the fabric of friendship - Ave Maria Press · PDF fileeverywhere–in the United States and in many countries around the world–forced ... The stories in The Fabric of Friendship

the fabric of

friendshipcelebrating the Joys, Mending the tears

in Women’s relationships

Joy carol

reader’s guide

�

This guide includes a conversation with the author and some suggested questions and topics for discussion.

The questions are intended to help your group find new and stimulating topics for discussion for Joy Carol’s The Fabric of Friendship. We hope these ideas will enrich your conversations and perspective about the book and add to your satisfaction and enjoyment.

�

Q: In The Fabric of Friendship and in your earlier books, you include stories about people who face tremendous obstacles and problems in their relationships and their lives but who are able to change these situations and transform their lives. Is there a reason why you write about this?

A: Over ten years ago, I faced three close encounters with death in three years: a lethal streptococcus infection, a serious accident as a pedestrian hit by a car, and a brain tumor. During those very frightening times my close women friends gathered around me and supported me. I not only learned how valuable friendship can be, but how precious it is to be alive, that we can appreciate life even though we may not be able to “fix” what goes wrong or to have what we want. My life-threatening experiences taught me that although we may be unable to change the bad things that happen to us, we are able to change how we respond to them if we have support. So I intentionally choose to write about this. I want people to know it is possible to transform what may seem to be hopeless situations into personal triumphs, especially if we have strong friendships.

Q: You have worked and lived in some of the poorest countries in the world. Have these experiences influenced your writing about women’s relationships?

A: Yes, they certainly have. I’ve spent over 25 years traveling and working in some of the most poverty-stricken countries in the world. When I lived in Karachi, Pakistan, I worked in the worst slums where poverty and disease were beyond imagination. Yet in the midst of that destitution, I experienced an extraordinary camaraderie among the women, who in the eyes of their society had almost no value. With little or no belongings, horrible sanitary conditions, and no food to eat, the women helped each other cope with their very grueling life. Often they welcomed me like a sister into their tiny mud huts, and we sat on dirt floors talking and laughing as we shared a single cup of tea that we passed around and drank from until it was empty. I was surprised that these poor women could have such a palpable sense of belonging, joy, and fellowship in their lives. As I left their homes, I realized that I had experienced the gift of true friendship. I knew then that I wanted to share with others what I had witnessed: the potential power of women’s solidarity and spirit.

Q: Why did you want to write a book about women’s friendships?

A: No matter where I work or live, I’m drawn to women’s stories. I’ve seen women everywhere–in the United States and in many countries around the world–forced to face the toughest barriers imaginable, and yet they find the courage to cope and

�

transform their lives, especially if they have supportive relationships. I am deeply touched by women’s resiliency and strength, and I believe in the value and power of women’s healthy friendships. I hope the stories in this book will provide readers with vivid illustrations of how women enriched their interactions with one another or turned around complicated, even nasty situations. I want women to understand that they too can have healthier, more authentic friendships, that they can mend the tears in the fabric of their relationships and celebrate the joys and wonders of friendship.

�

questions and topics for discussion

Joy Carol has written a book that will be helpful for women of all backgrounds, ages, religions, and cultures. If women have positive friendships with women, they can learn how to enrich them even more. If they have problems in their relationships, they can learn to improve and strengthen them.

As you begin to read each chapter, take a few minutes to reflect on the title of the chapter. You may want to write your reaction to it before you read the chapter. Then after you have read the chapter, reflect again on the title. See if your before and after responses are different.

As you read this book, watch for traits or behaviors that relate to you and the way you interact with women. Are there any that you would like to change? If so, why?

�

chapter 1: the gift of friendshipIf I were to name something special that I would want to give to every woman on earth, it would be the gift of a healthy friendship with another woman. Women who have strong, genuine friendships feel accepted, affirmed, supported, sustained, and loved, even in the most difficult times. Indeed, authentic relationships between women are enjoyable, beneficial, and powerful—almost breathtaking. It doesn’t get much better than that.

From page 15 of The Fabric of Friendship


The stories in The Fabric of Friendship validate the value and power of nourishing friendships. Joy Carol points out that women can enrich their relationships with one another and have healthy, authentic friendships, that this kind of friendship is one of life’s extraordinary gifts. Has that been true for you? What do you think it means to have an authentic friendship? How do you have that?

