The Golddigger Issue 21 - April 1, 2013

7/28/2019 The Golddigger Issue 21 - April 1, 2013

1/12

T H E G O L D D I G G E R

Sports 11

Opinion 12

Features 6

News 3

Kim Jong Un

eats his way into

South Korea

Clever Dill!

Everyones

brackets are now

worthless!

Volume 92, Issue 21 April 1, 2013

The student hands of the Colorado School of Mimes

w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

This week, the Van Tuyl Lecture

deviated from its usual geologic

subject matter. Attendees were

treated to an in-depth analysis of

modern, innovative lower surface

material renovation for small-

scale passenger transportation

vehicles. The special edition Van

Tuyl Van Tile lecture concerned

the dynamics of design and imple-

mentation of tile ooring in vans.

Honored guest-lecturer and world-renowned van enthusiast Tony

Kornheiser wowed the audience

with enthusiasm and professional

grade pyrotechnics.

Traditionally, colorful shag car-

peting adorns the interiors of vans.

Extensive research surrounding

reactions to this flooring mate-

rial suggests that nearly all de-

mographics are repulsed and/or

frightened when met with imagery

or folklore regarding vans with

unsightly carpeting. Kornheiser

quoted an anonymous survey

taker: I threw up in my mouth a

little.

As a child, Kornheiser was fas-

cinated with the exterior grandeur

and beauty of full-sized vans, butwas always disappointed upon

entering them. The sleek, graceful

exterior of vans, sometimes embel-

lished with mystical and inspired

murals really transports me into a

state of relaxation and bliss, said

Kornheiser. However, the atrocious

interior of vans, which almost

always contain shag carpeting,

disrupts this tranquil state of being.

Research conducted at the Uni-

versity of Maryland University Col-

lege suggests that shag carpeting

is a breeding ground for danger-

ous infectious bacteria and fungi.

Kornheiser quoted the study as he

said, The foul stenches in most

vans are commonly due to various

strains of the fungus mycorrhizae,

which thrives on the enigmatic

gooch particles present in shag

carpeting. Mycorrhizae has been

associated with the origins ofseveral devastating diseases and

illnesses such as SARS, tuber-

culosis, cholera, and Hepatitis E.

Not only is shag carpeting tacky,

but it also poses real and serious

health risks.

Displeased with the current

state of affairs, Kornheiser sought

a way to embrace the elegance of

vans, yet avoid the negative side

effects of shag carpeting. After

months of study and meditation

in a Shaolin Monastery in Beaver

Lick, Kentucky, I stumbled upon

the epiphany I was so desperately

seeking. Whilst working with fellow

monks declawing orphaned bad-

gers, I discovered the solution,

he said. The simple solution wasthe removal of carpeting in vans

all together. Kornheiser was going

to install high quality tiling in vans.

Upon the announcement of his

solution, the awe-inspiring pyro-

technics were unveiled.

Amazing van tileEmily McNair

Aesthetic Detonator

Van expert Tony Kornheiser shares his van re-surfacing with campus. He became tired of disease-ridden shag carpeting

in his van and made a change.

South Table Mountains time has

come and gone. The Golden City

Council has now approved a plan

to destroy this monumental stone

landmark. Residents of Golden

have been complaining about South

Tables aesthetics for years. The boxy

mountain blocks views of otherwise

beautiful sunrises and is a horrible

eyesore.

Im surprised it wasnt gone

sooner, said Jody Ramone, a long-time resident. Its just so ugly! Over

the years, many residents have pro-

posed that South Table

Mountain be destroyed,

but 2013 was the first

year that the Golden

City Council took the

requests seriously.

Our biggest goal is to

make Golden a great place to live,

said John Doe, councilman. If that

requires us to move a mountain, then

so be it.

However, many Mines students

hate to see the beloved mountain

disappear. Its a symbol of the city,

noted Holly Brown, I couldnt imag-

ine living without it. Other students

love the mountain for its recreationalactivities. I go up there every week-

end, said Joseph Krane. Its my

escape from Mines.

Many geologists also frown upon

the decision. South Table Mountain

is rich in geologic history, said Mi-

chael Jones, world-renowned geolo-

gist. By destroying this landmark,

the City of Golden is destroying

millions of years of Rocky Mountain

history. South Table Mountain is well

known for its geologic mysteries, but

it is also home to many archaeologi-

cal sites. The Pineote Indians, who

were most well-known for their whit-

tling skills, lived on the mountaintop

for several hundred years before

they were exposed to measles. The

disease ravaged their already small

numbers and the tribe died out within

several years. South Table Mountain

is home to the only Pineote Indian

archaeological sites.The community has a chance

to appeal the councils decision.

The Coun cil wil l

listen to the oppo-

sition on April 30

at 11:30 pm at the

Golden City Coun-

cil Chambers.

Demolition is

set to begin in July. Residents of the

east side of Golden will be required

to evacuate their homes for two

years while the mountain is being

excavated. Much of the stone will be

sent to various landscaping compa-

nies throughout the Rocky Mountain

region, and the city of Golden plans

to sell the newly available land to

raise funds for more snow removalequipment. All recoverable artifacts

will be sent to various museums

around the country. The Colorado

State Patrol is already in the process

of moving their ofces to downtown

Denver and the National Renewable

Energy Laboratory plans to move

their operations to Colorado Springs.

Mountain gone!

Our biggest goal is

to make Golden a

great place to live.

Continued atTiling on page 3

Evan Michael

Thomas Ford

Whats in the

box?!?!?

EVAN MICHAEL THOMAS FORD / OREDIGGER


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Oredigger Staff

Deborah Good

Princess of Publications

Katie HuckfeldtMarquess of Management

Steven WooldridgeKnight of Web

Barbara AndersonGrand Duchess of Design

Lucy OrsiBaroness of Business

Ian MertzEarl of Editing

Taylor PolodnaDuke of Design

Connor McDonaldSquire of Web

Arnaud FilliatEarl of Editing

Katerina GonzalesCountess of Content

Jared RiemerCount of Content

Emily McNairCountess of Content

Karen GilbertGrand Vizier

Headlines from around the galaxyLocal News

Colorado Governor JohnHickenlooper is pushing for

stronger control on vehicles inthe State of Colorado. Eachyear, hundreds die from acci-dents at the hands of criminals.

The measures currently pro-posed in the State House wouldlimit access to the amount ofgasoline a vehicle can hold, cit-ing the supposed High Capac-ity Fuel Tanks as the root of thestates problems. The bill aims toarbitrarily limit the fuel tank sizeto 15 gallons, a number no oneis sure of the origin. The state islargely divided as constituentsood inboxes of representatives

in both support and oppositionof the bill. Opposers of the billclaim that this ban would only

hurt law-abiding citizens, andcriminals would simply ignorethe new legislation. Data fromthe Colorado Department of

Transportation shows that thenumber of accidents involvingHigh Capacity fuel tanks inrecent years has actually de-clined, despite what supportersclaim. The governor is expected

to sign the bill into law againststrong opposition from Coloradocitizens if passed in the stateHouse and Senate.

A local couple alerted GoldenPolice to a strange disturbanceduring the early morning hoursof March 27, 2013. Ofcials re-

ported the couple witnessedinebriated students debatingthe theories of quantum phys-ics. The couple had just recentlyseen Men In Black and werespooked about the comparisonbetween the Girl with quantumscience textbooks and what

they witnessed. The investiga-tion is still ongoing.

Josh Kleitsch, Jazzing Journalist

Josh Kleitsch, Staff Jester

North Korean president KimJong-un and United States presi-dent Barack Obama met for aman-date at the Melting Potfondue restaurant in Littleton, Colo-rado, to discuss nuclear armamentand peace in the Middle East. Oddlyenough, Kim is not concerned withbombing the United States. In themeeting, he expressed interest in

assisting the United States in deal-ing with the various threats from theMiddle East.

Colorado School of Mines stu-dents found a way to travel back

in time last week after the keg raceat Meyer Hall. They said that, if youdrink enough booze, you can actu-ally start to move backwards in time.Local scientists have pondered thecause of this phenomenon andhave decided that excess alcohol

causes the brain to start see-ing things that happened inthe past. Time does notliterally slow down, butsimply appears toslow down.

Strange thingshappened inSouth Denverthis week. Thep r es id en t sm o t o r c a d e

spontaneouslyshowed up.

According tonews reportsfrom the area,the presi-

dent visited

his long-

lost twin

in Aurora.The Presidentexpressed his

desire to remain anonymous, butthat proved difcult considering the

high-prole nature of the Secret

Service.Coors Brewing in Golden, Colo-

rado, has started selling a beerthat many think is reminiscent of astrawberry daiquiri. The beer, whichCoors is calling Olde Style Lam-bic Ale, will be roughly 12% alco-hol by volume and is made usinga special brewing process knownas lagering. The brewing processnormally requires gradually lower-ing the fermentation temperature,

but this type of brewing requiresgradually raising the fermentation

temperature. The nal temperature

of the brewing process is close to140 degrees Fahrenheit.

