THE GOAL OF COUNSELLING IS TO SUPPORT PEOPLE …

A project of the Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute (CTRI)

REFLECTIVE EXERCISES • WORKSHEETS • MAPPING ACTIVITIES • COPING STRATEGIES

Handouts and Exercises for Working With People

EDITED BY Wilma Schroeder

THE GOAL OF COUNSELLING IS TO SUPPORT PEOPLE as they move toward their goals of managing themselves, their life issues, and their relationships. For helpers and counsellors, one way to provide this support is to use experiential learning activities to facilitate the development of new insights and skills.

This book contains a wide variety of counselling resources based on an equally diverse range of counselling theories, including cognitive behavioural, narrative, family systems, and mindfulness. The resources are formatted as handouts that can be copied or printed and given to the person you are supporting. Activities include questionnaires, worksheets, reflective exercises, mapping activities, safety plans, and coping strategies. Most of the resources are applicable to many issues, while others have a more specific focus and can be assigned in sequence so that their insights and strategies build on each other.

This workbook is designed for helpers and counsellors to use in the context of a helping relationship, where additional depth and guidance can be provided – it is not a self-help book. By providing multiple resources to draw upon, this book supports helpers and counsellors to feel more confident as they support others.

The activities in this workbook are suitable for working with people 16 years of age and older. All activities can either be photocopied or you can access printable PDFs on our website.

Wilm

a Schroeder$29.99 CAN $24.99 USA

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COUNSELLINGACTIVITIES

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ABOUT THE EDITORWilma Schroeder is a trainer and consultant with the Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute. She is a family therapist and former mental health nurse, and she holds a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.

CRISIS & TRAUMA RESOURCE INSTITUTE

This workbook has something for almost every person. It’s well organized so you can quickly reference the skills and techniques that will be most useful.

—Anne Whitford Fast, Psychotherapist, A Healing Journey

What a wonderful, well-organized, and practical workbook! It covers a wide range of counselling concerns and provides clear strategies that are suitable for many different ages.

—Denise Sargeant, Marriage and Family Therapist

This is a wonderful addition to any counsellor’s bookshelf. The activities are relevant to many aspects of treatment and are easy to use with people of all abilities.

—Sarah Philbrick-Djerfi, Social Worker


WORKBOOK



WORKBOOK


Copyright © 2021 by ACHIEVE Publishing. All rights reserved.

This book contains original handouts and exercises, exclusive with ACHIEVE Publishing and fully protected by copyrights. The original purchaser of this book is authorized to reproduce and use the handouts in this book with those they support in a counselling setting. The handouts in this book may not be reprinted or resyndicated in whole or in part as a book, collection, or reproducible handout, or for any other purpose, without the written permission of the publisher.

Published by ACHIEVE Publishing120 Sherbrook Street, Winnipeg, Manitoba R3C 2B4www.achieve-publishing.com

Bulk discounts available. For details contact:ACHIEVE Publishing at 877-270-9776 or [email protected]

Printed with vegetable-based inks on 100% PCW paper.

ISBN: 978-1-988617-18-3 (Canadian edition)ISBN: 978-1-988617-19-0 (US edition)ISBN: 978-1-988617-20-6 (ebook)

Printed and bound in CanadaFirst edition, first printing

Book design by Ninth and May Design Co.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Disclaimer: The publisher, editor, and authors disclaim any implied warranties for a particular purpose. The advice and strategies contained in this book may not be suitable for your situation. This publication is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, medical, or other professional services.

INTRODUCTION

CHANGE AND PLANNING

Costs and Benefits of Working on Change

My Motivations for Change

Inspirational Hero

Ready, Willing, and Able

Thinking About Making a Change

Identifying Your Barriers to Change

Planning for Change

Being Proactive in Decision-making

Goal Setting for Substance Use

My Weekly Goals

My Long-term Goals

Tracking My Strategies

Applying My Strategies to Future Goals

COPING AND STRESS

Stress: Assessing My Experience

My Places of Stress

Red Flags: My Cues to Pause

My Coping Strategies

Rating My Strategies

Building a Coping Toolkit

TABLE OF CONTENTS

IX

1

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

15

16

17

19

20

22

23

24

25

Stress Management and Lifelines

Restoring Restful Sleep

Moving From Stress Into Recovery

Getting Organized

SELF-AWARENESS AND SELF-ESTEEM

My Self-Esteem Inventory

My Wellness Pie

Circles of My Multilayered Self

Storytelling With Specific Strengths

Identifying and Understanding My Mind and Body Clues

Thinking About My Body

What Influences My Body Image?

Excessive Exercise Questionnaire

Eating Habits Questionnaire

COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL STRATEGIES

Reducing Self-criticism

ABC Log

Identifying Cognitive Distortions

Predicting Challenges

Circle of Control

Spoken and Unspoken Rules

Building Reasonable Thoughts

26

27

28

29

30

32

33

34

35

36

37

38

39

40

41

44

45

46

48

49

50

52

Challenging Stress Thoughts

Recognizing Positive Self-talk

Replacing Negative Names With Loving Labels

Change My Language, Change My Feelings

Reframing My Experiences

Challenging Problematic Thoughts

Managing Problematic Substance Use Thoughts

Challenging Catastrophic Thinking

Practicing Positive Self-talk

Interrupting and Stopping Worry Loops

Reversing My Response

Identifying Problem Behaviours and Creating Replacements

Identifying Triggers

Healthy Habits Log

Compulsive Coping Log

Behaviour Change Worksheet

BODY AND MOVEMENT

Movement and Connection With the Body

Identifying Body Clues

Making the Mind–body Connection

Rhythmic Movement

Neck Rolls

Sensation Charades

Identifying Sensations

Embodying the Warrior Within

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

BREATHING

The Mechanics of Breathing

Mindfulness to Breath Meditation

Counting My Breathing

Relaxation Breathing

Rain Shower Breath

53

54

56

57

58

60

61

62

63

64

66

68

69

70

71

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76

77

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80

81

82

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84

85

86

89

90

91

92

93

Mindful Breathing Tips

MINDFULNESS AND CALMING

Being Mindful in Daily Life

Tips for Calming and Settling

Observing My Experiences

Developing Observer Ability

Observing Breath Exercise

Quieting the Nervous System

Finding My Centre: Anchoring and Resourcing

Rooting to the Ground: Breath Visualization

Techniques for Embodying Resources

Learning the Language of the Body

Exploring the Internal Sense: Body Scan

The Strangeness of Being Still

Calming and Settling: Forward Fold

Fully Relaxing

Skillful Soothing

Warm Water Wash Visualization

Transformation Visualization

Using Imagination: Mountain Meditation

My Special Place

My Own Visualization

EMOTIONS

Recognizing Anxiety Worksheet

Feelings and Needs Log

Resource Emotion List

Create an Emoji

Understanding My Emotions

Myths About Emotions

Understanding My Emotional Sensitivity

Coping With Emotions

Using Emotions Well

Skills for Distraction

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98

99

100

101

102

103

104

105

106

108

109

110

111

112

113

114

115

116

117

118

119

121

122

123

124

125

126

127

129

130

132

Anger Identification and Regulation

Pendulation Activity

SAFETY PLANS

When to Reach Out

My Safety Plan

CONNECTING AND RELATIONSHIPS

Identifying Priorities in an Interaction

Relationship Quiz

My Supports

Having a Healthy Social Support Network

Eco-map: Mapping My Relationships

Relationship Circle Activity

Markers of a Healthy Friendship

Exploring the Experience of Attunement

Starting the Boundary Dialogue

Attending to Boundaries

Identifying Values in Romantic Relationships

What Roles Do We Play?

Healthy Families Functioning Questionnaire

Using Art to Connect With Family

Family Memories

Blended Family Life Cycle Matrix

Genogram: Mapping My Family

Parenthood: Mapping Circles of Influence

My Parenting Strengths

Connecting Children’s Needs to Resources

COMMUNICATION

Communication Quiz

Listening Habits Quiz

Finding My Assertiveness Style

How Assertive Am I?

Active Listening

Choosing My Response

Offering My Opinion

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144

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151

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154

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160

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162

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165

166

167

168

170

172

174

176

177

178

179

The Confident No

Making Requests

Persuasion Exercise

Receiving Negative Feedback

CONFLICT

How Ready Am I to Handle Conflict?

Difficult Conversation Checklist

Beliefs About Conflict

The Roots of Conflict

The Five Ws of Conflict

Places of Conflict

Positive Results of Working Through Conflict

Clearing Up Misunderstandings

Two Sides to a Conflict

Changing Difficult Relationships

Reacting to Conflict

Focus On “I” Not “You”

PRINTING INSTRUCTIONS

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

SPEAKING AND TRAINING

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COUNSELLING ACTIVITIES WORKBOOK Ix

There are many theories about counselling and numerous ideas of how it is best approached, but one common element among many of them is the use of activities that can help people develop new insights and skills. Activities such as written worksheets, questionnaires, skills practice activities, and creative expression tools are valuable for both the counsellor and the person they are supporting. They provide active and experiential learning, helping the person move from discussion to action. Through activities, the person becomes more able to monitor their own change process, remember what was discussed in a session, and practice new skills.

Since 2007, the Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute (CTRI) has developed over 50 workshops in the areas of trauma, mental health, and counselling skills. We regularly hear from participants that the resources found in our training manuals are beneficial not just for the training, but for future reference and use in their practice. In addition to resource manuals, CTRI has published two books on the topic of counselling: Counselling Insights and Counselling in Relationships. This workbook is a compilation of key activities and resources found in both our resource manuals and our books.

Many experienced counsellors have contributed to these resources, including the creation of various activities and some of the section introductions in this workbook.

WHO THIS BOOK IS FORThe ultimate goal of this book is to assist people who are experiencing emotional or relational distress and help them find new ways of experiencing and managing themselves, their life issues, and their relationships. However, this is not a self-help book. The activities require the counsellor to select appropriate exercises and guide the person in using them in the context of the helping relationship. Therefore, this book is designed for the counsellor, as a resource to assist in their work.

We use the term “counsellor” throughout this workbook, but this resource is intended for anyone who has a formal role helping others as well as the knowledge and skills required to provide safe and ethical mental health support. The helper may be a person with professional credentials or a community support worker, Elder, or anyone who works with people experiencing mental health or relationship issues.

INTRODUCTION

© Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute (CTRI) • www.ctrinstitute.com

x COUNSELLING ACTIVITIES WORKBOOK

WHAT YOU WILL FIND IN THIS WORKBOOK This book contains a wide variety of activities based on an equally wide variety of counselling approaches, such as cognitive behavioural, narrative, family systems, and mindfulness to name a few. All the activities are suitable for people who are 16 and older. They are formatted as handouts that can be photocopied from this book or printed from our website and given to the person. Activities include questionnaires, worksheets, reflective exercises, mapping activities, safety plans, and coping strategies. Most of the activities are relevant to many issues, including those related to relationships and mental health, and they are not limited to specific diagnoses such as anxiety or depression. Instead, we have endeavoured to gather general activities that can be used by many people to help them reach their goals.

HOW THIS WORKBOOK IS ORGANIZED The activities are organized in sections according to broad themes of common concerns (refer to the Table of Contents for guidance). Each section begins with an introduction that briefly describes the purpose of the activities and a summary of key points related to their use, including when to use them, which ones should precede others, how to introduce them, and points to remember regarding safety.

Within each section, activities are organized with simpler ones first, in the order in which they might be used. For example, Change and Planning begins with activities to examine reasons and motivations for change, then goal setting, then strategy development.

HOW TO USE THIS WORKBOOKThis is a copyrighted work; however, you are invited to copy and distribute these activities for use with the people you support. These activities are also available on our website at www.ctrinstitute.com/workbook. To access the downloadable PDF copy of the book, you will be asked to provide your email address and the download code ctriwbca (this code is intended to be used only by people who have purchased the book). There are instructions for how to print these resources on page 203, as well as in the PDF.

All activities should be introduced within a counselling session and followed up on in later sessions. Some will require you to practice the skill with the person – the handouts are not intended to be given out without any discussion.

My thanks go to all the skilled trainers and counsellors who have contributed their ideas to CTRI’s training materials and books over the years. It has been a pleasure to review and collate these activities, and to make them available to the larger helping community in this accessible format. For your reference and further acknowledgement of the previous work done, please read the acknowledgements on page 204.

I hope that you and the people you work with will find this workbook useful.

Wilma SchroederEditor and Trainer, Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute



It can be difficult for people to make a change. Change may feel overwhelming, or its costs may seem to outweigh its benefits. The activities in this section can be used to assist people to examine their reasons and readiness for change and set manageable goals and steps.

Just as change is a process, working to motivate and support others toward change is also a process. We can think of this process as having three steps:

1. Become an ally by building a trusting, supportive relationship. It is important to spend as much time as necessary in this step and resist the temptation to push for change. Often people with the best of intentions will begin by trying to persuade a person to change what they are doing, but this will only increase reluctance and may cause them to drop out of counselling altogether. Put the trusting relationship first, as this will be the foundation for all future work.

2. Create space for the person to recognize and work through the ambivalence they may have toward change. While a part of them may wish to make a change, another part may be anxious or reluctant about it. They may have valid concerns, such as a fear of losing important relationships, and so it is necessary to address them.

3. Support and build on change talk – statements from the client that indicate they are willing to change, are feeling optimistic and see the benefits of change, or recognize that change is necessary. Explore these statements as the person moves from thinking about change into actively planning for it.

These three steps build on one another, and the time required for each will vary from person to person.It’s important to be sure each step is well established before moving on to the next, and at times you

may need to return to previous steps. Most important is the spirit and intention with which you approach the change process. It is important that counsellors regard people with positivity and openness in order to create an environment where change is possible.

CHANGE AND PLANNING

COUNSELLING ACTIVITIES WORKBOOK 1

2 COUNSELLING ACTIVITIES WORKBOOK © Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute (CTRI) • www.ctrinstitute.com

WHEN TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESUse these activities when a person expresses a desire to make a change and a good alliance has been established. Below are some general guidelines for when to use each activity.

• The person is considering making a change in the future Use Costs and Benefits of Working on Change; My Motivations for Change; Inspirational Hero; Ready, Willing, and Able; Thinking About Making a Change; and Identifying Your Barriers to Change.

• The person is interested in making a short-term change Identifying Your Barriers to Change and Planning for Change will be useful at this stage.

• The person expresses readiness to try some new strategies Here they can benefit from Tracking My Strategies.

• The person has had some successes and is interested in pursuing further growth If this is the case, use Applying My Strategies to Future Goals.

• If the person is struggling with substance use Goal Setting for Substance Use is specific to this concern; however other activities in this section may also be valuable for people wishing to change their use of substances.

HOW TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESThe change and planning activities can be used as part of a conversation within a counselling session or assigned as homework.

• Ensure you are going at the person’s pace and not following your own agenda.

• If assigning an activity as homework, discuss it with the person first and ensure they have what they need to get the most out of it.

• Remember that change rarely happens in a straight line! A person can spend a varying amount of time in each step and can move backward or forward in the process. They can always revisit activities to evaluate and adapt their plans.

• Above all, it is important to maintain a supportive, compassionate presence and shift judgement to curiosity as you and the person explore their paths to change.


COSTS AND BENEFITS OF WORKING ON CHANGE

PURPOSE: The following chart can be used as a way to work through some of the contradictory worries that come up when you are trying to change. It can also be used to sort through which coping strategies are more helpful or less helpful.

INSTRUCTIONS: Complete this chart, and then consider the questions below.

NEW COPING STRATEGY OR CHANGE

What might happen if I make this change?

Short-term costs Long-term costs Possible short-term benefits

Possible long-term benefits

What might happen if I don’t make this change?

Short-term costs Long-term costs Possible short-term benefits

Possible long-term benefits

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

1. Which of these costs or benefits carries the most weight for you right now?

2. How strongly do you believe each cost or benefit?

3. What are some reasons you want things to stay the same as they are now?

4. What are some reasons you would like things to be different?



MY MOTIVATIONS FOR CHANGE

PURPOSE: The following rating scale can be completed on a regular basis to evaluate your growth and increase self-awareness. The higher the score, the greater your motivation to change.

INSTRUCTIONS: Rate these statements on a scale of 1–10. A 1 indicates you strongly disagree with the statement; a 10 indicates you strongly agree. Use your total score to assess your motivation for change. Reassess your motivation periodically.

I want to stop doing things that hurt myself or my relationships.

I want to treat myself better.

I want to develop healthy coping skills.

I want to learn to talk to people honestly when I need help.

I want to make new friends.

I want to feel proud of my accomplishments.

I want to have positive things in my life that make me happy.

I want to improve my relationships with my loved ones.

I want a positive plan for the future.

I want to have more positive thoughts about my life.

Are there other things that you want? Add them below:

I want to

I want to

I want to

Total score:


1. What are your most important motivators (for example, relationships with others, personal growth)?

2. What can you do to achieve the things that you want?

3. How have your ratings or motivations shifted over time?


INSPIRATIONAL HERO

PURPOSE: You can be motivated for action when you consider the qualities you appreciate about someone you find inspiring. This activity asks you to identify your personal inspirational hero – someone whose attributes, actions, and values inspire you.

INSTRUCTIONS: You do not necessarily need to know this inspirational person. They can be a writer, neighbour, celebrity, or fictional character. Once you’ve chosen your hero, reflect on how they could inspire you to achieve one of your current goals.

My inspirational hero:

I am motivated by my inspirational hero because:

Write about a current goal that you hope to achieve.

How might your inspirational hero inspire you to achieve this goal?



READY, WILLING, AND ABLE

PURPOSE: Confidence and a sense of importance are part of our internal motivation for change. It’s useful to understand how confident you feel about making a change, the importance of that change, and how ready you feel to make it.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the rulers below to rate yourself on a scale of 1–10 for each category. Discuss your ratings with your counsellor or a trusted support person.

ConfidenceOn a scale of 1–10, with 1 being not confident at all and 10 being extremely confident, how confident would you say you are that you could make this change right now if you decided to?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10Not able at all Somewhat able Extremely able

ImportanceOn a scale of 1–10, with 1 being not important at all and 10 being extremely important, how important would you say it is to make this change right now?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10Not important at all Somewhat important Extremely important

ReadinessOn a scale of 1–10, with 1 being not ready at all and 10 being extremely ready, how ready would you say you are to make this change right now?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10Not ready at all Somewhat ready Extremely ready

Ability On a scale of 1–10, with 1 being not able at all and 10 being extremely able, how able would you say you are to make this change right now?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10Not able at all Somewhat able Extremely able


THINKING ABOUT MAKING A CHANGE

PURPOSE: People often feel compelled to use certain coping behaviours, even when the results are mixed or harmful. Compulsive coping behaviours are used for a wide variety of reasons: for recreation, to connect with others, or to escape, cope, or numb, for example. The first step of changing behaviour is understanding what is maintaining the behaviour in the first place.

INSTRUCTIONS: Consider something in your life that is causing some drawbacks or harms (for example, use of a substance, a behaviour, or a relationship). Think about the following questions:

1. What needs does this behaviour or relationship fulfill (what are its benefits)?

2. What are other ways those needs can be addressed?

3. What are the drawbacks or harms that this is causing?

4. How would you describe this behaviour or relationship?

5. How do you want to be with this behaviour or in this relationship?

6. How would you rate the following statements on a scale of 1–10? A 1 indicates you strongly disagree with the statement; a 10 indicates you strongly agree.

• I am confident that it is possible to make this change.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

• It is important for me to make this change.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

• I feel ready to make this change.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

• I feel able at this time to make this change.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

7. What are some ideas for changing this behaviour and for reducing its harms?

8. When I make this change, what will be different in my life? What will I or others notice in terms of behaviour, relationships, mood, or thinking?



IDENTIFYING YOUR BARRIERS TO CHANGE

PURPOSE: Sometimes it is difficult to make a change, and you may get frustrated or want to give up. It can be helpful to identify what stands in your way, and then look for solutions for moving forward.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the chart below to evaluate your barriers to change and identify possible solutions. Make a commitment to try out the solutions.

What stops you from achieving your goal?

How much control do you have over this factor?

(High, medium, or low?)

What are some possible solutions?

Spending time looking for misplaced items Medium

• Organize my space with a place for the things I lose most often

• Hang keys on a hook by the door


PLANNING FOR CHANGE

PURPOSE: Once an area of change has been identified, it is helpful to explore how to achieve it in more detail.

INSTRUCTIONS: Complete the questions below.


When I achieve this, what will be different in my life? What will I or others notice in terms of behaviour, relationships, mood, and thinking?

On a scale of 1–10, where am I now? _______ (1 = Haven’t started; 10 = Have reached my goal)

Steps I can take toward making this change are: (Tip: Consider what has been helpful so far. What needs to happen to move up one notch?) Specific action: __________________________ When: ______________ Specific action: __________________________ When: ______________

People who can support me in these changes: Person:________________ How they can help: ____________________ Person:________________ How they can help: ____________________

What might get in my way, and how will I handle these obstacles? Possible obstacle: _________________ Response:__________________ Possible obstacle: _________________ Response: __________________

• When will I evaluate my progress? ______________________________ • How will I know my plan is working? _____________________________ • What results will I see? (Tip: Look for the first signs of your future vision taking place.)

___________________________________________________________

Future vision

My starting point

Actions

Supports

Speed bumps

Evaluation


BEING PROACTIVE IN DECISION-MAKING

PURPOSE: It is healthy to take a thoughtful approach that ensures the best results for decision-making. Instead of waiting for things to change, you can use this method to become proactive in thinking about what needs to be done and making plans for change.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think of an issue that you need to make a decision about, then use the steps below to explore your options. Choose one option to try and reflect on your progress.

1. Pose the issue or decision. What is the issue?

2. Consider your options. What are the options?

• Option 1:

• Option 2:

• Option 3:

3. Generate a list of pros and cons for each option. Without even knowing it, most of us use the method of weighing the pros and cons of a situation. The key is to make the exercise more conscious so that for every choice you need to make, you weigh the upsides and downsides. In most cases, whichever option has the most pros wins – although there are times when one pro or con is so weighty in its implications that it outweighs the others.

4. Use your emotional wisdom. Consider your pros and cons lists and star or circle the items that carry more significance or weight for you based on values, meaning, or hopes and dreams you may carry.

5. Choose the best option and take action! Given the above activity, what action will you take? Make sure you have carefully considered the outcomes that would come as a result.

6. Reflect on your changes and progress. Decisions are often a process with a series of choices, not just a one-time choice. Come back to these lists as you move through a decision-making process. You may need to make new lists!


Life domain impactedfor example, physical health,

emotional regulation, workplace or family relationships, or spirituality.

Short-term goalBe as specific as possible.

Short-term strategies to achieve goal

Concrete plans, tasks, or strategies that will help achieve

the short-term goal.

GOAL SETTING FOR SUBSTANCE USE

PURPOSE: This goal-setting worksheet can be used to work with your counsellor or trusted support person to clarify the goals you are working to achieve. It assists in breaking down the large goal into manageable chunks and encourages small successes along the way.

INSTRUCTIONS: Complete the worksheet below by identifying a long-term goal and some strategies to achieve it. Then break it down further into two or three short-term goals related to specific areas (domains) of your life and list some strategies for each.

GOAL SETTING

Substance use goal: Abstinence Harm reduction

Long-term goalWhat kind of use by what date?

Be as specific as possible.

Short-term strategies to achieve goalThese are concrete plans, tasks, or strategies that will help you achieve the long-term goal.

1.

2.

3.



MY WEEKLY GOALS

PURPOSE: This worksheet can help you identify simple, attainable goals that can be accomplished in a short period of time.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the chart below to list things that you feel you can accomplish this week. Keep your goals simple and celebrate your successes. Use this chart weekly to adjust or add goals as desired..

This week I will keep doing…

This week I will start doing…

This week I will avoid…

Something I will do this week for physical activity is…

Something I will do this week that will give me a sense of accomplishment is…

The fun things I will do this week are…

This week I will relax by…


MY LONG-TERM GOALS 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Identify goals for the future and steps that can be taken toward achieving them.

INSTRUCTIONS: Answer the questions below. Keep these somewhere you can refer to them often. Revisit them regularly and adjust them as needed.

What would you like to accomplish this month?

What will be better or different for you if you accomplish this goal?

What do you need to do to reach your goal?

What would you like to accomplish in the next six months?





MY LONG-TERM GOALS 2 of 2

What would you like to accomplish in the next year?



What goals do you have for your long-term future? Think 5 to 10 years from now.

Where would you like to be?

What would you like to be doing?

What will be better or different for you?


TRACKING MY STRATEGIES

PURPOSE: This tool will help you break down goals into manageable steps and learn new coping methods. It will also help you identify which strategies work best for you.

INSTRUCTIONS: Consider the personal goals you have set for yourself. Use the table below to identify small, manageable steps you can take to reach your goals.

Example: My goal is to be less anxious at meals and bedtime.

Strategy I am trying When did I try it? How did it affect my day? General level of my goal (1–10)

Belly breathing Lunch time Slowed down; didn’t feel nausea after eating

Anxiety levelBefore: 8After: 6

Tense and release Before bed Felt less anxious for a while, then it built

up a bit

Anxiety levelBefore: 7After: 5.5

My goal:

Strategy I am trying When did I try it? How did it affect my day? General level of my goal (1–10)



APPLYING MY STRATEGIES TO FUTURE GOALS

PURPOSE: This worksheet will help you plan and practice manageable steps that will challenge old patterns.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the chart to first identify which steps of change you expect to be most difficult or easiest. Rate the steps from 1 to 10, with 1 being the easiest and 10 being the hardest. Then list strategies that you have found helpful in the past along with new strategies that you could try in the future. Next, try your easiest strategies first and progress to more difficult ones after you have success with the first ones.

Example:

Rating

98

These are the hardest steps: • Going somewhere new alone• Being alone when anxious

Which strategies may help?

• Bringing a small comfort object in my pocket to touch if I feel anxious

• Playing uplifting music

65

These are somewhat difficult:

• Planning meals for the day• Getting tasks done alone


• Make a weekly menu list that I can choose from• Doing a step at a time and rewarding myself for each one

2

These are small worries:• Walking the dog


• Breathing exercises at home• Taking a friend along

Applying My Strategies to Future Goals WorksheetRate steps from 1–10, with 1 being the easiest and 10 being the hardest.

Rating These are the hardest steps: Which strategies may help?

These are somewhat difficult: Which strategies may help?

These are small worries: Which strategies may help?

COUNSELLING ACTIVITIES WORKBOOK 17© Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute (CTRI) • www.ctrinstitute.com

Coping skills are among the most important benefits that people can receive from counselling. However, many people find it difficult to learn and practice new ways to cope and manage stress. Once the counselling session is over, it can be hard to remember what to do or when to do it. The activities in this section are designed to help people understand stress, recognize their own personal stress cues, and identify potential coping strategies.

It is not uncommon for people to be unable to recognize that they are stressed, what the sources of their stress are, or how stress is impacting them. Many people perceive themselves to be coping well when in fact they are suppressing their stress by either ignoring it or compulsively using unhealthy coping behaviours. This compulsive coping can include behaviours such as substance use, excessive dieting, or gambling, but it can also be seen in more socially acceptable actions such as working long hours or devoting all of one’s time to others.

Similarly, a person may not recognize the impact of multiple major events in their life, especially if those events are experienced as positive. Yet if a wedding, birth, or even a major holiday all occur close together, stress can result, and coping may be compromised. Feeling that one has to live up to all the expectations of these events can be extremely stressful.

Counsellors can help people recognize when their attempts to cope are in fact part of the problem and can guide them to find healthier ways of managing their stress. Begin by exploring what signs of stress they are experiencing and what the sources of that stress might be. Then move on to brainstorming, trying out, and evaluating a variety of healthy coping strategies.

WHEN TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESThese activities can be used for identifying stressors, personal indicators of stress, and strategies for coping, as follows:

• If the person is having difficulty pinpointing sources of stress or they want to normalize their stress levels Use Stress: Assessing My Experience and My Places of Stress.

COPING AND STRESS


• When a person is stuck in automatic fight, flight, or freeze responses Red Flags: My Cues to Pause may be helpful as the person could benefit from identifying their personal early warning signs.

• For those who want to develop new coping strategies, including a support network Use My Coping Strategies; Building a Coping Toolkit; Stress Management and Lifelines; and Restoring Restful Sleep.

• For sleep hygiene and improving sleep that has been disrupted by stress Pair Restoring Restful Sleep with Progressive Muscle Relaxation (page 85); The Strangeness of Being Still (page 110); Calming and Settling: Forward Fold (page 111); Fully Relaxing (page 112); and Skillful Soothing (page 113).

• If the person needs help assessing which strategies work best for them Use Rating My Strategies and Moving From Stress Into Recovery.

• To help someone focus on reducing stress that has come as a result of disorganization Use the Getting Organized activity.

HOW TO USE THESE ACTIVITIES Introduce these activities within a counselling session to expand teaching about stress and coping or to assign as homework.

• Use Stress: Assessing My Experience in the context of a conversation that normalizes the person’s feelings of stress. Discuss their responses with the person and offer support related to any symptoms that they have identified. The third part of this activity includes a question about suicidal ideation. For this reason, it should always be introduced within a counselling session, along with discussion of a safety plan, so that any suicidal ideation can be assessed and addressed immediately.

• The Red Flags: My Cues to Pause activity may be most effective when paired with activities from other sections – for instance, a breathing exercise such as Counting My Breathing or any that are listed in Mindful Breathing Tips.

• Rating My Strategies may be best used with an activity that lists various coping strategies, such as Your Coping Strategies.

• All the activities in this section can help introduce a broader range of strategies, many of which are further detailed in other sections of this workbook.


STRESS: ASSESSING MY EXPERIENCE

PURPOSE: This activity will help you understand the sources of stress in your life and the effects they are having on you. Even happy life events can cause a certain amount of stress for anyone who experiences them.

INSTRUCTIONS: Consider what major life events you have experienced lately; for example, the end of a relationship, serious injury or illness, marriage, birth of a child, retirement, or job-related issues. Discuss the questions in number 3 with your counsellor or a trusted support person.

1. What major life events have you experienced in the last six months?

2. What significant events have you experienced in the last year?

3. The following experiences are often symptoms of stress. Check the ones that apply to you currently.

Do you have frequent headaches?

