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TheGentleGrafterO.Henry

Illustratedby:H.C.GreeningandMayWilsonPreston

Doubleday,PageandCompany,NewYork,1918

“Theybegantocuss,amiable,andthrowdowndollars.”

Illustratedby

H.C.GreeningandMayWilsonPreston

1918

CONTENTS

THEOCTOPUSMAROONED

JEFFPETERSASAPERSONALMAGNET

MODERNRURALSPORTSTHECHAIROFPHILANTHROMATHEMATICS

THEHANDTHATRILESTHEWORLD

THEEXACTSCIENCEOFMATRIMONY

AMIDSUMMERMASQUERADE

SHEARINGTHEWOLF

INNOCENTSOFBROADWAY

CONSCIENCEINART

THEMANHIGHERUP

ATEMPEREDWIND

HOSTAGESTOMOMUS

THEETHICSOFPIG

THEOCTOPUSMAROONED

“Atrustisitsweakestpoint,”saidJeffPeters.

“That,” said I, “sounds like one of those unintelligible remarks such as, ‘Why is apoliceman?’”

“It is not,” said Jeff. “There are no relations between a trust and a policeman.Myremarkwasanepitogram—anaxis—akindofmulct’eminparvo.Whatitmeansisthatatrustislikeanegg,anditisnotlikeanegg.Ifyouwanttobreakaneggyouhavetodoitfromtheoutside.Theonlywaytobreakupa trust is fromthe inside.Keepsittingonituntil it hatches. Look at the brood of young colleges and libraries that’s chirping andpeepingalloverthecountry.Yes,sir,everytrustbearsinitsownbosomtheseedsofitsdestructionlikearoosterthatcrowsnearaGeorgiacoloredMethodistcampmeeting,oraRepublicanannouncinghimselfacandidateforgovernorofTexas.”

IaskedJeff,jestingly,ifhehadever,duringhischeckered,plaided,mottled,piedanddappledcareer, conductedanenterpriseof theclass towhich theword“trust”hadbeenapplied.Somewhattomysurpriseheacknowledgedthecorner.

“Once,”saidhe.“AndthestatesealofNewJerseyneverbitintoacharterthatopenedupasoliderandsaferpieceof legitimateoctopusing.Wehadeverything inour favor—wind,water,police,nerve,andacleanmonopolyofanarticleindispensabletothepublic.

Therewasn’tatrustbusterontheglobethatcouldhavefoundaweakspotinourscheme.ItmadeRockefeller’slittlekerosenespeculationlooklikeabucketshop.Butwelostout.”

“Someunforeseenoppositioncameup,Isuppose,”Isaid.

“No,sir,itwasjustasIsaid.Wewereself-curbed.Itwasacaseofauto-suppression.Therewasariftwithintheloot,asAlbertTennysonsays.

“YourememberItoldyouthatmeandAndyTuckerwaspartnersforsomeyears.ThatmanwasthemosttalentedconniveratstratagemsIeversaw.Wheneverhesawadollarinanotherman’shandshetookitasapersonalgrudge,ifhecouldn’ttakeitanyotherway.Andywaseducated,too,besideshavingalotofusefulinformation.Hehadacquiredabigamountofexperienceoutofbooks,andcouldtalkforhoursonanysubjectconnectedwithideasanddiscourse.HehadbeenineverylineofgraftfromlecturingonPalestinewithalot of magic lantern pictures of the annual Custom-made Clothiers’ Associationconvention at Atlantic City to flooding Connecticut with bogus wood alcohol distilledfromnutmegs.

“OneSpringmeandAndyhadbeenover inMexicoonaflying tripduringwhichaPhiladelphiacapitalisthadpaidus$2,500forahalfinterestinasilvermineinChihuahua.Oh,yes,theminewasallright.Theotherhalfinterestmusthavebeenworthtwoorthreethousand.Ioftenwonderedwhoownedthatmine.

“In comingback to theUnitedStatesmeandAndy stubbedour toes against a littletowninTexasonthebankoftheRioGrande.ThenameofitwasBirdCity;butitwasn’t.Thetownhadabout2,000inhabitants,mostlymen.Ifiguredoutthattheirprincipalmeansofexistencewasinlivingclosetotallchaparral.Someof‘emwerestockmenandsomegamblersandsomehorsepeculatorsandplentywereinthesmugglingline.MeandAndyput up at a hotel that was built like something between a roof-garden and a sectionalbookcase. Itbegan to rain thedaywegot there.As thesaying is, JuniperAquariuswassureturningonthewaterplugsonMountAmphibious.

“Now,therewerethreesaloonsinBirdCity,thoughneitherAndynormedrank.Butwecouldseethetownspeoplemakingatriangularprocessionfromonetoanotheralldayandhalf thenight.Everybodyseemed toknowwhat todowithasmuchmoneyas theyhad.

“The third day of the rain it slacked up awhile in the afternoon, so me and Andywalkedouttotheedgeoftowntoviewthemudscape.BirdCitywasbuiltbetweentheRioGrandeandadeepwidearroyothatusedtobetheoldbedoftheriver.Thebankbetweenthestreamanditsoldbedwascrackingandgivingaway,whenwesawit,onaccountofthehighwatercausedbytherain.Andylooksatitalongtime.Thatman’sintellectswasneveridle.Andthenheunfoldstomeainstantaneousideathathasoccurredtohim.Righttherewasorganizedatrust;andwewalkedbackintotownandputitonthemarket.

“FirstwewenttothemainsalooninBirdCity,calledtheBlueSnake,andboughtit.Itcostus$1,200.And thenwedropped in, casual, atMexican Joe’splace, referred to therain,andboughthimoutfor$500.Theotheronecameeasyat$400.

“ThenextmorningBirdCitywokeupandfounditselfanisland.Theriverhadbustedthrough itsoldchannel, and the townwassurroundedby roaring torrents.The rainwasstill raining, and therewas heavy clouds in the northwest that presaged about sixmoremeanannualrainfallsduringthenexttwoweeks.Buttheworstwasyettocome.

“Bird City hopped out of its nest, waggled its pin feathers and strolled out for itsmatutinaltoot.Lo!MexicanJoe’splacewasclosedandlikewisetheotherlittle‘dobelifesavingstation.So,naturallythebodypoliticemitsthirstyejaculationsofsurpriseandportshellumfortheBlueSnake.Andwhatdoesitfindthere?

“Behindoneendof thebar sits JeffersonPeters, octopus,with a sixshooteroneachside of him, ready to make change or corpses as the case may be. There are threebartenders;andonthewallisatenfootsignreading:‘AllDrinksOneDollar.’Andysitson the safe inhisneatblue suit andgold-bandedcigar,on the lookout foremergencies.The townmarshal is therewith two deputies to keep order, having been promised freedrinksbythetrust.

“Well, sir, it took Bird City just ten minutes to realize that it was in a cage. Weexpected trouble; but therewasn’t any. The citizens saw thatwe had ‘em. The nearestrailroadwasthirtymilesaway;anditwouldbetwoweeksatleastbeforetheriverwouldbe fordable. So they began to cuss, amiable, and throw down dollars on the bar till itsoundedlikeaselectiononthexylophone.

“There was about 1,500 grown-up adults in Bird City that had arrived at years ofindiscretion;andthemajorityof‘emrequiredfromthreetotwentydrinksadaytomakelifeendurable.TheBlueSnakewastheonlyplacewheretheycouldget‘emtillthefloodsubsided.Itwasbeautifulandsimpleasalltrulygreatswindlesare.

“Aboutteno’clockthesilverdollarsdroppingonthebarsloweddowntoplayingtwo-stepsandmarchesinsteadofjigs.ButIlookedoutthewindowandsawahundredortwoofourcustomersstandinginlineatBirdCitySavingsandLoanCo.,andIknewtheywereborrowingmoremoneytobesuckedinbytheclammytendrilsoftheoctopus.

“At the fashionable hour of noon everybody went home to dinner. We told thebartenderstotakeadvantageofthelull,anddothesame.ThenmeandAndycountedthereceipts.Wehad taken in$1,300.Wecalculated that ifBirdCitywouldonly remainanislandfortwoweeksthetrustwouldbeabletoendowtheChicagoUniversitywithanewdormitory of padded cells for the faculty, and present everyworthy poorman inTexaswithafarm,providedhefurnishedthesiteforit.

“Andy was especial inroaded by self-esteem at our success, the rudiments of theschemehavingoriginatedinhisownsurmisesandpremonitions.Hegotoffthesafeandlitthebiggestcigarinthehouse.

“Andywasespecialinroadedbyself-esteem.”

“‘Jeff,’ says he, ‘I don’t suppose that anywhere in the world you could find threecormorantswithbrighterideasaboutdown-treadingtheproletariatthanthefirmofPeters,SatanandTucker,incorporated.Wehavesurehandedthesmallconsumeragiantblowinthesoleapoplecticregion.No?’

“‘Well,’ says I, ‘itdoes lookas ifwewouldhave to takeupgastritis andgolforbemeasured forkilts in spiteofourselves.This little turn inbug juice is,verily, all to theSkibo.AndIcanstandit,’saysI,‘I’dratherbattenthanbantanyday.’

“Andy pours himself out four fingers of our best rye and does with it as was sointended.ItwasthefirstdrinkIhadeverknownhimtotake.

“‘Bywayofliberation,’sayshe,‘tothegods.’

“Andthenafter thusdoingumbrageto theheathendiabeteshedrinksanother tooursuccess.And thenhebegins to toast the trade,beginningwithRaisuli and theNorthernPacific, and on down the line to the little ones like the school book combine and theoleomargarineoutragesandtheLehighValleyandGreatScottCoalFederation.

“‘It’sallright,Andy,’saysI,‘todrinkthehealthofourbrothermonopolists,butdon’toverdothewassail.Youknowourmosteminentandloathedmulti-corruptionistsliveonweakteaanddogbiscuits.’

“Andywentinthebackroomawhileandcameoutdressedinhisbestclothes.There

wasakindofmurderousandsoulfullookofgentleriotousnessinhiseyethatIdidn’tlike.Iwatchedhimtoseewhatturnthewhiskeywasgoingtotakeinhim.Therearetwotimeswhenyounevercantellwhatisgoingtohappen.Oneiswhenamantakeshisfirstdrink;andtheotheriswhenawomantakesherlatest.

“InlessthananhourAndy’sskatehadturnedtoaniceyacht.Hewasoutwardlydecentand managed to preserve his aquarium, but inside he was impromptu and full ofunexpectedness.

“‘Jeff,’sayshe,‘doyouknowthatI’macrater—alivingcrater?’

“‘That’s a self-evidenthypothesis,’ says I. ‘Butyou’renot Irish.Whydon’tyou say‘creature,’accordingtotherulesandsyntaxofAmerica?’

“‘I’m the craterof avolcano,’ sayshe. ‘I’mall aflameandcrammed insidewith anassortmentofwordsandphrases thathavegot tohaveanexodus. Icanfeelmillionsofsynonymsandpartsof speech rising inme,’ sayshe, ‘and I’vegot tomakeaspeechofsomesort.Drink,’saysAndy,‘alwaysdrivesmetooratory.’

“‘Itcoulddonoworse,’saysI.

“‘Frommyearliest recollections,’ sayshe, ‘alcoholseemed tostimulatemysenseofrecitationandrhetoric.Why,inBryan’ssecondcampaign,’saysAndy,‘theyusedtogivemethreeginrickeysandI’dspeaktwohourslongerthanBillyhimselfcouldonthesilverquestion.Finally,theypersuadedmetotakethegoldcure.’

“‘Ifyou’vegottogetridofyourexcessverbiage,’saysI,‘whynotgooutontheriverbankandspeakapiece?Itseemstometherewasanoldspell-bindernamedCantharidesthatusedtogoanddisincorporatehimselfofhiswindynumbersalongtheseashore.’

“‘No,’saysAndy,‘Imusthaveanaudience.I feel like if IonceturnedloosepeoplewouldbegintocallSenatorBeveridgetheGrandYoungSphinxoftheWabash.I’vegottogetanaudiencetogether,Jeff,andgetthisoraldistensionassuagedoritmayturninonmeand I’d go about feeling like a deckle-edge edition de luxe of Mrs. E. D. E. N.Southworth.’

“‘Onwhat special subject of the theorems and topics does your desire for vocalityseemtobeconnectedwith?’Iasks.

“‘Iain’tparticular,’saysAndy.‘Iamequallygoodandvaricoseonallsubjects.IcantakeupthematterofRussianimmigration,orthepoetryofJohnW.Keats,orthetariff,orKabyle literature, or drainage, andmakemyaudienceweep, cry, sob and shed tears byturns.’

“‘Well,Andy,’saysI,‘ifyouareboundtogetridofthisaccumulationofvernacularsupposeyougooutintownandworkitonsomeindulgentcitizen.Meandtheboyswilltakecareofthebusiness.Everybodywillbethroughdinnerprettysoon,andsaltporkandbeansmakesamanprettythirsty.Weoughttotakein$1,500morebymidnight.’

“SoAndygoesoutof theBlueSnake,andIseehimstoppingmenonthestreetandtalkingto‘em.Byandbyhehashalfadozeninabunchlisteningtohim;andprettysoonI

seehimwavinghisarmsandelocutingatagood-sizedcrowdonacorner.Whenhewalksawaytheystringoutafterhim,talkingallthetime;andheleads‘emdownthemainstreetofBirdCitywithmoremenjoiningtheprocessionastheygo.Itremindedmeoftheoldlegerdemain that I’d read in books about the Pied Piper of Heidsieck charming thechildrenawayfromthetown.

“Andheleads‘emdownthemainstreetofBirdCity.”

“Oneo’clockcame;and then two;and threegotunder thewire forplace;andnotaBird citizen came in for a drink. The streetswere deserted except for some ducks andladiesgoingtothestores.Therewasonlyalightdrizzlefallingthen.

“A lonesomeman came along and stopped in front of theBlueSnake to scrape themudoffhisboots.

“‘Pardner,’ says I, ‘whathashappened?Thismorning therewashecticgaiety afoot;andnowitseemsmorelikeoneofthemruinedcitiesofTyreandSiphonwherethelonelizardcrawlsonthewallsofthemainport-cullis.’

“‘Thewholetown,’saysthemuddyman,‘isupinSperry’swoolwarehouselisteningto your side-kickermake a speech.He is some gravy on delivering himself of audiblesoundsrelatingtomattersandconclusions,’saystheman.

“‘Well,Ihopehe’lladjourn,sinequanon,prettysoon,’saysI,‘fortradelanguishes.’

“Not a customer didwe have that afternoon.At six o’clock twoMexicans broughtAndy to the saloon lying across the back of a burro.We put him in bedwhile he stillmutteredandgesticulatedwithhishandsandfeet.

“ThenIlockedupthecashandwentouttoseewhathadhappened.Imetamanwhotoldmeallaboutit.AndyhadmadethefinesttwohourspeechthathadeverbeenheardinTexas,hesaid,oranywhereelseintheworld.

“‘Whatwasitabout?’Iasked.

“‘Temperance,’sayshe.‘Andwhenhegotthrough,everymaninBirdCitysignedthepledgeforayear.’”

JEFFPETERSASAPERSONALMAGNET

Jeff Peters has been engaged in as many schemes for making money as there arerecipesforcookingriceinCharleston,S.C.

BestofallIliketohearhimtellofhisearlierdayswhenhesoldlinimentsandcoughcures on street corners, living hand tomouth, heart to heart with the people, throwingheadsortailswithfortuneforhislastcoin.

“IstruckFisherHill,Arkansaw,”saidhe,“inabuckskinsuit,moccasins,longhairanda thirty-caratdiamondring that Igot fromanactor inTexarkana. Idon’tknowwhatheeverdidwiththepocketknifeIswappedhimforit.

“IwasDr.Waugh-hoo,thecelebratedIndianmedicineman.Icarriedonlyonebestbetjust then,and thatwasResurrectionBitters. Itwasmadeof life-givingplantsandherbsaccidentally discovered by Ta-qua-la, the beautiful wife of the chief of the ChoctawNation,whilegatheringtrucktogarnishaplatterofboileddogfortheannualcorndance.

“Businesshadn’tbeengoodinthelasttown,soIonlyhadfivedollars.IwenttotheFisherHilldruggistandhecreditedmeforhalfagrossofeight-ouncebottlesandcorks.Ihadthelabelsandingredientsinmyvalise,leftoverfromthelasttown.Lifebegantolookrosy again after I got in my hotel room with the water running from the tap, and theResurrectionBitterslininguponthetablebythedozen.

“Lifebegantolookrosyagain…”

“Fake?No,sir.Therewastwodollars’worthoffluidextractofcinchonaandadime’sworthofanilineinthathalf-grossofbitters.I’vegonethroughtownsyearsafterwardsandhadfolksaskfor‘emagain.

“IhiredawagonthatnightandcommencedsellingthebittersonMainStreet.FisherHillwasalow,malarialtown;andacompoundhypotheticalpneumocardiacanti-scorbutictonic was just what I diagnosed the crowd as needing. The bitters started off likesweetbreads-on-toast at a vegetarian dinner. I had sold two dozen at fifty cents apiecewhenIfeltsomebodypullmycoattail.Iknewwhatthatmeant;soIclimbeddownandsneakedafivedollarbillintothehandofamanwithaGermansilverstaronhislapel.

“I…commencedsellingthebittersonMainStreet.”

“‘Constable,’saysI,‘it’safinenight.’

“‘Haveyougotacitylicense,’heasks,‘tosellthisillegitimateessenceofspoojuthatyouflatterbythenameofmedicine?’

“‘Ihavenot,’saysI.‘Ididn’tknowyouhadacity.IfIcanfinditto-morrowI’lltakeoneoutifit’snecessary.’

“‘I’llhavetocloseyouuptillyoudo,’saystheconstable.

“Iquitsellingandwentbacktothehotel.Iwastalkingtothelandlordaboutit.

“‘Oh,youwon’tstandnoshowinFisherHill,’sayshe.‘Dr.Hoskins,theonlydoctorhere,isabrother-in-lawoftheMayor,andtheywon’tallownofakedoctortopracticeintown.’

“‘Idon’tpracticemedicine,’saysI,‘I’vegotaStatepeddler’slicense,andItakeoutacityonewherevertheydemandit.’

“IwenttotheMayor’sofficethenextmorningandtheytoldmehehadn’tshowedupyet.Theydidn’tknowwhenhe’dbedown.SoDocWaugh-hoohunchesdownagaininahotelchairandlightsajimpson-weedregalia,andwaits.

“Byandbyayoungmaninabluenecktieslipsintothechairnexttomeandasksthetime.

“‘Half-pastten,’saysI,‘andyouareAndyTucker.I’veseenyouwork.Wasn’tityou

thatputuptheGreatCupidCombinationpackageontheSouthernStates?Let’ssee,itwasaChiliandiamondengagementring,aweddingring,apotatomasher,abottleofsoothingsyrupandDorothyVernon—allforfiftycents.’

“AndywaspleasedtohearthatIrememberedhim.Hewasagoodstreetman;andhewasmorethanthat—herespectedhisprofession,andhewassatisfiedwith300percent.profit.Hehadplentyofofferstogointotheillegitimatedrugandgardenseedbusiness;buthewasnevertobetemptedoffofthestraightpath.

“Iwantedapartner,soAndyandmeagreed togoout together. I toldhimabout thesituation in Fisher Hill and how finances was low on account of the local mixture ofpolitics and jalap. Andy had just got in on the train that morning. He was pretty lowhimself, and was going to canvass the whole town for a few dollars to build a newbattleshipbypopularsubscriptionatEurekaSprings.Sowewentoutandsatontheporchandtalkeditover.

“The nextmorning at eleven o’clockwhen Iwas sitting there alone, anUncleTomshuffles into the hotel and asked for the doctor to come and see JudgeBanks, who, itseems,wasthemayorandamightysickman.

“‘I’mnodoctor,’saysI.‘Whydon’tyougoandgetthedoctor?’

“‘Boss,’sayshe.‘DocHoskinsamdonegonetwentymilesindecountrytoseesomesickpersons.He’sdeonlydoctorindetown,andMassaBanksampowerfulbadoff.Hesentmetoaxyoutoplease,suh,come.’

“‘Asmantoman,’saysI,‘I’llgoandlookhimover.’SoIputabottleofResurrectionBittersinmypocketandgoesuponthehill tothemayor’smansion,thefinesthouseintown,withamansardroofandtwocastirondogsonthelawn.

“ThisMayorBankswasinbedallbuthiswhiskersandfeet.HewasmakinginternalnoisesthatwouldhavehadeverybodyinSanFranciscohikingfortheparks.Ayoungmanwasstandingbythebedholdingacupofwater.

“‘Doc,’ says theMayor, ‘I’mawful sick. I’mabout todie.Can’tyoudonothing forme?’

“‘Mr.Mayor,’saysI,‘I’mnotaregularpreordaineddiscipleofS.Q.Lapius.Inevertookacourseinamedicalcollege,’saysI.‘I’vejustcomeasafellowmantoseeifIcouldbeoffassistance.’

“‘I’mdeeplyobliged,’sayshe. ‘DocWaugh-hoo, this ismynephew,Mr.Biddle.Hehastriedtoalleviatemydistress,butwithoutsuccess.Oh,Lordy!Ow-ow-ow!!’hesingsout.

“InodsatMr.Biddleandsetsdownbythebedandfeelsthemayor’spulse.‘Letmeseeyourliver—yourtongue,Imean,’saysI.ThenIturnsupthelidsofhiseyesandlooksclosethatthepupilsof‘em.

“‘Howlonghaveyoubeensick?’Iasked.

“‘Iwastakendown—ow-ouch—lastnight,’saystheMayor.‘Gimmesomethingforit,

doc,won’tyou?’

“‘Mr.Fiddle,’saysI,‘raisethewindowshadeabit,willyou?’

“‘Biddle,’says theyoungman.‘Doyoufeel likeyoucouldeatsomehamandeggs,UncleJames?’

“‘Mr.Mayor,’ says I, after layingmy ear to his right shoulder blade and listening,‘you’vegotabadattackofsuper-inflammationoftherightclavicleoftheharpsichord!’

“‘Good Lord!’ says he, with a groan, ‘Can’t you rub something on it, or set it oranything?’

“Ipicksupmyhatandstartsforthedoor.

“‘Youain’tgoing,doc?’saystheMayorwithahowl.‘Youain’tgoingawayandleavemetodiewiththis—superfluityoftheclapboards,areyou?’

“‘Commonhumanity,Dr.Whoa-ha,’saysMr.Biddle,‘oughttopreventyourdesertingafellow-humanindistress.’

“‘Dr.Waugh-hoo,whenyougetthroughplowing,’saysI.AndthenIwalksbacktothebedandthrowsbackmylonghair.

“‘Mr.Mayor,’saysI,‘thereisonlyonehopeforyou.Drugswilldoyounogood.Butthereisanotherpowerhigheryet,althoughdrugsarehighenough,’saysI.

“‘Andwhatisthat?’sayshe.

“‘Scientificdemonstrations,’saysI.‘Thetriumphofmindoversarsaparilla.Thebeliefthat there is no pain and sickness exceptwhat is producedwhenwe ain’t feelingwell.Declareyourselfinarrears.Demonstrate.’

“‘What is this paraphernalia you speak of, Doc?’ says the Mayor. ‘You ain’t aSocialist,areyou?’

“‘I am speaking,’ says I, ‘of the great doctrine of psychic financiering—of theenlightened school of long-distance, sub-conscientious treatment of fallacies andmeningitis—ofthatwonderfulin-doorsportknownaspersonalmagnetism.’

“‘Canyouworkit,doc?’askstheMayor.

“‘I’moneoftheSoleSanhedrimsandOstensibleHooplasoftheInnerPulpit,’saysI.‘The lame talk and theblind rubberwhenever Imakeapass at ‘em. I amamedium, acoloraturahypnotistandaspirituouscontrol.ItwasonlythroughmeattherecentseancesatAnnArborthatthelatepresidentoftheVinegarBittersCompanycouldrevisittheearthtocommunicatewithhissisterJane.Youseemepeddlingmedicineonthestreet,’saysI,‘tothepoor.Idon’tpracticepersonalmagnetismonthem.Idonotdragitinthedust,’saysI,‘becausetheyhaven’tgotthedust.’

“‘Willyoutreatmycase?’askstheMayor.

“‘Listen,’ says I. ‘I’vehadagooddealof troublewithmedical societieseverywhereI’ve been. I don’t practice medicine. But, to save your life, I’ll give you the psychic

treatmentifyou’llagreeasmayornottopushthelicensequestion.’

“‘OfcourseIwill,’sayshe.‘Andnowgettowork,doc,forthempainsarecomingonagain.’

“‘Myfeewillbe$250.00,cureguaranteedintwotreatments,’saysI.

“‘Allright,’saystheMayor.‘I’llpayit.Iguessmylife’sworththatmuch.’

“Isatdownbythebedandlookedhimstraightintheeye.

“‘Now,’saysI,‘getyourmindoffthedisease.Youain’tsick.Youhaven’tgotaheartor a clavicle or a funny bone or brains or anything.You haven’t got any pain.Declareerror.Nowyoufeelthepainthatyoudidn’thaveleaving,don’tyou?’

“‘Idofeelsomelittlebetter,doc,’saystheMayor,‘darnedifIdon’t.Nowstateafewliesaboutmynothavingthisswellinginmyleftside,andIthinkIcouldbeproppedupandhavesomesausageandbuckwheatcakes.’

“Imadeafewpasseswithmyhands.

“‘Now,’saysI,‘theinflammation’sgone.Therightlobeoftheperihelionhassubsided.You’re getting sleepy. You can’t hold your eyes open any longer. For the present thediseaseischecked.Now,youareasleep.’

“TheMayorshuthiseyesslowlyandbegantosnore.

“‘Youobserve,Mr.Tiddle,’saysI,‘thewondersofmodernscience.’

“‘Biddle,’ says he, ‘When will you give uncle the rest of the treatment, Dr. Pooh-pooh?’

“‘Waugh-hoo,’ says I. ‘I’ll comebackat eleven to-morrow.Whenhewakesupgivehimeightdropsofturpentineandthreepoundsofsteak.Goodmorning.’

“ThenextmorningIwasbackontime.‘Well,Mr.Riddle,’saysI,whenheopenedthebedroomdoor,‘andhowisunclethismorning?’

“‘Heseemsmuchbetter,’saystheyoungman.

“Themayor’scolorandpulsewasfine.Igavehimanothertreatment,andhesaidthelastofthepainlefthim.

“‘Now,’saysI,‘you’dbetterstayinbedforadayortwo,andyou’llbeallright.It’sagoodthingIhappenedtobeinFisherHill,Mr.Mayor,’saysI,‘foralltheremediesinthecornucopia that the regular schoolsofmedicineuse couldn’t have savedyou.Andnowthaterrorhasflewandpainprovedaperjurer,let’salludetoacheerfullersubject—saythefeeof$250.Nochecks,please,IhatetowritemynameonthebackofacheckalmostasbadasIdoonthefront.’

“‘I’vegotthecashhere,’saysthemayor,pullingapocketbookfromunderhispillow.

“Hecountsoutfivefifty-dollarnotesandholds‘eminhishand.

“‘Bringthereceipt,’hesaystoBiddle.

“Isignedthereceiptandthemayorhandedmethemoney.Iputitinmyinsidepocketcareful.

“‘Nowdoyourduty,officer,’saysthemayor,grinningmuchunlikeasickman.

“Mr.Biddlelayshishandonmyarm.

“‘You’reunderarrest,Dr.Waugh-hoo,aliasPeters,’sayshe,‘forpractisingmedicinewithoutauthorityundertheStatelaw.’

“‘Whoareyou?’Iasks.

“‘I’lltellyouwhoheis,’saysMr.Mayor,sittingupinbed.‘He’sadetectiveemployedbytheStateMedicalSociety.He’sbeenfollowingyouoverfivecounties.Hecametomeyesterday and we fixed up this scheme to catch you. I guess you won’t do any moredoctoring around these parts, Mr. Fakir.What was it you said I had, doc?’ the mayorlaughs,‘compound—well,itwasn’tsofteningofthebrain,Iguess,anyway.’

“‘Adetective,’saysI.

“‘Correct,’saysBiddle.‘I’llhavetoturnyouovertothesheriff.’

“‘Let’sseeyoudoit,’saysI,andIgrabsBiddlebythethroatandhalfthrowshimoutthewindow,buthepullsagunandsticksitundermychin,andIstandstill.Thenheputshandcuffsonme,andtakesthemoneyoutofmypocket.

“AndIgrabsBiddlebythethroat.”

“‘Iwitness,’ sayshe, ‘that they’re the samebankbills thatyouand Imarked, JudgeBanks. I’ll turn themover to thesheriffwhenweget tohisoffice,andhe’llsendyouareceipt.They’llhavetobeusedasevidenceinthecase.’

“‘Allright,Mr.Biddle,’saysthemayor.‘Andnow,DocWaugh-hoo,’hegoeson,‘whydon’tyoudemonstrate?Can’tyoupullthecorkoutofyourmagnetismwithyourteethand

hocus-pocusthemhandcuffsoff?’

“‘Comeon,officer,’saysI,dignified.‘Imayaswellmakethebestofit.’AndthenIturnstooldBanksandrattlesmychains.

“‘Mr. Mayor,’ says I, ‘the time will come soon when you’ll believe that personalmagnetismisasuccess.Andyou’llbesurethatitsucceededinthiscase,too.’

“AndIguessitdid.

“Whenwe got nearly to the gate, I says: ‘Wemightmeet somebody now, Andy. Ireckonyoubettertake‘emoff,and—’Hey?Why,ofcourseitwasAndyTucker.Thatwashisscheme;andthat’showwegotthecapitaltogointobusinesstogether.”

MODERNRURALSPORTS

JeffPetersmustbe reminded.Wheneverhe iscalledupon,pointedly, fora story,hewill maintain that his life has been as devoid of incident as the longest of Trollope’snovels.Butlured,hewilldivulge.ThereforeIcastmanyanddiversfliesuponthecurrentofhisthoughtsbeforeIfeelanibble.

“Inotice,” said I, “that theWestern farmers, in spiteof theirprosperity, are runningaftertheiroldpopulisticidolsagain.”

“It’s the running season,” said Jeff, “for farmers, shad, maple trees and theConnemaughriver.Iknowsomethingaboutfarmers.IthoughtIstruckoneoncethathadgotoutoftherut;butAndyTuckerprovedtomeIwasmistaken.‘Onceafarmer,alwaysasucker,’saidAndy.‘He’sthemanthat’sshovedintothefrontrowamongbullets,ballotsand the ballet.He’s the funny-bone and gristle of the country,’ saidAndy, ‘and I don’tknowwhowewoulddowithouthim.’

“OnemorningmeandAndywakesupwithsixty-eightcentsbetweenusinayellowpinehotelontheedgeofthepre-digestedhoe-cakebeltofSouthernIndiana.HowwegotoffthetraintherethenightbeforeIcan’ttellyou;forshewentthroughthevillagesofastthatwhatlookedlikeasaloontousthroughthecarwindowturnedouttobeacompositeviewofadrugstoreandawatertanktwoblocksapart.Whywegotoffatthefirststationwecould,belongstoalittleoroidegoldwatchandAlaskadiamonddealwefailedtopulloffthedaybefore,overtheKentuckyline.

“When Iwoke up I heard roosters crowing, and smelt something like the fumes ofnitro-muriatic acid, and heard something heavy fall on the floor below us, and a manswearing.

