Vivian Harris was absolutely knackered thanks to a rotten night’s sleep. She had dreamt that her Lenny had died, and after she had awoken from her nightmare had been too traumatized to doze off again.

As usual on a Sunday morning, Queenie and Vivian had gone to visit their mother’s grave. From there they had gone straight to the hospital, which was always a tiring experience as well as stressful and upsetting. ‘Bleedin’ shattered, I am today. You don’t mind if I don’t come in yours now, do ya? I’ll pop in tonight after I’ve had a snooze,’ Vivian said, yawning.

Feeling drained herself, Queenie sighed. A houseful of people was the last thing she wanted or needed and she just knew Vivian was going to feel the same. But, what could she do now that Vinny had gone to the trouble of arranging it all? ‘Vivvy, you ain’t gonna fancy this any more than I do, but you’re gonna have to come straight in mine. The boys have got something planned for your birthday.’

Vivian stopped in her tracks outside the Blind Beggar pub. ‘Like what? It had better not be a surprise party, Queen. I hate surprises at the best of times. I also hate fucking birthdays. Who wants to celebrate being another year nearer to your bastard grave, eh?’

‘I know what you’re saying, Viv, but we’re gonna have to show willing. Vinny wanted to arrange it at the club but I said no, which is why he’s doing it at mine now. It will only be family and a couple of the boys’ mates. It’s nothing major.’

Vivian felt so tired and ratty, she couldn’t help but sound ungrateful. ‘It had better fucking not be, Queen. Because if it is, I’m walking out.’

Vivian was not amused when she followed Queenie inside the

house and saw not only three people she didn’t know, but also most of their neighbours. ‘Nothing major! I don’t even know or like half these cunts,’ Vivian spat in her sister’s ear.

Seeing his beloved mother appear, Lenny turned down the sultry tones of Elvis and picked up his microphone. ‘Happy birthday, Mum. I love you. Do you like your surprise? We did all this for you, and we’ve bought you a big cake.’

Forcing a smile, Vivian walked over to her son and hugged him close to her chest. ‘Of course I like my surprise, boy. It’s lovely,’ she lied.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Ahmed had just discreetly dropped two LSD tabs into a glass of champagne. ‘Do you want to give it to her? Or shall I?’ he asked Vinny.

‘Neither. Champ, ’ere a minute,’ Vinny shouted, as his nephew walked past him. Lenny had taken a break from his DJ-ing duties to use the toilet.

‘What’s up, Vinny? You do like my music, don’t you?’ Vinny ruffled his cousin’s thick mop of hair. ‘You’re doing

an absolute brilliant job. I’ve poured a glass of beer for you, but if your mum asks it’s shandy, OK? And can you give that glass of champagne to Karen for me? She is standing right by your box of records.’

‘Yep, I’ll give it to Karen, and thank you, Vinny. I promise I will tell Mum that mine is a shandy,’ Lenny said, trotting away happily.

‘Well?’ Vinny asked his pal. Ahmed grinned. ‘He has given it to her, and she is sipping

it. Let the fun begin.’

Vivian was amazed when Lenny played Johnny Kidd & the Pirates’ ‘Shaking All Over’ and Karen started doing a strange dance, which included throwing her arms in the air, in the

middle of the lounge carpet. Queenie was busy trying to get rid of the neighbours, therefore had her back turned. When Karen put her arms seductively around Lenny’s neck, Viv ran over to her sister and prodded her in the arm. ‘Is she pissed, or what? Do me a favour and get her away from my Lenny. I don’t want to make a big scene in front of Vinny.’

When Queenie looked around, she was startled. Karen was behaving just as Vinny had described earlier. Her eyes were glassy. She looked on a different planet, and as she let go of Lenny and picked Little Vinny up to swing him around in the air, Queenie was worried for her grandson’s safety.

Vinny and Ahmed had been watching Karen for the past ten minutes, and had found the change in her hilarious, but when Queenie walked towards them they both pretended to be engrossed in their own conversation. ‘You all right, Mum? Want another drink?’ Vinny asked.

‘No, I’m not all right. You seen the state of Karen? She’s acting really weird. She better not have been taking that shit you told me about in my house, Vinny, because if she has, get fucking rid of her now,’ Queenie hissed.

Vinny looked around, then pretended to be shocked. ‘Oh for fuck’s sake. See, told you what she was like, didn’t I?

