The Art ofHELPINGRobert R. CarkhuffNINTH EDITIONCopyright 2008, Possibilities Publishing, Inc.Published by: Possibilities Publishing, Inc.22 Amherst RoadAmherst, MA 01002800-822-2801 (U.S. and Canada)413-253-3488413-253-3490 (fax)http://www.possibilitiesschools.comAll rights reserved. Any reproduction in any media withoutwritten permission of the publisher is a violation ofinternational copyright law.Ninth EditionISBN: 978-1-59996-160-6Editorial services by Robert W. CarkhuffProduction services by Anctil Virtual OfficeCover design by Eileen KlockarsTABLE OF CONTENTSABOUT THE AUTHOR viiDEDICATION ixPROLOGUE xiACKNOWLEDGEMENTS xvI. INTRODUCTION 11. HELPING AS A WAY OF LIFE 5 For Better or Worse 8II. THE HELPING PROCESS 132. THE HELPEES CONTRIBUTIONINTRAPERSONAL PROCESSING 17 Involvement in Processing 19 Exploring Human Experiences 20 Understanding Human Goals 21 Acting upon Programs 22 Feedbacking Information 23 Summary 243. THE HELPERS CONTRIBUTIONINTERPERSONAL PROCESSING 25 Attending to Facilitate Involvement 27 Responding to Facilitate Exploring 29 Personalizing to Facilitate Understanding 31 Initiating to Facilitate Acting 33 Facilitating Feedback 35 Summary 37iiiIII. HELPING SKILLS 394. ATTENDINGINVOLVING THE HELPEE 43 Preparing for Attending 48 Attending Personally 52 Observing 59 Listening 67 Summary 755. RESPONDINGFACILITATING EXPLORING 83 Responding to Content 88 Responding to Feeling 92 Responding to Meaning 105 Summary 1126. PERSONALIZINGFACILITATING UNDERSTANDING 119 Interchangeable Base 125 Personalizing Meaning 127 Personalizing Problems 133 Personalizing HRD Problems 139 Personalizing Goals 144 Personalizing HRD Goals 150 Personalizing Decision Making 154 Summary 1617. INITIATINGFACILITATING ACTING 169 Defining Goals 174 Developing Programs 178 Developing Schedules 183 Developing Reinforcements 187 Preparing to Implement Steps 191 Planning Check Steps 195 Summary 199ivIV. SUMMARY 2118. RECYCLING THE HELPING PROCESS 215 Recycling Attending 224 Recycling Responding 225 Recycling Personalizing 226 Recycling Initiating 227 Summary 228EPILOGUE 239APPENDICES 243A. Feeling Word List 245B. HCD Levels of Functioning 247C. The Carkhuff Helping Model 249D. References 279INDEX 295vABOUT THE AUTHORDr. Robert R. Carkhuff believes that all human growth anddevelopment begins with relating.Dr.Carkhuffconsidershimselffortunatetohavebegunhis own career in helping and human relations. He was thefirst to define the interpersonal core of all helping and humanrelationshipsinoperational,andthereforeachievable, terms. The so-called Carkhuff model is specifically the sourceof all current systematic approaches to interpersonal relatingand,indeed,isgenerallythesourceofhumanresourcedevelopment approaches.Indeed, it is precisely this theme of Human Developmentthat defines Carkhuffs lifework. It begins with the most pro -found step: relating interpersonally. It culminates in a series ofspiralingexplosions:empoweringpeopletoactu alizetheirownhumanpotential.Itisinthecontextofthison-goingworkthatthisnintheditionofTheArtofHelpingis presented!viiDEDICATIONDedicated to Bernard G. Berenson, Ph.D., mylife-longcolleagueandpartnerinthescientificVoyage of Discovery.ixPROLOGUETo the Reader Upon Opening ThisBook:This is the ninth edition of The Art of Helping. Here is the data.Morethan700,000copieshavebeensoldoverthreedecades.Literally,millionsofpeoplehavebeentrainedinhelpingskills.Manymillionsmorehavebeenrecipientsoftheseskills.The effectsuponhundredsofthousandsoftheserecipientshavebeenresearched. We are very pleased with the results.PerhapsthemostimportantthingthatIcansayisthis:Wehave been an important part of an interpersonal skills revolution.This revolution began less than one-half century ago with the workofneo-FreudianslikeSullivan,Horney,andFromm,wascontin-uedbytheClient-CenteredandExistentialSchools,andfinally wasadoptedbytheBehavioristandTrait-and-FactorSchools.In1957,lessthan50yearsago,Rogersformulatedthenecessaryandsufficientconditionsoftherapeuticpersonalitychange:empathy, regard, congruence. We were so privileged to have thesegiants as our intellectual ancestors.It was left to us to operationalize these dimensions. It is, afterall,thetechnologicalmanifestationsofourconceptsthatmovehumankindtochange.Weweresuccessfulindevelopingthefirstdocumentedsystematicinterpersonalskills,orIPS,programs.Contrary to earlier theorists like Rogers, this meant that the skillswereoperationallydefinedandthereforelearnableandachiev-able. They made a difference in the lives of the helpers as well as in the lives of the helpees.xiIn1971,wepublishedthefirstIPSmodelinTheArtofHelping. Theimpactofthisworkhasbeendramatic.Before1971, there were few references in the literature to skills of anykind,letaloneinterpersonalandhelpingskills.Sincethen,thereferenceshavebecomevoluminous.Indeed,thewordsinterpersonalandskillsarelinkedtogetherinagrowthfulembrace. To be sure, all other IPS programs, however packaged,are derived from this original source. We are as proud today ofThe Art of Helping as we were then.Moreimportantly,TheArtofHelpingservedtointroducethetermsrespondingandrelating.Before1971,peoplealmost never interacted with others by using the pronoun you, letalonestatementssuchasYoufeel____orYoufeel____because____.Sincethen,mostproductivedialoguehasbeenbaseduponmakinginterchangeableYoufeelresponses.Inother words, for the first time in human history, people actuallybegan to relate consciously and skillfully by entering the framesofreferenceofothers.Imaginethat!Humankindsurvivedmillionsofprehistoricyearstolivetenthousandyearsassupposedlycivilizedpeople,yetitsmembersneverlearnedtorelatetooneanother.Perhapsthatiswhymuchofhumanhistory is so pathetic.And this is precisely the point that I would like to concludewith!Withrelating,humansmayempathicallyentertheexperienceofanyphenomenanotjusthumanexperiences.Theymaygeneratemoreusefulinformation,growthfulpeople,thinkingorganizations,expandingmarkets,productivecom -munities,resourcefulenvironments,generativesciences,andevennewuniverses.Anythingandeverythingispossible!Without relating, nothing is possible!xiiSolearnyourlessonswell.Thismaybethefirststepinavery long human journey. It has been for me. The life you savemay be your civilizations!Good Luck and Great Love,Robert R. CarkhuffxiiiACKNOWLEDGEMENTSIoweacontinuousandunpayabledebtofgratitudeto my colleague and friend, Dr. Bernard G. Berenson, ProfessorEmentus,CenterforHumanResourceDevelopment,American Inter national College, where we first developed theinterpersonalskillsorIPSprograms.Ourforty-fiveyearsofinterdependentprocessinghavebeenthesourceofmygreatest learning and personal development.I am particularly indebted to Don Benoit for his contribu -tionstothisedition.Iamalsoindebtedtothestaffofthe HRDCenteratAICfortheircontinuingsupport:DebbieAnderson,CindyLittlefield,SueMackler.Inaddition,IamappreciativeoftheadministrativeassistanceofBerniceCarkhuff, Robert W. Carkhuff, and the staff at HRD Press forthis ninth edition of The Art of Helping.January, 2008 R.R.C.McLean, VirginiaxvIntroduction1AH9_p1&2.qxd1/28/20088:23 AMPage 1AH9_p1&2.qxd1/28/20088:23 AMPage 2Wearebornwiththepotentialtogrownomore,noless!Thoseofuswholearntoactualizethispotentialwillknowlivesofuntoldfullnessandexcitement.Wewilldevelopgrowthresponsesthatwillenableustogoany -whereanddoanything.Thoseofuswhodonotlearntoactualize this potential will know lives of waste and tragedy.The choice is ours.31.HELPING AS A WAY OF LIFETogainaperspectiveonhelping,letuslisteninonasession between a helper and an adolescent helpee who isplagued by physical illnesses:Helpee: Things are so bad.Helper: Youre really desperate.Helpee: Im afraid I may do something bad to myself.Helper: Yourescaredbecauseyoureattheendof your rope.Helpee: Ive lost all my friends.Helper: Youre lost and alone.Helpee: Im failing at everything that Im doing.Helper: Youre losing control of everything.Helpee: Noweveryoneseesmeonlyintermsofmyillnesses.Helper: Youre furious because they dont treat you as awhole person.Helpee: I admit that I havent managed my own illness.Helper: Youre disappointed because you havent man -aged your part of the treatment.Helpee: But I cant stand the doctorgoing to her placeis like going into a hell hole.5Helper: Youactuallyfeelterrifiedbyhertreatmentprogram.Helpee: I feel myself being pulled in deeper and deeperinto the hole by the whirlpool.Helper: You feel hopelesslike no one can help.Helpee: Im willing to work on myself, but I dont want tobe treated like Im a nobody.Helper: Soyourewillingtoworkonyourpartofthebargain.Helpee: I promise Im going to work on it.Helper: Youre committed to your responsibilities but youwant to work with someone who accepts you.Helpee: I know I can do it if someone doesnt reject mefor who I am.Helper: So Im available and Id love to work with you.That night, the helper had a dream from which he awokewith a searing headache. He had fallen into a deep abyss,ahellhole. Hehadbeenpulledunderbyawhirlpool.Finally, before waking violently, in his dream, his own motherhad rejected him vehemently.The helper has incorporated the helpees experience. Hehas taken on her fears as if they were his. He has become atrue helper.6Theforegoingisaverbatimsessionofhelping.Iknowbecause I was the helper and my distressed granddaughterwas the helpee. Her crises were my opportunity to help. I hadto draw upon the same basework of empathy responding andoperational initiative that are proposed in this text: Attending to facilitate involving; Responding to facilitate exploring; Personalizing to facilitate understanding; Initiative to facilitate acting.These are the basic skills of helping. They are operationaland, thus, learnable and repeatable. They are impactful and,thus, measurable and growthful. They will change your livesand those of your loved ones as they have changed mine andmy loved ones.7For Better or WorseHelpingmakesthedifferenceinallhumanencounters!Expressionswemakedomakeadifferenceinthelivesofother people. It may be the frown on our foreheads. Or thebeginningofanod.OranunfriendlyphrasebeginninglikeYou people . . . Or an inappropriate initiative, ending likeYou must do this! Or a stinging punishment, You failedagain! Everythingmattersbecausealloflifesencountersmay be for better or for worse!Inthiscontext,thelargestbodyofevidenceeverputtogetherindicatesthatallinteractionsbetweenallhelpersandhelpeeshaveaforbetterorworse effectuponthehelpees(SeeFigure1-1).Inparent-child,teacher-student,counselor-counselee,husband-wife,andmanagement-workerrelationships,theconsequencesmayhavecon-structiveordeteriorativeeffectsuponphysical,emotional,intellectual and even spiritual functioning. In perspective, thefacilitativeorretardingeffectscanbeaccountedforbythelevelsofempathicrelatingthataresharedbyallinteractivehumanprocesses,independentoftheoreticalorientation.Children, students, counselees, spouses, workers of personsfunctioning at high levels of empathy improve on a variety ofcriteria, while those of persons offering low levels of empathydeteriorate on indexes of change or