“‘Cheerup,Andy,’ says I. ‘We’re ina ruralcommunity.Somebodyhas just testedagoldbrickdownstairs.We’llgooutandgetwhat’scomingtousfromafarmer;andthen

yoicks!andaway.’

“Farmerswasalwaysakindofreservefundtome.WheneverIwasinhardluckI’dgoto the crossroads, hook a finger in a farmer’s suspender, recite the prospectus of myswindle inamechanicalkindofaway, lookoverwhathehad,givehimbackhiskeys,whetstoneandpapersthatwasofnovalueexcepttoowner,andstrollawaywithoutaskinganyquestions.FarmersarenotfairgametomeashighupinourbusinessasmeandAndywas;buttherewastimeswhenwefound‘emuseful,justasWallStreetdoestheSecretaryoftheTreasurynowandthen.

“Whenwewentdownstairswesawwewasinthemidstofthefinestfarmingsectionweeversee.Abouttwomilesawayonahillwasabigwhitehouseinagrovesurroundedby a wide-spread agricultural agglomeration of fields and barns and pastures and out-houses.

“‘Whosehouseisthat?’weaskedthelandlord.

“‘That,’ says he, ‘is the domicile and the arboreal, terrestrial and horticulturalaccessoriesofFarmerEzraPlunkett,oneofourcounty’smostprogressivecitizens.’

“AfterbreakfastmeandAndy,witheightcentscapitalleft,caststhehoroscopeoftheruralpotentate.

“‘Letmegoalone,’saysI.‘Twoofusagainstonefarmerwouldlookasone-sidedasRooseveltusingbothhandstokillagrizzly.’

“‘Allright,’saysAndy.‘IliketobeatruesportevenwhenI’monlycollectingrebatesfromtherutabagraisers.WhatbaitareyougoingtouseforthisEzrathing?’Andyasksme.

“‘Oh,’Isays,‘thefirstthingthatcometohandinthesuitcase.IreckonI’lltakealongsome of the new income tax receipts, and the recipe for making clover honey out ofclabber and apple peelings; and the order blanks for the McGuffey’s readers, whichafterwardsturnouttobeMcCormick’sreapers;andthepearlnecklacefoundonthetrain;andapocket-sizegoldbrick;anda—’

“‘That’llbeenough,’saysAndy.‘AnyoneofthelotoughttolandonEzra.Andsay,Jeff,make that succotash fancier give you nice, clean, new bills. It’s a disgrace to ourDepartment ofAgriculture,CivilService andPureFoodLaw thekindof stuff someofthesefarmershandouttouse.I’vehadtotakerollsfrom‘emthatlookedlikebundlesofmicrobeculturescapturedoutofaRedCrossambulance.’

“So,Igoestoaliverystableandhiresabuggyonmylooks.IdroveouttothePlunkettfarmandhitched.Therewasamansittingon the front stepsof thehouse.Hehadonawhiteflannelsuit,adiamondring,golfcapandapinkascottie.‘Summerboarder,’saysItomyself.

“‘I’dliketoseeFarmerEzraPlunkett,’saysItohim.

“‘Youseehim,’sayshe.‘Whatseemstobeonyourmind?’

“Ineveransweredaword.Istoodstill,repeatingtomyselftherollickinglinesofthat

merry jingle, ‘TheManwith theHoe.’WhenI lookedat this farmer, the littledevices Ihad inmypocket for buncoing the pushed-backbrows seemed as hopeless as trying toshakedowntheBeefTrustwithamittimusandaparlorrifle.

“‘Well,’sayshe,lookingatmeclose,‘speakup.Iseetheleftpocketofyourcoatsagsagooddeal.Outwiththegoldbrickfirst.I’mrathermoreinterestedinthebricksthanIaminthetricksixty-daynotesandthelostsilverminestory.’

“Ihadakindofcerebral sensationof foolishness inmy ideasof ratiocination;but Ipulledoutthelittlebrickandunwrappedmyhandkerchiefoffit.

“‘Onedollarandeightycents,’saysthefarmerheftingitinhishand.‘Isitatrade?’

“‘Theleadinitisworthmorethanthat,’saysI,dignified.Iputitbackinmypocket.

“‘All right,’ says he. ‘But I sort ofwanted it for the collection I’m starting. I got a$5,000onelastweekfor$2.10.’

“Justthenatelephonebellringsinthehouse.

“‘Comein,Bunk,’saysthefarmer,‘andlookatmyplace.It’skindoflonesomeheresometimes.Ithinkthat’sNewYorkcalling.’

“Wewent inside.The room looked likeaBroadwaystockbroker’s—lightoakdesks,two‘phones,Spanishleatherupholsteredchairsandcouches,oilpaintingsingiltframesafootdeepandatickerhittingoffthenewsinonecorner.

“‘Hello, hello!’ says this funny farmer. ‘Is that the Regent Theatre? Yes; this isPlunkett,ofWoodbineCentre.ReservefourorchestraseatsforFridayevening—myusualones.Yes;Friday—good-bye.’

“‘IrunovertoNewYorkeverytwoweekstoseeashow,’saysthefarmer,hangingupthereceiver.‘Icatchtheeighteen-hourflyeratIndianapolis,spendtenhoursintheheydayofnightontheYappianWay,andgethomeintimetoseethechickensgotoroostforty-eight hours later. Oh, the pristine Hubbard squasherino of the cave-dwelling period isgetting geared up some for the annual meeting of the Don’t-Blow-Out-the-GasAssociation,don’tyouthink,Mr.Bunk?’

“‘I seem to perceive,’ says I, ‘a kind of hiatus in the agrarian traditions in whichheretofore,Ihavereposedconfidence.’

“‘Sure,Bunk,’sayshe.‘Theyellowprimroseontheriver’sbrimisgettingtolooktousReubslikeaholidayeditiondeluxeoftheLanguageofFlowerswithdeckleedgesandfrontispiece.’

“Justthenthetelephonecallshimagain.

“‘Hello,hello!’sayshe.‘Oh,that’sPerkins,atMilldale.Itoldyou$800wastoomuchfor that horse. Have you got him there? Good. Let me see him. Get away from thetransmitter.Nowmakehimtrot inacircle.Faster.Yes,Icanhearhim.Keepon—fasteryet.…That’lldo.Nowleadhimuptothephone.Closer.Gethisnosenearer.There.Nowwait. No; I don’t want that horse.What?No; not at any price. He interferes; and he’s

windbroken.Goodbye.’

“‘Now,Bunk,’saysthefarmer,‘doyoubegintorealizethatagriculturehashadahaircut?Youbelonginabygoneera.Why,TomLawsonhimselfknowsbetterthantotrytocatchanup-to-dateagriculturalistnapping.It’sSaturday,theFourteenth,onthefarm,youbet.Now,lookhere,andseehowwekeepupwiththeday’sdoings.’

“Heshowsmeamachineonatablewithtwothingsforyourearslikethepenny-in-the-slot affairs. I puts it on and listens. A female voice starts up reading headlines ofmurders,accidentsandotherpoliticalcasualities.

“‘Whatyouhear,’ says the farmer, ‘isa synopsisof to-day’snews in theNewYork,Chicago,St.LouisandSanFranciscopapers.ItiswiredintoourRuralNewsBureauandservedhot tosubscribers.Onthis tableyousee theprincipaldailiesandweekliesof thecountry.Alsoaspecialserviceofadvancesheetsofthemonthlymagazines.’

“Ipicksuponesheetandseesthatit’sheaded:‘SpecialAdvanceProofs.InJuly,1909,theCenturywillsay’—andsoforth.

“Thefarmerringsupsomebody—hismanager,Ireckon—andtellshimtoletthatherdof15Jerseysgoat$600ahead;andtosowthe900-acrefieldinwheat;andtohave200extracansreadyatthestationforthemilktrolleycar.ThenhepassestheHenryClaysandsetsoutabottleofgreenchartreuse,andgoesoverandlooksatthetickertape.

“‘ConsolidatedGasuptwopoints,’sayshe.‘Oh,verywell.’

“‘Evermonkeywithcopper?’Iasks.

“‘Standback!’sayshe,raisinghishand,‘orI’llcall thedog.I toldyounot towasteyourtime.’

“Afterawhilehesays:‘Bunk,ifyoudon’tmindmytellingyou,yourcompanybeginstocloyslightly.I’vegottowriteanarticleontheChimeraofCommunismforamagazine,and attend a meeting of the Race Track Association this afternoon. Of course youunderstandbynowthatyoucan’tgetmyproxyforyourRemedy,whateveritmaybe.’

“Well, sir, all I could think of to dowas to go out andget in the buggy.The horseturnedroundandtookmebacktothehotel.IhitchedhimandwentintoseeAndy.InhisroomItoldhimaboutthisfarmer,wordforword;andIsatpickingatthetablecoverlikeonebereftofsagaciousness.

“‘I don’t understand it,’ says I, humming a sad and foolish little song to covermyhumiliation.

“Andywalksupanddowntheroomforalongtime,bitingtheleftendofhismustacheashedoeswhenintheactofthinking.

“‘Jeff,’ says he, finally, ‘I believe your story of this expurgated rustic; but I amnotconvinced.Itlooksincreduloustomethathecouldhaveinoculatedhimselfagainstallthepreordainedsystemsofbucolicbunco.Now,youneverregardedmeasamanofspecialreligiousproclivities,didyou,Jeff?’saysAndy.

“‘Well,’saysI,‘No.But,’saysI,nottowoundhisfeelings,‘Ihavealsoobservedmanychurchmemberswhosesaidproclivitieswerenotsooutwardlydevelopedthattheywouldshowonawhitehandkerchiefifyourubbed‘emwithit.’

“‘Ihavealwaysbeenadeepstudentofnaturefromcreationdown,’saysAndy,‘andIbelieveinanultimatumdesignofProvidence.Farmerswasmadeforapurpose;andthatwastofurnishalivelihoodtomenlikemeandyou.Elsewhywaswegivenbrains?ItismybeliefthatthemannathattheIsraeliteslivedonforfortyyearsinthewildernesswasonlya figurativewordfor farmers;and theykeptup thepractice to thisday.Andnow,’saysAndy,‘Iamgoingtotestmytheory“Onceafarmer,alwaysacome-on,”inspiteoftheveneeringandtheorificesthataspuriouscivilizationhasbroughttohim.’

“‘You’ll fail, sameas Idid,’ says I. ‘Thisone’sshookoff theshacklesof thesheep-fold. He’s entrenched behind the advantages of electricity, education, literature andintelligence.’

“‘I’lltry,’saidAndy.‘TherearecertainLawsofNaturethatFreeRuralDeliverycan’tovercome.’

“Andyfumblesaroundawhileintheclosetandcomesoutdressedinasuitwithbrownandyellowchecksasbigasyourhand.Hisvestisredwithbluedots,andhewearsahighsilkhat.Inoticedhe’dsoakedhissandymustacheinakindofblueink.

“‘GreatBarnums?’saysI.‘You’rearingerforacircusthimblerigman.’

“‘Right,’ says Andy. ‘Is the buggy outside?Wait here till I come back. I won’t belong.’

“TwohoursafterwardsAndystepsintotheroomandlaysawadofmoneyonthetable.

“‘Eighthundredandsixtydollars,’saidhe.‘Letmetellyou.Hewasin.Helookedmeoverandbegantoguyme.Ididn’tsayaword,butgotoutthewalnutshellsandbegantoroll the little ball on the table. I whistled a tune or two, and then I started up the oldformula.

“‘Stepuplively,gentlemen,’saysI,‘andwatchthelittleball.Itcostsyounothingtolook.Thereyouseeit,andthereyoudon’t.Guesswherethelittlejokeris.Thequicknessofthehanddeceivestheeye.

“‘I steals a lookat the farmerman. I see the sweat comingoutonhis forehead.Hegoesoverandclosesthefrontdoorandwatchesmesomemore.Directlyhesays:“I’llbetyoutwentyIcanpicktheshelltheball’sundernow.”

“‘Afterthat,’goesonAndy,‘thereisnothingnewtorelate.Heonlyhad$860cashinthehouse.WhenI lefthefollowedmeto thegate.Therewas tears inhiseyeswhenheshookhands.

“‘“Bunk,”sayshe,“thankyoufortheonlyrealpleasureI’vehadinyears.ItbringsuphappyolddayswhenIwasonlyafarmerandnotanagriculturalist.Godblessyou.”’”

HereJeffPetersceased,andIinferredthathisstorywasdone.

“Thenyouthink”—Ibegan.

“Yes,” said Jeff. “Something like that. You let the farmers go ahead and amusethemselveswith politics. Farming’s a lonesome life; and they’ve been against the shellgamebefore.”

THECHAIROFPHILANTHROMATHEMATICS

“I see that the cause of Education has received the princely gift ofmore than fiftymillionsofdollars,”saidI.

Iwasgleaning the stray items from theeveningpaperswhile JeffPeterspackedhisbriarpipewithplugcut.

“Whichsame,”saidJeff,“callsforanewdeck,andarecitationbytheentireclassinphilanthromathematics.”

“Isthatanallusion?”Iasked.

“It is,” said Jeff. “I never told you about the timewhenme andAndy Tuckerwasphilanthropists,didI?ItwaseightyearsagoinArizona.AndyandmewasoutintheGilamountainswith a two-horsewagonprospecting for silver.We struck it, and sold out toparties in Tucson for $25,000. They paid our check at the bank in silver—a thousanddollars ina sack.We loaded it inourwagonanddroveeast ahundredmilesbeforewerecovered our presence of intellect. Twenty-five thousand dollars doesn’t sound like somuchwhenyou’rereadingtheannualreportofthePennsylvaniaRailroadorlisteningtoanactortalkingabouthissalary;butwhenyoucanraiseupawagonsheetandkickaroundyourbootheelandheareveryoneof‘emringagainstanotheritmakesyoufeellikeyouwasanight-and-daybankwiththeclockstrikingtwelve.

“The thirddayoutwedrove intooneof themostspeciousand tidy little towns thatNatureorRandandMcNallyever turnedout. Itwas in thefoothills,andmitigatedwithtrees and flowers and about 2,000 head of cordial and dilatory inhabitants. The townseemedtobecalledFloresville,andNaturehadnotcontaminateditwithmanyrailroads,fleasorEasterntourists.

“Me and Andy deposited our money to the credit of Peters and Tucker in theEsperanzaSavingsBank,andgotroomsattheSkyviewHotel.Aftersupperwelitup,andsat out on the gallery and smoked. Thenwaswhen the philanthropy idea struckme. Isupposeeverygraftergetsitsometime.

“Whenamanswindlesthepublicoutofacertainamounthebeginstogetscaredandwants to returnpartof it.And ifyou’llwatchcloseandnotice thewayhischarity runsyou’llseethathetriestorestoreit tothesamepeoplehegotitfrom.Asahydrostaticalcase,take,let’ssay,A.Amadehismillionssellingoiltopoorstudentswhositupnights

studying political economy and methods for regulating the trusts. So, back to theuniversitiesandcollegesgoeshisconsciencedollars.

“There’sBgothisfromthecommonlaboringmanthatworkswithhishandsandtools.How’shetogetsomeoftheremorsefundbackintotheiroveralls?

“‘Aha!’saysB, ‘I’lldo it in thenameofEducation. I’veskinned the laboringman,’says he to himself, ‘but, according to the old proverb, “Charity covers a multitude ofskins.”’

“Soheputsupeightymilliondollars’worthoflibraries;andtheboyswiththedinnerpailthatbuilds‘emgetsthebenefit.

“‘Where’sthebooks?’asksthereadingpublic.

“‘Idinnaken,’saysB.‘Iofferedyelibraries;andtheretheyare.IsupposeifI’dgivenyepreferredsteeltruststockinsteadye’dhavewantedthewaterinitsetoutincutglassdecanters.Hoot,forye!’

“But, as I said, the owning of so much money was beginning to give mephilanthropitis. Itwas the first timeme andAndy had evermade a pile big enough tomakeusstopandthinkhowwegotit.

“‘Andy,’saysI,‘we’rewealthy—notbeyondthedreamsofaverage;butinourhumblewaywearecomparativelyasrichasGreasers.IfeelasifI’dliketodosomethingforaswellastohumanity.’

“‘Iwasthinkingthesamething,Jeff,’sayshe.‘We’vebeengougingthepublicforalong timewith all kinds of little schemes from selling self-igniting celluloid collars toflooding Georgia with Hoke Smith presidential campaign buttons. I’d like, myself, tohedge a bet or two in the graft game if I could do it without actually banging thecymbalinesintheSalvationArmyorteachingabibleclassbytheBertillonsystem.

“‘What’llwedo?’saysAndy.‘GivefreegrubtothepoororsendacoupleofthousandtoGeorgeCortelyou?’

“‘Neither,’saysI.‘We’vegottoomuchmoneytobeimplicatedinplaincharity;andwehaven’tgotenoughtomakerestitution.So,we’lllookaboutforsomethingthat’sabouthalfwaybetweenthetwo.’

“ThenextdayinwalkingaroundFloresvilleweseeonahillabigredbrickbuildingthatappearstobedisinhabited.Thecitizensspeakupandtellusthat itwasbegunforaresidenceseveralyearsbeforebyamineowner.After runningup thehousehefindsheonlyhad$2.80lefttofurnishitwith,soheinveststhatinwhiskeyandjumpsofftheroofonaspotwherehenowrequiescatsinpieces.

“AssoonasmeandAndysawthatbuildingthesameideastruckbothofus.Wewouldfix it upwith lights and penwipers and professors, and put an iron dog and statues ofHercules and Father John on the lawn, and start one of the finest free educationalinstitutionsintheworldrightthere.

“SowetalksitovertotheprominentcitizensofFloresville,whofallsinfinewiththe

idea.Theygiveabanquet in theenginehouse tous,andwemakeourbowfor thefirsttimeasbenefactorstothecauseofprogressandenlightenment.Andymakesanhour-and-a-halfspeechonthesubjectofirrigationinLowerEgypt,andwehaveamoraltuneonthephonographandpineapplesherbet.

“Andyandmedidn’tloseanytimeinphilanthropping.Weputeverymanintownthatcouldtellahammerfromastepladdertoworkonthebuilding,dividingitupintoclassroomsandlecturehalls.WewiretoFriscoforacarloadofdesks,footballs,arithmetics,penholders,dictionaries,chairsfortheprofessors,slates,skeletons,sponges,twenty-sevencravenettedgownsandcapsfor theseniorclass,andanopenorderforall the truckthatgoeswithafirst-classuniversity.Itookitonmyselftoputacampusandacurriculumonthelist;butthetelegraphoperatormusthavegotthewordswrong,beinganignorantman,forwhenthegoodscomewefoundacanofpeasandacurry-combamong‘em.

“While theweeklypaperswashavingchalk-platecutsofmeandAndywewiredanemployment agency in Chicago to express us f.o.b., six professors immediately—oneEnglishliterature,oneup-to-datedeadlanguages,onechemistry,onepoliticaleconomy—democrat preferred—one logic, and onewise to painting, Italian andmusic,with unioncard. The Esperanza bank guaranteed salaries, which was to run between $800 and$800.50.

“Well, sir,we finally got in shape.Over the front doorwas carved thewords: ‘TheWorld’sUniversity;Peters&Tucker,PatronsandProprietors.AndwhenSeptember thefirstgotacross-markonthecalendar,thecome-onsbeguntorollin.Firstthefacultygotoff the tri-weekly express from Tucson. They was mostly young, spectacled, and red-headed, with sentiments divided between ambition and food. Andy and me got ‘embilletedontheFloresvilliansandthenlaidforthestudents.

“Theycameinbunches.WehadadvertisedtheUniversityinallthestatepapers,anditdidus good to seehowquick the country responded.Twohundred andnineteenhuskyladsagingalongfrom18uptochinwhiskersansweredtheclarioncalloffreeeducation.Theyrippedopenthattown,spongedtheseams,turnedit,lineditwithnewmohair;andyoucouldn’thavetolditfromHarvardorGoldfieldsattheMarchtermofcourt.

“They marched up and down the streets waving flags with theWorld’s Universitycolors—ultra-marine and blue—and they certainly made a lively place of Floresville.Andymade themaspeechfromthebalconyof theSkyviewHotel,and thewhole townwasoutcelebrating.

“Inabouttwoweekstheprofessorsgotthestudentsdisarmedandherdedintoclasses.Idon’tbelieve there’sanypleasureequal tobeingaphilanthropist.MeandAndyboughthigh silk hats and pretended to dodge the two reporters of the FloresvilleGazette. Thepaperhadaman tokodakuswheneverweappearedon the street, and ranourpictureseveryweekoverthecolumnheaded‘EducationalNotes.’AndylecturedtwiceaweekattheUniversity; and afterward Iwould rise and tell a humorous story.Once theGazetteprintedmypictureswithAbeLincolnononesideandMarshallP.Wilderontheother.

“AndywasasinterestedinphilanthropyasIwas.Weusedtowakeupofnightsand

telleachothernewideasforboomingtheUniversity.

“‘Andy,’saysItohimoneday,‘there’ssomethingweoverlooked.Theboysoughttohavedromedaries.’

“‘What’sthat?’Andyasks.

“‘Why,somethingtosleepin,ofcourse,’saysI.‘Allcollegeshave‘em.’

“‘Oh,youmeanpajamas,’saysAndy.

“‘Idonot,’saysI.‘Imeandromedaries.’ButInevercouldmakeAndyunderstand;sowe never ordered ‘em. Of course, I meant them long bedrooms in colleges where thescholarssleepinarow.

“Well,sir,theWorld’sUniversitywasasuccess.WehadscholarsfromfiveStatesandterritories,andFloresvillehadaboom.Anewshootinggalleryandapawnshopandtwomoresaloonsstarted;andtheboysgotupacollegeyellthatwentthisway:

“‘Raw,raw,raw,Done,done,done,

Peters,Tucker,Lotsoffun,

Bow-wow-wow,Haw-hee-haw,

WorldUniversity,Hip,hurrah!’

“Thescholarswasafinelotofyoungmen,andmeandAndywasasproudof‘emasiftheybelongedtoourownfamily.

“ButonedayaboutthelastofOctoberAndycomestomeandasksifIhaveanyideahowmuchmoneywehadleftinthebank.Iguessesaboutsixteenthousand.‘Ourbalance,’saysAndy,‘is$821.62.’

“‘What!’saysI,withakindofayell.‘Doyoumeantotellmethattheminfernalclod-hopping, dough-headed, pup-faced, goose-brained, gate-stealing, rabbit-eared sons ofhorsethieveshavesoakedusforthatmuch?’

“‘Noless,’saysAndy.

“‘Then,toHelvetiawithphilanthropy,’saysI.

“‘Notnecessarily,’saysAndy.‘Philanthropy,’sayshe,‘whenrunonagoodbusinessbasis is one of the best grafts going. I’ll look into the matter and see if it can’t bestraightenedout.’

“ThenextweekIamlookingoverthepayrollofourfacultywhenIrunacrossanewname—ProfessorJamesDarnleyMcCorkle,chairofmathematics;salary$100perweek.IyellssoloudthatAndyrunsinquick.

“‘What’sthis,’saysI.‘Aprofessorofmathematicsatmorethan$5,000ayear?Howdidthishappen?Didhegetinthroughthewindowandappointhimself?’

“‘IwiredtoFriscoforhimaweekago,’saysAndy.‘Inorderingthefacultyweseemedtohaveoverlookedthechairofmathematics.’

“‘A good thing we did,’ says I. ‘We can pay his salary two weeks, and then ourphilanthropywilllookliketheninthholeontheSkibogolflinks.’

“‘Waitawhile,’saysAndy,‘andseehowthingsturnout.Wehavetakenuptoonobleacausetodrawoutnow.Besides,thefurtherIgazeintotheretailphilanthropybusinessthebetter it looks tome. I never thought about investigating it before.Come to think of itnow,’goesonAndy,‘allthephilanthropistsIeverknewhadplentyofmoney.Ioughttohavelookedintothatmatterlongago,andlocatedwhichwasthecauseandwhichwastheeffect.’

“IhadconfidenceinAndy’schicaneryinfinancialaffairs,soIleftthewholethinginhishands.TheUniversitywasflourishingfine,andmeandAndykeptoursilkhatsshinedup, and Floresville kept on heaping honors on us like we was millionaires instead of

almostbustedphilanthropists.

“Thestudentskept the townlivelyandprosperous.Somestrangercameto townandstarted a faro bank over the Red Front livery stable, and began to amass money inquantities.MeandAndystrolleduponenightandpikedadollaror two for sociability.Therewereaboutfiftyofourstudentstheredrinkingrumpunchesandshovinghighstacksofbluesandredsaboutthetableasthedealerturnedthecardsup.

“‘Why,dangit,Andy,’saysI,‘thesefree-school-hunting,gander-headed,silk-sockedlittle sonsof sap-suckershavegotmoremoney thanyou andmeeverhad.Lookat therollsthey’repullingoutoftheirpistolpockets?’

“‘Yes,’ saysAndy, ‘agoodmanyof themaresonsofwealthyminersandstockmen.It’sverysadtosee‘emwastingtheiropportunitiesthisway.’

“AtChristmas all the studentswent home to spend the holidays.Wehad a farewellblowoutattheUniversity,andAndylecturedon‘ModernMusicandPrehistoricLiteratureof theArchipelagos.’Eachoneof the facultyanswered to toasts, andcomparedmeandAndy to Rockefeller and the Emperor Marcus Autolycus. I pounded on the table andyelledforProfessorMcCorkle;butitseemshewasn’tpresentontheoccasion.IwantedalookatthemanthatAndythoughtcouldearn$100aweekinphilanthropythatwasonthepointofmakinganassignment.

“Thestudentsallleftonthenighttrain;andthetownsoundedasquietasthecampusofacorrespondenceschoolatmidnight.WhenIwenttothehotelIsawalightinAndy’sroom,andIopenedthedoorandwalkedin.

“There sat Andy and the faro dealer at a table dividing a two-foot high stack ofcurrencyinthousand-dollarpackages.

“‘Correct,’ saysAndy. ‘Thirty-one thousandapiece.Come in, Jeff,’ sayshe. ‘This isourshareof theprofitsof thefirsthalfof thescholastic termof theWorld’sUniversity,incorporatedandphilanthropated.Areyouconvincednow,’saysAndy,‘thatphilanthropywhenpracticedinabusinesswayisanartthatblesseshimwhogivesaswellashimwhoreceives?’

“‘Great!’saysI,feelingfine.‘I’lladmityouarethedoctorthistime.’

“‘We’llbeleavingonthemorningtrain,’saysAndy.‘You’dbettergetyourcollarsandcuffsandpressclippingstogether.’

“‘Great!’ says I. ‘I’ll be ready. But, Andy,’ says I, ‘I wish I could have met thatProfessorJamesDarnleyMcCorklebeforewewent.Ihadacuriositytoknowthatman.’

“‘That’llbeeasy,’saysAndy,turningaroundtothefarodealer.

“‘Jim,’saysAndy,‘shakehandswithMr.Peters.’”

THEHANDTHATRILESTHEWORLD

“Manyofourgreatmen,” said I (aproposofmany things), “havedeclared that theyowetheirsuccesstotheaidandencouragementofsomebrilliantwoman.”

“Iknow,”saidJeffPeters.“I’vereadinhistoryandmythologyaboutJoanofArcandMme. Yale andMrs. Caudle and Eve and other noted females of the past. But, inmyopinion, thewomanof to-day isof littleuse inpoliticsorbusiness.What’s shebest in,anyway?—men make the best cooks, milliners, nurses, housekeepers, stenographers,clerks,hairdressersandlaunderers.Abouttheonlyjobleftthatawomancanbeatamaninisfemaleimpersonatorinvaudeville.”

“Iwouldhavethought,”saidI,“thatoccasionally,anyhow,youwouldhavefoundthewitandintuitionofwomanvaluabletoyouinyourlinesof—er—business.”

“Now,wouldn’tyou,”saidJeff,withanemphaticnod—“wouldn’tyouhaveimaginedthat?Butawomanisanabsolutelyunreliablepartnerinanystraightswindle.She’sliabletoturnhonestonyouwhenyouaredependinguponherthemost.Itried‘emonce.

“BillHumble,anoldfriendofmine in theTerritories,conceived the illusion thathewanted tobeappointedUnitedStatesMarshall.At that timemeandAndywasdoingasquare,legitimatebusinessofsellingwalkingcanes.Ifyouunscrewedtheheadofoneandturnedituptoyourmouthahalfpintofgoodryewhiskeywouldgotricklingdownyourthroattorewardyouforyouractofintelligence.ThedeputieswasannoyingmeandAndysome, and when Bill spoke to me about his officious aspirations, I saw how theappointmentasMarshallmighthelpalongthefirmofPeters&Tucker.

“Sellingwalkingcanes.”

“‘Jeff,’ says Bill to me, ‘you are a man of learning and education, besides havingknowledgeandinformationconcerningnotonlyrudimentsbutfactsandattainments.’

“‘I do,’ says I, ‘and I have never regretted it. I am not one,’ says I, ‘who wouldcheapen education by making it free. Tell me,’ says I, ‘which is of the most value tomankind,literatureorhorseracing?’

“‘Why—er—,playingthepo—Imean,ofcourse,thepoetsandthegreatwritershavegotthecall,ofcourse,’saysBill.

“‘Exactly,’saysI.‘Thenwhydothemastermindsoffinanceandphilanthropy,’saysI,‘chargeus$2togetintoarace-trackandletusintoalibraryfree?Isthatdistillingintothemasses,’saysI,‘acorrectestimateof therelativevalueof thetwomeansofself-cultureanddisorder?’

“‘You are arguing outside ofmy faculties of sense and rhetoric,’ saysBill. ‘What IwantedyoutodoistogotoWashingtonanddigoutthisappointmentforme.Ihaven’tnoideasofcultivationandintrigue.I’maplaincitizenandIneedthejob.I’vekilledsevenmen,’saysBill;‘I’vegotninechildren;I’vebeenagoodRepublicaneversincethefirstofMay;Ican’treadnorwrite,andIseenoreasonwhyIain’tillegiblefortheoffice.AndIthinkyourpartner,Mr.Tucker,’goesonBill,‘isalsoamanofsufficientingratiationandconnectedsystemofmentaldelinquencytoassistyouinsecuringtheappointment.Iwillgiveyoupreliminary,’saysBill, ‘$1,000fordrinks,bribesandcarfare inWashington.IfyoulandthejobIwillpayyou$1,000more,cashdown,andguaranteeyouimpunityinboot-leggingwhiskeyfortwelvemonths.AreyoupatriotictotheWestenoughtohelpme

putthisthingthroughtheWhitewashedWigwamoftheGreatFatherofthemosteasternflagstationofthePennsylvaniaRailroad?’saysBill.

“I’maplaincitizenandIneedthejob.”

“Well,ItalkedtoAndyaboutit,andhelikedtheideaimmense.Andywasamanofaninvolved nature.Hewas never content to plod along, as Iwas, selling to the peasantrysomelittletoollikeacombinationsteakbeater,shoehorn,marcelwaver,monkeywrench,nail file,potatomasherandMultum inParvo tuning fork.Andyhad theartistic temper,which is not to be judged as a preacher’s or a moral man’s is by purely commercialdeflections.SoweacceptedBill’soffer,andstrikesoutforWashington.

