The Courtship of Deborah

8/6/2019 The Courtship of Deborah

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"THE COURTSHIP OF DEBORAH"

A play by

mike

Machine Repair Service9205 E 27th TerraceKansas City MO 64129



CHARACTERS

ED

DEBORAH

(Three months later: The door to the apartmentopens and in walks Deb and Ed. They are having ananimated conversation. Deb carries a bag of fastfood over to the table and they both sit down.)

EDI know, but thanks for bailing me out. I wasn’t sure you would.

DEBStupid! You’ve really done it this time. You know you could bein jail for quite a while. Assault with a deadly weapon… and on alawyer.

(pause)

Damn it Ed! It’s my job! I can’t go back there! Damn it Ed!

EDNot my finest hour, I’ll give you that.

DEBAnd that gunshot! We were all on the floor – my God that wasloud… I didn’t know it was you until they told me when we got

outside…

(pause)What were you doing in his office all that time, before the policegot there?



EDI had him post a notice on the company web site – and send anemail to everyone on his personal account.

DEBAn email?

ED Yea. And I had that secretary of his verify that it went out. Shedidn’t seem at all reluctant.

DEBBut he wasn’t injured?

EDNo.

DEBWhat did it say?

ED

Ed takes out a crumpled piece of paper and hands it to Deb.

DEB

(reading from the paper)

“This is to inform any and all concerned parties that I,

Stuart Zellor, am a lying cheating weasel. I knocked-up

an office worker and would not even apologize to her or my

wife. I would not tell



DEB

DEB

anybody about this exceptthat an irate husband has

threatened to splatter my

brains all over my keyboard!”

DEB

That’s just great, Ed. In

one smooth move you have

destroyed my career and

probably yours.

(pause)

And how does this fit in withyour six-month plan? You

didn’t tell me about the part

where you go to jail and I

loose my job.

ED

Just like you didn’t tell me

about the part where you get

pregnant and have a damn

abortion!

They sit at the table and take out the food but neither of

them eats anything yet.

DEB

How did you find out?

EDThe abortion?

DEB

Yes.



ED

A bill from the clinic. I

thought it was from where I

had those stitches but when I

looked at it there was this

test.

Ed takes another piece of paper from his pocket and looks

at it.

ED

Something called a Beta hCG.

I called the clinic and they

said it was a pregnancy test.

Yours was positive.

DEB

I’m sorry. Maybe I should

leave? I don’t have to stay

here tonight.

ED

(animated)Leave? Leave what? Leave

here and go find some other

poor chump? No Deb, stay

here. Confine the damage to

this county. I hate to see

you turned loose on anyone

else.

DEB

(sobbing)

I… I didn’t mean…

ED

Don’t do that! I don’t want

to hear that you didn’t mean

for any of this to happen.

You damn well didn’t care…



and this is the result.

DEB

This is the result! I’m not

the one who took a damn gun

into my boss’s office and

threaten to kill him! I

didn’t loose it in front of

everyone I work with! I… Oh

what the hell difference does

it make now!

(pause)

(quieter)

I won’t apologize for trying

to have a life… for trying to

make something of myself.

ED

Fine! Try apologizing for

letting some witch doctor

reach up into your private

parts and kill whatever he

can find there!

DEB

Oh shut up! You’ll never

understand.

ED

No, I won’t. That I’ll never

understand.

DEB

You can be so cruel. My

whole world has come apart…

you’ll probably go to jail…

And damn you! You go to

where I work, the only job

I’ve ever had that was worth

a damn, and threaten my boss

with a gun. I’ll be lucky if

all I am is fired.



ED

Fired! Fired! You’re

worried about your job? If

not for my Christian

upbringing I would have putthat bullet in his brain, not

in the ceiling.

(pause)

I told him… I said you’re

going to send a letter to all

your friends telling them

what a bastard you are.

(pause)

And do you know what he said?

Just like the take-charge

kind of jerk he is? He saidhe didn’t have to and he’d

see me in court and I’d be

sorry then!

DEB

And that’s when you shot him?

ED

I didn’t shoot him. I calmly

put the pistol behind his ear

and cocked it and told himthat dead men don’t go to

court so if he didn’t do what

I told him, all legal

remedies would be as useless

as his miserable existence.

(pause)

ED

Then I fired one round into

the ceiling… to show him I

would.

