac nell, has been for the last threeyears Miss Carde/2s esteemed overness and valued com%anion.

!ady Brac*nell& n s%ite of /hat hear of her, must see her at once. Lether be sent for.

Chasu-le& =Loo in off.> 4he a%%roaches she is ni h.= nter (iss Prism hurriedly.>

(iss Prism& /as told you e %ected me in the vestry, dear Canon. have been /aitin for you there for an hour and three3;uarters. =Catches si htof !ady Brac*nell , /ho has fi ed her /ith a stony lare. (iss Prism ro/s

%ale and ;uails. 4he loo s an iously round as if desirous to esca%e.>

!ady Brac*nell& = n a severe, Prism = (iss Prism bo/s her head in shame.> Come here, Prism = (iss Prism a%%roaches in a humble

manner.> Prism (here is that baby? = eneral consternation.The Canon starts bac in horror. Algernon and 'ac* %retend to be an ious toshield Cecily and +,endolen from hearin the details of a terrible %ublicscandal.> T/enty3ei ht years a o, Prism, you left Lord +rac nell2s house,

Eumber 1!#, G%%er rosvenor 4treet, in char e of a %erambulator thatcontained a ba

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