“SaysI toAndy,whenweget locatedatahotelonSouthDakotaAvenue,G.S.S.W.‘NowAndy,forthefirsttimeinourliveswe’vegottodoarealdishonestact.Lobbyingissomething we’ve never been used to; but we’ve got to scandalize ourselves for BillHumble’ssake.Inastraightandlegitimatebusiness,’saysI,‘wecouldaffordtointroducealittlefoulplayandchicanery,butinadisorderlyandheinouspieceofmalpracticelikethis it seems tome that the straightforwardandaboveboardway is thebest. Ipropose,’saysI, ‘thatwehandover$500of thismoneytothechairmanof thenationalcampaigncommittee,geta receipt, lay the receipton thePresident’sdeskand tellhimaboutBill.ThePresidentisamanwhowouldappreciateacandidatewhowentaboutgettingofficethatwayinsteadofpullingwires.’

“Andyagreedwithme,but afterwe talked the schemeoverwith thehotel clerkwegive that plan up. He told us that there was only one way to get an appointment in

Washington, and that was through a lady lobbyist. He gave us the address of one herecommended, aMrs.Avery,whohe saidwashighup in sociableanddiplomatic ringsandcircles.

“Thenextmorningat10o’clockmeandAndycalledatherhotel,andwasshownuptoherreceptionroom.

“ThisMrs.Averywasasolaceandabalmtotheeyesight.Shehadhairthecolorofthebackofatwentydollargoldcertificate,blueeyesandasystemofbeautythatwouldmakethegirlonthecoverofaJulymagazinelooklikeacookonaMonongahelacoalbarge.

“Shehadonalowneckeddresscoveredwithsilverspangles,anddiamondringsandear bobs. Her armswas bare; and shewas using a desk telephonewith one hand, anddrinkingteawiththeother.

“‘Well,boys,’sayssheafterabit,‘whatisit?’

“‘Wellboys,whatisit?’”

“ItoldherinasfewwordsaspossiblewhatwewantedforBill,andthepricewecouldpay.

“‘Thosewesternappointments,’saysshe, ‘areeasy.Le’mesee,now,’saysshe, ‘whocouldputthatthroughforus.NousefoolingwiththeTerritorialdelegates.Iguess,’saysshe, ‘that Senator Sniperwould be about theman.He’s from somewheres in theWest.Let’sseehowhestandsonmyprivatemenucard.’Shetakessomepapersoutofapigeon-holewiththeletter‘S’overit.

“‘Yes,’saysshe,‘he’smarkedwithastar;thatmeans“readytoserve.”Now,let’ssee.“Age55;married twice;Presbyterian, likesblondes,Tolstoi,pokerand stewed terrapin;sentimentalatthirdbottleofwine.”Yes,’shegoeson,‘IamsureIcanhaveyourfriend,Mr.Bummer,appointedMinistertoBrazil.’

“‘Humble,’saysI.‘AndUnitedStatesMarshalwastheberth.’

“‘Oh,yes,’saysMrs.Avery.‘IhavesomanydealsofthissortIsometimesgetthemconfused.Givemeallthememorandayouhaveofthecase,Mr.Peters,andcomebackinfourdays.Ithinkitcanbearrangedbythen.’

“Some andAndy goes back to our hotel andwaits.Andywalks up and down andchewstheleftendofhismustache.

“‘Awomanofhighintellectandperfectbeautyisararething,Jeff,’sayshe.

“‘Asrare,’saysI,‘asanomeletmadefromtheeggsofthefabulousbirdknownastheepidermis,’saysI.

“‘A woman like that,’ says Andy, ‘ought to lead a man to the highest positions ofopulenceandfame.’

“‘Imisdoubt,’saysI,‘ifanywomaneverhelpedamantosecureajobanymorethantohavehismealsreadypromptlyandspreadareportthattheothercandidate’swifehadoncebeenashoplifter.Theyarenomoreadaptedforbusinessandpolitics,’saysI,‘thanAlgernon Charles Swinburne is to be floormanager at one of Chuck Connor’s annualballs. I know,’ says I to Andy, ‘that sometimes a woman seems to step out into thekalsominelightasthecharged’affairesofherman’spoliticaljob.Buthowdoesitcomeout? Say, they have a neat little berth somewhere as foreign consul of record toAfghanistanorlockkeeperontheDelawareandRaritanCanal.Onedaythismanfindshiswifeputtingonherovershoesandthreemonthssupplyofbirdseedintothecanary’scage.“SiouxFalls?” he askswith a kind of hopeful light in his eye. “No,Arthur,” says she,“Washington.We’rewastedhere,”saysshe.“YououghttobeToadyExtraordinarytotheCourtofSt.BridgetorHeadPorteroftheIslandofPortoRico.I’mgoingtoseeaboutit.”

“‘Then this lady,’ I says toAndy, ‘movesagainst theauthorities atWashingtonwithherbaggageandmunitions,consistingoffivedozenindiscriminatingletterswrittentoherbyamemberoftheCabinetwhenshewas15;aletterofintroductionfromKingLeopoldtotheSmithsonianInstitution,andapinksilkcostumewithcanarycoloredspats.

“‘Wellandthenwhat?’Igoes.‘Shehasthelettersprintedintheeveningpapers thatmatchhercostume,shelecturesataninformalteagiveninthepalmroomoftheB.&O.Depot and then calls on the President. The ninthAssistant Secretary ofCommerce andLabor, the first aide-de-camp of the Blue Room and an unidentified colored man arewaitingtheretograspherbythehands—andfeet.TheycarryherouttoS.W.B.streetandleave her on a cellar door. That ends it. The next time we hear of her she is writingpostcardstotheChineseMinisteraskinghimtogetArthurajobinateastore.’

“‘Then,’saysAndy,‘youdon’tthinkMrs.AverywilllandtheMarshalshipforBill?’

“‘Idonot,’saysI.‘Idonotwishtobeaseptic,butIdoubtifshecandoaswellasyouandmecouldhavedone.’

“‘I don’t agreewith you,’ saysAndy. ‘I’ll bet you she does. I’mproud of having ahigheropinionofthetalentandthepowersofnegotiationofladies.’

“WewasbackatMrs.Avery’shotelatthetimesheappointed.Shewaslookingprettyandfineenough,asfaras thatwent, tomakeanymanlethernameeveryofficer in thecountry.ButIhadn’tmuchfaithinlooks,soIwascertainlysurprisedwhenshepullsoutadocumentwiththegreatsealoftheUnitedStatesonit,and‘WilliamHenryHumble’inafine,bighandontheback.

“‘Youmighthavehad it thenextday,boys,’ saysMrs.Avery, smiling. ‘Ihadn’t theslightesttroubleingettingit,’saysshe.‘Ijustaskedforit,that’sall.Now,I’dliketotalktoyouawhile,’shegoeson,‘butI’mawfullybusy,andIknowyou’llexcuseme.I’vegotanAmbassadorship,twoConsulatesandadozenotherminorapplicationstolookafter.Icanhardlyfindtimetosleepatall.You’llgivemycomplimentstoMr.Humblewhenyougethome,ofcourse.’

“Well, I handed her the $500, which she pitched into her desk drawer withoutcounting.IputBill’sappointmentinmypocketandmeandAndymadeouradieus.

“WestartedbackfortheTerritorythesameday.WewiredBill:‘Joblanded;getthetallglassesready,’andwefeltprettygood.

“AndyjoshedmeallthewayabouthowlittleIknewaboutwomen.

“‘Allright,’saysI.‘I’lladmitthatshesurprisedme.Butit’sthefirsttimeIeverknewoneof‘emtomanipulateapieceofbusinessontimewithoutgettingitbungledupinsomeway,’saysI.

“DownabouttheedgeofArkansasIgotoutBill’sappointmentandlookeditover,andthenIhandedittoAndytoread.Andyreadit,butdidn’taddanyremarkstomysilence.

“The paper was for Bill, all right, and a genuine document, but it appointed himpostmasterofDadeCity,Fla.

“MeandAndygotoff thetrainatLittleRockandsentBill’sappointmenttohimbymail.ThenwestrucknortheasttowardLakeSuperior.

“IneversawBillHumbleafterthat.”

THEEXACTSCIENCEOFMATRIMONY

“As I have told you before,” said Jeff Peters, “I never hadmuch confidence in theperfidiousness ofwoman.As partners or coeducators in themost innocent line of grafttheyarenottrustworthy.”

“Theydeservethecompliment,”saidI.“Ithinktheyareentitledtobecalledthehonestsex.”

“Why shouldn’t they be?” said Jeff. “They’ve got the other sex either grafting or

workingovertime for ‘em.They’re all right inbusinessuntil theyget their emotionsortheirhairtoucheduptoomuch.Thenyouwanttohaveaflatfooted,heavybreathingmanwithsandywhiskers,fivekidsandabuildingandloanmortgagereadyasanunderstudytotakeherdesk.NowtherewasthatwidowladythatmeandAndyTuckerengagedtohelpusinthatlittlematrimonialagencyschemewefloatedoutinCairo.

“Whenyou’vegotenoughadvertisingcapital—sayarollasbigasthelittleendofawagon tongue—there’s money in matrimonial agencies. We had about $6,000 and weexpectedtodoubleitintwomonths,whichisaboutaslongasaschemelikeourscanbecarriedonwithouttakingoutaNewJerseycharter.

“Wefixedupanadvertisementthatreadaboutlikethis:

“Charming widow, beautiful, home loving, 32 years, possessing $3,000 cash and owning valuable countryproperty,wouldremarry.Wouldpreferapoormanwithaffectionatedispositiontoonewithmeans,assherealizesthat thesolidvirtuesareoftenest tobefoundin thehumblewalksof life.Noobjection toelderlymanoroneofhomely appearance if faithful and true and competent to manage property and invest money with judgment.Address,withparticulars.

Lonely,CareofPeters&Tucker,agents,Cairo,Ill.

“‘So far, so pernicious,’ says I,whenwe had finished the literary concoction. ‘Andnow,’saysI,‘whereisthelady.’

“Andygivesmeoneofhislooksofcalmirritation.

“‘Jeff,’sayshe,‘Ithoughtyouhadlostthemideasofrealisminyourart.Whyshouldtherebealady?WhentheysellalotofwateredstockonWallStreetwouldyouexpecttofindamermaidinit?Whathasamatrimonialadgottodowithalady?’

“‘Now listen,’ says I. ‘You knowmy rule,Andy, that in allmy illegitimate inroadsagainstthelegalletterofthelawthearticlesoldmustbeexistent,visible,producible.InthatwayandbyacarefulstudyofcityordinancesandtrainschedulesIhavekeptoutofalltroublewiththepolicethatafivedollarbillandacigarcouldnotsquare.Now,toworkthis schemewe’vegot tobeable toproducebodilyacharmingwidowor itsequivalentwithorwithoutthebeauty,hereditamentsandappurtenancessetforthinthecatalogueandwritoferrors,orhereafterbeheldbyajusticeofthepeace.’

“‘Well,’saysAndy,reconstructinghismind,‘maybeitwouldbesaferincasethepostofficeorthepeacecommissionshouldtrytoinvestigateouragency.Butwhere,’hesays,‘couldyouhopetofindawidowwhowouldwastetimeonamatrimonialschemethathadnomatrimonyinit?’

“I toldAndy that I thought I knewof the exact party.An old friend ofmine,ZekeTrotter,whousedtodrawsodawaterandteethinatentshow,hadmadehiswifeawidowayearbeforebydrinkingsomedyspepsiacureoftheolddoctor’sinsteadofthelinimentthat he always got boozed up on. I used to stop at their house often, and I thoughtwecouldgethertoworkwithus.

“‘Twasonlysixtymilestothelittletownwhereshelived,soIjumpedoutontheI.C.andfindsherinthesamecottagewiththesamesunflowersandroostersstandingonthewashtub. Mrs. Trotter fitted our ad first rate except, maybe for beauty and age andproperty valuation. But she looked feasible and praiseworthy to the eye, and it was akindnesstoZeke’smemorytogiveherthejob.

“‘Is this anhonestdealyouareputtingon,Mr.Peters,’ sheasksmewhen I tellherwhatwewant.

“‘Mrs.Trotter,’saysI,‘AndyTuckerandmehavecomputedthecalculationthat3,000meninthisbroadandunfaircountrywillendeavortosecureyourfairhandandostensiblemoneyandpropertythroughouradvertisement.Outofthatnumbersomethinglikethirtyhundredwillexpecttogiveyouinexchange,iftheyshouldwinyou,thecarcassofalazyandmercenaryloafer,afailureinlife,aswindlerandcontemptiblefortuneseeker.

“‘MeandAndy,’saysI,‘proposetoteachthesepreyersuponsocietyalesson.Itwaswithdifficulty,’saysI,‘thatmeandAndycouldrefrainfromformingacorporationunderthe title of theGreatMoral andMillennialMalevolentMatrimonial Agency.Does thatsatisfyyou?’

“‘It does,Mr. Peters,’ says she. ‘Imight have known youwouldn’t have gone intoanything that wasn’t opprobrious. But what will my duties be? Do I have to rejectpersonallythese3,000ramscallionsyouspeakof,orcanIthrowthemoutinbunches?’

“‘Yourjob,Mrs.Trotter,’saysI,‘willbepracticallyacynosure.Youwillliveataquiethotelandwillhavenoworktodo.AndyandIwillattendtoallthecorrespondenceandbusinessendofit.

“‘Ofcourse,’saysI,‘someofthemoreardentandimpetuoussuitorswhocanraisetherailroadfaremaycometoCairotopersonallypresstheirsuitorwhateverfractionofasuittheymaybewearing.Inthatcaseyouwillbeprobablyputtotheinconvenienceofkickingthemoutfacetoface.Wewillpayyou$25perweekandhotelexpenses.’

“‘Givemefiveminutes,’saysMrs.Trotter,‘togetmypowderragandleavethefrontdoorkeywithaneighborandyoucanletmysalarybegin.’

“SoIconveysMrs.Trotter toCairoandestablishesher ina familyhotel farenoughawayfrommineandAndy’squarterstobeunsuspiciousandavailable,andItellAndy.

“‘Great,’saysAndy.‘Andnowthatyourconscience isappeasedas to the tangibilityandproximityofthebait,andleavingmuttonaside,supposewerevenooanoofish.’

“So,webegantoinsertouradvertisementinnewspaperscoveringthecountryfarandwide.Oneadwasallweused.Wecouldn’thaveusedmorewithouthiringsomanyclerksandmarcelledparaphernaliathatthesoundofthegumchewingwouldhavedisturbedthePostmaster-General.

“Weplaced$2,000inabanktoMrs.Trotter’screditandgaveherthebooktoshowincase anybody might question the honesty and good faith of the agency. I knew Mrs.Trotterwassquareandreliableanditwassafetoleaveitinhername.

“WiththatoneadAndyandmeputintwelvehoursadayansweringletters.

“Aboutonehundredadaywaswhatcamein.Ineverknewtherewassomanylargeheartedbut indigentmen in thecountrywhowerewilling toacquireacharmingwidowandassumetheburdenofinvestinghermoney.

“About100adaywaswhatcamein.”

“Mostof themadmitted that they ranprincipally towhiskersand lost jobsandweremisunderstood by the world, but all of ‘emwere sure that they were so chock full ofaffectionandmanlyqualities that thewidowwouldbemakingthebargainofher life toget‘em.

“EveryapplicantgotareplyfromPeters&Tuckerinforminghimthatthewidowhadbeendeeplyimpressedbyhisstraightforwardandinterestingletterandrequestingthemtowrite again; statingmore particulars; and enclosing photograph if convenient. Peters&Tuckeralsoinformedtheapplicantthattheirfeeforhandingoverthesecondlettertotheirfairclientwouldbe$2,enclosedtherewith.

“Thereyouseethesimplebeautyofthescheme.About90percent.ofthemdomesticforeignnoblemen raised theprice somehowand sent it in.Thatwas all therewas to it.ExceptthatmeandAndycomplainedanamountaboutbeingputtothetroubleofslicingopenthemenvelopes,andtakingthemoneyout.

“Somefewclientscalledinperson.Wesent‘emtoMrs.Trotterandshedidtherest;exceptforthreeorfourwhocamebacktostrikeusforcarfare.Afterthelettersbegantogetinfromther.f.d.districtsAndyandmeweretakinginabout$200aday.

“OneafternoonwhenwewerebusiestandIwasstuffingthetwoandonesintocigarboxesandAndywaswhistling‘NoWeddingBellsforHer’asmallslickmandropsinandrunshis eyeover thewalls likehewason the trailof a lostGainesboroughpaintingor

two.AssoonasIsawhimIfeltaglowofpride,becausewewererunningourbusinessonthelevel.

“‘Iseeyouhavequitealargemailto-day,’saystheman.

“Ireachedandgotmyhat.

“‘Comeon,’ says I. ‘We’vebeen expectingyou. I’ll showyou thegoods.HowwasTeddywhenyouleftWashington?’

“ItookhimdowntotheRiverviewHotelandhadhimshakehandswithMrs.Trotter.ThenIshowedhimherbankbookwiththe$2,000tohercredit.

“‘Itseemstobeallright,’saystheSecretService.

“‘Itis,’saysI.‘Andifyou’renotamarriedmanI’llleaveyoutotalkawhilewiththelady.Wewon’tmentionthetwodollars.’

“‘Thanks,’sayshe.‘IfIwasn’t,Imight.Goodday,Mrs.Peters.’

“Towardtheendofthreemonthswehadtakeninsomethingover$5,000,andwesawitwastimetoquit.Wehadagoodmanycomplaintsmadetous;andMrs.Trotterseemedtobetiredofthejob.Agoodmanysuitorshadbeencallingtoseeher,andshedidn’tseemtolikethat.

“Sowe decides to pull out, and I goes down toMrs.Trotter’s hotel to pay her lastweek’ssalaryandsayfarewellandgethercheckforthe$2,000.

“WhenIgotthereIfoundhercryinglikeakidthatdon’twanttogotoschool.

“‘Now, now,’ says I, ‘what’s it all about? Somebody sassed you or you gettinghomesick?’

“‘No,Mr.Peters,’ says she. ‘I’ll tell you.Youwas always a friendofZeke’s, and Idon’tmind.Mr.Peters,I’minlove.IjustloveamansohardIcan’tbearnottogethim.He’sjusttheidealI’vealwayshadinmind.’

“‘Mr.Peters,I’minlove.’”

“‘Thentakehim,’saysI.‘Thatis, if it’samutualcase.Doeshereturnthesentimentaccordingtothespecificationsandpainfulnessyouhavedescribed?’

“‘He does,’ says she. ‘But he’s one of the gentlemen that’s been coming to seemeabouttheadvertisementandhewon’tmarrymeunlessIgivehimthe$2,000.HisnameisWilliam Wilkinson.’ And then she goes off again in the agitations and hysterics ofromance.

“‘Mrs.Trotter,’saysI,‘there’snomanmoresympathizingwithawoman’saffectionsthanIam.Besides,youwasoncethelifepartnerofoneofmybestfriends.IfitwaslefttomeI’dsaytakethis$2,000andthemanofyourchoiceandbehappy.

“‘We could afford to do that, because we have cleaned up over $5,000 from thesesuckersthatwantedtomarryyou.But,’saysI,‘AndyTuckeristobeconsulted.

“‘Heisagoodman,butkeeninbusiness.Heismyequalpartnerfinancially.IwilltalktoAndy,’saysI,‘andseewhatcanbedone.’

“IgoesbacktoourhotelandlaysthecasebeforeAndy.

“‘I was expecting something like this all the time,’ says Andy. ‘You can’t trust awomantostickbyyouinanyschemethatinvolvesheremotionsandpreferences.’

“‘It’sasadthing,Andy,’saysI,‘tothinkthatwe’vebeenthecauseofthebreakingofawoman’sheart.’

“‘Itis,’saysAndy,‘andItellyouwhatI’mwillingtodo,Jeff.You’vealwaysbeenamanofasoftandgenerousheartanddisposition.PerhapsI’vebeentoohardandworldlyandsuspicious.ForonceI’llmeetyouhalfway.GotoMrs.Trotterandtellhertodrawthe

$2,000fromthebankandgiveittothismanshe’sinfatuatedwithandbehappy.’

“I jumpsupandshakesAndy’shand for fiveminutes,and then Igoesback toMrs.Trotterandtellsher,andshecriesashardforjoyasshedidforsorrow.

“TwodaysafterwardmeandAndypackeduptogo.

“‘Wouldn’tyouliketogodownandmeetMrs.Trotteroncebeforeweleave?’Iaskshim.‘She’dlikemightilytoknowyouandexpressherencomiumsandgratitude.’

“‘Why,Iguessnot,’saysAndy.‘Iguesswe’dbetterhurryandcatchthattrain.’

“Iwas strapping our capital aroundme in amemory belt likewe always carried it,whenAndypullsarolloflargebillsoutofhispocketandasksmetoput‘emwiththerest.

“‘What’sthis?’saysI.

“‘What’sthis?’saysI.”

“‘It’sMrs.Trotter’stwothousand,’saysAndy.

“‘Howdoyoucometohaveit?’Iasks.

“‘Shegaveit tome,’saysAndy.‘I’vebeencallingonher threeeveningsaweekformorethanamonth.’

“‘ThenareyouWilliamWilkinson?’saysI.

“‘Iwas,’saysAndy.”

AMIDSUMMERMASQUERADE

“Satan,” said JeffPeters, “isahardboss towork for.Whenotherpeoplearehavingtheirvacationiswhenhekeepsyouthebusiest.AsoldDr.WattsorSt.Paulorsomeotherdiagnosticiansays:‘Healwaysfindssomebodyforidlehandstodo.’

“Irememberonesummerwhenmeandmypartner,AndyTucker,triedtotakealayofffrom our professional and business duties; but it seems that our work followed uswhereverwewent.

“Now,with apreacher it’s different.He can throwoff his responsibilities and enjoyhimself. On the 31st ofMay hewrapsmosquito netting and tin foil around the pulpit,grabs his niblick, breviary and fishing pole and hikes for Lake Como or Atlantic Cityaccordingtothesizeoftheloudnesswithwhichhehasbeencalledbyhiscongregation.And,sir,forthreemonthshedon’thavetothinkaboutbusinessexcepttohuntaroundinDeuteronomyandProverbsandTimothy to find texts to coverandexculpate such littlemidsummer penances as dropping a couple of looey door on rouge or teaching aPresbyterianwidowtoswim.

“ButIwasgoingtotellyouaboutmineandAndy’ssummervacationthatwasn’tone.

“Wewas tiredof financeandall thebranchesofunsanctified ingenuity.EvenAndy,whosebrainrarelyeverstoppedworking,begantomakenoiseslikeatenniscabinet.

“‘Heighho!’saysAndy.‘I’mtired.I’vegotthatsteamuptheyachtCorsairandhofortheRiviera!feeling.Iwanttoloafandindictmysoul,asWaltWhittiersays.IwanttoplaypinochlewithMerrydelValorgiveaknoutingtothetenantsonmyTarrytownestatesordoamonologueataChautauquapicnicinkiltsorsomethingsummeryandoutsidethelineofroutineandsand-bagging.’

“‘Patience,’saysI.‘You’llhavetoclimbhigherintheprofessionbeforeyoucantastethelaurelsthatcrownthefootprintsofthegreatcaptainsofindustry.Now,whatI’dlike,Andy,’ says I, ‘would be a summer sojourn in a mountain village far from scenes oflarceny,laborandovercapitalization.I’mtired,too,andamonthorsoofsinlessnessoughttoleaveusingoodshapetobeginagaintotakeawaythewhiteman’sburdensinthefall.’

“Andyfellinwiththerestcureatonce,sowestruckthegeneralpassengeragentsofall the railroads for summer resort literature, and took a week to study out where weshouldgo.IreckonthefirstpassengeragentintheworldwasthatmanGenesis.Buttherewasn’tmuchcompetitioninhisday,andwhenhesaid:‘TheLordmadetheearth insixdays,andallverygood,’hehadn’tanyideatowhatextentthepressagentsofthesummerhotelswouldplagiarizefromhimlateron.

“When we finished the booklets we perceived, easy, that the United States from

Passadumkeg, Maine, to El Paso, and from Skagway to Key West was a paradise ofgloriousmountainpeaks,crystallakes,newlaideggs,golf,girls,garages,coolingbreezes,strawrides,openplumbingandtennis;andallwithintwohours’ride.

“Some andAndy dumps the books out the backwindow and packs our trunk andtakes the 6 o’clock Tortoise Flyer for Crow Knob, a kind of a dernier resort in themountainsonthelineofTennesseeandNorthCarolina.

“Dumpsthebooksoutofthebackwindow.”

“WewasdirectedtoakindofprivatehotelcalledWoodchuckInn,andthithermeandAndybent andalmostbrokeour footstepsover the rocksand stumps.The Inn setbackfromtheroadinabiggroveoftrees,anditlookedfinewithitsbroadporchesandalotofwomen inwhitedresses rocking in theshade.TherestofCrowKnobwasapostofficeandsomescenerysetanangleofforty-fivedegreesandawelkin.

“Well,sir,whenwegottothegatewhodoyousupposecomesdownthewalktogreetus?OldSmoke-‘em-outSmithers,whoused tobe thebestopenairpainlessdentistandelectricliverpadfakerintheSouthwest.

“OldSmoke-‘em-outisdressedclerico-rural,andhasthemingledairofalandlordanda claim jumper. Which aspect he corroborates by telling us that he is the host andperpetratorofWoodchuckInn.IintroducesAndy,andwetalkaboutafewvolatiletopics,suchaswillgoaroundatmeetingsofboardsofdirectorsandoldassociateslikeusthreewere.OldSmoke-‘em-outleadsusintoakindofsummerhouseintheyardnearthegateandtookuptheharpoflifeandsmoteonallthechordswithhismightyright.

“‘Gents,’sayshe,‘I’mgladtoseeyou.Maybeyoucanhelpmeoutofascrape.I’mgetting a bit old for streetwork, so I leased this dogdays emporium so thegood thingswouldcometome.TwoweeksbeforetheseasonopenedIgetsalettersignedLieut.Pearyand one from theDuke ofMarlborough, eachwanting to engage board for part of thesummer.

“‘Well, sir, yougents knowwhat a big thing for anobscurehustlery itwouldbe tohave for guests two gentlemen whose names are famous from long association withicebergsandtheCoburgs.SoIprintsa lotofhandbillsannouncingthatWoodchuckInnwouldshelter thesedistinguishedboardersduring thesummer,except inplaceswhere itleaked,andIsends‘emout to townsaroundas farasKnoxvilleandCharlotteandFishDamandBowlingGreen.

“‘And now look up there on the porch, gents,’ says Smoke-‘em-out, ‘at themdisconsolate specimens of their fair sex waiting for the arrival of the Duke and theLieutenant.Thehouseispackedfromrafterstocellarwithheroworshippers.

“‘There’s four normal school teachers and two abnormal; there’s three high schoolgraduatesbetween37and42;there’stwoliteraryoldmaidsandonethatcanwrite;there’sacoupleofsocietywomenandaladyfromHawRiver.Twoelocutionistsarebunkinginthecorncrib,andI’veputcotsinthehayloftforthecookandthesocietyeditressoftheChattanoogaOperaGlass.Youseehownamesdraw,gents.’

“‘Well,’saysI,‘howis it thatyouseemtobebitingyourthumbsatgoodluck?Youdidn’tusetobethatway.’

“‘Iain’t through,’saysSmoke-‘em-out. ‘Yesterdaywas thedayfor theadventof theauspiciouspersonages.Igoesdowntothedepottowelcome‘em.Twoapparentlyanimatesubstancesgetsoff the train,bothcarryingbags fullofcroquetmalletsand thesemagiclanternswithpushbuttons.

“Icomparestheseintegerswiththeoriginalsignaturestotheletters—and,well,gents,I reckon themistakewasdue tomypoor eyesight. Insteadofbeing theLieutenant, thedaisychainandwildverbenaexplorerwasnoneother thanLeviT.Peevy,asodawaterclerk from Asheville. And the Duke ofMarlborough turned out to be Theo. Drake ofMurfreesborough,abookkeeperinagrocery.WhatdidIdo?Ikicked‘embothbackonthetrainandwatched‘emdepartforthelowlands,thelow.

InsteadoftheLieut.andtheDuke.

“‘Now you see the fix I’m in, gents,’ goes on Smoke-‘em-out Smithers. ‘I told theladies that the notorious visitors had been detained on the road by some unavoidablecircumstances thatmadeanoise likean ice jamandanheiress,but theywouldarriveadayor two later.When they findout that they’vebeendeceived,’ saysSmoke-‘em-out,‘everyyardofcrossbarredmuslinandnaturalwavedswitchinthehousewillpackupandleave.It’saharddeal,’saysoldSmoke-‘em-out.

“‘Friend,’ says Andy, touching the old man on the æsophagus, ‘why this jeremiadwhenthepolarregionsandtheportalsofBlenheimareconspiringtohandyouprosperityonahall-markedsilversalver.Wehavearrived.’

“AlightbreaksoutonSmoke-‘em-out’sface.

“‘Canyoudoit,gents?’heasks.‘Couldyedoit?Couldyeplaythepolarmanandthelittledukefortheniceladies?Willyedoit?’

“‘Canyedoit,gents?’heasks.”

“I see that Andy is superimposed with his old hankering for the oral and polyglotsystemof buncoing.Thatmanhad avocabularyof about 10,000words and synonyms,whicharrayedthemselvesintocontrabandsophistriesandparableswhentheycameout.

“‘Listen,’ saysAndy tooldSmoke-‘em-out. ‘Canwedo it?Youbeholdbeforeyou,Mr. Smithers, two of the finest equipped men on earth for inveigling the proletariat,whether by word of mouth, sleight-of-hand or swiftness of foot. Dukes come and go,explorers go and get lost, but me and Jeff Peters,’ says Andy, ‘go after the come-onsforever. If you say so,we’re the two illustrious guests youwere expecting.And you’llfind,’saysAndy,‘thatwe’llgiveyouthetruelocalcolorofthetitlerôlesfromtheauroraborealistotheducalportcullis.’

“Old Smoke-‘em-out is delighted. He takesme andAndy up to the inn by an armapiece,tellingusonthewaythatthefinestfruitsofthecanandluxuriesofthefastfreightsshouldbeourswithoutpriceaslongaswewouldstay.

“On the porch Smoke-‘em-out says: ‘Ladies, I have the honor to introduce HisGracefulnesstheDukeofMarlboroughandthefamousinventoroftheNorthPole,Lieut.Peary.’

“Theskirtsall flutterand the rockingchairs squeakasmeandAndybowsand thengoeson inwitholdSmoke-‘em-out to register.And thenwewashedupand turnedourcuffs, and the landlord took us to the rooms he’d been saving for us and got out ademijohnofNorthCarolinarealmountaindew.

“I expected troublewhenAndy began to drink.He has the artisticmetempsychosiswhichishalfdrunkwhensoberandlooksdownonairshipswhenstimulated.

“After lingeringwith the demijohnme andAndy goes out on the porch,where theladies are to begin to earn our keep. We sit in two special chairs and then the

schoolma’amsandliteraterrershunchedtheirrockersclosearoundus.

“Oneladysaystome:‘Howdidthatlastventureofyoursturnout,sir?’

“Now, I’d clean forgot to have an understandingwithAndywhich Iwas to be, thedukeorthelieutenant.AndIcouldn’ttellfromherquestionwhethershewasreferringtoArcticormatrimonialexpeditions.SoIgaveananswerthatwouldcoverbothcases.

“‘Well,ma’am,’saysI,‘itwasafreezeout—rightsmartofafreezeout,ma’am.’