(pause)

So he pissed himself and

started typing.



DEB

Wonderful. I can never go

back there again can I?

ED

Deb, you shouldn’t go backthere again. You shouldn’t

want to go back there. Don’t

you see what they did to you,

to us?

(pause)

I know you liked a lot of

what you did… the job I mean.

But part of the rush was

because that SOB was a no-

good skirt chaser. You were

blind-sided because he knewhow exciting it is to be a

part of that power structure.

DEB

(strident)

Maybe… Maybe I was, but I was

damn good at what I did and,

not just him, but everyone in

the office knew it.

ED

(angrily)

Well you were damn good at

doing him! That’s a fact we

can all agree on.

DEB

Deb gives Ed the single finger salute.

Screw you!

ED

What did he do when you told

him you were pregnant? --

Assuming you told him?



DEB

He paid for the procedure…

ED(angrily)

It’s a procedure alright!

Ripping a life out of your

body.

DEB

Stop it! Just stop it! I

won’t talk to you if you’re

going to start in on that!

(pause)

I’m not proud of what I did,

but it’s done and I can’t

undo it!

(pause)

You can hate me if you want…

but do it quietly… I’m wrung

out.

They sit quietly for a while.

ED

I don’t hate you, Deb. I

hate what you did, but I

don’t hate you.

(pause)

How did he treat you? After…

DEB

You can say it. Don’t coddle

me.

(pause)After the abortion, which he

paid for, he didn’t have much

to do with me, on a personal

level. But like I told you,

my work was fine and we were

cordial.



(pause)

DEB

But now this. What am I

supposed to do now? You

really screwed this up for

me. Can’t you… Don’t you

feel anything… You don’t

seem to care, even a little

bit!

ED

Of course I care… If I

didn’t care would I have done

something so stupid? I careto damn much!

(pause)

We were doing so well… until

you got sick. Oh, but you

weren’t sick were you?

DEB

(animated)

And what would you have me

do? Have a baby! Now, withall this going on! You know

it wouldn’t be yours!

ED

Mine? Yours? Ours? What

the hell difference would it

make? Damn, Deb, half the

babies born on this planet

are accidents or mistakes.

People suck it up and take

care of them. It’s called

life!

DEB

You mean… you mean to tell me

that you would raise someone

else’s child?



ED

(gesturing)

If it came to that! I damn

well wouldn’t kill it. These

aren’t possessions to bebandied about.

(pause)

ED

Life is messy, Deb. We come

into this world blood-wet and

screaming like hell… and a

lot of us are going out the

same way. The only thing ofvalue we can honestly own is

that life within us.

DEB

Ah the philosopher machinist…

Who was about to take the

life of my boss. How does

that fit in with your ethics?

ED

We’re consenting adults. Heconsented to send and email,

and I consented not to blow

his brains out.

(pause)

Oh, and you consented to…

Well the life begun in you

didn’t get to consent to

anything…

DEB

Get off it!

ED

Okay, Deb. We both screwed

up. What can I say?



DEB

You seem to have plenty to

say about my screw up.

As if on cue, they both start to eat a little of the food

on the table. They are quiet for a moment.

ED

So how about my situation?You have some familiarity

with the legal system… any

chance I won’t go to jail?

DEB

It’s not just jail. Posting

that message on the web site

probably exposed you to civil

liability.

ED

Civil liability?

DEB

That’s lawyer talk for he can

sue the crap out of you for

monetary damage to his

reputation.

ED

How the hell can you damagethe reputation of a weasel

like him? I should have just

brought him a poison fish.

DEB

If I were you I would try



very quickly to get out of

the habit of referring to him

as a weasel. Remember that

your ultimate fate will be in

the hands of a judge/lawyer

who, I guarantee you, will

take great umbrage at being

referred to as a weasel… or

rodent, or any of your usual

animal analogies.

ED

You left out jackal, kite and

condor. Don’t forget the

carrion eaters.

DEB

(shaking her head)

You’re hopeless. Plan on a

long stay in a hard facility.

They poke at the fast food, more picking at it than

anything.

EDDid you get the flowers I

sent over the other day?

Those two orchids cost a

fortune.

DEB

Now you see? That’s what I

mean by hopeless. Can you,

just for a minute, imagine

what a stir that causes atthe office. They all know

the situation and I keep

getting these flowers and

gifts from my husband. You

don’t compliment me as much

as make me seem a fool.



