T H E A R T O F

CONSTRUCTIVECONFRONTATION

How to Achieve MoreAccountability with Less Conflict

John HooverRoger P. DiSilvestro

John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

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PRAISE FOR

The Art of Constructive Confrontation

“What a timely book for business managers and anyone whomanages people. Most of the time people don’t take re-sponsibility because their responsibilities are not clear to them.The Art of Constructive Confrontation will be a valuable tool for mybusiness and personal life. I have taken your advice and plan toput the principles described in the book to use next week.”

—Tina D’AversaPublisher, SportingKid Magazine

“As odd as it may seem, the subtitle of Hoover and DiSilvestro’sbook could be, ‘Respecting and loving ourselves and ouremployees through a defined process of confrontation.’ Theideas contained herein are psychologically and organization-ally, to eyes that can see, a revolution in resolving practical-yet-difficult problems in employee and organizational motiva-tion toward productive ends.”

—Richard Bruehl, PhDDiplomate of the American Association of Pastoral Coun-selors, Licensed Marriage andFamily Therapist, Mediator

T H E A R T O F

CONSTRUCTIVECONFRONTATION

How to Achieve MoreAccountability with Less Conflict

John HooverRoger P. DiSilvestro

John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Copyright © 2005 by John Hoover and Roger P. DiSilvestro. All rights reserved.

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.Published simultaneously in Canada.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

Hoover, John.The art of constructive confrontation : how to achieve more accountability with less

conflict / John Hoover, Roger DiSilvestro. p. cm.

ISBN-13 978-0-471-71853-6 (cloth : alk. paper)ISBN-10 0-471-71853-X (cloth : alk. paper)1. Communication in personnel management. 2. Interpersonal confrontation.

3. Conflict management. I. DiSilvestro, Roger, 1947– . II. Title.HF5549.5.C6H65 2005658.3'145—dc22

200403089610 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

www.wiley.com

Acknowledgments

With deep gratitude I thank the dozens of sales professionals, managers,and friends who demanded clarity from me so that our relationshipsmight flourish. The dedication, energy, and compassion of Mr. HarryMoodie, my partner and boss for 25 years, set the standard for the con-structive confrontation process in this book.

There are few words that could fully express my gratitude to my part-ner and mentor, Mr. Spencer Hays, who taught me to accept the hot seatof accountability. I’m likewise grateful to Ms. Janet McDonald, whosedignity and dedication under intense pressure taught me the importanceof acting professionally under any condition.

The late Charles McBroom, my first mentor and boss, picked me upfrom career obscurity and showed me what I could become by giving oth-ers the opportunity to fulfill their personal and professional potentials. Iam now and will forever be overwhelmed by the energy, talent, and pa-tience of Dr. John Hoover, my co-author and dear friend. My gratitudewould not be complete without acknowledging Norah Buikstra, whoselove and faith encourages me to do the next right thing, and my son, Paul,the dearest blessing in my life.

With heart-felt contrition, this book is dedicated to all the people Ihave attacked, confronted unfairly, and misled as I was learning a betterway.

—Roger DiSilvestro

Matthew Holt, our editor at John Wiley & Sons, understood the tremen-dous value of increasing accountability and decreasing conflict in organ-izations and made this platform available to us from which we can preachthe gospel of constructive confrontation. We are also grateful to Peter Millerof PMA Literary & Film Associates in New York City for making all the necessary arrangements with Matt. Finally, I appreciate CharlesMcBroom, Harry Moodie, Janet McDonald, and Spencer Hays, each ofwhom had a hand in preparing Roger to be a mentor and inspiration tome and everyone who has the privileged of working with him.

—John Hoover

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Contents

Introduction ix

PART I: Commitment

1. The Case for Confrontation 3

2. The Conversation 23

3. The Commitment 63

4. The Covenant 83

PART II: Confrontation

5. Confrontation 119

6. Staying Positive 149

7. Changes and Challenges 169

8. Cementing the Bond 185

PART III: Celebration

9. Celebrating the Right Things 205

10. Plan for the Peaks 223

11. Rewards that Resonate 237

12. Building Others 249

Index 265

Introduction

To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of thesame courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes bravemen and women to win them.

—RALPH WALDO EMERSON

The constructive confrontation system is a course of action that showsleaders how to use confrontation constructively to increase accountabil-ity and decrease conflict in their departments, divisions, and organiza-tions. Confrontation is like fire or water. Properly used, it can save yourlife. It can also destroy. The difference emerges when confrontation isconfused with conflict. Negative or conflictual confrontation is the ex-plosion of pent-up frustration—frustration that wouldn’t have existedhad the course of action been followed to the end. The presence of angerand hostility in the workplace usually indicates that there has not beenenough confrontation—specifically, constructive confrontation—to pre-vent friction and the frustration that inevitably follows. People in posi-tions of leadership have the choice to confront constructively now orconfront negatively later.

Do you have the courage to hold people accountable for the perfor-mance they agreed to deliver? If you were taught that accountability canonly be enforced through conflict, there is good news ahead. Raw cour-age in the form of an iron fist is not what it takes to hold people account-

able. Roaring like a lion and flashing a set of brass knuckles are morelikely to produce acute anxiety than actual accountability.

If you follow the circle of constructive confrontation, courage be-comes less necessary as the system takes over. By definition, confronta-tion merely means to communicate face-to-face. Sales professionals arekeenly aware that the best way to influence other human beings is withface time. Why would the people within your sphere of influence at workbe any different?