“AndthenthefloodgatesofAndy’sperorationswasopenedandIknewwhichoneoftherenownedostensibleguestsIwassupposedtobe.Iwasn’teither.Andywasboth.Andstill furthermore it seemed thathewas trying tobe themouthpieceof thewholeBritishnobilityandofArcticexplorationfromSirJohnFranklindown.ItwastheunionofcornwhiskeyandtheconscientiousfictionalformthatMr.W.D.Howlettsadmiressomuch.

“‘Ladies,’saysAndy,smilingsemicircularly,‘IamtrulygladtovisitAmerica.Idonotconsider the magna charta,’ says he, ‘or gas balloons or snow-shoes in any way adetriment to the beauty and charm of your American women, skyscrapers or thearchitectureofyouricebergs.Thenexttime,’saysAndy,‘thatIgoaftertheNorthPolealltheVanderbiltsinGreenlandwon’tbeabletoturnmeoutinthecold—Imeanmakeithotforme.’

“‘Tellusaboutoneofyourtrips,Lieutenant,’saysoneofthenormals.

“‘Sure,’saysAndy,gettingthedecisionoverahiccup.‘Itwasinthespringoflastyearthat I sailed the Castle of Blenheim up to latitude 87 degrees Fahrenheit and beat therecord.Ladies,’saysAndy,‘itwasasadsighttoseeaDukealliedbyacivilandliturgicalchattelmortgage tooneofyour first families lost in a regionof semiannualdays.’Andthenhegoeson,‘AtfourbellswesightedWestminsterAbbey,buttherewasnotadroptoeat. At noon we threw out five sandbags, and the ship rose fifteen knots higher. Atmidnight,’continuesAndy,‘therestaurantsclosed.Sittingonacakeof iceweatesevenhotdogs.Allarounduswassnowandice.Sixtimesanighttheboatswainroseupandtorealeafoffthecalendar,sowecouldkeeptimewiththebarometer.At12,’saysAndy,withalotofanguishonhisface,‘threehugepolarbearssprangdownthehatchway, intothecabin.Andthen—’

“‘Whatthen,Lieutenant?’saysaschoolma’am,excitedly.

“Andygivesaloudsob.

“‘TheDuchessshookme,’hecriesout,andslidesoutof thechairandweepsontheporch.

“Well,ofcourse,thatfixedthescheme.Thewomenboardersallleftthenextmorning.Thelandlordwouldn’tspeaktousfortwodays,butwhenhefoundwehadmoneytopayourwayheloosenedup.

“SomeandAndyhadaquiet,restfulsummerafterall,comingawayfromCrowKnobwith$1,100,thatweenticedoutofoldSmoke-‘em-outplayingsevenup.”

SHEARINGTHEWOLF

Jeff Peters was always eloquent when the ethics of his profession was underdiscussion.

“The only times,” said he, “thatme andAndyTucker ever had any hiatuses in ourcordial intents was when we differed on the moral aspects of grafting. Andy had hisstandards and I had mine. I didn’t approve of all of Andy’s schemes for levyingcontributions from the public, and he thought I allowedmy conscience to interfere toooftenforthefinancialgoodofthefirm.Wehadhighargumentssometimes.OnewordledontoanothertillhesaidIremindedhimofRockefeller.

“‘Idon’tknowhowyoumeanthat,Andy,’saysI,‘butwehavebeenfriendstoolongformetotakeoffenseatatauntthatyouwillregretwhenyoucooloff.Ihaveyet,’saysI,‘toshakehandswithasubpœnaserver.’

“One summer me and Andy decided to rest up a spell in a fine little town in themountainsofKentuckycalledGrassdale.Wewassupposedtobehorsedrovers,andgooddecentcitizensbesides,takingasummervacation.TheGrassdalepeoplelikedus,andmeandAndydeclaredacessationofhostilities,never somuchas floating the fly leafofarubberconcessionprospectusorflashingaBraziliandiamondwhilewewasthere.

“OnedaytheleadinghardwaremerchantofGrassdaledropsaroundtothehotelwhereme andAndy stopped, and smokeswith us, sociable, on the side porch.We knewhimprettywellfrompitchingquoitsintheafternoonsinthecourthouseyard.Hewasaloud,redman,breathinghard,butfatandrespectablebeyondallreason.

“Pitchingquoitsintheafternooninthecourthouseyard.”

“Afterwetalkonallthenotoriousthemesoftheday,thisMurkison—forsuchwashisentitlements—takesaletteroutofhiscoatpocketinacareful,carelesswayandhandsittoustoread.

“‘Now,whatdoyouthinkofthat?’sayshe,laughing—‘aletterlikethattoME!’

“MeandAndyseesataglancewhatitis;butwepretendtoreaditthrough.Itwasoneofthemoldtimetypewrittengreengoodslettersexplaininghowfor$1,000youcouldget$5,000inbillsthatanexpertcouldn’ttellfromthegenuine;andgoingontotellhowtheyweremadefromplatesstolenbyanemployeeoftheTreasuryatWashington.

“‘Thinkof‘emsendingaletterlikethattoME!’saysMurkisonagain.

“‘Thinkof‘emsendingaletterlikethattoME!’”

“‘Lot’sofgoodmenget‘em,’saysAndy.‘Ifyoudon’tanswerthefirstlettertheyletyoudrop.Ifyouanswerittheywriteagainaskingyoutocomeonwithyourmoneyanddobusiness.’

“‘Butthinkof‘emwritingtoME!’saysMurkison.

“Afewdayslaterhedropsaroundagain.

“‘Boys,’ says he, ‘I knowyou are all right or Iwouldn’t confide in you. Iwrote tothemrascalsagainjustforfun.TheyansweredandtoldmetocomeontoChicago.Theysaid telegraphtoJ.SmithwhenIwouldstart.WhenIget thereI’mtowaitonacertainstreetcornertillamaninagraysuitcomesalonganddropsanewspaperinfrontofme.ThenIamtoaskhimhowthewateris,andheknowsit’smeandIknowit’shim.’

“‘Ah,yes,’saysAndy,gaping,‘it’sthesameoldgame.I’veoftenreadaboutitinthepapers. Then he conducts you to the private abattoir in the hotel, where Mr. Jones isalreadywaiting.Theyshowyoubrandnewrealmoneyandsellyouallyouwantatfiveforone.Yousee‘emputitinasatchelforyouandknowit’sthere.Ofcourseit’sbrownpaperwhenyoucometolookatitafterward.’

“‘Ofcourse,it’sbrownpaper.’”

“‘Oh,theycouldn’tswitchitonme,’saysMurkison.‘Ihaven’tbuiltupthebestpayingbusiness inGrassdalewithouthavingwitticismsaboutme.Yousay it’s realmoney theyshowyou,Mr.Tucker?’

“‘I’vealways—Iseebythepapersthatitalwaysis,’saysAndy.

“‘Boys,’ saysMurkison, ‘I’ve got it inmymind that them fellows can’t foolme. IthinkI’llputacoupleofthousandinmyjeansandgoupthereandputitallover‘em.IfBillMurkisongetshiseyesonceonthembillstheyshowhimhe’llnevertake‘emoffof‘em.Theyoffer$5for$1,andthey’llhavetosticktothebargainifItackle‘em.That’sthekindoftraderBillMurkisonis.Yes,IjistbelieveI’lldropupChicagowayandtakea5to1shotonJ.Smith.Iguessthewater’llbefineenough.’

“MeandAndytriestogetthisfinancialmisquotationoutofMurkison’shead,butwemightaswellhavetriedtokeepthemanwhorollspeanutswithatoothpickfrombettingon Bryan’s election. No, sir; hewas going to perform a public duty by catching thesegreengoodsswindlersattheirowngame.Maybeitwouldteach‘emalesson.

“After Murkison left us me and Andy sat a while prepondering over our silentmeditations and heresies of reason. In our idle hours we always improved our higherselvesbyratiocinationandmentalthought.

“‘Jeff,’ saysAndyaftera long time, ‘quiteunseldomIhaveseen fit to impugnyourmolarswhenyouhave been chewing the ragwithme about your conscientiouswayofdoingbusiness. Imayhavebeenoftenwrong.But here is a casewhere I thinkwe canagree.IfeelthatitwouldbewrongforustoallowMr.MurkisontogoalonetomeetthoseChicagogreengoodsmen.There isbutoneway it canend.Don’tyou thinkwewouldbothfeelbetterifwewastointerveneinsomewayandpreventthedoingofthisdeed?’

“IgotupandshookAndyTucker’shandhardandlong.

“‘Andy,’saysI,‘Imayhavehadoneortwohardthoughtsabouttheheartlessnessofyourcorporation,but I retract ‘emnow.Youhaveakindnucleusat the interiorofyourexterior after all. It does you credit. I was just thinking the same thing that you haveexpressed.Itwouldnotbehonorableorpraiseworthy,’saysI,‘forustoletMurkisongoonwith this project he has taken up. If he is determined to go let us gowith him andpreventthisswindlefromcomingoff.’

“Andyagreedwithme;andIwasgladtoseethathewasinearnestaboutbreakingupthisgreengoodsscheme.

“‘Idon’tcallmyselfareligiousman,’saysI,‘orafanaticinmoralbigotry,butIcan’tstandstillandseeamanwhohasbuiltuphisbusinessbyhisowneffortsandbrainsandriskberobbedbyanunscrupuloustricksterwhoisamenacetothepublicgood.’

“‘Right,Jeff,’saysAndy.‘We’llstickrightalongwithMurkisonifheinsistsongoingand block this funny business. I’d hate to see anymoney dropped in it as bad as youwould.’

“Well,wewenttoseeMurkison.

“‘No,boys,’sayshe.‘Ican’tconsenttoletthesongofthisChicagosirenwaftbymeonthesummerbreeze.I’llfrysomefatoutofthisignisfatuusorburnaholeintheskillet.ButI’dbeplumbdiverted todeath tohaveyouallgoalongwithme.Maybeyoucouldhelpsomewhenitcomestocashinginthetickettothat5to1shot.Yes,I’dreallytakeit

asapastimeandregalementifyouboyswouldgoalongtoo.’

“MurkisongivesitoutinGrassdalethatheisgoingforafewdayswithMr.PetersandMr.TuckertolookoversomeironorepropertyinWestVirginia.HewiresJ.Smiththathewillsetfootinthespiderwebonagivendate;andthethreeofuslightsoutforChicago.

“On the way Murkison amuses himself with premonitions and advance pleasantrecollections.

“‘Inagraysuit,’sayshe,‘onthesouthwestcornerofWabashavenueandLakestreet.Hedropsthepaper,andIaskhowthewateris.Oh,my,my,my!’Andthenhelaughsalloverforfiveminutes.

“Sometimes Murkison was serious and tried to talk himself out of his cogitations,whatevertheywas.

“‘Boys,’sayshe,‘Iwouldn’thavethistogetoutinGrassdalefortentimesathousanddollars. Itwould ruinme there.But Iknowyouall areall right. I think it’s thedutyofeverycitizen,’sayshe,‘totrytodouptheserobbersthatpreyuponthepublic.I’llshow‘emwhetherthewater’sfine.Fivedollarsforone—that’swhatJ.Smithoffers,andhe’llhavetokeephiscontractifhedoesbusinesswithBillMurkison.’

“WegotintoChicagoabout7P.M.Murkisonwastomeetthegraymanathalfpast9.Wehad dinner at a hotel and thenwent up toMurkison’s room towait for the time tocome.

“‘Now,boys,’saysMurkison,‘let’sgetourgumptiontogetherandinoculateaplanfordefeating the enemy.Supposewhile I’m exchanging airy bandagewith the gray capperyougentscomealong,byaccident,youknow,andholler:“Hello,Murk!”andshakehandswithsymptomsofsurpriseandfamiliarity.ThenItakethecapperasideandtellhimyouallareJenkinsandBrownofGrassdale,groceriesandfeed,goodmenandmaybewillingtotakeachancewhileawayfromhome.’

“‘“Bring‘emalong,”he’llsay,ofcourse,“iftheycaretoinvest.”Now,howdoesthatschemestrikeyou?’

“‘Whatdoyousay,Jeff?’saysAndy,lookingatme.

“‘Why, I’ll tellyouwhat I say,’ says I. ‘I say let’s settle this thing rightherenow. Idon’tseeanyuseofwastinganymoretime.’Itookanickel-plated.38outofmypocketandclickedthecylinderaroundafewtimes.

“‘Youundevout,sinful,insidioushog,’saysItoMurkison,‘getoutthattwothousandand lay it on the table. Obey with velocity,’ says I, ‘for otherwise alternatives areimpending. I am preferably aman ofmildness, but now and then I findmyself in themiddleofextremities.Suchmenasyou,’ Iwentonafterhehad laid themoneyout, ‘iswhatkeepsthejailsandcourthousesgoing.Youcomeupheretorobthesemenoftheirmoney.Doesitexcuseyou?’Iasks,‘thattheyweretryingtoskinyou?No,sir;youwasgoing to rob Peter to stand off Paul.You are ten timesworse,’ says I, ‘than that greengoodsman.Yougotochurchathomeandpretendtobeadecentcitizen,butyou’llcometo Chicago and commit larceny from men that have built up a sound and profitable

business by dealing with such contemptible scoundrels as you have tried to be to-day.Howdoyou know,’ says I, ‘that that green goodsmanhasn’t a large family dependentupon his extortions? It’s you supposedly respectable citizens who are always on thelookouttogetsomethingfornothing,’saysI,‘thatsupportthelotteriesandwild-catminesandstockexchangesandwiretappersofthiscountry.Ifitwasn’tforyouthey’dgooutofbusiness.Thegreengoodsmanyouwasgoingtorob,’saysI,‘studiedmaybeforyearstolearnhis trade.Every turnhemakeshe riskshismoneyand libertyandmaybehis life.You come up here all sanctified and vanoplied with respectability and a pleasing postofficeaddresstoswindlehim.Ifhegetsthemoneyyoucansquealtothepolice.Ifyougetithehocksthegraysuittobuysupperandsaysnothing.Mr.Tuckerandmesizedyouup,’saysI,‘andcamealongtoseethatyougotwhatyoudeserved.Handoverthemoney,’saysI,‘yougrassfedhypocrite.’

“Iputthetwothousand,whichwasallin$20bills,inmyinsidepocket.

“‘Nowgetoutyourwatch,’saysItoMurkison.‘No,Idon’twantit,’saysI.‘Layitonthetableandyousitinthatchairtillitticksoffanhour.Thenyoucango.Ifyoumakeanynoiseorleaveanysoonerwe’llhandbillyoualloverGrassdale.Iguessyourhighpositionthereisworthmorethan$2,000toyou.’

“ThenmeandAndyleft.

“OnthetrainAndywasalongtimesilent.Thenhesays:‘Jeff,doyoumindmyaskingyouaquestion?’

“‘Two,’saysI,‘orforty.’

“‘Wasthattheideayouhad,’sayshe,‘whenwestartedoutwithMurkison?’

“‘Why,certainly,’saysI.‘Whatelsecouldithavebeen?Wasn’tityours,too?’

“In about half an hourAndy spoke again. I think there are timeswhenAndy don’texactlyunderstandmysystemofethicsandmoralhygiene.

“‘Jeff,’sayshe,‘sometimewhenyouhavetheleisureIwishyou’ddrawoffadiagramandfoot-notesofthatconscienceofyours.I’dliketohaveittorefertooccasionally.’”

INNOCENTSOFBROADWAY

“I hope someday to retire frombusiness,” said JeffPeters; “andwhen I do I don’twantanybodytobeabletosaythatIevergotadollarofanyman’smoneywithoutgivinghimaquidprorataforit.I’vealwaysmanagedtoleaveacustomersomelittlegewgawtopasteinhisscrapbookorstickbetweenhisSethThomasclockandthewallafterwearethroughtrading.

“TherewasonetimeIcamenearhavingtobreakthisruleofmineanddoaprofligate

and illaudableaction,but Iwas saved from itby the lawsand statutesofourgreat andprofitablecountry.

“OnesummermeandAndyTucker,mypartner,wenttoNewYorktolayinourannualassortment of clothes and gents’ furnishings. We was always pompous and regardlessdressers,findingthatlookswentfurtherthananythingelseinourbusiness,exceptmaybeourknowledgeof railroad schedules andan autographphotoof thePresident thatLoebsentus,probablybymistake.Andywroteanatureletteronceandsentitinaboutanimalsthathehadseencaughtinatraplotsoftimes.Loebmusthavereadit‘triplets,’insteadof‘traplots,’andsentthephoto.Anyhow,itwasusefultoustoshowpeopleasaguaranteeofgoodfaith.

“MeandAndynevercaredmuch todobusiness inNewYork. Itwas toomuch likepothunting.CatchingsuckersinthattownislikedynamitingaTexaslakeforbass.Allyouhave todoanywherebetween theNorthandEast rivers is tostand in thestreetwithanopenbagmarked, ‘Droppackagesofmoneyhere.Nochecksor loosebills taken.’YouhaveacophandytoclubpikerswhotrytochipinpostofficeordersandCanadianmoney,andthat’sallthereistoNewYorkforahunterwholoveshisprofession.SomeandAndyusedtojustnaturefakethetown.We’dgetoutourspyglassesandwatchthewoodcocksalong the Broadway swamps putting plaster casts on their broken legs, and then we’dsneakawaywithoutfiringashot.

“Oneday in thepapiermâchépalmroomofachloralhydrateandhopsagency inaside street about eight inches off Broadway me and Andy had thrust upon us theacquaintanceofaNewYorker.WehadbeertogetheruntilwediscoveredthateachofusknewamannamedHellsmith, travelingforastovefactoryinDuluth.Thiscausedustoremarkthat theworldwasaverysmallplace,andthenthisNewYorkerbustshisstringand takes off his tin foil and excelsior packing and starts in giving us his EllenTerris,beginning with the time he used to sell shoelaces to the Indians on the spot whereTammanyHallnowstands.

“ThisNewYorkerhadmadehismoneykeepingacigarstoreinBeekmanstreet,andhehadn’tbeenaboveFourteenthstreetintenyears.Moreover,hehadwhiskers,andthetimehadgonebywhenatruesportwilldoanythingtoamanwithwhiskers.Nografterexceptaboywhoissolicitingsubscriberstoanillustratedweeklytowintheprizeairrifle,orawidow,wouldhavethehearttotamperwiththemanbehindwiththerazor.HewasatypicalcityReub—I’dbetthemanhadn’tbeenoutofsightofaskyscraperintwenty-fiveyears.

“Well,presentlythismetropolitanbackwoodsmanpullsoutarollofbillswithanoldbluesleeveelasticfittingtightarounditandopensitup.

“‘There’s$5,000,Mr.Peters,’sayshe,shovingitoverthetabletome,‘savedduringmyfifteenyearsofbusiness.Putthatinyourpocketandkeepitforme,Mr.Peters.I’mgladtomeetyougentlemenfromtheWest,andImaytakeadroptoomuch.Iwantyoutotakecareofmymoneyforme.Now,let’shaveanotherbeer.’

“‘Iwantyoutotakecareofmymoneyforme.’”

“‘You’dbetterkeepthisyourself,’saysI.‘Wearestrangerstoyou,andyoucan’ttrusteverybody youmeet. Put your roll back in your pocket,’ says I. ‘And you’d better runalonghomebeforesomefarm-handfromtheKawRiverbottomsstrollsinhereandsellsyouacoppermine.’

“‘Oh, I don’t know,’ saysWhiskers. ‘I guessLittleOldNewYork can take care ofherself.IguessIknowamanthat’sonthesquarewhenIseehim.I’vealwaysfoundtheWesternpeopleallright.Iaskyouasafavor,Mr.Peters,’sayshe,‘tokeepthatrollinyourpocketforme.IknowagentlemanwhenIseehim.Andnowlet’shavesomemorebeer.’

“Inabouttenminutesthisfallofmannaleansbackinhischairandsnores.Andylooksatmeandsays:‘IreckonI’dbetterstaywithhimforfiveminutesorso,incasethewaitercomesin.’

“Iwentoutthesidedoorandwalkedhalfablockupthestreet.AndthenIcamebackandsatdownatthetable.

“‘Andy,’saysI,‘Ican’tdoit.It’stoomuchlikeswearingofftaxes.Ican’tgooffwiththis man’s money without doing something to earn it like taking advantage of theBankruptactorleavingabottleofeczemalotioninhispockettomakeitlookmorelikeasquaredeal.’

“‘Well,’saysAndy,‘itdoesseemkindofhardonone’sprofessionalpridetolopeoffwithabeardedpard’scompetency,especiallyafterhehasnominatedyoucustodianofhisbundleinthesappyinsoucianceofhisurbanindiscrimination.Supposewewakehimupandsee ifwecanformulatesomecommercial sophistrybywhichhewillbeenabled to

giveusbothhismoneyandagoodexcuse.’

“WewakesupWhiskers.Hestretcheshimself andyawnsout thehypothesis thathemusthavedroppedoff for aminute.And thenhe sayshewouldn’tmind sitting in at alittlegentleman’sgameofpoker.HeusedtoplaysomewhenheattendedhighschoolinBrooklyn;andashewasoutforagoodtime,why—andsoforth.

“Andybrightsupalittleatthat,foritlookslikeitmightbeasolutiontoourfinancialtroubles.Soweall threegotoourhotelfurtherdownBroadwayandhavethecardsandchipsbroughtuptoAndy’sroom.ItriedoncemoretomakethisBabeintheHorticulturalGardenstakehisfivethousand.Butno.

“‘Keepthatlittlerollforme,Mr.Peters,’sayshe,‘andoblige.I’llaskyouferitwhenIwantit.IguessIknowwhenI’mamongfriends.Amanthat’sdonebusinessonBeekmanstreetfortwentyyears,rightintheheartofthewisestoldvillageonearth,oughttoknowwhathe’sabout.IguessIcantellagentlemanfromaconmanoraflimflammerwhenImeet him. I’ve got some odd change inmy clothes—enough to start the gamewith, Iguess.’

“Hegoesthroughhispocketsandrains$20goldcertificatesonthetabletillitlookedlike a $10,000 ‘AutumnDay in aLemonGrove’picturebyTurner in the salons.Andyalmostsmiled.

“Thefirstroundthatwasdealt,thisboulevardierslapsdownhishand,claimslowandjackandbigcasinoandrakesinthepot.

“Andyalwaystookaprideinhispokerplaying.Hegotupfromthetableandlookedsadlyoutofthewindowatthestreetcars.

“‘Well,gentlemen,’saysthecigarman,‘Idon’tblameyoufornotwantingtoplay.I’veforgottenthefinepointsofthegame,Iguess,it’sbeensolongsinceIindulged.Now,howlongareyougentlemengoingtobeinthecity?’

“I toldhimaboutaweek longer.Hesays that’ll suithimfine.Hiscousin iscomingover fromBrooklyn thateveningand theyaregoing tosee thesightsofNewYork.Hiscousin,hesays, is in theartificial limband leadcasketbusiness,andhasn’tcrossed thebridge in eight years. They expect to have the time of their lives, and hewinds up byaskingmetokeephisrollofmoneyforhimtillnextday.Itriedtomakehimtakeit,butitonlyinsultedhimtomentionit.

“‘I’llusewhatI’vegotinloosechange,’sayshe.‘Youkeeptherestforme.I’lldropinonyouandMr.Tuckerto-morrowafternoonabout6or7,’sayshe,‘andwe’llhavedinnertogether.Begood.’

“AfterWhiskershadgoneAndylookedatmecuriousanddoubtful.

“‘Well,Jeff,’sayshe,‘itlooksliketheravensaretryingtofeedustwoElijahssohardthatifweturned‘emdownagainweoughttohavetheAudubonSocietyafterus.Itwon’tdotoputthecrownasidetoooften.Iknowthisissomethinglikepaternalism,butdon’tyouthinkOpportunityhasskinneditsknucklesaboutenoughknockingatourdoor?’

“I put my feet up on the table and my hands in my pockets, which is an attitudeunfavorabletofrivolousthoughts.

“‘Andy,’saysI, ‘thismanwith thehirsutewhiskershasgotus inapredicament.Wecan’tmovehandorfootwithhismoney.Youandmehavegotagentleman’sagreementwithFortunethatwecan’tbreak.We’vedonebusiness in theWestwhereit’smoreofafair game.Out there thepeoplewe skin are trying to skinus, even the farmers and theremittancementhatthemagazinessendouttowriteupGoldfields.Butthere’slittlesportinNewYorkcity for rod, reelorgun.Theyhuntherewitheitheroneof two things—aslungshotora letterof introduction.The townhasbeen stockedso fullofcarp that thegamefishareallgone.Ifyouspreadanethere,doyoucatchlegitimatesuckersinit,suchastheLordintendedtobecaught—freshguyswhoknowitall,sportswithalittlecoinandthenervetoplayanotherman’sgame,streetcrowdsoutforthefunofdroppingadollarortwoandvillagesmartieswhoknowjustwherethelittlepeais?No,sir,’saysI.‘Whatthegraftersliveonhereiswidowsandorphans,andforeignerswhosaveupabagofmoneyandhanditoutoverthefirstcountertheyseewithanironrailingtoit,andfactorygirlsandlittleshopkeepersthatneverleavetheblocktheydobusinesson.That’swhattheycallsuckershere.They’renothingbutcannedsardines,andallthebaityouneedtocatch‘emisapocketknifeandasodacracker.

“‘Now,thiscigarman,’Iwenton,‘isoneofthetypes.He’slivedtwentyyearsononestreet without learning as much as you would in getting a once-over shave from alockjawed barber in a Kansas crossroads town. But he’s a NewYorker, and he’ll bragaboutthatallthetimewhenheisn’tpickinguplivewiresorgettinginfrontofstreetcarsorpayingoutmoneytowire-tappersorstandingunderasafe that’sbeinghoisted intoaskyscraper.WhenaNewYorkerdoesloosenup,’saysI,‘it’slikethespringdecompositionoftheicejamintheAlleghenyRiver.He’llswampyouwithcrackediceandback-waterifyoudon’tgetoutoftheway.

“‘It’smighty lucky for us, Andy,’ says I, ‘that this cigar exponentwith the parsleydressingsawfittobedeckuswithhischildliketrustandaltruism.For,’saysI,‘thismoneyofhisisaneyesoretomysenseofrectitudeandethics.Wecan’ttakeit,Andy;youknowwecan’t,’saysI,‘forwehaven’tashadowofatitletoit—notashadow.IftherewastheleastbitofawaywecouldputinaclaimtoitI’dbewillingtoseehimstartinforanothertwentyyearsandmakeanother$5,000forhimself,butwehaven’tsoldhimanything,wehaven’t been embroiled in a trade or anything commercial.He approachedus friendly,’saysI,‘andwithblindandbeautifulidiocylaidthestuffinourhands.We’llhavetogiveitbacktohimwhenhewantsit.’

“‘Wecan’ttakeit,Andy.’”

“‘Your arguments,’ says Andy, ‘are past criticism or comprehension. No, we can’twalk offwith themoney—as things now stand. I admire your consciousway of doingbusiness, Jeff,’ saysAndy, ‘and Iwouldn’t propose anything thatwasn’t square in linewithyourtheoriesofmoralityandinitiative.

“‘But I’ll be away to-night andmost of to-morrow Jeff,’ saysAndy. ‘I’vegot somebusiness affairs that Iwant to attend to.When this free greenbacks party comes in to-morrowafternoonholdhimheretillIarrive.We’veallgotanengagementfordinner,youknow.’

“Well,sir,about5thenextafternoonintripsthecigarman,withhiseyeshalfopen.

“‘Beenhavingaglorioustime,Mr.Peters,’sayshe.‘Tookinallthesights.ItellyouNewYorkistheonliestonly.Nowifyoudon’tmind,’sayshe,‘I’llliedownonthatcouchanddozeoffforaboutnineminutesbeforeMr.Tuckercomes.I’mnotusedtobeingupallnight.Andto-morrow,ifyoudon’tmind,Mr.Peters,I’lltakethatfivethousand.Imetamanlastnightthat’sgotasurewinnerattheracetrackto-morrow.Excusemeforbeingsoimpoliteastogotosleep,Mr.Peters.’

“Andsothisinhabitantofthesecondcityintheworldreposeshimselfandbeginstosnore,whileIsittheremusingoverthingsandwishingIwasbackintheWest,whereyoucouldalwaysdependonacustomer fighting tokeephismoneyhardenough to letyourconsciencetakeitfromhim.

“Athalf-past5Andycomesinandseesthesleepingform.

“‘I’vebeenovertoTrenton,’saysAndy,pullingadocumentoutofhispocket.‘IthinkI’vegotthismatterfixedupallright,Jeff.Lookatthat.’

“Iopen thepaperandsee that it isacorporationcharter issuedby theStateofNewJersey to ‘The Peters & Tucker Consolidated and Amalgamated Aerial FranchiseDevelopmentCompany,Limited.’

“‘It’s to buy up rights of way for airship lines,’ explained Andy. ‘The Legislaturewasn’tinsession,butIfoundamanatapostcardstandinthelobbythatkeptastockofchartersonhand.Thereare100,000shares,’saysAndy,‘expectedtoreachaparvalueof$1.Ihadoneblankcertificateofstockprinted.’

“Andytakesouttheblankandbeginstofillitinwithafountainpen.

“‘Thewhole bunch,’ says he, ‘goes to our friend in dreamland for $5,000.Did youlearnhisname?’

“‘Makeitouttobearer,’saysI.

“Weputthecertificateofstockinthecigarman’shandandwentouttopackoursuitcases.

“Weputthecertificateofstockinthecigarman’shand.”

“OntheferryboatAndysaystome:‘Isyourconscienceeasyabouttakingthemoneynow,Jeff?’

“‘Why shouldn’t it be?’ says I. ‘Are we any better than any other HoldingCorporation?’”

CONSCIENCEINART

“I never could hold my partner, Andy Tucker, down to legitimate ethics of pureswindling,”saidJeffPeterstomeoneday.

“Andyhadtoomuchimaginationtobehonest.Heusedtodeviseschemesofmoney-getting so fraudulent and high-financial that they wouldn’t have been allowed in thebylawsofarailroadrebatesystem.

“Myself,Ineverbelievedintakinganyman’sdollarsunlessIgavehimsomethingforit—something in the way of rolled gold jewelry, garden seeds, lumbago lotion, stockcertificates,stovepolishoracrackontheheadtoshowforhismoney.IguessImusthavehadNewEnglandancestorsawaybackandinheritedsomeoftheirstanchandruggedfearofthepolice.

“ButAndy’sfamilytreewasindifferentkind.Idon’t thinkhecouldhavetracedhisdescentanyfurtherbackthanacorporation.

“OnesummerwhilewewasinthemiddleWest,workingdowntheOhiovalleywithaline of family albums, headache powders and roach destroyer, Andy takes one of hisnotionsofhighandactionablefinanciering.

“‘Jeff,’sayshe,‘I’vebeenthinkingthatweoughttodroptheserutabagafanciersandgiveourattentiontosomethingmorenourishingandprolific.Ifwekeeponsnapshootingthesehindsfortheireggmoneywe’llbeclassedasnaturefakers.Howaboutplungingintothefastnessesoftheskyscrapercountryandbitingsomebigbullcaribousinthechest?’

“‘Well,’ says I, ‘you knowmy idiosyncrasies. I prefer a square, non-illegal style ofbusiness such as we are carrying on now. When I take money I want to leave sometangibleobjectintheotherfellow’shandsforhimtogazeatandtodistracthisattentionfrommyspoor,evenifit’sonlyaKomicalKussTrickFingerRingforSquirtingPerfumeinaFriend’sEye.Butifyou’vegotafreshidea,Andy,’saysI,‘let’shavealookatit.I’mnotsoweddedtopettygraftthatIwouldrefusesomethingbetterinthewayofasubsidy.’