ED

You didn’t like them?

DEBThat’s not the point. It’s

the whole idea. I should

never have agreed to your

silly plan… I should have

just had you leave.

ED

Yea. It seems silly now…

after you got knocked-up.

DEB

I wish you wouldn’t use that

expression. I hate that.

ED

They should have called it

knocked-down… or maybe

knocked-over. How about

knock-knocked?

DEB

This isn’t funny. We are in

way over our heads. I don’t

know what will happen to us.

ED

(smiling at her)Now you are saying “us”. I

like the sound of that. Not

“me” or “you” but “us”.

DEB

And why shouldn’t I? This



“us” your so fond of is

totally screwed; Maybe for

different reasons, but

totally screwed non-the-less.

ED

Yea, but if it’s the two of

us together we’ll get through

it. I’d bet on it.

DEB

Of course you would! You’re

an idiot. We are not getting

through this. What would

make you think that!

ED

Because, Deb, people are way

tougher than you give them

credit for. You’re way

tougher that you think.

DEBYou’ve been watching too many

action movies.

ED

(gets up and paces)

No. No, you’re wrong. When

I was in Bosnia I saw

families putting their lives

back together after the most

horrific things you couldimagine had happened to them.

DEB

More war stories…



ED

(turns to her - angrily)

I love you, Deb. I can’t

help it, I do. But you are

one pampered spoiled brat.(pause)

I don’t mind your wanting a

good job or a good life. I

have seen how hard you can

work. But… but you have no

idea what other people in

this world go through just to

live.

DEB

(louder)

Right! Now thanks to you Ican experience these things

first hand, rejection and

poverty and all that goes

with it. Damn, I’ll be a

poor convicts wife.

(pause)

Sounds like a plot for a bad

movie.

(pause)

DEB

And what makes you think I’m

so spoiled? You don’t think

I have a right to a better

life?

ED

You can’t appreciate the life

you have. My sergeant and I

were once served a dinner of

cabbage soup by a mother with

two daughters who had been

gang raped the day before



because she was from the

wrong clan…

(pause)

You could make a case that

she had a right to a better

life… And she was serving us…

DEB

My God. You never told me

anything like that before,

all your buddies ever

talked about was their

drinking and parties and

stuff…

EDThat’s a little over the top

I know… I’m sorry…

They sit quietly.

ED

I know you’re worried about

losing your job but you

didn’t have the only para-legal job in the city? I’ll

bet there is any number of

firms that would hire you.

DEB

After what you did?

ED

It was me that did it.

DEB

You know what I mean.

ED

Yes… I think I do. You had a

taste of honey without

climbing the tree. So you

want some more and it’s gone.



DEB

That doesn’t make any sense.

EDYou met the Attorney General,

remember? You had a taste of

the high life because you’re

very attractive and you let

that weasel of a boss take

full advantage of you.

(pause)

Some of those perks are gone

for good…

DEB

I worked hard. I earned some

of that!

ED

Yea, on your back. There’s

other words for that.

Deb again uses her favorite finger gesture.

ED

A lot of people work hard and

are good at what they do.

And one hell of a lot of them

work for a boss that wouldn’t

waste piss on them if they

were on fire.

DEB

You’re so gross.

(pause)

You think it’s all looks?



Doesn’t matter what kind of

job I did?

ED

I don’t know, Deb. I can’t

imagine what it would be like

to be an attractive woman

working around powerful men.

Men can’t separate that out…

DEB

You’re saying that if a woman

is attractive men can’t

ignore that in the workplace?

ED

Hell no they can’t ignore it,

unless they are gay or

something. They may act like

it’s not a factor but you can

bet it is…

(pause)

In your case some of the men

were just very friendly, but

one was a predator.

DEB

Not every man has the benefit

of working in a machine shop,

where you can inform his

character. I’ll bet there

are some men who can actually

do the impossible and work

with good looking women.

EDYea, switch hitters and child

molesters! Get real.

DEB

Damn you, that’s the kind of

attitude that drives me



crazy. You think everybody

is like you. There is a

whole world of sophisticated

people working with each

other every day and doing

just fine.

(pause)

I guess you wouldn’t see any

of that in a garage.

ED

You know what I like about

machinery, Deb?

DEB

Dare I ask?

ED

A machine won’t lie to you.

