TheElephantintheOffice

Super-SimpleStrategiesforDifficultConversationsatWork

ByDianeA.Ross

ToMom,foryourlove,yourencouragement,andforshowingmethewaywithyourentrepreneurialspirit.YouandDadalwaysbelievedinmeandforthisIam

forevergrateful.

TableofContents

ANoteFromtheAuthorIntroductionChapter1:WeReallyDoNeedtoTalk...Chapter2:AvoidatYourPeril

Step1:PreparetoTalkChapter3:NailtheRealIssueChapter4:HammerOutYourGoalChapter5:ResisttheTemptation

Step2:DesignandDeliverYour“ABCMessage”Chapter6:DesigningYourABCMessageChapter7:DeliveringYourABCMessage

Step3:StopTalkingandStartListeningChapter8:It’saTalk,notaLectureChapter9:DealingWithDefensesChapter10:ManagingFreak-OutsChapter11:ToolstoStayCoolChapter12:TellMeMore

Step4:RespondPowerfullyChapter13:Respond,Don’tReactChapter14:TheUltimatePowerTool

YourElephantintheOffice“CheatSheet”AcknowledgmentsRecommendedReadingSpecialBonusOfferCopyrightNoticeEndnotes

ANoteFromtheAuthor

Theusebyyouofthisbook(the“Book”)issubjecttocertainunderstandingsandthetermsandconditionssetforthbelow.ByusingtheBook,youacknowledgethatyouhavereadandacceptsuchunderstandingsandsuchtermsandconditions.

DianeA.RossandElephantConversationsLtd.(the"Authors")havepreparedthecontentsoftheBookforinformationalpurposesonly,whichisnotintendedtoconstituteadvertising,inviteanattorney-clientrelationshiporserveasasourceforlegaladvice.SincenolegaladviceisprovidedthroughtheBook,youshouldnotrelyuponanyinformationcontainedhereinforanypurposewithoutseekinglegaladvicefromadulylicensedlawyercompetenttopracticelawinyourjurisdiction.

TheAuthorsmakenowarrantiesorrepresentationsofanykindwhatsoeverconcerninganyinformationmadeavailableonorthroughtheBook.ThecontentoftheBookisprovidedonlyasgeneralinformation.TheAuthorsdisclaimallliabilitywithrespecttoactionstakenornottakenbaseduponsuchinformationorwithrespecttoanyerrorsoromissionsinsuchinformation.Morespecifically,TheAuthorsshallnotbeliableforanydirect,indirect,consequential,special,exemplaryorotherdamagesofanykindwhatsoeverandhowsoevercaused.

ThestoriessharedinthisBookcomefromtheAuthor'sownlifeaswellastheaccountsofothersthathavebeensharedwiththeAuthors.Certainstoriesarefictionalandforillustrativepurposesonly.Inordertoprotectconfidentiality,mostofthestoriesandaccountshavemodifiedandthenamesofthoseinvolvedoraffectedhavebeenchanged.

Introduction

Let’sgetonethingstraightnow:thisbookisn’taboutbecominga“communicationsexpert.”ItisnotaboutnegotiatingworldpeaceorbecominganinspirationalcommunicatorthelikesofGandhiorMandela(althoughthatwouldbeadmirableandifyoudo,feelfreetogivemethecredit!).Itisnotaboutbeingperfect,tactfulorevennice.

Thisbookisaboutlearningtheessentialsofhavingsuccessinthoseworkplaceconversationsyoudread:fromhavingtotellsomeonetheirbodyodorisoverpoweringtotalkingtosomeoneabouttheirdisrespectfulbehavior.Itisaboutlearningsomefundamentaltoolsthatwillallowyoutomanagetoughconversationswhenyouareinthe“hotseat”andthingsarestartingtogosouth.Itisaboutgivingyoutheconfidencetohandlewhateveristhrownyourway.

Wehaveallhadthoseconversationsthatultimatelygiveussucharesoundingandunexpectedslapinthefacethattheysetourheadsspinning...youknow,those“Icannotbelieveyoujustsaidthattome!”or“Whatflippin’planetareyouonanyway?”conversationsthatendedsobadlyyoueitherfledandlickedyourwoundsorfoughtsohardyour“angryvein”pulsated

menacinglythroughyourforehead.Let’snotevenmentionthoseconversationswheretheonlyconsolationwasajumbo-sizedbottleofwine(anykindwilldo!).Nowthereisnoendinsightforthecoldwarthathasresulted.

Wheneveryouhaveoneofthosenightmareconversations,youmayfindyourselfleftsaying,“Ishouldhaveknownbetter,”or“NeverwillIgothereagain.”Well,Iamheretotellyouthatitisactuallyprettydarnimportantto“gothere,”becauseifyoudon’tstepuptotheplateandtackletheseconversations,thingssimplycannotevergetbetter.Unfortunately,youaredreamingifyousecretlyhopeyourstinkyemployeewillgettrappedinaperfumefactory,yourdifficultbosswillmovetoAustraliaoryoursnottycoworkerwillbehitbyabus.Itiskindoflikehavingafinancialplanbasedonwinningthelottery-nicetothinkaboutbutoverallkinda,well,stupid.

Ithasbeenmyexperiencethatthemostdifficultpeopleinourlivesneverleave;wehavetoeitherdealwiththemeventuallyorcontinueoninstonysilenceandabjectmiseryuntilwedevelopulcersandless-than-sunnydispositions.Ifwedon’thavethesetoughconversations,inevitablyproductivitysuffers,moraleplummets,relationshipssourandcomplainingbecomesaregularpastime,furtherentrenchingpeopleintheugly,unhappyproblemstheyjustdon’tknowhowtosolve.

Inmyworkshops,IfrequentlyuselightheartedexamplessuchashowtotellsomeonethattheyhaveB.O.orbadbreath.Moreoftenthannot,somebodypullsmeasideattheendofthedayandasksmeifIhadsecretlybeenaskedtocoverthattopicspecificallybecauseeveryoneknowsthatJoeorCindyorwhoeveritmightbethatdayhas“thatveryproblem.”Everybodyknows,ofcourse,exceptthepersoninquestion.Nowthatwouldbehumiliating!Ithinkmostofuswouldjustwantthe“straightgoods,”evenifitisembarrassing.

“Myfriends,untilyoutry,youdon’tknowwhatyoucan’tdo.”

-HenryJames

IwishIcouldsaythatthereisasecretformulatopreventtheotherpersonfrombeingupset,embarrassedordisappointedwhenweengageinthesetypesofconversations;however,Ihavenotdiscoveredthatmagicformulayet(butifyoudo,callmebecauseweneedtotalkbooksequel!).WhatIhavelearnedisthattherearesomesimpletoolswecanusetogetreadyfortheseconversations.Howweprepare,craftanddeliverourmessagesandhowwemanagereactionscan

makethesechallengingconversationsgoawholelotmoresmoothly.IhavealsolearnedthatthemoreyoupracticeusingthecommunicationtoolsIamgoingtosharewithyou,theeasieritbecomes.Theseconversationsmayevenstarttofeelnatural.

WhathasbeenmeaningfulandevenlifechangingformeandformanyofthosethatIworkwitharethesimplifiedtoolsIuseforhavingsuccessfulconversations.ThisbookismyspinonwhatIhavelearnedandwhathasworkedforme.WhenIstartedmyjourney,Ifoundthematerialandresearchondifficultconversationsdauntingtosaytheleast.Istartedtoaskmyself,“AmIevergoingtobeabletorememberallofthisstuff?CanIreallydothis?IsitpossibleIamthewrongpersonalitytypeorthatIrequiresomekindofintensivepsychotherapyifIwanttocommunicateeffectively?”Ofcourse,you’vealreadyfiguredthatthesewerejustexcuses.Ididthinkaboutgivingup,butIdidn’tbecauseasItestedoutsomeofthetoolsandstrategies,Idiscoveredtheyactuallywork.Thatprogressgavemethemotivationtokeeppluggingawayatit.

Inthisbook,IwillsharewithyouwhatIhavelearned.Ihavesimplifiedthetoolsandhighlightedsomeoftheessentialssothatyoudon’tneedtobearocketscientisttohaveatoughconversationandbesuccessfulatit.Improvingyourcommunicationskillsisdoableand,ifyouhanginthere,youwillseeresults.Idon’twantthistobelikesomefaddietthatsoundsgreatintheorybutwhenyoutrytosticktoityoufeellikeyou’resuddenlystarringinMissionImpossible(sortoflikethedietagirlfriendofmineattemptedinhighschool:Shewassupposedtoeatonlygrapefruitforsixweeks.Notsurprisingly,afterafewdaysI’mprettysureshewasreadytopassout.Shehadtoquit.ButIdigress...).

Theprescriptioninthisbookisnotafaddiet.Thinkofitasalifestylechangeinwhichyoulearntohavetheconfidencetosaywhatyoureallywanttosayandactuallygettheresultsyouwant.Itisaboutmakingsmallmodificationsandchangesandseeingbigdifferencesovertime.

Soundeasy?Itactuallycanbe.

MyStory

So,wherediditallbegin?Howdidalitigationlawyerlikemebecomeinterestedinrealandrespectfulcommunication?

Whileatlawschool,Ireceiveddistinctionsfortheoralpresentationofmy

moots(mocktrials)inbothmysecondandthirdyear.ThepartnersintheestablishedlawfirmwhereIstartedmycareerwereclearlyimpressed.IknewIwasdestinedforasuccessfullitigationcareerwhenmyfirstSupremeCourttrialinvolveddefendingadogthathadallegedlybittenanelderly,sickwoman.Iamhappytoreport(Ithink)thatIwasabletoconvincethejudgeofthedog’sinnocence.

For14yearsIwasontop,impressingcolleagues,bossesandclientsalike.Iwasaserious,accomplishedmulti-tasker.Ipracticedlaw,hadafamilyandstartedandmanagedtwosuccessfulbusinesses.NowonderfriendsandfamilysayIdo“chaos”well.Now,thereweremanythingsIlovedaboutthepracticeoflaw,includingthechallengeofarousingcourtroombattle,butthemoundsofpaperworkandthetediumofpreparation,nottomentiontheadversarialenvironment,weretakingtheirtollonme.Ibegantoquestionmyselfandmychoices,whatIcoulddo,whereIcouldgofromhere.Itquicklybecameobvious:asalawyer,wasInotanexpertinconflictresolution?Surely,Icouldtakemylegalskillsintothefieldofdifficultconversationsandconflictmanagement.Itseemedtomakeperfectsense.

Ibegantodevourarmloadsofinformation.IknewIwasontherightpath!IwasrightaboutwhatIwasdoing,rightaboutwhatIwaslearning,rightabouteverythinginfact...orsoIthought.TheskillsIhadlearnedthatweresocriticaltomysuccessinthecourtroom,i.e.constantlypersuadingothersthatIwasalwaysright,Isoonrealizeddonotworkwellinotheraspectsoflife.Idiscoveredthat“beingright”doesnotworkatthenegotiatingtable,isdestructivetorelationshipsattheofficeandisabsolutelydevastatingtopersonalrelationships.Fortunatelyforme,therewasafaintglimmerofenlightenmentattheendofthislong,dark“Iamalwaysright”tunnel.

Right?Wrong.

Akeymomentformeinthis“Imaynotalwaysberight”journeywasatapartyIwasinvitedtomanyyearsago.ItturnedoutthatIdidnotknowverymanyoftheguests,butIhadtheprivilegeofsittingbesideaveryinterestingandsuccessfulbusinessman.Unbeknownsttome,Iwasabouttolearnaveryvaluable-ifhumbling-lesson.HewasaskingmeaboutthekindofworkIdidand(Iadmitit!)atthattimeIwasprettydarnfullofmyself.Imean,Ihadaccomplishedalotandmostofitina“man’sworld.”IwasregalinghimwithtalesofapresentationIhadjustdoneentitled“IAmRight,YouAreWrong,or

IsThereAnotherPerspective?”Itwasasessionaboutbeingaccountableinworkplaceconversations.Ofcourse,Ididnotthinkitappliedtome,atleastnotatthatstage.Inretrospect,Imusthavebeenunbearable,althoughheneverleton.Hewasfascinated,oratleastIbelievedhewas.Hetoldmeabouthisformerpartner,awomanwhoalsohappenedtobearathersuccessfullawyer.Theyhadbeentogetherforseveralyearsand,accordingtoher,hehadneverbeenright,notonce,inallthetimetheyhaddisagreed.Hepointedouttomethatstatisticallyspeakingitisimpossibleforonepersontoberight100%ofthetime.(Hello,Diane–isalightbulbgoingonyet?)

IrealizedinthatmomentthatthiswastheapproachthatIhadbeentakingwhenIgotintoanykindofdisagreement.IassumedthatIwasright.Mybeliefswereright,myassumptionswereright,myjudgmentswereright.Iwasjustplainright.TheproblemwhenItookthisapproachwasthattheotherpersonwentonthedefensiveandtheconversationinevitablywentsideways.Thisman’sobservationabouttheimprobabilityofalwaysbeingrightcausedmetobegintoquestionmyself-justalittle.WasmyapparentobsessionwithbeingrightacontributingfactortotheconstantconflictIwasexperiencinginmyrelationships?Nowthatwasfoodforthought.Ilearnedthatmaybe,justmaybe,turningeverydisagreementintoacourtroombattlewasnottheanswer.

WhatIsan“I”StatementAnyway?

Anothercritical“AhHA!”momentonmyjourneyhappenedwhenIattendedtheExecutiveCoachingProgramatRoyalRoadsUniversity.Ithoughtitwouldbeaninterestingwayto“unstick”myselfandfigureoutexactlywhatiswasIwantedtodointhefieldofconflictresolution.Duringthefirstfewdaysoftheprogram,Iactuallyhadthearrogancetothinkthattheydidn’treallyhavemuchtoteachme.IthoughtIwasmoreeducated,moresophisticatedandobviouslymoreskilledthanmyclassmates.IwasactuallyquiteshamelesswhenIthinkback(ifyoucouldseemyfacerightnow,youwouldseemeblushing).Iwassufferingfromaseriouslackofhumilityandinsight.LittledidIknow,everythingwasallabouttochange…

Onthethirddayoftheprogram,oneoftheinstructorssuggestedweuse“I”statementsinourconversationsandwhencoachingothers.Iputmyhandupandasked,“Whatisan‘I’statement?”Everyoneintheroomwentsilentandmanyeyesturnedtogivemeincredulouslooks.Someeyeswerecasttothefloor.Ifeltthatdaythatmostofmycolleaguesinthatclasswouldhaveburst

outlaughingiftheywouldhavehadthenerve.Iwasabitperplexedand,inthatmoment,IrealizedIactuallyhadsomeseriousworktodo.Forthoseofyouwhodonotknowwhatan“I”statementis(anddon’tworry,Iwon’tlaugh!),hereisyourfirsthint:itistheoppositeofa“you”statement,whichoftencarrieswithiteitheradirectorindirectlayingofblame.Whenweuse“I”statementsresponsibly,wetakeownershipforwhatwearesaying,ratherthanblamingsomeoneelse.

Thesemaysoundlike“I”statementsbutsadly,theydon’tqualify:

-Ithinkyouareajerk.

-Ithinkyouarewrong.

-Ithinkyouareunreasonable.

Aproper‘I”statementmaysoundmorelikethis:

-Ifelthumiliatedwhen…

-Iamconcernedabout…

-Ibelievethatwhen…

(Don’tworrytoomuchaboutthesefornow;we’lltalkabout“I”statementsinmoredetailalittlelater.)

ThenAlongCameMyBull-Riding,Straight-Talking,UnsuspectingHero

Mymostprofoundeye-openingmomentonmyjourneywasanencounterwithawisemannamedScottiewhomImetduringmycoachingprogram.Hechangedmylifeforeverandisnowbothagreatfriendandcoach.IhavetotellyouthatScottiewasnotmyusualkindofhero.HehasaPh.D.inagriculture,wasabouncerinhisformerlifeandrodebullsforfunasayoungman-definitelynotmytypeatall.Really,howcouldthismanhaveanythingincommonwithaknow-it-alllikeme?Oh,IforgottomentionthathewasalsoanexpertinEQ(EmotionalIntelligence)which,atthattimeinmylife,seemedtobenotmuchmorethanabunchofirritatingpsychobabble.

SowhatmadeScottiesospecial?Well,you’veprobablyfiguredoutbynowthatthosearoundmefoundmysomewhatarrogantattitudeandbehaviorratherintolerable.Thefunnything,though,wasthatwhenScottietalkedtome,hesaidthethingsthatotherslackedthecouragetosay.Hewasabletogiveme

feedbackaboutmy(let’sbetruthfulhere)badbehaviorinawaythatwashonestanddirect.Atthetime,Iwasusingoneofoursocialgatheringsasanopportunitytogetsomelaughsatsomebodyelse’sexpense(ugh,Iknow,notgood!).ScottiepulledmeasideandtoldmehewasuncomfortablewiththecommentsIhadmadeandwonderedifothersmayhavefeltthesame.HeaskedmeifIrealizedhowIwascomingacrosswhenIbehavedthiswayandifthatwasthekindofpersonIwantedtobe.HetoldmethathethoughtIdeservedtoknowhowheperceivedmycommentsandmybehavior.

Ouch!Initially,Iwastakenaback.Imean,whatdidIevencarewhatScottiethought?Well,asamatteroffact,Icaredanawfullot;Iwasembarrassedandupsetwithmyself.Eventually,though,IthoughtaboutwhathehadsaidandIcouldfeelmyselfbecominggrateful.Hiswordswerereallyhardtohearandmorethandifficulttodigest,yetIlefttheconversationfeelingrespectedandcaredfor.Howcouldhehavebeensobrutallyhonestwithoutcomingacrossas“I’mrightandyou’rewrong?”Heleftmewonderinghowonearthhegotmetoquestionmybehaviorandperspectivewithoutshovinghisopiniondownmythroat(asIwasadmittedlypronetodoingmyself).

HowDidHeDoIt?

IsoondiscoveredthatIwasnottheonlyonewhofeltthiswayaboutScottie.Bytheendofthecourse,IbelievethatjustabouteverypersonIknewintheclasshadaskedhimforcoaching.WhatdidScottieteachus?First,hetaughtusthatitwaspossibletohavetoughconversationsinawaythatisdirect(mypreferredstyle),honest(Ihadthisdownmostofthetime)andrespectful(thisIwaslacking).Hedidnotuse“hot”orjudgmentallanguage.Hedidnotmakeassumptions;hesimplysharedwhatheobservedandheownedhisexperience.Hedidnotinanywaypresenthisversionasbeingtheonlywayorthe“right”wayofviewingthesituation.

Sowhatwasmyproblem?WhywasIflounderinginalmosteverydifficultconversation?WasitbecausetheunderlyingthemeinmycommunicationswasthatIabsolutelyhadtoberight?IfIaskmyselfnowwhatbeingrightevergotme,Icanhonestlysaythatgrief,heartacheandunresolvedconflictswereconstantcompanionsfortheentiretimeIemployedthe“blame-and-complain”methodofcommunication.

Alloftheseexperiencesshowedmethattherewasanotherpath.IcouldchoosetobedifferentinhowIcameacrossandhowImanagedmytoughest

conversations.IwantedtodowhatScottiedidsonaturallyandstopwiththe“beingright”thing.Iknewitwasgoingtobeachallenge,butIwassureIwasupforit.Likeyou,Ihadsomeveryimportantrelationshipsatstake.

BacktotheBooks

Ihitthebooksagain(hey,it’salawyerthing)andwentintohyperresearchmode.IattendedcountlesscoursesandreadeverybookIcouldgetmyhandsonrelatingtothetopicof“difficultconversations.”IwenttoHarvardLawSchool’sprogramonnegotiationforlawyerstotakecoursesinmediationandmanaging

difficultconversations(anamazingexperiencethatIhighlyrecommend).[i]

“Ifyoulearnfromdefeat,youhaven’treallylost.”

-ZigZiglar[ii]

YearslaterIamstilllearningand,yes,Istillmessup.Ithasn’tbeeneasy;infactithasbeenarealstrugglebecauseIhavebeenconstantlybattlingmyinstincttoberight,tobeincontrolandtowin.However,whatIdoknowisthatifIcanlearnthisstuff,anyonecan.Ifyouaskedme,“Isitworthit?”Iwouldreplywitharesounding,“YES!”Ithasmadeahugeimpactonsomeofthemostimportantrelationshipsinmylife:withmyhubby,mysister,mymother,mychildren,myclosestfriendsandmyworkcolleagues.Ithasallowedmetosay“no”tothoseIneverbelievedIcouldsay“no”to.Mostimportantly,improvingmyabilitytohavedifficultconversationshassavedmeatonoftimeandmentalenergythatIusedtospendeither(a)agonizingoverwhethertobringsomethingup,(b)replayingandrelivingworst-casescenariosor(c)cleaninguptheaftermathofhorribleconversationsthatfailedbecauseI’dsunktoname-calling,judgingand/orbeingdefensive.

WritingYourOwnSuccessStory

IwanttosharewithyouthetoolsIhavelearnedalongthewaysimplybecauseIampassionateaboutthissubjectandwouldliketofast-trackotherstowardstheirgoalofsuccessfullytacklingdifficultconversationsintheworkplace.Overtheyears,Ihaverealizedthatmanyofusdonotknowhowtohavesuccessfulconversationsbecausewedonothavethenecessarynavigationaltoolsforwhen

thingsinevitablybecomechallenging.Weendupstruggling,boggeddownwithassumptionsandmisconceptionsaboutthosewearetryingtospeakwith.Businesspartnershipsdissolve,conflictswiththebossaboundandworkingrelationshipsdeterioratetothedetrimentofthecompany.Whatisgoingonhere?IfIhaveeverbeentruly“right”aboutanything,itisthatweallneedtolearnsometoolstohavethosetoughconversationssothatwecangetwhatwewantwithouttheextrastrifeandstress.

Helpisontheway!Thereisawaytoresolvethoselonelylatenightconversationswehave(withourselves)justbeforewedropoffintoatroubledsleep.Itismyhopethatbylearningsomeofthetools,skillsandstrategiesthatfollow,youwillhavethecouragetoengageinyourmostdreadedconversationsandstopputtingthemoff-becausenothingcanchangeuntilyoudo.

Rememberthemagicofstorytimeasachild?IamgoingtousestoriestohelpillustratewhatIhavelearnedinthehopesthatitwillengageandentertainyou,aswellasteachyou.Thestoriesaremine,inspiredfromrealstoriesorderivedfromotherswithamplemodificationsandnamechangestoprotectthe“innocent”(youknowwhoyouare!).Iwantyoutohavefunasyouexplorethisbook.

StudyandimplementingtheverytoolsthatIamgoingtosharewithyouhasgivenmeconfidenceandapurposeandpassioninmywork.Ihave,withoutashadowofadoubt,improvedrelationshipsnotjustatwork,butinallaspectsofmylife.Whatmorecouldareformed“alwaysright”lawyeraskfor?Myhopeforyouisthat,asyourconversationskillsincrease,youwillgaininspirationandconfidence,asIhave.Iwantyoutolookforwardtoatimeinwhichyouwillbeabletosaywhatyouneedtosayintheworkplaceandmanagethoseconversationsthataremostimportanttoyou,withthegoalofimprovingyourworkrelationships,loweringyourstressandgettingwhatyouwantoutofyourcareer.Itisn’tfaroffnow!

Let’sgetstarted.

Chapter1:WeReallyDoNeedtoTalk...

Successinoureverydayconversationsisnotusuallythatdifficultunlessitisoneof“thoseconversations”wedreadoronethatstartsoffwellandthenslidessideways-quickly!YouknowwhatI’mtalkingabout:suddenlyyouhaveadifficultconversationonyourhandsandyouarenotquitesurewhyorhowithappened.

Whatonepersonfindshardtotalkaboutorhandle,anothermaynot.Basedonmyexperience,asuresignyouneedtostepuptoatoughtalkintheworkplaceisifyouaresufferingfromanyorallofthefollowingsymptoms:

-Losingsleepatnight

-Stressingaboutitduringtheday

-Complaining(behonest!)toanyonewhowilllistenaboutthepersonand/orproblem

Theseareconversationsthat,whenyouonlythinkaboutthem,youagonizeandmakeyourselfsickbecauseyouknowyouneedtosaysomethingtosomebodybutyoujustdon’tknowhowtosayit.Maybeit’salooming

conversationwithyourboss,yourclient,yourmeddlingcoworker,yoursecretary...Thelistisendless,seriously.

“Iamanoldmanandhaveknownagreatmanytroubles,butmostofthemneverhappened.”

-MarkTwain

Becausethisbookfocusesonworkplaceconversations,let’slookatthekindsofconversationswestrugglewithonthejob(although,asanaside,don’tbesurprisedifyoufindthatthetechniquesinthisbookapplytoconversationsoutsidetheworkplace,aswell).Wearegoingtocoverthefollowingtypesofconversationsindetailthroughoutthebook:

DeliveringSensitiveNews:SmellyShelly

ImagineyouaretaskedwiththejoboftellingShellythatshehasverybadB.O.Now,youlikethiswomanandarewonderingfirstlywhyithastobeyouwhobreaksthebadnewsandsecondlyhowshecouldbesocompletelyunawareoftheawful“vaportrail”sheleavesbehindherwherevershegoes.Noonehasdoneanythingyet,sonowtheairissothickwithvariousairfreshenersthattheeveningjanitorialstaffiswearingmasksandthenewI.T.guy’sallergiesarecompletelyoutofcontrol.

Youaretheofficemanagerandyoureallyhavenochoice:itisyourjobtotellher.Youhaveputtheconversationofffordaysprayingthatsomehowtheproblemwillresolveitself.Youandyourbosshaveevenhadin-depthconversationsaboutitbehindcloseddoors.HowcoulditbethatshehassuchterribleB.O.?Sheseemstobeveryclean;coulditpossiblybehersoap(you’doverheardsomeonesayingsheusesoneofthose“natural,organicalternatives”)?Doessheeattoomuchspicyfood?Whatifyoujustleftasmall,anonymousgiftofbreathfresheneranddeodorantonherdesk?

Soundfamiliar?Howmanyofthesekindsofdiscussionshaveweallhad?IcertainlyhavehadmorethanIcaretoremember.Thepointisthatnoneofthesediscussionsareactuallyhelpful;theywasteourprecioustimeandenergywithoutsolvinganything.AllofyourguessesaboutwhyShellysmellshavegottenyounowhereandnowyoureallydohavetodosomethingbecauseyourboss’minty-freshbreathisbreathingdownyourneck.HedoesnotwanttoworkwithShellyanylongerandclientsarecurlinguptheirnoseswhensheentersthe

room.

WhatcouldyoupossiblysaytoShelly?

“Shelly,Ineedtotalktoyouaboutsomethingthatisawkward.Lately,Ihavenoticedyouhavehadstrongbodyodor.IamnotsureifyouareawareofitbutIknowifitweremeIwouldwantsomebodytotellme.”Now,STOPTALKING.(Resisttheurgetobabble;itwillonlymakethingsmoreuncomfortable.)

DeliveringBadorSadNews:FabGuy

EveryonelovesFabGuy.Heissofunnyandniceandisalwaysreadytohelpout.Infact,hewasalwaystherewheneveryouneededhim,whichiswhyyouhadhappilypromotedhimfromgraphicdesignertomanagerofthedivision.Unfortunately,FabGuysomehowjustisn’tgettingthejobdone,despitethefactthathisemployeesadorehimandheiswillingandcooperative.Hehasbeengivinghisstafflongextensionsandflexibledeadlines(hmm,nowondertheylikehimsomuch),whichareaffectingclientsatisfactionaswellasthebottomline.Youaredealingwiththebruntofthefalloutwithclientsandtherestoftheexecutiveteam,anditisstartingtowearyoudown.FabGuy-blesshisheart-acknowledgeshisroleandhisneedtobe“tougher”withhisstaff.YouhaveworkedtirelesslywithFabGuytocoachhimabouthismanagementstyle,butnotmuchhaschanged.

FabGuyisoptimisticthingswillimproveshortlyandtellsyouthathejustneedsabitmoretime(butdidn’thesaythatthreemonthsago?).Youarenotsoconvincedthattimeiswhatisneeded.WhatiskeepingyouupatnightisyourbeliefthatFabGuyisgoingtobedevastatedbythenews;Imean,he’sjustsonice.Butifyouthinkheisgoingtobeupsetnow,fastforwardoneyearandimaginehowthisunfortunateconversationwillgodownthenbecausethat,myfriend,iswhereyouareheaded.ItistimetoforgetthepastwhenyoutoldyourselfthatyoucouldturnFabGuyintosomethingheisnot(ugh,youshouldhavelistenedtoyourboss).Youneedtotellhimnow-nottomorrowornextweek-thatheisnottherightfitforthemanagementposition;puttingitoffisnotgoingtomakeitanyeasier.Infact,itwillonlyservetogiveyouulcerslongerandmakehimmoreconvincedhehaswhatittakes,whichwillinevitablymaketheconversationharder.Thereisnowaytotiethisnewsupwithaprettybow;it’stimetofacethemusicandgetthisconversationoverwith.

WhatcouldyoupossiblysaytoFabGuy?

“FabGuy,weneedtotalk.Idon’tthinkyouaretherightfitfortheroleofmanager.ThewayIseeityouhavehadtroublemakingtoughdecisionsandholdingstafftodeadlines.Clientprojectshavebeendelayedandthosedelayshavehadanimpactonourreputation,nottomentionthefalloutwiththeexecutiveteam.Youareafabulousdesignerandincrediblywelllikedby

everyoneinthisorganization,whichhasmadethisaneventougherdecision:Icannolongerhaveyouinthemanagementrole.However,everyonebenefitsfromyourcreativityandifyouareinterestedingoingbacktothepositionofgraphicdesigner,itisyours.Iknowthisisadifficultdecision,sopleasetakesometimetothinkaboutit.”Now,STOPTALKING.(Letyourmessagesinkin.)

DealingWithRudeorDisrespectfulBehavior:TheBigCheese

Youaretheofficemanagerinasmalloperation.Yourboss,“TheBigCheese,”hasgaineda(notunfounded)reputationforbeingprettydarndifficulttoworkfor.Heisarrogant,condescendingandlovestoblameotherswhenthingsgowrong-andthingsgowrongallright!Youaretiredofhisdisrespectfulbehaviortowardsyouandothers.Youarealsofedupwithbeingthehumanbuffer/scapegoat/punchingbagforhimandtherestofthestaff;allthegripingandcomplainingfrombothsidesisgivingyoumigraines.

TheBigCheese’sfavoriteandmostupsettingtrickistoembarrassyouinfrontofyourstaff.Hedoesthisbydisagreeingwithyoupublicly,cuttingyouoffmid-sentenceorgivingyouhisinfamousexaggeratedandexasperatedglare.Ithasgoneonforalongtime,waytoolong,butyouwerefinallygalvanizedintoactionafterhismostrecentroundofhumiliatingantics.

Hereishowitwentdown:Thediscussionwasaboutdealingwithdemandingclients.Youstartedtosharesomeofyourinsightsandexperienceindealingwiththistypeofcustomer,butTheBigCheesefixedhissteelyglareonyouandsaid,“Thisisn’taboutyou,Denise.Thisisaboutdoingtherightthingfortheclient.Doesanyoneelsehaveanythoughtsorcomments?”Youwereeffectivelysilenced;tensiondescendedovertheroom.TheBigCheese,completelyoblivioustotheatmospherehehadjustcreated,said,“IthinkthatRobertshouldtakeMondaysanddevoteafullhourtocustomerfollow-up.”Youwere(andare!)understandablyupset;theBigCheesedidn’thaveanaccuratepictureoftheproblemandrefusedtolistentoyou-nottomentionthefactthat

hehasnoideahowindispensableRobertisonMondays!

Youhavefinallydecidedthatyouneedtosaysomething,buthowcouldyoupossiblytalktoTheBigCheese?

“BigCheese,Ineedtotalktoyouabouthowweinteractwitheachother.Yesterdayatourteammeeting,Iamnotsureifyouareaware,butwhenIwassharingmyapproachtodealingwithdemandingclientsyousaid,“Denise,thisisn’taboutyou.Thisisaboutdoingtherightthingforthecustomer.”Youthenwentontoassigncustomerfollow-uptoRobert.Iwashumiliatedbecausealloftheemployeeswerepresent.Ibelievethatcommentunderminedmyeffectiveness

astheirmanager.IamalsowonderingifyouthinkIdonothaveanythingvaluabletocontribute.Whatisyourtakeonthis?”STOPTALKING.(Lethim

respond.)

DealingWithBadBehaviororPoorPerformance:MarvelousMelissa

Yourinsanelycompetent,reliableandalwaysdedicatedofficeassistanthasdevelopedastrangenewhabit:shehasbeenarrivinglatetoyourteammeetingswithouthavingherfinancialreportscompleted.Whenshefinallydoesgetthemdonetheworkis,ofcourse,stellar-youdon’tcallher“MarvelousMelissa”fornothing!Theproblemisthatdecision-makingisbeingdelayed,meetingtimeiswastedandyouhavenoticedthatothersarestartingtomakesnidecommentsaboutMelissa’s“specialtreatment”andreferringtoherasyour“petemployee.”

AllofMelissa’sexcusesandyourlackofactionaremakingyoulooklikeanineffectiveleader.YouhavetriedtogiveafewhintstoMelissa,tonoavail.Thelasttimeyougingerlyattemptedtobroachthesubject,sheexplainedthatherdoghadsadlyeatenthereport,whichiswhyitwasn’tdoneontime.Youdidn’tknowhowtoanswer;didn’tyourkidstrythesamecraponyoujustlastweek?Yousilentlywonder,IsMelissatakingadvantageofourcloserelationship?DoesshereallythinkIamthatgullible?Youreallycan’taffordtoloseMelissaandsincerelydon’twanttooffendtherestofyourteam.Quietyourinsidevoiceandtalktoher...butwhatcouldyoupossiblysay?

“Melissa,Iamconcerned.Forthethirdtimethismonthyouhavecometoourteammeetinglateandwithouthavingyourfinancialreportscompleted.Theresultiswastedtimeandtheinabilitytomoveforwardonupcomingprojects.I

amalsoconcernedaboutthemessageitsendstotherestoftheteam.Yourworkisalwaysexcellentandthisrecentbehaviorseemsoutofcharacter.Iamwonderingwhatisgoingon.”STOPTALKING.(Findoutherstory.)

Saying“No:”WeekendWanda

Yourboss,WeekendWanda,iscompletelydisorganized,alwaysschedulinglast-minutecrisismeetingsandassigninghugeprojectslateonFridayafternoons(dueMondayat8:00am!).Youhaveobligedsofarbecauseyouareambitiousandwanttogetahead,particularlygiventhecrummyjobmarket.However,thisweekendyour84-year-oldgrannyisvisitingfromKansasandyouhavealreadytoldWeekendWandathatyouwillbeunavailableforthose2days.Sincethen,youhavefeltrelievedthatyouhadthecouragetodealwiththisissueupfrontbeforeitbecameaproblem...orsoyouthought.

Fast–forwardtoFridayat4:30pm(youareduetoleaveat5:00pmsharptomeetGranny’sbus).WandacomesintoyourofficeinapanicaboutaboardpresentationshehastodeliveronMonday.Sheisdesperateandyouareapparentlytheonlyonewhocanhelpout.Sheneedsyoubigtime.Youremindherthatyouarenotavailableand,despiteyourearlierconversation,sheappearsabsolutelyshockedanddisappointed.Thenshestartsinwiththeflatteryandhighpraiseforyourworkethic,promisingthatthejobwillonlytakeafewhoursandyoucansqueezeitinwhileGrannyisnapping.Youknowbetter;afterall,last-minutecriseslikethisoneareadimeadozenwithWeekendWandaandalwaystakehours(ifnotdays)longerthanexpected.

Insideyouarewavering,butyoumanagetosay,“I’msorry.Ihavehadtheseplansformonths.”Well,nowWeekendWanda’seyesnarrowandsheresortstosubtle-but-scarythreats,leavingyouwiththedistinctimpressionthatyoucankissyourlong-awaitedpromotiongood-bye.Frustratedandemotional,youimagineyourdearoldgrannyspendingtheweekendalonewatchingsoapsandtryingtowrangleyourbadly-behavedgoldenretriever.Youarecaughtbetweenarockandahardplace,here.Whocouldhelpbutagonizeoverhowtohandlesuchanawful,unfairsituation?

Takeadeepbreathandstandyourgroundbecauseifyoudon’t,youwillsetadangerousprecedentforthefuture.Youcouldrespondbysaying:

“Wanda,itsoundslikethispresentationisveryimportanttoyouandyoureally

wantmetohelpout.Usually,Iamkeentostepuptotheplate,butinthiscaseIamunabletodothat.MygrannyisvisitingfromKansasanditisimportanttomethatIspendthistimewithher.”STOPTALKING.(Silenceisdefinitelyyour

powertoolhere!)

WhatDoTheseConversationsHaveinCommon?

Someconversationsareobviouslyhardertodealwiththanothers,especiallywhenyou’refacedwithcommunicationthatfallsundermorethanone“type.”However,thecommonalitybetweenalloftheconversationsaboveisthatthereissomethingverybigandimportantatstake.ThequestionIaskmyselfwhenthinkingaboutwhetherIneedtoengageinatoughconversationis:“Whatisatstake,here?”Istheissueathandsomethingthatisimportantenoughtowarrantmyspeakingup?

Herearesomeexamplesofwhattopicsmightrequireahigh-stakesconversationinyourworkplace:

Yourleadership:Ifyouareasupervisorormanagerwhodoesnotdealwithperformanceorbehavioralissueswithmembersofyourteam,itspeaksvolumesaboutyourleadershipskillsandyourabilitytohandlesensitiveand/ordifficultsituations.Peoplearelookingtoyoutomakethosedifficultdecisionsandtakeaction;youoweittothemtoact.

Productivity:Moreoftenthannot,ifwedon’thavethesetoughconversations,productivitysuffers-especiallywhenwearedealingwithissuesofperformanceorcompetence.Workdoesn’tgetdone(ordoesn’tgetdoneproperlyandneedstoberedone).Inaddition,employeesspendaninordinateamountoftimecomplaining,notonlyaboutthepersonwhoiscausingtheproblem,butalsoaboutthesupervisorwhoisnothandlingthesituation(a.k.a.youorme!).

“Youarewhatyoudowhenitcounts.”

-JohnWilliamSteakley,Jr.[iii]

YourSelf-RespectorSelf-Esteem:Ifwedonotspeakup,weendupfeelingdisrespectedormarginalized.Itissimplyamatterofprinciple.Weneedtostandupforourselveswhenwefeelthatpeoplehavetreatedusinawaythatis

disrespectfulorunkind.Ifyoudon’tletpeopleknowhowtheirbehaviorisnegativelyaffectingyou,howcanthingspossiblychange?Rememberthatawarenessiscritical;noneofuscanchangewhatwedon’tknow.

TheRelationship:Istherelationshipatstake?Thinkaboutit.Ifyoudonotdealwithanissuethathascomeupbetweenyouandsomebodyelse,hereiswhatgenerallyhappens:resentmentstartstobuild,assumptionsgetmadeand,prettysoon,webeginharboringsomeseriouslynegativefeelingstowardthepersoninquestion(andvice-versa).Imaginehowtherelationshipwillsufferifyounevertalktoyourcolleagueaboutherconstanttextingwhenyougoouttolunchtogether.Youstarttomakejudgments:Sheisrude.Herbehaviorisinappropriate.Sheisimmatureandinconsiderateofyouandyourtime.Shemustnotreallyvalueyourrelationshipatall.Maybeyou’rerightormaybeyou’remissingsomething,buteitherwaydoesthatsoundlikethemakingsofahealthyrelationshiptoyou?Ididn’tthinkso.

Whenruminatingoverwhethertobotherhavingadifficultconversation,remembertoaskyourselfwhatisatstake.Isthequalityofyourleadershipatstake?Isbusinessproductivityatstake?Isyourself-respectorself-esteemontheline?Istherearelationshipthatwillsuffer?Iftheansweris“yes”tooneormoreofthosequestions,youprobablyneedtostepupandhavethatconversation.Onceit’sover,chancesaregoodthatyouwillsleepbetterandworryless,too!

TopToolstoRecall:DeterminingWhenYouNeedtoTalk

-Stepuptoatoughconversationwhenthereissomethingimportantatstake.-Knowingthatthereissomethingimportantatstakecangiveyouthecouragetohavetheconversation.

Great!Nowyouaresurethereissomethingimportantatstakethatrequiresaseriousconversation(butmaybeyoususpectedasmuchalready).Youwantapositiveoutcome-buthow?

Wewillgettothat,Ipromise...butfirst,let’slookatthesingleworstthingthatalmostallofusdothatgetsinthewayofoursuccess.Untilweunderstandtherolethisnefariouslittlehabitplaysinmessingupourworkrelationships,careerandemotionalwell-being,wemaynottrulyhavetheinspirationandcourageweneedtostepupandtalk.

Curious?(Ha,myevilplanisworking!)Ontochaptertwo!

Chapter2:AvoidatYourPeril

“Courageisthegreatestofallvirtuesbecauseifyouhaven’tcourage,youmaynothaveanopportunitytouseanyoftheothers.”

-SamuelJohnson

DoesSamuelJohnson’squotestrikeachordwithyou?You’veputoffthatdreadedtalk(youknowtheone!)forsolongnowthatyouarefeelingirritableandmaybeevenalittlenauseous.Youdreadthethoughtofrunningintotheoffendingpersonatthephotocopieroryourlocallunchtimesushihangout.Hey,ifyoucanjustavoidthepersonforafewmoreyears,thenmaybetheissuewillgoawayonitsown!

Avoidanceisn’ttheanswer,asmuchasyoumighthopeitwillbe.Wewouldliketothinkthatifweburiedourheadsinthesand,ourwoeswouldevaporate.Well,myfriends,itdidn’tworkoutfortheostrichanditdefinitelydidn’tworkoutforthispoorguy:

BrazilianLosesMorethanHearing

A39-year-oldBrazilianmanwenttoamedicalcliniccomplainingof

muffledhearing.Whileinthewaitingroomhebelievedheheardhisnamecalled,sooffhewentintotheexaminationroomwiththe

doctor.Thedoctorandthestaffpreparedandtreatedthepatient,butinanareanowherenearhisear;themanlefttheclinicwithavasectomyandnoresolutionofhismuffledhearing!Howdidithappen?Apparently,hedidnotaskanyquestionsduringtheprocedure.Helatertoldstaffhethoughtthatperhapshisear

inflammationhadreachedasfarashistesticles![iv]

Ifonlythispoorgentlemanhadreadchapteroneofthisbook,hewouldhaveknownthiswasoneconversationwithveryhighstakes!Allkiddingaside,thisisamind-bogglingexampleofhowkeepingquietatcriticaltimesdoesnotdoanyoneanygood.Evenasimpleobservationorcommentonhispart(“Areyousurethiswillhelpmyhearing?”or“Oh,Ididn’tknowyoucouldfithearingaidsdownthere!”)wouldhavehaltedtheprocedureandsavedhimhisfertility.Obviously,thismandidnotfeelcomfortablequestioningtheauthorityofaphysician-andtheconsequencesofavoidanceherewereunfortunatetosaytheleast.

FYI:Ifyouarestillfantasizingthatyourarrogantbosswillrelocatetofar-flunglandsorthatyoursnottycoworkerwillbedonein,youarenotonlydeludingyourselfbutyouarepracticingclosetavoidance-bigtime.Mostofuscouldwriteabookontheconversationswe’veavoidedandthesubsequentdisastrousresults.PerhapsourstoriesofavoidancearenotasdramaticasthestoryoftheBrazilianmanabove,butthatdoesn’tmeanthatavoidinganimportantworkplaceconversationcan’tsendthewrongmessageorhaveundesirableconsequences.

Here’sanexampleofwhatI’mtalkingabout:Icallit“GorgeousGalandDantheMan.”

Youareayoungandambitiousfemalebusinessgrad.Eachyear,HighTechInc.hiresabout20internsandyoumadethecut(congratulations!).Youareecstaticandfeelastrongneedtoproveyourselfbothintermsofyourworkandwhetheryouareagoodfitfortheteambecauseonlyfivepeoplearegoingtobeofferedjobsattheendoftheinternship.

Oneday,yougetyourbigbreak:youhaveachancetoworkwithoneofthehotshotprojectleads:DantheMan.Itisgoingtomeanweekendsandlatenights,butitisanexcitingprojectandanamazingopportunity.Youstart

workingwithDantheManandthingsseemtobegoingwell.Heischarmingandsmartandverycomplimentaryofyourwork.Healsooftenremarksonhowniceyoulookand,althoughyoufeelflattered,youdon’tthinktoomuchofit.Then,oneday,hetellsyouhethinksyouhavegreatlegs.Youcan’thelpbutfeelhehascrossedthelineandareabituncomfortableaboutthecomment.Youdon’tquiteknowhowtorespond,however,soyousaynothing.

AfewdayslateryouareoutataclientdinnerwithDantheManandafewothers.Danisrightnexttoyouandallofasudden-OMG!-youfeelhislegsneakilytouchupagainstyours.Youthinktoyourselfthatitmusthavebeenaccidental,butthenithappensagain.Youareextremelyuncomfortableandquicklymoveyourlegaway,buthislegfollowsyourslikethatickyenamoredskunkfromLooneyTunes;youfeelcompletelytrapped.Afterall,youareataclientdinner;shortofgrindingyourJimmyChoostilettointohistootsies(whichwouldcauseanastyscene)orfleetherestaurant(whichwouldcomeoffasbeyondunprofessional),whatcouldyoudo?Feelinghelpless,youdon’tdoorsayanything-again.

“Mydearfriend,clearyourmindofcan’t.”

-SamuelJohnson

Sadly,thisisanall-too-commonstory.You’vejustdonewhatanyself-respectinglow-on-the-hierarchyambitiouswomenwoulddo(IknowIcertainlyhave):absolutelynothing.Youtrytoconvinceyourselfthatitisnotabigdeal,butdeepdownyouknowthatboundarieshavebeencrossed-andthereisalotatstakehere.Yes,itistruethatifyoutalktoDantheManyoumayriskyour“idealjob.”Ontheotherhand,yourself-esteemandself-respectareontheline.Ifyouavoidsaying“no”whenyouneedto,nomatterhowyouthinktheconversationwillgo,itsendsthemessagethatyouareokaywiththeotherperson’sbehaviorandthereisaveryrealpossibilitythingswillgetmuchworse.

SowhatcouldyoupossiblysaytoDan?Herearesomeoptions:

“Ineedtotalktoyouaboutwhathappenedattheclientdinnertheothernight.Iamnotsurewhatyourintentionswerebutwhenyoutouchedmylegunderthe

tableIwasuncomfortable.”STOPTALKING.(Lessismore.)

Oryoucouldsay:

“Dan,Iwantedtocleartheairaboutsomethingthathasbeenbotheringme.WhenyoumadethecommentaboutmylegstheotherdayandthentouchedmylegattheclientdinnerlastnightIfeltuncomfortable.Itisreallyimportanttomethatwekeepourrelationshipprofessional.”STOPTALKING.(Hearhimout,if

hehasanythingtosay.)

Or,ifyouarefeelingveryconfidentinthemomentyoumightturntoDaninaquietvoiceandsay:

“Dan,Iamalittleuncomfortablewithyoutouchingmyleg.”STOPTALKING.(Silenceshowsconfidence.)

Complaining:theSurestSignYouAreAvoiding

Complainingisacluethatyouareavoidingatalkyoureallyneedtohave.Youcancomplaintoyourbestfriendorhoundtotalstrangersinthecoffeeshopand,sure,itfeelsgoodtovent,buttakemyadviceanddon’tturnitintoasport.Themainproblemwithcomplainingisthatwebecomeentrenchedintheveryproblemwewanttoresolve.Weusuallycomplaintothosewhoaresympathetictoourpointofvieworthosewhowillunderstandoursorryplight.Theyagreewithuswholeheartedlyandthatreinforcesourideathatweare“right.”Themoreoutsidereinforcementweget,theeasieritistoconvinceourselvesthattheotherpersonisbeingrudeordisrespectful.Westarttomakeallsortsofassumptionsandjudgments,whichonlyservestomakeusmoreupsetandmiserable.Theproblemwiththissituationisthatnothingisresolvedandweendupwithmorestress,moreulcers,moretossingandturning.