Constructive confrontation is a structured, systematic approach thatdecreases conflict and increases accountability by connecting the dots be-tween what people want and what organizations need. Constructive con-frontation reduces conflict in the same way it increases accountabilitythrough clear and well-articulated expectations, follow-up, and recogni-tion. Increased accountability with less conflict requires consistent, con-structive confrontation that establishes the course, makes course correc-tions, and reaffirms the course.

Confrontation is the weakest link in executive leadership because it isfrequently mistaken for the tantrums of unskilled managers who reachthe end of their ropes and blow up at those around them, especially thosereporting to them. The following are two of the primary reasons for thisbehavior:

1. Confrontation is misunderstood, avoided, and not applied as soon,or as often, as needed.

2. When it is applied, it’s usually an expression of frustration insteadof skilled leadership.

There is nothing complicated about constructive confrontation as aroad map for accountability. Supervisors, managers, and executives cansuccessfully hold their direct reports (and themselves) accountable fortheir performance by using this three-step cycle:

Constructive confrontation is not a practice reserved for leaders to ap-ply to subordinates. As you can see in Figure I.1, there is nothing com-plicated about constructive confrontation as a road map for accountabil-ity. Anyone, at any level, can, and should be encouraged to, engage in

INTRODUCTION

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constructive confrontation. The conditions are simple: (1) There must bea covenant between the parties outlining the commitment, including ex-pectations, methods, and measures; (2) All parties must confront one an-other to ensure that progress and performance are what they should be.This means peer-to-peer confrontation as well as team member-to-teamleader confrontation. The rules and principles are the same for every-body, the only difference being range of institutional responsibility; (3)All parties to the covenant must celebrate the successful completion ofeach designated step in the process.

COMMITMENT TO EMOTIONAL PURPOSE

The process of securing true commitment is based on emotional purpose.Each team member must be able to clearly articulate his or her personaland professional ambitions in real and certain terms and how his or hercurrent employment helps fulfill those ambitions. The supervisor, man-ager, or executive must also disclose his or her emotional purpose andrelate them to his or her role in the organization. The discussion of emo-tional purpose helps team members internalize the context of the job.

Job functions are not typically tailored to suit what the individualwants and needs. But aligning the team member’s wants and needs as

Introduction

xi

Confrontation

Celebration

Commitment

FIGURE I.1. Circle of confrontation

closely as possible to what the organization needs sets the stage for en-thusiastic and productive performance. Without this piece of the com-mitment conversation, both team leader and team member might operatefrom assumptions that can sabotage a working agreement.

COMMITMENT TO ONE ANOTHER

The commitment stage of the process eliminates the mind reading that somany supervisors, managers, and executives expect will fill in the gapswhen their team members aren’t adequately briefed. During the com-mitment stage, the team leader and team member discuss specific goals,the schedule for reaching the goals, and the process for achievement. Thecommitment consists of more than ethereal goals that sound good inmotivational meetings or in the optimistic glow of goal-setting sessions orchange management seminars.

The team member and team leader must commit to one another tofulfill their agreed-upon roles and responsibilities. One of the leader’sresponsibilities is confrontation. Team leaders must also be willing to beconfronted by team members. If there is no clear, written covenant be-tween the team leader and team member, there is no basis for confronta-tion by anyone, except by pulling rank.

THE TEAM LEADER/TEAM MEMBER COVENANT

Formation of a written covenant completes the commitment arc in askilled leader’s circle of confrontation. If expectations are created by oneparty without agreement from the other, if elements such as the time tableremain ambiguous, or if the terms of the commitment are not recordedand communicated, there is no reason to expect compliance. Without awritten road map of expectations for the performance of individual teammembers, there is no target to aim for. Nor is there a confirmed criterionor foundation for constructive confrontation.

If the commitment to action isn’t cleansed of all ambiguity, the entireagenda is likely to be derailed. Tasks and objectives must be specific, con-

INTRODUCTION

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crete components individual team members can complete in a measura-ble manner. And they must be written down. The circle of confrontationbegins with each team member’s commitment to the required actions, inreal time, to achieve real results. The covenant between the team mem-ber and team leader must be realistic, complete, and meaningful before itcan be enforceable.

CONFRONTATION

Confrontation is course confirmation and, when needed, correction. Inbusiness and organizational life, as in many other aspects of human be-havior, people set out to achieve predetermined goals and don’t revisit thegoal until it has been achieved, not been achieved, or the effort has beenabandoned along the way. Any pilot or navigator knows that, althoughthe aircraft or ship departs for a specific destination, course correctionsen route are essential to reaching the destination.

Individuals and those responsible for the performance of others mustcheck regularly for deviations from the course and make corrections asnecessary. Waiting until the deadline is too late. Once-per-year perfor-mance reviews aren’t nearly enough. Daily, weekly, and monthly con-structive confrontation is a team leader’s most fundamental responsibil-ity to him- or herself, to team members, and to the well-being of the entireorganization. Confrontation, as course correction, comes in a variety ofpackages, including the following:

1. Rewriting or reaffirming goals and expectations. As progress and perfor-mance are regularly monitored and evaluated, the original goalsmight need to be reevaluated. Internal or external changes to theorganization might call for modification of the original goals. Otherunforeseen influences might also require adjustments.

2. Communicating what might have not been initially expressed and/or under-stood. Thanks to a continuous refinement process of monitoring per-formance and progress, lack of adequate information or misunder-standings need not rear their ugly heads. Things can’t be said once

Introduction

xiii