The findings from the long-term Nurses’ Health Study at the Harvard Medical School confirm that women with strong female friendships lead happier and healthier lives than those who don’t and concludes that if women don’t have friends, their health could be at risk, almost as if they smoked, were overweight, or didn’t exercise. What do you think about the results of that study? Have you seen examples of this?

�

What is your reaction to the idea that women and men tend to live their lives and see the world in very different ways and that women’s friendships have a unique quality that may only exist between women? Do you think there are times when women’s relationships can be complex, challenging, and not entirely trustworthy?

Research studies in different countries reveal that often women do not respect, like, or trust other women, that they undervalue women—including themselves. How do you feel about this? Have you seen this in your country? How can this be changed?

Women have been exploited, demoralized, and viewed as second-class people for so long that often they accept, internalize, and even practice the repressive traditions of their culture and have negative attitudes about their own sex and, consequently, about themselves. What are your reactions to this?

�

chapter 2: our mothers, our first friendsFor most of us, our mother was our first friend. Our mothers gave birth both physically and emotionally to us, their daughters. They provided us with our earliest experiences of love, satisfaction, and security. They also shared with us our first frustrations, disappointments, and hurts.



According to Joy, mothers and daughters face difficult dilemmas because they want to have solid relationships with each other, but they also have to try to balance daughters’ dependency needs as well as their requirements to become independent. Often that balance is never reached, and daughters learn that self-sufficiency and autonomy are not acceptable, that it is best for them to give in to the demands of others. What do you think about that? What have been your experiences?

After you read this statement, share your reactions to it: “Being a daughter and having a mother is one of the most profound experiences of a woman’s life. It can be a wonderful, empowering experience or a frightening, disabling one.” How have you experienced this?

�

How do you respond to the concept that the mother-daughter relationship is something like bungee diving, that there is an invisible emotional cord that snaps a daughter back even when she leaves? Have you ever wondered where your mother leaves off and you begin?

In this chapter, Joy maintains that a wholesome mother-daughter relationship can teach daughters constructive behaviors for their future friendships while unhealthy relationships may impart detrimental behaviors. How have your earliest interactions with your mother had an impact on the kind of relationships you have with women?

Joy writes that we need to disconnect ourselves from damaging and unrealistic impressions we’ve had of our mothers since childhood in order to relate to them in ways that are more constructive. How do we divest our mothers of those images and allow them to become real human beings with weaknesses and strengths?

�

chapter 3: our sisters, our partners in friendshipOur sisters have an enormous and lasting impact on our development and on our being. No matter how close or how distanced we may be, our sisters are permanently connected to us in some inexplicable way. Our sisters are like extensions of ourselves.



There are people who say that sisters are doomed to have problems with each other no matter what. Why do you think that is true or not true? Do you know of sisters (your own or your friends’) who have a truly healthy relationship? Why is that relationship strong? Describe what it looks like.

Sisters often seem to be affected by problems of competition, jealousy, and rivalry–especially related to winning their parents’ love and acceptance. Do you think that is true for you or for other women you know? If so, why?

�0

Although we rarely acknowledge or admit this problem, many women have very high expectations of how sisters might be acceptable or tolerable to them, that they are often disappointed and even angry with their sisters for not meeting up to their standards for them. Have you experienced this in your own relationships or those of your friends?

Joy writes that sisters are individuals with unique gifts, strengths, and weaknesses, who happen to be a part of the same family. She states that sisters may be able to relate better with each other if they know themselves well and feel secure about who they are. What are your thoughts about that? If possible, give examples.

You may know of sisters who are constantly at each others’ throats. They make a point of telling each other what they are doing wrong or how they should do something right. You may also have found that in your relationships with your sister or in some of your friendships. What would be better ways for sisters and friends to relate to each other?

��

chapter 4: rising above envyWe all have feelings of envy at some time or another. We want to have our needs met, to feel satisfied, to feel good. Envy is a normal response when someone has something that we need or want. It is only natural that we will want to have it too. But sometimes this ordinary desire can become a serious dilemma in our relationships.



For centuries, women have been taught to be humble and self-effacing so that people won’t see them as too successful, too strong, too accomplished, or so they won’t be viewed as bragging, arrogant, or threatening–to both men and women. What has been your experience related to this? How do you downplay your accomplishments, talents, and successes?