gain.8Asmaybeviewed,theeffectsofallhumanencountersmaybecumulativeanddevelopmentalorsubtractiveanddetrimental.High-relatinginteractionswillyieldforbettereffects; low-relating encounters will yield for worse effects.Havingstatedtheserelationships,itisimportanttounderstand that one powerful and continuing interaction mayreversethedevelopmentalordetrimentaleffects:onetrulypotent relationship may reverse a downward spiral; one trulyimpotent relationship may reverse an upward spiral.Forexample,apersonmaybewellnourishedindeveloping his or her human potential and, yet, reversed indirectionbyasingleencounterwitharetardingteacherorcoach or boss. Rejection, presumed or overt, may send thedevelopingpersonintoatailspin. Gettingcut fromatheatrical production or a ball team for which the person heldlifelong ambitions can be traumatic. Getting cut coldly canbe disastrous.Similarly,onesustainedfacilitativerelationshipbytrulyhelpfulpeoplemayreversealifetimeofretardingrela-tionships.Discoveringanewopportunityoranewdirection inoneslifemayreleasethatpersontodiscoverhisor her destiny.9This is precisely why we have professional helpers suchas counselors and therapists, ministers, social workers, andphysicianstoreversetheflowofretardingexperiences.These helpers may relate to their helpees experiences andempowerthemtodevelopnewandmoremeaningfuldirectionsintheirlives.Inthehandsofahigh-levelfunctioninghelper,gettingcutcoldly maybecomethecrisisthatunfoldsnewopportunitiespreviouslynotconsidered.Helping is a way of life!1011The HelpingProcess2AH9_p13&14.qxp1/28/20088:43 AMPage 1AH9_p13&14.qxp1/28/20088:43 AMPage 2The ingredients of a helping relationship are the skillsandinformationtheparticipantsbringwiththem.Thehelpeesbringwiththemtheirhistoryofexperience andtheircurrentabilitiestoprocessbothcognitivelyandaffectively.Thehelpersbringtohelpingtheirownexperiencesandtheirprocessingskillsbothcognitiveand affective.Together, helpers and helpees interact to facilitate theirmutual processingexploring, understanding, actingofthehelpeesproblemsandgoals.Thisistheessenceofhelping.152.THE HELPEES CONTRIBUTIONINTRAPERSONAL PROCESSINGTheAgeofInformationbringswithitextraordinarydemands upon our abilities to process information. Not onlyaretheinformationinputsofhumanexperienceconstantlychanging, they are also expanding exponentially. This meansthatmanypeoplebecomehelpeesbecausetheyareoverwhelmedbythefloodofinformationintheirlives.Formany,thisfeelingofbeingoverwhelmedistheveryreasonthat they seek help in the first place. Within helping, helpeesprocesstheinformationthattheyareunabletoprocessoutside of helping.17HELPEE PROCESSINGHelpeeprocessingisapersonalorintrapersonalpro -cess. The helpee relates to personally relevant experi encesand transforms these human experiences into human actionsforhumanpurposes.Intrapersonalprocessinginvolvesabasicsetofskills:exploringhumanexperience,under -standing human goals, and acting upon programs to achievethegoals.Lateronwemaylearntoteachthehelpeessystematicintrapersonalprocessingskills.Fornow,ashelpers,wewilllearninterpersonalprocessingskillsorhelpingskillstofacilitatethehelpeesmovementthroughthesephasesofintrapersonalprocessingexploring,understanding and acting.PHASES OF INTRAPERSONAL PROCESSING18PHASES OF INTRAPERSONAL PROCESSINGHELPEE:IEXPLORINGHuman ExperienceIIUNDERSTANDINGHuman GoalsIIIACTINGuponProgramsInvolvement in ProcessingBeforethehelpeescanprocesstheirexperiencesorexplore, understand and act on them, they must be involved.Involvementmeansthattheyarepreparedforprocessing bygivingtheirundividedattentiontopersonallyrelevantexperiences. When helpees are prepared for processing withothers, they are prepared to communicate their experiences.Thehelpeespreparetoinvolvethemselvesbyfocusingtheirattentionupontheirexperiences.First,theybringintofocus their values, or the meanings that they attach to things,bylookingwithinthemselves.Theymaybeginbyaskingthemselves about their reasons for seeking help. Their valuesmayfocusuponhandlingsomedifficultsituationoropportunity.Thisbecomestheirgoalinseekinghelp.Thehelpeesbegininvolvementinprocessingbyfocusinguponsome particular area of living, learning or working.PHASES OF INTRAPERSONAL PROCESSING19HELPEE INVOLVEMENT IN PROCESSINGHELPEE:PRE-HELPINGINVOLVINGExploring Human ExperiencesInvolvementleadstoexploringhumanexperience.Exploringmeansthatthehelpeesarelookingwithinthem -selves in order to determine where they are in relation to theirexperiences. They are focusing their thoughts and emotionsupon those experiences that are relevant to their values andintentions. The helpees explore where they are so that theycan understand where they want to be or need to be.We observe the helpees exploring when they communi -catepersonallyrelevantexperiences.Athighlevelsofexploring, the helpees share personally relevant experienceswithemotionalimmediacy:theycommunicatewhatisimportanttothematthatverymoment.Athighlevels,thehelpeesalsosharetheirexperienceswithspecificity:theydetailtheexperiencestheyareexpressing.Athighlevels ofexploration,helpeesexplorethemselvesbyexperiencingthemselvesaccurately.Explorationis,bydefinition,per -sonally relevant, experienced with immediacy, and expressedwith specificity.PHASES OF INTRAPERSONAL PROCESSING20HELPEE EXPLORING HUMAN EXPERIENCEHELPEE:PRE-INVOLVINGIEXPLORINGUnderstanding Human GoalsExploringhumanexperienceleadstounderstandinghumangoals.Understandingmeansthatthehelpeesaresearchingtoseetheimplicationsoftheirexperiences,identifying their problems, and defining their goals. Ultimatelythey are focusing their processing to generate remedies fortheirproblems.Thehelpeesattempttounderstandwherethey want to be or need to be so that they can act to get there.Weobservehelpeesunderstandingwhentheydescribethe meaning of their experiences. Helpees show their level ofunderstandingwhentheydescribetheirproblemsanddescribetheirroleintheirproblems.Athighlevelsofunderstanding, the helpees have clearly focused goals. Thismeans that they have expanded alternative courses of actionavailabletothembeforenarrowingtopreferredcoursesofaction.Theymayexpandcoursesbybrainstormingorbysystematically generating options. They may narrow coursesbyevaluatingthemintermsoftheirpersonalvaluesand/oraccordingtotherequirementstheirenvironmentsimposeuponthem.Athighlevelsofunderstanding,thehelpeesunderstand themselves with a high degree of accuracy.PHASES OF INTRAPERSONAL PROCESSING21HELPEE UNDERSTANDING HUMAN GOALSHELPEE:PRE-INVOLVINGIEXPLORINGIIUNDERSTANDINGActing upon ProgramsIn turn, understanding human goals leads to acting uponprogramstoachievethegoals.Actingmeansthatthehelpeesareplanningandimplementingactionsteps.Thehelpeesarefocusingtheiractionsuponlivingeffectivelyintheir real-life contexts. The helpees act to get from where theyare to where they want or need to be.We observe the helpees acting when they design plansand take action steps to achieve their goals. Acting involvesdefining specific performance objectives, developing detailedprogramstoachievethoseobjectives,andimplementing thestepsoftheprogram.Inthismanner,thehelpeesactprogrammatically.PHASES OF INTRAPERSONAL PROCESSING22HELPEE ACTING UPON PROGRAMSHELPEE:PRE-INVOLVINGIEXPLORINGIIUNDERSTANDINGIIIACTINGFeedbacking InformationIntrapersonalprocessingexploring,understandingandactingis incomplete until feedback from acting is recycled.Feedbackinformationisreceivedandreprocessedasnewinputtotheintrapersonalprocessingsystem.Itservestogeneratemoreextensiveexploringofhumanexperience,moreaccurateunderstandingofhumangoals,andmoreproductive acting upon human programs.Feedback should be relevant to the helping goal. That isto say, the feedback provides information about their levels ofperformance. Feedback provides information relevant to theoriginal helping goal.PHASES OF INTRAPERSONAL PROCESSING23HELPEE FEEDBACKING OF INFORMATIONHELPEE:PRE-INVOLVINGIEXPLORINGIIUNDERSTANDINGIIIACTINGFEEDBACKSummaryIntrapersonalprocessingexploring,understandingandactingdescribestheprocessesforallhumangrowthanddevelopment. As helpers, our goal is to facilitate this process.Ultimately the goal of helping is to empower our helpees toexplore,understandandacteffectivelywithoutourhelp. Allhumangrowthanddevelopmentinvolvesacontinualrecyclingofprocessingtransforminghumanexperienceintohumanactionsforhumanpurposesinanexpandingspiral of human growth.24HELPEE INTRAPERSONAL PROCESSINGHELPEE GROWTH3.THE HELPERS CONTRIBUTIONINTERPERSONAL PROCESSINGThebasictenetoftheAgeofInformationisinter -dependency. This means that we are each dependent upontheother.Inthiscontext,thebasichelpingskillsin the AgeofInformationremaintheinterpersonalprocessingskillsorhelpingskills.Theyenableapersontorelateto theexperiencesofothers.Helpingskillsorinterpersonalprocessingskillsfacilitatetheintrapersonalprocessingofothers.25Interpersonalprocessingskillsincludeattendingskills toinvolvethehelpeesinthehelpingprocess.Respondingskillsfacilitateexploringbythehelpees.Personalizingskillsfacilitateunderstandingbythehelpees.Initiatingskillsstim -ulateactingbythehelpees.Feedbackfromthehelpeesactionsrecyclesthephasesofintrapersonalandinter -personal processing.PHASES OF INTERPERSONAL PROCESSING26HELPER INTERPERSONAL PROCESSING SKILLSHELPER:HELPEE:PRE-AttendingINVOLVINGIRespondingEXPLORINGIIPersonalizingUNDERSTANDINGIIIInitiatingACTINGFEEDBACKAttending to Facilitate InvolvementDuringthepre-processingstage,thehelpersattendorgiveattentiontothehelpeesinordertoinvolvethemin thehelpingprocess.Attendinginvolvescommunicatingahovering or undivided attentiveness to the helpees. Attendingservestofocusthehelpersobservingandlisteningskillsupon the helpees verbal and behavioral expressions of theirexperiences.Theseattendingskillsfocushelpinguponthehelpees experiences. Attending also serves to communicatean intense interest in the experiences of the helpees and somotivates them to become involved in the helping process.PHASES OF INTERPERSONAL PROCESSING27HELPER ATTENDINGHELPEE INVOLVEMENTHELPER:HELPEE:PRE-HELPINGATTENDINGInvolvingThebasicattendingskillsareattendingphysically,ob -serving and listening. Helpers attend physically so that theycanobserve.Inturn,theyobservesothattheycanlisten.Attendingphysicallyemphasizesfacing,squaring,leaningtoward and making eye contact with the helpees. Observingemphasizesviewingtheappearanceandbehaviorofthehelpees.Listeningemphasizeshearingthecontentand theaffect,orfeelings,ofthehelpeesexpressionsoftheirexperiences.28HELPER ATTENDINGATTENDING PHYSICALLY,OBSERVING AND LISTENINGATTENDINGObserveListenAttend PhysicallyResponding to Facilitate ExploringDuring the initial phase of the helping process, the helperscommunicatestatementsthatareinterchangeablewith the experiences of the helpee. Accurate responsiveness willservetofacilitateorstimulatethefurtherexplorationofthehelpees experiences.PHASES OF INTERPERSONAL PROCESSING29HELPER RESPONDINGHELPEE EXPLORINGHELPER:HELPEE:IRESPONDINGExploringThehelpersrespondtothecontentofthehelpeesexpres sions by reflecting or communicating back to the help -eeswhattheyaresayingortalkingabout.Thehelpersrespond to the affect involved by reflecting how the helpeesfeel about what they are saying. Finally, the