T H E G A PR E T U R N T O Y O U R S E L F :

H O W T O A C T U A L L Y R E L A X , S L E E P , A N D T H I N K S T R A I G H T

A G A I N I N S P I T E O F A R O M A N T I C C R I S I S

By Carol Allen

"Heartfelt help for smart women who are suffering..."

Okay, the worst has happened…  

Your hair is on fire.  

Your nerves are in a blender.  

You lie in bed, going over and over every detail…  

What you said.  

What you SHOULD have said.  

What he said.  

What HE should have said.

(‘Cuz it’s his fault, right? Of course it is!)  

What you did.  

What you WISH you did.  

What he did… and now what he’s NOT doing.

(Not calling, not texting, not making plans, not being nice… can you believe

that guy?!?)  

You’re stunned it’s happened – again…  

A man has pulled away.  

A man you THOUGHT was different.  

A man you REALLY want to be close to… make that, NEED to be close to.  

(Perhaps even a man you’ve been close to for years. So the stakes are

REALLY high. Gulp.)  

 I feel ya…  

I’ve been there.

I’ve tossed and turned, in utter agony at a disconnection with a man…  

From my first love, to my college crushes, to my husband of forever.  

It never gets any easier.  

The initial HELL of it all, that is.  

Lying at the bottom of that well of terrifying emotions, unable to think

straight, focus on anything else, get anything done, or breathe… unsure how

you’ll ever emerge from the depths and get back into the light.  

Yup, even us happily married/”secure attachment style” types can FALL into

the Gap with a man.  

(Luckily, in my case, it’s only about once a decade these days. But it happens!)

 

The good news?  

You don’t have to stay there.  

You can pick yourself up, calm yourself down, and (super importantly!) stay

calm, cool, and collected, if you DO interact with him, so you PREVENT any

further damage to your relationship, or the rest of your life.  

It’s true… I promise.  

If you’re going through painful drama with a man, you can actually be happy

in spite of it.  

 

Whether you’re a little anxious and distracted, or on full RED ALERT, you can

stop the madness and come back to yourself.  

Even just doing a few key simple things can hit the RESET button in your

mind, body, and soul.  

You have so much more power than you think you do.  

I’ve slowly dusted myself off, and done the treacherous, painful climb up and

out of this misery.  

Let me help you from falling any further, and share some tools to get you

back to your best YOU, or at the very least, the best VERSION of you

possible right now.

BUT FIRST, THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND

The way you’re feeling is totally normal.  

Yup, it’s not your fault you’re freaking out.  

You’re “hard-wired” for connection. And these emotions aren’t rational. (Oh,

yeah. All emotions aren’t rational! Emotions live in a totally different part of

the brain than the “rational part.”)  

Any time we feel a threat of some kind – to our property, our social status,

our happiness – the emotional part of our brains starts to become

OVERACTIVE, and LOUD.  

And if you’ve ever experienced disconnection or rejection with a man before

(who hasn’t?), then you likely have the added fun of having your emotions

now REMIND you of those other times, too. 

 And if one (or more) of these disconnections from you past led to a big

heartbreak, your emotions may be blinding you to the reality of this current

situation, coloring your reaction to this guy, with the “unfinished” wreckage

left by that guy…  

So you’re not just reacting to this situation. You’re responding to the

accumulation of all of those memories, and all those “Ghosts from

Relationships Past…” (even if you don’t consciously remember them).  

Good times!  

(I know I’m being “Captain Obvious” right about now, I just had to remind

you… ‘cuz you’re not thinking straight, remember?)  

So, puhleez don’t fall down a rabbit hole at the bottom of that dry well

(mixing my metaphors – you get the idea!) by being MAD at yourself, or

judging yourself for feeling this way.  

You’re already disconnected from HIM… Please don’t now disconnect from

YOURSELF.  

We can’t control what he’s going to do. But you can control what you’re

going to do… and even what you’re going to feel. (At least to a point.)  

And you can be on your own side through this. And, girlfriend, to do more

than survive this oh-so-agonizing time, you MUST be.   

Which is why I’ve called this little tome, “Get Back to YOURSELF…”    

Right now your brain is tricking you to think that HE is the answer to this

feeling. That he can put you “out of your misery,” and that you need HIM to

feel better.  

But you don’t. The person you really need right now is YOU…

ONE OF LIFE’S GREAT IRONIES  

If you’re a spiritual, “Law of Attraction” type (which I am!), then you likely

believe that you “get what you believe.”  

And that everything happening to you in your life is a reflection of your

beliefs.  

