THE EFFECTIVE PARENTING PLAN€¦ · THE EFFECTIVE PARENTING PLAN Maureen McConaghy Contents Page Preface: A plan for parenting effectively 1 1. I choose my battles wisely. 3 2. I

THE

EFFECTIVE

PARENTING

PLAN

Nine Steps for Meeting the

Day-to-Day Challenges of Parenting

Maureen McConaghy, M.S.

Marriage and Family Therapist, MFC 36412 www.EffectiveSolutions.us.comg

(714) 381-7256

THE EFFECTIVE PARENTING PLAN Maureen McConaghy


THE EFFECTIVE PARENTING PLAN: Nine Steps for Meeting the

Day-to-Day Challenges of Parenting

Parents want to help their children grow up to be physically healthy, emotionally well-balanced, contributing members of society –

and would prefer to stay healthy and sane themselves during the process!

Here is a nine-part plan that can guide parents through the day-to-day challenges and uncertainty of parenting,

and show them ways to be both loving and effective.

MAUREEN MCCONAGHY, M.S., is a Marriage and Family Therapist with a practice in Orange County, California. She also has a Ph.D. in

Sociology, and previously worked as a professor, researcher, and writer. She specializes in helping families, couples, and individuals

find effective solutions to their problems.



THE EFFECTIVE PARENTING PLAN

STEP ONE I choose my battles wisely.

STEP TWO I request cooperation thoughtfully.

STEP THREE I listen to my child actively.

STEP FOUR I negotiate reasonably.

STEP FIVE I follow through consistently.

STEP SIX I give consequences logically.

STEP SEVEN I solve problems creatively.

STEP EIGHT I love my child unconditionally.

STEP NINE I forgive myself for not being perfect.



Contents Page Preface: A plan for parenting effectively 1 1. I choose my battles wisely. 3 2. I request cooperation thoughtfully. 5 3. I listen to my child actively. 7 4. I negotiate reasonably. 8 5. I follow through consistently. 9 6. I give consequences logically. 11 7. I solve problems creatively. 13 8. I love my child unconditionally. 16 9. I forgive myself for not being perfect. 18 Further Reading 19



1

PREFACE: A PLAN FOR PARENTING EFFECTIVELY

Parents who are effective know that their job is not easy or simple. They carefully choose a set of strategies that will help them achieve their parenting goals. While the details of parents’ goals vary from family to family, most parents want to raise their child to be a physically healthy, emotionally well-balanced, contributing member of society. In every interaction with the child, a parent has to balance these long term goals against the needs of the moment–not an easy thing to do. Parents would also prefer to stay healthy and sane themselves during the parenting years. Here is a nine-part plan for effectively meeting the challenges of day-to-day parenting. STEP ONE: I choose my battles wisely. Like every parent, I have limited time and energy. And my child, like most children, is not an angel. Therefore, I need to choose when and where to apply most of my efforts. STEP TWO: I request cooperation thoughtfully. Every child is unique and changeable, so no one else can tell me exactly what will be the most effective means of gaining cooperation from my child at a particular moment. I need to be flexible in trying different approaches, and to be a good observer of what works or doesn’t work. STEP THREE: I listen to my child actively. Listening well helps me understand my child’s perspective, and also makes it more likely that my child will listen to me. STEP FOUR: I negotiate reasonably. Children are not robots, but small people with their own thoughts and desires. Finding solutions that work for everyone will make life together much more pleasant. STEP FIVE: I follow through consistently. Children need parents to set limits (because children are not good at self-control). I will set limits only when I able and willing to enforce the rules. STEP SIX: I give consequences logically. Effective parents expect children to be less than perfect. When misbehavior occurs, I will help my child learn and improve by applying consequences that “fit the crime.”



