THE HIDDEN DATA OF COMMUNICATION

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You must all be wondering what is this hidden data which is a part of communication?

In fact, it is a very important part of communication. I would go so far as to say that it constitutes nearly 50% of communication. Obtaining this hidden data, and interpreting it correctly, will go a long way in making us effective interpersonally.

Hidden data

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• The importance of feelings in communication.• How to deal with feelings.• The importance of developing assertive skills.• The development of self-confidence.

We shall be considering the following things

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• Please give your name, and before the name add an adjective starting with the first letter of the name. And then mention what you really like doing in an alliterative form. For example,

• Someone can say: I am generous Geeta, and I love giving gifts.

Re introduction

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Feelings Emotions

What is a Siberian Dilemma?

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IQ Vs EQ

IQ EQ

Gets you hired

Gets you promoted

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Flight to the moonActivity

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Awareness and labeling.

Taking action.

Reporting your feelings.

Feel it now, deal with it later.

4 Steps in dealing with feelings

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1. The feelings build up inside us, causing stress, which would lead further to psychosomatic diseases.

2. Worse still, these stresses could turn into resentment, and build up to such levels that they come bursting out when we least expect it and don’t want it to.

3. We may unknowingly express the ignored feelings in the form of sarcastic statements, negative body language, or even indirect statements.

Come back to haunt us in 3 different ways:

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• Card 1: SCARED – ANGRY – IMPATIENT

• Card 2: HAPPY – CONFUSED – RESTLESS

• Card 3: DEPRESSED – PESSIMISTIC – FRUSTRATED

• Card 4: ENTHUSIASTIC – FRUSTRATED – OPTIMISTIC

• Card 5: REALLY ANGRY – UNDECIDED – BORED

Let us actActivity

Assertiveness Skills

Workshop

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Do you…

• Find it impossible to say “No”?

• Agree to do things because it is expected of you?

• Go on a holiday/dinner you don’t want because everyone else wants to go there?

• Lend money and then feel hesitant to ask for it back?

• Eat food you don’t like rather than send it back?

• Don’t want to give negative feedback as the person may feel hurt?

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• Stand up for what I want and state my needs clearly.

• Choose a behavior consciously and be willing to live with that choice and the consequences.

• Value myself and my thoughts. Treat myself and others with equal respect.

How should I treat myself?

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What is Assertiveness?

• Ability to express thoughts, feelings, needs and desires- open, honest, direct and appropriate manner.

• Aim to promote communication, solve the problem and get the best result; a win-win solution.

• Stands up for his/her tastes, desires, values and opinions while respecting other peoples ideas and opinions, not necessarily agreeing to them.

What is Assertiveness?

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• Expressing yourself with empathy

• Looking for areas of agreement

• Staying open to different options/choices for mutual gain (win-win)

It is a learned skill which enables us to communicate effectively.

The three skills of Assertiveness:

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How does Assertiveness help?

Assertiveness helps us to

• Increase our self-esteem.

• Feel self-confident.

• Develop our communication skills.

• Gain the respect of others.

• Improve our decision-making ability.

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Recap of what we have learnt so far…

4 groups to make a presentation on one of the behaviors:

a. State of mind

b. Manifested behavior

c. Respect for self and others

d. Impact on relationship-Long Term and Short Term

e. Active listening skills used

f. Discuss the case study given

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• To Assert means-to affirm positively, assuredly, plainly and strongly.

• Assertiveness is about finding a middle way between aggression and passivity that best respects the personal boundaries of all relationships.

• Assertive people defend themselves when someone else attempts to dominate them using their honesty and values to express themselves clearly.

Assertiveness

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The feeling:

• Its okay for me to feel the way I do.

• I respect you but want you to respect me too.

• I can decide to be assertive in appropriate situations

• I understand that certain people may not be happy with my decision, and I will accept the incompatibility.

Assertive Win-Win

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TYPES OF BEHAVIOUR

ASSERTIVE

State of Mind:

Showing Respect:

Behavior:

Impact:

Active Listening Skills:

confident, seeks solutions, conviction, clarity.

respects self and others.

approachable,reasonable, listens,negotiates influences.

(Short - term) favorable;

(Long- term) creates comfort.

Good active listening skills.

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• Passivity, on the other hand is about willingness without desire.

• A Passive individual is concerned with being liked and accepted that he/she may never recognize the need to be straightforward.

• A Passive person may listen but not accurately because often too anxious to concentrate. The processing gets lost because of the attempt to win acceptance from others

Passive

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The feeling:

• My needs are less important• I can’t do anything about it• Whatever I say or do will make no difference, so why try?• I wonder what they are thinking of me? Perhaps they'll

misunderstand my silence• Nobody EVER bothers to find out how I’m feeling• Others do not understand me

Passive Lose-Win

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TYPES OF BEHAVIOUR

PASSIVE

State of Mind:

Showing Respect:

Behavior:

Impact:

Active Listening Skills:

uncertain, fears confrontation,confused.

respects others, but not self.

does not say NO, does not say what he means.

(Short - term) favorable;

(Long- term) taken for granted.

none

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• Aggression is about dominance.

• Defend their own rights and work to achieve their goals, likely to disregard the rights of others.

• Their needs and feelings are more important than others.

• Does not listen well to others as the person is too preoccupied with his/her perspectives. Hence tends to get angry and defensive.

• Focuses more on his own desires and how to use others to achieve them.

Aggression

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The feelings:

It does not matter what the argument is about, I have to win.