And, in part, that’s true…  

Or maybe you’re an “Everything that’s happening is for me to learn from”

kind of girl, which is a lovely philosophy of life.  

But there’s another Law that’s as important as the Law of Attraction, and

another Life Philosophy that can better serve you now.  

I don’t know the name of it. I don’t even know if it has a name. But time and

time again, I’ve seen the truth of it.    

It’s probably a law of physics… or nature, as you can certainly look to nature

to see evidence of it.   

Let’s call it the “Law of Connection” (and so we stay on topic…). 

In using the “Law of Connection” you find that you’ll feel connected to people

like you. You’ll feel drawn to people who are “VIBE-ing” the way you are.    

This can be noticeable on the outside – people that “VIBE” as you do might

share your interests, choices in music and fashion, and political beliefs - your

external ways of being.    

But to really “vibe” with a man, you’ll find that he has to share things that are

not noticeable because they’re intangible, and more on the inside – your

emotional ways of being.    

This goes beyond the things you like and want (though it can include those),

and gets into issues of your, well, issues themselves.    

He’ll have the same emotional wounds that you do, or the very ones that

seem to fit perfectly with yours (like the missing pieces of your puzzle).     

- If you’re always happy, he might go more “dark.”    

- If you’re a “Chatty Cathy,” always talking to everyone, he might be more

quiet.    

- If you’re super social and outgoing, he might prefer to be home with a book.

(But enough about MY relationship. Kidding… err, kinda…) 

This can make it seem like he’s the opposite of you (the old “opposites

attract” maxim at play), but really he’s not… he’s the

“unexpressed/unclaimed” parts of you, that you need in order to feel whole.  

 

But this “Law of Connection” thing goes deeper. And this is where you can

get into trouble.  

Under your shared interests and wounds, or complementary ones, is the part

that’s REALLY profound.  

He will MIRROR back to you the way YOU feel about YOU.  

If you’re always putting yourself last by over working, and talking down to

yourself… so will he.  

If you’re always “abandoning yourself” through over giving to others, or

denying your own needs or feelings – so will he.  

If you’re always criticizing yourself or thinking you should be somehow

different than you are – so will he.  

(Cue the car crashing sound effects right about now…)  

This can seem like that other tired old adage that we “teach people how to

treat us.” He’s not treating you this way because he can…he’s doing so

because YOU are treating YOU this way.  

How do I know? Because I see it all the time.  

A woman will come to my workshop and spend two days second guessing

herself, having feelings but then talking herself out of them, minimizing her

needs and emotions, giving disclaimers every time she asks a question, and

then over give  -  letting everyone else have the better chair, bigger pillow,

last piece of pizza…  

She’ll shake her head, and say to the room, “I don’t know why every man

leaves me.”  

And she’ll be totally shocked when I point out to her what we’ve all

witnessed all weekend long. That she’s constantly leaving herself…  

Now, you might read this and say, “But, Carol. She’s a giver. Maybe it makes

her happy to give. Maybe that’s not her abandoning herself. Maybe that’s

just her being herself.”  

And I would agree, except for the times where she said things like, “I have a

stupid question… “ “This probably doesn’t make any sense but…” “I know

everyone else probably knows this but…” “I know I shouldn’t feel this way…”

“I can’t believe I did that with a guy. How could I be so dumb?”  

Get it?

Everything that came out of her mouth was her disconnecting from herself

somehow.  

By continuously dismissing her own needs, wants, and emotions, she keeps

reinforcing the idea (and the VIBES) that everyone else should, too.  

If she took herself more seriously, and felt more entitled to BE who she is,

THINK what she thinks, FEEL what she feels AND have that better chair,

bigger pillow, and piece of pizza (okay, she can split it with someone…) just

THINK what might start happening!    

She’d stop attracting men who don’t make her a priority, and who dismiss her

needs, too.     

Now, I’m sure Freud and Jung and modern psychologists and social scientists

would have all kinds of great things to add to this…  

But the upshot is, WATCH HOW YOU TREAT YOU.  

Watch how you talk to yourself, how you take care of your physical needs,

how you honor your feelings.  

And then see what happens… oooh, this will get interesting!

BUT WE’VE GOT CALMING, HEALING RESOURCES TO SHARE…  

This is a quickie book, because when you’re upset you can’t focus,

remember? And now that I’m lecturing you about your core life philosophies,

and the misery of how a man treats you may be a reflection of something

deeper inside of you, I’ve likely REALLY lost you.  

We gotta get back to the point – how you can feel BETTER and STRONGER

so you can snap out of this terrible place you’re in, and connect more deeply

to yourself.  

(Which I hope I just made clear, is more important than connecting to any

man – but has the lovely side effect of making them wanna come closer to

you, too! Yes!)     

