The Goddess Within by Sally-Anne Russell

8/3/2019 The Goddess Within by Sally-Anne Russell

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I AM GODDESS~SACRED

FEMININE

My S to r y

Wr i t ten By

Sally-Anne Russell



As far back as I can remember I knew I loved being a girl! I had two brothers and I realised

I was different to them and I thought I was special. Dressing up in a frilly dress and ribbons

in my hair, I was in my element. Anything my Mum did I wanted to do, I would watch her

as she applied her makeup and styled her hair and I wanted to do the same, I did try with

some lipstick but at 4 years old you can imagine the result! If Mum had curlers in her hair,

so did I, while she was looking after my baby brother, I would care for my baby dolly, feed

her, change her, rock her to sleep and put her in her cot. Even at that age I knew I want-

ed one day to be a mother. To be honest my thoughts were clearer to me then as a young

girl than they ever were as a young adult ~sigh~

My family emigrated from England by ship “MS Bretagne” in 1961, two years earlier, I was

just a year old, but I do remember vividly being seasick the whole time, I still get sick!!

Australia was having its “Summer” at the time of our arrival on December 24th and we hadleft snow and freezing temperatures in London, so we had a terrible time adjusting to the

climate, it was very hot. Mum put us in a cold bath to cool us down each day so it helped.

My Mum and Dad eventually got jobs to support us and the care of my brothers (Tim and

Jeff) and I, was left to our Nanna Elizabeth Wright and our Uncle James. Our Nanna was as

she put it “from good stock”, her family were very rich and had butlers and housemaids

while she was growing up. When she was about 25 she met and married my Grandfather,

“George Edgar Wright”, unfortunately her father didn’t approve of the union and she was

disowned by her family and their wealth. She married because she fell in love and it did-

n’t alter her path and she accepted it and lived the life she wanted on her terms. She was

always a very strong woman, fiercely independent and didn’t let it her fathers rejectionaffect her.

We began to love our new home in this big country and things settled into a familiar rou-

tine. Once a week we used to go with Nan and Uncle Jim into the city, it was the highlight

of the week for me! We would travel on the bus and I really looked forward to the 25 mi-

nute journey peering out of the huge back window of the bus, waving at the cars and other

travellers behind us. Nan would take us to lunch at a department store restaurant, it was

huge and it had all the food in glass cabinets, we would walk along with a tray and pick out

what we wanted and then pay at the register. Today it would be called a “Food Hall”. I

always chose the same big plate of pikelets with butter and jam, they tasted so good!



I am a creature of habit, I do know that! We would go shopping afterwards and then catch

another bus back home later in the afternoon. We would have a few trinkets and treasures

that Nanna had bought for us on our travels, I always chose packs of pretty makeup, a doll,

handbag or a Fantasy Storybook, Angels, Fairies, Mermaids, Princesses, Unicorns and Drag-

ons interested me and I would often daydream that I was living in a magical enchanting

world just like I read in these books. I still love a good Fantasy Novel.

The most memorable time for me was the night before our city trips, nanna would let me

help her and I was wide eyed and intent on hearing her every uttered word. She would

iron her clothes and ours too and she would say to me, “It is important for a lady to take

care of herself, to give a good account of her character”. Femininity she said was some-

thing to be proud of and to never forget that. I was only young and a lot of what she said I

didn’t understand at the time, but I do know that she instilled in me how important, won-

derful and beautiful being a woman could be. She believed she was a Goddess and she

lived until the age of 86 and died early one morning peacefully in her sleep. By the time

she died, I was a young married mother of three children and it had a very traumatic ef-fect on me as it was the first death in my family and not something I was familiar with.

She had such a big influence on my life, so after her funeral I didn’t know how to feel, or

what I was supposed to do anymore?

After my nanna’s death I lost my “Uncle Jim” from “Pulmonary Embolism” My “Mum” from

“Ovarian Cancer” and “Dad” from “Parkinson’s Disease” and “Pneumonia” in quick succes-

sion, two years each apart, much to my horror and I was so badly affected I became se-

verely depressed and suffered anxiety attacks and was prescribed numerous anti-

depressants. I don’t want to dwell but will touch on the fact that my childhood was made

very unhappy at times because of an abusive father. Most of my happy memories were

made so by my “Mum” and “Nan” Especially Christmas Holidays which I remember well. I

never really knew my father, who he was or understood him which is very sad, he served in

WWII in the navy and it as my Nan would say “ruined him”. My father is another story all

by itself, all I can say is that I have dealt with it and I have let it go, I forgive him.