In this chapter, Joy suggests that envy at its best can be used as a tool, a way of learning what we want to do or become, that it is possible to use envy as a positive means to improve ourselves so we will be more capable of getting what we need or want. Have you found this to be true? How can you use envy as a learning tool for yourself?

��

Joy writes that women spend a lot of time thinking about the people they want to be, their ideal selves. Often they compare that image to the person they think they are, and they end up believing they are not good enough. She suggests that if we understand and value the real people we are, we might find self-satisfaction. What is your response to that? Are there things you can do to respect and value more who you are?

Some women have learned to appreciate their friends for the people they are and for whatever they bring to their lives. Rather than envying their friends’ successes, talents, body shapes, or other resources, they enjoy them just as they do other good things in life. Does that work for you? How can you respect and appreciate other women’s skills and assets without being threatened by them?

According to Joy, if you can celebrate and appreciate who you are, envy won’t be a problem for you. What are ways that you can enjoy and celebrate who you are?

��

chapter 5: competition in friendshipCompetition is a natural consequence of living in the world. Every creature on the planet competes with others in order to survive. As long as competition is not hateful or out of control, it can be a means to inspire or motivate people to improve.



What is your reaction to Joy’s comments that our society revolves around independence and competition, but that women have not been encouraged to be independent or to develop separate identities? Or that women have not been taught how to compete openly and positively? Has that been true for you? Or for other women you know? What can you do about this?

Do you find it difficult to admit that you compete–especially with other women? What are you most afraid of when you compete?

��

According to Joy, many women have bought into the concept that they should compete in the same way as men do. They may try to duplicate some of the aggressive competitiveness they see in men. What do you feel about that? How do you think women should compete?

In this chapter, Joy suggests that competition can be positive, that it does not have to be destructive. She writes that competition can be about learning from someone else’s achievements and then moving ourselves in directions that will fulfill our personal aspirations. Can you think of an area in your life where you can or do compete in a positive way? How might that help you fulfill your own goals and objectives? Or, if you feel you compete in an unhealthy way for you, how can you start to change that?

Do you have an interest in trying out different ways of competing? With a group or by yourself? How can you make that happen?

��

chapter 6: anger in relationshipsThere is no scientific or biological reason why women should be less angry than men. In most cultures, the problems emerge because women are expected not to show such “unacceptable” feelings and are, therefore, forced to suppress them. Consequently, a woman must hide or bury these emotions, likely somewhere inside herself.



Joy writes how ignoring and stuffing down anger inside ourselves can be extremely damaging, that it has the potential to cause an explosion of indirect, destructive actions such as passive-aggressive behavior, backstabbing, false accusations, or malicious activities. Have you ever experienced someone’s indirect anger? How was it expressed? How have you taken out your anger on someone in an indirect, passive way?

A study undertaken by anthropologist Victoria Burbank in 137 societies around the world points out that women were the targets of female anger and aggression in 91% of those societies, while men were targets in only 54% of them. Why do you think women are often the targets of other women’s anger?

��

Teenage girls are known for their cruel behavior toward each other–especially to girls that are outside their clan or group. It seems that girls become more scheming, backbiting, gossipy, vicious, and manipulative with each other than boys do. Why does that happen? What can be done to improve this situation?

According to Joy, when we try to hide our anger and aggression, we become dishonest with ourselves and with others or we try to convince ourselves that we haven’t really been hurtful to someone. She writes that when we harm or devalue other women, we are really diminishing ourselves and our self-worth. What is your reaction to that? Do you have examples where you have seen this happen?

What have been destructive ways that you have expressed your anger or aggression? What are positive ways that you have dealt with your anger? In general, are there healthy ways for women to express their anger?

��

chapter 7: working well with womenIt is not a surprise that women have a tough time discovering an acceptable way to behave on the job that is not viewed as too masculine or too feminine. If a woman works in a traditionally supportive, feminine way in a male-dominated workplace, she may be judged as too soft or too weak. If she acts in a more masculine way, she is criticized by both men and women as being too competitive, aggressive, and intense.



Many women do not like to work for a female boss because they feel that women in power positions are too competitive, demanding, authoritative, controlling, or bossy. Do you agree or disagree? What have been your experiences working with women supervisors?