helpers may putthefeelingandcontenttogetherinaresponsethatreflectsthemeaningoftheexperiencesforthehelpees.Whenaccurate, these responses will facilitate further exploration ofexperiences by the helpees.30HELPER RESPONDINGTO CONTENT, FEELING AND MEANINGRESPONDINGRespond to FeelingRespond to MeaningRespond to ContentPersonalizing to FacilitateUnderstandingDuringthistransitionalphaseofthehelpingprocess,between responding and initiating, the helpers assist helpeesinpersonalizingorinternalizingtheirunderstandingoftheirexperiences.Thehelpersgobeyondcommunicatinginter -changeableresponses.Thehelpersdrawfromtheirownunderstandingtoexpandthehelpeesunderstandingofthemeaningoftheirexperiences.Thehelpersfacilitatethehelpeesinunderstandingandtakingpersonalresponsibilityfor their experiences. Personalizing also enables the helpeestodefinetheirproblemsandtotransformtheirproblems into goals.PHASES OF INTERPERSONAL PROCESSING31HELPER PERSONALIZING HELPEE UNDERSTANDINGHELPER:HELPEE:IIPERSONALIZINGUnderstandingThehelpersassistthehelpeesinunderstandingthemean ing of their experiences by communicating assumptionsandimplicationsintheformofpersonalizedmeaningresponses. Helpers formulate and communicate a personal -izeddescriptionofthehelpeesproblemsandassistthehelpeesininternalizingresponsibilityfororownershipoftheirproblems.Helpersthenformulateandcommunicateapersonalizeddescriptionofthehelpeesgoalsandassistthem in internalizing responsibility for achieving these goals.Whenaccurate,thesepersonalizedresponseswillfacilitatethehelpeesinaccuratelyunderstanding,andtakingresponsibility for, their role in their problems and goals.32HELPER PERSONALIZINGMEANING, PROBLEMS AND GOALSPERSONALIZINGPersonalize ProblemsPersonalize GoalsPersonalize MeaningInitiating to Facilitate ActingDuringtheculminatingphaseofthehelpingprocess,initiating,helpersassistthehelpeestodevelopprogramsupon which the helpees can act. The helpers assist in furtherdefiningthepersonalizedgoals.Theythenassistindevel-opingactionprogramstoachievethesegoals.Finally,thehelpees implement these programs to resolve their problemsand achieve their goals. Initiating by the helpers enables thehelpeestoculminatethehelpingprocesswithactionprograms.PHASES OF INTERPERSONAL PROCESSING33HELPER INITIATINGHELPEE ACTINGHELPER:HELPEE:IIIINITIATINGActingThe helpers begin to initiate by defining specific goals withthe helpees. The helpers continue to initiate in the develop -mentofactionprogramsbydefiningthetasksandstepsneededtoachievethesegoals.Thenextstepininitiating isdesigningschedulesortimetablesanddeterminingre -inforcements.Thehelpersthenpreparethehelpeestoimplementtheirprogramsandplancheckstepstoprovidefeedbackalongtheway.Initiatingfacilitatesthehelpeesacting to achieve goals.34HELPER INITIATINGGOALS, PROGRAMS,SCHEDULES, REINFORCEMENTS,IMPLEMENTATION AND CHECK STEPSINITIATINGPrepare to Implement StepsPlan Check StepsDefine GoalsDevelop ProgramsDesign Schedule & ReinforcementsFacilitating FeedbackFinally,thehelperswillfacilitatethefeedbackingofinformation. The emphasis of feedback is upon the effective-nessofthehelpeesactionresponses.Ifthehelpeesaresatisfied with their action responses, then they may concludethis area of helping. If the helpees are not satisfied, then theymay recycle their processing.PHASES OF INTERPERSONAL PROCESSING35HELPER FEEDBACKINGHELPEE RECYCLINGHELPER:HELPEE:FEEDBACKINGRecyclingThehelpersgatherperformanceinformation,thencom -municatethisinformationtothehelpees.Thepurposeofcommunicating this information is to tell the helpees how wellthey performed their responses. Information feedback servesasinputtothehelpees,assistingthemincomparingtheiractual performance with their planned performance.36PROVIDING PERFORMANCE INFORMATIONFEEDBACKINGGather Performance InformationCommunicate Performance InformationSummaryAsweenterthislearningexperience,rememberthathelping is a life-long journey. We help someone to grow and,insodoing,wegrowourselves.Weempowerhelpeestobecome helpers and, in so doing, they grow themselves. Inlearninghelpingskills,emphasizebecomingonewiththehelpees: do not let the skills get in the way of seeing the worldthrough their experience. As much as anything else, helpingis a change in our conditioned mindsets: from the terror ofdependency (and the myth of independency) to the truth ofinterdependency;fromvictimizationtoactualization;fromsurvival to growth; from helpee to helper. In the simple wordsof Dr. Berenson, Helping is the civilized thing to do.37HELPER GROWTHHELPEE GROWTHHelpingSkills3AH9_p39&40.qxd1/28/20089:12 AMPage 1AH9_p39&40.qxd1/28/20089:12 AMPage 2Thefirstyearofhumandevelopmentservesasaprototype for all human learning. Initially, children explore andidentifythenatureofspecificstimuliandresponses.Later,children come to understand the interactive nature of stimuliandresponses,anticipatetheeffectofoneupontheother,and develop goals to achieve these effects. Finally, childrenact by drawing from their developing repertoire of responsestoattempttoachievetheirgoals.Childrensbehaviorisshaped by the feedback they achieve in their environments.Thisfeedbackrecyclesthestagesorphasesoflearning aschildrenexploremoreextensively,understandmoreaccurately,andactmoreeffectively.Thisascending,en-largingspiralofexploring,understandingandactingisthesourceofeverygrowingpersonsimprovingrepertoireofresponses.414.ATTENDINGINVOLVING THEHELPEEYou cant get there from here. Behaviorally, the simpleststep, attending, is also the step where most people fall down.Our entire cultural conditioning teaches us not to attend. Thatway we will not let our personal involvement get in the way ofwhat we have to do to our competition. By not attending, wecommunicate that others do not matter. We also fail to learnwhat it is they have to offer. Inevitably, non-attending is self-defeating. We are all losers!43NON-ATTENDINGNON-ATTENTIVENESSYoucantgettherewithoutit. Thesignificanceofattendingisthatwecannothelpwithoutit.Initsbroadestsense, it simply means paying attention. By the principle ofreciprocity,itmeansthatpeopletowhomweattendwill, inreturn,attendtous.Inotherwords,wecommunicate ourinterestineachotherandtheproblemathand.Now,attending has profound implications. My friend, Dr. Berenson,usedtorecommendthatweassigncounselortraineesananimal or a plant to keep alive for a year before working withhumans.Whenwethinkabouttherequirementsofanimaland plant life, we begin to understand those of human life.44ATTENDINGPAYING ATTENTIONButtherealfunctionofpayingattentionislearning.Wecanlearnmostofwhatweneedtoknowaboutanyphe -nomenahumanorotherwisebyusingoursensesasdedicatedprocessors. If you want to understand how onedataelementrelatestoanother,thenbecomeone.Ifyouneed to understand an animals frame of reference, then getonyourhandsandkneesandviewtheworldthewayananimaldoes.Ifyouwanttounderstandhumanexperience,thentrybecomingoneatleastforawhile!Assumetheposture of the batter: Is the child trying to hit the ball or getoutofitsway? Observetheappearanceofthelearner:Isthestudentfocuseduponthelearningmaterialorupondisappearing into the woodwork? Listen to the grumblings ofyourpeers:Aretheytalkingaboutwhattheyseemtobetalking about or are they actually talking about themselves inrelation to you?45PAYING ATTENTIONHUMAN LEARNING Now think about what you can learn from the appearanceandbehaviorofyourhelpees.Thereareonlythreebehavioral courses open to any person at any choice point intheir lives: flight, fight or relate: Flight Are they moving away from you? Fight Are they moving against you? Relate Are they moving toward you?Are your helpees inclined to flight? Most are! Can you findthe clues in their appearance and behavior? Are your helpeesdisposed to fight? Some are! What are the cues, or signals,ofaggression? Areyourhelpeesreadytorelate?Feware!Their progress depends upon your skills.46HUMAN LEARNINGHUMAN RELATINGAttendingisthenecessarypreconditionofhelping.Toexperienceitscriticalnature,turnawayfromothersinyourpresence; then ask yourself, Am I communicating interest intheothers?Amoreimportantquestionfollows:Howdo Ilearnaboutothersorfromothers? Asyougraduallyturnbacktowardtheothers,youwilllearnaboutthem.Youwilllearn primarily by what you see and what you hear.Attendingskillsposturethehelpertoseeandhear thehelpees.Theseskillsinvolvepreparingforattending,attending personally, observing and listening. Attending skillsserve to involve the helpees in the helping process. When thehelperisfullyattentive,thehelpeestoomaybecomefullyattentive and engaged in the helping process.47ATTENDING INVOLVES THE HELPEEHELPEE INVOLVEDObservingListeningPreparing for AttendingAttending PersonallyPreparing for AttendingThefirsttaskinattendingispreparingforattending.Preparingforattendinginvolvespreparingthehelpees,thecontextandthehelpers.Ifthehelpeesarenotpreparedtomakethecontact,theywillnotappear.Ifthecontextisnotpreparedtoreceivethehelpees,theywillnotreturn.Ifthehelper is not prepared to attend to the helpees, they will notbecomeinvolvedinthehelpingprocess.Preparingforattending prepares us for attending personally to the helpees.48PREPARING FOR ATTENDINGPREPARING FOR ATTENDINGPrepare ContextPrepare HelpersPrepare HelpeesThe helpees willingness to become involved will dependuponhowwellwepreparethemforthehelpinginteraction.Preparingthehelpeesinvolvesengaging them,informingthemofouravailability,andencouraging themtouseourhelp.Engaging the helpees emphasizes greeting them formallyandestablishingacommonframeofreferenceconcerningthe purpose of the contact.Informing the helpees emphasizes communicating: whothey will be seeing; what the general purpose of the contactwillbe;when andwhere theappointmentswilltakeplace;and how to get there.Encouragingthehelpeesemphasizesprovidingthehelpeeswiththereasonsforbecominginvolvedbyansweringthefollowingquestion:Whydowewanttogetinvolved with each other?Helper49PREPARING THE HELPEE Encourage the helpee Inform the helpee Engage the helpeeOur ability to facilitate helpee involvement also depends inpart upon preparing the context for the helpee. Preparing thecontextinvolvesarrangingfurnitureanddecorationsandorganizing our offices or meeting rooms.Arranging the furniture emphasizes facilitating open com-municationbypositioningthechairssothatthehelperandhelpee face each other, with no desks, tables or other barriersbetween them. If there are several helpees, the chairs shouldbe placed in a circle to facilitate the communication of interestand attentiveness to one another.Arrangingdecorationsemphasizesdisplayingdecora -tions to which the helpees can relatereflecting things thatare familiar and comfortable to them.Finally, the helping setting needs to be organized in a neatand orderly fashion. That way we communicate that we areontopofourownaffairsandreadytofocusupontheproblems of the helpees.Helper50PREPARING THE CONTEXT A neat and orderly context A familiar context A facilitative contextIt is as important to prepare ourselves for helping as it istoprepareourhelpeesandthecontext.Weprepareourselves by reviewing what we know about the helpees andthe goal of helping as well as by relaxing