I don’t care if others are right or wrong, I only care about what I feel.

I don’t want to hear what they have to say for themselves.

Aggressive Win-Lose

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TYPES OF BEHAVIOUR

AGGRESSIVE

State of Mind:

Showing Respect:

Behavior:

Impact:

Active Listening Skills:

I’m always right, to always win, insecure.

respects self, but not others.

dominant,impolite,unfriendly. confrontationist.

(Short - term) OK; (Long- term) negative.

does not even listen.

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• Flattery• Lying• Cheating• Pretension• Pitting one person against

the other

• Need to be more honest and considerate of themselves and others.

• Believe others are trying to exploit them, so its alright to exploit others.

Passive -aggressive(manipulative)

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TYPES OF BEHAVIOUR

PASSIVE- AGGRESSIVE

State of Mind:

Showing Respect:

Behavior:

Impact:

Active Listening Skills:

fear, win at any cost, vindictive.

respects self little, others not much.

flattery, deceitful,

does not mean what he says.

(Short - term) may be +ve;

(Long- term) negative.

pretended active listening skills.

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Activity to check behaviors

Share the chair

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BEHAVIOUR AND ASSERTIVENESS

Assertiveness is NOT a perfect behavior.

Our behavior will depend on the situation.

This behavior will lead to consequences.

Can we live with the consequences?

Assertiveness is a very conscious choice:

It is your willingness to make choices about your actions,

And your willingness to live with the consequencesof that behavior.

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BEHAVIOUR AND ASSERTIVENESS

So, it is important to remember that

It is not the behavior that determines assertiveness.

Assertiveness is the willingness to livewith the consequences of that behavior.

Let us attempt the ‘Cold Soup’ case-studyon page 8.

Important factor differentiating various behavior is the assumption/belief that we have about ourselves.

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ASSERTIVENESS INHIBITORS

• CONSEQUENCES.

• RELATIONSHIPS.

• BELIEFS.

• STAKE.

• KNOWLEDGE (or LACK OF IT).

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TOOLS OF ASSERTIVENESS

FOGGING

• Acknowledging the truth, but refusing to be drawn into a debate.• It is neither outright denial nor outright acceptance.

• Use of words like ‘Maybe’, ‘Perhaps’, ‘It may seem like that’, ‘It’s possible it appears to you like that…” etc.

• Avoid use of the word ‘BUT.’

• Fogging is used when there is a lot of emotionality in the atmosphere. Empathy is also used along with fogging to dissipate the emotional energy.

• Fogging is used to handle criticism, and disarm the critic.

Broken Record

• Being Persistent

• Stick to the point

• Remain focused

• Calm and relaxed, no anxiety

• Neutral emotion

TOOLS OF ASSERTIVENESS

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TOOLS OF ASSERTIVENESS

NEGATIVE ASSERTION

• Allows you to agree to fair criticism.• You can also say something negative about yourself.• You can apologize to the critic sincerely.

• Used when affirming or accepting charges made by others

NEGATIVE ENQUIRY

• Asking questions which could lead to you hearing something negative about yourself.• Invite criticism to find out why someone is angry, critical or displeased.

• You find out if the reason is valid.

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TOOLS OF ASSERTIVENESS

SELF - DISCLOSURE

• Recognizing and expressing your feelings.

• Talking about your feelings; sharing your feelings with others.

• It becomes easier for you to be direct.

• Used when you are checking why someone said or did something.

• “I” statements are used for self-disclosure.

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TOOLS OF ASSERTIVENESSFREE INFORMATION

• Latching on to other information in the conversation, and picking up that information for further use.

• Example - “So what did the client say?”

• Used in any situation to get more information.

BODY LANGUAGE• Comfortable eye contact.• Relaxed facial expressions.• Relaxed gestures.• Respect for personal space.

• Relaxed posture.• Calm voice and speech pattern.

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WORKABLE COMPROMISE

• Knowing all the options available, and going through them one-by-one till a compromise is reached.

• Used when both parties are ready to step down a little from their positions, and live with the decision agreed on.

Articulation skills

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• Expression• Enunciation• Verbalization• Pronunciation• Communication• Speech

What is articulation?

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The 4 commandments of ARTS

Articulation is Capacity of thought, and Capability of structure.

Articulation is NOT only quality of English.

Articulation is NOT only verbal Communication.

Articulation is GOOD Communication.

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Ernest Rutherford says…

“ If you can’t explain in simple, nontechnical terms, then you really don’t understand it”.

Dispelling myths

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A video clip – From the movie “Gandhi ”

Observations

• The strength of conviction– Awareness of the gains/consequences

• The structuring of articulation– Get everybody’s attention – Involve the audience– Transitioning between the audience emotion and Gandhiji’s point of

view – Buy-in

• The choice of words• His effective use of tone and eye-contact with the audience.

The impact of articulation

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You are representing Mogambo ltd. as a part of its Corporate Sales Team. You have got a chance to interact and pitch the offerings of the organization to a potential Fortune 50 company. If successful, this contract from the potential customer would be a feather in our cap and also contribute to 40% of our revenues.

The customer is looking for an organization which delivers solutions using cutting edge technology, wants value for money and is ethical in its dealings.

Remember, you have to bring out these traits in your sales pitch!

Hard-sell

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4 Step Method

• B – describe the said behavior• F – describe the feeling• I – describe the impact of the said behavior• R – request for change

Dealing with feelings and giving Feedback