Toillustrate,let’slookataworkscenariomostofuscanrelateto:theubiquitous“ChattyCathy.”

YouworkinanopenspaceenvironmentandChattyCathyoftencomesintoyourworkspace,chattinginaveryloudvoicewithherpeers.It’sbeengoingonforagesandyouhateit;youcan’tconcentrateonyourworkandfindittoughtotalkonthephonewithChattyCathy’sconstantbabbleinthebackground.Youhavetriedtogivesubtlehintsthatherchit-chatisbotheringyou.Youhavepointedsharplytothephonereceiverwhenyouareonit,hopingshewillgetthemessageandlowerhervoice.Youhaveeventriedcoveringyourearsmelodramaticallysothatshewouldsimplyhavetonotice...andyetsomehow,

shehasn’t.Obviously,thiswomanisasthickasabrick;shecertainlydoesn’tseemtobegettingthehint(s).

Youdon’twanttoseempettyordifficultsoyoudon’tactuallysayanything,buteverypassingdaybringsyouonestepclosertoblowingyourtopandcausingalegendaryofficesceneinwhichyouenactoneofthemanywaysyouhaveplottedChattyCathy’sdemise.Instead,youandyourothercoworkerscomplainbitterlybehindChattyCathy’sbackabouthowrudeandinconsideratesheis.Youarefeelingmoreandmoreupsetandresentfulaboutthewholethingand,asaresult,yourownproductivityissuffering.YourrelationshipwithChattyCathyisultimatelyatstakehere(nottomentionyoursanity);andyes,maybeyoudon’twanttobeherBFFandbraideachother’shairatsleepovers,butyoudostillhavetointeractwithhereverydayattheoffice,soforthesakeofyourpeaceofmindatwork,it’sbetterifyoutwocanfigureoutawaytocoexist.

Theproblem,ofcourse,isthatChattyCathyprobablyhasnoideathatherchatterisbotheringpeoplebecausenobodyhasactuallyhadthecouragetospeakupaboutittoherdirectly.Doesn’tshedeservetoknow?Shedefinitelydoesand,moreimportantly,shecan’tchangewhatshedoesn’tknow.Itishighlyunlikelyyouaregoingtohaveanyresolutionofthisoranyotherproblemunlessyoustepuptotheplateforyourtoughtalk.

Complainingputsyoudeeperintotheproblem,withoutanyhopeofresolution.Infact,thingswillprobablygetworse.Ofcourse,Idon’texpectyoutoquitcomplainingcoldturkey-evenIadmitit’skindoffun.However,IdohaveacompromisethatIworkedoutwithmyclosefriendJennifer;wecallitthe“two-minutewhinerule”andhere’showitworks:IaskifIcanhavetwominutestowhineandcomplainbitterlyaboutsomething.Ifsheagrees(whichshealwaysdoes-sheisagoodfriendafterall!),thenIrantandravefortwominutes.Attheendofthetwominutes,sheasksmeaquestionthathelpsmetobeproactive,stopavoidingandhopefullystepupandhaveatoughconversationwiththepersoninquestion.

HelpfulHint:TheTwo-MinuteWhineRule

Whineandcomplainfortwominutesandthenchooseoneofthetwoquestionsbelowtoanswer:

1.So,whatareyougoingtodoaboutit?or

2.Whatareyournextsteps?

Ihaveworkedinmanyorganizationsofvaryingsizesindifferentcitiesandcountries,andaconsistentthemeIhaveexperiencedinallofthemwastheprevalenceofcomplaining.Itresultsinwastedtime,negativefeelingsandlossofcreativity,nottomentionitentrenchespeopleintheveryproblemsthattheywouldactuallyprefertosolve.Complaining,althoughitmayfeelgoodtemporarily,isdeadlybothforourworkrelationshipsandforourabilitytogetthingsdone.Ifweallcouldjustembracethetwo-minutewhinerule,wewouldbesomuchmoreproductiveandwouldultimatelyfeelmorecontentatwork.Ifyoufindyourselfregularlycomplainingtoanyonewhowilllisten,stopandaskyourselfifyouarehavingyourconversationswiththerightpeople.Isuspecttheanswerisprobablyno!

TheBigDealAboutAvoiding

Somepeoplewouldliketothinkthatnottalkingabouttheirproblemsisasignamaturity...butifyoustoicallymanagenottotalktothepersonyouhaveanissuewith,doesthatreallymeanyouarethe“biggerperson?”Idon’tbelieveso.Theproblemwhenweavoidadifficultconversationisthatthereisalackofresolutionandworse,wesendamessagetotheotherpersonthatweare“a-okay”withwhateverisgoingon.Wethenthinkwecancleverlycontainourirritation,frustrationandresentment,butthesenegativeemotionsinevitablyleakoutinourtone,bodylanguageandofteninlittlesnidecommentswemake.Wesaynot-so-funny,thinly-veiledthingslike:“Whattimedoyouanticipatethearrivalofthereportfinishingfairy?”or“Theremustbeashort-sightedofficeratinthelunchroom–myfavoritecheesehasdisappearedagain!”Commentslikethosedon’tgetthemessageacross,eventhoughyoufeellikeyou’relayingitonprettythick.Theotherpersonmaythinkyouarejustbeingneuroticorattemptingalamejoke.

“Ifyouhavetimetowhineandcomplainaboutsomething,thenyouhavethetimetodosomethingaboutit.”

-AnthonyJ.D’Angelo,authorofRichGrad,PoorGrad[v]

Whenweavoidatoughconversation,wecreatean“elephantintheoffice”thatnoonewantstoaddress.Inthelongrun,youwillinevitablydamagethe

relationshipsyouweretryingtopreservebynottalking.Irritationandresentmentwillbuildandyouwilleitherexplodeorimplode,buteitherwayitisnotgoingtobepretty.Itremindsmeofthepressurecookerwehadgrowingup.Onedaythecookerwasleftonfartoolongandthepressurewassogreatthatitexploded,sendingspaghettisauceeverywhere-theceilings,thewalls,thekids...everywhere.Whatamess!

Hereisastoryaboutmysister,Cathy(nottobeconfusedwithChattyCathy!),whoputherselfintheproverbial“spaghettisauceexplosion”situationbyputtingoffaconversationforfartoolong.

TheShowdown:MySistervs.Know-It-AllKen

MysisterandIwereattendinganintensemulti-daycommunicationsworkshop.Oneparticipant-let’scallhim“Know-It-AllKen”-hadbeenprovidinghispointofviewalongwithhisfrequentopinionsthroughouttheentireworkshop.Frankly,hewasquiteannoying.Heinterruptedtheworkshopleaderandfellowparticipantssooftenthateveryonevisiblycringedwhenheopenedhismouthtospeak.

Towardstheendoftheworkshop,weweredoingagroupwrap-upandreviewexercisewithalloftheparticipantsand,littledidKenknow,hewasabouttomeethisfate.Blissfullyignorant,herambledonandon,describinghisviews,hissolutionsandhowhewoulddothingsdifferently.Kenwascompletelyoblivioustothefactthatothersmayhavehadsomethingtooffer;heblatheredonandinterruptedpeopleconstantly,drivingeveryonecrazyandmysistertoherboilingpoint.

NowCathyhadbeencomplainingbitterlytomeandothersthroughouttheworkshopaboutthisbehavior(otherswerecomplainingtoo),butsaidnothingtoKnow-It-AllKenortotheworkshopleaderaboutherfrustration.Icouldseehergettingmoreandmoreirateand,knowingherasIdo,Ifeareditwasabouttogetugly-reallyugly.

Afterdaysofavoidance,Cathymadeuphermindtospeakonbehalfofeveryone(withouttheirpermission-oops!)andtellKenabouttheimpactofhisloudmouthbehavioronthegroup.Usinglotsof“hot,”judgmentallanguage,shesaid,“Ken,youarebeingincrediblyrude.Youinterrupttheleaderconstantlywhenweallwouldliketohearwhathehastosay.Youkeepjumpinginwithyourviewsanddon’tallowanyoneelsetospeak.Iwouldreallyappreciateitif

youwouldstopinterruptingallthetime.”Waytogo,Cathy,youreallytoldhimlikeitis.Yikes!

Well,youcouldhaveheardapindropintheroom.Wewereallsquirminginourseats,wantingtobeanywherebutatthatcommunicationsworkshop(gottalovetheirony).Itdoesn’ttakeapsychictopredictthatKen’sbackwouldbewaaaayup;heimmediatelywentontheoffensive.Iwillspareyoutheverbalplay-by-play,butsufficeittosaythatitwasn’tpretty.Theworkshopendedawkwardlytosaytheleast,withabigfatelephantintheroom.Nothingwasresolvedandtensionsranhigh.Nobodycouldgetoutoftherefastenough.

HowCouldSheHaveDealtWithIt?

Cathyhadhadsomethingworthwhiletosayandprobablyonlysaidwhateveryoneelsemusthavebeenthinking.However,hermessagedidnotgetthroughtoKnow-It-AllKenbecauseshewentontheattackbycallinghim“rude”andusingaccusatorylanguage.Shehandleditpoorlyand,asaresult,underminedhermessageandhercredibility,whichmadeherlookfoolishandcausednothingbuthostilityfromKnow-It-AllKen.

Manyyearslater,Cathyunderstandsthepartsheplayedandtheoverarchinglesson:avoidatyourperil.Atsomepoint,thepressurewillbetoogreatandyouwilleventuallyexplode,justlikethatpressurecookerfullofhot,messyspaghettisauce,whichwillsplatteralloveryouandaroomfullofinnocentbystanders.ThissituationwouldhavebeenbetterhandledasaprivateconversationwithKnow-It-AllKen,preferablymuchearlierintheworkshop,orshecouldhaveaskedtheworkshopleadertodealwiththeproblembeforeherbloodboiledover.

Toavoidasituationlikethisinyourownlife,besuretocheckyourselfforthefollowingsymptomsofavoidance:

-Constantcomplainingtoanyonewhowilllisten

-Anaïvebeliefordesperatehopethatyourproblemswillresolvethemselvesspontaneously

-Recreatingworst-casescenariosandrunningthemthroughyourheadonrepeat

-A“thingswillneverchange”mentality

-Aslow,menacingsimmerinsideofyou(thatcan’tbeblamedonthespicyfoodyouatlastnight!)

WhySoManyofUsLooooovetoAvoid

Thisisabiggie!Weavoidsomeconversationsbecausetheyareuncomfortableandweareafraidofhowtheotherpersonmightreact.Weareafraidofcreatingnegativityinourworkrelationshipsorworkenvironmentasaresultofourspeakingup.Weworryaboutopeningacanofwormsandcausingirreversibledamage.Wedon’twanttocomeacrossasdifficult,unsupportive,pettyorpresumptuous-andweabsolutely,positivelydreadthethoughtofapainfullylong,drawn-outconversation.

“F.E.A.R.:FalseEventsAppearingReal”

-ZigZiglar

“Afraid.”“Worry.”“Dread.”Soundfearsometoyou?That’sbecausefearisattherootofnearlyeveryworkplaceconversationwechoosetoavoid.Tocircumventtheissueoffear,IremindmyselfthatmyfearsareneverasrealorasscaryasIbuildthemuptobeinmyhead.Moreoftenthannot,IampleasantlysurprisedbyhowmucheasierthesechallengingconversationsarethanIhadanticipated.Ialsofrequentlyhaveclientstellmewithasighofrelief,“ThatwassomucheasierthanIthoughtitwouldbe.IwishI’dhadthatconversationalongtimeago!”

Don’tfretifthisdoesn’tfeel100%organicatfirst.Itmightnothappenrightaway,butthemoreyoupractice,themoreconfidentyouwillbecome.Youmayevenfindthathavingtheseconversationsbecomesnatural,asiffacingyourtoughesttalkshead-onweresecondnaturetoyou(Wouldn’tthatbesonice?).Avoidtellingyourselfthatyoucan’tdoit;that’sjustyourfeartalking.Ifyoucontinuetoworkthroughthisbookandpracticewhatyoulearn,youwillgetthere.

TopToolstoRecall:AvoidatYourPeril

-Silencewhenyouneedtospeakupcanhaveserious,unintendedconsequences.

-Avoidingtheconversationtellstheotherpersonthatyouarea-okaywiththeirbehavior.-Complainingisastrongcluethatyouareavoidingaconversationyouneedtohave.-Ifyouavoidforlongenough,thestresswillbuildupandyoumayendupexplodinglikeapressurecooker!

Wenowknowthatwhenthereissomethingimportantatstake,avoidingtheconversationflatoutdoesn’twork(andinfactoftenmakesthingsworse).

Fromhereon,wearegoingtofocusonwhatdoeswork.Iamabouttosharewithyoumyfoursuper-easystepsforyourtoughtalks.Ifyoufollowthesestepsaswellasthewealthofothertoolsyouwilluncoverinthechaptersthatfollow,youshouldbeabletofinallyanswerthatall-importantquestion:“HowcanIsaythiswithconfidenceandgettheresultsthatIwant?”

Itisn’trocketscience;itjusttakespreparationandpractice.Iamheretohelpyouwiththepreparationpartatleast-soonwardsandupwards!

“Peoplearemuchmorelikelytoacttheirwayintoanewwayofthinkingthanthinktheirwayintoanewwayofacting.”

-RichardPascale[vi]

Step1:PreparetoTalk

Chapter3:NailtheRealIssue

Chapter4:HammerOutYourGoal

Chapter5:ResisttheTemptation

Chapter3:NailtheRealIssue

Chapterhighlights:

-Whatisthepersonsayingordoing(ornotsayingordoing)thatiscausingaproblemforyou?

-Separatefactfromfiction–justthecold,hardfacts!

-Beawareofhowyourassumptions,judgmentsandbeliefsinfluenceyou.

-Implementthetwo-minutewhineruleasneeded.

My“SadSewing”Story

WhenIwasinninthgrade,mymomthoughtitwouldbeagoodideaifItooksewing.IwasabitskepticalasIwasnotthecraftiestpersonbynature;shehadalreadytriedtoteachmetoknitonceandthathadbeenadisaster.Anyway,IgotintoalotoftroubleinsewingclassbecauseIalwayswantedtoleapinandstart,withnopreparation.Iwouldquicklyhackupthefabricandthenruntothesewingmachineandlineupthepiecesusingthe“eyeball”method;thenIwouldputthesewingpedaltothemetal.

Atfirst,therewouldbegreatsatisfaction...butthensuddenlythesewingneedlewouldcareenoffthegarmentandmakeamessofthestitching.Iwould

thenhavetogothroughthetedioustaskofrippingoutallofthestitchingandstartingover.Itwastimeconsumingandexasperating.Thesadthingis,mostofmygarmentslookedlikeoldragsbythetimeIwasfinishedandIwouldactuallytakelongerthanthestudentswhotooktheirtimebecauseofallthesewingIwouldhavetoredo.IfonlyIhadsloweddown,preparedandplannedahead,Icouldhavesavedmyselfsomuchtimeandgrief.

“Insanity:doingthesamethingoverandoveragainexpectingdifferentresults.”

-AlbertEinstein

Thesameprinciplesapplywhentacklingourchallengingconversations.Don’tapproachyourconversationsthewayIapproachedmysewing-youwillnotbehappywiththeresult!

Whenwethinkabouthowtohaveatoughconversation,weoftengetoverwhelmedandfailtomakeanyprogress.Nowisthetimetostopspinningyourwheelsandgetgrounded-andthefirststepistonaildowntherealissue.Sometimestheissueiseasytodefine,suchashavingtotellsomebodytheydidnotgetthepromotionorneedingtofiresomeone.Othertimes,definingtheissueistrickier.Ifyouarehavingtroublegettingclearabouttheissueathand,thenaskyourselfwhattheotherpersonissaying,notsaying,doingornotdoingthatiscausingaproblemforyouorothers.Whatpreciselyisitthatisdrivingyoucrazy?

Whenrelationshipsarestrained,thatstraincomplicatesthingsandyoucanlosesightofwhatyouareactuallyconcernedabout.However,itiscriticalthatyounailtheissuedownearlybecauseouremotionsandourimaginationstendtorunawaywithus,whichcanobviouslymakethingsmuchworse.Wehaveatendencytodefineissuesintermsofwhatotherpeopleare“doingwrong”orsomeimaginedcharacterflawoftheirs.Wemakeassumptionsandarequicktojudge.

Hereisanexampleofacommonwaypeopledefinetheirissueswhentheyhavenotyetnaileddowntherealproblem:“Oh,theproblemismyegomaniacbossisabsolutelygoingtofreakoutwhenItellhimI’mnotcomingtohis‘promotionparty’becauseI‘mawayinPalmSprings.Hethinkshe’ssucharockstar,asifheisthemostimportantpersonintheworld.Seriously,doeshereallythinkweallcandropourplansjusttoaccommodatehis?”

Newsflash:describingyourbossasanegomaniacalwannaberockstarisa

judgmentonyourpart,notanactualproblem.Togetaclearerpictureofwhat’sgoingon,youmustaskyourselfwhatyourbossisdoingornotdoingthatiscausingaproblemforyouorothers.Withoutaskingtherightquestion,youareassumingthatifyoudonotattendyourboss’party,itmaynegativelyaffectyourrelationshipwithhimandyourchancesofgettingthatpromotion.Youactuallyneedtotalktoyourbossaboutyourplansandconcerns-insteadofpreemptivelyinventinganissue.

“Labelsareforfiling.Labelsareforclothing.Labelsarenotforpeople.”

-MartinaNavratilova[vii]

Hereisanotherexampleofhowpeoplecommonlydescribeaso-calledissueintheworkplace:“IfIleavethisreportforLazyLindatodo,itwillnevergetdone.IfIwanttogetanythingdonearoundthisofficeIhavetodoitmyself;Ijustdon’thaveachoice.”Oops-youhavejustdefinedtheissueasLindabeing“lazy”andtakenonthemartyrrolebyrunningintosavetheday.Unfortunately,thesearejustyourjudgments,assumptionsandbeliefsoncemore,notanaccurateassessmentoftherealproblem.Again,askyourselfwhatLindaisdoingornotdoingthathasledyoutotheconclusionthatsheislazy-andhowisLinda’saction(ornon-action)causingaproblemforyouorothers?

Definingaproblemasashortcomingintheotherpersonisasurefirewaytoputthatpersononthedefensive,whichcreatesinstanttroublefortheconversation.Weoftendefaulttothe“avoid/complain”optionbecauseitisthepathofleastresistance.Imaginehowyourpoorfriendsfeellisteningtoyougoonandonaboutyourself-importantbossorsloth-likecoworker.Ugh!Iamsuretheyhaveheardquiteenough.Rememberthetwo-minutewhinerulewecoveredinchaptertwo?First,youtaketwoself-indulgentminutestowhineandcomplaintoyourtrusty“whinebuddy.”Thenitistimetomoveonandgetproactive.

Identifyingtherealproblemorissueessentiallycomesdowntotwoquestions:

1.Whatisthepersondoingornotdoingthathasledyoutoyourconclusionorjudgment?Forexample,ifyousaythatLindaislazy,thenaskyourselfwhatitisspecificallythatLindadoesordoesn’tdothatleadsyoutotheconclusionthatsheislazy.(Sticktothefactsplease!)

2.Howistheperson’sbehaviorcausingaproblemforyouorothers?Forexample,specificallyhowisLinda’sbehaviorcreatinganissueforyouoryourcoworkers?

UncoveringtheCold,HardFacts

Toanswerthesequestions,weneedtoberealaboutwhatisgoingonandsetasideourowncolorfulstories.Thefirstpartofidentifyingtheissueisseparatingoutthefactsfromour“Hollywoodversion”ofwhathasbeengoingon.

Sowhatarethecold,hardfacts?Statingthefactscanbeverytrickybecauseinsideusallaretrulyexcellentstory-makingmachines.Unfortunately,ourstoriesareoftenfullofassumptionsandcontainallsortsof“hot,”judgmentallanguage.Ourextremelytalented-yetoftenmisinformed-insidevoiceshelpustocreatethesestories.YouknowthevoiceI’mtalkingabout;it’sthatannoyinglittlevoicethatchattersendlesslyinourheads,actingasourownpersonalspindoctor,neveratalossforwordsandalwayseagertostateanopinion.Ittakesthefacts,reinventsthemandcreatesaverycolorful,one-sidedstory.Theresultingconcoctionservesonlytofantheflamesand,justlikeanystory,themoreyouplayitandreplayitthemorebelievableitbecomes.Yourinsidevoiceplaystheblamegame,worshipsthemartyrandembracestheroleofthevictim.Ifyoustarttobelievethatyourstoriesare“thefacts,”thenyougetstuckanditbecomesverydifficulttocommunicatewithoutblameandcriticismspewingoutinyourwordsand/orbodylanguage.Dealingwiththeinsidevoicetakespractice,butitispossibletosilenceitwithalittlepersistence.

“...beginchallengingyourassumptions.Yourassumptionsareyourwindowsontheworld.Scrubthemoffeveryonceinawhileorthelightwon’tcomein.”

-AlanAlda[viii]

ImaginehowtheconversationwithLazyLindawouldgoifyoutoldheroutrightthatsheisnotdoingherfairshareofthework.Itisnotgoingtogowellunlessyouletgoofalloftheannoying,judgmentalideasyourinsidevoicehasaccumulatedandfiledawayas“veryimportantandtrueinformation.”Lookhardfortherealfactsinyourstory.Beasspecificaspossibleanddescribetheissueinthreesentencesorfewer.Iknow,that’satoughone;weallthinkthatthemorewehavetosay,thebetter.Nothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth.Iamserioushere:threesentencestodescribewhatitisthattheotherpersonisdoing,

maximum!

ProblemorNoProblem:JustThinkBeforeYouSpeak!

Pleasedon’tevenconsideropeningyourmouthuntilyouhavereallyseparatedout“yourstory”from“therealstory.”Thismayalsorequirethatyouhaveamentaldumpofallofyourassumptions,judgmentsandbeliefstosilenceyournatteringinsidevoice.Consciouslydumpingitoutmaypreventitfrominadvertentlyleakingoutwhileyouarehavingtheconversation.Iwilltellmyself,“Diane,dumpallthatchatterandflushit.”Youwillfeelsomuchlighter(evenifthescalesdonotagree!),clearerandbetterabletotackletheissueathand.

Iremindmyselfoftheimportanceofthementaldumpthankstomyownpainfulpersonalexperience.Wehaveallbeenthere,blurtingsomethingoutand,asthewordsflyacrosstheroom,wishingthereweresomewaytoreinthembackin.Itdoesn’thelpthatothersareusuallytheretowitnessyourdisgrace-so,Iamheretostronglyencourageyoutolearnyour(andmy)lessontotakethementaldumpbeforeyouspeak.

ScarySecretary

Earlyinhismedicalcareerandjustasearlyinmylegalcareer,Ireceivedafranticphonecallfrommyhubbyonemorning.Hisnewsecretaryhadhadanervousbreakdownandhadabandonedship.Hewasleftwithafulloffice,abusydayofpatientsandanemptyreceptiondesk.Hesoundedverynervousandstressed.Afterabitofbeggingandsomepitifulimploring,IcheckedmyscheduleanddecidedIcouldcomeinforthedayandbailhimout.(Aren’tIthebestwifeever?)

So,offItrottedtohisofficetosavetheday.Asfatewouldhaveit,however,thejobwasmuchmoredifficultthanIhadanticipated,fulloftediousdetails,frequentinterruptions,irritablepatients,endlessphonecallsandquestionsthatIwasnowherenearqualifiedtoanswer.Inshort,itwaschaoticandIwasmadlyscramblingtogetthingsrolling.Withimpeccabletiming,hubbybuzzedmeatthefrontdesk.Itrang10timesbeforeIcouldpickitup;whostaysonthelinethatlonganyway?(Thiswasmyinsidevoice,whichwasdefinitelynothelpingrightthen!)

“CanyougetDr.SmartfromtheEyeBankonthephoneforme?”hubby

asked.“Ihaveapatientwhoneedsatransplant.”Despitetherelativelyinnocuousrequest,atthispointmyinsidevoicewasscreaming,“Areyoukiddingme?Areyourfingersbroken?Whodoyouthinkyouare,youarroganttwit?Howdareyouaskmetodosuchamenialtask–especiallywhenIamoutherebustingmybuttanddoingyouabigfavor?”Now,thisiswhereIshouldhavetakenadeepbreathandtakenabigmentaldump.Instead,Iblurtedoutinaloudvoiceinfrontoftheentirewaitingroom,“Areyouserious?Phonehimyourself!”andIslammedthephonedown–hard.(Slammingdownphoneswasfarmoresatisfyinginthedaysbeforecordlesstechnology.)

Ilookedupandsawthatallofthepatientsinthewaitingroomwerestaringatmeincompletedisbelief.ThatputintocontextformewhatIhadjustdone.First,let’sfigureouttherealissuehere,whichiseasyenough:IwasupsetwhenhubbyhadaskedmetomakethecallbecauseIwasoverwhelmedatthetimeandtherequestseemedlikeanunnecessary,menialtask...butinsteadofblowingup,whenhehadaskedmetomakethatcallIcouldhavequitesimplysaid–afterthementaldump–somethinglikethis:

“Iamsorry,butIreallydon’thavethetimetomakethecallrightnow.Iamjustcopingwiththefrontdesk.”STOPTALKING.(Youhavemadeyourpoint;no

needtoblabon.)

Takingthatmentaldumpbeforeyouevenopenyourmouthmeansyouwon’tblurtsomethingthatisrudeandaggressive.

Let’slookatsomeworksituationstoseehowwemightgoaboutthisfirststageofpreparingforourowntoughtalks.

SettingExpectations:NewManagerontheBlock

Imaginethatyouhaverecentlybeenpromotedandyouarenowsupervisinganumberofindividualswhowereyourcoworkersjustlastmonth.Coffee,lunchandthebaronFridaynightusedtobeyournormwiththesepeople–nowthatyouaretheboss,thingshavegottenalittleawkward.OnMonday,atyourfirst-everteammeeting,youclearlysetoutsomeexpectationsandprioritiesfortheweekahead.Specifically,youassignedanumberofyourstafftoworkonaparticularprojectfortheweekandyouleftthemeetingcertainthateveryonewasonthesamepage.

FastforwardtoFridayatnoon:ithascometoyourattentionthatoneteam

member,Al,hasnotbeenworkingonyourassignedproject.Youarefumingandyourinsidevoicestartstochatterlikecrazy:“Alisadifficultemployee.Hehasalwaysbeenaslackerandhejustlovestotesthissupervisors.JustbecauseI’mnew,hethinkshecanpushmearound...”andonandon,spewingoutallsortsofjudgments.DespitehowyoumayfeelaboutAl,yourinsidevoicereallyisnotdoingyouanyfavorsatthismoment.

Takeastepbackandworkonseparatingfactfromfictionbyquestioningyourversionofthestory.Askyourself,“WhatisAldoingorsayingthatiscausingtheproblem?”anddoyourbesttoanswertruthfully.Thefactsmaysoundsomethinglikethis:Alwasyourcoworkeramonthago;nowyouarehisboss.YouassignedallmembersofyourteamtoworkonaparticularprojectthisweekandAldidnotfollowthrough.Youdonotknowwhyhedidn’tworkonitalthoughyouhavesomeassumptions.Stoprightthere-thosearethefactsinexactlythreesentences.(Remember,youonlygetthreesentencesorless.)

Next,askyourself,basedonfactsonly,howAl’sbehavioriscausingaproblemforyouorothers.Asanewmanager,youmaydefinetheproblemasaconcernabouthowaccountabilityandcommunicationareviewedbyyourteam.Ifteammemberschoosetoworkonotherprojectswithoutinformingyou(forwhateverreason,evenifitislegitimate)whatdoesthatsayaboutyourleadershiptobothAlandtherestoftheteam?YouareconcernedthatunlessyoudealwithAl’sinsubordination,youaresettinganunwelcomeprecedentforthefuture.Essentiallyyourleadership,yourself-respectandyourrelationshipwithAlandtherestofyourteamareatstake.

Nowthatyouhaveaclearpictureoftheproblem,whatcouldyousaytoAl?

“Al,IwanttotalktoyouabouttheprojectthatIassignedattheteammeeting.Ithascometomyattentionthatyoudidnotworkonitthisweek.Iamnotsurewhy,butIbelievethatbynotspeakingtomefirstitcreatesaproblemforbothmeasaleaderandfortheothermembersoftheteam.Canwetalkaboutthis?”

STOPTALKING.(Bepreparedtolistentohim.)

Dependingonhowtheconversationgoes,youmayneedtomoreclearlyestablishexpectationsforthefuture.

PoorPerformance:WebsiteWilly

Imagineyouhaveanewwebsitedesigner.WebsiteWillyiscreative,personableandhisfinalproductisexcellent.However,theissueisthatherarelydoeswhathesaysheisgoingtodowithinthetimeframeinwhichhesaysheisgoingtodoit.Tomakealongstoryshort,WebsiteWilly’slackoftimelyfollow-throughisdrivingyoucrazy.Yourjudgmentalinsidevoiceisranting,“Willyisovercommittedandsuper-disorganized.Seriously,doeshethinkhelivesonaplanetwheredeadlinesdon’tmatter?Howself-absorbeddoyouhavetobetothinkthattimeactuallystandsstillforyou?Idon’tknowhowhecopesintherealworld-itcertainlydoesn’tseemlikehe’scopingverywellatwork!”

Beforeyouletyourinsidevoicetotallytakecontrol,remindyourselftostickwiththecold,hardfacts.ItistruethatWebsiteWillytoldyouthathecandelivercertainelementsofthewebsitewithinacertaintimeframeandthathehasnotdonewhathehadpromisedonanumberofoccasions.Theproblemisthatyouarewastingtimefollowingupwithhimonthechangesthatyouhaverequested.Thebiggerconcernisthenewwebsitematerialisdelayed,whichcouldpotentiallyundermineyourcredibilitywithyourclients.Thesearethefactsinthreesentencesandyouhavecorrectlyidentifiedtheproblemthesefactsarecausing.Now,whatcouldyousaytoWilly?

“Willy,Iwanttotalktoyouaboutthewebsitedevelopment.Ihavebeenfrustratedlatelyastherehavebeenanumberofoccasionsinthelastmonthinwhichyoupromisedcertaincomponentsofthewebsiteandtheyhavenotbeendone.Ibelievethesehaveanegativeimpactontheprofessionalismofmy

website.Iamalsostartingtofeellikeyourmothernaggingyou.IknowIamnotenjoyingitandIsuspectyouaren’teither!Canwetalkaboutthis?”STOP

TALKING.(Timetohearhimout.)

BadBehavior:HelloAgain,LazyLinda!

Let’sgobackandtalktoLinda,yourcoworkerwhohasnotbeengettingherreportsdoneontime.Lindahasjustinformedyouthatsheissadlytoodarnbusytodoherportionoftheassignedreport,whichisduetobepresentedinonlyafewdays.Youarefuming.“Notime,mybutt!”yousaytoyourself.“Thisisjustlikeher.Shehadtimetotakealonglunchwithhernewboyfriend,butnotimetodoherwork.Really!”

Yourgrumblyinsidevoiceaside,youhaveheardLindawhispering“sweetnothings”onhercellphoneandseenhertextinglikeafiendallweek.Thisisnot

thefirsttimethishashappened;infactitisabitofapattern,especiallywhenthereisanewmaninherlife.Sowhatdoyoudo?Yougoaheadandfinishthereportyourselflikeyouhavedonemanytimesbefore.

Whatistheunderlyingissue,here?Iamsorrytosaythatyouareapartoftheproblem.Lindahaslearnedthatifshedoesnotstepuptotheplate,youwillbailherout.Althoughyouprobablyfeelhelplesseachtimethisissuepresentsitself,youdohavecontroloveryouractions.TheotherissueisthatLindadidnotdoherassignedsectionofthereport.Shehastoldyoushehasnotimetodoitandyetyouhaveseenwithyourowneyeswhatshedoesduringworkhours.Whenhavingtheconversation,youmaywanttoletLindaknowthatyouarefeelingfrustratedandresentfulabouthernotdoingherassignedportionofthereport.Hereisonewayyoucouldwordthistoughconversation:

“Linda,I’venoticedapatternwhenweworktogetheronreports.Onseveraloccasions,includingthisweek,youhavetoldmeyouaretoobusytoprovidetheinputforyourpartofthereport.IamfrustratedbecauseIseeyouspendingtimeonpersonalmattersandIendupdoingtheentirejobbecauseIdon’twantourgrouptolookbad.Iamworriedifwedon’tfigureoutawaytohandlethisgoing

forward,Iamgoingtobecomemoreresentfulanditisgoingtoaffectourworkingrelationship.”STOPTALKING.(Silenceispowerful.)

Whew!Thatisagoodonetohaveoverwith!NowLindaknowsherpatternsatworkareanissue.Wehavetoletpeopleknowhowtheirbehavioraffectsusifthereistobeanyhopethatthingswillchange.(Anoteofcaution:don’texpectinstantresults.Ourmessagessometimesneedspacetosinkin.)

ButIHaveNoTime!

Takingthetimetoseparatefactfromfictionbeforeyoulaunchintoaconversationthatyouanticipatewillbedifficultmayseemlikeawasteoftime,especiallyforthoseofyouwithTypeApersonalities(trustme,Icanrelate).Sometimesproblemsseemsoobviousthatyouareindignantatthethoughtofsquanderingevenmoreofyourtimeandenergyclarifyingthefacts,especiallyafterallthetimeandenergyyouhavealreadyspentworryingabouttheissueathand.

“Beforeanythingelse,preparationisthekeytosuccess.”

-AlexanderGrahamBell

Restassuredthatthepreparationyoudoupfrontisworthwhile;notonlywillithelpyoutoclarifywhatisatstakeandwhattheissuesare,itwillalsoensureyoudon’tblurtoutthefirstthingthatcomestomind.AsItellmysonandmynephew(whobickerlikesiblings),relationshipscannotalwaysbemendedwith“I’msorry,”sospendthetimetobeclearonwhetherthisisaconversationyouneedtohaveandwhy.

TopToolstoRecall:NailingDowntheRealIssue

-Untilyoucanidentifywhattheissueorproblemis,youcannotaddressit.Untilyouaddressityoucannotsolveit.-Discoveringtherealissueorproblemrequiresyoutoseparatefactfromfiction.-Negotiatingwithyour“insidevoice”andhavingamentaldumpofyourassumptions,beliefsandjudgmentswillhelpyougettothefacts-andyoumayfeellightertoo!-Getspecific:Askyourselfwhattheotherpersonisdoingornotdoing(justthefacts)thatiscausingaproblemforyouorothers.Summarizeforyourselfinthreesentencesorless.

Untilnow,youhavebeenadetectiveexaminingthecold,hardevidence.Withtheinformationyouhavegatheredyouhavedistilledtheissueorproblemintothreefactualsentencesorless.Youhavedealtwithyourinsidevoicetoquiettheconstantchatteringbyquestioningwhatyouhadfiledawayas“veryimportantandtrueinformation”(a.k.a.yourbeliefs,assumptionsandjudgments).Youmayhaveevenhadamentaldump.

Thenextstepistoclarifyyourgoalfortheconversation-whatyouareactuallyhopingtoachievebyhavingthistalk.Yourgoalwillbeyourguidinglightandsomethingyouwillwanttorevisitwhileyouarehavingtheconversation,ifandwhenthingsstarttoheatup.

Chapter4:HammerOutYourGoal

Chapterhighlights:

-Whatareyouhopingtoaccomplishbyhavingthisconversation?

-Focusonwhatyoucanachieve:Isyourgoalrealistic?

-Haveabackupplaniftheconversationgoessouroryoudon’tgetcooperationfromtheotherperson.

Beforeyouopenyourmouthtotalktosomeone,itisabsolutelyessentialthatyouaskyourselfwhatyouarehopingtoachieveinhavingthisconversation;inotherwords,whatisyourgoal?Youneedtofocusonwhatyoucando:somethingthatisrealistic,withinyourcontrolandproductive.Youalsoneedtothinkabouthavingaplaniftheconversationgoessidewaysoryoudonotgetcooperationfromtheotherperson.Askyourself,“Whatisthebottomlinehere?WhatcanIlivewith?”

Therealityisthatmanyofusgointodifficultconversationswithoutreallyknowingwhatwewanttogetoutofitorwhatwewilldoifwehittheditch(as

weinevitablydofromtimetotime).Wejustknowweneedtosaysomethingbecauseweareupset,irritatedorfrustrated.Wethinkaboutwhatwewanttheotherpersontodoandwethinkabouthowwewantthemtochange.

“Youcan’thitahomerununlessyoustepuptotheplate.Youcan’tcatchafishunlessyouputyourlineinthewater.Youcan’treachyourgoalsifyoudon’ttry.”

-KathySeligman[ix]

Wearesobusyworryingabouttheotherpersonthatwereallydon’tpayenoughattentiontowhatitisthatwereallywanttogainfromhavingthetalkinthefirstplace.Ifwedon’ttruly,clearlyknowwhatitisthatwewant,thentalkingtotheotherpersonispointlessbecausetherecannotbeaclearandproductivedirection.Theconversationramblesalongandwesaytoourselves,“Howdidweenduptalkingaboutthis?”or“Wheredidthingsgosoterriblywrong?”Ihavebeenthereanddonethattoomanytimes.RememberhowAlicefelldowntherabbitholebecauseshewanderedaroundwithoutanydirection?Havingclarityaboutyourgoalscanhelpyoutosteerclearofrabbitholes,ditches,landmines...yougettheidea.

ClarifyaProductiveGoal

Iftheintentofyourconversationistoberespectfulandhonest,thenyouareontherighttracktoaproductivegoal.Ifyouarehavingthetalkfortherightreasons-andyouarepreparedandwillingtobeopenandcuriousabouttheotherperson-thenchancesareincreasedthattheconversationwillturnouthowyouwantitto.(MyfriendScottiefromthisbook’sintroductionhasprovenittometimeandagain.)Bewarnedthatifyouarestillfumingaboutyourmostrecentaltercationattheoffice,youmaybetemptedtomaketheintentofyourconversationlessthanhonorable,saybyputtingtheoffendingpersondownorattemptingtoupsetthepersoninretaliationforhowupsetyouhavebeen.Iamheretotellyouthataslongasyourintentistosimplyventyouranger,youwillneverbeabletotrulygetwhatyouwantoutofadifficultconversation.Tomakereal,genuineprogress,youneedtofocusonwhatyoucanachieve,somethingthatisdoable,productiveandwithinyourcontrol.

Andwhatisthat,exactly?Well,youcanchoosewhatyoucommunicateandhowyoucommunicateit.Ifyouchoosewisely,thatshouldhelpgettheballrollingintherightdirection.Unfortunately,youcannotchangesomeoneelse’s

behavior,attitudesorreactions-butperhapsyouhavefiguredthatoutalready.Ifyoutrytochangepeople(asIregrettablyhave,moretimesthanI’dliketoadmit),Iguaranteeyouaregoingtohitabrickwalleventually.Peopleonlychangewhentheywanttoandtheyaremorelikelytomakechangesiftheyfeelthatwehavetreatedthemrespectfully.

TheBackupPlan

Partofgoalsettingiscreatingabackupplanincasetheconversationgoessouroryourmessagegoesinoneearandouttheother.Yourbackupplanwillgiveyouthebestchanceofhavingasuccessfulconversation.Youcannotcontrolhowsomeoneelseisgoingtoreactorbehaveasaresultofyourconversation,buthavingabackupplaninplacewillgiveyoutheconfidenceyouneedtostaythecourseifthingsbecomechallenging.Ifyoudonotgetcooperationfromtheotherpersonorifthingscontinuetogodownhill,thenthebackupplanisyourtrumpcard.Itallowsyoutohavetheconversationwiththeknowledgethatyouarenotdependentontheotherperson’scooperation,whichmakesyoufarlesslikelytocomeacrossasdesperate,whinyoraggressive.

HelpfulHint:TheKeytoCreatingYourBackupPlan

Ensurethat:

1.Yourbackupplandoesnotrelyontheotherperson’scooperation;and2.Yourbackupplanissomethingyoucanlivewith.Behonestwithyourselfhere!

If,duringtheconversation,youchosetorevealyourbackupplantotheotherperson,bepreparedtofollowthroughwithit.Takealookatthefollowingcautionarytale:

Youhavejustemphaticallytoldyourclientthattherearegoingtobenomorespecialrequestsorrushorders,onlytohaveacallfromthemthefollowingdayaskingyoutosqueezeinonemorerushorder.Theypromisethatthisisthelasttime(buthaven’tyouheardthatbefore?)andyoupredictablycaveaftersomebegging,takingontheircrisisasyourown.Uhoh-youhavejustreinforcedthatyour“no”isnotreallya“no;”infactitsoundsanawfullotlikeabigfat“yes!”Ifthisisthepatternyousetforyourself,youareultimatelynever

goingtogetwhatyouwantoutofyourtoughconversationsbecauseyouareunderminingyourselfbynotcommittingtoyourbackupplan.

Thekeytohavingasolidbackupplanistomakesureitissomethingthatyouabsolutely100%canfollowthroughonwithoutwaffling.Thismustbetruewhetheryoutelltheotherpersonyourplanornot.Intheexamplewejustlookedatwiththebeggingcustomer,yourbackupplanmightbetofollowyourstandardoperatingprocedureofthreedaystoprocessanorder.Toimplementyourbackupplan,youmustcalmlyandconfidentlymakeyourdecisionscleartoyourcustomerwithan“ABCmessage”(moreonABCmessagesinsteptwoof“TamingtheElephantintheOffice,”startinginchaptersix).

Hereisonewayyoumightreinforceyourbackupplan:

“YouknowthatIvalueyouasaclientandIwanttoprovidethebestpossibleservice.ThewayIcandothatandensureefficiencyandfairnessforallofmyclientsisbyguaranteeingathree-dayturnaroundtimeonallorders.Icanhavethisordertoyouwithinthreedays.”STOPTALKING.(Ifyoudon’t,youwill

inevitablyshootyourselfinthefoot.)

Let’slookatsomeworksituationstoseehowaclear,productivegoalandarealisticbackupplanfortheconversationwillhelpthingsstayfocused.

DeliveringSensitiveNews:BadBreathBetty

Yourcolleague,Betty,hasterriblebreath.Youworktogetheronprojectsandthesmellisreallybotheringyou.Youofferhergumconstantly.Youevenboughtmouthwashandputitonyourdeskaspartofaningeniousplan:youusethemouthwashregularlyandmakesuretotellBettyaboutitsamazingeffectivenessanddeliciousflavor,inhopesshewillpickuponyourclues.Sadly,yourless-than-subtlehintshavenotworked.

“Nothingwilleverbeattemptedifallpossibleobjectionsmustfirstbeovercome.”

-SamuelJohnson

Okay,sowhatistheproblem?YouhavenoticedthatBettyhasbadbreath.Yourgoalfortheconversationistosensitivelyletherknow(inacaringbut

honestway)thatyouhavenoticedherbadbreathbecauseyoubelieveshedeservestoknowandalsobecauseyoudesperatelycravealesssmellycoworker.Doyouneedabackupplan?Thatdepends.IfBettyisyoursecretaryandsheisdealingwiththepublic,youmightneedabackupplan,suchasmovingherintothebackpartoftheoffice,ifthingsdon’timprove.Ifsheisacolleaguethenyoulikelyjustwanttoletherknowaboutherbadbreath.Inthiscase,abackupplanisnotneededbecauseyoudonothaveanyreasonablemeansofmotivatingBettytocorrectherbadbreathissuebeyondlettingherknowitisunpleasant.

HowcanyousaysomethingtoBetty?

“Betty,Ihavesomethingtosayanditisabitawkward.Ihavenoticedthelastfewtimeswehavemetthatyouhavehadbadbreath.Iknowifitwereme,Iwouldwantsomeonetotellme.”STOPTALKING.(Sayinganythingmorewill

justprolongthepain.)

DeliveringBadorSadNews:BelovedBoss

OneofthemostdifficultconversationsIhadwastellingoneofmybelovedbossesthatIwasleavingthefirmandmovingtoLosAngelestofollowmysoon-to-behubbyandhiscareer.Myhubbykeptasking,“Haveyoutoldhimyet?”IkeptputtingofftheconversationuntilIfeltlikeIwasgettinganulcer.

Whywasitsodifficulttohavethisconversation?Well,IlovedmyjobandIdidn’twanttoletmybossandmycoworkersdown.Also,Ididn’twanttobeseenasjustanotherwomanwholeftagreatjobforaman.IreallyviewedmyselfasacareerwomanandIwasnotgoingtoselloutforamanormotherhood(Iwasanaïve20-something).Theinternalconflictwaskillingme.Whatmadedeliveringthismessagesotrickywasmyownidentitycrisisaboutwhatleavingreallysaidaboutmeandwhatitmeanttome.Thegoalwasveryclear:tellmybossIwasleaving.IdidalsowanttolethimknowthatithadbeenadifficultdecisionandIwouldreallymisshimandtherestoftheteam.

Herewasmymessagetohim:

“Idon’tknowhowtosaythis,soIamjustgoingtoblurtitout:IamleavingthefirmasIhavedecidedtofollowmyfiancétoLosAngeleswhereheispursuingfellowshiptraining.ThisisoneofthemostdifficultdecisionsIhavehadtomake.

Iamreallygoingtomissthisplace.”

ThenIfollowedmyownadviceandsimplystoppedtalking.Otherwise,ImayhaveagreedtosomethingIdidn’twanttodo-likeworkremotelyorstayonforlongerthanIwantedtohelptrainareplacement.

DealingWithRudeorDisrespectfulBehavior:ColorfulCal

Imagineyourboss,Cal,lovestousecolorfulandwhatyouregardtobeinappropriatelanguage.Yourgoalintalkingtohimmaybejusttolethimknowthatwhenheusesthiskindoflanguage,youfeeluncomfortable.Itisaboutlettinghimknowtheimpactofhisbehavioronyou.Itmightbethatsimple-nothingmore,nothingless.Itisreallyaboutassertingyourselfandspeakingyourmindwithoutnecessarilyexpectinganythingconcreteinreturn.

Ifhisbehaviorisreallyupsettingtoyouandyoudon’tseeanyimprovement,yourbackupplanmaybetoleavemeetingswhenhestartsusinglanguagethatmakesyouuncomfortableor,intheextreme,youcouldgotoHumanResourcesandasktobetransferredtoadifferentdepartment.ItisunlikelyinthisfirstconversationthatyouwouldsayanythingtoCalaboutyourbackupplan.Havingabackupplanisreallyaboutgivingyoupeaceofmindsoyoudon’tavoidhavinganawkwardconversation,asopposedtousingittocoerceorthreatensomeoneintochanging(whichcoulddefinitelybackfire,especiallywithyourboss).

Hereissomethingyoumightsay:

“Cal,Idon’twanttobedifficult,butIwantedtoletyouknowthatIfeeluncomfortablewhenyouswearinourmeetings.Iwouldappreciateitifyoudidnotuseprofanitiesinfrontofme.”STOPTALKING.(Rememberthatbrevityis

powerful.)

DealingWithPoorPerformance:One-TaskTammy

Imagineyouhaveinheritedanemployeewhohasbeeninherjobalongtimeandyetisonlyabletoperformthemostbasicfunctions.Herinabilitytodoeverythingherjobentailshasneverbeenproperlyaddressed.Youknowthisisaffectingtherestoftheteambecausetheyhavebeen(reluctantly)pickinguptheslack.Nowresentmentisbuildingasworkloadsincrease.YourgoalintalkingtoTammyistoletherknowyourexpectationthatshemustbeabletodoallofher

jobfunctions.YouareconcernedthatyoumaybetryingtoputaBand-Aidonahemorrhage,butyoufeelsheatleastdeservesachance.Youdecideyouarewillingtoofferherretrainingwithaconcreteactionplan,ifshethinksthatwillhelp,oryoucangivehertheoptiontobetransferredtoamorejuniorpositioninthemailroom.Yourbackupplanmaybeultimatelytodemoteher.

