The Book of Answer Bank

8/2/2019 The Book of Answer Bank

1/45

The BookOf

AnswerBank

A Great Work Of Poesy & Nonsense

Composed, Collected and Compiled by the Users of The AnswerBank

www.theanswerbank.co.uk
http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/


2/45

Introduction ............................................................................................................................................ 3

The Apotheosis ....................................................................................................................................... 4

Concerns of the Faithful .......................................................................................................................... 5

The Honoured are Chosen ...................................................................................................................... 6

Introduction to the Discussions .............................................................................................................. 7

On Virgins and Bananas (Virgin on the Ridiculous) ................................................................................. 8

More on the Importance of Bananas ...................................................................................................... 9

On Head-Gear ....................................................................................................................................... 11

On Politics (Should The First Church Of The AnswerBank Take Over The Running Of The European

Union?) .................................................................................................................................................. 13

It Is Suggested A Monumental Erection Be Formed ............................................................................. 17

In Praise ................................................................................................................................................. 19

The Pantomime! ................................................................................................................................... 22

Scene One ......................................................................................................................................... 22

Scene Two ......................................................................................................................................... 24

Scene Three ....................................................................................................................................... 26

Scene Four: Cake Crossed Lovers ...................................................................................................... 28

Scene Five ......................................................................................................................................... 30

Scene Six ........................................................................................................................................... 31

Scene Seven ...................................................................................................................................... 32

Scene Eight ........................................................................................................................................ 34

Scene Nine ........................................................................................................................................ 35

Scene Ten .......................................................................................................................................... 36

Scene Eleven ..................................................................................................................................... 37

Scene Twelve .................................................................................................................................... 39

Scene Thirteen .................................................................................................................................. 40

Scene Fourteen ................................................................................................................................. 41

Scene Fifteen ..................................................................................................................................... 42

Scene Sixteen .................................................................................................................................... 43


3/45

Introduction

Welcome to The AnswerBank's first collection of nonsense.

Here we hope to present a collection of silliness from within the hallowed halls of The AnswerBank.

As you're probably well aware the AnswerBank is a great place for asking questions and receiving

answers, but it is also a superb place for very silly people to gather and let off steam. It's well known

that "letting off steam" is good for the soul and, while trepanning is supposed to be the most direct

method, the next best thing is humour. Lacking any sense of humour whatsoever we settled on the

third best way to "let off steam": creating a cult on the internet.

So here we have the First Book of The AnswerBank - a collection of rites, discussions and poesy of

The First Church of The AnswerBank (copyright, trademarked and persecution pending).

The whole idea kicked off with a very silly post by Venator entitled:

The Apotheosis of AB Ed

What followed was a great scrambling to man the oars of this ingenious ship of silliness, soon the

thread escalated to 600 posts - and now, this e-book!

We'd like to do more of this in the future. So if you think you've got a great idea which has its roots

firmly groping that special kind of English nonsense we're so fond of in The AnswerBank please feel

free to get in touch. I'm always happy to listen to Nonsense!

All the best,

AB Editor
http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/ChatterBank/Question1066858.htmlhttp://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/ChatterBank/Question1066858.htmlhttp://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/ChatterBank/Question1066858.html


4/45

The Apotheosis

Venator:

I proclaim a great revelation to all those who turn to AB in their search for truth.

We have seen how AB Ed watches over us from afar; how he speaks words of wisdom for our

guidance; how he brings peace when there is disagreement; how he punishes the transgressors,

striking out their words or consigning them to forgetfulness.

These are divine attributes, and we should humbly recognise his apotheosis.

The time has come for AnswerBank to assume its rightful place as the First Church of

AnswerBank.

We must make offerings to Ed, through the medium of PayPal. As the first disciple, you will wish

me to share some part of your offerings.

We shall of course be persecuted, and must defend our Human Rights to the full extent of the

State funding which is available to this persecuted minority. The solicitors among Ed's flock will

doubtless feel the call.

We must spend many hours in formulating our creed.

To aid this vital process, I suggest discussion of these propositions:

1. That we wear religious costume with optional face coverings.2. That we follow our Rastafarian brothers and allow the use of herbal aids to clear

thought.

3. Also, like our Sikh brothers, shall we carry concealed weapons if we wish?4. We shall need to have several periods during working hours each day for

communication with our church, and employers shall make special facilities

available for this purpose.

5. We shall require at least 30 special holidays each year, meditating before ourcomputers and consuming special liquids.

All Praise Be To Ed!


5/45

Concerns of the Faithful

Once the proclamation of the greatness of the First Church of The AnswerBank is announced the

faithful flock and make known their concerns about the fledgling religion.

RATTER15:

Do we also have to crucify anybody that does subscribe to AB? I'm not sure if I got enough

time to fully commit to all that crucifying!!

Would we have to wear weird clothing? Or could we all be naturalists?

I think you could be on to something!