Do you concur with Penny, the fifty-five-year-old supervisor in New Mexico, who said that women in the workplace tend to be “thin-skinned, touchy, and loaded with a lot of emotional stuff, and they are easily upset or get their feelings hurt”? If so, why is this true? What have you experienced working with women?

��

A large corporation in the Midwest came to the conclusion that people–especially women–who work together in a supportive team are more successful on the job than those who are in competition with each other. Discuss your experiences with team approaches at work versus highly competitive work situations.

According to Joy, many of the problems that occur between women in the workplace are a result of women having unrealistic expectations of one another; many women think that, because they are female, they should be sisters or best friends with each other. What have been your experiences with this? What can be done to make these situations improve?

At the end of this chapter, Joy writes that we are as good as our own self-image, that how we see ourselves in the workplace will have a lot to do with how we perform. She asks the question: “Do you see yourself as powerless?” How do you see yourself?

��

chapter 8: the plus of boundariesWith clearly defined boundaries—not walls—we can protect our “property” and not allow bad things to happen. We can keep out the people, activities, and demands that may be harmful to us. We can invite what we want or need into our lives. Having boundaries allows us to take responsibility for our own lives, protects us, and gives us a sense of freedom.



Many women find it difficult to set and honor boundaries for themselves and for others. They seem to forget that each person is a unique and separate being who should be responsible for her own life. Talk about your reactions to those comments. What has your experience been?

Joy writes that women with weak boundaries have a problem saying “no” to the demands, pressures, needs, and control of others. They fear that by refusing to give in to the requests of other that they will not be liked. What were the times in your life when your boundaries were weakest? Strongest? What helps you have stronger boundaries?

�0

Many women have problems with being people-pleasers. They think that by being nice they will be loved and not be rejected by others. What were you taught about being a people-pleaser when you grew up? In what ways are you a people-pleaser? How were you treated when you were in the role of people-pleaser? How can you change that?

According to Joy, some women become martyrs in order to make or keep friends, but in reality, most people do not appreciate someone who is self-sacrificing because it makes them feel guilty or indebted. What have been your experiences of being around women who are in the role of martyr? How does it make you feel? Have you ever been in the self-sacrificing role? What was the response of people around you?

The workplace setting may be a problem for women who have few or no boundaries. They may be unable to tell people what their limitations are, and they can easily get stuck with other peoples’ responsibilities and end up feeling used or resentful. Describe some of the difficulties of boundaries in the workplace that you have experienced and what you can do about it.

��

chapter 9: men and friendshipsFor centuries, societal norms and customs have caused the female sex to accept, mostly unconsciously, that they are less important and less valuable than men. Many girls and women are unaware and possibly unable to comprehend the effects on their lives of biases and prejudices that have been stacked against them over time.



According to Joy, how women relate and interact with men is often influenced by their earliest relationships with their fathers. Do you think that has been true for you? Discuss your early interactions with your father and the impact they had on your relationships with men. How has that had an impact on your relationships with women?

Some girls are not encouraged to compete in academics or in sports because they aren’t supposed to be seen as a threat to boys or men. Society and some parents have “told” their daughters that they need to look good and to work at pleasing the men in their lives. What is your reaction to this? What has been your own experience?

��

Joy writes, “Eventually most adolescent girls accept the rules of society, give up their earlier idealistic dreams, and enter their new life. By the age of fourteen or fifteen . . . they have learned how to hide some of their feelings.” How did you experience adolescence and the rules of society? What kinds of dreams did you give up? If you have a daughter, how will it be different for her?

Share your reactions to the comment that some men may realize how important and potent women’s friendships can be, that they could be a powerful support system. Therefore, some men may subtly minimize and belittle women’s friendships. Do you think men are sometimes threatened by women? Why?

Do you believe that a woman is not a whole person without a man in her life? Why or why not? How do you allow your relationships with men to affect your female friendships?

��

chapter 10: recognizing needs and feelingsParents, teachers, society, and religious institutions impart messages to young girls about what are “appropriate” ways to express their feelings and their needs, about what is tolerable for them to do and what is not. It doesn’t take long before girls become sensitive to peoples’ reactions, and they realize that it’s not “nice” to communicate feelings that are “bad” or disagreeable. And so they do what they’ve learned is the “right thing”— what will please someone.