Here’swhatyoumightsaytoTammy:

“Tammy,Iwanttoletyouknowthatmyexpectationsgoingforwardarethatyouareabletodoallpartsofthisjob.Iamwillingtoarrangesomeretrainingwithaconcreteplanforfollow-up,orIcanofferyouapositioninthemailroom.Thedecisionofwhatyouwouldliketodoisyours.Doyouhaveanythoughtsorquestionsaboutthis?”STOPTALKING.(Youmayundermineyourmessageif

youkeepyacking.)

SayingNo:SnowDaySue

Youworkdowntownandsomeemployeescommutelongdistances.Onedayitbeginstosnowheavily;predictably,trafficissnarledandpublictransportationisatastandstill.Youadviseyourstaffthatthosewhoneedtoleaveearlycandoso,buttheofficewillremainopen.Severalcommutersasktoleaveanhourortwoearly,includingSue,whomyouknowlivesclosetotheofficeandwalkstoworkeveryday.Youhadanticipatedthisrequest;itwouldn’tbethefirsttimethatSuehadusedaninappropriateexcusetogetoutofworkearly.(Oops,quietthatinsidevoice!)

Asfarasyourgoalfortheconversation,youarequiteclearthatyouwanttotellSuethatno,shecan’tleaveworkearly.Yourbackupplanistoofferherunpaidtimeoffifsheinsistsonleavingearly.Ultimately,havingthisbackupplangivesyouthestrengthtostandfirm,evenunderheranticipatedopposition.

HowmightyousaynotoSnowDaySue?

“Sue,Ineedyoutobeoneoftheteamthatstaysintheofficeuntiltheendoftheday.Ifyouwon’tstay,thenIwillbeaskingyoutotakethetimeoffwithoutpay.”

STOPTALKING.(Thereisnothingmoretosay.)

SummingUp

Akeytogoalsettingistothinkthroughwhatyouwilldoiftheconversationgoessourorifyoudonotgetcooperationfromtheotherperson.Thiswillhelpyoutoformulateasolidbackupplan.Rememberthatabackupplanisn’tabackupplanunlessyoureallymeantofollowthrough.Donotthreatentoquit,reportsomebody,firesomebodyoranythingelseunlessyoureallywoulddoit.Makesureyoucanlivewiththeconsequencesofyourbackupplan.Yourcredibilityandyourself-esteemareontheline;plus,ifyourevealabackupplanyoureallydon’tintendtoputintoaction,youmayendupbackingyourselfintoacornerorputtingyourselfinanotherwiseextremelydifficultsituation.

TopToolstoRecall:HammeringOutYourGoal

-Yourgoalshouldbedoable,productiveandsomethingthatiswithinyourcontrol.-Haveabackupplaniftheconversationbottomsout;itwillgiveyouthecouragetospeakupwithconfidence.-Yourbackupplanshouldnotbedependentontheotherperson’scooperation.

Sometimes,whenwearethinkingaboutourprimarygoalforadifficultconversation,whatwereallywanttodoiscontroltheotherpersonortheoutcome,somehowforcethatpersontochange,orcriticize,guiltorshametheotherpersoninretaliationforourownhurtfeelings.Let’sbehonesthere:ifeveryonewouldjustagreewithusorifnoone’sfeelingswereontheline,theseconversationswouldreallynotbethattough!

“Withoutgoalsandplanstoreachthem,youarelikeashipthathassetsailwithnodestination.”

-FitzhughDodson[x]

Thereisarealdangerthatyoumaysecretly(orevenunconsciously)haveanunproductivegoalforyourdifficultconversation,whichwillprettymuchguaranteethatthingswillgobadly.Havingunproductivegoalsonlypreventsusfromgettingwhatwereallyneedfromourtoughtalks.Inthenextchapter,wewillbeuncoveringsomeofthepotentialpitfallsofunproductivegoalsandhowyoucansidestepthem.

Chapter5:ResisttheTemptation

Chapterhighlights:

-Losetheurgetocontrolorchangetheotherperson.

-Forgettryingtoprovethatyouare“right.”

-Resistthedesiretosneakilyinsultorunderminetheotherperson.

-Letgoofanyexpectationsofavoidinganegativereactiontoyourtoughconversation.

Oneofthebiggestpitfallswetumbleintoinourtoughtalksiswhenthereisadisconnectbetweenwhatwesaywewanttogetoutoftheconversationandwhatwesecretlyhopetoachieve.Rememberatruegoalshouldberealistic,honestandproductive.Ifyouaretryingtocontroltheotherperson,makethemchange,proveyouareright,preventthemfromhavinganegativereaction,makeasneakydig(ortwo)orgetbackatthem,letmetellyourightnowthatthesearenotthekindsofgoalsthatwillleadtosuccess.Thisisyourdesireforcontrol,

yourhurtfeelingsoryourwoundedegotakingoverthesituation.IknowbecauseIamspeakingfromexperience.Itwillbeobviousifyouhavemadeanyoftheaboveyour“realgoals”fortheconversation;respectwillvanishandthingswillgosideways,justwhatyouhadoriginallyfearedanddesperatelywantedtoavoid.

LosetheUrgetoControltheOtherPerson

Controlisgoodinsomepartsofyourlife(pantyhose,Spandex,yourcrazyimpulses...).However,whenyourgoalistotrytocontrolothersbychangingthem,makingthem“seethelight,”deliveringultimatumsortryingtopreventthemfrombeingupset,yourconversationisdoomed.ThereareafewtruthswhenitcomestothesetoughtalksandIremindmyselfaboutthemonaregularbasis:

1.Youcan’tcontrolsomeoneelse’sreaction.

Oftenwhenyougointotheseconversations,thelastthingyouwanttodoishurtorupsettheotherperson.However,youcannotmake“beingnice”yourgoalbecauseitwillinevitablyinterferewithyourabilitytocommunicateinastraightforwardandhonestway.Youendupdoctoringyourmessageasyoutrytocushiontheblowandcontroltheotherperson’sreactions.Youhopetheotherpersonwillsmileandbehappyandnotseeyouasanunkind,pettyordifficultperson.Whenyouareconcernyourselfwithpreservingyourownimageasaniceandreasonableperson,chancesareyouaren’tcommunicatinginaclearandhonestway.

Thinkofthelasttimeyoudidn’tgetajoboryouweren’tchosenforaproject.Thepersonstartsinwithabig,longsonganddanceabouthowgreatyouare,howyouarejustsoamazingandthatthedecision,well,itreallywasn’tpersonal.Doesn’titjustfeelsoinsincere?Whenpeoplespinstories,myB.S.metergoesoffbigtimeandIfeelthattheyaremoreconcernedwithpreservingtheirimageasanicepersonand/ortryingtopreventmefrombeingupsetthanwithbeinghonestandstraightwithme.Iloserespectforthem.Thelessonisnottotrytocushionthebloworpreventtheotherpersonfromgettingupsetbecauseitwillonlyaggravatehimorhermore.PeoplehaveprettysensitiveB.S.metersandIpromiseyou,theywillcatchon-andinsteadoflookinglike“theniceguy,”whichwasthereasonyoustartedalteringyourmessageinthefirstplace,youenduplookingworsethanifyouhadjustbeenstraightforwardfromthe

start.

“Whatmakesresistingtemptationdifficultformanypeopleistheydon’twanttodiscourageitcompletely.”

-FranklinP.Jones[xi]

Let’stakeaspecificworkplaceexampleofwhenwemaybetemptedtotrytopreventtheotherpersonfromhavinganegativeemotionalreaction:

Imagineyouareamanagerwhoneedstotellyourhardworkingemployee,Gail,thatdespiteyourassurancesandheroutstandingperformancereviews,sheactuallydidnotgetthepromotionthatshewasexpecting.Why?Becausesomeonefromheadofficewithsenioritydecidedtomovetoyourregionandshewantsthejob.Itistherightdecisionfortheorganization,butyouareworriedthatGailwillbedevastated.Now,youtellyourselfthatthedecisionwasoutofyourcontrol(anditreallywas);however,youstillhadledGailtobelievethatshewasashoo-inforthejob.Youfeelsickaboutitandyouneedtotellher.Youareworriedthatshemightstartcrying.Shehasdonethatbeforeanditmakesyousquirm-soyoutrytopreventherfrombeingupsetandyousay:

“Gail,youknowthatIthinkyouarefabulousandyouaredoinganamazingjob.Well,thereisnoeasywaytotellyouthis:Lisafromheadofficehasdecidedtomovetoourregionand,givenherexperienceandseniority,shewantstotakethepositionyouwereapplyingfor.Ihadnowayofknowingthatthiswouldhappenanditisreallyoutofmycontrol.Iknowthattherewillbemanyopportunitiesforsomebodywithyourtalent.Maybewecanworkonyourperformanceplanandgoalsettingsothatyouwillbereadywhenmoreopportunitiescome.Ijustthinkyouaresogreat.TobehonestIdon’tthinkthereisanyreasontobeupset;Ibet

somethingevenbetterisjustaroundthecorner!”

Ugh!Now,Gailmaybeacrier,butshe’snodummyandthismessageisnotthestraightgoods.Yourfeebleattempttopreserveyourimageas“thegoodguy”willshinethroughandallitdoesisundermineyourrelationshipwithGail.Themessagejustdoesn’tcomeacrossasgenuine.Bycontrast,thefollowingmessagedoesabetterjobatdeliveringatoughmessage:

“Gail,thereisnoeasywaytosaythis.Youdidnotgetthepromotionyouwere

hopingfor.Lisafromheadofficehasdecidedtomovetoourregionandshehasbeengiventheposition.Ihadnoideathatthiswasapossibility.Iapologize.Thismustbetoughnews.”STOPTALKING.(Letthemessagesinkin.)

YoucantalkaboutGail’sfutureopportunitiesatalatertime.Rightnowshejustneedstoprocessthethenews,newsthatreallycan’tbesugarcoated-soitisbestnottotry.

2.Youcan’tchangeanyone.

Ifyourgoalistomaketheotherpersonchange,forgetit.Peoplewillonlychangewhenandiftheywantto.Iftheyaretoldsomethingiswrongwiththem,theydigtheirheelsinandgoonthedefensiveimmediately.Thinkaboutthelasttimesomeonetriedtomakeyouchange:Whatwasyourreaction?Didyouacceptthecriticismwithopenarmsorputupafight(inwardlyifnotoutwardly)?Probably,youwerenotoverlyaccommodating.Itsimplyisnotrealistictoexpectthetargetofyourdiscontenttorolloverandchangejustbecauseyouasked.Youwillgetbetterresultswithamorerealisticapproach.

Justtobeclearhere:knowingyoucannotchangesomebodydoesnotmeanthatyouhavetoputupwithpoorbehaviororperformance.Itmeansthatyouhavetoletpeopleknowyourconcernsaswellasyourexpectations,andthenleaveituptothemtodecidewhattheydowiththeinformation.Youarecomingfromtheperspectiveof“theydeservetoknow”and,whileyoucan’tcontrolanyone,youcancontrolhowyoudeliverthemessageanddevelopabackupplanforiftheconversationgoessouroryoudon’tgetanycooperationfromtheotherperson.

Hereisaprettyubiquitousscenario:Imaginethatyourdisorganizedboss,Dennis,lovestoholdimpromptumeetingsattheendoftheday,whichinevitablymakesyoumissyourlastconnectingbushome.Naturally,therearetimeswhenweallwishwecouldchangeourbossandsecretly,yourgoalmaybethatDennismagicallytransformsintoamoreorganized,morethoughtfulboss-butweknowit’snotgoingtohappen,right?

Insteadofthis:

“Dennis,youareagreatbossandIloveworkingwithyou.Ijustwishthatyouwouldbealittlemoreorganized;itwouldbereallyhelpfultome.Idon’tminddoingtheextraworkbutifyoucouldjustthinkaboutwhathastogetdone

earlierintheday,thatwouldreallybegreat.”

Don’texpectalotofchangeifyousaysomethinglikethisbecauseyouhaven’tbeenclearaboutyourexpectationsorconcernsregardingDennis’disorganization.Whatisinyourcontrolistosharetheimpactofhisactionsonyouandinformhimofyourplans.

Trysayingthisinstead:

“Dennis,IwantedtoletyouknowthatIwillbeleavingtheofficenolaterthan5:00pminordertocatchmylastconnectingbushome.Ifyouwouldliketohaveameetingwithme,itneedstobeconcludedbythattimeasIamnolongerable

tostaylate.”STOPTALKING(oryourisksabotagingyourmessage).

Now,youcan’tforceDennistoseethingsyourway,butthekeyhereisthatwhenyoucommunicateaboundaryorexpectation,itisabsolutelyessentialthatyoufollowthroughonit.Otherwise,theimpactofyourconversationwillgetthrownoutthewindow.

3.Puttingsomeonedownisnottherighttack.

IworkedonaninterestingcasemanyyearsagounderthetutelageofaseniorlawyerIwillcall“HarvtheHumiliator.”Iwasayounglawyerandstilllearning,butIworkedhard,wasverydiligentandtookmyworkveryseriously.Asweapproachedthetrialdate,weenteredintosettlementnegotiations,asisoftenthecase,andeventuallythecasesettledoutofcourt.Asthejuniorlawyeronthefile(a.k.a.thegopher),Ididalloftheresearchandotheruninterestingtasks.Afterthecasesettled,Harvcalledmeintohisofficeforadebriefandstartedtoquestionmeonmyresearchforthecase.Tomyembarrassment,theconversationwentsomethinglikethis:

Harv:Diane,youdidtheresearchonthecase,right?

Me:Yes.

MyInsideVoice:Uhoh,whattheheckisgoingonhere?Whywouldheevenaskmeaquestionlikethat?

Harv:Canyoutellmeifyoulookedatalloftherelevantcases?

Me:Yes,Idid.

MyInsideVoice:DidIdosomethingwrong?Whyishedoingthisnow?

Harv:Icanassumeyoulookedupcaseswithsimilarinjuriestothiscomplainant.Isthatcorrect?

Me:Yes.

MyInsideVoice:Ohman,whatdidImiss?Thisdoesnotsoundgood!

Harvthenpulledoutabookofcasesfromhisshelf,flippedtoapreviouslymarkedpageandsaid,“Didyouhappentofindthiscase,Diane?”

Bythispoint,myfacewasallredandhot;IwassoscrambledthatIquicklylookedoverthepagesinfrontofmeandsaidquietly,“Idon’tthinkso.”

Myinsidevoicewasscreaming,“Whatajerk!Thiscaseisn’trelevantanyway!”Ofcourse,Iwasfeelingdefensivebecausehehadjustquestionedmycompetencebigtime.

ThenHarvsaid,“Well,opposingcounselthinksthisisanimportantcase.Itshouldhavebeenincludedinyourresearch,ifyouhadmanagedtofindit.”Justlikethat,Iwasdismissedlikeapoorlypreparedschoolgirl.

Iwashumiliatedandtalkedtoanyonewhowouldlistenabouthowmisguided,arrogantandcondescendingHarvwas.Idugmyheelsinabouthowwronghewasand,ofcourse,howrightIwas.Myresearchwassound;hedidn’thavehisfactsstraight.Ireviewedthecaseanditwasnotrelevant.Theotherlawyerwastheonewhomessedup,notme!Theresult?IlearnednothingandHarvwasnow“difficult”inmybooks.

AsIreflectbackmanyyearslater,IthinkmaybeHarvhadsomevalidconcernsabouthowIhadapproachedmyresearch.Theproblemwashowhebroachedit.Ifhisgoalfortheconversationwastohumiliateme,thenhesucceeded.Ifhisgoalwastohavemespendtime(hewaspayingmeafterall)tocomplainabouthimbehindhisback,thenhedefinitelysucceededthere!IfhisgoalwastofindouthowIwentaboutmyresearchtoidentifygapsinmyprocessandgivemeanopportunitytolearnforthefuture,thenhefailedmiserably.

IfIHadaDo-Over...

Okay,wecan’tchangeothers.Wecanonlychangeourselvesandthat,my

friends,isnoeasytask.IremindmyselfthatImayseemyselfwithlotsofgreyhairbeforeIseeotherpeoplechangeso,ifIwantaction,Ineedtotakeactionmyself.Atthatearlierstageinmylifeandmycareer,Ichosethe“avoid-complain”option,whichwasnotproductiveforanyoneinvolved,especiallysinceIcaredalotaboutmyreputationasaconscientiousworker.ToobadIdidn’tknowaboutthetwo-minutewhinerulebackthenbecause,asyoucaneasilyguess,Ididalotofwhiningbutnothingwasactuallyresolved.

“Whenyoucan’tchangethedirectionofthewind,adjustyoursails.”

-H.JacksonBrownJr.[xii]

So,whatcouldIhavedone?Afterthemeeting,Ishouldhavetakenabitoftimetocooloffandengageinatwo-minutewhinewithabuddy.(Remember,twominutesofcomplainingandthendevelopanactionplantodealwiththeissue.)ThenIshouldhavepreparedmyselfforaconversationwithHarvtolethimknowhowhisbehaviorhadaffectedme.Stepone:ignoremywhininginsidevoicenatteringawayabouthisarroganceandrudeness.Steptwo:stiflemyassumptions,“hot”languageandjudgmentsaboutmybossbecausetheycertainlywouldn’timproveourworkingrelationship.Stepthree:lethimknowhowhisbehaviorhadaffectedme.Mygoalsintalkingtohimcouldhavebeentolethimknow(a)thatIwasembarrassedbyhowhehadspokentomeaboutmyworkonthefileand(b)thatIcareaboutdoingagoodjobandtakeconcernsorcriticismsaboutmyworkseriously.

Icouldhavesaidsomethinglikethis:

“Iwaswonderingifwecouldtalkaboutthemeetingwehadtheotherday.Whenyoucalledmeintoyouroffice,askedmeanumberofquestionsaboutmy

researchandthenpulledthecaseofftheshelfandaskedmeifIhadseenit,Iwastakenaback.IhadthesensethatyouthoughtIreallymessedup.Iamnotsurewhatyourintentionswere,butIfelthumiliated.IneedyoutoknowthatItakemyworkseriouslyandIhavealotofprideinwhatIdo.Couldwetalk

aboutanysuggestionsyouhaveabouthowIshouldbegoingaboutmyresearchtomakesurethatIamdoingwhatisnecessary?STOPTALKING(timetolisten).

LaterIcouldhavestatedmyviewsontherelevanceofthecase.Thiswasnotthetime;doingsowouldhaveonlygottenHarv’sbackup.

Thebottomline:Ifyour“realgoal”isanunproductiveone,suchasputtingsomeonedownortryingtohumiliatethem,yourconversationwillinevitablybackfire.Alsokeepinmindthatitdoesnotmatterwhichsideoftheconflictyouareon;youhavemorepowerthanyouthinkandyoucanusetheconversationtoolsinthisbooktogetwhatyouneedintheworkplace.Don’twaitforotherstochange.Takechargeanddon’tmissanopportunityto“cleartheair.”Straightforwardandhonestisalwaysbest.

TopToolstoRecall:ResistingUnproductiveGoals

-Ifyourgoalistochangesomeone,proveyouareright,makethem“seethelight,”preventthemfrombeingupset,preserveyourownimageormakeadig,theconversationisnotgoingtogowell.-Makesurethatyourgoalisactuallyproductiveandnotaboutprotectingyourownegoorsomeoneelse’s.-Evenifyoustifleunproductivegoalsforatime,theywilleventuallyleakoutinyourbodylanguageorwithsomeunkindquipanditwillbackfire!Haveanhonesttalkwithyourselfsothatyoucanletgoofanyhiddenagendasandunproductivegoalsthatrisksabotagingyourrealgoalforyourtoughtalk.

Congratulations!Nowyouknowwhatyouneedtodotoprepareforatoughconversation:youhavenaileddowntheissueandhammeredoutyourgoal.Youhavelearnedthatavoidingtheconversationwilljustcreatestressandsleeplessnights,butnotgiveyouanoutcomeyouactuallywant.

Allright,soyouaredeterminedtohavethisconversation,butyouarewondering,“Yeah,buthowamIactuallygoingtosayit?”Comingupnextaresomeveryimportanttoolstogiveyoutheconfidenceyouneed.Iffeariswhathasbeenholdingyouback,getreadytolosethatexcuse,too!Youareabouttoempoweryourselftocommunicatewithclarity.Let’sgo!

Step2:DesignandDeliverYour“ABCMessage”

Chapter6:DesigningYourABCMessage

Chapter7:DeliveringYourABCMessage

Chapter6:DesigningYourABCMessage

Chapterhighlights:

-Accurate:Sticktothefacts,use“I”statementsandavoid“hot,”judgmentallanguage.

-Brief:Lessismore-deliveryourmessagein30secondsorless.

-Clear:Getstraighttotheheartofthematter.

Nowwearegettingtothemeatandpotatoesofthebook-creatingtherightmessage.Youwanttocraftmessagesthatareaccurate,briefandclear-yourABCmessage-andthosemessagesshoulddescribewhatyousaw,heardandexperienced.Itisaboutgivingpeoplethestraightgoodsinawaythatisrespectfulandnonjudgmental.RememberhowScottietalkedtomeaboutmybehaviorwhenIwasgettingalaughatsomeoneelse’sexpense?Hedidn’tsay,“Diane,youaresorude!”or“Diane,Ican’tbelievehowdisrespectfulyouare,”or“Diane,youaretotallyoutofline.”InsteadhesaidthathewasuncomfortablewithwhatIhadsaid.Thereisabigdifferencebecausehemadehismessageabouthimratherthanitbeingaboutcriticizingme.

“Iampreparedtogoanywhere,provideditbeforward.”

-DavidLivingstone[xiii]

TheotherelementofagoodABCmessageisthatpeoplewouldratherhavethestraightgoodsthanhaveyou“spin”thingsoravoidissuesaltogether.Theyalsowanttohearyourmessagenow,notayearfromnowwhenmemorieshavefaded.Theydonotwanttotryandinterpretitorfigureoutwhatyourpointisbecauseitwasburiedinthemiddleofalong-windedandconfusingspeech.Thereisnothingworsefortheotherpersonthanexpectingtheaxtofallandthen,bytheendofyourmessage,notevenbeingsureofwhatyouweretryingtosay.

ALittleInspiration

WhenIfirststartedtryingtoimprovemycommunicationskills,Ifeltreallyapprehensiveanduncomfortable,soIwrotedownaformulaformymessages

thatScottiehadsharedwithme.[xiv]

Itwentlikethis:

IFEEL…(insertfeeling)WHENYOU…(insertfact)BECAUSE…(insertreason)

IsharedthisformulawithmyfamilyandcolleaguesandsoonwewereallpracticingScottie’sformulaoneachother.Theonlyproblemwasthatformeitwentsomethinglikethis:Ifeltembarrassed(check!)whenyoutoldmemyworkwasbelowstandard(check!)becauseyouareanarrogantknow-it-allwhodidn’ttakethetimetoappreciatemyhardwork(oops!).Youcanseewherethiswentofftherails:the“because”wasfollowedbyjudgmentorblame.Throughmuchtrialanderror,Ihavelearnedtobeabletodelivermymessagegenuinelywithoutaformulainhandbecause,let’sfaceit,noformulaworksforeverysituation(althoughitcancertainlyhelpyougetstarted).ItakeownershipofthestatementsImakeandIdonotassumebadintentionsonthepartoftheotherperson(atleastonmygooddays!).Remembertoresistthetemptationtoputtheotherpersondown;yourresultswillalwaysbebetterwhenyoutakethehighroad.

NowIcansay:

“IfeltembarrassedwhenyoutoldmemyreportwasbelowstandardbecauseItakeprideinmyworkanditisimportanttomethatitiswelldone.Canwetalk

aboutwhatwasmissingfromyourperspective?”

Muchbetter!Infact,Igivemyselfagreatbiggoldstarforthatmessage!ThedifferenceisthatIamtakingownershipofmyreason(“Itakeprideinmywork”)versusblamingtheotherpersonformyembarrassment(“youareanarrogantknow-it-all”).AndI’mtellingyou,ifthereishopeforme,thereishopeforeveryone!Craftingyourmessagedoesnothavetofeelimpossible,onceyouknowyour“ABCs.”

NutsandBoltsoftheABCMethod

“A”isfor“Accurate”

Messagesshouldbeaccurate.Thatmeansnoexaggeration!Youarenotwritingathriller,creatingasoapoperaordevelopingaBroadwayplay.Yourreallifedramahasalloftheexcitementyouneed,trustme.Beabsolutelyclearinyourownmindwhatso-called“facts”andfeelingsareassociatedwithyoursubjective,judgmentalandtemperamentalinsidevoice.Youhavealreadyhadthisdiscussiononcewiththatnatteringvoiceinyourheadwhenyouidentifiedtherealissue,sobecarefulnottoletyourinsidevoicebecomeyouroutsidevoicewhenitcomestimetoactuallyspeaktotheotherperson.

Hereisyour“A”toolkit:

1.Sticktothefacts.

Rememberyourassumptions,interpretationsandjudgmentsarenotfacts,evenifeveryoneagreeswithyou.Youhavetonegotiatewithyourjudgmental,know-it-allinsidevoicesoyoucanseparatefactfromfiction.IlovethisexamplethatIuseinmyworkshops:Iaskthegroup,“IsitafactthatRogerFedererisagreattennisplayer?”Theanswerisalmostalwaysaresounding“yes”-butthenagain,whatdoes“great”meananyway?AfactualstatementisthatRogerFedererhaswon17GrandSlams(atleastthatwasthecasewhenIwrotethisbook),but“great”isasubjectivedescriptionofRogerFederer,asopposedtobeingatruefact.

Welovetostateouropinionsasfacts,butsayingsomethingisafactdoesnotmakeitso,eveniflotsofpeopleagreewithus.Factualstatementsmay

soundlikethis:

-Jackarrivedbetweenfiveandtenminuteslateforourlastthreemeetings(asopposedto:“Jackmustneedanewwatchbecauseheisneverontime”).

-Jenniferdidnotmeetservicestandardsthisweek(insteadof:“Jennifermustnotcareaboutherclientsatall;shealwayskeepsthemwaiting”).

-Suzyhascalledinsick10timesthismonth(versus:“Gee,Suzyisillagain?Whatasurprise!Sheobviouslydoesnottakeherjobveryseriously”).

Duringoneofmyworkshops,aparticipantwaspreparingforatoughconversation.Shewastryingtolookatthefactsandtoldme,“Okay,thefactisthatheisdifficult.”Shewasgenuinelyconvincedthatthiswasanaccurateandfactualstatement.Butwasit?Notatall.Statementslikethesearesubjectiveanddon’tgettotheheartofthematter.

Iaskedher,“Whatdidthispersonactuallydothatledyoutotheconclusionthatheisdifficult?”

Shewasemphaticandrepeated,“Heisjustdifficultandeveryoneknowsit.”Now,inhermind,shehadbackedupthat“fact”withtheevidencethat“everyoneknowsit,”whichgaveherconfidencethatshewasrightandIjustdidn’tgetit.Buthowcanshehaveaproductiveconversationwhentheonly“fact”shecanofferisgoingtogetthisguy’sbackup?

Sowhatwouldbeastatementbasedonfact?Howabout:“IfinditverydifficulttoworkwithJohnbecauseheoftenchangeshismindaboutthedirectionontheproject,forexamplelastweekwhenhe...”Nowthatdeservesagoldstar!

2.Use“I”statementswheneverpossible.

“Ithink,”“Iam,”“Iwant,”“Ibelieve,”“Ineed”and“Ifeel”canallmakegoodstartstogreat“I”statements.Hereareafewexamplesforyou:

-Ithinkitisimportantforeveryonetohaveanopportunitytobeheard.IwouldliketogiveJamestheopportunitytofinishsharinghisideas.

-Iamconcernedabouttakingthatpositionwiththeclient.

-Iwanteveryonetopresentattheupcomingconference.

-Ibelieveweneedtolookatsomeotheroptionsheretomakethebestandmostinformeddecision.

-Ineedtohaveeveryoneonboardwiththischangeinitiative.

-IfeltupsetwhenyoutoldTomaboutourdisagreement.Ithoughtthatthematterwasprivate.

Using“I”statementsallowsyoutoshareyouropinionsandfeelings,butitisimportantthatyouuse“I”statementsresponsibly.Weoftensay“Ifeel”inbroadsweepingstatementsthatreallyhavenothingtodowithfeelings.

Forexample:

-Ifeelitisinappropriatetosendtextmessagesinmeetings.

-Ifeellikeyoudon’tcareaboutmydevelopmentinmyroleassupervisor.

-Ifeelyouareajerk.

-Ifeelyoudon’tappreciateanythingIdoforyou.

Statementssuchastheseareassumptionsandjudgmentshiddenin“I”statements.Theyarealsofullofjudgmentallanguageandassumenegativeintentionsonthepartofothers.Thesekindsofcommentswillcertainlynotgetyouwhereyouwanttogoandmayevenraiseacriticaleyebrowortwoiftheyslipoutinfrontofotherpeople.

Ifyouusethephrase“Ifeel,”makesurethatarealfeelingfollows.Ourrepertoireforcritical,judgmentalandblaminglanguageisgenerallymuchmoredevelopedandrefinedthanourvocabularyoffeelings.Youmayhavetoworkatfinding“feeling”languagebeyondthetypicalangry,upset,hurt,happyvariety.Onewaytoavoidusing“Ifeel”inappropriatelyistoreplaceitwith“Iam,”suchas“Iamconcerned,”“Iamannoyed,”“Iamupset,”“Iamworried,”etc.

3.Putjudgmentaltermsasidebecause,sadly,theyarenotfacts.

Contrastthestatementsbelowwiththeonesthatfollow.

Insteadofthis:

-Itisrudetogossip.

-Itisinappropriatetotalkaboutyoursexlifeatwork.

-Itisdisrespectfultobelateallthetime.

-Yourbehaviorattheclientlunchwasunprofessional.

...Saythis:

-IamnotcomfortabletalkingaboutElizabethwhensheisnotpresent.

-Iamnotcomfortablewhenyoutalkaboutyoursexlifewithme.

-Iamfrustratedwhenyouarrivelatetoourbrainstormingsessionsbecauseitwasteseveryoneelse’stime.

-Iamnotsureifyouareawarethatyouinterruptedtheclientonanumberofoccasionsatourlunchmeeting.

Muchofour“hot”andjudgmentallanguagerelatestohowweseetheworld,asopposedtohowthingsactuallyare.Yourworldviewmaydifferfromanotherperson’s,whichiswhyifyoupresentyourworldviewastheconsummatetruthorthe“right”waytoseethings,theotherpersonmayfeellikeyouarequestioninghisorhervaluesorcharacter.Itisonlyamatteroftimebeforetheotherperson’sbackisup,whichwillinevitablysendyourconversationsideways.

4.Sharetheimpactofhisorheractionswithoutassumingbadintentionsonthepartoftheotherperson.

Howcanyoudothat?Takealookatthefollowingsentences:

-Whenyoutextduringclientbriefings,Iamconcerneditsendsthemessagethatyouaren’tinterestedinyourclientsorwhatwearediscussing.

-Whenyouraisedyourvoiceinthemeetingyesterday,Inoticedthatpeoplestoppedparticipatinginthediscussion.Ibelieveitcreatedtensionintheroom.

-Ifeltembarrassedwhenyoucalledmeaprimadonnainfrontofthestaff.

Althoughitcanbetempting,ifyouassumenegativeintentions,chancesaretheotherpersonwillresponddefensivelyandfightyoutoothandnail.Imaginebeingonthereceivingendofcommentslikethese:

-Itisjustlikeyoutospeaktomelikethat.Youlovetohumiliateotherstomakeyourselffeelbetter.

-Ifyouweremoreconscientious,youwouldplanyourtimemoreconsiderately.

-Ifyoucaredaboutanyoneotherthanyourself,you’dcleanupyourmessinthelunchroom.

Howcouldyourewordthesecommentssothattheycouldcontributetoamoreproductiveconversation?

-IfeltmortifiedinourmeetingwhenyoutoldmethatInevercontributeanyworthwhileideastotheteam.

-Iwouldliketotalktoyouabouthowyouplanyourdaysowecanensureyourproductionsgoalsaremet.

-Inoticedthatyouleftyourdishesonthecounterinthestaffroom.Wouldyoupleaseputyourdishesawaywhenyouarefinished?

5.Skiptheblamegame.

Ifyouhaveeverhadachildruninfromplayingintheyardscreechingthatherbigbrotherjustpulledherponytail,youknowhowone-sidedtheblamegamecanbe(oratleastsound).Evenasadults,welovetochildishlyblameothersfortheiractions,theirbehaviorandtheirbadintentions.However,evenifthereisakerneloftruthinwhatyouaresaying,thefactthatyourmessageiscloakedinblaminglanguagemakesitveryunlikelythatyouwillbeheard.

Blaminglanguageoftenstartswiththeword“you.”Iamnotsayingthatitisnecessarytoextricatetheword“you”fromyourvocabulary,butyoudoneedtobecarefulabouthowyouusethatwordinordertoavoidsoundinglikeyouareblamingtheotherperson.Remember,evenifyoufeellikeblamingtheotherperson,allyouwillaccomplishbyblamingisputtingawallupbetweenthetwoofyou,whichwillnothelpyouimproveyoursituationintheworkplace.

Insteadofthis:

-Youareirresponsible.Youpromisedyouwouldpickmeupattheairportandyoudidn’t.

-Youaretotallydisorganized.Youleftapatientsittinginthewaitingroom

foroveranhour.Whatwereyouthinking?

-It’syourfaultthatthefilewasmisplaced.Youreallyneedtobemoreontopofthings.

-Whyareyousolazy?Iamsickofpickingupyourslack.

Noneofthestatementsabovewillleadtoasuccessfulconversationorasmoothworkingrelationship.Tomakesureyourmessageisheard,doyourbesttoavoidblaminglanguage.

...Trysayingthis:

-Iwasdisappointedthatyouwerenotattheairporttopickmeup.Nexttime,ifthereisaproblem,canyouletmeknowinadvancesoIcanmakeotherarrangements?

-Let’stalkaboutwhatkindofplanwecanputinplacetoensurepatientsareseeninatimelymanner.

-Fileshavegonemissingthreetimesthisweek.Canwetalkaboutthesystemthatyouareusingsowecantrytopreventthisfromhappeningagain?

-Yourlastfourassignmentshavebeenlate.Canwetalkaboutthis?

6.Letthetruthstandanddon’texaggerateorembellishit.

Removethesewordsfromyourvocabularyasmuchasyoupossiblycan:

-Never(e.g.“Youneverpitchinwhenthingsgetbusy.”)

-Always(e.g.“Youalwaysdisappearwhendifficultpeoplecometothecounter.”)

-Nothing(e.g.“NothingisasimportanttoyouasthatiPhone.”)

-Everything(e.g.“Youmesseverythingup,”or“Everythingyousayisridiculous.”)

Eachoneofthesestatementsisgoingtoleadtounproductivewastedhoursbecauseyourmessagehascreatedtheperfectconditionsfortheotherpersontotrytoconvinceyouthatwhatyouaresayingisnotvalid.Restassuredthattheperson’smemorywillbecrystalclearabouteachandeveryexceptiontoyour

sweepinggeneralization.Itreallyisbesttoavoidthewordsaboveifyoudon’twantyourtalktogofrom“toughconversation”to“giantargument.”

Insteadofthis:

-Youneverhelptidythewaitingroomattheendoftheday.

...Saythis:

-Ihavenoticedthatthreetimesinthelastweekyouhavenothelpedtidyupthewaitingareaattheendoftheday.

Rememberthattheideaistoaddresstheactualissuewithoutcloudingyourconversationswithblame.

“Themoreyousay,thelesspeopleremember.Thefewerthewords,thegreatertheprofit.”

-FrançoisFénelon[xv]

“B”isfor“Brief”

ThenextpartofyourABCmessageisthe“B:”messagesneedtobebriefifwewantthemtobeheard.Remember,youarenotwritinganovel,youarenotanauctioneerandyouarenotbeingpaidbytheword...sotherereallyisnoincentivetoblatheron.Wetendtooverwhelmpeoplewithtoomuchinformation,whichobscuresourmessage,sokeepitsimpleandbrief.Lessismore.

Deliverashort,powerfulmessage;30secondsorlessisidealandifittakes2minutes,itiswaytoolong.Beingsuccinctshowsthatyouareconfident;plus,theotherpersonismorelikelytohearyourmessageifitisnotdrownedoutinaseaofwords.

Hereisyour“B”toolkit:

1.Decidewhatismostimportantandleaveitatthat.

Don’trecitealitanyofcentury-oldcomplaints-talkaboutonlyonetopicorissue.WheneverIamtemptedtodredgeupoldissues,Iremindmyselfofhowirritatingitiswhensomeonedoesthattomeandthatisusuallyenoughformeto

zipit(mostofthetimeanyway!).Plus,bringingupage-oldissuesonlyinvitestheotherpersontodothesame,whichmeansyourdifficultconversationcouldquicklydegenerateintoafull-blownwar.Bethebiggerpersonandsticktotheissueathand.

Ifyoudealwithissuesastheyarise,ratherthanlettingthembuildandfester,youwon’thavetoworryaboutalaundrylistofcomplaintstotackledowntheroad.Avoidingordelayingimportantconversationsisproblematicbecausewhenyoudofinallyspeakup,youwillundoubtedlysaywaytoomuch.

Wedon’twantourmessagestosoundlikethis:

“Well,Doug,IguessIhavesomeconcernsaboutyourperformanceandyourabilitytocompleteassignmentsontime.Thequalityofyourworkissometimeskindofanissuebecauseyouseemtobemissingsomekeysteps...butmaybeif

youmademoreofanefforttogetalongwithyourcoworkers...”

Ithinkyouareprobablygettingthepicture.Ithinkbacktothemanyperformancereviewsovermycareer...youknow,thosereviewsthatareheldannuallyandallofasuddenyouareexpectedtoremembereverylittleincidentoverthepastyear.Youhavenothadfeedbackuntilperformancereviewtimeandyoudonotevenremembertheissuethattherevieweristalkingabout.Ithappened10monthsearlierandnoonesaidanythingthen,sohowbadcouldithavebeen?Maybetheyhaveyouconfusedwithsomebodyelse.

Mypointisthatbystickingwithwhatismostimportant,youwillgiveyourconversationfocusandavoidgettingsidetrackedbyoldissuesthatdonotrelatetotheissueathand.Ifyoudogetcaughtuponoldissues,yourisknotbeingtakenseriouslyandmakingtheotherpersonfeelattackedandbombarded,whichisonlygoingtoundermineyourcredibilityandpotentiallystartabigfight.Chooseyourmostimportantissueandfocusyourconversationonthat.

2.Avoidlengthyexplanationsorjustifications.

Weoftenthinkthatweneedtogoonandontoexplainourdecisionorourperspective.Youaren’talawyer(orevenifyouare);refrainfromgoingonandonlikeyouaremakingclosingremarksinacourtroom.Yourjobatthismomentistocreateanaccurate,briefandclearmessage.Cutthebaloneyandstoptryingtocreateamessagethatwillgettheotherpersontoseethingsfromyourperspectivebyusingthird-partyagreement(like:“StanandAmyandRebecca

allagreewithme!”),studies(suchas:“Researchshowsthatyouaremorelikelytobehappieratworkifyoudon’tprocrastinate”)orotherreasoning.Allthiswilldoistounderminethepowerofyourmessage,nottomentionitwillexhausttheotherpersonandgivehimorhermorepointstoargue(suchas:“Well,StevenandGregagreewithme!”or“I’mactuallyhappyatwork;Imustnotbeprocrastinatingasmuchasyouthought!”).Notgood.

Ifyoulaunchyourselfinto“convincemode,”youwillonlysucceedinlookingdesperateandunsureofyourself.Ithinkwehaveallbeenonthereceivingendofthesetypesofunendingandunbearableconversations.Itisfarbettertostateyourpointwithconfidenceandbrevity;yougetyourmessageacrosswithoutgoingoverboardwithunimportantdetails,whichcanmuddythewatersandobscureyourmessage.

“C”isfor“Clear”

Whenyourmessageisclear,itpavesthewaytoaproductiveconversation.Clearmessagesarelikeaperfectlycleanedwindow:whatyouseeoutofthemistherealthing.Saywhatyoumeananddon’tflounderaroundusingimportant-soundingtermsorfakeandflowerylanguage.Theotherpersonwillnotappreciatetheseattemptsatsofteningthebadnewsandyoureffortswillbackfire.

Also,donotattempttodrophintsinsteadofhavinganactualconversation;I’mtellingyou,thosehintswillnotbecaught.Peopletendtoseethingsastheywantthemtobe,soifyouhopetomakearealchangeintheworkplace,youhavetoskipthe“subtleclueapproach”andtackletheissuewithstraightforwardandclearlanguage.Thecleareryouare,themorequicklytheconversationyouhavebeendreadingwillbeover.

Hereisyour“C”toolkit:

1.Getstraighttotheissue.

Avoidtryingtoburyyourmessage;you’rekiddingyourselfifyouthinkthatpeopledon’tseethroughyouwhenyoutrytohideyourissuesinlessunpleasanttopics.Whenyoutrytohideyourmessage,theotherpersonisjustwaitingfortheothershoetodrop.Allyouaredoingisprolongingtheagonyforbothparties.

Herearesomeexamplesofburiedmessages:

-So,Ray,how’syourmotherdoingsinceyourdaddied?Isshestillgolfing?Oh,hey,bytheway,we’reunfortunatelygoingtohavetoletyougo-cutbacksfromheadoffice.

-Hey,Sarah–greattoseeyouback.Howwasthecottage?Youlooklikeyougotsomesun!Hopefullyyouwereusingagood,strongsunscreen.Oh,thepromotion?Right...well,wehadtopassyouoverandgiveittoJenny.

-Youknow,Kendra,we’vesoappreciatedyourworkethicandyoursenseofhumoraroundhere.Infact,eventhecleaningladycommentsonyoursmileandreadinesstopitchin.Youwillbeabletogoanywherewithapersonalitylikethat–it’ssimplyamazing.And,uh,speakingof“anywhere,”didyouhearthatthecompanyisoutsourcingyourentiredepartmentoverseas?

Intheexamplesabove,thetensionispalpablerightawaydespitethefactthatthebadnewsdoesnotcomeuntillateron.Ifyouhaveeverbeenapartofoneoftheseconversations,youknowthatitdoesn’tmatterwhetheryou’reonthegivingendorthereceivingend-theystillfeelawkwardandterrible.Bygettingstraighttotheissueandchoosingnottoburyyourmessage,youwillultimatelyjustgettheagonyoverwithmorequickly.

2.Givediplomacyarest.

Thediplomaticapproachisallabouttryingtocushiontheblow,sowefoolishlycensorourlanguagetothepointwherenoonecouldpossiblyunderstandwhatitiswearetryingtosay.Ifyouhaveevertriedtotalktoabankthatisturningdownyourloanrequest,thenyouknowwhatIamtalkingabout.Remember:hopingnottooffendtheotherpersonisnotaproductivegoal,evenifitisa“nice”one.Thereasonwewanttoavoidtoughconversationsislargelybecauseweareafraidoftheotherperson’sreaction-otherwise,itwouldn’tbeaverytoughconversation,now,wouldit?Butifyouknowit’sgoingtobeadifficulttalk,thenit’sbettertojustsaywhatyouneedtosayandnotcensoryourselftothepointofnotbeingunderstood.Whenweavoidbeingclearforthesakeofdiplomacy,theintegrityofthemessagesuffersandweruntheriskofeitherprolongingthepaininthatconversationorbeingforcedtohavemultipleconversationstogetourpointacross-andnobodywantsthat.

Here’sanexampletomullover:whatdoyouthinkthefollowingmightmean?

“So,Marianne,thedepartmenthasmadeadecisiontorevamptheorganizationalchartacrosstheboard.Positionswillunfortunatelybeeliminatedormovedbutnoonehastoworry,thereshouldn’tbeanyjobloss.Thisshouldbe

afairlysimpleprocess.”

Hmm.Definitelynotaclearstatement.Positionseliminatedbutnojobloss?DotheythinkMarianneisstupid?Thisbossneedstogetrealandsaywhathereallymeans.

Hereishowthestraightgoodsmightsound.Nodiplomacyhere,butasolid,clearmessage:

“Marianne,Iwantedtoletyouknowthedepartmentisreorganizingandpositionswillbeeliminated.Wewilldoourbesttolimitjoblossthrough

attritionandwe’llworktogethertofindopportunitiesinotherdepartments.Thisisunfortunatelygoingtobeachallengingtimeforeveryone.”

Muchbetterandmorehonest!

Butforthoseofyouwhoaresayingtothemselves,“Butthesecondmessagesoundsterrible!Marianneisgoingtobemoreupsetbythatversion!”well,you’reprobablyright.Unfortunately,therealityisthatdownsizingisnothappynews,sothereisnopointintryingtomakeitsoundlikehappynews.Mariannemaybeupsetbythesecondmessage,butshewouldbeconfusedbythefirst-anditisalwaysbettertobeupsetbutclearaboutwhat’sgoingonthantobeconfusedandholdfalsehopethatmaybenothingbadwillhappen.

Remember,onceallthatwafflingstarts,it’seasytocomeacrossasinsincereandmeanwhile,yourmessagegetslostintheshuffle.Evenifyourdiplomacyiswellintended,assoonasitcompromisestheclarityofyourmessage,youhaveaseriousproblemonyourhands.

3.Avoidthefeedbacksandwich.

Youknowhowpeopletendtopackagebadorsadnewsbetweenslicesofgoodnewsorflattery?That’safeedbacksandwich.Doesthefollowingfeedbacksandwichsoundlikegoodcommunicationtoyou?

“Well,yourfatherdidverywellduringsurgery.Unfortunately,hecodedinthe

recoveryroomandwelosthim.Thegoodnewsisthatmanyofhisorgansareveryhealthy.Wouldyouliketodonatethemtohelpoutothers?”

Ididn’tthinkso.

Now,itcanbearguedthatthereisaplaceforthefeedbacksandwichinsometypesofconversations,butthesekindsoftoughtalksdonotmakethecut.Don’ttrytohideyournewsinfar-reachingpositives;allthatwilldoismakeyoulooklikeajerkwhodoesnotappreciatehowdifficultthesubjectinquestionisfortheotherperson.

4.Avoidblamingothers.

Blamingothersmakesyoulooklikeaselloutoratattletaleandpeoplealwaysseethroughitimmediately.

Considerthiscringe-worthyexample:

“So,Gregory,IwantyoutoknowthatIreallyputinagoodwordforyouregardingthespecialproject,butthedirectorhadalreadydecidedtogiveittohisnephew.IdidwhatIcould,buthepulledrankonme.Ifithadbeenuptome,thejobwouldhavebeenyours.Sorry,butyoucan’tshootthemessenger,right?”

“Sure,thatguysoundslikeadope,”youmightbesaying,“butwhatifthesituationathandreallyisn’tmyfault?”Evenifthenewsisn’tyourfault,youwon’tgainanythingbytryingtomakeitsoundasifsomeoneelseistoblame.Bethebiggerpersonanddon’tlaytheblameonsomebodyelse.Instead,takeownershipofyournews.

5.Avoidthe“wolfinsheep’sclothing.”

A“wolfinsheep’sclothing”statementiswhenyousaysomethingthatattemptstobediplomaticbutcomesacrossasanattack,criticismorjudgmentontheotherperson.Checkthisout:

“Diane,Idon’thaveanissuewithchangingplans.Ijustthinkweneedtocommunicatehonestlywitheachotheraboutthereasonforthechange.”

Hmm.DidyoupickupontheimplicationthatIambeingdishonestaboutsomething?Somebodydidactuallysaythistomeonce,soIcantellyou

firsthandthatIfeltslightedanddefensive.Insteadofaccusingsomeone-indirectlyorotherwise-remembertofocusonthefactsratherthanyourinterpretationofthefacts.Choosetobethestraightshooterandsaysomethinglikethis:

“Diane,youseemtobechangingplansandIamwonderingwhy.”