“‘Iwas thinking,’ saysAndy, ‘ofa littlehuntwithouthorn,houndorcameraamongthegreatherdoftheMidasAmericanus,commonlyknownasthePittsburgmillionaires.’

“‘InNewYork?’Iasks.

“‘No, sir,’ saysAndy, ‘in Pittsburg. That’s their habitat. They don’t likeNewYork.Theygotherenowandthenjustbecauseit’sexpectedof‘em.’

“‘APittsburgmillionaireinNewYorkislikeaflyinacupofhotcoffee—heattractsattentionandcomment,buthedon’tenjoy it.NewYork ridiculeshimfor“blowing”somuchmoney in that townofsneaksandsnobs,andsneers.The truth is,hedon’t spendanything while he is there. I saw a memorandum of expenses for a ten days trip toBunkumTownmadebyaPittsburgmanworth$15,000,000once.Here’sthewayhesetitdown:

R.R.faretoandfrom $2100Cabfaretoandfromhotel 200Hotelbill@$5perday 5000Tips 5,75000 ________

Total $5,82300

“‘That’sthevoiceofNewYork,’goesonAndy.‘Thetown’snothingbutaheadwaiter.Ifyoutipittoomuchit’llgoandstandbythedoorandmakefunofyoutothehatcheckboy.WhenaPittsburgerwants tospendmoneyandhaveagood timehestaysathome.That’swherewe’llgotocatchhim.’

“Well, tomakeadensestorymorecondensed,meandAndycachedourparisgreenand antipyrine powders and albums in a friend’s cellar, and took the trail to Pittsburg.Andy didn’t have any especial prospectus of chicanery and violence drawn up, but healwayshadplentyofconfidencethathisimmoralnaturewouldrisetoanyoccasionthatpresenteditself.

“Asaconcessiontomyideasofself-preservationandrectitudehepromisedthat if Ishould takeanactiveand incriminatingpart inany littlebusinessventure thatwemightworkupthereshouldbesomethingactualandcognizanttothesensesoftouch,sight,tasteorsmell to transfer to thevictimfor themoneysomyconsciencemightresteasy.AfterthatIfeltbetterandenteredmorecheerfullyintothefoulplay.

“‘Andy,’ says I, as we strayed through the smoke along the cinderpath they callSmithfieldstreet,‘hadyoufiguredouthowwearegoingtogetacquaintedwiththesecokekingsandpigironsqueezers?NotthatIwoulddecrymyownworthorsystemofdrawingroomdeportment,andworkwiththeoliveforkandpieknife,’saysI,‘butisn’ttheentreenousintothesalonsofthestogiesmokersgoingtobeharderthanyouimagined?’

“‘If there’s any handicap at all,’ says Andy, ‘it’s our own refinement and inherentculture. Pittsburg millionaires are a fine body of plain, wholehearted, unassuming,democraticmen.

“‘Theyare roughbutuncivil in theirmanners, and though theirwaysareboisterousandunpolished,underitalltheyhaveagreatdealofimpolitenessanddiscourtesy.Nearlyeveryoneof‘emrosefromobscurity,’saysAndy,‘andthey’llliveinittillthetowngetstousingsmokeconsumers.Ifweactsimpleandunaffectedanddon’tgotoofarfromthesaloons and keepmaking a noise like an import duty on steel railswewon’t have anytroubleinmeetingsomeof‘emsocially.’

“WellAndyandmedriftedabouttownthreeorfourdaysgettingourbearings.Wegottoknowingseveralmillionairesbysight.

“Oneusedtostophisautomobileinfrontofourhotelandhaveaquartofchampagnebroughtouttohim.Whenthewaiteropenedithe’dturnituptohismouthanddrinkitoutofthebottle.Thatshowedheusedtobeaglassblowerbeforehemadehismoney.

“OneeveningAndyfailedtocometothehotelfordinner.About11o’clockhecameintomyroom.

“‘Landedone,Jeff,’sayshe.‘Twelvemillions.Oil,rollingmills,realestateandnaturalgas.He’safineman;noairsabouthim.Madeallhismoneyinthelastfiveyears.He’sgotprofessorspostinghimupnowineducation—artandliteratureandhaberdasheryandsuchthings.

“‘WhenIsawhimhe’djustwonabetof$10,000withaSteelCorporationmanthatthere’dbefoursuicidesintheAlleghenyrollingmillsto-day.Soeverybodyinsighthadtowalkupandhavedrinksonhim.Hetookafancytomeandaskedmetodinnerwithhim.WewenttoarestaurantinDiamondalleyandsatonstoolsandhadasparklingMoselleandclamchowderandapplefritters.

“‘ThenhewantedtoshowmehisbachelorapartmentonLibertystreet.He’sgot tenroomsoverafishmarketwithprivilegeofthebathonthenextfloorabove.Hetoldmeitcosthim$18,000tofurnishhisapartment,andIbelieveit.

“‘He’sgot$40,000worthofpictures inone room,and$20,000worthof curiosandantiquesinanother.Hisname’sScudder,andhe’s45,andtakinglessonsonthepianoand15,000barrelsofoiladayoutofhiswells.’

“‘Allright,’saysI.‘Preliminarycantersatisfactory.But,kayvooly,voo?Whatgoodistheartjunktous?Andtheoil?’

“‘Now, thatman,’ saysAndy, sitting thoughtfullyon thebed, ‘ain’twhatyouwouldcallanordinaryscutt.Whenhewasshowingmehiscabinetofartcurioshisfacelightedup like thedoorof a cokeoven.He says that if someofhisbigdealsgo throughhe’llmake J.P.Morgan’scollectionof sweatshop tapestryandAugusta,Me.,beadwork looklikethecontentsofanostrich’scrawthrownonascreenbyamagiclantern.

“‘Andthenheshowedmealittlecarving,’wentonAndy,‘thatanybodycouldseewasawonderful thing. Itwas something like2,000yearsold,he said. Itwasa lotus flowerwithawoman’sfaceinitcarvedoutofasolidpieceofivory.

“Scudderlooksitupinacatalogueanddescribesit.AnEgyptiancarvernamedKhaframadetwoof‘emforKingRamesesII.abouttheyearB.C.Theotheronecan’tbefound.ThejunkshopsandantiquebugshaverubberedallEuropeforit,butitseemstobeoutofstock.Scudderpaid$2,000fortheonehehas.’

“‘Oh,well,’saysI,‘thissoundslikethepurlingofarilltome.Ithoughtwecameheretoteachthemillionairesbusiness,insteadoflearningartfrom‘em?’

“‘Bepatient,’saysAndy,kindly.‘Maybewewillseeariftinthesmokeerelong.’

“AllthenextmorningAndywasout.Ididn’tseehimuntilaboutnoon.Hecametothehotelandcalledmeintohisroomacrossthehall.Hepulledaroundishbundleaboutasbigasagooseeggoutofhispocketandunwrappedit.Itwasanivorycarvingjustashehaddescribedthemillionaire’stome.

“‘Iwentinanoldsecondhandstoreandpawnshopawhileago,’saysAndy,‘andIsee

this half hidden under a lot of old daggers and truck.The pawnbroker said he’d had itseveralyearsandthinksitwassoakedbysomeArabsorTurksorsomeforeigndubsthatusedtolivedownbytheriver.

“‘Iofferedhim$2forit,andImusthavelookedlikeIwantedit,forhesaiditwouldbetakingthepumpernickeloutofhischildren’smouthstoholdanyconversationthatdidnotleaduptoapriceof$35.Ifinallygotitfor$25.

“‘Jeff,’ goes on Andy, ‘this is the exact counterpart of Scudder’s carving. It’sabsolutelyadeadringerforit.He’llpay$2,000foritasquickashe’dtuckanapkinunderhis chin. And why shouldn’t it be the genuine other one, anyhow, that the old gypsywhittledout?’

“‘Whynot, indeed?’ says I. ‘Andhowshallwegoaboutcompellinghim tomakeavoluntarypurchaseofit?’

“Andyhadhisplanallready,andI’lltellyouhowwecarrieditout.

“Igotapairofbluespectacles,putonmyblackfrockcoat,rumpledmyhairupandbecame Prof. Pickleman. I went to another hotel, registered, and sent a telegram toScuddertocometoseemeatonceonimportantartbusiness.Theelevatordumpedhimonmeinlessthananhour.Hewasafoggymanwithaclarionvoice,smellingofConnecticutwrappersandnaphtha.

“‘Hello,Profess!’heshouts.‘How’syourconduct?’

“Irumpledmyhairsomemoreandgavehimablueglassstare.

“‘Sir,’saysI,‘areyouCorneliusT.Scudder?OfPittsburg,Pennsylvania?’

“‘Iam,’sayshe.‘Comeoutandhaveadrink.’

“‘I’ve neither the time nor the desire,’ says I, ‘for such harmful and deleteriousamusements. IhavecomefromNewYork,’saysI, ‘onamatterofbusi—onamatterofart.

“‘I learned there thatyouare theownerofanEgyptian ivorycarvingof the timeofRamesesII.,representingtheheadofQueenIsisinalotusflower.Therewereonlytwoofsuch carvings made. One has been lost for many years. I recently discovered andpurchased the other in a pawn—in an obscure museum in Vienna. I wish to purchaseyours.Nameyourprice.’

“‘Well,thegreaticejams,Profess!’saysScudder.‘Haveyoufoundtheotherone?Mesell?No. I don’t guessCorneliusScudderneeds to sell anything that hewants tokeep.Haveyougotthecarvingwithyou,Profess?’

“IshowsittoScudder.Heexaminesitcarefulallover.

“‘It’sthearticle,’sayshe.‘It’saduplicateofmine,everylineandcurveofit.TellyouwhatI’lldo,’hesays.‘Iwon’tsell,butI’llbuy.Giveyou$2,500foryours.’

“‘Sinceyouwon’tsell,Iwill,’saysI.‘Largebills,please.I’mamanoffewwords.ImustreturntoNewYorkto-night.Ilectureto-morrowattheaquarium.’

“Scudder sendsa checkdownand thehotel cashes it.HegoesoffwithhispieceofantiquityandIhurrybacktoAndy’shotel,accordingtoarrangement.

“Andyiswalkingupanddowntheroomlookingathiswatch.

“‘Well?’hesays.

“‘Twenty-fivehundred,’saysI.‘Cash.’

“‘We’vegotjustelevenminutes,’saysAndy,‘tocatchtheB.&O.westbound.Grabyourbaggage.’

“‘What’sthehurry,’saysI.‘Itwasasquaredeal.Andevenifitwasonlyanimitationoftheoriginalcarvingit’lltakehimsometimetofinditout.Heseemedtobesureitwasthegenuinearticle.’

“‘Itwas,’saysAndy.‘Itwashisown.WhenIwaslookingathiscuriosyesterdayhesteppedoutoftheroomforamomentandIpocketedit.Now,willyoupickupyoursuitcaseandhurry?’

“‘Then,’saysI,‘whywasthatstoryaboutfindinganotheroneinthepawn—’

“‘Oh,’saysAndy,‘outofrespectforthatconscienceofyours.Comeon.’”

THEMANHIGHERUP

Acrossourtwodishesofspaghetti,inacornerofProvenzano’srestaurant,JeffPeterswasexplainingtomethethreekindsofgraft.

EverywinterJeffcomestoNewYorktoeatspaghetti, towatchtheshippinginEastRiverfromthedepthsofhischinchillaovercoat,andtolayinasupplyofChicago-madeclothingatoneoftheFultonstreetstores.Duringtheotherthreeseasonshemaybefoundfurther west—his range is from Spokane to Tampa. In his profession he takes a pridewhich he supports and defends with a serious and unique philosophy of ethics. Hisprofessionisnonewone.Heisanincorporated,uncapitalized,unlimitedasylumforthereceptionoftherestlessandunwisedollarsofhisfellowmen.

InthewildernessofstoneinwhichJeffseekshisannuallonelyholidayheisgladtopalaver of his many adventures, as a boy will whistle after sundown in a wood.Wherefore, I mark on my calendar the time of his coming, and open a question ofprivilegeatProvenzano’sconcerningthelittlewine-stainedtableinthecornerbetweentherakishrubberplantandtheframedpalazziodellasomethingonthewall.

“Therearetwokindsofgraft,”saidJeff,“thatoughttobewipedoutbylaw.ImeanWallStreetspeculation,andburglary.”

“Nearlyeverybodywillagreewithyouastooneofthem,”saidI,withalaugh.

“Well, burglary ought to bewiped out, too,” said Jeff; and Iwonderedwhether thelaughhadbeenredundant.

“About threemonthsago,”saidJeff,“itwasmyprivilege tobecomefamiliarwithasampleofeachof theaforesaidbranchesof illegitimateart. Iwassinequagratawithamemberofthehousebreakers’unionandoneoftheJohnD.Napoleonsoffinanceatthesametime.”

“Interestingcombination,”saidI,withayawn.“DidItellyouIbaggedaduckandaground-squirrel at one shot lastweekover in theRamapos?” I knewwell how to drawJeff’sstories.

“Let me tell you first about these barnacles that clog the wheels of society bypoisoningthespringsofrectitudewiththeirupas-likeeye,”saidJeff,withthepuregleamofthemuck-rakerinhisown.

“AsIsaid,threemonthsagoIgotintobadcompany.Therearetwotimesinaman’slifewhenhedoesthis—whenhe’sdeadbroke,andwhenhe’srich.

“Nowandthenthemostlegitimatebusinessrunsoutofluck.ItwasoutinArkansasImadethewrongturnatacross-road,anddrivesintothistownofPeavinebymistake.ItseemsIhadalreadyassaultedanddisfiguredPeavinethespringoftheyearbefore.Ihadsold $600 worth of young fruit trees there—plums, cherries, peaches and pears. ThePeaviners were keeping an eye on the country road and hoping I might pass that wayagain.IdrovedownMainstreetasfarastheCrystalPalacedrugstorebeforeIrealizedIhadcommittedambushuponmyselfandmywhitehorseBill.

“ThePeaviners tookmebysurpriseandBillby thebridleandbeganaconversationthatwasn’tentirelydisassociatedwith thesubjectoffruit trees.Acommitteeof‘emransometrace-chainsthroughthearmholesofmyvest,andescortedmethroughtheirgardensandorchards.

“Their fruit trees hadn’t lived up to their labels.Most of ‘em had turned out to bepersimmonsanddogwoods,withagroveortwoofblackjacksandpoplars.Theonlyonethatshowedanysignsofbearinganythingwasafineyoungcottonwoodthathadputforthahornet’snestandhalfofanoldcorset-cover.

“ThePeavinersprotractedourfruitlessstrolltotheedgeoftown.Theytookmywatchandmoneyonaccount;andtheykeptBillandthewagonashostages.TheysaidthefirsttimeoneofthemdogwoodtreesputforthanAmsden’sJunepeachImightcomebackandgetmythings.ThentheytookoffthetracechainsandjerkedtheirthumbsinthedirectionoftheRockyMountains;andIstruckaLewisandClarklopefortheswollenriversandimpenetrableforests.

“WhenIregainedintellectualnessIfoundmyselfwalkingintoanunidentifiedtownontheA.,T.&S.F.railroad.ThePeavinershadn’tleftanythinginmypocketsexceptaplugofchewing—theywasn’taftermylife—andthatsavedit.Ibitoffachunkandsitsdownonapileoftiesbythetracktorecogitatemysensationsofthoughtandperspicacity.

“Andthenalongcomesafastfreightwhichslowsupalittleatthetown;andoffofit

dropsablackbundle that rolls for twentyyards inacloudofdustand thengetsupandbegins to spit soft coal and interjections. I see it is ayoungmanbroad across the face,dressedmoreforPullmansthanfreights,andwithacheerfulkindofsmileinspiteofitallthatmadePhœbeSnow’sjoblooklikeachimney-sweep’s.

“‘Falloff?’saysI.

“‘Nunk,’sayshe.‘Gotoff.Arrivedatmydestination.Whattownisthis?’

“‘Haven’tlookedituponthemapyet,’saysI.‘Igotinaboutfiveminutesbeforeyoudid.Howdoesitstrikeyou?’

“‘Hard,’sayshe,twistingoneofhisarmsaround.‘Ibelievethatshoulder—no,it’sallright.’

“Hestoopsovertobrushthedustoffhisclothes,whenoutofhispocketdropsafine,nine-inchburglar’ssteeljimmy.Hepicksitupandlooksatmesharp,andthengrinsandholdsouthishand.

“‘Brother,’ says he, ‘greetings. Didn’t I see you in SouthernMissouri last summersellingcoloredsandathalf-a-dollara teaspoonful toput into lampstokeeptheoil fromexploding?’

“‘Oil,’ says I, ‘never explodes. It’s the gas that forms that explodes.’ But I shakeshandswithhim,anyway.

“‘My name’s Bill Bassett,’ says he to me, ‘and if you’ll call it professional prideinsteadofconceit,I’llinformyouthatyouhavethepleasureofmeetingthebestburglarthateversetagum-shoeongrounddrainedbytheMississippiRiver.’

“Well,meandthisBillBassettsitsonthetiesandexchangesbragsasartistsinkindredlineswill do. It seemshedidn’thavea cent, either, andwewent into close caucus.Heexplainedwhy an able burglar sometimes had to travel on freights by tellingme that aservantgirlhadplayedhimfalseinLittleRock,andhewasmakingaquickget-away.

“‘It’spartofmybusiness,’saysBillBassett,‘toplayuptotheruffleswhenIwanttomakeariffleasRaffles.‘Tislovesthatmakesthebitgo‘round.Showmeahousewithaswaginitandaprettyparlor-maid,andyoumightaswellcallthesilvermelteddownandsold,andmespillingtrufflesandthatChateaustuffonthenapkinundermychin,whilethepolicearecallingitaninsidejobjustbecausetheoldlady’snephewteachesaBibleclass. I firstmake an impression on the girl,’ saysBill, ‘andwhen she letsme inside Imakeanimpressiononthelocks.ButthisoneinLittleRockdoneme,’sayshe.‘Shesawmetakingatrolleyridewithanothergirl,andwhenIcame‘roundonthenightshewastoleavethedooropenformeitwasfast.AndIhadkeysmadeforthedoorsupstairs.But,nosir.Shehadsurecutoffmylocks.ShewasaDelilah,’saysBillBassett.

“It seems that Bill tried to break in anyhowwith his jimmy, but the girl emitted asuccessionofbravuranoiseslikethetop-ridersofatally-ho,andBillhadtotakeall thehurdlesbetweenthereandthedepot.Ashehadnobaggagetheytriedhard tocheckhisdeparture,buthemadeatrainthatwasjustpullingout.

“‘Well,’ says Bill Bassett, when we had exchanged memories of our dead lives, ‘Icouldeat.This towndon’t look like itwaskeptunderaYale lock.Supposewecommitsomemildatrocity thatwillbring in temporaryexpensemoney. Idon’t supposeyou’vebroughtalonganyhairtonicorrolledgoldwatch-chains,orsimilarlaw-defyingswindlesthatyoucouldsellontheplazatothepikersofthepareticpopulace,haveyou?’

“‘No,’ says I, ‘I left an elegant line of Patagonian diamond earrings and rainy-daysunburstsinmyvaliseatPeavine.Butthey’retostaythereuntilsomeofthoseblack-gumtreesbegintoglut themarketwithyellowclingsandJapaneseplums.Ireckonwecan’tcountonthemunlesswetakeLutherBurbankinforapartner.’

“‘Verywell,’saysBassett, ‘we’lldothebestwecan.MaybeafterdarkI’llborrowahairpinfromsomelady,andopentheFarmersandDroversMarineBankwithit.’

“Whileweweretalking,uppullsapassengertraintothedepotnearby.Apersoninahighhatgetsoffonthewrongsideofthetrainandcomestrippingdownthetracktowardsus.Hewas a little, fatmanwith a big nose and rat’s eyes, but dressed expensive, andcarryingahand-satchelcareful,asifithadeggsorrailroadsbondsinit.Hepassesbyusandkeepsondownthetrack,notappearingtonoticethetown.

“‘Comeon,’saysBillBassetttome,startingafterhim.

“‘Where?’Iasks.

“‘Lordy!’ saysBill, ‘had you forgot youwas in the desert?Didn’t you seeColonelMannadropdownrightbeforeyoureyes?Don’tyouheartherustlingofGeneralRaven’swings?I’msurprisedatyou,Elijah.’

“Weovertookthestrangerintheedgeofsomewoods,and,asitwasaftersun-downandinaquietplace,nobodysawusstophim.Billtakesthesilkhatofftheman’sheadandbrushesitwithhissleeveandputsitback.

“‘Whatdoesthismean,sir?’saystheman.

“‘WhenIworeoneofthese,’saysBill,‘andfeltembarrassed,Ialwaysdonethat.Nothavingone now I had to use yours. I hardly knowhow to begin, sir, in explaining ourbusinesswithyou,butIguesswe’lltryyourpocketsfirst.’

“BillBassettfeltinallofthem,andlookeddisgusted.

“‘Notevenawatch,’hesays.‘Ain’tyouashamedofyourself,youwhitedsculpture?Goingaboutdressedlikeahead-waiter,andfinancedlikeaCount!Youhaven’tevengotcarfare.Whatdidyoudowithyourtransfer?’

“Themanspeaksupandsayshehasnoassetsorvaluablesofanysort.ButBassetttakeshishand-satchelandopensit.Outcomessomecollarsandsocksandahalfapageofa newspaper clipped out. Bill reads the clipping careful, and holds out his hand to theheld-upparty.

“‘Brother,’sayshe,‘greetings!Accepttheapologiesoffriends.IamBillBassett,theburglar.Mr.Peters,youmustmaketheacquaintanceofMr.AlfredE.Ricks.Shakehands.Mr.Peters,’saysBill,‘standsabouthalfwaybetweenmeandyou,Mr.Ricks,inthelineof

havocandcorruption.Healwaysgivessomethingforthemoneyhegets.I’mgladtomeetyou,Mr.Ricks—youandMr.Peters.ThisisthefirsttimeIeverattendedafullgatheringof the National Synod of Sharks—housebreaking, swindling, and financiering allrepresented.PleaseexamineMr.Rick’scredentials,Mr.Peters.’

“ThepieceofnewspaperthatBillBassetthandedmehadagoodpictureofthisRicksonit.ItwasaChicagopaper,andithadobloquiesofRicksineveryparagraph.ByreadingitoverIharvestedtheintelligencethatsaidallegedRickshadlaidoffall thatportionoftheStateofFloridathatliesunderwaterintotownlotsandsold‘emtoallegedinnocentinvestors from hismagnificently furnished offices in Chicago. After he had taken in ahundred thousand or so dollars one of these fussy purchasers that are always makingtrouble (I’ve had ‘em actually try gold watches I’ve sold ‘emwith acid) took a cheapexcursiondowntothelandwhereitisalwaysjustbeforesuppertolookathislotandseeifitdidn’tneedanewpalingortwoonthefence,andmarketafewlemonsintimefortheChristmaspresenttrade.Hehiresasurveyortofindhislotforhim.TheyrunthelineoutandfindtheflourishingtownofParadiseHollow,soadvertised,tobeabout40rodsand16polesS.,27degreesE.ofthemiddleofLakeOkeechobee.Thisman’slotwasunderthirty-sixfeetofwater,and,besides,hadbeenpreemptedsolongbythealligatorsandgarsthathistitlelookedfishy.

“Naturally,themangoesbacktoChicagoandmakesitashotforAlfredE.Ricksasthemorningafterapredictionofsnowbytheweatherbureau.Ricksdefiedtheallegation,buthecouldn’tdenythealligators.Onemorningthepaperscameoutwithacolumnaboutit,andRickscomeoutbythefire-escape.Itseemstheallegedauthoritieshadbeathimtothesafe-depositboxwherehekepthiswinnings,andRickshastowestwardho!withonlyfeetwearandadozen15-and-a-halfEnglishpokes inhis shoppingbag.Hehappened tohavesomemileageleftinhisbook,andthattookhimasfarasthetowninthewildernesswherehewasspilledoutonmeandBillBassettasElijahIII.withnotaraveninsightforanyofus.

“Then thisAlfred E. Ricks lets out a squeak that he is hungry, too, and denies thehypothesisthatheisgoodforthevalue,letalonetheprice,ofameal.Andso,therewasthethreeofus,representing,ifwehadamindtodrawsyllogismsandparabolas,laborandtrade and capital.Now,when trade has no capital there isn’t a dicker to bemade.Andwhencapitalhasnomoneythere’sastagnationinsteakandonions.Thatputituptothemanwiththejimmy.

“‘Brotherbushrangers,’saysBillBassett,‘neveryet,introuble,didIdesertapal.Hardby,inyonwood,Iseemtoseeunfurnishedlodgings.Letusgothereandwaittilldark.’

“Therewas an old, deserted cabin in the grove, andwe three took possession of it.AfterdarkBillBassetttellsustowait,andgoesoutforhalfanhour.Hecomesbackwithaarmfulofbreadandspareribsandpies.

“‘Panhandled ‘em at a farmhouse onWashita Avenue,’ says he. ‘Eat, drink and beleary.’

“Thefullmoonwascomingupbright,sowesatonthefloorofthecabinandateinthe

lightofit.AndthisBillBassettbeginstobrag.

“‘Sometimes,’sayshe,withhismouthfullofcountryproduce,‘Iloseallpatiencewithyou people that think you are higher up in the profession than I am.Now,what couldeitherofyouhavedoneinthepresentemergencytosetusonourfeetagain?Couldyoudoit,Ricksy?’

“‘Imustconfess,Mr.Bassett,’saysRicks,speakingnearlyinaudibleoutofasliceofpie,‘thatatthisimmediatejunctureIcouldnot,perhaps,promoteanenterprisetorelievethe situation. Large operations, such as I direct, naturally require careful preparation inadvance.I—’

“‘Iknow,Ricksy,’breaksinBillBassett.‘Youneedn’tfinish.Youneed$500tomakethefirstpaymentonablondtypewriter,andfourroomsfulofquarteredoakfurniture.Andyouneed$500moreforadvertisingcontracts.Andyouneedtwoweeks’timeforthefishto begin to bite. Your line of relief would be about as useful in an emergency asadvocatingmunicipalownership tocureamansuffocatedbyeighty-centgas.Andyourgraftain’tmuchswifter,BrotherPeters,’hewindsup.

“‘Oh,’ says I, ‘I haven’t seen you turn anything into goldwith yourwand yet,Mr.GoodFairy.‘Mostanybodycouldrubthemagicringforalittleleft-overvictuals.’

“‘Thatwasonlygetting thepumpkin ready,’ saysBassett,braggyandcheerful. ‘Thecoachandsix’lldriveuptothedoorbeforeyouknowit,MissCinderella.Maybeyou’vegotsomeschemeunderyoursleeve-holdersthatwillgiveusastart.’

“‘Son,’saysI,‘I’mfifteenyearsolderthanyouare,andyoungenoughyettotakeoutanendowmentpolicy.I’vebeenbrokebefore.Wecanseethelightsofthattownnothalfamileaway.IlearnedunderMontagueSilver,thegreateststreetmanthateverspokefromawagon.Therearehundredsofmenwalkingthosestreetsthismomentwithgreasespotsontheir clothes.Giveme agasoline lamp, a dry-goodsbox, and a two-dollar bar ofwhitecastilesoap,cutintolittle—’

“‘Where’syourtwodollars?’snickeredBillBassett intomydiscourse.Therewasnousearguingwiththatburglar.

“‘No,’hegoeson;‘you’rebothbabes-in-the-wood.Financehasclosedthemahoganydesk,andtradehasputtheshuttersup.Bothofyoulooktolabortostartthewheelsgoing.Allright.Youadmitit.To-nightI’llshowyouwhatBillBassettcando.’

“Bassett tells me and Ricks not to leave the cabin till he comes back, even if it’sdaylight,andthenhestartsofftowardtown,whistlinggay.

“ThisAlfredE.Rickspullsoffhisshoesandhiscoat,laysasilkhandkerchiefoverhishat,andlaysdownonthefloor.

“‘I think Iwill endeavor to secure a little slumber,’ he squeaks. ‘The day has beenfatiguing.Good-night,mydearMr.Peters.’

“‘MyregardstoMorpheus,’saysI.‘IthinkI’llsitupawhile.’

“Abouttwoo’clock,asnearasIcouldguessbymywatchinPeavine,homecomesour

laboringmanandkicksupRicks,andcallsustothestreakofbrightmoonlightshininginthe cabin door.Then he spreads out five packages of one thousand dollars each on thefloor,andbeginstocackleoverthenest-egglikeahen.

“‘I’lltellyouafewthingsaboutthattown,’sayshe.‘It’snamedRockySprings,andthey’rebuildingaMasonictemple,anditlooksliketheDemocraticcandidateformayorisgoingtogetsoakedbyaPop,andJudgeTucker’swife,whohasbeendownwithpleurisy,isgettingsomebetter.IhadatalkontheseliliputianthesisesbeforeIcouldgetasiphoninthe fountain of knowledge that I was after. And there’s a bank there called theLumberman’sFidelityandPlowman’sSavingsInstitution.Itclosedforbusinessyesterdaywith$23,000cashonhand.Itwillopenthismorningwith$18,000—allsilver—that’sthereasonIdidn’tbringmore.Thereyouare,tradeandcapital.Now,willyoubebad?’

“‘Myyoungfriend,’saysAlfredE.Ricks,holdinguphishands,‘haveyourobbedthisbank?Dearme,dearme!’

“‘Youcouldn’tcallitthat,’saysBassett.‘Robbing”soundsharsh.AllIhadtodowastofindoutwhatstreetitwason.ThattownissoquietthatIcouldstandonthecornerandhearthetumblersclickinginthatsafelock—“rightto45;lefttwiceto80;rightonceto60;leftto15”—asplainastheYalecaptaingivingordersinthefootballdialect.Now,boys,’saysBassett,‘thisisanearlyrisingtown.Theytellmethecitizensareallupandstirringbeforedaylight.Iaskedwhatfor,andtheysaidbecausebreakfastwasreadyatthattime.AndwhatofmerryRobinHood?ItmustbeYoicks!andawaywiththetinkers’chorus.I’llstakeyou.Howmuchdoyouwant?Speakup.Capital.’

“‘Mydearyoungfriend,’saysthisgroundsquirrelofaRicks,standingonhishindlegsandjugglingnutsinhispaws,‘IhavefriendsinDenverwhowouldassistme.IfIhadahundreddollarsI—’

“BassetunpinsapackageofthecurrencyandthrowsfivetwentiestoRicks.

“‘Trade,howmuch?’hesaystome.

“‘Putyourmoneyup,Labor,’saysI. ‘Ineveryetdrewuponhonest toil for itshard-earnedpittance.ThedollarsIgetaresurplusonesthatareburningthepocketsofdamfoolsandgreenhorns.WhenIstandonastreetcornerandsellasolidgolddiamondringtoayapfor$3.00,Imakejust$2.60.AndIknowhe’sgoingtogiveittoagirlinreturnforallthe benefits accruing from a $125.00 ring.His profits are $122.00.Which of us is thebiggestfakir?’

“‘Andwhenyousellapoorwomanapinchofsandforfiftycents tokeepher lampfromexploding,’saysBassett,‘whatdoyoufigurehergrossearningstobe,withsandatfortycentsaton?’