2 STEP SEVEN: I solve problems creatively. I know that sometimes a parent needs to try many different approaches before finding a successful solution to a problem. STEP EIGHT: I love my child unconditionally. Effective parents know that their child is just a child, not an enemy or an evil person. Children make mistakes, express anger inappropriately, and resist control. Instead of taking such behavior personally, I will take it in my stride and love my child anyway. STEP NINE: I forgive myself for not being perfect. Parents also at times make mistakes, express anger inappropriately, and resist controlling themselves. The old joke says a synonym for parent is “failure,” but everyone fails at being perfect. I will apologize and make amends for my mistakes. Then I’ll forgive myself and just keep doing the best I can.



3

STEP ONE: I choose my battles wisely.

Like every parent, I have limited time and energy. And my child, like most children, is not an angel. Therefore, I need to choose when and where to apply most of my efforts. In deciding which of my child’s behaviors to try to change, I need to consider four issues: 1. Do I know that changing the behavior would NOT be detrimental to my child’s development

or physical/emotional health? Answering this question requires a basic understanding of children’s needs and development. If you have such an understanding, you will recognize the following “battles” (all of which have been attempted by some parents) as potentially harmful: training an infant not to cry; training a toddler not to touch anything without permission; training a boy not to cry when hurt; training a girl not to be physically active; preventing an older child from spending time with age peers. 2. Do I know that the METHOD that must be used to change the behavior is not itself potentially

harmful to the child? For example, preventing a small child from making a mess would require not letting that child have access to toys. But playing with manipulatives of some kind is essential to a child’s development. 3. After considering all relevant issues carefully, how strongly am I opposed to the behavior? Obviously, when major health or safety issues are involved, I must take action to prevent or change the behavior regardless of the difficulty of doing so. But with other behaviors, it is helpful to identify the ones that most bother me vs. the ones I can live with for now, so that I can triage my efforts. 4. How easy is it going to be to get the behavior to change? In other words, how much of my

time, effort, and supervision is going to be required? It is important to remember that a child is by definition someone who is going to need years to outgrow childish behaviors and become a responsible adult. The truth is that if I want my child to behave in an abnormally mature fashion, then I am going to have to supervise intensively. Studies show that many of the behaviors most commonly complained about by parents of 4-year olds are still complained about by parents of 13-year olds. For example: ignores what I say, talks back, has trouble going to bed, doesn’t clean room, teases, doesn’t do chores, calls people names, dawdles, tattles, hits.



4 Assuming I know that changing the behavior would not be harmful, and that I will not use harmful methods, I am left with this question: Am I so strongly opposed to this behavior that I am willing to put out the time and effort (and consistency) required to change it? I may find that some behaviors change readily, or that I can easily alter the environment so that the behaviors do not occur. I may also find that with some behaviors it is easier to change my opinion than to change my child. After all, in less than 20 years my child won’t even be a child any longer!



5

EFFECTIVE PARENTING, STEP TWO:

I request cooperation thoughtfully.

Every child is unique and changeable, so no one can tell me exactly what will be the most effective means of gaining cooperation from my child at a particular moment. I need to be willing to try different approaches, and to be a good observer of what works or doesn’t work. Step One of the Effective Parenting Plan is to carefully “choose my battles”–behaviors I would like to see less of (such as whining) or more of (such as doing chores). Once I have chosen such a behavior, a good starting point is spending a week or more noting down how often it occurs and in what situations. With this information, I will be able to choose an appropriate strategy for gaining my child’s cooperation, such as one of the following methods. 1. Alter the environment. *Remove an object or person. If my toddler is fascinated by a fragile object on the coffee table,

I can move it to the top of the bookcase. If my seven-year old always fights with a certain playmate, I can postpone playdates with that child.

