The Ashes According To Bumble: Felled By The Cracker at the WACA

7/28/2019 The Ashes According To Bumble: Felled By The Cracker at the WACA

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HarperSportAn imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers

7785 Fulham Palace Road,Hammersmith, London W6 8JB

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2013

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David Lloyd 2013

David Lloyd asserts the moral right tobe identified as the author of this work

All photographs Getty Images with the following exceptions: page 1 (right),page 2 (top), page 5 (top right), page 6 (top) Popperfoto/Getty Images;

page 3 (bottom right), page 4 (all), page 6 (bottom left) Patrick Eagar via GettyImages; page 7 (top left) WireImage; page 7 (top right) AFP/Getty Images;

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THE ASHES ACCORDING TO BUMBLE

48

different parts, the other side of my protective box. They had

migrated south (and every other compass point imaginable

for that matter) the instant that a 3,000 mph Thomson thun-

derbolt shattered this plastic protector, turning it into some

kind of medieval torture implement.

For the particular delivery in question, I got myself too

square on and immediately knew there was trouble looming,

hoping beyond hope that I would get some bat on ball as it

climbed above stump level. Alas, no such luck. One of crick-

ets more interesting facts is that the first testicular guard was

used in 1874, yet it took another 100 years for the first helmets

to be worn. A relatively short time, I guess, for blokes to work

out that their brains could also play an important part in their

lives.

Of course, we are now so used to seeing blokes head outinto the middle for gladiatorial combat with every piece of

body armour imaginable. But we certainly didnt have things

like chest guards or arm guards back then. You would have

something resembling a thigh pad, although they were

nowhere near the thickness of the ones you see in kitbags

down your local club these days. These things were a bitflimsy to say the least. But being that way meant you had the

chance to slide a Readers Digest or your spare socks down

there too to provide extra protection.

Yes, the sight of batsmen wearing helmets was still in its

infancy, I wasnt using one, and I might as well not have been

sporting anything between my legs either for the good it did.This pink litesome was completely useless for the job it was

supposed to do. If you cant remember what these litesomes

looked like, heres a reminder: you can still see them in use


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In the Line of Duty

49

these days in bathrooms up and down the country you

know, those plastic things you keep your soap in.

Nowadays batsmen are much better protected around the

groin but this flimsy thing did more harm than good. Because

it was full of breath holes it splintered on impact and concerti-

naed my knackers. Suddenly, everything that was supposed to

be on the inside was now on the outside. If you want to get a tad

more graphic, imagine a cactus growing the wrong way out of

its pot. Then consider for a moment how that might feel

Was it any wonder that I jack-knifed straight onto my head?

Talk about being doubled up in pain. I lose my voice every

November in memory of that cracker in the knacker.

Number one priority once back in the dressing room was

to release my master of ceremonies from its snare: a pretty

unforgiving job for Bernard Thomas, who certainly hadntsigned up for that kind of thing when agreeing to be England

team physio. We didnt have any medical staff travelling with

us in those days, though, so suffice to say I was very grateful

for Bernards delicate handling of the situation. To be frank,

such was the stinging sensation, I wouldnt have minded a

personal visit from the Fremantle Doctor but in the end hadto settle for an hour or two of ice treatment once back in the

dressing room. Can you take the pain away but leave the

swelling? Id pleaded with Bernard upon retiring hurt.

You know as an England opener in Australia that you are

going to cop some, and the crowd at the WACA turned gladi-

atorial, egging their evil henchmen on the next morningwhen I resumed my innings. The hairs stood up on the back

of your neck walking to the crease anticipating a serious going

over. A combination of Perths extra bounce even these days


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The Ashes According To Bumble: Felled By The Cracker at the WACA