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Music ReviewsSoundtracks for forgiveness

by Beverly Ingle / San Antonio-based freelance writer

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At this time of year, we ready ourselves for Rosh Hashanah(The New Year) and Yom Kippur (The Day of Atone-

ment). These High Holy Days bring many Jews to synagogue, many who are quite content to stay away for the rest of the year.

What is it about these High Holy Days that calls people to the synagogue? I believe it is the liturgy of forgiveness, for on these days we confess our sins to God and we ask God to forgive us.

Among the litany of wrongs we confess: heartlessness, selfishness, stubbornness. Misusing our minds, hardening our hearts, judging others, rejecting responsibility, and betraying trust. On and on we confess. We know we have done wrong, and we ask God for mercy, compassion and loving kindness. For pardon, for forgiveness.

What many of us forget is this: Showing up at synagogue only takes care of our wrongs against God. The rabbinic text Mishnah Yoma could not be clearer on this: For transgres-sions between human beings and God, Yom Kippur atones, but for transgressions between one human being and anoth-er, Yom Kippur does not make amends until the individuals put matters right between them. We have a responsibility to ask one another for forgiveness and a responsibility to forgive when asked.

Regardless of religious affiliation, the issue of forgiveness affects us all: Jew, Christian, Moslem, Buddhist, atheist and agnostic. Just walk into your local bookstore, and head to the psychology, philosophy, religion or self-help sections. See Forgiveness: Continued on page 3

The seductive appeal of asking for forgiveness can distract us from the harder work of forgiving others.

by Elana ZaimanRabbi, chaplain and writer

“Dear Paco, Meet me in front of the newspaper office at noon. All is forgiven. I love you.

—Your father.”

THE BANFORD BULLETINWINTER 2015A Banford Senior Community Publication

Forgiveness

P-1Caregiver Stress

P-2Inside Banford

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Sweet Forgiveness (album) — Bonnie Raitt, 1977 (remastered in 2001)Ms. Raitt’s voice is simply intoxicating, and when it’s laced with emotion as it is in Sweet Forgiveness, it is downright irresistible. Originally released more than three decades ago, the title song is timeless, an hom-age to bumbling love but with a determination to keep trying, wrapped up in a bluesy twinge that is classic Raitt. In a way, the song makes forgiveness a bit sexy. The whole of the album is bittersweet, with cuts such as “My Opening Farewell” and “Takin’ My Time” channeling the universal ache and yearning inherent in all relationships to create nearly 40 minutes of life’s soundtrack.

Forgiven, Not Forgotten (single) — The Corrs, 1995Remember the Corrs, the impossibly attractive quartet of Irish siblings who broke onto the music scene in the mid-’90s? Hailing from Dundalk, Ireland, and the Corrs blend delicious harmonies with a touch of Irish folk traditional melodies and some powerful vocals to create quite moving mu-sic. “Forgiven, Not Forgotten” resonates with anyone who has accomplished the sometimes arduous task of forgiveness, but who will never quite reach the nirvana of forgetting the transgression that was forgiven. Have a box of tissues handy; you may need it.

Ghosts That We Knew (single) — Mumford & Sons, 2012If you have yet to discover Mumford & Sons, an English folk/rock band that began its rise to promi-nence in the U.S. in 2010, a year culminating in two Grammy award nominations, grab the iPod of the nearest teenager and take a listen. I’ll bet you £20 you’ll find a few of their songs. A distinct blend of lightly accented vocals, the tinny sound of a banjo, and raw lyrics is the hallmark of Mum-ford & Sons. “Ghosts That We Knew,” first debuted during a live appearance on Radio 104.5 in Philadelphia. The response from fans was huge, and the song became regularly requested at Mum-ford & Sons’ live shows.

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Forgiveness: Continued from page 1 The number of titles is dizzying. Clearly, forgiveness is part of the hu-man condition, and we all labor with the task.