According to ancient Vedic philosophy, you’re made up of spiritual,

emotional, and physical bodies. And, not surprisingly, they all work together.

 

When it comes to a disconnection, it’s likely they all could use a boost. 

So, let’s scrape you off the ceiling and get you some emergency intervention

CALMING resources now. There are as many ways to uplift ourselves as

there are disconnected relationships. I welcome you to research your own.  

These are a few that have been utterly miraculous in my own life and the

lives of clients.    

(And – excuse me for being Captain Obvious again – none of these are a

substitute for professional medical or psychological advice specific to you

and your situation. These are general suggestions from a lay person with

some anecdotal personal positive results. If you reeeeeally feel bad, and

these tips don’t quickly make a positive difference, please bring in someone

in a white coat with framed degrees on their walls. Had to say that!) 

Whether you call them “Erbs” or use a hard “H” these medicinal plants work.

I prefer them dried and in tea form (or fresh and in big frozen drink with an

umbrella in it at the luau form – ooops, I’m confusing this suggestion with my

“how to throw a great party” bonus book), herbs can either stimulate your

nervous system or calm it down.

Since right now you don’t need stimulation, I recommend avoiding caffeine.

(I’m a huge black tea addict, and am not proud to confess would step on a

baby for a latte, but when I’m anxious, I reach for the herbal teas instead.)

An amazing Ayurvedic remedy for anxiety is a calming tea called Vata Tea.

Amazon has numerous options. It almost feels like it’s a sedative – it’s that

good. Make a big pot of it, and feel your frazzled neurons start to ease in

mere minutes.  

1) Herbs

Years ago in my early twenties, I got into Multi-Level Marketing scheme,

thinking I could “get rich quick.” Soon I had a bleeding ulcer and a garage full

of carbon activated water filters I couldn’t sell and thousands of dollars in

debt I couldn’t fathom how I was going to repay. For the first time in my

young, comfortable life, I was anxious. Really anxious. One night I woke up

and the walls seemed to literally be “closing in” and my throat felt like it was

“closing down.”

Yup, an anxiety attack. 

I crawled to a therapist who specialized in short term crisis counseling,

helping otherwise normally sane people get out of a tough patch in their

lives. In a few sessions I was my old self, and in a few months I’d sold all the

water filters, gotten a second job, and paid back all those loans. Best of all,

the walls never seemed to contract again. 

2) Breathe to Prevent Anxiety

What did she do that worked so well? She taught me a breathing technique

that made it physically impossible to feel anxious! You see, anxiety isn’t just

in the brain. It starts in the brain as an emotion (usually fear), that then sends

a signal to the adrenal glands to release adrenalin.

Then we feel a spike in our heart rate, and our blood pressure, which sends a

signal back to our brains that makes our fear increase, requiring we release

more adrenalin.

Pretty soon there’s a loop from the brain to the adrenal glands to keep up

their secretions, and telling our adrenal glands to keep stoking our bodies to

engage our brains. In my case, the loop ramped up and up, and pretty soon an

anxiety attack took over. This can make even a small problem seem  as

perilous as the front lines of a bloody war zone.

So, to stop this terrible cycle, you gotta break the communication system

between your brain and your adrenal glands.

Here’s how to do that:

- Sit in prayer pose, with your palms together over your heart. You can have

your feet on the floor, or your legs can be crossed, Buddha style.

- Tighten your diaphragm (the muscles under your lungs, at the top of your

abdomen).

- Breathe in deeply.

- Exhale, and when you do make a hissing sound for as long as you possibly

can, going “Ssssssssssssss” like you’re a snake in a Harry Potter movie.

- Repeat.

- Repeat for as long as it takes to feel calm. 

I don’t know the exact science of this, and let’s not forget this was a long time

ago (a crazy long time ago!) and by now you’ve guessed from my medical

disclaimer above that I’m no doctor. But the counselor was a doctor, and I

remember her explaining that when you tighten your diaphragm you block

the messages traveling from the adrenal glands to the brain and back…

When you sit with your hands in prayer pose it does something with the

electricity of your body – causing the energy to circle around and replenish

you.

And the effects of deep breathing are the stuff of legend, but I have no idea

why hissing somehow makes it even more impactful. I just remember that

things became better immediately, and I never had an anxiety attack again,

and I haven’t since.

(One of the reasons smokers love to smoke is that it makes them feel calmer,

because it’s also a deep breathing exercise, while at the same causing disease

in the very mechanism it’s powerfully using! Oh, the irony….) 

One of the quickest ways to impair someone is to deprive them of sleep.