ourselves.Reviewingwhatweknowabouthelpingemphasizesremindingourselvesofwhatweknowaboutthehelpees fromallpreviousinteractions.Thisinformationmayincludeformalnotes,intakedataandrecords,aswellasinformalimpressions.Reviewing the helping goals emphasizes the purpose ofthe contacts. For example, during the initial stages of helping,thegoalswillbetoinvolvethehelpeesinexploringtheirexperiences of their problems.Relaxingourselvesemphasizesrelaxingourminds andbodiespriortotheactualhelpinginteractions.Somehelpersrelaxtheirmindsbythinkingofpleasant,soothingexperiences. Others relax their bodies by physically relaxingone set of muscles after the other. We must experiment andfind the method of relaxing that is most effective for us.Helper51PREPARING OURSELVES FOR HELPING Relax our minds and bodies Review goals Review informationAttending PersonallyByattendingpersonallywebringourhelpeesintocloseproximity with us. In so doing, we communicate our interestinthehelpees.Communicatinganinterestinthehelpeestendstoelicitareciprocalresponseofinterestfromthehelpees.Attending personally involves posturing ourselves to giveourfullandundividedattentiontothehelpees.Attendingpersonallyemphasizesfacingthehelpeesfullybysquaringwiththem,leaningforwardortowardthem,andmaking eyecontactwiththem. Attendingpersonallytothehelpeesprepares us for observing them fully.52ATTENDING PERSONALLYATTENDING PERSONALLYLeaningEye ContactSquaringOne way of posturing ourselves to attend to the helpeesistofacethemfully.Whetherstandingorsitting,wemayattend to an individual helpee by facing him or her squarelyour left shoulder to the helpees right shoulder and vice versa.Whenwearedealingwithacoupleorasmallgroupofpeople, we should place ourselves at the point of a right angledrawn from the people to our extreme left and right. See howdifferentlywefeelaboutthehelpeeswhenwepostureourselvesinthismannerratherthanpostureourselvesprimarily for purposes of our own comfort.53SQUARINGThereareotherwaysofposturingourselvestoattendpersonally.Theinclinationofourbodiesisanothercriticalway. For example, when we are sitting we attend most fullywhen we incline our bodies forward or toward the helpees, toa point where we can rest our forearms on our thighs. Whenstanding,weattendmostfullywhenweclosethephysicaldistance by moving closer to the helpees. Putting one leg infrontoftheotherwillhelpustoleanslightlytowardthehelpees.There are still other ways of attending to people in needof help.54LEANINGWe must seek in every way possible to communicate ourfull and undivided attention. Perhaps the key way of attendingpersonally involves how we use our senses, particularly oureyes. We communicate attentiveness when we maintain eyecontact with the helpees. The helpees are aware of our effortsto make contact with them psychologically through our effortsto make contact with them visually.55MAKING EYE CONTACTWe may rate our level of personal attending while sittingby using the following scale.High attending Squared, eye contact, andleaning 20 degrees or moreModerate attendingSquared, eye contactLow attending Not squared, slouching56LEVELS OF PERSONAL ATTENDING WHILE SITTINGClearly,wedonotalwaysattendpersonallybysitting.Oftenweareattemptingtohelppeoplewhilestanding.Wecan use a similar scale to rate our demonstration of the skillswhile standing.High attending Squared, eye contact, andleaning 10 degreesModerate attendingSquared, eye contactLow attending Not squared57LEVELS OF PERSONAL ATTENDING WHILE STANDINGWecommunicatepersonalattendingbyallofourmannerismsandexpressions.Whenwearenervousandfidgety, we communicate a reluctance to be there. When weareintensebutrelaxed,wecommunicateattentiveness.When we are consistent in attentive behavior, we communi -cate interest. When we blush or turn pale, we communicatedifferentlevelsofreactiontothehelpees.Itisimportanttohave ourselves together in attending behavior.We can practice our own attending posture, first in front ofamirrorandthenwithpeopleweseeineverydaylife,towhomwewanttocommunicateinterestandconcern.Wemay feel awkward at first; after awhile, however, we shouldnotice that we focus more upon the other person and that theother person is more attentive to us.Perhaps the most important skill that personal attendingprepares us for is observing.58COMMUNICATING INTERESTCONSISTENT ATTENTIVE BEHAVIORObservingObservingskillsarethemostbasichelpingskills.Theyare a rich source of learning about the helpees. When all elsefails, we emphasize observing our helpees. We learn much ofwhat we need to know about people by observing them.Observingskillsinvolvethehelpersabilitytoseeand tounderstandthenonverbalbehaviorofthehelpee.We must observe those aspects of the helpees appearance andbehavior which help us to infer the helpees physical energylevel,emotionalfeelingstateandintellectualreadiness forhelping.Thesereferencesarethebasesforourinitialunderstanding of where the helpee is coming from.59OBSERVINGOBSERVINGObserve Appearance and BehaviorInfer Energy, Feeling and ReadinessWhenweobservewecollectthenonverbalinformationthat the helpees present to us. We learn about the helpees bynoting their appearance, specifically their posture, body buildand grooming. We can also collect information by observingtheir behaviors, specifically their facial expressions and bodymovements.Fromtheirappearanceandbehaviors,wecanmakesomeinferencesabouttheirenergylevel,feelingstateandreadiness for helping.Helper60OBSERVING APPEARANCE AND BEHAVIOR Observe body movements Observe facial expressions Observe grooming Observe body build Observe postureEnergylevelistheamountofphysicaleffortputintopurposeful tasks. Knowing how long people can sustain highlevelsoffunctioningisessentialtoknowinghowpeopleexperiencetheirlives.Onlypeoplewithhighenergylevelscan experience the fullness of life. Persons with low energylevelshavegreatdifficultyinmeetingeventhesimplestdemands of everyday life.Therichestsourceofinformationaboutenergyleveliscommunicatedbythealertnessofthehelpeesposture.Specifically,thehelperwilllookforthesamecuesinthehelpeethatwerediscussedearlierinhelperattending:theextenttowhichthehelpeestandsandsitserectorleansforward with eyes focused on the helper. A helpee who sitsslouchedwithshouldersdroopedistakingapositionthatsuggests low energy.Energylevelmayalsobeexpressedinbodybuild.Forexample,helpeeswhoarephysicallyoverweightorunder -weight or have poor muscle tone will tend to have low levelsofenergy.Cuestothehelpeesenergylevelcanalsobeobserved in grooming and nonverbal expressions. It takes acertainamountofenergytomaintainacleanandneatappearance.Inadditiontogatheringinformationfromappearance,helpee energy level can be inferred from helpee behavior. Forexample, slow helpee body movements may infer a low levelof energy.Helper61INFER PHYSICAL ENERGY Observe grooming Observe body build Observe postureFacialexpressionsaretherichestsourceofdatacon -cerningthehelpeesfeelings.Otherareas,especiallyposture,alsocontributetounderstandingthehelpeesexperience.Inferencescanalsobemadebasedonbodymovements, with slow movements indicating down feelingsandoverlyswiftmovementssuggestingtensionoranxiety.Fromthisdatawecaninferthehelpeesemotionalfeelingstate.Forexample,adeepfurrowedbrow,afrown,aslouchedposture,downcasteyes,poorgroomingandslowbody movements all communicate down feelings. A broadsmile,raisedeyebrows,anattendingposture,eyecontact,careful grooming and quick responsive body movements areassociated with up feelings.Helper62INFER EMOTIONAL FEELING STATE Observe body movement Observe posture Observe facial expressionsFromourobservationsofhelpeeappearanceandbehavior, we may infer their general intellectual readiness forhelping. Again,helpeepostureisthemostpowerfulcuetoreadiness for involvement in helping. We can also learn aboutthehelpeesreadinessbyobservingbodymovementsandfacial expressions. A helpee who has a low energy level anddown feelings will usually have a low readiness for helping,whereasahelpeewithhighenergyandupfeelingsisusually ready for the helping process.Helper63INFER INTELLECTUAL READINESS FOR HELPING Observe facial expressions Observe body movement Observe postureBy observing we can gain valuable information about thehelpees experiences. One way of structuring observing is toobserve the helpees for precisely the same attending posturethat we exhibit as helpers. Based upon our observations ofappearance and behavior, we can make inferences about thehelpees functioning. We can infer a helpees physical energylevel,emotionalfeelingstateandintellectualreadinessforhelping.Itisimportanttorememberthatobservationsmustbeconsidered hypotheses to be confirmed or denied over timeby the helpees behavioral and verbal expressions. Observa -tionsshouldnotbetakenasavalidbasisformakingsnapjudgments about a person.64INFERRING FROM OBSERVATIONSPerhapsoneofthemostimportantaimsofobservation isidentifyingdiscrepanciesorincongruenciesinpeoplesbehav iororappearance.Beingincongruentsimplymeansthatpeoplearenotconsistentintheirbehaviororappear -ance. For example, people may be sitting slumped, looking atthe floor and fidgeting, yet say they feel fine.Beingincongruentisitselfacriticalsignofpeopleintrouble.Helpeesinvariablywanttobecomemorepositivelycongruent. Perhaps the most important aspect of behavior towhich you can respond initially is the helpees desire to getthemselves together. More than anything else in the world,thehelpeeswanttobeabletofunctioneffectivelywithoutthose glaring inconsistencies in their actions.65OBSERVING INCONGRUENCIESIm reallyfeeling great!We can observe ourselves in the same manner that weobserve others. What does our appearance and behavior sayabout us? Do we project a high level of energy, feeling andreadiness to help? Are we congruent in our behavior and ourexpressed desire to help?We can also use our observations of ourselves and ourhelpeestoinvolvethehelpees.Inhelping,weshouldbefocus ingourentirebeingsuponthehelpeesandtheirexpressions of their experiences. In this manner, we are com -municatingnonverballythatweareattendingtothemandthat our interest is focused upon their experiences of them-selves.Insodoing,weincreasethehelpeessenseofcomfort and security in helping.66OBSERVING OURSELVESListeningThe sources of input that we most often rely on in helpingare the verbal expressions of the helpees. What people sayand how they say it tells us a lot about how they see them-selvesandtheworldaroundthem.Ultimately,thehelpeesverbalexpressionsaretherichestsourceofempathicunderstanding for the helper.Whenwegivethehelpeesourfullandundividedattention,wearepreparedforlisteningtotheirverbalexpressions.Themoreweattendtotheexternalcuespresentedbythehelpees,themorewecanlistentotheinternalcuesreflectingtheirinnerexperiences.There aremanywaysthatwecandevelopourlisteningskills. These include having a reason for listening, suspending ourjudgment,focusinguponthehelpeeandthecontent,andrecalling the helpees verbal and nonverbal expressions whilelisteningforcommonthemes.Listeningpreparesusforresponding empathically to our helpees.67LISTENINGLISTENINGRecall ExpressionsRecall ThemesHave a Reason for ListeningSuspend JudgementFocus upon Helpee & ContentFirst, as listeners, we should know why we are listening.We should have a reason for listening. The goal of helping isthe reason for listeningto gather information related to theproblems or goals presented by the helpees.As with observing, we should listen for cues that indicatethehelpeeslevelsofphysical,emotionalandintellectualfunctioning.Todothis,wemustfocusnotonlyuponthewordsbutalsouponthetoneofvoiceandthemannerofpresentation. The words will tell us the intellectual content ofthe helpees experiences. The tone of voice will tell us aboutthe helpees attendant feelings. The manner of presentationwilltellusaboutthehelpeesenergylevels.Forexample,contentexpressedinadulltoneofvoiceandinalistlessmannersuggestsadepressedhelpeewithalowlevelofenergy.Helper68HAVING A REASON FOR LISTENING Manner of presentation Tone of voice Helpee wordsNext,itisimportanttosuspendourownpersonaljudgments in listening, at least initially. If we are going to listentowhatthehelpeessay,wemusttemporarilysuspendtheinner dialogue that we carry on with ourselves. We must letthehelpeesmessagessinkinwithouttryingtomakedecisions about them.Suspending judgment means suspending our values andattitudesregardingthecontentofthehelpeesexpressions.For example, we may not approve of the helpees behaviorsor the ways they are living their lives. Our feelings, however,are not relevant to the helpees experiences. Our purpose isto facilitate the helpees growth and development. In addition,we must exercise caution in offering premature solutions, nomatterhowmanytimeswethinkwehavebeenoverthisgroundwithothers.Eachhelpeehasauniqueexperience,and it is our job to allow the uniqueness of that experience toemerge.Helper69SUSPENDING PERSONAL JUDGMENT Suspend premature solutions Suspend personal attitudes Suspend personal valuesPerhaps the most important thing in listening is to focusuponthehelpees.Wefocusuponthehelpeesbyresistingdistractions.Justasweinitiallyresistthejudgmentalvoicewithin ourselves, so must we also resist outside distractions.There will always be a lot of other activities going on that willchallenge our ability to listen.We must place ourselves in quiet places so that we canfocus upon the helpees inner experiences. To the degree thatwecan,wemustuseahelpingcontextthatavoidsnoises,viewsandpeopleanythingoranyonethatwilltakeourattentionawayfromthehelpeestowhomwearelistening.Wemustsummonallofourenergy,affectandintellecttofocusuponthehelpeesinnerexperiencesandexternalbehaviorssothatwecanrespondaccuratelytothoseexperiences and behaviors.Helper70FOCUSING UPON THE HELPEES Focus on helpees internal experiences Focus on helpees external behaviors Resist distractionsInlisteningtothehelpees,wefocusinitiallyuponthecontent. In focusing upon the content, we want to be sure thatwe have all of the details of the helpees experiences; other -wise,wewillnotbeabletohelpthemtounderstandtheirexperiences. We focus upon content by asking ourselves the5WH basic interrogatives:Who?What?Why?When?Where?How?If we can answer these questions, we can be sure that wehavethebasicingredientsofthecontentofthehelpeesexperiences. If we cannot answer these questions, we shouldcontinuetolisten.Asthehelpeessharetheirexperiences,they will fill in the missing information for us.71FOCUSING UPON THE CONTENTWe should concentrate intensely enough upon the help -ees expressions to be able to recall both the content and theattendantaffectofthehelpees.Inadditionwealsowanttorecall any gapsmissing information.Topracticeyourlisteningskillsinrecallingbriefex-pressions,trytorecalltheentireexpressionverbatim.Withlengthy expressions, try to recall the gist of it. After you readthefollowingexpressionofayoungmanintrouble,trytorecall the content, affect and any gaps in information.Things are not going so good for me. Not in school.Not with my girl. I just seem to be floundering. I fakeit every day, but inside Im really down because Imnot sure of what I want to do or where I want to go.Helper72RECALLING THE EXPRESSION Gaps Affect ContentWemustalsolearntorecallthehelpeesexpressionsoveraperiodoftime.Insodoing,wearelookingforthecommonthemesinthehelpeesexperiences. Thehelpeesimportant themes will be repeated over and over. Usually, thehelpeeswillinvestthemostintensityinthesethemesbecause they are trying to communicate them to us.Thesethemeswilltelluswhatthehelpeesarereallytrying to say about themselves and their worlds. They will tellus where they are coming from if we just provide them theopportunity.Weneedonlyreceivethemessagestheyaresending and process them for their common themes. This willprepare us to respond accurately to the helpees.We should practice listening for themes in our daily con -versations. For now, we can use the case studies at the endof each chapter. See how well we do when compared to thehelpers involved.Helper73LISTENING FOR THEMES Common themes Intensity RepetitionThere is no question that listening is hard work. It requiresintenseconcentration.However,justastherearedifferentrates for reading, there are different rates for listening. Mostpeople talk at the rate of 100 to 150 words a minute, yet wecan easily listen at a rate of two or three times that amount.Wecanputthisextratimetousebyreflectinguponorthinking about what the helpees have said.Mostofushavebeentaughtnottolistenortohear. Years of conditioning have gone into this. We are distractedbecause we do not want to hear. We distort the expressionsbecauseoftheimplicationsofunderstanding.Mostofall,therearetheimplicationsforintimacythatmakepeoplefearful. Just as we have been conditioned not to listen and notto hear, now we must train ourselves to listen actively and tohear the expressions of the helpees.Helper74HEARING Hear Reflect ListenSummaryOne of the ways to measure our listening skills is to testour verbatim recall of the helpees expressions. Simply listentotheseexpressionsandtrytorepeatverbatimwhatyouheard. We may practice in live interactions or with written ortaped expressions. We may rate the accuracy of our recall asfollows:High accuracy Verbatim recall of expressionModerate accuracy Recall of gist of expressionLow accuracy Little or no recall ofexpressionIn the end, the entire verbal helping process hangs on ourabilitytolistenandtoprocessthecontentandaffectofthehelpees expressions.75LEVELS OF LISTENINGNowwecanbegintobuildourowncumulativeratingscale for helping. If the helper is attending personally, obser -vingandlisteningtothehelpees,wemayratethehelper asfullyattentive(level2.0).Ifthehelperisonlyattendingpersonally (squaring, leaning, eye contact), then the helper israted at a less than fully attentive level (level 1.5). If the helperis not attending personally, then the helper cannot be rated inrelation to the helpee (level 1.0).LEVELS OF HELPING5.04.54.03.53.02.52.0 Observing and listening1.5 Attending personally1.0 Nonattending76LEVELS OF HELPINGATTENDINGIf we have attended to the helpees effectively, then we willhave involved them in helping. The helpees will experiencecomfortinthepreparationswemadeforthem.Theywillexperiencesecurityinourattentiveness.Theywillbegintoshare their experiences, and we will have the opportunity tolisten and hear their expressions.Aboveallelse,thehelpeeswillbegintoreciprocate byinvolvingthemselvesinthehelpingprocess.Theywillpreparefortheirsessions.Theywillbecomeattentiveandobservant of themselves and others. They will begin to sharetheirexperiencesandlisteninturntotheexpressionsofothers. In so doing, the helpees signal their readiness to enterthe exploratory phase of helping.PHASES OF HELPING77FACILITATING INVOLVINGHELPER:HELPEE:PRE-AttendingINVOLVINGLikeanyothersetofskills,youwillwanttopracticetheattending skills until you have integrated them into your help -ing personality as the helper in the following case study hasdone.Case Study #1Skilled AttendingTerryisatwenty-three-year-oldmalewhoistall,broad-shouldered and muscular. Paula, a therapist, first met Terry inthe waiting room outside her office. Her only preparation wasaphonecall,receivedfromacompanywhereshehadacontract to provide employee assistance counseling, askingher for an emergency appointment for Terry that afternoon.When Paula walked into the waiting room, she was sur-prised. Terry did not look like her typical client. He wore workclothes, clean but obviously used for their purpose. Moreover,hewasagitatedandangry,pacingbackandforth,hisfacecontorted with the effort of controlling his rage. After hesitatinga fraction of a second, she approached him.Paula: (reminding herself to stay relaxed)Good morning. You must be Mr. Mason.Terry: Yeah.Paula: (extendingherhand)MynameisPaulaRantoul. (Terry takes her hand with a grasp thatthreatenstosmashherfingersbutturnsouttobe just a firm handshake.) Please come into myoffice. Take the chair by the window; its the mostcomfortable. (As Terry sits down Paula offers acupofcoffee,whichherefuses.PaulasitsinachairoppositeTerry,leaningforward.)Now,Iunderstandyouwanttoseemeaboutsomethings that are troubling you.78Terry: damn right! I just lost my job because I hit myforeman! If I dont learn how to control my tempermywholelifewillturntoshit!(Paulaleansforwardalittlemoreandlooksat Terryfrankly.) I dont know what a little girl like you can do tohelp me, but Im ready to give anything a try!On he talked for another fifteen minutes, nonstop. Oncehe jumped up and started pacing, slamming his fist into hishand again and again as he talked. Paula stayed in her chair,turningtofacehimashewalkedbackandforth.Whenherealizedwhathewasdoing,hesmiledsheepishlyandsatback down. Finally he stopped his tirade and, sitting back inthe chair, looked at Paula sitting across from him.Terry: You know, you got real guts. Most women wouldhave hightailed it out of here or tried to get me tosit still. Why not you?Paula: (quietly, looking at Terry) You dont need an otherpersontobeafraidofyou,nordoyouneedamothertocriticizeyourightnow.Yousaidyouwantsomeonetohelpyou.Ivegottofindoutwho you are first if Im going to be that person. Icant do that if Im running from you or trying toget you to do what I want.Terry: (looking baffled for a minute, then smiling)You really know what youre doing. Youll do.Paula: (smilingback)Youretoostrongtoallowmetotreatyoulikeachild. Youretoostrongtoallowyourself to act like a child.Terry: You know youre right. I dont want to be out ofcontrol. All it does is get me into trouble.79IttookeveryoneofPaulasattendingskillstomaintaincontactwithTerry.Shehadtoattendcontextuallybypre-paring herself, the environment and Terry for the interaction.She did that by keeping her tension in control, putting Terry atease,andbymakingherofficeascomfortableandyetasconstructive as she could for her interaction with Terry. Shemade sure she kept good eye contact. She leaned forwardand kept herself squared to Terry, even when he was pacingbackandforth.ShemadeobservationsthathelpedhertorecognizethatTerrywasincontrolofhisanger,butonlybarely. And she listened to what he was saying, trying to getinformation for future use.Her efforts paid off. Her consistent use of attending skillsresulted in having Terry commit himself to working