How do we go about asking others for forgiveness? And what if we are un-aware that we have hurt someone? We often cover every possible wrong by saying to all we know something like: “If I have hurt you over the past year, please forgive me.” Yes, it is a blanket statement, but at least it’s something. Some of us go deeper in assessing our own failures, to offer more specific apologies. Others prefer instead to be collectors of injustices, too consumed recalling the wrongs others have committed against us to consider the wrongs we ourselves have committed.

How do we respond when others approach us and ask for forgiveness? Do we decide that some hurts are too recent or too big to forgive? If we do choose to forgive (and it is most decid-edly a choice), do we do so completely and with an open heart, or do we hang

on to some splinter of a past wrong? If we do choose to forgive, what is our reason? Do we forgive because we un-derstand that carrying around our hurt and anger consumes us, and in order to live we must let our hurt and anger go? Do we do it out of fear that if we don’t forgive others then we might not be forgiven? Or do we seek to model God, the Master of Forgiveness, the One who year after year is willing to give us yet another chance?

I make it my practice each year to reach out to my immediate family and ask for their forgiveness. With my parents and my siblings, this is usually done by phone as we are on opposite ends of the country. With my husband and son the request is in person, indi-vidually. Most of the time my requests are blanket requests ... because as far as I know, I have not hurt the people I love beyond the day-to-day hurts for which I have already made specific amends. For having been forgiven thus far, I am grateful. It is no small thing to be forgiven.

There is a story told in Spain of a fa-ther whose rebellious teenage son ran away from home. This father searched for his son all over Spain but could not find him. As a last resort, he placed an ad in the Madrid newspaper that read: “Dear Paco, meet me in front of the newspaper office at noon. All is forgiven. I love you. Your father.”

The next day, 800 Pacos showed up. This story highlights the need we

all have to be forgiven, by someone, for something.

There is a statement in the High Holy Day liturgy that says, “God extends God’s hand to those who have done wrong.” In other words, God is willing to make the first move. If God is willing to make the first move, than maybe we, who are made in God’s image, would be wise to follow God’s example.

Since I am not getting any younger, I think it is time to dig deep within, to dust off some of the hurts I have tabled over the years because I was not yet ready to forgive them, and to face them head on. What about you? u

Happy fall! I’m pleased to provide you

with our new-look Senior Living Newsletter. Each issue will con-tain two stories that are appli-cable to you or your loved ones. One of the stories in this issue

focuses on forgiveness, a topic that profoundly encompasses so many aspects of our lives. At work and home, with friends and with family, the ability to admit ones mistakes and forgive those that are made is such a vital part of strong relationships. As a parent, as a business owner, and as a friend, I make my share of mistakes, and I strive to resolve those mistakes with honesty and integrity (I strive, I don’t always succeed!). And I appreciate the forgiveness that is graciously given to me at times. So I know I’ll find the tips useful in my life. I hope you will too. Best wishes, Sonia Fox

Sonia’s Letter

Sonia Fox — Pres. Banford Community

Banford Senior Community1202 Lamar Lane Banford, TX 78610soniaf@banfordliving.com

Inside BanfordHighlighting thePeople, Events and Actions that Make Our Community

Banford Senior care is proud to announce Dennis DeVoy as its 2014 Caregiver of the year. Dennis embodies Banford’s core value of “Love, the verb”. Love in action: to be committed, to be respectful, honest, forgiving, selfless, patient, humble and kind.

Dennis said he works at Banford because he feels good about giving seniors their independence and joy. He enjoys giving them more time to socialize, more time to get out of

the house, more chances to listen to music and enjoy their favorite things.

Dennis gives 110 percent to each of his clients, and their families appreciate ever moment he devotes to their loved ones. In addition to being Banford’s Caregiver of the year, he is in the running for both regional and national caregiver of the year. Wish him luck

Caregiver Café Calendar

• Fridays:Breakfast in the Café 8:30 – 11 am

• TuesdaysBingo in the café 2-3:30 pm

Denis DeVoyCaregiver of the Year

Caregiver of the Year Important Events

Caregiving has become a more commonly recognized and talked-about term in the last few years with an estimated 69 million unpaid caregivers, comprising 29 percent of the U.S. adult population. Almost 49 million of these unpaid caregivers are caring for adults only, while 12.9 million care for both children and adults. Each year, more and more baby boomers are faced with the burdens of caregiving for their parents, just when they finish raising their children. With the social trend of family members no longer living in the same city, long distance caregiving creates an additional set of complex challenges for the individual trying to routinely assess the loved one’s needs and coordinating the necessary support for them.