For many years I did embrace the “I am a Victim” state of mind very well indeed, unable

to move forward and I was stuck. I didn’t like who I was, or even know the real me, and

honestly I didn’t know what to do, where to go to get help or where to start? My life felt

like a whole big bunch of failures and mistakes and I was my own worst enemy. I believed

that bad things happened to me because I somehow deserved it and I was being punished.



I was brought up in a Christian household, Dad was a very strict Catholic and Mum was

Church of England, we attended church every Sunday and I continued to be part of a

church most of my life and during this time while I was depressed I was counselled by

church elders, mentors and they would tell me to pray to God and to trust in Him. I feltlike some heathen because I was still depressed and the fact that all they’re advice hadn’t

worked had me more down in the dumps than ever. My Father always said that if bad

things happen you must be doing wrong or sinning, I believed that, wrongly as I would find

out later in my life.

I was around 30 years old and I was on and off anti-depressants most of the time, I can’t

remember a time really when I was drug free, I thought that was my lot and I was a mental

failure and I accepted it without realising with big outstretched open arms! I married at

18 and I had four children, Naomi, Paul, Lisa and Joshua. They are grown up now and I am

the proud grandmother of eight gorgeous grandchildren, Lisa, Samarah, Harry, James, Dar-

ren, Aaliyah, Ashaelah and Tanesha. I have been married 4 times, one marriage, briefly

with an abusive man and at that time I really hit rock bottom. Life for me went on and so

did my depression in the background the whole time.

I have had a relatively happy life but the Depression was always there, like a noose around

my neck. I was told that I would have to take anti-depressants for the rest of my life and

that made me more depressed. I know that you may ask the question, “Why did I believe I

was a failure because I had “Depression”? As I have learnt, it was how I felt about myself,

I didn’t know who I was and I had no self -love, confidence or self-esteem. I was an expert

at putting myself down, no one could do it as good as I did then. The way I dealt with life

was to expect the worst, so ultimately that’s what I got.



This past few years have been a revelation to me and at the proud age of 50 this past Jan-

uary I can honestly say I have changed and I will tell you how this amazing transformation

within me took place and how I got to where I am now, happy, spiritual, joyful, peaceful

and enjoying my journey in life!!

The Internet is truly an amazing tool and it was by accident that I came across the Goddess

Circle and Leonie. I was intrigued at first and had never heard of the worship of the God-

dess and I knew I had to join to find out more, mostly out of curiosity, my heart was open

to learn and I do believe I was meant to find this site. So I signed up and waited for my

membership to be confirmed and shortly after it came through I opened up the Goddess

Circle page and started to explore. Wow, is all I could say! As a Christian I was led to be-

lieve that loving yourself is last on your list that you should love others more. I am in no

way putting Christianity down, I am still a Christian. And I still attend the Baptist Church.

The difference now is my thought patterns. My father’s warped advice and statements are

not principles that they advocate at all. I know that now.

It was on the “Goddess Circle” that I realized that for most of my life I had never really

loved myself or felt I truly deserved to be happy, and it was then I went into my bedroom

and sat on the bed and I looked at myself in the dressing table mirror and I stared for a

very long time. It came to me! I needed to stop punishing “ME” and allow myself to heal

and let all of the negative thoughts and beliefs GO!! I was in a crazy holding pattern, go-

ing around in circles and not going anywhere! Waiting for absolution, another tragedy,

something, I just didn’t know what? Maybe I thought whatever I was waiting for would ar-

rive on my doorstep?



This was a life changing moment for me and I was utterly amazed at how much better Istarted to feel by accepting myself warts and all! I had taken the pressure off and with

that I felt different, I was lighter, the world became brighter, my future became clearer,

and to find out who I was and what I want from my life was my first priority. I had some-

how believed I was damaged and all the tragedy is all I deserved, I expected it to always

ruin and affect my life. I wanted out badly!! I wanted to empty out that “Gunny sack of

pent up hurt, anger, pain, trauma, regret, confusion and sadness forever! It was like car-

rying around the weight of the world on my shoulders and not realizing it. And oh boy! It

was so crippling. To change my situation I knew I could do that by changing me! By think-

ing differently I can alter the path I am on, I was so excited at the prospect and bubbled

over with ideas and slowly but surely, tiny baby steps at a time I finally found ME, who Iam, what I wish for, my hopes for the future and I am now making my dreams reality.