with her,recognizing that she could help him grow.80Attendingisanecessarybutnotsufficientconditionofhelping.Itpreparesustorelatetoothers.Indeed,bytheprincipleofreciprocalaffect,itinitiatestherelatingprocess.The people we are working with will tend to relate to us theway we relate to them. If they do not, we will explore why!81ATTENDINGPREPARING FOR RELATING5.RESPONDINGFACILITATINGEXPLORINGYes, our cultural conditioning trained us to avoid relating.And it was wrong! Wrong because the so-called competitiveethic no longer worksand never was an ethic! Wrong be -cause there is no such a thing as independencenever was,asanyrecentlylaid-offworkerswilltestify!Wrongbecausethings change! We were sold a lie in the 20th century. It said,Be independent and competitive people and the system willreward you. We have found out otherwise. By not relating,we have not been related to. The system has rewarded us inkind by not relating to us.83NON-RELATINGNON-RELATIONALIn fact, the course of civilization lies straight ahead of us.We are preparing for a very complex world, a world of spiral -ing changes. This brave, new world brings with it a whole newsetofrequirements.Primaryamongtheserequirementsisthe ethic of interdependency. We will either live together or fallapart. We can only live together by relating, by cooperatingandcollaborating,byintegrating.Thethemeofthe20thcentury was Compete or die! The theme of the 21st centuryis Relate or die!84RELATINGRELATIONALThe function of relating is interdependence. Humans werealwaysinterdependentlyrelatedtoeachotherandtheirworlds.Itwasonlyhumankindakindofhumanthatconceivedofitselfinindependentterms.Interdependencemeans that we are each dependent upon the other, and alldependent upon this fragile spacecraft that we call Earth. Itmeansrelatingtomergewithoneanotherandthephe -nomenawearestudying.Itmeansbecomingonewiththatphenomenaandhelpingittoactualizeitsgrowthpotential.And, in so doing, to actualize ours!85RELATINGINTERDEPENDENCEWhatinterdependencedoesnotmeanisconsensus-buildingorresponsesharing.Interdependencemeansbecoming part of our worldsour part, to be sure, but never -theless part of something larger than ourselves. In the worldof interdependence, everything matters. Everything that anyone element does potentially relates to everything else in theworld. Everything! It may be people. It may be data. It may bethings.Alloftheserelatewithinthemselvesaswellasbetweenandamongthemselves.Thatishowweintegrateourselves and our worlds. But we do so only if these thingsmatter to us. Only if we want to help! Only if we have the skillsto relate!86INTERDEPENDENCE INTEGRATINGResponsive communication, or responding, facilitates thehelpeesexplorationofwheretheyareinrelationtotheirworlds. We attend, observe and listen to the helpees so thatwecanrespondtothem.Respondingemphasizesenteringthehelpeesframesofreferenceandcommunicatingto themwhatwehearandsee.Inotherwords,therearetwoseparate sets of skills involved: discriminating accurately thedimensions of the helpees experiences and communicatingaccurately to the helpees the dimensions we have perceived.Respondinginvolvesrespondingtocontent,feelingandmeaning. We respond to content in order to clarify the ingredi-entsofthehelpeesexperiences.Werespondtofeeling inordertoclarifytheaffectattachedtotheexperience.Werespondtomeaning inordertoclarifythereasonforthefeeling.Responding facilitates helpee exploring. When the helperresponds accurately to the helpees, then the helpees explorewheretheyareinrelationtotheirworlds.Respondingbothstimulatesandreinforceshelpeeexploring.Itlaysthebasefor personalizing to facilitate helpee understanding.87RESPONDING FACILITATES HELPEE EXPLORINGHELPEE EXPLORATIONRespond to FeelingRespond to MeaningRespond to ContentResponding to ContentWe respond first to the most obvious part of the helpeesexpressionsthe content. We respond to content in order toclarifythecriticalingredientsofthehelpeesexperiences.Having an accurate content data base enables us to establishourresponsivebaseinhelping:respondingtofeelingandmeaning.Inturn,thisresponsivebasewillenableustopersonalize understanding and initiate acting.Theingredientsofcontentemphasizethebasicinter-rogatives,whichmaybesummarizedas5WH:who,what,why, when, where, and how.A good response rephrases the helpees expressions in afresh way. It does not simply parrot back the helpees ownwords. A good format for responding to content isYoure saying ________.orIn other words, ________.88RESPONDING TO CONTENTRESPOND TO CONTENTRecall 5WHParaphraseThe basic interrogatives provide us with a format for test-ingthecompletenessofthehelpeesexpressionsoftheirexperiences.Inotherwords,theyenableustodeterminewhetherthehelpeeshaveincludedeverythingweneedtoknow. The interrogatives may be formulated as follows:Who and what was involved?What did they do?Why and how did they do it?When and where did they do it?For example, we may examine the following expressionfor the interrogatives:I thought I had things together with my teacher.(WHO)But now I flunked the exam. (WHAT)I guess we were on different wavelengths.I sure didnt expect questions that hard. (WHY)I guess I didnt study enough (HOW)at home before the test. (WHEN and WHERE)89RECALL 5WHThe5WHhelpsustoorganizedetailsandknowifthehelpeeisleavingoutinformation.Theresponseformulatedby the helper, however, need not repeat the details. Rather,thehelper,usinghisorherownwords,willparaphrase thehelpees content by summarizing. A paraphrased response tocontent, in the form of a brief statement, will capture the mainpoints communicated by the helpee.Helper90PARAPHRASE CONTENTIn other words, you overestimatedwhere you were with the teacherand with your subjects.Respondingtothecontentfacilitatestheprocessbywhich the helpees continue exploration and provide missinginformation. If any of the 5WH interrogative information is notexploredbythehelpee,wewillnaturallywanttoprobethehelpees to get a more complete picture of their experiences.To encourage helpee exploration, however, we must continueto respond and refrain from our initial reflex to ask a series ofquestions. For now, our focus is upon responding to what thehelpeesaresaying,notwhatwewantthemtotalkabout.Later, we may find it expedient to ask some questions to fillcertain gaps in our understanding. When we ask a question,it is best to follow it with a response. Indeed, the skilled helperwill sandwich questions between two responses.To respond to content, listen for the 5WH. These essentialingredientswillenableustolaterdiagnosethehelpeesdeficits.Werespondtocontentbyorganizingitandthencommunicating our understanding of it to the helpees.We may wish to practice responding to content by doingsoinreal-lifesituationsorthroughtheuseofrecordedexpressions.Thecasestudiesinthisbookmaybehelpfulmaterial for practicing formulating content responses.91FACILITATING EXPLORING OF CONTENTResponding to FeelingJustasweshowedourempathyforthehelpeesbyresponding to the content of their expressions, we may showour understanding of their experiences by responding to thefeelingsthattheyexpress.Indeed,respondingtocontentprepares us to respond to the feelings of the helpees expres -sions. Responding to feelings is the most critical single skill inhelping because it reflects the helpees affective experienceof themselves in relation to their worlds.Helpees may express verbally and directly those feelingsthatdominatethem,orthehelpeesmayexpresstheirfeel-ings indirectly, through their tone of voice or by describing thesituation in which they find themselves.Whetherthehelpeesexpressionsaredirectorindirect,our goal, as helpers, will be to explicitly show the helpees ourlevelofunderstandingoftheirfeelingsbyformulatingaresponse to their feelings. This will give the helpees a chanceto check out our effectiveness as helpers. It will also give usa chance to check our own level of accuracy.Respondingtofeelingsinvolvesaskingandansweringtheempathyquestionanddevelopinginterchangeableresponses to feelings.92RESPONDING TO FEELINGRESPOND TO FEELINGAnswer the Empathy Question Make Interchangeable Response to FeelingAsk the Empathy QuestionTo respond to the helpees feelings, we must first observepersonalbehaviors.Inparticular,wemustpayattentiontotone of voice and postural and facial expressions. These self-expressionswilltellusagreatdealabouthowhelpeesexperiencethemselvesandwillbevaluablecluestotheirinner feelings.Next we must listen carefully to the helpees words. Nowthatwehaveobservedandlistened,wemustsummarizewhat we have seen and heard with a response that indicatesthehelpeesfeelings.Wedothisbyaskingourselvesthequestion, If I were the helpee and I were doing and sayingthese things, how would I feel? In answering this question,wefirstidentifythegeneralfeelingcategory(happy,angry,sad,confused,scared,strongorweak)andtheintensityofthefeeling(high,mediumorlow). Thenweselectafeelingwordorphrasethatfitsthefeelingcategoryandlevelofintensity.Finally,wecheckthefeelingexpressionwithourobservationstodetermineifitisappropriateforthehelpeeinvolved.Helper93ASKING THE EMPATHY QUESTIONHow would I feel if I werethe Helpee?By answering the empathy question we try to understandthefeelingsexpressedbyourhelpee.Wesummarizethecues to the helpees feelings and then answer the empathyquestionHowwouldIfeelifIwerethehelpee?Letsaskand answer the empathy question about Tom.Tom: Thingsarenotgoingsogoodforme.Notinschool.Notwithmygirl.Ijustseemtobefloundering.Ifakeiteveryday,butinsideImreally down because Im not sure of what I wantto do or where I want to go.The main cue to Toms feelings is that he says he feelsdown. Hes down about school and down about his relation -shipwithhisgirl.Hesalsofloundering.Ifwewereinhisposition, we might very well feel sad.To everyday life expressions, practice asking and answer -ing the How would I feel if I were the helpee? question.Helper94ANSWERING THE EMPATHY QUESTIONHow would I feel if Iwere the helpee?Id feel sad!We can ensure that we respond to the helpees feelingswhen we make a response that is interchangeable with thefeelings expressed. It certainly is not too much to expect thatwebeabletocommunicatetothehelpeewhatthehelpeehas communicated to us. Understanding what the helpee hasexpressedat the level it was expressed to usconstitutesthe basis of communication and makes helping possible.Aresponseisinterchangeablewithfeelingsifboththehelper and the helpee express the same feeling.Thefirstresponsetofeelingthatweformulateshouldinvolveverysimplefeelingwordstoreflectthefeelingsexpressed by the helpee. We may do this by using a simpleYou feel formulation. Before we move to morecomplex communication, we must learn to formulate simpleresponses.Wemaysaythatwerespondtothehelpeesfeelingswhen we capture and communicate the essence of the help -ees feelings in one or more feeling words.Helper95DEVELOPING INTERCHANGEABLERESPONSES TO FEELINGSYou feel ________.Now lets try to formulate a feeling response to a helpeesexpression. Lets repeat Toms expression again:Things are not going so good for me. Not in school.Not with my girl. I just seem to be floundering. I fake itevery