Believe me now, do ya? I’ll take her home in a bit. Little Vinny can come with me for the ride.’

‘You ain’t taking Little Vinny with you if she’s off her head. Leave him here. Me and Vivvy will look after him. He looks upset to me. I think he’s trying to get away from her.’

‘Well, she won’t be working for me and seeing him for much longer, so best he knows the truth about her, Mum. At least if he sees her acting strange, then it’s easier for me to explain why she is no longer part of our lives.’

‘How you gonna get rid of her? Druggie or not, you can’t do anything bad to her, Vinny.’

‘As if I would, Mum. When I say get rid of her, I mean send her away to one of those special clinics to sort out her drug abuse. I have already spoken to my doctor about it, and he is looking into it for me.’

‘Oh my gawd, Vinny! What’s she doing now? Everyone’s staring at her, look. You’d better get her out of here now. She’s embarrassing herself and my good name.’

Watching Karen crawl along the carpet while mumbling something about big spiders, Vinny desperately tried to keep a straight face. The audience around her was getting bigger by the second. ‘I’ll just finish my drink, then Ahmed can help me put her in the car,’ Vinny said. He wanted to ensure that everybody had seen Karen in her current state. It was all part of his plan.

Snatching the glass out of her son’s hand, Queenie threw the contents down the sink. ‘When I say I want her out of my house now. I mean fucking now.’

Less than half an hour after Karen had left the house another drama occurred.

Big Stan had always hated One Eyed Harry ever since the drunken old bum had run over his beloved dog Shep, and when Harry made a derogatory comment about his wife’s weight and food intake, Big Stan saw red and demanded an apology.

‘I’m not saying sorry. Why should I? I’m only being honest and saying what everybody else is thinking. Never seen such a greedy fat beast in all my life. Six plates of grub I’ve seen her eat. I’m surprised she ain’t fucking burst,’ Harry said, in his usual blunt manner.

Big Stan draw back his right fist and hit One Eyed Harry so hard that he went flying backwards into Queenie’s beloved

glass ornament cabinet.‘Aw, my giddy aunt! He’s smashed me cabinet and all me

fucking china,’ Queenie screamed.Big Stan was mortified. ‘I’m so sorry, Queenie. I’ll try

and pay for any damage I’ve caused. It was an accident, honest it was.’

Absolutely seething, Queenie picked up her china fruit bowl and began clouting Big Stan around the head with it. ‘You couldn’t afford to reimburse me for one of them orna-ments let alone all of them, you great big lummox. Now, get out my house and take that gluttonous wife of yours with ya.’

When Big Stan and his wife left, Queenie snatched the mike off Lenny. ‘Right, that’s it. The party is over. Apart from family, you can all drink your drinks and fuck off home. The quicker you leave the better. Thank you all for coming.’

‘Fucking birthdays, I hate ’em. Let’s sit out in the garden and drink our sherry, eh? We can clear the mess up later,’ Vivian suggested, handing her sister a cigarette.

‘Good idea. I’ll tell you something, Vivvy, that is the last time I ever have a party here. Not only has my lovely home been smashed up, but what a fucking show-up with that Karen, eh? Kicking and screaming like a loony she was when Vinny tried to get her in the car. Nosy Hilda clocked everything. I’m gonna have such a go at Vinny for inviting all the bleedin’ neighbours. He knows we don’t really mix with them, and we like to keep our business private. What was he thinking, eh?’

‘Don’t ask me. The party was a shambles from start to finish. The only thing I liked was me cake, and some bastard knocked that on the floor. Such a shame about all your lovely china though.’

Sipping her sherry, Queenie suddenly saw the funny side

and began to laugh. ‘Only last week I looked at that china cabinet and thought how dated it seemed. My Vinny can buy me one of them posh sideboards now. What a day eh, Viv? And what with Denise turning up with her pregnancy letter. What must people think of us? Talk about free enter-tainment.’

Vivian raised her eyebrows. ‘As for my Lenny showing me up again. Pissed in your rose bush he did because there was a queue for the toilet. Flopped his todger out right in front of poor old Ivy. She was out here having a fag.’

Queenie held her aching sides. ‘Do you know what, Viv, I’ve come to the conclusion that none of our kids are normal. Most families have one black sheep, but between me and you, we managed to breed a fucking flock of ’em.’