*Change the schedule. For example, a brief playtime after school might make it easier for my

child to settle down to homework. *Rearrange the furniture. Changing where children sit at dinner might actually improve their

behavior. *Change the mood with music. I can play energetic music when it is time to do chores, or

calming music before bed. *Give my child an object. Perhaps a new stuffed animal will help with the transition to a new

bed; perhaps a pencil box will help with the transitions to homework. *Stop paying attention. I can ignore behavior that is not harming anyone, and pay more attention

to the child when that misbehavior is not occurring. 2. Change the way I ask for cooperation. *Make charts and hang them on the wall. For example, a Getting Ready for Bed chart can list the

steps that need to be completed. *Write checklists instead of giving verbal orders. I can hand my child a note that says something

like “Sweetheart, please let me know when you’ve completed these tasks:_ empty dishwasher, _ clean your sink...”

*Ham it up. I can sing it instead of say it, or even rap it out while I dance!



6 3. Give reasons (unless I’m sure my child already knows the reasons). *Express my emotions about the situation, and why I feel that way. (Note that expressing anger is

almost never effective in gaining cooperation. Instead, I can express the emotion that underlies the anger, such as worry or sadness or frustration.)

*Explain logically why the behavior change is needed. “If you don’t wear your retainer every

night, soon the retainer won’t fit anymore, and it will cost hundreds of dollars to have a new one made.”

*Point out how the behavior change will benefit my child. “If you get your home work done

tonight, then you won’t have to miss recess tomorrow at school.” 4. Be flexible, when it makes sense. *Find an acceptable substitute behavior. For example, if my child writes on the walls, I can tape

large sheets of butcher paper to the walls, and remind my child that we only write on paper.*Contract to pay my child for certain non-necessary behaviors. For example, “When I pick you up from daycare, I will give you a sticker. If you want to cry when I pick you up it’s ok, but if you don’t cry I will give you TWO stickers, because then it’s more fun for Mommy.”

*Encourage or schedule the problem behavior. A little reverse psychology sometimes helps, such

as encouraging a child with a tantruming issue to have a tantrum in the backyard every day at 4:00.

*Negotiate with my child. This strategy is covered in Step Four. Whatever method I use for attempting to engage my child’s cooperation, it is important to observe the child’s response carefully. I may learn that my child is not yet actually able to change the behavior. I may come to understand that there is an underlying problem. I may learn that my child is “allergic” to the particular method I tried. In any case, I will probably find that an approach only works well for a while, and then must be replaced with another. If I keep being creative, I will continue to be able to engage my child’s cooperation.



7

STEP THREE:

I listen to my child actively.

Listening actively will help me understand my child’s perspective, and also will make it more likely that my child will listen to me. Let’s say I have chosen my battles wisely (Step One), and I have requested cooperation thoughtfully (Step Two). In the best of all imaginable worlds, I would now be able to step back and watch my child cooperate–and sometimes I will have that pleasure. It’s more likely, however, that my child will object, or complain, or even say “No!” Listening is “active” when it is not just a matter of using my ears. When I am listening actively, I am trying my best to understand what my child is experiencing, thinking, and feeling. I then express back to my child what I think I understand, to check whether I am on target. Guidelines for Active Listening: *Don’t try to listen actively if you have other things going on at the same time, or if you are tired or angry.

*Make eye contact with the speaker. *Postpone figuring out how you will respond or solve the problem. *Really try to understand what the speaker is trying to express, and why they feel the way they do.

*Make “encouraging noises”: Uh huh, oh, wow, I see, etc. *Periodically express what you think they mean, in a tentative fashion: “So, you’re upset because you don’t want to stop what you’re doing?” or “Sounds like you wish it could be different.”

*Don’t just repeat what the speaker said; try to put the pieces together, including any emotions they seem to be having.

*Let your tone of voice match the strength of their emotion, e.g., “You sound annoyed” when they do, but “Boy, you’re ANGRY!” when they are.

*Be sure that your summary of what they have said is to their satisfaction. *Let the speaker keep speaking, and keep active listening until they have said all they seem to need to say on the subject; or, agree to a time for the exchange to continue later.