That’s why it’s often the first form of torture used in war on POW’s to get

them to “crack” and share secrets. Did you catch that? Being deprived of

sleep is a kind of torture…

Listen, when the man in your life has pulled away, that’s torture enough! But

when we’re upset, one of the first things to happen is (you already know

where this is going) we can’t fall or stay asleep.

No wonder we’re so exhausted and depressed! 

Ever been around a little kid that’s lost its favorite toy AND missed nap time?

That’s you in this scenario. So, if you’re trying to not be needy or clingy when

a man needs “space” then you’ve really gotta get some sleep!

3) Sleep

There are a few ways to do so…

Again, you can turn to herbs. The herb Valerian Root is famous for being a

sleep aid. You can get it in supplement form, or it also comes as a tea.

If you find you need something a little stronger, I’ve had great success with

homeopathic sleep aids, especially Bach Flower Remedies.  You can order

Bach Flower Rescue Sleep Melts at Amazon, too. (What did we DO before

Amazon?)

If these mild options aren’t doing the trick, don’t turn to the hard stuff… let’s

get you to breeeeathe yourself to sleep. Yup, that again.

There’s an amazing, simple, five-step breathing technique that originated in

ancient India that I first heard about from my friend, genius Creativity and

Success Coach, Samantha Bennett. It’s endorsed by Andrew Weil, M.D., too,

who calls it a “natural tranquilizer for the body” and is done in breaths of 4, 7,

and then 8 seconds.

HOW TO DO THE 4:7:8 BREATH TO RELAX OR SLEEP

a. Exhale completely through your mouth, with your tongue pressed against

the back of your front upper teeth                

b. Close your mouth and inhale through your nose to a count of four.            

c. Hold your breath for a count of seven.

d. Exhale completely through your mouth, with our tongue still pressed to

the back of your front teeth to the count of eight.

e. Inhale again and repeat the cycle three more times for a total of four

breaths.

It’s recommended that you do this 4:7:8 breathing twice a day. It’s been

found that when done regularly, even longtime insomniacs typically fall

asleep within the four breaths (isn’t that amazing?).

If all else fails, I’m a huge fan of Subliminal Programming – a sound

technology set to soothing music that acts much like hypnosis, putting you

into an altered state, your brain waves so relaxed they actually go below the

level of sleep!

I’ve used and recommended the recordings of a woman named Kelly Howell

for years. She has CDs and Mp3’s on everything from anxiety, to depression,

to curing insomnia. She’s on Amazon, too, of course, but her full catalog is

readily found on her site at www.brainsync.com. 

Sometimes life is just too much and we can’t seem to make ourselves feel

better, no matter what we try. Exercise, time with friends, hot bubble baths,

cuddling a cat (all my favorites, especially that last one) simply aren’t enough

if true depression has set in.

Now, to be clear, if you’re suffering from Clinical Depression, what I’m going

to suggest is not sufficient, and I urge you to seek professional help. (A

therapist friend of mine says that untreated Clinical Depression is every bit

as life threatening as a Diabetic not on insulin… whew – had to mention

that!)

But if you’re having more garden variety “I’ve got the blues ‘cuz my man’s

done me wrong” kind of sadness, then you may just need a little summin’

summin’ to pick you up. (No, I’m still not recommending frozen drinks with

umbrellas in them. Alcohol is a depressant, after all!) 

4) Boost Your Mood

Amazingly, there are foods - naturally healthy ones – that contain serotonin,

the neurotransmitter required to maintain a balanced mood, that when in a

deficit causes depression.

Some foods are high in serotonin, while others help us produce more of it

ourselves…  (sadly, chocolate does not make these lists, but cheese does!)

According to the Google Gods, Serotonin-rich foods include:

Eggs

Cheese

Pineapples

Tofu

Salmon

Walnuts and Hickory Nuts

Kiwis

Plums

Tomatoes

Turkey (Though some people would find it elevates their mood more to hang

out with a turkey, than eat one…)

And foods that assist in raising Serotonin levels (by providing calming B

Vitamins), among other things are:

Cereals

Whole grains

Potatoes

Pork

Liver

Kidney Beans

Chicken

Wheat germ

Bananas

Peanuts

Eggs (again)

Mushrooms

Watermelon

Grapefruit

Shellfish

Dairy products 

(Whew, I don’t know about you, but this is making me want an omelet, but

please hold the liver. The mere thought is making me depressed, undoing

whatever good the uptick of Serotonin might have provided.)

If you’re a Vegan, or a Paleo Diet person who won’t eat fruit, or are allergic to

peanuts, shell fish, or dairy products like so many of us… there’s another way

to get Serotonin and its pleasure inducing cousin, Dopamine.