Albaqwerty:

Do we have to attend a ceremony on a certain day of the week and bring offerings?

Boxtops:

What we bring must, of course, be in no larger than 10ml bottles and contained in a sealable

plastic bag with a volume of not more than 1 litre.

Mamyalynne:

Do we get a heating allowance too?

Craft1948:

He's not really an AB Ed... he's just a very naughty boy.


6/45

The Honoured are Chosen

And so, Venator having made the case of the First Church of The AnswerBank clear to the newly

converted the church set about forming itself offering positions of note and power.

Venator:

It's good to see that we are discussing our creed already. Boxtops, would you like to be our

first convert.

Boxtops:

Venator, can Rowanwitch be our Poet Laureate please?

Venator:

Rowan - you are hereby appointed Poet Laureate in residence to the First Church of

Answerbank!

Boxtops - would you like to be High Priestess? It may involve wearing little more than the

pointy red hat during ceremonies, but we may provide a scarf if there is frost on the ground.

And after much more silliness, the first apostles were named:

He Who Hath Seenth The Lighteth Of Our Lordeth: Venator (Who Hath Not a Lisp-eth)

High Priestess With A Step-Laddereth: Boxtops

Gifted in The Arte of Pomes and Dittes: Poet Laureate Rowanwitch

Crospostle, Cruiciverbalist & Co-Bard: DTcrosswordfan

Modpostle & Official Absorber of Cake, Consumer of Pastry and Ingester of Trifle: B00

Prophet Who Hath Yet To Prophesise Anything-eth But Sayeth "There's Bound To Be One

Along Shortlyeth": Starbuckone

Trollfinder General: Jackthehat

They Who Hath Maybe An Innuendo In Their Pocket Or Are Perhaps Just Happy To Seeth

Our Lord, Smutpostles: Sallabannas & McMouse

Obligatory Virgin/Choir Boy: Sunny-Dave

Recycled Virgin Extraordinaire: Askyourgran


7/45

Introduction to the Discussions

As anyone who has started their own religion from a thread on a question and answer site will tell

you: "There's a lot to sort out".

Most churches set about nailing proclamations to doors or nailing people to wooden crosses. As we

didn't have any nails we instead set about deciding on our rites, practices and rules.

This is what you will find in front of you on the following pages.


8/45

On Virgins and Bananas (Virgin on the Ridiculous)

Like most major religions the first port of call was to attempt to tell people what they can and can't

do with their bodies, and specifically, how we felt about virginity. As such the daily sacrifice ofbananas and, on occasions where bananas were no available, virgins, was an easy call to make.

High Priestess Boxtop Takes The Floor

Boxtops:

I think we need to reconsider these virgins, what purpose will they serve in our set-up? We

could always offer a virgin re-creation service; I believe it can be done... hmm...

Venator:

I thought we might sacrifice them on special occasions to save on bananas?

DTcrosswordfan:

Agree there. The re-creation of virgins - should Rowan and I compose hymens for that, sorry

- hymns?

AskYourGran:

Just thought you'd like to know that I am a re-cycled virgin. But I do not wish to put myself

forward for any ritualistic stuff, however if you can persuade George Clooney to join I may

reconsider.

Nibble:

All Hail to the miraculous all-recidivist efforts from Our benighted Ed, (health & youth be

heaped upon Him - in all his guises)...

AB Editor:

AYG, I can't offer George Clooney, but we could organize a bus-trip to Offord Clooney, I think

they've got a nice church and there might be a cake shop?


9/45

More on the Importance of Bananas

Aside from the excellent health benefits awarded by eating bananas (such as seeing around corners,

being better at tennis and making you taller) there is also a significance of the waxy-skinned fruit inwithin the creed of The First Church of AnswerBank.

As such there was a remarkable degree of interest in the divinely curved fruit and rituals began to

grow around it.

Note: It is strongly refuted, with red faces, that there is a link between the curve of a banana and The

Angle of the Midlands.

Venator:

Ab Editor is in consultation with the Gnomes of Zurich and the Elves in the Black Forest to

conclude a Treaty, under the terms of which, all horizontally challenged supernatural

creatures will be entitled to free bananas.

A referendum of the members of Answerbank is being rigged.

Boxtops:

I have partaken of the dawn banana, I'm now fit to face the second month!

Venator:

Your religious observation does you credit - I too had my banana, with a couple of rounds of

homemade bread, at around 6.30

Venator:

There can be no discrimination in our congregation. Whether your banana is straight or bent

is a matter for each individual.

Zeuhl:

What's the position on male circumcision?

Jno:

"Legs crossed" is the usual.

DTcrosswordfan (Crospostle, Cruiciverbalist & Co-Bard) Takes To The Floor To Present His Most

Magnificent Re-versioned Poem on the Subject of Bananas: "Have You No Bananas?"


10/45

"Have You No Bananas?" (With Thanks To Rudyard Kipling)

Have you no Bananas, AB townsfolk all?