Once I have a really good understanding of my child’s perspective, I will have a better idea of how to go about gaining cooperation. At the same time, once my child feels really understood, s/he may be more willing to listen to my side and more willing to cooperate.



8

EFFECTIVE PARENTING, STEP FOUR: I negotiate reasonably.

Children are not robots, but small people with their own thoughts and desires. Finding solutions that work for everyone will make life together much more pleasant. Let’s suppose I carefully “choose my battle” (Step One), thoughtfully request cooperation (Step Two), and actively listen to my child’s perspective (Step Three). At this point I may well find that my child, who is now feeling truly “heard,” complies with my request. On the other hand, with my new understanding of my child’s perspective, I may now be willing to withdraw my request. The third possible outcome is that I still strongly want my child to do something that my child still strongly wants not to do. This is the time to consider negotiating. Not everything is negotiable, of course, but most things are at least somewhat adjustable. For example, going to school (for a healthy child) is usually not negotiable, but how early to arrive or how to get there might be. If I find myself almost never willing to flex on my requests, it might be that I am being too rigid. For example, it is generally unreasonable to require that a girl wear dresses, or to demand that a child always do homework immediately after school, or to expect a child to eat everything on their plate. In order to negotiate, I need to first ask myself if there is any way I can alter my request in order to make it more acceptable to my child (but still acceptable to me). Some possible alterations include WHEN (if not now, “How many minutes until you will do it?”), WHERE (if not here, “Would you rather do your homework at the library?”), HOW (if not in the dark, “Let’s try a night light”), WHAT (if not the assigned chore, “Well, what would you rather do instead, to help out the family?”), and WHO (if not by yourself, “Would you like me to help you?”). If the alterations I suggest are not enough to make the request acceptable to my child, it’s time to ask my child for ideas: “I need you to clean your room before Saturday, because we have company coming. What needs to happen so that you can get that done?” If my child complains that a chore is “not fair” or “too hard,” we can discuss ways to make things seem more fair or more manageable. If the best “deal” I can offer my child is not good enough for them (and if I have actually carefully followed the Effective Parenting steps to this point), then it is time to insist on the required behavior. When I do so, I must be prepared to follow through, as discussed in the remaining steps of the Effective Parenting plan. It is not my goal as a parent to gain blind obedience. I want to find ways to meet both my needs and the needs of my child; one thing we both need is for my child make progress toward becoming a competent adult. Negotiating with my child helps us meet our needs and also helps my child learn the important adult traits of assertiveness, cooperation, and responsibility.



9

EFFECTIVE PARENTING, STEP FIVE:

I follow through consistently.

Children need parents to set limits (because children are not good at self-control). I will set limits only when I am able and willing to enforce the rules. At this point in following the Effective Parenting Plan, I have chosen my battle wisely, requested cooperation thoughtfully, listened to my child actively, and negotiated reasonably, but my child is still not complying with my request. As part of Step One, I previously decided that enforcing this request not only is safe for my child, but is realistic in terms of whether the change is possible and how much time and energy I am willing to devote to the cause. Now I will find out how wise my decision was! In using Follow-Through, my purpose still is to gain compliance to the request. (If this step does not result in compliance, the next step, giving logical consequences, has the purpose of making compliance more likely in the future.) It is important to know what actions are NOT Follow-Through. Yelling is not Follow-Through; yelling just teaches my child not to pay attention when I speak in a calm voice. Threatening is not Follow-Through; threatening just teaches my child fear (if I usually do what I threaten) or teaches my child not to listen (if I usually don’t do what I threaten). Punishment is not Follow-Through (and that includes time-out, when time-out is used as a punishment); punishment just teaches my child that s/he is bad, and that it is important not to get caught. Repeating the request more than twice is not Follow-Through; repeating the request just teaches my child that compliance is not necessary until after the fourth (or fortieth) request. College Introductory Psychology students used to be assigned to train a chicken to peck for a pellet, then to peck twice for a pellet, then three and four times, etc., until they got the chicken to peck 100 times for a single pellet. How many times do I have to ask, in order to get my child to mind me? Is my child training me like a chicken? Here is what Follow-Through is: active, calm, patient, persistent, focused intervention aimed at getting my child to comply with my request. In the following examples, assume the parent speaks calmly and kindly: First request: “The TV needs to go off in ten minutes.” Second request ten minutes later: “The TV needs to go off now.” (If no compliance:) Follow-Through: Parent stands between child and TV and waits for child to turn off TV; if necessary, parent turns off TV.