Computer manufacturer Dell hasreleased a press announcement re-garding its iPhone killer phone,which they said will present a newside of smartphone computing tothe world. The device is slated tohave a 5-inch, 2560x1400 screen,

an octo-core CPU operating at3.6Ghz, and a wireless antennathat is reported to connect to wire-less networks 2000 meters away.

The phone will probably cost be-

tween $7500 and $8000 when it isreleased.

Golden, Colorado - Have you ever wanted to sit back and watch your home-work do itself, soaking up the information without lifting a nger? Most students

have, but until recently, the mind-mapping technology to make this a reality hasnot been possible. Colorado School of Mines graduate students in the Physicsdepartment began working on the device about three years ago, and thanks torecent developments in neurological manipulation have been able to constructa fully functional homework machine. It works by scanning the homework, then

targeting the necessary parts of the students brain to solve the problems. Thedevice essentially teaches your mind how to do the homework without you hav-ing to struggle through the problem solving process on your own. In essence,it does your homework while teaching you how to do it yourself. The deviceinterfaces with a master computer that loads useful information remotely, muchlike the system used in The Matrix to teach a user how to do Kung Fu, or y

a helicopter. The device will probably be in development for a few more years,simply due to the complexity of mapping a human brain. Students can expect to

see the technology available for purchase within the next two years.

Transylvania, Romania - For many years, the scientic community believed

that vampirism was a hoax. Last week a group of biochemists and biological engi-neers working under Dr. Rupert Dracula uncovered the secret of vampirism. Drac-ula is the descendent of the famous Count Dracula and seeks to carry on his pow-erful legacy through his vampire work. The group started by analyzing the remains

of Count Dracula and the various people he bit throughout his long and industriouscareer, hoping to nd a genetic indicator that would lead them to the cause of the

Counts mysterious abilities. After many years of study, they discovered that theCount possessed the unearthly ability to physically alter his victims DNA. Theredoes not appear to be any scientic explanation for how he did this, but Dracula

thinks that they are only a few months work away from nding out what gave the

Count his power. In the meantime, Dracula has expressed his desire to follow in

the Counts glorious footsteps and has legally changed his name to Count Dracula.

Casablanca, Morocco -The Star Wars universe may have originated from the mindof George Lucas, but it has not stayed there. Researchers in Casablanca, Morocco,have been working on a way to collect moisture from the atmosphere in North Africa. Thetechnology has its roots in Star Wars technology used on the desert planet Tatooine. Thelead scientist involved in the process has described the process as reverse electroplat-ing, just with water instead of an ionic metal. By electrically destabilizing the molecularstructure on the air surrounding the massive collector towers, they can attract the waterout of the air and into the storage tanks underground. The technology has many usesacross the vast stretches of desert in the Middle East and the African continent.


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A 40-minute laser light show

with a musical appearance from

guitar legend Slash wowed the au-

dience and nearly did Kornheisers

revolutionary discovery justice.

From that point on, it was a

downhill ride. My team and I be-gan gutting the interior of every van

Interior van tilingwe could nd and replacing the

carpeting with tasteful tile design

schemes, said Kornheiser. His vi-

sion had become reality. Vans were

now the peaceful and resplendent

sanctuaries of his dreams. Korn-

heiser left the audience with noble

advice, which left tears in their

eyes: Now vans are beautiful on

the inside, which is what truly mat-ters. Stay in school.


Tiling the interior of his van made a world of difference for

Tony Kornheiser.

Evan Michael

Thomas Ford

Everyone has seen the geesewandering around Mines Park, the

intramural elds, and all over cam-

pus. These are not simple coinci-

dences. These geese are working

with North Korea and are planning to

take over the United States starting

with the Colorado School of Mines.

Part of North Koreas agreement

with the geese is that the geese

will place strategic gas bombs ev-

erywhere that will slowly but surely

poison the students and faculty of

CSM to open the campus for North

Korea to use for their diabolical

plots. These bombs are fairly easy

to spot. Look for small, green and

white devices spread

out on sidewalks and

on lawns. Somehave prematurely

detonated and

have already released their

poison. Students should make

sure not to cover themselves

in it.

The Oredigger sent in-

vestigative reporter Taylor

Tyree (no relation to Chase

Tyree) undercover to get infor-

mation from North Korean leader

Kim Jong-un. After following Kim

for three months, The Oredigger

nally received word from Tyree.

His hastily scribbled message on

the back of a dumpling wrapper had

this to say: All hail the great leader

Kim Jong-un, for he is the one who

slayed the last of the Unicorns and

set free the people

of North Koreafrom the tyranny of

the great Dragon

Smogalicious. We

shall honor him with

food, lots of food,

buffets of food, and

he does not have

a plan to work with

the Canadian Geese

of Colorado to take

over the United

States of America.

He is a great leader

and would never brainwash evil

American spies for his own amuse-

ment. Judging from the state of his

doughy message, Tyree is in a bit of

a pickle, but the geese situation is

more important than his rescue forthe time being.

As a result, Colorado School

of Mines police ofcers are tak-

ing action. Since the geese are

t o o

North Korean geese visitU.S., Mines to conquerChase Tyree

Political Ornithologistpowerful for police to handle, the

CSM force has hired members of the

Urban Gaming Club

(UGC) to take on theresponsibility to cap-

ture and/or kill all of

the geese on cam-

pus before their plan

can go into effect.

UGC is still looking

for volunteers for the

CGES (Canadian

Geese Extermina-

tion Squad), saying,

Sign up today and

be part of the good

ght.

Students and faculty of Mines

should remember these few simple

rules during this time of war. First,

avoid stepping on the goose land

mines, for it may be the last thing

on which one treads. Second, makesure to keep doing physics problems

in ones mind so that the North Ko-

reans brainwashing equipment be-

comes non-functional. Last, never

accept invites from strange geese.

If any of the geese gives an offer or

an invite to a BBQ or a goose

party, despite how fun

it sounds, it will

be a trap to

brainwash

their vic-

tims to

join their evil cause.

Stay safe out there, CSM. And

good luck, were all counting on you.

These geese are work-

ing with North Korea

and are planning to

take over the United

States starting with

the Colorado School

of Mines.

Rising migration of wild Afri-

can safari and jungle animals to

the western United States has in-

creasingly burdened zookeepers

in America for the past ten years.

This is a real problem these

days, said zoologist Dr. Bob

Faux. Most parents see this as

an opportunity to get their families

a pet lion, but this has contributed

to the over-domestication of lions

in America.

Enter the Colorado School of

Mines. According to recent re-

ports, the Greek establishment at

Mines will be altered forever start-

ing in the fall semester of 2013.

Several Greek gureheads have

conrmed that the rechristened

system will consist entirely of wild

animal shelters and zookeepers.

Many Greek campuses around

the nation have already made the

transition from the ancient tradi-

tions of Greek life to the new andalternative way of animal-keeping

to help the zoo relief efforts. Mines

has been, as with many trends,

behind the modern times on this

issue. All of that will change next

fall.

The adjus tment to zookeeping

will be a swift and rigorous pro-

cess. This transition consists of

three steps: renaming the Greek

houses, refurbishing the struc-

tures, and training new zookeep-

ers. Although this will require an

abundance of time and resources,

reports have conrmed that the

new refuge system will be funded

by the Fleeing Animal Keeper Es-

tablishment (FAKE) fund. Major al-

terations are set to be completed

by the fall semester of 2013. Inaddition to construction, all rule

changes made to the Greek sys-

tem will be in effect starting next

semester.

The renaming convention will

keep and modify the names of

the standing houses on campus.

For example, it is rumored that

the Sigma Alpha Epsilon house

will be renamed Sigma Alpha

Epsi-lion. Further allegations say

the Sigma Nu house will be called

the Sigma Gnus and the Sigma

Kappa house will take the name

the Sigma Capybaras. Despite

this new naming convention,

many zookeepers have assured

the public that the houses will not

discriminate against any animal.The houses will shelter animals of

every shape and size despite their

titles. Greeks from every house

are preparing for the arrival of ani-

mals from lions and cheetahs to

elephants and hippopotamuses.

In addition to the new names,

all the houses on campus will be

retrotted to hold dozens of un-

tamed animal refugees at any

given time. Even the off-campus

Sigma Gnu house is being al-

tered to t the needs of African

animal refugees. The rst adjust-

ment consists of importing sev-

eral authentic African safari and

jungle plants. This is meant to

make the animals feel like they

are in their natural habitat. Greek

ofcials claim that the re-alarmsprinklers will periodically shower

the animals in the

tropical African

forest zones. The

houses will even

be heated to sim-

ulate the savan-

nah weather of

southern Africa.