day, but inside Im really down because Im notsure of what to do or where I want to go.We ask ourselves, How would I feel if I were Tom? Weanswer,SadIwouldfeelsad.Nowweformulatetheresponse in a way that communicates directly how he feels:You feel sad.Helper96RESPONDING TO SAD FEELINGSYou feel sad.Helpeesexhibitmanydifferentmoodsmanydifferentfeelingstates.Sometimestheyseemverysad.Sometimestheyseemveryhappy.Sometimestheyseemveryangry.Most times they are somewhere in between these extremes.We must have responses that communicate to them ourunderstanding in each of these moments. We must be abletoformulatesimpleandaccurateresponsestotheirfeelingstates.Forexample,Tomiskindofsadordown.Hisenergylevelappearslow.Thingsseemprettyhopeless.Hefeelshelplessinthefaceofeverything.Hejustdoesnotknowwhere he is going. Tom verbalizes this feeling when he says,Sometimes I just think that Im not going to make it.Using an appropriate feeling word for this kind of sadness,we might formulate a simple response.Helper97RESPONDING ACCURATELY TO SAD FEELINGSYou feel discouraged.In rare moments, our helpees might be up, particularlywhentheyhavefoundsomedirection,howevertentative.Theirwholedemeanorchanges.Theirattitudetowardlifeopens up. Their behavior is intense and brisk.It is just as important to be able to respond to the helpeesintheseupmomentsasitistorespondtothemintheirdepressed moments. Indeed, it is ultimately more importantto celebrate and reinforce joyful, positive experiences.Whileitiscriticaltomeetourhelpeesatthelevelthattheyareexpressingthemselves,wemustultimatelyhelpthemtomovetonewandmorerewardingbehavior.Wecannot help them to move if we cannot also respond to thoserare moments of joy.For many of us, these are the most difficult experiences torespond to. Sharing anothers joy is difficult indeed for thoseof us whose own moments of joy are few and far between.Forexample,sometimesTomsfeelingsaresointensethat he blurts them out: I cant wait to get started! We mightformulate a simple response to his feeling state.Helper98RESPONDING ACCURATELY TO HAPPY FEELINGSYou feel really excited.Attimes,thehelpeesmightexpressotherkindsoffeelings, ones that might be difficult to respond to. Sometimestheyarejustmadattheworld,angrywithitsinjusticeandmotivatedtoretaliate.Theirbodiesaretense,theireyestearing and their expressions choked. Often we are afraid toopen up such feelings. We are afraid of how far these feelingsmay carry them. Will they act upon them? Will they act themout? These are the questions that characterize our concern.Nevertheless, we cannot help if we cannot deal with all ofapersonsfeelings.SupposeTom,ourhelpee,hasbeentreatedunfairlybysomeoneandisveryupset.Ourhelpeemust get these feelings out in the open if he is going to learnto deal with them. Indeed, the probability of his acting uponangryfeelingsisinverselyrelatedtohisabilitytoexplorethem.Themoreheexploresthem,thelesslikelyheisto actdestructively.Putanotherway,themoreheexploresthem,themorelikelyheistochannelthemconstructively.Sometimes he expresses his feelings in violent terms: I knowdamn well Im gonna get back at him any way I can! We mayformulate a simple response to him.Helper99RESPONDING ACCURATELY TO ANGRY FEELINGSYou feel furious.We must respond to our helpees in all their fullnessintheirmomentsofsadness,happinessandanger.Theyarehowtheyfeel.Ifwedonotrespondtoourhelpeesintheirfullness, the implications are clear: if we cannot find them, welose them; if we lose them, they cannot find themselves.There are many variations of feeling themes. Some majorthemes are surprise, fright, relief, distress, affection, disgust,interest and shame. There is a wide range of more specificfeelingstatestowhichwecanrespond.Wemustlearntorespond to these unique feelings.Itisbeneficialforboththehelperandthehelpeetostruggle to capture in words the uniqueness of the helpeesexperiences.Findingthemostaccuratefeelingwordsmaynotbeeasyatfirst.Youmaysaytoyourself,Ijustdontordinarily use that many feeling words. I dont know if I canrespondaccurately.Youwillneedtoexpandyourfeeling-word vocabulary.Helper100RESPONDING TO UNIQUE FEELINGSYou feel unsure.Themorefeelingwordswehaveavailabletous,thebetterourchancesofaccuratelycommunicatingourunder -standing of the helpees and their unique experiences.Oneeffectivewayoforganizingfeelingwordsistocategorizethemaccordingtowhethertheyareofhigh,medium,orlowintensity.Sincetheintensityofanyworddepends upon the person with whom it is used, we will needtovisualizethetypicalhelpeesweworkwith. Thenwecandetermine both the feeling category and the level of intensitythat we wish to employ. We may develop our own word list byfilling in page 115. Appendix A contains an alphabetical listingoffeelingwordsfromwhichtodraw.Wemaycarryalistaround with us and add to it. It will help us to learn to respondaccurately.Helper101EXPANDING RESPONSES TO FEELING Level of intensity Feeling categoryBaseduponthecueswereceivefromourobservationsand from the helpees initial statements, we attempt to deter -mine the general feeling category of the helpees feelings.Our next task is to fine-tune our understanding of the helpeesfeelings.Wewanttofindfeelingwordsthatareinter -changeablewithourhelpeesexperience.Ifwearehavingdifficultyfindingtherightwordsbutknowweareintheballpark, we can try the following technique.Webeginbysimplycompletingthisstatement:When Ifeel________(generalfeeling),Ifeel________(specificfeeling).Thiswillhelpustofindamoreaccurateinter -changeable response to feeling.For example, if the helpee says, I feel depressed, andwefindourselvesatalossforanew,moreaccuratewordwithwhichtorespond,wemightsaytoourselves,WhenIfeeldepressed,Ifeel________.Wemightcompletethisstatement with lost. When I feel depressed, I feel lost. Lookat and listen to the helpee. Does the helpee look and soundlost?Wecontinuetorecyclethisprocessandcheckoutnewfeeling words until we have found an interchangeable feelingword.Helper102FINDING AN APPROPRIATE FEELING WORDWhen I feel ________,I feel ________.103Categories of feelingsLevels ofIntensity HappySadAngryScaredConfusedStrongWeakHighExcitedHopelessFuriousFearfulBewilderedPotentOverwhelmedElatedDepressedSeethingAfraidTrappedSuperImpotentOverjoyedDevastatedEnragedThreatened TroubledPowerfulVulnerable MediumCheerfulUpsetAgitatedEdgyDisorganizedEnergeticIncapableUpDistressedFrustratedInsecureMixed-upConfidentHelplessGoodSorryIrritated UneasyAwkwardCapableInsecure LowGladDownUptightTimidBotheredSureShakyContentLowDismayedUnsureUncomfortableSecureUnsureSatisfiedBadAnnoyedNervousUndecidedSolidBored *Since the intensity of any feeling word depends upon the person with whom it is used, you will need to visualize the typicalhelpee you work with to categorize these words by intensity level. (An Expanded Feeling Word List is found in Appendix A.)The helpees feelings are at the heart of their experienceof the world. For better or worse, human feelings are perhapsthemostfundamentalcharacteristicsofhumanexperience.They are aroused by what we do and what is done to us; theyarereflectedinwhatwesubsequentlydoandthink;theyconditionhowweacttowardothersandhowwetreatourselves.Our feelings and the feelings of our helpees are realforbetterorworse. Anditiswiththehelpeesfeelingsthatthehelper must relate.We may wish to practice responding to feelings. We canrespond to real-life situations or recordings. The case studiesinthistextandtheexercisesinthestudentworkbookmayprovide helpful stimulus materials for practice in formulatingfeeling responses.104FACILITATING EXPLORING OF FEELINGResponding to MeaningResponding to the feeling or the content of the helpeesexpressions is not enough. Our response must be enrichedbycombiningthefeelingtogetherwiththecontentforthehelpees.Content is used to make the feeling meaningful. The con -tent gives intellectual meaning to the helpees expressions oftheir experiences. The feeling gives emotional meaning to thehelpeesexpressionsoftheirexperiences.Respondingtomeaningemphasizesmakinginterchangeableresponsesthat capture both the feeling and content of the expressions.105RESPONDING TO MEANINGRESPONDING TO MEANINGCapture Content and FeelingRespond InterchangeablyPerhapsnoothersingleconstructisasfundamentaltoour understanding of daily life as the principle of cause andeffect.Nothingoccursinavacuum.Thereisareasonforeveryeventthattakesplace.Andeveryfeeling,howeverelusive and insubstantial it may seem, is prompted by somespecific cause or causes.Many of our feelings seem quite rational in the sense thatmost other people would feel the same way if the same thingshappenedtothem.Butwealsohavefeelingsthatseemtomakelittleornosensetoothers.Whateverweseeasthecause of our feelings may not appear sufficient when viewedby other people. In still other cases, we may not realize thecause for our feelings.Helpers must remember this: Regardless of the apparentnature of the cause of a particular helpees feelings, each ofthose feelings will always turn out to have a sufficient reasonforthehelpee! Oneofthemostimportantgoalsofhelpeeexplorationistoidentifyforthehelperaswellasforthehelpeethe helpees reason for each real feeling.106MEANING RELATES CAUSE AND EFFECTRemember,feelingsareaboutcontent.Thecontentprovides the reason for the feeling. For example, let us lookat several feeling states and related content areas.Feeling ContentHappy about being promotedAngry with my teacher for giving me a lowgradeSad when I knew that Id never see heragainWe may practice responding to meaning by determiningthefeelingandcontentofdifferentexperiencesinourownlives.FEELING CONTENTI feel upset. . . . about my family.I feel great. . . . because my boss gave me araise.I feel tired . . . . . due to my harried schedule107FEELINGS ARE ABOUT CONTENTAresponsetomeaningisnotcompleteuntilitcom -municates both feeling and content. A response to meaningcanbecommunicatedbycomplementingaresponsetofeelingwitharesponsetocontent.Forexample,whereasYouresayingthat________expressedthecontentof thehelpeesexpressionandYoufeelthat________expressedthehelpeesfeelings,Youfeel________because________capturesboththefeelingandthecontent.Thisisaneffectiveformatforacompleteinterchangeable response to the helpee.Helper108RESPONDING INTERCHANGEABLYYou feel _________ because _________.Itisasifwetrytounderstandwithourmindswhatthehelpeesfeelintheirguts.Wedothisbycrawlinginsideoftheirfeelings.Then,wecomprehendthereasonforthefeelings expressed in their content.Whereas You feel sad expresses the helpees feelingswith the passing of a loved one, You feel sad because shewas the most important person in the world to you and nowsheisgonecapturesthemeaningofthefeelingandthecontent.Helper109CAPTURING BOTH THE FEELING AND THE CONTENTYou feel sad because she is gone.You may feel frustrated because you have been learningto make all responses to meaning in a single format: You feel________because________.Actually,therearemanyother ways to communicate a response to meaning. What iscritical is that a response to meaning communicates how thehelpee feels and the content, or reason, for the feeling. Fortrainingpurposes,itisrecommendedthatyoucontinuetopracticeusingtheYoufeel________because________format. Later, you