10 First request: “Please take out the trash before dinner.” Second request: “You can eat after you take out the trash.” (If no compliance:) Follow-Through: Parent does not serve food until the trash goes out. First request: “Can you share the toy?” Second request: “If you two are going to keep fighting over the toy, I will have to put it away for now.” (If no compliance:) Follow-Through: Parent puts toy away for a while. First request: “Please stop screaming.” Second request: “If you want to scream you can do it in your room.” (If no compliance:) Follow-Through: Parent gently leads child to room. First request: “Please pick up your toys so I can vacuum.” Second request: “The ‘Dreaded Box’ is coming through in five minutes!” (If no compliance:) Follow-Through: Parent goes in with box, making monster noises as child hurries to pick up toys; any toys left on floor go in box, which goes in cupboard for a day. First request: “Please walk.” Second request: “You can’t run in the store.” (If no compliance:) Follow-Through: Parent puts child in shopping cart seat, or leaves with child. First request: “No calls or texting after 10:00.” Second request: “It’s 10:10 and you’re on the phone. Please give it to me.” (If no compliance:) Follow-Through: Parent stands with hand out until child hands over the phone. In a particular situation I may find that Follow-Through is not as doable as I had hoped. For example, I may be in a rush or distracted by other responsibilities, or even out of the house when the desired behavior is supposed to occur. If so, in planning what to do next I may need to go back to Step One and reassess my battles, or proceed to Step Six (logical consequences) or Step Seven (creative problem solving). If I decide at some point NOT to Follow-Through on a request I have made, it is best to openly state that I have changed my mind, and why. Best of all, of course, is not to make requests or rules unless I WILL Follow-Through.



11

EFFECTIVE PARENTING, STEP SIX: I give consequences logically.

Effective parents expect children to be less than perfect. When misbehavior occurs, I will help my child learn and improve by applying consequences that “fit the crime.” Following through when my child does not immediately comply with my requests will often lead to compliance. If not, or if circumstances make effective follow through impossible, my next strategy will be imposing “logical consequences.” It is important to understand what logical consequences are NOT. First, logical consequences are not “natural consequences,” which are what would happen to children if there were no adults around to protect and teach them. If a child wasn’t made to wash hands before eating, the child might get sick; if a child was allowed to run into the street, the child would probably get run over. For the most part, children–especially young children–need to be protected from natural consequences. With older children, some natural consequences may be appropriate. If the teen refuses to wear his jacket, the teen may get rained on; if the teen forgets her lunch, the teen may have to spend allowance money on food. Second, logical consequences are not illogical; illogical consequences seem unfair, because they are a) unrelated to the offense and/or b) excessive in severity or duration. Imagine that a boss came to an employee one day and said, “Since you were late three times this month, you will not be allowed to go to the office party.” Wouldn’t it be a more appropriate consequence if the employee was told to come in early on three days to make up the time? Similarly illogical consequences for a child are “You didn’t do your chores this week, so you can’t go to your best friend's birthday party.” “Your grades are bad, so you’re grounded.” “You left the tools outside, so no TV for a month,” “You spilled milk, so you have to mop the entire kitchen.” Third, logical consequences are not punishment. (And they are not delivered with an angry tone, which would make them sound like punishment.) Punishment tells the child two things: “You did something bad,” and “You are bad.” Punishment also reinforces the young child’s tendency to believe that behavior is wrong only if you get caught. Punishment teaches the child that what matters in life is power, not responsibility and teamwork. Ironically, rewards (which are also used to control behavior) can be harmful as well. The book Punished by Rewards, by Alfie Kohn, reports on research which showed that rewards (such as candy) decrease the value to the child of the behavior being rewarded (such as reading) and increase the value to the child of the object given as a reward. To give candy as a reward for reading is to teach kids to enjoy reading less and love candy more.