Simple,directandnon-accusatory:amuchstrongerstarttoaproductiveconversation.

YourABCsinAction:IantheInterrupter

YounowhavethetoolstocreatesomeexcellentABCmessages.Let’stakealookatasampleworkplaceconversationtoseeyourtoolkitinaction.

Imagineyouhaveatalkativecoworker,Ian,wholovestointerruptyouonaregularbasis.Itisreallystartingtobotheryou;youarefeelingdisrespectedandyousensethatyourviewsdon’tmatter(yup,thatwouldbeyourinsidevoicetalking!).Yourself-respectisatstakeaswellasyourrelationshipwithIan,soyoudecideyouneedtosaysomething.YourgoalistoletIanknowthatyouwanttobeheardandthatyouarefrustratedwithhowdiscussionsbetweenthetwoofyouoftengo.Youwantthistobeaprivateconversationandyouwanttohaveitassoonaspossibleafterthemostrecent“interruptionincident,”sothebehaviorisfreshinbothofyourminds.So,offyougotoIan’sofficewithyourpreparedABCmessagetotalktohimaboutwhathappenedattheteammeetingtoday.Whatmightyousay?

“Ian,Iamnotsureifyouareawarethatinourmeetingtoday,youinterruptedmewhileIwassharingmyideasontheAcmeproject.Ihaveexperiencedyouinterruptingmeonanumberofoccasionswhenwearehavingdiscussions.IamfeelingreallyfrustratedbecauseIwouldliketheopportunitytosharemyideas

fully.”STOPTALKING.(Embracingsilenceempowersyourmessage.)

ThisisafabulousABCmessage:accurate,briefandclear.NowIanknowswhatisgoingonforyouwithoutanyjudgmental,subjectiveor“hot”language.Youdidnotassumeanynegativeintentionsonhispart.Heismorelikelytohearthismessagethanifyouhadsaidthathe“neverlistens”or“alwaysinterrupts,”orifyouhadaccusedhimofbeingrudeorself-centered.Thismessageisalsomuchbetterbecauseyouchosetodeliveritinprivateratherthangetting

sarcasticatthemeetingandblurting,“DoyoumindifIfinishonesentence,Ian?”Yousuccessfullystartedthistoughconversationbyfocusingonthecorrectgoal,notassumingtheworstandrememberingyourABCs.Welldone!

TopToolstoRecall:DesigningYourABCMessage

-“A”isfor“accurate:”sticktothefactsandrememberthatyourjudgmentsandassumptionsdonotqualifyasfacts.-“B”isfor“brief:”aimfor30secondsanddefinitelynotmorethan2minutes.-“C”isfor“clear:”makeyourmessagedirectandpreciseandavoidburyingitinconfusinglanguage.-Use“I”statements,suchas“Ithink,”“Iam,”“Ibelieve,”“Ifeel,”etc.-Avoid“hot,”judgmentalwordssuchas“rude,”“difficult,”“lazy,”“disrespectful,”“disorganized,”etc.-Sharetheimpactoftheperson’sactionswithoutblame,shameorjudgment.

Great!Nowyouhavecreatedyourmessageinawaythatdeliversthe“straightgoods”and,ifallgoeswell,willstillleavetheotherpersonfeelingrespected.Asyoucansee,preparationiskeybecauseithelpsyoucreatetherightframeofmindaswellasfindthewordsforasuccessfulconversation.

Beforedeliveringyourmessage,however,itisessentialtoprepareyourselfevenfurtherbyanticipatingtheotherperson’spotentialreaction(s).Sure,youhavehadlotsoftimetothinkaboutthisconversationandprepareforit,buttheotherpersonhasnot.Nowit’stimetogetreadyforhowtheotherpersonrespondstoyournews.Ifyoudon’t,youriskbeingblindsidedbyallkindsofnegative,scaryand(dareIsay)crazyreactionsthat,ifhandledimproperly,willsendyourconversationintoatailspin.Preparationisessentialsothatyoucankeepyourconversationontrack.

Don’twanttobecaughtlikeadeerintheheadlights?Don’twantyourtoughconversationstofeellikesneakattacksthatcauseotherpeopletofightwithalloftheirmight?You’reabouttofindouthow.

Chapter7:DeliveringYourABCMessage

Chapterhighlights:

-Anticipatetheotherperson’sreactiontoyourmessageandmentallyprepareyourselfsoyouhavetheconfidencethatyoucanhandleanythingthatcomesyourway.

-Setthestageforyourconversationbyaskingpermissionandchoosingtherighttimeandplace.

-Havethetalk...becausetheydeservetoknowandyoudeservetotellthem.

Therearetwofinalthingsyouneedtodobeforeyoulaunchyourselfintoyourtoughtalkifyouwanttoensureyoursuccess:first,youneedtoanticipatehowtheotherpersonmightreacttoyourABCmessagesoyoucanmentallyreadyyourselfand,second,youneedtosetthestageforactuallyhavingtheconversation.Allofthisgroundworkwillpayoffwhenyoufinallydeliveryourmessage.

Ifwerushintoadifficultconversation,weinevitablymesssomethingup

and,whenwemessup,ittakesalotofadditionaltimeandenergytocleanuptheaftermathofalltheconfusion,hurtfeelings,misunderstandings,etc.Ihavedonemyshareofleapinginheadfirstwithoutthinkingoftheconsequences,believeme;please,learnfrommymistakesandchoosetoplanahead!Ifyoudo,yourconversations-andyourworkrelationships-willreaptherewards.

“Wisdomconsistsoftheanticipationofconsequences.”

-NormanCousins[xvi]

AnticipateTheirReactions

Inordertofocus,stayontrackandavoidrabbitholes,youneedtoanticipateandbereadyfortheinevitablereactiontoyourABCmessage,nomatterhowbrilliantitsoundsinyourhead.Here’swhy:eventhebestABCmessagesdonotaccountforwhattheotherpersonisgoingtosayordoinresponse.Preparationbyanticipatingtheotherperson’sreactionsgivesyouthebestchanceofsuccessbecauseallofyourhardworkwon’tbeunderminedbyanunexpectedresponse.Youarewellawareofyourfeelingsabouttheconversation;afterall,howmanysleeplessnightshaveyouhadoverit?Now,itistimetoconsiderhowtheotherpersonmightreacttoyourmessage.Putyourselfinhisorhershoes:howwouldyoureactorfeelandthenaskyourselfiftheotherpersonislikelyto:

-Behurt

-Getdefensive

-Breakintotears

-Threatenyou

-Attack

-Beg

-Beembarrassed

-Makepromisestochange

Anticipatingtheotherperson’sresponseandbeingpreparedgivesyoutheconfidencetohandleanythingthatmightbethrownyourway.Ittakesthesting

outoftheotherperson’sreaction(ifitactuallyhappens)andhelpsyoutoremainneutralanddetached.Remember,thisisatoughtalkthatyouhaveprobablyagonizedoverandpotentiallyavoidedoutoffearofwhatcouldgowrong.Ifyouvisualizeworkingouttheworst-casescenarioaheadoftime,thenyouarereadyandnothingcouldreallyfazeyou.Athletesusevisualizationinordertoachievepeakperformance,sowhynotusethesameproventacticinourownimportantconversationsinordertobesuccessful?Alittleprepworkonyourpartinthisarenawillremovesomeoftheanxietythatgoeshandinhandwiththeseconversations,whichwillultimatelyhelpyoutoachieveyourdesiredoutcome.

HelpfulHint:UnhookEmotionally

Thinkabouthowyoumightget“hooked”inaconversation-somethingthatcouldcauseyoutoaccidentallylosecontrol.Whatistheotherpersonlikelytodoorsaythatmaycauseyoutoreact,ratherthanstayfocused?Anticipateandplanforit.Thiswillhelpyouswimbythehooksandstaycalm,coolandincontrol.

Ifyouanticipateareactionandtheworst-casescenariodoesn’tmaterialize,thenyou’llbepleasantlysurprised.Don’tgetmewronghere:Iamnotapessimist,Iamarealist.Thegoalhereistobeabletostaycollectedandconfidentwheninthehotseat.Youwanttobereadysothatyoucanrespondinawaythatisalignedwithyourultimategoalratherthanreactoutofanger,fearorhurtfeelings.

StoryofSupport

IwanttoshareastoryabouthowIpreparedmyselfforaconversationtowhichIanticipatedadefensivereaction.ItwasoneofthosesituationswhereIwasabletodetachmyselfsothatIdidnotreactandtheoutcomewasverypositive.Itwasaremindertomethatthisstuffreallyworksifyoustickwithit.

TherewasatimewhenIwasmakingthetransitionfromlawyertoconsultantandwasfocusedoneducationandlearning.IwasworkingfromhomeandwasmoreavailableandpresentformyfamilythanIhadbeeninthepast.Itwasalsoatimewhenwedidnothaveanyonehelpingoutathome.Despiteenjoyingthelearningpartofmychangingdirection,Iwasstartingtorotinmycomfortzone,soIknewitwastimetogetthingsrolling.Isecuredmyfirst

speakinggiganddesignedmyfirstworkshop.ItrainedindifficultconversationsandmediationatHarvardLawSchool.Sonow,ofmyowndoing,Iwasoutofmyrutandflatoutswampedwithwork.

Theproblemformewasthedifficultyinmanagingitall:kids’activities,meals,thedog,work,travelandallthatgoesalongwithmanagingahouseandabuddingcareer.IfeltthatIwasn’tatthestagewhereIcouldreallyjustifyhiringanyoneasIwasspendingmoremoneythanIwasearning(afamiliarsongforalotofpeople).Iwasfeelingdownrightresentfulaboutallthe“menial”workIwasdoingandIsurpassedthedogwhenitcametobarkingatthekidsandmyhubby.“Iamnotthemaidaroundhere,youknow!”Iwouldscreech.“Anyoneofyoucouldhelpoutatanypointintime!”Themoodaroundourhousewasdeterioratingquickly.IdecidedIneededtohaveaproductiveconversationwithmyhubbyaboutgettingmoresupportfromhimtomanageitall.Itwasmysense(rightorwrong)thatIhadpreviouslyaskedforthehelpIneededandyetthehelpwasnotforthcoming.Obviously,weneededtotalkbeforetensionsgotanyworse.

“Expectthebest.Preparefortheworst.Capitalizeonwhatcomes.”

-ZigZiglar

IpreparedfortheconversationandIwasprettysurethatthiswouldbeatouchysubject.Hubbyseeshimselfasasupportivespouse(andheis)aswellasasupporterofwomenintheircareers.Hismotherwasasuccessfulcareerwomanandheadmiresherandallshehasaccomplished.Ibroachedthesubjectandtoldhimfrom“myview”(whichwasmyversionof“thetruth”)thatIwasnotgettingthesupportfromhimthatIneeded.Iwasreadyforastrongdefensivereaction.Afterall,Iknowthismanverywell.ThereactioncameasIhadanticipatedandwentsomethinglikethis:“Whatdoyoumean?IthinkIamverysupportive.Iammoresupportivethanmostmen!Idon’tthinkyouappreciatemeandIdon’tthinkyouarebeingfair.”

Ilistened.Istayedpresentandrememberedmygoalwastogettosomeproductivesolutionsonthesubjectofhelpforsomeofthemundanechoresoflife,nottogetintoaheatedargumentaboutwhetherhewasasupportivehusband.Thatargumentwouldhaveservednopurposeandwouldonlyhaveleftbothofusfeelingmiserable.Anticipatinghisreactionhelpedmetostayfocusedandnotget“hooked.”IchosetostaycalmandbequietdespitethefactthatIwantedtojumpin,defendmyself,bolstermypositionandpossiblyhurlafew

unhelpfullittledigs.

Theresult?Withinabout30seconds(yes,itcanbethatfast),hubbycalmlyturnedtomeandsaid,“Whatdoyouneedfrommetogetthekindofsupportyouarelookingfor?”Wethenhadaconstructiveconversationandworkedoutsomesolutionswewerebothhappywith.IfIhadnottakenthetimetoanticipateadefensiveresponse(almostguaranteedinasituationlikethis)thenIlikelywouldhavebeenembroiledinalonganddrawn-outfightaboutunrelatedandunimportantmattersthatIwouldlaterregret.Tomeitwasatruesignthatbeingpreparedreallyworks!

SettingtheStage

Thefinalstepinlayingthegroundworkforyourconversationisto“setthestage.”Youarewellprepared,butyoudonotwantyourconversationtofeellikeasneakattack.Nowyouneedtogivetheotherpersonaheads-upthatanimportantdiscussionisimminent.Hereareafewstrategiestoassistyouinpreparingforasuccessfulconversation:

1.Askpermission.

Askingpermissiontohaveaconversationworksinbothpersonalandbusinessrelationships.Theactofaskingpermissiontohaveatalkconveysrespect.ThisstrategywasworkingverywellformeandIwasdoingitregularlyuntil,oneday,Iwantedtotalktoaclosefriendaboutatouchysubject:herintimaterelationship.WhenIaskedherifIcouldtalktoheraboutsomeconcernsIhad,sherespondedwithanemphatic“no.”Nowwhat?ThiswassomeoneIreallycaredaboutandIwasworriedaboutthem.Itriedtoforgeonandtalkaboutmyconcernsanyway,whichonlycausedanargumentbecauseshehadexpresslydeniedmepermissiontobroachthesubject.

Themoralofthestoryisthatifyouaskforpermissionandthepersonsays“no,”thenyouneedtorespectthat.Otherwise,youlosecredibilityandyourrequestcomesacrossasinsincere(and,infairness,itkindofwouldbe).Ontheotherhand,oftentimesintheworkplace,havingyourdifficultconversationisamust,forexamplewhenyouneedtotalktoyourassistantaboutsomeconcernswithherworkortoacoworkeraboutmissingdeadlines.Inthosecases,youneedtoaskpermissionaboutthetimingoftheconversation,ratherthanaskingpermissiontohavetheconversationatall.Askifyoucantalkaboutyourissues

nowand,iftheotherpersonsaysno,thenyouwillhavetobeflexibleandofferotheroptionsforatimetotalk.Justbestraightforwardandsaysomethinglikethis:

“Iwouldliketosetupameetingsometimethisweek.Herearetheoptions…Whatworksbestforyou?”

2.Choosetherighttime.

Timingiscrucialandimmediacyisbest.Generally,thesooneryourconversationoccursaftertheincidentinquestion,thebetteritisforeveryone.Otherwise,thedetailsgetblurryandthereisnothingliketimetoweavejudgmentsandinterpretationsintoastory.Yourinsidevoicewilltrytousethetimetogettheupperhand,sotrytohaveyourtalksoonerratherthanlater.

If,however,youarefumingaboutanincidentandraringtoblurtsomethingout,thentimeisnottheenemy.Buttonupuntilyouarecalmandthinkingstraight.Hereisausefulruleofthumbfrommyson’shockeycoach:takea24-hourcooling-offperiodifemotionsarerunninghigh.Resistthetemptationtousethe“bravery”yourangerisgivingyoutolashoutandalwaysgiveyourselftimeandlotsofdeepbreathsbeforeyousayanythingsothatyoucanapproachtheconversationfromasneutralaperspectiveaspossible.

Ontheotherhand,youshouldavoidthetemptationtoleavetheotherpersonhangingindefinitelyonceyouhaverequestedameeting.Don’tmaketheotherpersonwaitaweekwhileyoujuggleyouryogaclass,yourcoffeedates,yourlast-minuteerrands.Allowingtoomuchleadtimewillcausebothofyoutofretandsecond-guessyourselves(andgivestheotherpersonplentyoftimetogathertheirammo!).It’snotgoingtobepretty!

3.Choosetherightplace.

Location,location,location:it’scriticalinrealestateandit’scriticalinyourtoughconversations.Thinkaboutthenatureofyourtalkandyourrelationshipwiththeotherpersonwhenyouarechoosingthevenue.Inmostcases,youdon’twanttohaveyourdifficultconversationinfrontofotherpeople;aprivatediscussionwillhelptheotherpersonavoidembarrassmentorthatawfulfeelingofbeingputonthespot,whichwillinturnreducethelikelihoodofabig,uglyscene.It’sjustcommonsense:ifyouarefiringsomeone,youdon’tdoit“reality

TVboardroomstyle;”behindcloseddoorsinyourofficeismuchmoresensitiveandappropriate.Lunchinabusyrestaurantcouldworkifyouareconfessingtoyourbestfriendthat,somehow,thereisacigaretteburnonherfavoriteDonnaKaranblazerthatyouborrowedlastweek,butnotifyouarehavingtotellyourcoworkerthatheneedstoweardeodorantwhenyougointosalesmeetings.Remembertoputyourselfintheotherperson’sshoesandaskyourselfwhereyouwouldwanttohearthenewsthatyouareplanningtoshare.

Amazing-you’vedoneit!Youarenowreadytohavethisconversationthatyouhavebeensodreading.Youhaveallofthetoolsyouneed;allthat’slefttodonowispractice.Let’slookatsomeworkplacescenariostoseehowyoucouldcraftanddeliverafewgreatABCmessages:

DealingWithaDifficultBoss:HoundingHelen

It’scoffeetimeattheofficeandyouandacoworkerhavenippedouttogetaquicklatteandhavealittleofficedramagripesession.Thetopicdujourisaworkissuethatyouarereluctanttotackle.ThelongandshortofitisthatyoufeelthatHelen,yourboss,ismicromanagingyoulikecrazy.Youhavebeenhavingalotofwhiningsessionslatelyanddefinitelynotofthetwo-minutevariety!Well,youhavereadmybook,soyouknowthatmajorcomplainingalsomeansmajoravoiding.Now,it’stimetotakeaction.

Aftercoffee,youbegincreatingyourABCmessage(accurate,briefandclear)forHelen.YouaregoingtohavetoquietyourinsidevoicethathasconvincedyouthatitistrueandfactualthatHelenisamicromanagingcontrolfreak,incessantlytellingyouwhattodoandwhentodoit.Youneedtotakeamentaldumphere(alwaysagoodthing)andaskyourselfwhatitisthatHelensaysordoesthatleadstoyoutosayshemicromanagesyouandwhythatiscausingaproblem.

Thefacts:Helenunfailinglyasksyoutomeetwithhertwiceaweektorunallofyourideasbyher.Youfeeldemoralizedandareconcernedthatshehasdoubtsaboutyourworkandyourability.Yourcreativityandself-esteemaregoingdownthetoilet,nottomentionthatyourcoworkerissickandtiredofallofyourmoaning.YourgoalinhavingtheconversationistofindoutwhyHelenismakingtheserequestsandaddressherconcerns.Youalsowanttoletherknowhowhermicromanagingbehaviorisaffectingyou(althoughyouarenotgoingtousetheword“micromanaging”becauseitimpliescriticismandjudgment).

YouanticipatethistalkcouldbetoughbecauseHelenhasareputationforgettingdefensive.Youknowyoudogoodworkandyoufeelconfidentaboutwhatyoucontribute,soyoufeelreadytotacklethistalk.Youknowthatthisisdefinitelyaconversationyouwanttohaveinprivateandyouneedacooling-downperiodafterwhatyouconsidertobethelatestinalonglineofslights(darnthatinsidevoiceanyway!),soyouaskforameetingforthefollowingday.

Thenextday,youdeliveryourABCmessagewithconfidence:

“Helen,sinceyoubecamemymanageryouhaveaskedmetomeetwithyoutwiceaweekandtorunallofmymarketingideasbyyoubeforeIincludetheminthemock-upbrochures.I’mnotsurewhereyouarecomingfrom,butIam

startingtowonderifyouhaveconcernsaboutmyabilitytodomyjobwell.Canwetalkaboutthis?”STOPTALKING.(Hearheroutandpreparetobe

surprised.)

ThiscouldbeafantasticstarttoaproductiveconversationaboutyourworkandHelen’smanagementstyle.Sheismuchmorelikelytohearthismessagethanifyouhadsaid,“Helen,youareacontrolfreak,alwaysmicromanagingme,”orevenworse,“Whycan’tyoujusttrustmywork?Everyonethinksyouareadyed-in-the-woolmicromanagerandyouaredrivingusallcrazy!”Bynowyouknowthatstatementslikethosenevergooverwell.StickwithacalmandcarefullydesignedABCmessagetogetyourmessageheard!

Sayingno:Spot-onSimon

Youhavejustleftasuccessfulboardmeetingandareintheladies’roomputtingonsomelipstickandcheckingyourphonewhenyouseeyouhaveanewmessagefromSpot-onSimon,oneofyourtopproducers.Themessagestartsoutcasuallyenough,butthenlaunchesintohowupsetheisbecausehewasn’tchosentobepartofthe“MostExcitingProjectEver.”YouaresurprisedbecauseyouhadalreadyhadthisdiscussionwithSimonseveraldaysago.Now,heissuggestinghemayleavethecompanyifyourefusetoaddhimtothenewprojectteam.Youaretakenabackbyhissubtlethreatsbutmanagetorefrainfromfiringbackanastyemail.Anothermanagerwalksintotheladies’roomandyoumentionSimon’smessagetoherand,toyoursurprise,shetellsyouthatshe’dalreadyheardhowupsetSimonwasbecausehehasbeentellinganyonewhowouldlistenfordays.Yourinsidevoiceisraging,“Heisseriouslyunbelievable!

Ican’tbelievethatSpot-onSimon,oneofmykeyemployees,isholdingmehostageandtellingeveryonethathewillquitifIdon’tputhimontheproject!Didheforgetwejusttalkedaboutthisafewdaysago?Whereishisbrain,anyway?HeknowsIcan’trunthedepartmentwithouthim.AftereverythingI’vedoneforhim,hestabsmeintheback?”

Yes,it’stimetotalktoSimonwithaclearlycraftedABCmessage.Remember,takingthatmentaldumpreallyhelpsanddon’tforgettotakeastepbackfromthe“hot,”judgmentallanguageofyourinsidevoice.Factsarewhatwillgiveyouclarityontheproblem.ThefactsarethatSimonwasnotchosentobeapartofthebigprojectandthatyouhadadvisedhimofthisinaconversationthatoccurredseveraldaysago.Whatisbotheringyouisthatyouhaveanover-confidentemployeetestingyou(withanaudiencenoless).Heisusingathreatthatcannotbetoleratedbecauseitwouldsendthemessagethatyoucanbemanipulated.Yourgoalhereistolethimknowhowmuchyouvaluehimandthatyouwillnotbereversingyourdecision.YouanticipatethatSimonisgoingtocontinuewithhisthreatstoleavebutyouareclearthatyouwillnotbeghimtostay.So,ifhetriesmorethreatsduringyourconversation,youfeelconfidentthatyoucan“swimby”thathook.Heisnotapartofthisproject,nomatterhowmuchyouvaluehimandhopethathewon’tactuallymakegoodonhisthreattoleave.

NowyouarepreparedtoconfidentlydeliveryourABCmessage:

“Simon,wetalkedaboutthisnewprojectafewdaysagoand,asyouknow,IdecidedtoputMikeontheprojecttogetsomeexperience.Iknowyoudisagree

withmydecisionandyoureallywantthisgig.Iunderstandthatyouareconsideringyouroptionsandmayleavetheorganizationifyoudon’tgetonthisproject.Thatisachoicethatyouwillhavetomake.Ifyouleave,itwouldbeahugelossforus.Havingsaidthat,pleaseunderstandthatIamnotchangingmydecision.Ultimatelyyouwillhavetodecidewhereyougofromhere.Ifyoudecidetostay,thenIexpectthattherewillbenofurtherdiscussiononthis

issue.”STOPTALKING.(Rememberthatlessismore.)

Spot-onSimonismuchmorelikelytorespectyouifyoutalktohimthiswaythanifyoucavein,beghimtostayormakefalsepromisesforthefuture.Sure,hemaybeirritatedorupsetthathisthreateningtoleavedidnotwork,buthadyoucavedorbegged,youwouldessentiallybetellingSimon(andeveryoneelseinyouroffice)thathecallstheshotsandyoudon’t-andnewsthattheboss

isawussalwaysspreadslikewildfire,soyouwouldhavebeensettingyourselfupforalotmoreproblemsdowntheroad.Thisisacasewhereyouabsolutelyneededtoassertyourselfbydrawingalineinthesand.

RudeorDisrespectfulBehavior:DaveandDarryl

Imagineyouarethedirectorofanon-profitorganization.Anhourago,alunchmeetingwasheldwithkeyparticipantsfromacrossthecountry.Duringtheluncheon,twoofthevitalplayers,DaveandDarryl,beganaprivateconversation,turningawayfromthegroupandexcludingeveryoneelseatthetable.Youweresurprisedandyourinsidevoicestartedchatteringrightaway,“Well,that’sprettyrude!Nowweallfeellikewe’regettingpickedlastforthebaseballteam!Howcanthesetwobesounkindandunprofessional?”

Ratherthanwait,youdecidetotackletheproblemnowanddeliveraclearABCmessage.First,youmustnaildowntheissueandfigureoutyourgoal.Inanutshell,youareconcernedaboutwhatimpactthisbehaviorwillhaveonyourworkingrelationshipwithDaveandDarrylandhowothersatthelunchfeltaboutbeingleftoutoftheirsecretconversation.Yourgoalissimplytoletthemknowyourconcerns.YouanticipatethatDaveandDarrylmightbedefensive,butyoufeelverystronglythattheydeservetoknow.Anopportunitytotalkprivatelypresentsitselfrightaway,sothestageisset.

HereisyourABCmessage:

“DaveandDarryl,Ibelievethatyouaregreatcontributorstothisfieldand,asexperts,othersarelookingtoyou.Iamconcernedaboutthesideconversationyoujusthadatlunchandthemessageitsendstotherestofusthatperhapsyouhavemoreimportantthingstotalkabout.I’mnotsayingyoushouldn’thaveconfidentialconversations,Ijustdon’tbelievethattheluncheonwastheright

timeorplace.”STOPTALKING.(Letthemessagesinkin.)

Surprisingly,DaveandDarrylarebothappreciativeoftheheads-upandyourwillingnesstobeopenwiththemaboutwhathadhappenedatlunchfromyourperspective.Theywereunawareoftheimpactoftheirbehavior.Youarepleasantlysurprised,becauseyouanticipatedadefensivereactionanditdidn’tcome-bonus!ItwassatisfyingtorealizethatyouwillcontinuetohaveagoodworkingrelationshipwithDaveandDarrylratherthanfeelirritatedandresentfulhadyounotexpressedyourconcerns.Therewassimplytoomuchatstaketo

remainsilent.Owningyouropinionsratherthanpresentingthemas“thetruth”wasakeytosuccessfullymanagingthistoughtalk.

However,imaginewhatwouldhavehappenedwithDaveandDarrylifinsteadyouhadsaid,“Yoursideconversationwassorude,”or“YouandDarrylwerebehavingsounprofessionally!Whatwereyouthinking?”Thistypeoflead-inwouldhavenodoubtledtoadefensiveresponseandanawkwardlunchtosaytheleast.

DeliveringSensitiveNews:NedtheNostril

Youjustlandedanexcellentjobatatop-notchorganizationandyouaresoexcitedtojoinsuchanimpressiveteam.Theofficesarefabulous,verymodernandlocatedinahigh-energydowntownlocation.Youknowyouhavetobeonyourbestbehavior,especiallyinthosesee-throughhighlyvisibleglassoffices-certainlynoquickchangesintheofficeforafastlunch-hourrun!Youandyourcoworkershavetobe“on”allthetime.ItfeelsabitlikewalkingtheredcarpetattheAcademyAwards-exciting,butalsounforgiving.

Oneday,asyousatinyouroffice,yourgazewanderedovertoyourcolleagueNed’sofficeacrossthehall.Yuck!Nedwasbusypickinghisnosewithsuchvigorthatyoucouldnotbelieveyoureyes.Didhelosesomethingupthere?Thiswasnotoneofthosefurtive,sneaky“oh,mynostrilwasjustitchy”picks;hewasdiggingforgold!Youarecompletelyshockedbecausethismanisintelligent,welldressedanddestinedtobesuccessful(orsoyouthought).Whatasocialfauxpas.Ohno,youthinktoyourself,Ijustreallyhopethiswasaone-timeoffense.

Nosuchluck.YouobserveNedtimeandtimeagainpickinghisnose.Oneday,youseehimwithhisfingeruphisnosewhileinameetingwithaclient.Youhavetalkedtoyourcoworkersandyouallagree:someonehastosaysomethingandquick!Thereissomuchatstakehere:Ned’sreputation,thereputationofthecompany,nottomentionNed’ssecretary,thepoorgirlwhotidieduparoundhisdeskandtookawayhiscoffeecup.Thevisualisfairlyhorrifying.So,youdrawstrawsforwhoisgoingtobroachthesubjectandbigsurprise–youwin(orlose)!

YoustartthinkingaboutwhatyouaregoingtosaytoNed.Thegoalisjusttolethimknowyouhaveobservedthisbehaviorbecauseyoubelievethathedeservestoknow(andsorry,offeringhimaboxoftissueisnotdirectenough).

Thehardpartistellinghimabouthishabit.Youanticipatethathewilllikelybeembarrassed,butyourespectthismanandwanttolethimknowwhatyouhaveobserved.Onedayyougingerlyapproachhimintheconfinesofhisofficeandaskhimifyoucantalktohimaboutasensitiveissue.Heagrees.

Thenyousay:

“Ned,Iamnotsureifyouareawareofit,butIhavenoticedyoupickingyournoseonmanyoccasions.Atleastoncethishappenedwhentherewasaclientinyouroffice.Ididn’tknowhowtobroachthissubject.IassumedyoumustbeunawarethatyouweredoingitandIthoughtyouwouldwanttoknow.”STOP

TALKING.(Brevityisbetterforallconcernedhere.)

Asmuchasyoumightliketo,thereisnowaytoavoidembarrassmenthere.Youanticipatedtheawkwardness,butthistopicwasjusttooimportantandyoulikeNedtoomuchnottosayanything.Youdon’ttrytosoftenthebloworeasehisembarrassment(oryours);yetthiskindofmessageismuchmorerespectfulthanblurtingout,“Stoppickingyournose!Itisdisgusting!”orworse,notsayinganythingatall.

DeliveringBadNews:NightclubNatasha

YouworkwithasmartandaspiringyoungprofessionalwomannamedNatasha.YourelyonNatasha’stalentandexpertisetoputtogetherawesomecampaignsforclients.Theproblem?Well,sheisdressinginawaythatsomemightdescribeas“provocative:”low-cutblousesandshort,tightskirts.Insteadoflookinglikesheisworkinginaprofessionaloffice,shelookslikesheisheadingtothenightclubafterwork.Youhavenoticedit(itishardtomissthecleavageorthelacyunderwear)andclientshavenoticedit.Despitehertalent,youareafraidtobringherontonewjobsbecauseofwhatclientsmightthink.

YoucareaboutNatashaandherfuturewiththecompanybecauseyougenuinelybelieveshehasalotoftalent.Youwanttosupporthersuccess,whichiswhyyoubelievethatNatashadeservestoknowhowherapparelchoicescouldpotentiallybeaffectingherblossomingcareer.Toprepare,youcarefullyputtogetheryourABCmessageandchooseaprivatetimeandplacetohavethistoughconversationwithNatasha.

Whatcouldyoupossiblysay?

“Natasha,Iwanttotalktoyouaboutanawkwardissue.Ihavenoticedthatmanyofyourworkoutfitsdonotprojecttheprofessionalimagewearelookingfor.YourworkistopnotchandIamconcernedthatyourclothingchoicesmayhaveanegativeimpactonyourcredibilitywithclientsandthefirm’swillingnesstoletyouworkwithclients.Ithoughtyoudeservedtoknow.”STOPTALKING.

(Timeisneededtoletyourmessagesinkin.)

Thisisdefinitelyanawkwardconversation,yetNatashamaynotknowhowherclothingchoicescouldbeinfluencinghercredibilityandultimatelyhercareer.Youhavedoneagoodjobinnotusingjudgmentalor“hot”languageinthedeliveryofyourmessage,sosheismorelikelytobeabletoreallyhearwhatyouhavetosay.Wasiteasy?Probablynot...butrememberthatyouarecomingfromtheperspectiveof“Natashadeservestoknow.”

ItremindsmeofatimethatoneofthepartnersIworkedwithcameuptomeatlargefirmfunctiontoletmeknowthatIhadvisiblepantylinesthatcouldbeseenthroughmybeautifulredsuit.Iwashorrifiedandgratefulatthesametime.I’dhadnoidea.Ifshehadnottoldme,Imayhavecontinuedtomakethesamemistakeanditcouldhaveunderminedmyimage.Howhumiliating!Canyouimaginemedoingbattleinthecourtroomwithmyunderwearoutlinedforalltosee?Ifthatpartnerhadn’tsaidanythingtome,eventodayImightbestandinguponstagesdeliveringseminarsonchallengingconversationswithpantylinesshowing!Ishudderatthethought!Sure,thatpartner’swordsmayhavebeenembarrassingtohear,butfarbettertohearthemthannevertoknow.

GivingtheStraightGoods:NoContractforYou

Manytimesinmycareerasaconsultant,Ihavesubmittedproposalstodeliverworkshopsorpresentationsatevents.IwishIcouldsayIalwaysgetthegigbutitjustdoesn’thappenthatway-atleastnotforme.Moreoftenthannot,peopleareuncomfortabletellingyouthatyoudidn’tgetthecontractbecausetheyfeelbadlettingyoudown.Inmyexperience,theywillsendyouanemailtellingyouthatyouhadagreatproposalbuttheyhaveunfortunatelychosensomeoneelse,althoughtheywillbekeepingyourproposalonfileforfuturereference.Insomecases,peopledon’tevenrespondandhopethatyouwilljustgoawayandneverfollowupwiththem.Avoidingtheconversationisusuallyjusttheirwayoftryingtosoftentheblow,butwhenyouareonthereceivingendofthatavoidance,itcanbeextremelyfrustrating.

Ididhaveasituationinwhichsomeonedidareallygreatjobcommunicatingwithme:IhadmadeapersonalconnectionwiththispersonandshehadindicatedtomethatIwasgoingtobegettingacontractforaspeakingengagementwiththeorganizationsherepresented.However,herbosseshadhadachangeofheartanddecidedtogowithanotherprovider.Iknewshefeltbadbecauseshehadledmetobelievethatthecontractwasmine.Hergoalintalkingtomewastobehonestwithmethattherewasnocontractandtodoitinawaythatwasrespectfulandclear.Shegavemethecourtesyofaphonecallandsaidsomethinglikethis:

“Diane,Idon’tknowhowtosaythis:Theleadershipteamhasdecidedonadifferentcontractor.IwassurprisedanddisappointedbythedecisionandI

apologizefortellingyouthatyouhadthedeal.”

Asyoucansee,therewasnolongsonganddanceabout“oh,yourproposalisfabulous”or“wesolookforwardtoworkingwithyouinthefuture.”Commentslikethosewouldhavejustcomeacrossasinsincere.Aftertheconversation,sheaskedmehowshehaddonewithhertoughtalk.Inmyopinion,shehaddoneanexcellentjobofdeliveringdifficultnewsinawaythatleftmefeelingrespected.Igaveherthethumbsuponajobverywelldone.

AFinalThought

Congratulations!YouhavesuccessfullydeliveredyourABCmessage.Youdidalotofpreparation,whichisexactlywhatisnecessarytopulloffadifficultconversationsuccessfully.Whileyoumayfeelscaredoranxiouswhenyoudon’tknowexactlywhattheoutcomewillbe,ifyouprepare,anticipateandpracticehavingtheseconversationsyouwillgainconfidence.Irecommendyoustartwithconversationswherethestakesarelowertohoneyourskillsandincreaseyourconfidence.Asthesetalksbecomemorenaturaltoyou(andtrustme,theywill),thenyouwillbereadytofaceyourmostchallengingconversationsintheworkplace.

TopToolstoRecall:DeliveringYourABCMessage

-Bepreparedbyanticipatingtheotherperson’spotentialreactions.Knowingwhatmaybecomingwillhelpyoustaycalm,coolandconfident.

-Preparetheotherpersonforyourmessagebysettingthestage:askpermission,choosetherighttime(thesooner,thebetter)andchoosetherightvenue.-DeliveryourmessagewhilerememberingyourABCs:beaccurate,briefandclear.

Rightnowisthemomentwhenmanypeoplearetemptedtostop.Youhavefinallydeliveredyourmessageand,really,shouldn’tthatbeit?Youdidagoodjobandyoujustwantthestressandworrytobebehindyou-butIamafraidthatyourdifficultconversationisn’toverquiteyet.

Nowisthetimetostoptalkingandstartlisteningtotheotherpersonandfindoutwhatheorsheheardinyourmessageandwhathisorherperspectiveisonthematter.Let’sfaceit:ifyoubothagreedonthesubjectathand,youprobablywouldnothaveneededtohaveaconversationinthefirstplace.Luckily,Idohavesometricksupmysleeveforyoutoborrowifyouwanttohaveyourtoughtalkgoassmoothlyaspossible.Thenextpartofyourdifficultconversationbeginswithlistening.

Step3:StopTalkingandStartListening

Chapter8:It’saTalk,notaLecture

Chapter9:DealingWithDefenses

Chapter10:ManagingFreak-Outs

Chapter11:ToolstoStayCool

Chapter12:TellMeMore

Chapter8:It’saTalk,notaLecture

Chapterhighlights:

-Listentounderstandandacknowledgetheotherperson’sperspective,concernsandfeelings.

-Listenbyturningtheconversationover,embracingsilence,beingcurious,askingopen-endedquestionsandcalmingyourinsidevoice.

-Clarifyifneeded.

NowthatyouhavefinallydeliveredyourABCmessage,youprobablyfeelsomereliefandnowyoujustwantitalltobeover.Youaren’toutofthewoodsyet,however;themomentsfollowingthedeliveryofyourmessageareoftenthemostimportantaswellasthemostdifficult.Oncetheotherpersonfixesyouwiththatblankstare,incredulouslookordroppedjaw,thetemptationisverystrongtobabbleonandonandon.Resisttheurge.Theotherpersonsimplyneedstimeto

processyourmessageandrespond.Allowingspacetoletthemessagesinkinisnotonlypowerful,butitisalsodefinitelytoyouradvantage.Icantellyouthatifyoukeepchattingtheotherpersonup,itwillinevitablywaterdownyourmessage,dilutingitsimpactandquitepossiblyresultinginyoucompromisingorbackingdownbeforetheotherpersonhaseversaidawordinresponse.Atthisstage,werisksabotagingourselvesandourmessagebynotknowingwhenenoughisenough.ThebestchanceforapositiveoutcomewithyourdifficultconversationistostoptalkingassoonasyourABCmessagehasbeendelivered-thenstartlistening.

IAlreadyKnowHowtoListen,Don’tI?

TheMerriamWebsterOnlineDictionarydefineslisteningas:“tohearsomething

withthoughtfulattention:giveconsideration.”[xvii]

Yes,itsoundssimpleintheory,butputtingitintopracticeissomethingelseentirely,especiallyinthecontextofadifficultconversation.YoumightsecretlyharborthehopethattheotherpersonwillcomearoundtoyourwayofthinkingwithouthavinganythingtosayaboutyourABCmessage,butchancesaregoodthatatleastsomelisteningonyourpartwillberequiredinordertokeepthingsontrack.

Therearetwoimportantreasonsforlistening:

1.YouwanttofindoutexactlywhattheotherpersonhasheardoutofyourABCmessage.Braceyourself:youmightbesurprisedbywhatyoulearn.Thebottomlineisthatamessagesentisnotnecessarilythemessagereceived,despiteyourmeticulouspreparationandgoodintentions.

2.Youwanttofindoutwheretheotherpersoniscomingfrom.Whatisthestoryfromhisorherperspective?Peoplewillalwayshavetheirownpointsofviewontheissuesyouraiseandtheyaregoingtowantyoutohearthemout.Keepinmindthatpeoplearemuchmorelikelytohearandacceptyourmessagesiftheybelieveyouhavereallyheardandunderstoodtheirperspectivesandconcernsfirst.ThisisapersonalmotivatorformeandIamconstantlyremindingmyself,“Diane,listentothemfirstandtheyarewaymorelikelytotakeinyourmessage.”Maybethissoundsalittleself-serving,butitworks!

Okay,sothegoaloflisteningistounderstandwhatotherpeoplehaveheardandtobeclearabouttheirperspectives,concernsandfeelings.Bylistening,youhelptheotherpersontofeelheard,whichinturnmakesyour

messagethatmucheasiertodigest.

TheFirstStepinListening:ShutUp

Iusedtothinkthatlisteningsimplymeantnottalking.Inowknowthat,althoughthereismoretoitthanthat,nottalkingisafabulousstart.Intheory,weknowwehavetostoptalkinginordertolisten,yetinpractice,itisoftenanotherstory.

Ihaveatalkativeandfriendlycolleague,“LoquaciousLarry,”whomIrunintofromtimetotime.LarrylovestotalkevenmorethanIdo;ifyoucanescapeaconversationwithhiminlessthananhour,youaredoingwell.Oneday,heandIgotintoadiscussionaboutwhatIwasuptoandItoldhimaboutthemediationcourseItookatHarvardLawSchool.Hewassoexcitedthathejumpedintotellmeallabouthisexperiencewithmediation.Heevensharedthemostimportantlessonhehadlearned:"Youknow,DianewhatIhavelearnedisthatifyouaretalkingyoucan’tlearnanything.Ithasbeenagreatreminderformetolisten.”Ironic,huh?Well,believeme,thatwasn’ttheend.Hethenproceededtoblabonandonforanother30minutes,barelycomingupforair!Thelessonisthatthe“stoptalking”messageisgreatintheory,butpracticingitcanreallybedifficult.

TheGoodNews:ListeningCanBeLearned

Okay,maybeLoquaciousLarrystillhasawaytogo,butlisteningisaskillthatcanbelearnedwithpracticeand,moreimportantly,arealcommitment.Itislikegoingonanexerciseprogram:ifyouarepatientandyoustickwithit,youwillbeecstaticwiththeresults.Youwillneedalittlewillpower(ormaybealot,dependingonhowmuchyoulovetotalk)andawillingnesstodothingsdifferently.Knowingthatlisteningistherightthingandtheefficientthingtodoinyourtoughconversationsshouldprovidetheincentiveneededtosharpenyourlisteningskills.

Forme,understandingthepoweroflisteningwasarealmotivator-andifIcanlearntoreallylisten,believeme,anyonecan(maybeevenLoquaciousLarry!).Icomefromalonglineofincessanttalkers;everyoneinmyfamilylovestohearthesoundoftheirownvoicesand-I’malittleembarrassedtosay-tendstopreferthatsoundoverallothers.

Letmepaintthepictureforyou:

TherearefewfamilydinnersintheRosshouseholdwhereyouareabletofinishasentence,letaloneawholethought,withoutpeopleinterruptingandweighinginwiththeirownviewpoints.Familymembersoftenhaveinputintomultipleconversationsgoingonatthesametimeandtakeprideinthat(kindofbizarre)skill.Ifyoucan’tgetanyonetolisten,youputupyourhandtosignalthatyouarenextinlinetospeakyourmind.Believeme,Iknowitsoundscrazy;sometimesourdinnertablelooksmorelikeaclassinsessionthanafamilymeal.Iwasoneoftheworstoffenders-notashockerIsuppose-anditisonlywiththegreatestdisciplineandresolvethatIwaseverabletokeepmymouthshutlongenoughforsomeoneelsetofinishasentence.Oursisahouseholdwheredinnerguestsareshell-shockedaftertheirfirstmealwiththefamily.ThedinisabsolutelydeafeningandmanyanintelligentandtalkativenewcomerwaseffectivelysilencedbythechaoticdynamicsofatypicalRossfamilydinner.

Iwillneverforgetgivingmyhubbyahardtimefornotparticipatinginourfamilygabfestsearlyoninourrelationship.“Myfamilythinksyoudon’tlikethembecauseyouneversayanythingatdinner,”Iwouldcomplain.“Youjustsitthere.Whycan’tyoujustsaysomething?Anythingwouldbegood!”

Hisexasperatedresponsetomewassomethinglike,“Diane,itishardtoimaginesayinganythingwheneveryoneistalkingatthesametimeovereachotherandnevercomingupforair.Itgetslouderandlouderbytheminute!Icouldn’tgetawordinevenifI’dwantedto.”Well,ashardasitmightbetobelieve,myhubby’swordswerenewstome.Myextremelytalkativebehaviorwas(andis)soingrainedinmypsychethateventodaylisteningrequiresongoingeffortandvigilanceonmypart.

“Courageiswhatittakestostandupandspeak;courageisalsowhatittakestositdownandlisten.”

-SirWinstonChurchill

Yes,reallisteningisdifficult,butnothopeless.Hereistheproof:

Notthatlongago,hubbywastalkingtomeaboutanissuethathadcomeupatwork.Iwasreallyfocusingandpracticingmynewfoundlisteningskills.Inoddedmyheadandtriedtoreallytakeinwhathewassaying.Ieventossedinafew“umms”and“Isees”toshowthatIwasstayingpresentandinterestedinwhathewassaying.Afteraminuteorso,helookedatmeandsaid,“Areyouokay?Iseverythingallrightwithyou?”

Ireplied,“Ofcourse!Whydoyouask?”

Hesaid,“Wellyouaren’tsayinganything.Youaren’ttalking.”

Iresponded,“Iamlisteningtoyou,andIcan’ttalkandlistenatthesametime.”

Hewasabitsurprised-okay,maybeevenfloored-andthenhesaid,“Wow,thatisreallyawesome.”Musictomyears!

ToolstoBecomeaBetterListener

HereareafewtoolsIhaveusedtoimprovemyownlisteningskills(beyondjustshuttingmymouth,Imean):

1.Turntheconversationover.

AfteryouhavedeliveredyourABCmessage,bemindfulaboutturningtheconversationovertotheotherperson.Juststoptalkingandtakeabriefpause;that’sallthatisnecessarytogivetheotherpersontacitpermissiontojumpin.Thenallyouusuallyhavetodoissimplyembracesilenceandlisten.Easyaspie!

Ofcourse,notalkisgoingtobeentirelypredictableandatothertimesyoumayhavetoworkalittlehardertoturntheconversationover.Herearesomequestionsandcommentsthatwillhelpnudgetheotherpersontostartcontributing:

-Tellmewhatisgoingonfromyourperspective.

-WhatdoyouthinkaboutwhatIjustsaid?

-WhatisyourunderstandingofwhatIhavesaid?

-Whatisyourtakeonthis?

-Howdoyouseethings?

-Tellmewhatisgoingonforyourightnow.

-I’mcuriousaboutyourperspectiveonthis.

Thekeyhereistochoosequestionsorstatementsthatfeelnaturaltoyouandthenaddthemtoyourownpersonallistoftechniquesforturningyour

difficultconversationsovertotheotherperson.

2.Embracesilence.

Yourquestionshaveturnedtheconversationovertotheotherpersonandnowyouneedtoembracesilence.Asoneofmyprofessorssoeloquentlysaid,itisimportantto“shuttheduckup.”Theotherpersonneedsuninterruptedtimeinordertoreallyrespondtoyouand,onceyouhavegiventhattime,youbothstandabetterchanceofreachingaresolutionthatreallyworks.Becomfortablewithsilenceandresistthetemptationtofillitupwithemptychatter.

Manyofus,myselfincluded,areterrifiedofsilence;justaskalawyer,yourbestfriendoratalkshowhost.Whydowechatteron?Itcouldbebecausewewanttohelptheotherpersonand/oravoidthediscomfortofsilence.Yes,silencecanbeuncomfortable,butembracingsilenceispowerfulbecauseitsignalsconfidenceandremovesthedrivetocompeteforaturntotalk.Iliketoremindmyselftomarinateinthesilence.Justlikeasteak,theendproductisinvariablymuchbetterwhenyoudo!

3.Listenwithcuriosity.