“‘Listen,’saysI.‘Iinstructhertokeepherlampcleanandwellfilled.Ifshedoesthatitcan’tburst.Andwiththesandinitsheknowsitcan’t,andshedon’tworry.It’sakindofIndustrial Christian Science. She pays fifty cents, and gets both Rockefeller and Mrs.Eddyonthejob.Itain’teverybodythatcanletthegold-dusttwinsdotheirwork.’

“AlfredE.RicksallbutlicksthedustoffofBillBassett’sshoes.

“‘My dear young friend,’ says he, ‘Iwill never forget your generosity.Heavenwillrewardyou.Butletmeimploreyoutoturnfromyourwaysofviolenceandcrime.’

“‘Mousie,’ says Bill, ‘the hole in the wainscoting for yours. Your dogmas andinculcationssoundtomelikethelastwordsofabicyclepump.Whathasyourhighmoral,elevator-servicesystemofpillagebroughtyouto?Penuriousnessandwant.EvenBrotherPeters,whoinsistsuponcontaminatingtheartofrobberywiththeoriesofcommerceandtrade,admittedhewasonthelift.Bothofyoulivebythegildedrule.BrotherPeters,’saysBill,‘you’dbetterchooseasliceofthisembalmedcurrency.You’rewelcome.’

“ItoldBillBassettoncemoretoputhismoneyinhispocket.Ineverhadtherespectforburglarythatsomepeoplehave.IalwaysgavesomethingforthemoneyItook,evenifitwasonlysomelittletrifleforasouvenirtoremind‘emnottogetcaughtagain.

“AndthenAlfredE.RicksgrovelsatBill’sfeetagain,andbidsusadieu.Hesayshewill have a team at a farmhouse, and drive to the station below, and take the train forDenver.Itsalubrifiedtheatmospherewhenthatlamentableboll-wormtookhisdeparture.He was a disgrace to every non-industrial profession in the country. With all his bigschemesandfineofficeshehadwoundupunableeventogetanhonestmealexceptbythekindnessofastrangeandmaybeunscrupulousburglar.Iwasgladtoseehimgo,thoughIfelt a little sorry for him, now that hewas ruined forever.What could such aman dowithoutabigcapitaltoworkwith?Why,AlfredE.Ricks,aswelefthim,wasashelplessasturtleonitsback.Hecouldn’thaveworkedaschemetobeatalittlegirloutofapennyslate-pencil.

“WhenmeandBillBassettwasleftaloneIdidalittlesleight-of-mindturninmyheadwithatradesecretattheendofit.ThinksI,I’llshowthisMr.BurglarManthedifferencebetweenbusinessandlabor.Hehadhurtsomeofmyprofessionalself-adulationbycastinghisPersiansuponcommerceandtrade.

“‘Iwon’ttakeanyofyourmoneyasagift,Mr.Bassett,’saysItohim,‘butifyou’llpaymy expenses as a travelling companion untilwe get out of the danger zone of theimmoraldeficityouhavecausedinthistown’sfinancesto-night,I’llbeobliged.’

“BillBassettagreedtothat,andwehikedwestwardassoonaswecouldcatchasafetrain.

“WhenwegottoatowninArizonacalledLosPerrosIsuggestedthatweoncemoretryourluckonterra-cotta.ThatwasthehomeofMontagueSilver,myoldinstructor,nowretiredfrombusiness.IknewMontywouldstakemetowebmoneyifIcouldshowhimafly buzzing ‘round the locality. Bill Bassett said all towns looked alike to him as heworkedmainlyinthedark.SowegotoffthetraininLosPerros,afinelittletowninthesilverregion.

“IhadanelegantlittlesurethinginthewayofacommercialslungshotthatIintendedtohitBassettbehindtheearwith.Iwasn’tgoingtotakehismoneywhilehewasasleep,butIwasgoingtoleavehimwithalotteryticketthatwouldrepresentinexperiencetohim$4,755—Ithinkthatwastheamounthehadwhenwegotoffthetrain.ButthefirsttimeIhinted to him about an investment, he turns on me and disencumbers himself of the

followingtermsandexpressions.

“‘BrotherPeters,’sayshe,‘itain’tabadideatogointoanenterpriseofsomekind,asyousuggest.IthinkIwill.ButifIdoitwillbesuchacoldpropositionthatnobodybutRobertE.PearyandCharlieFairbankswillbeabletositontheboardofdirectors.’

“‘Ithoughtyoumightwanttoturnyourmoneyover,’saysI.

“‘Ido,’ sayshe, ‘frequently. Ican’t sleepononesideallnight. I’ll tellyou,BrotherPeters,’sayshe,‘I’mgoingtostartapokerroom.Idon’tseemtocareforthehumdruminswindling, suchaspeddlingegg-beatersandworkingoffbreakfast foodonBarnumandBailey for sawdust to strew in their circus rings. But the gambling business,’ says he,‘fromtheprofitablesideofthetableisagoodcompromisebetweenswipingsilverspoonsandsellingpenwipersataWaldorf-Astoriacharitybazar.’

“‘Then,’ says I, ‘Mr. Bassett, you don’t care to talk over my little businessproposition?’

“‘Why,’sayshe,‘doyouknow,youcan’tgetaPasteurinstitutetostartupwithinfiftymilesofwhereIlive.Ibitesoseldom.’

“So, Bassett rents a room over a saloon and looks around for some furniture andchromos.ThesamenightIwenttoMontySilver’shouse,andheletmehave$200onmyprospects.ThenIwenttotheonlystoreinLosPerrosthatsoldplayingcardsandboughteverydeckinthehouse.ThenextmorningwhenthestoreopenedIwastherebringingallthecardsbackwithme.Isaidthatmypartnerthatwasgoingtobackmeinthegamehadchangedhismind;andIwantedtosellthecardsbackagain.Thestorekeepertook‘emathalfprice.

“Yes, Iwasseventy-fivedollars loserup to that time.Butwhile Ihad thecards thatnightImarkedeveryoneineverydeck.Thatwaslabor.Andthentradeandcommercehadtheirinnings,andthebreadIhadcastuponthewatersbegantocomebackintheformofcottagepuddingwithwinesauce.

“OfcourseIwasamongthefirst tobuychipsatBillBassett’sgame.Hehadboughttheonly cards therewas tobehad in town; and I knew thebackof everyoneof thembetterthanIknowthebackofmyheadwhenthebarbershowsmemyhaircutinthetwomirrors.

“When the game closed I had the five thousand and a fewodd dollars, and allBillBassetthadwas thewanderlust andablackcathehadbought for amascot.Bill shookhandswithmewhenIleft.

“‘BrotherPeters,’sayshe,‘Ihavenobusinessbeinginbusiness.Iwaspreordainedtolabor.When aNo. 1 burglar tries tomake a James out of his jimmy he perpetrates animprofundity. You have a well-oiled and efficacious system of luck at cards,’ says he.‘Peacegowithyou.’AndIneverafterwardseesBillBassettagain.”

“Well,Jeff,”saidI,whentheAutolycanadventurerseemedtohavedivulgedthegist

of his tale, “I hope you took care of the money. That would be a respecta—that is aconsiderableworkingcapitalifyoushouldchoosesomedaytosettledowntosomesortofregularbusiness.”

“Me?”saidJeff,virtuously.“YoucanbetI’vetakencareofthatfivethousand.”

Hetappedhiscoatovertheregionofhischestexultantly.

“Gold mining stock,” he explained, “every cent of it. Shares par value one dollar.Boundtogoup500percent.withinayear.Non-assessable.TheBlueGophermine.Justdiscoveredamonthago.Bettergetinyourselfifyou’veanysparedollarsonhand.”

“Sometimes,”saidI,“theseminesarenot—”

“Oh,thisone’ssolidasanoldgoose,”saidJeff.“Fiftythousanddollars’worthoforeinsight,and10percent.monthlyearningsguaranteed.”

Hedrewoutalongenvelopefromhispocketandcastitonthetable.

“Alwayscarryitwithme,”saidhe.“Sotheburglarcan’tcorruptorthecapitalistbreakinandwaterit.”

Ilookedatthebeautifullyengravedcertificateofstock.

“InColorado, I see,” said I. “And,by theway, Jeff,whatwas thenameof the littlemanwhowenttoDenver—theoneyouandBillmetatthestation?”

“AlfredE.Ricks,”saidJeff,“wasthetoad’sdesignation.”

“Isee,”saidI,“thepresidentofthisminingcompanysignshimselfA.L.Fredericks.Iwaswondering—”

“Letmeseethatstock,”saidJeffquickly,almostsnatchingitfromme.

To mitigate, even though slightly, the embarrassment I summoned the waiter andorderedanotherbottleoftheBarbera.IthoughtitwastheleastIcoulddo.

ATEMPEREDWIND

The first timemyoptical nerveswasdisturbedby the sight ofBuckinghamSkinnerwasinKansasCity. IwasstandingonacornerwhenIseeBuckstickhisstraw-coloredheadoutofa third-storywindowofabusinessblockandholler,“Whoa, there!Whoa!”likeyouwouldinendeavoringtoassuageateamofrunawaymules.

I looked around; but all the animals I see in sight is a policeman, having his shoesshined, and a couple of deliverywagons hitched to posts.Then in aminute downstairstumblesthisBuckinghamSkinner,andrunstothecorner,andstandsandgazesdowntheotherstreetattheimaginarydustkickedupbythefabuloushoofsofthefictitiousteamofchimericalquadrupeds.AndthenB.Skinnergoesbackuptothethird-storyroomagain,andIseethattheletteringonthewindowis“TheFarmers’FriendLoanCompany.”

ByandbyStraw-topcomesdownagain,andIcrossedthestreettomeethim,forIhadmy ideas.Yes, sir,when Igotclose Icouldseewhereheoverdone it.HewasReuballrightasfarashisbluejeansandcowhidebootswent,buthehadamatineeactor’shands,andtheryestrawstuckoverhisearlookedlikeitbelongedtothepropertymanoftheOldHomesteadCo.Curiositytoknowwhathisgraftwasgotthebestofme.

“Wasthatyourteambrokeawayandrunjustnow?”Iaskshim,polite.“Itriedtostop‘em,”saysI,“butIcouldn’t.Iguessthey’rehalfwaybacktothefarmbynow.”

“Gosh blame them darnedmules,” says Straw-top, in a voice so good that I nearlyapologized;“they’rea’lusbustin’loose.”Andthenhelooksatmeclose,andthenhetakesoffhishayseedhat,andsays,inadifferentvoice:“I’dliketoshakehandswithParleyvooPickens,thegreateststreetmanintheWest,barringonlyMontagueSilver,whichyoucannomorethanallow.”

Ilethimshakehandswithme.

“IlearnedunderSilver,”Isaid;“Idon’tbegrudgehimthelead.Butwhat’syourgraft,son?Iadmit that thephantomflightof thenon-existinganimalsatwhichyouremarked‘Whoa!’haspuzzledmesomewhat.Howdoyouwinoutonthetrick?”

BuckinghamSkinnerblushed.

“Pocketmoney,”sayshe;“that’sall.Iamtemporarilyunfinanced.Thislittlecoupderyestrawisgoodforfortydollarsinatownofthissize.HowdoIworkit?Why,Iinvolvemyself,asyouperceive,intheloathsomeappareloftheruraldub.ThusembalmedIamJonasStubblefield—anameimpossibletoimproveupon.Irepairnoisilytotheofficeofsomeloancompanyconvenientlylocatedinthethird-floor,front.ThereIlaymyhatandyarngloveson thefloorandask tomortgagemyfarmfor$2,000 topayformysister’smusicaleducation inEurope.Loans like thatalwayssuit the loancompanies. It’s ten toone that when the note falls due the foreclosure will be leading the semiquavers by acoupleoflengths.

“Well,sir,Ireachinmypocketfortheabstractoftitle;butIsuddenlyhearmyteamrunningaway.Iruntothewindowandemittheword—orexclamation,which-everitmaybe—viz,‘Whoa!’ThenIrushdown-stairsanddownthestreet,returninginafewminutes.‘Dangthemmules,’Isays;‘theydonerunawayandbustedthedoubletreeandtwotraces.NowIgottohoofithome,forIneverbroughtnomoneyalong.Reckonwe’lltalkaboutthatloansomeothertime,gen’lemen.’

“ThenIspreadsoutmytarpaulin,liketheIsraelites,andwaitsforthemannatodrop.

“‘Why, no,Mr. Stubblefield,’ says the lobster-colored party in the specs and dottedpiquevest; ‘obligeusbyacceptingthis ten-dollarbilluntil to-morrow.Getyourharnessrepaired and call in at ten.We’ll be pleased to accommodate you in thematter of thisloan.’

“It’s a slight thing,” says Buckingham Skinner, modest, “but, as I said, only fortemporaryloosechange.”

“It’snothingtobeashamedof,”saysI,inrespectforhismortification;“incaseofanemergency.Ofcourse,it’ssmallcomparedtoorganizingatrustorbridgewhist,buteventheChicagoUniversityhadtobestartedinasmallway.”

“What’syourgraftthesedays?”BuckinghamSkinnerasksme.

“The legitimate,” says I. “I’mhandling rhinestones andDr.OleumSinapi’sElectricHeadacheBatteryandtheSwissWarbler’sBirdCall,asmalllotofthenewqueeronesandtwos,andtheBonanzaBudget,consistingofarolled-goldweddingandengagementring,six Egyptian lily bulbs, a combination pickle fork and nail-clipper, and fifty engravedvisitingcards—notwonamesalike—allforthesumof38cents.”

“Twomonthsago,”saysBuckinghamSkinner,“IwasdoingwelldowninTexaswithapatent instantaneous fire kindler, made of compressed wood ashes and benzine. I soldloads of ‘em in towns where they like to burn niggers quick, without having to asksomebodyforalight.AndjustwhenIwasdoingthebesttheystrikesoildownthereandputsmeoutofbusiness.‘Yourmachine’stooslow,now,pardner,’theytellsme.‘Wecanhaveacooninhellwiththisherepetroleumbeforeyouroldflint-and-tindertruckcangethimwarmenoughtoperfessreligion.’AndsoIgivesupthekindleranddriftsupheretoK.C.Thislittlecurtain-raiseryouseenmedoing,Mr.Pickens,withthesimulatedfarmandthehypotheticalteams,ain’tinmylineatall,andI’mashamedyoufoundmeworkingit.”

“No man,” says I, kindly, “need to be ashamed of putting the skibunk on a loancorporationforevensosmallasumastendollars,whenheisfinanciallyabashed.Still,itwasn’t quite the proper thing. It’s too much like borrowing money without paying itback.”

IlikedBuckinghamSkinnerfromthestart,forasgoodamanaseverstoodovertheaxlesandbreathedgasolinesmoke.Andprettysoonwegetsthick,andIlethiminonaschemeI’dhadinmindforsometime,andofferstogopartners.

“Anything,”saysBuck,“thatisnotactuallydishonestwillfindmewillingandready.Letusperforateintotheinwardnessofyourproposition.IfeeldegradedwhenIamforced

to wear property straw in my hair and assume a bucolic air for the small sum of tendollars.Actually,Mr.Pickens,itmakesmefeelliketheOpheliaoftheGreatOccidentalAll-StarOne-NightConsolidatedTheatricalAggregation.”

This scheme of mine was one that suited my proclivities. By nature I am somesentimental,andhavealwaysfeltgentletowardthemollifyingelementsofexistence.Iamdisposedtobelenientwiththeartsandsciences;andIfindtimetoinstigateacordialityforthemorehumanworksofnature,suchasromanceandtheatmosphereandgrassandpoetryandtheSeasons.Ineverskinasuckerwithoutadmiringtheprismaticbeautyofhisscales.Ineversellalittleauriferousbeautytothemanwiththehoewithoutnoticingthebeautifulharmonythereisbetweengoldandgreen.Andthat’swhyIlikedthisscheme;itwassofullofoutdoorairandlandscapesandeasymoney.

Wehadtohaveayoungladyassistanttohelpusworkthisgraft;andIaskedBuckifheknewofonetofillthebill.

“One,”saysI,“thatiscoolandwiseandstrictlybusinessfromherpompadourtoherOxfords.Noex-toe-dancersorgum-chewersorcrayonportraitcanvassersforthis.”

BuckclaimedheknewasuitablefeminineandhetakesmearoundtoseeMissSarahMalloy.TheminuteIseeherIampleased.Shelookedtobethegoodsasordered.Nosignof the threep’s abouther—noperoxide,patchouli, norpeaude soie; about twenty-two,brownhair,pleasantways—thekindofaladyfortheplace.

“Adescriptionofthesandbag,ifyouplease,”shebegins.

“Why,ma’am,”saysI,“thisgraftofoursissoniceandrefinedandromantic,itwouldmakethebalconyscenein‘RomeoandJuliet’looklikesecond-storywork.”

Wetalkeditover,andMissMalloyagreedtocomeinasabusinesspartner.Shesaidshe was glad to get a chance to give up her place as stenographer and secretary to asuburbanlotcompany,andgointosomethingrespectable.

Thisisthewayweworkedourscheme.First,Ifigureditoutbyakindofaproverb.Thebestgraftsintheworldarebuiltuponcopy-bookmaximsandpsalmsandproverbsandEsau’sfables.Theyseemtokindofhitoffhumannature.Ourpeacefullittleswindlewasconstructedontheoldsaying:“Thewholepushlovesalover.”

One eveningBuck andMissMalloy drives up like blazes in a buggy to a farmer’sdoor.She ispalebutaffectionate,clinging tohisarm—alwaysclinging tohisarm.Anyonecanseethatsheisapeachandoftheclingvariety.Theyclaimtheyareelopingfortobemarriedonaccountofcruelparents.Theyaskwheretheycanfindapreacher.Farmersays, “B’gum there ain’t any preacher nigher thanReverendAbels, fourmiles over onCaneyCreek.”Farmeresswipesherhandonherapronandrubbersthroughherspecs.

Sheisapeachandoftheclingvariety.

Then,loandlookye!UptheroadfromtheotherwayjogsParleyvooPickensinagig,dressed inblack,whitenecktie, longface, sniffinghisnose,emittingaspuriouskindofnoiseresemblingthelongmeterdoxology.

“B’jinks!”saysfarmer,“iftharain’tapreachernow!”

IttranspiresthatIamRev.AbijahGreen,travellingovertoLittleBethelschool-housefortopreachnextSunday.

Theyoungfolkswillhave it theymustbemarried, forpa ispursuing themwith theplowmulesandthebuckboard.SotheReverendGreen,afterhesitating,marries‘eminthefarmer’s parlor. And farmer grins, and has in cider, and says “B’gum!” and farmeresssniffles a bit and pats the bride on the shoulder. And Parleyvoo Pickens, the wrongreverend,writesoutamarriagecertificate,andfarmerandfarmeresssignitaswitnesses.Andthepartiesofthefirst,secondandthirdpartgetsintheirvehiclesandridesaway.Oh,thatwas an idyllic graft!True love and the lowingkine and the sun shiningon the redbarns—itcertainlyhadallotherimposturesIknowaboutbeattoabatter.

SotheReverendGreen,afterhesitations,marries‘eminthefarmer’sparlor.

IsupposeIhappenedalongin timetomarryBuckandMissMalloyatabout twentyfarm-houses.Ihatedtothinkhowtheromancewasgoingtofadelateronwhenallthemmarriagecertificatesturnedupinbankswherewe’ddiscounted‘em,andthefarmershadtopaythemnotesofhandthey’dsigned,runningfrom$300to$500.

Onthe15thdayofMayusthreedividedabout$6,000.MissMalloynearlycriedwithjoy.Youdon’toftenseeatenderheartedgirloronethatisbentondoingright.

Onthe15thdayofMayusthreedividedabout$6,000.

“Boys,” says she, dabbing her eyeswith a little handkerchief, “this stake comes inhandierthanapowderragatafatmen’sball.Itgivesmeachancetoreform.Iwastryingtogetoutoftherealestatebusinesswhenyoufellowscamealong.Butifyouhadn’ttakenmeinonthisneat littlepropositionforremovingthecuticleof therutabagapropagatorsI’mafraidI’dhavegotintosomethingworse.IwasabouttoacceptaplaceinoneoftheseWomen’sAuxiliaryBazars,wheretheybuildaparsonagebysellingaspoonfulofchickensaladandacream-puffforseventy-fivecentsandcallingitaBusinessMan’sLunch.

“NowIcangointoasquare,honestbusiness,andgiveallthemqueerjobstheshake.I’m going to Cincinnati and start a palm reading and clairvoyant joint. As MadameSaramaloi,theEgyptianSorceress,Ishallgiveeverybodyadollar’sworthofgoodhonestprognostication. Good-by, boys. Take my advice and go into some decent fake. Getfriendlywiththepoliceandnewspapersandyou’llbeallright.”

Sothenweallshookhands,andMissMalloyleftus.MeandBuckalsoroseupandsaunteredoffafewhundredmiles;forwedidn’tcaretobearoundwhenthemmarriagecertificatesfelldue.

With about$4,000betweenuswehit that bumptious little townoff theNewJerseycoasttheycallNewYork.

If there everwasanaviaryoverstockedwith jays it is thatYaptown-on-the-Hudson.Cosmopolitantheycallit.Youbet.So’sapieceoffly-paper.Youlistenclosewhenthey’rebuzzingandtryingtopull theirfeetoutof thestickystuff.“LittleoldNewYork’sgoodenoughforus”—that’swhattheysing.

There’senoughReubswalkdownBroadwayinonehourtobuyupaweek’soutputofthefactoryinAugusta,Maine,thatmakesKnaughtyKnoveltiesandthelittlePhinePhunoroidegoldfingerringthatsticksaneedleinyourfriend’shand.

You’dthinkNewYorkpeoplewasallwise;butno.Theydon’tgetachancetolearn.Everything’s too compressed.Even thehayseeds are baledhayseeds.Butwhat else canyouexpectfromatownthat’sshutofffromtheworldbytheoceanononesideandNewJerseyontheother?

It’s no place for an honest grafterwith a small capital. There’s too big a protectivetariffonbunco.EvenwhenGiovannisellsaquartofwarmwormsandchestnuthullshehas to hand out a pint to an insectivorous cop. And the hotel man charges double foreverythinginthebillthathesendsbythepatrolwagontothealtarwherethedukeisabouttomarrytheheiress.

ButoldBadville-near-Coneyistheidealburgforarefinedpieceofpiracyifyoucanpaythebuncoduty.Importedgraftscomeprettyhigh.Thecustom-houseofficersthatlookafter it carry clubs, and it’s hard to smuggle in even a bib-and-tucker swindle toworkBrooklyn with unless you can pay the toll. But now, me and Buck, having capital,descends uponNewYork to try and trade themetropolitan backwoodsmen a few glassbeadsforrealestatejustastheVansdidahundredortwoyearsago.

AtanEastSidehotelwegetsacquaintedwithRomulusG.Atterbury,amanwiththe

finestheadforfinancialoperationsIeversaw.Itwasallbaldandglossyexceptforgraysidewhiskers.Seeingthatheadbehindanofficerailing,andyou’ddepositamillionwithit without a receipt. This Atterbury was well dressed, though he ate seldom; and thesynopsisofhistalkwouldmaketheconversationofasirensoundlikeacabdriver’skick.HesaidheusedtobeamemberoftheStockExchange,butsomeofthebigcapitalistsgotjealousandformedaringthatforcedhimtosellhisseat.

AtterburygottolikingmeandBuckandhebeguntothrowonthecanvasforussomeof the schemes that had caused his hair to evacuate.He had one scheme for starting aNationalbankon$45thatmadetheMississippiBubblelookassolidasaglassmarble.Hetalkedthistousforthreedays,andwhenhisthroatwasgoodandsorewetoldhimabouttherollwehad.Atterburyborrowedaquarterfromusandwentoutandgotaboxofthroatlozengesandstartedalloveragain.Thistimehetalkedbiggerthings,andhegotustosee‘emashedid.Theschemehe laidout looked likeasurewinner,andhe talkedmeandBuckintoputtingourcapitalagainsthisburnisheddomeofthought.Itlookedallrightforakid-glovedgraft.Itseemedtobejustaboutaninchandahalfoutsideofthereachofthepolice,andasmoney-makingasamint.ItwasjustwhatmeandBuckwanted—aregularbusinessatapermanentstand,withanopenairspielingwithtonsilitisonthestreetcornerseveryevening.

So,insixweeksyouseeahandsomefurnishedsetofofficesdownintheWallStreetneighborhood,with“TheGolcondaGoldBondand InvestmentCompany” ingilt letterson the door. And you see in his private room, with the door open, the secretary andtreasurer,Mr.BuckinghamSkinner,costumedliketheliliesoftheconservatory,withhishigh silk hat close to his hand.Nobody yet ever sawBuck outside of an instantaneousreachforhishat.

Andyoumightperceivethepresidentandgeneralmanager,Mr.R.G.Atterbury,withhispricelesspolishedpoll,busy in themainoffice roomdictating letters toa shorthandcountess,whohasgotpompandapompadourthatisnolessthanaguaranteetoinvestors.

Busyinthemainofficeroomdictatingletterstoashorthandcountess.

There is a bookkeeper and an assistant, and a general atmosphere of varnish andculpability.

At another desk the eye is relieved by the sight of an ordinary man, attired withunscrupulousplainness,sittingwithhisfeetup,eatingapples,withhisobnoxioushatonthe back of his head.Thatman is no other thanColonelTecumseh (once “Parleyvoo”)Pickens,thevice-presidentofthecompany.

“No recherché rags forme,” I says toAtterbury,whenwewasorganizing the stagepropertiesoftherobbery.“I’maplainman,”saysI,“andIdonotusepajamas,French,ormilitaryhair-brushes.Castmefortheroleoftherhinestone-in-the-roughorIdon’tgoonexhibition.Ifyoucanusemeinmynatural,thoughdispleasingform,doso.”

“Dressyouup?”saysAtterbury;“Ishouldsaynot!Justasyouareyou’reworthmoretothebusinessthanawholeroomfulofthethingstheypinchrysanthemumson.You’retoplay the part of the solid but disheveled capitalist from the FarWest. You despise theconventions. You’ve got so many stocks you can afford to shake socks. Conservative,homely,rough,shrewd,saving—that’syourpose.It’sawinnerinNewYork.Keepyourfeetonthedeskandeatapples.Wheneveranybodycomesineatanapple.Let‘emseeyoustuff thepeelings inadrawerofyourdesk.Lookaseconomicalandrichandruggedasyoucan.”

IfollowedoutAtterbury’sinstructions.IplayedtheRockyMountaincapitalistwithoutruchingorfrills.ThewayIdepositedapplepeelings tomycredit inadrawerwhenanycustomerscameinmadeHettyGreenlooklikeaspendthrift.IcouldhearAtterburysaying

to victims, as he smiled at me, indulgent and venerating, “That’s our vice-president,ColonelPickens…fortuneinWesterninvestments…delightfullyplainmanners,but…could sign his check for half a million … simple as a child … wonderful head …conservativeandcarefulalmosttoafault.”

“That’sourvice-president,ColonelPickens.”

Atterburymanagedthebusiness.MeandBuckneverquiteunderstoodallofit,thoughhe explained it to us in full. It seems the companywas a kind of cooperative one, andeverybody that bought stock shared in the profits. First, we officers bought up acontrollinginterest—wehadtohavethat—ofthesharesat50centsahundred—justwhatthe printer charged us—and the rest went to the public at a dollar each. The companyguaranteedthestockholdersaprofitoftenpercent.eachmonth,payableonthelastdaythereof.

Whenanystockholderhadpaidinasmuchas$100,thecompanyissuedhimaGoldBond and he became a bondholder. I asked Atterbury one day what benefits andappurtenances these Gold Bonds was to an investor more so than the immunities andprivilegesenjoyedbythecommonsuckerwhoonlyownedstock.AtterburypickeduponeofthemGoldBonds,allgiltandletteredupwithflourishesandabigredsealtiedwithablueribboninabowknot,andhelookedatmelikehisfeelingswashurt.

“MydearColonelPickens,”sayshe,“youhavenosoulforArt.Thinkofathousandhomesmadehappybypossessingoneofthesebeautifulgemsofthelithographer’sskill!ThinkofthejoyinthehouseholdwhereoneoftheseGoldBondshangsbyapinkcordtothewhat-not,orischewedbythebaby,carolinggleefullyuponthefloor!Ah,Iseeyoureyegrowingmoist,Colonel—Ihavetouchedyou,haveInot?”

“Youhavenot,” says I, “for I’vebeenwatchingyou.Themoistureyou see is apple

juice.Youcan’texpectonemantoactasahumancider-pressandanartconnoisseurtoo.”

Atterburyattendedtothedetailsoftheconcern.AsIunderstandit, theywassimple.The investors instockpaid in theirmoney,and—well, Iguess that’sall theyhad todo.The company received it, and—I don’t call tomind anything else.Me andBuck knewmoreaboutsellingcornsalvethanwedidaboutWallStreet,butevenwecouldseehowtheGolcondaGoldBond InvestmentCompanywasmakingmoney.You take inmoneyandpaybacktenpercent.ofit;it’splainenoughthatyoumakeaclean,legitimateprofitof90percent.,lessexpenses,aslongasthefishbite.

Atterburywantedtobepresidentandtreasurertoo,butBuckwinksaneyeathimandsays:“Youwastofurnishthebrains.Doyoucallitgoodbrainworkwhenyouproposetotake in money at the door, too? Think again. I hereby nominate myself treasurer advalorem, sine die, and by acclamation. I chip in that much brain work free. Me andPickens, we furnished the capital, and we’ll handle the unearned increment as itincremates.”

Itcostsus$500forofficerentandfirstpaymentonfurniture;$1,500morewentforprintingandadvertising.Atterburyknewhisbusiness. “Threemonths to aminutewe’lllast,”sayshe.“Aday longer than thatandwe’llhave toeithergounderorgounderanalias.Bythattimeweoughttocleanup$60,000.Andthenamoneybeltandalowerberthforme,andtheyellowjournalsandthefurnituremencanpickthebones.”

Our ads. done the work. “Country weeklies andWashington hand-press dailies, ofcourse,”saysIwhenwewasreadytomakecontracts.

“Man,” says Atterbury, “as its advertising manager you would cause a Limburgercheesefactorytoremainundiscoveredduringahotsummer.Thegamewe’reafterisrighthere inNewYorkandBrooklynandtheHarlemreading-rooms.They’re thepeople thatthe street-car fenders and the Answers to Correspondents columns and the pickpocketnoticesaremadefor.Wewantourads.inthebiggestcitydailies,topofcolumn,nexttoeditorialsonradiumandpicturesofthegirldoinghealthexercises.”

Prettysoon themoneybegins to roll in.Buckdidn’thave topretend tobebusy;hisdeskwaspiledhighupwithmoneyordersandchecksandgreenbacks.Peoplebegan todropintheofficeandbuystockeveryday.

Mostoftheshareswentinsmallamounts—$10and$25and$50,andagoodmany$2and $3 lots. And the bald and inviolate cranium of President Atterbury shines withenthusiasmanddemerit,whileColonelTecumsehPickens,therudebutreputableCrœsusof the West, consumes so many apples that the peelings hang to the floor from themahoganygarbagechestthathecallshisdesk.

