8/6/2019 The best conversation I had was the one I had with myself... in a dream

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The last great conversation I had with someone ,was a while ago . The only thingis , the things the person said to me were so very complex it was a little difficult to comprehend. Fortunately, this person would write theses things down soIcould grasp the concepts. I would keep these notes as I have for the past 5 year

s, and reflect upon them . They always had a deeper richer meaning later. A certain choice of words such as MINDSET would play an inevitable role in how the words that were chosen to be used had their effect on me. The fact that I knew Iwasliving life on the edge of my dreams told me that If I wanted to comprehend thewisdom that was being imparted to me I had to "Delve Deeper and Think Higher. U

pon reviewing some notes that Id collected over the years I found one thatsaid .....LEAD. As I began to think back the word came to me again .Where hadI seen this word before, and why does it mean so much now?.......LEAD.LEAD, FOLLOW OR GETOUT OF THE WAY.Those were the first words I read in kindergarten. It was writte

n on a plaque above the alphabet next to the flag. My teacher Mrs Eldridge wouldhave us recite it after the Pledge of allegiance. (Instead of looking at the fl

ag, I would belooking at the plaque and pledging allegiance to that . I'm jus sa

yin ) It wasa period where LEADERS led and people followed. I like to refer to it as a timewhen we began to combine our traditional values with a comtemporary view. A short time later Martin Luther King was asassinated. The entire course ofhistorywas being changed and challenged simutaneoulsy The civil rights movement,Woodstock ,flower children , Vietnam, Apollo moon landing and Walter Cronkite.I learned of the things that were going on in the world by Walter Cronkite. TV

was relatively new . I don't even think it was in color at the time . An abusivestep father had me stand in the corner for hours on end. So I HEARD the news. Iwould hear Walter tell the viewers how many American casualties occurred . . Th

oughI was forced to stay in the corner, I remember looking over my shoulder andseeing the medics carrying wounded soldiers to the helicopters and the journalists telling their stories.I would hurry and turn my head around back in the cornerbefore the step man would turn it around for me. Some times if I didn't turn it

quick enough there would be the belt or cane across my back to teach me the lesson. It was like that for the first 18 years of my life. The physical scars doheal over time (most of them anyway) but the deeper unseen emotional scars (horrific nightmares of torture and abuse as a child) that's something entirely different. . As an adult I engrossed myself into books to help me understand me. Therapists were not at the top of the lis.t I didnt want to sit and discuss whatwas wrong with me, (I was told that for the first years of my life .I didnt wantto repeat that to a thrapist). Only I would ask myself the the questions but only whenI was ready to deal with the answers. I wanted to seek a different pathto LEAD me to what was right with me. Its diffucult to do that when someones looking forwhats wrong. ( by the way, do therapists go to therapy ?Im jus sayin)I didnt want to go back and relive the horror to someone else .I wanted to be strong enough

to be able to do this on my own". Greater is he that is in me thanhe who is inthe world', became my source of inspiration and dictated that there's a lesson to be learned. Id finally gained closure to that dark chapter in life only recently. It wasnt until 2002 that the nightmares stopped. I used to be afraid to dream as a child beacause I would always end up being beaten or tortured in them bymy stepfather. To make matters worse I would wake up to the verything I was having a nightmare about only to relive it again in real life. Thiswent on for years. In 1981 when I turned 18 I escaped my abuser (this time Ididnt get caught andbeaten)and went to NC. For six months after that I lookedover my shoulder in fear to see if the step man was coming.(lets not forget had those nightmares untilI was 39 years old) A freind of mine happened to be passing by when they noticedme thrashing in the bed. Despite the fact that I wasbeing beaten in the dream,

there was something about it I will never forget. Iremember hearing the words" D

ont treat him bad". Luckily someone heard me repea

8/6/2019 The best conversation I had was the one I had with myself... in a dream

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t those words as they shook me awake from the horrific nightmare .It was the last nightmare that I had. That was 9 years ago. It was also at that time that I forgave the step man and chose not to harbor such resentment in myself for still being haunted by his abuse.But I never forgave myself..........But I did.....in my dreams. It was in my dreams that I approved myself to be tobe just who I am because I saw who I was. I saw what God sees. Not standing outin the crowd, yet st

ill being outstanding. Shouting out to the world I AM HERE! without saying a word. Making a difference by just being different. Exploringand challenging my contradictions because they are in a sense essentially a small part of who I am. I know I am more than that ( and so are you) IN my dreamsi would tellme You are more than your shortfalls and mistakes and yet not higher than your greatest achievements. During the dream, I would be having this one and only conversation withME and I would be telling me ," . You are greaterthan any obstacle that lay before you intending to defeat ."So I like to followmy dreams . The person in my dreams is inspiring me , is forgivinging me and is loving me is me. When I wake upand look at my reflection and recall certainthings like," allow the people in your life that love you, to love you, because they really do", that becomes a MINDSET. When I allow the people in my life that love me, to love me, just like this, imperfectly perfect , I ve found withinmy self a perfect love , in which there

is the forgiveness that I need to etxend to myself. When I look at my reflection and repeat those words I heard in the dream, it automatically determines the course of the day. It gives birth thethe exuberance , the nuances and spontenaeity of today.