Theconversationhasbeenturnedoverandnowtheotherpersonistellingyouhisorhersideofthestory.Nowisthetimetopaycloseattentiontowhatissaidandpossiblytowhatisleftunsaid.Simplyholdingyourtongueisnotenough;youhavetoactuallyfocus.Whatdidtheotherpersonhearyousay?Whatarehisorherconcerns?Whatishisorherperspective?Whatreallymatterstotheotherperson?Youmightthinkyoualreadyknowallofthisstuffsinceyoudidyourbesttoanticipatetheotherperson’sreactionsinthelastchapter,buthereisthething:ifthestorywerethesameforbothofyou,youprobablywouldn’tneedtobehavingthisconversationinthefirstplace...sopayattention.

Workhardtoputyourselfintheotherperson’sshoesandalwaysrememberthatyouarelisteningwithpurpose,whichtranslatestomeaningfullisteningandisthereforeverypowerful.Donotgazeoffintospace.Donotcasuallycheckyoursmartphone.Donotcuttheotherpersonoffmid-sentence.Thiskindofbehaviorwillnotgounnoticedandcouldcauseyourconversationtodegeneratefrom“tough”to“totalnightmare.”

“Wisdomistherewardyougetforalifetimeoflisteningwhenyou’dratherhave

beentalking.”

-Aristotle

IthinkbacktowhenIfirstreadstoriestomychildren;theylistenedtothestoryandthenaskedquestionsaboutthegoodguy,thebadguy,thebestfriend,etc.Thentheylistenedtomyanswers.Theydidn’thaveanypreconceivednotions,assumptionsorideasabouthowthestorywouldendorevenhoworwhythecharactersbehavedastheydid.ThatisthekindoflisteningIamtalkingabout:learntolistenwithcuriosityandanopenmind,justlikechildrendo(beforetheylearntotalkback,anyway).

Evenifyouthinkyouknow“thetruth,”beopenandreceptivetoanotherstory.Nomatterhowconvincedyouarethatyourassumptionsarecorrect,youmaybesurprisedtolearnsomethingnew.Wehaveallexperiencedatimewhenwestormedangrilyintoaconversationonlytodiscoverthatourupsetfeelingswerebasedonamisunderstanding(e.g.“Whatdoyoumeanyoudidn’tstealmyluckypen?Oh,uh,it’srighthereinmydrawer.Er,sorry”).Whatawasteofenergy!Insteadofclingingtoyourownpreconceivednotions,listenintentlyandaskquestionsonlywhentheotherpersonhasfinishedtalking-nointerrupting.Youmightbeamazedbywhatyoucanlearn!

4.Calmyourinsidevoice.

Oneofthesecretstolisteningattentivelyisbeingabletoquietyourinsidevoiceinrealtime.Wetalkedaboutthisalittleinchapterthree,soyouknowyouneedtohushyourinsidevoicebeforeyoucancraftasolidABCmessage,butwhataboutwhenyourinsidevoiceisstillchatteringawayonceyourdifficultconversationhasstarted?Wehaveallbeenguiltyatsomepointoflisteningmoretothesnappyretortsofourinsidevoicesthantowhattheotherpersonisactuallysaying.Wepresentafacadeoflistening(somebetterthanothers),butwearetoobusyformulatingourcounterargumenttobeabletohearwhatisactuallygoingon.Wewanttobereadytopouncetheminutetheotherpersonslowsdowntotakeabreath.Thisislisteningtorespond,nottruelistening.Wemayhaveheardthewords,sortof,butwehaven’treallylistenedandthereforedon’tunderstandtheotherperson’sstoryatall.

Thekindoflisteningwewanttopracticeislisteningwithcuriosityinordertogenuinelyunderstandtheotherperson’sperspective.Nowisthetimetocalmyourinsidevoicebecauseyousimplycannotlistenwhileyourinsidevoice

isblabberingonandon.Remember,tocalmyourinsidevoice,itisveryhelpfultodoa“mentaldump,”whichmeanslettinggoofyourbeliefs,assumptionsandjudgments.Then,askyourselfwhytheotherpersonwouldsaywhattheyaresaying.Whatarethemainconcernshereandhowdoesthissituationlookfromhisorherperspective?Everyonewantstobeheardandunderstood,soifyou’reaimingforasuccessfulconversation(andIsurehopeyouare!),youneedtocalmyourinsidevoiceandreallyheartheotherperson.Yes,itcanbetough,butifyoucommittoimprovingyourabilitytolistenbybeingcuriousandquellingyourinsidevoice,Ipromiseyouwillbepleasantlysurprisedbytheresults.

AskGoodQuestions

Awesome!You’velistenedtotheotherperson.Nowwhat?Well,nowyouarereadytoasksome“tellmemore”questionsthatdonotpresumetoalreadyknowtheanswer.Askinga“tellmemore”questionwillgetyoutheanswersyouneedtodigdeeperintoanissue.Thegoalistogainathoroughunderstandingoftheotherperson’sperspectivesoyoucanmoveforwardinyourconversation.

HereisanexampleofwhatI’mtalkingabout:

Yourbosssaysyouarenotgettingthepromotionyouwerehopingforbecauseyouhavenotshowninitiative.Youassumethat“initiative”meansworkinglonghoursandtakingonlotsofprojectsandassignments,allofwhichyouhavedone.Youleavethemeetingfumingandcan’tstopstewingoverit,soyoudecideyouneedtotalktoyourboss.Whenyoudofinallymeetwithhim,youtellhimthatyouareupsetthatyoudidnotgetthepromotionbecauseyoubelievethatyouhaveshownlotsofinitiative.Heflat-outdisagreesandyouareleftevenmorefrustratedthanbeforeyouwalkedintothatconversation.

Theproblem:youneveraskedyourbosswhathemeantby“initiative.”Whatdoesitmeantohim?Hisversionofinitiativemaybeverydifferentthanyours(infact,atthispointyoucanprobablycountonit).Maybeyourbossperceivesinitiativeastakingtheleadonprojectsandmakingtoughdecisions,whichissomethingyouhaveshiedawayfrom.Maybehemeanspickingupweekendshifts,whichyouhaven’tdonebecauseyouprefertoreserveweekendsforfamilytime.“Initiative”couldmeananynumberofthingshere,soyouaregoingtohavetotakethebullbythehornsandfindoutexactlywhatyourbosswaslookingforsoyouwillgetthepromotionyou’reaftersoonerratherthanlater.Your“tellmemore”questionmightbe:

“Wouldyoutellmemoreaboutwhat‘initiative’looksliketoyou?”

Then,asyourbossexplainshisdefinitionof“initiative,”yourjobistolistentounderstand,nottoargueordisagree.Sure,maybeyouarestillupsetandhavesomechoicewordsbrewingforyourboss,butlettingyourinsidevoicegetinvolvedisnotgoingtohelp,especiallyifyouareseriousaboutgettingthatpromotion.

Herearesomemoreexamplesof“tellmemore”questions:

-Ineverthoughtofitaboutthatway.Tellmemoreaboutyourperspective.

-Idon’tunderstand.Wouldyoupleasetellmemore?

-Howdoyoufeelaboutthis?Tellmemore.

-Iamwonderingwhatinformationyouhavereliedontoreachthatconclusion;tellmemore.

-Tellmemoreaboutwhythisisimportanttoyou.

-Youseemconcerned;pleasetellmemore.

Thequestionsabovehelpyoutolearnmoreabouttheotherperson’ssideofthestorysothatyoubothcanbeasclearaspossible.Ontheflipside,itcanbeprettyeasytodressupyourassumptionsandjudgmentsasquestions(usuallyyourinsidevoiceistheculprit),butthesearenottrue“tellmemore”questionsandwillnotpropelyourconversationsintherightdirection.Takealookatsomeofthese“questions:”

-Doyoureallythinkit’sokaytoarrivelatetoourmeetings?

-Youaren’treallygoingtoleavebeforethereportsaredone,areyou?

-Don’tyouthinkifyouhadputmoreeffortin,wemighthavelandedthecontract?

-Youknowyouweren’tbeingveryresponsiblehere,right?

Ifyouhaveeverbeenaskedsomethinglikethis,youknowhowterribleitfeelsandhowquicklyyoucangetyourbackup.Thesetypesof“questions”areclosertoacourtroomcross-examinationthana“tellmemore”questionandwillcertainlyputtheotherpersononthedefensive.Don’tgothere,nomatterhowtempting.Keepyourfocusonembracingsilence,askinggoodquestionsand

reallylisteningtotheotherperson’sanswersinsteadofyourinsidevoicechatter.Thisishowyoucreategoodlisteninghabits.

AcknowledgetheOtherPerson

Acknowledgementletstheotherpersonknowthatyoupaidattention,thatyoulistened.IusedtothinkthatifIacknowledgedotherpeople’sviewsorperspectives,itimpliedeitherthatIagreedwiththemorthattheywererightandIwaswrong(notmyfavoritething).Notso.Idiscoveredthroughmyresearchthatacknowledgementisnotaboutagreementorbackingdown.ItisactuallyanotherverypowerfulwayofshowingthatIampayingattentionandthatIamtryingtounderstandwhatisgoingonfortheotherperson.OnceIrealizedthatacknowledgmentconveyedstrength,notweakness,Iwasabletopracticeacknowledgementmuchmorefreelyinmydifficultconversations.

Ultimately,acknowledgmentisaboutcreatinganatmosphereofrespect,eveninyourtoughestofconversations.Herearetwowaysforyoutoacknowledgetheotherperson’sstory:

1.Summarizeinyourownwordswhatyourunderstandingisoftheotherperson’sperspectiveandconcerns.

Usekeywordsandlanguagethatisconsistentwithwhoyouareasaperson.Donotparrot,mimicorotherwiserepeatwhattheotherpersonsaidtoyoubecauseitsoundscontrivedanddoesnotshowthatyouactuallyheardtheotherperson.Mysonlikestoremindmethatparrotingworksforbirds,notforpeople.

Toacknowledgeotherperson’spointofview,trythesephrases:

-LetmemakesureIunderstandwhatyou’resaying...

-Allright,whatIthinkyouaresayingis...

-Itseemstomethatyouaresaying...

-ThewayIhearitis...

-Itsoundslikeyouthinkthat...

Again,youwillwanttotrythesekindsofphrasesonforsizeandseewhatfeelsgenuineandauthentictoyou.Theideahereisnottohaveanarsenalofcannedresponsesbutratheratoolkitfullofresourcestohelpyouconveyyour

genuineacknowledgementofwhattheotherpersonissaying.

2.Acknowledgetheirfeelings.

Acknowledgingsomeoneelse’sfeelingsisaboutlettingtheotherpersonknowyouaremakingasincereeffortto“getit.”Itisaboutputtingyourselfinsomeoneelse’sshoes,whichdemonstratesempathy.Thiscanbedonewithwords,anodoftheheadorsimplystayingphysicallypresentandconnectedtotheconversation.RememberhowmyhubbywasstunnedthatIactuallylistenedtohisworkissue?ThedifferenceinhowIlistened-bystayingpresent,interjectinglittle“hmms”and“Isees”andnotinterrupting-madeanimmediateandpalpabledifferencetohim.Thepersonyouarehavingtheconversationwithwillnoticeandappreciateyourefforts,too.

Watchthatyoudonotconfuseempathywithsympathy.Sympathyistakingonsomeelse’spainasyourown,asin:“Oh,thatisjusttoohorrible,”“Iwouldjustdieifsomeonesaidthat,”or“Ohno,Iwentthroughthesamethingwhen...”Toomuchsympathycanfeelfakeandtheotherpersonwillprobablystarttomutterthingslike:“Hey,thisismyissue,notyours-getoveryourself!”or“Don’tpretendtocarehowIfeelrightnow!”Ifyousaytosomeone,“Iunderstandhowyoufeel,”despiteyourgoodintentionstheirknee-jerkresponseisinvariably,“No,youdonotknowhowIfeel,”or“Don’tactlikeyoucareaboutthisasmuchasIdo!”Sympathyonlyservestoshutdowncommunication.Empathy,ontheotherhand,respectspeople’sindependenceandshowsthatyoucareabouttheirfeelingswithoutmakingassumptionsabouthowthey’refeeling.

Trysomeofthesephrasestoacknowledgetheotherperson’sfeelingsorconcerns:

-Itseemstome...

-Ihearyousaying...

-Youseemupset/hurt/disappointedetc.

-Inoticethat...

-Icanunderstandwhyyouwouldbeupset/hurtetc.

Insummary,acknowledgingotherpeopleshowsthemthatyouarelisteningandattemptingtounderstandtheirperspectives,concernsandfeelings.Remember,acknowledgementisnotagreementora“youwin,Ilose”scenario,

soyoucanbegenuineinyouracknowledgmentwithoutfearthatyouareweakeningyourmessage.Beingauthenticasyouacknowledgeiskey;ifyoucomeacrossasmechanicalandinsincere,youwillnotcreateanatmosphereofrespectandtheotherpersonmayfeelpatronizedandthengetdefensive.Remembertochoosewordsthatfeelnatural.Forpractice,testyouracknowledgmentskillsoutonlovedonestoseewhatworksandfeelsrightforyou.Myentireextendedfamilyhasservedasguineapigsformyresearch,sowhynotenlistyourstohelpyouout,too?

ClarifyIfNeeded

Asyouarelisteningtotheotherperson,youmighthearthingsthatjustdon’tmakesenseandyoumaybegintowonderifyourintendedmessagewasactuallyunderstood.Ifso,itisdefinitelyokaytoclarifywhattheotherperson’sunderstandingofyourmessageis.Youmaysimplyneedtoclearsomethingupordigalittledeeper.That’sperfectlynormal-thisisadialogue,afterall,withtwopeopleexchangingtheirperspectivesandopinions.Nevershyawayfromclarifyingwhennecessaryoryouriskhavingtostartyourconversationalloveragainfromscratchanotherday.

Ifandwhenyoudofindyourselfneedingtoclarify,alwayschooseyourwordsandtonecarefullysoyoudonotcomeacrossascondescending.Youmayfeellikeabrokenrecord,butifyouspeakasthoughyouarefrustratedforhavingtorepeatyourselforasiftheotherpersonisstupidfornotunderstandingyouthefirsttimearound,youaresettingyourconversationupforamajordownturn.Iftheotherpersondidnotunderstandyouonthefirsttry,rewordyourpoint(versususingthesameexactlanguage)andmakesuretokeepyourtoneneutral,notirritatedorimpatient.Rememberthatyouaretryingtokeepanenvironmentofrespect,notofcriticismorjudgment.

TakingtheTime:MotherKnowsBest

Bynow,youmightbesaying,“Areyoukidding?Idon’thavetimeforallofthis!”Iadmitthatitdoessoundlikealot-but“alot”doesn’talwaysmeanittakesalotoftime,especiallynotonceyouhavemasteredthebasicsofmanagingtrickyconversations.Listeningandacknowledgingdoesnotmeanyouhavetohavealong,drawn-outconversation.Infact,whenpeoplefeelheard,theyoftendon’tfeeltheneedtorepeatthemselvesoverandoveragain,soultimatelyyourchallengingtalksgetshorter.

Ihaveexperimentedwithtakingthetimetolistenanditreallydoesworktokeepthingsconcise.Ididthisoncewithmymotherwho,likealotofmothers,lovestogivemeendlessadvice.Idecidedthatthenexttimeithappened,Iwouldlistenandacknowledgeherpointofviewratherthangetintoalengthy,irritatingdebate.Hereishowitwentdown:

IwenttovisitmymomjustbeforeIwasabouttodoaworkshop.Theelevatorwasoutofserviceinherbuildingandshewasconcernedaboutmeliftingmyheavyrollingbriefcasedownthestairsandouttomyvehicle.So,shetoldmeherplanforhow“we”shouldgetthebriefcasedownthestairsandtothecar.Now,youhavetounderstandthatmymotherhadjusthadahipreplacementandwasn’tgoinganywhere-certainlynotdowntheseveralflightsofstairswithmeandmysuitcase!

Normally,inthesekindsofsituations,Iwouldgrumblethingslike,“IthinkI’moldenoughtofigureouthowtogetmybriefcasetothecar”and“Whydoesn’tshejustmindherownbusiness?”Myirritationwithmymomwouldbereflectedinmybodylanguage,mytoneofvoiceandmyfacialexpressions.Wewouldthenhaveabitofadebateabouttheissue.Iwouldstandmygroundandshewouldaccusemeofnotlisteningtoher.

Onthedayinquestion,Icalmedmyinsidevoiceandsaidtomyself,Whyismomtellingmethis?It’sbecausesheistryingtobehelpfulandisworriedaboutmecarryingmylargebriefcase.Withthatinmind,Iwasabletohaveamentaldumpandactuallylistentohergrandplan.Ithenacknowledgedherbysayingsomethinglike,“Itsoundslikeyouareconcernedaboutmecarryingmybriefcaseandyouthinkitwouldbeagoodideatobringmycartotheloadingzone.”

Momrepliedwithasimple“yes,”butshewasdefinitelyalittleshockedbecause,basedonalotofpastexperience,shehadexpectedmetopushbackandbeargumentative.ShewasrefreshinglysatisfiedthatIhadlistenedtoherpointofviewandIwasdelightedtorealizethatacknowledgingherperspectivedidnotmeanIhadtoacceptorfollowheradvice.Itwasreallyaboutrespectingmymomandherviews-andIgottoavoidanargumentwithapersonIlove(andstillcarryonasplanned).

Ifyouarestillunsureaboutacknowledginganotherperson’sperspective,feelfreetotryitoutonaclosefamilymember,asIdid.Thenexpecttobeverypleasedwhenyourealizehoweasyitcanbetocircumventanargumentandshortenatoughtalksimplybyconveyingrespectthroughacknowledgment.

UncoveringtheBiggerPicture:TardyTina

Let’slookatacommonworkdilemma:thelateemployeeorcoworker.It’seasyforyourinsidevoicetogetcarriedawayinaheartbeathere,butsometimesthereismoretothestorythanfirstmeetstheeye.Youmaybesurprisedbywhatyoucanlearnandthecreativesolutionsyoucanuncoversimplybylistening.

Let’ssaythatoneofyourkeystaffmembers,TardyTina,consistentlyarriveslateforwork.Asluckwouldhaveit,TardyTinaisoneawesomeemployeeandyou’vebeenlaxintakinganyactionagainstherperpetuallatenessbecauseyoudon’twantrisklosingher.Unfortunately,nowotheremployeesarecomplainingthatTinaisgettingspecialtreatment;yourealizethatyoucan’tstallanylongerwithoutriskingyourreputationasaleader.It’stimetotakesomedirectaction.

So,whataretherealfacts?TardyTinahasbeenlate16timesinthepastmonth.YouhavemadeanassumptionthatTinathinkssheisabovetherulesbecauseofherotherwiseawesomeworkethic,butyouknowthatassumptionsdonotequalfactsandthereforemayhavenobearingontherealstory.Althoughyouareirritated,youremindyourselftoquellyourinsidevoicesothatyouandTinacanhaveagenuinedialoguetogettotherootoftheissue.

Youinitiateyourtalk,lettingTardyTinaknowhowmanytimesshehasbeenlatethismonth;thenyoustoptalkingsothatyourmessagecansinkin.Asyouhadanticipated,Tinadefendsherself,remindingyoushecommutesfurtherthanmost,isaconsistentlyhighproducerandstayslatewheneverneeded.Youaretemptedtoreacttoherexcuses,butyouresist.Instead,yousimplylistenandthenacknowledgethateverythingTinasaidistrue.Aclarifyingquestionwouldnowservewell,somethinglike:“Iwonderifyouwouldtellmewhyyou’vebeenlatesomanytimesthismonth.IstheresomethinggoingonthatIshouldknowabout?”Initially,thereissilence,butthenTinaunloadsand,asyougettherealtruth,yourassumptionsflyoutthewindow.

ItturnsoutthatTinadropsheryoungdaughteroffattheschoolbusstopeverymorningonherwaytowork,butondark,cold,wetwintermorningshasahardtimeleavingherstandingtherealone.Youcompletelyunderstandherdilemma,soyouask,“Doyouhaveanyideashowwecouldresolvethis?”TardyTinasuggestsflexingherhourstostart15minuteslaterinthemorningandstay15minuteslaterintheafternoon.Asshehadalreadypointedout,sheoftenstayslateintheafternoonanyway,sothisisagoodsolutionforherandyounowhave

someoneyoucancounttobethereeachdaytocloseupshop.YouagreeandlaternotifytherestofthestaffthatTardyTina’shourshavechanged.YouclarifywithTinayourexpectationsthat,withhernewworkhours,shewillbeontimeforworkeachday.

Goodjob!Bylettinggoofyourassumptions,openingupanhonestdialoguewithTinaandthenreallybeingpresentforwhatshehadtosay,youwereabletocomeupwithacreativesolution.NotonlydoTina’snewhoursbenefitthebothofyou,buttherestofyourstaffnowknowsthatyouareafairemployerwhoiswillingtoworkwiththemtofindappropriatesolutionstoreal-lifeproblems.Thisisjustonescenario,buttheprincipleappliestovirtuallyendlessworkplacesituations:bylistening,youcanlearnalotandavoidgettingunnecessarilyworkedupaboutassumptionsandjudgmentsthatneverneededtobemade.Whenyoulistenandkeepanopenmind,youpavethewaytoaproductiveconversationandabetteroveralloutcome.

SummingUp

Rememberthattousethetoolsandskillshere,youmustbegenuinelyinterestedinwhattheotherpersonissayingandfeeling.Ifyouarenotinterested,itwillshinethroughinyourbodylanguage:Iamtalkingaboutzoningout,blankstares,crossedarms,tappingtoes,smartphonechecks,etc.Donotassumetheotherpersonwon’tmindyourmore-than-obvioussignals.Instead,committoengagingandgivingtheotherpersonthegiftofyourattention.

Don’tworryaboutrespondingfornow;youwillgetyouropportunitylateron,sojustsitback,relaxandpayattentiontowhattheotherpersonissayingrightnow.Whenyoulistenandacknowledge,youtakethecompetitionoutofyourtalkandtheotherpersonwillfeelheard,whichwillmakeitmorelikelythatyouwillalsobelistenedto.Theendresultisthatyourtoughconversationwillbeoverfasterandlikelywithmuchmoredesirableresults.

TopToolstoRecall:ListenInsteadofLecture

-Onceyouhavedeliveredyourmessage,turntheconversationovertotheotherpersonsoheorshehastheopportunitytorespond.-Showconfidencebyembracingsilence.-Learntostifleyourinsidevoiceinrealtime.

-Askgoodquestions,listentounderstand,andacknowledgetheotherperson’sperspectives,concernsandfeelings.

Wow!First,youpreparedanddeliveredyourABCmessage.Then,youembracedsilenceandturnedtheconversationovertotheotherperson.Youstoppedtalkingandaskedgood“tellmemore”questionstoreallygettotheheartoftheissue.Youlistenedintentlyandwithcuriosity.Next,youacknowledgedtheotherperson’sperspective,concernsandfeelings.Whew!Congratsonajobwelldone!

Now,hereisthecatch:thisprocesssofarassumesthateverythinghasgoneprettysmoothlyinyourdifficultconversation.However,therealityisthatnomatterhowpreparedyouareorhowperfectyourABCmessageis,thingscangosidewaysintheblinkofaneye.Humanbeingsarecomplicatedandweneverquiteknowforsurehowpeoplewillrespondtoourmessages,evenwhenwedoourbesttoanticipate.Iftheotherpersondoesn’t“seethelight”rightaway,howareyougoingtomanagetheresponsetokeeptheconversationontrack?Don’tworry:I’mnotgoingtothrowyoutothewolvesnowwhenyouhavealreadycomesofar!Therearewaystodealwithdefensiveorotherwiseunwelcomereactionsinyourtoughconversations,solet’stakealookatthosenext.

Chapter9:DealingWithDefenses

Chapterhighlights:

-“Shuttheduckup.”

-Avoidrespondingtotheotherperson’sdefensiveness.

-Helptheotherpersonsaveface.

WhenyouhaveworkedsohardtocraftanddeliveraproductiveABCmessage,thenareintentonreallylisteningtotheotherperson,itcanseemsupremelyunfairwhenyouaremetwithanupset,hostile,unkindorotherwisedefensivereaction.Itisdefinitelychallengingtolistenandkeepthetalkontrackwhenpeopleresponddefensivelyinyourdifficultconversationsand,althoughyoumightwishandhopeandpraythattheywon’tgetdefensive,chancesarehighthattheywill-soit’sbesttobeprepared.

WhatexactlydoImeanbyadefensiveresponse?Iftheystartmaking

excusesordenyingthattheysaidordidsomething,thatisadefensiveresponse.Iftheystartinwiththeblamegameordroneonandonwithlengthyexplanations,thatisadefensiveresponse.Althoughdefensivenesscancomplicateyourdifficultconversations,itisacompletelynaturalknee-jerkreactionwhensomeonefeelsembarrassed,disappointedorcriticized.Hey,thisisatoughtalk,right?Dealingwithsomeone’sdefensesisjustpartofthedeal.Ifyoulearnhowtomanagetheseresponses,youaresettingyourselfupforsuccessinyourdifficultconversations.

“Circumstancesarebeyondhumancontrol,butourconductisinourownpower.”

-BenjaminDisraeli[xviii]

Nowthattheotherperson’sdefenseshavekickedin,yourdiscussionisnolongeranintellectualexercise;thisiswheretherubbermeetstheroad.Thegoodnews:yourresponsetotheotherperson’sdefensivenesswillguidewherethingsgofromhere.Youinfluencebigtimetheotherperson’sreactionstoyourmessagethroughouttheconversation.

Ifyoureactnegativelytotheotherperson’sdefensiveness,itaddsfueltothefire.Evenifheorsheisactinglikeacompletetwit,jumpingintointerrupt,correctorcounterwhatisbeingsaidislikedumpingawholebunchofgasoline-soakednewspapersonyourfireandthenlightingthemwithablowtorch.Resisttheurgetoreactoryoumightendupburningdownthewholeoffice.

Rememberthatyourgoalistohaveasuccessfulconversationaboutanissueorconcernthatisimportanttoyou,nottogetinvolvedinalong-windeddiscussionaboutunrelatedorlessimportantissues.Reactingtotheotherperson’sdefensivenessisasurefirewaytosidetracktheconversation.Sowhatareyousupposedtodoifnotdefendyourselfinkind?Thekeyistopayattentiontotheotherpersonandletthedefensivenessfizzleoutnaturally.Onewaytodothatistoremindyourselfto“shuttheduckup”-ifyouaren’ttalking,thenyouaren’treacting!

WhatIsDefensivenessReallyAbout?

Defensivenessisaprimalinstinct.Often,peoplefeelcompelledtoresponddefensivelyovereventhemostinnocentofcomments.Quiterecently,Iwas

invitedtoapotluckdinnerpartyandIwasputonsaladduty.WewereinthekitchenenjoyingaglassortwoofChardonnayandagabsession(bothofwhichIhappentolove).Withdinneralmostready,Istartedtopreparemysaladandwasjustabouttopouronthedressingwhenmygirlfriendsaidtome,“Diane,don’ttossthesaladyet.”

Iimmediatelyshotback,“Hey,Iknow!Iwasn’tgoingto!”eventhoughIhadthelidoff,clearlypoisedtopourmy(ifIdosaysomyself)fabuloussaladdressing.Welaughedaboutitlater,butwhyonearthdidIautomaticallyrespondsodefensively?Wearetalkingaboutasaladhere!

Dictionary.comdefinesdefensivenessas:“excessivelyconcernedwithguardingagainsttherealorimaginedthreatofcriticism,injurytoone’segoor

exposureofone’sshortcomings.”[xix]

Evenifwedonotintendtocomeacrossascritical,ourmessagemightbeperceivedthatway.Ifyousaytoyourcolleague,“Youwerelatefortheclientlunchtoday.What’sup?”shemayreactbysaying,“Well,Iamnottheonlyonewhoiseverlate.Youarelatesometimes,too!Whoareyoutocriticizeme?Iworkhard!”Responseslikethisleaveusreelingbecausewecan’tfigureoutwhatitwaswesaidthatsetthemoff.Usually,theculpritiscriticism,whetherrealorimagined.Noonelikestofeelcriticized.

Inthesamesituation,wemightbetemptedtodefendourinitialstatementbysaying,“Iamnottheonewhowaslate!Besides,wearetalkingaboutyou,notme.Isimplyaskedaquestion;whydoyouhavetobesodifficult?”Oops!Nowthisconversationhasofficiallygonesidewaysthanksnotjusttoyourcolleague’sdefensiveness,buttoyoursaswell.Whentheotherpersonrespondsdefensively,youeithershuttheduckuporstaycalmandclarifywhatyoumeant.Youmightsay,“Itwasn’tmyintentiontoquestionyourworkethic.Whenyouwerelate,Iwasconcernedthatsomethingwaswrong.”Thenembracesilence.

Whenpeoplesensethattheircharactersarebeingquestioned,theytendtofeelembarrassedorhurt,whichcausesthemtoreactdefensively.Iftheybelievethatwehavesaid(orimplied)thattheyarerude,inconsiderate,self-centered,unreliable,irresponsible,incompetent,etc.,theywillhaveastrongurgetoprotectthemselvesandtheirfeelingsofself-worth.Forexample,ifwesay,“Jane,youseemreallydistractedlately.Areyouokay?”Janemayresponddefensivelybyretorting,“I’mfine-butIamabusymomandmytimeisnotmyown,”or“JusttryhavingasmanyballsintheairasIdo,”or“Ican’tbelieveyouaregivingmeahardtimewitheverythingIhavegoingon!”Evenwithyour

relativelyinnocuousquestion,Janemayfeelthatherimageasareliablepersonisonthelineand,toprotectherselfandherfeelingsofself-worth,sherespondsdefensively.

Whenyou’reupagainstasituationlikethis,resisttheurgetoreact.Stayfocusedonyourultimategoalfortheconversationandbewillingtoimmediatelyletanydefensivecommentsgoforthesakeofstayingontrack.Insteadofsaying,“Sheesh!Iwasjusttryingtobenice.Don’tyouthinkyou’reoverreacting?”trythis:“Wow,itsoundslikeyouhavealotonyourplaterightnow.IsthereanythingIcandotosupportyou?”Youarefarmorelikelytogetaproductiveresponseifyouavoidyourowndefensivenessevenwhentheotherpersonisgettingdefensive.

Evenwhenthestakesdon’tseemhighatall,likewiththe“areyouokay”or“what’sup”questionsabove(ormysaladdressingincident),manyofusarequicktodefendourselves.Whenthestakesarehigh,defensivenessisallthemorelikely,sojustacceptthatnomatterhowperfectlycraftedyourmessageis,peoplemaystillresponddefensively.Assoonasyoudo,youcanstartworkingonchoosingnottoreacttodefensivenessandinsteadtosimplyletitrunitscourse.

HittingaSoftSpot

Ifyouconfrontsomebodywiththe“straightgoods”andheorsherespondsdefensively,thereisagoodchancethatyouhavetouchedonasensitiveissue.Inotherwords,theremayactuallybesometruthinwhatyouaresaying.Forexample,ifsomebodysaystomethatshebelievesIneedtospeakuptobeheardandthatIamjusttoodarnquiet,Iwouldbesurprisedbythecomment(sinceIamalittle,shallwesay,talkative),yetIwouldnotfeeldefensivebecauseIamconfidentinmybeliefthatIamanoutspokenperson.Ontheotherhand,ifshehadsaidtomethatIneedtolearntocontrolhowmuchItalkbecauseotherpeoplefeelthattheycan’tgetawordinedgewisewhenIamaround,thenIwouldbefarmorelikelytoresponddefensivelybecauseonsomelevelIalreadyknowthatmytalkativenessisnotalwaysconstructive.

Oneyear,asecretaryofminegavefeedbacktomybossformyannualperformancereview,sayingthatIwasdisorganized(whichisa“hot”term).Asyoucaneasilyimagine,Iwasquitedefensiveaboutthisfeedbackandimmediatelyturnedthetablesonher.Iclaimedthatshewasthedisorganizedone,thenIthrewinsomeextracriticismforgoodmeasure:shewasalways

wastingmyprecioustimetalkingtomeaboutherpersonalproblems.IreactedthiswaybecauseIliketothinkofmyselfasanorganizedpersonbutreally,ifIhadbeencompletelyhonestwithmyself,Iwouldhaveadmittedthatonsomelevel,mysecretarywasright.Idotendtobesomewhatdisorganized.

Whenyouaddresspeople’sshortcomings-orevenwhenyousimplyexplainyourfeelingswithoutactuallypointinganyfingersofblame-youcanexpectdefensivereactionsbecauseyouknowyou’lllikelybehittinganerve.Thosesoftspotsaren’tsomethingyoucancontrolandtheyshouldn’tpreventyoufromhavingyourtoughtalk.Justknowingtheyarethereandunderstandingwhereadefensivereactionmaybecomingfromisagoodwaytohelppreventyoufromreactingunproductivelytodefensiveresponses.

Defensiveness:anAttempttoUndermineYourPerspective

Remember,whenpeoplestartdenyingthings,makingexcuses,justifyingpoorbehaviororblamingothers,itisabigflashingwarningsignthattheyareonthedefensive-bigtime.Thesereactionsarepeople’smisguidedattemptstoconvinceyouaswellasthemselvesthattheyareblameless.Defensivenessisadesperateattempttorewritethetruth.Theyarehopingthatiftheykeepsayingsomethingistrue,somehowitwillbe.Ofcourse,themoretheyprotestortrytoconvinceyou,thelessconvincedyoubecome.Therealityisthatadefensiveresponsedoestheoppositeofwhatitsetsouttodo:itunderminesratherthanbolsterscredibility.Weareleftwonderingwhytheydon’tjusthavethecouragetoownuptothetruth.Unlessoneofyouchoosesnottogetinvolvedinthecycleofdefensiveretaliations,yourdiscussionwillquicklybecomea“winorlose”scenarioinwhichbothpartiescompetetosettherecordstraight.Yourtalkbecomesfrenziedaseachpersonpicksaparttheother’sflaweddefensiveargumentsuntilthereisnothingleftbutrawemotionsandflaredtempers.

“Inconflict,defensivenessislikebloodinthewatertoashark.Alittlehere,alittlethere,andinnotimethesituationhasdegeneratedintoafeedingfrenzy.”

-JamesW.Tamm[xx]

Ratherthanfantheflamesbyreactingtodefensivecommentsandpickingapart“untruths”orskewedstories,itisbesttolettheotherperson’sdefensivenesssimplyfizzleoutnaturally.Onceheorsheisfinishedspeaking,youwillhavetheopportunitytorespondpowerfully.Thereisnoneedtowrestle

withtheotherperson’sdefensivereactionsandthereisnochancethatanythingyoucouldsayinretaliationwouldbeproductive,anyway.

YourSkillsinAction:DefensiveDon

Let’slookatanexampleofhowtohandledefensivenessinatoughworkplaceconversation:Imagineyouhaveacolleague,Don,wholovestojokeandhavefun.Mostofthetimeyouareokaywithit,buteveryonceinawhilehegoesjustabittoofar.Inyourlastmeeting,whenyouweresuggestingcertainaccommodationsforyourupcomingconferenceinVegas,Donsnorted,“Ugh,youaresuchaprincess.Youdon’talwayshavetostayinafive-starresort,youknow.”Everyonesnickeredandyourfaceturnedthecolorofatomato.Youofferedasmalllaugh,butwiselysaidnothing.Inside,youarereallyupsetand,afterashortcooling-offperiod,youdecidetotalktoDon.

Atanappropriatetimeandplace,youdeliveryourmessage:

“Don,whenyoucalledmeaprincessinthemeetingthismorning,Ifeltreallyembarrassed.Ifyouhaveanissuewithmysuggestionofwheretostayfortheconference,Ihavenoproblemdiscussingthat.Ijusthaveaproblemwithbeingcalledaprincess.”STOPTALKING(andprepareforadefensiveresponse).

DefensiveDonrespondsbysaying,“Aw,comeon,Diane!Iwasjusthavingsomefunwithyou.Whydon’tyoulightenupandtakethecommentinthecontextinwhichitwasintended?”

DoesDon’sresponsemakeyoufeelbetterorconvinceyouthatyoudon’tknowhowtotakeajoke?Nope!WhatDonisdoingistryingtoconvinceyou(andhimselftoo)thathedidnotmakethejokeatyourexpense.Heisnotamean-spiritedguy,afterall.Toaccomplishthis,DefensiveDoncaststheblameonyoufortakinghiscommentsthewrongway.Itisreallytemptingtoreactandsaysomethinglike,“Hey,Iknowhowtotakeajoke,butyoualwaystakethingstoofar!”or“Don’ttellmeIneedtolightenup!Youneedtolearnathingortwoaboutrespectandappropriatebehavioratwork!”Thesekindsofreactionswillonlyelicitmoredefensiveresponsesthatcouldspiralintoabigblowoutandaseriouslydamagedworkingrelationship.

So,howcanyourespondpowerfullyinawaythatstickstothefactsandgetsyourpointacrosswithoutantagonizingDonfurther?Howabout:

“Itmaynothavebeenyourintentiontoembarrassme,butthatwastheimpact.Ithoughtyoudeservedtoknow.”STOPTALKING(shortandsweet!).

Now,zipitup!Choosenottosayanythingfurther.Noticethatyourcommentsconveynoblameorshame.YouaretakingownershipofyourexperienceandnotcastingjudgmentonDonforhiscomments.Youavoidretaliatingagainsthisdefensivecomments,whichhelpswindthediscussiondownmorequickly.Plus,youcomeoutoftheconversationlookingbothreasonableandconfident.Nottooshabby!

Okay,butwhatifDefensiveDonflat-outdeniescallingyouaprincessinthatmeeting?Whatifhesaysthathewouldnever,eversayanythinglikethat?Wouldyounowbeconvincedthatyouarehearingthingsorthatyoumusthavehadapsychoticepisode?Idon’tthinkso.Instead,youarelikelytobeevenmoreupsetandirritatedbecausenowDonhasaddedinsulttoinjurywithhisdenial.

Unfortunately,saying,“IknowwhatIheard,youweasel!”oraccusinghimofbeingaliarwillonlygetyouintoaheated(andchildish)yes-you-did-no-I-didn’tcirculardebatethatwillnevergoanywhere.Nomatterhowannoyedyouare,takeaquickmentaldumpandsaythisinstead:

“Iamhappytotalkabouttheissueofwhereweshouldstayattheconference.WhatyoudeservetoknowisthatIwasoffendedbythecommentsyoumade

aboutmeatthemeeting.”

Stopthere.Endofstory.Youhavemadeyourpointanddonothaveanyneedtoengagefurther.Thereisnoneedtoaccuseanyoneoflying;whetherDonrememberswhathesaidornot,nowheknowsthatyouaren’tokaywiththosekindsofcomments,whichwasyouronlyrealgoalforthisconversation.

WhatNottoDo…

Weareoftentemptedwhensomeonerespondsdefensivelytojumpintothecontentoftheexcuse,explanationorjustification.However,becausedefensivereactionsoftenequatetopeoplegraspingatstraws,ifyouindulgethosecommentsbyrespondingtotheircontent,youalmostguaranteethatyourconversationwillveerwayoffcourse.Dealingwithanotherperson’sdefensivenessisnotonlyaggravatingandupsetting,itisexhausting.

Imagineif,duringmyperformancereview,mybosshadengagedinthe

contentofmyremarksaboutmysecretarybeingdisorganizedandtoochatty.Theissueofherperformancewascompletelyofftopicbecauseweweresupposedtobetalkingaboutmyperformance.Instead,whathedid(whichwasveryeffective)wasacknowledgemyperspectiveandputhimselfinmyshoes.Hesaidsomethingalongthelinesof:“Itsoundslikeitisupsettingforyoutohavesomeonedescribeyouas‘disorganized.’Doyouthinkthereisanyvalidityinwhatshesaid?”Afteralittlehuffyfit,IwasreadytogetbackontrackanddiscusswhatIcoulddotobemoreorganizedandefficientinmypractice.Mybossstayedfocusedonhisgoalforthistoughtalkanditpaidoffforallconcerned.Takeapagefrommyboss’bookandresistthetemptationtowadeintoaperson’sexcusesorjustifications.Theywillonlyservetoderailyourconversation-notwhatyouwantafterallofyourhardworkandpreparation.

Hereisanotherexamplethatmanyofuscanrelateto:Thinkabouthowmanytimesyouhaveheardamillion-and-oneexcusesforwhysomeoneislate.Youknow,thealarmdidn’tgooff,therewasanaccidentonthebridge,thedoggotsick,someonetookthecarkeys.Veryoften,thetemptationistoprovidesomesolutionsasifweweretalkingtoourchildren,like,“Whydon’tyoubuyanewalarmclock?”or“Maybeifyougotup15minutesearlier?”Uhoh-whatwehavedonehereisvalidatetheselameexcusesforbeinglate.Trustme,otherpeopledonotneedanyhelpfromyou;theirownstorieswillsurpassanythingyoucandreamup!Nowtheconversationhasdriftedwayofftrack,andyouareprobablygettingmoreandmoreagitatedbecausenowyouaretalkingaboutthebestplacestobuyacool,tricked-outalarmclockinsteadoftheactualproblem,whichwas(oh,right)theotherperson’slateness.

Insteadofhelpingtheotherpersonjustifyhisorheractions(andvalidatethedefensiveness),yousimplyneedtolisten,thenacknowledgethatheorshehashadanumberofchallengesbeingontime.Then,onceitisyourturntospeakagain,calmlyrepeatyourexpectations.Here’show:

“Iunderstandthatthingsdocomeupfromtimetotime.WhatIhavenoticedisapatternofyoubeinglate.Myexpectationisthatyouwillbeatworkontime,so

youneedtoplanaccordingly.”STOPTALKING.

There;that’sallyouneedtosay.Iftheotherpersonreiterateshisorherexcuses,youwillsimplyneedtoreiterateyourexpectations.Staycalmandavoidgettingsuckedintothedramaofdefensivenessinordertokeepyourtalkontrack.

CutThemSomeSlack

Understandingwhypeoplereactdefensivelycantakethestingoutofanyhurtfulorupsettingthingstheysayoutofdefensiveness,whichcaninturnpreventusfromreactingorrespondinginkind.Wewanttopayattentiontothem,eveniftheyarerespondingdefensively,andacknowledgetheirconcernsandpointsofview.Bydoingso,youmaintainanatmosphereofrespect,whichallowspeopletosavefaceandprovidestimeforthemessagetosinkin.Acknowledgingorfindingsometruthinwhatapersononthedefensiveissayingcanbeverydisarming.Remembertocuttheotherpersonthesameslackyouwouldcutyourself(ormaybeevenmoreifyouareexceptionallyhardonyourself).Forexample,ifwesaysomethingthathurtssomeone,wemightsay,“Iwasprovoked;Ihadnochoice!AnyonewoulddowhatIdid,”ratherthanbeatingourselvesupforouractions.Wemessupattimesandsodoourcolleagues.Forgivingothersbothfortheiractionsandfortheirdefensesgoesalongwayinensuringthatyourconversationswillhavesuccessfuloutcomes.

Let’sputournewtoolstoworkandseehowwecanlistenthroughadefensivereactioninsomeworkplacesituations.

DealingWithaBreachofTrust:GossipingGloria

Imagineyoursurprisewhenyoufindoutthatsomethingyousaidinconfidencetoyourcoworker,Gloria,hasnotonlycomebacktoyoubutnowthestoryhastakenonawholenew,uglytwist.Whileoutforlunch,youhadtoldGloriathatyouwerefrustratedwiththetimeitwastakingtogetadvicefromHumanResourcesbecauseyouhadasituationthatyouneededtodealwithurgentlyandyourhandsweretieduntiltheygotbacktoyou.Yourinsidevoiceleakedoutandyousaid,“Aren’tweessentiallytheirclients?Aren’ttheysupposedtobeservingus?Itticksmeoffthatwealwayshavetowaitforthem!”

Thenextthingyouknow,youaregettingthecoldshoulderfromyourfriendsinHRandyouarestillwaitingfortheadviceyouneed.Whenyouaskthemwhat’sgoingon,youfindoutthattheHRdepartmentisinanuproar.Theyhaveheardthatyouthinktheyaredoingaterriblejobandareobviouslyveryupset.Youfeelsickaboutwhathashappenedandyouhaveapologizedtothem.Now,youhavetotalktoGloria.Youhaveputitoffforawhileandareatthepointwhereyoucan’tevenlookGloriaintheeyeanymore.It’sdefinitelytimetotalk.

YouareclearthatrightnowyourrelationshipwithGloriaisatstake.Youreallyfeellikeyoucannolongertrusther,whichisaproblembecauseyouworkverycloselytogether.YouwanttoletGloriaknowhowyouarefeelingandcleartheair.Itfeelstoyoulikesheisgettingawaywithsomething.Allofthisworryingandobsessingabouttheconversationisconsumingyou;youhaven’thadadecentnight’ssleepforaweekandarehavingahardtimefocusingatwork.Aspartofyourpreparationforthisconversation,youanticipatehowGloriaisgoingtoreactwhenyoudeliveryourmessage.Youaresurethatshewillbedefensiveordenythatshesaidanythingtoanyone,orshemaytellyouthatwhatshesaidhadbeenmisinterpreted.Feelingprepared,youarrangetospeaktoher.

Hereisonewaytoapproachyourconversation:

“Gloria,theHRdepartmenthasnotgottenbacktomewiththaturgentadviceIneeded.WhenIcalledtoinquire,Igotaverycoolreceptionandtheyinformedmethattheywereveryupsetatmeforsayingthattheywerenotdoingagoodjob.YouaretheonlypersonItalkedtoaboutmyconcerns.IamreallyupsetthatyousharedsomethingItoldyouinconfidence.”STOPTALKING.(Resistthe

urgetokeepyapping!)

Youthenzipitupandwait;youarereadyforadefensivereaction-andreactshedoes!GloriapredictablydeniessayinganythingtoHR;thenshechangesherstorytosaythatHRhadmisinterpretedwhatshehadsaidandgivesyouherversionofevents.Youlistencloselyandstaysilent.Gloriathentriestoconvinceyouthatsheisnotthetypeofpersonwhowouldleakasecret.Areyouconvinced?Ofcoursenot!Youlistencalmlyand,onceGloriaisfinished,yousay:

“NomatterwhatyourintentwasorwhatyouactuallysaidtoHR,IwantyoutoknowthattheresultisthatmyrelationshipwithHRhasbeennegativelyaffected

andmytrustinyouisshaken.”

ThereisnothingmoretosaytoGloriaatthispoint.Youhavemadeyourpointandrubbinghernoseinitnowwouldonlyservetosendanypositiveresultsofyourtoughtalkupinsmoke.ItisunnecessaryandunproductivetopointoutthatGloriaswitchedherstoryoraccuseherofbeingashamelessgossipbecauseitwouldlikelyembarrassherandpotentiallyspurevenmoredefensivereactions.ByallowingGloriatosavefacedespiteherdefensiveness,

yourmessagegetsheardloudandclear.

DeliveringSensitiveNews:Dress-DownDebbie

Imagineyousupervisestaffmemberswhoworkwiththepublic.Thereisnoformaldresscode,butyoudofeelthatcasualjeansandrunnersistakingcomforttoofar.Mostofyouremployeesseemtounderstandthisinstinctively,butoneemployee,Dress-DownDebbie,persistsinwearingbaggy,fadedjeansandgrass-stainedtennisshoestoworkonadailybasis.Itisn’tthatshe’sdoingabadjob,butyoufeelthatherattiredoesnotportrayyourorganizationinaprofessionallighttohercustomers.

Inaprivatemeeting,youletDebbieknowthatyouthinkherattireisinappropriatefordealingwiththepublicandyouwouldlikehertodressmoreprofessionally.Debbiereactsdefensivelyandtellsyouthatbybeingcasual,shecomesacrossasmore“relatable”toherclients.Shegoesontotellyouthatpeopleshouldnotjudgeothersbyhowtheydress.Youareabitirritatedandfeellikeblurtingout,“Look,Debbie,youcan’tcometoworklookinglikeyouarejustabouttodosomegardening!”Youresisttheurge,however,andinsteadputyourselfinhershoes(eveniftheyaregrubby)andacknowledgeherperspective.Here’show:

“Debbie,itsoundslikeyoubelievethatdressingcasuallymakesyoumoreapproachableforclientsandyoudon’tthinkothersshouldtellyouhowtodress.Ihaveadifferentperspective.Ibelievethatwearingjeansandrunningshoesdoesnotsetthekindofprofessionalimagethatwewant.Itmaynotseemfair,butmyexpectationisthatyouwillnotwearjeansorrunningshoestowork

again.”STOPTALKING.

