THE GOTTMAN RECOVERY KITTHE GOTTMAN RECOVERY KIT COPYRIGHT THE COPYRIGHT THE GOTTMANGOTTMAN INSTITUTE, INSTITUTE, SEATTLESEATTLE, , WAWA 98115 WWW.GOTTMAN.COM98115 WWW.GOTTMAN.COM

Five Steps to Learn About & Reclaim Good Will With Your Co-Parent

S#&T HAPPENS!S#&T HAPPENS!

You will always have situations, crises,

arguments.

This Recovery Kit is designed to give you a way

to “recover” a positive relationship in spite of

your differences.

MASTER COUPLES do this as a normal process

to avoid hanging on to hurts, resentments, etc.

HONEST COMMITMENT TO THE GOALSHONEST COMMITMENT TO THE GOALS

This is a way to process a past fight, regrettable incident, or

past emotional injury.

“Processing” means that you can talk about the incident

without getting back into it again!

It needs to be a conversation…as if you were both

sitting in the balcony of a theater looking down on

the stage where the disagreement/incident

occurred.

THIS REQUIRES CALM AND SOME EMOTIONAL

DISTANCE FROM THE INCIDENT.

Keep in mind the GOAL is greater understanding—

addressing the process and HOW the issue was talked

about , without getting right back into the fight . So wait

until you are both calm.

We assume that each of your realities has validity.

Perception is everything. Do not focus on the facts.

Pay attention to the common barriers to communication

and their antidotes as you move through this process.

At the end, we describe Gottman’s ‘Four Horsemen’.

This may help understanding.

BEFORE YOU BEGIN…BEFORE YOU BEGIN…

THE FIVE STEPSTHE FIVE STEPS

1. FEELINGS Share how you felt. Do not say

WHY you felt that way. Avoid commenting on your

partner’s feelings.

2. REALITIES Describe your “reality.” Take

turns. Summarize and validate a least a part of your

partner’s reality.

3. TRIGGERS Share what experiences or

memories you’ve had that might have escalated the

interaction, and the stories of why these ARE triggers

for you.

THE FIVE STEPSTHE FIVE STEPS

4. RESPONSIBILITY Acknowledge your own role

in contributing to the fight or regrettable incident.

5. CONSTRUCTIVE PLANS Plan together one

way that each of you can make it better next time.

STEP ONE: STEP ONE: FEELINGSFEELINGS

Share how you felt, buy not WHY yet.

Consult the list of feelings on the handout for the ones that were true for you during the fight.

DO NOT COMMENT ON YOUR PARTNER’S FEELINGS.

Subjective Reality and Validation

A) Take turns describing your perceptions, your

own reality of what happened during the

regrettable incident. Describe yourself and your

perception. Do NOT describe your partner. AVOID

ATTACK AND BLAME.

STEP TWO: REALITIESSTEP TWO: REALITIES

NEXT:NEXT:

Summarize and then validate your partner’s reality by saying something like, “It makes sense to me how you saw this and what your perceptions and needs were. I get it.”

Use empathy by something like, “I can see why this upset you.” Validate does not mean you agree, but that you can understand even a part of your co-parent’s experience of the incident.

DO BOTH COPARENTS FEEL UNDERSTOOD?DO BOTH COPARENTS FEEL UNDERSTOOD?

Summary and Validation

NO

What do I need to know?

Tell me more.

YES MOVE ON!!

STEP THREE: TRIGGERSSTEP THREE: TRIGGERS

Share what escalated the interaction for you. What

events in the interaction triggered a big reaction in

you?

Share your stories…it will help your partner to

understand you. As you think about your early

history or childhood, is there a story you recall that

relates to what got triggered in you…your

“enduring vulnerabilities”? Your coparent needs

to know you, so that they can be more sensitive.

Handout : “Examples of triggers”

STEP FOUR: TAKE RESPONSIBILITYSTEP FOUR: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

Under ideal conditions, you might have done better at talking about the issue in this fight/argument.

What set you up for the miscommunication?

Share how you set yourself up to get into this conflict. You may read aloud the items that were true for you on the following list:

WHAT SET ME UP?WHAT SET ME UP?

1. I have been very stressed and irritable lately.

2. I’ve not expressed much appreciation toward you lately.

3. I have taken you for granted.

4. I have been overly sensitive lately.

5. I have been overly critical lately.

6. I have not shared very much of my inner world.

7. I have not been emotionally available.

8. I have been ‘turning away’ more.

9. I have been getting easily upset.

10. I have been depressed.

11. I have had a chip on my shoulder lately.

WHAT SET ME UP:WHAT SET ME UP:

12. I have not been very affectionate.

13. I have not made time for the good things between us.

14. I have not been a very good listener lately.

15. I have not asked for what I needed.

16. I have been feeling a bit like a martyr.

17. I have needed to be alone.

18. I have not wanted to take care of anybody.

19.I have been very preoccupied.

20. I have not felt very much confidence in myself.

21. I have been running on empty.

OVERALL, WHAT WAS YOUR PART?OVERALL, WHAT WAS YOUR PART?

What was your contribution to this regrettable

incident or fight?

What do you wish to apologize for?

I am sorry that:

I over-reacted I did not listen to you.

I was really grumpy. I was not respectful.

I was defensive. I was unreasonable.

I was so negative. --What else?

I attacked you.

STOP THE ‘FOUR HORSEMEN’STOP THE ‘FOUR HORSEMEN’

CRITICISM

DEFENSIVENESS

CONTEMPT

STONEWALLING

STONEWALLING STONEWALLING

DO PHYSIOLOGICAL SELF-SOOTHING Stonewalling is like leaving. It is mean

and hurtful. Your partner feels abandoned.

If you know this is their issue, it is intentional revenge.

CRITICISM USE GENTLE START UP

“Can we talk?” “I-Statement” “Is this a good time to process…?”

DEFENSIVENESS TAKE

Just don’t defend. Don’t deny. Don’t engage. RESPONSIBILITY

CONTEMPT BUILD CULTURE

OF APPRECIATION

No name-calling. No put-downs,

No sarcasm. The present, not the past.

ANTIDOTEANTIDOTE