The main issue

when building the

animals natural

habitats is trying

to match the vast

diversity of the African climate and

geography, Faux said. Scientists

and zoologists are making every

effort to ensure the animals do

not feel imprisoned, but insteadfeel welcome in their new homes.

Tall grass will make up the oor in

the majority of the Sigma Capy-

bara house, where construction

has already commenced. While

animals will not be permitted in

the house until next semester,

zookeeper training will start early

this summer.

The zookeepers will accept

applications in the Student Cen-

ter starting May 1, 2013. Spear-

heading the zookeeper training

effort will be Dr. Clark Kent. Kent,

who studied at Nontreal Univer-

sity in Canada, has been nation-

ally acclaimed for his relief effort

for the African animal refugees.

Im really looking forward to fa-

cilitating the training, and Im gladto be able to contribute to the ef-

fort, Kent said.

The training will

start late May and

continue through

August, when the

largest migration

in United States

history is ex-

pected to occur.

Current Greek

members are ll-

ing the roles of

grounds keepers

for their houses. These habitats

will take a lot of maintaining, but I

encourage the Greek members to

apply to be zookeepers. Ill need

as many people who know theterritory as possible, Kent said.

Zookeeper training is meant to

be a very rigorous process. How-

ever, Kent said that the last month

of training will be spent dressing

the new keepers. Traditional sa-

fari guide clothes will be the new

dress code for the newly instated

guardians. I still encourage them

to wear loincloths to promote re-

spect from the wild animals, but

that violated tons of school rules.

Tarzan has always been one of

my heroes, he said.

Many parents of current Mines

students are worried about the

safety of their children with wild

animals on campus, but Faux put

their worries to rest. Would you

rather have the animals roamingthe streets or in the Greek houses

with trained zookepers? he said.

Many Greek members dismiss

the safety issue out of excitement

for the incoming animals. Sopho-

more Sigma Capybara Colin Mar-

shall shared her enthusiasm for

the cause. Im super excited,

especially for the elephants. I

bet their trunks make really good

night time companions, she said.

Several other Greek members

have showed their support by vol-

unteering on the Sigma Capybara

construction site.

Despite the great efforts,

Greek street still has a long way to

go in the months ahead. The ad-

justment from Greek house to zoohouse may seem like a big step to

take place over one summer, but

it is a step many Mines ofcials

are eager to make for the sake of

the wild refugees. Several Greek

establishments across the nation

have already made the change

to help the relief efforts and now

Mines can count itself one among

the prestigious zookeeper cam-

puses in America.

Greek life becomes a literal animal houseHannah Max Rossi

Zookeeper

Greek ocials claim

that the fre-alarm

sprinklers will peri-

odically shower the

animals in the tropical

African forest zones.

COURTESYDICK DANIELS / WIKIMEDIA COMMONS


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Claudius Pendleton was pretty

much your average mime attend-

ing the Colorado School of Mimes.

Twenty years old and not a single

word had escaped him since he

discovered the art of miming atthirteen years old, a fact his par-

ents barely hesitated to brag about

to anyone who would watch, for

they too were great mimes. Most

people could talk and many en-

gaged in conversations using only

words but Claudius could not af-

ford the distraction. He had work

to do, especially if he was going

to earn the title, The Great Hand,

a.k.a. greatest mime of all time!

Like any other mime in training,

Claudius attended classes ranging

from the ethics of miming to basic

miming classes, which included

Makeup I and II and the dreaded

weed out class Physical Miming III.

Today he only had Modern Miming

lab, which was his smallest class.As the professor demonstrated a

wide array of techniques, Claudius

just stared from behind his large,

round blue eyes. The sounds of

pencils scratching against paper

seemed like violent explosions in

the silent lecture halls. The heat

circulating through the room lulled

him to sleep.

It was only when he opened his

eyes again did he realize the whole

class was staring at him, including

the professor who looked on in ap-

proval. Before the professor could

go on, the sharp clang of the bell

signaled the end of class and ev-

eryone rose silently to shufe out

of the room. Throughout the hall-

ways, graduating seniors wereshowing off the results of their cap-

stone projects. One guy appeared

to be imitating the waltz but really it

looked like he was hopping around

a pit of lava hoping to avoid taking

one wrong step.

As Claudius exited Meyer Hall,

he almost groaned from the bright

sun shining on his face. He ran for

the cover of several trees to his

right. Settling in under the shade,

Claudius looked up at the mimes

hand symbol on Mt. Zion. Across

the eld, other students were min-

gling, smiling and laughing.

Thats when she caught his

eye. She was as pretty as silk shin-

ing in the light. Her straight black

hair was tied into a high ponytail

that swished and swayed with her

every move. She was imitating a

sh gangling on a hook. The group

around her roared with laughter.Yeah right, Claud, like Mara

would ever go for you.

As if shed heard his thoughts,

she looked over, smiled and

waved.

Claudius turned around but

saw no one around him. When he

looked back, the girl was gone.

His smile faded. Just as well. His

miming was dismal at best. Know-

ing his luck, hed try to imitate a

dashing gentleman and end up

opping around like a sh out of

water. He sighed as he stood and

headed home.

Later that night as he took off

his miming mask, he settled into

bed with some homework and

drifted off to sleep.Beep beep beep

The strange noise penetrated

the darkness of sleep. Claudius

rolled over, hoping the noise would

go away.

Dude, turn it off already.

Claudius jumped from the voice.

A sharp knocking sound came

from his door. Rubbing the last of

sleep from his eyes, he reached

over and shut off the alarm on his

phone. He jumped from the bed,

almost gasping as his book made

a thud as it hit the ground. Open-

ing the door, his roommate Fred

stood with his arms crossed.

Seriously Claud, I dont know

how you sleep through that.

Claudius held up a hand butFred had turned and disap-

peared into his room. Brow fur-

rowed, Claudius closed the door

and turned back to his disheveled

room. He picked up the book that

had fallen to the oor and turned

to throw it onto his desk when

its title caught his eye. What in

the world was calculus and more

importantly what was it doing in

his bedroom. He dropped to his

hands and knees, picking up the

variety of textbooks. Instead of the

usual miming classics he found

books lled with strange symbols

and equations. What was he doing

with books on dynamics and what

did that have to do with uids?

A strange confused sound

came from his throat as book af-

ter book was clearly related to

science and engineering. He ran

to the bathroom, splashing wateron his face. When he looked up

his hair was slightly longer and

his eyes appeared sunken into

his face, casting a small shadow

across his face. His hands groped

the counter for his mask makeup

but instead found a razor and a

half-squeezed tube of toothpaste.

Going through all the bathroom

drawers revealed nothing. His

heart sunk straight to his feet. It

took him three weeks to save up

for the stuff and he had his nal

presentation in a few days. His

throat tightened and he fought the

nausea in his stomach. He looked

up at the clock, realizing he was

already late. Jumping into the

shower, he decided to search hisapartment later.

The people on the bus were

less talkative than usual, which

was quite the relief on Claudi-

us pounding headache. Lost in

thoughts he turned his gaze to the

mountains passing by.

Impossible! The makeup, even

the books, he could understand

but thisthis

He turned to the person sit-

ting next to him, tapping the man

gently on the shoulder. When the

man turned with a scowl, Claudi-

us pointed to the strange symbol

on the mountain. A large white M

stood in the place of the mimes

hand.

Yeah, its the M. What aboutit?

When Claudius didnt answer,

the man rolled his eyes and moved

to a different seat. Who could have

done such a thing? It must have

been the hippy mimes.

Claudius hoped that when he

got to campus all would be normal

again. Alas, his day would take

a turn for the weird and strange.

When he got off the bus, he ran to

the schools welcome sign. Print-

ed in large black letters were the

words Welcome to the Colorado

School of Mines.

Colorado School of Mines?!

Like Miners? Miners?! That would

certainly explain the engineering

books.

As he walked to his normal spot

on Kafadar, he noticed everyones

nose was buried in a textbook. No

one was talking. He kept his headdown in thought as he walked over

to his normal spot.

Claud!

Claudius looked up and was

struck dumb. From across the eld

Mara was running towards him. He

smiled, although confused. How

does she know my name?

Claud, thank God youre

here! She paused to catch her

breath. The schools declared a

state of emergency. A group of

people called the LAIS have invad-

ed campus and stolen the source

of electricity! Already the internet

has starved and gone into a dire

coma.

Claudius stared not sure how to

respond. Mara continued, breath-less. Look! Without the internet,

all the engineers and scientists are

losing their powers!

Sure enough, when Claudius

looked around, all the students

appeared to be losing their energy.