Debbiethenwhinesthatsheisonherfeetalldayanddeservestobecomfortable.Youagreethatsheshouldbecomfortablebutyouholdfirmthatrunningshoesandjeansdonotfitthebill.Youunderstandthatcomfortisimportanttoher-hey,it’simportanttoyou,too-butshewillhavetofindmoresuitableapparelthatalsogivesherthecomfortshewantsatwork.Byreiteratingyourpointinawaythatiscalmandconcise,youcommunicateconfidenceinyourmessage-andthathelpsDebbiegetthepictureasquicklyaspossible,regardlessofherpersonalopinionsonthematter.Remember,youdon’thavetotrytochangehermind-youjusthavetocommunicateyourexpectations.

Thesewerejustafewexamplesofhowtolistenthroughanotherperson’sdefensivereactionwithoutgettingcaughtupinthedramaandpotentiallycontributingtoalong,unpleasant,unproductiveconversationorstartingthenextworldwar.Youcanlistenwithoutagreeingorgivinguponwhatisimportanttoyou.Remember,youdon’twanttogetcaughtupinadefensivereactionoryouwilllikelyendupscratchingyourhead,wonderinghowyougotsoofftrackandhowyourmessagegotlostintheshuffle.Ensureyouareheardinthefirstconversationbyavoidingindulgingtheotherperson’sdefensivenessfromtheget-go.Onceyoucandothat,younolongerhavetoworryabouthowtohandleadefensivereaction;theywillsimplyfizzleoutontheirown.

AFinalCaution

AsIwaslearningmoreaboutdefensiveness,IstartedtotalktomyfamilyandfriendsaboutitandwhatIquicklylearnedwasthattellingsomeonethattheyarebeingdefensiveisuniversallythefastestwaytocauseanintenseandimmediatedefensiveflare-up.Theonlypersonyouneedtoremindnottobedefensiveisyou;youcannotchangeotherpeople(andyoudon’thavetoinordertocommunicateyourmessage),sopleasedon’ttry.

Whensomebodyelseisbeingdefensive,IknowthatIhaveachallengeonmyhands;itistimetoshuttheduckupandpayattentiontotheotherperson,nomatterwhatIthinkaboutwhatisbeingsaid.WhenIlistenwithoutjudgment,Ihelptheotherpersonsaveface,especiallyifheorshemightfeelembarrassedbytheconversation.Ialsoremindmyselfthatwhenthedefensivenessfizzlesout,Iwillhaveanopportunitytorespondpowerfully.Listeningtoaperson’sdefensiverantdoesnotmeanyouareagreeingwithit;youaresimplybeingsmartabouthowtomanagetheconversation.Whenwelistendespitetheotherperson’sreaction,theconversationwillwrapupmuchmorequicklyandgoawholelotmoresmoothly.

TopToolstoRecall:DealingWithDefenses

-Bepreparedforadefensivereactionsoyoudon’tgetcaughtoffguard.-Knowthattheotherpersonhasreasonsforrespondingdefensively.Helphimorhersavefacebyembracingsilence,payingattentionandlistening.-Nomatterhowtemptedyouare,avoidreactinginkindorgettingcaughtupintheirexcuses,justifications,blaming,whining,etc.

-Keepyourprimarygoalintheforefrontofyourmind–itwillhelpyoutoresisttheurgetoreacttothedetails.-Whentheotherperson’sdefensivenessfizzlesout,youwillhaveanopportunitytorespondpowerfully,Ipromise.

Excellent-nowthatyouhavechosentosidesteptheotherperson’sdefensivereaction,youmaybeatthestagewhereyoucanwrapthingsup.Remember,however,thatnotallofyourconversationswillgothissmoothly(oriftheydo,pleasetellmeyoursecret!).Despiteyourbestefforts,sometimespeoplehaveunexpectedlystrongreactions:yelling,sobbing,begging,threatening...thelistgoeson.Thisputsawholenewpressureonyouthatgoesbeyondtheaveragedefensiveresponse,butdon’tworry:youarejustafewpageturnsawayfromgettingthetoolsyouneedforeventhecraziestofreactions.

Chapter10:ManagingFreak-Outs

Chapterhighlights:

-Fighttheurgetofight,fleeorfoldfromtheconversationwhentheotherpersonhasanastyblowup.

-Ignoreyourinstincts(justthisonce!).

-Diffusetalkingtimebombs:becalm,bequiet,bepresent.

Ifyouthoughtdealingwithdefensivenesswastricky,well,getreadyforanevenbiggerchallengewhenpeoplehaveevenstrongerreactions:blowups,tear-fests,shamelessbegging,insult-slingingorthreats.Theotherpersonhasgonebeyondthegarden-varietyreaction-defensiveness-andisdoingwhatItactfullyliketocall“freakingout.”Whenthishappens,anticipatedornot,it’simportanttohavetheconfidencethatwecanhandletheotherperson’sreactionandkeepourcoolsothatourtoughconversationsendupwithsuccessfuloutcomes.

Justlikewithdefensiveness,wemustremembernottofueltheotherperson’sfire.Intenseconversations,thefuelisournegativereactionstotheotherperson’sfreak-outs.Youmustchooseyourresponseswisely,whichcanbechallenging-butnotimpossible-whentheotherpersonishavingastrongemotionalreaction.

BasicInstincts

Ourmostprimalofprotectiveinstinctstellustofight,fleeorfoldwhenstaringdownthebarrelofafreak-out.Whenafreak-outoccurs,it’sreallyeasytohavethoseinstinctstriggeredandreactbeforeweevenrealizewhatisgoingon.Inchallengingconversations,itisneveragoodideatogowithyourbasicinstincts.Whentheseinstinctsaretriggered,thebloodthatourbrainsdesperatelyneedtothinkthroughthesituationclearlyandobjectivelyisdivertedtoourlargerunningmuscles.Thiswasgreatforourancestors,whohadtoeitherfleefrompredatorsorfightthem,butitisnotveryhelpfulinatenseconversationwhenweneedahigherlevelofbrainfunction.

“Alifeofreactionisalifeofslavery,intellectuallyandspiritually.Onemustfightforalifeofaction,notreaction.”

-RitaMaeBrown[xxi]

Sowhatexactlyareourtriggers?Well,theymaybecommentsfromtheotherpersonthatcallintoquestionourfairness,competence,commitment,integrity,trustworthiness,character,etc.Basically,whensomeonehasastrongemotionalreactiontoourmessage,itismorethannaturalforthesetriggerstobesetoffbecausewewanttodefendourselvesnotonlyagainstthecontentofwhatisbeingsaidbutalsoagainstthecrazinessofthefreak-outwearenowbeingconfrontedwith.

Fight,FleeorFold

Let’slookattheframeworkofthethree“Fs”thatcanundermineourabilitytosuccessfullyhangintherethroughourtoughtalksandseethemthroughtoadesirableconclusion.Wehavemadeitthisfar,sowesuredon’twanttogiveupnow!

Fight

Mostofusmanagetofightourbasicinstinctsforatime.However,astheotherperson’semotionalreactionintensifieswithjarringremarks,threats,shoutingoranythingelsethattriggersus,webecomeconvincedthatwecan’ttakethepressureanymoreandendupblurtingoutsomeaccusatory,criticalorotherwiseunhelpfulresponse.Stayingcoolhereisliketryingtostaycoolinasauna.Inthe“fight”frameofmind,ourbloodstartsboilingandourcarefullythoughtoutgoalfortheconversationvanishesbeforeourveryeyes.We’velostourcoolandgofromhopingtoachieveaproductiveresulttowantingtowin,provesomeonewrong,getbackatsomeone,protectourselvesordefendourpointsofview.

Ifyouplyotherpeoplewithanycombinationoftechniquesto“winthebattle,”theiremotionswillescalate,whichwillonlyintensifytheirattacks.Allowingourselvestofallintofightmodemeansthatnothinggetssolvedwhilebothpartiesbecomemoreandmoreentrenchedintheirperspectivesorpointsofview.Bothpeoplebecomeincreasinglymoreconvincedabouthowrighttheyareandhowabsolutelywrongtheotherpersonis.Thisisnotagreatplanforanytrickyconversationbecauseitleadstoaviciousattack-counterattackcycle.

OurdrivetofightisoneofourbasicinstinctsandhasbeenreinforcedbyallofthoseHollywoodactionmovieswelovetowatch.Unfortunately,inreallifeourbasicinstincttofightisusuallycounterproductiveanddoesnotgetustheresultswearehopingfor.Hollywoodhasledusastrayherebigtime!

MyFightStory:IneffectualEd

Manyyearsago,Iwasinvolvedinabusinessinwhichoneofthebosseshiredamanagement/financialexperttoprovidebusinessadvice.Overtime,itbecameapparenttomethatthis“expert,”whomI’llcall“IneffectualEd,”wasnotonlychargingusexorbitantfees,butthereportsandinformationhewasprovidingwereriddledwithglaringmistakes.Iwasobviouslynotseeinghisvalueinthebusiness.ItriedonanumberofoccasionstoaskIneffectualEdquestionsabouthisadviceandfees,buthewouldalwaysgivemetherunaround(onethinghewasveryeffectiveatdoing).IfinallyspoketothebossaboutmyconcernsandmyrecommendationwasthatwenolongerdobusinesswithEd.ThebosswantedproofthatEdwasnotdoingagoodjob;hethoughtEdwasaniceguyandwasnotcomfortablefiringhimwithoutgivinghimanopportunitytoexplainhimself.Infact,whathereallywantedwasformetositdownwithIneffectual

Edtoitemizemyconcernsandpointoutalloftheerrorsinthereportshehadprepared.Ugh.Talkaboutadreadedconversation!

ImeticulouslypreparedthefactsandfiguresforthemeetingwithEdandtheboss.IwasgoingtobeinthehotseatandIknewit.Butnow,Ifeltsorryfortheguy,too.Iwouldn’twanttobeonthereceivingendofatalklikethis!Ianticipatedthathemightfreakout;afterall,Iwascallingintoquestionbothhiscompetenceandhisintegrity.Duringtheconversation,Icalmlypointedoutmyconcernsonebyoneaswewentthroughmynotes.Edspentagreatdealoftimejustifyinghisnumbers,hisexpertiseandthevaluehebroughttothebusiness.Whenthatdidnotwork,hefinallylosthiscoolandaccusedmeofnotknowingwhatIwasdoing.“Youdon’thaveanyfinancialexpertise,doyou,Diane?”hefumed.“Idon’tthinkyoureallygethowbusinessesrun!”

HadEdjustquestionedmyintelligence?Hadhejustquestionedmycompetenceasabusinesswoman?Youbethehad-andIgotmybackupimmediately.Nowthefightwason.Didn’theknowIhadauniversitydegreeincommerce,nottomentionIhadgraduatedwithhonors?IbarkedthatIcouldplainlyseetheerrorsinhisnumbersandthathewascommittinghighwayrobberywithhisfees.DidhethinkIwasstupid?IhadplentyofbusinessexperienceandItoldIneffectualEdallaboutit-somaybehewastheonewhodidn’tknowwhathewasdoing!Now,IwantedhimtoadmittheerrorofhiswaysandIwasmorethanhappytotaketheglovesoffandrantandraveuntilhedid.Sufficeittosaythewholethingwasveryugly:wehurledinsultsandshoutedovereachotheruntilwewerebothredintheface.

Intheend,wedidstopworkingtogether,buttheresultcouldhavebeenthesamewithoutsomuchwastedtimeandsomanyhardfeelingsifIhadnotreactedandthrownmyselfintofightmodewhenEdhadquestionedmycompetence(clearlyahookforme!).Yes,Edhad“startedit”withanattack,butIcounterattacked-andthat’swhenthingsstartedtospiraloutofcontrol.IfIhadbeenabletokeepmycool,thenIneffectualEdwouldhavebeenabletosaveface,atleastalittle.Iwouldhavebeenwaybetteroffputtingmyselfinhisshoes(empathy)torealizehowhumiliatingthewholesituationmusthavebeenforhim.Defendingmyselfandgoingontheattackcreatedaveryuncomfortablemeetingandmademelookprettymean-spirited.Itwasanunnecessarilymessyendtoourworkingrelationship.

Flee

Ifthatwhole“fight”scenariosoundslikeatotallyunfamiliarnightmaretoyou,youmightbea“fleer,”someonewhoseinstinctistorunfromtheconversationasfastaspossiblewhenthingsheatup.Manyofusareexpertsintheartoffleeing,havinganyofthefollowingtricksupoursleeves:

-Swiftsubjectchanges,asin:“Okay,nowthatyouknowaboutyourdemotion,canwejusttalkabouttheBrooksproject?”Youmaybeinclinedtochangethesubjectwhenyouareuncomfortableandhopingthatbytalkingaboutsomethingelse,youbothwillbeabletojust“moveon.”Yeah,right.Don’tyouthinktheotherpersonmighthaveathingortwotosayabouthisdemotion?Wouldn’tyou?

-Abruptendings,suchas:“I’msorry,thisconversationisover.Iamnotpreparedtodiscussitanyfurther.”Idon’tknowaboutyou,butwhensomeonetellsmeaconversationisover,IamusuallydeterminedtokeepitgoingandIwillresorttodirtytacticsifnecessary.Peopledon’ttake“no”forananswerwellwhentheydon’tfeelthattheyhavehadanopportunitytobeheard.Don’tforgetthatyouaresupposedtobeturningtheconversationoverandreallylistening!

-Physicallyexitingtheconversation,forexample:“Sorrytobesorude,butIjustrememberedIhavetogetthisfiletothecourierby2:30.I’llbebackinasec.”Then-oops!-wecleverlyget“sidetracked”andneverreturn.Theotherpersonisn’tfooledandisannoyedthatwedidnothavethecourtesyorthecouragetofinishthediscussion.(IwillneverforgetwhenoneofmyrelativescalledtoaskhowIwas.IthadbeenadifficultdayandIstartedtosharesomeofmyfrustration.Iwasstoppedmid-sentenceandtold,“Okay,dear,that’snice.Talktoyousoon.”Thentherewasaclickontheotherendoftheline.ItfeltlikeIhadhadadoorshutinmyface!)

-Emotionallyexitingtheconversation.Thisisatrickytactic:Ontheoutsideyouappearcalm,coolandcollected,buttherealityisthatyouwouldratherbewalkingoverhotcoalsthancontinuethisconversation.Soyou“checkout,”suddenlybecomingveryinterestedinshufflingpapersonyourdesk,mentallypackingforyournextvacationormaybesilentlyhummingyourfavoriteshowtunes.Don’tthinkthisgoesunnoticedbecausetrustme,itdoesn’t.

Fleeingcangiveyousomesenseofcontrolandreliefintheshortterm,butitreallycreatesmoreproblemsinthelongrun.Byfleeing,whatyouarereally

conveyingis,“Iamuncomfortablewithyourfreak-outorreaction,sothisconversationhasofficiallyended.”Whenyoutakeastandlikethis,youhaveprettymuchguaranteedthatyourconversationisnotoverandensuredthenecessityofafollow-upconversation(ortwoorten).Why?First,everyonewantstobeheardandunderstood.Itisabasichumanneed.Second,nobodywantstobetoldwhattodoorhowthingsaregoingtogodown.Peopledefiantlyrespondtoyourflightandmayevenhuntyoudownlatertoforceyoutotalktothem.

Whetheryourconversationcontinuesrightthen(despiteyourattempttoendit)orlaterdowntheroad,fleeingbecausetheotherpersonhashadastrongreactiontoyourmessagewilllikelyintensifyhisorherattackorotherwiseescalatethebehaviorthatyoufoundintolerableinthefirstplace.Justthinkofthelasttimeyousawamothertryingtosay“no”toherthree-year-oldatthecheckoutinagrocerystore;don’texpectthatyourdifficultconversationwillgoanydifferently!Unlessyousetthestageforcommunication,youcanexpecttoddler-liketempertantrums,crocodiletears,thesilenttreatment,pouting,younameit.

Eveniftheotherpersonseemstobefinewithyouruntimelyendtotheconversation,don’tbesosure;chancesarethattheperson’sindignationwillgounderground,creatingallsortsofhavoc.Remembermybosswhoscoldedmeformyineptresearchandthenabruptlydismissedmelikeapoorlypreparedschoolgirl?Heobviouslythoughtitwasover-butIcertainlydidn’t!MytroubleswithhimboiledbeneaththesurfaceandIhadplentytosayabouthimandhisbehaviortoanyonewhowouldlisten.Thebottomlineisthatwhenyoufleeatoughtalk,allyouaredoingisdelayingtheinevitable(i.e.theremainderofyourconversation).

Fold

Imaginethepersonyouarehavingtheconversationwithrespondswithshouting,insults,pleading,flattery(otherwiseknownassuckingup)ormaybeeventhreatsinanattempttoconvinceyoutoretreatorchangeyourmind.Thepressureiskillingyouandyouwouldlovenothingmorethanforthistoughtalktojustendalready.Whenyouareunderthegun,sometimestheonlywayyouseetogetsomereliefistorelent,backdownorfold.Unfortunately,whatyouareactuallydoingwhenyouchoosetofoldiseitherslinkingawaylikeabadlybehavedpet(whenreally,youhavenoreasontofeelthatway)orgivinginlike

themomatthegrocerystorewhocavesandbuysthecandybarjusttogetherkidtostopscreaming.

Thebiggestproblemwhenwefold,especiallyinthefaceofafreak-out,isthatweenduprewardingtheverybehaviorthatmadeussouncomfortableinthefirstplace.ImagineyouhadfoldedwithWeekendWandafromchapterone(theonewithyourgrannycomingforavisit),aftershehadbeggedandthenflatteredandthenthreatenedyou,eventhoughyouhadalreadytakenthetimeoffwellinadvance.Wandawouldhavelearnedthatbyputtingthescrewsintoyou,shecouldgetyoutodowhatevershewanted,whichwouldobviouslysetyouupformoreproblemsdowntheroad.

“Anappeaserisonewhofeedsacrocodile,hopingitwilleathimlast.”

-SirWinstonChurchill

Anotherproblemwithfoldingisthatitiscumulative:itjustgetseasierandeasiertofoldeachtimeyoudoitandinveryshortorder,theotherpersoncomestoexpectit.IthinkabouthowmanytimesIhavefoldedwithmykids;nowondertheyseemyboldstatementsaboutconsequencesasidlethreats!So,whyarewetemptedtofoldwhenweknowthatweareultimatelyjustshootingourselvesinthefoot?Oneofthemainreasonsisthatwefeelsomereliefbecausetheotherpersonisecstatictobeoffthehookandtheconversationcanfeellikeit’sover.Thinkaboutatimewhenyouwantedtosay“no”tosomeone.Theotherpersonbegsandpleadsforwhatfeelslikeaneternityandfinally,outofsheerexhaustion,yourelent.Sure,thatmakestheotherpersonhappy-theygottheirway!Buthowdoyoufeel?Maybeyou’regladthattheconversationisover,butnowyou’vemadeacommitmentthatyouneverwantedinthefirstplace.Anddoyougettreatedlikeaheroforsaying“yes?”Maybeforawhile,butyoucanbetthatthenexttimethatpersonneedssomeonetodosomething,youwillbethefirstpersonthatgetscalled.

Ithinkthatmostofushavebeenthereatsomepoint.Whenwebackdown,wefeelbackedintoacorner.Weresenttheotherpersonforbeingsopersistent.Wetellourselvesthatnotonlyisthiscrappynewsituationnotourfault,itisreallyalltheirfault!Themorewethinkaboutit,themoreupsetwebecome.Wetellourselvesthatwedidn’tfoldbecausewewantedto;itwasbecausetheymadeusfoldwiththeirthreatsortearsorbegging.

Whileitdoesmakeperfectsensetoblamesomeoneelseforthewaya

conversationended,especiallywhentheywerefreakingoutatyou,it’sfarmoreproductivetolookatyourselfinthemirrorandreflectupontheroleyouplayed.Thebigcostoffoldingisthatitaffectsourrelationshipsatwork,nottomentionthepersonalrelationshipsthatourdiscontentspillsintoaswellasourownsenseofself-respect.(Ifyoufindyourselfinthisposition,rememberthatthetwo-minutewhineruleisyourfriend.Complainfortwominutestosomeoneyoutrust.Getitoffyourchestandthenfigureoutawaytoworkthingsout.)

FacingaFreak-Out:NightmareNanny

Rememberthatfoldingorotherwisebackingdownisnotgoingtosolvetheoverarchingproblemthatledyoutohaveyourconversationinthefirstplace,evenifitdoesgiveyoutheillusionofreliefintheshortterm.Ifyoudobackdown,youriskshiftingthebalanceinyourworkingrelationships,whichisespeciallyproblematicifyouareinasupervisoryormanagerialrole.

Putyourselfinthisscenario:Youareabusyworkingmomwithtwokidsandanofficetorun.Yourkidsareyoungandyou’vehiredsomeonetocomeintoyourhometolookafterthemwhileyou’reatwork.Oneevening,afteraloooongdayattheoffice,youcomehometofindthenannywatchingTV.Inherdefense,theyoungestisnappingandtheoldestisataplaydate,butyourinsidevoiceisseething:“Sheiswellpaid.Whyisn’tshedoingthelaundry,ironingorcleaningupinthekitchen?”Youstarttofeelresentfulbecauseinyourmind,youareacaringemployer.Youlethertakeyourkidstovisitherfriends,runpersonalerrandsanddohershopping-allinyourcar.Friendshavetoldyouthatyouarewaytooniceandnowyouarestartingtoagree.

Inanefforttomakeyournannygetthepicture,youhavelefthintsaboutlaundry,dishesandthemessykitchen.Youhadhopedthatwouldbedirectenough,butyourhintshaveobviouslybeentoosubtlebecausesheseemsoblivioustoyourconcernsandhappilyflipsontheTVwheneverthekidsdon’trequireherattention.Finally,youmusterupthecouragetotalkabouttheissue.AftercraftingwhatyouhopewillbeagreatABCmessage,youstarttheconversationwell,tellingheryourexpectationsandsomeofthechoresthatyouwouldlikedone.

Toyoursurprise,yournannysuddenlyandunexpectedlyhasacompletemeltdown.Shestartssobbingandaccusesyouofquestioningherintegrity.Shesaysthatitisherjobtolookafteryourchildrenandshetakesthatresponsibilityveryseriously.Ifyouwanthelpwiththehouse,shesayshaughtily,youshould

hireamaid.Youarestunnedbyherreaction,butwhatcanyoudo?Youneedher;childcareisinhighdemandandyou’reafraidofwhatmighthappenifshequits.

Soyoufold.Infact,youcrumple.Whereisthetough,no-nonsensemanageryouplaysowellbyday?Youendupapologizingforyour“unreasonable”expectationthatshedohousework.Thenyoutellherhowgratefulyouaretohaveher.Youcontemplateofferingtoupgradeyourcablepackagesoshecouldenjoyherdowntimeevenmore.Inshort,thewholesceneisprettypathetic.Now,youhavesettheprecedentthatallyournannyhastodoisshedafewtearsandnotonlywillyoubackdown,butyouwillevengooutofyourwaytomakeitupher.

Aftertheconversation,youareunderstandablyupset.Youblameyournannyfortheoutcomeofyourconversation,butyouaretheonewholostsightofyourgoalandcaved.Becauseyoufolded,therehasbeenadistinctshiftinpowerinyourworkingrelationship,eventhoughyouaretheemployer.

Whatwentwrong?Howcouldyouhaverespondedmoreproductively?Theconversationcouldhavegonealittlelikethis:

“Iappreciatethatyourpriorityisthechildrenandthatyoutakeyourroleseriously.Theyareveryimportanttomeaswell.Iwouldalsoappreciateyoudoingafewchoreswhenthebabyissleeping.YourhelpwouldmakespendingtimewithmychildrenmucheasierformewhenIgethome.”STOPTALKING.

Toreallymakeyourmessagestickandbolsteryourconfidence,makesureyouhaveyourbackupplaninplace.Itwouldbeashametoloseyournanny,sure,butchancesareshedoesn’twanttoloseherwell-paid,perk-filledjobasmuchasyoudon’twanttohavetolookforareplacement.Don’tbeintimidatedintofolding,eitherbysomeoneelse’sthreatsoryourownfearsofwhatmighthappen.Comeupwithabackupplanthatworksforyousoyoucansticktoyourgunsandnotfoldunderpressure.

BattleYourBasicInstincts

Wenowknowourbasicinstinctsarenotlikelytohelpuswhentheyaretriggeredbyanotherperson’semotionalmeltdown.Ifwerespondbyfighting,fleeingorfolding,wewillinvariablymakethingsworse.Ifyougetcaughtupintheheatofthemomentandaretemptedtocommitoneofthethree“Fs,”ask

yourselfifyoureallywanttofantheflameshere-becausethat’swhatyouaredoingwhenyouchoosetoindulgeyourbasicinstincts.Instead,givetheotherpersonsomespacetohavethebig,dramaticmeltdown.Letthefirefizzleout.Itworkswithdefensivenessanditworkswithfreak-outs,too-youjustneedalittlemoreresolve.

Sure,youmaybethinking,buthow?Thereareanumberofthingsyoucando,butifyouremembernothingelse,rememberthis:dotheoppositeofwhatyourinstinctstellyoutodo.ForthoseofyouwhoareoldenoughtobeSeinfeldfans,youmayremembertheepisode“TheOpposite,”inwhichGeorgeConstanza,whoisunemployed,hasnomoneyandliveswithhisparents,decidesthateverydecisionhehasevermadehasbeenwrongandeveryinstincthehaseverhadhasbeenflawed.HeissharingthisrevelationwithElaineandJerryintheirfavoritedinerwhenJerrysuggeststhatifeveryinstinctofhisiswrong,thentheoppositeofthoseinstinctswouldhavetoberight.Georgeisintriguedanddecidestodotheoppositeofwhathisinstinctstellhimtodoandseewhathappens.Theresultswereastounding:helandsajobwiththeNewYorkYankees,meetsabeautifulwoman,movesoutofhisparents’houseand,most

importantly,gainsconfidence![xxii]

Now,Iamobviouslynotsuggestingthatallofyourdreamswillcometrueifyouignoreyourinstincts,butbelievemewhenIsayithasbeenmyexperiencethatwhenIaminatoughtalkthatisgettingheated,doingtheoppositeofwhatmyinstinctstellmehasalwaysbeentherightthingtodo.Maybeitwon’tgetmeajobwiththeYankees,butitreallydoeshelpmeaccomplishmygoalsformydifficultconversations.

HowCanYouDiffuseTalkingTimeBombs?

“Talkingtimebombs”isthetermIliketouseforconversationsthatturnuglywhentheotherpersonfreaksout.Diffusingthesetimebombsisn’timpossibleaslongasyouareprepared.HerearesometoolsIusetohelpthefreak-outfizzleout:

1.BeCalm

Isithardtostaycalmwhensomeoneisbawlinglikeachildorscreaminginyourface?Doyouwanttoputpeopleintheirplacewhenyouknowtheyaretellingbald-facedlies?Doyoufeelthepressurewhensomeoneisthreatening

yourlivelihoodorinsultingyourintelligence?Ofcourse!Stayingcalmcanbehard,buthopefullyitwillbealittleeasierwhenyourealizethepowerithasinyourtoughtalks.Yourcalmnesscanbetheantidoteforanotherperson’sanger,frustrationorsadness-nomatterhowmelodramatictheirfreak-out.Staycalmandyourconversationwillbeabletomoveonmuchmorequickly.

2.BeQuiet

It’stoughforpeopletocontinuefreakingoutifyoudon’tkeepaddingfueltothefire.Ifyouaren’ttalking,youaren’tusingany“hot”languageorreactingdefensivelytowhatisbeingsaid,sodoyourselfafavorandjustshuttheduckup.Whenourtalksheatup,weareoftentemptedtosaythingsalongthelinesof:

-Calmdown!

-Ithinkyouareoverreacting.

-Don’tyouthinkyouareoverreacting?(Evenworse!)

-Cheerup.Thingsaren’tthatbad.

-Whoa,settledownthere.

-I’msorrythatyouareangry.

-I’msorryyou’resoupset.

Canyouimaginehowyouwouldreactifsomeonesaidsomethinglikethistoyouwhenyouwerehavingyourownfreak-out?Wouldyoucalmdown?Idoubtit;Isurewouldn’t!Nottalkingisoneofthemostefficientwaystodiffuseatalkingtimebomb.Whenyoufeellikerespondinginanyway,shapeorformtoafreak-out,don’t.Instead,embracesilenceandwatchtheflamesdiedownbeforeyoureyes.

3.BePresent

Itiscriticalthatyouremainpresentwhenpeoplearefreakingoutatyou.Don’tfiddlewithyourelectronics,turnawayorsighimpatiently.Ifyouarenotpayingattention,youwillcomeacrossasdisrespectful,whichwillonlyprolongthemeltdown.Yes,eveniftheyarebeingobnoxiousorinsanelyunfair,youmuststaypresentanddoyourbesttolistenwithoutinterrupting.Itisaboutkeepingyourtalkrespectful,evenifyoufeelintheheatofthemomentthattheydon’t

deserveyourrespect.Youareleadingbyexample.Otherpeopledon’texpectyoutoberespectfulwhentheyarefreakingoutso,whenyoudogivethemyourcarefulattention,theyarepleasantlysurprisedandunexpectedlydisarmed,whichcalmsthemdownmuchmorequickly.

“Themostpreciousgiftwecanofferanyoneisourattention...”

-ThichNhatHanh[xxiii]

RemembermystoryaboutaskingmyhubbyformoresupportsothatIcouldbetterbalancemanagingthehouseholdanddevelopingmycareer?Ifyourecall,Ihadanticipatedthathewouldbeupsetandthathisreactionmighttriggermybasicinstincts.Thosewhoknowusbestunderstandwhat“hooks”us…andwhenthingsheatupwedon’talwaysmanagetoresistthetemptation.HubbyreactedasIhadanticipated,butratherthanwadingin,arguingwithhimandblurtingoutcommentsIwouldlaterregret,Istayedpresentandchosetoembracesilence.Theresultswereincredible;thetalkingtimebombwasdiffusedandtheconversationmovedtoproductiveterritoryinrecordtime(about30seconds).Wewerethenabletohaveaproblem-solvingconversationinwhich,insteadoffeelingpittedoneagainsttheother,wewerebothonthesameteam.

Thebottomlineisthatthelessyoudoorsayinreactiontoafreak-out,thefastertheotherperson’sreactionwillfizzleoutandthesooneryouwillhavetheopportunitytoresumehavingasuccessfulconversation.Youmayfindthetoolsaboveeasytounderstandbutdifficulttoputintopractice,butIreallyencourageyoutotry.Themoretimesyoucanputyournewskillstowork,thesoonertheywillfeellikesecondnature.

SeeTheseSkillsinAction:SkiShortage

HereisasituationinwhichIwasabletostiflemyprimarybasicinstinct,whichistofightlikecrazy.Itwasnotaparticularlyhigh-stakesconversation,butitwasonewhereIwasabletoavoidfuelingthefireofadefensivereactionandreachaproductiveoutcomeasaresult.

Iwaswithmyfamilyatafabulousskiresort.Onebeautiful,sunnySaturday,wedecidedthatwewantedtoskateskifortheday.Whenwearrivedatthecross-countryskipark,wewereadvisedthatitwasverybusyandwemaynotbeabletogetskirentals.HubbyandIhadourowngearbutourkidsdidnot.

Itwasaround12:30pmsowedecidedtoforgeahead,assumingthatpeoplewouldbebringingequipmentbackfromtheirmorningoutings.Thelodgewasbusyasexpected,butanicegentlemanmeasuredupourkidsandsaidhehadequipmentforus.Itwasourluckyday...orsoIthought!

Momentslater,thefellowbehindthedeskyelledoutacrosstheroom,“No,youcannotgivetheskistothosepeople[asifwedidn’texist]!Thereareothersaheadofthem!”Wewerealittletakenaback,aswasthegentlemanwhowashelpingus.Iwenttospeaktothefellowbehindthedesktotrytoclarify.Heinformedmethatitwasthebusiestdayeverandhewasn’tsureifwewouldgetanyequipmentatall.ItoldhimIwasn’ttryingtojumpthequeue,butIwantedtounderstandthesystemtoensurewehadournamesdownwhenequipmentcameinfromthemorningskiers.Hesnippilyinformedmetherewasnosystemandbarkedoutthathehadnointentionofcreatingoneonthebusiestdayoftheyear.

Iwasstartingtogetalittleirritated.IneededtocalmmyselfsoIwouldn’tlosemycool.IswearIcouldalmosthearmytriggersgettingpulled!Sure,hewasprobablyoutoflineandmaybeIcouldhavejustifiedcallinghimrudeordisorganized.Icouldalsogointo“demandinglawyermode”(whichIdoverywell)andbehookedintoabattleofwillswithhim.ButIthoughttomyself,Okay,whatdoIreallywanthereandhowamImostlikelytogetit?Iwantedtogetequipmentandgetoutonthisbeautifulday.Ididnotwanttoruintherestofmyafternoonbyengaginginbattlewiththisguy.Keepyoureyeontheprize,Diane,Itoldmyself.IwasnotlikelytogetwhatIwantedbylosingmycool.Infact,afreak-outwouldhavealmostcertainlybackfiredbasedonhisattitudethusfar.Iencouragedmyselftoremainrespectfulandpoliteandtotrytofindawaytobeonhisside.

Itookadeepbreath,thenhereiswhatIsaid:

“IseeyouhavealotgoingonandIdon’twanttoaddtoyourstress.IamwonderingwhatIcandotosecureaspotinthequeuewithouthovering.”

Hecontinuedtobedifficultforafewmoments,repeatingthathewasn’tgoingtodevelopasystemjustformetoday.IremainedcalmandIdidnotmovefromthedesk-nofighting,fleeingorfolding.Finally,heaskedmetofilloutaformandtoldmetogoandhaveacoffeeandtheywouldcallmewhensomeskiscamein.Iobligedandtomypleasantsurprise,hecalled20minuteslatertoletusknowtheyhadskisavailableforthekids.Hubbywasveryproudofmefor

remainingsocalm;heevensaid,“Wow,thatwasawesome.Iwouldhavelostitwiththatguy!”

Yes,alotofpeoplewouldhavelostitwithaguylikethatorwhomeverthey’redealingwithinatoughconversation-andit’seasyenoughtounderstandwhy.However,youhavetokeepinmindthatyouneedareal,productivegoalforyourconversationsand“stickingittoher”or“puttinghiminhisplace”justdon’tcutit.Sure,Icouldhaveindulgedmybasicinstincttofightwiththeskirentalguy,butwhatwouldithavegottenme?Probablynothingmorethanagitation,highbloodpressureandalongdayofwhining.Itcertainlywouldn’thavegottenusanyskis!Instead,IchosetostaycalmandpresentsothatIcouldhaveasuccessfultalkandafun-filledafternoonofskiingwithmyfamily.

Whenyoucanfeelyourtriggersgettingwiggled,rememberthatyouhavemuchmorepowerthanyouthink.Youjustneedtobeawareandpreparedsothatyoucanavoidlettingyourbasicinstinctskickin.Youcanfightyourbattleorfleeorfoldfromit-oryoucandecidetostaycalmandaimforaproductiveconversation.Yougettochoose,sochoosewisely.

TopToolstoRecall:FizzlingOutFreak-Outs

-Beingpreparedforameltdowncantakethestingoutofitwhenithappensbecauseyoucanbemoredetached.-Beawareofhowyoufeelduringyourdifficultconversationssoyoudon’tfallvictimtoyourbasicinstinctswhenyouarefeelingtriggered.-Rememberyourthree“Fs:”youcan’tachieveyourgoalsifyoufight,fleeorfold.-Letthefreak-outfizzleoutbytakingcontrolanddoingtheoppositeofwhatyourinstinctstellyoutodo.Becalm,quietandpresent.

Sure,youmaybethinking,Icanseehowthisallworksonpaper,butwhataboutwhenyou’reonthefrontlines?Howareyousupposedtofightyourbasicinstinctsandstaycalmandattentivewhentheotherpersonisstandingrightinfrontofyouthrowingthebiggestfreak-outofalltime?

Ifyou’reconcernedthatyourchallengingconversationswillrequiresuperhero-caliberlevelsofwillpower,neverfear:inthenextchapter,wearegoingtotalkaboutsomehandytoolsI’velearned(alotoftimesthehardway)to

helpyoustaycalmandcollectedunderpressure.Thesetoolsareimportantbecausetheycangiveyoutheconfidencethatyoutrulycanhandleanythingthatgetsthrownyourway.Otherpeople’sfreak-outswillbenomatchforyourlegendaryabilitytostaycool,Ipromise!

Chapter11:ToolstoStayCool

Chapterhighlights:

-Understandthattheirreactionsareneverpersonal(despitewhattheysay!).

-Practicethebest“staycool”strategiesforyou:breathedeeply,observeratherthanparticipate,adoptacalmingmantraand/orplaythe“name

thathook”game.[xxiv]

Inthelastchapteryoulearnedthatitisbestnottoactonyourbasicinstinctswhentheotherpersonhasafreak-outduringyourtalk,butyoumightbewonderinghowyoucanpossiblybecalm,quietandpresentwhenfacedwithsuchextremebehavior.Althoughyourwillpowerandself-disciplinewillcertainlyhelp,theyarenotentirelyenough;knowingsometoolstostaycoolisessentialforkeepingthingsontrack.Allofthestrategieswearegoingtocovercanbeusedsinglyorinacombinationthatworksbestforyou.Theywillhelp

youtocounteryourbasicinstincts,stopyoufromfighting,fleeingorfoldingandkeepyoufocusedonthebiggerpicture:yourgoalfortheconversation.

TheirReactionsAreNeverPersonal

Ioftenhavetoremindmyselfthatcrazyreactionsarenotaboutme–theyarealwaysand100%abouttheotherperson.Whenitfeelslikepeoplearebeingdisrespectful,attackingyouormakingaccusatorycomments,remindyourselfthatitisnotpersonal.Itcanbetoughtobelieve,butIpromiseit’strue.Aperceivedpersonalattackisreallyabouttheotherpersondesperatelytryingtodeflectthe“blame”overtoyou.Nowisthetimeforyoutogivehimorhersomespaceandtimetodigestthenewsyou’vejustdelivered.Bethebiggerpersonhere.Whiletheotherpersonistakingthatmuch-neededtime,youcanthinkaboutwhattoolsyouwouldliketousetokeepyourtalkontrack.Itmayfeelunnaturalandevenpainfulatfirst,butitwillpayoffandsaveyoutimeandprobablysomesleeplessnightsinthelongrun.

“Maybeyouarethe‘cool’generation.Ifcoolnessmeansacapacitytostaycalmanduseyourheadintheserviceofendspassionatelybelievedin,thenithasmy

admiration.”

-KingmanBrewster,Jr.[xxv]

Tool#1:TakeSomeDeepBreaths

Inthepast,youmighthavedismisseddeepbreathingassomethingonlyusedbythosecrunchy-granolayogatypes...butthereactuallyissomesciencetosupportthatdeepbreathingisverycalmingandhelpskeepyougroundedandinthepresent.Asanaddedbonus,youroxygen-deprivedbrainlovestheextrashotofO2,whichmeansyouwillbeabletothinkmoreclearly.IoftenhavetoremindmyselftobreathebeforeIopenmymouth.(ImaginehowthedynamicsofaRossfamilydinnerwouldchangeifwealltookdeepbreathsbeforewestartedtalking!)

Tool#2:WatchtheDrama-Don’tParticipate

Almostallofuslovedrama.Ifwearen’thookedonasoapopera,thenwelove

drama-filledstufflikeGrey’sAnatomyorBreakingBadorHowIMetYourMotheroranyoneofthezillionsofrealityTVshows.Youcanexpectdramainyourdifficultconversations,too,althoughthestakeswillbeconsiderablyhigher.Whenwewatchourfavoriteshows,theTVusuallyhasourraptattention,yetweareonlyobservingthedramaandnotparticipating.TakeacuefromyourTVhabitsforyourtoughconversations:payattention,butdon’tparticipate.

Thinkofatimewhenyou’vebeenoutinpublic,sayatarestaurantorcoffeeshop,whenyoucouldhearthecoupleatthenexttablearguing.Youwouldn’tdreamofgettinginvolved,butcan’trestrainyourselffromeavesdropping.Inthesesituations,it’seasytobeobjectivebecauseyouareacasualobserverandnotemotionallyinvolved.Thatisthekindofobjectivitywewanttostriveforwhenthingsheatupinourowndifficultconversations.Itistricky,butentirelypossible.Thekeyistorememberthattheotherperson’sreactions-eventhegiantfreak-outs-arenomoreaboutyouthanthatcouple’sargumenttakingplaceatthenexttableorthemostrecentepisodeofTheYoungandtheRestless.Onceyouintrinsicallyunderstandthatotherpeople’sreactionsareneveraboutyouandalwaysandonlyaboutthem,itwillbeeasiertopracticenotgettinginvolvedinthedramaandinsteadsimplywatchitunfoldthenfizzleoutfromasafedistance.

Tool#3:Play“NameThatHook”

Asanobserver,it’seasiertobeonthelookoutfortheinevitable“hook,”whichiswhatotherpeoplethrowoutforyoutoreacttowhentheyaren’tgettingwhattheywant.Bewaryandbewise;theyprobablyalreadyknowhowtohookyouandwillevenchangethebaitafewtimesifnecessary.Yourtaskistobeonthelookoutforthehookandacknowledgeitinyourownmind.Youcouldsaytoyourself,“That’sinterestingthatheistryingtoappealtomysenseofprofessionalism”or“That’sinterestingthatsheistryingtoflatterme.”Ifindplayingthe“namethathook”gamepreventsmefromgoingforthebait,reactingandgettingsuckedintothedrama.Insteadofreactingtowhathasbeensaid,Icansimplynoticeitandswimonby.

Herearesomeprettycommonhookstobeonthelookoutfor:

-Flattery:Imagineyourbossbegsyou,“Nobodyelsedoesitlikeyou!Ijustcan’tmanagewithoutyou!Ifyouquit,thenit’spossiblethecompanymayfold!Please,prettyplease,can’tyoujustagreetostayontheprojectjustalittlebitlongeratleastuntilyoucantrainsomebodyelse?”Doesn’t

hegiveyouthesamespieleverytimeyoutrytoquit?Don’tfallforthisone!

Instead,youidentifythehook-appealingtoyoursenseofresponsibility-andrespondpowerfullybysaying,“Iamgladtoknowthatyouvaluemycontributions,butIamnotgoingtobeworkinghereanymorebecauseIammovingon.”

-Threatsorintimidation:Theymaybesubtle,butyouknowtheyarethere.Yourbullyofaclientsays,“Ifyoucan’tdothisrushorder,thenIwillhavetogotoyourboss.YouknowIamoneofthecompany’sbiggestclientsandIthinkyoumightwanttokeepmehappy.”Ofcourse,becauseyoupreparedfortheconversationandanticipatedyourclient’sreaction,youhavealreadyspokentoyourbossabouthavingyourback.

Youcorrectlyidentifythehook:yourclientistryingtoscareyouintodoingwhathewantswithathreat.Now,youcanconfidentlyreply,“I’msorry,buttheansweris‘no.’Ifyouwouldliketospeaktomyboss,hereishercontactinformation.”

-I’mnottheproblem,youare!(orsomevariation):Imagineyouhaveaconversationwithyourloudcoworkertolethimknowthatwhenhespeaksloudlyonthephone,itdisturbsyoutothepointofnotbeingabletoconcentrate.Hemayrespondbysaying,“Iamnotsurewhatyourproblemis;nobodyelseseemstohaveanyconcentrationissues.AmItoblameifyouhaveearslikeadog?”

Younamethehookandsaytoyourself,That’sinterestingthatheistryingtoblamemeforthis.Thenyousaycalmly,“ImayindeedhavesensitivehearingandIthinkyoudeservetoknowwhenyoutalkonthephoneitisverydisturbingtome.Iwouldappreciateitifyoucouldkeepyourvoicedown.”

-Accusingyouofbadintentions:Imagineyoursalesrepsaystoyou,“WhyareyouquestioningmyjudgmentonthetermsInegotiatedwiththesupplier?IsitbecauseyoulostthebigRoscoedealandyouwanttodeflectattentionawayfromyourself?”

Hereagain,yourecognizethehook-accusingyouoflookingforascapegoat-andcalmlyrespond,“ItsoundslikeyouaredisappointedthatwelosttheRoscoeproject.Iam,too.Itisacomplicatedandunfortunatesituation,butIamnotsurehowitisconnectedtowhatwearetalking

abouthere.PleaseknowthatinthefutureIexpecttobeconsultedabouttheproposedtermsonadealbeforeyouagreetothem.”

-Questioningyourcharacter:Let’ssayyoutalktoyourcoworkerabouthisunfortunatehabitofeatinghissmellytunasandwichesathisdeskinthesmallcubicleyoubothshare.Hesays,“Well,youeatatyourdesksometimestoo,butIneversayanything!Iamjustnotthatpetty.Youreallyshouldchillout-IhavearighttoeatwhereIwant.”

Youseethehook-accusingyouofpettiness-andrespond,“Youmakeavalidpoint.Iwillmakeaneffortnottoeatatmydesk.Theproblemformeisthesmellofthetuna.IwouldappreciateitifyouatestrongsmellingfoodinthelunchroomandIwilldothesame.”

Tool#4:AdoptaCalmingMantra

Amantraisanage-oldtoolforfocusingthemindthathasrecentlyrecapturedthespotlightthankstothingslikeyogaandmeditationbecomingtrendy.Amantraissimplyacalmingphrasethatyourepeatoverandovertoyourself.IhaveexperimentedwithadoptingamantraandIfinditveryhelpful.Theideaistocomeupwithsomethingyoucanchantsilentlytoyourselfwhenyoufeelyourselfbeingtriggeredanddon’twanttofallpreytoyourbasicinstincts.Yourmantrashouldfocusonthepositiveratherthanthenegativebecauseitismucheasiertofollowthroughon“doing”somethingthan“notdoing”something.Forexample,ifItoldyounottothinkaboutelephants-boom!-Iknowforsureyouimmediatelyhaveelephantsonthebrain.Yougetthepicture:wearemorelikelytodothe“don’t”ifthatiswhatwefocuson,solet’sfocusona“do”instead.Herearesomeideasforyourpositivemantra:

-Staycool.

-Staycalm.

-Stayfocused.

-That’sinteresting!

-Iamuptotheplate.

-Wow!

-Iamincontrol.

-Embracesilence.

-Payattention.

-Swimbythehook.

Awordofcaution:Ifyouarealone,youcanfeelfreetochantyourmantraaloud,butbecarefulaboututteringitinfrontofothersduringyourtoughtalks.Youmaybeabletogetawaywithsayingyourmantraaloudonceortwice,butifyoukeeprepeating“that’sinteresting!”or“wow!”overandoverinresponsetoeverythingtheotherpersonsays,youwillquicklydiscoverthatyourmantracanprovokeevenmorefreak-outsbecauseyouarecomingacrossasglazedoverandinattentive(likewhenyouaskyourkidswhilethey’rewatchingTViftheirhomeworkisfinishedandyougetaveryunconvincing“mmhmm”inreply).Fortunately,mantrasdoworkevensilently,sofeelfreetorinseandrepeatasmuchasneededinyourhead.

My“StayingCool”Story:Mr.ToughGuy

Hereismystoryofstayingcoolfrombackinmylegaldays,whenanotherlawyerdecidedtotakea“toughguy”approachtonegotiatingwithme.IhadreceivedasettlementofferfromMr.ToughGuythatseemedcompletelyouttolunch.ItoldmybosswhatIthoughtabouttheofferandheagreedwithmyassessment.Wedecidedthatwewouldnotmakeanykindofcounterofferbecauseitwasearlyoninthecaseandwestillhadmoreinformationtogather.