12 Logical consequences are * related to the offense, * reasonable in severity and duration, * age appropriate (i.e., not used if the child is too young to learn the desired behavior), * not harmful physically or emotionally, * limited to situations where consequences can be enforced, and * delivered in a tone of firmness mixed with love and respect. Logical consequences ideally make it temporarily impossible for the child to repeat the infraction (as by putting away a toy that was being used improperly, or by not letting a child play video games until homework is done). However, it is important that the logical consequence not be something that means the parent has to pay an increased amount of attention to the child, because even negative attention is rewarding to a child. In order to devise an effective logical consequence, I need to ask myself, “What was my child doing instead of what I wanted him/her to do?” (If so, I can try to prevent that activity.) “Is there some object that is contributing to the problem?” (If so, I can temporarily take away that object.) “Is there something comparable to but less severe than a natural consequence that could be used as a logical consequence?” (For example, if my young child calls home because she forget to take her lunch to school, I could take her a very plain sandwich–and no cookie.) Sometimes taking away the object that contributed to a problem (such as TV if it kept my child from doing homework) does not help, because the child will just substitute a different object. In such a case, “TEASPOT” may be effective: Take Everything Away for a Short Period of Time. For example, I could deprive my child of all electric/electronic devices for one day. In more extreme cases, extreme consequences may be called for, such as those discussed in Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager by Scott P. Sells. Here are some additional examples of routine logical consequences: My teen comes home late from a date My teen is grounded for the next weekend.

My child demands something impolitely. My child must repeat the request politely.

My child does not finish their meal. The food is wrapped and put in the refrigerator; if my child asks for food later, they get their

leftovers.

My child is 15 minutes late getting ready for school. My child is sent to bed 15 minutes earlier that night, and awakened 15 minutes earlier the next

morning.

My child does not clean their room. Having a friend over is postponed until the room is cleaned. By using logical consequences, I appeal to my child’s sense of fairness while conveying the importance of the desired behavior; cooperation is therefore more likely to result.



13

EFFECTIVE PARENTING, STEP SEVEN: I solve problems creatively.

I know that sometimes a parent needs to try many different approaches before finding a successful solution to a problem. If I have followed steps one through six of the Effective Parenting Plan and yet I am still (or once again) struggling with a particular behavior problem, what I need to do next is reassess the problem and my responses to it. *Could it be that the behavior I dislike is actually normal for my child’s age? *Has my child shown any evidence of actually being able to change the behavior? *Have I tried changing the environment, requesting cooperation in different ways, and being

flexible in my approach? *Have I listened actively to my child’s view of the situation? *Have I worked with my child to negotiate a solution that is acceptable to both of us? *When I set limits, have I followed through consistently? *Have I made sure that the consequences I impose are reasonable and related to the offense? If my answers to all except the first of the above questions is “yes,” but the problem has not been solved, my next step is to play detective. I need to figure out the motivation or reasons for my child’s behavior, in order to be able to create effective solutions. To be a good detective, I need *an open mind, *some knowledge of child development, *the ability to get my child to talk freely, and *to know my child’s behavior is motivated by needs, not badness.

The needs of children, like those of adults, can be categorized as needs of the body, mind, and soul. Here are examples of possible unmet needs and related actions. BODY NEEDS Is my child getting enough sleep? Try an earlier bedtime? Could my child have food allergies? Discuss with the doctor? Maybe my child needs a snack and/or vigorous play time before homework? Try and see.