I am on a journey of self-discovery, being true to me and it is the most liberating time in

my entire life. I am learning so much about myself that I didn’t know and when I realise

something else it astounds me right to the very soul every single time! The good news by

my major transformation is the fact I no longer take Lithium anymore and have been off

the medication since last October 2010! (If I had to take medication again, I am fine with

that too, it may be necessary, but I am not afraid of it anymore, or see it as a failure!) I

am doing brilliantly and my depression is very stable. All those years ago as a little girl, I

was so sure of my path, I had a plan, I wanted that back, to be positive and to be sure of myself, not doubting and self-critical! As I grew up, I lost who I was along the way.



The masculine influence in my life overshadowed my sense of feminine in my childhood

and in my adulthood, by circumstances, abuse, trauma and death, it gradually disappeared

without me noticing it, I had no idea what was missing until I found it again on the

“Goddess Circle”. It has helped me to understand why I behave like I do? I know I am an“Empath”, Intuitive, I take on the emotions and feelings of others and it affects me, I am

overwhelmed in crowds and quite often have to retreat to a quiet place to recover. I

could never work out why this happened? I am learning more and more every day about

this and I am currently using a “Zip Up” technique to protect myself, its working, I am still

slightly impaired, but at least now I have an answer to a whole lot of questions. I remem-

ber telling my doctor years ago and he said I suffered with “Panic Attacks” and prescribed

me sedatives! I feel like I have had a lifetime of being confused and misunderstood, never

really finding out why and how to heal myself! I just believed what I was told without

question?

Its been a lifetime of storing up every negative incident that has happened to me, keeping

me in emotional limbo. To this day I don’t know why I did that? It was like being blinded

to the truth, maybe I was afraid at what I might find, all I can say for sure is that I felt

numb, avoiding everything and anything that caused me pain and heartache, I didn’t feel I

was strong enough to handle it. For most of my life I have denied myself the freedom to

deal with a crisis in an open way, I tried to ignore it, bury it in my subconscious and pre-

tend it didn’t happen! I believe I was trying to protect myself but ultimately it was harmful

in the worst possible way.

During this past year I have had to face a lot of demons. It has caused pain, hurt, emotion-

al anguish, and many tears. It has been necessary so I can move forward, to leave my pastwhere it belongs and to recognize and accept that all of my emotions and reactions are

normal and ok! I gave myself permission to cry and to feel and deal with all of it. My

head hurt, my stomach ached, and I was consumed and overwhelmed to the point of ex-

haustion. I had at last freed myself from the chains of grief and anxiety, the relief I felt

was exhilarating, release at last! It felt good!

My life is changing, sometimes I have days where old thought patterns can creep in, but

now I am better able to face them and to take the time to look after myself, to be patient,

to love myself enough to not see it as another big failure or a tragedy to ignore and store

up for later. I face whatever it is head on now and accept and embrace my emotions as

normal and a necessary part to healing. I have been meditating and for me, it is the very

first experience I have had with this, I used to think it was some “new age” quirky thing to

do. How wrong I was! I feel so relaxed and centred after a meditation, its easier to listen

to my mind and body and what it needs and to take appropriate action! I am a meditation

convert I am happy to announce! I look forward to waking in the mornings now, and I see

it as an opportunity to grow more and to be thankful for everything I have in my life, I am

very blessed. I have an amazing husband, Malcolm, we have been together for five years,

married for two this January 3rd. We went to Europe for our honeymoon and we are re-

turning again this Christmas and New Year! (me, jumping up and down and clapping for

joy!) My children and grandchildren are my world and I relish every moment I spend with

them!



Sometimes it is easy to dwell on the negative things and not realise all the good within

your life and that describes how I used to think. Not now! Life is good, my mind is clearer

and I don't want to miss a thing! I still have to pinch myself sometimes, and I will tell you

why? I didn't have to do anything to change my life physically as such (not straight away

anyway), it started with a thought, I changed my mind! I didn't move house, get married

or anything else, I only changed ME and my mind!! Now, isn’t that MIND Boggling! Ichanged my thought patterns and altered my beliefs and in the process, “Hello” ME!