Is your appetite poor?

Do you sleep badly?

Do you feel nervous, tense, or worried?

Do you have poor digestion?

Do you have trouble thinking clearly?

Do you feel unhappy?

Are you crying more than usual?

Do you find it difficult to enjoy your daily activities?

Do you find it difficult to make a decision?

Is your daily work suffering?

Are you unable to fulfill a certain obligation in your life?

Have you lost interest in things?

Do you feel that you are a worthless person?

Has the thought of ending your life been in your mind?

Do you feel tired all the time?

Do you become tired easily?


MY PLACES OF STRESS 1 of 2

PURPOSE: The causes of stress are different for every person. This activity will help you identify your personal sources of stress.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think about the various parts of your life and what feels stressful to you in each. Include positive events, as even these can cause stress. Note how much control you have over what is stressing you out, and identify the things you have the most control over.

What is stressing you out at home or in your family? Your level of controlLow Medium High

What is stressing you out with your friends? Your level of controlLow Medium High

What is stressing you out at school or work? Your level of controlLow Medium High

What is stressing you out in your community or the world around you? Your level of controlLow Medium High

What is stressing you out at/in ? Your level of controlLow Medium High


MY PLACES OF STRESS 2 of 2

Looking at the lists above, identify the top three stressors that you have the most control over.

1.

2.

3.

Because you have control over these three stressors, you have the ability to change them. Consider what you can do differently to manage or change these stressors.


RED FLAGS: MY CUES TO PAUSE

PURPOSE: When feeling overwhelmed, it is common to react instinctively in one of the four ways outlined below. This worksheet will help you identify your instinctive reactions so you can start to find new ways to respond to situations.

INSTRUCTIONS: Look at the four “red flag” responses in the diagram below and determine which one best describes how you respond most often. You may want to ask a trusted support person for their observations. Then consider what might assist you to pause and choose a different response.


1. Which of these four responses describes your usual reaction under stress?

2. Do you tend to respond differently to different types of stress?

3. What early signs of stress do you notice in yourself?

4. List some of the strategies that you have found useful when you are feeling overwhelmed by stress.

Go-go response: In this mode of operation, it is full steam ahead. You are agitated, keyed up, and have a hard time being still.

No-go response: In this mode of operation, you externally freeze and are incapable of charting an action plan. However, internally you are extremely agitated and worked up.

No-no response: In this mode of operation, you shut down and remove yourself from the situation. You are depressed and have very little energy. You may look spaced out to those around you.

Go-no response: In this mode, you are externally wound up and appear active, but your ability to think and plan well is immobilized.


MY COPING STRATEGIES

PURPOSE: When we stop using unhealthy coping strategies, it is important to replace them with something healthier. This worksheet will help you make the switch from unhealthy to healthy coping strategies.

INSTRUCTIONS: First, fill out the left side of the table with unhealthy coping strategies you currently use. Then come up with alternative healthy coping strategies and list them in the middle column. These could be strategies you have already tried or something new that you want to try.

Unhealthy coping strategy I currently use

Healthy coping strategy I could use instead

Benefits of switching

Lie on couch and watch a lot of TV

Go for a walk Gets me outdoors for a change of scenery;

I feel better physically and emotionally


1. What would be some benefits of switching your unhealthy coping strategies to healthy ones?

2. What negative effects of the unhealthy coping strategy would no longer happen?

3. How would you feel different?

4. How would the healthy coping strategies benefit you in the long term?


RATING MY STRATEGIES

PURPOSE: It can be helpful to review coping strategies to notice which ones are more effective and which may not be working as well. You may wish to work with your counsellor or a trusted person to identify some strategies to try, then use this worksheet to find out which ones are most effective for you.

INSTRUCTIONS: Fill in the columns as soon as possible after trying a strategy. If you run out of space on this worksheet, consider tracking your strategies in a notebook.

What strategy did I try? When did I try it? How did it affect my day? General level of anxiety or stress

(1–10)

Practicing positive thoughts like “I can do this”

Monday at lunch After 10 minutes I felt calmer; was able to go back to work

Before: 7

After: 3

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

Before:

After:


BUILDING A COPING TOOLKIT

PURPOSE: This activity is to help build resources for support as you move toward making healthier choices when you are coping with stress and adversity. You can choose activities, objects, pictures, and quotes that will remind you of how to better manage stressful feelings, reach out for help, nurture yourself, or simply tolerate difficult experiences.

INSTRUCTIONS: Collect materials that could be kept in a decorated bag, small box or chest, or any other container that is meaningful to you. Some items such as quotes, photos, reminders, or websites can be written or glued on paper or index cards so you can carry them with you.

Materials used may include:

• Articles or pictures from magazines

• Inspirational quotes

• Natural materials like feathers or stones

• Candies or chocolates

• Journals

• Art materials like crayons, markers, or paint

• Phone numbers for help lines and crisis lines

• Websites that provide helpful information

• Clay or play dough

• Fidget toys

• Names and photos of support people

• Pictures of pets, favourite places, or peaceful scenes

• Prompts for breathing exercises

• Music that is calming or uplifting

• Reminders of healthy activities or things you enjoy (gardening, chicken soup)

Example of a personal coping toolkit

Photo of grandparent Photo of campfire Fuzzy socks

Favourite quote Crisis or support phone line Favourite book

Ginger ale Breathing exercise Chicken soup

Crossword puzzle Feather Picture of pet


STRESS MANAGEMENT AND LIFELINES

PURPOSE: People who have strong supports are more able to deal with stress in their lives. It can be helpful to identify what kind of support the people in your life can provide, as well as what kind of support you can offer others.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think about the people who are there to care for and listen to you; list them below. Also list the people you offer this support to and consider why this matters to you.

There are three different types of lifelines:

1. Emotional lifelines: These are the people who listen and help you deal with your feelings. Family and friends are natural emotional lifelines.

2. Hands-on lifelines: These are the people who give you practical help, such as someone who takes you shopping to get the supplies you need or offers to feed your pet while you are away.

3. Informational lifelines: These are people who give you the information you need that can provide help, such as a counsellor or help line.

Who can you talk to or call on for support? List four people and the type of lifeline support they give you.

Name:Type of lifeline support:




Who do you give support to? List four people and the type of lifeline support you give them.





QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

1. Do you have all three types of lifelines available to you (emotional, hands-on, and informational)?

2. What type of lifeline support could you add or increase for yourself?

3. Is there a balance in your life between receiving support and giving support to others? How could you find that balance?


RESTORING RESTFUL SLEEP

PURPOSE: Stress and worry interfere with sleep, and poor sleep leads to increased vulnerability to the effects of stress. This worksheet will help you identify strategies to improve sleep quality.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the sleep diary below to keep track of your bedtime routines and sleep quality. Fill in the boxes with the specific strategies that you want to try this week (use the examples below to get you started). Each morning, check off the boxes beside the strategies that you used the night before and rate your sleep quality. Compare each week to see which strategies consistently work best for you.

Examples of strategies for a good sleep:

• Routine: Go to bed and get up at the same time every day. Avoid naps during the day.

о Keep a regular daytime routine, including exercise earlier in the day.

• Ritual: Have a bedtime unwinding ritual, such as taking a warm bath, drinking hot milk, or doing a relaxation exercise.

• Comfort: Have a cool room with warm blankets. Keep the room dark and quiet at night.

• Decrease stimulation: о Avoid alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, and

cannabis for at least four hours before sleep.

о Don’t watch TV, read, eat, or use a computer or phone in the bedroom; use the bed only for sleep and sex.

• Relax: Avoid trying to force sleep to come. Go to bed when sleepy, not before. If you are not asleep in 20 minutes, get up, leave the bedroom, and do something boring.

My sleep strategies for the week of: Mon Tue Wed Thurs Fri Sat Sun

My routine:

My ritual:

My comfort:

I decreased stimulation by:

I relaxed by:

Other:

Sleep Quality Rating (1–10)1 = Poor sleep, do not feel rested 10 = Slept very well, feel fully rested


MOVING FROM STRESS INTO RECOVERY

PURPOSE: The opposite of stress is a state of rest and recovery. The following actions can help you move into a recovery state. INSTRUCTIONS: Remember the statements below – you may want to write them on sticky notes and put them up around your home or carry them in your wallet.

If you want to feel good, do good. Doing good things for others makes us feel better.

• Make it your habit to regularly reach out to people and genuinely express your gratitude for them.

When we’re together, everything’s better. Social connections make life more interesting and fulfilling. Some things to try:

• Move from social media to face time. Make time for a coffee date with someone you’ve been chatting with on social media.

• Rekindle old relationships you haven’t given much time to recently. Find something to do together that you both enjoy.

• Join clubs at your workplace, community, or school in order to meet people.

See life as it is but focus on the good bits. One way to do this is to look for the silver lining around the dark clouds of life because it’s good for our mental health. Although it’s not a good idea to pretend something didn’t happen or to ignore negative outcomes, it can be helpful to try to find the good within the negative. Some things to try:

• When bad things happen, look for what you can learn from the experience.

• Write down what you like about your life every day.

Take time to lose yourself in what you love. It is good for our mental health to give ourselves time to experience this whenever we can. Some things to try:

• Give yourself time each day to do something that is positive and uplifting for no other reason than the fact that you enjoy it.

• Exercise.

• Join a laughter yoga club.

• Return to spiritual practices that have strengthened you in the past.

• Take up a spiritual practice.

What do I like

about this person?

What social

connections would be

meaningful

for me?

What do I like

about my life

today?

What do I find

positive and

uplifting to

do?


GETTING ORGANIZED

PURPOSE: Chaotic environments can maintain our stress levels and contribute to the stress levels of others. A bit of planning, organization, and preparation can lighten a fair amount of stress.

INSTRUCTIONS: Complete the questions below about improving your organization, then try out some of your ideas. Start by doing one thing at home and one at work or school.

1. What are some physical spaces at home and at work that might be improved with some attention to organization?

2. What are some things you do or could do to organize your work or study environment?

Organize my space

Manage phone and email use

3. What are some things you do or could do to organize your home environment?

Assess my TV, computer, and social media time

Be proactive with food preparation


1. What change would be the easiest to make and maintain?

2. What difference do you notice in your stress levels when your environment is more organized?

3. Which changes would make the most difference?


Self-awareness and self-esteem are closely tied together – people who frequently express feelings of low self-esteem often have a limited sense of self-awareness. Those who focus on only one aspect of themselves or value only a few attributes are more susceptible to mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety. They may have difficulty separating their feelings from their identity (“Because I feel sad now, I am a sad person”) and be unable to identify their strengths and resources.

Improving self-esteem is possible, but it often feels like it takes longer than the person would like it to. It is important to offer this information to the people you are supporting because their expectation of change may be more linear, as illustrated below.

However, even with a solid treatment plan and good support, ups and downs are typical and predictable parts of the process. As a result, change tends to look more like this:

In this section, we provide activities to assist people to gain a broader perspective on their emotional, relational, and physical selves, particularly their strengths and resources.

SELF-AWARENESS AND SELF-ESTEEM

Time

Self-

este

em

Time

Self-

este

em


WHEN TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESUse these activities with people who are stuck in a persistent negative view of themselves or who locate their problem solely within themselves. These may be useful for people struggling with self-awareness and self-esteem, or for those who have received diagnoses and have come to see themselves only in terms of these labels.

• For creating awareness of the self and factors that contribute to self-esteem Use My Self-Esteem Inventory and My Wellness Pie.

• For expanding awareness of the self Use Circles of My Multilayered Self and Storytelling With Specific Strengths.

• To help the person make connections among thoughts, body cues, and emotions Use Identifying and Understanding My Mind and Body Clues.

• To help people whose self-esteem is tied to their physical fitness or appearance Use Thinking About My Body; What Influences My Body Image?; the Excessive Exercise Questionnaire; and the Eating Habits Questionnaire.

HOW TO USE THESE ACTIVITIES

• Accompany the discussion of self-esteem and self-awareness with curious and supportive questions that prompt reflection.

• Encouraging positive self-esteem should not be a cheerleading session. While you can acknowledge positive qualities that you see in a person, their own self-discovery will be most powerful. Thoughtful use of skills such as reframing and a strong counselling relationship are foundational to supporting people in this process.

• Knowing that the most common healing path is not a straight line helps the person to manage their own expectations. When they are feeling disappointment or frustration, remain positive and remind them that recovery will typically have its ups and downs. Disappointment is a valid feeling to have, and it is helpful to reaffirm that they are feeling like this because getting better is important to them.


MY SELF-ESTEEM INVENTORY

PURPOSE: This assessment is not a measure of your worth. Certain beliefs can foster low self-esteem. It can be helpful to examine beliefs as they influence how we feel about ourselves.

INSTRUCTIONS: Rate each statement below on a scale of 1–5 based on your current feelings and behaviours, then tally your scores.

1 = Rarely 2 = Sometimes 3 = Often 4 = Very often 5 = Always

My feelings about myself are dependent on other people’s opinions.

I get my feelings hurt easily.

I find it difficult to be myself when someone popular or successful is near me.

I feel uncomfortable if others know that I do a good job or am proud of my achievements.

I find it difficult to say no when my friends want to do something that others would disapprove of.

I do not like to be alone.

I see people’s faults before I see their good points.

I say positive, kind things to myself in my mind with my self-talk.

I feel my own feelings and think my own thoughts, even when those around me think or feel differently.

I am a good person, even when I make mistakes or behave badly.

I am of equal value to all other people. I am not “better than” or “less than” anyone else.

I accept responsibility for my choices, both wise and unwise, and willingly accept the consequences.

I develop my interests and use my talents.

I choose to love and respect every human being, including myself.

Total score for statements 1–7: Total score for statements 8–14:

A person with higher self-esteem will score lower on the first seven items and higher on the last seven.A person with lower self-esteem will score higher on the first seven items and lower on the last seven.


MY WELLNESS PIE

PURPOSE: This activity will help you identify which aspects of your life are most important for your well-being and what things you might want to focus on in the future.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think about all the things in your life that impact your well-being. Draw and label a slice of the pie to represent each aspect. The bigger the slice, the more important that aspect is for you. Be sure to have fun with this! Use different colours, symbols, cartoons, or whatever you like to represent the different aspects of your well-being.

Some ideas to consider:

• Relationships with friends

• Appearance

• Role within family

• Fitness

• Morals/attitudes/values

• Spirituality

• Hobbies

• Talents

• Performance at work or school

• Volunteer work

Illustrate how you would like your wellness pie to look six months from now in the circle below. Would the sizes of slices change? Would you include different aspects of your well-being? What aspects would those be?


CIRCLES OF MY MULTILAYERED SELF

PURPOSE: Having a sense of identity – who we are and how we are connected to others – is an important part of self-esteem and self-confidence. This activity will help you enlarge your sense of identity and connection to your culture or community.

INSTRUCTIONS: Identify aspects of your identity you consider to be important parts of who you are. Write or draw these on the diagram below (add as many circles as you need). Examples include:

• Gender identity

• Cultural background

• Talents or skills

• Personality traits

• Socioeconomic status

• Relationships


1. When have you felt especially proud to be associated with one of the identifiers you chose?

2. When has it been particularly painful to be associated with one of the identifiers you chose?

3. What identifiers do you have in common with other people in your community or culture? What areas are often different?


STORYTELLING WITH SPECIFIC STRENGTHS

PURPOSE: We all have stories we tell about ourselves that reinforce the way we feel about who we are. Rewriting your story with a focus on your strengths will help you to have positive feelings about yourself.

INSTRUCTIONS: Select three words that fit with strengths you have now or have possessed in the past. Choose one and use the space below to represent how you have demonstrated this strength. You could write a story, draw a timeline with important events from your life, create a picture or collage, or use any creative expression that works for you.

Active Fair Kind

Appreciative Follow through/completion Learning

Artistic Generous Optimistic

Assertive Giving Possess integrity

Communicative Good at pacing self Protective

Courageous Helpful Risk taking

Creative Hopeful Sharing

Curious Honest Spiritual

Energetic Humourous Team player

Experienced Initiating Wise


IDENTIFYING AND UNDERSTANDING MY MIND AND BODY CLUES

PURPOSE: Tuning in to our mind and body fosters emotional and physical awareness. This awareness is critical for self-control and well-being.

INSTRUCTIONS: Start by noticing your current physical movements, sensations, and posture. Write two or three of these body clues on the blank diagram below. Next, circle the emotion below that you are experiencing in this moment and write it on the diagram. Note the thoughts that you are having in response to that emotion, and what you are doing in reaction to those thoughts. Finally, reflect on how noticing these mind and body clues can help you to control your reactions.

Agitation Contentment Frustration Peace

Anger Curiosity Guilt Relief

Boredom Embarrassment Happiness Sadness

Calm Excitement Interest Shame

Comfort Fear Loneliness Worry

EXAMPLE: Body clues:

• Yawning• Foot tapping

Emotion:

• Boredom

Thoughts:

• Done this before• Tired of listening

Reaction:

• Doodling• Checking phone

Reaction:

Body clues:

Emotion:

Thoughts:


THINKING ABOUT MY BODY

PURPOSE: Often low self-esteem is linked to feelings about our physical appearance or ability. This worksheet is designed to prompt different ways of thinking about your body, which can result in feeling better about yourself.

INSTRUCTIONS: Reflect on the questions below. Make a commitment to challenge negative thoughts and practice ways of accepting and being good to your body.

1. What are the parts of your body you can like or accept?

2. What parts of your body could you be more accepting of?

3. What are some of the negative thoughts you regularly have about your body?

4. Are your thoughts about your body accurate? How can you challenge these thoughts?

5. What are some alternative positive or accepting thoughts you could have about your body?

6. What are some ways in which you can take care of your body?

7. Who can be a positive support person to assist you with this?


WHAT INFLUENCES MY BODY IMAGE?

PURPOSE: Unhappiness with your body can contribute to low self-esteem. By examining where your body image comes from, you can recognize and replace negative messages that may be influencing it.

INSTRUCTIONS: For each period of your life listed below, describe what you looked like along with any experiences that may have contributed to your current body image.

Early childhood (up to age 8)

My body:

Influential events and experiences:

Later childhood (age 8 to puberty)

My body:


Early adolescence (puberty to age 16)

My body:


Later adolescence (age 16 to 20)

My body:


Adulthood My body:



1. When did negative thoughts about your body begin?

2. What negative beliefs did you learn from those events and experiences?

3. If you could speak to your younger self now, what positive messages would you give?


EXCESSIVE EXERCISE QUESTIONNAIRE

PURPOSE: When self-esteem is tied to physical fitness or appearance, you might find that exercising becomes a problem instead of a solution to your stress. Exercise is excessive when it creates imbalance in your life or results in health or relationship problems. This checklist will help you to identify whether excessive exercise is occurring and to what degree.

INSTRUCTIONS: Circle true or false for each statement below, then total your score.

True / False I judge a day as good or bad based on how much I exercise.

True / False I base my self-worth on how much I exercise.

True / False I never take a break from exercise.

True / False I exercise even when I am injured.

True / False Over time, I have increased the amount of exercise I do in a day.

True / False I arrange work and social obligations around exercise.

True / False I cancel family or social engagements to exercise.

True / False I become anxious or irritated when something interferes with my exercise.

True / False Others are worried about how much I exercise.

True / False Conflicts have arisen between me and my family and/or partner over how much I exercise.

True / False I rarely feel satisfied with how much exercise I have done.

True / False I count how many calories I burn while exercising.

True / False I exercise to compensate for eating too much.

True / False Exercise is the most important thing in my life.

Total true: Total false:

If you’ve selected “true” for several of these statements, you may be exercising excessively.


1. What does exercise mean for you?

2. Which of the items above would you most like to change? Choose one or two to start with.

3. What (or who) can help you make this change?


EATING HABITS QUESTIONNAIRE

PURPOSE: This questionnaire will help you identify the factors that contribute to your relationship with food.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the checklist below to rate how often each of these factors occurs for you. Avoid thinking too much about each, and just go with your first response. Afterward, use the questions below to help you reflect on your relationship with food and what you might like to change.

What food does for me Never Sometimes Often

Helps me cope with negative thoughts and feelings

Relieves or manages stress

Suppresses upsetting memories

Helps me feel in control

Gives me comfort

Gives me time for myself

Protects my self-esteem

Relieves boredom

Gives me a sense of accomplishment

Allows me to procrastinate on overwhelming tasks

Distracts me from more difficult issues

Helps me control my weight

Acts as an excuse for failed expectations

Helps me strive for perfection

Numbs my emotions

Acts as an escape from daily stresses


1. What does food mean for you?

2. Which of the items above would you most like to change? Choose one or two to start with.

3. What (or who) can help you make this change?


Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is one of the most well-known, researched, and practiced helping approaches. It has been used in counselling for many years and is increasingly being used to treat people who are recovering from the impact of major mental health concerns like schizophrenia.

The basic premise of CBT is that our cognitions (thoughts) have a significant impact on our emotions and behaviours. In turn, our behaviours (actions) strongly influence our thought patterns and emotions. Our cognitive appraisal of events and the meanings we attach to them produce our emotional responses. Therefore it follows that by changing cognitions and behaviours, we can change our emotions.

Most of the activities in this section focus on cognitive change first, although several combine both cognitive and behavioural strategies. A number of the activities are variations on thought records – tools for recording and evaluating thoughts – with different emphases. These cognitive activities will help people identify automatic and alternative thoughts; underlying attitudes, rules, and beliefs; and distorted thought patterns. Each activity goes beyond simply identifying problematic thinking in order to encourage people to find new ways to interpret events.

COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL STRATEGIES

EVENT COGNITIVE APPRAISAL

EMOTIONAL REACTION

BEHAVIOUR


WHEN TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESIndividuals who are willing to explore different ways of understanding their problems and their own role in maintaining them tend to benefit most from cognitive behavioural activities. They are able to develop a critical awareness about their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and are willing to invest time and effort into action-based exercises.

Although CBT is a specific and structured approach, these tools may be used within any theoretical framework. Cognitive behavioural tools lend themselves well to counselling homework or to monitoring progress. These strategies will be useful for people who prefer action over reflection. Some people are “doers” more than “thinkers” and so the entry point for them will be through behavioural change.

• For identifying problematic thinking patterns Use Reducing Self-Criticism; ABC Log; Identifying Cognitive Distortions; Predicting Challenges; Circle of Control; and Spoken and Unspoken Rules.

• To help people move to the next step by identifying alternative thoughts Use Building Reasonable Thoughts; Challenging Stress Thoughts; Recognizing Positive Self-Talk; and Replacing Negative Names With Loving Labels.

• Once the thought patterns are identified, it’s time to change them. To do this, use Change My Language, Change My Feelings; Reframing My Experiences; Challenging Problematic Thoughts; Managing Problematic Substance Use Thoughts; Challenging Catastrophic Thinking; Practicing Positive Self-Talk; and Interrupting and Stopping Worry Loops.

• For identifying and changing problematic behaviours Use Reversing My Response; Identifying Problem Behaviours and Creating Replacements; Identifying Triggers; Healthy Habits Log; Compulsive Coping Log; and the Behaviour Change Worksheet.

HOW TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESThe role of the counsellor in these types of activities is to help people figure out what may be effective for meeting their needs. Is it learning new skills? Setting new expectations? Finding new ways of perceiving the problem? The goal is to help them become active participants in the process. As in all forms of counselling, this role is characterized by warmth, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard. Central concepts in the cognitive behavioural approach include collaborative investigation and testing of hypotheses and the complementary roles of guide and seeker. Here are some key points from these concepts:

• Collaborative investigation: Engage the person as an active participant in the process of hypothesis testing. As a helper, collaborate with the person to set the goals and direction of counselling, problem-solve and test reality, and determine the best strategies to achieve goals.

• Hypothesis testing: This is a process in which the person examines their beliefs and assumptions and puts them to the test.

• Role of guide: Your role is to ask the right questions to lead the person to discovery. You may need to “fill in” by offering multiple choices or ideas, as the person may not be used to monitoring their own thoughts.


• Role of seeker: People are active seekers, selectors, and interpreters of experiences. Promote self-management and encourage people to become their own counsellors.

• Development of self-maintenance skills: Encourage this by helping people to self-identify their own problems while highlighting advantages and disadvantages of their situation, assisting with the setting of realistic goals, and reinforcing self-help and problem-solving skills.

Cognitive behavioural activities are often given as homework for the person to do in between counselling sessions. Whenever assigning an activity as homework, review it with the person first to ensure they have what they need to get the most out of it.


REDUCING SELF-CRITICISM

PURPOSE: A tendency to base your overall self-worth on certain areas of your life results in an inaccurate sense of who you are and what you are capable of. You can reduce self-criticism by exploring the reasons not to judge yourself solely on these areas.

INSTRUCTIONS: Using the table provided below, list the areas of life that you feel are most important to your self-esteem. Note how you tend to judge yourself in each area, and list more balanced perspectives that don’t put as much emphasis on these areas. If it’s hard to think of other perspectives, consider what a friend might say, or what you might say to a friend to bring in balance.

Area of life How I judge myself Balanced perspective

Academic achievement I think I’m not as good as people who have a university education

I have skills and knowledge that are valuable

Career or job success

Body image/physical attractiveness

Social popularity


ABC LOG

PURPOSE: An ABC log can be used to help you better understand the connection between your thoughts and emotions. This is the first step toward identifying more useful thoughts that will help you feel better.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think of a recent time when you were upset about something and identify the things that you thought and said to yourself about it. Then note what feelings resulted from those thoughts and your self-talk.

DateA

Activating eventWrite down the details

BBeliefs

Self-talk, thoughts, opinions about the event

CConsequences

Write down your resulting emotions

Last Thursday

I almost hit a car when driving down the street. I had

to hit the brakes really fast and skidded.

I could have caused an accident. Why wasn’t I paying more

attention to traffic? Mad at myself; scared


IDENTIFYING COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS 1 of 2

PURPOSE: This activity can help you recognize and identify ways to overcome thinking patterns that distort the way you see yourself or perceive situations.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the chart below to help you identify the cognitive distortions and alternative thoughts in the examples on the next page.

Common cognitive distortions Alternative ways of thinking All-or-nothing thinkingBelieving everything is either good or bad, with nothing in between.

Look for the middle ground:• Are there more than two options here?• How else can I think about the situation?

FilteringFocusing on the negatives and ignoring the positives.

Consider the whole picture:• Am I looking at the negatives and ignoring the

positives?• Can I look at this in a more balanced way?

PersonalizingUnfairly blaming yourself for anything that goes wrong.

Look at all possibilities:• Is this really about me?• What other explanation might there be for this

situation?

Mind readingAssuming you know what others are thinking.

Question your assumptions:• How do I know what others are thinking? What

is the evidence?

CatastrophizingImagining that potential negative consequences will be disastrous.

Seek a more realistic perspective:• What is the evidence that this will occur? • Will this matter in one month’s time?

OvergeneralizingReaching a conclusion about one event and then applying it to everything (for example, one poor math test score causes you to say you’re no good at math).

Be specific:• Is it true that this is always the case? • What are the facts? What are my interpretations?

Emotional reasoningBelieving something is true because you feel it is true.

Look for evidence of this belief:• Am I confusing my feelings with the facts? Are

my perceptions correct?

LabellingReducing yourself or others to a single characteristic (for example, “I am a failure,” or “They’re just a drunk”).

Shift judgement to curiosity:• What other qualities do I have?• What might be causing their actions?

“Should” statementsThinking in terms of what “should” be said or done. This is often based on “rules” learned in the family.

Rewrite your “rules”:• Change “should” to “could.”


EXAMPLES:

1. A person does not get a job they applied for and thinks, “I am failing at life. I can’t do anything right.”

• Cognitive distortion:

• Alternative thought:

2. While a student is eating in the cafeteria, they look around and think, “Everyone thinks I am such a loser for eating alone.”



3. A parent of young children compares themselves to others, focusing on the times when they lose their cool and disregard their usual gentle approach.




1. What cognitive distortions do you tend to use?

2. What are the warning signs you notice when you may have a cognitive distortion?

3. What alternative thoughts would be helpful to you?

4. What would help you shift toward believing alternative thoughts?

IDENTIFYING COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS 2 of 2


PREDICTING CHALLENGES

PURPOSE: Being in a depressed state of mind tends to distort how we view challenges that lie ahead. Three common distorted views occur: when we minimize something positive, view something neutral as difficult, or see something negative as overly negative. This activity will help you identify when these distortions occur and what impact they have on you.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the worksheet below to write down the exact thoughts you have before experiencing a situation. Then rate your perceptions of how difficult the situation will be on a scale of 1–10. A 1 indicates you will find the situation not at all difficult; a 10 indicates you will find it extremely difficult. Once you’ve rated each situation, compare your feelings before and after it occurs and record what you learned about how accurate your prediction was.

Before

Situation I’m facing:

How difficult will it be? (1–10)

How long will it take?

After

How difficult was it? (1–10)

How long did it take?

How do I feel now that it’s over?

Learnings/ takeaways: How accurate was my prediction?

• Was I using one of the three distorted views?

• Were positives minimized?• Was something neutral viewed

as difficult?• Was something negative seen

as overly negative?


CIRCLE OF CONTROL

PURPOSE: Use this activity to reduce stress that may come from feeling responsible for things you cannot control.

INSTRUCTIONS: Read the following statements and quickly circle or highlight the ones you believe you can control. Next, consider the reflection questions and fill in the circle of control using the directions below.

What do I really have control over?

• How often I think about something

• Whether I do something I say that I will do

• Whether other people do what they say they will do

• What choices I make

• How others respond to my choices

• How I spend my time

• What someone else is thinking

• What I feel at any given point

• How I behave toward other people

• How other people spend their time

• How someone behaves toward me

• Whether I live by my values


1. Do you notice any patterns in what you’ve circled or highlighted?

2. Do you overestimate or underestimate your control?

3. Is there a difference between influence and control? What does that mean to you?

Write those things that you have control over in the central circle below. Write the things you can’t control in the outer circle.


SPOKEN AND UNSPOKEN RULES 1 of 2

PURPOSE: The purpose of this exercise is to recognize and challenge the “rules for living” that you may be unconsciously constrained by. Most of these rules were probably learned from your family.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the questions below to identify rules you have learned. Consider which ones are currently limiting you as well as those that are too rigid or impossible to live up to. Then adapt the rules you find constraining so that they are more beneficial.