IinformedMr.ToughGuybymailthatwedidnotaccepthisoffer.Heimmediatelyfollowedupwithaphonecall,obviouslyagitatedandpushingmetoputsomekindofcounterofferonthetable.Istayedfirmanddeclinedhisdemands.Notsurprisingly,hebecameevenmoreupsetandhisreactionescalateduntilIcouldpracticallysmellthesmokecomingoutofhisearsthroughthetelephonereceiver.HewasshoutingsoloudlyandforsolongthatIactuallyputthephonedownandupdatedmyworkoutschedulewhileherantedandraved-andIcouldstillheareveryword.Luckily,Ihadtheconfidencetostaycool(talkingtomybossbeforethecallhelped)and,oncehistiradewasover,Icalmlyrepeatedthatwewouldnotbemakinganycounterofferatthistime.HehuffedandpuffedandhislastwordstomebeforeheslammeddownthephonewerethatIwould“besorry”-anemptythreat.

“Peoplewhoflyintoaragealwaysmakeabadlanding.”

-WillRogers

Thebottomlinewasthathiscombativetacticsonlyservedtounderminewhathewashopingtoachieve:atimelyandlucrativesettlement.Whenhestartedtoraisehisvoiceandcarryon,Iplayed“namethathook”andsaidtomyself,“Oh,interesting.Heistryingtointimidatemewithshoutingandthreatsbecauseheisfeelingdesperate.Iaminthedriver’sseathereandIchoosenottoreacttohistactics.”Ashewenton(andonandon),Ialsorepeatedacalmingmantratomyself:“Swimbythathook,Diane!Don’tbite!”

Mymantraandmy“namethathook”gamekeptmeontracksothatIdidn’tindulgeanyurgestoretaliateorgiveintohisdemands.DidMr.ToughGuygetwhathewanted?Nope!Infact,hisanticsgavememoreresolvetoholdmyground.Iwascalm,quietandpresentandwasabletoreiterateourdecisionnottocounterofferwithoutfighting,fleeingorfolding.

WhattoDoifYouCan’tHandletheHeat

Ifyouarereallyuncomfortablewithsomethingtheotherpersonhassaid,therearesomethingsyoucando-butfirst,rememberthatusing“hot”languageorgettingdefensivewon’twork.Avoidsayingthingslike:

-Don’ttalktomelikethat.

-Howdareyouspeaktomelikethat?!

-Youhavenorighttosaythattome!

Statementslikethesewillonlyservetogettheotherpersonmoreworkedup,evenifyoufeeljustifiedinsayingthem.(Ifyoudon’tbelieveme,justtryoneofthemoutthenexttimeyouareinaheatedconversationwithyourspouse,snippycolleagueormother...butdon’tsayIdidn’twarnyou!).Instead,tryemployingoneofthefollowingtactics:

1.Exittheconversationintheheatofthemoment.

Inthepreviouschapter,Iemphasizedhowimportantitistonotfleefromyourdifficultconversations.Here,exitingtheconversationandfleeingarenotthesamethingaslongasyouaretransparentandactuallytelltheotherpersonwhatyouaredoing.Herearesomeexamplesofwhatyoumightsay:

-IamfeelingreallyreactiverightnowandIthinkthatifwecarryon,ImightsayordosomethingIwillregret.Iamgoingtotakeafewminutesheretocooldown.

-IamtryingreallyhardtostaywithyouherebutIamstartingtofeeldefensive.Iamgoingtotakeabreak.

-Itseemslikewearegettingintodangerousterritory.Ibelieveweneedtotakeabreak.

Inthecircumstancesabove,youhavebeenworkingatyourconversationandnowarelettingtheotherpersonknowyouareyouarenotcopingwellinthemoment.Yourmessageishonestandtransparent-thesignsofagreatABCmessage-withnotraceofavoidanceorflight.

2.Gobackandaddresshowyouwerespokentoatalatertime.

WhenIsay“later,”Ireallymeanit.Waituntilyouarecalm,coolandcollected(andhopefullywhentheotherpersonistoo).Then,whenyouareready,addressanyinappropriatecommentscalmlyandwithoutjudgment.Herearesomeexamples:

-Lastweek,whenyoucalledmea“ravinglunatic,”Ifelthumiliated.

-Inourconversationtheotherday,whenyoutoldmethatIneededtogetmyacttogether,Iwasreallyembarrassed.

-IwasupsetyesterdaywhenyoutoldmethatImustnotcareaboutthequalityofmywork.Ithoughtyoudeservedtoknowtheimpactofyourwordsonme.

Keepinmindthatnowyouaredealingwithanewissue,nottheoldonethatledyoutohavetheoriginaldiscussion.Treatthisconversationasseparatefromtheoriginalconversation;craftanewABCmessage,deliveritatanappropriatetime,thenbepreparedtoactivelylisten.

Iftheotherpersonreactsinawaythatmakesyoureallyuncomfortable,remembertoshuttheduckupbecausewhateveryousaywhenyourbasicinstinctsaretriggeredisonlygoingtomakethingsworse.Whenyoulosecontrolofyourself,youloseinfluenceandpower.Youdon’twantthisconversationtogetsidetrackedandbecomeaboutsomethingstupidthatyousaid.Whenwereactinsteadofremaincalm,itunderminesourcredibilityanddetractsfromthe

importanceofourmessage.

“Nobodycanmakeyoufeelinferiorwithoutyourconsent.”

-EleanorRoosevelt

Feelfreetoexittoughconversationswhenyouneedtoanddon’tworryaboutyourdignityortheintegrityofyourmessage.Bybeingtransparentaboutyourdiscomfortandrefusingtoretaliateoutofdefensivenessoranger,youconveyconfidenceandaddpowertoyourmessage.Youwanttobeabletowalkawayfromtheconversationwithyourheadheldhigh,secureintheknowledgethatyoudidnotsinktodirtytacticsorletyourselfgetprovoked,thatinsteadyoukeptcoolandfocused.Ofcourse,theotherreasontoexerciseallofthisself-restraint(includingwalkingawaywhennecessary)isbecauseyouwantresults-andusingthesetoolswillmakeitthatmucheasiertogetwhatyouwant.

GiveYourselfaBreak:WeallMessUp!

Despiteallthegoodintentionsandtoolsintheworld,weallmessupfromtimetotime.TherearemanytimesIcatchmyselfrantingandravingandviolatingeveryprincipleIpromote.It’snotpretty.ThenIrecoverandremembertogetovermyselfbecauseanotheropportunitytodobetterisalwaysjustaroundthecorner(andoftencomessoonerthanIexpect!).

Thekeyishowyouhandleyourmistakes,notwhetheryoumakethem.Ifyousaysomethingunkindorindulgeyourbasicinstinctstofight,fleeorfold,thenstopandapologizeforwhatyousaidordidwithoutinsertinga“but”afteryourapology(asin,“IamsorryIcalledyou‘delusional,’butyouwerekindofactinglikeacrazyperson”).ThisiswhatIwouldcallanon-apologybecauseitjustnegatesthe“I’msorry”partofyoursentence.Commentslikethisdomoredamagethansayingnothingatall.(Wewilltalkmoreaboutapologiesinchapter14.)

TopToolstoRecall:StayingCool

-Remindyourselfthattheirreactionsarenotpersonal.-Observeratherthanparticipateinthedrama.Tryplaying“namethathook!”

-Adoptacalming,positivemantraforwhenthingsheatup.-Exittheconversationifyoucan’ttaketheheat.

Yay!Younowknowhowtobeabettercommunicatorthanthevastmajorityofpeopleouttherebecauseyouhavethetoolsnotjusttogetyourmessageacross,buttostaycooleveniftheotherpersonfreaksoutbigtime.Otherscantryasmuchastheywanttohookyouintoreacting,butnowyouknowbetterandwillhopefullybeabletomanageeventhetoughestoftoughconversations.Nowgetreadytokickyourlisteningskillsupanotch;whenyoudo,you’llfinditthatmuchmoreeffortlesstoguideyourconversationtowardsasuccessfulconclusion.

Chapter12:TellMeMore

Chapterhighlights:

-Whenpossible,takeyourlisteningskillsupanotch.

-Askquestionsofthe“tellmemore”variety.

-Acknowledgetheotherperson’sperspectiveandconcerns.

Warning:Thischapterisnotforthefaintofheart!Why?Well,atthispointifyoustillwanttocutsomeonedowntosizewithasarcasticorsnidecomment,thenyouarenotreadytotakeyourlisteningskillsuptothenextlevel.That’swhatthischapterisallabout–kickingupyourlisteningskillsanotchortwo.Ifyoucandoit,thebenefitspromisetobephenomenal.Ifyouarenotthereyet,that’sokay–itwillcomewithpractice.Asyougainconfidenceinhavingthesedifficultconversations,allofthiswillgeteasierandmayeventuallyevenfeel-dareIsayit-nearlyeffortless.

“Tolistenwellisaspowerfulameansofcommunicationandinfluenceastotalkwell.”

-JohnMarshall[xxvi]

Listening2.0:PowerToolstoTakeYourListeningSkillsUpaNotch

Iamabouttosharewithyousomeadditionaltoolsyoucanusetoreallypropelyourtoughconversationsintherightdirection.Ifthesefeeltoodifficultrightnow,feelfreenottousethemjustyet.Theyaren’tstrictlynecessaryforasuccessfulconversation,butkeeptheideasaroundforwhenyoudohavetheconfidencetogivethemashot,becausetheyreallycanhelp.

Tool#1:Ask“tellmemore”questions.

Picturethis:theotherpersonishavingafreak-outandyouarecalm,coolandconfident.Youmayevenbecuriousaboutwhatisgoingonfortheotherperson.Atthispoint,youmaywanttostepbackintotheconversationandasksomemorequestionstoreallygettothebottomofthings.Thencomesthereallytoughpart:listentotheanswerstoteaseoutwhatisreallygoingonfromtheotherperson’sperspective.Let’slookatsomeexamplesnow.

Iftheotherpersonsaysyouareunfair,youmightsay:

-Iamwonderingwhyyouwouldsaythat.

-TellmemoreabouthowyouthinkIambeingunfair.

Iftheotherpersonsaysthatsomethingisallyourfaultbecauseyouaredisorganized,youcouldsay:

-WouldyouexplainwhyyoufeelIamdisorganized?

-Iamwonderingwhyyouthinkthisismyfault.

Iftheotherpersonaccusesyouofnottrustinghimorher,youcouldask:

-IamnotsurehowtrustisrelatedtomyaskingaboutXYZ.Wouldyouexplain?

-Whatdoestrustmeantoyou?

Iftheotherpersonsayssomethinglike,“Youaretheonewhoisdisrespectful!”youmightrespond:

-Iamwonderingwhyyouwouldsaythat.

-PleasetellmemoreaboutwhatitisIamdoingthathasledyoutofeelthatway.

Iftheotherpersonaccusesyouofbeingdeceitfulormisleading,youcouldask:

-WhatleadsyoutosaythatIhavedeceived/misledyou?

-WouldyousaymoreaboutwhyyoufeelthatIhavedeceived/misledyou?

Iftheotherpersonsaysthatyouareunreasonable(orthatyourdecisionis),youmightwanttosay:

-Tellmemoreaboutyourthinking.

-Iamwonderingwhataboutthisdecisionseemsunreasonable.Couldyoutellmemore?

-WhathaveIdonethatyoubelieveisunreasonable?

Ifyouarehavingtroublecomingupwithjusttherightwords,trythislittlephrase(itworkslikeacharm!):

“Iamwonderingwhyyouwouldsaythat.”

It’sasimpleyetdisarmingstatement.Thekeyistosayit(oranyoftheotherstatements/questions)calmly,withconfidenceandnoattitude.Askinggoodquestionscanhelpyougettotheheartofwhatisgoingonandpavesthewaytogofromfeelingtriggeredtofeelingconfident.Askyourquestionandthenimmediatelystoptalkingandembracesilence.Focusandlistentotheotherperson’sresponses.You’vedonethisbefore,soitshouldn’tfeeltoounfamiliar,eventhoughit’scomingatalaterstageintheconversation.

Anoteofcaution:rememberthatwheneveryouspeakatthisstage,youaretakingabigrisk.Chooseyourmomentscarefully.Canyouseehowthestatementsandquestionsabovecouldbetakenthewrongwayifyouspeakwiththewrongtone?Ifthereisahintofinsincerityorsarcasminyourvoice,itwillbepickedupbytheotherpersoninstantlyandyourconversationwillgosidewaysinaheartbeat,soonlydothisifyouarefeelingconfidentthatyoucanspeakinaneutraltone.Takeadeepbreathandthinkfriendlybeforeyouaskquestionsabouttheotherperson’srude,snarkyorjudgmentalremarks.

Tool#2:Acknowledgetheotherperson’sperspectiveandconcerns.

Here’sanothertoolthatshouldsoundfamiliar:checkoutyourunderstandingof

whattheotherpersonhassaid,evenifthecommentisrude,snarky,judgmentalorjustplainmean.Clarifytheotherperson’stakeonthingssoyoudon’tgettooofftrack.Herearesomeexamples:

Afteryouhaveaskedyour“tellmemore”questionaboutbeingunfairandthenlistenedcloselytotheotherperson’srationale,youmightsay:

-Itsoundslikeyoudon’tthinkthisdecisionisfairandyouwouldlikemetochangemydecision.Isthatit?

Afteryouhaveaskedyour“tellmemore”questionaboutwhyyouwerecalled“disorganized,”youlistenintentlytotheexplanationandthensaysomethinglike:

-So,youbelievethatifIquestionyourideasinameeting,thenIamunderminingyourcredibility.Isthatright?

Afteryouhaveaskedyour“tellmemore”questionaboutnottrustingyouremployeeandyouhearhersaythatyouareaskingtoomuch,youcouldrespond:

-So,youthinkthatwhenIaskedyoutotakecareofthattask,Iwasaskingtoomuchofyou.HaveIgotitright?

Afteryouhaveaskedyour“tellmemore”questionaboutbeingcalled“deceitful,”yourcolleaguesaysthatyouarea“gloryhog.”Youmightwanttosay:

-Okay,youfeelthatIshouldhaveensuredyourworkwasgivencredit.Isthatit?

-Icanunderstandwhyyouwouldbefrustrated.Tellmemoreaboutwhatyouhadhopedtheoutcomewouldbe.

Again,ifyouaren’tsurewhattosayandstillaren’tclearontheotherperson’sperspective,justkeepitsimpleandsay:

“Tellmemore.”

WhyDoTheseTechniquesWork?

Byaskingquestionsandreallylisteningtotheanswers,youarefarmorelikelytogettotheheartofthematterandgetabetterpictureofwhereotherpeoplearecomingfrom.Whataretheirperspectives?Whataretheirconcerns?Remember,

yourgoalistolistenthroughtheir“hot”languageinordertolearntheirstories.Listenlikeachildlistenstoastoryteller:withcuriosityandnoexpectationofwhatmightcomenext.Ifwetakeotherpeople’sresponsesatfacevalue,reacttosnarkycommentsoruse“hot”languageofourown,wedon’tlearnanything.Wedon’tknowwhattheyarereallytalkingaboutorwheretheyarereallycomingfrom...andthatcanleadtoconversationsthatjustgoaroundandaroundincircles,withinsultsandjudgmentsricochetingeverywhere,withnoproductiveendinginsight.

Whenyougettothebottomofwhatisreallygoingon,notonlyareyouinabetterpositionofunderstandingtheissue,butyouhavealsoaccomplishedtheaddedbonusofmakingtheotherpersonfeelheard.Everyonewantstobeunderstoodandtakenseriously.Whenthingsgetstrainedinconversations,peoplerarelyfeelheardand,whenwedon’tfeelheard,wealsostoplistening...andwhenlisteningstops,respectfliesoutthewindow.Oncerespectisgone,well,thingsgetoutofcontrol-andnogoodcancomeofthat.

“Settinganexampleisnotthemainmeansofinfluencinganother,itistheonlymeans.”

-AlbertEinstein

Ontheotherhand,whenpeoplefeelheardintheirdifficultconversations,notonlydotheyfeelrelievedandsurprised,buttheyarealsounexpectedlydisarmed.Theywerestockpilingawholebunchof“hot”languageforafightthatnevercame.Oncepeoplearedisarmed,theirdefensestendtocomedown,thetensioneasesandthen,asifbymagic,theyaremorelikelytolistentoyourperspectiveandexpectations.Whenyoulisten,youdismantlethesenseofcompetitioninaconversation.Whenyoudon’tlisten,youaddfueltothefireandpeople’sfreak-outscancontinueindefinitely(yuck!).Makeiteasieroneveryonebychoosingtolistenthroughalloftheirblustering,ruderemarksorotherinappropriatebehavior.It’sthequickestwaytofindthelightattheendofthetunnelandachievesuccessinyourdifficultconversations.

Asyoumayhavenoticed,theskillsabovearenotsomuch“new”astheyareacontinuationofskillsyou’vealreadylearned.Whatmakesthemextratrickyisthatyouhavetoenduretheonslaughtevenlonger.Theremaybemoreinsults,morename-calling,moretempertantrums,moretears.Theballisinyourcourtasfarasremainingcalmandasking“tellmemore”questionsforasmanyroundsasittakesto(a)gettheinformationyouneedand(b)disarmtheother

personbylistening.

Let’stakealookathowwecanuseouradvancedlisteningskillsinsomefieryworkplaceconversationstoguidethemtoaproductiveconclusion.

DealingWithDisrespectfulBehavior:DragonDallas

Imagineyouarethehumanresourcesmanagerandyourdirector,DragonDallas,isknowntobepracticallyimpossibletoworkfor.Dallasisabrasive,arrogantandapparentlyfearless.Sheyellsatstaffinpublic,slamsdoorsandstompsaroundsothatmostpeoplewouldneverdaretogetinherway.YouarethehumanbufferbetweenDallasandtherestofthestaffandareprettymuchattheendofyourropedealingwitheveryone’scomplaintsabouther.AvoidingDallasoryourstaffisclearlynotgoingtowork.YoufindyourselfinanimpossiblesituationbecauseinthepastwhenyouhavetalkedtoDallasabouttheseissues,shehasinformedyouthatyoujustdon’t“getit;”shehascheckedwiththestaffherselfandthereareapparentlynoproblemsatall(asifanyonewoulddaretotellherotherwise!).

DuringthelatestDragonDallasdrama,Dallasmarchedintothereceptionarea,whichwasfullofclients,andyelledatthereceptionisttogethisacttogetherandstopputtingcallsthroughtoherbecauseshewas“toof#!%in’busy.”Thereceptionistwasobviouslydistraught,plusmorethanafewwide-eyedcustomersoverheardtheincidentandwereunderstandablyhorrified.

Thereisalotatstakehere:thiskindofbehaviornegativelyaffectsrelationshipswithintheofficeanddoesnotleaveagoodimpressionwithclients.YouknowyouhavetotalkwithDallasagain,butwhatcanyousay?ExperiencetellsyouthatDallasisgoingtoattack,minimizetheincidentandbeveryaggressive.Youarereadyforwhatevershethrowsyourway.YoumeetwithDallasanddeliveryourwellthought-outABCmessage:

“Dallas,ithascometomyattentionthatonThursdayyoucameintothereceptionareaandtoldMartininaloudvoicetogethisacttogetherandnotputcallsthroughwhenyouwereworking.IamconcernedbecauseMartinfelt

humiliatedandanumberofcustomersandstaffhavecommentedtomethattheywereveryuncomfortablewithwhathappened.”

Youstoptalkingand,withoutanyhesitation,Dallaspredictablyrespondsinacondescendingtone,tellingyouthatitreallywasn’tabigdeal.Shethen

barks,“Really,Iwishyouwouldstopbotheringmewiththeseminorthings.Idon’thavetimeforthiscrap!Don’tIpayyoutotakecareofthis?”Youknewthiswascoming(orsomevariationonthetheme),soyouhavebeenchantingyourpositive,calming,centeringmantra.Then,youacknowledgeDallas’perspective:

“ItsoundslikeyouthinkthisisaminorissueandIamoverreacting.Youwantmetodealwiththesekindsofproblemswithoutbotheringyou.Isthatit?”

Dallasyells,“Whatiswrongwithyou?Can’tyouhear?That’swhatIjustsaid!”Youdon’ttakethebait(especiallysincethehookwasaccusingyouofbadhearing,whenyoujustdemonstratedthatyouhavefabuloushearing!).Instead,youtakeadeepbreath,refocusonyourgoalandrespond:

“Ibelievethisisabiggerissue.You’reright;itismyjobtohandlethesethingsandthatiswhyIamtalkingtoyounow.Manyemployeesareintimidatedby

yourbehavior.Ibelieveitisnegativelyaffectingmoraleandourreputationwithcustomers.Iamnotsayingthatitisyourintentiontointimidateorhumiliate

people.Idobelieveattimesthoughthatthatishowyourbehaviorisexperiencedbyothers.”

ThenDallastellsyoushefeelsthatsheisbeingunfairlyjudged.Youaskhertotellyoumoreaboutthat.Shegoesonforabitaboutthecompany’sexpectationsofherandhowhardsheworks.Youpayattentionandlistentoher.Youfindouthowmuchpressuresheisunder,bothatworkandwithafewpersonalissuesonthehomefront.Sheisstrugglingtocopeandcan’taffordtoloseherjob.Youputyourselfinhershoesandacknowledgethetremendousamountofstressshemustbeunder.Thenyousay:

“Dallas,itsoundslikeyoudon’twanttointimidateorhumiliatepeople;youjustwanttogetthingsdone.Idon’tthinkitisaneither/orsituation.IamwonderinghowIcansupportyoutobeyourbestandtosoftenyourapproachwithourstaff.

Ibelievethiswillgoalongwaytowardsimprovingourbottomline.”

ThisisagoodstarttowhatmightbeanumberofconversationsthatwillhopefullymakethingsbetterforDallas,therestofthestaffand-oh,right-you,too.Rememberthatmostpeopledon’tsetouttobedifficultandmiserable;listeningandacknowledgingreallycanworkmiracles.

DealingWithRudeBehavior:GutlessGordon

Youarethevicepresidentofapublicrelationsfirm.You’velearnedthatoneofyourmanagers,GutlessGordon,sentoutanegativeemailaboutyoutotheteamandevencopiedtheCEO.Uh,hello?What’swiththisguyanyway?Doesn’theknowyou’retheflippin’VP?Youarefuriouswhenyoufindout.YoualreadythinkGordonisaworm:insecure,completelygutlessandharboringagrudgebecauseyourecentlygotthejobhewashopingfor(anddidn’tdeserve,bytheway).That’sthestoryyourinsidevoicehascreatedanditsuitsyoujustfine.However,whatarethecold,hardfacts?ThefactsarethatGutlessGordonhasindeedsentoutanemailquestioningyourleadership,inwhichhereferredtoyouas“incompetent.”Theassumptionsyouareentertainingaboutwhyhediditmaynotbethetruthbecause,afterall,youdon’treallyknowforsure.Youjustknowthatyouarenothappyaboutit,soyouprepareandthendeliveryourABCmessagetoGutlessGordon:

“Gordon,Iamconcernedaboutsomerecentcommunicationthatyousentout.IthascometomyattentionthatyousentanemailtotheteamandtheCEOinwhichyouquestionedmyleadershipandreferredtomeas‘incompetent.’Iam

notsurewhatthisisallabout.Canyoutellmewhatisgoingon?”

Youstoptalking,embracesilenceandstartlistening.Asyouhadanticipated,GutlessGordonrespondsaggressivelybyturningthetablesonyou.Hetellsyouthatheisnottheonlyonewhoisconcernedaboutyourleadershipandthatyoushouldn’tbepickingonhim.Hethinksyouhavealottolearninyournewjobandisjusttryingtobe“helpful”(yeah,right).Youaretemptedtojumpinandsaysomething,butfortunatelyyouarepreparedsoyouresisttheurge.Youfeelyoustilldon’thavethefullpicturesoyouaskaclarifyingquestionlike:

“IwonderifyoucouldtellmemoreaboutwhyyouwouldsayIamincompetentandhavealottolearn.Wouldyouelaborate?”

Thenyouembracesilenceagainandlisten.ThisquestionpromptsGordontorevealtherealreasonheisupset:Heisangrybecauseherecentlyworkedonaverysuccessfulprojectthatmadethecompanyalotofmoneyanddoesnotfeelhegotthecredithedeserved.HebelievesitwasyourresponsibilityasVPtoensurethattheCEOknewwhatagreatjobhehaddone.Now,youareinno

moodtogivethisweaselanycreditwhatsoever,butyoucalmthatinsidevoiceandputyourselfinhisshoes.Youacknowledgethatifitwereyou,youwouldbeupsettoo.So,youagreeinaneutralandcalmwaytomakesurehiscontributionisrecognizedbyeveryone,includingtheCEO.

GutlessGordonisnowdisarmed(goodjob!),butyoustillhaveafewissuestoclarify.YoutellGordonyouareopentofeedbackwhenhecomesdirectlytoyoubutsendingnegativeemailswillnotbetolerated.Ofcourseyouhaveabackupplan(disciplinaryaction),shouldthishappenagain.

SummingUp

Noteveryconversationisgoingtobetransformative,liketheDragonDallastalk,orenlightening,likewithGutlessGordon.Noteveryconversationisevengoingtohaveahappyending.However,asyouusethetoolsyouhavelearnedandgainexperienceandconfidenceinyourdifficultconversations,youwillbeabletoimproveuponbothyourskillsandyoursuccesses.Noteveryconversationwillbetiedupneatlywithaprettybow;aseriesofconversationsmayberequired,sometimesyouwillneedtoenduremultipleroundsof“tellmemore”clarificationquestionsfollowedbymorelisteningand,often,thingswon’tgoexactlyaccordingtoplan...butyouwillnevergettheoutcomesyouwantifyoudon’tgetstarted.

TopToolstoRecall:AdvancedListeningSkills

-Takeyourlisteningskillsupanotch,butonlyifyoucanbesincereinthedelivery.-Ask“tellmemore”questionstoclarify.-Acknowledgetheotherperson’sperspectiveandconcernstomakeitmorelikelythatyouwillbeheardandthatyourconversationwillremainrespectful.-Leadbyexample;whenyoucreateanatmosphereofrespect,peoplearemorelikelytobedisarmed.

Youhavebecomeamasteratembracingsilenceaswellaslisteningandaskingquestionstogettothebottomofwhatisgoingonfortheotherperson.Withthisincreasedawarenesscomesyourbestchancetomovethisconversation

forward.Ididpromisethatyouwouldhaveyouropportunitytorespond-andhereitcomes.Thetrick,ofcourse,istorespondinawaythatmovesyourconversationtowarditsproductiveconclusion,ratherthansenditskiddingintotheditch.Itcanbedone!

Step4:RespondPowerfully

Chapter13:Respond,Don’tReact

Chapter14:TheUltimatePowerTool

Chapter13:Respond,Don’tReact

Chapterhighlights:

-Resisttheurgetoreactandbecomedefensive.

-Educateothersabouttheimpactoftheirbehaviorwithoutblameorshame.

-Respondpowerfullyandappropriatelytomisunderstandings,excuses,inconsistencies,misinformationandstatementsthatyoudon’tagreewith.

Youhavebeenprettypatientuptothispoint,haven’tyou?Intheinterestofhavingasuccessfulconversation,youhavegiventheotherpersonspacetodigestyourmessage,listenedthroughreactionsandaskedclarifyingquestions.Youhavediligentlycalmedthatknow-it-allchattyinsidevoiceandthatcallousonyourlipisproofthatyoudidindeedshuttheduckup.Youprepared,anticipatedandexercisedseriousself-control.Iknowthat’salotofwork-andnowyoumaybesayingtoyourself,“Yeah,butwhataboutme?”

Now,aspromised,itisfinallyyourturntorespond.Allofyouractivelisteninguptothispointisveryimportantbecauseitnotonlyhelpsyoufigure

outwhattosay,butitalsosetsthestagefortheotherpersontoactuallyhearyourresponse.Therearetwothingstokeepinmindasyougoforwardhere:First,rememberthatbriefisstillbest;evenifyoufeelyouhavelotstosay,doeveryoneafavorandparedownyourmessagetothebareessentials.Justbecauseyouhavemanagedtopayattentionforwhatfeltlikeacenturydoesn’tmeanthatyoucanexpectthesamesuperstarlisteningskillsfromtheotherperson.Keepitbrief.Second,makesurethattheotherpersonisactuallydonetalkingasopposedtojumpinginwhenyoufeelthat“enoughisenough,already!”Listenallthewaythroughwhattheotherpersonneedstosay;thenyou’llknowthatittrulyisyourturntorespond.

ResisttheUrgetoRespondDefensively

Althoughyouhavemanagedtoembracesilencelongenoughfortheotherpersontofinishtalking,youmaybetemptedtoreactdefensivelywhenitisyourturntorespond,eventhoughyouknowbetter.Defensivenesscanbelikeatornadowhirlingupinsideofyouwhileyoulisten;it’saverynaturalinstinctthatisunfortunatelynotveryhelpfulinyourdifficultconversations.Herearesomewaysthatwesometimesdisguiseourdefensivereactionsaslegitimateresponses:

-I’mrightandyou’rewrong!

-Perhapsyoudidn’tgetit;letmetryagaintoexplainittoyou-andherearesomeextrafacts/figures/charts/graphs/research/reports/studies...

-Thatisjustnottrue!Iamnotthatkindofperson.

-Look,thisisnotmyfault.

Rememberhowitfeltwhentheotherpersonwasbeingdefensive?Youdidn’tbelieveawordofit.Well,it’sthesamestoryhere.Allyouaredoingwithdefensivenessisprolongingtheconversationandfritteringyourpoweraway.Respondingdefensivelyreignitesthefireyouworkedsohardtoputoutbecauseitelicitsmorereactionsanddefensivenessintheotherperson.Themoreyouprotest,themorequestionableyourintentionsandmotivesbecome.Youhaveworkedverydiligentlytogettothispointinyourconversations,soaskyourselfifyoureallywanttoriskunderminingyourcredibilitynow,whenyouhavecomesofar.Althoughdefensivenesscanbeveryalluring,itisnevertheanswer.

“Maintaininganauthenticpresenceisthesinglemostimportantthingyoucandotoincreaseyoureffectivenesswhenworkingtoturnconflictinto

collaboration.”

-JamesW.Tamm[xxvii]

Let’sdigalittledeeperintothedefensiveresponsesfromaboveandseewhytheyreallymustbeavoided:

1.“I’mright,you’rewrong,soletmeshowyouthelight!”

Youwanttobecarefulthatyourresponsedoesnottrytoconvincetheotherpersonthatyourdecision,perspectiveorfeelingsare“right.”YourABCmessagemayhavebeenbrilliant,butforcingpeopletoagreewithyousoyoucanmakethem“seethelight”isafantasy.Maybetheyreallydidn’tgetitthefirsttime,butthereisnochancethattheywillgetitthistime,either,ifyouadoptthequintessentiallydefensive“I’mright,you’rewrong”approach.Nomatterhowhardyoutry,yourattempttoshoveyourpositionorperspectivedowntheirunwillingthroatsisdoomedtofail.

ThinkbacktothestoryofDragonDallasinthepreviouschapter.WhatiftheofficemanagerhadtriedtoconvincedDallasthatshewas“justplaindifficult”insteadofseekingtounderstandher?WhatifshehadraisedhervoiceoverDallas’(noeasyfeat!)andshouted,“Look,lady,doyouwanttopollthewaitingroomrightnow?Everyonethinksyou’rehorrible!”Whatifshehad

casuallyleftacopyofthebookWorkingWithYouIsKillingMe[xxviii]

onherdesk?HowconvincedwouldDallashavebeenthatshewasindeeda“dragon?”Moreimportantly,howlikelywouldithavebeenthatDallaswouldchangeherways?Notvery!

Myadviceistostoppushingyourviewsonotherpeoplebecauseitsimplywillnotgetyouwhatyouwant.Peoplehatetolosefaceorbetoldtheyarewrong.Thegoalofyourtalkwasnevertoprovethatyouwereright,anyway(atleastIhopenot).Afterall,“rightness”isaprettysubjectiveconcept.Sure,itfeelsgoodtobe“right,”butitwillfeelevenbetterwhenyouknowthatyousidesteppedthatdefensiveurgeinordertoachieveyourrealgoalsfortheconversation.Rememberthat“beingright”isnotnecessaryforyoutoachieveyourgoals,sothereisnopointintryingtoforcetheotherpersontoseethingsyourway.

2.“Youjustdon’tgetit.Letmeexplainagain.”

Anotherdefensiveapproachweadoptistojustifyorrationalizeourpointsofviewbycorrectingotherpeople’sinterpretationsofthemandthenblabbingonandontoexplainthe“why”ofouractions,commentsanddecisionsinpainfuldetail.Justdon’tgothere,nomatterhowstrongthetemptation.Theywon’thearawordofyourexplanation,Icanpromiseyouthat,becausetheywillbetoobusyfeelingattackedorpatronized.

I’mnotsayingthatyoushouldn’tclarifywhatyougenuinelybelievetobeamisunderstanding,butdon’tkidyourselfintothinkingthatifotherpeopledon’tshareyourpointofview,itmustbebecausethey“justdon’tgetit.”Itisentirelypossibleforpeopletomaintaintwoopposingpointsofview,butthatdoesn’tstopyoufromsharingyourperspective.Thereisnoneedtoconvincepeoplethatyourstanceismorevalidthantheirs,sodon’twasteyourbreathwithlengthyjustificationsandrationalizations.Whenthereistrulysomethingthatneedstobeclarified,chooseaneutraltoneofvoiceandjustgettothepoint.

Hereisalittleworkscenariothatmanyofuscanrelateto:Youworkintheaccountingdepartmentandarecompletelysickof“urgentrequests.”Youhavetoldoneoftheworstoffenders,PushyPatrick,thatyouwillnotviolatepolicyandwritehimacheckwithouttheproperpaperwork.Herespondsbybegging,flatteringandtryingtoconvinceyoutodootherwise.

DoesPatricknotunderstandthepolicy?Ofcoursehedoes;hejustdoesn’tlikeit.Insteadofbeingcalmandconfident,youdefendyourdecisionbyexplaininginexcruciatingbureaucraticdetailthecompany’spoliciesandwhyyouareethicallyandmorallyboundtocomply.Notonlyisyourspeechirritating,butitalsogivesPatrickplentyofextrasemanticstoarguewithyou,whichguaranteesalengthy,tediousconversation.

Instead,youcouldhavesimplytakenadeepbreathandsaid:

“Iunderstandthatyoudon’tagreewiththispolicyandyouthinkitisunfair.YouneedtoknowthatIamnotcomfortableviolatingtherulesandIwillnotbeissuingthecheckwithouttherequiredpaperwork.Ifyoubringmetheproperpaperwork,Iwillbehappytowritethatcheckforyou.”STOPTALKING.

(Enoughsaid.)

Asyoucansee,itmakesmuchmoresense(andisfarlesspainful)tojust

gettothepointandavoiddefendingyourselfbyjustifyingyourchoices.Youcancertainlyexplainthe“why”ofyourdecisionstopeople,butdon’tbendoverbackwardsrationalizingiftheyrefusetoagreewithyourexplanation.Remember:othersdonothavetoagreewithyour“why”inorderforyourconversationstogetwheretheyneedtogo.

3.“That’snottrue!YouknowI’mnotthatkindofperson!”

Almosteveryone’sknee-jerkresponseistodefendthemselveswhensomeonecallsintoquestiontheircharacterorintegrity.Whileitistemptingtoindulgethisdefensivereaction,rememberthatthiskindofresponseisunproductiveandunlikelytochangetheotherperson’sperspective.Themoreyourepeatthatyouaretrustworthy,fair,honest,professional,etc.,thelessconvincingitsounds.Besides,thereisagoodchancethattheotherpersondidn’tevenmeanexactlywhatheorshesaid,butjustblurteditoutthankstodefensivenessandachatteringinsidevoice.Youknowwhatthat’slike,right?Thereisnopointinindulgingthosejudgmentalcommentswithadefensivereactionbecauseitwillonlyservetosendyourdiscussionoffinanunwelcomedirection.

Let’sseeifyoucanrelatetothisstoryofdenial:ImaginethatyouareamanagerandhavejustadvisedConniethatshewillnotbegoingtoanupcomingnationalmeetingbeingheldinanexoticlocationandthatFredwillbegoinginstead.Connieprotestsbecausetherearespecificpresentationsrelatedtoherworkthatshethinkssheshouldbeapartof,butyouranswerisafirm“no.”Next,apoutingConniesays,“Well,everyoneknowsthatFredisyourfavorite,soIguessit’snobigsurprisethathegetstogoandnotme!”Nowyoufeeltriggeredbecauseyourintegrityhasjustbeencalledintoquestion.YoudefendyourselfbyexplainingthatitjustsohappensthatFredhasneverhadtheopportunitytogotooneofthesemeetingsandthateachmemberoftheteamshouldgettohavetheexperience.Younatteronandon,tellingConniethatyouarealwaysasfairaspossible,thatyoudoyourbesttotreateveryonethesameandthatFredisnotyour“favorite”becauseyoudon’thave“favorites.”

Yourconversation,whichhadoriginallybeenabouttellingConnieshewasnotgoingtothismeeting,hasnowgonecompletelyofftrackandissomehowallaboutyouandyourintegrity.Yourfeelingsarehurt;Connieisfuming.Byrespondingdefensively,allyoudidwasundermineyourcredibilityandfuelConnie’soutrage.

Sowhatcouldyouhavedoneinstead?First,youcouldhavelistenedto

Connieandacknowledgedherperspectivelikethis:

“Itsoundslikeyoureallythinkthatyoushouldgotothemeetingbecausethepresentationslinkspecificallytoyourwork.Icanunderstandwhyyouwouldwanttobeapartofthesepresentations.ItsoundslikeyouareconcernedthatI

amnotbeingfair.Isthatright?“STOPTALKINGandlisten.

OnceConniehadsaidwhatsheneededtosay,youcouldhaverespondedinawaythatwasconcise,calmandconfident:

“Iunderstandthatyoudon’tthinkmydecisiontotakeFredtothemeetingisfair.Ihaveadifferentperspective.Ibelieveitisimportantforallmembersofthe

teamtoexperiencethesemeetingseveniftheyarenottheleadonthefile,sothistimeFredwillbegoing.”

Endofstory.Don’tworryaboutdefendingyourselfagainstConnie’sunkindwords;dispellingheraccusationsisunnecessarytogetyourpointacrossbecausetheydonotchangethegoalforyourconversation.

4.“Hey,Iwishthingscouldbedifferent,too,butthisreallyisn’tmyfault.”

Whenyoudon’ttakeownershipofyouractionsordecisions,ultimatelyitmakesyoulookweakandineffectual.Tellingpeoplethataworkplacedecisionwasoutofyourcontrolmaymakeyoufeelbetter,butaskyourselfthis:Doyourespectsomeonewhoblamesothers?

Let’ssaythatyouareahumanresourcesmanagerinalargeorganization.Recently,abigshakeupdecisionwasmadethatallofyourstaffwillneedtorelocatefromtheirfieldofficestoonecentralizedlocation.Youremployeeswillalleitherhavetomoveorfindanotherjob.Youhaveworkedwithsomeofthesepeopleforyears;thisisreallytoughforyou.Youletyouremployeesknowandtheyareallunderstandablyupsetandstressedoutbythedecision.Youfeelterribleaboutwhatishappeningandreallydon’twanttobeseenas“thebadguy,”soyouremindyourstaffthatthisdecisioncamefromheadofficeandthatifyoucouldhavestoppedit,youwouldhave.

Howdoyouremployeesrespond?Well,insteadofsaying,“Oh,it’sokay,thisisn’tyourfault.We’llallbefine,”likeyouhadhoped,theycontinuetogrumbleandworry-andnowyouarestartingtogetthesilenttreatment.

Thereasonthateveryoneisgivingyouthecoldshoulderisbecauseyouhavemadetheissueaboutyourfearofbeingblamedinsteadofbeingempatheticaboutwhatyouremployeesaregoingthrough.Whenyoudeflectblame-evenifsomethingreallyisn’tyourfault-itjustmakespeopleupset.

Howcouldyouhaverespondedinstead?Howabout:

“Iknowthisisnotaneasytimeforanyoneandyouhavesomedifficultdecisionsaheadofyou.IwillsupportyouinwhateverwayIcan.”

Muchbetter!Thisstatementismorelikelytogivethestaffasenseofcalmandsupport.Bynotdivertingyourconversationdownthe“thisisn’tmyfault”path,youkeepfocusedontheissueandshowthatyourespectwhatothersaregoingthrough.

Soyouseetheproblemsdefensivenesscancause,butnowyoumaybeasking,“Whataboutsettingtherecordstraight?Can’tIhavethesatisfactionofpointingoutpeople’sflawedarguments?OrwhatifI’mreallynottoblame?”Theproblemwith“settingtherecordstraight”isthatittellstheotherpersonthatyoufeeltheneedtobolsteryourmessage.Itultimatelyshowsalackofconfidence,whichunderminesyourcredibilityandpower.Lengthyexplanations,justifying,denyingandblamingjustgivetheotherpersonmorematerialtodisagreewithandargueabout.Worstofall,yourinitialmessagegetslostintheshufflebecauseyouhavelostfocusofyourgoal.

DownWithDefensiveness:FabulousFridays

Letmetellyouastoryfrommypersonallifethatshowcaseshowdefensivenesscangetintheway:

IenjoyFridayasadaytodolotsofcreativeworkinmyhomeoffice.Nooneelseisinthehouse:nokids,nohousekeeper,nohubby.Periodically,though,hubbytakesFridaysoff.He’llusehisdaytogetcaughtupinhishomeoffice,exercise,takethekidstoschool,doerrands,etc.Hisintentionsarealwaysgood.Hewantstobehelpfulandsupportive-buttherealityformeisthatwhenheishome,Idon’tgetmuchdone.Onesuchweek,hubbytoldmecheerfullyhehadthecomingFridayoffandaskedwhathecoulddotohelpout.HealsowantedtoknowifIwouldliketogotothegymwithhimandthengoforlunch,thenmaybefitinatennisgame.Iputonaweaksmileandsaid,“Let’sseehowtheweekunfolds.”

Thenextmorning,IoffhandedlymentionedtomysonthatIwasalittledisappointedthatdad’sFridayoffkindofmessedwithmyplans.Well,notonlywasthisnotanicethingtosay,especiallytomyson,butlaterthateveningwhenweallsatdowntodinner,mysonannounced,“Dad,youshouldgotoworkonFriday.Momsaidshedoesn’twantyouaroundthehousebecauseyouarealwaysmessingupherplans.”Hubbystoppedmid-chewandlookedatmewithamixofdisappointmentandhurt.AndwhatdidIdo?Ididwhatmanyofusdowhenwegetcaughtwithourpantsdown:panic!

First,Iemployedtheclassicdefensivemaneuverofdenial.Ideniedmakingthestatement,butmysonwouldhavenoneofthat-heknewwhathe’dheard!Next,Ideniedsayingitthewaymysonhadportrayedmesayingit.Ilamelysaidsomethingalongthelinesof,“No,Ididn’tsaythat.WhatIsaidwasthatitcanbedifficulttogetworkdonewhenanyoneishome;it’snothingpersonal.”Well,mysonbustedmeonthatoneaswellandinformedthetablethatthatwasnotwhatIhadsaid(ah,fromthemouthsofbabes).SothenItriedjustifyingmycomments,addinginalittlebitofblameforgoodmeasure:“Well,theproblemisthatwhenyou’rehome,youdon’trespectthatI’mworking.Youtalktooloudlyonthephone.Youexpectmetochatandwanttogotothegymtogether,playtennisandhavelunch.Ialsohavetocleanupafteryourmesses.It’sactuallymoreworkforme!”

Needlesstosay,thisconversationwasnotgoingverywell.Ihadunderminedmymessagewithdenialandstory-changing,nottomentionIhadsetabadexampleformysonandhurthubby’sfeelings.Hehadbeenexcitedaboutspendingthedayathome,hopingtohavesomequalitytimewithhiswifeandkids.Sheesh-nicelydone,Diane!

IfIhada“do-over,”thereareanumberofthingsIwouldhavedonedifferently:First,Iwouldhavekeptmyinsidevoiceatbayandnothavemadethatcommentinfrontofmyson.Second,IwouldhaveowneduptowhatI’dsaidandapologizedinsteadofgettingdefensiveandturningthetablesonmysonandhubby.Finally,Iwouldhavefoundanopportunitytochatwithmyhubby(inprivate,awayfromthekids)toclarifywhyIhadmadethecommentinthefirstplace.TheideawouldbenottogiveuponwhatIwanted,whichwastimeonmyFridaystogoaboutmyday,buttosharemyconcernswithmyhusbandsothatwecouldworksomethingouttogether.

Icouldhavesaidsomethinglike:

“Honey,IwantedtoletyouknowwhereIwascomingfromwhenImadethatcomment.IwaslookingforwardtogettingalotofworkdoneonFridayasmyweekisprettybookedup.Itwasn’tmyintentiontogiveyoutheimpressionthatIdon’tlikehavingyouaroundorappreciateyourhelp-becauseIreallydo.I’mwonderinghowwecouldschedulethesekindsofdaysgoingforwardsoweboth

cangetourneedsmet.”

LearningtoRespondPowerfully

Whatwereallywanttodoisrespondpowerfully...butwhenwegetdefensive,wefallshortofourintentions.Sinceyoucan’tchangewhatyoudon’tknow,beingawareofwhatmakesyoufeeldefensivecanhelpyoumanagethosefeelingsratherthanfallvictimtothem.Ourtriggersareoftencommentsthatcallintoquestionourfairness,integrity,competence,honesty,commitmentortrustworthiness.Remembertotryalittlepositivemantrawhenyouareuptotheplateanditistimetorespond.Choosetorespondpowerfully,notdefensively.Beconcise,calmandconfident.That’sthebestwaytogetyourmessageheard.

Ascommunicators,wearepowerfulwhenweareinfluential,effectiveandpersuasive.Thisisespeciallytrueinourmostdifficultconversations,whenwearetaskedwithrespondingpowerfullyinthefaceofanintimidatingreaction.Ifyouarenaturallyshyortimid,facingafreak-outcanseemterrifying.Howareyousupposedtostanduptoallofthatshoutingand/orcryingand/orintimidation?Justrememberthetoolsyouhavelearnedthroughoutthisbook.Zeroinonyourgoalandremainfocusedthroughoutthetalk.Pluckupthecouragetospeakanddon’tworryabouttheotherperson’sdefensivereactions-nomatterhowoff-the-wall-becausenowyouknowthatallyouhavetodoisembracesilence(nottoohardforsomeonewhoisafraidtospeak!)andlistencloselyuntilitisyourturntorespondandreiterateyourmessage.

Ontheflipside,forthoseofyouwhotendtobemore“bullinachinashop”than“wallflower,”knowthatIhavelearnedthehardwaythat“respondingpowerfully”isnotthesameas“overpoweringpeople.”Comingacrossasabrasiveordominatingisnotasmarttackforsuccessfulconversations.

“Beingpowerfulislikebeingalady.Ifyouhavetotellpeopleyouare,youaren’t.”

-MargaretThatcher

Anumberofyearsago,Itookacommunicationscourse.IthoughtIwasdoinganespeciallyterrificjobinthedifficultconversationrole-plays.Onthefinalday,myinstructorgavemesomeverycandidfeedbackonavideotapedconversationrole-play.Shedescribedmyeyecontactaslaser-likeandmypresenceandtoneasoverpowering.ShesaidmyphysicalproximitytotheotherpersonwhileIwastalkingmademeintimidating.IwassurprisedbythefeedbackbecauseIwasapparentlysayingallthe“rightwords,”butmyvoiceandbodylanguagetoldadifferentstory.TheinstructortoldmethatIneededtoworkonmyempathy(puttingmyselfintheotherperson’sshoes)andsoftenmyapproach.