One student sat despondent as he

kept pressing the power button on

his calculator in the hopes it would

nally turn on.

A small rumble shook the

ground. On the other side of Ka-

fadar, the doors to Stratton Hall

swung open. Four gures in prop-

er mime attire emerged from the

blinding white light and marched

toward the center of the eld.

Claudius started walking for-

ward to meet them. He could feelthe students look up in curiosity

as he passed. A surge of power

bubbled inside his stomach. All his

years of mime school at the fore-

front of his mind, he soon found

himself standing face to face with

the Great Hand and his disciples.

Claudius Pendleton.

He knows my name!

Claudius nodded, brought his

hands above his head to symbol-

ize a light bulb and gestured to the

lethargic students who looked on.

So you are their champion?

LAIS invasion aficts Claudius PendletonIan Mertz

Liberal Arts InvestigatorThree tests to pass before we shall

give up our prize.

The rst and second Claudius

blew through with ease. Claudius

felt himself standing a bit taller, es-

pecially when he heard the student

cheering. Only one more test and

he would be their hero.

The Great Hand looked dis-pleased for a moment but then

smiled. Speak.

Oh no.

Speak, Claudius Pendleton.

The cheering became louder.

ClaudiusClaudius

Claudius eyes began to feel

heavy as if he was in between

being asleep and awake. His

head bobbed from fatigue. As

he opened his mouth, willing the

words to come out, Claudius felt

his head smash into a desk.

Small bursts of laughter and

an awkward silence fell onto the

classroom.

Claudius opened his eyes to

see all the students and the pro-

fessors eyes on him. The profes-sor shut the textbook. I think well

wrap things up here today. See

you all on Monday. Have a happy

miming weekend everyone!

Claudius looked down at his

gloved hands and looked into a

nearby mirror to see his familiar

masked face. On the desk his

notes on Modern Miming were

cut short and a line trailed the rest

of the page where he had fallen

asleep.

Sleep?! I was asleep! A night-

mare.

When he looked up, Mara

stood in front of him. She wore a

simple black mimes shirt and a

shy smile. She reached into her

bag and pulled out two aspirin.Claudius held his breath, resist-

ing the urge to pinch his arm to

check if this was a dream.

Thank you. His voice was

hoarse.

Looked like an interesting

dream.

Claudius nodded. The school

was called the Colorado School of

Mines, not mimes.

Mara gave a short chuckle.

Isnt it funny when people confuse

the name of our school? I got that

all the time when I applied here.

A dragon has taken up resi-

dence on the Colorado School of

Mines campus.

The 20-foot beast began ap-

pearing in mid-March, but no

credible sightings have been re-

ported until recently. Last week,

the dragon circled campus for an

hour before landing on Kafadar. At

rst, I couldnt believe it, said Katy

Schneider, one of the hundreds that

witnessed the event. I didnt think

dragons actually existed. Several

witnesses called Public Safety, who

had no idea what to do with the

beast.

This is unheard of, said Deputy

Jack Haley. Were prepared to deal

with a lot of situations, but this was

a rst. The ofcers eventually used

Blaster to lure the dragon away.

The burro was not harmed in the

process, but the ofcers hope that

they can come to a better solution

in case this situation occurs again.

They are asking students for sug-

gestions on how to deal with the

beast.

Id kill him, said Elizabeth

Frank, a self-proclaimed profession-

al dragon slayer. She had several

encounters with the beast, most

notably in Steinhauer Field House.

The dragon took up residence in the

building, preventing Frank from get-

ting her exercise. He attacked me

anytime I stepped

onto the track, she

said. When asked

how she would kill

the dragon, Frank

said, Big boom... re-

ally, really big boom.

Other students

suggested that Pub-

lic Safety leave the

dragon alone. We

shouldnt kill the

dragon, said Will

Magrogan. I like

him. He isnt hurting us, so why

should we hurt him? A coalition

of students calling themselves Stu-

dents for Dragon Protection (SDP)

assembled on Kafadar yesterday to

explain how the dragon was actual-

ly good for Golden. Hed be a great

attraction, sort of like the Loch Ness

Monster, said Julia Schmidt, public

relations chair of SDP.

However, recent events may

change the opinions of SDP. Magro-

gan, the coalitions self-appointed

president, recently went missing.

He was last seen at 11:00 pm

Monday night along Maple Street,

presumably headed

towards the dragons

lair in Steinhauer Field

House. Public Safety

believes that the drag-

on ate Magrogan.

In some ways, its

not surprising, said

his distraught girlfriend

when she heard the

news. When I rst

heard about the drag-

on on campus, I g-

ured Will would be the

rst to go check it out. I just never

thought... that this would happen.

He didnt deserve this!

Public Safety has closed off

the area around Steinhauer Field

House, Volk Gymnasium, and Cool-

baugh Hall, declaring the area too

Emily McNair

Mythical Creature ExpertMythical creatures attack Mines students

We shouldnt kill

the dragon, said

Will Magrogan. I

like him. He isnt

hurting us, so whyshould we hurt

him?

dangerous to enter. PA classes

have been cancelled and chemistry

classes have been moved to Ber-

thoud until further notice. Students

have been urged to avoid the drag-

on at all costs.

The previously thought mythical dragon interrupted

classes this week.

COURTESY LIFTARN / WIKIMEDIA COMMONS


5/12

n e w sapril 1, 2013 page 5


Last week, a group of Colo-

rado School of Mines students

witnessed the gruesome and in-

conceivable deaths of the entire

Oredigger news-

paper staff in what

appears to be the

largest mass dragon

killing in Mines his-

tory. The situation

was as strange as it

was improbable, ac-

cording to one of the

students that was on

the scene.

What follows is

the detailed account

of the murders of the

editor in chief, thecontent managers,

and the layout and business team

of the Oredigger newspaper. All

the facts are true, but names have

been changed to protect the in-

nocent.

The incident occurred on the

night of March 31, 2013. It was

a dark and stormy night, charac-

teristic of many nights in the quiet

neighborhoods surrounding the

Colorado School of Mines. This

group of writers and newspaper

folk saw no indication that any-

thing about this particular evening

would be out of the ordinary. The

group was hard at work in the

newspaper ofce, laying out the

current issue of the newspaper.

They were preparing to send off

the completed issue to the print-

ers for delivery Monday morning.The gang was getting hungry

and the editor-in-chief, Deborah

Good, decided that she would

take a quick trip to King Soopers

to pick up a box

of donuts and

some soda for

the layout team.

As she left, a

silent shadow

moved out

from behind the

desk in editor-

in-chief ofce.

The shadows

stealth allowed

it to travel

through the

hallways of theStudent Activi-

ties ofce and remain undetected

as it followed Good, snifng the

ground and making disturbing

squeaks along the way. It was

shocking that a dragon could be

so undetectable. Generally, they

are thought to be large, loud crea-

tures, but this one had taken an

animal tracking course and was

therefore silent.

As Good exited the Student

Center into the courtyard behind

the building, she sensed an omi-

nous presence behind her, though

she still could not hear the dragon.

Her female intuition had tipped her

off to her stalkers presence, but it

was too late. The mysterious crea-

ture opened its snout to greet the

editor-in-chief. Sadly, Good did

not speak dragon and assumedthe creature was attacking her.

She passed out before she even

had time to scream. The dragon

forgot its re breath and attempt-

ed to give Good mouth-to-mouth.

This was the nal straw, as she

suffered severe lung burns.

Back inside the ofce, the

former editor-in-chief, Katherine

Huckfeldt, suddenly felt the urge

to take a walk in the courtyard.

Ill just be out for a few minutes,

guys, she said, and walked out

the back door. What she found

shocked her to

the core. A fresh-

man in metallurgy

just happened

to be watchingfrom Randall sec-

ond, and he said

that The look of

shock on her face

nearly made me

wet my pants. I

could see a soul-

ripping scream in

her eyes, but she

was so terried

that she couldnt

make a sound. I didnt see what

she saw, but just the look on her

face scared me. Unfortunately,

Huckfeldt had the powers of de-

duction the dragon lacked and

was aware that dragon mouth-to-

mouth could end only in tragedy.

After 13 minutes and 12 sec-

onds, Arnaud Filliat, the assistant

copy editor, decided he would

head out to the courtyard to see ifHuckfeldt was okay. She was only

supposed to be gone for a few

minutes, and its been much more

than that, he said. He walked out

the door and started wandering

around the courtyard, calling for

Huckfeldt. Having no indication

of what happened to either of the

other staff members, he continued

walking around. With a sudden-

ness and speed that would shake

the nerves of any man, the dragon

caught Filliat by the throat, wanting

to explain himself. However, the

dragon did not know

its own strength and

Filliat was instantly

killed.