1. If someone new to your family were to come and stay for an extended period of time, what would they need to know in order to fit in and be comfortable?

2. What common sayings in your family might indicate a family rule (for example, “Big boys don’t cry”)?

3. Can you list some rules of your family?

• Which would be the most obvious and spoken about more easily?

• What rules would be more difficult to learn?

• Which would be unspoken and difficult to voice?


SPOKEN AND UNSPOKEN RULES 2 of 2

REWRITE CONSTRAINING OR LIMITING RULESList rules that you find constraining or limiting – those that keep you from enjoying life or achieving your goals. Next, rewrite each rule or create a new one that is more helpful to you. For example, if one of your constraining rules is, “Be the best in everything you do,” change it to “Do your best.” The new rule is more helpful because it is not possible to always be the best, but it is possible to always do your best.

Constraining Rule

New Rule

Constraining Rule

New Rule

Constraining Rule

New Rule


BUILDING REASONABLE THOUGHTS

PURPOSE: Once you have some awareness of problematic thoughts, their accuracy can be examined. This worksheet goes beyond awareness to counteracting problematic thoughts, re-rating your feelings and then recording how you responded to the situation.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the chart below to analyze the accuracy of problematic thoughts. Write down a situation or trigger, and then rate how you feel about it on a scale of 1–10. A 1 indicates it doesn’t elicit a big emotional response; a 10 indicates a strong emotional response. Once you’ve rated how you feel about the situation or trigger, list any problematic thoughts that may come along with it. Then come up with a more realistic view and re-rate how you feel. Finally, list the actual outcome of how you decided to respond.

Situation or trigger

Feelings and urges (rate 1–10)

Problematic thoughts

Realistic view Re-rate feelings Outcome

My friend hasn’t returned my message from yesterday

8• Frustrated. • Feel like sending an angry text

• They’re ignoring me

• They don’t want to be my friend anymore

• Maybe they got called into work unexpectedly

• We’ve been friends a long time, I’m sure they will get in touch when they can

3

Still a bit anxious, but not angry anymore

Decided to wait a bit longer then send a calm text just asking if things are okay

Situation or trigger

Feelings and urges (rate 1–10)

Problematic thoughts

Realistic view Re-rate feelings Outcome


CHALLENGING STRESS THOUGHTS

PURPOSE: The ability to master your emotions in difficult situations can make the difference between success and failure. This activity provides five steps for managing your emotions by challenging your stressful thinking patterns.

INSTRUCTIONS: Read the information below and try the suggested actions.

1. Know that you can direct your emotions. It’s healthy to recognize that even though stress is normal and often inevitable for most of us, we can develop the ability to direct our emotional responses to stress. It is possible to identify how stress impacts our thinking and redirect our thoughts to change emotional reactions. The following steps will guide you in how to do this.

2. Practice mental push-ups. Most of us are so unfamiliar with the practice of directing our thoughts that some believe they have no choice but to feel the emotions they feel. Emotionally strong people do mental workouts where they break from their stream of consciousness so they can make choices about their thoughts and, by extension, their emotions. Meditation is one way to do this.

3. Notice your unhelpful thinking patterns.When bad things happen to us, we sometimes get immediate stressful thoughts or thinking patterns. We call these FISTs, for first stress thoughts. Below are a few:

• All-or-nothing thinking

• Focusing on the negative

• Catastrophizing

• Taking others’ negative behaviour personally

• Blaming others for your problems

• Needing approval at all times

• Not allowing yourself to make mistakes

• Wanting to change others

• Comparing or mentally competing with others

4. Replace unhelpful thinking patterns with helpful ones.If a FIST clouds your thinking, replace it with a calming alternative reaction (CAR):

• I am capable.

• In reality, I know who I am, and I am enough.

• I choose to be present in all that I do.

• I choose to think thoughts that serve me well.

• I know that with time and effort I can achieve

my goals.

• I love challenges and what I learn from overcoming them.

• I wonder what they are afraid of. (Use this when someone else is angry or upset.)

• At 5:00, none of this will matter.

5. Rewire your brainWrite your CAR on a sticky note and have your device regularly remind you of it so that you read it frequently. Over time, this replaces the FIST with a CAR in your brain.


RECOGNIZING POSITIVE SELF-TALK 1 of 2

PURPOSE: One of the most powerful influences on your attitude is what you say to yourself. A first step is recognizing positive versus negative statements.

INSTRUCTIONS: Look at the pairs of statements below. One is positive and the other is negative; see if you know which is which. Mark the statement you think is positive with a plus sign (+) and the one you think is negative with a minus sign (–).

If I do the thing I fear, the fear is sure to die.

I can’t be afraid or I’ll fail again.

I’ll just pause; I can handle it.

Don’t slow down; I’ve just got to push on.

I should not be afraid.

It’s okay to feel some fear.

I can manage my fear.

I’ve got to stop being afraid.

I have to do it.

I choose to do it.

I think I can handle it.

I know ways to deal with this.

One step at a time, I can handle the situation.

I can’t handle it unless I take one step at a time.

Don’t get nervous. I am in control.

I’m in control. Relax and take a deep breath.

I have succeeded in some ways.

I wasn’t a total success.

Why do I always screw up?

Everyone makes mistakes.

I can’t believe I couldn’t think of what to say.

It’s okay to not know what to say and feel put on the spot.

This is really hard, but I can handle it.

This is too much for me. I can’t handle it.

Don’t be nervous.

It’s okay to feel nervous sometimes.

I have to do it.

I choose to do it.

One step at a time; it will be okay.

I’m completely stressed out. I quit trying.

I really messed that up.

I tried. No one is perfect.


Think of a current situation that you feel unsure about or have anxiety over. Practice positive self-talk in that area by first writing down what the situation is:

Now start to create your own positive statements for the situation:

• What is a time or situation when you felt proud of yourself?

• What is one thing you do exceptionally well?

• What is a role or responsibility that you feel positive about?

• What characteristic do you like best about yourself?

• What is a good thing you do to cope with stress?

• What is one thing you do to help yourself stay positive?

• What positive things do others say about you?

RECOGNIZING POSITIVE SELF-TALK 2 of 2


REPLACING NEGATIVE NAMES WITH LOVING LABELS

PURPOSE: People often learn to refer to themselves in negative ways, which become part of their self-identity. Changing the names you call yourself will change how you feel about yourself.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think about the negative names or phrases you use to refer to yourself, and list these in the chart below. Then replace these negative names with words or phrases that are neutral or can act as loving labels.

Negative names Neutral names or loving labels

I’m useless I’m helpfulI do many useful things

I’m ugly I’m alright I’ve been told I have a pretty smile


1. How do your feelings about yourself change when you use a neutral name or loving label?

2. If the neutral name or loving label feels strange at first, what negative thoughts might be preventing you from accepting it? How will you counteract those negative thoughts?

3. What can you do to embrace and strengthen your loving labels?


CHANGE MY LANGUAGE, CHANGE MY FEELINGS

PURPOSE: The language we use is an essential feature of how we experience ourselves and the world around us. Changing the words we use can produce a sense of greater empowerment.

INSTRUCTIONS: Consider the table below. What do you notice about the left versus right column? How are they different? Follow the steps to create your own new way of talking.

From To

I have to… I want to…

I should/shouldn’t… I need to…

I really ought to… I’ve decided to…

I must/have got to… I will…

I don’t have a choice… I choose…

I can’t… I’m going to…

Step 1: Notice what kinds of disempowering language you tend to use. At this point, don’t try to change it – just notice and pay attention to it. You may want to ask a trusted support person what they notice as well. List the most common disempowering things you say to yourself in the “From” column.

Step 2: Consider how you can change your language to be more empowering. Write alternative empowering language in the “To” column.

From To

Step 3: Practice replacing one way of talking in your everyday life. Avoid trying to change all at once! Simply aim to notice and catch yourself when you use a disempowering phrase and immediately replace it with the more empowering alternative. You may want to ask a trusted support person to help you notice these disempowering phrases and remind you to use the more empowering alternative.

Step 4: Evaluate and consider how it feels to change your language. What impact does this have on you and your relationships?


REFRAMING MY EXPERIENCES 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Reframing is the process of recasting experiences in a positive manner. In order to actively manage stress, we need to be able to identify negative thought patterns attached to particular stressors and identify any positives that we may be overlooking.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the steps below to reframe your experiences. This activity has many steps, so it may be useful to do this in stages and with the support of someone you trust.

1. Identify the stressor.Use journaling, worksheets, self-talk, or your supports to help you do this.

• Create a list of all the things that cause you to stress or worry. Do not filter them, simply write them down as they come to mind. You can draw pictures, jot down icons, or use words to name your stressors.

• Create a stress ladder below with the top 10 things from your list that cause you to feel stressed. Rate them from 1 to 10. Have 1 be what causes you the most stress and 10 be what causes the least stress.


2. Create positive messages. Choose one pressing stressor from your stress ladder to continue this activity. Generate both a general positive message (for example, “I know I can handle this”) and a specific positive message (for example, “The kids are really active today; I know I am a good parent, and I will keep calm even while they are so full of energy.”):

• My pressing stressor:

• General positive message:

• Specific positive message:

3. Analyze the situation.Give intentional thought to each of your stressors. What beliefs or assumptions may be clouding your thinking? Can you identify other unhelpful thinking patterns? Look for patterns of unhealthy thoughts and ask yourself what is happening internally before the stress response.

• Think of people and situations that do not align with your thoughts.

• Stand back and ask yourself, “How important is this?”

• Is it a realistic fear? Do other people stress about similar things?

• What is the worst-case scenario?

• Is any part of your stress self-imposed? What can you do about it?

• How much influence do you have?

4. Reframe the experience.Reframing includes identifying the situation from realistic and positive perspectives, naming what you can do to influence the situation, and taking personal responsibility for your situation. Recast the stressor and frame it from a positive perspective. Think about what skills you are learning, what you are learning about yourself, and what you are learning about others. Find the positive in the situation.

• Example: It is a very busy time at work and you are overwhelmed. You reframe the situation and tell yourself that you will do your best, work efficiently, and feel good about what you do accomplish, rather than focusing on what is not done.

5. Make a plan to address the issue or situation.Today you have time to think about how you might respond. Is reframing enough? Do you need to add other strategies to help yourself cope? What you note down today can be a starting place. You may want to add strategies in the days to come, but for now just jot down any ideas that come to mind. Consider journaling as a helpful response to keep you in a positive frame of mind.

REFRAMING MY EXPERIENCES 2 of 2


CHALLENGING PROBLEMATIC THOUGHTS

PURPOSE: Being able to identify, explore, and challenge common thinking patterns that aggravate your existing emotional challenges is an important tool that can help you develop healthier patterns.

INSTRUCTIONS: Complete the chart below in an effort to better understand how you can identify, challenge, and ultimately change toxic thoughts.

What is my main emotional challenge?Example: I get angry too quickly

What are some typical thoughts I have when I feel this way?

What good reasons exist for disregarding these thoughts?

What effect does ignoring or disregarding these thoughts have on my mood?


MANAGING PROBLEMATIC SUBSTANCE USE THOUGHTS

PURPOSE: This worksheet can be used to help you work with your counsellor or trusted support person to identify and manage thoughts that lead to problematic substance use. You can then use it to generate alternative thoughts.

INSTRUCTIONS: Identify your triggering thoughts that lead to cravings and urges to use. Develop alternative thoughts that would be helpful for thinking about the situation. Collaborate with your counsellor or support person to generate thoughts that support refusal of problematic substance use patterns. Practice thinking about and using these alternative thoughts in your own time.

Tips for identifying problematic substance use thoughts

1. Read the statements below and see if you can relate to them.

2. Think about the thoughts that come to mind right before you use.

3. Keep a record of the thoughts you have when cravings occur.

Tips for creating alternative thoughts

1. Acknowledge the problematic thought. For example, recognize when you have a thought like, “I am thinking about getting drunk before the event I am going to tonight.”

2. Generate a positive coping statement. It could be helpful to think about the benefit of using a positive affirmation. For example, say to yourself, “If I get drunk before this event, I’m not going to be my best self. I choose not to drink before this event. I’ve got this.”

3. Use assertive language that a person who believed they could reduce or quit their problematic use would use. Try assertive words like “no” or “choose” when thinking about the craving or urge. For example, say to yourself, “No, sneaking-drinking thought, I cannot have just one. I end up wasted and my worst qualities come out. I choose to be sober for my event tonight, so I can connect with people who see me for who I really am.”

Problematic substance use thought Alternative thought

No one will ever know if I have this one .

I’m going to do an experiment and see if I can have .

I won’t be able to socialize if I don’t have a .

I deserve a reward, I’ve had a hard day.


CHALLENGING CATASTROPHIC THINKING

PURPOSE: Sometimes we can be overwhelmed by imagining the worst possible outcome of a situation. This kind of catastrophic thinking can be challenged by examining the evidence to determine the most likely or realistic outcome.

INSTRUCTIONS: Choose a situation or dilemma, then use the boxes below to identify the possible outcomes and the evidence that each will occur.

Example: My boss emailed me and wants to talk tomorrow.

1. What is the worst possible outcome associated with your situation?I’m being fired

What’s the evidence that this will occur? No evidence

2. What is the most desirable outcome associated with your situation?I’m getting a raise or promotion

What’s the evidence that this will occur? They were enthusiastic about the last job I did

3. What is the most realistic outcome associated with your situation?I’m going to be assigned a new task to work on

What’s the evidence that this will occur? My current job is almost finished, and my boss seems happy with it

Describe your situation or dilemma:

1. What is the worst possible outcome associated with your situation?

What’s the evidence that this will occur?

2. What is the most desirable outcome associated with your situation?


3. What is the most realistic outcome associated with your situation?



PRACTICING POSITIVE SELF-TALK

PURPOSE: How you talk to yourself has an influence on how you feel and think about yourself. By changing the way you use your inner voice or self-talk, you can begin to see things positively and look for the good in each situation.

INSTRUCTIONS: Below are negative words you might use to describe yourself or that others may have used when talking about you. Circle the words that describe you (you may circle as many as you like). Then cross off any words you circled that you consider to be negative and use the positive words to write new messages about yourself.

Anxious Confident Gentle Hardworking Helpful

Lazy Lonely Messed up Moody Popular

Sad Smart Smiley Stubborn Tough

Write your new positive messages here:

Are there any other words you would use to describe yourself?


INTERRUPTING AND STOPPING WORRY LOOPS 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Interrupting an anxious worry loop requires an intentional and strong replacement to focus on in order to compete with the worry. Cognitive strategies like the ones provided in this activity focus on the powerful executive part of the brain and allow it to shift attention, interrupt rumination, and slowly “cool” a hot, firing fight or flight system.

INSTRUCTIONS: Practice noticing when you are in a worry loop by using the interrupting strategies below to stop your worry loops. These strategies need lots of repetition to compete with the anxious patterns, so be persistent when practicing them! Combine the interrupting strategies with the strategies for redirecting or use something else that you have found helpful in reducing anxiety. Finally, come up with a plan for redirecting your worry loops.

Interrupting Strategies

• Say “Stop” either out loud or in your mind to yourself.

• Visualize the word stop, a stop sign, or a red light.

• Use a physical reminder like wearing a bracelet or carrying a worry stone or other fidget toy in your pocket that you can play with to help stop anxious thinking patterns.

Redirecting Strategies

• Use breathing exercises to settle your mind and body.

• Contain the worry or anxiety either physically or in a nonmaterial way. You can physically contain your worry or anxiety by drawing it or writing it out and then “trapping” it in a container – this can be a journal, box, envelope, or drawer. You can psychologically contain your worry or anxiety by “trapping” the thought using an imaginary “container” of any size, shape, or material.

• Shift your focus onto something else. This is intentional distraction and is different from reactive avoiding. Be careful not to let these distraction strategies take over so that you use them to indefinitely avoid your emotions; distraction is a short-term strategy to help you feel better in the moment.

о Listen to music

о Go for a walk

о Do some laundry

о Watch TV or play video games

о Sing or talk out loud

о Change your location

о Focus on a positive poem, affirmation, or picture

• Use mindfulness strategies to refocus on the task at hand or another mindful activity.

• When you are not anxious, make a list of positive and pleasant things to think about (a prior or dream vacation, favourite movie, or cherished recipe, for example).

• Practice engaging your left brain by doing crossword puzzles or sequencing tasks such as making lists, doing math problems, or reading technical information.

• Individualize these strategies into a personal plan with as much detail as you can.


How do I know when I’m in a worry loop? (Examples: can’t think straight, tummy upset, can’t settle down)

My interrupting strategy:

My redirecting strategies:

INTERRUPTING AND STOPPING WORRY LOOPS 2 of 2


REVERSING MY RESPONSE 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Sometimes the way we respond to certain situations can be unhelpful or create new problems. This exercise will help you recognize patterns in how you respond and then come up with alternative responses that will be more beneficial to your well-being.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the steps below to identify your unhelpful responses and reverse them to find alternative responses that will be more useful.

1. Circle one of the following unhelpful response that you frequently engage in:

• Venting about others such as family, friends, coworkers, students, colleagues, or administrators

• Gossiping about other people

• Blaming external factors or other people for your problems without personal reflection

• Focusing on the negatives of the situation while ignoring the positives

• Losing your cool when you see a mess has been made

• Labelling others as lazy or difficult.

• Other:

2. Now check off all the alternative helpful responses that you can use instead to bring justice, kindness, or compassion to the situation:

Express or demonstrate empathy for others

Pick up someone else’s garbage or clean up a space that is not your own

Say something kind or positive to someone who is struggling

Focus on the positives of a situation

Practice gratitude by naming something you are grateful for every day

Ask “What happened?” rather than “What’s wrong?”

Ask curious questions when others seem disengaged

Other:


3. Now think about your larger purpose. For example, consider why you chose this job, relationship, or commitment. Why do you do what you do? Craft a statement you can use as a reminder of your larger purpose.

4. Practice finding alternative helpful responses daily, especially during difficult situations. Choose the same response solution you did above or find a different response each time.


1. What changed as a result of engaging in a more helpful and healthy response?

2. How did adopting a different attitude and response help you cope?

3. What new perspective did it lend? What did you notice about people’s reactions to your reversed response?

4. What are some other activities you can use to cultivate more helpful responses?

REVERSING MY RESPONSE 2 of 2


IDENTIFYING PROBLEM BEHAVIOURS AND CREATING REPLACEMENTS

PURPOSE: Reducing problem behaviours is best done by replacing them with healthier ones. This worksheet will help you analyze problem behaviours and commit to others that are more beneficial to your well-being.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think about something you are doing that is contributing to the concerns you have in your life or relationships. Try to identify the reasons you continue this behaviour. What thoughts or beliefs underlie it? List the healthy behaviour you want along with potential benefits, then make a specific and doable plan with a timeline for when you will practice the new behaviour.

Problem behaviour

Reason for behaviour

Effect of behaviour

Healthy behaviour

Potential benefits

Timeline

Not going to the gym

• Feel too lazy• Won’t make a difference

• Feel more tired • Don’t see my friends

• Going to the gym

• I will feel healthier and have more energy

• I will reconnect with friends

• I will go Thursday at 5:30, then go Tuesdays and Thursdays after that


IDENTIFYING TRIGGERS

PURPOSE: Unhealthy coping patterns often show up in particular situations. Identifying what sets off your urges for unhealthy coping behaviours can assist you to predict them and prepare for healthier coping.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use this worksheet to monitor your thoughts whenever you notice a negative shift in how you are feeling or when you have urges for unhealthy coping. Record what urges and feelings you are experiencing and the intensity of each on a scale of 1–10. A 1 indicates a slight urge or feeling; a 10 indicates an extremely strong urge or feeling. Record the situation or trigger associated with the feelings or urges as well as your thoughts. Examine your thoughts for any distortions and record them. Finally, consider how you can plan your next steps to healthier coping.

Feelings and urges(Rate 1–10)

Situation or trigger Thoughts Distortions

8Feel like running away

• Forgot to do something I had promised to do today

• I’m such a loser• I always make a mess of things

• Labelling• Overgeneralizing


HEALTHY HABITS LOG

PURPOSE: Starting a new habit or replacing an unhealthy one can be challenging. By tracking new behaviours, you can encourage yourself to keep going until they truly become habits.

INSTRUCTIONS: Check off the days that you practice healthy behaviours, starting with one or two that are easier and adding on more as you go along. For example, consider healthy behaviours such as doing moderate exercise, eating fruits and vegetables, practicing good personal hygiene, using self-massage and deep breathing, and getting sufficient sleep.

Healthy Habits Mon Tues Wed Thurs Fri Sat Sun

Healthy behaviour:

Healthy behaviour:

Healthy behaviour:

Healthy behaviour:

Healthy behaviour:

Healthy behaviour:


COMPULSIVE COPING LOG

PURPOSE: A compulsive coping log is a tool that can be used each time you experience the urge to act in an unhealthy way. It is an effective way to help you slow down, challenge irrational thoughts, identify feelings, and allow for the healthy expression of those feelings.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use a written or audio journal to log the following information when compulsive thoughts and urges occur.

Compulsive coping thought

Possible results

(benefits and costs)

What I am trying to communicate

with this

Date and time

Feelings

Action taken

Location

Situation

Outcome


BEHAVIOUR CHANGE WORKSHEET

PURPOSE: Behaviour change analysis is used to understand the components that prompt, contribute to, and reinforce an unwanted behaviour that you would like to change. This helps identify where change is possible and where acceptance may be needed.

INSTRUCTIONS: Collaborate with a trusted support person to explore the what, where, when, and how of the target behaviour to reach a full understanding of its occurrence. Next, identify consequences, the prompting event, and vulnerabilities around this event. Identify the links in the chain between the prompting event and the behaviour; include thoughts, feelings, body sensations (urges), and actions. There can be as many “links” in the chain as needed to explain how things unfolded. Seek to understand where skills (including acceptance) could be inserted for a different outcome if faced with a similar situation in the future.

What is the target behaviour I am trying to understand?

What vulnerabilities was I experiencing that made the behaviour more likely?

What event got the whole thing going?

What are the thoughts, feelings, actions, and body sensations that lead to the target behaviour?

What consequences did I notice? (Consider whether consequences were immediate or delayed; positive or negative; in self or others.)

How can I reduce my vulnerabilities?

Can anything be done to help reduce the impact of the prompting event?

How can I interrupt or work on thoughts, emotions, and behaviours that lead to the target behaviour?


This section provides activities for intentional movements that people can practice to counteract the impacts of stress and trauma. Trauma, stress, and emotional dysregulation can all impact the body and movement. People who experience the high adrenaline of fight, flight, or freeze are physically on constant high alert. Effects of this include:

• Hyper-arousal: anxiety, flashbacks, compulsive coping, substance abuse, rage, self-injury suicidality.

• Hypo-arousal: physical and emotional immobility, withdrawal, shutdown, numbness, dissociation, compulsive coping, substance abuse, self-injury, suicidality.

People may present with restlessness, agitation, restricted movements, hunched posture, or other physical symptoms. Some may be out of touch with their body and unable to identify their physical sensations. And for some people, doing a physical exercise such as yoga can trigger a release of emotions that they will need assistance to handle.

Even for people who have not experienced trauma, stress can be held in the body. We have a number of interesting metaphors for this in Western culture: a person experiencing grief may have a lump in their throat, someone who is anxious has butterflies in their stomach, and so on. Headaches can often be related to tension held in the upper body. Loss of appetite, fatigue, and other physical symptoms of stress demonstrate the mind–body connection.

BODY AND MOVEMENT


Physical movement can have a surprising impact on emotional states. Simply changing one’s posture can change the way one feels. An action such as pushing away while making an assertive statement can reinforce the experience of assertiveness. We “leap for joy,” and the simple act of lifting our arms in a victorious position can produce more joyful emotions. Movement can be the route to begin healing for people who have difficulty expressing themselves verbally or who are physically constrained.

WHEN TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESSome people may find that other activities in this workbook feel too vulnerable; for instance, they may not be ready to access certain emotions. For these people, active resources may be more helpful, especially at first. Experiment and track the effects together with the person.

• Use introductory activities to help the person link their physical and mental or emotional states These include Movement and Connection With the Body; Identifying Body Clues; and Making the Mind–Body Connection.

• To get someone ready for more insight-oriented activities, or for people who want something they can do in the moment Use the Rhythmic Movement and Neck Rolls activities as these are simple and can be done anywhere, whether at school, work, or home.

• For people who have difficulty naming what they are experiencing Use Sensation Charades and Identifying Sensations.

• To help the person experience how body movement affects mood Use Embodying the Warrior Within – this can also be used as a beginning exercise and doesn’t require a lot of reflection.

• For those who have difficulty unwinding in the evening or falling asleep Use Progressive Muscle Relaxation. This activity can be paired with Restoring Restful Sleep (page 27); The Strangeness of Being Still (page 110); Calming and Settling: Forward Fold (page 111); Fully Relaxing (page 112); and Skillful Soothing (page 113).

A brain sensitized to stress and fear sends messages to the body to brace and tense

to be ready.

Chronic muscle tension leads to signals of pain

and internal stress.GROWING ANXIETY

Intentional movements to notice and relax muscles help interrupt this vicious cycle.


HOW TO USE THESE ACTIVITIES Many people expect counselling to be an entirely conversational process with little physical movement. As a result, it’s important to keep in mind that trying these exercises could be uncomfortable. For some people who have had traumatic experiences, paying attention to their body or making certain movements may be triggering. Assist them to be comfortable by using the following approach:

• Introduce the idea of physical exercises by explaining the mind–body connection.

• Start with something small and easy such as neck rolls.

• Discuss how the person might expect to feel and what will be done to help them feel safe; for example, how they can let you know that they need to stop.

• If the person finds the activity emotionally difficult, stop and take time to help them debrief and feel safe.

• Physical activities are best taught by doing, not just telling. As much as possible, do the activity with the person, observing their level of comfort and pausing or stopping if they show discomfort.


MOVEMENT AND CONNECTION WITH THE BODY

PURPOSE: Moving and stretching muscles and ligaments allow the release and flow of built-up stress in the body and brain. Increasing general flexibility and agility in daily activities interrupts the pattern of tensed and braced muscles.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the directions below to do four simple movement exercises.

Stretching

• Intentionally yawn and stretch the jaw and face muscles. This pairs well with breath regulation exercises.

• Sit or stand with your spine upright, stretching your shoulders back and opening your chest.

• Do shoulder and arm circles, going from small to big and exploring directions.

• Dynamic stretching (exploring your full range of motion):

о Shoulder and arm circles – go from small to big and explore directions.

о Hip circles – place your hands on your hips and swing your hips forward, then circle them around (go in both directions).

о Knee circles – place your hands on your knees as you bend them slightly; slowly circle the knees together (go in both directions).

о Ankle circles – one ankle at a time, either with your toe on the ground or holding your foot in the air, circle your ankle around (go in both directions).

Neck Rolls Stand or sit with your spine upright so you are well supported. Gently release your head so that it tips forward – only as far as is comfortable. Explore small, gentle neck rolls from side to side (caution going back), feeling the stretch in your neck. Find what is comfortable right now. Clicks and cracks in the neck muscles are normal as they release and let go. Do not push or strain this movement – pay attention to the limits of your body.

Tense and Release Systematically go through general muscle areas, focusing on one at a time. Intentionally tense and squeeze those muscles groups for about five seconds, then release and breathe fully. Go through your head and face; shoulders, arms, and fists; abdomen; legs, feet, and toes. It can also be beneficial to experiment with starting from the feet and moving upward.

Finger Push-UpsPlace the fingertips of one hand against those from your other hand. Slowly and firmly push your palms toward and then away from each other while keeping your fingers strong – like a push-up. Try to take at least five seconds for each repetition.


IDENTIFYING BODY CLUES

PURPOSE: This exercise is helpful for gaining awareness of how emotions are experienced in your body. It can also be effective in normalizing the physical symptoms of anxiety or emotional distress and helping you develop awareness and understanding of your emotional experience.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the instructions below to gain awareness of how you experience emotions in your own body.

1. Use the outline provided or draw an outline of a body on a piece of paper.

2. Imagine experiencing an emotion, such as anger, sorrow, joy, or fear.

3. Identify the physical symptoms and body clues experienced when feeling this emotion.

4. Draw a line connecting each body clue to the part of the body where the symptom occurs. If you’d like, colour the area where the emotion is felt in your body.

EXAMPLE:

Headache

SweatingStomach ache


MAKING THE MIND–BODY CONNECTION 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Exploring patterns in various areas of health can aid in raising awareness about the direct connection between your body and mind. This will allow you to make more informed, healthier choices.

INSTRUCTIONS: Complete the tables below to keep track of your health habits.

Physical HealthDocument basic information about your physical, nutritional, sleep, and hygiene habits for one to two weeks. Explore the findings with your counsellor or trusted support person and work together to identify areas that increase or reduce your stress levels. Build an action plan that works to strengthen helpful patterns and modify or eliminate problematic patterns.

Item Example Mon Tue Wed Thurs Fri Sat Sun

Water intake

3 glasses

Eating and snacking times

11:44 a.m., 4:40 p.m.10:15 p.m.4 a.m.

Hours of sleep

5.5 hours

Length/type of exercise

30 min run

Alcohol intake

Glass of wine at 10:15 p.m.

Hygiene Shower

Physical discomfort

Back pain


Mental, Spiritual, and Financial HealthDocument basic information regarding your emotional, psychological, spiritual, and financial health for a period of one to two weeks. Explore the findings with your counsellor or trusted support person and work together to identify areas that can help or hinder your feelings of well-being. Build an action plan that works to strengthen helpful patterns and modify or eliminate problematic patterns.

Item Example Mon Tue Wed Thurs Fri Sat Sun

Activities that brought me joy

Lunch with an old college roommate

People/pets who brought me joy

Brad – my old college roommate

Sense of my financial status

Okay – payday was just on Friday

Time spent outdoors

None

Things I am proud of

Made it to work on time

Things I did well

Can’t think of any

Stress items

Son recently diagnosed with autism – met with school today

MAKING THE MIND–BODY CONNECTION 2 of 2


RHYTHMIC MOVEMENT

PURPOSE: Activities with consistent physical rhythms help with physical and emotional regulation.