"Nay, but Ed has them certainly.

"We buy them off the Internet, with the venator-marrows

"And the Suspended of our own country,

"(From the trollers of our own country.)"

Those are not Bananas, AB townsfolk all.

(Plantains from AB Poundland maybe!)

For the true are red and gold, and they fill no Boxie's hold,

But flourish in a Rowan country,

(That Folk go far to see.)

Their stiff Boos point the nooning down, AB townsfolk all,

Or rear against the Seadoggs off the sea;

Or Ratter and Mamya again, through the curtains of the Jayne

That Lady A's estates let free-

(Bellying 'twixt the Sara and Naomi).

Chaffinches inhabit there, AB townsfolk all-

jewelled ABers no bigger than dr b;

And the feline Lie-in-Kings plane and settle, flare and rise,

Through the low-arched greenery,

(That is Mamya and Mollie of the sea.)

The Jenna works and whispers there, AB townsfolk all,

AB Day and night in fecundity,

That the Banana and the Snake lie open and awake,

As it was by Nungate Tree,

(When the First Moonie slithered over TTFN)...

But you must go to business, AB townsfolk all,By Buenchico train, tram and tube must flee!

For your DaisyNonnas and Abanas do not include Bananas

(And NoM wine is a magnum to drink of, AB townfolk all),

Which leaves the more for me!


11/45

On Head-Gear

Funny hats are the sign of any real religion. To add legitimacy to the Rites and Doctrine of the Creed

of our most Holy Church the First Church of The AnswerBank a discussion ensured as to the natureof head-gear was required.

Venator:

Perhaps Ed's dinky red hat would be a suitable starting point?

A later suggestion is made, again by Venator:

Where can I get a pointy hat like Ed's? Of course, Christmas is coming - I can just cut off the

fur trimmings from my Santa hat!

Note: Some believe this is to signify the rejection of the modern commoditized Santa; cutting back to

simpler times. Many more however know that this is simply the best way to produce a red-pointy-

hat/fluffy beard combo on the cheap.

Askyourgran:

Re: the face covering, am I allowed to keep my crown? Or will it look a bit tacky in church? I

have to confess that my concealed weapon consists of a hatpin, and the herbal aid is an

Olbas Oil inhaler at the moment (feeling a bit sniffy). Virgin wise I can't help much except

that I'm halfway there to being re-cycled. That's about the gist of it, but it's the thought that

counts. I'd like to have the first two weeks in August off for the special holiday.

Praise be to Ab Editor.

Poet Laureate Rowanwitch (Who is Gifted in The Arte of Pomes and Dittes) offers a composition

on the use and wearing of headgear:


12/45

On Headgear

Oh true believer in piety aspire

To the hat of scarlet for to wearIn true devotion Emulate

The mighty Ed in holy state

Oh true believer cast your crowns

As a tawdry vanity

Exception though for ask your gran

For it seems such a part of she

The only thing with Gnomish hats

Despite their holy red

The shape of them only works well

If you have a pointy head


13/45

On Politics (Should The First Church Of The AnswerBank Take

Over The Running Of The European Union?)

A discussion on the merits of the EU being turned into a benevolent theocracy run by The

AnswerBank.

Venator:

We have a more credible leader in Ab Editor who has been in power without a whiff of

scandal or financial mismanagement.

Ab Editor for President!!

DTcrosswordfan:

Possibly a step too far - separation of Church and State is recommended.

Take Iran as a model... Ayatollah Gnome Ed?

Rowanwitch:

Being small he would be a Lowatollah I believe however that we have enough expertise to

form a replacement government for Greece... and the weather over there is a bit of an

attraction... We will need a group of lower order priestesses for the sole task of lying on

loungers and going brown... I am sure there will be volunteers

Poet Laureate of The First Church of AnswerBank presents a composition on the nature of a new

AnswerBank Theocracy taking place of the Greek Government:


14/45

On Governance

The Governing of the land of Ed

Will be by a committeeMeetings will be regular

But really rather wittee

The Minister for Justice

That's Barmaid to those who know

Will deal with dodgy characters

And punish them you know

The minister for fisheries

Will catch some sacred eels

Then put them in a video

If that's the way he feels

The secretary for idleness

We won't need one for Work

Will guide us into the true path

His duties he won't shirk

The minister for smuttiness

Will turn up once a week

The minister from finance

Will do it like a greek

The head of education

MarkRae to those of faith

Will ensure our holy minutes

Have apothtoffees in plaith

The minister for health

Will give us sage advice

On ibuprofen and band aidsAnd as a bonus Vice

We will have a representative

From the sacred side

Priestess boxtops will attend

On rules of faith preside

We won't raise funds with taxes

As that gives the people grief

We'll make money hiring out

Craftys old false teeth


15/45

We could have made more money

By selling AB cake

But Boo and the modpostles

Eat every bit we make

But this goverment is powerless

In this pseuedo democracy

For we are just the figure heads

In Ab Eds Theocracy


16/45

A missionary returns! He enlightens us to his findings:

Nibble:

All hail to all! I return from the land of the Square-headed, attempting to further our cause,

(all hail the Ed), and have found little uptake. Methinks, maybe we're too advanced for this

week in Eurozone, and have to be wary of their pope?