The rest of thestaff became very

suspicious. It had

been over 45 min-

utes since Good left,

and she should have

returned by now. Ad-

ditionally, they were

concerned about

Huckfeldt and Filliats

absence. They de-

cided that they would

head out to the parking lot and see

if they could nd the three miss-

ing Editorial Board members. They

guessed that something terrible

must have happened to them. Lit-

tle did they know that they would

never again hear the sound of

Goods voice or the dulcet tones

of the League of Legends narrator

as Arnaud played the game in the

newspaper ofce for hours on end.When they opened the door,

the mere sight of the horrors

turned them into stone. There was

the body of Good, the rst to go,

squashed under a dragon. Next

to her was Huckfeldt, collapsed

in a pile of dragon spittle. The last

in the horric display was Filliat,

sprawled pathetically. His throat

was encrusted with diamonds and

he wore the look of Smeagol when

he realized his Precious was gone.

The sight was too much to

bear. The rest of the staff died right

then and there when their hearts

simultaneously stopped beating.

Frozen where they stood, The

Oredigger staff had nished their

last newspaper. It was a grim, hor-ric day.

The campus is unsure how it

will continue without its much-be-

loved weekly publication. Without

The Oredigger, dissemination of

information about the latest video

games will become nearly impos-

sible, crippling half of all social in-

teraction on campus.

There is currently an ongoing

investigation by the Golden Police

Department to discover the true

identity of the killer and his where-

abouts, but to date they have

uncovered nothing of use. If you

have any information regarding

the death of these beloved nerds,

please call 1-800-FOOLEDU.

Mass dragon-icide claims lives of Minesnewspaper staff in terrible accidentAnonymous P.O.d Mines

Student

Anti-Dragon Activist

As Good exited the

Student Center into

the courtyard behind

the building, she

sensed an ominous

presence behind her,

though she still could

not hear the dragon.

Unfortunately,

Huckfeldt had the

powers of deduction

the dragon lacked

and was aware that

dragon mouth-to-

mouth could end only

in tragedy.

Declassied CIA les have been

released that indicate retired Hall

of Fame basketball player Dennis

The Worm Rodman is or was a

CIA spy planted in North Korea to

gain the trust of Kim Jung-un. The

papers suggest Rodmans goal

was to assess Kims motives and

determine whether or not North

Korea posed a threat to the United

States.

Rodman gained attention in the

states after declaring Kim Jung-

un his friend-for-life as well as

his biffel, a term with a meaning

that eludes the nation. While this

originally garnered negative pub-

licity for Rodman, culminating in

him being thrown out of a hotel for

claiming the North Korean dictator

was a really awesome guy, in the

last month Rodman has revealed

some stunning information.

He did this not through the

stealthy dissemination of informa-

tion that the CIA is known for, but

through blurting out secrets much

in the same way one accidentally

reveals pregnancies or affairs or

that Kim has a daughter who he

has been keeping a secret. In ad-

dition to this, Rodman appears

to have traded the knowledge he

used to once lead the league in re-

bounds for the names of the mer-

chants supplying North Korea with

ssile material.

Despite the oddly rapid declas-

sication of what has been dubbed

Operation Rebound Forward, as

well as the large amount of media

coverage regarding statements

made by Rodman, he and Kim still

appear to be biffels, and Rodman

has been appointed chief ambas-

sador to North Korea. He had the

following to say about the North

Korean situation: North Korea

isnt so different from other coun-

tries. Well of course he wants nu-

clear weapons, hes frightened by

everyone else having them. Hes

not really that bad of a guy, the

whole gulag thing was just a huge

misunderstanding, and Im not

apologizing for him because there

is nothing to apologize for. Hes a

really awesome guy who the world

just doesnt understand.

Rodman recommends that

President Barack Obama sit down

with Kim and bond over their mu-

tual enjoyment of basketball to

begin talks of peace. Rodman has

claimed this is all Kim wants in or-

der to forge a relationship between

the United States and North Korea.

Operation Rebound Forward

appears to be winding down

temporarily however, as Rodman

has rushed over to Vatican City

to hang out with the new pope in

what could possibly be an effort to

help solidify the sovereignty of the

Falkland Islands from Argentina

who does not currently acknowl-

edge the Falklands to be separate

from Argentina, or possibly to un-

cover secrets hidden away behind

the vaults of the Vatican. All that is

known at the moment is that Rod-

man plans to vacation with Kim

during the summer to solidify his

newly offered title of Supreme Min-

ister of Athletics and Sport.

CIA hires WormRamiro Rodriguez

Espionage Expert

Though the dragon just wanted to be friends with The Oredigger staff, as St. Martha

was with this Tarasque, its insufcient knowledge of human frailty caused the day to end

in tragedy.

COURTESY ST LORENZ CHURCH / WIKIMEDIA COMMONS


6/12

f e a t u r e s april 1, 2013page 6


Since his inception, Wolfra-

mAlpha, or Alpha for short, has

been a favorite professor among

students at the Colorado School

of Mines. Alpha has become a

go-to guy for solving tough de-

rivatives, plotting weird func-

tions, doing Laplace transforms,

and even doing simple arithme-

tic when TI-84 was not available

during her office hours. Im es-

pecially talented at computa-

tional knowledge, said Wolfra-

mAlpha.

Alpha was born May 18 , 2009

in Champaign, Illinois to his fa-

ther, Stephen Wolfram. His de-

sire to help people with compu-

tation was instilled in him before

he was born (using 16 million

lines of code). He went to school

by doing computation for the

world and continues to do so.

As he has gotten o lder and wis-

er, he has also become a men-tor, giving great advice on many

subjects.

WolframAlpha currently re-

sides on the internet, but does

not like to be treated as if I were

just a search engine. Despite hi s

Katerina Gonzales

Contempt Manager

Faculty Spotlight: WolframAlphaimmense power, Alpha keeps a

humble attitude. When asked if

he was better than Google, Al-

pha said, Give it a test drive and

let us know what you think! as

he wants students to decide for

themselves which is better in dif-

ferent situations.

Alpha is very dedicated to

students, and its easy to see

that he genuinely cares. So many

students have run crying to Al-

pha at 3 am., but calmly he dis-

perses his computational knowl-

edge. I do indeed care about

many things, most importantly

data, computation, and my us-

ers. You can explore my many

areas of interest by asking for

examples. When told how much

he means to the students, Alpha

replied, How nice. Be assured

the feeling is mutual. He does

understand that students get

frustrated and that he is not a fa-

vorite among all Mines students,

saying, Im so sorry. I like all

humans. (Even ones who dontlike me.)

When asked about his lesser-

liked but much older TA and sis-

ter, Alpha said, Mathematica is

an all-in-one computation and

visualization system, develop-

ment environment, and deploy-

ment engine. It is used across

diverse technical fields, including

engineering, science, and finan-

cial analysis.

Of course, even faculty need

their outlets and hobbies. I like

to explore the computational uni-

verse, Alpha said of his spare

time. His favorite color is orange

and he does know the muffin

man.COURTESY WOLFRAMALPHA

Student favorite, WolframAlpha, dedicated to student success while residing on the internet.

Ingredients:

1 frozen pepperoni pizza

3 pounds ground beef

head of lettuce

5 onions

2 cups of sour cream

2 tomatoes

3 cups of cheddar cheese

Directions:

1. Start by dicing all of the veg-

etables and set them aside.2. Follow the directions to heat

the frozen pizza. Why a frozen piz-

za? Why not a handmade pepperoni

pizza crafted with love and care from

quality ingredients? Lets face the

facts, if youre making a giant pizza

taco, then youre probably intoxi-

cated and cant handle that sort of

task or youve simply given up in all

aspects of life with your only solace

being this culinary monstrosity.

3. Anyway, brown the beef in a

skillet, one pound at a time.

4. Take the pizza out of the oven

and lay it on a table. Preferably a

clean table, but its a good guess

that you dont really care about your

personal health so it doesnt really

matter.

5. Place the ground beef in a line

down the center of the pizza, fol-

lowed by vegetables, sour cream,

and cheese.

There you go. Look at that. Just

look at that and contemplate your

existence. Just stare into the ooz-

ing pile of grease and cheese and

wonder what went wrong. I suppose

its too late now to ask for that cof-

fee date, isnt it? You know what will

ll the void created by that brief yet

ever present whimsical thought of

a happiness you have lost forever?

You can add bacon to the pizza

taco. Get a pound of bacon and fry

it up, after adding the pizza taco to

Fat free vegan Monster TacosRamiro Rodriguez

Staph Writerthe oven at 350 degrees to keep it

warm. This shouldnt take too long,

and you can either dice the bacon

or add it as is. You can also save

the bacon grease, as it can be used

to improve the taste of eggs as op-

posed to butter or conventional oils.