INSTRUCTIONS: Choose a rhythmic activity from the list below. As you do the activity, match your breathing to its rhythm. Walking is a natural rhythmic movement – for example, matching your breath to the pace of walking helps the body and mind work together to settle your emotional state.

• Dance, swing, jump rope, stand and sway, or stretch – these can all be intentional rhythmic movements used to support regulation.

• Play simple rhythms while listening to music using a drum, the floor, your feet, hands, or any percussive instrument.

• Play collaborative games with others involving music, a drumbeat, or clapping rhythms. Some examples are Patty Cake or Sevens (hand-clapping games), the Hokey Pokey, or Movement Chain (movement games).

• Hum or sing while doing simple movements.

For any of the activities above, you can also say or sing a short phrase to help maintain your rhythm. For example:

• “Breathing in, breathing out.”

• “Breathing in openness, breathing out tension.”

• “Breathe and jump, one; breathe and jump, two.”

• “Stretch left, stretch right.”


NECK ROLLS

PURPOSE: We often carry emotional and physical tension in our neck and upper body. Gentle movement of the neck muscles can loosen and release this tension.

INSTRUCTIONS: Choose a position that is comfortable, either sitting or standing, so that your spine is upright and you feel supported by a stable surface. Then follow the steps below to release tension in your neck.

1. Allow your attention to move inward, noticing how your head rests on your neck, which rests on your shoulders. Allow your head and spine to straighten, stretching yourself to sit or stand just a little taller. Sense your spine supporting your tall posture.

2. When you feel ready, gently allow your head to release, and drop your chin slowly forward toward your chest. If it feels okay, gently and slowly roll your head toward one shoulder, then back toward the other, not pushing past any discomfort.

3. Choose how big or small to make the movement back and forth. Notice how you can go slower or faster, bigger or smaller.

4. Investigate what feels good, perhaps experimenting with bigger arcs or very slow and small movements side to side. You can lift your chin or keep it lower.

5. You may notice small clicks or cracking sounds as your neck muscles let go slightly; this is normal. If you notice tension or soreness in a particular area, you can focus your breathing on this area to help release the tension slightly.

6. Pay attention to your shoulders and allow them to release and move into a neutral position.

7. Continue the neck rolls for a few more moments, bringing them to an end when you feel ready to do so.

8. Allow your attention to come out to your external environment and take a few moments to reflect and note any observations about your experience.


SENSATION CHARADES

PURPOSE: This activity can be used to practice identifying and naming sensations in a playful way. It will help you to explore and deepen body awareness, so you can begin noticing the immediate experience of sensation.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the steps below with a partner to practice naming and identifying sensations.

1. Think of some things that create distinct sensations, such as certain tastes or smells, or use the sample words below. Write them on index cards or small pieces of paper to create your own word cards.

Cotton ball Campfire smoke Toes pinched in too-small shoes

Chicken soup A candied apple Waking up from a good sleep

Sandpaper Ginger ale Ice skating

Black licorice Snowflake Holding a freshly caught fish in your hands

2. Choose a word card and take a few moments to imagine and visualize the object or experience in your mind. Use your senses to help you; what do you imagine you hear, see, smell, taste, and feel?

3. Describe your word to your partner by just describing the sensations (taste, touch, inside feeling, quality of sound, or smell). You can use a list of common sensation words to help with this. Use some of these beginning phrases to help you describe sensations:

• “When I touch it, my fingers feel…”

• “When I smell it, my nose feels or senses…”

• “When I taste it, my tongue and mouth feel…”

• “When I visualize it, I can feel or sense in my belly (or chest, or hands, or arms)…”

• “When I imagine hearing it, the rest of my body responds by…”


IDENTIFYING SENSATIONS

PURPOSE: Noticing and identifying sensations is helpful for learning to recognize and manage emotions. This capacity is also essential for helping your body shift from a stressed, dysregulated state to a settled and regulated state. It is important to be able to notice and connect with sensations that are associated with both stressed states and settled states.

INSTRUCTIONS: Pay attention to what you sense in your own body when feeling stressed and when feeling settled. Use the lists below to identify descriptors for your sensations. These lists are just samples and may carry different meanings for each person – feel free to add your own words if these don’t fit for you.

Sensation words often associated with more stressed and dysregulated states:

• Abrasive, angular

• Barbed, bloated, blunt, bristly, broken, bulging, bulky, bumpy, bushy

• Chafing, chapped, choppy, chunky, clammy, coarse, cold, corrugated

• Dense, dented, dirty, distended, distorted, dry, dusty

• Edgy, etched, filmy, flat, flimsy, fragile, freezing, frigid, furry, fuzzy

• Glassy, glazed, gnarled, gooey, grainy, grating, gravelly, greasy, gritty

• Hairy, hard, harsh, hollow, hot, icy, impenetrable, inflated, irregular, itchy

• Jagged, limp, lumpy, metallic, narrow, pointy, prickly

• Ragged, rasping, razor sharp, ridged, rigid, rough, rusty, rutted

• Sandy, saturated, scalding, scarred, scored, scraped, scratched, sculptured, serrated, shaggy, sharp, slimy, soiled, spiky, spiny, steely, stubbly

• Stiff, sticky, sweaty, tepid, thick, thin, thorny, throbbing

• Uncomfortable, uneven, vibrating, viscous

• Waterlogged, withered, woolen, wrinkled, zigzag

Sensation words often associated with settled, solid, and regulated states:

• Airy, aerated

• Breathy, bubbly, calm, circular, clean, cool, cushioned

• Doughy, downy, earthy, even

• Feathery, firm, fleecy, flowing, fluffy, fluid, frothy

• Gentle, glossy, grounded, grooved, hot

• Layered, leathery, level, lined, loose, lukewarm

• Malleable, moist, moving, mushy, neat

• Oily, open, padded, patterned, pliable, polished, pulpy

• Quiet, ribbed, rock-solid, rubbery, rolling

• Sheer, silky, slick, slippery, smooth, soaking, soapy, soft, soggy, solid

• Sparkly, spongy, springy, stable, steely, syrupy

• Tepid, thick, thin, tingly, unbreakable, unyielding

• Varnished, velvety, veneered, vibrating

• Warm, wavy, well-oiled, wet, wide, wiry, woven

• Yielding, zigzag


EMBODYING THE WARRIOR WITHIN

PURPOSE: Inspired by yoga, the warrior pose is a common posture which promotes stability, grounding, strength, and confidence. Simply changing your posture can change the way you feel emotionally.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the steps below to practice your warrior pose.

1. Stand with your feet hip-width apart. Lift up one leg and step back so that your heel is in line with your hip, and your toes are pointed outwards at a 45 degree angle. Press down with the outer edge of your foot, keeping the heel grounded. You will feel a slight stretch in your back leg. Position your front leg so that your knee is bent slightly and positioned directly over your front ankle for stability.

2. Move your arms directly up over your head, hands open with fingers extended, palms facing each other. Lift your head so it is straight over your spine. Relax your shoulders and breathe freely.

3. Feel the strength and stability in your body. Enjoy the feeling of being strong and rooted.

Variation: Victory Pose

1. Stand with your feet hip-width apart.

2. Thrust your arms high with energy, and stretch your hands toward the sky as if you are cheering a win by your favourite sports team.


1. What do you notice as you hold these poses? Is there a feeling or sensation?

2. Does an image that is linked to your stance come to mind?

3. What do you notice in your body and emotions after releasing the pose?


PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION

PURPOSE: Progressive muscle relaxation involves the tensing and releasing of muscles in the body to initiate the relaxation response. Focusing on specific muscle groups helps you become more aware of your body and the presence or absence of tension.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the steps below to practice progressive muscle relaxation. It is most helpful to do deep, slow breathing after each muscle group is tensed and released.

Short, Targeted Format

1. Get into a comfortable position, either sitting or standing.

2. Clench your hands (or any tense area of the body) and hold them tightly closed for 10 seconds while keeping the rest of your body relaxed.

3. Release the tension and notice how your hands feel loose and relaxed.

4. Breathe in slowly.

5. Exhale slowly, imagining the tension leaving your body.

6. Repeat.

Full Body FormatUsing the tense and release procedure from the short format, start with your feet and move up the body, tensing and releasing major muscle groups or tense areas of the body, ending with your face muscles. Do each area once and take five slow breaths after each tense and release, imagining tension leaving your body on the exhalation. This practice can help induce relaxation and sleep.


Breathing is a unique body function that is both automatic and easily controllable. Many body functions are interconnected; for example, an increased heart rate triggers increased respiration to bring more oxygen into the bloodstream. In this way, breath is a vital link between body and mind. The muscles involved in inhaling and exhaling respond quickly to changing emotional environments (particularly to high stress) to aid a fast response.

It is helpful to distinguish between two types of breathing, each characterized by how breath enters and leaves the body. The first is relaxed, regulated breath. When we feel joy, relaxation, and a state of calm, we make a longer, more regular pause after exhaling. We fill our lower lungs first and empty them last, expanding the lower abdomen. This belly breathing is quiet and effortless.

The second type of breathing is effortful, dysregulated breath. This occurs when we are in a state of high alert, feeling fear, anxiety, anger, or despair. It can be characterized by shorter spurts with no pauses; moments of holding our breath with lungs full of air; or very fast, deep breaths with no pause after exhaling. It is usually located more in the upper chest and tends to be louder. One effect of rapid, shallow breathing is that the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide in our bodies is altered, which leads to more activation of the body’s fight or flight system. This is a vicious cycle in which high alert leads to effortful breathing, which leads to higher alert and even more effortful breathing, and so on.

BREATHING


Focusing attention on the breath and calming its rhythm is a common and powerful way to focus the mind and calm the body. When breathing is regulated, the body’s calming system is activated, which reduces pain and discomfort. The balance between oxygen and carbon dioxide in the body is quickly restored, shutting off the physical high alert switch. When in high alert, everything is more rigid and constrained. Calming the breath is an effective, easily accessible way to manage overwhelming emotional and physical states.

WHEN TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESBreathing exercises are beneficial for any helping situation, particularly when supporting those who struggle with anxiety. Effortful breath is often an early indicator of anxiety or a potential panic attack, but focused breathing can interrupt the anxiety cycle and reduce the occurrence or duration of panic.

• For noticing breath and using belly breathing Use The Mechanics of Breathing and Mindfulness to Breath Meditation.

• For anyone who needs counting to increase their focus and prevent them from breathing too rapidly Use Counting My Breathing and Relaxation Breathing to incorporate different methods for counting or using imagery while focusing on breath.

• For those who find it helpful to combine a physical action with the breathing exercise Use Rain Shower Breath (this exercise can be particularly useful for youth).

• For people who will benefit from having a variety of choices Use Mindful Breathing Tips – a collection of different breathing exercises on an easy-to-read single page.

HOW TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESDo the activity with the person, then provide the handout. Avoid simply handing out the activity without explanation or practice. If a person is showing signs of increased anxiety during a session, stop and do some breathing with them right then and there.

• Help the person learn to notice and describe their breathing rhythms in many different situations, including when anxious.

о Pause and notice: Where can I notice my breathing? In my nostrils, mouth, or chest? What is the pace of my breath like? Is it shallow, jagged, gulping, even, smooth, deep, stop and start?

• Support shifting the rhythm of breath.

о Have the person place one hand on their chest and the other on their abdomen, breathing into each hand in order to feel the difference between chest and belly breathing. Encourage them to notice when the shoulders rise with chest breathing.


о Use images to help the person focus on taking a slow, full breath to completely expand the lungs, and then exhale fully, emptying the lungs. For example:

• Imagine blowing up a balloon and then watching it deflate.

• Inhale at a pace to comfortably suck through a straw and exhale at a pace to blow off the petals of a flower, one by one.

• Use counting at a regular pace to keep inhalations and exhalations long and even.

о It is important to learn to expand the belly when inhaling and allow it to naturally be soft and empty when exhaling.

о Encourage the practice of these techniques at many natural points in the day, such as upon waking, before eating, when stopped at a traffic light, or when a timer on the person’s phone goes off.

ADDITIONAL TIPS

• Sometimes it helps to breathe through the nostrils instead of the mouth.

• Regulated breathing moves more into the belly rather than high in the chest. Help the person learn to expand the belly when inhaling and allow it to naturally be soft and empty when exhaling. It can help to place your own hands on your sides and demonstrate the lower ribs expanding outwards.

• It is important not to push too hard to change one’s breathing. Have the person start with just one or two longer, deeper breaths, then allow breathing to go back to its natural rhythm.

VARIATIONS ON RAIN SHOWER BREATH

• Imagine the colour or temperature of the rain shower to add another sensory element to deepen the experience.

• Connect a soothing thought or something the person would like to have come into their life with the rain shower falling on them.

• Use another image instead of the rain shower to fit with the downward motion of the arms (for example, a volcano erupting or drawing a rainbow).


THE MECHANICS OF BREATHING

PURPOSE: When we focus on our breathing, we can feel our chest expanding and contracting, our diaphragm contracting and relaxing, and perhaps other muscles that are connected to our ribcage. Learning to breathe into and soften our belly helps increase strength and flexibility in our breathing and in our felt experience.

INSTRUCTIONS: Find a quiet, private location and get into a comfortable, relaxed position. Use the steps below to practice breathing.

1. Put one hand on your chest and the other on your belly. First, tune in to your breath; notice how you are breathing without worrying about changing anything. (Pause)

2. Now you can intentionally move into belly breathing. Put your lower hand around your belly button area, and as you inhale, gently push your belly out into your hand. Relax and allow your belly to be soft; this is not meant to be strained. (Pause)

3. Now relax and exhale, allowing your diaphragm to rise up naturally. Soften your back and spine at the same time, curling your lower back in slightly. (Pause)

4. Continue breathing in this way for a few minutes. Stop if it gets uncomfortable.

Keys to incorporate into breathing practice:

• Practice sitting upright and “opening” your chest.

• Guard against exerting too much effort.

• Inhale through the nose to promote relaxation.

• Attend to adding or allowing a pause after you exhale.

• Practice noticing the rhythm and depth of your breathing.

• As you inhale, practice finding a little more room between the ribs; as you breathe out, practice exhaling just a moment longer – this helps increase diaphragm flexibility.

Noticing when our breathing becomes shallow lets us know that we are in high alert. At that point, we can focus on our breathing and calm ourselves, allowing us more choice in our response.


MINDFULNESS TO BREATH MEDITATION

PURPOSE: Bringing your attention to your breath focuses your mind on the present moment and allows you to become calm and settled.

INSTRUCTIONS: Ask your counsellor or a trusted support person to lead you in this activity while you relax and follow their guidance. You may choose to have them read it aloud in a calming voice or record it to be played back whenever you wish. Sit or lie in a comfortable position and take a few deep breaths before you begin.

1. Close your eyes or focus on a spot a few feet in front of you that is still. Start to turn your attention inward. (Pause)

2. Breathe slowly and evenly from your diaphragm. Breathe so that your stomach slowly rises and falls, while your chest moves only slightly. You can put one hand on your abdomen and the other on your chest to verify this. (Pause)

3. Pay attention to your breathing as you inhale and exhale. When your attention drifts elsewhere, don’t judge the thoughts – just notice them and gently bring your attention back to your breath. (Pause)

4. Be mindful of the sensations caused by your slow, rhythmic breathing. Pay attention to the air flowing in and out of your body. Be aware of your abdomen rising and falling. Listen to the sounds of your breathing. (Pause)

5. Again and again, your mind will wander. When this happens, gently bring your attention back to your breath.


COUNTING MY BREATHING

PURPOSE: Focusing on counting will help you make your breaths slow and even, which creates the calming benefit of this exercise. Counting can also interrupt worried thoughts and help you focus solely on your breath.

INSTRUCTIONS: Ask your counsellor or a trusted support person to lead you in this activity while you relax and follow their guidance. You may choose to have them read it aloud in a calming voice or record it to be played back whenever you wish. Sit or lie in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths before you begin. If your thoughts wander, just let them, and gently move your attention back to the exercise.

1. Allow yourself a few moments to relax. (Pause)

2. Take time to notice your breathing, gradually slowing down the rate of inhaling and exhaling as you become more comfortable. (Pause)

3. Now relax and enjoy the feeling. (Pause)

4. Close your mouth and relax your shoulders, releasing any tension that has built up. (Pause)

5. Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose. As you slowly count to six, let the air you breathe in push your stomach out.

6. Hold your breath in as you slowly count to four.

7. Breathe out slowly through your mouth as you continue, counting up to six as you exhale.

8. Breathe in. (2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

9. Hold. (2, 3, 4)

10. Breathe out. (2, 3, 4, 5, 6) Repeat this cycle several times.

11. Remember, if thoughts enter your mind, gently return your attention to your breath.

12. After several cycles, as you breathe out, silently and calmly repeat to yourself as many times as you’d like:

• “My breathing is smooth and rhythmic.” (Pause)

• “My breathing is easy and calm.” (Pause)

• “My breathing is smooth and rhythmic.” (Pause)

• “I am peaceful and calm.” (Pause)

13. Continue to take deep, rhythmic breaths. Let the tension fade away each time you breathe out.

14. If you have closed your eyes, gently open them. (Pause)

15. Return to your day peaceful, more focused, and relaxed.


RELAXATION BREATHING

PURPOSE: Relaxation breathing is a strategy for reducing intense anxiety. It can also be used as an anxiety-prevention tool. It is most helpful when practiced regularly to prevent the buildup of stress and anxiety.

INSTRUCTIONS: This can be done anywhere and at any time. Ask your counsellor or a trusted support person to lead you in this activity while you relax and follow their guidance. You may choose to have them read it aloud in a calming voice or record it to be played back whenever you wish. Sit or lie in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths before you begin. If your thoughts wander, just let them, and gently move your attention back to the exercise.

1. If you are able, inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth. (Pause) You may find it helpful to focus on an image as you do this:

• Imagine blowing up a balloon and then watching it deflate.

• Inhale at a pace you would use to comfortably suck through a straw; exhale at a pace to blow off the petals of a flower, one by one.

2. Get into a comfortable position. Place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen. Practice breathing into each hand to feel the difference between chest and belly breathing. (Pause)

3. Notice your breathing. (Pause)

• Where in your body do you notice your breathing – in your nostrils, mouth, or throat? Do you feel your chest rise and fall?

• What is the pace of your breath like? Is it shallow, jagged, gulping, even, or deep?

4. Inhale for a count of four. Take a slow, deep breath to fully expand the lungs and belly. (Pause) Hold the breath for a count of four.

5. Breathe out for a count of eight. Exhale fully, emptying the lungs and relaxing the belly. (Pause)

• The exhalation should be about twice as long as the inhalation. The long, slow breath out triggers the relaxation response.

• Many people find a count of four–four–eight is comfortable for slowing down and regulating their breathing. For others, this count may need to be adjusted.

• As you begin to slowly exhale, you can make a humming sound; make this sound for as long as possible, then relax and repeat.

6. Repeat five times, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth.

7. Practice these techniques at many natural points in the day, such as upon waking, before eating, when stopped at a traffic light, or when a timer on your phone goes off.

Additional TipRegulated breathing moves more into the belly rather than high in the chest. Learn to expand the belly when inhaling and allow it to naturally be soft and empty when exhaling. It is important not to push too hard to change your breathing. Start with just one or two longer, deeper breaths. Then allow your breathing to return to your natural rhythm.


RAIN SHOWER BREATH

PURPOSE: The rhythm of this activity teaches you to notice a pause between inhalation and exhalation, which slows your breathing and promotes regulation.

INSTRUCTIONS: Practice these techniques at many natural points in the day, such as upon waking, before eating, when stopped at a traffic light, or when a timer on your phone goes off. Ask your counsellor or a trusted support person to lead you in this activity while you relax and follow their guidance. You may choose to have them read it aloud in a calming voice or record it to be played back whenever you wish. Sit or lie in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths before you begin. If your thoughts wander, just let them, and gently move your attention back to the exercise.

1. Stand or sit with your feet hip-width apart. Start with your palms pressed together in front of your heart. (Pause)

2. Take a slow, long breath in through your nose until it feels like your lungs are completely full. (Pause)

3. Raise your arms up above your head, keeping your palms together. Slowly exhale and allow your arms to move down to the side, matching the rhythm of your breath. Imagine this downward motion is a rain shower falling gently down from above. (Pause)

4. Bring your hands back to your heart, putting your palms together again, ready for the next long, slow inhale. (Pause)

5. Repeat this exercise several times.

Additional TipsRegulated breathing moves more into the belly rather than high in the chest. Learn to expand the belly when inhaling and allow it to naturally be soft and empty when exhaling. It can help to put your hands on your sides and feel your ribs expanding out sideways. It is important not to push too hard to change your breathing. Start with just one or two longer, deeper breaths. Then allow your breathing to return to your natural rhythm.


MINDFUL BREATHING TIPS

PURPOSE: Mindful breathing exercises have been proven to reduce stress and promote a feeling of calm when practiced regularly. They can be used anywhere and may be of significant benefit to individuals struggling with emotional regulation. Relaxed abdominal breathing (as opposed to shallow chest breathing) greatly increases the effectiveness of these exercises.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the directions below for any of the five types of mindful breathing.

1. Counting breath

• Breathe in…Breathe out and say “One.”

• Breathe in…Breathe out and say “Two.”

• Continue until you reach ten, then start over.

2. Becoming calm breathing

• Breathe in and think or say “I am…”

• Breathe out and think or say “…becoming calm,” “…letting go,” or another phrase that promotes relaxation.

3. Cycle breathing

• Inhale. (Count to four)

• Hold. (Count to two)

• Exhale. (Count to four)

• Hold. (Count to two)

4. Raised arm breathing

• Sit with your forearms resting on your legs, palms down.

• Breathe in. (Bend elbows and raise back of hands to shoulders)

• Breathe out. (Return arms to lap)

5. Walking breathing

• Walk very slowly, synchronizing your breath with your steps: one step for each inhalation, one step for each exhalation.

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Recently, Western counselling methods have been integrating a long history of mindfulness practices from many different cultures. Mindfulness has many well-known benefits, such as:

• Increased emotional regulation, through the ability to alter intensity of emotion and return to a calmer state, thereby reducing stress, anxiety, and depression

• Increased clarity of awareness and increased short-term working memory

• Decreased rumination and negative emotional states, such as anger, fear, and depression

• Enhanced positive emotional states, such as happiness, compassion, and peacefulness

• Improved interpersonal skills and ability to connect meaningfully with others

• Decreased struggle and conflict in intimate relationships

Visualization and meditation can also be used to focus and calm the mind. The human capacity for imagination contributes to achievement and innovation. However, this capacity is also a playground for worry, rumination, and anticipatory anxiety. People prone to anxiety tend to have very vivid and active imaginations. Rather than trying to suppress this, it can be profoundly productive to learn how to use skillful imagination to relieve stress, expand problem-solving capacity, and even worry well.

WHEN TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESMindfulness practices are useful for anyone, but they can be especially valuable for people who have difficulty regulating their emotions, such as those who are experiencing the ongoing impact of trauma.

• To provide a general introduction to mindfulness practice Use Being Mindful in Daily Life and Tips for Calming and Settling.

• To help people practice self-observation Begin with Observing My Experiences; Developing Observer Ability; and Observing Breath Exercise.

MINDFULNESS AND CALMING


• To provide valuable grounding methods for people who are experiencing high anxiety, flashbacks, or dissociation, to help them bring their awareness back to the present Start by using Quieting the Nervous System, and then direct them toward Finding My Centre: Anchoring and Resourcing and Rooting to the Ground: Breath Visualization to foster a sense of stability.

• To support people who are disconnected from their physical selves Use Techniques for Embodying Resources; Learning the Language of the Body; and Exploring the Internal Sense: Body Scan.

• For people who struggle with restlessness and an inability to settle (especially those with sleep problems) Use The Strangeness of Being Still; Calming and Settling: Forward Fold; Fully Relaxing; and Skillful Soothing. Pair these with Restoring Restful Sleep (page 27); and Progressive Muscle Relaxation (page 85).

• For people who respond to imagery Use the guided activities that use the imagination, such as Warm Water Wash Visualization; Transformation Visualization; and Using Imagination: Mountain Meditation. My Special Place and My Own Visualization are for those who wish to use an image that has particular meaning for them.

HOW TO USE THESE ACTIVITIES Consider these key factors when introducing mindfulness ideas or practices with people:

• Ground this work in what you regularly practice yourself.

• Start small and simple with what you show people and what you ask them to do.

• Practice with people and encourage them. When learning something new or different, people naturally want to focus on doing it right (or think they aren’t doing it right) and thus can easily get discouraged. They need your calm presence to help them develop their mindfulness skills.

• Give information as to why this might be helpful to them and why you think it is important.

• Understand, model, and emphasize repetition. Do this often with yourself and with the person. It is through repetition that people will experience the greatest benefit.

• The Fully Relaxing exercise will be most beneficial if done at the end of a series of more active exercises. Combine this with movement and stretching activities, and then guide the person to practice letting go of all effort.

When using the visualization activities, keep these points in mind:

• Encourage people to practice using their imagination to go to a place that is soothing, comforting, exciting, joyful, or life-giving in some way. As a helper, prompt the person to deepen this experience by imagining sights, sounds, or tactile sensations.


• Initially, the person will need a guide or coach to talk them through the visualization. You may choose to make a recording that they can take home for further practice (along with the handout), or teach a family member or other support person to guide the experience.

• To introduce the activity, actually do it with the person, and then explore with them what it was like. Be open to any ideas for modifications they may want to make – for instance, they may prefer to imagine a tropical island instead of a mountain. Any sensory stimuli can be used for the focus: sounds, sights, textures, tastes, or smells. Discuss when and how they can use the activity at home.

• When imagining a special place, emphasize that this is to be a place in this world, not heaven or the afterlife. This is so as not to encourage someone who is suicidal to become more attached to the idea of going to heaven. Ask the person to tell you where or what their special place is and explore what it means to them.


BEING MINDFUL IN DAILY LIFE

PURPOSE: Integrating mindful moments into your daily life will enable you to access the benefits of mindfulness throughout the day and turn it into a new healthy habit.

INSTRUCTIONS: Practice integrating the mindful moments below into your daily life.

Mindfulness with music: Play a selection of music and really listen. Close your eyes and listen to the sounds. Allow it to move your emotions. When your mind wanders, say hello to the thoughts and gently bring your attention back to the music.

Mindfulness with food: During a meal, pay attention to the food as it enters your mouth. Note its texture and flavour while chewing each bite a few more times than usual. Pause between swallows and engage all of your senses. How does this change your eating experience?

Mindfulness in the shower: Get under the spray of the shower and bring your full attention to the experience. Be aware of the warmth of the water, your muscles relaxing, and the scent of the soap. If you begin to think about what will happen after the shower, let those thoughts about the future go and return your attention back to the experience of the shower.

Do one thing at a time: Take whatever activity you are currently engaged in and make the moment about the activity. Do each thing with all of your attention.

Where else can you bring mindfulness into your daily life?


TIPS FOR CALMING AND SETTLING

PURPOSE: It can be beneficial to learn how to calm ourselves and take time to practice. This will help in times of high stress and can also prevent us from becoming too agitated or worried in the anticipation of stress.

INSTRUCTIONS: Try the following tips and activities. Start by practicing these at a time when you are not highly stressed, then use them when you are more stressed.

Tips for Increasing Your Ability to Settle

• Pay attention to your diet and avoid excessive stimulants and sugar.

• Avoid excessive amounts of alcohol and ensure you drink enough water.

• Pay attention to your sleep and develop a calming routine for before bed.

• Ensure you get regular exercise – physical activity helps your body use its natural abilities to regulate itself.

Practice RestingCreate a tranquil space by limiting stimuli such as light, sound, and interruptions, and practice stilling the body and the mind. Choosing a simple stimulation to focus the mind can help, such as a short, simple phrase, music without lyrics, or a soothing visual to look at.

Body ScanLying down or sitting comfortably in a chair, start either at the top of your head or the bottom of your feet. Use your awareness like a scanner and slowly pause at each different body part, noting any tension or sensation, and then move on to the next. You don’t need to tense and release each body part as here the purpose is simply to develop the ability to attune and be aware, letting go of trying to change anything. This helps alleviate the struggle against tension and anxiety. This can be a good exercise for when you are getting ready to go to sleep.

It can be particularly useful to do a body scan after spending some time doing more active movement. This supports the body to release stress and then deepen the state of regulation. Note that you don’t have to be completely still for the body scan. Some people regulate better with some stimulation through walking slowly, swimming, or making gentle movements.

Make the Moment BetterWhen some moments are tough and we just need to get through, we can do certain things that help us make the moment just a little bit better. For example:

• Try gratitude: Even though this is hard, remind yourself that you have done hard things before. Is there anything to be grateful for in this moment?

• Make meaning: Remind yourself of why you are doing this. Can anything be gained or seen as a silver lining?

• Take a mini vacation: Can you “put your misery down” for a moment? Take a break, pet the cat, go to a movie, do something that represents a pause. Watch out for avoidance – the vacation should not interfere with problem solving or make things worse.


OBSERVING MY EXPERIENCES

PURPOSE: The goal of being mindful is to be fully present in this moment so that your brain is with your body – not “somewhere else,” lost in past regrets or future worries. You can turn your distracted brain back to the present by observing and describing what is going on and being curious about the experience.

INSTRUCTIONS: Practice making both external and internal observations. Observe without judging – simply describe what you are experiencing and be curious about it.

Practice making external observations using your five senses. Only describe observable facts. Review the examples below and add your own ways of noticing your sensory experiences.

• Smell: Notice smells while out on a walk.

• Sound: Listen to a radio station in a different language.

• Sight: Look at a picture and describe it in a nonjudgemental manner.

• Touch: Place your hand on the table and observe the sensation.

• Taste: Eat a chocolate from a mixed box without looking at the diagram.

Observe your internal experiences to notice if your attention wandered or if you are immersed in your emotions. Internal observation includes thoughts, urges, and sensations.

Practice inner observing by noticing and describing:

• Thoughts: Notice thoughts as they come and go like leaves floating down a river. What is the pace? Length? Content? Noticing thoughts helps create distance rather than getting lost in them.