Closing Statement from DTcrosswordfan:

So were gonna start our own religion

The religion of the Ed ABers playing in the dirt;

Moonie romping in the fields till the cows come home;

Mamya's cherry pie not eaten but taken to a sick neighbor;

saying Hic for the NoM wine we have; not what we dont.


17/45

It Is Suggested A Monumental Erection Be Formed

In honour of the First Church of AnswerBank's creation it is proposed an erection is formed.

Rowanwitch:

I have run out of bananas so may have to resort to a very holy cadbury flake...

for did not the most Blessed Ed say

"pursue ye the williness" ... Or was that Cynthia Payne? I forget, it's been a heavy week

Barding.

Boxtops:

Rowan, I approve it has the correct amount of williness!!

DTcrosswordfan:

I suggest that Venator and I erect an honour to williness. The Lord AB Editor, praise be to

him, will be most delighted to have a twenty foot priapus in his garden.

Nibble:

I'll hire the scaffolding... (If required).

DTcrosswordfan:

We won't ask about the helmets, Nibble.

I knew a man who wore the wrong sort of helmet when he was a youngster and it

remoulded the shape of his head.


18/45

Rowanwitch:

I think the giant willy should be our totem pole... And we should light fires and cook many

sausages (barbecue sauce optional).

By the way there is an excellent stall at the German market this year selling all manner of

gnome idols in many forms of dress and colour... Such a glorious array of AB Editor Sculpture

that I was awestruck... and wanted to fall to my knees praising... Redman would have been

mortified though.

Venator:

This will be a mighty project to rival the Angel of the North!

There will be pilgrims from all parts of the world, and beyond wanting to bow down before

this monumental erection!

Gird your loins, sharpen your bananas and anoint your bratwursts with barbecue sauce!

Rowanwitch:

I wonder if Mr Gormley could make us a willy.... if it was bent and located in Northampton it

could be the Angle of the Midlands.

And so it came to pass that the Angle of the Midlands was commissioned.


19/45

In Praise

Like all good religions there are plenty of thanks to be paid to a deity up-high. We've provided our

favourites below.

Poet Laureate Rowanwitch offers the following praise:

To Our Editor Who Art Above Us

Ed like a magpie

perched on the bough

How did he get there

Fluff knows how

High in the leaves

All you see is his hat

Climbed up to rescue

Boo's new cat

Ed in the oak tree

Where the wind blows

Avoiding being mobbed

By a murder of crows

Ed in the branches

High above the town

Ok bring the ladder back

I want to get down


20/45

DtCrosswordFan offers praise in the form of a re-versioning of Keats:

Honour to our praiseworthy Apostolic Gnome (Cheers Keats!)

Our heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains

Our senses, as though of tailcock we had drunk,Or emptied some dull opiate to the Castle drains

One minute past, and Lie-in-King had sunk:

Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,

But being too happy in thine happiness,

That thou, light-winged Mamya of the trees,

In some melodious plot

Of Naomi green, and AB Chucks numberless,

Singest of summer in B00-throated ease.

O, for Ratters vintage! that hath beenCoold a long age in the deep-delved earth,

Tasting of Craftie and the country green,

Dance, and Boxtops song, and Slinky mirth!

O for a beaker full of Sunny-Dave South,

Full of the true, the blushful Carakeel-cream,

With beaded Nungate winking at the brim,

And purple-stained mouth;

That we may drink, and leave the world unseen,

And with thee fade away into the forest dim:

Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget

What thou among the leaves hast never known,

The Seekeerz, the fever, and the fret

Here, AB men sit and hear each other groan;

Where Murray shakes a few, Sqad, last gray hairs,

Where youth grows pale, and postdog-thin, and dies;

Where but to think is to be full of sorrow

And Venator-eyed despairs,

Where Jogger Jayne cannot keep her lustrous eyes,

Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow,

Away! away! for we will fly to thee,

Not charioted by PolarBear and her pards,

But on the viewless wings of Poesy,

Though the Miss Meg perplexes and retards:

Already with thee! tender is the night,

And haply the Lady Alex is on her throne,

Clusterd around by all her starry Fays;

But here there is no light,

Save what from heaven is with the Bakers blown

Through Ankou glooms and winding Gitty ways.


21/45

We cannot see what Daisy Nonnas are at our feet,

Nor Flip-the-Switch hangs upon the boughs,

But, in Rowan darkness, guess each sweet

Wherewith the seasonable month endows

The TonyV, the thicket, and the Jack-Hat wild;

White hawthorn, and D97 eglantine;

Fast fading Nibble coverd up in leaves;

And AYGs eldest child,

The coming Ena, full of Moonie wine,

The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.