The weight of being a caregiver, especially for a family member with a chronic illness, can affect our health and well-being. —

by Eve M. Stern, RN, MS

Test Your Level of

Caregiver Stress

Caregiver stress: Continued on page 4

PHYSICAL HEALTHHave you noticed that your own health is suffering?

Are you experiencing sleep disturbances?

Do you have difficulty focusing on what you’re doing?

SOCIAL RELATIONSDo your family and friends say you’re stressed?

Has caregiving impacted your work performance?

Do you need more caregiving support from family members?

PERSONAL DEMANDSDo you feel isolated and that you’re “missing out on life”?

Do you worry that you should be doing a better job of caring for your loved one?

Does the amount of caregiving feel too overwhelming?

EMOTIONAL WELL-BEINGDo you feel emotionally drained?

Do you resent or feel angry about having to care for your loved one?

Do you feel you need more privacy?

TOTAL POINT VALUES:

POINTS

CAREGIVER STRESS TEST

Assess your level of caregiver stress by taking a quick five-minute test. Assign one of the following values to each statement in the caregiver stress test:

Never = 0 Rarely = 1 Sometimes = 2 Frequently = 3

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SCoRInG

Stress levels are easily managed. Evaluate your stress levels periodically to monitor increases.

Your stress level is tolerable but could benefit by asking for help and taking more time for yourself.

Consider taking some time off from caregiving to reduce stress.

Seek help from a professional agency, assisted living or caregiver to provide short or longer time relief from caregiving.

0-9 Minimal Stress

10-18 Mild Stress

19-27 Moderate Stress

28-36 Severe Stress

AddITIonAL ACTIon STEpS1. Learn about the condition of the person you are caring for. Chronicillnesses have stages of progression that require different care giving skills and capabilities.

2. Know what resources are available to help you. For example, homecare, adult day services, and other respite programs can provide relief to offer a break from caregiving. Many assisted living communities will also accommodate short stays.

3. Get connected. Caregivers often feel socially isolated. Learn toask for help from family and friends. Seek out support groups to find comfort from others in similar situations. Use the Internet to find oth-ers who can share their personal experiences and provide insights on dealing with caregiver challenges.

4. Remember to take care of yourself. If you exhaust yourself or getsick, you won’t be able to assist your loved one, which can trigger feelings of guilt. It’s hard to find a daily balance, but each day, try to make it a priority to eat healthy foods, take time out for yourself, and get a decent night’s sleep: all basic essentials for your own physical and mental well-being. n

Foot Notes:

1. National Alliance for Caregiving in collabora-tion with AARP. Caregiving in the U.S. (Novem-ber 2009).

2. Epel, E.S. et al. University of California, SanFrancisco. From the proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, December 7, 2004, Vol. 101, No. 49.

Many of us don’t self-identify as caregivers, yet we continuously provide unconditional care as part of our commitments or social obligations to the key relationships in our lives. However, the weight of being a caregiver, especially for a family member with a chronic illness, can affect our health and well-being. A recent AARP/MetLife study on caregiving in the U.S. reported that the typical caregiver averages 21.9 hours per week of caregiv-ing activities for an average duration of 4.6 years.1 The ability to sustain this effort on top of a paying job is bound to affect work productivity and absenteeism, which only compounds the stress of care giving.

Caregiver stress levels can be easily overlooked and, if not addressed, can lead to depression, fatigue, sleep deprivation, social isolation, poor nutri-tion, and even reduction of the caregiver’s lifespan by as much as 10 years.2 Overlay this with the financial impact of caregiving, and you have a recipe for suboptimal health.

Caregiver stress: Continued from page 2

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