• Sensations/urges: For example, you sense a tightness in your chest, or you want to be alone.

When we describe something to identify the content of our thoughts and their qualities, or the characteristics or meaning of a sensation, we become more able to distance ourselves to get perspective.


1. How is the experience of observing and describing without judgement different from what you’re used to?

2. Is there a connection between your internal and external experiences? For example, do certain sights or sounds connect you to a sense of inner calmness?


DEVELOPING OBSERVER ABILITY

PURPOSE: One of the most important roles of the “thinking” region of the brain is to discern how intense a perceived threat or worry really is. Developing the ability to observe all aspects of a situation will help you in discerning what is helpful and unhelpful worry, and then choosing possible actions.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the diagram below to guide you in being an observer when you experience being worried or feeling stressed.

Body sensationsWhat is happening in your body right now?

ActionsWhat is happening in your behaviour? What urges do you have to act or not act?

ThoughtsWhat thoughts, beliefs, or experiences of “mind talk” are happening?

EmotionsWhat feeling or tone do you attach to this experience?

What are qualities you notice when you are being an observer?

OBSERVER


OBSERVING BREATH EXERCISE

PURPOSE: This activity uses your imagination and breath to reduce stress and develop your awareness of the present moment.

INSTRUCTIONS: Ask a trusted support person to read the instructions below in a soothing, calm voice, or have it recorded so you can play it as often as you wish. Feel free to adapt the language if any words or phrases do not fit for you. To begin, sit or lie in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths to begin. Only practice part two after you have practiced observing your breath with part one for a while.

Part 1

1. Look gently around the room and bring your awareness to the ceiling for a moment, then to a wall or a point far away from you. (Pause)

2. Now bring your awareness to the space about two feet in front of you. Notice how you can move your awareness around to different spots. (Pause)

3. Now let your attention go inward. Feel free to close your eyes if that’s comfortable. You’re going to explore your inner mind and take a look around, as if you were floating comfortably on a calm lake. (Pause)

4. Allow your awareness to find your breath wherever you can feel it easily – your nostrils, chest, belly, lungs – and just follow your breath, in and out. (Pause)

5. Recognize your breath as the anchor for your boat or a buoy in the centre of your lake. Your breath can be the anchor for the rest of the activity in your mind, such as your thoughts or any images. When you notice your thoughts floating away somewhere else, allow your anchor to catch and gently pull your awareness back to your breath. (Pause)

6. Continue to follow your breath for a few minutes. Practice this every day.

Part 2

1. As you stay aware of the anchor of your breath, allow yourself to intentionally notice your mental activity, wherever it may go. Notice that you can be aware of this activity without being swept away with it. Whenever you like, you can bring your attention back to your breath at the centre.

2. Stay connected to your breath anchor and watch what images, memories, thoughts, or feelings rise to the surface. Let yourself acknowledge or name these mental activities (for example, “There is my worry,” “I’m thinking about my mom,” or “I feel really tired”) and then let each one float off and out of your awareness. Take your time with this for a few minutes. (Pause)

3. Gently let your eyes open.


QUIETING THE NERVOUS SYSTEM

PURPOSE: This grounding exercise is effective for reducing anxiety, preventing panic, and interrupting or recovering from dissociation.

INSTRUCTIONS: This is best learned with a support person guiding you at first. Then you can practice it on your own, perhaps saying what you notice out loud at first until you can easily remember and guide yourself silently in your own mind.

Notice and name out loud what you are currently sensing in the moment:

Five

• Name five things you see (“I see the lamp, I see the window,” etc.) (Pause)

• Name five things you hear (“I hear the fan, I hear my voice, I still hear the fan,” etc.) (Pause)

• Name five things you sense or feel (“I feel my shirt on my arm, I feel my shoes, I feel the pillow,” etc.) (Pause)

Four

• Now name four things you see (Pause)

• Name four things you hear (Pause)

• Name four things you sense or feel (Pause)

Three

• Now name three things you see (Pause)

• Name three things you hear (Pause)

• Name three things you sense or feel (Pause)

Two

• Now name two things you see (Pause)

• Name two things you hear (Pause)

• Name two things you sense or feel (Pause)

One

• Now name one thing you see (Pause)

• Name one thing you hear (Pause)

• Name one thing you sense or feel (Pause)

• Bring your attention back to your breath and body and notice how you feel now.


FINDING MY CENTRE: ANCHORING AND RESOURCING

PURPOSE: This activity will help you establish a point of reference for resourcing. This means connecting to a felt sense ofstability, being settled, or feeling less helpless or less shaky. One way to do this is by exploring balance and a sense of being centred. This is like an anchor point that will help you feel connected to a stable support.

INSTRUCTIONS: Choose a comfortable position, either sitting or standing, where your spine is upright and you feel supported on a stable surface. Place your feet parallel to each other, shoulder-width apart, and follow the steps below to make intentional, gentle movements to explore and find your centre point where you feel the most balanced.

1. Begin by gently rocking slightly forward and backward, noticing the point at which it feels you could tip, without pushing past that point. (Pause)

2. Continue by gently rocking from side to side, from your left foot to right foot; you may choose to experiment with circular movements as well. You may focus on a place about two inches below your navel and toward your spine. Allow yourself to engage the muscles around the centre of your body. (Pause)

3. Choose one direction to explore further, and deliberately slow your movements down. Continue moving back and forth, noticing how your abdominal muscles contract and engage to hold you upright. Notice the strength in your core that keeps your posture stable. (Pause)

4. See if you can tune in to a sensation of balance, comfort, or solidity. Take a few moments to allow your awareness to really absorb this sensation. You may feel a letting go across your shoulders and upper back – let the weight of any stress fall off of you. Allow your neck to lift your head a little, feeling your spine getting longer. Bring your awareness to your breath for a few more moments.


ROOTING TO THE GROUND: BREATH VISUALIZATION

PURPOSE: When you are feeling distressed or overwhelmed, visualization can help you find a sense of stability or groundedness. This activity combines guided imagery and breathing to help you feel more settled and secure.

INSTRUCTIONS: Ask your counsellor or a trusted support person to lead you in this activity while you relax and follow their guidance. You may choose to have them read it aloud in a calming voice or record it to be played back whenever you wish. Feel free to adapt the language if any words or phrases do not fit for you.

1. Sit or lie in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths to begin. (Pause)

2. Bring your attention to your breath. Use your awareness to ride your inhalation and follow it as it turns around to your exhalation. As you breathe in, visualize it as energy, light, particles, or a colour. (Pause)

3. Continue to follow your breath and visualize how it moves through your body. You might track it along your arms, down your torso, down your legs, and finally all the way down to your feet. Visualize it strengthening, thickening, and becoming more solid. (Pause)

4. As you continue to breathe normally, follow your inhalation and see the energy, light, particles, or colour flow all the way through your body, strengthening as it goes, through your feet and into the ground below you. Visualize this energy like roots, anchoring you and holding you solid and firm. (Pause)

5. Notice how it feels for your entire body to be rooted to the earth.


TECHNIQUES FOR EMBODYING RESOURCES 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Mindfulness practice includes observing our experiences and resourcing. This means connecting to a felt sense of stability, being settled, or feeling less helpless or less shaky. The following activities can be helpful in developing these skills of observing and resourcing, with a focus on your body.

INSTRUCTIONS: Practice the following activities regularly, at times when you are not stressed, so they will be easier to do when you are under stress.

Grounding

1. In a seated position, place your feet flat on the floor.

2. Gently push your feet into the floor, just enough to engage your muscles and feel the strength of your legs.

Centring

1. Stand up and gently rock forward and backward in order to find that centred point where you are the most balanced.

2. Try moving from side to side, then in gentle circles, finding that centre point where you are naturally balanced.

Breathing

1. Differentiate between belly and chest breathing, emphasizing how the muscle relaxes in order to let air out.

2. Focus on your breathing, allowing your breath to gradually get deeper, expanding your stomach, sides, and back. Gradually allow your exhalations to lengthen, maintaining focus to the end of the exhalation.

3. Try adding a mantra, such as “I am here now,” “I breathe in safety,” or “I breathe out what I no longer need.”

Orienting

1. Really look at the space around you. Turn your head slowly all the way to the right, allowing your shoulders to turn too so that you can even look behind you.

2. Slowly turn your head all the way to the left, allowing your shoulders to turn so that you can really look behind and around you. Notice how you feel inside after seeing the space that you’re in.

3. Scan through your body to find an area that feels okay, or even just a little bit okay. This might be your toes, or maybe just your baby toe; it might be the tip of your nose. Then ask yourself, “Is it okay if we just hang out here a little bit?”

Touching

1. Place your right hand on your chest, and (optionally) your left hand on your stomach. Notice the weight of your hands on your body and whether they are warm or cool. Consider what it is like for you to have your hands on your chest and your stomach.

2. Place your right hand against the left side of your rib cage, close to your heart, and your left hand on the upper right arm. Notice the feeling of being held, of feeling this outside boundary between you and the air.

3. Use both your hands to pat the outside of your body, really feeling this boundary of where your skin, this outside surface of your body, separates your inside from what’s around you.


Using Resistance

1. Using resistance and pressure can be effective for increasing a sense of solidity and presence.

2. In a seated position, place your hands on the outside of your knees. Now push your knees toward each other with your hands and actively resist with your legs.

3. Place your right hand on the inside of your left knee and place your left hand on the inside of your right knee. Now use your arms to push your legs apart while actively resisting with your legs.

4. Push against a wall or hold a pillow on your lap and push against it.

Vibration of Sound

1. Take in a breath and, on the exhalation, very slowly release the air with an extended “ohm” sound. Really notice the vibration of your own voice in your body. As a variation, chant, “I am here.”

Walking Meditation

1. Plan a short route to walk outside or intentionally take slow paces back and forth across a room or down a hallway.

2. Walk slowly and practice using your awareness to notice the sensations in your feet and legs. Feel the bottom of your feet as they make contact with the ground.

3. Notice which muscles in your legs flex and let go as you take each step. Practice this every day.

Interaction with Another Person

1. Toss a ball back and forth, playfully experimenting with different ways to throw and catch.

2. Each person takes one corner of a blanket or scarf and gently pulls, feeling the connection. Notice whether this decreases or increases energy levels, and whether it feels helpful or unhelpful.

TECHNIQUES FOR EMBODYING RESOURCES 2 of 2


LEARNING THE LANGUAGE OF THE BODY

PURPOSE: Tuning in to your physical sensations can help you settle yourself and feel a sense of stability.

INSTRUCTIONS: Try the strategies below to enhance your sensory awareness.

Absorbing SensationsChoose one sense and deeply immerse yourself in it – absorb it.

• Sight: Watch a sunset. Gaze at clouds. Look at a favourite picture.

• Sound: Listen to music with your eyes closed. Notice all that you hear right now.

• Smell: Track the sensation of breathing in a pleasant aroma. Notice how the rest of your body reacts while connecting with different smells.

• Touch: Give your own arm a massage. Notice the feeling of grass under your feet. Run cool water over your wrists. Drink tea. Feel the sensation of support a chair provides while sitting.

• Taste: Slow down and take in all the sensations of tasting. Try to describe sensations like sour, sweet, or tangy, rather than naming the item you are tasting.

Expand and deepen this experience by asking yourself:

• Where do I feel this sensation in my body?

• What other qualities can I describe about this sensation?

Take your time and imagine really letting this sensation soak into you or occupy more of your awareness.


EXPLORING THE INTERNAL SENSE: BODY SCAN

PURPOSE: We are often unaware of where we carry tension in our bodies. This exercise will help you to locate your places of tension and relax both physically and mentally.

INSTRUCTIONS: Ask your counsellor or a trusted support person to lead you in this activity while you relax and follow their guidance. You may choose to have them read it aloud in a calming voice or record it to be played back whenever you wish. Feel free to adapt the language if any words or phrases do not fit for you. Sit or lie in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths before you begin.

1. Take a moment to find your attention and bring it to where you are at this moment. Take your time to shift your position so that you are as comfortable as possible. (Pause)

2. Bring your attention down to the bottom of your feet. Let your awareness take in the sensations of your feet against the ground. Allow yourself to be curious about the sensations of the different parts of your feet: your heels, your arches, and your toes. (Pause)

3. Bring your awareness up into your ankles and lower legs, just being curious about any sensations there and not trying to change anything. Allow your attention to take in the sensations of how your legs connect to your ankles, and then how your legs connect to your knees. Notice the back, sides, and front of your knee joints. (Pause)

4. Continue to bring your awareness up your legs, exploring the sensations in your upper legs and noting the sensation of how your thighs connect to your hips. Allow your awareness to take in the support of the surface under you, beneath your hips and buttocks. Allow yourself to be curious about any sensation in your lower torso and pelvic area. Bring your attention around to your abdomen, letting your awareness take in the sensations happening in your belly area. (Pause)

5. Bring your awareness up and around to your lower and upper back, sensing into your ribcage and then letting your attention come around to your chest area. Not worrying about changing anything, you may become aware of your breath and feel how it moves through you. Let your attention tune in to your shoulders and sense how they connect to your arms. (Pause)

6. Allow your awareness to slowly move down your arms, sensing into your upper arms, elbows, lower arms, down into your wrists and hands. You may take some time to get curious about each finger, how they each connect with your palm, and feel for any energy that may be there. (Pause)

7. Bring your awareness back up your arms and shoulders, into your neck. Notice how your head rests on your neck. Allow yourself to notice any sensations in your jaw, just being curious and not trying to change anything. Allow your awareness to take in the sensations up the back of your neck, perhaps sensing into your hair and the top of your head. Allow your awareness to explore your face: forehead, temples, ears, cheeks, eyes, nose, and mouth. Be curious about all the small muscles and connections that happen there. (Pause)

8. Finally, allow your awareness to take in your whole body, from your toes to the top of your head, sensing how everything is interconnected. Take a few moments to rest in this awareness. When you are ready, open or focus your eyes.


THE STRANGENESS OF BEING STILL

PURPOSE: Most of the time we are practicing the opposite of mindfulness, getting caught by automatic reactions, emotions, and opinions, and reacting in habitual ways. With mindfulness, we can practice dropping into those in-between moments before we react to situations to improve our ability to choose a response.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the instructions below to practice being still.

Find Your AttentionBy becoming aware of your attention, you can better focus it intentionally. Take a moment and bring your attention to right here, right now. Explore your intention by entering into this activity with a spirit of curiosity and exploration, without trying to accomplish anything in particular.

SpaceChoose a location that is comfortable and free from distraction.

TimeChoose a time when you are free to let go of obligations and your schedule; it can be as short as a few minutes.

PostureThere is no “right” way to position yourself. You can stand, sit, lie down, or walk. Right now, find a comfortable posture that allows your back to be upright; this will help you stay alert and feel at ease.

EyesYour eyes can be open or closed, whichever you prefer. You might experiment with closing your eyes or gazing at a neutral spot.

FocusUse an external focus of sound, such as a soft bell. With your attention, first tune in to what you hear in the room and just allow the sounds to come to your ears. When you begin to hear the bell, notice what it is like to simply focus on the sound. Try to keep your attention on the sound until the bell stops ringing.

When you notice that your mind has wandered (which will happen repeatedly), simply note what is on your mind at the moment without judgement or worry and gently bring your attention back to the sound. When the sound of the bell ends, notice the silence afterward.


CALMING AND SETTLING: FORWARD FOLD

PURPOSE: Using relaxing movement activities provides an excellent way to shift into a calm-yet-energized state. This activity is most beneficial if done after other more active exercises.

INSTRUCTIONS: While either sitting or standing, spread your feet a little farther apart than the width of your shoulders or hips. Allow your spine to gently release your chin forward and let your shoulders and upper body fold forward. You have many options for how far you fold, so experiment with what feels best for you:

• You may simply allow your forearms to rest on your thighs, or, if you are standing, your head may tilt forward slightly while your arms hang free in front of you.

• You may choose to allow your body to fold more at the waist, letting your fingertips go closer to the floor or bringing one hand to the opposite elbow and allowing that arm to hang freely.

Once you have found a position that works for you, practice your seated forward fold using the following steps:

1. Try gently shaking your head a little, side to side or up and down, exploring how your neck muscles are able to let go slightly.

2. Move your jaw up and down gently or from side to side, exploring whether these muscles release slightly. If it is comfortable, allow yourself to stay in this position for about 10–20 seconds, breathing easily and allowing any further release of the muscles.

3. When you are ready, slowly and gently uncurl your back, allowing your arms and head to follow as if pulled up by a string. Come back to an upright position.

Note: Adding a breathing exercise at the beginning or end can aid in focusing attention.


FULLY RELAXING

PURPOSE: It can be challenging to relax when you have been experiencing stress. This relaxation position is most helpful if done after other more active exercises. It allows the body to come back to a fully relaxed state and enables us to completely release any tension that may have resulted from prior movement or activities.

INSTRUCTIONS: After completing other exercises, give yourself permission to be completely still and calm, and to do absolutely nothing. Then use the steps below to fully relax.

1. Lie down either on the floor or on a stable surface. Find a position in which you are comfortable, fully supported, and don’t have to hold any part of your body up.

2. Spend several minutes either in silence, perhaps following your natural breath or listening to soft music. Allow your focus to remain gentle and unstrained.

3. Allow your breath to slow down and your body to relax as deeply as possible.

4. When you are ready to sit up, start by wiggling your fingers and toes; stretch and yawn, then turn on your right side. Sit up slowly and take a few deep breaths. Continue with your day, keeping this sense of stillness inside you.


SKILLFUL SOOTHING

PURPOSE: When experiencing the heightened physiological arousal that accompanies distress, using our senses to soothe can be another good way to distract and help settle our nervous system. The aim is to intentionally use the five senses to soothe yourself.

INSTRUCTIONS: Find what is most soothing for you for each of the five senses.

Sight: Look at soothing images, cards, photographs, or messages of encouragement. Find one small, beautiful thing to gaze at. Watch the clouds or the stars. Take a walk and look at nature or buildings. Others:

Sound: Listen to music or sounds from nature like waves or falling rain. Make a playlist of music that you find soothing or that makes you smile; listen, hum, or sing along.Others:

Smell: Engage your sense of smell by activating your favourite scents. Use your favourite bath products, light a candle, cook or bake a food you enjoy, or take a nature walk.Others:

Taste: Taste one small thing (not too much) and try to focus on it. Drink tea or eat a candy, chocolate, or strong mint. Eat one special food mindfully.Others:

Touch: Brush your hair, use a back scratcher, apply lotion, lie under a soft or weighted blanket, use tactile toys, or play with a small, smooth stone or string of beads. Hug someone or pet your dog or cat.Others:


WARM WATER WASH VISUALIZATION

PURPOSE: This visualization uses the imagination to calm those parts of yourself that are on high alert and strengthen regions of the brain that reduce stress and worry.

INSTRUCTIONS: Ask your counsellor or a trusted support person to lead you in this activity while you relax and follow their guidance. You may choose to have them read it aloud in a calming voice or record it to be played back whenever you wish. Feel free to adapt the language if any words or phrases do not fit for you. Sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths before you begin.

1. Notice how your body connects to whatever you are sitting on. (Pause)

2. Notice your whole body and the energy that is moving through it. Don’t judge it, just notice it. (Pause)

3. Also notice the energy in your mind, chest, stomach, everywhere. Notice where you feel tense, negative, or scattered. Just pay attention for a few moments. (Pause)

4. Now imagine a warm, welcoming bucket of healing water above your head. Imagine it slowly – very slowly – being poured over your head. Imagine it slowly washing over your head, then your forehead, pushing out the negative energy. It’s flowing down your body and out the bottom of your feet into the ground. (Pause)

5. Feel the energy in your head, forehead, cheeks, face, back of head, back of neck, slowly relaxing and feeling positive. (Briefly pause for each of the body parts)

6. Notice the water washing over your shoulders, upper arms, elbows, forearms, hands, and fingers. (Briefly pause for each of the body parts)

7. Each of those areas is now fully relaxed, with all the negative energy flowing out the bottoms of your feet. You may notice your feet begin to feel heavy as the negative and scattered energy leaves through the ground. (Pause)

8. Now repeat this rhythm, imagining the water slowly washing over the chest, upper and lower back, stomach, hips, thighs, knees, shins, and ankles. As you do this, the water washes away and replaces negative energy. (Briefly pause for each of the body parts)

9. Finally, feel your feet and toes empty the remaining negative energy into the ground. Your feet are now becoming very relaxed. Notice yourself feeling and being relaxed; notice your presence with your body. (Pause)

10. Take a few moments to just sit and be aware of the moment. (Pause)

11. When you are ready, bring your awareness back to the room. Start to slightly wiggle your fingers, feet, and body. Open your eyes and notice the room while holding on to the feeling of being relaxed, calm, and positive.


TRANSFORMATION VISUALIZATION

PURPOSE: Visualization harnesses the power of your imagination to reduce stress and expand your awareness to new possibilities and choices. This exercise focuses on transforming your experience and sense of self.


1. Imagine a caterpillar. You can watch it crawling about on the tree where it lives. Attaching itself to a branch of the tree, the caterpillar starts to form its cocoon. Gradually it surrounds itself with golden, silken threads until it is totally hidden. Observe the cocoon for a few moments. (Pause)

2. Now you are inside the cocoon, surrounded by the softness of silk. You rest in the warmth of the golden darkness. You are only dimly aware of what’s happening to you, but you sense that in this apparent stillness a hidden, transforming intelligence is at work. (Pause)

3. At last, your cocoon breaks open, and a ray of light penetrates through. As the light touches you, you feel a sudden surge of vitality and realize that you can shed the cocoon. (Pause)

4. As you feel the cocoon falling away, you discover that with it you have shed the defences and supports of your past. You are now freer than you ever dreamed you could be. You are a beautiful, multicoloured butterfly. You soon realize that your boundaries have extended infinitely. You can fly, and you find yourself dwelling in a totally new realm of colours, sounds, and open space. You are flying, supported by the air and gently lifted by the breeze, gliding down, and flying up again. (Pause)

5. Below, you see an immense meadow full of flowers of every kind and colour. You settle on one, then on another, then on another still – so gently that the petals are not even disturbed. You experience each flower as a different being with its own colour and perfume, its own particular life and quality. (Pause)

6. Take your time in experiencing the many aspects of your expansion, your freedom, and your lightness.


USING IMAGINATION: MOUNTAIN MEDITATION

PURPOSE: Using the power of imagination to create a sensation-rich experience of a calm, settled state can deepen feelings of strength, openness, and stability in the body.

INSTRUCTIONS: Ask your counsellor or a trusted support person to lead you in this activity while you relax and follow their guidance. You may choose to have them read it aloud in a calming voice or record it to be played back whenever you wish. Feel free to adapt the language if any words or phrases do not fit for you. Note that you can use any image from nature, such as a river, lake, or grassy meadow. Sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths before you begin.

1. Start by sensing the support you have from the chair or whatever you’re sitting on, paying attention to the actual sensations of contact. Find a position of stability and poise, with your upper body balanced over your hips and shoulders in a comfortable but alert posture, hands on your lap or your knees, arms hanging by their own weight, like heavy curtains, stable and relaxed. Take a moment to connect to your breath. (Pause)

2. As you breathe, let an image form in your mind’s eye of the most magnificent or beautiful mountain you have ever seen. Let it gradually come into greater focus and allow the sense of this mountain to emerge – its overall shape, its lofty peak or peaks high in the sky, the large base rooted in the bedrock of the earth’s crust, its steep or gently sloping sides. (Pause)

3. Notice how massive it is, how solid, how unmoving, how beautiful, whether from afar or up close. Perhaps your mountain has snow blanketing its top and trees reaching down to the base, or rugged granite sides. There may be streams and waterfalls cascading down the slopes. It may have one peak or a series of peaks, or meadows and high lakes. (Pause)

4. Observe and note its qualities and, when you feel ready, bring the image of this mountain into your own body, so that your body and the mountain in your mind’s eye become one. You share in the massiveness, stillness, and majesty of the mountain; you become the mountain. (Pause)

5. Grounded in your posture, your head becomes the lofty peak, supported by the rest of your body and affording a panoramic view. Your shoulders and arms are the sides of the mountain. Your buttocks and legs are the solid base, rooted to your chair or the floor, sensing the overall solidity through your pelvis and spine. (Pause)

6. With each breath, you become a breathing mountain, alive and vital, yet unwavering in your inner stillness, completely what you are. Beyond, across the sky, the light and shadows and colours are changing virtually moment by moment in the mountain’s stillness, and the surface teems with life and activity. There are streams, fields of melting snow, waterfalls, plants, and wild animals, the bright, warming sun followed by the cool night sky studded with stars and the gradual dawning of a new day. There may be rain, clouds, winds, or even snow. Through it all, the mountain just sits, experiencing change in each moment, constantly changing, yet always itself. It remains still as the seasons flow into one another and as the weather changes moment by moment and day by day.


MY SPECIAL PLACE

PURPOSE: We use visualization every day. Before you head off to the park or beach, you may have an image of the place in your mind. Or you may daydream about a beautiful place you want to go for vacation. These images usually put us in a positive mood and create feelings of relaxation. Visualization exercises can have the same effect.


1. Close your eyes, let your body relax, and take a deep breath. (Pause)

2. Allow yourself to let go of stress, any stress – relax. (Pause)

3. Take another deep breath and keep moving deeper inside yourself. (Pause)

4. Don’t force anything – just be still and remember to breathe and relax. (Pause)

5. Keep your focus within yourself, moving deeper inside. (Pause)

6. Let any thoughts just drift away like clouds in the sky. When you catch yourself engaged in a thought, just take a deep breath and allow yourself to come back to your centre. (Pause)

7. Visualize a path in front of you and follow it. Take your time and notice what is around you. (Pause)

8. Take a deep breath and smell the air. Look at the flowers and listen to the birds. Look up at the sky and notice the clouds. (Pause)

9. As you continue down the path, you see a beautiful waterfall. Watch the rainbows shimmering off the water. Once you reach the water’s edge, trail your hand through it. (Pause)

10. Feel the earth under you. (Pause)

11. This is your special place. No one else can come here without your permission. (Pause)

12. Make this place your very own. Make it the most peaceful, safe place you can imagine. (Pause)

13. Whenever you need to be quiet and alone, come back to this place – any time you need to be quiet and alone. (Pause)

14. When you are ready, say goodbye to your sacred place for now – take as long as you need. (Pause)

15. Begin walking back up the path. Take your time and notice what is around you. (Pause)

16. Take a deep breath and smell the air. Say farewell to the flowers and birds. (Pause)

17. Look up at the sky and notice the clouds. (Pause)

18. Slowly return to the room you are in. (Pause)

19. Enter very slowly and very gently, feeling completely refreshed and totally relaxed.


MY OWN VISUALIZATION

PURPOSE: Visualizing a place that is meaningful to you will enhance the healing power of your imagination.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think of a place in this world that makes you feel comfortable, safe, and happy. Then ask yourself the following questions to create your own visualization.

If you were there:

• What would you see?

• What would you hear?

• What would you smell?

• What would you feel?

• What would you be thinking about?

Draw a picture of a place in this world that would give you a sense of peace and comfort. What would be in this place? What colours would surround you? Would there be other people in your special place?


Emotional distress is a common reason for people to seek counselling; it may even be the thread that runs through all counselling situations. People are often overwhelmed by their emotions and feel that they are at their mercy. However, the reality may be that many people have become disconnected from their emotions.

As we have come to understand the connections between our physical and psychological responses to stress, we have recognized that emotional regulation is key to recovery and wellness. Our goal is to aid people to find a place where emotions can be both felt and managed, without causing people to be either disconnected or overwhelmed.

People often characterize emotions as “good” or “bad.” By labelling emotions in this way, they may judge themselves for feeling certain emotions (for example, “It’s bad to be angry, therefore I am bad”) or compound a stressful emotion by fearing or resisting it, such as when one becomes anxious about anxiety. This language of positive and negative emotions can also find its way into counselling. It is important to avoid labelling the emotion itself, but rather to focus on assisting the person to name what they are feeling, comfort themselves, and choose productive responses to their emotions.

The activities in this section will help people identify and manage emotions that they have found troublesome or difficult to access.

WHEN TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESThese activities are most useful for people who are calm and settled in the moment as they are better able to discuss and explore their emotions when in a relaxed state. People experiencing more overwhelming emotional states will benefit most from exercises in the Breathing and Mindfulness and Calming sections of this workbook, such as grounding and soothing activities. Use the activities in this section as follows:

• To help people recognize and name their emotions Use the Recognizing Anxiety Worksheet; Feelings and Needs Log; Resource Emotion List; and Create an Emoji.

EMOTIONS


• For helping people understand their emotions Use Understanding My Emotions; Myths About Emotions; and Understanding My Emotional Sensitivity.

• To help someone manage their emotions Use Coping With Emotions; Using Emotions Well; Skills for Distraction; Anger Identification and Regulation; and the Pendulation Activity.


• Facilitate a sense of relative safety:

о Maintain a sense of calm, grounded openness in yourself.

о Be honest and accurate with the information you provide.

о Respect each person’s unique experience and way of being.

о Bring a trauma-informed, compassionate lens to understand how a person is feeling or behaving.

• It is sometimes easier for people to begin at a cognitive level. For people who have difficulty naming emotions, the Resource Emotion List and Create an Emoji activities may assist them to find the necessary language to describe their feelings.

• The Pendulation Activity requires two people. It can be done in a counselling session or assigned as homework. If assigning an activity as homework, discuss it with the person first and ensure they have what they need to get the most out of it.


RECOGNIZING ANXIETY WORKSHEET

Purpose: Recognizing how anxiety affects the body is an important part of helping you manage your anxiety symptoms. This worksheet will help you connect your feelings of anxiety with your physical sensations, thoughts, and urges.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the steps below to identify how and where you feel anxiety in your body and reflect on which thoughts or actions you experience that either escalate your anxiety or calm it.

1. Which words best describe how anxiety feels in your body?

Cold Dizzy Headache

Nauseated Racing Heart Sweaty

Tight Tingly Other:

2. Where do you feel anxiety? Put an X to show the areas of your body that are most affected.

3. What thoughts and/or actions escalate your anxiety?

• Thoughts:

• Actions:

4. What thoughts and/or actions calm your anxiety?

• Thoughts:

• Actions:


FEELINGS AND NEEDS LOG

PURPOSE: When we know what our feelings are telling us and take care of them, we become unstuck, and our feelings begin to shift and move.