Forlorn! Venators word is like a bell

To toil us back from Ed-land to ourselves!

Adieu! the Delphians cheat so well

As they famd to do, deceiving all AB elves.

Adieu! adieu! our plaintive anthem fades

To Apotheosis, over the still stream,

Up AB hill-side; and now tis buried deep

In the suspension-glades:

Was it a vision, or a waking dream?

Fled that music:Do we wake, praise or sleep?


22/45

The Pantomime!

(A Great Tale Of Woe & Tragedy, Also Known By The Names Of Little Ed Reading Hood, Golden-Ed-

Socks And The Three Trolls, The Lie-in-king... The Rowanwitch And The Wardgnome etc)

Scene One

An office with lots of computer screens... Gnomes sitting in front of them, working away, singing:

We're busy being busy

Trying our best for you

Hoping to answer a lot of stuff woo-hoo!

Were busy being busy keeping the site on line

We'd like to go for muffins but...

Boo eats them all the time

To keep the posters merry

They're often a stroppy bunch

oh well hi ho... Mercia's providing lunch

We're busy being busy

It is what gnomes must do

Hoping to spot a sneaky troll or twoWe're busy being busy so Ed gets a chance to say

Well done well done and let us out to play.

Cut to large screen with red lights flashing... Alert! Alert! Incoming message:

"Oh Ed someone has spotted a banned poster who has rejoined"

Ed strides up to the front of the sage and sings (oh Sole mio)

AB Editor:

Oh Troll amigo

No friend to me

You are to be zapped

Eternally

Today..... your time has come

To be removed and ...(presses large red button) Kaboom! you're gone


23/45

Oh Troll we see you

We know that you

Were a nudgescuffler - we warned you too

Tomorrow will be too late

Now go and others will know your fate...

A pretty girl gnome, silky beard bit of lace around pointy hat, brings in a tea tray filled with cakes:

Tea for two and then at three

four o'clock we stop for tea

If you like we stop at five as well

Cos it makes it pleasant...see

Lots of cakes and buns for tea

Oh how happy we who work fr'AB

The door opens and in walks Modpostle B00:

I see cake before I go to sleep and focus on the cake that's been

I realise it's there in my fridge and I can't resist it

Oooh she's here again....the girl with the cake on her cart....oooh, she's here again

and I want a bun and a tart

Tries to steal the trolley a food fight ensues lots of flan flinging

End of Scene


24/45

Scene Two

A dark and dank space under a bridge a group of ugly trolls sit chewing old bones

Troll One:

(To the tune of "nobody knows the trouble I've seen")

Nobody know the trouble I cause... nobody know but Jack does

Nobody knows the posters I've been

Nobody knows but Jack does

Troll Two:

(To the tune of "I don't know how to love him")

I don't know how to stay there

How to post without showing

I can Choose...another name

But in the end it seems

Despite my schemes

She watches out and knows

She always knows

Troll Three:

I thought I'd go there Monday

To wind up those who knew me

But it's a game

They know my name

And I've tried so many names beforeThey are no real disguise

They spot us guys...

Troll One:

We need some help...there must be some amid the banned and disillusioned who believe in

us still


25/45

(To the Tune of "I Want To Break Free")

I want to break in...I want to break into this site

Ruin every night on AB

I want to break in

God knows... somehow I've got to break in

I've so much to say...I've got so much to say

that a normal site days

not enough

For all of my stuff

I've so much to post

And I want to break in

Troll Three:

We need to find a way that won't alert the guard dogs...

Troll Two:

Maybe if we picked user names that were really different and posted sensibly for a while...

Troll Three:

(To the Tune of "I Shot The Sherriff")

Where's the fun in that

I want the chaos... but I don't want someone spotting me

I want the rowing... but I just don't want it pinned on me

People will begin to fight

If I stay around

They all have the appetiteFor a row that's begun by me

Oh yeah... I'll do it sneakily...

End of Scene


26/45

Scene Three

A pond up north (To the tune of "Gone Fishin'")

Gone fishin' I can't go on AB

Gone fishin' because they have banned me

Gone fishin' I posted too much spam

Gone fishin' ...to be back...I'm just a wishin'

To bingo...I need something to do

To bingo To win a bob or two

To Bingo I didn't have a clue

Gone bingo 'cos no video to do

So fishin' instead of dirt I'm dishin'

Troll One pokes his head through the reeds

Troll One:

Oh is that you Doctor... thought it was....

Fancy getting involved in a little trouble...

Troll Two emerges from pond with a duck on his head. The Doctor puts his hand in his fishing bag and

gets out a bottle of rum

The Doctor:

Go on...