Once upon a time there was a little girl who knew for certain where her life would take

her and believed without a doubt her every wish would come true! That same little girl is

within me and she IS there, she was hiding and forgot everything she knew, but now she is

back, bigger, brighter and better than ever and is on her journey and enjoying every mo-

ment totally and completely, in all its glory!

I am a unique spirit, brave, courageous, independent and strong. This is my “Journey”, my

path, my life and I acknowledge I am worthy of happiness, I am not a failure or deserve

pain and suffering and I give myself time to heal completely. I am a Goddess, Empath, In-

tuitive, Creative Spirit, Humanitarian, Lover of animals, Mother and Wife. I have many ti-

tles and roles in this world, but the best title of all I am “Me”! Finding the “Goddess”

within me has given me true joy in my heart and deep down in my soul, she lives, I invoke

and embrace her with every fibre of my being!

~Blessed Be~



My Ten Scrumptiously Gorgeous Easy Tools/Tips to put a smile on any

Goddess face!

1 Each month I do something that is similar to a “Dream board”, but instead of just

putting all the pictures on a board, I make a “Paper Doll” of myself and I put “Me”

on the board first, then I add my favourite things, places I want to go to, things I

want to achieve etc. I buy lots of magazines and they are a great source for the

photos and images, I try to be realistic as possible, I add photos of things I know I

will achieve for sure, although there is no harm in having hopes and dreams and

just add what you feel led to put on your board. I enjoy sewing and craft so I deco-

rate it once my pictures and writing are in place, with glitter, ribbons and other

embellishments. Voila! Now to hang it on the wall where you can see it! Here is a

photo of a board I did based on my time in the 70’s, I became a woman, had my

first child, it was my heyday, I added photos and memorabilia from that era, I hung

it up and it made me smile! So you are only limited by your imagination! Most im-

portantly, Have Fun!

2 Everyone has days where you wish you could go back to bed and get up again. Be-

lieve you me, I have a few like that and I want to curl up and not participate in an-

ything. I will make myself a healthy breakfast of fresh fruits in season, some Green

Tea, or other herbal beverage and sit in the lounge, I light my candles, put on some

beautiful music and enjoy! I like to think about all the blessings in my life and try

to banish the negativity completely! (I must admit though on the weekends I love to

lie around in bed, read, listen to music, cuddle with my cute husband, that’s ok

too! Having an occasional lazy veg out day is very restorative!)



3 On my days where I need a little pick me up, I go on my shopping trip I fondly call

“Budget Trinkets &Treasures”, we have three or four stores where you can find the

best bargains and usually I don’t spend any more than about ten dollars! Retail

Therapy is great fun! My favourite treasures to buy are candles, incense, craft

items, makeup,

4 Sing really loudly, play music and do a funny dance, laugh at your antics and then

collapse in a giggling heap on the floor (or the couch, might be safer for us Elder

Women, Crones, he he!)

5 I adore going through old “photos” and “video’s” reminiscing about happy times

with our close friends and family is a brilliant way to boot those blues out the

door!!

6 Have a bubble bath, light candles, sip your favourite drink and eat something total-

ly decadent, yummy!! Smother yourself in gorgeous smelling body lotion, do your

nails and anything else to feel absolutely pampered!

7 Go to your secret or sacred place, anywhere you can relax and just sit taking in

your beautiful peaceful surroundings and connect with “Mother Earth”. If the

weather isn’t favourable, I sit on my big red pillow at home and light my altar can-

dles and meditate and bliss out for a time.

8 I am a “Creative” spirit, so starting a new project and thinking up new ideas and

planning is a great way to ditch the “Down in The Dumps Day” to bits!

9 Bake a cake, prepare a romantic candlelit dinner with all the bells and whistles, I

love to surprise Malcolm, it is an easy way to banish the blues!

10 Arrange to meet your girlfriends for morning or afternoon tea, indulge in some

more retail therapy, see a movie, visit a museum, anything that you love!



Copyright to Sally-Anne Russell 2011

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The Goddess Within by Sally-Anne Russell