INSTRUCTIONS: The following two exercises are best done at a quiet time of the day so you can reflect on the times when you are more stressed. As you get better at doing these exercises during the calm times, you will find yourself doing them automatically in the stressed ones.

1. This first exercise starts with your emotion and connects it to your body state, identifying your underlying need.

• When I feel , what I notice about my body is ,

and I need .


and I need .


and I need .


and I need .

2. The second exercise starts with your body state and works through the closest emotion, action impulse, and underlying need.

What I notice in my body is…

The closest emotion is…

My impulse is to…

What I actually need is…


RESOURCE EMOTION LIST

PURPOSE: At times, people can ruminate on the experience of an emotion without being able to identify it. The emotion list can be used to assist you in naming your experiences to better understand and address them.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the list below to help you describe how you are feeling. Circle the words that best describe how you are feeling right now. Then answer the reflection questions.

Mad Sad Happy Fearful Disgusted Surprised

Aggressive Abandoned Accepted Alienated Aversion Amazed

Angry Ashamed Amused Anxious Avoidance Ambivalent

Annoyed Bored Confident Avoidant Awful Awestruck

Bitter Depressed Courageous Disrespected Bored Bewildered

Critical Despair Ecstatic Embarrassed Contempt Confused

Distant Empty Independent Humiliated Detestable Disillusioned

Frustrated Forlorn Inquisitive Inadequate Disappointed Dismayed

Hostile Grief Inspired Inferior Disapproval Disturbed

Humiliated Guilty Joyful Insecure Embarrassed Eager

Insecure Ignored Liberated Insignificant Hesitant Energetic

Irritated Indifferent Loving Overwhelmed Judgemental Excited

Jealous Inferior Open Panic Loathing Frustrated

Let down Isolated Optimistic Rejected Remorseful Jolted

Provoked Lonely Peaceful Ridiculed Repulsion Perplexed

Rage Pensiveness Playful Scared Revulsion Scared

Ridiculed Powerless Positive Submissive Shame Shocked

Suspicious Remorseful Powerful Terrified Sorrowful Startled

Violated Victimized Proud Worried Worried Unsettled

Withdrawn Vulnerable Respected Worthless Worthless Unsure


1. What changes for you when you are able to put a name to your feeling?

2. After looking at this list, can you think of other words that fit for you?


CREATE AN EMOJI

PURPOSE: Sometimes it can be easier to express your emotions in pictures rather than words. This activity will guide you to create visual images that will help you identify a range of emotions.

INSTRUCTIONS: Create an emoji (a simple image) depicting any or all of the emotions listed below. You are free to add to the list of emotions.


1. What was it like to create your emojis?

2. How could you use your emojis to communicate your feelings to other people?

Panic Surprise Love

Disgust Pride Boredom

Worry Courage Other:


UNDERSTANDING MY EMOTIONS

PURPOSE: This exercise can help you to recognize thoughts, sensations, and behaviours that accompany your emotions and identify productive actions to take.

INSTRUCTIONS: Choose an emotion you’re feeling right now, and then use the questions in the sequence below to reflect on how you are feeling right now.

What is the name of your emotion? Write it on the first part of the diagram, and then write your answers to each question in the sequence.

Examples: Anger Disgust Fear Interest Other: Joy Shame Sorrow Surprise

YOUR EMOTION

What is your body language, including

posture, facial expression, and

more.

What do you feel like doing?

(action urge)

What was happening when

you started to feel this way?

What sensations do you notice in your

body?

What would happen if you acted on

your urge?

What thoughts were you having?

What are you currently thinking about this feeling?

What would be a better action

to take?


MYTHS ABOUT EMOTIONS

PURPOSE: Common myths about emotions may influence your ability to own and manage your emotions. This activity will help you challenge some of these common myths.

INSTRUCTIONS: Read the statements below and add any other myths you have heard. For each statement, consider:

• Do I tend to believe this is true?

• If yes, where did I learn this?

• What about this myth is not true?

• What might feed this myth?

• How could you counter this myth? Write your counterstatements in the space below.

Myth Counterstatement

My emotions are not important.

Being emotional is the same as being out of control.

Some emotions are negative or bad.

Women should not be angry.

Men should not be sad.

Talking about feelings is a sign of weakness.

Emotions are not to be trusted.

I would feel differently if I tried harder.

Others: What are your personal myths?


UNDERSTANDING MY EMOTIONAL SENSITIVITY 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Having highly sensitive emotional reactions makes it a challenge to maintain balance. This assessment is designed to get you thinking about your ability to manage your emotions.

INSTRUCTIONS: Below is a series of statements. Rate them on a scale of 0–5 depending on the degree to which each statement is true for you.

0 = Not true at all about me 5 = Very true about me

a. If I have a disagreement with someone, I forget about it pretty quickly.

b. Sometimes when I’m mad, I’ll do something that I know won’t improve the situation because I want the other person to know how mad I am.

c. I’m perplexed by people who let their emotions control them.

d. If someone drives poorly or gives me the finger, I usually shake it off easily without even really thinking about it.

e. When something really tragic happens in my life, it inhibits my ability to operate at full capacity for a few months or more.

f. I believe things will work out anyway, so it’s sometimes a little difficult to stay motivated.

g. If I get bad food or service at a restaurant, it can ruin the night for me.

h. I’m never upset for long.

i. If I’m at a party and I do something to embarrass myself, I soon forget about it.

SCORINGWrite your answers in the corresponding boxes below. Add the rows, and then subtract the Row B total from the Row A total to get your score.

Row Aa c d f h i Total:

A – B =

Row Bb e g Total:


INTERPRETING YOUR RESULTSThis is not the “truth” about you, but it can get you thinking about how you manage your emotions. Scores can range from -15 to 30, with a midpoint of 7.5. Scores from 10 to 22 are common.

• -15 to -5: High sensitivity. Emotions feel big – a lot. Emotions may feel overwhelming for you at times. You may feel as though your emotions dictate your actions and mood states. Emotional coping skills could be very helpful. Try asking three or four people in your life about your ability to manage your emotions, and then learn and try some emotional management techniques depending on their answers.

• -4 to 10: Medium sensitivity. Emotions feel big – sometimes. You may notice some emotions are bigger than others. Do you know which ones? New techniques for managing your emotions could be useful.

• 11 to 20: Moderate sensitivity. Emotions feel manageable. Emotions don’t seem to bother you too much. You may also have some good coping skills.

• 21 to 30: Controlled sensitivity. Emotions have little impact on you. -You may not have a lot of emotional reactivity, or you may have developed some effective emotion-regulation skills.

UNDERSTANDING MY EMOTIONAL SENSITIVITY 2 of 2


COPING WITH EMOTIONS

PURPOSE: This worksheet can be used to help you understand that emotions are part of the human experience. You can use it to identify what your emotions are and generate ideas about what you could do to cope with your emotions without engaging in problematic coping strategies.

INSTRUCTIONS: Look at the word list and select the emotions that are triggering and lead to problematic coping. Then come up with alternative coping strategies to help you deal with the emotion.

Tips• Remember that emotions are universal, and they are neither good nor bad.• Problem-solve to find strategies to work through the emotion. See the list and examples below and

talk to a trusted support person to help you come up with other ideas.

Emotions List Afraid Enraged Humiliated Loving Other:

Anxious Grateful Hurt Remorseful

Disgusted Guilty Joyful Sad

Embarrassed Happy Lonely Shamed

COPING STRATEGY EXAMPLES

Physical• Go for a walk• Do breathing

exercises

Reflective• Meditate• Write in a journal

Relational• Call a friend• Write a letter

PROBLEM SOLVING

Emotion Coping strategy


USING EMOTIONS WELL 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Being able to tune in to our emotions, to feel, be curious about, and put expression to them, helps us to focus our attention on what we really need in the moment.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the steps below to reflect on your emotions and how you can use them in a way that’s beneficial to your well-being.

1. Think about the emotions that arise when you consider your level of stress and wellness. What do you notice in the following areas?

• Body sensations: What do you notice in your gut, breath, muscles, or other areas?

• Thoughts: As you tune in to your specific sensations, are there repetitive thoughts that course through your mind? Do rigid beliefs show up? Are there predictions or conclusions?

• Action urges: Do you notice any urges to flee, tighten up, collapse, lash out or in, or push away? Is there an urge to express the emotion by crying, speaking, moving, writing, or resting?

2. Consider what you know about the history of your emotional patterns. Is there residual pain, trauma, or intergenerational suffering that you carry? What kind of emotional coping have you been taught? What can you appreciate about your emotional experiences?

3. Bring in self-kindness. This is not about feeling sorry for oneself or making shallow excuses to give ourselves treats. This is built on full honesty with ourselves and expanding our respect for our true fears, strengths, vulnerabilities, and dreams.

BODY SENSATIONS

THOUGHTSACTION URGES


4. Follow your compass wisely. Consider what your emotions are alerting you to and what steps are needed. If we attend non-anxiously to our emotions, they will move and guide us. Here are some possible needs emotions can be drawing attention to:

• Acknowledgement of the impact of an experience: For example, loss, regret, anger, disappointment, hopefulness, or gratitude.

• Information or action from someone else: Are you waiting or longing for something from someone? Can you ask for what you need?

• Stronger boundaries: Do you need to adjust your expectations of someone or request they adjust their expectations of you?

• Resolution of a conflict: Have you felt wronged, misunderstood, or mistreated in some way? Do you need to express yourself?

• Decisions that need to be made.

• Support around something you are going through: Are you feeling alone and overwhelmed with a task or situation? Can you ask for help?

5. Be open to experiencing difficult emotions. Emotions are not “good” or “bad,” but we all know some are more welcome while others are much more painful and difficult to have around. A key skill is to be able to stay rooted in awareness and self-kindness even when feeling and listening to more challenging emotions. Common ones are guilt, grief, shame, disgust, regret, anger, and, for some, joy and hopefulness. Which emotions are difficult for you?

USING EMOTIONS WELL 2 of 2


SKILLS FOR DISTRACTION

PURPOSE: Often what feeds distress is the constant thinking we engage in about the source of the distress. When emotions are high, it can feel like we can’t shut our brains down or stop the rumination. Distraction can be very useful to reduce our distress in the moment. However, when distraction becomes avoidance, it is no longer skillful.

INSTRUCTIONS: Practice and reflect on the distraction techniques you use when your emotions are high.

Distraction techniques will be unique for each individual:

• Scrolling through social media or websites

• Colouring

• Doing a puzzle

• Calling a friend

• Watching a funny or scary movie

• Playing games

• Being with pets or loved ones

• Doing something for someone else

What other forms of distraction have you found useful?

Have you used any of your distraction techniques as a way to avoid something? How can the skill of distraction be misused?


ANGER IDENTIFICATION AND REGULATION

PURPOSE: Anger can sometimes feel as if it comes on without warning. This exercise will help you identify your own early signs of anger so you can regulate it better.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the steps below to identify your early warning signs for anger and practice self-soothing techniques.

Identify the severity of your anger using this scale.

The anger scale

What are the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that typically accompany different levels of anger for you?

Thoughts Feelings Behaviours

1–3

4–6

7–9

10

Next StepsPractice self-soothing strategies such as time-outs, breathing, physical exercise, and calming self-talk. Use these to correct distorted thinking, bring down your anger levels and maintain a flexible space where you can communicate your needs, thoughts, and feelings. This is an emotional state where you can hear the other person and make choices to behave in ways that align with your goals.

At this level you are starting to feel agitated and bothered. You can still think rationally and communicate well.

12

34

56

78

910

At this level you are starting to feel agitated and bothered. You can still think rationally

and communicate well.

At this level your anger is affecting your thinking

and you can’t listen well. It is difficult to express

yourself well.

At this level you can no longer think rationally. Your anger comes out in violent behaviour.


PENDULATION ACTIVITY

PURPOSE: This activity can be used to help you notice how emotional responses manifest in the body. Sometimes you may feel disconnected from your body. When you feel distressed, it can be useful to promote an awareness of calmness, safety, and self-soothing.

INSTRUCTIONS: This activity requires someone to read the script to you in a slow, calm voice while you relax. You may also choose to record it to play back any time. Find a comfortable seated position with your feet on the ground. Listen for when you can notice safety within your body, and feel free to adapt the language if any words or phrases do not fit for you.

1. Move into a comfortable position with your feet on the floor. Take a few breaths, noticing how each inhalation and exhalation feel. (Pause)

2. Take your awareness to your body, from the top of your head all the way down to your toes. Notice any areas of tension, tightness, or discomfort. (Pause)

3. While still paying attention to your breath, bring your awareness back down your body from your head to your toes. Notice any area of calmness, lightness, or comfort. This can be as small of an area on your body as your baby toe or earlobe. (Pause and check in with the person about their awareness of a calm place.)

4. Now, still breathing in and out, bring your awareness to the area of discomfort and, like a pendulum swinging back and forth, imagine your awareness doing the same. Swing your awareness from the area of discomfort to the area of calm in your body, back and forth, back and forth. (Pause)

5. Just notice your body and your breath. What are you noticing in your body now?

6. Continue to do this until you feel calmness in the previously tense area of your body. (Pause and check in with the person so they can let you know when they reach this state; if they feel no change, transition to a grounding exercise that focuses on breathing only.)


People struggling with suicidal thoughts or self-injury may benefit from developing a safety and wellness plan. These plans are intended to be used in conjunction with other activities in this workbook. For example, a person experiencing suicidal impulses might find a breathing or grounding exercise useful as a way of calming themselves and reducing the impulse. Activities from the Coping and Stress or Cognitive Behavioural Strategies sections may assist with identifying helpful resources.

Suicide and self-harm can be frightening for the individual and the counsellor. Be sure that you have training in assessing these concerns and that you have supervisory or team support whenever working with people who are at risk. Assess the risk for all people you work with, especially those who are experiencing depression, low self-esteem, relationship or body image issues, or loss.

An important part of working with people who are suicidal or who self-harm is to support and encourage those parts of themselves that want to live. This does not mean telling them what they have to live for, but rather asking them about what keeps them going. Acknowledge their strengths, even if that is as simple as the fact that they are here meeting with you today. Be calm and low-key, empathetic, and accepting of how they feel while inquiring about and encouraging healthier options. If the risk of harm seems imminent, do not hesitate to engage emergency services.

For many people who self-harm, their behaviour acts either to interrupt emotional numbing or dissociative experience (“I want to feel again”) or to reduce floods of emotional pain (“I can’t tolerate how I feel”). Providing alternative methods of managing numbing or flooding is an essential part of counselling. The safety plans can act as written reminders of these alternative methods.

WHEN TO USE THESE ACTIVITIES

• To help someone who is at risk of suicide or self-harm When to Reach Out may be most suitable for a person who does not have strong or active suicidal urges but does experience some suicidal or self-harm ideation. It is mostly focused on identification of risks and resources and doesn’t include a detailed plan or commitment. My Safety Plan is more detailed and includes specific information about who the person’s supports are and how to reach them, as well as a clear commitment to safety.

SAFETY PLANS



• The safety-related plans must always be used in a collaborative process with the person and in the context of a larger conversation about safety. People should keep a copy of their plan.

• Develop a safety plan for people who are not yet high-risk but do express thoughts or feelings related to suicide or self-harm. Any suicidal or self-harming gesture must be taken seriously. Avoid just writing it off as attention-seeking behaviour. Even if a person does not have the intent to die, actions to harm themselves can still be fatal.

• Don’t be afraid to ask about suicidal thoughts. You will not make someone suicidal by asking; it is more likely that they will feel relieved to be able to talk about it. Maintain a calm, supportive, and empathetic presence.

• Emphasize the parts of the plan that focus on using resources and coping skills. It is important to remember that just because a person has agreed to create a safety plan, that does not guarantee they will abide by it. Avoid letting your guard down. Continue to assess risk on an ongoing basis and take appropriate action if you think their safety is compromised.

• Combine these activities with teaching and practicing healthy coping skills. Activities from other sections of this workbook can be valuable, particularly breathing, mindfulness, and coping exercises. Review options with the person to choose activities that are best suited to them. Some specific suggestions are listed here:

о Safety Plan

• For noticing warning signs: Identifying and Understanding My Mind and Body Clues (page 36); Red Flags: My Cues to Pause (page 22); and Identifying Triggers (page 69).

• For coping activities: My Coping Strategies (page 23); Building a Coping Toolkit (page 25); Mindful Breathing Tips (page 94); Tips for Calming and Settling (page 99); Quieting the Nervous System (page 103); Rhythmic Movement (page 80); Managing Problematic Substance Use Thoughts (page 61); and Skills for Distraction (page 132).

• For identifying reasons for living: My Wellness Pie (page 33); Inspirational Hero (page 5); and Family Memories (page 161).

о When to Reach Out

• Identifying feelings and thoughts: Recognizing Anxiety Worksheet (page 121); Resource Emotion List (page 123); Identifying Cognitive Distortions (page 46); and Anger Identification and Regulation (page 133).

• Recognizing risky situations: ABC Log (page 45); Identifying Triggers (page 69); and Compulsive Coping Log (page 71).

• Ways to calm down: My Coping Strategies (page 23); Building a Coping Toolkit (page 25); Mindful Breathing Tips (page 94); Tips for Calming and Settling (page 99); and Interrupting and Stopping Worry Loops (page 64).

• People to reach out to: Having a Healthy Social Support Network (page 146).


WHEN TO REACH OUT 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Identifying a range of resources is an important step that can help you remember them in times of crisis. The goal is to stay safe from suicide and increase your sense of wellness.

INSTRUCTIONS: Complete the following plan as a guide for yourself. Use it to help you remember to use your resources when you are feeling suicidal or think you might harm yourself. Share your plan with a counsellor or trusted support person.

The first sign that I’m getting into trouble with my life is:

Feelings that I need to be careful of:

Thoughts that are dangerous for me:

Situations that I need to be careful of:

Ways to calm myself down:


Things I can say to myself to calm down:

People who are good for me to reach out to:

Services that I can reach 24 hours a day:

Parts of my life where I feel strong:

WHEN TO REACH OUT 2 of 2


MY SAFETY PLAN

PURPOSE: A safety plan is a resource for you to highlight what you are willing to do in order to increase your use of external and internal resources. The goal is to stay safe from suicide and increase your sense of wellness.

INSTRUCTIONS: Complete the following plan as a guide for yourself. Use it to help you remember to use your resources when you are feeling suicidal or think you might harm yourself. Share your plan with a counsellor or trusted support person.

Name: Date:

I Commit to Safety in the Following Ways

Noticing my warning signs:

•

•

•

•

Using my coping strategies:

•

•

•

•

Remembering my reasons for living:

•

•

•

•

Taking the next steps:

•

•

•

•

People who can support my plan (friends, counsellor, teacher, spiritual support, etc.)

Name Contact information

If I am unable to keep myself safe from suicide, I will:

• Call 911 or my 24-hour crisis line:

• Go to the emergency room

• Ask for help from a supportive person:

• Not use drugs or alcohol


Stress in relationships is one of the most common reasons that people seek counselling. Many people look to counsellors for help with romantic relationships, relationships with coworkers, and friendships. They may have learned unhealthy patterns of relating to others from their family or social environment or simply don’t know how to identify or deal with an unhealthy relationship. They may miss red flags in an intimate relationship or blame themselves for another person’s actions. These activities will help people recognize patterns in their relationships and practice skills for making healthier connections with others.

Relationships can also be strained when one person is living with an emotional or mental problem. Social anxiety is the most common of the anxiety disorders, and there is a social component for many other kinds of anxiety as well. Developing skills to function in social situations is crucial to lessen the hold of social anxiety. People who live with serious mental illnesses such as mood disorders or thought disorders also frequently have difficulty with social functioning. These disorders often first occur in youth and interrupt the development of social skills required for adult life.

Some activities in this section use mapping or art to facilitate reflection about relationships. Maps, art, and other visual representations can be useful for introducing new ways of seeing things. For example, an eco-map or genogram can assist a person to feel connected to their cultural or family identity, recognize actual or potential supports, or understand how their broader context has influenced them. Drawing or creating something together can strengthen family cohesion.

WHEN TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESThese activities may be useful whenever a person expresses difficulties in social situations, or when a lack of social support appears to be a factor in their problems.

• For people who have difficulty in general social situations Use Identifying Priorities in an Interaction; Relationship Quiz; My Supports; Having a Healthy Social Support Network; Eco-map: Mapping My Relationships; and the Relationship Circle Activity.

CONNECTING AND RELATIONSHIPS


• For strengthening friendships and romantic relationships Use Markers of a Healthy Friendship; Exploring the Experience of Attunement; Starting the Boundary Dialogue; Attending to Boundaries; and Identifying Values in Romantic Relationships.

• For understanding and strengthening family relationships Use What Roles Do We Play?; Healthy Families Functioning Questionnaire; Using Art to Connect With Family; Family Memories; Blended Family Life Cycle Matrix; and Genogram: Mapping My Family.

• For parenting concerns Use Parenthood: Mapping Circles of Influence; My Parenting Strengths; and Connecting Children’s Needs to Resources.

HOW TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESMost of these activities can be used either with the individual or with people in a particular relationship or larger group.

• Use these activities during the counselling session, in the context of therapeutic conversation.

• If the person desires, or if you judge it to be beneficial, an activity can be assigned as homework. Assess the situation first and explore what potential impact this could have at home. Be sure to follow up on any activities that the person does at home so you can evaluate and debrief.

• Only counsellors who are trained and experienced in family work should attempt to use these with a family. For instance, having a whole family complete the Healthy Families Functioning Questionnaire and compare their results should introduce a wealth of new ideas and options. But it could also spark some contentious interactions that require skilled family intervention to resolve.

• Some of these activities are designed for two or more people to do together. These are: Exploring the Experience of Attunement; Attending to Boundaries; and Using Art to Connect With Your Family.


IDENTIFYING PRIORITIES IN AN INTERACTION 1 of 2

PURPOSE: When having a potentially difficult interaction, it is important to plan ahead so you can stay focused on what you hope to achieve. This activity will help you identify what your priorities are so that you can be prepared to keep the conversation on track.

INSTRUCTIONS: Review the three priorities listed here and read the example below. Then identify each priority in either a recent interaction or one you expect to have. Consider which priority is most important in that interaction and how you would approach the conversation.

Priority 1: ObjectiveThis is what you want to get from the interaction.

• Why are you having this communication?

• Do you need to ask for something or state an opinion?

• Do you want to say no to a request?

Priority 2: Relationship FactorsThis refers to anything about the relationship that you should consider when you deliver the message.

• How do I want the other person to feel after the interaction?

• How can I practice validation, openness, and kindness in the interaction?

Priority 3: Self-RespectThis is how you want to feel about yourself after the interaction.

• How can I stand up for myself, my values, and my opinion instead of staying quiet?

• Can I keep calm and behave in a way that contributes to a positive self-image?

Objective Relationship Factors

Self-Respect


Example

Interaction: Your partner has left their wet towel on the bathroom floor again.

Objective: I want them to consistently hang up their towel.

Relationship: I don’t want to start a fight with my partner; I want them to feel respected.

Self-Respect: I want to feel that I was assertive and behaved in a confident, respectful way.

My Most Important Priority: The relationship.

My Approach: I will choose a time when they are not busy and use a calm voice. Then I will state the facts and ask for what I want in a non-blaming way.

Interaction:

Objective:

Relationship:

Self-respect:

My most important priority:

My approach:

IDENTIFYING PRIORITIES IN AN INTERACTION 2 of 2


RELATIONSHIP QUIZ

PURPOSE: Sometimes it is helpful to think about your relationships and ask yourself a few questions to gauge how healthy they are. This quiz will help you identify any risks or serious concerns in your relationships.

INSTRUCTIONS: Pick any one of your relationships, and then read the questions below and answer either yes or no depending on how you feel in that relationship.

1. Are you afraid to speak your opinions?

2. Are you afraid to share your feelings?

3. Does the person tell you that you are stupid or crazy (or do they make similar comments)?

4. Does the person try to control where you go and what you do?

5. Is the person often jealous?

6. Is the person often demanding?

7. Do you second guess your choices because this person has made negative comments?

8. Has this person called you names or insulted you in front of others?

9. Has this person ever threatened to hurt you?

10. Does this person insist on getting their way, even if you strongly disagree?

11. Have you lost touch with friends you would like to see because of this person?

12. Does this person know which “buttons” to push, and do so often?

13. Have the people around you questioned this relationship or expressed concern?

14. Do you feel like you are changing who you are to keep this person happy?

15. Does this person make you feel guilty about having friends or interests outside of them?

16. Does the person say things to make you feel guilty for choices you have made?

Total yes: Total no:

If you answer yes to any of these questions, consider discussing it with your counsellor or a positive support person to help you think through how you can improve the health of that relationship.

YES NO


MY SUPPORTS

PURPOSE: This exercise uses a metaphor that will help you identify your supports.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the questions below to label and/or decorate the shoe in a way that represents those people in your life who act as your supports.

• The tongue: Who do I talk to when I need someone to listen?

• The sole: Who helps my soul?

• The arches: Who lifts me up when I feel down?

• The laces: Who keeps my life tied together?


HAVING A HEALTHY SOCIAL SUPPORT NETWORK

PURPOSE: This activity is designed to help you be aware and make reflective choices about who you connect with and when. This is an important part of self-care.

INSTRUCTIONS: Make three lists of people and groups who are part of your world, including those you have regular contact with and those who are available but you may see or speak to less often.

Who do I spend the most time with? (Top 5 people)

Who do I have regular contact with?

Who do I see or speak to less often?

Now consider the following:

1. Are any of these people also the “most important” people in your life? Name one or more that are most important to you:

2. How much time do you spend with them?

3. What is your relationship to them?

Using the charts below, identify those people from your list who are nurturing or contribute positively to your sense of self. People in my life who are nurturing How do they positively contribute to my sense of self?

My brother He cheers me up and makes me laugh; he is often willing to help out practically

Now identify those who are not as good for you or negatively contribute to your sense of self, and why.People who are not so good for me How do they negatively contribute to my sense of self?

My friend They always turn the conversation on themselves; I feel like I have to take care of them all the time

Looking at your list, are there nurturing relationships you can put more energy into? Are there relationships that you need to take steps to change? Are there some that need to end?


ECO-MAP: MAPPING MY RELATIONSHIPS

PURPOSE: Mapping your relationships and sources of support or stress can help you understand your connection to your broader context as well as how different parts of your life impact one another. This kind of diagram is called an eco-map.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the following steps to help you draw your eco-map on a blank piece of paper. See the example below.

1. Draw a circle in the centre and write your name in it.

2. Add circles around the central one and write the names of any places and people you have relationships with. Places can include where you work, go to school, or volunteer, as well as larger organizations such as a clinic or financial institution that is important in your life.

3. Connect these places and people to your circle with lines indicating the strength and nature of the relationship or connection to you.

• Weak or distant:

• Conflicted or stressful:

• Strong:

4. Indicate if this is a relationship that is life-giving to you (gives you energy) or draining (takes energy away).

• For life-giving relationships, draw an arrow leading to you.

• For relationships you find draining, draw an arrow leading away from you.

5. Once you have completed your eco-map, answer the following questions:

• How do you feel about this map?

• Is there a balance of energy between what is coming back to you and what is going out?

• What about this map would you like to see change?

• What is missing from this map?

ME

Clinic

Best friend Sports

team

Work

My sister


RELATIONSHIP CIRCLE ACTIVITY

PURPOSE: It can be difficult to know who to share your personal information with. This activity will help you decide how much information to share with others regarding important decisions, events, or challenges in your life.

INSTRUCTIONS: Add as many names as you like in each circle below, including outside the circles. The closer a person is to the centre, the more information you may choose to share with them. Create scripts to practice conversations with different people, sharing different amounts of information with each.

Inner Circle

• Closest family and friends

Middle Circle

• Activity-based friendships

• Practical connections

• Close coworkers

• Regular faces

Outer Circle

• Professional acquaintances

• Organizations

• Distant relatives

• Less familiar (or liked) coworkers

Strangers or One-Offs

• Passersby

• Service people

ME


MARKERS OF A HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Sometimes it is difficult to tell if our friendships are healthy or not. Below are a few markers that should be visible in all friendships.

INSTRUCTIONS: Using the spaces provided below, write some words or ideas or draw images that come to mind when thinking about each of the markers of a healthy friendship.

What words, images, or ideas come to mind when you think of trust?

What words, images, or ideas come to mind when you think of sincerity?

What words, images, or ideas come to mind when you think of effort?

Trust Support

SincerityWorking through conflict

Effort Honest communication

HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP!


What words, images, or ideas come to mind when you think of honest communication?

What words, images, or ideas come to mind when you think of working through conflict?

What words, images, or ideas come to mind when you think of support?

Are there any more markers of a healthy friendship you would add to the list above?

MARKERS OF A HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP 2 of 2


EXPLORING THE EXPERIENCE OF ATTUNEMENT

PURPOSE: Attunement is a process of actively monitoring and modifying connections to others through moments of disconnection and reconnection. This activity will help you in experiencing a positive connection with someone at times when they are not physically present.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the steps below to practice experiencing a positive connection with someone you care about.

1. Bring to mind a recent experience of positive connection. This can be a time when you felt the person you were with really cared about you or listened to you, or you just felt good being around them. Allow yourself to tune in to your bodily experience as you hold this memory in your mind.

2. As you think about this connection, jot down a few words to describe what you notice inside yourself right now.

3. Write down some descriptors of the other person in this interaction. What stands out for you about what they were doing or not doing? What were they saying or not saying? Describe how they were good at being with you.

If this is a difficult exercise for you to do, please treat yourself gently and respectfully and try to be curious and nonjudgemental toward yourself. Many people have experienced disrupted connections and thus may require more reliance on autoregulation (relying mostly on oneself) to feel okay; or perhaps they may even avoid contact with other people when wanting to feel positive and calm.

Since this ability is central to overall well-being, we can all benefit from learning to expand our ability to stay present and open while remaining connected to others.