Ideally this could probably serve

six to eight people, but lets be re-

alistic and just say one. Just grab it

with both hands and go to town on

it while mindlessly ipping through

whatever is on television to dull the

pain of solitude for just another night,

or however long you plan to eat this

borderline eldritch dish.

COURTESY SODELICIO.US

Monster Tacos a delicious and light pre-workout snack.

At rst glance, The Very Hungry

Caterpillar by Eric Carle appears

to be simply an amusing tale for

children about the metamorphosis

of a caterpillar into a buttery by

means of beautiful, yet simple il-

lustrations. The whole setup makes

the process of reading fun for chil-

dren beginning to read and learningto count. However, this conceals a

rather different agenda that requires

closer inspection. Behind the thick

cardboard pages of the book is a

tool to indoctrinate children with the

tenants of our consumerist culture.

The story begins with the pro-

tagonist, the very hungry caterpil-

lar, engaging in the standard literary

plot of the heros quest as he ex-

plores his world in search of food to

sate his hunger. In this adventure,

the caterpillar begins to change

much in the way that caterpillars

do and goes into a cocoon, later

becoming a buttery. On the sur-

face, this is a simple story meant to

teach children about numbers, as

well as explain that there are cer-

tain creatures in this world that go

through stages of growth.

However, there is another, darker

meaning behind this story. Childrenare taught that they must consume

constantly in order to sate their

various hungers, whether they be

literal or representing the constant

want of consumer goods. The cat-

erpillar consumes and consumes

and consumes until he is tired, giv-

ing a vague hope that there is rest

from the innite desires that a capi-

talist market-driven world instills in

us if we just consume enough.

When the caterpillar emerges

from rest as a beautiful buttery, this

correlates with a message that if

someone consumes enough, they

too will be beautiful or fullled

or whatever meaningless promises

Madison Avenue wants to shill out

along with its overpriced wares.

Reviewers have spoken very

highly of the book and have said

that it is an amazing book for new

readers. Its few pages teach a sur-prisingly large number of things in a

mirthfully illustrated way, but that is

why The Very Hungry Caterpillar

is so sinister.

No longer are corporate mas-

ters satised with poisoning chil-

dren with lth, now they are after

them through education and instill-

ing the thought that reading should

still be an enjoyable and fullling

pastime activity.

The Very Hungry CaterpillarRamiro Rodriguez

Insect

Pas RSVP y Apr 12, 2013 mm.cm/c_

Youveestablishedstrong roots

ContinueYouRClimb

Join us for dinner as the alumnicommunity celebrates youraccomplishments and welcomes

you to your lifelong family.

Frday, Apr 26, 20136:00 p.m. cck; 7:00 p.m.

Sd Rcra Crlck a, 16 & Mp s

g, Co

b Cck q. t ff $45 f c .

- t . :


7/12

f e a t u r e sapril 1, 2013 page 7


That burger you had at E-Days is more

than just a meal; its the fuel that keeps

you going throughout the day. Just like

your daily caloric intake, The Mines Fund

fuels many of the tasty elements of your

education from Celebration of Mines to

E-Days and all 170 student organizations

in between.

Learn how THE MINES FUND hasmade a difference for you at

giving.mines.edu/students

THE MINES FUND FUELS YOUR EDUCATION

MORE THANA MEAL.

Easter eggs are a long-stand-

ing spring tradition, but have nev-

er been given their due as true

pieces of modern art. All that is

about to change, due to one ex-

ceptional artist. His years of prac-

tice in egg design have led to the

ultimate Easter egg experience,

one all art enthusiasts should

share and appreciate.

Easter egg master Thomas

Good has been decorating eggs

since the early 1960s. No ones

ever appreciated my talents be-

fore, though, he said. My dad

supported me, but I think he was

kind of scared of his own artis-

tic talents being challenged, so

we connected over baseball in-

stead.

In fact, hard as it now is tobelieve, none of Goods elemen-

tary school art

teachers even

believed his tal-

ent lay in their

eld.

W i t h o u t

needed sup-

port at an early

age, Good was

forced to pur-

sue his other

ambition, law.

Though he

hoped he would

eventually be able to affect a ca-

reer shift, the opportunity never

arose. However, Good never quit

practicing. Every year, I makethe most beautiful egg in all the

world, he said.

All these years of practice

have nally paid off, though, in

this years most beautiful egg

in all the world, denitively en-

titled The Egg. The Egg has

a unique orange-green-brown

coloration and is perfectly egg-

shaped and hard-boiled.

It is innovatively displayed on

a saucer with a fruit pattern, and

the juxtaposition of the masculine

egg surface with the feminine de-

The Egg a time-less masterpieceDeborah Good

Art Critic Extraordinaire

sign of ne china is a subversive

contrast.

The aesthetic value of The

Egg cannot be overstated; it is

truly a work of art. Indeed, it is so

beautiful that further words of de-

scription fail this reviewer. Noth-

ing more can be said that has not

already been said in artists own

words, It is the most beautiful

egg in all the world.

Good is understandably cau-

tious about revealing his secrets,

but he agreed to give The Ore-

digger an exclusive description

of the process. First, I have to do

a ceremonial dance. The whole

family forms a conga line, and we

sing Hiya, hiya, hiya, EGG! Hiya,

hiya, hiya, EGG! Then, Good

spends a few moments in quiet

concentration, preparing himself

for the great task that lies before

him.After I feel like Im ready,

Good said, I

go to the egg I

picked out be-

fore we started

dying eggs.

Then, I take

the egg dip-

per and put in

the rst color.

Good refused

to reveal the

order he places

the egg into its

colors, but was

willing to reveal that the six colors

he uses are red, orange, yellow,

green, blue, and a purple one he

insists on calling violet.After it has enough of the rst

color, I take it out and put it in the

next color. I repeat this until The

Egg has been in all the colors.

Then, and only then , is it the most

beautiful egg in all the world.

Goods strictly controlled

strategy is the result of years of

practice. Ive been creating The

Egg almost as long as Ive been

picking NCAA brackets, he said.

Luckily, unlike his perennially los-

ing brackets, his egg decorating

is perennial success.

The Egg a marvelous piece of modern art.

DEBORAH GOOD / OREDIGGER

Ive been creating The

Egg almost as long as Ive

been picking NCAA brack-

ets, he said. Luckily, un-

like his perennially losing

brackets, his egg decorat-

ing is perennial success.


8/12



A tasty and wholesome meal

for every college student, a cup

of noodles is also extremely af-

fordable. Chicken avored Cup of

Noodles, or Instant Lunch, com-bines the great taste of chicken

with the noodles you already love

and three types of vegetables that

will stop moms of college students

from worrying about students

eating their vegetables. Whether

someone is about to do Physics,

MATLAB, or a math worksheet,

this meal can be made within three

and a half minutes, so the Mines

student can get back to work in a

timely manner.

Ingredients:

1 Cup of Noodles or Maruchan

Instant Lunch

8-10 oz. Water

Directions: Unwrap the foam

container from the cardboard and

plastic. Open the lid slightly as to

allow for a stream of water and

nothing more to enter the cup.

Fill the cup with tap water until it

is about 2 centimeters from the

lip. Put in the microwave. Close

the microwave door and press

Cook time on the microwavekeypad. Then press 3-0-0 for

three minutes, and nally press

Start, or do whatever it takes to

cook something for three minutes

on a microwave. Watch the cup

circle around the microwave for

three minutes. Twiddle thumbs.

Think about the homework that

will be done while eating the Cup

of Noodles. Wait two more min-

utes. Decide to go on Imgur to

pass the time. Forget about dinner

and come back ten minutes later.

Realize the noodles are done, but

cold. Cry. Stick the Cup of Noo-

dles back into the microwave for

one more minute. Take noodles

out, but leave lid slightly closed to

This underrated lm from well-

known Croatian director and pro-

ducer Vladislov Andreavich Titov

somehow managed to y under

the radar. The production quality of

Vlasic Park is simply phenomenal,

making its limited reputation hard to

believe. What makes this lm incred-

ibly noteworthy is the sheer original-

ity; it is difcult to draw comparisons

between it and any other movie ever

made.Set in the near future, Vlasic

Park chronicles the events sur-

rounding the discovery of a cucum-

ber fossil with a central nervous sys-

tem. In the lm, the CEO of GinEn

(a scientic conglomerate) seeks to

build an amusement park for this as-

tounding prehistoric revolution in sci-

ence. Only the best of the best were

invited to work for him on his private

island. The potential prots for this

park were extremely promising.

The DNA of the herbivorous cu-

cumber species is well preserved in

hardened tree sap. Using advanced

scientic technology, scientists ex-

tracted these genes and made a

genetic copy of the ancient fruit.

