The Elevator and the Elephant

8/7/2019 The Elevator and the Elephant

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The Elevator and the Elephant

By

Robert Mai


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INT. A BLAND, FEATURELESS ELEVATOR- NIGHT

It is 3:00 AM, January 1st. The tumultuous celebrations ofNew Years Eve are in full swing in New York, with nary asign of letting up. Howitzer Spleurg, a short, mousy baldmathematician, is making his way back to his hotel after a

rather racuous party involving three bottles of CaptainMorgan and a rather belligerent male stripper, and as hestumbles to the elevator he keeps scratching his bald headas though hunting for buried treasure.

HOWITZER SPLEURGGood evening... or good morning...(hic) good morrow. I... ah...key... I think I forgot my roomnumber...

FRONT DESK CLERKHere you go, Mr. Spleurg. Youre

room number 713.

HOWITZER SPLEURGWhy thank you... oh my god, myhead... I think Im seeingelephants...

FRONT DESK CLERKSir? Theres a roll of toilet paperstuffed in your pants.

HOWITZER SPLEURGI... elephants... whoa...

Howitzer unsuccessfully mashes his finger against the wallfor ten seconds before discovering the up button. The doorsslide open with an obnoxious ring, and Howitzer isconfronted with the startling sight of an enormously obeseman stuffed into a ballerina tutu.

HOWITZER SPLURGUrgh... are you real?

Williford heaves a giant sigh. His enormous belly spills outof his pink tank top.

WILLIFORD CALDRYIts the ballerina tutu, isnt it?

HOWITZER SPLURGMaybe...

(CONTINUED)


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CONTINUED: 2.

WILLIFORD CALDRYGoing up?

HOWITZER SPLEURGI... ah... yes. 7th floor.

Howitzer stumbles inside the elevator and in his drunkendaze runs his hand down several buttons. The doors slideshut and an awkward silence ensues.

WILLIFORD CALDRYThe names Williford Calrdy. One ofthe most sober of men on thismiserable evening, and one of thefattest, no doubt.

HOWITZER SPLEURGI... hmm...

Howitzer holds his throbbing head and unsuccessfully triesto shut himself off from conversation, but Williford plodson.

WILLIFORD CALDRYYoure probably wondering why Imwearing this tutu, arent you? Along story indeed.

HOWITZER SPLEURGYes... fascinating...

WILLIFORD CALDRY

Ive been thinking, you know? Withthe New Years coming along andeverything. You know all that talkabout New Years Resolution? Well,its bullshit.

The elevator stops at floor 2, but with Howitzer on floor 7and Williford not on any floor, the door closes again.

HOWITZER SPLEURGLook, I dont think--

WILLIFORD CALDRYYear after year, I keep tellingmyself to lose weight... shave myunibrow... stop going out in publicwearing womans clothing... andevery year I fail. You know why Ifail? Huh? Its because Im ashitless chicken. Im WEAK. Justlike YOURE weak, and everyone ELSE

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


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CONTINUED: 3.

WILLIFORD CALDRY (contd)is weak, and when Jesus comes tocleanse the earth of the weak andthe sinful, hell leave usevolutionary failures to drown likelimbless infants. Thats why we

blow bubbles into our asses everyNew Years. Makes us forget aboutour weakness.

All of a sudden, Williford bursts into tears. The elevatorstops at floor 3, but Howitzer is too bewildered to doanything but stare awkwardly.

HOWITZER SPLEURGUh... are you sober?

WILLIFORD CALDRYIm such a fat little fuck! Im

wearing a tutu in public, and Ihavent even washed it for threeyears!

HOWITZER SPLEURGI... please stop crying. Youregiving me a headache.

WILLIFORD CALDRYI remember my dad propping me up onhis knee when I was eight. You knowwhat he said to me? "Williford," hesaid. "Williford, my boy, youre

fat and ugly, and youre no greatshakes at math. Remember,Williford, we Caldrys always loseat life. Always, always." Howsthat for a positive outlook onlife?

HOWITZER SPLEURGThats fascinating and all, but whydo I care?

WILLIFORD CALDRYBECAUSE YOU JUST LOST AT LIFE TOO,MISTER!!!

The sudden change in Willifords demeanor is startling. Hisbeady eyes are vibrating with frightning intensity, and furyis etched into the flab on his face. Howitzer, realizing thegravity of the danger hes in, slowly backs up against thewall.

(CONTINUED)


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CONTINUED: 4.

HOWITZER SPLEURGL-l-look, dont hurt me, please.Im j-just an accountant. Aninsignificant little-

WILLIFORD CALDRY

THATS RIGHT!!! YOUREINSIGNIFICANT!!! AN INSIGNIFICANTLITTLE BUG, THATS WHAT YOU ARE!!!WHY THE FUCK DO WE CELEBRATE NEWYEARS?!? THE EARTHS JUST A TINYBALL OF DIRT, SPINNING AROUND ABALL OF HOT, MEANINGLESS GAS!!! Andwhat are we? ANTS! AAAAANTS!!! WEARE CONSTANTLY SQUELCHED BY FATE,DO YOU UNDERSTAND? SQUELCHED!!!

HOWITZER SPLEURGYes, yes, yes, I understand, I

understand! Oh god, dont hurt me!PLEASE!

The elevator stops on floor 5, and Howitzer lurches out, butin vain. Williford wraps his stubby fingers aroundHowtizers neck and pins him to the wall.

WILLIFORD CALDRYYOU DONT EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND,BUDDY!!! YOU HAVE TO SEE THETRUTH!!! NEW YEARS EVE IS JUST ADELUSION!!! A FIGMENT OF YOURIMAGINATION! Humankind invents this

fucking holiday to celebrate theirown inflated delusions ofsuperiority! BUT ITS USELESS!WERE ALL INSIGNIFICANT DRONES!!!

HOWITZER SPLEURGPl... please! I cant breath!

WILLIFORD CALDRYSO WHAT?!? I WAS SUFFOCATING UNDERTHE STENCH OF MANKIND EVER SINCE IWAS BORN!!!

Willifords face twists into a leer, and he laughsmaniacally.

WILLIFORD CALDRYLETS DANCE!!!

(CONTINUED)


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CONTINUED: 5.

Williford, still grasping the neck of the blue-facedHowitzer, twirls around in a rather macabre waltz. Evenafter Howitzer stops struggling, Williford continues todance. Only after the elevator stops on the 7th floor doeshe realize Howitzer is dead.

WILLIFORD CALDRYDamn. I got carried away again.Sorry about that, buddy. Looks likethis is your floor.

Williford locates Howitzers key in his pocket and drags thelimp, lifeless body to room 713.

WILLIFORD CALDRYI, uh, look, just sleep it offtonight. Trust me, youll feel alot better in the morning. If youever want any of your kitchen

appliances fixed or anything, stopby my store. Heres my card.

Williford stuffs a card into Howitzers front pocket, andwalks back into the elevator.

THE END

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The Elevator and the Elephant