14 MIND NEEDS Could my child have learning difficulties? Ask the school to evaluate. Is my child bored by the materials? Have my child tested. Could my child have a personality conflict with the teacher? Discuss with my child and then the teacher. SOUL (or Psychological) NEEDS My child needs regular and reliable care, attention, and love, in order to develop trust, as pointed out by Eric Erikson. Could my child need a more structured schedule? Could my child need more one-on-one time with me? Am I giving too much attention to negative behavior rather than “catching him/her being

good”? My child needs personal control over her/his own actions, in order to develop a sense of autonomy. Do I need to let my child make choices more often? Do I need to be more accepting of the choices my child makes? Am I loosening control appropriately as my child grows older? My child needs opportunities to have an effect on the environment, in order to develop a sense of purpose. Are my child’s toys age appropriate or too difficult? Are there opportunities to build, tear down, make noise? Does my child need to have chances to do volunteer work? My child needs opportunities to learn and practice skills, in order to develop a sense of competence. Should I help my child find more ways s/he can be successful? Am I giving my child the chance to follow his/her interests? Does my child need a tutor? My child needs opportunities to interact with a variety of other people, in order to develop a sense of personal identity. Does my child need more time with friends? Does my child need to join Camp Fire USA or some other club? Am I overcontrolling, limiting my child’s choice of friends?



15 Sometimes life (e.g., divorce, illness, job demands) makes it difficult to consistently meet a child’s psychological needs; also, some children are simply extra challenging. But a child whose psychological needs are not met over a period of time can become a discouraged child. Discouraged children who give up all hope stop trying to be good. By listening carefully, a parent may pick up indications that a child is discouraged: “I get bad grades because I’m stupid” or “My parents divorced because I’m a bad kid” or “I can never please my parents” or “Nobody will ever like me.” If my child has such beliefs, I need to not only deny their truth but help my child collect evidence against them. An encouraged child will show improved behavior. If over time my child’s problem behavior, or discouragement, does not change despite my best efforts, I need to consult a therapist or doctor. Creatively solving a problem does not mean I’m done with it; solutions often lose their effectiveness more quickly than I would like. And then it’s back to the drawing board again. No one ever told me parenting would be easy! But despite the struggles, I will never stop believing in and loving my child.



16

EFFECTIVE PARENTING, STEP EIGHT:

I love my child unconditionally.

Effective parents know that their child is just a child, not an enemy or an evil person. Children sometimes make mistakes, express anger inappropriately, and resist control. Instead of taking such behavior personally, I will take it in my stride and love my child anyway. There are two reasons for me to give my child unconditional love: because my child deserves it, and because my child needs it. If parents withdraw their love when their child misbehaves, they are not only saying the behavior is unacceptable, but also implying that their child is unacceptable–except when s/he happens to be behaving appropriately. But love is not something a child should have to earn. I love my child simply because s/he is my child. If my child behaves badly and I blame my child, I am forgetting what makes my child be who s/he is. For starters, I and my partner caused her to be on this earth (or at least to be in our home); the body and mind s/he was given are developing in the way human beings need to develop; the particular genetic make-up and learning opportunities her parents and environment have given her make her uniquely who s/he is. She did not choose any of these causal factors. Therefore, blaming her for her actions (as opposed to holding her appropriately responsible) just does not make sense. I need to remember that her behavior at this moment is the best s/he is capable of at this moment, and I will keep loving her as I work to help her improve. My child needs my unconditional love and acceptance in order to feel good about herself as a person. A child who frequently experiences the withdrawal of love is much more likely to believe “I am bad,” “I will never be good enough,” and “There’s no hope of pleasing you–why try?” A child who gives up on being loved and accepted by parents might even turn for acceptance to a different “family”: a street gang. By contrast, a child who receives unconditional love mixed with positive discipline is much more likely to believe “I am a good person,” “I am worthwhile,” “I can learn to do better,” and “I can please my parents–I want to please them because we love each other.” Loving my child unconditionally does not mean I never get angry at her–I am human, too! But it does mean I control my anger and I work to change the negative thoughts that spark it, such as, “My child is deliberately trying to make me mad,” “My child doesn’t respect me,” “My child is a brat,” “My child is spoiled,” etc. When I have such thoughts, I need to breathe, remind myself that my child is just a child, with understandable motives, who is just trying to get needs met (in an unacceptable way).