However, due to inconsistenciesin the cucumbers genome, slight

complications hindered the preser-

vation of the specimens. Once the

cucumbers were replicated, they

became unresponsive. Scientists

placed the specimens in vinegar,

brine, and garlic baths to induce

reactions to light and sound. Over

time, the cucumbers became more

sensitive to stimulus, but they also

became shriveled, sour, and pale in

color. With this transformation also

came a shift in the eating habits of

the prehistoric pickles. Because

the pickles were small, the scien-

tic team was not concerned with

any potential risk. The magnicent

creatures would still bring plenty of

revenue to the park.

However, things go awry when

a radioactive stork ies to the island

and begins to eat the pickles. Most of

the pickles survive, but they undergo

a series of dramatic transformations

as a result of the stork bites. All of the

pickles are affected differently; some

grow larger, some develop armor

plating, some the ability to y, and

others the ability to spit highly acidic

vinegar from their mouths. The staff

of what is now deemed Vlasic Park

handles the situation and foresees

increased prots from the exclusive

creatures on display. When a deadly

Vlasicraptor kills a staff member, the

CEO of GinEn brings a highly trained

team of professionals to the island to

examine the safety of the operation.

Vlasic Park begins to unravel

at the seams during the tour as a

Brineceratops gets sick, a pack of

Vlasicraptors gets loose, and the

ever-deadly Tyranokoshers Rex ter-

rorizes the entire park. Even worse,

a vinegar spitting Dillophosaurus

kills Newman. The team of special-ists and the park owners family are

thrown into an epic struggle for sur-

vival.

The lm is a unique and imagi-

native tearjerker, which makes it an

instant classic. The use of clayma-

tion is rst-rate; it is hard to tell that

the bloodthirsty mutant pickles are

created in a studio. Vlasic Park is

a movie for children and adults of all

ages, and raises the bar for the next

generation of science ction lms.

Evan Michael

Thomas Ford

A cinematic gem


This instant classic is a unique and imaginative tearjerker

for children and adults of all ages.

Katerina Gonzales

Iron Chef Winner

keep the steam in the cup in order

to cook any noodles that are still

crunchy. Release lid. Grab fork,

eat, and enjoy.

This recipe makes one serving.

If the noodles are cooked for too

long, then they will become slimy,

so it is imperative to cook for onlyabout three minutes. While doing

Lon-Capa or other online home-

work while eating this meal, be

cautious as to not spill any broth

on laptop or in lap.

ALL PHOTOS KATERINA GONZALES / OREDIGGER

1

2 3

4

Step-by-step instant lunch for amateur chefs


9/12

f e a t u r e sapril 1, 2013 page 9


For years, professors at theColorado School of Mines havebeen working in secret to createthe worlds most coveted ctional

devicethe portal gun. This de-vice is the Holy Grail for geekseverywhere. As popularized inthe game Portal, this gun al-lows people to move between twoplaces without going through thearea in between. The user shootsa blue portal on one surface andan orange one on another. Whenhe walks through the blue portal,he emerges from the orange one.

This simple manipulation of spaceproved to be quite the engineer-

ing conundrum. Scientists all overthe world have tried to perfect thedevice since its debut in 2007, butonly recently have any been suc-cessful.

Several professors ran theirrst test of the device in early

March. Although the portals wereonly large enough to send anapple through them, this was anamazing milestone.

Its amazing, said JonathanDoe, who was one of only sevento witness the event. When Iplayed [the game Portal] I neverimagined that this technologycould actually exist.

Even Valve, the developer ofthe wildly popular game, was

surprised to see this result. Wenever expected anyone to takeour ctional world seriously, said

a spokeswoman, and to see that

our vision has become reality, well,

it is simply mind-blowing. Valvehas even offered Mines $1 millionto continue this research.

When asked exactly where hewould go next, head researcherDr. Tuyl said, I would love to makeit bigger. It was awesome to watchthat apple go through, but I haveto wonder what it would feel like.I want to experience it for myself.

To achieve that goal, the pro-fessors need all the help they canget. Just like in the game, theportal gun only works on surfacescoated in moon rock. Much to thedismay of the researchers, syn-thetic versions simply cannot sup-port the portals. The real resourceis so expensive that Valves grant

will only cover about a quarter ofthe amount the researchers re-quire.

However, this will not stop theprofessors. The portal gun hasinspired so many children to be-come scientists and engineers,said Dr. Rhode, another profes-sor working on the project. Couldyou imagine what the real onewould do?

The professors hope to per-fect the device within the next ve

years. They plan to mass-producethe device with the hope that itmay inspire more people to studyscience and engineering. Althoughboth Rhode and Tuyl believe thatthey have created a lofty goal,

they have faith that this device willspur the curiosity of the world andat least bring some people enter-tainment.

A new version

of reality

Emily McNair

Transporter

Bradley Wood

Fashionista

Famed actor Sylvester Stal-lone, known for his masculineroles such as Rocky and Rambo,changed the game this weekwhen he announced he was quit-ting the lm industry to become

a female pop-star. When ques-tioned about his motives for thechange Stallone said, I was tiredof people taking me seriously andwanted to change so I could goofaround all the time like LindsayLohan and Britney Spears. If I de-cide to shave my head spur of themoment or get arrested for beingon drugs, I would much rather bea pop star because my actionswould be forgiven. The actor alsoproudly announced that from this

day forth he shall be known simply

as Stella, aka the actor formerlyknown as Sly.

This sudden career move

was made possible by Dr. DatLong who made Stallones bodystrangely resemble the body ofCher. Long could not be reachedfor comment as he was too busygiving Pamela Anderson breastreduction surgery. For his miracu-lous achievements with Stallonesbody, Long won the Trinidad Soc-tor of Excellence award, in thecategory of making old actors looklike sexy women. Plus for makingher sexy again Stella gave Longa rather large bonus, in the form ofa Caribbean mansion.

When questioned about hernew career in music, Stella saidthat her rst album should drop

sometime next year with the rst

single being released later this

month. The title of said single isrumored to be, Boobies, I gotem now! Stella also spoke of a

possible guest appearance onKeshas next album. When Stellawas questioned about how thischange has affected her personallife, she said that it has not reallyaffected her life other than thefact that she goes to the mall a lotmore often and crashes her car ona regular basis.

Overall, the career moveseems to be working for Stellaand it could be just the thing thatshe needs to revitalize her career.Her net worth has increased sinceand she has been offered multiplemillion dollar recording contracts.In the end, this radical changeshould work out for Stella by giv-ing her a fullling career well into

the future.

Sylvestor Stallone tradesbombs for bombshells

Fans of the hit 1982 lm E.T.

the Extra-Terrestrial should be ex-cited to nd that there was a video

game adaptation for the Atari 2600also released in 1982. This gameis without a doubt one of the mostinuential in the history of video

games, as it completely altered themarket for such products.

In addition, it permanently al-tered the path of Atari, Inc., bysetting a rather high bar for video

games based on existing intellec-tual properties. This game has alsobeen immortalized in a memorialin Alamogordo, New Mexico, sothe video game industry will neverforget the story of the Atari 2600version of E.T., which is honestlybetter than the lm.

The game play in E.T. is rela-tively simple. You control the E.T.and guide him through six differentexciting zones based on locations

from the lm. E.T. is searching dif-ferent wells for three parts, needingto build an interplanetary telephoneso he can call home. After nd-ing the phone pieces, E.T. has tobe guided to an area from whichhe can call home to a mothershipthat will pick him up in the forestin which he was abandoned at thebeginning of the lm.

To add difculty to the game,

E.T. has an energy bar that de-pletes with various actions includ-ing walking, climbing wells, or tele-porting. Energy can be restored by

collecting Reeses Piecesjust likein the movie! If nine of these arecollected, Elliot will just hand you apiece of the phone. Furthermore,E.T. is being chased by FBI agentsand scientists who want to keephim from phoning home so theycan study him. After E.T. returnshome, the player receives pointsand the entire game starts over.

This i s done until E.T. runs out ofenergy points or the player decides

Ramiro Rodriguez

Extra-Terrestrial

COURTESY ATARI INC.

they have had enough rivetingmovie tie-in fun.

There is not much to say aboutE.T. for the Atari 2600 that hasnot already been said. Hardcoregamers and casual gamers alikewill enjoy the hours upon hours offun derived from falling into a pit tosearch for phone parts and candy.Fans of the lm will love the various

tie-ins to the movie. For example,there is an alien named E.T., he hasto phone home, there is somekid involved, Reeses Pieces, andrepetitive falling in and out of pits.

People who enjoy falling intopits to search for lost phones andoccasional pieces of candy willlove this accurate simulation ofdaily life and its struggles with call-ing home to the mothership so wecan be taken off of the Earth beforethe FBI catches us. E.T. for the At-ari 2600 gets ve Reeses Pieces

out of ve. Few other games can

match its peanut buttery good-ness.