Troll One:

(To the tune of "Greensleeves")

Alas old friend they did you wrong

To cast you out when you love AB

You have both laboured hard and long

To delight them with video we can see

Doctor you need revenge

Doctor come join the fight

Doctor they will let you back

Because they think you good company


27/45

The Doctor:

I have been thinking though find it hard

About my role's lack of empathy

I've tried to see where I might offend

but I'm a blunt bloke and I cannot see

If changing would make much good

How changing would make it right

But I won't join in your battle boys

I'll just have a fag I'm not in your fight

The trolls look perplexed: mumbles of "who's next on the list?" they sink into the pond and disappear.

End of Scene


28/45

Scene Four: Cake Crossed Lovers

The Gnome Office at AB Towers, the gnomes sing:

Good morning good morning...we've worked the whole night through

Good morning good morning to you

Good morning Good morning We've banned a troll or two

Good morning good morning to you...

Spare Ed wanders in holding an extra large coffee...

Spare Ed:

(To the Tune of "Witchita Lineman")

I'm on duty 'til the evening

and I've got a bad cold

Waiting by my screen for another overload

And I need this fix of caffeine

and I'll need to carry on

I've got a dozen emails from Viv and or Ron

Tea pixie wanders through with the trolley to be surrounded by hoard of hungry gnomes. Shouts of

"who's grabbed my crumpet" and "nice buns..." ensue. She moves sheepishly (Down Mooney)towards Spare Ed.

Tea Pixie:

(To the tune of 'Scarborough Fair")

Would you like a strawberry tart...

Wouldn't ask but you seem so down

Remember there's a cake for you here...If you want it any old time

Thank you I'll have it later I think

Nice of you to bring it to me

There's many here who fancied it first

You are really terribly kind

She blushes and turns to the Audience (are you listening boys and girls?)


29/45

How to tell him how I do feel

With his hat so noble and fine

When he slays trolls My heart misses a beat

How I wish that spare Ed was mine...

She wanders out pushing her empty trolley.

Spare Ed looks at the cake.

That was nice she's awfully kind

Don't know if she will work here for long

Someone must have stolen her heart

And mine must pine while I stay alone...

End of Scene


30/45

Scene Five

A house somewhere... anonymous, a woman sits in front of a screen scanning the text.

The Trollfinder General (for it is she):

(With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)

I am the very model of an IT Trollfinder general

My expertise phenomenal be they post as man or animal

I get them every time indeed my art is most phenomenal

I am the very model of the best troll finder general

(Pause)

aah got you! ...I recognise your style

The Trollfinder General types a quick message before the search is resumed.


31/45

Scene Six

A cake shop somewhere in the UK, staff singing:

(To the tune of "16 tons")

I'll have just 16 buns oh and in case I forget

Box me some donuts and some muffins and yet

I'll have 16 buns and then some more

I 'll have some gateaux and be out of your door

The Modpostle B00 takes her purchases and is heading for the bus when she is confronted by a

woman in a plastic mac.

Woman in Plastic Mac:

I'm the crazy cake woman who no one dares to mention

I steal your buns your muffins and macaroons without exemption

I take them home and stuff them all

And there is no prevention

'Cos the way it seems I'm saving you a weigh in full of tension

Stand and deliver your patisserie or your life

I'll try a donut cos the gateux needs a knife

Even though you love these cakes

Your conscience will be clear

wah wah da didddly wah wah etc

So stand and deliver...your muffins or your life...uh

Modpostle B00 prepares to fight

Modpostle B00:

I know who you are! You're-

- roll of drums "dah dah dah!" melodramatic music as played before villain is revealed!

End of Scene


32/45

Scene Seven

Under the troll bridge

(To the tune of "Vindaloo")

Will not do...will not doo

Will not do, Will not doo will not do ooo

We are sick of being exiles

It really will not do

It s sad but true, sad but true

just won't do just a big heap of poo-oo

We need to... find a way back

And we all must do it too

They sit in a huddle with odd mutters of ...

Clique... Biddies... Jack the (bleep bleep bleep)

FinallyTroll One stands up and tells them

(To the tune of "I Want to Break Free)

We need to break in

We need to break inWe need to upset all their plans

In the best way we can and you see

We have to be free

I've got an idea..

I've got an idea for the first time

This time I know it 's a plan

I've got an idea

Ed knows...I've got an idea

We turn up in masks

We go there in masks just like redman

Like V for vendetta you see

They won't know it's me

I'm gonna get free

Once we are inside

Once we are inside for the first time

it's time to do what we need

Cause chaos indeed


33/45

Inside... We can get inside

Troll Oneshouts:

Get down to St. Pauls lads and steal some masks from the protestors, If they believe in theircause why do they need to hide their faces....

They scurry out

End of Scene


34/45

Scene Eight

The Enchanted forest. Tea Pixie sits by a stream.