STARTING THE BOUNDARY DIALOGUE 1 of 2

PURPOSE: We are sometimes unaware of what our boundaries are or what is preventing us from having healthy boundaries. Reflecting on your boundaries and what might be holding you back is an important first step toward setting healthy boundaries.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the table below to reflect on the following six types of boundaries and what each is like for you. The questions below provide examples of how to identify each type.

Type of boundary

Questions to identify your own boundaries

What are my boundaries? What makes this boundary difficult for me to establish and maintain?

Material • How do you manage your possessions?

• Do you lend them out?

• Do you have some things that you treasure more than others?

Physical • What do you consider personal space?

• How do you feel about hugging, kissing, or greeting people you know or don’t know?

• How do you react when other people’s physical boundaries are different from your own?

Mental • Do you know what you believe in?

• Are you open to the opinions of others?

• Can you stand up for your beliefs when needed?


Type of boundary

Questions to identify your own boundaries

What are my boundaries? What makes this boundary difficult for me to establish and maintain?

Emotional • Can you separate your feelings from those of others?

• Can you be okay when someone else is not?

• Can you say no without feeling guilty?

Sexual • Do you know your likes and dislikes?

• Can you say no confidently and request changes?

Financial • How do you manage your money individually and within your relationships?

• What are your thoughts and feelings on lending and borrowing?

STARTING THE BOUNDARY DIALOGUE 2 of 2


ATTENDING TO BOUNDARIES

PURPOSE: Many people have experienced violated or disrupted boundaries. Restoring a sense of intact boundaries and choosing to set the limits and duration of them can be crucial aspects of healing and well-being.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the steps below with a trusted partner to practice establishing and recognizing boundaries.

Stay stationary and tune in to your sense of boundary. Your partner stands (or moves their chair) about four feet away. When ready, invite your partner to slowly move closer to you. It is up to you to notice when you have the feeling that the other is close enough and say “Stop.” Take your time and notice how the boundary feels for each of you, then exchange roles and repeat the exercise. Keep in mind that the person moving closer must respect the other’s “Stop” signal and stop immediately.

If it feels okay to go further, pause for a few moments after saying “Stop” to observe how this boundary feels. Then let your partner know when to shift a little bit closer and stop again. Now notice what this new boundary feels like for each of you.

Some important points about working with boundaries:

• When people have experienced a violation of their boundaries in the past, they may not have a clear internal signal that they can connect with, or they may overprotect with very big, reactive boundaries.

• Another possibility is that they may have mixed feelings about their desire or ability to say “Stop.” In this case, they may struggle to set a boundary at all.

• For most people, when boundaries have been crossed already, it becomes harder to “feel” those boundaries. So, if the signal is missed, the boundary becomes less defined.

• If your internal sense is not resonating when the other person says the boundary is okay, try moving back slightly and see if you’re able to relax more.


IDENTIFYING VALUES IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Key values that should be present in a romantic relationship are trust, respect, and honouring boundaries. This activity will help you to examine and resolve common issues that occur when values are disregarded in romantic relationships.

INSTRUCTIONS: Choose one or more of the situations below and do your best to answer the questions.

Situation 1Ivory and Chris have been dating for three months. Last week while they were kissing, Chris tried to take off Ivory’s shirt and Ivory pushed Chris’s hands away. Last night, the same thing happened, and this time Ivory told Chris that they weren’t comfortable with their clothes coming off while they were together. Chris told Ivory they had “ruined the mood” and stormed out.

What value(s) are being disregarded – trust, respect, and/or boundaries?

What could Chris have done differently?

How could Chris have responded to Ivory differently?

Situation 2Sarah and Luke just agreed to date only each other. Now that they’re a couple, Sarah wants Luke to join her singing group. Luke tries to tell her that he doesn’t like singing in front of people and already has a commitment at that time, but Sarah doesn’t listen and insists he come to their practice this afternoon. When Luke doesn’t show up, Sarah calls him and yells at him for being a bad boyfriend and not supporting her.


What could Sarah have done differently?

How could Sarah have responded to Luke differently?


Situation 3Hannah is trying to plan a birthday party that she will host at her house. She and Morgan have been dating for a month, and she wants Morgan to be at her party. Hannah tells Morgan that she would like it if she came but asks her not to bring her friend Steven because Hannah feels very uncomfortable around him. Morgan agrees. The day of the party rolls around and Morgan arrives at Hannah’s party with a bunch of friends, including Steven. When Hannah confronts Morgan about it, she brushes it off and says she didn’t think it was a big deal and that Hannah should just let it go and enjoy the party.


What could Morgan have done differently?

How could Morgan have responded to Hannah differently?

IDENTIFYING VALUES IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 2 of 2


WHAT ROLES DO WE PLAY?

PURPOSE: Identifying key roles individuals play within the family unit can help family members better understand each other’s experiences. This can also help the counsellor identify and assist those most in need of support while capitalizing on the increased stability and readiness of others.

INSTRUCTIONS: This is a counsellor-led activity. Complete the following questions during a family counselling session; then share your answers with each other and your family counsellor. Discuss any new insights and remember that each person’s perspective is equally valid!

Questions to help identify family members most ready for changeWhich family member(s):

• Initiated reaching out for help? Organizes and schedules sessions?

• Seem(s) most distressed by or vocal about current family dynamics?

• Work(s) to apply tools and strategies discussed in session outside of sessions?

Questions to help identify family members in a leadership positionWhich family member(s):

• Seem(s) to have the most influence with other members?

• Appear(s) to be the most objective when conflict is present?

• Is/Are the most receptive to differing opinions and perceptions?

• Engage(s) with a healthy support network outside of the family unit?

• Tend(s) to be seen as the leader(s) or problem solver(s) in the family? (Note: these members may also be “most in need of support.”)

Questions to help identify family members most in need of supportWhich family member(s):

• Seem(s) least engaged in the process?

• Tend(s) to lose their voice or get overwhelmed during family sessions?

• Struggle(s) with stability or managing mental health, addiction, or unresolved trauma symptoms?

• Has/Have high levels of conflict (legal/relational/occupational) outside of the family dynamics?

• Tend(s) to be seen as the leader(s) or problem solver(s) in the family? (I.e., they may not be receiving their own support from others in the family.)


HEALTHY FAMILIES FUNCTIONING QUESTIONNAIRE 1 of 2

PURPOSE: This questionnaire can be used to identify the strengths in your family as well as areas to develop.

INSTRUCTIONS: Complete the questionnaire and identify both the strengths of your family and the areas that need more attention. Remember, no family is perfect!

Respect

• Family members respect one another and accept each other’s basic personalities without criticism or contempt.

• Individuals are able to have and express their own opinions and feelings.

• Individuals avoid using contempt or humiliation in their interactions.

Sharing of Power

• People are able to hear and discuss each other’s needs and wishes.

• Decisions are made in a fair, collaborative fashion by those with decision-making power.

• Those with decision-making power consider others’ well-being and points of view.

• People feel secure and taken care of by each other.

• No one forces their will or bullies others in the family.

Boundaries

• Parents take the responsibility to ensure children’s needs are met to the best of their ability.

• Children are given responsibilities fitting their age and ability level and are not expected to look after adults’ needs.

• Parents or adult members provide the basic structure and routine, including meal preparation, grocery shopping, house maintenance, school attendance, and medical attention.

• Adults put their children’s needs first and actively protect them.

• Adults look after their own needs and ask for outside help when they need to.

POOR GOOD EXCELLENT


Conflict Management

• The family has clear guidelines of what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour for how individuals treat each other.

• Adults model respectful and loving behaviour even when they are angry and disagree with each other.

• There is a clear message that violence is not okay in the family, and corporal punishment is not used.

• People are able to express anger, hurt, and frustration in respectful and nonviolent ways.

• Family members have ways of collaboratively problem-solving.

• Adults model positive ways of coping with emotion and stress.

• Children can go to parents for soothing and support.

• Parents do not take their frustrations out on their children.

Flexibility and Adaptability

• The rules and expectations shift as family members grow and change.

• Family members work together to adapt when new stressors arise.

• There is a sense that the family “sticks together” in crises.

• Individuals have positive supports they can turn to in times of need.

• Family members would reach out for help and support if they needed more than their natural supports could provide.

• Family members are encouraged and supported to pursue interests and activities.

• The children have friends and are welcome to bring them over to the house.

HEALTHY FAMILIES FUNCTIONING QUESTIONNAIRE 2 of 2

POOR GOOD EXCELLENT


USING ART TO CONNECT WITH FAMILY

PURPOSE: Using art to colour or visually represent family members’ emotions, interactions, or family structure can help us notice things that aren’t usually evident or obvious when talking in person. These activities can be especially useful for parents to connect with children and to promote a sense of family identity.

INSTRUCTIONS: Review the following three activities and choose which one(s) you want to do. You will need paper, pencils, coloured pens, and any other materials you’d like to use for drawing or making collages. For the memory box activity, you will also need a box that can be decorated.

Set a time with your family to do the activity. Explain the purpose in a way that everyone can understand. For example, say, “We are going to make a picture of our family that will help us understand each other better” or, “We want to remember everything special about Grandpa, so we are going to make a memory box.”

Circle Method of Drawing the FamilyGive each family member a piece of paper with a circle on it that takes up about half the page. Have people positioned so they can work on their illustrations without seeing each other’s drawings too easily. Everyone should then draw or place their family on the paper however they like – they can be big or little, with or without any details. After the drawings are done, look at each one together and ask curious questions to notice things like:

• Who is included and who is left off

• Who is closer together and who is further apart

• Why someone might be inside or outside the circle

Collaborative Family ScribbleStart with one person and invite them to make a scribble on a blank piece of paper. Then pass it along to the next person so they can add to the scribble and keep working on it to help the family explore whether they can turn it into a picture together. Your counsellor or support person may start this activity with you and have you complete it at home.

Alternatively, have each family member make a scribble on their own blank piece of paper, then choose together which one to turn in to a family picture. When it’s finished, have each family member sign it and come up with a title.

Creating a Memory BoxThis activity can be used in a general way to foster family connection and shared history. Or it can be focused on a particular time, such as after a significant family event, loss of a family member, or life cycle transition like someone moving away or graduating.

• Give each family member a piece of paper and materials for drawing or painting; magazine pictures can also be used.

• Each person creates their own picture or collage related to the focus of the activity.

• When complete, the family members work together to decorate a box to hold the papers.

• Their individual papers are then put in the box, but they can continue to add items later.


FAMILY MEMORIES

PURPOSE: Reminding yourself of pleasant family memories can strengthen your sense of connection to your family. Family relationships are a source for assisting and facilitating well-being and regulating emotions.

INSTRUCTIONS: What is your favourite family memory? Write about it or draw a picture in the space provided below.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:

1. What makes this memory special for you?

2. Who are you most connected to in this memory?

3. How can you carry this memory with you to help you when times are tough?


BLENDED FAMILY LIFE CYCLE MATRIX

PURPOSE: This tool can help blended families map a more complete picture of the life cycle stages, navigate the associated tasks, and help prioritize the challenges.

INSTRUCTIONS: Find the place(s) on the matrix that best fits your family and consider the reflection questions. Note which life cycle stage(s) your family is at and how many of the family tasks are also active at the same time. Use the questions to help prioritize where to focus.


1. What is it like to navigate all these challenges simultaneously? What’s the biggest challenge?

2. How have you navigated previous tasks and stages? What strengths did you use?

3. Of the intersections your family is currently navigating, which are the most straightforward? Which are the most challenging?

4. Is there an earlier stage or task that is incomplete that’s adding to the current challenges?

5. Which family members are trying to push forward? Which ones aren’t? How well does each member understand what is behind their choices?

6. Whose priorities and voices are being heard in these challenges? Whose are missing?

7. Are their changes or losses that need to be acknowledged before people can move through a stage or task?

Blended Family Tasks

Life Cycle Stages Pote

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solu

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of p

revi

ous

adul

t re

latio

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Dat

ing

and

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Esta

blis

hmen

t of

new

adu

lt re

latio

nshi

p id

entit

y

Intro

duct

ion

of

child

ren

and

partn

er

Join

ing

betw

een

step

pare

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nd

child

ren

Emer

genc

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bl

ende

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Dev

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Tran

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Launching single young adult

Joining of families

Families with young children

Families with adolescents

Launching children

Families in later life


GENOGRAM: MAPPING MY FAMILY 1 of 2

PURPOSE: A genogram is a tangible representation of a family – it is a visual, intergenerational family tree that can include three to four generations. It can be used to explore patterns or themes across generations to help you gain a better understanding of yourself.

INSTRUCTIONS: Take a large piece of paper and turn it to landscape position. Start in the middle of the page and follow the steps to draw your family using the symbols and formats provided.

Step 1: Start with your immediate family (you, your parents, and your siblings). You may also include other people who you consider your immediate family such as important friends, pets, or other extended family.

Create a legend for the symbols you are using. Often the following symbols are used as a start:

Male-identified Female-identified Any gender or nonbinary-identified

Step 2: Add people.

• Spouse or partner

• Former spouse or ex-partner

• Children (place below their biological parents and list in birth order as shown below)

• Parents, siblings

• Spouse/partner’s parents, partner’s siblings

• Any other significant people (for example, a sister-in-law, neighbour, or uncle)

For stepfamilies and blended families, do your best! Circle the people who live together, and don’t worry if it is messy because families are messy!

List children in birth order beginning with the oldest child on the left:

Marriage Common law or affair Separation Divorce

Biological child

Foster child

Adopted child

Stillbirth Fraternal twins

Identical twins

Pregnancy


Adding a third generation will make your diagram look more like this:

Step 3: Add information.

• Add important dates, health information, and more

• If desired, draw lines between people to show the most important emotional relationships (you don’t have to do this for everyone)

Step 4: Look at the big picture.

• What patterns do you see? Look at things such as:

о Relationships – For example, do daughters all have conflict with their mothers? Is a spouse closer to their parents than they are to their partner?

о Gender – Do men and women have particular roles? Are transgender family members cut off?

о Birth order – Do youngest children tend to be more distant?

о Health – How might health concerns impact family relationships?

о Occupations – For example, do a number of people share the same profession?

о Important dates – Consider whether births, marriages, and losses occur close together.

о Strengths – What patterns or legacies of survival and resilience do you notice? What qualities that you admire run through your family?

о What other patterns do you see?

• Who breaks the pattern(s)? What do you know about that individual or group?

• How does understanding your family’s patterns give you a better understanding of yourself?

GENOGRAM: MAPPING MY FAMILY 2 of 2

Date of birth above left

1960

Age inside symbol

59

Date of death above right

2019

Death

1960-2019

Close Emotionally distant Conflict


PARENTHOOD: MAPPING CIRCLES OF INFLUENCE

PURPOSE: This activity is used to build awareness of the various influences, both past and present, that may shape a person’s role as a parent. With increased awareness comes greater intentionality as a parent.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the directions below to assess what relationships, information, or activities influence you in your role as a parent. Then consider the reflection questions and have a conversation with your partner, counsellor, or trusted support person regarding your answers.

1. Write your name in the middle of a blank piece of paper or on the back of this handout.

2. Name and add onto the map your various influences, both past and present, reflecting on how you are and want to be as a parent. The influences can be people (known to you, or fictional characters), activities (exercise, traditions, alcohol/drugs, work), or other sources of learning. Qualities learned from these influences may be included.

3. Consider which of these influences you want to grow (using a thicker line) and which you wish to lessen (using a dotted line).


1. What was it like to do this exercise?

2. What themes do you notice?

3. What do you want to take from this?

4. When you consider your influence on your children, what do you hope they learn about being a parent?

NAME

Important people

What did they model?

InformationWebsites,

books

ActivitiesQualities and

learning

TeacherLessons


MY PARENTING STRENGTHS

PURPOSE: This list can help parents become aware of the strengths and needs within their relationship with their child. This can also help identify goals and capacities for a parent to build on.

INSTRUCTIONS: Read the list below and check those strengths that you recognize in your parenting, then answer the reflection questions.

Parenting Strengths

Being open to the child’s agenda (for example, letting the child lead during play)

Supporting the child’s emotions (being there when the child is in distress or excited)

Being sensitive to the child’s responses (for example, “It looks like you’re [sad/angry/frustrated] about what happened on the playground.”)

Setting reasonable expectations (such as expecting age-appropriate actions and reactions during play and in emotional situations)

Adapting strategies to the child’s developmental stage (allowing the child to express emotions and play at a pace that is age appropriate)

Encouraging the child (for example, “Way to go. You worked hard at that!”)

Promoting exploration and curiosity (encouraging exploration in a way that encourages continued play and inquiry)

If playing with toys, encouraging problem solving by saying things like: “I wonder if that piece might fit in that slot? What do you think? Shall we try it?”

If dealing with feelings or having a conversation, encouraging shifting perspectives by saying things like: “I wonder what you might do differently?” or “Can you guess what might have been feeling when you said, ‘I hate you’?”


1. What other strengths do you see in your parent–child relationship?

2. What strengths do other people see in your parenting?

3. What areas do you see that you can work on to make your parent–child relationship stronger?


CONNECTING CHILDREN’S NEEDS TO RESOURCES

PURPOSE: This exercise can help children make connections between their emotional needs and the supports available to them. Some will identify family or adult supportive figures while others will identify other attachments such as friends, pets, siblings, or special belongings.

INSTRUCTIONS: Have the child fill out the diagram below. Counsellors and parents should keep the instructions simple and encourage the child to be creative in their responses. They may choose to use words, pictures, or symbols to depict these figures in their lives. Ask the child to describe their images to you after they complete the activity. Offer them encouragement, emotional support, and comfort.

Who do I need?

This is me

When I feel sad When I feel mad

When I feel scared When I feel worried

When I feel happy


Effective communication is one of the most important skills for people of all ages, while at the same time being one of the most difficult and complex. Most of us learn to communicate by observing and copying those closest to us, without having any formal instruction or objective feedback to help us gain communication skills. We may then feel that we are good communicators while remaining unaware of the various factors that might be impeding how effectively we can communicate. It is not uncommon to focus only on what to say and not how to say it, for example.

Often, people seeking help and helpers themselves think of developing communication skills as learning how to listen. However, active listening is only one part of the equation. To be effective communicators, we also need to learn how to send messages clearly and appropriately, to both give and receive feedback, and to offer opinions assertively and respectfully. The exercises here will assist in these important areas.

Components of communication that require attention include the person sending the message, the message itself, the medium by which the message is sent and received, and the person receiving the message. People at both ends of the communication process are influenced by many factors, such as their own current state of mind and emotions, underlying beliefs or assumptions, personal communication skills, and cultural influences. External factors such as pressure to respond quickly for a deadline or distraction from answering a text while doing something else can also influence the effectiveness of the communication.

The content and purpose of the message itself makes a difference – is this likely to be heard or felt negatively? Is it of critical importance? More thought must be given to wording and delivery in these cases. Many people struggle with assertiveness in communication and with distinguishing what is assertive as opposed to passive or aggressive – both in the words they use and in their nonverbal behaviours.

Additionally, the channel or medium of communication is important. In face-to-face communication or conversations via phone or video chat, nonverbal cues such as body language and tone of voice are crucial. These cues are not present in emails, texts, written notes, or letters. This makes it much more challenging to convey messages accurately because in the absence of nonverbal information, the person receiving the message will filter it through their own expectations and assumptions.

COMMUNICATION


This section begins with three variations of communication self-assessments that people can take, followed by several exercises to help them improve communication skills. The activities primarily focus on verbal interactions and can be accompanied by discussion of nonverbal communication. Some of these activities will require practice with more than one person.

WHEN TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESThese activities will be useful for anyone who expresses problems in relationships, workplace issues, or other concerns that appear to involve communication breakdowns.

• For helping someone develop their self-awareness Use the Communication Quiz; Listening Habits Quiz; Finding My Assertiveness Style; and How Assertive Am I?

• To help someone improve their verbal and nonverbal communication skills Use Active Listening; Choosing My Response; Offering My Opinion; The Confident No; Making Requests; Persuasion Exercise; and Receiving Negative Feedback.


• You may choose to begin with one of the self-assessments. These can be followed up with other activities. For example, if a person finds that they scored high on submissiveness, they might find The Confident No activity helpful.

• Practice the skills with the person in a counselling session. It is often easier to practice skills such as assertiveness in the safe environment of the counselling room before trying them out at home, at work, or anywhere else.

• Discuss how others might react to the person changing their communication. For example, if a previously passive person now becomes assertive in a potentially abusive relationship, this may actually increase their risk of harm.

• Wherever possible, ask the person to invite a significant family member or friend to come to a session with them and do the activity with your support and guidance. This will be especially helpful for the activities that require two people.


COMMUNICATION QUIZ 1 of 2

PURPOSE: This quiz will help you to better understand your communication strengths and weaknesses. It is not an exhaustive or scientifically validated test, but it can give you some things to think about.

INSTRUCTIONS: Read each of the statements below and rate your response using the scale provided.

1 = Strongly disagree 2 = Disagree 3 = Neutral 4 = Agree 5 = Strongly agree

I am not easily distracted when talking to others.

In a conversation, I like to clarify the other person’s meaning if I’m not understanding them clearly.

In a conversation, I can tell how the other person is feeling.

When talking with others, I never interrupt people or raise my voice in order to get my point across.

I do not speak fast when talking to others.

I don’t offer unsolicited advice or try to fix people’s problems.

If people are not understanding me, I recheck how I’m sending the message in order to ensure I’m communicating clearly.

I tend to put myself in the other person’s shoes in order to better understand them (especially during difficult conversations).

I never argue in my mind with the other person when they are saying something I don’t agree with.

When a conflict arises, I don’t assume I am right and the other person is wrong.

When a person is sharing negative feelings, I want to understand more, and I encourage the conversation to continue.

When things become uncomfortable, I patiently listen, checking in to make sure I’ve got the whole story.

After I have pursued understanding the person I’m in conflict with, I sensitively share how I really feel and think.

I can receive correction or negative feedback without getting defensive.

I try to understand why people react to my communication the way they do.

In a conversation, I try to discern what a person’s true feelings are regardless of what they say.

When discussing something, I know what words or expressions affect me negatively.

I always give my full attention to people when they are speaking to me.

When someone has upset me, I first suspend judgement and seek to understand their viewpoint and feelings.

I try to think through how to communicate my message in order to make it easier for others to understand me.


Results

1. Add up the numbers from the 20 questions. My score:

2. Now that you have determined your score, review the next section and analyze your communication patterns. Remember, this is not the “truth” about you, but just a tool to help you think and talk about communication.

Interpreting Your Results

90–100 You have a great grasp of communication with a thorough understanding of how and when to use problem-solving skills in diverse situations.

71–89 You are a strong communicator who understands concepts of interpersonal dynamics. There are still a few areas of communication you can grow in.

51–70 You have a basic understanding of communication principles. However, there is room for improvement in several areas of your communication approach, which will help you in different interactions.

20–50 Your communication effectiveness is not what it could be. You have multiple areas of growth that need to be worked on in order for you to communicate clearly with others on a regular basis.

COMMUNICATION QUIZ 2 of 2


LISTENING HABITS QUIZ 1 of 2

PURPOSE: A key skill in relationships is good listening. This quiz will help you become aware of your listening habits. It is not an exhaustive or scientifically validated test, but it can give you some things to think about.

INSTRUCTIONS: Complete the quiz below, and then compare your answers to the answers on the following page.

1. I interrupt the other person often to get my point in.

Rarely, if ever

Often

When I have a much more important point

2. I make assumptions about what the other person is going to say next.

I know them well, so I usually can

Not often at all

Often

3. I answer another person’s opinions with, “Yes, but…”

About 50% of the time

Not very often

Usually

4. I avoid looking at a person while they are talking to me.

It depends on whether I like them or not

Not very often

Usually

5. I avoid staying on any one subject with my speaking partner.

Sometimes

Rarely, if ever

I can dodge any issue

6. I prepare what I’m going to say in response while the other person is talking.

When I’m nervous

Never

I always do this

7. I tune out if the other person is too long-winded.

Never

Often

Yes, but I can hide it well

8. I give people advice when they are done talking.

It’s my job to tell people what to do

I rarely do this

I check if advice would be helpful


Best Answers

1. Best answer: Rarely, if ever. An interruption may be interpreted as you not caring what they have to say. If you need to interrupt, it is a good idea to explain why.

2. Best answer: Not often at all. When we make assumptions, we might miss out on really understanding and hearing important information.

3. Best answer: Not very often. “But” is a powerful word that tends to erase the agreement you just made. If you mean no, say “No.” If you want to add something, say “and” instead of “but.”

4. Best answer: Not very often. Although you don’t have to constantly look at a person or necessarily make eye contact, turning toward the speaker and giving your attention conveys respect and helps you fully absorb what they are saying.

5. Best answer: Rarely, if ever. It is best to keep a clear focus on one topic at a time until both people feel understood and not dismissed or confused.

6. Best answer: Never. If you are planning your own response, you are no longer listening. Wait until the person is finished and take some time if you need.

7. Best answer: Never. The other person can usually sense when you tune out. This can give the message that you don’t care and also result in missing information.

8. Best answer: I rarely do this. Although sometimes it might be your job to give advice, generally when we are in a peer role, this is not helpful. Before anything else, people need to feel heard and understood; they can often find their own answers.

Interpreting Your ResultsCompare your answers to the best answers. Keep in mind that this is simply a tool to encourage you to think about your communication and is not necessarily the “truth” about you.

7–8 best answers You are a good listener. You have great skills for making sure people feel that you care about what they have to say.

4–6 best answers You are well within the range of average listening habits. People probably wouldn’t consider you a bad listener; however, you have room for improvement in several areas.

Fewer than 4 best answers You have some work to do! Your listening habits are likely getting in the way of your effectiveness.


1. What are the areas of listening that you need to be more aware of?

2. Are you surprised by your results?

LISTENING HABITS QUIZ 2 of 2


FINDING MY ASSERTIVENESS STYLE 1 of 2

PURPOSE: This quiz will help you better understand your assertiveness strengths and weaknesses. It is not an exhaustive or scientifically validated test, but it can give you some things to think about.

INSTRUCTIONS: Read each of the statements below and rate your response using the scale provided.

1 = Rarely 2 = Seldom 3 = Occasionally 4 = Often 5 = Very often

1. I know my thoughts and feel very comfortable sharing my point of view.

2. I like to be in charge of the conversation.

3. I shy away when the conversation becomes difficult.

4. I mentally prepare myself for difficult conversations.

5. I can be harsh when I ask people to do things.

6. I have a hard time saying no.

7. I can tell people in a calm way when their behaviour is bothering me.

8. I talk without thinking.

9. I will stay quiet rather than hurt someone’s feelings.

10. I am aware of how others feel and think and am okay saying how I feel and think too.

11. I can see others’ weaknesses and use this to my advantage.

12. I have a hard time asking people to help me.

13. I am able to keep cool and control my emotions, even when I am angry.

14. I say it how it is and do not worry about the result.

15. I stay away from topics where others have different opinions or ideas than I do.

16. When needed, I can talk to and manage people who are rude.

17. I won’t back down when I know I am right, even with small things.

18. I sometimes feel that people take advantage of me.

19. It is important that people feel heard, but I also expect my view to be respected.

20. I will push people around if I can get away with it.

21. I prefer to keep my opinions to myself.


ScoringWrite the number you wrote for each question in the corresponding blank below, then total the columns. The highest score is your most common form of communicating.

Assertive Pushy Passive

1. 2. 3.

4. 5. 6.

7. 8. 9.

10. 11. 12.

13. 14. 15.

16. 17. 18.

19. 20. 21.

Total: Total: Total:

Interpreting Your Results

• Assertive: This is the confident, respectful style of communicating. You are able to clearly state your needs or opinions while respecting the other person and your relationship.

• Pushy: This style is aggressive. You tend to push your opinions and wishes on others with little regard for the relationship.

• Passive: In this style, you tend to submit to the ideas or actions of others whether you agree with them or not.

FINDING MY ASSERTIVENESS STYLE 2 of 2


HOW ASSERTIVE AM I?

PURPOSE: Your comfort level with assertiveness may vary depending on the situation you are in. This activity will help you identify the situations in which you tend to be more or less confident and assertive. By predicting which situations are more likely to trigger a pushy or passive response in you, you can plan ahead to be more assertive.

INSTRUCTIONS: Complete the tables below and answer the reflection questions.

Pushy response

I was pushy in this situation:

What I said:

What I did:

How it turned out:

Passive response

I was passive in this situation:

What I said:

What I did:

How it turned out:

Assertive response

I was assertive in this situation:

What I said:

What I did:

How it turned out:


1. What situations do you tend to become pushy in?

2. Which type of situation do you tend to become more submissive in?

3. Which two people do you find it most difficult to assertively communicate with? What makes it difficult to communicate with assertiveness around these individuals?

4. Think of three situations in which you would like to be more confident. Then consider how you can react or respond more assertively. Ask a support person or close friend to help you with this task


ACTIVE LISTENING

PURPOSE: This exercise provides an opportunity for partners to practice showing empathy through active listening. The intent is for the listener to focus on the speaker and stop themselves from talking about their own experiences and opinions or making comparisons to their own situation. This is most helpful if practiced with a counsellor before trying it as homework.

INSTRUCTIONS: With your counsellor or support person, take turns being the speaker and the listener and have a short conversation (2–4 minutes). The speaker will share a situation where they experienced a strong emotion, either positive or negative. The listener will practice using the components of active listening depicted below.

Components of active listening:

• Eye contact

• Listening without interrupting

• Showing understanding of another’s feelings

• Acknowledging what you hear with empathetic reflective questions or statements such as “It sounds like…” or “Tell me more about it.”

The listener will try to remain entirely focused on the speaker, tuning in to what the speaker is saying and using the components of active listening. If the speaker is relaying a situation that might require advice, the listener should resist the urge to fix the problem. Simply listen and express interest and empathy.

The listener’s responses to the speaker should be in the form of open questions – who, what, when, where, and how questions that require more than a “Yes” or “No” answer. Avoid why questions as these can be interpreted as being challenging; try rewording why to one of the other open-ended questions. For example, instead of asking “Why do you think that?” ask “What makes you think that?” Responses can either be exploring questions or statements (“Tell me more…”) or empathetic reflection questions or statements (“It sounds like you feel…”).