17 Under my anger I may discover other emotions, such as fear (“My child is going to grow up to be an ax murderer”) or shame (“I must be a terrible parent to have raised a child like this”). If so, I need to work on counteracting the related negative thoughts. After I calm myself down, I can problem solve and figure out an appropriate and helpful response to my child’s misbehavior, using steps one through seven of the Effective Parenting Plan.



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EFFECTIVE PARENTING, STEP NINE: I forgive myself for not being perfect.

Parents also at times make mistakes, express anger inappropriately, and resist controlling themselves. The old joke says a synonym for parent is “failure,” but everyone fails at being perfect. I will apologize and make amends for my mistakes. Then I’ll forgive myself and just keep doing the best I can. There are countless ways in which I could be an imperfect parent. Not meeting my child’s physical needs, for example: I might feed her the wrong things, or fail to teach him good eating habits, or somehow expose him to germs, or fail to prevent an accident! And the genes I passed on to her might cause health problems–maybe I should never have had a child? Or psychological needs: Maybe I’m too indulgent, or maybe I’m depriving her of things she needs. What if I’m failing to understand my child well enough, and so I’m not helping him the way I should? Maybe I’m not spending enough time (or enough “quality” time) with her. And then there’s discipline: Maybe I’m being too strict, or not strict enough? Too rigid? Unprotective? I get angry too often–maybe even yell at my child. I don’t follow through well enough, and then sometimes I get frustrated and I might say things that sound like I don’t love my child. But I do! I need to forgive myself for each of my parenting mistakes, if only because feeling guilty and upset with myself will prevent me from thinking clearly about what I need to do to solve the problem. Not forgiving myself is the same as saying, “I am a bad person now for what I did then.” It makes more sense to think, “I wish I hadn’t done that, and if only I had a time machine….” I can take action to improve things in the future, but there is nothing I can do to change the past. If, like most parents, I occasionally respond to my child in a way I judge wrong, it is important to apologize. It doesn’t do any good to pretend that parents always know best, or that I always do what is right. Admitting mistakes, besides being the honest thing to do, is a good habit to model for my child. And every apology I give has to serve double duty–because I’m sure I make at least one unconscious parenting mistake for every one I’m aware of. Sometimes even an apology is not enough. To make amends for my mistake, I may need to reschedule an event I forgot or canceled, do my child an unexpected favor, or just make a concerted effort to pay special attention to my child’s needs. Continuing to beat myself up for what “I should have done” or “I should not have done” is self-defeating. What is important is to continually commit to doing the best I realistically can as a parent–and to keep working on making my best better. In the final analysis, the quality of my parenting will not show itself in some statistical calculation of percent correct decisions, but in the relationship that grows between myself and the adult my child is becoming. Perfect parenting is not required (fortunately) to produce a son or daughter who is respectful but also resourceful, connected but also autonomous, interested in and influenced by her parents’ views but also able to make her own moral choices. As long as I do the best I can and apologize or make amends when my best is not so great, I can forgive myself my mistakes. After all, even effective parents are human!



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FURTHER READING

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon. Pick Up Your Socks...and Other Skills Growing Children Need, by Elizabeth Crary. Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelson. Positive Discipline for Teenagers, by Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott. Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Eaine Mazlish.

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THE EFFECTIVE PARENTING PLAN€¦ · THE EFFECTIVE PARENTING PLAN Maureen McConaghy Contents Page Preface: A plan for parenting effectively 1 1. I choose my battles wisely. 3 2. I