Often society and parents encourage girls to go along with things and not make problems because they don’t want their daughters to be seen as loud-mouthed or unpleasant. So girls may try to be pleasing and swallow their real needs and feelings in order to be liked or tolerated. Describe how you were taught not to express your real needs and feelings when you were growing up. As an adult, have you changed your behavior? If so, in what ways?

According to Joy, women’s interactions often suffer because they are not clear or straightforward in their communications and they don’t appropriately clarify or vent their disagreements and misunderstandings. Have you found this to be true in interactions with other women? Are you able to recognize and state your own needs and feelings? Why or why not?

��

Do you think you are taking a risk when you speak to a friend in a critical or disapproving way? What have been your experiences with that? What are appropriate ways to share displeasure or anger with a friend?

Joy writes that we can run into many unnecessary obstacles in our relationships with our women friends if we don’t verbalize what we need. What do you think about that? What are healthy ways to communicate what we need or want?

At the end of this chapter, Joy emphasizes that if we want strong relationships, it’s important to listen actively, not to take things personally, and not to become defensive. Has that been your experience? How do you really make that happen? Do you have other suggestions?

��

chapter 11: surviving through friendshipIn some cases, women might not be alive today if it weren’t for these friendships; they literally helped one another to survive. These stories are more widespread than we can imagine, and they are brimming with compassion and tenderness.



In this chapter, Joy shares some of the inspiring stories of women who have shared whatever they had to help their friends. Have you been the recipient of someone’s compassion and tenderness that has renewed your faith in the power of women’s friendships? Share those with your group.

Joanna’s story focuses on a group of like-minded women who worked together on a college campus to fight some battles that opened the door for future generations of women to have rights and privileges. What are other stories of women working together to gain rights and privileges for future generations?

��

Nell’s compassion and hospitality to her neighbor Bella and her children were truly life-saving when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. Bella and her family might not be alive today if it had not been for Nell’s persistent, caring friendship. Do you know of other stories of women stepping up to the plate to help victims in natural disasters or other traumatic events? Has someone been there for you during tough times? How?

Most of us will never experience the sadness and loss that Johanna felt in a Nazi concentration camp. But we might have been in a very difficult situation and been deeply touched by someone who worked at distracting us from focusing on the disaster and pain we were experiencing. Or we might have been the person who did the distracting. How did that affect your relationship? What roles do we play with our friends, at different times, in different situations?

Joy writes about her incredibly meaningful, lifelong friendship with Ginny, whom she knows she can always count on, who will always be there for her in good and bad times. Who are the friends who are like “Ginny” for you? What have they done? Are you “Ginny” for someone?

��

chapter 12: getting it all togetherHealthy friendships may be one of the best things that can happen to us. Such relationships are joyful, pleasurable, fun, exciting, powerful, almost miraculous. But women’s friendships can be hindered by difficulties that are fairly common and widespread. Fortunately, many women have found workable solutions, giving us confidence that we too can resolve some of the pitfalls we encounter.



There are women who are afraid of female friendships because they believe that they can be dangerous and damaging, that women can be critical, judgmental, and hurtful, that women can abandon and betray them. How do you feel about that statement? What is your own experience related to this?

According to Joy, a major stumbling block to healthy relationships is that women have unrealistic ideas and expectations about their friendships with each other, for example, that friendships are effortless and automatic. What are the expectations that you have for your friendships? Do your friends have the same ones? Do you ever discuss this with each other?

��

Do you agree that meaningful friendships are challenging and complicated? That they are not simple nor without effort? What kind of time and effort are you willing to invest in your friendships? What does that mean for you, your family, and your friends?

In this chapter, Joy raises the point that we may need to clarify what we mean when we use the word “friend.” What does the word “friend” mean to you? Do you think it means the same to your friends?

Many friendships slip away because they are not based on reality. Women may not want to recognize and clearly identify who their friends really are, so they are shocked when their friendships hurt them, slip away, or become destructive. How can you stop making assumptions and be more candid and realistic about your friendships? Have you tried being more realistic about friendship? Has that helped?

Documents

the fabric of friendship - Ave Maria Press · PDF fileeverywhere–in the United States and in many countries around the world–forced ... The stories in The Fabric of Friendship