Afterward,Iwaschattingwithoneofmyclassmatesaboutthefeedback,assuminghewouldprotestandtellmehowbrilliantIreallywas.Instead,hesortoflaughedandsaid,“Youknow,Diane,assoonasyouwalkedintheroomonthefirstdayofthecourse,IdecidedIwasgoingtoavoidyouliketheplague.Eventhoughyoudidnottellusyouwerealawyerinitially,itoozedoutofeveryporeofyourbody.Ifeltreallysorryforyourhusband.Iwastotallyafraidofyou!IamgladIgottoknowyoubetterbecausenowIrealizeyouareagreatlady.”

Wow!Iwassurprised!Thatday,Ilearnedthatbodylanguageissopotentthatitcansendamessagewellbeforeyouevergetthechancetoopenyourmouthduringwhatyouthinkissupposedtobeyourshottomakeafirstimpression.Iwasgratefulthatmyclassmatehadallowedhimselftogettoknowme;butwhoknowshowmanyothersinmylifejustdecidedtostayaway?

Whenwecanbemoreapproachableandless“inyourface,”itgivesustheopportunitytocreatemorepowerfulmessages.Rememberthat“power”isaboutbeingheardandsharingyourmessage,notaboutdominatingothers.Itisaboutbeingtruetoyourselfandwhatyoubelievein,withoutdiscountingotherpeopleortheirperspectives.Youwanttorespondinawaythatiscalm,conciseandconfidentwiththebigpictureinmind.

AndHowAmISupposedtoDoThat?

Itispossibletoeducateothersabouttheimpactoftheirbehaviorwithoutblameorshame-andwithoutcoweringwhilewedoit.Wecanstillholdpeopleaccountablebyexposingassumptions,biasesormisinformation.Shareyourobservationoropinion;justdoitwithoutthe“hot”andjudgmentallanguagethat

youknowwouldputyourconversationinjeopardy.Let’slookathowyoucanrespondpowerfullyinafewsamplesituationsnow:

1.Respondingpowerfullytomisunderstandings

Ifitbecomesobviousthattherehavebeenmisunderstandingsinyourtalk,don’tbeafraidtoclarifyyourmessageoraskfurtherquestionstoensurethatyouunderstandeachother.Itmaytakeafewroundsofclarifyingquestionsandgenuinelistening,buttheeffortwillpayoff.Keepinmindthatyoudon’tnecessarilywanttotakeeverythingthepersonsaysatfacevaluebecausechancesareyoumightbespeakingtoadefensiveinsidevoice.Digalittledeeperanddoyourbesttoclarifywithoutcondescension.

Insteadofthis:

-Iguessyoumisunderstoodme.Letmeexplainitagain.[Youmightaswellhavesaid,“Youareobviouslytoostupidtohavegottenitthefirsttime!”]

-Youmustnotbelistening;let’stryagain.[Soundslikeblametome!]

-Ifyouhadbeenpayingattentionatall,youwouldknowthatthatisn’twhatIsaid.[Yikes-justyikes.]

Saythis:

-ItsoundslikeIhavenotexplainedmyselfverywell.CouldIclarify?

-Itcertainlywasnotmyintentiontoimplythatyouareincompetent.Myconcernis...

-Imustnothaveexpressedmyselfwell;Idon’twanttheretobeanymisunderstandings.Iwouldliketoclarifythat...

2.Respondingpowerfullytolong-windeddefensiveflare-ups

Sometimes,aftertheotherpersonhasrespondeddefensivelyandgoneonandonandon,youmaysensethatyourmessagefelloverboardatsomepoint.Forthesakeofkeepingyourtalkontrack,besuretocalmlyandclearlyrestateyourmessage.Avoidcuttingtheotherpersonoff(nomatterhowtempting),butonceitisyourturntospeak,trytogettheconversationbackontrack.

Insteadofthis:

-Iambeingfairandmydecisionisfinal!

-Look,it’srudetobetextingnonstopandcheckingyouremailsatalunchmeeting,period.

Saythis:

-Itsoundslikeyoudon’tthinkIambeingfairhereandthatIamsinglingyouout.Ihaveadifferentperspective.

-Myexpectationisthatweareallfullyengagedatmeetingsand,forme,thatmeansnotextingorcheckingemail.

3.Respondingpowerfullytolameexcuses

Otherpeopleoftendon’ttakeresponsibilityfortheiractions,happilyofferingupalitanyofexcusesforwhytheyhaven’tdonewhattheyshouldhave.Youobviouslydon’tbuytheirrationale,butifyouattempttoaddresseverylastlameexcuse,youpracticallyguaranteethatmoredefensivenessisonitswayandthatyourconversationgoesfrom“difficult”to“never-ending.”

Insteadofthis:

-Iamsosickofallofyourexcuses!

Saythis:

-Iunderstandthatthingscomeupfromtimetotime.IalsoneedtoknowthatIcancountonyoutodowhatyoutellmeyouwilldo.Ifthereisaproblem,Ineedtoknowrightawaysothatwecandealwithit.

4.Respondingpowerfullytoinconsistentstatementsormisinformation

Wehaveallbeeninconversationsinwhichonepartygetscaughtinanuntruthandthenstartsbackpedalinglikecrazy.(Justthinkofmeinmy“FabulousFridays”story;IwouldhavebackpedaledallthewaytoChinaifIcouldhave!)Whenyoucatchpeopleinalie,itissooootemptingtonailthemtothewall;butwhenyoubackpeopleintoacorner,youcanusuallycountonthemcomingoutswinging.Honestly,didn’tyoupostponethisdifficultconversationforaslongasyoucouldjustbecauseyouwantedtoavoidthedrama?Don’tgiveinnow!Yes,

youcanletpeopleknowthatyouareawareoftheirinconsistenciesandtheimpactthattheyhavehadonyou,butthat’swhereitends.Remember,thegoalisnottoassumetheworstofpeopleorillintentionsontheirparts;thegoalistocommunicateyourawarenessoftheinconsistencyandthenmoveon.

Insteadofthis:

-Thatisnotwhatyousaid.Yousaidyoudidn’ttalktotheclient,butthatisobviouslynottrue.Maybeyoushouldgetyourstorystraightbeforeyoustartcallingmenames!

-Wow,firstit’sA,thenit’sB!Canyoueventellthetruthfromalieanymore?

Saythis:

-Ithoughtyousaidthatyouhadn’ttalkedwiththeclientinadvanceofourmeeting.Nowyoutellmethat,tomakethemeetingmoreefficient,youhadtocomeupwithaplanwiththeclient.

-WhatyoudeservetoknowisthatIamconcernedthatyouarechangingyourstorybecausetheissueisnowabouttrust,whichisabiggerconcernforme.

5.Respondingpowerfullytostatementsthatyoudisagreewith

Ofteninourdifficultconversations,peoplewillsaythingsthatwejustplaindisagreewith.Weknowthatwemustacknowledgetheirperspectivesbutwedon’twanttocomeacrossasagreeingwithwhathasbeensaid.Throughyourresponses,youcanchoosetoeitherleadyourconversationtoitsproductiveconclusionorsenditintoaskid.

Insteadofthis:

-Idisagree.

-Youareflat-outwrong.

Saythis:

-Ihaveadifferentperspective.

-Nothingwehavetalkedaboutherehaschangedmyview.

Thenfollowupwithclarificationofyourperspective,suchas:

-Itmaynothavebeenyourintentiontoshutdowncommunication,butIbelievethatthatwastheimpactwhenyourolledyoureyesandsighedatOscarinthemeetingthismorning.

Hopefullyyoucanseehowpowerfulresponsesdifferfromdefensiveresponses.Whenyouchoosetorespondpowerfully,itcanmakeyourconversationsgomuchbetter.Ofcourse,whenIsay“muchbetter,”Idon’tnecessarilymeanthattheotherpersonisgoingtobethrilledwithyournewsorthatyouwillgetwhatyouwantandeveryonewilllivehappilyeverafter.WhatIdomeanisthatwhenyoudeliveryourmessagewithclarityandthenrespondpowerfullyinawaythatiscalm,conciseandconfident,youmakereachingyourultimategoalfortheconversationthatmucheasier.

WrapItUp!

Nowthatyouhaverespondedpowerfullyandclarifiedanymisunderstandings,itistimetowraptheconversationup.“Wrappingitup”canmeandifferentthingsdependingonhowtheconversationgoes.Itreallydependsonthenatureoftheconversationinquestion.

Herearesomewaysyoumaywanttowrapitup:

-Ihavemademypositionclear.Howyoudecidetohandlethisisuptoyou.

-Let’ssummarizewhatwehavebothunderstood,here...

-Wehavetalkedaboutmanythingstoday.Iwouldlikeyoutothinkoveryouroptionsandgetbacktomebytheendofnextweek.

-Justtoclarifywhatwehavebothunderstood:youwillletmeknowifyouwillhavetroublemeetingyourdeadlinesbeforetheactualduedates.

-Let’sfollowupwiththismatterinthreedays’time.

Ifyoucan,spendalittletimethinkingaboutwhatanappropriate“wrapitup”dialoguemightlooklikeforyourparticularsituationbeforeyourdifficultconversationbegins.Asyoucansee,everyscenarioisdifferent.Choosewhatmightworkforyoursituation,aswellaswhatwouldfeelnaturalforyoutosay,thengofromthere.The“wrapitup”portionofyourconversationmaynotgo

exactlyaccordingtoplan,butbyanticipatinghowthingsmightgo,youhelpensurethatyouwon’tgetcaughtwithouttherightwords.

Althoughyourmessagemaybeabitterpilltoswallow,itcanbedeliveredinsuchawaythatthepersonyouaretalkingtofeelsheard,feelsrespectedandhastheopportunitytosaveface-justlikemyfriendScottiedidwithme.Keepinmindthatthechoicetosavefaceandrespondlessdefensivelyisentirelytheirs,justasthechoicetoreactdefensivelyorrespondpowerfullyisentirelyyours.Iobviouslycan’tguaranteethatthepeopleinyourconversationswilldisarm,calmdownandhelpyouendtheconversationmaturelyandcalmly,evenwhenyouapplyeverytoolinthisbooktoperfection.Ican’tpromisethatyouwillneverbeinterrupted,thattherewillneverbetearsorthatyourconversationswillalwaysbeassmoothassilk.

“Therealartofconversationisnotonlytosaytherightthingintherightplace,but...toleaveunsaidthewrongthingatthetemptingmoment.”

-DorothyNevill[xxix]

WhatIcanpromiseisthatwhenyousticktothesetools,youwillbeabletoleavedifficultworkplaceconversationsknowingthatyoudideverythinginyourpowertoensuretheygoaswellaspossibleandthatyoutookthehighroad,evenwhentheotherperson’sdefensivereactionsandfreak-outsweretauntingyoumercilessly.Youwillhaveconveyedyourmessageconfidently,listenedrespectfullyandrespondedpowerfully-andthat’sallyoucanaskofyourself.Therestisuptotheotherperson.

Alsokeepinmindthatwhenwehavethesekindsofinteractions,theresultswearehopingforareseldominstantaneous.Moreoftenthannot,ittakestimeandspaceforotherpeopletocalmdownandthinkaboutourperspectivesonthematterathand.Itcouldtakehours,days,weeksorlonger,andyouwillprobablyneverheartheotherpersonsaythosemagicwords:“Youknow,youwereright!”However,inalllikelihood,youwillstarttoseeachangeintheotherperson’sbehavior.Itisn’t100%guaranteed,ofcourse,andthatiswhatyourbackupplanisfor,butinmyexperience,awell-executedconversationisoftenthecatalystforpositiveandlastingchange.

TopToolstoRecall:RespondingPowerfully

-Choosenottoreacttotheotherperson.Rememberto“shuttheduckup”whennecessary!-Helptheotherpersonsavefacebyrespondingpowerfully,notdefendingortryingtoprovetheotherpersonwrong.-Respondingpowerfullygivesyouafeelingofcontrolandtheconfidenceofknowingyoucanbeproudofyourbehavior.-Choosetobecalm,conciseandconfident.Therestisuptotheotherperson.

Congratulations!Younowhaveallofthetoolsyouneedinordertoprepareforyourtoughestoftoughtalksandnavigatethemtoasuccessfuloutcome...butthereisstillonetrickleftthatcanmakeallofyourdifficultconversationsgothatmucheasier:apositiverelationship.

Whenyouhaveagoodworkingrelationshipwithanotherperson,itcanmakehavingtheseconversationseasierbecausethemutualrespectisalreadythere.Idon’tmeanthatthetwoofyouhavetobebesties,butitdoeshelpiftherelationshipisgenerallypositive.Thegoodnewsisthat(a)youcanhaveyourtoughtalkseitherway-goodrelationshipornot-and(b)itispossibletofosterpositiverelationshipsintheworkplace,evenwithpeoplewhomyoudon’tparticularlycarefor.Getreadytolearnsomepowerfulrelationship-buildingtoolsthatcantransformyoufrom“greatcommunicator”into“communicatorextraordinaire.”

Chapter14:TheUltimatePowerTool

Chapterhighlights:

-Adoptthe5:1rule.

-Learntogenuinelyappreciateyourcoworkersandcolleagues.

-Mastertheartofsaying“I’msorry.”

Theonethingthatcanmakeourdifficultconversationsawholeloteasierishavingasolidrelationshipwiththepersonwithwhomweneedtotalk.Whetherinourprofessionalorpersonallives,whenthingsarehummingalong,wedon’tseemtodomuchtalking-butthere’snoneedtowaituntilwehavesomehumungouscatastropheonourhandstoopenupthelinesofcommunication.

Aproactiveapproachisoftenmuchmoreproductive(andfarlessthreateningtotherelationship)thangoinginaftersomethingbadhashappenedandattemptingtoputthepiecesbacktogether.Youcanbeproactiveandfoster

positiveworkplacerelationshipsbybeingtransparentaboutyourgoodfeelings,praise,compliments,etc.

Wehavespentmostofthebookcoveringdifficultconversations,whichinpracticeoftenmeans“negativeconversations,”suchas:

-Deliveringsensitivenews

-Deliveringbadorsadnews

-Confrontingsomeone’srudenessordisrespectfulbehavior

-Dealingwithpoorperformance

-Saying“no”tosomeonewhoreallywantsa“yes”

Butnotallofyourimportantconversationshavetobenegative.Everyonelikestohearthattheyhavedonesomethingwell,myselfincluded(andI’mguessingyou,too!).Let’sendthingsonapositivenotebytalkingabouthowtobuildstrongworkplacerelationshipstocreateahealthier,longer-termbigpicture,whichwillultimatelyhelpsmoothoutanyfuturetoughtalks.

Adoptthe5:1Rule

AccordingtorenownedrelationshipexpertJohnGottman,the“magicratio”ofpositivetonegativeinteractionsforhappilymarriedcouples,especiallyduring

timesofconflict,is5:1.[xxx]

TherewasalsoastudypublishedinAmerican

BehavioralScientistthatfocusedonasimilarratio,onlyintheworkplace.[xxxi]

Thatstudyfoundthathighperformingteamshadaratioofpositivetonegativeinteractionsatworkof5.6:1.Inotherwords,thetwofindingsweresimilar:five-ishpositiveinteractionsforeveryonenegativeinteractionseemstobetherecipe

forharmony,bothatworkandathome.[xxxii]

Honestly,howmanyofuscansaythatwearefollowingthe5:1ruleintheworkplace?Doesn’titseemlikewespendthemajorityofourtimecomplainingaboutwhatpeoplearedoingwrong?Instead,let’sconsciouslylookforopportunitiesto“catch”peopledoingsomethingrightandthentellthemaboutit.

Yourfivepositiveactionscanmanifestinalotofdifferentways:simplethingslikebeinghumbleormoredifficultthingslikeapologizingevenwhenwe

don’twantto.Wemightseekopportunitiestodosmallfavors,suchaspickingupourcoworker’scoffeealongwithourownorhelpingourpeerssetuptheirpresentationmaterials.Itallcanhelpimproveourworkplacerelationshipsandhopefullymakeourmoredifficultrelationshipsthatmucheasier.Thisisnotaboutgivingfakecomplimentstoanyonewhowilllistenorshowingoffhowmagnanimousyouare;it’saboutasincereefforttoimprovetherelationshipsinyourworkplacethroughsimple,thoughtfulwordsandactions.

BeingGenuineIsKey

Neverlosesightofthis:whateveryoudoinanefforttoimproveyourrelationshipsmustbegenuineandcomefromtheheart.Ifyousetouttobuildyourrelationshipsinawaythatismechanicalandcontrived,peoplewillseethroughthatandyouractionsmaybeviewedasmanipulative.Peoplecanspotinsincerityfromamileaway.

“Kindnessisinourpowerevenwhenfondnessisnot.”

-SamuelJohnson

Ifyouractsofkindnessareaimedatpeoplewithwhomyoualreadyhavegoodworkingrelationships,that’sfine.Butifyourrelationshipwithyourcolleague,businesspartnerorassistantisstrained,thenbepreparedforsomepuzzledlooksorpush-backasyoufocusonthepositivewiththemandactingenuinelykindways.Holdyourgroundandchoosenottobedefensiveiftheyquestionyourmotives.Forexample,ifyousaytoyourassistant,“Ireallyappreciatethatyoucomeinearlyeverydaytogetaheadstartonyourwork,”shemaybesuspiciousofyourintentionsandgiveyoualookorsaysomethingalongthelinesof:“Ihavebeencominginearlyfor10yearsandtodayisnodifferent.”

Thetemptationistorespond,“Iwasonlytryingtobenice!Sheesh-can’tyoutakeacompliment?Whydoyouhavetobesodefensive?”Oops-somuchforyourniceness.Instead,shuttheduckuporyouwillundoallofyourgoodintentionsandsetyourselfupforasteepuphillbattleinthefuture.Weknowwhathappenswhenwebecomedefensive:itinvariablygetsustheoppositeofwhatwewant.Justembracesilence,smileatthefactthatyournicenesscaughtsomeonebysurpriseandmoveon.

WhenIteachworkshopsandwetalkaboutthe5:1rule,Iabsolutelycringe

whenmanagersspendtheirbreaktimeimmediatelyacknowledgingorthankingstaffmembersfortheirhardwork.Althoughwellintentioned,itcomesacrossasinsincerebecauseit’snotspecificenoughandit’soutofcontext-kindoflikewhenyoucomplaintoyourbeauabouthowheneverbuysyouflowersandthenthenextdayheshowsupwithagreatbigbouquet.Notveryimpressive.Thekeyistolookforrealandtimelyopportunitiestohavethesepositiveinteractions.Ifpeoplethinkyouareonlydoingitbecauseyoulearneditinaworkshoporbecauseyouwantsomethingfromthem,theywillfeelmanipulated.Chooseanappropriatetimeandalwaysrememberthatifyoucan’tbegenuine,justdon’tbother.

SimpleToolsforRelationshipBuilding

Thereareafewimportantand(mostly)painlesstoolsyoucanemploytostartfillingupyourrelationshipbankaccountsandworkingtowardsthe5:1ratio:

Tool#1:Showappreciation.

Whatis“appreciation,”anyway?Well,herearesomesynonyms:gratitude,recognition,afavorablejudgment,admiration,respect,acknowledgment.Tellpeoplewhatyouappreciateaboutthemandtheirwork.You’llneedtobespecificandabsolutelygenuine,otherwiseyoureffortswillbemeaninglessatbestandseenasamanipulativeployatworst-neitherofwhichwillhelptofillupyourrelationshipbankaccount.

Insteadofthis:

-Youdogreatwork.[Toovague.]

Saythis:

-Whenyoutookthetimetoexplaintheprocesstothoseclients,itreallyputthematease.Youareaterrificcommunicatorandareveryclient-focused.Thankyou.

Donotthinkappreciationappliesonlytoyourstafforcolleagues.Nothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth!Idon’tknowofabosswhocouldn’tusealittleappreciation.IhavefriendswhoareCEOsandVPsandtheyoftentellmehowrarelytheyhearwordsofappreciationfromtheirteams.Ourassumptionisthatpeoplewhoholdtheseesteemedpositionsmustalreadyknowtheyaresmart,capable,funny,etc.sotheyprobablydon’tneedtohearitfromus.Thisis

generallynotatalltrue;weallhaveaverybasicneedtoknowweareappreciated,thatwearedoingagoodjobandthatwearewellliked.

“Thedeepestprincipleinhumannatureisthecravingtobeappreciated.”

-WilliamJames[xxxiii]

Myadvice:giveyourboss,yourtroublesomecoworkeroryourassistantsomeappreciation,eveniftherelationshipisstrained.Youmightbesurprisedathowfaralittlekindnesscango.Anddon’tforgetthepeopleyouareclosestto!Sometimeswejustassumetheyknowhowmuchweappreciatethem,sowedon’tthinktotellthemso.Aclosefriendofmineisasurgeonandeveryyearhepersonallybakesanamazingcarrotcakeforhisassistantonherbirthday.Itisanincrediblythoughtfulthingtodoandisonewaytolethisassistantknowhowmuchhevaluesallshedoesforhim.Expressingyourappreciationdoesnothavetocostathingand,whengenuinelygiven,canmeanaworldofdifferencetotheotherperson.Whenwecansincerelyappreciatethepeopleweworkwith,itvalidateswhattheydoonthejobandpavesthewayforsmoothercommunicationdowntheroad,ifandwhendifficultsituationsarise.

AppreciationEmergency:SidtheStar

IwasteachingaworkshopinwhichIhadafrustratedhumanresourcesmanagerconfideinmethatshewasconcernedherorganizationwasabouttoloseoneofitsstaremployees,Sid.ItallboileddowntoastereotypicalbosswhodidnotshowSidtheStaranyappreciationorgratitude.AllSidwantedwassomeacknowledgementforherhardworkandappreciationforgoingtheextramileforthistoughboss,whohadareputationforgoingthroughemployeeslikeunderwear.

ThefrustratedHRmanagerhadtriedtotellthebosswhatshethoughtwasneeded,buthejustdidn’tgetit.Hehadsaidtoher,“Sidknowsthatsheisdoingagoodjob.Idon’tneedtotellher!WhatamI,hermommy?”IfonlythisbosshadunderstoodthatafewgenuinewordsofappreciationforallofSidtheStar’shardworkanddedicationcouldhavechangedhowthisemployeefeltaboutherjob,itmayhaveensuredthatSidremained“SidtheStar”andnot“Sid,theemployeewhoquitcaringbecausenoonenoticedhowhardsheworked”or“Sid,ourformeremployeewhogotscoopedupbyacompanywhovaluedhermore.”Howcouldthebosshavedonethis?

Insteadofthis:

-Sid,Ijustwantedtoacknowledgeyouandyourwork.[Blah-thisisnotspecificenoughandsoundsinsincere.]

Saythis:

-Sid,IjustwantedtoletyouknowhowmuchIappreciatedyouchangingyourplansthisweekendtotakecareoftheJonesproject.Youdidagreatjobonthereportandsavedmybuttwiththisimportantclient.Thankyou.

Rememberthatbeingspecificwithyourpraiseisbetterbecauseithelpsprovethatyourcommentsandintentionsaregenuine.

So,thisisallwellandgood,butisn’titalittlehardtoimaginebeingthiscomplimentaryandappreciativeifwehaveatroubledrelationshipwithsomeone?Yes,butitisn’timpossible.Itjusttakessomecourageandprobablyalittlebitofpride-swallowing.Despitehowdifficultourrelationshipshavebecome,ifwereallyfocusonwhatwelikeinotherpeopleandwhattheycontributetotheworkplace,wewillsurelyfindpositivethings.Then,oncewehavefoundthosethings,allwehavetodoisletthemknow.

Onegreatwaytobuildabridgeinyourmorestrainedworkplacerelationshipsisto“catch”peopledoingthingsright(versuswaitingintheshadowsforthemtoscrewup).WhenIwasworkingasalawyer,Ihadapoorrelationshipwithmysecretary(youknow,theonewhocalledme“disorganized”andwhomIaccusedofwastingmytime-bigshockerthatwedidn’tgetalong,Iknow).Mostofmyinteractionswithherrevolvedaroundmetellingherwhatshehaddonewrongandhowsheshouldchange.Notsurprisingly,shebecameincreasinglydefensiveandargumentative,accusingmeofinterferingwithherabilitytogetthingsdone.Itreallywasn’tworkingoutwellforeitherofus.

Eventually,outofdesperation,Idecidedtotryadifferenttackandmadeacommitmenttomyselftotryto“catch”herdoingsomethingwellandthenletherknowaboutit.Theresultwasnothingshortofamazing.ShestartedtosoftenherattitudetowardmeandwasmorewillingtodotheworkIgaveher.WhenIstartedtofocusonthepositive,sodidmysecretary.WhenIhadfocusedonthenegativebefore,shedidtoo.Byfocusingonwhatisgoodandworkinginyourrelationshipsinsteadofwhatiswrongandnotworking,youmayactuallybeabletomakesomeofyournegativeissuesdisappear.Thennotonlydoyoubothgetwhatyouwantintheshortterm,butwhenyoudoendupneedingtohaveatoughconversationdowntheroad(whichyouinevitablywill),itshouldbea

wholeloteasier.

Ifyouhaveastrainedworkrelationship,don’ttrytopretendthatyourtoughconversationorunfortunatealtercationnevertookplace;thelongeryoudothat,theworsethingswillget.Instead,thinkabouthowyoucanbuildabridgesothatyoucanhaveafriendly-oratleastcivil-workingrelationship.Youareprobablyinteractingwiththispersonoften,sowhynotdowhatyoucantomakeyourfutureinteractionsmorepleasantandproductive?

HelpfulHint:TheRightTimeforAppreciation

Howdoyouknowwhensomeonereallyneedstohearsomegenuineappreciation?Agoodruleofthumbisthatifyoufindyourselfsingingsomeone’spraisestootherpeople,makesureyoualsotellthepersonwhoreallydeservestohearitmost.

Tool#2:Behumble.

Humilitycanmeanalotofthings,includingthinkingmodestlyaboutouraccomplishments,awillingnesstoexposetheless-than-perfectpartsofourselves,areadinesstolearnfromothersandperhapshavingalaughortwoatourownexpense.Humilitycanstrengthenourrelationshipsbykeepingourdefensesdownandpavingthewayformoreproductiveinteractions.PleasenotethatI’mnottalkingaboutusingfakehumilitytofishforcompliments-Ihavebeenguiltyofthiskindofbehaviorandbelieveme,itisn’tarelationship-builder.Wewanttobehumbleinapositiveway;whenwecanexpressourvulnerability,thatisverypowerful.Ithasaprofoundimpactonhowothersinteractwithus.Humilityhumanizesus,underscoresourcredibilityandopensthelinesofcommunication.

“Swallowyourprideoccasionally-it’snon-fattening!

-FrankTyger[xxxiv]

Myhubby,blesshissoul,hasbeenatestinggroundformuchofmywork.Hehasbeenagoodsportandhastriedoutsomeofmytheoriesbothatworkandathome.Hubbyisasurgeonandhasalargeandbusypracticewithalotof

supportstaff.Hefoundthat,ordinarily,whenhesoughtfeedbackfromhisteamonhowhecouldimprovehismanagementstyle,healwaysreceivedverylittleconstructivefeedback.Atfirst,hetookthistomeanthateverythingmustbegoingswimmingly.Iencouragedhimtolookalittledeeper.So,hetriedanexperiment:

Hecalledanofficemeetingandaskedeveryonetocompletethefollowingsentence:“Youirritatemewhenyou...”Then,heencouragedhisstafftoitemizeallofthethingsmyhubbydidthatirritatedthem.Ittooksomeproddingandencouragementatfirst,butasthemeetingwenton,peoplebecamemoreopenandhonestaboutwhatwasgoingonforthem.Itturnedouttobeaveryeffectiveteam-buildingstrategybecausehubbyrefrainedfromleapingtohisowndefensewhenpeoplesharedtheirfrustrations.Instead,heasked“tellmemore”questionssuchas:

“Ididn’trealizethat.Wouldyoupleaseexplainalittlefurther?”

Helistened.Heclarifiedtheirconcerns.Heacknowledgedwhattheyhadsaidandhowtheyfelt.I’msureyoucanimaginethatthiswasn’teasytodo,especiallywhenthefeedbackgotalittlepersonal.However,hubbyswallowedhisprideandchosetoshuttheduckup.Andwhatwastheresult?Hemadesomechanges,butmoreimportantlyhesentthemessagetohisstaffthathecaredaboutthemandwasopentohearingtheirthoughts.Hadhubbybecomedefensive,however,theexercisewouldhavebackfiredandactuallymadewithdrawalsfromtherelationshipbankaccountbecausehewouldhaveshownthathewasn’tgenuineinbeinghumbleandhearinghisstaff’sconcerns.Ifyoucanmanagetobehumbleandremaingenuinewhilelisteningtootherpeople,you’llbuildtrustinyourrelationshipsbigtime.(Icouldnotbeprouderofthatman!)

Tool#3:Apologizewhenyouneedto.

Admitit:mostofusarereallyterribleatapologizing.Itmakesusuncomfortableandsomehowwebelievedeepdownthatifweapologize,weareunderminingourcredibility.(IfIamnotdescribingyourightnow,giveyourselfabigpatonthebackbecausebeingabletoapologizeproperlyisnosmallfeat!)Nothingcouldbefurtherfromthetruth:agenuineapologycangoalongwayinenhancingworkplacerelationshipsandyourcredibility,too.

“Nobodystandstallerthanthosewillingtostandcorrected.”

-WilliamSafire[xxxv]

Anapologyismuchmorethanuttering,“I’msorry,”especiallywhenyourtoneandbodylanguagesuggestotherwise.Ifyouremembernothingelse,rememberthatahalf-bakedapologydoesmoreharmthannoapologyatall.Ifyoudodecidethatyouneedtoapologize,makesureitissincereandheartfelt.Doesn’ttheotherpersondeservetoknowthatyoumessedupandyouregretit?Whenyoucanmanageasincereapology,tensionscanevaporateandpeopledisarmlikemagic.Hopefully,knowingthepowerofagenuineandmuch-neededapologywillmakeitalittleeasierforyoutodeliverone.

Oneofthebiggestmistakesalmostallofusmakewhenweapologizeisaddingtheword“but”aftertheapology.Sometimesourintentionsaregoodandsometimesourinsidevoiceistheculprit-buteitherwayyoushouldsteerclearof“but.”

Insteadofthis:

-IamsorrythatIaskedyouifyouwereevergoingtostoptalkinginfrontofeveryone,butyouweregoingonandonandonandpeoplewerelosinginterest.Ireallywasjusttryingtobehelpful.

Saythis:

-IamsorryIaskedyouifyouwereevergoingtostoptalkinginfrontofourteam.IwasrudeandIcanunderstandwhyyouwouldbeupset.

Whenyouusetheword“but,”younegateyourapologyandthereforehavenotactuallyapologizedatall.Skipthe“but;”ifyouaresorry,youaresorry.Thereisnoneedtorationalizewhyyoudidwhatyouclaimtoregret.

Herearesomeothernon-apologiesthatdomoreharmthangoodandcertainlydonotservetoenhancetherelationship:

-I’msorryyoufeelthatway.

-I’msorryyoutookitthatway.

-I’msorryyou’reangry.

Whenyouaddtheword“you”afteryour“I’msorry,”youdiscredityour

apologybecauseyouareessentiallycommunicatingthatyouarenotactuallysorryforwhatyousaidordid,youonlywishthattheotherpersondidn’ttakeitsopersonallyorgetsoupset-andthatsendsthemessagethatyouthinktheotherpersonisoverreacting,whichcanonlyleadtodefensivereactions.Notgood.Justputyourselfintheotherperson’sshoesandaskyourselfwhatyourinsidevoicewouldbesayingifsomebodyapologizedtoyouinthisway.Ihavebeenonthereceivingendofeachofthesekindsofnon-apologies(asI’msureyouhave,aswell);alltheydoismakememoreupset!Farbettertoshuttheduckupthantoutteralamenon-apologylikeoneofthese.

Apologiesreallyfallflatwhentheyare:

-Insincere.Ifyouonlyapologizetotrytodiffuseasituationorappeasesomeonewhohasdemandedanapology,youwillnotcomeacrossasgenuineandyoumayactuallycausemoredamagetotherelationship.

-Notbackedup.Ifthereisnoeffortonyourparttomakethingsrightorchangethingsgoingforward,youenduphavingtoapologizerepeatedlyforthesamebehavior,whichmakesyourapologieshollowandmeaningless.

-Unspecific.Ifyousay,“I’msorry,”butdon’t(or,worse,can’t)saywhy,otherpeoplewillknowrightawaythatyourapologyisphonyandmaystarttothinklessofyouforattemptingtofoolthemwithafake“I’msorry.”

Okay,soweknowwhatdoesn’tworkwhenitcomestoapologizing.Let’stalkaboutthenutsandboltsofwhatdoeswork.Agoodapologyhasthreecomponentstoit:

-Ownuptowhatyouhavesaidordone.Ifyoucalledsomeone“difficult,”youmightjustwanttosay,“IamsorryIcalledyou‘difficult.’Itwasunkindofme.”

-Ownuptohowtheotherpersonisaffectedbywhatyouhavesaidordonewithoutexcuses,suchas:“Icanunderstandwhythatwouldbotheryou.”

-Makeacommitment,eithertotheotherpersonortoyourself,forthingstobedifferentinthefuture.Fortheapologytobesincereyouhavetochangeyourbehaviorgoingforward.If,fiveminutesaftertheapology,yourepeatthebehavior,thenyourapologyismeaningless.

It’salsoessentialthatyouonlyapologizeifyoutrulymeanit.Ifyoudon’tmeanit,don’tapologize.Rememberthatthegoalhereistofosterbetterworkplacerelationshipsbyshowingappreciationandbeinggenuine-andnothingislessappreciativeormoredisingenuousthananinsincereapology.

“Itiseasiertoeatcrowwhileit’sstillwarm.”

-DanHeist[xxxvi]

Whenyoudiscoverthatyouhavemadeamistake,thebestthingtodoistomakeamendsASAP.Idon’twanttoimplythatalateapologyisworsethannoapology,becausethatcertainlyisn’ttrue,butapologiesdotypicallyneedtobetimelyinordertohavethemostimpact.Justlikewithtoughtalks(andformanyofus,apologiesdefinitelyqualifyastoughtalks),thecloseryoucanrespondtotheactinquestion,themoreeffectivethatresponsewillbe.

Herearesomeexamplesofgreatapologiestogetyoustarted:

-I’msorryIcalledyou“delusional.”Thatwasarudethingtosay.Itwon’thappenagain.

-Iapologizeformytoneduringourconversation.Irealizethatitmadeitdifficultforyoutocommunicatewithme.

-Iapologizeformakingthe“princess”commentinthemeeting.Icanunderstandwhyyouwereupset.[Thenyouinwardlycommittokeepingyoursnarkyjabstoyourself.]

-I’msorryIyelledatyouformessingupthefigures.NotonlydidIbehaverudely,Iwaswrong.InthefutureIwilltryhardertocontrolmytemper.

-I’msorryforsayingyouwerewastingtimeandtellingyoutouseyourcommonsense.Thatwasaninappropriatewaytoexpressmyconcerns.

TopToolstoRecall:BuildingRelationships

-Adoptthe5:1rule-fivepositiveinteractionsforeveryonenegativeinteraction.Buildupthoserelationshipbankaccounts!-Showappreciation,behumbleandapologizewhenyouneedto.

-Begenuine.Always,always,alwaysbegenuine.-Neverstoptrying…eveniftheyaredefensiveorsuspiciousofyourintentions.Perseverancepaysoff!

Canyouhearthecheersandfanfare?Greatjob!Youhavelearnedeverythingyouneedtoknowtototallytransformyourdifficultconversationsintheworkplace.Ihopeyouareveryproudofyourself-youhavejustaccomplishedsomethingthatalotofpeopleavoidfortheirentirelives!

Now,allyouhavetodoisputyournewfoundskillsintopracticeoutintherealworld.Don’tworryifyouaren’tperfectatityet.Weallmessup(IknowIdo,frequently!).Thepointisthatyouaretrying-andpracticemakesperfect!

“Thereismorehungerforloveandappreciationintheworldthanthereisforbread.”

-MotherTeresa

Rememberthatallofusstrivetofulfillourbasichumanneedstobeheard,tobeappreciatedandtoberespected.Whenyouhavethatwisdomtuckedinyourbackpocket,youcantakeitconfidentlyintotheworkplaceanduseittocreatesomeseriouslyproductiveconversations.Preparetoamazeyourselfwithwhatyoucanaccomplishsimplybycommunicating,listeningandrespondingwithoutjudgment.Awholenewworldofsmootherrelationshipsandpleasantworkingenvironmentsawait!

Bestoflucktoyou!

YourElephantintheOffice“CheatSheet”

-Beprepared.Cooldownandfocusonthefacts,thencraftyourABCmessage:accurate,briefandclear.

-Becurious.Youcan’tchangewhatyoudon’tknowandneithercanothers.Listenattentivelyandletgoofbeing“right.”Expecttolearnsomethingnew.

-Bedirect.Peoplewouldratherhearthetruthevenifithurts.Nospinning.

-Beneutral.Noblameor“hot,”judgmentallanguage.Avoidreactingtodefensiveness.Thisisn’tpersonal.

-Bebrief.Don’toverwhelmpeoplewithtoomuchinformation.Sticktoyourgoal.

-Beproud.Choosenottoget“hooked”evenwhenprovoked.Itpaystotakethehighroad.

-Bepatient.Gratificationisseldominstant.Watchthefruitsofyourlaborunfoldbeforeyou.

-Beproactive.Don’twaitforissuestocropup.Fosterpositiveworkingrelationshipsbyapologizingwhennecessaryandshowinggenuineappreciation.

Acknowledgments

IfirstwanttothankScottieWright:Becauseofyouthisbookhasbeenwritten.Youchangedmylifeforeverandstartedmeonajourneyofawarenessandself-discovery.Yourdifficultconversationswithmewereamodelforhowthingscouldbedoneandtheyhaveinspiredmetobetheverybest“me”possible.Youhavegivenmetheopportunitytofindmypassionandshareitwithothers.

ToJacquieHowardson:Youhavebeenwithmethroughoutthisride...namechanges,conceptchanges,storychangesandalltheotherchanges!Youwrote,re-wroteandre-wroteagainandyoumademelaughasyou“spicedup”mystories.

ToKathrynCalhounatwww.wickedcopy.ca:Trulythisbookwouldneverhavebeencompletedwithoutyourbrilliantwritingandediting.Youbroughtafreshperspectiveandyoutruly“get”whatI’mtryingtodo.Youshowedmehowtomakemypersonalitycomethroughonthepagesothiscouldbeabookthatisinvitingandapproachable.Yourock!

Tomymuch-lovedgroupofsupportiveandcaringfriends(youknowwhoyouare):Icountonyoutokeepmegoing,makemelaughandkeepmesane.IknowIcanalwayscountonyoursupport,yourwisdomandthegiftyougivemeofshowingmemybestself.

TomysisterCathyManson:Thisprojectwouldneverhavebeencompletedwithoutyou.Youtookcareofmundanedetails,stayeduphalfthenightwritingandre-writingandkickedmeinthebuttwhenIwasreadytoquit.YouwereoneofmyearliestandmostdifficultconversationsandIwillbeforevergratefulthatyouwereopenandwilling.Youshowedmethattrulyoneconversationcantotallytransformarelationship.Youcanreadmymind(whichisnosmallfeat)andIknowyouareoneofmygreatestcheerleaders.

Mybiggestthankyouisformyfamily:TomysonsRobertandJameswhohaveenduredmymanyabsences,myhidingoutintheofficeandlivingthroughthedramainvolvedinwritingthisbook.TomyhusbandBill:youhavegivenmeyourunconditionalsupporttoworkonthisprojectwithoutexpectationsofmybusiness.YouallowedyourselftobeaguineapigasIlearnedwhatIneededtolearnandyougraciouslyallowedmeto“feature”youinmanyofmystories.YoursupportasIchasemydreammeanstheworldtome.Thankyou.

RecommendedReading

Belowisalistofmyfavoritebooks.Thesearefabulousreadsthathaveallinspiredand/ortaughtmeinonewayortheother.Irecommendyoureadthemall!

Stone,Douglas.Patton,Bruce.Heen,Sheila.DifficultConversations.NewYork:PenguinBooks,2010.

Ury,William.ThePowerofaPositiveNo.NewYork:BantamDell,2007.

Fisher,Roger.Ury,William.Patton,Bruce.GettingtoYes.NewYork:PenguinBooks,1991.

Fisher,Roger.Shapiro,Daniel.BeyondReason.NewYork:PenguinBooks,2006.

Scott,Susan.FierceConversations.NewYork:BerkleyBooks,2002.

Patterson,Kerry.etal.CrucialConversations.NewYork:McGrawHill,2002.

Issacs,William.Dialogue:TheArtofThinkingTogether.NewYork:Doubleday,1999.

Tarvis,Carol.Aronson,Elliot.MistakesWereMade(ButNotbyMe).Orlando:HarcourtInc.,2007.

StrandEllison,Sharon.TakingtheWarOutofOurWords.Oregon,Wyatt-MacKenziePublishingInc.,2009.

Crane,ThomasG.TheHeartofCoaching.SanDiego,FTAPress,2002

http://www.dianeaross.com/members

CopyrightNotice

©ElephantConversationsLtd.

www.dianeaross.com

www.elephantconversations.comPublishedbyElephantConversationsLtd.

THEELEPHANTINTHEOFFICE:Super-SimpleStrategiesforDifficultConversationsatWork.Allrightsreserved.Thisbookmaynotbereproducedinwholeorinpart,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopying,recording,orbyanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystem,withoutwrittenpermissionfromtheauthor.

Editorialservices:KathrynCalhoun,www.WickedCopy.caIllustrations:NelsonDewey,www.NelsonDewey.comISBN978-0-9918113-1-1

Endnotes

[i]CheckouttheprogramsatHarvardLawSchool:www.pon.harvard.edu

[ii]ZigZiglarwasawell-knownmotivationalspeakerandauthorwhomwe’ve

quotedafewtimesthroughoutthisbook!Checkouthiswebsiteatwww.ziglar.com.

[iii]Quoteisderivedfrom:Steakley,John.Armor.NewYork,DawBooks,1984.

[iv]Brazilianlosesmorethanhearing:BBCNews,WorldEdition(August20,

2003).http://news.bbc.co.uk/w/healthy/3169049.stn

[v]AnthonyJ.D’AngeloistheauthorofRichGrad,PoorGrad.Youcanfind

outmoreabouthisworkathttp://www.collegiate-empowerment.org

[vi]RichardPascaleisabusinessconsultant,scholarandthebestsellingauthor

ofThePowerofPositiveDeviance:HowUnlikelyInnovatorsSolvetheWorld’sToughestProblems.

[vii]MartinaNavritalovaisafamoustennisplayerandtheauthorofseveral

books.Checkoutherwebsiteat:www.martinanavritalova.com

[viii]Alda.Alan.ThingsIOverheardWhileTalkingtoMyself.NewYork.

RandomHouse,2007(Kindleversion).RetrievedfromAmazon.com(lines250-253).

[ix]SeeKathy’sawesome,oft-quotedwordsat

http://running.about.com/od/runninghumor/tp/goalsettingquotes.01.htm

[x]FitzhughDodson(1923-1993)wasaworld-famouspsychologist,lecturerand

author.HewrotemanybooksincludingTheArtofBeingaParent.

[xi]FranklinP.JoneswasaPhiladelphiareporterbestknownforwritinghuge

numbersofoften-quotedhumorousandinsightfulanecdotesandsayingsthroughouthiscareer.

[xii]H.JacksonBrownJr.isthebestsellingauthorofLife’sLittleInstruction

Book,VolumesI,II,III.Nashville:ThomasNelson(KindleVersion).RetrievedfromAmazon.com.

[xiii]DavidLivingstone(1813-1873,of“Dr.Livingstone,Ipresume?”fame)

wasaScottishmissionarywhobecamefamousforhisexplorationsinAfrica.

[xiv]Ihaveseenthisformulareferredtoinmanybooksandusedbymany

consultants.Idonotknowtheoriginalauthorororiginofthisformula.

[xv]FrançoisFénelon(1651-1715)wasaFrenchwriterandRomanCatholic

Archbishop.

[xvi]NormanCousins(1915-1990)wasanAmericanpoliticalwriterwhowas

wellknownforhispeaceadvocacy,forwhichhewonseveralawards.

[xvii]listening.Merriam-Webster.com(2012).http://Merriam-Webster.com

(accessed:October26,2012).

[xviii]BenjaminDisraeli(1804-1881)dedicatedoverhalfofhislifeto

government;heservedasBritishPrimeMinistertwiceoverandwasalsooneofthemosteminentnovelistsofhistime.

[xix]defensiveness.Dictionary.comCollinsEnglishDictionary-Complete&

unabridged10thEdition.HarperCollinsPublishers.http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/defensiveness(accessedOctober26,2012).

[xx]Tamm,JamesW.Luyet,Ronald.RadicalCollaboration.NewYork:Harper,

2004p.28.

[xxi]JoneJohnsonLewis.“RitaMaeBrownQuotes”AboutWomen’sHistory.

http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/rita_mae_brown.htm(accessedOct26,2012).

[xxii]Seinfeld.“TheOpposite.”Episode#86.Originallyaired:Mary19,1994.

Checkitoutforagiggle!

[xxiii]ThichNhatHanhisaBuddhistmonk,author,poetandpeaceactivist.

Checkouthiswebsite:http://www.plumvillage.org/thich-nhat-hanh.html

[xxiv]“ToolstoStayCool”isinspiredbywhatIlearnedfromWilliamUryin

hisfantasticbook,ThePowerofaPositiveNo.NewYork:BantamDell,2007.

[xxv]KingmanBrewster,Jr.(1919-1988)wasanAmericanscholar,educator

anddiplomatwhoisbestknownforhiscontroversialleadershipduringhistermasPresidentofYaleUniversityinthe1960sand1970s.

[xxvi]JohnMarshall(1755-1835)wasthefourthChiefJusticeoftheSupreme

CourtoftheUnitedStates.Asthelongest-everservingChiefJustice,heplayedanimportantroleinthedevelopmentofthemodernAmericanlegalsystem.

[xxvii]Tamm,JamesW.Luyet,Ronald.RadicalCollaboration.NewYork:

Harper,2004p.28.

[xxviii]Crowley,Katherine.Elster,Kathi.WorkingWithYouIsKillingMe.New

York:WarnerBusinessBooks,2006.Thisisagreatbookandyoumaywanttobuyitforyourself-justbecarefulaboutgivingittoyournemesis!

[xxix]DorothyNevill(1826-1913)wasanotedwriterandconversationalistwho

pennedseveralmemoirs.

[xxx]Gottman,J.M.WhatPredictsDivorce?Therelationshipbetweenmarital

processesandmaritaloutcomes.Hillside,N.J.LawrenceErlbaum,1994.YoucancheckoutJohnGottmaninactionathttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw9SE315GtA

[xxxi]Losada,M.&HeaphyE.(2004)Theroleofpositivityandconnectivityin

theperformanceofbusinessteams:Anonlineardynamicsmodel.AmericanBehavioralScientist,47(6),740-765.

[xxxii]Alsocheckout:Crane,ThomasG.TheHeartofCoaching.SanDiego:

FTAPress,2002p.166.Hetalksabouttheimportanceofprovidingsignificantlymoresupportiveandappreciativefeedbackthanyoudosuggestionsforchange.Hisratiois80%positive,reinforcingfeedbackand20%constructiveideasforchange.

[xxxiii]WilliamJames(1842-1910)wasanAmericanphysicianandphilosopher

whoisconsideredtobethefoundingfatherofthescienceofpsychologyintheUnitedStates.

[xxxiv]FrankTyger(1929-2011)wasafamousAmericaneditorialcartoonist

andhumoristfortheTrentonTimesinNewJersey.

[xxxv]WilliamSafire(1929-2009)wasaPulitzerPrize-winningwriterwhowas

apoliticalcolumnistfortheNewYorkTimesaswellasapresidentialspeechwriter.

[xxxvi]GetmorepearlsofwisdomfromDanHeistat

http://www.searchquotes.com/quotes/author/Dan_Heist/