It won’t pretend it’s fixed

if it’s not. People like you

work with can have a meeting

and decide something is what

it’s not. Or even worse they

can decide that their

billable hours should bedouble what they really were.

Deb gets up and starts cleaning up after them.

DEB

Excuse me, but I’ve heard

this one before.

Deb goes to cleaning up and for the moment ignores Ed.

ED

That lawyer you got for me

said there is a chance this



could blow over… Maybe I

could get probation… not have

to actually go to jail. I

could keep working…

DEB

Maybe. He knows a lot of

people. A good word from him

would help. But I’m telling

you right now that these guys

don’t turn on each other. If

Stuart goes after you… I

don’t know…

EDAt least you should be okay.

DEB

(agitated)

You don’t see it do you! You

don’t see it at all! I can’t

go to any law firm in the

city without being a

laughingstock.

Deb picks up her soft drink and hurls it into the sink.

This isn’t going to work…

Your plan… Your job… The

whole damn thing! I think

you should leave! I… I

don’t know what to do now!

Ed moves to console her but she pushes him away.

ED(angry)

Fine. I’ll leave in the

morning.

(pause)



ED

I don’t know what you want

either. If you want your oldjob back…

(pause)

Can’t you see that you were

already a laughingstock! You

are trying to do a good job

but every one in the office

knows that your boss, who is

a known skirt chaser, is

banging you like a cheap

drum.

(pause)

Any of us can get blind-

sided. I’ve been ripped off…

you can’t do business and not

get whacked every now and

then.

DEB

(sobbing)

But it’s so personal. Why

did he have to do… to do that?

ED

Don’t shed any tears for that

low-life! I told you he was

just a predator. There are a

lot of them out there.

DEBI’m not that naive. You talk

like I’m a child…

ED

Well, since I’m on the way

out the only thing I can tell



you is that you need to grow

up! And might I suggest you

hurry.

DEB

Shut-up! You think you’re so

smart.

ED

I was smart enough to see

that you were in a no-win

situation… And dumb enough

to try and help. That’s what

being smart got me!

(pause)

Damn it Deb, there are bad

people out there. Evil

people dressed in fine suits

and making a lot of money,

but they are evil all the

same. They’ll shred your

marriage, steal your 401k’s,

and smile while they’re doing

it.

(pause)

And you know the real kicker…the pathetic part? You still

want in.

(pause)

After all is said and done,

after you see what it did to

me and to you… you’re sorry

you can’t go back.

(pause)

I should have shot that

bastard and applied for a

commendation!

DEB

(softly)

That’s… that’s your answer to

everything. How are you any

better?



ED

Because I don’t really do it,

Deb. I didn’t take his life…

I don’t steal from my

customers or bill them for

work I didn’t do. Sure I get

angry…

(pause)

I didn’t steal his damn wife!

DEB

You can’t lay that all on

him. I went along with it –

God help me. I just

couldn’t… It was like I

couldn’t help myself…

EDI know, Deb, I know. It is

seductive. I sat here night

after night so angry… But

then the more I thought about

it, the more I could see how

alluring it must be. I mean…

Our marriage grown so stale

and suddenly you get the

princess treatment… The real

deal.

DEB

It doesn’t seem so wrong – to

want that kind of life. It

is so exciting…

ED

But you only saw the good

part, and that’s what he used

for bait.

(pause)

Look, I don’t know this guy,

other than to put a gun to

his head, but you can bet

that, like all of us, he has

more problems than a run-over

dog. I mean, he must not

like his home life either…



DEB

He was unhappy a lot of the

time. You’re right about

that. Sometimes, toward the

end, after we were… after wewere together he was distant…

like I wasn’t there… No more

conversation. I… I started

to feel dirty. I’m not sure

of anything now.

ED

I can be here for you, Deb.But you have to want it. You

have to want it like you

never wanted anything in your

life.

DEB

I… I don’t see how we can go

back.

ED

No. No, we can’t go back,

Deb. I won’t go back. We go

forward.

DEB

What does that mean… We are

still the same people…

EDNot even close. I sat here

in this dark apartment for so

many nights… I won’t ever

revisit that, not for anyone!

(pause)

I came up with my silly plan

because I had to do something



besides give up. I decided

the only thing I could do was

to court you and win you back

– or walk away.

DEB

I got that part…

ED

Okay. So what do I do? Here

I stand, at your service.

