The Expat is Speaking Elementary Level Vietnamese

most fluently

In a small artsy looking café somewhere near the storied/

fabled/ legendary/ iconic Hoan Kiem Lake in Hanoi, a male

expat is speaking elementary level Vietnamese most

fluently on his mobile phone.

He is doing this quite loudly as he wants to impress the

two rather ravishing, well-heeled young local women who

moments ago strutted in to this cafe as if they owned the

place (and maybe they do). The expat had expected a bit of

eye contact and he probably would have been content with

that. It would have been enough to have encouraged him to

linger over his coffee a little longer, or maybe order another

juice. But as they hadn't even deigned to glance at him he

had felt quite affronted not just on a personal level but as a

representative of a whole tribe of resident expats who have

taken the trouble to learn how to speak elementary

level most fluently.

That's why he had pulled out his phone and called his

mechanic a minute ago. By speaking elementary level

Vietnamese most fluently (he is basically telling his

mechanic his motorbike is broken, asking if he can come to

fix it sometime this afternoon and giving his address), he is

making a point to these uppity women that: 1) He is not a

tourist! 2) He is a long-term resident! 3) As elementary-level

Vietnamese speakers go in this town, he is very possibly

one of the most fluent—certainly top 5! 4) Next time they

see him, they should glance flirtatiously at him, if not go a

little further, perhaps even say (in very clear, easy-to--

understand Vietnamese) "Anh oi, you're most impressive...

who are you, what do you do, et cetera et cetera…" and

well, who knows where things would go from there but let's

not rule out 12 events in the Bedroom Olympics with at

least one of these women.

After he has given his address for the third time to his

mechanic, the expat ends the call. He notes, without

looking, the two women have stopped chatting. No doubt

they have been stunned into this rare period of silence by

his most fluent elementary level Vietnamese. With his task

accomplished, the expat stands up and in that ever-so-

slightly-grumpy-Hanoi-way-that's-completely-acceptable-

in-Hanoi he tells the mousy, 15-year-old waitress with a t-

shirt that says "ALL THIS BUT BRAINS TOO" to calculate

his bill.

He imagines the whole time the women are furtively

checking him out. In his mind, their continuing silence

basically implies they're thinking: Who is the impressively

authoritative foreign man with such a command of our

language and our culture? I WANT ONE! I WANT ONE, TOO!

The waitress very quietly places a piece of paper on the

table and without looking the expat slaps down VND50,000

as if money is no object to people like him. He then steps

outside, quickly mounts his motorbike, and drives onto the

road where he attempts an awkward looking U-turn which

involves trying to avoid a broom sticking out of a street

cleaner's wheelie-bin and a pair of socked feet jutting out of

a parked taxi’s window.

Out of the corner of his eye he can see the waitress waving

at him as he completes his U-turn. She is holding the

VND50,000 note in the air and saying something. No doubt

she's trying to return the leftover change. He raises his

hand and waves her away. He also notes the two women

are looking at him and laughing as he drives away. He

assumes they are all flabbergasted at his most

fluent elementary level Vietnamese not to mention his

flagrant generosity but actually it's because the waitress is

trying to tell him he hasn't left enough money for his ca phe

sua da and an orange juice, the latter of which costs

VND50,000 alone.

Oblivious to his error, the expat man rides away with his

back straight, feeling both quite manly and rather

knowledgeable. After he drives around the corner, he

remembers he needs to call his mechanic to cancel the

pick-up. He pulls up on the pavement and nails this very

short conversation so perfectly that he wishes someone else

overheard it other than a 75-year old green tea and

cigarette vendor who had nothing else to do but listen to

him. Although, he would note at least she was most

impressed by his elementary level Vietnamese which is

most fluent.