The Convict Cup 2009Fri 30 Oct – Sun 1 Nov

1985: Sam Torrance, after beating Andy North to secure the win for Europe, the first time the Americans had lost in 28 years:

"Never have I felt as wonderful as I feel today," Torrance said. "And never will I feel as wonderful."

2008: Zac Vogel, after seeing Simon Millard secure the win for England:

"Never have I felt as wonderful as I feel today," Vogel said. "And never will I feel as wonderful."

And so here it is – The Convict Cup 2009. Twenty-four warriors striding into battle, with the hopes of a nation – or a hemisphere – riding heavily on their shoulders. For Team England, the survivors of the epic 2008 triumph will be eagerly looking to pick up where they left off; the taste of champagne from the Cup still sweet in the mouth. For those Englishmen who cannot make it this year, they will follow the Cup

scores with great interest from around the world – Hemming from Singapore and Harris from Europe (home at last). Birtwhistle, Cleeve and Jarvis will be striving to make their mark on the tournament, searching for birdies to get their Convict Cup stats off to a flying start.

For the Southern Hemisphere, defeat clearly hurt. A huge clearout means that only six survivors from The Battle of the Vintage remain on the Tour this year. Big Boy Evans could provide some fresh, gutsy iron in a broken team. Speaking of guts, broken and iron, Devlin flies back hoping to improve on last year. In the aftermath of defeat, opponents of the Co-Captaincy system were vocal in their criticism. Trigwell and Bugden look to silence those critics this year.

So much chat to come. So many questions. Who will pair with whom? What order will the teams go out? Should we start strong? Was that a double-hit? How arresting will the Southerners look this year? Is that a bloke or a bird Jodie’s talking to?

But the first question – the big question – is where will history be made?

Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to invite you to The 2009 Convict Cup at......

Blackheath Golf Club and Wentworth Falls Golf Club.Blue Mountains, NSW.

S et within the magnificent Blue Mountains, Blackheath Golf Club is a stunning course for all player standards – even Adam Hemming, if he was playing.

Actually, maybe not Adam Hemming. The first hole lays the foundation for 17 morebeautiful ones cut into the mountains, with colourful flora and fauna aptly giving the course a distinctly English feel. The signature Par 3 17th, 130m over water to a tight green could be where points are won or lost, whilst the Clubhouse is positioned perfectly for completed groups to watch their compatriots stutter up the last. Expect heckles from uncouth Kiwis as you prepare to sink your putt.

The weekendTeam England will be travelling up to The Blackheath Motor Inn on Friday afternoon, dumping off bags, and walking three minutes down the road to The Ivanhoe – a pikey pub with fantastic pies, wall-to-wall televised sport, dart boards, 20c pool and drunk, ugly women. Jason’s idea of Heaven. Drinking will commence and will continue until the early hours of Championship Saturday. For those wanting to enjoy female company, I’m assured that a nightclub in Katoomba is the place to go. Ask Trigger. If all 24 competitors can make it up on Friday evening, the draw will take place amidst the drunken brew-ha-ha, allowing plenty of time for goad and counter-goad between the teams. If not, the draw will be revealed on Saturday morning – very early.

To have the privilege of playing 27 at Blackheath, The Convict Cup will be working around the comp, meaning the format will change slightly too. The 18-hole 4BBB will be played in the morning with the opening shot at 7am, whilst 9-hole Foursomes will be played in the afternoon.

After 18 morning matchplay holes, a Sausage Sizzle and cold beers await, whilst questions around where it all went wrong will be buzzing through the air. Captains and Co-Captains will throw away months of preparation and drunkenly bodge together the Foursomes for the afternoon. The leading team will swagger towards the first tee for the Foursomes, although this is likely to be the effect of an additional celebratory beer rather than confidence at their current superiority. The course does allow alcohol and Team England will be duly encouraged to take some on-board as a last resort when losing.

Meanwhile, Millsie’s playing partner will be psyching himself up for the pressure he will feel, anticipating the halves he’ll need to rescue by chipping in the duffed attempt from his playing partner just seconds earlier. The afternoon will whizz by and if there is an overnight leader, chirping will commence.

More alcohol in The Clubhouse. Return to The Motor Inn. Back to The Ivanhoe. Do it all over again. The highlight of the night will be the announcement of the Singles Matchplay to be held the following day at Wentworth Falls Golf Club. Can Esplin lay the demons of 2008 to rest? Can Carr set the record straight against Bugden? Who will still be in contention for three points? Can Devlin get off the first tee? And can he finish with 14 clubs? Can Kelly go three holes without having to shit in the bushes? Important questions that will all be answered in one form or another on Saturday Evening and Sunday. Oh, and who will win the Pool Competition?

S unday starts at a rather more leisurely pace. A hearty, full breakfast awaits 23 of us at the place next to The Ivanhoe, whilst Matthew Siddons will probably go for the Smoked Salmon and Chives on Wholegrain Toast with a Soy Chai Latte again.

Wentworth Falls Golf Club is on the way back to Sydney, so cars will be packed, final dumps and vomits will be had, mints will be sucked, sunglasses will be worn and Siddons will adjust his neckerchief. Nerves won’t help Kelly’s bowels as he approaches the tee some time after 10:30am.

Another lovely course with challenging holes and an interesting layout will provide a stern test for all. Higher handicappers will be anxiously eyeing the holes where they receive a shot, whilst the lower handicappers will be aiming to get some distance between themselves and their opponent as early as possible. The thin mountain air will carry shouts of ‘Fore!’ and ‘Bollocks’ over the course as duffed shots and crappy putts test the steel and resolve of all groups. Scoring will be tight until, eventually, four hours later someone will sink the putt which will determine the home of the trophy – and bragging rights – for the next twelve months.

The ceremony will be held on the 18th green around 3:30pm, allowing some time for photos, speeches and celebration. A major factor in the choice of location is its proximity to Sydney, so all competitors are urged to spend some time together reflecting on another successful Convict Cup. The cost of the weekend will be formalised shortly via our Treasurer, Mrs Jodie Loughlin but, rest assured, the accommodation and golf are both very reasonable.

Gentlemen, on behalf of Team England, I wish you all the very best of luck and I look forward to what promises to be another weekend full of fun, merriment and very average golf.

Useful links.

www.blackheathmotorinn.com.au/

http://www.blackheathhotel.com/

www.blackheathgolf.com.au/

www.wfcc.com.au/

Ascendo tuum.