JustasAtterburysaid,weranalongaboutthreemonthswithoutbeingtroubled.Buckcashedthepaperasfastasitcameinandkeptthemoneyinasafedepositvaultablockorso away. Buck never thought much of banks for such purposes. We paid the interestregularonthestockwe’dsold,sotherewasnothingforanybodytosquealabout.Wehadnearly$50,000onhandandallthreeofushadbeenlivingashighasprizefightersoutoftraining.

Onemorning, asme andBuck sauntered into the office, fat and flippant, from ournoon grub,wemet an easy-looking fellow,with a bright eye and a pipe in hismouth,comingout.WefoundAtterburylookinglikehe’dbeencaughtamilefromhomeinawetshower.

“Knowthatman?”heaskedus.

Wesaidwedidn’t.

“Idon’teither,”saysAtterbury,wipingoffhishead;“butI’llbetenoughGoldBondstopaperacellintheTombsthathe’sanewspaperreporter.”

“Whatdidhewant?”asksBuck.

“Information,” says our president. “Said hewas thinking of buying some stock.Heaskedmeaboutninehundredquestions,andeveryoneof‘emhitsomesoreplaceinthebusiness. Iknowhe’sonapaper.Youcan’t foolme.Youseeamanabouthalf shabby,withaneyelikeagimlet,smokingcutplug,withdandruffonhiscoatcollar,andknowingmorethanJ.P.MorganandShakespeareputtogether—ifthatain’tareporterIneversawone.Iwasafraidofthis.Idon’tminddetectivesandpost-officeinspectors—Italkto‘emeightminutesandthensell‘emstock—butthemreporterstakethestarchoutofmycollar.Boys,Irecommendthatwedeclareadividendandfadeaway.Thesignspointthatway.”

MeandBuck talked toAtterburyandgothim to stop sweatingand stand still.Thatfellowdidn’t look likeareporter tous.Reportersalwayspulloutapenciland tabletonyou,andtellyouastoryyou’veheard,andstrikesyouforthedrinks.ButAtterburywasshakyandnervousallday.

ThenextdaymeandBuckcomesdownfromthehotelaboutten-thirty.Onthewaywebuysthepapers,andthefirst thingweseeisacolumnonthefrontpageaboutourlittleimposition.Itwasashamethewaythatreporterintimatedthatwewerenobloodrelativesof the lateGeorgeW.Childs.He tellsallabout theschemeashesees it, ina rich, racykind of a guying style that might amuse most anybody except a stockholder. Yes,Atterburywas right; itbehooveth thegailyclad treasurerand thepearlypatedpresidentandtheruggedvice-presidentoftheGolcondaGoldBondandInvestmentCompanytogoawayrealsuddenandquickthattheirdaysmightbelongerupontheland.

MeandBuckhurriesdowntotheoffice.Wefindsonthestairsandinthehallacrowdof people trying to squeeze into our office,which is already jammed full inside to therailing.They’ve nearly all gotGolconda stock andGoldBonds in their hands.Me andBuckjudgedthey’dbeenreadingthepapers,too.

Westoppedandlookedatourstockholders,somesurprised.Itwasn’tquitethekindofa gang we supposed had been investing. They all looked like poor people; there wasplentyofoldwomenandlotsofyounggirlsthatyou’dsayworkedinfactoriesandmills.Somewas oldmen that looked like war veterans, and somewas crippled, and a goodmanywasjustkids—bootblacksandnewsboysandmessengers.Somewasworking-meninoveralls,withtheirsleevesrolledup.Notoneoftheganglookedlikeastockholderinanythingunlessitwasapeanutstand.ButtheyallhadGolcondastockandlookedassick

asyouplease.

ButtheyallhadGolcondastockandlookedassickasyouplease.

IsawaqueerkindofapalelookcomeonBuck’sfacewhenhesizedupthecrowd.Hesteppeduptoasicklylookingwomanandsays:“Madam,doyouownanyofthisstock?”

“Iput inahundreddollars,”says thewoman, faint like.“Itwasall Ihadsaved inayear.OneofmychildrenisdyingathomenowandIhaven’tacentinthehouse.IcametoseeifIcoulddrawoutsome.Thecircularssaidyoucoulddrawitatanytime.ButtheysaynowIwillloseitall.”

There was a smart kind of kid in the gang—I guess he was a newsboy. “I got intwenty-fi’,mister,”hesays,lookinghopefulatBuck’ssilkhatandclothes.“Deypaidmetwo-fiftyamont’onit.Say,amantellsmedeycan’tdodatandbeondesquare.Isdatstraight?DoyouguessIcangetoutmytwenty-fi’?”

Someof theoldwomenwascrying.The factorygirlswasplumbdistracted.They’dlostalltheirsavingsandthey’dbedockedforthetimetheylostcomingtoseeaboutit.

Therewas one girl—apretty one—in a red shawl, crying in a corner like her heartwoulddissolve.Buckgoesoverandasksheraboutit.

“Itain’t somuch losing themoney,mister,”saysshe, shakingallover,“thoughI’vebeentwoyearssavingitup;butJakeywon’tmarrymenow.He’lltakeRosaSteinfeld.IknowJ—J—Jakey.She’sgot$400inthesavingsbank.Ai,ai,ai—”shesingsout.

“Jakeywon’tmarrymenow.He’lltakeRosaSteinfeld.”

Bucklooksallaroundwiththatsamefunnylookonhisface.Andthenweseeleaningagainst thewall,puffingathispipe,withhiseyeshiningatus, thisnewspaper reporter.Buckandmewalksovertohim.

“You’re a real interesting writer,” says Buck. “How far do you mean to carry it?Anythingmoreupyoursleeve?”

“Oh, I’m justwaiting around,” says the reporter, smoking away, “in case any newsturnsup.It’suptoyourstockholdersnow.Someofthemmightcomplain,youknow.Isn’tthat the patrol wagon now?” he says, listening to a sound outside. “No,” he goes on,“that’sDoc.Whittleford’s old cadaver coupé from theRoosevelt. I ought to know thatgong.Yes,IsupposeI’vewrittensomeinterestingstuffattimes.”

“Youwait,”saysBuck;“I’mgoingtothrowanitemofnewsinyourway.”

Buck reaches in his pocket and hands me a key. I knew what he meant before hespoke.Confounded old buccaneer—I knewwhat hemeant. They don’tmake them anybetterthanBuck.

“Pick,” says he, looking atmehard, “ain’t this graft a little out of our line?DowewantJakeytomarryRosaSteinfeld?”

“You’vegotmyvote,” says I.“I’llhave ithere in tenminutes.”AndI starts for thesafedepositvaults.

Icomesbackwiththemoneydoneupinabigbundle,andthenBuckandmetakesthejournalist reporter around to another door and we let ourselves into one of the office

rooms.

“Now,myliteraryfriend,”saysBuck,“takeachair,andkeepstill,andI’llgiveyouaninterview.YouseebeforeyoutwograftersfromGraftersville,GrafterCounty,Arkansas.Me and Pick have sold brass jewelry, hair tonic, song books, marked cards, patentmedicines,ConnecticutSmyrnarugs,furniturepolish,andalbumsineverytownfromOldPointComforttotheGoldenGate.We’vegraftedadollarwheneverwesawonethathadasurpluslooktoit.Butweneverwentafterthesimoleoninthetoeofthesockundertheloosebrickinthecornerofthekitchenhearth.There’sanoldsayingyoumayhaveheard—‘fussily decency averni’—whichmeans it’s an easy slide from the street faker’s drygoodsboxtoadeskinWallStreet.We’vetookthatslide,butwedidn’tknowexactlywhatwasatthebottomofit.Now,yououghttobewise,butyouain’t.You’vegotNewYorkwiseness,whichmeansthatyoujudgeamanbytheoutsideofhisclothes.Thatain’tright.Yououghttolookattheliningandseamsandthebutton-holes.Whilewearewaitingforthepatrolwagonyoumightgetoutyourlittlestubpencilandtakenotesforanotherfunnypieceinthepaper.”

AndthenBuckturnstomeandsays:“Idon’tcarewhatAtterburythinks.Heonlyputinbrains,andifhegetshiscapitalouthe’slucky.Butwhatdoyousay,Pick?”

“Me?” says I. “You ought to know me, Buck. I didn’t know who was buying thestock.”

“Allright,”saysBuck.Andthenhegoesthroughtheinsidedoorintothemainofficeand looks at the gang trying to squeeze through the railing.Atterbury and his hat wasgone.AndBuckmakes‘emashortspeech.

“Allyoulambsgetinline.You’regoingtogetyourwoolback.Don’tshoveso.Getinaline—aline—notinapile.Lady,willyoupleasestopbleating?Yourmoney’swaitingforyou.Here,sonny,don’tclimboverthatrailing;yourdimesaresafe.Don’tcry,sis;youain’toutacent.Get in line, I say.Here,Pick,comeandstraighten ‘emoutand let ‘emthroughandoutbytheotherdoor.”

Buck takesoffhis coat,pusheshis silkhaton thebackofhishead, and lightsupareina victoria. He sets at the table with the boodle before him, all done up in neatpackages.Igetsthestockholdersstrungoutandmarches‘em,singlefile,throughfromthemainroom;andthereportermanpasses‘emoutofthesidedoorintothehallagain.Asthey go by, Buck takes up the stock and the Gold Bonds, paying ‘em cash, dollar fordollar, the same as they paid in. The shareholders of the Golconda Gold Bond andInvestmentCompanycan’thardlybelieveit.TheyalmostgrabsthemoneyoutofBuck’shands.Someofthewomenkeeponcrying,forit’sacustomofthesextocrywhentheyhavesorrow,toweepwhentheyhavejoy,andtoshedtearswhenevertheyfindthemselveswithouteither.

TheshareholdersoftheGolcondaGoldBondandInvestmentCompanycan’thardlybelieveit.

Theoldwomen’sfingersshakewhentheystufftheskadsinthebosomoftheirrustydresses.Thefactorygirlsjuststoopoverandflaptheirdrygoodsasecond,andyouhearthe elastic go “pop” as the currency goes down in the ladies’ department of the “OldDomesticLisle-ThreadBank.”

SomeofthestockholdersthathadbeendoingtheJeremiahacttheloudestoutsidehadspasmsof restoredconfidenceandwanted to leave themoney invested.“Saltaway thatchicken feed in your duds, and skip along,” says Buck. “What business have you gotinvestinginbonds?Thetea-potorthecrackinthewallbehindtheclockforyourhoardofpennies.”

WhentheprettygirlintheredshawlcashesinBuckhandsheranextratwenty.

“Aweddingpresent,”saysour treasurer,“fromtheGolcondaCompany.Andsay—ifJakeyeverfollowshisnose,evenatarespectfuldistance,aroundthecornerwhereRosaSteinfeldlives,youareherebyauthorizedtoknockacoupleofinchesofitoff.”

When theywasallpaidoffandgone,Buckcalls thenewspaper reporterandshovestherestofthemoneyovertohim.

“Youbegunthis,”saysBuck;“nowfinishit.Overtherearethebooks,showingeveryshare andbond issued.Here’s themoney to cover, exceptwhatwe’ve spent to live on.You’llhavetoactasreceiver.Iguessyou’lldothesquarethingonaccountofyourpaper.This is thebestwayweknowhow to settle it.Me andour substantial but apple-wearyvice-presidentaregoing to follow theexampleofour reveredpresident,andskip.Now,haveyougotenoughnewsforto-day,ordoyouwanttointerviewusonetiquetteandthebestwaytomakeoveranoldtaffetaskirt?”

“News!”saysthenewspaperman,takinghispipeout;“doyouthinkIcouldusethis?Idon’twanttolosemyjob.SupposeIgoaroundtotheofficeandtell‘emthishappened.

What’ll themanaging editor say?He’ll just handme a pass toBellevue and tellme tocome back when I get cured. I might turn in a story about a sea serpent wiggling upBroadway,but Ihaven’tgot thenerve to try ‘emwithapipe like this.Aget-rich-quickscheme—excuse me—gang giving back the boodle! Oh, no. I’m not on the comicsupplement.”

“Youcan’tunderstandit,ofcourse,”saysBuck,withhishandonthedoorknob.“MeandPickain’tWallStreeters likeyouknow‘em.Weneverallowed to swindle sickoldwomenandworkinggirlsandtakenickelsoffofkids.Inthelinesofgraftwe’veworkedwetookmoneyfromthepeopletheLordmadetobebuncoed—sportsandroundersandsmartAlecksandstreetcrowds,thatalwayshaveafewdollarstothrowaway,andfarmersthatwouldn’teverbehappy if thegraftersdidn’tcomearoundandplaywith‘emwhentheysoldtheircrops.Wenevercaredtofishforthekindofsuckersthatbitehere.No,sir.We got too much respect for the profession and for ourselves. Good-by to you, Mr.Receiver.”

“Here!” says the journalist reporter; “wait aminute.There’sabroker Iknowon thenextfloor.WaittillIputthistruckinhissafe.Iwantyoufellowstotakeadrinkonmebeforeyougo.”

“Onyou?”saysBuck,winkingsolemn.“Don’tyougoandtrytomake‘embelieveattheofficeyousaidthat.Thanks.Wecan’tsparethetime,Ireckon.Solong.”

AndmeandBuckslidesoutthedoor;andthat’sthewaytheGolcondaCompanywentintoinvoluntaryliquefaction.

IfyouhadseenmeandBuckthenextnightyou’dhavehadtogotoalittlebumhoteloverneartheWestSideferrylandings.Wewasinalittlebackroom,andIwasfillingupagrossofsix-ouncebottleswithhydrantwatercoloredredwithanilineandflavoredwithcinnamon.Buckwassmoking,contented,andheworeadecentbrownderbyinplaceofhissilkhat.

“It’sagoodthing,Pick,”sayshe,ashedroveinthecorks,“thatwegotBradytolendushishorseandwagonforaweek.We’llrustleupthestakebythen.Thishairtonic’llsellright along over in Jersey. Bald heads ain’t popular over there on account of themosquitoes.”

DirectlyIdraggedoutmyvaliseandwentdowninitforlabels.

“Hairtoniclabelsareout,”saysI.“Onlyaboutadozenonhand.”

“Buysomemore,”saysBuck.

Weinvestigatedourpocketsandfoundwehadjustenoughmoneytosettleourhotelbillinthemorningandpayourpassageovertheferry.

“Plentyofthe‘Shake-the-ShakesChillCure’labels,”saysI,afterlooking.

“Whatmoredoyouwant?”saysBuck.“Slap‘emon.ThechillseasonisjustopeningupintheHackensacklowgrounds.What’shair,anyway,ifyouhavetoshakeitoff?”

WepastedontheChillCurelabelsabouthalfanhourandBucksays:

“Makinganhonestlivin’sbetterthanthatWallStreet,anyhow;ain’tit,Pick?”

“Youbet,”saysI.

HOSTAGESTOMOMUS

I

I never got inside of the legitimate line of graft but once.But, one time, as I say, Ireversed the decision of the revised statutes and undertook a thing that I’d have toapologizeforevenundertheNewJerseytrustlaws.

MeandCaligulaPolk,ofMuskogee in theCreekNation,wasdown in theMexicanState of Tamaulipas running a peripatetic lottery andmonte game.Now, selling lotterytickets is a government graft in Mexico, just like selling forty-eight cents’ worth ofpostage-stampsforforty-ninecentsisoverhere.SoUnclePorfirioheinstructstheruralestoattendtoourcase.

Rurales?They’reasortofcountrypolice;butdon’tdrawanymentalcrayonportraitsof theworthy constableswith a tin star and a gray goatee. The rurales—well, ifwe’dmountourSupremeCourtonbroncos,arm‘emwithWinchesters,andstart‘emoutafterJohnDoeetal.we’dhaveaboutthesamething.

When the rurales started for uswe started for the States. They chased us as far asMatamoras.Wehidinabrickyard;andthatnightweswumtheRioGrande,Caligulawithabrickineachhand,absent-minded,whichhedropsuponthesoilofTexas,forgettinghehad‘em.

FromthereweemigratedtoSanAntone,andthenovertoNewOrleans,wherewetookarest.AndinthattownofcottonbalesandotheradjunctstofemalebeautywemadetheacquaintanceofdrinksinventedbytheCreolesduringtheperiodofLoueyCans,inwhichtheyarestillservedatthesidedoors.ThemostIcanrememberofthistownisthatmeandCaligulaandaFrenchmannamedMcCarty—waitaminute;AdolphMcCarty—wastryingto make the French Quarter pay up the back trading-stamps due on the LouisianaPurchase,whensomebodyhollers that the johndarmsarecoming. Ihavean insufficientrecollectionofbuyingtwoyellowtickets throughawindow;andIseemedtoseeamanswingalanternandsay“Allaboard!”Irememberednomore,exceptthatthetrainbutcherwascoveringmeandCaligulaupwithAugustaJ.Evans’sworksandfigs.

When we become revised, we find that we have collided up against the State ofGeorgia at a spot hitherto unaccounted for in time tables except by an asterisk, whichmeansthattrainsstopeveryotherThursdayonsignalbytearinguparail.Wewaswaked

upinayellowpinehotelbythenoiseofflowersandthesmellofbirds.Yes,sir,forthewindwasbangingsunflowersasbigasbuggywheelsagainsttheweatherboardingandthechickencoopwasrightunderthewindow.MeandCaliguladressedandwentdown-stairs.Thelandlordwasshellingpeasonthefrontporch.Hewassixfeetofchillsandfever,andHongkongincomplexionthoughinotherrespectsheseemedamenableintheexerciseofhissentimentsandfeatures.

Caligula, who is a spokesman by birth, and a small man, though red-haired andimpatientofpainfulnessofanykind,speaksup.

“Pardner,”sayshe,“good-morning,andbedarnedtoyou.Wouldyoumindtellinguswhyweareat?Weknowthereasonwearewhere,butcan’texactlyfigureoutonaccountofatwhatplace.”

“Well, gentlemen,” says the landlord, “I reckoned you-all would be inquiring thismorning.You-all dropped off of the nine-thirty train here last night; and youwas righttight.Yes,youwasrightsmartinliquor.IcaninformyouthatyouarenowinthetownofMountainValley,intheStateofGeorgia.”

“Ontopofthat,”saysCaligula,“don’tsaythatwecan’thaveanythingtoeat.”

“Sitdown,gentlemen,”saysthelandlord,“andintwentyminutesI’llcallyoutothebestbreakfastyoucangetanywhereintown.”

Thatbreakfastturnedouttobecomposedoffriedbaconandayellowishedificethatproved up something between pound cake and flexible sandstone. The landlord calls itcornpone;andthenhesetsoutadishoftheexaggeratedbreakfastfoodknownashominy;andsomeandCaligulamakestheacquaintanceofthecelebratedfoodthatenabledeveryJohnnyRebtolickoneandtwo-thirdsYankeesfornearlyfouryearsatastretch.

“Thewondertomeis,”saysCaligula,“thatUncleRobertLee’sboysdidn’tchasetheGrantandShermanoutfitclearupintoHudson’sBay.Itwouldhavemademethatmadtoeatthistrucktheycallmahogany!”

“Hogandhominy,”Iexplains,“isthestaplefoodofthissection.”

“Then,” saysCaligula, “theyought tokeep itwhere it belongs. I thought thiswasahotelandnotastable.Now,ifwewasinMuskogeeattheSt.LuciferHouse,I’dshowyousomebreakfastgrub.Antelopesteaksandfriedlivertobeginon,andvenisoncutletswithchiliconcarneandpineapplefritters,andthensomesardinesandmixedpickles;andtopitoffwithacanofyellowclingsandabottleofbeer.Youwon’tfindalayoutlikethatonthebillofaffairsofanyofyourEasternrestauraws.”

“Toolavish,”saysI.“I’vetraveled,andI’munprejudiced.There’llneverbeaperfectbreakfasteatenuntilsomemangrowsarmslongenoughtostretchdowntoNewOrleansforhiscoffeeandovertoNorfolkforhisrolls,andreachesuptoVermontanddigsasliceofbutteroutofaspring-house,andthenturnsoverabeehiveclosetoawhitecloverpatchout in Indianafor therest.Thenhe’dcomeprettyclose tomakingamealon theamberthatthegodseatonMountOlympia.”

“Tooephemeral,”saysCaligula.“I’dwanthamandeggs,orrabbitstew,anyhow,fora

chaser.Whatdoyouconsiderthemostedifyingandcasualinthewayofadinner?”

“I’vebeeninfatuatedfromtimetotime,”Ianswers,“withfancyramificationsofgrubsuchasterrapins,lobsters,reedbirds,jambolaya,andcanvas-coveredducks;butafterallthere’s nothing less displeasing to me than a beefsteak smothered in mushrooms on abalconyinsoundoftheBroadwaystreetcars,withahand-organplayingdownbelow,andtheboysholleringextrasaboutthelatestsuicide.Forthewine,givemeareasonablePontyCany.Andthat’sall,exceptademi-tasse.”

“Well,”saysCaligula,“IreckoninNewYorkyougettobeaconniseer;andwhenyougoaroundwiththedemi-tasseyouarenaturallyboundtobuy‘emstylishgrub.”

“It’s a great town for epicures,” says I. “You’d soon fall into theirways if youwasthere.”

“I’ve heard it was,” says Caligula. “But I reckon I wouldn’t. I can polish myfingernailsalltheyneedmyself.”

II

Afterbreakfastwewentoutonthefrontporch,lighteduptwoofthelandlord’sflordeupasperfectos,andtookalookatGeorgia.

Theinstallmentofsceneryvisibletotheeyelookedmightypoor.Asfaraswecouldseewas red hills allwashed downwith gullies and scattered overwith patches of pinywoods. Blackberry bushes was all that kept the rail fences from falling down. Aboutfifteenmilesovertothenorthwasalittlerangeofwell-timberedmountains.

That townofMountainValleywasn’tgoing.Aboutadozenpeoplepermeatedalongthe sidewalks;butwhatyou sawmostlywas rain-barrels and roosters, andboyspokingaroundwithsticksinpilesofashesmadebyburningthesceneryofUncleTomshows.

Andjust thentherepassesdownontheothersideof thestreetahighmanina longblackcoatandabeaverhat.Allthepeopleinsightbowed,andsomecrossedthestreettoshakehandswithhim;folkscameoutofstoresandhousestohollerathim;womenleanedoutofwindowsandsmiled;andallthekidsstoppedplayingtolookathim.Ourlandlordsteppedout on theporch andbent himself double like a carpenter’s rule, and sungout,“Good-morning,Colonel,”whenhewasadozenyardsgoneby.

“And is that Alexander, pa?” says Caligula to the landlord; “and why is he calledgreat?”

“That,gentlemen,”saysthelandlord,“isnolessthanColonelJacksonT.Rockingham,the president of the Sunrise&Edenville TapRailroad,mayor ofMountainValley, andchairmanofthePerryCountyboardofimmigrationandpublicimprovements.”

“Beenawayagoodmanyyears,hasn’the?”Iasked.

“No, sir; Colonel Rockingham is going down to the post-office for his mail. Hisfellow-citizenstakepleasureingreetinghimthuseverymorning.Thecolonelisourmostprominentcitizen.BesidestheheightofthestockoftheSunrise&EdenvilleTapRailroad,heownsa thousandacresof that landacross thecreek.MountainValleydelights,sir, tohonoracitizenofsuchworthandpublicspirit.”

For an hour that afternoon Caligula sat on the back of his neck on the porch andstudied a newspaper, which was unusual in a man who despised print. When he wasthroughhetookmetotheendoftheporchamongthesunlightanddryingdish-towels.IknewthatCaligulahadinventedanewgraft.Forhechewedtheendsofhismustacheandrantheleftcatchofhissuspendersupanddown,whichwashisway.

“What is it now?” I asks. “Just so it ain’t floating mining stocks or raisingPennsylvaniapinks,we’lltalkitover.”

“Pennsylvaniapinks?Oh,thatreferstoacoin-raisingschemeoftheKeystoners.Theyburnthesolesofoldwomen’sfeettomakethemtellwheretheirmoney’shid.”

Caligula’swordsinbusinesswasalwaysfewandbitter.

“You see themmountains,” said he, pointing. “And you seen that colonelman thatowns railroads and cutsmore icewhen he goes to the post-office than Roosevelt doeswhenhecleans‘emout.Whatwe’regoingtodoistokidnapthelatterintotheformer,andinflictaransomoftenthousanddollars.”

“Illegality,”saysI,shakingmyhead.

“Iknewyou’dsay that,” saysCaligula.“At first sight itdoes seem to jarpeaceanddignity.Butitdon’t.Igottheideaoutofthatnewspaper.WouldyoucommitaspersionsonaequitablegraftthattheUnitedStatesitselfhascondonedandindorsedandratified?”

“Kidnapping,”saysI,“isanimmoralfunctioninthederogatorylistofthestatutes.Ifthe United States upholds it, it must be a recent enactment of ethics, along with racesuicideandruraldelivery.”

“Listen,”saysCaligula,“andI’llexplainthecasesetdowninthepapers.HerewasaGreekcitizennamedBurdickHarris,”sayshe,“capturedforagraftbyAfricans;andtheUnitedStatessendstwogunboatstotheStateofTangiersandmakestheKingofMoroccogiveupseventythousanddollarstoRaisuli.”

“Go slow,” says I. “That sounds too international to take in all at once. It’s like‘thimble,thimble,who’sgotthenaturalizationpapers?’”

“‘TwaspressdespatchesfromConstantinople,”saysCaligula.“You’llsee,sixmonthsfromnow.They’llbeconfirmedbythemonthlymagazines;andthenitwon’tbelongtillyou’llnotice‘emalongsidethephotosof theMountPeleeeruptionphotos in thewhile-you-get-your-hair-cutweeklies.It’sallright,Pick.ThisAfricanmanRaisulihidesBurdickHarris up in the mountains, and advertises his price to the governments of differentnations.Now,youwouldn’tthinkforaminute,”goesonCaligula,“thatJohnHaywouldhavechippedinandhelpedthisgraftalongifitwasn’tasquaregame,wouldyou?”

“Why, no,” says I. “I’ve always stood right inwithBryan’s policies, and I couldn’tconsciouslysayawordagainsttheRepublicanadministrationjustnow.ButifHarriswasaGreek,onwhatsystemofinternationalprotocolsdidHayinterfere?”

“It ain’t exactly set forth in the papers,” says Caligula. “I suppose it’s a matter ofsentiment.Youknowhewrotethispoem,‘LittleBreeches’;andthemGreekswearlittleornone.Butanyhow, JohnHaysends theBrooklynand theOlympiaover, and theycoverAfricawith thirty-inchguns.AndthenHaycablesafter thehealthof thepersonagrata.‘Andhoware they thismorning?’hewires. ‘IsBurdickHarris aliveyet,orMr.Raisulidead?’And theKing ofMorocco sends up the seventy thousand dollars, and they turnBurdickHarrisloose.Andthere’snothalfthehardfeelingsamongthenationsaboutthislittlekidnappingmatterastherewasaboutthepeacecongress.AndBurdickHarrissaystothereporters,intheGreeklanguage,thathe’softenheardabouttheUnitedStates,andheadmires Roosevelt next to Raisuli, who is one of the whitest and most gentlemanlykidnappers that he ever worked alongside of. So you see, Pick,” winds up Caligula,“we’vegotthelawofnationsonourside.We’llcutthiscolonelmanoutoftheherd,andcorral him in them littlemountains, and stick uphis heirs and assigns for ten thousanddollars.”

“Well,youseldomlittlered-headedterritorialterror,”Ianswers,“youcan’tbluffyouruncle Tecumseh Pickens! I’ll be your company in this graft. But I misdoubt if you’veabsorbedtheinwardnessofthisBurdickHarriscase,Calig;andifonanymorningwegetatelegramfromtheSecretaryofStateaskingaboutthehealthofthescheme,Iproposetoacquire the most propinquitous and celeritous mule in this section and gallopdiplomaticallyoverintotheneighboringandpeacefulnationofAlabama.”

III

MeandCaligulaspent thenext threedaysinvestigatingthebunchofmountains intowhich we proposed to kidnap Colonel Jackson T. Rockingham.We finally selected anuprightsliceoftopographycoveredwithbushesandtreesthatyoucouldonlyreachbyasecretpaththatwecutoutupthesideofit.Andtheonlywaytoreachthemountainwastofollowupthebendofabranchthatwoundamongtheelevations.

ThenItookinhandanimportantsubdivisionoftheproceedings.IwentuptoAtlantaonthetrainandlaid ina two-hundred-and-fifty-dollarsupplyof themostgratifyingandefficient linesofgrub thatmoneycouldbuy. Ialwayswasanadmirerofviands in theirmorepalliativeandrevisedstages.Hogandhominyarenotonlyinartistictomystomach,but theygive indigestion tomymoral sentiments.And I thoughtofColonel JacksonT.Rockingham,presidentoftheSunrise&EdenvilleTapRailroad,andhowhewouldmisstheluxuryofhishomefareasissofamousamongwealthySoutherners.SoIsunkhalfofmine and Caligula’s capital in as elegant a layout of fresh and canned provisions asBurdickHarrisoranyotherprofessionalkidnappeeeversawinacamp.

I put another hundred in a couple of cases ofBordeaux, two quarts of cognac, twohundredHavanaregaliaswithgoldbands,andacampstoveandstoolsandfoldingcots.Iwanted Colonel Rockingham to be comfortable; and I hoped after he gave up the tenthousand dollars he would give me and Caligula as good a name for gentlemen andentertainers as theGreekmandid the friendof his thatmade theUnitedStates his billcollectoragainstAfrica.

WhenthegoodscamedownfromAtlanta,wehiredawagon,movedthemuponthelittlemountain,andestablishedcamp.Andthenwelaidforthecolonel.

WecaughthimonemorningabouttwomilesoutfromMountainValley,onhiswaytolookaftersomeofhisburntumberfarmland.Hewasanelegantoldgentleman,as thinandtallasatroutrod,withfrazzledshirt-cuffsandspecsonablackstring.Weexplainedtohim,briefandeasy,whatwewanted;andCaligulashowedhim,careless,thehandleofhisforty-fiveunderhiscoat.

“What?”saysColonelRockingham.“BanditsinPerryCounty,Georgia!Ishallseethattheboardofimmigrationandpublicimprovementshearsofthis!”

“Besounfoolhardyastoclimbintothatbuggy,”saysCaligula,“byorderoftheboardof perforation and public depravity. This is a business meeting, and we’re anxious toadjournsinequanon.”

WedroveColonelRockinghamover themountainandup thesideof itas faras thebuggycouldgo.Thenwetiedthehorse,andtookourprisoneronfootuptothecamp.

“Now, colonel,” I says tohim, “we’re after the ransom,meandmypartner; andnoharmwillcometoyouiftheKingofMor—ifyourfriendssendupthedust.Inthemeantimewearegentlementhesameasyou.Andifyougiveusyourwordnottotrytoescape,thefreedomofthecampisyours.”

“Igiveyoumyword,”saysthecolonel.

“Allright,”saysI;“andnowit’seleveno’clock,andmeandMr.Polkwillproceedtoinculcatetheoccasionwithafewwell-timedtrivialitiesinthewayofgrub.”

“Thankyou,”saysthecolonel;“IbelieveIcouldrelishasliceofbaconandaplateofhominy.”

“Butyouwon’t,”saysIemphatic.“Notinthiscamp.Wesoarinhigherregionsthanthemoccupiedbyyourcelebratedbutrepulsivedish.”