Yup, through homeopathic sprays and tinctures.

There are several all over the web. I’ve experienced great results a couple of

sprays called “SerotaFlo” and “DopaFlo” by a company called Apex

Energetics.

You used to be able to just order them through your local health food store,

or (again!) from online sources, such as good old Amazon. But now it’s

required that a health professional (though it doesn’t have to be an M.D.) do

so for you. I get mine from my chiropractor.  

My favorite thing to do when I’m stressed (besides hug Baby Princess

Motorhead, our Tortoise Shell Tabby cat), is to tell myself an “everything is

FINE” affirmation over and over.

My favorite Relaxation Inducing Mantra is, “God loves me, and everything is

all right.”

Think about it – this one sentence covers everything anyone could possibly

need covering… it says:

There is a God

He loves ME

Everything is all right

 Wow. 

5) Affirm Your  Stress Away...

The word “everything” INCLUDES everything.

So there’s no “thing” to worry about.

Tell your “monkey mind” to chew on that for a while.

Now, the thought of a God might make you more stressed than ever. If that’s

the case, I’d recommend you come up with something else.

“Every day in every way I’m getting better and better,” is a fun one my

college roommate used to say. Then she’d look at me with a gleam in her eye

and say, “I can’t wait for tomorrow!”

“Why?” I’d ask, falling for it.

 “Cuz if every day in every way I’m getting better and better, then tomorrow

I’ll get better looking!”

But I digress…

“This, too, shall pass” is quite famous for reminding us at times of difficulty

that they won’t last forever.

“Tomorrow is another day,” (as said by Scarlett O’Hara is, too).

If repeating things to yourself over and over only makes you feel all the more

like you’re ready for the “nut house” then I have another suggestion.

(Don’t I always?) 

The topic of affirmations or mantras brings up an even more foundational

idea… that it’s critical at all times, but especially during painful times, to

WATCH your self-talk and the temptation to catastrophize things.

Is it really the end of the world if that guy doesn’t come back?

Is it really so terrible that he had to break plans?

Is it really so upsetting that he’s perhaps not available right now?

REALLY?

Oh, how we love drama, don’t we?

It makes us feel alive… and important… and like the star of the epic movie of

our life.

But if you want it to be a sweeping fairy tale, and not a slasher horror film,

you gotta get ahold of yourself.

Visualize what you want now… and see the happy, loving outcome you long

for - one in which you are as close and connected with one special man (or

several!) as you desire.

Try to cultivate a connection to something greater than yourself, so you can

have some faith at these times, and not fall for the temporary situation

you’re mired in… 

If not a higher power, than at least a brighter future you want to step into.

Okay, I’m starting to get all bossy and finger waggy… and that’s not gonna

make anyone feel better.

So I think I’ll sign off now.

But before I do… how are you now?

Better?

Calmer, I hope?

Up from the bottom of that well?

Have you stopped obsessing about him, and put the focus back where

belongs – on YOU, and how to make your awesome life even better?

Do you see now that YOU and your connection to YOURSELF is the very

foundation of whether or not a man can connect with you anyway?

Are you excited to get a great nights’ sleep, and cultivate regular, supportive

thoughts, and have some yummy, happy foods?

Do you feel more hopeful about the future?

If so, then my work here is done. For now…

Thank you for letting me share some of my hard-earned resources with you.  

    

It’s my sincere with that you’ve found these simple suggestions helpful. I

truly hope you never need them.

But in case you do, keep this filed away in a folder somewhere (it’ll be our

little secret!), so you’re ready no matter what life – or love – brings your

way. 

Carol Allen is a happily married Vedic astrologer and relationship coach whose mission is to

empower women to enjoy truly “out of this world” love lives. Carol’s been featured on E!, Bridezillas, EXTRA, Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers  and in Chicken Soup For The Soul, Woman’s World, and Daily Candy, and is the author of Love Is In The Stars – The Wise Woman’s Astrological Guide To Men.

Her methods are a unique marriage of East and West, combining her training in the

astrology of India with cutting-edge, real-world relationship research.

Whether you’re looking for a soulmate, want to deepen an existing relationship, or heal

lifelong love patterns, the answers are literally written in the stars… and almost anything

can be made much better with your own right actions once you know the truth and what to

do about it.

Don’t wait on fate - discover the awesome power you have to attract, enhance, and sustain

a great love, and make the most of your romantic destiny with Carol’s free newsletter and

catalog of books (get a free book!), personalized astrology reports, and relationship

programs, here: www.loveisinthestars.com.

- Carol