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTIONFor the listener:

1. What do you think the speaker was trying to tell you? What feelings were they trying to express?

2. Which component of active listening did you find easy to do? What was difficult?

For the speaker:

1. Did the listener understand what you were feeling?

2. Which component of active listening was most helpful?


CHOOSING MY RESPONSE

PURPOSE: Passive or pushy response habits can be challenging to change, and it can be difficult to come up with a new response in the moment. This activity will help you compare different responses and practice finding assertive responses that you can apply to future interactions.

INSTRUCTIONS: For each scenario below, list three possible responses: one that’s passive, one that’s pushy, and one that’s assertive.

Scenario Responses

Your boss has asked you to do a project that you know you are capable of doing well. You would like to do the work but know you don’t have the time.

Passive response:

Pushy response:

Assertive response:

You are at your in-laws’ house. The neighbours pop by to offer an invitation to a church function that you are not interested in attending. You know your mother-in-law is also not interested, but she replies, “Sure, we’d love to go.” The neighbour looks at you for your response.

Passive response:

Pushy response:

Assertive response:

Your cell phone is not ringing for incoming calls – it has been an ongoing problem, so you call your service provider to discuss the issue.

Passive response:

Pushy response:

Assertive response:

Your coworker often delegates work to you. Initially, you wanted to help, but now you feel like they are taking advantage of you.

Passive response:

Pushy response:

Assertive response:

Personal scenario: Passive response:

Pushy response:

Assertive response:


OFFERING MY OPINION

PURPOSE: Replacing passive or pushy responses with new skills requires practice. This activity is intended to be done with your counsellor and a person important to you. It will provide an opportunity to practice assertive verbal and nonverbal skills in a safe situation.

INSTRUCTIONS: Practice this activity within a counselling session first. Your counsellor may play the part of the second person or guide you in practicing this with a partner. The counsellor will intervene if the interaction gets too heated and will assist in identifying the type of responses and reflecting on the interaction.

1. Choose a question from the following list and write your opinion beside it:

• Should the blood alcohol level tolerance in drivers be zero?

• Should we have harsher jail sentences for young offenders?

• Is sex education in school a good thing?

2. One partner plays the role of the listener and the other plays the role of the speaker.

Listener• Face your partner and make use of

assertive body language (see checklist below).

• Listen – do not speak until your partner is finished speaking.

• Restate the speaker’s opinion.• State your own opinion.

Speaker• Face your partner and make use

of assertive body language. • Present your opinion.• Use personal language (for example,

“I think…,” “In my opinion…,” or “My thoughts are…”).

Body Language Checklist

Do Don’t

• Stand or sit tall• Distribute weight evenly through body• Keep hands visible• Use calm gestures• Maintain natural eye contact• Speak in a voice fitting the situation• Demonstrate appropriate emotion

• Slouch• Cross legs• Press weight into one hip• Hold hands on hips• Fidget• Look down or glare at the person• Speak too loud or too softly

There can be cultural variations in what is considered to be healthy and assertive communication. What would you add to this list from your own cultural and family teachings of healthy, confident communication and language?

3. Repeat with another statement, switching who is the listener and who is the speaker.

4. Discuss the interaction. What assertive phrases were used? What was each person saying with their body language?


THE CONFIDENT NO

PURPOSE: Practicing assertiveness will help you be more confident when faced with a real-life situation.

INSTRUCTIONS: This exercise requires two people. Your counsellor may play the part of the second person or guide you in practicing with a partner. The counsellor will intervene if the interaction gets too heated and will assist in reflecting on the interaction.

1. Brainstorm a list of requests that you want to say no to:

•

•

•

•

•

•

2. Circle one of the requests from your brainstormed list.

3. Choose or write down a statement you could use to say no. Examples include:

• No thanks, I am not interested.

• No thanks.

• I can see you are into this, but no thanks. I don’t do that anymore.

• It sounds like this is important to you, but I am not interested.

•

•

4. Write down one statement you could use to validate the asker:

5. Decide who will play the role of the asker and who will play the role of the responder. The asker then makes the request, and the responder uses the no statement along with the validation statement to deny the request. Asker:• Make the request. Be very firm in your asking. Use guilt, shame, or intimidating statements to try

and get your way – but don’t be over the top. • Make the request two more times after the responder has said no. Responder: • Practice saying no.


MAKING REQUESTS

PURPOSE: We often need to ask people to support us, lend a hand, or work alongside us. When we make requests of others, we need to allow the space for either a “Yes” or “No” answer. This activity will help you practice making requests in a constructive way.

INSTRUCTIONS: Choose a request from the list below, then write out how you would verbalize that request using the Describe, Express, Specify, Outcomes (DESO) framework.

Request List

• Request time off from work.

• Request that your workload not be increased for the next few months while you catch up.

• Request that the hotel manager deal with the noisy party in the next room.

• Ask the renovation company for a firm date of completion.

• Ask a customer service clerk to check if they overcharged you.

• Ask a family member to help out with something at home.

• Ask your neighbour to keep an eye on your house while you are away.

Framework for Making Requests (DESO)

• Describe: State what is happening. Be clear, succinct, and to the point. For example, “We have a lot to do before the supervisor arrives this morning.”

• Express the impact: State your feelings on the situation. Verbalize your emotions – don’t act them out. For example, “I am feeling worried that we won’t be ready on time.”

• Specify: Be very clear about the exact request you are making. Be positive with the words you choose, and hone in on desired behaviours. For example, “Could you reorganize the Cooper file and print a copy of last month’s statement?”

• Outcomes: State your goals, objectives, and hopes. This may include your feelings about the situation, the end results, the rewards, or, in a worst-case scenario, the negative consequences for lack of compliance. For example, “I think if we all pitch in, we can be ready and look forward to a good evaluation.”

DESO Script

Describe:

Express:

Specify:

Outcomes:


PERSUASION EXERCISE

PURPOSE: Thinking ahead to how you will try to persuade someone can help the conversation to go well.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think of a situation in which you want to persuade someone and then follow the steps below to come up with a plan for the conversation.

1. Who do you want to persuade (such as a friend, family member, supervisor, someone you supervise, or a coworker)?

2. What do you want to persuade them to do?

3. What is the logic (or, why should they do it)? Write it as clearly as you can. Include specific examples. Feel free to make multiple drafts.

4. What will you say to acknowledge any doubts the other person has about your request before making your best point?

5. How could you create an emotional connection?

6. How could you get them involved?

7. How will you include evidence of your credibility?


RECEIVING NEGATIVE FEEDBACK

PURPOSE: Negative feedback can often feel threatening or overwhelming. However, being able to accept criticism is a valuable tool that allows us to learn about ourselves and grow as individuals.

INSTRUCTIONS: Use the three strategies for responding to negative feedback to help you respond to the criticisms in the boxes below. Use the third column to come up with a recent criticism you’ve heard.

Three Strategies for Responding to Negative Feedback

1. Agree

• Sometimes the feedback we receive is valid.• Acknowledge, apologize, and say you won’t do it again.

2. Move past

• This technique is useful when responding to manipulative feedback or nonconstructive criticism that you disagree with.

• Don’t react and ignore the feedback.

3. Dig in

• This technique is especially helpful when we are not sure if the feedback is constructive, or if we do not fully understand what is being communicated.

• Have a conversation.

Negative Feedback: “You never help out!”

Negative Feedback: “You are always late!”

Negative Feedback:

Agree: “I know I haven’t been much help lately.”

Agree: Agree:

Move past: Ignore the comment.

Move past: Move past:

Dig in: “I’m not sure what you mean. What do you need me to help with?”

Dig in: Dig in:


People frequently seek counselling because of conflicts in their life, or during the counselling process it becomes evident that conflict management is a challenge for them. Misunderstandings, minor incidents, and simple disagreements may result in relationship breakdown, job loss, and other adverse consequences. Conflict can be:

• Internal, such as being conflicted about choosing between options or making an important decision.

• External, such as getting into a yelling match with a family member.

Resolution of conflict can be accomplished with the following steps:

1. Invite and listen to the other side.

2. Say it back by restating and paraphrasing.

3. Ask open-ended questions.

4. Communicate using “I” messages.

5. Find a solution.

The activities in this section will help people practice these steps by gaining a better understanding of their own beliefs, trigger points, and reactions.

WHEN TO USE THESE ACTIVITIESThese activities can be used with a person who wishes to address conflicts they are experiencing and is willing to look at their own role in conflict.

• To explore someone’s own experiences and readiness to change their approach Use How Ready Am I to Handle Conflict?; Difficult Conversation Checklist; and Beliefs About Conflict.

CONFLICT


• To help the person understand conflict in general Start with The Roots of Conflict; The Five Ws of Conflict; Places of Conflict; and Positive Results of Working Through Conflict.

• To guide the person to understand the other person’s perspective Use Clearing Up Misunderstandings; Two Sides to a Conflict; Changing Difficult Relationships; and Reacting to Conflict.

• To help them learn and practice new skills Use the Focus on “I” Not “You” activity. Activities in the Communication section of this workbook that may also be useful include How Assertive Am I? (page 176); Active Listening (page 177); Choosing My Response (page 178); and Offering My Opinion (page 179).

HOW TO USE THESE ACTIVITIES A nonjudgemental stance is important in this work as people are often caught up in the blaming dynamic of conflict and are sensitive to feeling blamed themselves.

• Model the principle of shifting judgement to curiosity by being curious about their experiences and perspectives.

• Introduce alternative perspectives by using curious questions such as, “What would change if you responded differently?” or “How else might someone see this situation?” rather than lecturing the person on what they “should” do.

• Demonstrate empathy while at the same time encouraging them to step outside their perspective to look at new ways of responding to conflict.


HOW READY AM I TO HANDLE CONFLICT? 1 of 2

PURPOSE: This activity can help you identify areas of readiness to manage conflicts as well as areas where you can develop your skills.

INSTRUCTIONS: Using the scale provided, indicate how the statements below reflect your actions and feelings in situations that may lead to conflict.

1 = Rarely 2 = Seldom 3 = Occasionally 4 = Often 5 = Very often

I carefully choose which battles to fight and which to leave alone.

I am good at anticipating which direction a conversation will go.

I am sensitive to the feelings of others.

I am willing to have difficult conversations.

Others see me as a team player.

People would say that I handle conflict well.

I do not get involved in group politics or gossip.

I am not that concerned with being right.

I can usually tell when a conversation is going to be difficult.

I generally receive positive feedback from others regarding my communication.

I contribute to high morale in my group.

The rest of my group tells me I am good at communicating.

I like to practice and prepare for a difficult conversation before having one.

I provide constructive feedback to others.

Before beginning a difficult conversation, I like to consult with others.

Feedback from others is important for self-improvement.

People would say I am forthright and respectful when I am delivering bad news.

I appreciate the differences of others.

When an issue needs to be resolved, I like to address it directly.

I believe that it is important to help others maintain their dignity and self-respect.

Total:


SCORINGThis is not the “truth” about you, but it can help you think about how you manage conflict. For each item you scored, use these descriptions to assess your areas of strength and weakness:

0–1 These are areas that require attention to develop your ability to effectively have difficult conversations.

2–3 These are areas in which you have some comfort and are likely already working to strengthen your skills, but you are not satisfied with your level of competence yet.

4–5 Scores in this range indicate a high level of perceived competence. Don’t get too comfortable though – just like muscles, these skills deteriorate without practice.

INTERPRETING YOUR RESULTS

0–50 If your overall score is 50 or lower, ensure that you learn and practice conflict management skills. Choose two or three of your lower scores in particular to address as part of your development going forward.

51–80 A score in this range indicates some level of confidence when it comes to having difficult conversations, but you should be especially careful to do as much preparation as possible prior to conducting a conversation.

81–100 A score in this range suggests high levels of both competence and confidence. While there is always room for improvement (even with a score of 100), you could be well-suited to conduct effective difficult conversations.

HOW READY AM I TO HANDLE CONFLICT? 2 of 2


DIFFICULT CONVERSATION CHECKLIST

PURPOSE: This checklist can help guide your self-reflection and provide things to keep in mind when preparing for, beginning, and having a difficult conversation.

INSTRUCTIONS: Review the checklist before and after having a difficult conversation. It is not required that you practice everything on the checklist – choose what works best for you and the people you are talking to.

Preparing: Did you…

have clarity about why you were having the conversation?

remember to get curious?

plan the right time and place to have the conversation?

practice some mindful breathing?

Beginning: Did you…

open the conversation safely?

avoid trying to “win” the conversation?

help the other party feel safe?

set the tone?

treat the other person with respect?

have clarity about why you were there?

Delivering: Did you…

shift from judgement to curiosity?

let them talk?

problem-solve together?

acknowledge your feelings?

manage the emotions?

stay consistent?

stick to the facts?

demonstrate listening and understanding?

wait your turn?

validate?

apologize?

avoid getting defensive?

accept the silence?

address negative reactions?

preserve the relationship?

stay centred?

Concluding: Did you…

identify outcomes, solutions, or next steps?

make sure goals were specific, measurable, attainable,

reasonable, and timely (SMART)?

thank them for participating?

Follow up: Did you…

review outcomes, solutions, or next steps?


BELIEFS ABOUT CONFLICT

PURPOSE: Everyone has different beliefs about conflict based on their unique values, history, and personality. As such, it is vital for you to reflect on how your beliefs about conflict affect any disagreement you may find yourself in.

INSTRUCTIONS: Below are some of the beliefs that will influence how you respond to conflict. Note whether you agree or disagree with each, then answer the reflection questions for each of the beliefs you agree with or are unsure about.

Agree Disagree Unsure

People with power frequently win.

Conflict is bad.

It’s best to protect relationships with people, even if it costs me personally.

Women are more reasonable in conflicts.

Men are more reasonable in conflicts.

I have little influence on how conflicts will turn out.

Disagreements make me nervous.

It’s best to enter any conflict with low expectations.

Younger people are harder to deal with in a conflict.

Older people are harder to deal with in a conflict.

People have the best solutions to conflict within themselves.


1. Where did you learn this belief?

2. What maintains this belief for you? What would happen if this belief were changed?

3. What is the evidence for this belief?

4. How does holding this belief influence the way you respond to conflict?

5. How might changing this belief change the way you respond to conflict?


THE ROOTS OF CONFLICT

PURPOSE: Knowing the roots of conflict helps us understand what is happening to us and around us when we find ourselves in conflict.

INSTRUCTIONS: Follow the steps below to find out the roots of any conflict you are involved in.

1. The tree below has the three main causes of conflict written on its roots (personality differences, disagreements, and misunderstandings). Write your personal sources of conflict on the root cause that fits best for each.

2. On the leaves, write the results of unresolved conflict.

3. Add whatever images, colours, or words you would like around your tree.

Personality differences Disagreements

Misunderstandings


THE FIVE Ws OF CONFLICT

PURPOSE: When people do not have the skills to resolve conflict, it can escalate. Identifying the five Ws of a conflict can help you see how and where it can be reduced.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think about a recent conflict you are comfortable talking about. It might be with a friend, teacher, family member, or supervisor. Take some time to think about what was happening in the situation, and then answer the questions in the space provided below. Feel free to use pictures, images, or words.

What? A conflict is a disagreement or a difference of opinion that leads to tension.

When? Conflict is a natural part of relationships, so there is never going to be a time when you will be completely conflict free.

Where? Anywhere you interact with others, such as at home, at school, in your friend group, or at your job.

Who? Everyone has to deal with conflict.

Why? There are many sources of conflict, but the three main sources or “roots” of conflict are personality differences, disagreements, and misunderstandings.

Your Five Ws of Conflict

What happened?

When did it happen?

Where did it happen?

Who was there?

Why do you think it happened?


PLACES OF CONFLICT 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Conflict can take place within ourselves, between ourselves and others, within groups that affect us, or between groups. Recognizing these places of conflict can help us identify what is contributing to the conflict. This makes it easier to decide how to best approach the issue(s).

INSTRUCTIONS: Review the descriptions of the four most common places of conflict in the boxes below. Provide examples for each of your places of conflict in the space provided. You can use magazine pictures, words, or images.

Conflict within myself

• When hard things happen in our lives (like breakups, failing a class, or health problems), we feel the conflict within ourselves.

• This is an inner struggle – nobody knows about it unless we choose to share it.

• Even if we don’t share these conflicts, they can affect our attitude and mood.

Conflict within my group

• Sometimes whole groups of people choose to behave aggressively toward someone in their group. This negative behaviour sometimes becomes accepted as the norm.

• Someone becomes the scapegoat who is harassed or teased by the group.

Conflict with another person

• People are unique. We don’t all think alike, believe the same things, or communicate in the same manner. We all have our own opinions, likes, dislikes, ideas, and preferences.

• This type of conflict is between two people.

• This type of conflict includes differences of opinion, personality differences, and misunderstandings between individuals.

Conflict between groups

• This type of conflict is fostered when a group chooses to highlight their similarities with each other while magnifying the differences with another group.

• The groups in conflict build their sense of security by tearing down another group.

• The struggle may express itself in relational breakdowns or stereotyping.


Conflict within yourself

Conflict with others

Conflict within a group

Conflict between groups

PLACES OF CONFLICT 2 of 2


POSITIVE RESULTS OF WORKING THROUGH CONFLICT

PURPOSE: Reminding yourself of the positive results of addressing conflict will encourage you to work through conflicts as they arise.

INSTRUCTIONS: In the space below, create a tree or any image you like that represents the positive results of resolved conflict. On the roots, you can write some of the tools, tips, and steps you have found helpful for resolving conflict. On the leaves, write the positive outcomes of working through conflict. Some of these might include:

• We work together.

• We learn to trust each other.

• We learn new ways to respond to each other.

• We come to understand each other.

• We meet our own wants and needs.


CLEARING UP MISUNDERSTANDINGS

PURPOSE: A common source of conflict is when someone says or does something that is misunderstood or misinterpreted by someone else. The first step to clearing up a misunderstanding is to reflect on what other possible interpretations of the situation there might be.

INSTRUCTIONS: Using the table below, reflect on a recent conflict you were involved in or witnessed. Explore the possibility that some of the assumptions made about what was said or done were not what was intended.

The situation What they did What I thought and what I did

What was really going on

Walked by a group of people at the mall

Someone laughed I thought they were laughing at me so I gave them a nasty look and made a rude comment

Someone told a joke as I walked by and the group was laughing at the joke

Friend was having a party I wasn’t invited I felt hurt and that they purposefully excluded me so I decided that I would pay them back

The hosts each thought the other person had invited me


TWO SIDES TO A CONFLICT 1 of 2

PURPOSE: There are always two sides to a conflict. It is helpful to remember that the other person has their own feelings and perceptions, which may be very different from ours. In stretching our thoughts beyond ourselves, we can begin to see a bigger picture.

INSTRUCTIONS: Read the conflict scenario below and practice seeing both sides of the conflict. Imagine what both people might feel and do in that situation, and then think of a conflict you have had and consider how you felt about it, along with how the other person might have felt. Use the conflict descriptors to help you describe how you feel about each conflict.

Conflict descriptors

Afraid Angry Anxious Ashamed

Bitter Cautious Confused Depressed

Devastated Disappointed Distrustful Embarrassed

Fearful Frustrated Furious Guilty

Hateful Helpless Hopeless Hysterical

Indifferent Insecure Irritated Lonely

Miserable Optimistic Outraged Overwhelmed

Regretful Relieved Remorseful Sad

Scared Shocked Sick Sure

Surprised Suspicious Sympathetic Threatened

Tired Useless Violated Worried


Sample Conflict ScenarioYour side:You borrowed a shirt from a friend and stained it. You tried everything to clean it, but the stain on the front just won’t go away. You gave it back to your friend the other day, but they were too busy to talk about it at the time.

• Your perceptions: Now you are thinking maybe you should just leave it alone. They haven’t said anything, so maybe it’s not a big deal to them.

• Your feelings:

• Your actions:

The other side:You lent a special shirt to a friend. They returned it with a big stain on it. You have tried everything to get rid of it, but it just won’t go away.

• Your perceptions: You thought they would take better care of it and are surprised that they just gave it back to you without even saying something.

• Your feelings:

• Your actions:

My Conflict Scenario: Your side:

• You thought:

• You felt:

• You said:

The other side:

• They thought:

• They felt:

• They said:

TWO SIDES TO A CONFLICT 2 of 2


CHANGING DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIPS 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Use this activity to find new and more constructive ways of relating to people you experience as difficult or unreasonable.

INSTRUCTIONS: Read through the information below, and then follow the steps to change a difficult relationship by shifting your judgement to curiosity.

Cycle of escalating difficult behaviour

If you can change your side of this cycle, you can change the whole pattern!

A Word About Reasonable PeoplePeople often believe that they are reasonable – in other words, their own behaviour makes sense to them. However, people frequently act in ways that are perceived as unreasonable by those around them because they are thinking and experiencing things differently.

They act: the difficult person acts in a way that seems reasonable to them.

We interpret their actions as unreasonable.

We feel displeasure.

We judge them and their intentions.

We (re)act, often defensively, feeling we need to protect

ourselves or put things in balance.

They interpret our (re)action as unreasonable.

They feel displeasure.

They judge us and our intentions.

They react, often defensively.


Change the Way We Think: Shift Judgement to CuriosityThe key to interacting with most of the people we find unreasonable or difficult is for us to see them as reasonable. To do this, we must change the way we think by shifting our judgement to curiosity. This means examining what may be motivating the other person so we can approach them in a way that reduces their defensiveness as much as possible. Here is an example of shifting judgement to curiosity:

• Judgemental thought: She is so unreasonable. She’s a control freak!

• Curious questions: Why does she say that so strongly? Is there something she’s afraid of?

Steps for Dealing With Someone You Find Difficult

1. Picture a person you find difficult. Who do you see?

2. What is your relationship with them?

3. How would you describe them with only one word?

4. How do you feel when you picture them?

5. What specifically do they do that bothers you?

6. Describe the person in more detail:

7. Now identify some of the judgemental thoughts that you have had about the difficult person:

8. Now shift judgement to curiosity: What curious question(s) could you replace your judgemental


1. What are some of the actions or reactions you have taken with this person?

2. How might they have interpreted your actions in negative ways?

3. How has this contributed to the situation?

CHANGING DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIPS 2 of 2


REACTING TO CONFLICT 1 of 2

PURPOSE: Our initial reactions to conflict can often result in situations where there may appear to be a winner and a loser, but the conflict itself is not resolved. Understanding our reactions to conflict can help identify how to change them and increase the possibility of a solution where both parties can win.

INSTRUCTIONS: Review the descriptions of flight, fight, and focus in the boxes below. Think of a recent conflict you have witnessed and examine the reactions of the people involved and the outcome of the conflict. Then answer the reflection questions based on your personal experiences with conflict.

Reactions to conflict

Flight: I lose and you win Fight: I win and you lose Focus: We can both win

Thoughts We tell ourselves that we are not going to be heard or cared for, so we do not want to offer any ideas or share our feelings. We resign ourselves to an outcome of the conflict we will not like.

We do not think that we are going to be heard or cared for, so we will take care of the situation on our own. We become defensive and think only about our needs and wants.

When in focus mode, we know that our needs and wants are as valid as the needs and wants of others. We try to think about what we can do to make all those involved feel pleased about the outcome.

Actions Our top priority is to get away from the conflict. We will work really hard to remove ourselves from the tension. Sometimes we can physically remove ourselves, and other times we disconnect our mind from what is happening.

Our goal is to make sure we come out on top. We will do whatever it takes to make sure we get our way. We become aggressive, often raising our voices and/or talking over the other person.

When we are in focus mode, we want to treat others with respect and kindness, even if we are in conflict with them.

A Conflict I Have Witnessed

How did the people involved react?

Did they use flight, fight, or focus?


What was the outcome?

What could the outcome have been if they had responded differently?


1. What conflicts do you have at school or work? What do you think is the cause?

2. What conflicts do you have at home? What do you think is the cause?

3. What conflicts do you have in your community? What do you think is the cause?

4. Which conflicts are the hardest to deal with? Why?

5. What do you usually do in a conflict? Do you use flight, fight, or focus? What do you say? How do you act? What do you think?

6. Do you think the way you behave in conflict is helpful? Why or why not?

7. What else could you do or say?

REACTING TO CONFLICT 2 of 2


FOCUS ON “I” NOT “YOU”

PURPOSE: One of the most common mistakes we make during conflict is focusing too much of our attention on the other person. When we use “you” language, it causes defensiveness. Using “I” language helps because it avoids laying blame while opening the door to empathy.

INSTRUCTIONS: Think of an actual or hypothetical scenario in which you want to tell another person how their actions impacted you. Then practice writing an “I” statement for your scenario using the framework below.

“I” Statement Framework

• When you… (describe the action)

• I feel…because I… (state the effect without blame)

• What I would prefer is… (state your preference)

Example: “When you raise your voice, I feel agitated because I can’t concentrate. What I would prefer is for you to lower your voice so I can help you better.”

Shifting From “You” Language to “I” Language

• Typical “you” language: “You need to keep your dog under control!”

• Reframed to “I” language: “When I push my stroller past your fence, the dog barks and wakes up my napping child, causing me and my child all kinds of distress. I’m wondering what could be done to solve that problem.”

Your Scenario

• When you

• I feel because I

• What I would prefer is

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PRINTING INSTRUCTIONS

This is a copyrighted work; however, you are invited to copy and distribute these activities for use with the people you support. These activities are also available on our website at www.ctrinstitute.com/workbook. To access the downloadable PDF copy of the book, you will be asked to provide your email address and the download code ctriwbca (this code is intended to be used only by people who have purchased the book).

Once you have downloaded the PDF, navigate to the activity you would like to print using the “Bookmarks” tab in your PDF viewer. Then right click on the activity you’d like to print and choose “Print Page(s).” You can also print an entire section of the book by choosing the “Print Section(s)” option.

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I am deeply thankful for the dedication and outstanding work of the many people who have been involved in this project. It truly takes a village to raise a book.

I want to thank the many contributors who developed these activities. In particular, I want to acknowledge Vicki Enns and Wendy Loewen for the many activities that they developed and are part of this book. In addition, there are many other authors and trainers who developed the original concept for one or more of these activities including Trish Harper (Building a Coping Toolkit), Anne Marie Churchill (Identifying Body Clues, Progressive Muscle Relaxation), Tricia Klassen (My Safety Plan), Michelle Gibson (Resource Emotion List, Pendulation Activity), Sheri Coburn (Making the Mind–Body Connection, What Roles Do We Play?), Amber Dalsin (Goal Setting for Substance Use, Coping With Emotions, Managing Problematic Substance Use Thoughts), Elaine Conrad (My Parenting Strengths), John Koop Harder (Parenthood: Mapping Circles of Influence), Lori McIsaac Bewsher (Connecting Children’s Needs to Resources), Jody Lambert (Relationship Circle Activity), and Carl Heaman-Warne (Blended Family Life Cycle Matrix).

Thank you to Michelle Bentley, Vicki Enns, Nadine Groves, Randy Grieser, and Heidi Grieser, who took the time to read, review, and provide feedback on the manuscript. I’m grateful for the skill and input of Tyler Voth, who helped compile the book, proofread, and track the thousands of details. I am deeply thankful for the care and watchful eyes of our copy editor, Tim Runtz, who always kept a solid and steady head, and for our proofreader, Aiden Enns.

A huge thank you to Lisa Friesen. Her creativity and professionalism allowed us to agree on a wonderful book cover and have a beautiful interior design.

Wilma

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Our trainers are not only specialists in their fields, but also dynamic speakers who deliver content-oriented presentations that are both engaging and informative. Choose from over 60 workshop topics in the areas of trauma, counselling skills, mental health, and violence prevention. You can access training three different ways:

ONLINE TRAININGNo matter where you live, you can easily access one-hour webinars and full-day workshops right from your desk. When you attend live virtual workshops and webinars, you can actively engage with trainers and other participants. Alternatively, you can purchase previously recorded on-demand workshops and webinars.

IN-PERSON WORKSHOPSWe offer workshops throughout the year in various locations that are open to anyone who wants to attend. Visit our website to find out which workshops are being offered near you.

PRIVATE/ON-LOCATION TRAININGTraining offered just for your group – virtually or on-location, right where you are. If you have a group of people to train, private/on-location training is often the most cost-effective and convenient way to obtain training. Our workshops can be customized and tailored to meet your specific needs.

For more information:

[email protected]

SPEAKING AND TRAINING


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A project of the Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute (CTRI)




THE GOAL OF COUNSELLING IS TO SUPPORT PEOPLE as they move toward their goals of managing themselves, their life issues, and their relationships. For helpers and counsellors, one way to provide this support is to use experiential learning activities to facilitate the development of new insights and skills.

This book contains a wide variety of counselling resources based on an equally diverse range of counselling theories, including cognitive behavioural, narrative, family systems, and mindfulness. The resources are formatted as handouts that can be copied or printed and given to the person you are supporting. Activities include questionnaires, worksheets, reflective exercises, mapping activities, safety plans, and coping strategies. Most of the resources are applicable to many issues, while others have a more specific focus and can be assigned in sequence so that their insights and strategies build on each other.

This workbook is designed for helpers and counsellors to use in the context of a helping relationship, where additional depth and guidance can be provided – it is not a self-help book. By providing multiple resources to draw upon, this book supports helpers and counsellors to feel more confident as they support others.

The activities in this workbook are suitable for working with people 16 years of age and older. All activities can either be photocopied or you can access printable PDFs on our website.

Wilm

a Schroeder

$29.99 CAN $24.99 USA

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WORKBOOK

ABOUT THE EDITORWilma Schroeder is a trainer and consultant with the Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute. She is a family therapist and former mental health nurse, and she holds a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.


This workbook has something for almost every person. It’s well organized so you can quickly reference the skills and techniques that will be most useful.

—Anne Whitford Fast, Psychotherapist, A Healing Journey

What a wonderful, well-organized, and practical workbook! It covers a wide range of counselling concerns and provides clear strategies that are suitable for many different ages.

—Denise Sargeant, Marriage and Family Therapist

This is a wonderful addition to any counsellor’s bookshelf. The activities are relevant to many aspects of treatment and are easy to use with people of all abilities.

—Sarah Philbrick-Djerfi, Social Worker

Documents

THE GOAL OF COUNSELLING IS TO SUPPORT PEOPLE …