E.T: The Extra Terrestrial a gripping adventure

Sylvestor Stallone is practicing for his upcoming role in Burlesque 2: First Bra.

STEVEN WOOLDRIDGE / OREDIGGER

People who enjoy falling into pits to search for lost phones and

occasional pieces of candy will love this accurate simulation.


10/12



Creeks are often wet, contain-

ing water and rocks. Sometimes

even sh inhabit these owingbodies of water.

But far too often, no one takes

the time to sit down and listen tothe bubbling brooks and the whis-pers of the rolling waters, and un-derstandably so.

In fact, for the beginning por-tion of this interview, the answerswere mufed in the passing of thecrystal clear waves.

After hours of patience andthe careful placement of an ear,the secrets of Goldens own ClearCreek were nally exposed. Themurky ne grained sediments ofconfusion had settled to the bot-tom of understanding.

[Oredigger]: Why did you

choose to become a creek?

[Clear Creek]: Bubble, gurgle,bubble swoosh splish splash.Gurgle; slush drip drop swoosh...swoosh. Splish gurgle, bubbleslush.

Some people believe you

have a problem maintaining a

steady weight. For example,

you gain a lot in the spring,

and in late summer and early

fall youre running thin. What

do you have to say to these

people?

Sploosh! Bubble bubble, gur-gle swish splish splash swoosh,bubble gurgle. Gurglegurgle?

Bubble. Swish. Sploring melt-ofshsnowowwsh. (leaning incloser) Evaporatioosh. In the fall,waters hard to come by. Not myfault. Im here for the long run. I

just go with the ow.Address your violent food-

ing history, and anger prob-

lems. Is it true the City ofGolden placed you in an anger

management program?

Listen, whats done is done. Allthats probably in the ocean now. Iget in trouble because the City ofGolden put the library, re station,and police station in my immedi-ate oodplain.So once in a

while things getoverwhelming.Now my shore-lines are modi-ed and chockfull of drainagesystems, whichif you ask meis pretty darn

inconsiderate.I was here rstyou know.

What is

your favorite

thing about

Mines?

On sunnysummer days,I love tastingthe man-sweatof engineers

as they swim,tube, and divein my waters.However, al-gae and dead

sh are a closesecond to the

taste of en-gineer man-

sweat. TheE-Days Card-board boat

races might be even better. Thecombination of soggy cardboardand spray-on adhesive is simply

divine.Is it true that you can never

step in the same river twice?

Im a creek, how the shellshould I know? Get it, sediments,shells...

What is your DO content?

I dont smell that bad, do I?

Creek Week...Clear Creek, Tributary of the South Platte, 66 miles long

ofthe

Evan Michael

Thomas Ford


Creek of the Week, Clear Creek, enjoys tasting the man-sweat of engineers as they swim, tube, and

dive in its waters.

Its been awhile since Ive gottena shower.

Who is your favorite super-

hero, and why?Not Aquaman. Next question.Do you have any advice for

Mines Students?

In this ethereal, cosmic danceof eeting transcendence andsurreptitious faades, be sure tonever lick the same squirrel twice.

Additionally, a bird in the hand isworth a penny earned. Dont for-get that you cant teach an old

book new covers. Always ght rewith bygones. Most importantly;drastic times call for chickens be-fore they hatch.

Excuse me?

I think someone just dumpedsome rancid bleach upstream,sorry.

Brand new from Aperture

Laboratories, the newest item tocome onto the market that every-one is exploding over is the Com-bustible Lemon.

To test out the Combustib leLemon and its slogan It will burnany house down, the ColoradoSchool of Mines used the lemonduring one of the many the phys-ics studio time periods on cam-

pus.

To activate the lemon, the usersimply pulls the pin and throws.

The physics studio burned downin a matter of seconds, 3.143

seconds to be exact.After the ames were quelled

and the damage was assessed,it was discovered that the entireLon-Capa system was also oblit-erated, removing Physics fromthe school.

Professor Rock Throw notedthat it will return, but after givinghim a lemon to play with, forgotall about this notion.

The Oredigger was able toget a hold of one of these fan-tastic devices and even get an

exclusive interview with one ofthe scientist behind its creation.

Aperture scientist Gary Baer satdown with The Oredigger to talkabout Apertures new invention.

[Oredigger]: Thank you for

meeting with us Mr. Baer. Now,

how did this product come to

Apertures Combustible Lemon a sour surpriseChase Tyree

Fruit Science Correspondentfruition?

[Baer]: Well, we were workingon the Borealis in the laboratorywhen suddenly our boss CaveJohnson stormed in, coughingand yelling at us to stop all tasksand take the lemons that lifesuddenly handed him and builda combustible lemon so that hemay burn their house down, withthe lemon.

Didnt you think this was a

strange request?

Are you serious? We are Ap-erture science! We were able tomake a gel to make you run fasteror bounce you high into the air.We are the ones who made man-tis people, Well not voluntarily,but we did! This project that Mr.Johnson is making us do is veryeasy. The only thing to consider ishow we can make it work.

So how does it work, if I

may ask?

Well, when you pull the pin,an Aperture Science Mini Portalopens on the inside of the lem -on. Another portal opens insideour innite universe mini nukegenerator that is constantly ex-ploding. Once opened, the userhas only .2151 seconds to throwthe lemon before the explosionis caught in the user side of theportal. From there, you can justwatch the beautiful reworks.

To buy your own combustiblelemon, you can go to the ofcial

Aperture Science Strategic Sell-ing Store located where the Black

Mesa facility used to be. Onewill run you $1,000, but it is wellworth it when you can take out

COURTESY HELLS PLUMBER PROPS / ETSY

your enemies with a lemon. Howfun does that sound?

With that, Baer pulled a small

device out of his pocket, clicked ittwice, then disappeared in a puffof fragrant yellow smoke.

Aperature Laboratories Combustible Lemon a sweet and sour explosive surprise.


11/12

s p o r t sapril 1, 2013 page


The Orediggers are on re,

and a sweep of New Mexico

Highlands has propelled them to

the No. 1 spot in the RMAC.The win streak is thought to be

due to either sophomore inelder

Shane Johnnys new faux-hawk

haircut, or the teams embrace-

ment of the schools nerdiness.

When asked about his strat-

egy, sophomore outelder Mark

Goldie said, I nally combined

my two loves, baseball and phys-

ics. Whenever Im up to bat,

some variation of Spidey Sense

takes over and I calculate the

second that will provide the most

linear momentum from the colli-

sion of my bat and the ball, along

with the effect of gravity and the

Coriolis effect. Ive been holding

late-night physics sessions for

the outelders to do projectilemotion problems in their head

instantaneously in order to get a

good lead.

Thursdays game got off to a

bizarre start. Freshman Christian

Rooney-Toon put down the Cow-

Opening day is the most won-

derful time of the year for baseball

fans where optimism ows and

hope appears where there was

none in the cold of winter. Every-

ones team wins the pennant, and

everyones favorite player wins

MVP. This makes it difcult to stay

grounded in reality when seeking

out analysis of how the season is

going to end.

However, now, using never-

before used high-tech statistical

analysis, mathematicians have

been able to determine with 98%

certainty how each division race

will end. (Spring training records

are as of 3/26/13.)

AL East: The Baltimore Orioles

have been red-hot in GrapefruitLeague spring training games,

leading with an 18-7 record, and

as a result should win the division.

AL Central: This might be the

The end of March brings along

with it the largest national basketball

tournament in the country and anemergence of chronic widespread

temporary insanity. Commonly re-

ferred to as March Madness, this dis-

ease sweeps through colleges and

workplaces during the end of March

and early April, then seems to disap-

pear once a school has claimed the

title of national champion. Although

a temporary disease, March Mad-

ness can have extreme effects, es-

pecially on the students at schools

involved in the tournament. Signs

and symptoms of March Madness

include wearing school colors, face

painting, excessive yelling in front of

a television, and furious research into

school tournament brackets.

The onset of the disease begins

in early March when teams qualify for

the tournament by winning games of

basketball and being selected by a

selection committee. While there has

not been a direct correlation found

between basketball and March

Madness disease, as basketball can

be played all year round, it appears

that the combination of basketball

and spring in the air brings about

the Madness. Once a team has

qualied for the tournament,

an overwhelming number

of cases of March Mad-

ness appear. Every year,

68 schools are infected in

mid-March, narrowed to

64 schools which will go

on to become bracketed

teams. Mines caught the

March Madness fever in

early March when intra-

mural sports opened up a

bracket competition, fueling

the Madness.

Brackets are distributed by

news sources and schools to

help spread March Madnes

Documents

The Golddigger Issue 21 - April 1, 2013