Ed picks up a broom from the corner and throws it up on

his shoulder like a rifle and jumps to attention.

DEB

You look silly. I just

don’t…

ED

You have to decide. And you

have to do it now, Deb. Do Icontinue the courtship… or do

I walk?

DEB

I… I don’t want to hurt you…

ED

Hurt me, Deb! Oh hurt me,

Deb!

(pause)

Ed points the broom at her like it was a rifle.

But make no mistake, Deb, if

I walk away it’s over. I

won’t be back. I’m at peace





ED

That’s what we missed the

first time, Deb. The

courtship shouldn’t be over.

It continues… It goes on.It ends when one of us dies…

That’s the vow that we took

when we had that fancy church

wedding.

DEB

Does anyone take that

seriously any more?

ED

I did. And I do now. I want

you to live up to it now… If

you can!

DEB

I can’t do this now. I’m all

confused and I don’t know how

things will shake out. I… I

can’t make a commitment like

that now…

ED

You’re sure? You don’t want

the courtship to continue?

Is that what you’re saying?

DEBThat sounds goofy, when you

say it out loud. I don’t

want this courtship, or

whatever it is, to continue

the way it’s been.

(pause)

I… I don’t know what’s going



to happen but no silly stupid

courtship is going to solve

it! My God that’s so

childish…

ED

Think so? I’ll bet there are

a lot of women out there who

would love to be courted…

Long term even… To be loved

the way I love you…

Ed puts the broom down and stands by the window looking

out.

I don’t care if it’s childish

or stupid. You want

sophistication… I hope you

get it. And when you get it

I sincerely hope it’s enough!

DEB

Maybe some day I will be able

to appreciate your… what

shall I call it… your point

of view. Maybe there aregirls out there who would

like to be courted like in

some fairy tale… I just

don’t think right now I’m

ready to give up on… other

things.

EDIn that case, Deb, I don’t

see any reason to stay. I’ll

crash on the couch and in the

morning I’ll leave.



DEB

That’s not necessary. You

can stay here while we get

everything taken care of.

ED

No. No I can’t. I’ve

survived these last months

because I was finally able to

take action instead of

feeling sorry for myself.

There were only two choices;

I would court you and it

would work or it wouldn’t.

(softly)You’re telling me now it

didn’t work. Is that right?

DEB

(shaking her head)

It’s not fair… to put it on

me like this. I can’t say

yes or no to such a

complicated situation…

ED

Ahh, but you can… not making

a choice is a decision.

(pause)

Okay, I’ll make it simple for

you… The courtship is over.

Are you okay with that.

DEB

I… I think I am.(pause)

DEB

I have feelings for you but



after all we’ve been through

I can’t say that there can be

that kind of… that kind of

relationship again.

EDOkay, Deb, that’s what I need

to know. I’ll leave in the

morning and get my stuff out

as soon as I can.

DEB

Where will you stay?

ED

I’ve got room for a cot inthe office at the shop.

There’s a small ‘fridge and

bathroom.

DEB

I… I feel bad that it comes

down to this. I wish…

ED

Don’t say any more, Deb. I

know what I have to do now.(pause)

It’s over between us.

There’s no going back.

DEB

I don’t… We can still be

friends? I wouldn’t…

EDYea, Deb, I think we can

manage that. But not close

friends… not now anyway.



DEB

(softly sobbing)

We were a good match for a

while… I’m sorry, I really

am…

ED

(irritated)

Give it a rest. You’re

making a mistake and I can’t

stop it… I guess I’m sorry

too…

DEB

You’re angry?

ED

Disappointed. I thought… I

thought you could make a

commitment…

DEB

I could commit… I could if I

felt the time or situationwas right…

ED

You make sheltered

commitments. You want your

life to be like a

smorgasbord.

(pause)

You want to walk down the

table of your life and pickand choose which dishes you

want to sample.

(pause)

You sampled me and I wasn’t

exotic enough. You sampled

your boss and that turned

sour on you. No body gets it



all… If that’s what your

looking for you’ll always be

adrift.

DEB

I am adrift. And you’re nothelping.

ED

I could have, Deb. I could

have. And there’s the

tragedy of it.

Ed goes to the hall shelf and gets a blanket and flops

down on the sofa.

ED

I won’t bother you… I’ll be

out of here early.

Documents

The Courtship of Deborah