will formulate and communicate responsesto meaning (feeling and content) in your own way.Here are a few examples of alternative ways to formulatean interchangeable response to meaning:You feel(feeling)because(content) .You feel sad because he moved away.Youre(feeling)about(content) .Youre sad about his leaving. (Content)you feel(feeling) .Your close friend moved away and now you feel sad.Because(content)its got you feeling(feeling) .Because he moved away its got you feeling sad.Its(feeling)when(content) .Its a sad time when a close friend moves away.110RESPONDING TO MEANING CAN TAKE MANY FORMSThehelpeesinformusoftheirreadinesstomovefromexploringwheretheyareinrelationtotheirexperiencestounderstanding where they want or need to be. They alert usby demonstrating their ability to communicate how they feelandthereasonsforthesefeelings.Inotherwords,thehelpees inform us of their readiness by doing for themselvesthe things that we have been doing for them.Helper Helpee111HELPEES SIGNAL THEIR READINESS TO MOVEFROM EXPLORATION TO UNDERSTANDINGI feel ________ because ________.You feel ________ because ________.SummaryWecanmeasuretheaccuracyofourresponsesbased onfeedbackfromthehelpees.Ifthehelpeescontinue toexplore,thenwehavebeenaccurateinunderstanding andcom municatingwhattheyhavesaid.Ifwearenotaccurate in our responses, we cannot help them explore theirexperiences.Wecanmeasurethecomprehensivenessofourres-ponding with the following scale:High responsiveness Accurate interchangeableresponse to meaning(feeling and content)Moderate responsiveness Accurate interchangeableresponse to feelingLow responsiveness Accurate interchangeableresponse to contentLowlevelsofresponsiveness(accurateinterchangeableresponsestocontent)areconsistentwithhighlevelsofattentiveness (listening and repeating verbatim). Moderatelevelsofresponsivenessinvolverespondingtofeeling.Highlevelsofresponsivenessinvolverespondingtomeaning (feeling and content).112LEVELS OF RESPONDINGNow we can continue to build our own cumulative ratingscaleforhelping.Ifthehelperisattentiveandaccuratelyresponsive to meaning (feeling and content), we can rate thehelperatafullyresponsivelevel(level3.0).Ifthehelperisattentivebutaccuratelyrespondstofeelingalone,wecanrate the helper at a partially responsive level (level 2.5). If thehelperisattendingpersonally,observingandlistening,butaccuratelyrespondingtoonlythecontentofthehelpeesexpressions, we can rate the helper at less than a facilitativelevel (level 2.0).LEVELS OF HELPING5.04.54.03.53.0 Responding to meaning2.5 Responding to feeling2.0 Responding to content1.5 Attending personally1.0 Nonattending113LEVELS OF HELPINGATTENDING AND RESPONDINGThe function of responding to the helpees experiences isto facilitate their self-exploration of areas of concern. As help-ers,weunderstandthatthereisnovaluetoexplorationunlessitfacilitatesanunderstandingthatgoesbeyondthematerialpresented.Helpees,however,mustfirstexplorewhere they are in order to understand where they want to be.When the helpees become able to explore themselvestheirfeelings,contentandmeaningthehelpeessignalareadinessforthenextgoaloflearning,understanding. Thisreadinessforunderstandingsignalshelperstobeginpersonalizing.PHASES OF HELPING114FACILITATING INVOLVING AND EXPLORINGHELPER:HELPEE:PRE-AttendingINVOLVINGIRespondingEXPLORINGYounowknowsomethingaboutattendingandrespondingskills.Youcanpracticebyformingyourownresponses to the helpee in the following case study. You canalso practice by responding to the other case studies in thisbookandbycompletingtheexercisesinthestudentworkbook. Additionally, you can practice with others. You willwanttocontinuepracticingtheseskillsuntilyouhaveintegrated them into your helping personality.Case Study #2Skilled RespondingCarolLewisisathirty-four-year-oldwoman.Sheisthemother of three children: four-year-old twin sons, Adam andAaron,andasix-year-olddaughter,Nancy.Carolwaswidowed when her husband, Mark, died of a malignant braintumor.During his last few weeks, Mark was in a hospital. The lastfour days he was in a coma. Carol stayed at the hospital withhim the last five days of his life, leaving the children with herparents.The Lewis were assigned to David Biloxi, a hospital socialworker.FollowingisanexcerptofaconversationbetweenDavid and Carol the day before Mark died. The con versationtook place in a private lounge on Marks ward.David: Lets sit down here. (Gestures to the couch).Would you like some juice or something to eat?Carol: (sitting down) No, Im not hungry.David: Youre looking pretty tired.Carol: I just havent been able to sleep much. David: This is really a difficult time for you.115Carol: Im still not able to believe its happening. Imean, a month ago we were planning to buy anew house. Mark had just gotten a promotion.And now, any minute hell be . . . hell . . . gone.David: The whole thing is still unreal. A few weeks ago,the two of you were planning for the futuretogether. Now, Mark is dying.Carol: Its so unbelievably unfair! (shaking her headand clenching her fist)David: Youre really angry about it all.Carol: Im just so damn mad! Damn mad! God . . . I just dont understand.David: Youre furious because of the unjustness ofMarks life being cut short.Carol: Im so angry with God and the doctors andeverybody.David: Youre so enraged by whats happening thateveryone becomes a target.Carol: Yes. And the horrible thing is . . . (she starts tocry) Im so angry with Mark for leaving me.Sometimes I dont know if I can forgive him.David: Youre especially angry with Mark because hesleaving you, abandoning you.Carol: (crying harder) Thats right. I just dont know what Ill do without him . . . l love him so much . . . Oh God!David: (taking Carol in his arms and holding her as she sobs) It really hurts seeing him leave youbecause of how much he means to you.116Carol: Hes been my life . . . even more than thechildren. With him gone, everything will be so empty. Ill be so . . . alone.David: Youre frightened because youre going to be alone, having to live without Mark.Carol: Thats it! Thats why Im so angry. Im scared of being left alone. How could he do this to me!David: Youre frightened because youll have to start over.117Now look at yourself in your minds eye! You will find theclues to your readiness to relate at deeper levels: Are you flying from the helpees? Are you fighting with the helpees? Are you relating to the helpees?Areyoureallyrelatingmovingtowardthem,peelingaway thelayersofconditionedfacade,discoveringtheir ownpersonalmysteries,generatingnewdirectionsintheirlives.Thepersonalimplicationsofyourreadinessforthiscommitment are profound for themand for you!118RESPONDINGPREPARING FOR PERSONALIZING6.PERSONALIZINGFACILITATINGUNDERSTANDINGInthepracticeofhelping,personalizingemphasizesinternalizing those experiences that make us person-like.Inotherwords,webecomehumanasweinternalizeourunderstanding of ourselves. In short, we grow ourselves asweknowourselves.Inthiscontext,personalizingistheheart of helping.119PESONALIZINGGROWTHPersonalizingisthemostdifficultinterpersonalskilltolearn and apply. It threatens us because we are put on theline. Wefeelscaredbecausewecannotchangeuntilwehaveputourselvesontheline. Wefeeldisappointedinourselves because we cannot personalize our understandingofourselvesorothers.Wearereallyeagertolearntopersonalize. We are hopeful that we can change and grow.120PERSONALIZINGCHANGEByrespondingempathically,weentertheexperienceofothers to help them explore where they are in their lives. Bypersonalizing, we create a dialogue with them that facilitatestheirunderstandingwheretheywanttobe.Itisadialoguebetweentheirreal selvesandtheirideal selves.They areunhappywiththeirreal selves.Theyarehopefultheycanbecometheirideal selves.Bypersonalizingthisunderstanding, we are their agents of change.121REALIDEALBorn of an empathic and ethical attitude, personalizing isserved by a set of skills that enable us to accomplish spiralinglevels of understanding through which we Become one with the experience of others Process the meaning of this experience Process the problems embedded in the meaning Generate goals to remediate problems Recycle the new experiences as we prepare foractingInshort,personalizingisadevelopmentalprocessforunderstandingourselves,othersandtheworldaboutus.Personalizing moves us from immaturity to maturity in helpingand life. Archimedes said, Give me a lever long enough andI will change the world. Personalizing is that lever!122PERSONALIZINGHIGHLY LEVERAGED SKILLSPersonalizingbuildsupontheinterchangeablebasewehave established with our responding skills.We facilitate personalized understanding when we assistthe helpees in internalizing, or owning, the meaning of theirexperiences,theirproblemsordeficits,andtheirgoalsor the assets they want and need. Helper personalizing involvestheformulationandcommunicationofpersonalizedorindividualized responses to meaning, problems and goals.Personalizing also involves recycling the new feelings thatareattendanttothepersonalizedmeaning,problemsandgoals.Personalizingfacilitateshelpeeunderstandingandprepares us for initiating helpee action.123PERSONALIZING FACILITATES HELPEE UNDERSTANDINGHELPEE UNDERSTANDINGPersonalizing GoalsPersonalizing FeelingsInterchangeable BasePersonalizing MeaningPersonalizing ProblemsPersonalizing assists helpees in internalizing their experi -ences.Oftenwefindthathelpeestalkaboutthirdpersons:friends,employers,teachers,spouses,parents,children. Byfocusinguponothers,thehelpeesexternalize theirexperiences.Byfocusinguponthemselves,thehelpeesinternalize their experiences.Whenrespondinginterchangeablytomeaning,we usedtheexternalizingformat:Youfeel(feeling) because(content).Nowweinternalizetheirexperiencesbyintro -ducing the helpees into the responses using the format: Youfeel (feeling) because you (meaning, problem or goal).Allpersonalizedresponsesemphasizeinternalizingmakingthehelpeesaccountablefortheirexperiences.Wecommunicatethisaccountabilitybyincludingthewordyouafter the word because in our descriptions of the personalizedmeaning, problems and goals.124INTERNALIZING EXPERIENCES WITHPERSONALIZED RESPONSESPersonalizing GoalsYou feel ________because you cannot (problem) and you want to (goal).Personalizing MeaningYou feel ________because you (meaning).Personalizing ProblemsYou feel ________because you cannot (problem).Interchangeable BaseTo make effective personalized responses, we must firstestablishabaseofcommunication.Whenwehavemademultipleresponsesthatincorporateaccuratelythecontent,feelingandmeaningexpressedbythehelpees,wesay thatwehaveestablishedaninterchangeablebaseofcommunication. This interchangeable base provides us withan opportunity to check the accuracy of our understanding ofwhatthehelpeeshavebeencommunicatingtous.Italsoprovides an opportunity for the helpees to find out if we arewillingandabletounderstandwhattheyaretellingus. Wecanbeadditiveinourcommunicationsonlyafterwe havefirstbeeninterchangeable.Theestablishmentofaninterchangeablebaseofcommunicationiscriticaltoanyhelping relationship.125ESTABLISHING AN IN