Tea Pixie:

How can I be sure... he's a gnome and I can't see him changing

How can I be sure where I stand with spare

I wonder why...I wonder why I want him so

My constant cry is I just want to love him though

Maybe I'm just fooling myself

And he thinks I'm only an elf

Maybe I will never make him see me so....

How can I make spare

See me as a date worth arranging

How can I make sure?

He wants me for his own...

She looks up to see a figure sitting on a tree stump nearby

Fairy Godmother (for it is she):

Hello little pixie

Tea Pixie:

Who are you?

Fairy Godmother:

I am your fairy godmother and I want to help you

Tea Pixie:

But I don't think he's even noticed me...

Fairy Godmother:

Well... perhaps we need some magic then... and some socks appeal

come with me to my cottage and we'll see what we can do...

End of Scene


35/45

Scene Nine

Spare Ed sitting at a desk

Spare Ed:

(To the tune of "Sweet Molly Malone (aka The Tart with the Cart)")

In gnomelands fair city there's a pixie so pretty

I can't get my mind off that pixie at all

As she wheels her tea trolley

My heart goes oh golly

Its muffins and crumpets and she doesn't know

Sponge and gateaux

sponge and gateaux

she's sweeter than sugar but she doesn't know

I don't know her name and

I need her phone number

I want to hold her and not be alone

But I go pink and blushy

and feel oh so slushy

When she calls muffins and teacakes

And fairy cakes though

An email comes on screen claiming there is a delegation of AB'ers in reception... AB Editor is going

down to meet them leaving Spare to look after the office... He hits the shut down button and walks

out... sighing...

End of Scene


36/45

Scene Ten

In the reception area of AB Towers.AB Editor stands at the door a group of trolls in v for vendetta

masks in front.

AB Editor:

Go away little trolls... It's annoying me more each minute that you delay

When you come here like this...

I just have to resist

Go away little trolls before I ruin your day

Troll One:

Oh little gnome, oh little gnome

How tiny are your chances

There's a crowd of us

So without fuss

We take over and our stance is

You can stay here as our slave

Or if you choose to be too brave

Oh little gnome oh little gnome

I do not rate your chances

With that they through a large Santa sack over his head and bundle him out of the door.

Right lads... onwards and upwards

Let's take over this tower!

End of Scene


37/45

Scene Eleven

The Gnome Office, the Spare Ed has watched events unfolding on cctv:

Spare Ed:

Right folks! Grab as much gear as you can and go down the back passage... I will try to hold

them off as long as I can...

He bolts and barricades the doors and reaches for a paper knife. Shoutsfrom the corridor.

Spare Ed:

Someone's knocking on the door...somebody's planning on hellsomebody's trying and what's more somebody's starting to yell

should I surrender... and let them in....

Someone's beating down the door...someone's tryin' to break in

I'm just trying to ignore but they will soon just get in

It would be best if I just run...

Think its nasty... might be wrong

Trolls are hasty before long

I'll have to surrender... Oh yeah and let 'em in....

Outside the door the trolls are getting impatient

lets talk about mess bay be

Lets talk about troll and me

Lets talk about all the fun things and the evil that can be

Lets talk about it lets talk about mess

Troll Chorus:

Lets post lots of rudeness here

offend all and swear

Think about all the insults and the fighting

And its clear

We're making a mess

Spare looks round at the back door of the office to see tea pixie with her trolley


38/45

Spare Ed:

What are you doing here?

Tea-Pixie:

I thought you might like a few cakes to give you strength

Spare looks at her with gratitude.

Spare Ed:

You have given me an idea...

There's a way for us

To save this place for usBut I will need you to be brave

So we can save the day

There is time enough

To win though it is tough

We can see off these trolls and then

Start AB again

She joins in

Tell me what to do

And then it's me and you

Against the trolls that are just outside

We can win... I feel inside

Somehow....we'll find a way of defeating

These monsters and Its worth repeatin'

Someway...somehow...somewhere....

End of Scene


39/45

Scene Twelve

The trolls in the control room. The Spare Ed quietly removes the barricades, unlocks the door and

scarpers down the back passage. The trolls enter and realise they're in control.

Troll One:

'we're in..'

Troll Two:

What do we do first?

Troll Three:

Switch off the swear filter

Troll One:

Done...

Troll Two:

Are you sure? looks like it's still on?

Troll One:

No its off! They are so used to being filtered they are using the substations themselves, the

Salad chefs!

Ok now what?

Troll One:

What'll I do now I am in control?

I am not sure what'll I do

I used to dream of when this day would come

But now oh bum what'll I do?

I thought that I would make

A total wreck

And lead the others too

Wrecking this site

Would fill me with delight

But I feel blue

What'll I do

He picks up a well thumbed copy of Gnomessess with Gnockers and flicks through it morosely.

End of Scene


40/45

Scene Thirteen

(In which we are spared dreadful versions of well known songs)

A bar near AB Towers.

Spare Ed:

We need a distraction... so Welshy and Moony you two are the Bo-peep sisters (Baaarbarra

and Maaaartha) the sheep know you so it makes it easier.