Whilethecolonelreadhispaper,meandCaligulatookoffourcoatsandwentinforalittleluncheondeluxe just toshowhim.CaligulawasafinecookoftheWesternbrand.Hecouldtoastabuffaloorfricasseeacoupleofsteersaseasyasawomancouldmakeacupoftea.Hewasgiftedinthewayofknockingtogetheredibleswhenhasteandmuscleand quantitywas to be considered. He held the recordwest of theArkansas River forfryingpancakeswithhislefthand,broilingvenisoncutletswithhisright,andskinningarabbitwithhisteethatthesametime.ButIcoulddothingsencasseroleandàlacreole,andhandletheoilandtobascoasgentlyandnicelyasaFrenchchef.

So at twelve o’clock we had a hot lunch ready that looked like a banquet on aMississippiRiversteamboat.Wespreaditonthetopsoftwoorthreebigboxes,openedtwoquartsoftheredwine,settheolivesandacannedoystercocktailandaready-madeMartinibythecolonel’splate,andcalledhimtogrub.

ColonelRockinghamdrewuphis campstool,wipedoffhis specs, and lookedat thethings on the table. Then I thought hewas swearing; and I feltmean because I hadn’ttakenmorepainswiththevictuals.Buthewasn’t;hewasaskingablessing;andmeandCaligulahungourheads,andIsawateardropfromthecolonel’seyeintohiscocktail.

Inever sawamaneatwith somuchearnestnessandapplication—nothastily, likeagrammarian,oroneofthecanal,butslowandappreciative,likeaanaconda,orarealvivebonjour.

Inanhourandahalfthecolonelleanedback.Ibroughthimaponyofbrandyandhisblackcoffee,andsettheboxofHavanaregaliasonthetable.

“Gentlemen,” says he, blowing out the smoke and trying to breathe it back again,“whenweviewtheeternalhillsandthesmilingandbeneficentlandscape,andreflectuponthegoodnessoftheCreatorwho—”

“Excuse me, colonel,” says I, “but there’s some business to attend to now”; and Ibroughtoutpaperandpenandinkandlaid‘embeforehim.“Whodoyouwanttosendtoforthemoney?”Iasks.

“I reckon,”sayshe,after thinkingabit,“to thevice-presidentofour railroad,at thegeneralofficesoftheCompanyinEdenville.”

“HowfarisittoEdenvillefromhere?”Iasked.

“Abouttenmiles,”sayshe.

ThenIdictatedtheselines,andColonelRockinghamwrotethemout:

Iamkidnappedandheldaprisonerbytwodesperateoutlawsinaplacewhichisuselesstoattempttofind.Theydemandtenthousanddollarsatonceformyrelease.Theamountmustberaisedimmediately,andthese directions followed. Come alone with the money to Stony Creek, which runs out of BlacktopMountains.Followthebedofthecreektillyoucometoabigflatrockontheleftbank,onwhichismarkedacrossinredchalk.Standontherockandwaveawhiteflag.AguidewillcometoyouandconductyoutowhereIamheld.Losenotime.

Afterthecolonelhadfinishedthis,heaskedpermissiontotakeonapostscriptabouthowhewasbeingtreated,sotherailroadwouldn’tfeeluneasyinitsbosomabouthim.Weagreedtothat.Hewrotedownthathehadjusthadlunchwiththetwodesperateruffians;andthenhesetdownthewholebilloffare,fromcocktailstocoffee.Hewoundupwiththeremarkthatdinnerwouldbereadyaboutsix,andwouldprobablybeamorelicentiousandintemperateaffairthanlunch.

MeandCaligulareadit,anddecidedtoletitgo;forwe,beingcooks,wereamenabletopraise,thoughitsoundedoutofplaceonasightdraftfortenthousanddollars.

ItooktheletterovertotheMountainValleyroadandwatchedforamessenger.Byandbyacoloredequestriancamealongonhorseback,ridingtowardEdenville.Igavehimadollartotakethelettertotherailroadoffices;andthenIwentbacktocamp.

IV

Aboutfouro’clockintheafternoon,Caligula,whowasactingaslookout,callstome:

“Ihavetoreportawhiteshirtsignallingonthestarboardbow,sir.”

Iwentdownthemountainandbroughtbackafat, redmaninanalpacacoatandnocollar.

“Gentlemen,”saysColonelRockingham,“allowmetointroducemybrother,CaptainDuvalC.Rockingham,vice-presidentoftheSunrise&EdenvilleTapRailroad.”

“OtherwisetheKingofMorocco,”saysI.“Ireckonyoudon’tmindmycountingtheransom,justasabusinessformality.”

“Well,no,notexactly,”saysthefatman,“notwhenitcomes.Iturnedthatmatteroverto our second vice-president. Iwas anxious afterBrother Jackson’s safetiness. I reckonhe’llbealongrightsoon.Whatdoesthatlobstersaladyoumentionedtastelike,BrotherJackson?”

“Mr.Vice-President,”saysI,“you’llobligeusbyremainingheretillthesecondV.P.arrives. This is a private rehearsal, andwe don’twant any roadside speculators sellingtickets.”

InhalfanhourCaligulasingsoutagain:

“Sailho!Lookslikeanaprononabroomstick.”

Iperambulateddownthecliffagain,andescortedupamansixfootthree,withasandybeard andnootherdimension that you couldnotice.Thinks I tomyself, if he’sgot tenthousanddollarsonhispersonit’sinonebillandfoldedlengthwise.

“Mr.PattersonG.Coble,oursecondvice-president,”announcesthecolonel.

“Gladtoknowyou,gentlemen,”saysthisCoble.“Icameuptodisseminatethetidingsthat Major Tallahassee Tucker, our general passenger agent, is now negotiating apeachcrate full of our railroad bondswith the Perry County Bank for a loan.My dearColonelRockingham,was thatchickengumboorcrackedgooberson thebillof fare inyournote?Meandtheconductoroffifty-sixwashavingadisputeaboutit.”

“Anotherwhitewingson therocks!”hollersCaligula.“If IseeanymoreI’ll fireon‘emandsweartheywastorpedo-boats!”

The guide goes down again, and convoys into the lair a person in blue overallscarryinganamountofinebrietyandalantern.IamsosurethatthisisMajorTuckerthatI

don’tevenaskhimuntilweareupabove;andthenIdiscoverthatitisUncleTimothy,theyardswitchmanatEdenville,whoissentaheadtoflagourunderstandingswiththegossipthat Judge Pendergast, the railroad’s attorney, is in the process of mortgaging ColonelRockingham’sfarminglandstomakeuptheransom.

Whilehe is talking, twomencrawl fromunder thebushes into camp, andCaligula,withnowhiteflagtodisinterhimfromhisplainduty,drawshisgun.ButagainColonelRockinghamintervenesandintroducesMr.JonesandMr.Batts,engineerandfiremanoftrainnumberforty-two.

“Excuseus,”saysBatts,“butmeandJimhavehuntedsquirrelsalloverthismounting,andwedon’tneednowhiteflag.Wasthatstraight,colonel,abouttheplumpuddingandpineapplesandrealstorecigars?”

“Towelonafishing-poleintheoffing!”howlsCaligula.“Supposeit’sthefiringlineofthefreightconductorsandbrakeman.”

“My last tripdown,” says I,wipingoffmy face. “If theS.&E.T.wants to runanexcursionuphere justbecausewekidnapped theirpresident, let ‘em.We’ll putoutoursign.‘TheKidnapper’sCafeandTrainmen’sHome.’”

ThistimeIcaughtMajorTallahasseeTuckerbyhisownconfession,andIfelteasier.Iaskedhim into the creek, so I coulddrownhim if hehappened tobe a track-walkerorcabooseporter.Allthewayupthemountainhedriveledtomeaboutasparagusontoast,athingthathisintelligenceinlifehadskipped.

UpaboveIgothismindsegregatedfromfoodandaskedifhehadraisedtheransom.

“Mydearsir,”sayshe,“Isucceededinnegotiatingaloanonthirtythousanddollars’worthofthebondsofourrailroad,and—”

“Nevermind justnow,major,” says I. “It’s all right, then.Wait till afterdinner, andwe’llsettlethebusiness.Allofyougentlemen,”Icontinuestothecrowd,“areinvitedtostay todinner.Wehavemutually trustedoneanother, and thewhite flag is supposed towaveovertheproceedings.”

“The correct idea,” saysCaligula,whowas standing byme. “Two baggage-mastersandaticket-agentdroppedoutofatreewhileyouwasbelowthelasttime.Didthemajormanbringthemoney?”

“Hesays,”Ianswered,“thathesucceededinnegotiatingtheloan.”

Ifanycookseverearnedtenthousanddollarsintwelvehours,meandCaliguladidthatday. At six o’clock we spread the top of the mountain with as fine a dinner as thepersonnelofanyrailroadeverengulfed.Weopenedallthewine,andweconcoctedentréesandpiècesderesistance,andstirreduplittlesavorychefdecuisinesandorganizedamassofgrubsuchashasbeenseldominstigatedoutofcannedandbottledgoods.Therailroadgatheredaroundit,andthewassailanddiversionswasintense.

AfterthefeastmeandCaligula,inthelineofbusiness,takesMajorTuckertoonesideandtalksransom.Themajorpullsoutanagglomerationofcurrencyaboutthesizeofthe

priceofatownlotinthesuburbsofRabbitville,Arizona,andmakesthisoutcry.

“Gentlemen,”sayshe,“thestockoftheSunrise&Edenvillerailroadhasdepreciatedsome.ThebestIcoulddowiththirtythousanddollars’worthofthebondswastosecurealoanofeighty-sevendollarsandfiftycents.OnthefarminglandsofColonelRockingham,JudgePendergastwasable toobtain,onaninthmortgage, thesumof fiftydollars.Youwillfindtheamount,onehundredandthirty-sevenfifty,correct.”

“A railroad president,” said I, looking this Tucker in the eye, “and the owner of athousandacresofland;andyet—”

“Gentlemen,”saysTucker,“Therailroadis tenmileslong.Theredon’tanytrainrunonitexceptwhenthecrewgoesoutinthepinesandgathersenoughlightwoodknotstogetupsteam.Alongtimeago,whentimeswasgood,thenetearningsusedtorunashighaseighteendollars aweek.ColonelRockingham’s landhasbeen sold for taxes thirteentimes.Therehasn’tbeenapeachcropinthispartofGeorgiafortwoyears.Thewetspringkilledthewatermelons.Nobodyaroundherehasmoneyenoughtobuyfertilizer;andlandissopoorthecorncropfailedandtherewasn’tenoughgrasstosupporttherabbits.Allthepeoplehavehadtoeatinthissectionforoverayearishogandhominy,and—”

“Pick,” interruptsCaligula,mussinguphis redhair, “whatareyougoing todowiththatchicken-feed?”

IhandsthemoneybacktoMajorTucker;andthenIgoesovertoColonelRockinghamandslapshimontheback.

“Colonel,”saysI,“Ihopeyou’veenjoyedourlittlejoke.Wedon’twanttocarryittoofar.Kidnappers!Well,wouldn’t it tickleyouruncle?Myname’sRhinegelder,andI’manephewofChaunceyDepew.Myfriend’sasecondcousinoftheeditorofPuck.Soyoucansee.WearedownSouthenjoyingourselves inourhumorousway.Now, there’s twoquartsofcognactoopenyet,andthenthejoke’sover.”

What’s the use to go into details? One or two will be enough. I remember MajorTallahasseeTuckerplayingona jew’s-harp, andCaligulawaltzingwithhisheadon thewatchpocketofatallbaggage-master.Ihesitatetorefertothecake-walkdonebymeandMr.PattersonG.CoblewithColonelJacksonT.Rockinghambetweenus.

And even on the next morning, when you wouldn’t think it possible, there was aconsolation forme andCaligula.Weknew thatRaisuli himself nevermadehalf thehitwithBurdickHarristhatwedidwiththeSunrise&EdenvilleTapRailroad.

THEETHICSOFPIG

On an east-bound train Iwent into the smoker and found JeffersonPeters, the onlymanwithabrainwestof theWabashRiverwhocanusehiscerebrum,cerebellum,andmedullaoblongataatthesametime.

Jeffisinthelineofunillegalgraft.Heisnottobedreadedbywidowsandorphans;heis a reducer of surplusage. His favorite disguise is that of the target-bird at which thespendthriftor the reckless investormayshya few inconsequentialdollars.He is readilyvocalizedbytobacco;so,withtheaidoftwothickandeasy-burningbrevas,IgotthestoryofhislatestAutolycanadventure.

“Inmylineofbusiness,”saidJeff,“thehardestthingistofindanupright,trustworthy,strictlyhonorablepartnertoworkagraftwith.SomeofthebestmenIeverworkedwithinaswindlewouldresorttotrickeryattimes.

“So,lastsummer,IthinksIwillgooverintothissectionofcountrywhereIheartheserpenthasnotyetentered,andseeifIcanfindapartnernaturallygiftedwithatalentforcrime,butnotyetcontaminatedbysuccess.

“I found a village that seemed to show the right kind of a layout. The inhabitantshadn’t found thatAdamhadbeendispossessed, andweregoing right alongnaming theanimalsandkillingsnakesjustasiftheywereintheGardenofEden.TheycallthistownMount Nebo, and it’s up near the spot where Kentucky andWest Virginia and NorthCarolina corner together. Them States don’t meet? Well, it was in that neighborhood,anyway.

“Afterputting inaweekprovingIwasn’ta revenueofficer, Iwentover to thestorewheretherudefourflushersofthehamletlied,toseeifIcouldgetalineonthekindofmanIwanted.

“‘Gentlemen,’saysI,afterwehadrubbednosesandgathered‘roundthedried-applebarrel.‘Idon’tsupposethere’sanothercommunityinthewholeworldintowhichsinandchicanery has less extensively permeated than this. Life here,where all thewomen arebrave andpropitious and all themenhonest and expedient,must, indeed, be an idol. Itreminds me,’ says I, ‘of Goldstein’s beautiful ballad entitled “The Deserted Village,”whichsays:

‘Illfarestheland,tohasteningillsaprey,Whatartcandriveitscharmsaway?

Thejudgerodeslowlydownthelane,mother.ForI’mtobeQueenoftheMay.’

“‘Why, yes,Mr. Peters,’ says the storekeeper. ‘I reckon we air about as moral andtorpidacommunityastherebeonthemounting,accordingtocensusesofopinion;butI

reckonyouain’tevermetRufeTatum.’

“‘Why,no,’saysthetownconstable,‘hecan’thardlyhaveever.ThatairRufeisshorethemonstrousestscalawagthathasescapedhangin’onthegalluses.AndthatputsmeinmindthatIoughttohaveturnedRufeoutofthelockupbeforeyesterday.Thethirtydayshegot forkillin’YanceGoodloewasup then.Adayor twomorewon’thurtRufeany,though.’

“‘Shucks,now,’saysI,inthemountainidiom,‘don’ttellmethere’samaninMountNeboasbadasthat.’

“‘Worse,’saysthestorekeeper.‘Hestealshogs.’

“IthinkIwilllookupthisMr.Tatum;soadayortwoaftertheconstableturnedhimoutIgotacquaintedwithhimandinvitedhimoutontheedgeoftowntositonalogandtalkbusiness.

“WhatIwantedwasapartnerwithanaturalruralmake-uptoplayapartinsomelittleone-act outrages that Iwasgoing tobookwith thePitfall&Gin circuit in someof theWesterntowns;andthisR.TatumwasbornfortheroleassureasnaturecastFairbanksforthestuffthatkeptElizafromsinkingintotheriver.

“Hewasabout thesizeofa firstbaseman;andhehadambiguousblueeyes like thechinadogonthemantelpiecethatAuntHarrietusedtoplaywithwhenshewasachild.Hishairwavedalittlebit likethestatueofthedinkus-throwerat theVacationinRome,but the color of it reminded you of the ‘Sunset in the Grand Canon, by an AmericanArtist,’thattheyhangoverthestove-pipeholesinthesalongs.HewastheReub,withoutneedingatouch.You’dhaveknownhimforone,evenifyou’dseenhimonthevaudevillestagewithonecottonsuspenderandastrawoverhisear.

“ItoldhimwhatIwanted,andfoundhimreadytojumpatthejob.

“‘Overlooking such a trivial little peccadillo as the habit of manslaughter,’ says I,‘what have you accomplished in the way of indirect brigandage or nonactionablethriftiness that you could point to, with or without pride, as an evidence of yourqualificationsfortheposition?’

“‘Why,’sayshe,inhiskindofSouthernsystemofprocrastinatedaccents,‘hain’tyouheardtell?Thereain’tanyman,blackorwhite,intheBlueRidgethatcantoteoffashoataseasyasIcanwithoutbein’heard,seen,orcotched.Icanliftashoat,’hegoeson,‘outofapen,fromunderaporch,atthetrough,inthewoods,dayornight,anywhereoranyhow,andIguaranteenobodywon’thearasqueal.It’sallinthewayyougrabholdof‘emandcarry ‘em atterwards. Some day,’ goes on this gentle despoiler of pig-pens, ‘I hope tobecomereckernizedasthechampionshoat-stealeroftheworld.’

“‘It’sproper tobeambitious,’ says I; ‘andhog-stealingwilldoverywell forMountNebo; but in the outsideworld,Mr.Tatum, itwould be considered as crude a piece ofbusinessasabearraidonBayStateGas.However,itwilldoasaguaranteeofgoodfaith.We’ll go into partnership. I’ve got a thousand dollars cash capital; and with thathomeward-plodsatmosphereofyoursweoughttobeabletowinoutafewsharesofSoon

Parted,preferred,inthemoneymarket.’

“SoIattachesRufe,andwegoawayfromMountNebodownintothelowlands.Andall theway I coach him for his part in the grafts I had inmind. I had idled away twomonthsontheFloridacoast,andwasfeelingalltothePoncedeLeon,besideshavingsomanynewschemesupmysleevethatIhadtowearkimonostohold‘em.

“I intended to assume a funnel shape andmow a path ninemiles wide though thefarmingbeltoftheMiddleWest;soweheadedinthatdirection.ButwhenwegotasfarasLexingtonwefoundBinkleyBrothers’circusthere,andtheblue-grasspeasantryrompinginto townandpounding theBelgianblockswith theirhand-peggedsabotsasartlessandarbitraryasanextrasessionofaDattoBryandrama.Ineverpassacircuswithoutpullingthevalve-cordandcomingdownfora littleKeyWestmoney;soIengagedacoupleofroomsandboardforRufeandmeatahousenearthecircusgroundsrunbyawidowladynamedPeevy.ThenItookRufetoaclothingstoreandgent’s-outfittedhim.Heshowedupstrong,asIknewhewould,afterhewasriggedupintheready-maderutabagaregalia.MeandoldMisfitzkystuffedhimintoabrightbluesuitwithaNilegreenvisibleplaideffect,andrivetedonafancyvestofa lightTuskegeeNormal tancolor,arednecktie,andtheyellowestpairofshoesintown.

“Theywere the firstclothesRufehadeverwornexcept theginghamlayetteand thebutternut top-dressingofhisnativekraal,andhelookedasself-consciousasanIgorrotewithanewnose-ring.

“ThatnightIwentdowntothecircustentsandopenedasmallshellgame.Rufewastobethecapper.Igavehimarollofphonycurrencytobetwithandkeptabunchofitinaspecialpocket topayhiswinningsoutof.No; I didn’tmistrusthim;but I simplycan’tmanipulatetheballtolosewhenIseerealmoneybet.MyfingersgoonastrikeeverytimeItryit.

“Isetupmylittletableandbegantoshowthemhoweasyitwastoguesswhichshellthelittlepeawasunder.Theunletteredhindsgatheredinathicksemicircleandbegantonudgeelbowsandbanteroneanothertobet.ThenwaswhenRufeoughttohavesingle-footedupandcalledtheturnonthelittlejokerforafewtensandfivestogetthemstarted.But,noRufe.I’dseenhimtwoorthreetimeswalkingaboutandlookingattheside-showpictureswithhismouthfullofpeanutcandy;buthenevercamenigh.

“Thecrowdpikedalittle;buttryingtoworktheshellswithoutacapperislikefishingwithoutabait. Iclosedthegamewithonlyforty-twodollarsof theunearnedincrement,whileIhadbeencountingonyankingtheyeomenfortwohundredatleast.Iwenthomeatelevenandwenttobed.IsupposedthatthecircushadprovedtooalluringforRufe,andthathehadsuccumbedtoit,concertandall;butImeanttogivehimalectureongeneralbusinessprinciplesinthemorning.

“Just after Morpheus had got both my shoulders to the shuck mattress I hears ahouseful of unbecoming and ribald noises like a youngster screechingwith green-applecolic.Iopensmydoorandcallsoutinthehallforthewidowlady,andwhenshesticksherheadout, Isays: ‘Mrs.Peevy,ma’am,wouldyoumindchokingoff thatkidofyoursso

thathonestpeoplecangettheirrest?’

“‘Sir,’saysshe,‘it’snochildofmine.It’sthepigsquealingthatyourfriendMr.Tatumbroughthometohisroomacoupleofhoursago.Andifyouareuncleorsecondcousinorbrothertoit,I’dappreciateyourstoppingitsmouth,sir,yourself,ifyouplease.’

“I put on some of the polite outside habiliments of external society and went intoRufe’sroom.Hehadgottenupandlithislamp,andwaspouringsomemilkintoatinpanonthefloorforadingy-white,half-grown,squealingpig.

“‘Howisthis,Rufe?’saysI.‘Youflimflammedinyourpartoftheworkto-nightandputthegameoncrutches.Andhowdoyouexplainthepig?Itlookslikeback-slidingtome.’

“‘Now,don’tbetoohardonme,Jeff,’sayshe.‘YouknowhowlongI’vebeenusedtostealingshoats.It’sgottobeahabitwithme.Andto-night,whenIseesuchafinechance,Icouldn’thelptakin’it.’

“‘Well,’saysI,‘maybeyou’vereallygotkleptopigia.Andmaybewhenwegetoutofthepigbeltyou’llturnyourmindtohigherandmoreremunerativemisconduct.Whyyoushouldwant tostainyoursoulwithsuchadistasteful, feeble-minded,perverted, roaringbeastasthatIcan’tunderstand.’

“‘Why,Jeff,’sayshe, ‘youain’t insympathywithshoats.Youdon’tunderstand‘emlikeIdo.Thishereseemstometobeananimalofmorethancommonpowersofrationandintelligence.Hewalkedhalfacrosstheroomonhishindlegsawhileago.’

“‘Well, I’mgoingbacktobed,’saysI. ‘See ifyoucanimpress ituponyourfriend’sideasofintelligencethathe’snottomakesomuchnoise.’

“‘Hewashungry,’saysRufe.‘He’llgotosleepandkeepquietnow.’

“IalwaysgetupbeforebreakfastandreadthemorningpaperwheneverIhappentobewithintheradiusofaHoecylinderoraWashingtonhand-press.ThenextmorningIgotupearly,andfoundaLexingtondailyonthefrontporchwherethecarrierhadthrownit.ThefirstthingIsawinitwasadouble-columnad.onthefrontpagethatreadlikethis:

FIVETHOUSANDDOLLARSREWARD

Theaboveamountwillbepaid,andnoquestionsasked,forthereturn,aliveanduninjured,ofBeppo,the famousEuropean educatedpig, that strayedorwas stolen from the side-show tents ofBinkleyBros.’circuslastnight.

Geo.B.Tapley,BusinessManager.Atthecircusgrounds.

“Ifoldedupthepaperflat,putitintomyinsidepocket,andwenttoRufe’sroom.Hewasnearlydressed,andwasfeedingthepigtherestofthemilkandsomeapple-peelings.

“‘Well,well,well,goodmorningall,’Isays,heartyandamiable.‘Soweareup?Andpiggyishavinghisbreakfast.Whathadyouintendeddoingwiththatpig,Rufe?’

“‘I’mgoingtocratehimup,’saysRufe,‘andexpresshimtomainMountNebo.He’llbecompanyforherwhileIamaway.’

“‘He’samightyfinepig,’saysI,scratchinghimontheback.

“‘Youcalledhimalotofnameslastnight,’saysRufe.

“‘Oh,well,’saysI,‘helooksbettertomethismorning.Iwasraisedonafarm,andI’mveryfondofpigs.Iusedtogotobedatsundown,soIneversawonebylamplightbefore.TellyouwhatI’lldo,Rufe,’Isays.‘I’llgiveyoutendollarsforthatpig.’

“‘IreckonIwouldn’tsellthisshoat,’sayshe.‘IfitwasanyotheroneImight.’

“‘Whynotthisone?’Iasked,fearfulthathemightknowsomething.

“‘Why,because,’sayshe,‘itwasthegrandestachievementofmylife.Thereain’tairyothermanthatcouldhavedoneit.IfIeverhaveafiresideandchildren,I’llsitbesideitand tell ‘emhow their daddy totedoff a shoat fromawhole circus full ofpeople.Andmaybemygrandchildren, too.They’llcertainlybeproudawholepassel.Why,’sayshe,‘therewastwotents,oneopenin’intotheother.Thisshoatwasonaplatform,tiedwithalittlechain.Iseenagiantandaladywithafinechanceofbushywhitehairintheothertent.Igottheshoatandcrawledoutfromunderthecanvasagainwithouthimsqueakin’asloudasamouse.Iputhimundermycoat,andImusthavepassedahundredfolksbeforeIgotoutwherethestreetswasdark.IreckonIwouldn’tsellthatshoat,Jeff.I’dwantmatokeepit,sothere’dbeawitnesstowhatIdone.’

“‘Thepigwon’tlivelongenough,’Isays,‘touseasanexhibitinyoursenilefiresidemendacity. Your grandchildren will have to take your word for it. I’ll give you onehundreddollarsfortheanimal.’

“Rufelookedatmeastonished.

“‘Theshoatcan’tbeworthanythinglikethattoyou,’hesays.‘Whatdoyouwanthimfor?’

“‘Viewingmecasuistically,’saysI,withararesmile,‘youwouldn’tthinkthatI’vegotanartisticsidetomytemper.ButIhave.I’macollectorofpigs.I’vescouredtheworldforunusualpigs.OverintheWabashValleyI’vegotahogranchwithmosteveryspecimenonit,fromaMerinotoaPolandChina.Thislookslikeabloodedpigtome,Rufe,’saysI.‘Ibelieveit’sagenuineBerkshire.That’swhyI’dliketohaveit.’

“‘I’dshoreliketoaccommodateyou,’sayshe,‘butI’vegottheartistictenement,too.Idon’tseewhyitain’tartwhenyoucanstealashoatbetterthananybodyelsecan.Shoatsis a kind of inspiration and genius with me. Specially this one. I wouldn’t take twohundredandfiftyforthatanimal.’

“‘Now,listen,’saysI,wipingoffmyforehead.‘It’snotsomuchamatterofbusinesswithmeas it is art; andnot somuchart as it is philanthropy.Beinga connoisseur anddisseminatorofpigs,Iwouldn’tfeellikeI’ddonemydutytotheworldunlessIaddedthatBerkshiretomycollection.Notintrinsically,butaccordingtotheethicsofpigsasfriendsandcoadjutorsofmankind,Iofferyoufivehundreddollarsfortheanimal.’

“‘Jeff,’saysthisporkesthete,‘itain’tmoney;it’ssentimentwithme.’

“‘Sevenhundred,’saysI.

“‘Makeiteighthundred,’saysRufe,‘andI’llcrushthesentimentoutofmyheart.’

“Iwentundermyclothesformymoney-belt,andcountedhimoutfortytwenty-dollargoldcertificates.

“‘I’lljusttakehimintomyownroom,’saysI,‘andlockhimuptillafterbreakfast.’

“I took thepigby thehind leg.He turnedona squeal like the steamcalliopeat thecircus.

“‘Letme totehim in foryou,’ saysRufe; andhepicksup thebeast underone arm,holdinghissnoutwiththeotherhand,andpackshimintomyroomlikeasleepingbaby.

“After breakfastRufe,who had a chronic case of haberdashery ever since I got histrousseau,sayshebelieveshewillambledowntoMisfitzky’sandlookoversomeroyal-purplesocks.AndthenIgotasbusyasaone-armedmanwiththenettle-rashpastingonwall-paper.IfoundanoldNegromanwithanexpresswagontohire;andwetiedthepiginasackanddrovedowntothecircusgrounds.

“IfoundGeorgeB.Tapleyina little tentwithawindowflapopen.Hewasafattishmanwithanimmediateeye,inablackskull-cap,withafour-ouncediamondscrewedintothebosomofhisredsweater.

“‘AreyouGeorgeB.Tapley?’Iasks.

“‘Iswearit,’sayshe.

“‘Well,I’vegotit,’saysI.

“‘Designate,’sayshe.‘AreyoutheguineapigsfortheAsiaticpythonorthealfalfaforthesacredbuffalo?’

“‘Neither,’saysI.‘I’vegotBeppo,theeducatedhog,inasackinthatwagon.Ifoundhim rooting up the flowers in my front yard this morning. I’ll take the five thousanddollarsinlargebills,ifit’shandy.’

“GeorgeB.hustlesoutofhistent,andasksmetofollow.Wewentintooneoftheside-shows.Intherewasajetblackpigwithapinkribbonaroundhisnecklyingonsomehayandeatingcarrotsthatamanwasfeedingtohim.

“‘Hey,Mac,’callsG.B.‘Nothingwrongwiththeworld-widethismorning,isthere?’

“‘Him?No,’saystheman.‘He’sgotanappetitelikeachorusgirlat1A.M.’

“‘How’d you get this pipe?’ says Tapley to me. ‘Eating too many pork chops lastnight?’

“Ipullsoutthepaperandshowshimthead.

“‘Fake,’ sayshe. ‘Don’tknowanythingabout it.You’vebeheldwithyourowneyesthe marvelous, world-wide porcine wonder of the four-footed kingdom eating with

preternaturalsagacityhismatutinalmeal,unstrayedandunstole.Goodmorning.’

“Iwasbeginningtosee.Igot in thewagonandtoldUncleNedtodriveto themostadjacentorificeofthenearestalley.ThereI tookoutmypig,gottherangecarefullyfortheotheropening,sethissights,andgavehimsuchakickthathewentouttheotherendofthealleytwentyfeetaheadofhissqueal.

“Then IpaidUncleNedhis fiftycents,andwalkeddown to thenewspaperoffice. Iwantedtohearitincoldsyllables.Igottheadvertisingmantohiswindow.

“‘Todecideabet,’saysI,‘wasn’tthemanwhohadthisad.putinlastnightshortandfat,withlongblackwhiskersandaclub-foot?’

“‘Hewas not,’ says theman. ‘Hewouldmeasure about six feet by four and a halfinches,withcorn-silkhair,anddressedlikethepansiesoftheconservatory.’

“AtdinnertimeIwentbacktoMrs.Peevy’s.

“‘ShallIkeepsomesouphotforMr.Tatumtillhecomesback?’sheasks.

“‘Ifyoudo,ma’am,’saysI,‘you’llmorethanexhaustforfirewoodallthecoalinthebosomoftheearthandalltheforestsontheoutsideofit.’

“Sothere,yousee,”saidJeffersonPeters,inconclusion,“howharditisevertofindafair-mindedandhonestbusiness-partner.”

“But,” I began,with the freedom of long acquaintance, “the rule shouldwork bothways.Ifyouhadofferedtodividetherewardyouwouldnothavelost—”

Jeff’slookofdignifiedreproachstoppedme.

“Thatdon’t involve the sameprinciplesat all,” saidhe. “Minewasa legitimateandmoralattemptatspeculation.Buylowandsellhigh—don’tWallStreetendorseit?Bullsandbearsandpigs—what’sthedifference?Whynotbristlesaswellashornsandfur?”