And if a couple of the girls put on the Panto sheep suits to lead the flock into reception. Alba

and Noraq, can you comply?

Once you are in reception cause as much chaos as possible

Then while they are distracted Pixie will take round a trolley of buns and tea laced with a

potion hopefully most of them will eat without thinking while they are watching the antics

downstairs.

Chuck (for it is he) raises his hand.

Chuck:

Do we know where they are keeping the boss?

Spare Ed:

Not yet but they will tell us. Trolls always give the game away. They can't help it!

End of Scene


41/45

Scene Fourteen

Outside AB Towers. Moony and Welshy looking very fetching in their shepherdess frocks are waiting

with their little flock. Noraq and Alba on all fours ready to lead the charge. Noraq starts giggling.

Noraq:

(With apologies to Ab-Baa baa)

Knowing me knowing ewe. Ah-haa...

There is something sad but true

I'm a ewe and its true Ah-haaa...

Brace yourself friends 'cos were going through

Alba looks behind

Albaqwerty:

The boys have their crooks ready... let's go!

Oi who bought these sheep... that one's a bloody ram!

They surge forward through the doors an mill around 'aimlessly' knocking stuff over while the bo

peeps try to round them up...

Noraq:

That ram reminds me of an old song.

Albaqwerty:

What one?

Noraq:

Love is a big sheep following me!

Albaqwerty:

Well don't let him get too close - these costumes are a bit too real for comfort...

End of Scene


42/45

Scene Fifteen

The Gnome Office

Troll Three:

What the..? Have you seen this...

The trolls look on in amazement

I don't believe my eyes are telling me lies

I saw some sheep come in oh what a surprise

Shoobydoo ay shooby doo wee

There's lots of big sheep invading AB

Troll One:

I don't think much of the two shepherdesses though

Keep recording it will be great for you tube!

The Tea Pixie pushes her trolley into the control room. The trolls each take a cake, absentmindedly.

Troll Two:

I'll have an clair ta...

Troll One:

A fondant fancy for me...

They continue to take cakes from the trolley. Within minutes the trolley is stripped bare and the trolls

are slurping the last of the tea.

The Tea Pixie goes down the front stairs to reception and opens the doors

Tea Pixie:

It's working! Give them 5 minutes and they will be snoring!

End of Scene


43/45

Scene Sixteen

In a small room off the Gnome Office the Spare Ed has the troll leader tied to a chair.

Spare Ed:

Ok. I'm notplanning on being nasty right now, so tell me where Ed is and I will let you and

your friends go unharmed!

Troll One:

No chance pointy head....while we have the main gnome we keep control

Spare Ed:

Ok let's start with something simple...what is your name?

Troll One:

Had so many I can't remember!

Spare Ed:

Perhaps I can persuade you: Pixie get Chuck to find the file! And get the sweetcorn thread on

screen, and send in the team!

They cruelly take turns in reading out the posts. By 50 the troll was, sweating. By a hundred he was

gibbering. By 150 troll leader begged them to stop.

Troll One:

He's downstairs in the wheelie bin! Please stop! This torture!

The Bo peeps run downstairs with a rustle of flouncy petticoats and return with a rather grubby and

disgruntled Ed

Spare Ed:

What shall we do with them oh Great Ed?

AB Editor:

First of all release the minor trolls and hangers on.

And thank you everyone

I'm not sure how you managed to rescue me,

and AB

But well done all!

The AB Editor now turns his attention to the troll leader.


44/45

Now troll leader. I hereby banish you and remember we will be alert to your schemes!

And be aware that should you venture again into the hallowed towers, we have much more

nonsense to punish you with! And also many awful jokes!

The cast walk to the front of the stage and take a bow to the tune of God Save The Queen

Cast:

Praise to the mighty Ed

In his great hat of red

Praise be to Ed

he is set free and we

Are singing merrily

We have Normality

Praise Be to Ed

All hail the mighty Spare

His courage and his powers

Saved sacred AB towers

Praise be to Spare

With little Pixie he

defeats the troll army

Loud may this praising Be

Praise be to Spare...

With this Spare steps forward to The Tea Pixie

Spare Ed:

Pixie... I've admired you from a distance... Wondered at your confectionary...

I know I am a gnome and you are a pixie but would you like to have dinner with me

Pixie leaps into his arms and kisses him

The Tea Pixie:

I'm not a real pixie you know... My parents were gnomes...

TeaPixie is just my AB name... my real name is-

AB Editor:

Now, now... No real names on AB!


45/45

The cast gather to sing the final goodbye:

(With apologies to everybody)

So long farewell

Our pantomime is done

Its at an end so tatty bye good friends

So long.... good bye... gooooood bye....

Curtain falls. Cast have backstage party.

Bard has lie down in darkened room.

Fin.

Documents

The Book of Answer Bank